The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Artie Lange, Mike Vecchione, Dave Juskow, and Paul Mecurio

Episode Date: April 27, 2017

Artie Lange is a comedian and actor who has appeared in numerous radio and TV series, including the new HBO show "Crashing." Mike Vecchione is a standup comedian who may frequently be seen at the Comedy Cellar. Dave Juskow is a comedian and writer of the Comedy Cellar's live show "The Year of the Godfather." Paul Mecurio is a standup comedian who has worked on such TV programs as The Daily Show and The Late Show.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're here at the back table of The Comedy Cellar. My name is Noam Dorman. I'm the owner of The Comedy Cellar. I'm here with my friend, Mr. Dan Natterman, also Mike Vecchione, and Emmy Award winner Paul... Do I have to even say the name? Paul McCurry, everybody. Emmy Award winner Paul McCurry.

Hang on, I'm busy. I'm shining it right now. Now, we're recording. You're recording. So we asked Mike to be on the show, but Paul contacted me that he had something burning that he wanted to get out to America. And my show is

the quickest way to do it. So what is it, Paul? What's on your mind? I just wanted to promote my weekend at Mohegan Sun. Is that really true? That's really what happened? We were going to get to in-depth issues here and Paul, you're here to promote a weekend. No, I was going to talk and hang out.

You want to promote your weekend in Mohegan? I don't even know. Maybe we should bleep that out. Is that competing with you? Of course it competes. All right, then don't say it. Never mind. I'm just hanging out.

It would compete with me if there was any risk that people were going to leave Manhattan to come down to Mohegan Sun because they hear you're there on this weekend. Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. But like if David Tell came on here... No, Mohegan Sun is sufficiently... Wow, see, already it's... Yeah, the guns are out early, No, Mohegan Sun is sufficiently... Wow, see, already it's...

Yeah, the guns are out early. Mohegan Sun is sufficiently far away that it's not in the same market. In terms of territories. Mohegan Sun is like two hours in the middle. There's a formula of distance times fame. And that... Oh, you son of a bitch.

Well, it's true. And that gives us the... Yeah, I don't think... But if it's a hassle, then I won't mention it. But if somebody that famous wanted to promote themselves, you'd have them on the show because you want famous people on the show. I just haven't been on in ages. This is the thing about the show.

I'm thinking of turning it over to Dan all by himself, or maybe Dan and Paul, or I don't know. You don't want to do it? No, I don't want to do it. I'll tell you why. Go ahead. Because I want to talk about what I want to talk about and nobody wants to hear it. Well, what is it? Well, he wants to be

very, very political, which is I've encouraged Noam to start another show. Well, no. I want to talk about O'Reilly. That's not really political to me. You mean listeners don't want to hear it or Dan and the guests? Really, Dan. We have been sexually harassed. Really, Dan.

We have tonight coming on the show Artie Lang. Now, I think it would probably be good to talk about his recent troubles, don't you? If you have the balls to ask him. But why don't you do that then and you can talk about this thing now? I thought this was about Aaron Moran and Happy Days. Oh, I thought that's what this was about. Can we talk about that? Well, if you have anything just specific to talk about.

She worked at... She visited Mohegan Sun one time. But she was hooking. She died in a trailer park, Paul. Okay? She died in a fucking trailer park. It's very sad. Stage four cancer.

Come on. She didn't have stage four cancer. She did. That's what they think. That's what they think it was. And there's a Just Gow is here. That's really sad. I didn't know that.

Well, we're talking about... Well, how bad was the harassment that he had to... If he settled for that amount of money, that start there, right? You know, O'Reilly... First of all, he didn't settle. Well, now we're on O'Reilly. Aren't you a lawyer? Who settled?

Everybody's a lawyer on this podcast. Who settled, Paul? Go back, go back to... You're defending O'Reilly? No, I'm asking you, who settled? Fox settled. O'Reilly? No, I'm asking you who settled. Fox settled. O'Reilly didn't. No, no, he wrote a check for $13 million himself.

No, I don't think so. I think they sued Fox. No, he personally wrote a check for $13 million. I don't think I have my facts wrong, but that's how I... When you sue your employer for sexual harassment... No, but you could also sue the person that's harassing you. No, I don't think that's sexual harassment. Well, we could look it up.

Yeah, look it up. But anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm going to tell you what I learned about the O'Reilly thing. I don't know. The point is, no, Meg, don't call a waitress hot chocolate. You just don't do it. No, I've never called a waitress.

Listen, I may have said this last week. I've banged, over the years, probably a dozen people who work for me. But more importantly, I've been turned down by probably two dozen people who work for me. I turned you down. And not once, not once. Did they get terrible shifts? Was there ever any ending of friendship? There was never any ending of friendship or good things.

There was never anybody thinking about sexual harassment. Because you don't have to be a total fucking creep to strike out. Can I respond to that? And I don't want to sound like I'm being mean to the peep servers, whoever you're talking about that work here. They're not at that level economically where the idea of going and getting a lawyer to do that kind of thing is in their head. You're talking about professional women who work and are getting six-figure jobs. They're in a different world, a different environment.

They think about lawyers and things like that. If you read the accusations against O'Reilly, presuming that they're true, there's a kind of language and behavior and harshness and masturbating at home, which is just absurd. I think what you're talking about, hello, Steve, Jessica, everybody. I think what you're talking about is that when you struck out with a couple of those girls, you didn't pursue it. You stopped.

You're like, it's not working. You just fired them, right? You just fired them. No, but you know what I mean. I waited for a pretext and then I fired them. But I mean, you just let it go. Of course you let it go. And I think that's what the issue is when you just keep...

I regrouped and I made another attempt. Wait, I'm getting a sense from you that you are questioning whether or not he actually did this. Yes, I'm going to tell you. So I went out to really... You're just doing this to be a contrarian. Dude, I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you, and then you tell me if you think I'm being contrarian. So I set out because I'm allergic to groupthink.

I know that when everybody just jumps on a bandwagon, now's the time to be nervous. So here's Artie. Here's Artie. We're talking about O'Reilly, Artie. We're talking about O'Reilly. Paul, can you bring a chair for us? Paul has to go, unfortunately.

We only have five mics. We only have five mics. This is why I want to put the fucking show. Let me handle it. I have to step in here. I love Paul. I want to put Paul on the schedule so that we can have him scheduled. I don't want to have nine billion fucking people doing one, talking to Artie.

You know, I swear to God, I had this vision of slamming down the headphones and saying, fine, then I'll go. But I don't approve of people who do things like that. That's dramatic. Hold on. Pause. I just want to tell you what I read about O'Reilly and then everybody can say whatever they think. So I set out to find out what really happened with O'Reilly.

The first and the classic case is Andrea Macris. And this is the story as told in her complaint. In 2002, she went to work at Fox News. Immediately, Paul's already making a face. No, I'm not. I was just looking at the mic. Immediately, Bill O'Reilly began to harass her, say inappropriate things to her, told her she needed to get a vibrator, told her she needed to go out and get laid. She put up with this for two years,

then left to go to CNN. Now, this is where it gets interesting. Three months later, she has dinner with Bill O'Reilly and tells him that she's willing to come back to work at Fox if they will match the same salary that she's making at CNN. No more. Just exactly the same salary as CNN. She describes the conversation as Bill being paranoid, strange, and she was alarmed.

So you know what happens at the end of that conversation? Bill O'Reilly says, you know, I have a room upstairs in a hotel. You want to come up and watch TV? And she goes. This is all in her complaint. Then, Bill O'Reilly comes back to her and says, you know what? They won't give you the full salary, CNN.

I'll make up the difference out of my pocket. This is through his radio show. I'll make up the difference out of my pocket. This is through his radio show. I'll make up the difference out of my pocket. This is true. You know, this matches verbatim Desiree Washington's testimony. Which one is Desiree Washington? Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson. Oh, yeah, exactly. Went up to his room. That's right. It took off her own menu. So then she says, okay. She comes back to Fox. She gets a tape recorder and records him.

And this is how a man loses his career. Now, I also looked this up. Do you know what the going rate is? I might have said, if you lose a limb in a negligence suit in New York, do you know what the average recovery is? 50 grand. Eight grand. Yeah, I know. You're low-balling.

No. $230,000. Oh, my God. Still, actually. If you have to listen to Bill O'Reilly masturbate, $9 million. How many limbs is that? 45 limbs. Are you talking about workman's comp or something?

