The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Artie Lange and Robert Kelly

Episode Date: December 27, 2019

Artie Lange and Robert Kelly

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to the Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99, the comedy channel. Dan Natterman is away today. Yay! Wow, big news. I read that in Variety. But we have... But I'm here to do Dan Natterman, and I don't appreciate that comment, Artie.

You're not blinking enough. I'm looking down at the ground. I don't make eye contact. I'm here to do Dan Adaman, and I don't appreciate that comment, Artie. You're not blinking enough. I'm looking down at the ground. I don't make eye contact. I'm on the spectrum. The only guy more awkward than Gilbert Gottfried. Dan Adaman. Let me just introduce my co-host, Robert Kelly, originally from Boston. Robert Kelly has become one of comedy's hardest hitters, unapologetically.

Who wrote this? Bobby Kelly. Here's the problem. Is that your producer said, can I have a bio? And usually when somebody says a bio, I'll be like, oh God, don't. I forget what the bio is. It's so 1990s.

It's so Barry Patts. It's hard to be natural with a bio. Unapologetically, talking about his dysfunctional family, repeat trips to juvie, and his honest take on his own life, relationships, and being a dad. I've been a juvie. Kelly has been a highlight of my show, blah, blah, blah, inside Amy Schumer.

Skip over that. The Louis show. Blah, blah, blah, blah. He currently hosts his hit podcast. You know what, dude, on Riotcast Network. How about this? I started this podcast. Nice. How's that? How about that be my buy? You wouldn't be here.

You wouldn't be here. No one would be here. No. I started this podcast. He's like the little Richard of the comedy center. I did this. And you. Everybody starts with him.

He was on. Who was he? We didn't introduce him yet. I was on. Artie was on the first one. For 30 years, Artie Lang has been making people laugh as a stand-up comic. Here's a fucking bio, bro. Go ahead.

Television and film actor, best-selling author and radio host. His credits include Mad TV, many years on The Howard Stern Show, the films Dirty Work,

Elf, and Artie Lang's Beer League, and most recently the HBO series Crashing. I thought you were going to say most recently Rehab in Jail.

That is most recently. And we've also been joined by Dave Juskow. I don't have a bio, Dave. What's your bio? There was supposed to be all these credits and Dave Jusk been joined by Dave Juskow. I don't have a bio, Dave. What's your bio? There was supposed to be all these credits, and then we're like, and Dave Juskow. And Dave Juskow.

Dave's been dyeing his hair for 30 years. It's true. Actually, he's getting his money back. He's getting his money back for the plugs. It's true. No, I'm not getting it back. They're redoing it. You should get David Spade's lawyer,

his hair plug lawyer. He's got a guy. Spade has a great hair plug guy. Great hair. He's got great hair. You're really true.ade's lawyer, his hair plug lawyer. He's got a guy. Spade has a great hair plug guy. Great hair. He's got great hair. You're really true. It's great hair. He was on the first, when I did it from over there.

Who's the Artie? When I did the, I called it, whatever, live from the table, whatever, over here. And Noam was the one I had Artie on. And Noam walked over and, Robert, that was great. You have to do that again here. There you go. Remember? And I was like, I already have a show.

So technically I started it. You made it great. If it was just me, he would have been like, don't ever do that here again. But you were there and I was like, you do it. I remember that. Remember that? And you were like, I go, you need to do it.

You're smarter than me. You're more interesting than me. You can sit at this table and have the respect. That wasn't necessary. I didn't say that. I just said that now. He's like Adam Schiff putting words in your mouth. This is how I remember it, Noam. And I remember you

quit. It was one of the hottest podcasts we ever did. You quit Five Boots because you had your baby. I gave it to Jay Oakerson of all people. This is the most detailed memory I've ever heard in my life. I thought when he said he quit, he pulled like a Paul Mercurio

and just walked out or hit somebody. I was here for that, too. I know you were. That might be the best moment in the history of comedy. It was awesome. What happened?

That was great. Paul Mercurio got mad at Dan Natterman and was yelling insanely mad things at him, like threatening to kill him, and then walked away and before he left said, by the way, I'll be at the comedy corner. Like threatening to kill him. And then walked away and before he left said,

by the way, I'll be at the comedy club. That's a threatening murder. I'm sorry I spoke to you like that. I'm sorry. It's the second time you did it. Don't be a pussy. Fucking stand behind what you said. Careful, careful, careful, careful, careful. You're not sorry.

You're fucking sorry you wouldn't have said it. Careful, don't pull out the wires because this is Radio Gold and I don't want to lose it. If you do that to somebody, you'll think about this conversation and won't be such a dick. Well wouldn't have said it. Careful. Don't pull out the wires because this is Radio Gold and I don't want to lose it. If you want to do that to somebody, you'll think about this conversation and won't be such a dick. Well, no. Thank you.

By the way, I'm going to be a Mohegan Sun Thursday. That was great. All right. So, come on. Artie Lang is back. Yeah. Again. Again.

Tell us about it. What was it like? Listen, again. Okay. I was locked up for eight months this time. Like Bobby, I've been getting arrested since the mid-'80s. Yeah. I went to juvie.

I had a juvie record and everything like that. And, you know, I'm still going to jail. I mean, I did two months in county jail, three months in a halfway house, and three months in a rehab in Patterson, New Jersey, with some of the craziest motherfuckers you've ever met. I mean, arsonists, carjackers, dealers, I mean, gun charges, crazy shit, attempted murder, probably murder, HIV positive, hep C. You know, I live with these guys in like a bed like the Brady Bunch with bunk beds.

No, that's a bio. No, it is. Yeah. It's a bio rhythm. That's a TV show. No, it is. If they could accurately depict what a halfway house is, you know. Okay, I'll give you a thing.

I was at this place in Florida once, and it was run, it was like a halfway house. It was run like a prison hierarchy, so all the ethnic groups had their own leader, okay? So because I had some sort of like fame, this black kid comes up to me and says, you're the head of the white people. I said, what does that mean? What are my responsibilities? I don't want to be that. Your chess, the chess board, that's your responsibility? No, no.

So I said, I don't want that power. He said, well, if a black guy wants to beat up a white guy behind a garage, he has to ask your permission. You've got to sit down. Like Vito Corleone. He said, I don't want to do this. So it took like 30 seconds. A black guy had to talk to me because I want to beat that motherfucker up. I'm like, okay, go ahead.

And then I go, then I feel like guilty. I go, why? And he said, because he's gay. And I said, I need more than that, bro. I said, Elton John's gay. I wouldn't let you beat him up. Then he claimed he was a pedophile because pedophiles get their ass kicked.

It was guys on Megan's list, Schindler's list, everything. So, but I got nine and a half months clean out of it, out of all that negativity. And I was in protective custody in jail. If you have any type of fame, again, you have to go to protective custody. So you've been clean for how long now? Nine and a half months. And that's the longest. been clean for how long now? Nine and a half months. Which is the longest since I was nine and a half months old.

We need to introduce Perry L. Our producer Perry L. Asher Brown is here. Hey Perry, how you doing sweetie? In all seriousness, when was the last time you were clean for nine and a half months? Apparently things have changed since you went to jail. Did I just get me too'd? Yeah. I feel like I'm getting me too'd right now. No, so yeah, okay, the last one, 30 years ago.

