The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Artie Lange, Ray Ellin, and Russ Meneve

Episode Date: December 15, 2018

Artie Lange is a legendary standup comedian, actor, and radio personality. He was recently involved in a controversy regarding the Comedy Cellar and its show on Comedy Central, 'This Week at the Comedy Cellar.'  Ray Ellin is a New York City-based standup comedian and producer of the Comedy Central TV show, "This Week at the Comedy Cellar." He may be seen performing regularly at the Comedy Cellar.   Russ Meneve is a New York City-based standup comedian who may be seen performing regularly at the Comedy Cellar.  

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99, The Comedy Channel. We're here, of course, as always, with Mr. Dan Natterman. Hello, Dan. How do you do? And we have one of our favorite comedians, Mr. Russ Meneve is here. Good to be here. And we have, wonderfully, we have Mr. Artie Lang. Hey.

Who we had a thing in the news this week because Artie was mad at us. Artie Lang was mad at us. And it broke my heart. I don't think there's another comedian that would have crushed me that way. Oh, thank you. But it's the truth. And I'll just read. It was in page six.

Okay. Well, I don't even want to read the story because it's painful. But the synopsis is that Artie shot something for our TV show, and somehow it didn't make the show, and he was angry at us, and... Well, can I just give a brief... Go ahead. Synopsis of, for those who are not familiar,

the Comedy Cellar has a TV show every week where comedians go on stage and talk about the week's events in joke form. Right. So what it is is Comedy Central tapes like 50 comedians every week, or whatever the number and uses whichever jokes they want to use. Right.

So most comedians don't make it into the final cut. That's the topics that they're looking for jokes on already. Right. Okay. So Artie was nice enough to tape a set for the show, but he did not make it into the final cut for whatever reason. And I don't... He blamed it on Elie Wiesel or something.

I don't recall that. But... I read it quickly. Is that what you wrote on Elie Wiesel or something. I don't recall that. I read it quickly. Is that what you wrote? Elie Wiesel. Weasel, Wiesel. I called Ray a weasel. Oh, that's what it was. Now you got it.

I read it quickly. Again, it's another long line of bad decisions I've made in my life. Twitter is a bastard. It gets you in trouble. No, I felt immediately guilty about that. I'm not guilty about the weasels at Comedy Central. Because, you know, first of all, I didn't know it was a clip show. I thought you did, like, a whole set.

Right. So I'm wasting my time telling a story up there. And I know it's topical jokes. And so I tried to promote it. I tried to tweet that I'm going to be on it. And then you're not on it. And I just felt that Ray misled me in a way. Well, did he tell you that you're definitely be on or that he?

No. And I've been in the business long enough and I've been cut out of enough things to know that it's not a definite. But I wanted to be on it because I love this club, and I wanted to be part of the show. I literally had just come out of rehab, and I overreacted in the Twitter thing. I don't think you did. So it was, I mean, I felt the necessary to apologize to you, Norm, because you're family to me. Well, I feel the same way, and I did Norm, because you're family to me. Well, I feel the same way. I did not think that you overreacted.

What about the Aziz remarks? Hold on. I did not think that you overreacted. I'm fine with that. What I did think was that you, not knowing what was going on behind the scenes, that you lashed out at me, really, who wasn't involved in it. But I thought, and I said this to them, that if you ask Artie Lang to be on the show, then fucking put him on the show.

And when somebody tweets it and whatever it is, they can spare 15, whatever it even is. It's Artie Lang. Just put him on the fucking show. What got to me was this, Norm. I didn't think the material was indicative of something you would like.

I didn't think it was like some of the jokes were You mean what got on, Artie? Yeah. You mean you saw the actual finished show. Right. Okay. And your thoughts on it. I haven't been involved in choosing the show. Right. Okay. And your thoughts on it. I haven't been involved in choosing the jokes. Right, right.

So, I mean, you know, it's like I didn't know who was responsible for what. I just know that I got mad if someone got offended by something I said and how people are easily offended in this climate. No, that wasn't. To my knowledge, that wasn't the case. Well, although I didn't hear you say it. It was confusing. But the article kind of implied that on some level, right?

And that's what Artie saw? Yeah. Well, the article said he was, I think the article implied. No, Russ was right. The article implied. That might not be true. It implies that it was offensive material. It was offensive, or, you know, the overall implication of the article

is that it was too offensive and it didn't make the cut. Which may not be the case. Well, the article didn't say he was cut. Okay. Yeah, I didn't see, I didn't think the article

gave a reason. I don't know if it said that because he was offensive or not, you know, to me it wasn't really much of a story. I mean...