No. You're talking about different things. If I lost a limb because I got hit by a Walmart truck, they're paying a lot more than $100,000, as was demonstrated in a recent case. What if you lose a limb jerking off Bill O'Reilly? Sky's the limit. You get audio-proiqual money then. That's a lot of money.

I nightly say that to my audience, I'll be at exit 8A on the turnpike at 2 a.m. if you want to veer off. And you can kill Joe Mattarese. So that's the first case, right? Then the time, another case. That's a problem. When they went up to the room, they had sex, right? Then the Times, another case in the Times. That's a problem. When they went up to the room, they had sex, right? No, they didn't have sex.

They didn't have sex. No, and she said nothing happened. She said nothing happened. The next case was terrible. The next case in the Times article was a case. He yelled at somebody. It wasn't even sexual, but they just throw that in there to make it kind of weightier. He called the woman hysterical, and she said that if you Google hysterical, the word, it's an anti-woman term.

Oh, my God. And she's got a lawyer. This is true? Yeah, dead true. I mean, so it's a feeding frenzy now. Yeah, I mean, yeah. So let me tell you, the last case. Dean Martin would be broke.

Sinatra would be, like, homeless. Can you imagine? So the other guy That was Juliette Huddy Juliette Huddy Accused O'Reilly Of answering the door In his boxer shorts

Which you know Anyway Jesus My pizza delivery guy Has got 20 mil coming on But this is But this Yeah

But this is The interesting thing About Juliette Huddy She's Roger Ailes Goddaughter So the first question is Would O'Reilly Harass Sexually harass Roger Ailes' goddaughter. So the first question is, would O'Reilly harass, sexually harass Roger Ailes' goddaughter? Now, it's possible creeps can't control themselves.

He's got a huge ego. But here's the extra question. Usually, and this is, O'Reilly said none of the girls went through, none of, he's just teasing you. I'm not being a dick. Somebody has to, you know, we had guests booked. I want to, I'd love to book Paul.'s just teasing you. I'm not being a dick. Somebody has to... You know, we had guests booked. I want to...

I'd love to book Paul. Dave just walked in. I'd love to... Dave was... Dave wasn't booked. Dave was... You told me before the show you want Dave here

because Artie is here. Yeah, but listen... Okay, so we have five microphones. So a decision has to be made. Can I do the Juliette Huddy thing and then I'll be done and I won't even talk anymore. A decision has to be made.

Dan, please. And Noam never wants to make a decision to limit it to five people. I'm sorry. Don't fuck yourself, man. You're a fucking asshole. Really? So why don't we invite every...

I hope this is a podcast. Don't question me why I'm fucking that pissed. I do question you. Don't fucking do that to me. You're a fucking asshole. Can you hear that? I'm talking. I'm the only one talking.

Blow me. All right. Ooh. First of all, I think he's right. That was uncalled for. But let me just say about you. It's your fault because you won't control. What, you're still talking? Yeah, I'll be generous if you want to do the podcast.

Do it anytime you want. You want to talk about it? We'll talk about it. Get off the mic. You think you're going to talk to me like that? I didn't say anything. It's great for Nome because you're going to have everybody talking about this now. Paul, Paul, Paul. Let's talk about... Paul!

What do you mean, Paul? You don't talk to me like that on the fucking radio. There's a... I'm sorry I talked... I spoke to you like that. I'm sorry. It's the second time you did it. Don't be a pussy. Fucking stand behind what you said.

Careful, careful, careful, careful, careful. You're not sorry. You're fucking sorry. You wouldn't have said it. Careful. Don't pull out the wires because this is Radio Gold and I don't want to lose it.

If you want to do that to somebody, you'll think about this conversation and won't be such a dick. He's hysterical. Well, no. Thank you. By the way, I'm going to be a Mohegan Sun

Thursday through Saturday. You go to comicscomedy.com, Thursday show at 8, Friday at 8, Saturday at 8 and 10.30. Dan will be doing the 1 o'clock for $25. Well, I'm glad I put four years into this podcast for basically no money so that I can get hollered at because no one will back me up. Now I won't pay your money. And, you know, I give a lot to this podcast for free. All I really want is to have just as many guests as there are mics and no more. Okay, do you understand that when somebody is in mid-sentence,

to actually reach out and take the mic so they can't be heard. First of all, it makes no sense from a listener's point of view because it just creates dead air. Second of all, it's extremely insulting. Don't you? You don't see that? I see it's insulting. That's fine. Take my mic. If you're mad at me, then be mad at me. Paul is innocent. He said, can I come on the show?

I said, yes. We said when Artie came, unfortunately, he has to go, but he can come on another time. Listen, Dan. I don't want to talk about O'Reilly. But I just wanted to get it out in case people are interested.

This had to happen at some point. This is like Donald Trump, inevitable. It had to happen. There's too much anger, and this podcast probably should no longer continue. Where is that coming from? This particular one?

Noam just said 10 minutes ago, he doesn't want to do it because he wants to talk about O'Reilly day and night. No, I was actually lying. The reason I don't want to do it is for things like this, because there's no... And I don't want to do it for things like you.

For things like you, A, just saying everybody can sit four years or so. Yeah, well, after six years, I was yelling at a billionaire. I think you put me in a weird position, Noam. You're right. I ran with it. I ran with it.

You should have let the man. But that is good instincts, though, radio-wise. I think him yelling at Paul is better than Andrew Mackress' testimony. All right. Fair enough. Anyway. From a radio standpoint. We have with us Artie, the great Artie Lang.

Can I say my last sentence about Julian Hoodie, and then I will just go ahead and get out there? Go ahead, go ahead. But you would have to wonder that usually when somebody doesn't report sexual harassment through the proper channels, because every big corporation has it. I'm sure at Sirius, they tell you you have to call up

this HR person or whatever. I don't know why you think I know that, but yeah. The DEA came to see me. So they always ask in cases, why didn't you go through proper channels?

We had a whole big, it was insane, especially us, we had three days of teaching about sexual harassment on and off the air. So the usual response is because I was afraid of retribution.

But now the question is, would Roger Ailes' daughter fear retribution if she went, Roger Ailes' goddaughter, if she went to her godfather and reported so one by one these things begin to...

But then again, what's her endgame? Money? If that's her godmother? That's right. You really cracked that case, Mike. No, but I'm saying... No, he's being sarcastic. He's saying that she doesn't need money. She doesn't need money.

Yeah, she needs money. She does need money? Why? He's saying if it's not... She's not his family. She's not his... I've got children. I'm not giving them my money.

What a reveal. Me and Mike are Italian. Yeah. It's not his... I've got children. I'm not giving them my money. What a reveal. Be a micro-Italian. Yeah. It's a sacred... It's a very holy position in O'Reilly's culture. So just to be clear, I believe O'Reilly is a creep. Yeah. He said stuff, whatever.

I just... $9 million. What evidence is there of that? But I don't like that the Times can just put an article... You know, if it was a Bill Clinton story, they would probably bring out all the holes in the accuser's story and all the things and how we're not sure.

In the route, they just dump it all out there. They try to create an impression that he's whatever it is. Usually we say out-of-court settlements are not indications of guilt. Usually we say all kinds of things are short-circuited here. He didn't even have a diminishment in ratings. No, of course not.

Hopefully, and this is the last thing, now I'm done. Hopefully, Fox did an internal investigation. Hopefully, they found some real shit that he did, which justifies what he did. I don't think that was at all. I think that advertisers were dropping him. Well, but advertisers are dropping him. 50 of them. That's a

big deal. But they're dropping him because the Times created an impression. They're dropping him for allegations, not for evidence. Right, right, right. When you lose your job for allegations, the people making the allegations, they're wielding a deadly weapon. That's the New York Times. So the New York Times now, did they actually put out both sides of the allegations? Of course not. No. So what they did is they created an atmosphere where

the advertisers feel that he's radioactive. Fox has no choice because they're responsible to their stockholders. So it all comes out was the times fair? It's hard to feel sorry for anybody in this situation because there's no gray area anymore. It's just like one's working for the other side

and one's working for the other side. I'm worried about me already. I'm just saying O'Reilly has probably been wronged here on some level by the New York Times. Absolutely. They're only going to take the anti-O'Reilly stance. But the same thing would happen on the other end. I mean, I'm sure O'Reilly's been guilty of spinning a few things

to the right side. I know, but losing your career. It's the new spin zone. Yeah, it is. I forgot about that. All right, you're listening to the... It bothers me. It worries me. And I'm also worried about getting sued. Like, you know how much...