30 years ago. Probably, I was nine years. And that was court ordered, too. And then, I mean, I relapsed the second I got out of the court system. So all during the movies, all during Mad TV, all during Howard Stern. Insane. You're always using that. I'm committing felonies in the back of Howard on national television. He's

talking to like Rosie O'Donnell and I'm on the phone with a bookie. Like in the background on television. Nodding out. But I was on Methadone for a while on the Stern Show. A Methadone clinic on 8th Ave used to open up early for me because the guy was a fan. I know people in all high places.

And so this is a true story. So the chaos of my life. My timing was better fucked up as a comic. I'm on the Stern Show, and I would stop at the methadone clinic at 530 in the morning. They give it to you in orange juice to come off of heroin. And I hated it. Didn't agree with me at all. And I got nauseous.

I threw up three times at the show in the bathroom. So one time, I got a hot mic the whole time. He's talking to Roseanne Barr on the phone, and I feel like I'm getting nauseous. And Roseanne goes, Howard, you'd love it. I'm a thinner. Every morning I wake up and I put a two-piece bathing suit on, and you hear me go. And everybody laughed, and I wish that was a joke. That would have been the funniest thing

I ever did not sober or clean and I just threw up for methadone because the timing was perfect. Another time, I always fell asleep on the show. Kathy Griffin was on and she's talking about how her father just died

and I'm nodding off and she goes, I won an Emmy recently. I got nominated for an Emmy recently. And my father just died, and it was my dream to win an Emmy. So I told my mother, I called her up, I was crying. I said, I know Dad would be looking down now happy. Mom, I got nominated for an Emmy.

And she starts to cry, and you hear me go. You hear an audible snore At the biggest moment in her life And she goes Can he get out of here? So Howard kicks me out of the studio So I kick her makeup women out Which is the hardest working people in Chauvin Kathy Griffin's makeup women

Kathy Griffin Those people are It's like rebuilding the LIE They wear orange vests They're in the union She needs iron workers. Because, you know, I saw her without makeup

when she looks like Sid Vicious. Now. So she kicks me out. And again, I'm used to being there in the morning. I passed out in the room where all her makeup people were. I woke up at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, which was

odd to me. It was like Gulliver waking up in the middle where all her makeup people were. I woke up at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, which was odd to me. It was like Gulliver waking up in the middle of Gulliver's shop. And I go, what time is it? 4 o'clock. See, but the enabling part is that would be my week at work, and then at the end of the week, I get a check for 80 grand. Wow. You know what I mean?

80 fucking grand. Howard knew how to make everything funny. That was his genius. So my heroin addiction, he tried to help me off the air, but on the air, it's a comedy show. People say,

I wasn't insulted by anything. I'm getting paid. So I'm a rare junkie where I bought everything. You can't throw me out of the house because I bought the house. So that extended my addiction. But the difference now is

at 52, I know how insanely lucky I am. I should have been dead 50 times, 50 times. Let me ask you a question. You talk about the fans always kind of hooking you up. Right. And many of us in our own lives have had situations with people who needed help. Yes.

What is the advice to people who might become enablers, who are soft on the people in their family who are writing? Well, it's hardest on them, I think, because you don't know what to do. Like, look at the situation with Howard. I mean, you know, Chris Rock came on the show once at the height of my shit, about six months before I left, and Howard said to him on the air,

he goes, what do I do with Artie? I don't know what to do, because he dealt with Farley and everything. And he goes, you got to fire him. You got to fire him. He goes, Artie, I'm he goes, you got to fire him. You got to fire him. He goes, Artie, I'm sorry, but you got to fire him. You got to give him consequences because you're not firing him. He's making money and nobody's doing anything.

And when you're making people money in this life and you get some power as a famous person or like a D-list celebrity, whatever it is, people are so fascinated by fame in this country, they'll do anything for you. Right. Even if you have just a little bit. So the idea is you've got to realize it's not your fault and nothing you're doing. Like, don't feel guilty about the fact that you say no to these people. You could say no to somebody if you're trying to save their life. I always had money, but people surrounded me from my hometown. My friend's one kid, my ex-bookie is my business manager, and he was not giving me my money, but people surrounded me from my hometown. My friends, one kid, my ex-bookie is my business manager.

He was not giving me my money and I would scream at him because he knew what I would do with it. It sounds cliche, but tough love. What are you going to do? You got to say no at some point. You got to say no. Like fire somebody or arrest them, whatever. There's something where you're locked up. My

bail was $10. I was 13. This was 1968. I don't know what year it was. We're about the same age. It was 80-something, 85. My bail was $10. And the judge was like, you get $10, I'm going to bring it down.

It was $20. But I had the $10 so my mother could take me home. And my mother said no. Really? She left me. She goes,. It was $20. Wow. I brought it down to $10 so my mother could take me home. And my mother said no. Really? She left me. She goes, you need to take him. Wow. And I went.

All my friends got off. What were you in for? Unarmed robbery, assault and battery, malicious obstruction, trespassing, and breaking probation. Wow. I was on probation. So I was in fucking, I was dumbfounded. I remember going down to the cell back, because you have to go back down to the courthouse cell.

Yeah, yeah. And I remember sitting there. Which is the worst. It's a dungeon. It's literally a dungeon. I was 13. So you had the prisoners, real criminals. Did you carry a gun?

No. We said armed robbery. Unarmed robbery. Oh, unarmed robbery. Unarmed robbery. Unarmed robbery. And I robbed a pizza place that was owned by the mob. So not only did I get arrested.

So Whitey Bulger's looking for him. The fucking mob was out to get me, actually. The cop actually said, I'm doing you a favor tonight. I'd rather be with the cops. Right, that's what he said. He goes, I'm doing you a favor by arresting you tonight. Because they're looking for you, too. That's crazy.

Yeah, she let me go. That's both ends of the spectrum. If she didn't let me go, though, it was that thing of saying no. My uncle had three grand on him to get me out. And she was like, no. And she let me go. I remember that night I went. It was one of the craziest nights of my life.

It sounds it. 13, shackled to two other guys in this van with the real prisoners behind us just whispering weird shit to you. Right. And then they took us all the way out to Danvers State Hospital, a mental institution. Which is where Nick DiPaolo grew up, I think. Exactly.

It is. I mean, the hospital. Oh, no. So, and they gave this little section, it was the old morgue, that they gave to this youth services. The old morgue. That sounds fun. It was called Intake, and they'd bring you in there,

and they'd decide where you went for the night. And you sat in there, and they'd bring you in there, and they'd decide where you went for the night. And you sat in there. I remember the kid was like, ask where you're going. If they don't tell you, you're going somewhere bad. If they tell you, it's a good place. And I remember I went in. They don't want you to freak out. You've got to get naked.

I was 13. You had to get naked. I had to squat. So there's something positive. I had to do jumping jacks. I had to give the guy a hand job. Is that true? Well, not the hand job part. He's being accurate. Yeah, you had to get naked. I. I had to give the guy a hand job. Is that true? Well, not the hand job.