That's the other thing, too. Yeah, the beginning. The media, I'm finding out, is really starved for stuff. I mean, Radar Online treats me like a Kardashian. I mean, I'm a huge fuck-up, so I guess that's a story. But you combine that with G-list fame, and you get on Radar Online every two seconds. So, Artie, were you upset when having watched the finished product on Friday night on Comedy Central?

Right. Were you upset because you felt that the jokes that made it on were worse than the jokes that you had told? I thought they represented a point of view that is kind of hacky. Yeah. And not what the comedy seller is. I'm sure Noam has an opinion on that. Well, he probably does. I'd certainly love to hear it.

Spring-loaded. I mean, I don't want to get in trouble, especially since people have been getting in trouble for opening their mouths. But I would, you know, if the show gets picked up, I would like it to be a little bit more... For a second season. A little bit more provocative.

Sure. I would like it. Although, I did think that last week's show was good. They were easy Trump... I don't mind a Trump joke. I don't mind any political joke, because I did think the last week's show was good. They were easy Trump jokes. I don't mind a Trump joke. I don't mind any political joke because I'm not political. But it was like they were just easy points of view to me. That's right.

The Comedy Cellar is the direct opposite of that. This is a haven in the sea of shit that we're dealing with out there. Where, you know, it's like I always tell Russ, it's like a clubhouse where we could come and actually still be funny. And it's really hard to capture what the legend of that table is. It's hard to do that. Okay, two things. I want to say this, and I know you're going to think that this is me covering my bases,

but this is absolutely the truth. I want to tell you this. I mean, you also run the business, though. I understand that. No, no. The people at Comedy Central have been very, very straight up with me and very, very flexible. They have not

once told me, no, you can't use that joke. They've told me over and over, if you really believe in a joke, you can fight for it, whatever it is. The problems that we've been having have not been with the network. They've been within our own group of production teams. It seems like there's a lot of cooks in the kitchen, right?

And you identify. And that's really true. It's really the network has not once poured water on something that I'm aware of. So the thing about the table is one of the things of the show that I'm really least happy with because it doesn't feel authentic a lot of the time. It's gotten a little bit better. That table got famous for people like Patrice

and, you know, and people like Patrice and Nick DiPaolo getting together and butting heads, you know, and in an insanely witty, smart way. And it's so hard. It's hard to capture that. It just is, you know,

even if you do it the right way. It's hard to get that on television. You want a little you do it the right way it's hard you want a little friction right yeah absolutely and well I mean that's what I feel and I had asked

the showrunner I said well can I sit at the table I don't want to be on TV but just to help stir the pot you know and they don't want me here's what's unique

about you and your great father Manny and one of the things people love about you you guys are unique guys in the sense that your politics are not indicative to what your label might be in the world, you know? Right.

And it makes you interesting and really smart. And to me, it's a clip show that, like, you know, I don't know. I was disappointed in it because, not because I wasn't on it, but because I thought it was something way different. This name should be sacred. I mean, it should. There have been a lot of good moments on this show. I mean, I feel, you know what it is?

I think that people don't realize that everybody's human. Right. And that they see a guy, I'm going to be very honest, they see a guy like Artie Lang and all your troubles and all the things that you're going through.

Right. And they fail to realize that, yeah, it doesn't matter if he tweets out that he's getting made on a show. Clearly he's excited about it. I said this,

and now you're saying it, but I said it. He was excited to be on the show. Didn't you see that? I was, absolutely. And then you don't put him on the show. Anything involved I'll be honest with you. It hurts. It's just gonna sound like I'm kissing ass, but I'm not.

And Russ, we all feel this way. We all love you. Any comic worth anything loves you. Appreciate that. I've been involved with a lot of things that, you know, like some major stuff in my life. Anything involved with this club, I'm excited about.

If my name's in with the Comedy Cellar. So I was kind of aggravated at that, but I was like, this is not the table that we knew. And for some of these young executives that you have to sit in front of nowadays and pretend they're funny, you know, it gets so aggravating that they're making choices.

Like, I hated that I was being judged by a guy that I have in my head as the quintessential average network executive right now. I hated that my jokes were being judged by him. And might have got cut because of that. And I got angry and I, you know, overreacted.

Well, I understand it. And, you know, we can keep going, but it was painful to know that you were angry with me. I was never angry. I'm just so happy that it's done. Well, I know for a fact that Artie was never angry at Noam. No, he was.

Well, now hold on now. I'm a Artie Twitter follower. I understand that he has his highs and he has his lows. I don't take them altogether that seriously. Let's concentrate on the highs. Because I know Artie sometimes. You know, he gets into a zone, but I

was pretty confident. Cocaine and heroin do not mix well with Twitter. I was confident that he would be back here in short enough order. It was a world record for making up. Yes, it didn't take long. I got to say, you talk about professionalism. Noam reached out in a way that was so unbelievably.