I'm buying insurance now. $20,000 for sexual practices insurance. It's because everybody's suing now for everything. Listen. Go ahead. I'm done. Nobody said anything about me using the Godfather thing after Paul left, like Connie.

You know, when I did the... She's hysterical. For anyone under 50. For anyone under 50. First of all, if Howard was running this channel, there'd be a show called Natterman Mercurio Tonight. With Beetlejuice.

Why don't you go back now? See this is how nerds did you go back at him? He's not a nerd. Go back at him. He's in your face. Come on, man. Let's see that. Because none of him is a gentleman. Well, I'm a gentleman.

He's a gentleman? That was terrible, Dan. I think he did. No, I think, you know, well, I didn't see what happened before, and if he asked to be on the show and you said yes, but did you definitely say

once someone else gets here? No. So if I put another mic, this would have been fine? Yes. No, I think that five is enough. Yeah, I agree. And if Jessica doesn't watch a step, he's out of here. I'm kidding, of course. That would have been my choice

before Paul. The only thing is that Noam told him he could come on. What does that matter? Noam told him he could come on to plug his show and then afterwards he said I can leave if there's other people coming. I was about to say, yes, unfortunately that will have to happen. But no one then jumped in and said,

no, no, sit down, stay a while, have tea. What is the link between JustGal and me? Why is he cool about it? Well, I don't... That doesn't continue. To be honest with you, I don't know. Do we need JustGal? I don't know.

No! It's taking a horrible twist. But no one figures that JustGal can ask you anything. You guys are close like that. That's not true at all. And since Noam is a... Because it's no secret that recently you've been involved in some trouble. Right.

Well, I have an O'Reilly situation going on. Because the arrest was bullshit. But, of course, I was tried in the TMZ court. And I almost lost a job. But thank God there's no other fat guys who can remember lines. I was told you got away clean. I did get away clean. How were you sued in the TMZ court?

I'm just saying, they announced it first so in HBO's eyes, it's all right, he's not going to show up. But I've never not showed up for anything. The day I got arrested on May TV, I showed up and I knew every line to the fucking sketch. I took a swing at Harry Connick. That's a bad boy.

That's no crime. You said the arrest was bullshit? Well, no. Everything was settled. Well, my contention is you cannot convict Artie Lang in Jersey. I had a couple of markers. Had it been Alabama, they would have said, Now I understand you work for a Mr. Howard Stern,

I believe his name was. It's a Jewish field. I'm black in Alabama. In New Jersey, you're too beloved. He's Springsteen. In Hoboken, it would be tough to get me for something. The doorman would help me move a dead body at this point. So you don't want to talk about the specifics of the event?

No, I don't think I can. There's a couple little things pending. Well, naturally, we're all worried about you already. I think I speak for everybody. Yeah, but everybody says that when I was 30. I'm still here. I don't think I'm going anywhere. I think I had Apache blood.

I'm not going anywhere. That's a good way to live. The Apaches, by the way, were a fierce fight. I'm 25% Indian. I found that out for sure. Beaten only by the Comanches in terms of their ruthlessness. Well, if I could prove that this is no bullshit. If I could prove the tribe, and I have four lawyers working on this.

If I could prove the tribe that I'm in, I'd get casino money, which means you'll probably never see me again. I'm going to buy an island on the Caribbean. I'm going to buy Brando's Island. That would be mega money. If I got the money I lost'm going to buy an island in the Caribbean. I'm going to buy Brando's Island. That would be mega money. If I got the money I lost, I'd have an island in the Caribbean. So I'm definitely Indian, which means my old man was half Indian.

Which means that your great-grandmother banged an Indian. That's fine with me. So I said, what about casino money? If you're one fucking 16th, you get it. But any tribe, even Apache, because it could be any tribe. Apache, are they French now? The Apache?

No, yeah, any tribe. But you've got to prove that, you know, the nearest reservation. But what casino would you get? They don't all have, I don't think there's an Apache casino. Yeah, so how does that work? Do you get a piece of the casino? Yeah. I have part ownership

of the casino. Which casino? We'll figure that out later. The one that Paul's playing at. They can't give you the Mashantucket casino. I like that already. He's always been so proud.

I mean, he still is proud that he's so, you know, 100% Italian until he found out. Well, first of all, Lang is not even an Italian name. No, it isn't. My physical therapist's name was Lang.

Right. Ju-Bron from upstate. But they can change it. There can be an E at the end. Yeah. Henry Hill used to come to the Stern Show and go, I want to change my name to Langella.

Langella. He told me my name was Langella. And then he called me every night for about a year and said the same thing. I know where Spider's buried. This is the second time on this show that I've embarrassed myself in front of one of my heroes. No. Paul's your hero?

No, no. I'm talking about Mike Vecchione. This is a confrontational setup, by the way. We're sitting right across from each other like we're either going to play chess or we're... Are you guys have a beef? Me and Paul, no beef at all. You and Mike. Oh, no.

I love Mike like a brother. Well, Mike did something that's very impressive. You walked on Penn State Wrestling. Yes. That's unbelievable. I walked on it. That's unbelievable. I took the most beatings ever.

He walked. He walked on, he limped off. I've known a lot of tough kids. Knowing that fact about you, the toughest kid I went to high school with, if he went at you, I'd go, come here. Let's talk. I got beat so bad. This All-American kid who was a senior, he was being pushed by a sophomore for a spot.

That's how competitive the team was. This kid was an All-American. Penn State? This kid beat me so bad, beat me physically so bad, I was in tears. I was crying. Really? Yeah, I was 19 years. I was crying. Really? Yeah, I was 19 years old.

But you got to be tough to walk out. He would not, Paul would not have taken that tone with Vecchione. We can agree on that. Because... No, I don't think... No, but he put the mic right in front of your face. That's right. He almost took a shot. If that had physically hit you, would there have been trouble?

Yeah. There would have been a response, for sure. You know, unfortunately, people think that they, and rightly so, that they can take a tone with me because I'm not physically imposing. But you probably have insane anger. I am insane. No, you have anger that pent up from being fucked with, right? I do have anger, but it never manifested itself in me whooping somebody's ass.

Well, you tried to, though, maybe. Well, not that much. You know, not that much. So, you know. Well, it showed up here. You were very aggressive. Nothing was going to happen physically here. No, right. If he would have jumped across, I would have stopped. But he was

mad. Anyway, he was certainly mad, and there's more to it. The story, there's a back story as to some of his issues with the comedy cellar. Is that right? Oh, really? Well, that's what it sounded like, too. Yeah. Well, in any case.

Is his blog right? I'm kidding. I think if Greg Rogel comes in here mad, we all have to get the fight. You know, that's definitely one of those things where I hear about people like that that get really mad, and I've never seen it before. So it was exciting to be a witness. No, exactly. But that's really true. I'm a doll.

This is probably going to be your highest rated podcast. That's right. Noam said it. Comedy gold. It was funny when Noam tried to. He's like, don't ruin the writers. This is gold. No, I know.

Again, speaking from Howard, who's had success, anytime there was a fight with anybody, if you tried to talk, he would just shut you up. My favorite episodes. Yeah, right, exactly. So that was entertaining. I'd replay it. It's entertaining, but I just feel bad about it because Paul's a guy who takes a lot of beatings.

He does? I mean, life. He's got to come and look at him. No. I mean, whatever. Does he think about me? I didn't mean, that doesn't sound right. Not him. He's a... No. I mean, whatever. Does he think a lot of beer? I didn't mean... That doesn't sound right.

Not physically. He always seems so headstrong. He reacted that way because he feels that he's not... He doesn't get any respect. Oh, I see. And it didn't just start here in this moment. What percentage of the people that get respect? Of comics?

Not from... I'm talking about from you. I'm talking about just from life in general. I don't know. You guys would know that better than I. I don't know. That's true, but I agree. There's a specific scenario going on here underneath.

What is it? He doesn't get booked as much as you do. He's not allowed to sit at the comics table. That's one thing. No, he's allowed. He's allowed. No, I just feel like, yeah, he was getting... It just played on him over and over again.