He's being accurate. Yeah, you had to get naked. I mean, getting naked for the first. I remember the first night when they took me to the Charlestown Y, which was one of the worst Department of Youth Services places there was. And he's talking about. I remember we had. They brought us all in. We had to get jumping jacks naked again.

I was humiliating at 32. I never did that. Of course. And then I took a shower. Why'd you have to get naked? Because they were checking for drugs and weapons and all that shit. It's like church. Yeah, you have to show them your asshole, everything.

Yeah, you show them your asshole. I've had that done. I showered with two 18-year-olds. I was 13. And they had big dicks and pubes. And I was just like, oh, boy. You have pubes now. Big dicks and pubes, by the way, is a great comedy thing. Big dicks and pubes. And I was just like, oh, boy. You have pubes now. Big dicks and pubes, by the way, is a great comedy thing.

Big dicks and pubes. That was your old morning radio. It was actually a girls' comedy thing. I'm big dicks. Here's pubes. With the weather. Well, no, with these guys, Bobby's so right. You're in there with dangerous guys.

So there's a bullpen area where they keep you. They literally keep it called the bullpen. Are you talking about the tombs or somewhere else? This is Essex County Jail when I got arrested about eight months ago. So all the COs are big Stern fans. They know who I am. So I'm in there with all these black kids, and they don't know who the hell I am. So they pull me out early to get processed because you're usually waiting there for like six hours.

Like Bobby says, handcuffed to somebody. And it's awful. People are shitting. There's a toilet in the middle of the floor. And you just shit in the toilet. And we're in front of everybody. But you know, it's like in front of bloods, crips. It's disconcerting. So this black kid said something so

funny. So the CO goes, Artie, come on out. And he goes, who the fuck is he? How come he got to go early? And the guy goes, he's a movie star. And the guy goes, Artie, come on out. And he goes, who the fuck is he? How come you get to go early? And the guy goes, he's a movie star. And the guy goes, he ugly as hell. And then he put me back in a boat with the guy and he goes, you in movies? I go, yeah. He goes, what you play, all ugly people? And at this point I'm angry.

I'm like, yeah, I play ugly people. That's what I fucking play. Google me. He ugly as hell. You know, here's what I found out. I was in a jail cell for a month with a black guy who was a Muslim guy, which a lot of guys do. They claim they're Muslim just to get special religious privileges, but this guy was serious.

I noticed that black people are so cool that if you're in a small area with them for a little while, you can't help but act like them. I used to get mad at Eminem, but now I get it. After two weeks, I was like, what's poppin', motherfucker? It's true.

If you put a guy from Dublin, Ireland in a jail cell with a black kid for two months, at the end of the two months, the guy from Ireland would be like, let's get some bitches.

The black kid would never be going, top of the morning to ya. It's true. No, I remember they put us in this... They're just fun to hang out with. DYS conversated at an old Jewish camp in Halifax. It was in the Cranberry Bogs.

It was one road in, surrounded by Cranberry Bogs. And it was an old Jewish camp, and now it was a jail for kids. And I remember my first day there... The Jewish camp? Yeah, it was an old Jewish camp. It was bad. It was a bad one. Jewish armed robbers, is that populated?

No, no, no, they confiscated It was an old Jewish camp That they made into a band One of the bad camps? It was bad Band camps I wish it was band camps But I remember the first night

They were beating up all the white There was three white kids And they were beating them all up The black There was three white kids. Yeah. And they were beating them all up. Right. The black kids. There was this one little small black kid named the Godfather. And he was kind of controlled everybody.

And we were playing basketball inside this little tiny... And they threw all the basketballs at this white kid's face. Yeah. And exploded his face. Really? And they did a blanket party on this other kid.

Yeah. And I'm sitting in my room, and they came in, like around 10 black kids, and the little godfather sat on my bed. Tyrone Corleone? It was like that. And I'm sitting there reading this book, shitting my pants, and they ghosted me.

They were just talking about white people. Reading a book, Robert? Yeah. Go ahead, go ahead. There was a pamphlet on the place. The Count of Monte Cristo. I think it might have been that. So I remember he...

The black Godfather. They said homeboy or white boy. They looked at me, they go, you a homeboy or you a white boy? And I was like, I'm a homeboy motherfucker.

Yeah. And it was like one second and then the little kid was like, ah, this motherfucker, Sam. I like this motherfucker. It's a very different world there. Saved my life. There's no political correctness. It's like Lord of the Flies. Yeah.

Saved my life. They were going to beat the shit out of me. This motherfucker's a homeboy. He's a homeboy. What the fuck is that? Do you have to be affiliated with certain gangs? What he was in is way worse than what I was in. way worse than what I was in. I mean, what I was in, you're in for maybe a year, six months,

probably three or four. So there was no really gay stuff. Like I always say, you suck dick. If you suck dick in juvie hall, you're gay. Because you're getting out in a few months. If you can't wait for a cigarette, then you just want...

At some point, you just want dick. Yeah, it's like. If you can't wait for a cigarette, then you just want to go. At some point, you just want dick. Yeah, it's like, hey, I'll suck your dick for a cigarette. You're getting out tomorrow, so what? You were there for months? I was in Jewelry Hall for the longest I was there was probably, I think, eight months the first time. Then what you would do is you would go to an outreach program, foster home, or a rehab. And the last time I went at 15, I made the right choice, decided to go to all-male rehab for a year.

Sounds like fun. It was terrible. Yeah. It was terrible, but I didn't see my family for a year. I didn't see anybody for a long time. But now, okay, you get out, and are you good then? Like, you got good early, man. I mean, you turned it around early, which I give you a lot of respect for, bro. I really do.

I thought I was going to die. Right. Because I couldn't. I remember the week I got out, the night I got out, I was like, I can't seem. I was in there, so it was easy. Yeah. But then when I got out, I was like, this is the end of my life. Right.

I'm going to die somewhere. Something's going to happen where I'm going to get killed. Because I can't. I don't see. You know, I could always see the future or the future You don't see any future at that point And I remember this guy said Go to a meeting, get a ride there But make it so far that you can't get home

You have to ask for a ride home And I did that I remember the first three people I asked said no I was like can I get a ride, they're like no And I was like oh I fucking hate this place There's a lot of assholes, too. But the last guy I asked, who was just cool, he came in, ripped shirt, necklace, hair, long hair.

He went over to the piano. He was playing piano. I was like, can I get a ride? And he was like, yeah, sure, dude. Tom Waits? Named Mark Caesar. Still my friend to this day. Wow.

I remember all these girls came over to him. He was playing the piano at this fucking meeting. And then we went out, and we talked about sobriety until 2 in the morning at a fucking Bickford's. It sounds like he's trying to get laid. He taught me how to get laid, too. He taught me how to get girl. We used to go to dances every Friday night. Sober dances.

Sober dances and get them while they were still shaking. You got to be good looking to get laid at a sober dance. Oh, man. Oh, right. That was my... The funnest thing ever was going to a sober dance and just seeing these smoking hot girls that are just out of rehab.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden you're in a parking lot. You're fucking each other and then you start talking about God. Right. Like, God's good, you know? They want some acceptance. This is why I won't go to Gambler's Anonymous.