See, that's indicative of the relationship I have with this place. The way you reached out to me through Ross. It's family. It's a family. You were so nice, Noam. Thank you. I didn't deserve that kind of respect at that point. But you have treated me with nothing but respect over the years in this place. Russ, could I bring up real briefly an idea that you had had for the Comedy Central show?

I don't remember what I said, but sure. As you understood it, the original notion was that it would be newly written jokes about the topics of the week. That's right. And in fact, a lot of the jokes are not really that. Yes. They're jokes that comics have had that they kind of weave in maybe to the topics of the week. Sometimes, sometimes. But I'd say most of them are newly written.

Overwhelmingly, they're newly written. I didn't notice that. Is that the case? You don't know if the part where they bring up the current events, like at the tables here, you don't know if that's fashion for the jokes or the jokes are fashion for that. But, I mean, again, it's a stand-up clip show. It's not unique like the comedy celebrities.

That's my point. At least what I saw. What would you... I mean, when I had the idea for the show, I don't want to steer it away from what you... Did you finish your point? No, I just... Russ was... I know you had said to me that you would like it if every comic was required to come up with all new shit. Well, I think that

if they're going to do a ten-minute set, some of their act needs to be in there. But I think it should be a lot of newly written jokes for that night, given the topics that we have. Even if they bomb, you stay in the pocket, you do them, and there's editing later. That was the thing about the Stern show

roast that I loved. They were live on TV. You bombed, you bombed. Nobody got cut out of it, which was unique about that show. To me, to capture the table, you put hidden cameras there, and you see what you get. And then you show people, like, this is what you were saying?

Yeah. Do you want to be on television? I would love that. But again, that's me being self-destructive, because what smart person who has any sense of self-preservation wants to be offensive anymore? Nowadays, because you really do lose shit, they take shit from you. The pound of flesh has gotten more and more serious.

Like, Norm Macdonald was in the dressing room to do a fucking Tonight Show appearance. Isn't that crazy? And because he said he liked Louis in an interview, Jimmy Fallon came into the dressing room and said that women are crying who work for the show. If you go on, you go,

like he's John Wayne Gacy or something. Crying. You know. And Kevin Hart apologized anyway, and then, you know, and then quit the Oscars. I think that was him being a big man,

though, because it would have been all about him the whole week, you know. It's going to become two show business. Have you, by the way, a slightly related topic. Are you available to host the Osc you, by the way, a slightly related topic...

Are you available to host the Oscars, by the way? I'd love to. I'd fucking love to. Have you been following the story about that kid at Columbia University that went on that rant, and they filmed him? What?

His kid at Columbia was arguing about how white people invented everything. So they filmed him, and they put him on Twitter, and people are calling, basically, for his expulsion from Columbia Universe. He didn't say anything. What was he using, facts? In any case.

That's actually, I mean, you say that in jest. I'm not being racist at all. I'm just saying that. No, no, you say that in jest, but if he was laying down facts, how many of these amazing inventions did come from white guys? I would narrow it down to Jews, actually. I don't like white people taking credit.

Absolutely. It was basically us. I'm willing to go there. Was he naming? Well, what he said was, what he said was, he basically said, he was saying,

I love being white and I'm tired of white people being shit on, basically. It was filmed, it was put online and the internet did the rest and now people are calling for his head.

And a lot of people are defending him, by the way. I'm defending him. Okay. Again, it was put online, and the internet did the rest, and now people are calling for his head. And a lot of people are defending him, by the way. I'm defending him. Okay. Again, it's not a racist statement to say that. Well, no, it's not. It's not, I don't think. I think you're quite right about that.

What are you saying about the right being proud to be white? Look, I think it's an interesting question. Well, it's not a question. No one's searching deep within themselves to find a way to argue this. No, no, because I didn't see the video. I'm describing it accurately. I want to say the following, which is that when you talk about such things, given the pain of people's historical experiences and all those things,

if you choose not to speak about them with any kind of subtlety, with any kind of care, there is an impression that you just don't give a shit. And usually people who just don't give a shit might have some racial animosity. I mean, obviously, yeah. I didn't get that.

The history of the Western world is the history of the white world. And that's the last of the white world. And that's the last 200 or 300 years. And there could be different reasons. The spokesperson for InventHelp is George Foreman, a man who fell for rope-a-dope. Because this kid didn't acknowledge it in that one particular speech or rant does not mean that he is against them. By the way, he was just saying positive things about white people.

You can't even do that without being accused of being racist. I, by the way, went on Twitter and invited him to the show without Noam's authorization, but I figured you'd be okay with it. I'm not sure I'm okay with it because... He didn't respond to me, but do you know who did respond to me? Noam does catch the shit. He's the guy who catches it.