So that eventually, it exploded. But nobody gets told who's the one. You know, this is a great conversation because it's very honest. I feel I'm treated too well here. You do? I do, yeah. Well, listen, I haven't paid for a couscous in years. But I'm saying you guys treat me very well.

I don't know if I deserve. Are you eating steaks every night here? No, no, no. We treat him so well that he comes on our humble podcast. Of course I would. But I always feel bad. You guys have been very nice. Do you have a reputation for saying yes to everything?

Hey, fuck you, Dave. One more. He came back a fourth time. We endeavor to treat everybody well, right? I mean, you feel treated well? Yeah. And so Dan takes my microphone, then I'm going to punch him in his fucking head. It always has to...

The anti-Semitism always comes out. Was there anti-Semitism coming in here? With Paul, you think? Not with Paul. I'm sure it was in his head. Yeah, I'm sure that was the next thing coming. I've never been anti-Semit coming in here? With Paul, you think? Not with Paul. I'm sure it was in his head. Mike Becchione is not anti-Semitic, but he does have a Jew obsession, I think. I'm obsessed. What is that?

I think he has a certain... Ryder, you've got Jew on the brain a little bit. Yeah. I fire back. Yeah. I fire back. I feel like I'm being attacked by Jewish, especially Jews with law degrees. I feel very...

As a working class white in this country, I feel very attacked. Artie, you want to chime in here and help me? I'm about to get torn apart here. I'm a high class white. I just work at a law firm. Different. You want to talk about harassment? What about what you do at your job? Yeah, they're not even comedians. Yeah. They're not comedians.

Go ahead. What? Jessica, I heard you bring a heavyset woman. You bring her cake every day. Oh, Rachel does that. You bring her cake every day. He did get in trouble for harassment at the law firm. Yeah, it was harassment. Well, the HR woman tried to kill me at the office Christmas party.

It wasn't sexual harassment. No, and sexual harassment. I got in trouble for sexual harassment. Yeah, I guess it is. I didn't think of it that way. If you bring a fat broad cake. Yeah, they got mad at that, too. And I told her she had AIDS, too.

That's great. How can you be fat and have AIDS? Well, she had these things on her arm, and it was making me sick. You can be fat with AIDS. Can you be? I don't know. My Uncle Tony. I guess I'm a dick.

By the way, Artie, can we talk about crashing? No, we certainly want to get to that at some point. That's the thing. Like, the fact that I didn't get convicted of anything didn't mean anything to HBO for a while

because they weren't going to put me on the second scene. They were going to fire you. Right. Well, not fire, but there was... I mean, Judd called me

up, he was very nice, and said, look, it's an insurance issue. Right. And I said, well, you know, okay. I guess, I mean, how can I. And I said, well, you know, okay. I guess, I mean, how can I argue with that? And then, you know, they called me back after the finale,

and then they said you can come back if you hit your play. And did it matter that you were acquitted? No. They just, it brings up past issues. Like I might have stabbed myself nine times on heroin and miswork. I heard 15. Anyway. No, but the past issues come up and then the insurance company gets involved.

Then it's money. Right. Right? Yeah. Well, they just want to make sure, as we all do, that you're going to be there, you know. As we all do. Yeah, yeah. It looks like everyone was here.

Everyone shouldn't have been here tonight. It would have been a great appointment. It would have been a great miswork. No, they were, to me it was, well, I'm not going to say that. Why would I bare my forces? I'm very happy with the outcome, put it that way. I'm working.

I'm on the second season, yeah. I think I have a bigger part than Pete. Well, you're certainly, you're certainly from what I hear, and I haven't seen the show, because I don't have HBO. You're on the show. Yeah, you're on it.

Well, people tell me that. I had a very small role. You did't have HBO. You're on the show. Yeah, you're on it. Well, people tell me that. I had a very small role. You did that pot joke. I did see that one. And then he sang, too. What's that? I'm still angry about it. You did that pot joke.

The one you stole from Paul? Oh, I didn't. And I'll fuck it then. You do another one of my fucking jokes on HBO. There'll be ten kids to get you out of the locker this time. Ten! Would you object to having Paul back to talk about this on another show? I would have Paul and Dan on every night.

If he could keep his composure. Why would you want that? Here's the show. But the problem is he's going to explode again. Good luck, Artie. Here's the show. Noam, Paul, Dan, two microphones. Every night.

And then watch what happens. No, fucko! That's what happens when resources get taken from the situation. We get it. That's resources. We get it. You went to Wharton. Now it's my turn.

Paul versus Dan is good because it's like both guys with law degrees. Both guys highly intelligent, articulate, ready to go. I don't think we should... We have a discussion that should be off air, but...

Why? What's the matter with you? All right, well... Empires are built on this. That's fine if you want to do that. What do you want? You mean a make-up session? Well, whatever it would be. Hopefully a are built on this. That's fine if you want to do that. What do you want? You mean a make-up session? Well, whatever it would be.

Hopefully a make-up session. You're not going to see him. Before the make-up session, you guys should tweet at each other first. Oh, yes. And tag us all in it. Hey, at no microphone. I want to check the comedy. I want to check.

Is he booked this weekend with me? Do I have to see him this weekend? No, it's awkward, but you're hosting and you're bringing him up. I don't want the awkwardness. If I never have to see him again, I'm fine. This next guy is great on a podcast. He'll be at the Mohican Sun. That's actually pretty great when people hate each other

and one person's the host and you have to bring the other person. That happens all the time. This next person, what can I say about him? The last five Twitter scams I had that were racial, I got a full quad right now. Hey, what's up? I don't know. Somebody just came over.

Get the fuck out of here. Dan, tell them about the microphone situation. We do have a microphone situation. No, how about this? This is a better show. Okay, go ahead. It's you and Dan. Yeah.

Like a thousand microphones. And Paul comes up and he's like, hey, there's no room. There's literally every microphone on the East Coast. Isn't this worth a little couscous? Come on. This guy's hilarious. We'd still be talking about O'Reilly, Noam, if you had your way.

Instead of this magnificent discussion. No, I'm fascinated. Clearly, you're defending O'Reilly. I'm not kidding about that hysterical thing. A lawyer came on and said, the worst thing someone said he did was he said, I'm jerking off on the phone. Yeah. And who hasn't done that? I don't know.

I might have to throw you out if you're going to talk about O'Reilly. I don't want to say O'Reilly's. I'm not defending him because I don't know what he did or didn't do. What I'm saying is, based on the facts that I do know, what's been reported, I cannot say that it warrants losing. I mean, no criminal court, based on what we know, would ever, ever give him any punishment that resembles anything close to what he got. It's a private settlement.

Two parties can settle for what they want to settle for. I understand that, but The losing of his job. Why would he give any money if he's going to get canned anyway? It's just... Somebody rubs me the wrong way. Listen, I've had... This is interesting. We're back, folks.

I've had... No, no. Don't make him angry. We don't know what he's capable of. I had somebody... Wait, is that Paul's wife? I had someone who works here accuse a comedian

of rape. Well, so what's new? And she demanded that I stop booking it. And is that why you lost the Jell-O band pudding commercial? By the way, he has that lazy eye because when you're raping a chick, you've got to keep one eye on the door. And it becomes permanent.

In case Tempest Bledsoe wants a script conference. What was I to do? I mean, I don't know how to find out whether it's true or not. What? So what did you do? An internal comedy seller podcast investigation. Yeah, you should dress up like a woman, like a sting. I put my head down and hoped it would go away, and it did.

You know what you should have said? Here's what you should have done. Dress up like a sexy woman like the cops do, and then go, well, Hannibal, what are you doing later? All right, what else, Dan? I don't want to... Hannibal, a perfect name. They're eating their own.

Christ. Do you have... I'm already on fire. Yeah, you might have on fire. We're going to pull. Oh, my God. How did that get resolved? Can I ask that now?

What? Well, he said he put his head down. It went away. Oh, you said it didn't go away. It did go away. And that was the worst. In other words, it's like you don't know. You just don't know.

And if I'm presented with real evidence. Was it a man? It was. The rapist was a man. There's a couple of hefty broads. A couple of chicks look like Greg Lusinski. Do you think that you would go back to work for a guy who sexually harassed you for two years for the same money you're already making in the same industry?