I'd rather go to AA because you are not going to meet those type of girls at Gamblers Anonymous. It's all going to be just the ugliest guys. No, it's going to be me and Norm MacDonald. I'm saying, I mean, bookies go to Gamblers Anonymous meetings. There's a lot of predators in these places, too. There's no girls. Yeah.

So I'd rather go to the AA. Yeah, there's not a lot of girls laying seven on the Redskin game. Do you have a gambling problem? Yes, I do. How much have you lost? How bad has it gotten for you? Enough for me to lose a lot. It's not an Arty's...

If you're worth ten bucks and you lose eight, it's all relative. Over the years, it's just been really bad. In fact, in the 90s, I had to work for them because I owed so much money. Instead of beating me up, they made me work for them at their office. The mom? Accounting? I did that I worked for the mob yeah I took

the yeah take an oath nobody just that they were nice they were nice to me then they got me out of you know they they didn't want to fuck me up because my youngest son Dave just got the gambling, has to leave this country. This gambling business. How much did you owe? At that time, only $4,000. It was a lot for me. No, it was like $4,000 or $5,000, but I couldn't pay it.

That's an insane amount of money. This was before the internet, too, so I was just sitting, waiting to take calls. Right, right, right. I had to pay the bets, yeah. Right over Sammy's Romanian. Okay, yeah. Right, right, right. And I hit the bets, yeah. Wow. Well, Bookie's... Right over Sammy's Romanian. Okay, yeah. Oh, downtown, by Delance Street.

That's the Russian mob. No, they were Italian. I wanted to do a sketch called, I made a TV called Bookie Interior Decorating. I've been in Bookie's apartment, it's all the same thing. It's a rotary phone in the middle of an empty apartment. Yeah, that's right. With a folding chair.

The Daily News and the New York Post. That is exactly what it was. That's all they do. Now gambling is legal in New Jersey. The gambling addiction, it's going to make, forget about it. To quote Dennis Miller, it's going to be crack look like Sanka. I go to Jersey now every Saturday and Sunday, and there's a whole bunch of guys like me in the train. Well, you can sit on your fucking couch and legally wear your phone. But you have to go to Jersey now every Saturday and Sunday, and there's a whole bunch of guys like me in the train just going out to gamble.

Well, you can sit on your fucking couch and legally with your phone. But you have to go to Jersey. Yeah, well, yeah. So there's a whole bunch of guys in my building that I see. Like, where are you going? Like, I'm just going to Jersey. I'm so glad I never got a gambling addiction. I'm so close to it.

What's the thrill? What is it? It's hard to say. It's like this thing where I go to the Meadowlands right before a Saturday college football at noon, and I make all my bets. At 11.30, I leave that place, and I'm like, this is going to be awesome. I'm going to make so much money today.

By 12.01, I'm like, what have I done? This is a disaster, and it all falls apart within seconds. I used to know a bookie who got the... When the WNBA started, he got the menstrual cycles of the people. And when you think about it, what a great move. Because if women are traveling together, they have their period at the same time. So he would find that when the best team was on the reg, and he would bet against them. So the Minnesota Lynx were like the best team in the WNBA.

So he liked my father, so he gave me a tip. And he was like a disgusting person. But he would call me up and go, Adi, the Minnesota Lynx are bleeding. That's what he would say. But you never told Dave, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, I mean, again, it's scary. I worked off of that. I lost Monday Night Football

1989 Giants 49ers. Phil Simms, Montana covered the spread, and I had to work with a roofer for a summer. That was 1991, I remember remember I was at that game. 89. Are you sure? Monday Night Football game after they won the Super Bowl.

They also played again on a Monday. Monday Night Football, yeah, but it was 89. The Giants lost 7-3, and they were... They won the one I was at. I had no idea. Did you know that the mob would let you work? It sounded so nice. Yeah.

I mean, it sounds so... They like me. Well, they want the money. They pay you by the hour? How do you work it off by the hour? They give you a pay card? Yeah, but you get $60 an hour. It was a pretty good deal, $60 an hour,

and Monday nights were a session and a half. A session? Well, because you'd get there at 6.30, He would be like, give this to JustGal. Give this to a Jew congressman in another district. Not to any of our paisans. So weird. You know Don Gavin's the greatest gambling joke of all time is a Boston guy, Don Gavin.

Oh, I know this joke. You know the joke? Yeah. Don Gavin goes, I got a gambling problem. I saw a billboard. If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER. So I called it up and I said, I got a gambling problem. They said, what is it?

I said, I got a 10 and a 4 and the dealer has a king. What should I do? And the other best gambling joke is Norm MacDonald. Norm goes, yeah, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you could win a bunch of money. I used to bet, when I was making a lot of money, I used to bet like 10 grand on the coin toss before the Super Bowl. Oh, that was my favorite.

I always felt like I had... So you were making 4 million a year approximately? About, yeah. But I put $10 grand. So a lot of times I'd be down $10 grand before the fucking game started. But the rush you get, it's like a drug. The rush you get when they're telling you what the results are, it's like $10,000, not $10,000.

I mean, it's an instant rush. But with me, the badness just continued. My life got worse and worse. Like if I put a $5 bet on a roulette table right now, by tomorrow I'd be running guns to Cuba. I'd have a human trafficking. The bad things in my life just escalate when I do something that releases the dopamine, gets you excited. And that's what addiction is. You look good now, too, though.

You lost a lot of weight. I look better. You look great. You lost a lot of weight. look better You lost a lot of weight I couldn't have looked much worse You know listen I stopped putting poison in my body It's a simple equation

The food thing has got me now It's just got me As soon as I had the kid I gave myself the excuse You can let it go I didn't understand the age thing Testosterone, I'm going to be 50, and I can't do what I used

to do. I could drop 30 in a month back in the day. I can't do it. Of course not. Now I'm fighting it, and I'm... It's weird now because back in the day, I had meetings, I had people in the program, drugs, alcohol. It's more socially

acceptable to help somebody with that. With the food thing, I feel... It's almost weird. You almost feel like a woman. Like, how do I lose weight? Yeah, I feel like just fucking lose weight, stupid. Yeah, well, it's an easy equation. Richard Simmons with meal cards.

Run a little bit and stop eating. I mean, there's a billion dollar industry trying to get people to lose weight. But the thing you get with the gambling, the thing you get with the $10,000 or the drinking or knowing that you could win a lot of money, it's the same thing as, look, I can't bang girls anymore. I can't have the excitement

of the road or comedy. My life is happy, but happy isn't exciting. What about actually doing stand-up? Because you're a guy you destroy on stage. Isn't that still fun? It does. It's still happy, but happy is an excitement. What about actually doing stand-up? Because you're a guy you destroy on stage. Isn't that still fun? It does. It's still fun, but I go right the fuck home after. Me too. I have to.

And everybody's asleep, and I'm by myself. We were just talking about... So what the fuck should I be doing? And it's like, all right, we'll just get a pizza. Well, a good example. We were just talking about a gig we did three years ago when me, you, and Norton did Tampa. Yeah.

And, you know, Norton gets... You know, because Norton's another guy who lives a good life, except for, you know, people shitting in his mouth. But he's a good man. He lives well. And he got right out of there at 5 o'clock the next morning. And I was trying not to go on a drug run in Florida. So I'll get up with you.