Does that mean CNN is like, she got tired of what? Chris Cuomo answering his own questions? I'm glad this happened because people don't realize my nose is bleeding. Go ahead. I'm sorry. I got right ahead of you. Anyway, I just worry that there's more we don't know go ahead

I'm done with O'Reilly wait wait about O'Reilly or Mercurial I think there's a lot going on there's a lot going on Paul

now so you didn't see your episode of Crash and Reef I didn't see it no you did a great show I did two episodes you did two of them I did another episode too

oh no you were funny in both of them you know and I didn't watch it because I don't have HBO and I don't like to watch myself Why don't you have HBO? Are you cheap?

Live a little Vecchione says it because you're cheap Well no Well I know what Vecchione thinks But it's mostly because I do Most of my watching in French Most of my TV watching I do in French Jesus no wonder

Wait wait wait no Go back to Andrew McRae You should argue with Paul in French No wonder. Wait, wait, wait. No. Go back to Andrew McAfee. You should argue with Paul in French. Le put-de-poum. Fuck you. Le put-de-poum. That would have made him look so stupid.

Who would have looked stupider? That would have been great. Get him back here and start a fight. Can we get him back here? We don't know where he is. Hello, dum-dum. And he's still... Hello, dum-dum. He's still...

You're a fool. My guess is he's still very sore and still very raw, so I would prefer not to... He's got to be calm by now. Text him and then I'll give him my microphone. I bet he's building a cross for you. I'll give him my phone and I'll go sit on the bench

and just yell things. My guess is he's on some sort of meeting. Poor Paul. He came in here with good intentions. Now he's going to take a beating for an hour from Artie Lang on Sirius Radio. I'm not. I really like.

La problematica. El stupido cabrillo. You are Italian or stupid. This hasn't happened to him since Opie and Anthony. Since he got the same thing. Hey, the stupid. You know, he's the guy who got them fired, Opie and Anthony. What? I don't know that. He's the one who as me. The stupid. You know he's the guy who got them fired. I don't know. What?

I don't know that. He's the one who was in the church. Oh, is that right? Oh, right. Oh, my God. It reminds me of a Colin Quinn joke on Bob Levy on my roast. He said to Levy, Bob, for 20 years, your act closes with you eating blue cheese dressing out of a drunk woman's ass, and you're still not famous.

We all had two guys fucking in St. Patrick's Cathedral. And they gave him a beating for that, but then they made up. Is he coming back? Wait, he's coming back? You called him back? No, don't. He's still doing it. No, he's not.

Are you about the show or not? This is about the show. What's best for the show, Dan? Oh, him coming back is best for the show. Of course. Just got anecdotes about the broad with the cake. Well, I wanted to also get more. Don't tell a tale. No, no, no. But the best is Mercurio at the front door was like Joe Pesci.

Keep him here. Keep that motherfucker here. The scariest moment in movie history is when Joe Pesci says, keep him here. Yeah. Keep that motherfucker here. Can you tell that story? Have you told it on the air before? What story?

The story about the girl. Attell fucking my girlfriend? Yeah. I think we told it before. Yeah, I think so. We have the wonderful Artie Lang with us. He loves Attell, too. I mean, what is it?

Attell fucks your girlfriend? Yeah, yeah. I found out after she was dead. She was dead when he was fucking her? Now that's a story. No, I found out after she was dead. I was like, I don't believe, one of her friends told me,

like, I don't believe you. She goes, well, he said he was really drunk. He fucked her up the ass and kept saying, don't tell Jessica. Son of a bitch. I say that to every broad. Every whore I'm with in like Peru. Don't tell JustGal.

Who's JustGal? That's your safe phrase. Don't tell JustGal. Okay, we're out. Don't tell JustGal. It's not true. I've broken on a pilot where in poker, Dave Attell is my tell. Like, if I get an ace, he just walks it back and goes, nice card.

What's your tell, David Tell? That's an ace of spades. Nice one. The death card. And he walks out. I can't make any progress on this. It's a tell documentary I want to do. What's it about?

He's not going to be in it. There's a problem. No, yeah, absolutely. He won't. Have you talked to him? No. We saw that documentary. What's the name of the guy?

Barry Crimmins? Barry Crimmins, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you see that documentary? Yeah, but he's almost dead, right? He says, not a fucking chance. Paul's not coming back.

Not a fucking chance. No. Tell him he's got the 930. Well, no him what he thinks about Adam. Tell him you have the 930. Well, no, don't... Tell him I'll give you a spot. Tell him to have the 930 and then tell Chris Rock to get here at 925.

Paul Mercurio is mad. So I got... Who the fuck is yelling at Dan Adam? But come here, but Bob's your man. Don't give that motherfucker It's yelling at Dan Natham. Come here, Bob, you're mad. Don't give that motherfucker nothing. Make sure you got a microphone.

You invite Bob McCoy on me. Make sure you got a fucking microphone. Oh, God. Steve is... It's an hour and a half. Doesn't Steve book it? It's secretly Steve's fault. I'm sorry to bring you to the bus like this.

It was my fault. Steve. So, I was taken to throw you under the bus like this. It was my fault. So I was taken with this Barry Crimmins documentary on Netflix. Holy shit! Barry, mother of a griffin! I love... I hate guineas. I love Italians. Paul McCurry owns a guinea.

Mike Mackey owns an Italian. I don't know if this is interesting to anybody. I don't have to talk about it. No, go ahead. Welcome to Screeching Halt. I was taken with this whole documentary thing. What would I make a documentary on? There's a lot of them though.

Nowadays, everyone's got it. And I thought that a documentary about basically the most universally acclaimed comic genius by his peers. Right. In the world. Paul McHugh. That is virtually unknown. The cat got a microphone. How about this? The next time he doesn't spot there's got a microphone. That is, that is, that the, that the. How about this,

the next time he does a spot there's not a microphone. You tell whoever's emceeing whatever black guy is up there. Listen Fuqua, just put the mic in your,

put the mic in your $9,000 Armani pants. Take it out, take it out to the escalator that's matching in color to the pants. Oh, no, you have to do that. And we'll videotape it. There's no mic. And then Dan comes up and goes, I'm doing a spot.

I got my own microphone. Well, well, looks like the table's up to it. And then Dan Natterman and three other Jews are selling microphones. I got my own microphone. Well, well, well. Looks like the table's up to it. Yes. And then Dan Natterman and three other Jews are selling microphones. Oh, my God. It's so linear. It's linear. And then you're selling microphones to comics.

To Italian comics. Hey, I'll yell it. Who needs a fucking mic? Microphones to comics. To Italian comics. Hey, I'll yell it. Who needs a fucking mic? Oh, he does that. Does anybody here have a VCR? Did I miss him? That's his act. He throws down the mic.

He doesn't need the mic. Oh, is it? I don't know. That's what he does. Paul throws down the mic. I'm from Rhode Island. Italian family. Anybody Italian?

Who needs a microphone? Look at me now. It's uptown for Cosmo. Oh, God. That was a very Vinnie Pazienza move. I want to hear more Chris Rock before Paul McCarrick. I'm MCing tonight. It's a long night.

Coming up next is a man who needs No introduction And no microphone This motherfucker Don't need a microphone Matter of fact Neither do I Please welcome to the stand

Dan Nutterman I'm kidding Paul Paul Mucker I'm fucking with you Where the fuck Hey Rock Where the fuck is the mic Oh a black man

Stole the mic Is that Is that what you're saying I need a microphone Netflix motherfucker Two words Netflix Netflix

Now brothers were fighting Over that microphone That shit be different I'm gonna lay you out I'm sitting here You know his Fuck you junk guy But you know his

And now the very funny Legal attendant Dave Johnson Paralegal Isn't his podcast called Two Microphones? You're missing two turntables. Two turntables. Is that what it's called?

I think it's called Two Microphones, isn't it? Or what is it? Paul's podcast. Hey, but Count Vecchione, there were actually six microphones. You might be confusing it with Neil Brennan's Three Microphones. No, I don't think so. Oh, everyone confused it with Neil Brennan's. That's a happening show.

Oh, my God. This is the funniest. I've never laughed this hard like that before. When you have to pause to say that, it's usually not true.

That's usually how it goes. It goes a sudden burst of violence and then some healing, but not really. Right. And then a lot of laughter. Oh, no, this scam

is going to be there a long time. Seriously, it's just a typical San Gennaro festival here. Is Paul on the schedule this weekend? I don't want awkwardness. I may have to apologize. That man doesn't want awkwardness.

I'm not good at that. This is like Arguello Pryor. Let me see the schedule. Let me see the schedule. I was having like tea with Dana Perino. Are you kidding me? She's smoking. Where is she?

She's here? What the fuck are we talking about? I'm sitting at the table there. I think it was Dana Perino. And Natterman walks up. I'm back. Hold on. Natterman walks up to me. Natterman walks up to me. I think it was Dana Perino. And Natterman walks up and says, hold on, Natterman walks up to me,

Natterman walks up to me, I'm sitting with, you know, Dana Perino. Who's Dana Perino? The President Bush's secretary. She's on the five. Oh yeah, she's good.

And Natterman says to me, he says, Nom, you know, you got to get these cooks to wash their hands when they go to the bathroom. And he's worried about awkwardness.

He walked right up to me. How about everything Mercurial wants, there's not enough of? You have a hundred people like that, Dan. Because I care about the comedy, Tyler. You don't say that in front of a guest that I'm sitting with, for Christ's sake. You're right, but there's a higher

thing. I'm sitting with a hot young girl, and I go, does she know how old you are? Hey, dude, that was fucking 15 years ago You just said She's old Digging shit up 15 years ago Digging that shit

Digging that shit up This shit is 15 years old Damn you're the ultimate cop walker This is the only time You can rip from a Curios Motherfucker dig up shit From 1982 That was very racist That accent from Mercurio's. How did we go home and write this one? Motherfucker dig up shit from 1982.

Hey, hey, hey. That was very racist, that accent. Do a rock and French. I've lost a pint of blood. Y'all didn't worry, y'all didn't negra. Hey, you did this,

le negra. Jesus Christ. That would have put him in his place. The French word for nigger is too close. I thought it would be like, I don't know. No, the French word is... Like blanca.

It's basically the same word. You know what they call... When you get it right the first time. They call them black. They just use the English term a lot too. They'll say like... They'll use the word black. The English word black. Exactly. Because'll say like, they'll use the word black. The English word black. Exactly.

Because America... Well, that explains it. Because they use all of... Because America's dominant in... You're talking to the Fugees. I apologize, guys. You see, in the fridge. Because America's dominant in what? In the internet, in porno, and in black people.

That's the things we do. How about this? Gannerman yelled out the N-word. He still has a spot tonight. I didn't yell out the N-word. I yelled out the... You said La Negra. I said Negra.

That makes it all better. I got a feeling if the Wu-Tang Clan were here, they wouldn't have heard about it. What's up with La Negra? I hate La Negra. I love La black people. I'm just looking at the schedule this week. That's rocking French. French translation of the classic bit.

I did the French translation. I love la black people. I hate la negra. I said that already. J'adore les noirs. Je déteste les negres. Est-ce que tu sais ce que les negres feraient? Hey, God, I got that already. J'adore les Noirs. Je déteste les Nègres. Est-ce que tu sais ce que Nègre ferait? Hey, God, I got a microphone.

Le premier jour de mon film, le Nègre... Whatever. All right, so is there a conflict, Dan? I'm just looking at the... This needs to be handled on a podcast, not during a 9.30 show. Is there a conflict?

I'm just looking at this guy. Let's go to traffic and transit on the ones Tell Paul can't get introduced because there's not enough MCs Steve Can you just text SD and ask No I'm looking at the schedule this weekend I'm looking at it There's 40 shows to go through

Stop bragging about all your income that you're making Actually there's 50 shows So I don't know So it's a documentary So is it a, it's a documentary. So, is it a fascinating topic for a documentary? I think so. That the most revered comic genius in the country, that the comedy public doesn't understand that he is that guy.

Tom Papa. All right. There's no... Go ahead. I'm sorry. No, no, no. I just want... I feel like the pressure to introduce some conversation. It's I'm sorry. No, no, no. I just want... I feel like the pressure to introduce some conversation. I'm interrupting.

But you're right. But he doesn't like that comedy. I think it's a great idea. I don't think it ever happens. No, you're right. Every famous comedian in the world would sit to be interviewed for this show. And that's what's interesting. Like, Louie.

Who is there a comedian who... And every one of them will go up there and say... That was the problem with that list. He is... Like, that night that we had all the problem with that list. Like that night that we had all the million dollars of comedy. Artie's going to say

something about Paul Mercurio. No, you book Paul and you don't have a lavalier. There's no lavalier. Did you do Paul's podcast, Artie? I did. I did, yeah. Wait, who?

No, Paul, yeah, I did it. Paul Provenza? Paul. Paul Dean. Paul Dean's podcast. La Negra. I thought you did. La Negra.

Paul. Paul Dean said La Negra. Paul. She said, tonight we're making Jew feed. Paul's not on the schedule this weekend. Paul and Dean Martin. Oh, he said Mohegan Sun. Oh, yeah, what was he saying?

He said Mohegan Sun. What am I saying? How could we forget that? I hope they have microphones. He's dancing in such a panic. Eventually, you're going to have to see him, though, Dan. How are you going to play it? How about Paul's agent call?

You know, well, we're asking for the minimum. Probably just when we see each other, we'll probably just be a cold ignoring. Unfortunately. You should apologize to him because it wasn't nice what you did to him. You were mad at me and you lashed out at him. This is Paul's agent, Ed Rabinowitz. You're asking for the minimal microphone. The question is...

He's not Carrot Top. The question is... Does a prop comic need a microphone now? The question is, who was in the wrong in that exchange and to what degree were we in the wrong? Noam seems to think I was mostly at fault, as he always does, by the way. You're 100% in the wrong. You always say that. You thought I was wrong when I blasted Calabria a year

ago. Because I told Paul to sit there. I told him not to leave. I'm the host of the show. There are Jews and there's kites. How could he be wrong? How could he be wrong for doing what I told him to do? Yeah, and I'm the co-host. What do you think of that? On the flip side of that, you know this kind of stuff bothers him. He did the

same thing to Lenny Marcus last time. It doesn't matter to you, JustGal. I'm just saying. I've had co-hosts all over the world. Paul Mercurio doesn't get that co-host job. You make me look ridiculous, Dan. You make me look... In a manified position.

It'll make him even more obscure. What do you think, JustGal? I think we all know his attitude towards everybody who's here. Like, he's done the same thing to Lenny Marcus. I've seen him. Lenny Marcus is the kindest, sweetest guy. Give time for the audience to Google Lenny Marcus. But I'm just saying, remember you were just like, Lenny Marcus is not supposed to be here.

Oh, God. We know Dan gets upset if there's too many microphones. It's crazy. There's too many microphones. It's great. There's too many people. So maybe it wasn't personal towards Paul. It was had nothing to do with that.

No, it definitely wasn't. It was more of a equipment thing. Paul took it that way. Paul took it that way when you said, Paul, get the fuck out of here. How could he have

misjudged that comment? How did he misread those signs? Play it again, Sam. I say we take a break. It was unjustifiable, Dan. You're right. You're right.

He's right. You believe that to be the case, Arthur. I think Mike was out of line. Yeah, no. I was out of line. I got hit in the face with a microphone. $9 million. I'm suing for $9 million.

Vecchio. Well, you know. His reaction, the facial. He went like this. He went, well, all right. No one puts me in weird positions where I have to. Let's calm down here. You know, I feel no one puts me in weird positions.

Especially women. If another person had come to the table, no one would have told him to sit down. That's what no one does. It's a cast. It's like a Cecil B. DeMille production. You were mad at me. You lashed out at Paul. I didn't lash out at Paul.

All I did was go like this. That's aggressive. Cecil B. DeMille production. You were mad at me. You lashed out at me. I didn't lash out at Paul. All I did was go like this. That's aggressive. That's aggressive. He was in mid-sentence. You know what I mean? Paul wasn't talking at the time. You know what it's like if a Passover, if the angel Elijah, if you shut the door. In terms of hurt feelings, though, Dan, I get it.

In terms of hurt feelings. This is like serious. We're all sensitive. We're all emotional. I'm the other hand. He can act like a man. I'm just saying, like, a couple of times, then, yeah. So, a couple of times plus any time.

What about when you offer Paul, we're going to go, this group on the road, and we'll take this act on the road. See if Paul, how much do you want for that? We all get a grand. And then a tell comes around. What do you feel, Michael, that I should do with regard to Paul Mercurio? Look, it's Sunday.