I was in Tampa. Bobby's right. I was in Tampa for 14 hours. You do the gig. It's exciting. Everybody wants to go out and drink. And there's women. And they're like, I can't.

I'll be dead. Or, you know. Yeah, and then I get to New York and I get high. This is why I like that crashing episode with Dov Davidoff. You remember that last one in the third season where he went out to Jersey with Pete? I was in jail for that one. He went out to Jersey. He was doing the old gig

and then he comes back and his girlfriend is just sitting drinking tea and he's like, what the fuck is this? We used to party. We used to go out. He's hitting on the waitress. It's a little much, but I mean, we all used to do that.

We all used to, right? And I was like, that spoke to me because I'm like, yeah, it's really fucked up. A lot of these kids, they just take it so seriously. Oh, they do.

They lost the fun. Well, a party, a young comic nowadays, if they have a gluten muffin, they'll go to rehab or something. Everybody's got a Nutribullet. I have one. Did you ever think about surgery or anything like that?

I did. I talked to a doctor six months ago. Yeah, but you're naturally a thin guy. I'm supposed to be thin. I'm not supposed to be this. And there's diabetes in my family. I'm right there. I'm fucking right there. Now it's like I want to be around for my kid. You start thinking about that. It's still... Let me give you some incentive bro

I was diagnosed with diabetes I have no trace of it now Really? I lost 80 pounds Every blood sugar's fine I know And again It's in my family

But I talked to a doctor And we were going to do I went to the right doctor But I went to the wrong doctor Okay Because Dr. Dre Yeah And we put out an album And it did shit I went to the right doctor, but I went to the wrong doctor. Right. Because. Dr. Dre?

Yeah. And we put out an album and it did shit. It was all B-boxes. And it was about fatness. No. The reason why there was a doctor. Say, I know people who got the surgery done. And they went to the doctor and he just did the surgery.

Just go in. We'll do it. And then you lose weight. The doctor I went to was like, I do the surgery, but you have to lose weight before it. You have to go to a nutritionist. You have to learn how to live your fucking life. Because if I do the surgery, and then you just get fat again.

The ultimate guilt and depression. Here's another thing. Watch 600 Pound Life. You'll feel like David Beckham. Those people are just, I love that I'm not them. I feel like such a fucking winner. I was like, okay, let's do this.

I just never called him again. He's like a member of my cigar bar. We're friendly. I know his name. He let me just do that. Now I'd have to start over. I'd have to lose the weight. It's just a fucking nightmare. About 15 years ago, here's how I knew I was getting

too heavy. For the third straight time in one week, someone came up to me and said, I'm a big fan. Can I have your autograph, Miss Lampanelli? She got the surgery. That's what I'm saying. She got that surgery too. Yeah, they cut the comedy out of it. But I love Lisa. I'm just saying, you know, but are you afraid, let me ask you this, as an addict,

are you afraid that if you stopped eating, you might go to blow? Crackhead's called the stem fast diet. You smoke crackhead. I'm afraid I'm going to go back to sex. What's wrong with that? Except for the person you're having sex with. My wife, too, would probably have a problem with it.

I don't want to fuck my wife. If I get shredded, I'm not giving it to her. She doesn't deserve anything. That is so true. When you're in a relationship with someone. I mean, I don't want to fuck my wife. If I get shredded, I'm not giving it to her. She doesn't deserve anything. That is so true. When you're in a relationship with someone for a while, if they try any type of self-improvement, you're suspicious of it. Like, what are you doing? What are you doing a sit-up for? My wife waxed her vagina.

I'm like, who are you going out with? That's what I mean. Like, what are you doing? No, I am worried about that, though. I think some and this may sound fucked up, but I think in some way, to not have that cheat thing when I'm on the road, this protects me from... No, it doesn't. Girls will still fuck you. Yeah, but the girls that want to fuck me now are fucking lunatics.

So it's easier to say no. Well, listen. The girls who wanted to beg me when I was in shape was... Well, listen, you're not alone there. I have a welcome mat for the last 20 years in front of my apartment door, and for a while I thought someone wrote crazy pussy above welcome, because that's all I was attracting. It's comedy. We're in comedy.

Other comedians, what are you going to do? You tried dating a comic, you tried dating a fan. What are you going to do? A stripper? They're all maniacs. Yeah, I got to do it, though. That's the last hurdle of my life. Yeah, I know. He's right.

It's dangerous to not. He was a good doctor. And the people who didn't do that, I know, gain weight back and shit happens. There's ways to eat. I'm sorry. No, no, but you're also not going to be hungry after you have the surgery because your stomach's malar. Right, that's right, but there's ways

again, this is what fat people do. They figure out ways to get through the band. If you have a chocolate shake, you can still... Are you getting the band or do you get the liposuction? It's different, right? No, it's the... You cut the stomach in half or something like that. That sounds wonderful. Well, it's actually... They do it

liposcopic now. It's amazing. Do you think you could do coke for just like a month? No, but you know what I am? I'll tell you what I'm getting worried about as I get older. And I'm worried about weed. When I did weed, when I smoked weed, it was just the plant. Right. And now this weed is so crazy now.

It's nuts. There's this weed is so strong. It's so crazy now. There's fentanyl in it. I'm like, I kind of want to get fucking wet. Of course you do. But I can't. I will never do it. You're an addict. I would love to smoke a joint and just sit outside and hear the fucking wind and just,

you know what I mean? I would like to do that, but I can't. I'll go nuts. Me and Patrice, about 20 years ago, me and Patrice got stuck in the bathroom downstairs. Here? Yeah, downstairs for like about 10 minutes. I hope this ends with you blowing each other. For like about 10 minutes, and I said to him, if we do coke for a week, we'll fit out of here.

Robert, how old is Max going to have to be, that's his son, before you start telling him the stories about you when you were a kid? No, I think when he starts asking, because the internet's out there, and he's going to learn about me anyways, and there's going to be some things I have to explain, O and A shit that we talked about. If I ever had a kid, if he learned how to Google, he'd run away with the shit about me on there. There's the sad part about when we were doing Opie and Anthony. My daughter, I think, already Googled me, he'd run away. The shit about me on there. There's the sad part about when we were doing Opie and Anthony. My daughter, I think, already Googled me, so it's coming.

Well, you're respectable. Yeah, you're respectable. Not much bad shit about you. The stuff I've said in the name of funny over podcasts, when I didn't understand what YouTube was forever or this shit, I didn't understand that was forever. Everything's forever now. Everything's forever now. The guy wasn't understand what YouTube was forever or this shit. I didn't understand that was forever. Everything's forever now.

Everything's forever now. Everything's herpes. That wasn't the way it was 10 years ago. And in the name of funny, I've said and revealed or did fucking crazy shit. And do I regret it? No, because it was in the name of funny. I wasn't just being an idiot. I was trying to have fun with other comedians or whatever.

Right. Well, you're being in the moment, which is what radio is. Right. You know. Right. Exactly. So. Howard regrets shit he said.