It's Sunday. Mom made dinner. I mean, on moral grounds. Not what's good for the radio show. No, not the radio show. Off the radio show, I think you guys should call him. You think I owe him an apology? Or do we owe each other mutual apologies?

I think you should pull him aside and let him know that you weren't attacking him personally. Because that'll quell his insecurities then. Because you could tell by the way he reacted, he felt attacked. The secret word is quell. I'm sorry, Artie, if I'm using collegiate language here.

Oh, that is terrible. I went to four years of school and I'm going to fucking display it. Fuck you! And you're not in college yet? You don't fucking like it, Artie. I think you should pull him aside and talk to him.

This is the only time I wish I was in jail. What about... I think you should pull him aside and talk to him. This is actually a lot of fun. Do you believe you hurt his feelings? Do I believe I hurt his feelings? Well, obviously I fun. Listen, do you believe you hurt his feelings? Yeah, that's really what it's about. Do I believe I hurt his feelings? Well, obviously I hurt his feelings.

Do you want to hurt his feelings? Do I believe Artie is guilty of drug possession? I don't know. I got enough on me right now to give me three to five. Do you want to hurt his feelings? Did you want to hurt his feelings? Of course not. So then you should apologize.

It's as simple as that. You hurt him. You didn't mean to, so you have to apologize. They hit him with five and so could he still have them. And then Paul in good faith should be like, hey, I reacted emotionally. That's true too. Because I was hurt.

Bad life for Dan. But the one person I haven't heard a peep of contrition out of, and it's another word. I know contrition. I didn't say you didn't know it. I didn't say you didn't know it. I said it's another word that maybe you would want to make fun of. Don't make fun of the Connecticut School of Broadcasting. That's right.

One person I never hear contrition from, ever. Who? Mr. Noam Dorman. I orchestrated Radio Gold. I'm not apologizing to anybody. You orchestrated nothing. I'm going to talk to his father. I come to you.

I'm the day of your daughter's wedding. I'm the day of your daughter's wedding On the day of your son's podcast I'm already talking to a photo of the late man Of the late man he bore me On the day of your son's podcast I never hear contrition at a door I used to work for his father May Dave Driscoll be masculine

Paul is doing Wednesday 11-10 That's the spot to makes Thursday 11-10 That's how Ellen got her sick count I won't be here those days Eventually it's going to come around And eventually I'll say it Rainy night in the lounge

It's probably a problem that should be solved Listen, you want to have fun You have to do it 11-10 I won't be there for that 11-10 spot You have to have10. What is that? I won't be there for that. 11-10 spot. You have to have Dan emceeing. And when he leaves, you introduce him and there's no mic.

You take the mic. And four of us will laugh. This will be so forgotten. But what a laugh it will be. Right. And then Sinatra gets you together. All righty. Unfortunately, I have to see Dear Evan Hansen on Thursday.

Hey, everybody. And let me tell you why Paul is in the right. That was Dave's voice in his head. Paul called me earlier and asked me, I said, yeah, Just Scout was the last minute thing just because he happened to be around the corners by coincidence. So if anybody should have relinquished their seat, it was Just Scout.

But the truth is that it was okay. We were managing fine. It was no big deal. It could have been a big deal. It was very funny. It does get very hectic when there's a lot of people and there's not a lot of mics. The funniest thing is the face mic thing.

We almost hit him with the mic. First of all, we have Artie Lang. Keep that motherfucker here. Artie Lang, obviously, we could all leave. Most of us haven't said a word in about 15, 20 minutes. I was mad at you, Arty. That was so passive-aggressive. It was not passive-aggressive.

Noam's being an instigator. You turn Arty on, you watch him go. Do you have a hazard waste bag for this mic? I'm not sure I get that. But anyway, Arty is all we need. Tell the Curio there's AIDS on the mic. He can have an AIDS mic.

I know that when I have Artie on the show, or when we have Artie on the show, Calabria was nice enough to book him. I know that we don't need a cast of thousands. Is that who kept calling? We don't need a Cecil B. DeMille production. We don't need Ben Hur. We need a couple of people. I'm going to listen to Paul's podcast.

He wouldn't come back to this. Cab it up. I'm sure he's going to have a two-part video. Noam likes to book this thing kind of. He knew we had Artie. He knew we had Mike. And now he's inviting Cassidy. You should have said to Mercurio,

you can come on for 10 minutes and plug your show. I think you owe me an apology, too, because you put me in a bad position. You put me in a bad position. You put me in a bad position. You know how I am. You know why I do this, Marie. Why did you do that, Karen? Oh, come on.

They never would have found Paul. Why do you make me do these things when I get angry? Just because you had a beef with me about something that you may or may not be right about does not give you a get-out-of-jail-free card to handle it any way that you want. When a guest is on my show without authorization, I am authorized to use any means necessary.

He had authorization. Let me put it another way. I would have never done that to somebody that you had said was okay to come on the show. Never. I do. Period. Welcome to another June yelling. You know what? I don't just pile people on the show when we're already booked.

So that wouldn't come up. We had extra mics. For a time, we had extra mics. Then those extra mics were utilized by various mic users. It speaks for itself. An innocent guy. He is an innocent guy. Came in here, walked out humiliated, had that Artie Lang dump on him for an. An innocent guy. He is an innocent guy. Came in here, walked out humiliated.

Had that Artie Lang dump on him for an hour on national radio. That's what he's getting into when he steps in this club. That was in good fun. National radio was leaving. Artie didn't mean nothing. He put himself in a bad thing with me. I got a lot of bad consequences. And we did get a hell of a radio show out of it.

I got out of a sit-down. As far as our Artie abusing him, it was all in fun. I don't think Paul would take it that way. But, of course, I can't control Artie any more than the New Jersey State Police. I'm going to let you have that. We're out of time, Dan. You want to say goodbye? I have to go to the hospital.

All right. First of all, we're so glad that Artie is clearly by all evidence doing by all The word is happy. He seems great.

Yeah, I'm great. Cut to... I'm like Kim Cattrall with HBO Now. You know, Artie, because we so love you and we so want you to be with us for a good, good long time. Now get the fuck out of here! But you don't care if JustGal dies.

I have no problems with that. I don't care. I want to know what you're going to ask Dave about me. Well, no one thought that David would be able to... In other words, his notion was that I wouldn't have the chutzpah

to ask you about your recent problems with the authorities. Oh, of course. No, it wasn't even that. He's always open. I didn't know whether or not it would be appropriate to even ask, and I figured because Dave and Artie are friends, he would have a sense for what Artie would...

Friends is a strong word. He would have a sense for what Artie would be comfortable with and not comfortable with. The only time Dave was open is bashing me on other podcasts. We do know that Artie is an open book. Is that why you set this up like a Senate Judiciary Committee? This podcast owes an apology, Senator. I hope you would skip. The Italian-Americans are the finest people.

My name has been besmirched. There's nothing that I have said that he hasn't said himself in Too Fat to Fish. Hey, quell it. All right. No, at Too Fat to Fish, I am an open book. He's an open book. And that open book is number one on the New York Times. He's an open book.

And I don't think he would come here shortly after his arrest. Were he not prepared to talk about it? Well, yeah, what am I going to do? I mean, unless he has said, when we booked him, I'd love to come, but I don't want to talk about the arrest. Can we talk about Paul Mercurio instead? I think the headline is, Natterman says that word in French. And every time you get angry, you should definitely do it in French.

And to be honest, I also don't want to be exploitive of the situation. Well, tell that to Andrew McRush. You're right. We don't want to use Artie's problems for our own... Oh, you can just complete my thought for me. Go ahead. Go ahead, Dan. Go ahead.

You obviously know what I'm going to say. Go ahead. Do I have to come in for this? You're right, Noam. I apologize. Go ahead and say what I... No, I'm done. I'm going to say. Go ahead. Do I have to come in for this? You're right, Noam. I apologize. Go ahead and say what I... No, I'm done. I'm done.

This is good. And, Noam, may I also say you're a very handsome man. What's this part? It's called making enemies. I worried about that because, as I said, Artie... No name to argue. One of Artie's problems is he says yes to things. And I don't want him...

But Calabria's the one... I figured Calabria wouldn't have asked him if he thought... Steve did a great job. I do say yes to things, and I don't want him. But Calabria is the one. I figured Calabria wouldn't have asked him if he thought. Steve did a great job. I do say yes to things. The co-viewer at the end of my block list. I don't want him to say yes that he regrets. Juskow's Godfather show. What?

I don't know how to lose that job. The only job I lost was Clemenza on the Juskow show. He wasn't in the last one. Juskow is doing another Godfather show. May 9th. May 9th. May 9th. I will be once again reprising my role as Michael Cornejo. He should fire him.

I told you this. What? Because he doesn't take the time to learn the key lines and deliver them in a way that a Godfather fan would enjoy. I want to say that Noam was the only guy when I would do the inflections that appreciated it. No, we don't understand satire. No, we don't understand satire. When I started to laugh slowly, like Clemenza.

If I'm going to do the lines word for word, I have to do them as... If you're going to do the lines, I got to go. Either I'm doing lines that are funny lines in the way that's done in The Godfather, or I'm doing the same lines in The Godfather in a funny way. No, that's a total rationalization. That's your way of rationalizing not actually watching the fucking movie. JustGal loves the way Natterman does Michael.

JustGal's fuming after every Godfather. We got a new total on the top board. If you're fuming, you're fuming, then fire me. By all means. I love the way you do it. There's two lines during the thing that we always want you to do it the right way.

Then tell me to do it that way. What I want was most important to me. That's not his line. That's from Ocean 13. Fire him or place him on fire. This type of thing has to happen every ten years, five years. He can't help it.

He's staring at Larry from Three's Company's eyes and he's starstruck. Larry's another guy. Larry's another guy I pissed off in a previous podcast. And you have to do it like Natterman, but you have to do it like Natterman making fun of that...

Fuck the regal and the beagle. Of that cadence. Fuck the blonde, nobody knows. Well, if David wants to... See how he gets... He's so fucking defensive. Potatoes. Potatoes. Then fire me. I don't need to do this defensive I'm saying If David wants me to do it that way He can certainly tell me before the show

But don't expect me to do research No I don't Usually I put it in the pamphlet And then we talk about it beforehand Do you enjoy his interpretation? You gotta tell me specifically You gotta tell me specifically Are we cutting into Jamie Flats this time?

Why? How to do it. If you want me to do it that way, I don't need this troublemaker over here, Noam Dorman fucking around with our... He's a star maker! You wanna tell him about the conversation that did the last night? With our relationship. Tell him. Tell him. Tell who?

Me? You! About what conversation? I gotta go do Tom Papa's show. All right. But these proceedings. We can edit. It's okay. I hate to say that a few bad apples. Before I go.

The podcast version can go as long as it wants. The serious version can only go for a while. It wants to end. It wants to end. I want to end. We're just getting warmed up. Keith has something important to say. Keith, the microphone just opened.

Keith, the mic. As you know how we do it here, Keith. Our first African-American guest. Please sit down, Keith. What conversation and with whom? Say what you said in French before. Say what you said in French. Say it to his face now, Dan.

That's right. When I got tossed out, would you throw me out like you did Paul Mercurio? Oh, you heard that word. Is he outside? Is he outside ranting? It's trending. That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard. Even darker than the last one.

Go ahead. Say what you're going to say, Dan. La what? Well, I'm not going to say this, Dan. Go ahead. Go ahead. Kristen. Montella.

Yes. What about it? For the listeners, he's pointing with his good hand. I think she yapped too much. Kristen Montella. Yes. What about it? For the listeners, he's pointing with his good hand. I think she yapped too much. Kristen Montella, for those of newer fans, was our former sidekick, co-host, whatever it was. Co-host. Okay. And she thinks that you yapped too much.

Oh, she thinks that, does she? That you don't give her a chance. Wait a minute. Let me finish. That you don't give her the chance to flow like she should. Well, what did she say about Noam? Because I know she's got issues with Noam. No, well.

I made fun of her dog. She was upset about that. Yeah, she made fun. Well, yeah, she was upset about the dead dog. Who wouldn't be? I'm upset about a dead dog. Okay, go ahead. You guys dog fight.

Am I wrong? Am I out of bounds here? a dead dog. You guys dog fight. Am I wrong? Am I out of bounds here? But the dog... This is what gym people call the cool down. If a dog dies of natural causes, I'm upset. Like Michael Vick. Yeah, you guys can run because you have a special bone in your feet. What the hell is going on, Mike?

Oh, Mike. No. Mike's an Italian from South Philly. The big hot degree. Michael just saw Rocky. But Montella thinks, come on now, help me out with this, that Dan yaps too much. She was mad at you. For the same reason I'm mad at you.

I love you. We both love you. But you're very difficult sometimes. You're not always a team player. You are incredibly difficult yourself. Incredibly difficult. Now, you own the place so people don't tell you that.

Right. But I'm the only real friend. Did you say right? I'm saying if you want to join us. I'm the only real friend you got in this place. No, people. Everybody else will tell you, hmm, this sandwich is really good.

Quite frankly, you're taking liberties. Are you telling me you don't like ancient grains? Is that what you're saying? Man, that's a head of rock. No, no, no. I give it to you straight. No one gets it straight from the band. Go, Artie.

Artie, God bless you. Thank you, Artie. Thank you, Artie Lang. We don't deserve to have you on this show, but thanks for coming. Why is my plug just coming up? All right. God bless him. Artie Lang.

HBO's crashing. Kristen. Yeah, what about Kristen? Let's deal with her. We have an extra mic now if Paul wants to come back. I got to go, too. I got to go to Tom's show. All right.

I guess we've run out of petrol. Wait a minute. But I have some. Go ahead. Hello? Anybody here? We're here. Go ahead, Keith.

Go ahead, Keith. That's it, though. Well, I thank Kristen through you. You can thank her for constructive criticism. And now I got a few things to say about Kristen. And you can tell her I said this. She's stingy with that booty. Why didn't she give me no ass when she had the chance?

She's married. Yeah, well, she had a chance. She could have given me some ass. And she never did. And that's why I'm mad at her. Is that why you drove her off the show? No, I didn't drive her off the show. I begged her to come back on the show.

Noam drove her off the show, as far as I'm concerned, with his endless political talk that she didn't want to be involved in. I think. But maybe not. Noam is a very, very difficult guy to work with. It's not just me. I may be difficult. Noam is insanely difficult.

But you also ran off Paul Michael Mercurial. Let me tell you what I'm not. I'm not difficult to have a conversation with. I don't interrupt people. If I'm talking on the radio, if somebody else starts talking, I will stop talking. If there's a guest, I will ask them questions. I don't talk over

them. You talk, but you go down these long winding political roads. There you go, Dan. You didn't even let him finish. Dan wants to show that he's in charge now. I'd like to be in charge. Dan has that I'm in charge mode going on. That's what it is.

Well, somebody's got to be in charge. The problem is too many cooks. What you just described is not being difficult. What you described is that you don't find me interesting, which is fine. No, but that doesn't mean I'm difficult. Well, but you also know. Well, you've been difficult. You know, he doesn't answer back when we say we want to talk about guests.

And he doesn't. He gets that auto text back saying he's in the car. I'll tell you why. Because you throw a hissy fit. I'm like, okay, if you want a guest, I'm like, okay, Dan, if you want that guest, it's fine with me. You're like, I'm not coming out if this person's a guest. I'm not coming out if that person's a guest. Yes, you do that. So I'm like, okay, Dan, if you want that guest, it's fine with me. You're like, I'm not coming out if this person's a guest. I'm not coming out if that person's a guest. Yes, you do that.

So I'm like, all right. Well, anyway, everybody's left the party. There's nobody left here. So when you have a veto, you essentially have a veto of the guest. Ask Steven. He'll tell you. So I'm like, don't tell me about the guest. Just let me know who's going to be there.

But I didn't approve Paul Michael. I would have approved him if you had said beforehand, let's have him. Wait a minute. But your last minute thing. Can I say this, Dan? Yeah, go ahead. Who are you to approve Mercurial? If a guy's there, you've worked for years, you can't say that.

Well, but there's a limited presence at the table, Keith, as you can see. But, but, but. There's only five microphones. But you can't say that. You see, well, no, this Comedy Cellar podcast is not a free-for-all. It's not a free-for-all, but if Paul's on it, let Norm be the head guy. He's the head guy. It's my ball.

You're the co-host. Look, Paul's gone now, and there's nothing we can do about it. All right, well, I... Good night, everybody. Good night. Bye-bye.