You know. Oh, yeah. It's live radio. You're trying to be funny. When you're freewheeling like that, it's hard to dial that back. It is. It is. That's why I don't understand why people hold people accountable for shit that they said

10 years ago. Right. When you look at even like Howard Stern, who is fucking a different guy now absolutely allowed him to evolve in front of us right become an older guy now his interviews are different everything's different about the show and so be it like it or not he's that person now and I think you should be able to do that with every entertainer well even more so than even even more so than even more so than funny, Howard's a brilliant funny guy. He's also an amazing guy at figuring out the way pop culture is going.

He just knows where the wind is blowing. I think he knew I wasn't going to fit into that show. After I left, he's got Gwyneth Paltrow on. Who in Gwyneth Paltrow's life is going to let me a foot from her? Have you seen the video that got leaked of him yelling at his entire staff? I was in that video. Oh, you were? I'm saying for 10 years.

He never yelled at me, but I've seen it. It's on YouTube. It's like an hour-long video. How long ago? Like in August. Howard's one of those guys who he's a real smart guy who if you don't think what he thought of, he gets mad at you. Yeah, that's pretty much what he does. Come on, Ralph, what's the matter with you?

Well, anything but Ralph is fine. But, yeah, no, listen. Again, you're talking with Howard, ONA. You know, I was on that show for 10 years. There's thousands of hours of me saying shit. After that Janet Jackson shit, before we went to series, we were getting fined all the time. When they sent us the transcript of the show, I'm like, this looks like a Klan meeting.

If you just look at the words we said, and again, in the name of funny or in the name of unfunny, whatever the fuck it is, you're just trying to be funny so much and you say comedians say shit. By the way, it was funny. I still listen to the old episodes.

Nobody complained at the time. Some of it was, some of it wasn't. Sure, me too. I'm like, I'm trying so hard to be liked in this room. That's honesty, absolutely. I used to leave O&A. I remember talking to Louie about this one time.

I used to feel dirty. I was like, oh, fuck, why did I? You felt dirty in front of Louie? At the time. A lot of us can say that. But, I mean, you know. Especially every female middle in the middle. I think, though, going back to the original question,

there'll be a day where I'm going to have to sit down and I'm talking to him about it and be like, look, man, I was just trying to be funny. This stuff, some of this stuff is true. But my kid, I love that he's not going to have to have secrets with me. Like, I had so many secrets growing up. The reason why I fucking why I did these other things is because I had this black cloud over me all the time

because of all the shit that I did or things that happened to me that I couldn't tell anybody because you didn't talk to your mother. I didn't have a father. My whole life, I looked at other men to be that dad, and they always failed or left or whatever. I remember my therapist told me, I goes, I was talking about that.

He said, yeah, you don't get a dad. You are the dad. That's it. Just go be the dad. That's a lot of pressure, man. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone young. But I'll give you an example. Right now, I'm trying to do a joke.

And I'll get your opinion on this. Because in New York City, it gets moans. On the road, it destroys. So I say, I've been locked up for eight months. The last eight months, the world changed a lot. Congress elected more black people than it ever has before, which to me is ironic because Congress used to be our founding fathers. Now it's a bunch of guys who can't find their fathers.

It's funny. So, I mean, yeah, sure, it's funny. But, I mean, you know, does that mean I got to move to Peru? I mean, look, it would be funnier in 1985. Okay, but here's the thing. Look at Eddie Murphy trying to come back. I mean, you think about it, he had a bit called faggots. It was literally on the album, track whatever is called faggots.

But hold on, tell me if this is incorrect. Right. The black audience might even laugh at that. They love it. It's those young white liberals. It's like this thing with the white... Can you stop saying young?

Just say white women. We were talking about that. Stop saying liberals. It's white women. Well, white women is another way to say white men right now. White women invented

the most unfunniest... They invented sugarless chocolate for these boring people. Hey, now listen. It, again, you know, it's not... Yeah, sugar, again, it's not... Yeah, sugarless chocolate, it's like going to your coquila for a red beer.

I guarantee a white woman invented that. You don't know what to say. You don't know what to say sometimes on stage. And that's not what it can be. It should just be freewheeling. There should be no fucking rules. You said in the city, it's uptight. Yeah, it is.

That should be the reverse. I did that in Providence, Rhode Island this past weekend and it destroys. But here you get, ooh, people looking, can I laugh at this? But Noam's right. It's the white people.

And that is a sort of more subtle racism. Like, you should be offended by this. Let me tell you why. Like, I'm smarter than you. Which is like, fuck you. If you think it's funny, it's funny. We were talking about it before.

This Latinx thing. You know, the politicians all say Latinx now. Whatever the hell that means. You're not supposed to say Latino because that's supposed to be masculine. So then they surveyed Hispanics and found out what percentage of them want to be called Latinx.

It was a little bit less than 2%. Right. Of course, they didn't understand the question. So every politician in the country, Democratic politician, is using the term Latinx. It's unbelievable. They're saying it to impress white people. Exactly. They're not saying it to be respectful to Hispanic.

It's an embarrassing. A small percent of white people. The smallest. The point is that the approval of these white people is getting these people to pretend that they're being respectful to Hispanic. This guy, Pete Buttigieg, who's getting a lot of press now, they just caught him trying to appeal to a black vote.

And he took a picture from Kenya or something and said it was in the ad. It's like a black woman holding a baby in South Africa and starving. And it's like stock footage of a boy. And he's trying to make, again, white people happy. And again, the real story with him is, and again, nobody can point this out in the press, it's a gay guy running for Congress, running for president, whose last name is Booty Judge. That was a good joke. I like it.

That's not a good joke. I was being damn adamant. I know you were. No, it was a good joke. I just thought, you know, can you edit Bobby out of this? Some people might not get it, Noam. They don't know what a top is. They might not know what a bottom is. Here's the thing. Fuck those people. I hate it, Gnome. They don't know what a top is. They might not know what a bottom is. Here's the thing. Fuck those people.

I hate catering to dumb people. If you don't get the reference. That's an excellent netterment. Oh, it's good. I mean, especially on the podcast. I mean, I like what Gnome is saying. Everybody's saying something fantastic. But I just wanted to, now per se, don't get mad at me.

I don't want to get a bunch of white women, as Noam would say, attacking me. What else? What else? Impeachment. Anybody got anything on impeachment? You following it? Again, I think if you just Google most unlikable human being ever, you'll get Adam Schiff. Who makes him a spokesperson for anything?

I just hate his neck. Yeah, it's just he looks weird. You know what? Hey, Jim. It's a complete waste of time. Jim Norton, everybody. Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy.

What's up, pal? You want to sit down, Jimmy? Yeah, for a second. Come sit down. It's just boring. It's just boring. It's so boring. And it's such bullshit, too.

We know it's all horseshit. We know nothing's going to happen. We know what they're trying to do. It's an embarrassment for the country. And it's like, all right, I'm just going to watch Netflix. It's kind of sleazy what he did, right? It's kind of sleazy. It's sleazy.

They all do fucked up shit. It is. Politicians. When did we expect politicians to have some morality and values? Trump was a second-generation construction builder in New York City who dealt with the mafia to get sheetrock taken away. He went to the one other profession that's more sleazy than that. Now he's a worse person. The Hunter Biden stuff is off the charts, right?

They all do fucked up shit. Rich people do fucked up shit. What do you want to do? His dumb son needed money and a job, so he got him a job. They brought in Hunter Biden like Michael Corleone brought in Frankie Pentangelo. Yeah, yeah. He just sent him there

and then his hands off. Joe Biden did this. And Joe Biden did that. I got my own family. I got my own family. I live in the White House with Barack Obama. What's he doing?

He's drinking champagne. I love how Justin Trudeau was in blackface. We had a president who was in blackface for eight years. No one gave him shit. I think people underestimate just how crazy the Biden thing is.

That's why he was in blackface. That was the joke. I'm sorry about that. I had to amend what I said last week. Go ahead. I now think that Epstein hung himself. You do, huh? I reexamined it.

Once they said that there was a video, the guards were 15 feet away, and there was a video of no one going onto the thing. It's the tape is what convinces me. The fact that there is video of no guards going in No, no, no, but it was always about the cameras I've spent a lot of time in jail Two cameras never go out Especially when you're doing heroin

So you think he was killed? I mean, there's a lot of crazy shit with that story Two guards falling asleep A suicide watch And that guy? How high profile he is? Being in jail? Yes, exactly.

That high profile? Falling asleep? I mean, there's no way. Plus, every powerful guy on the planet wants him dead probably at this point. But that would have to mean that these two guys who fell asleep supposedly are in on it. Maybe not. The shit that goes on in jail, man.

If you got money to pay for it, I don't know. Listen, I'm just saying, I don't know what the fuck happened. That other guy did an autopsy. The most respected pathologist ever. I know. He's the idiot who mentioned the cameras being out and I bought it. Yeah, well, I mean, again,

the bottom line is with all these stories, I love how people have such a definite opinion. Who the fuck knows what happened? Is that possible in jail, from my experience? Absolutely. First of all, pedophiles, not good. Not good in jail anyway. Could he have cut a deal, though? Could he have said, look, I'm going to give you what you want.

I'm going to cut me a deal so I can get out of here early and be in a certain jail? Well, he was looking at a bail hearing, which he probably would have got because he got the money to pay it off. No, he didn't get bailed. They said no. They said no to bail. Well, his brother said, yeah, he was trying to get a bail.

He said, look, his brother was like, look, if you got life, I could see it. Because the guy's clearly an egomaniac. If you got life, maybe you could see him off on himself, but I don't know. I got to go down. That's it?

Yeah, I have to because I'm going on next. How many times have you said that? Good to see you, pal. I just wanted to clear up my Epstein mistake. What? I just wanted to clear up my Epstein mistake. The Epstein bobble? Yeah, I think Jim's right because they say they have footage of the hallways surrounding everything.

They would have seen somebody. I think Bill Clinton's sleeping a lot easier. He was definitely killed. You think he was killed? A hundred percent. You think he just hung himself? I would say I'm sure that he was not killed. Isn't it weird how many people hung themselves? I don't know.

Larry Hernandez did it while he was blowing a guy. Right? Patriots fan? Until Artie said otherwise, I would have said I'm sure. Maybe not. I don't know. I'm just saying there's a lot that's weird about that story, man. It is weird that he's dead.

It's weird that he's dead. The first thing I went to when it happened, it seemed like right away, it's like, okay, somebody killed him. Why did they take him off suicide watch? You're on that for at least 72 hours. His lawyer asked them to take him off suicide watch, if I remember correctly. I remember I was on suicide watch. They take away everything, and there's somebody in the room with you

24 hours a day. When I was in juvie, even when I was in juvie, you couldn't get out of anybody's sight for at least 48 hours. I think if he was watching the impeachment hearings, it's believable he killed himself. I would sooner believe that he paid the guards to look the other way while he killed himself

than... That's convoluted. But do you know how hard it is to kill yourself? Well, a lot of people do it, Joe, but you're right. How do you learn

how to make a fuck? How did Robin Williams learn to make a noose? Not noose, not noose. How did he, when he had a rope? He hung it with bed sheets. Come on, guys.

He said not noose, not noose. Not noose, not noose. That's a fucking... But that would take so long. Just got stepped on his line. Oh, sorry. That's cool music. All that stuff would take time to put, like, the guards were out for that long while he

put the bed sheets together, found a place to hide it or hang it. I mean, that's just such time-consuming things, right? He's a finance billionaire. You just think he can whip up a noose? It's like, you know. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's really, it's, I mean, listen. I would have to lean a gun to my head

and there might be soon. He killed himself. That's my opinion. Someone killed him. Somebody definitely killed him. I think somebody killed him. I think it's weird, too, and this is a stretch. I think that there was a lot

of people that died in the last couple years the same exact way. And Clinton's name was kind of in there somewhere. Oh, come on. I don't know. I said it was a stretch. I know. It's not that much of a stretch.

It's weird to me. It's weird to me that Anthony Bondi and Chris Cornell, this, there was one other person. I think the way you could edit tapes nowadays. You could edit tapes nowadays where you could show that guy from the Browns coming in with a helmet. The deep fake Kate Spade Really? That's how I'd kill myself I'd want Miles Garrett to come in and hit me with his helmet

People kill themselves Robert It's just weird that a lot of those people I've tried three times That's so easy I'm saying it's not that I I'm not that good at it. That's one more thing I suck at. Did you mean to kill yourself when you tried to kill yourself? I don't think so, no.

I was pissed off. I mean, I was... A lot of drugs were involved every time. I told you, I said after you did that that he wanted you to stab your ear so you would really teach Howard a lesson and you couldn't listen to his show. When I was in the hospital, Attell brought me a book that some special Olympics guy wrote.

The guy had no arms. And he's on the cover of his book with no arms. And Attell wrote in the book, this guy's book signing took forever. All right. We're just about out of time. Anything else to wrap it up? Well, I want to say to the comedy seller, Noam, Estee, everybody here, you're my family. Whenever I go away, the first place,

it's like, OCD, I got to come on stages here. And you're so nice to me, man. Well, we love you. I know, and I just, it really feels like a second family, and that means a lot to me. I feel that way, too, and I say it all the time because, yeah,

I've been going through some bad stuff just with all my job and shit like that, and I always feel this is my seller family. The Dolphins didn't cover it. It's been really good for me. That, too. I offered him a job. He turned me down. Well, just for now, but maybe, you know, the other thing.

Answering phones? The thing with the kid and the other thing with that thing. I guess I've got to say something, too. No, I feel the same way. This place is my family. It is my family because my whole family is back in Boston.

This is your dad. My surrogate family. It has been since your father was here. Yeah. Esty, now you. Juanita. It's a real thing. Pete Holmes.

All the staff. Liz. Pete Holmes was Louie. Now it's Pete Holmes. All the staff. Liz. Pete Holmes. It was Louie. Now it's Pete Holmes. Same show, just different people. Oh, God. Oh, no, but yeah, it's absolutely true. There's only one place like this that treats you.

You're a comic, but you're also, it's a home. It's a place to come. You feel comfortable. In bad times and in good times. It's hard to feel comfortable as a comedian. This place doesn't. Well, but you're also, it's a home. It's a place to come. Yeah, you feel comfortable. In bad times and in good times. It's hard to feel comfortable as a comedian. This place doesn't. Well, thank you, guys. I feel the same way.

I'm awkward in these situations, but I appreciate it very much. You suck. You shouldn't be awkward. I mean, I'm awkward. That's why I'm here. I don't know why you're awkward. They're praising you. I've never missed Dan so much in my life.

They're giving you compliments. I haven't got one compliment since I sat down. I've never been Dan so much in my life. They're giving you compliments. I haven't got one compliment since I sat down. I've never been so glad he wasn't here. And Robert and I actually, we live in the same town, so we've actually become friends outside of work as well. There you go. So my kid said Oh shit. So I'm reading my son to kill a

mockingbird. My son and daughter. Can I talk about this? It's too violent. His son's six, by the way. Well, listen, I got to start him early. His son taught my son and daughter. Can I talk about this? It's too violent. His son's six, by the way. Well, listen, I got to start him early. His son taught my son the word Negro. So I made my kids promise. That's not a word anymore. I said, I'm going to read you the story, but you cannot repeat the words in this story

because you'll get Daddy in trouble. But I figured, I lived through the Civil Rights Movement. I was like six, seven. I saw horrible things on TV, and it stayed with me and taught me a lesson. I think my kids can hear a story. Oh no. The second Mike saw the word Negro, he had to run and tell Robert's kid.

My father taught me a similar word. It wasn't Negro. Let's just put it this way. It doesn't matter as much in his school district as it does in my school district. I understand. Yeah, he taught him. We had to say, Max, you can never, ever, ever say that. The correct term is African colored.

No, that's not it either. It's close. But, you know. What did Manny say? My son is Manny. What did he say? I learned a word or No

He said negro To Max And Max said shit Because they were teaching So what's worse They were comparing words What's worse for a kid to say So Max got his

What would you rather Your kid say at school Shit Well I remember How about shit negro Shit negro Just I'm Brandon Junior Mother Negro You ain't shit, Negro Just upgraded a junior high Motherfucker shit

Motherfucker I was in jail with your father The point being that Manny wasn't using the word He was just saying It's a word you're not supposed to say They were saying bad words But even in that context

You can't say it I remember my kid was We had the big party at my house you weren't at. I had a camp party. So I had a... Juvie camp? No, I went out. A reunion.

Yeah. A reunion. And we had s'mores. We had a fire. I had to put a tent out. We had a movie outside. I think you had s'mores. They had a fire.

12 kids, right? S'mores were good. It was a fucking great night But I didn't I didn't account for Becoming night out Yeah yeah yeah So but We had a zip line

So all of a sudden The sun went down And then The kids were getting whacked By the zip line They were getting Closed by Yeah that's dangerous

It was just getting dangerous Kids yelling out negro So I remember Max was coming And he slipped on something And he just went down And I was like It was like oh shit

But as soon as he hit He went shit Fuck Negro The holy trilogy of offense I was like I went But I laughed

I was like Maximus And everybody Look everybody laughed But it was like Look man, man, you can't. I just don't want my kid to say that shit. I know there's some parents, I know parents, that comic parents that are like,

oh, who cares? I give a fuck. I just don't want to give you the okay to say that shit right now. You have to let him say it in the bathroom. That's what I do with my six-year-old. You can say any word you want in the bathroom. You say it in school, you're going to get in trouble. Don't say it with black people around.

That's what my dad said. Tell them to let us move in the basement. Teach him to say something else. If he falls off a zip line, yell out, Epstein was murdered. I mean, I don't like my kids swearing. Epstein was murdered, you shit. Into Kill a Mockingbird is a scene where Atticus, the father, says

that all kids go through a time where they're cussing and you should just let it be. All kids go through a grand dragon and a clam. Atticus says you need to teach him not to be hot-headed. That's what he says.

He's just in his skinhead stage. All kids go through that. Bobby's been in his skinhead stage for 20 years. Why don't you want him to curse? I just don't want him to. But why? Thank God Mr. George called me. Because he's going to curse.

I know he's going to. I just don't want to give him the permission to do it. You're right. I don't want to give him permission. In other words, I will not say it's got to. I just don't want to give him the permission to do it. Well, no, you're right. You should, you're right. I don't want to give him permission. In other words, exact. That's a good way to raise it. I will not say it's okay to do it. He's going to do it.

He's going to say shit. But don't you think he's going to do it less if he feels like he's not? Absolutely not. If I give this kid, my kid, the okay to say shit, he's going to, what's up, fuck, fuck shit. Yeah, but honestly, if you- I think it loses power. I think it loses its power.

You've got to let a kid find out. She's absolutely wrong. You've got to let kids find out the fucked up... You've got to let kids find out how fucked up life is. My dad could have told me not to bet on the Jets. I had to learn for myself. I mean, my kid's going to do fucked up shit. I just don't want to give him the permission to do it.

I think that it's not about forbidding them because they rebel against that. It's to explain to them in some way that they will not want to do it. Oh, I tell, no, the thing, I don't say, never say that again. Oh, you'll fuck, I just say, Max, that's not a good word. It makes you look

bad. Yes, we do that. It's like, look, you're going to, it's just not a proper word. You're going to look, you're going to, other kids are going to, other parents, other kids are going to be like, what the hell? It's just not. What if you guys compromise? When we go to dinner, I don't want you sitting at the table standing up, eating with your fists. When we go out, put an aptet on your lap

and eat like a gentleman. We're at a nice restaurant. Hey, when we're home, you can eat a little, you know, we can eat in front of the TV and stuff like that. But I just don't want to give him that okay. I don't think it's right. I don't think it's right. What if he comes to you with a compromise?

Like, I can't say fuck or shit. I'll say Negro. I'll be like, look. Three fun words to say. When we move up to Katona, you can say whatever you want. Would you rather your kid be gay or say Negro? I want him to be gay so bad. Yeah, maybe he'll get a job on Bravo.

Bravo? Everywhere. Were the Kellys mad that the Dwarven kid came over and taught Max a bad word? No. Yeah, that's lousy. You're like Wally in Beaver. Eddie Haskell. It's so funny because your son has come over our house a couple times now,

and I sit there. They play so good together. They invent there. They play so good together. They invent shit. They play so good together. But there's a point where it's always, usually when they're going to leave, for some reason when they're going to leave, I think the anxiety of not wanting the other person to go.

Something happens when they have to go where they wind up saying a bad word or hitting each other, whacking each other or something like that. It's always when they have to go. And they start to fight about something. But when they're hanging and there's no stress and there's no pressure, they have a fucking blast. But we're terrible parents because when I used to fight with my best friends at that age, nobody intervened. We just had it out, whatever it was. Of course.

The moms are on top of them in my second. Can I make a quick observation? Look at the guy next to Adam Schiff. He looks like Pagliacci the clown. That's how everyone's watching that right now. This is why the seller's great, the technology. There's an empty stage Colin Quinn, Marina Franklin, and Adam Schiff.

He does look like a madman. The eyes, when he widens his eyes when he's tense. He's just staring at us. And now testifying Negro. Alright, we gotta wrap it up. Arnie Lang, thank you very, very much, Arnie. Thanks, Norm. I love you.

We're very happy to have you back. Good to be here. Thanks so much for having me. Perrielle, Outside Steve Good night everybody Good night