You know who did respond to me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He said it's okay? Yeah, sure. Okay, okay, okay. You know who did respond to me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He said it's okay? Yeah, sure. Okay, okay, okay. You know who did respond to me? Is Jew haters that said, you know, hey, Jew, he's not coming on your show. You're going to trap him.

So that was the response I got. Sounds like a Jew lover. In other words, maybe his defenders, his defenders are very, many of his defenders are very unsavory characters. Whatever you think of him. People start to get blamed for what their fans think. The Mets have this problem. If your fans are assholes, and then you start catering to stupid people. You can't make a joke because it might incense a guy to a hate crime.

Shouldn't we cater to people that will call this guy a racist? We shouldn't cater to them, but I just want to be very clear. Where I usually come from is, I don't like everybody clinging to their race and making points about their race and

whatever it is. So whenever I hear anybody defending white people as opposed to defending the notion it doesn't matter and whatever it is. So whenever I hear anybody defending white people as opposed to defending the notion it doesn't matter what color anybody is. I am not actually in that camp. Having said that, factually, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I didn't see the video, but I can totally understand that he might have said something

that's nothing factually incorrect. Nevertheless, the essence, the feel of it. You think he's trying to underline your message of like, you know. Yeah, I mean, but I don't know. He was also defending himself. He was attacked already. Well, he claims that they were saying that he is a Trump supporter. And so he was.

Strike one. It's like they don't. Now they're defining Asians as not being interesting enough to go to Harvard. You know, like that offends me. Right. He claims that he was defending himself against charges that he should shut up because he has white privilege and he shouldn't speak about certain.

Yeah. Well, that is infuriating. That is infuriating. Sure. Yeah. Which is, it's the flip side. It's like, like how many times I had to say to somebody, listen, just deal with my arguments. Just pretend you read it on a page and you didn't know who wrote it.

And then you got to deal with it. Anyway. We have Aruba Ray here. Ray Allen is. Hi, everybody. I don't know exactly what you wanted to talk about. Well. Nice to see you, Artie.

I have no problem with Ray either. I love Artie Lang. I overreacted and made a stupid decision, which is something that's par for my life. But I just, I got pissed off when I thought of someone judging my material based on it being offensive, who's like some young executive. I don't have Ray in mind. Well, I'm going to fault Ray.

Yeah, go ahead. Well, let me first tell Artie. Do you retry that? I love Artie Lang. Everybody knows I love Artie Lang. Artie Lang, I love Artie Lang. I didn't know, but I know it now. And that's how I had... You don't want new it now. And, uh... That's what I knew.

No one knew till now. I had never spoke to the press about you and didn't know... And I... And I didn't know what I knew. And your material has never offended me in my life. Ever. Ever, ever, ever.

Do you retract the word weasel in reference to Ray Allen? No, no, no, no! Did you hear my Ray Allen stuff? That's my favorite stuff. Are you prepared to say that Ray Allen is not a weasel? Yes, and I'm sorry for that. That's okay. I figured you're angry, and it happens.

And this maybe is defending Ray Allen. Thanks for figuring out how to delete it, by the way. I appreciate that. Are you saying that sarcastically? No, I think you did delete it, didn't you? Oh, someone else most of it, because I didn't figure out how to do it. It's still up there. I don't want to defend Ray.

Thanks, Russ. I don't want to defend Ray. What do you mean? I passed it on. I know you did delete it, didn't you? Oh, someone else most of them because I had to figure out how to do it. It's still up there. I don't want to defend Ray. Thanks, Russ. I don't want to defend Ray. What do you mean? I passed it on. I know you did. Hold on. Hold on. What I tend to forget is that I have any fame at all.

I honestly do. I mean, you know, because the loser in me is way more than the comedian in me. I'm way more known for fucking up now. This touches on what I wanted to say. What else do you want to talk about? One second. Because I have to leave.

Can I get a word out of you? Depends. Jesus Christ. Do you have an editing session to get to? I was hoping that Dan would be hosting this by himself.

Boy, there's tension here. I'm getting mad. The thing is that when you walked in, there was tremendous excitement about the fact that Artie Lang might do our show, and that was like a poo. Ray could have been nicer.

You were very nice. But again, it's like, and the Comedy Central executive, whoever was there, came up to me and said, it's a pleasure to have you on. It's like, don't bullshit me. I'm more mad at them. No, but they were not bullshitting you. They were legitimately excited to see you. There wasn't one person who was like, oh, Lang's here.

So what was wrong with the stuff? What was wrong with the material? Truthfully, nothing, really. So this is God's honest truth. We film 800 minutes a week of stand-up footage, and it has to be cut down. The stand-up part of the show is probably 15, 16 minutes, and there's a lot of people making decisions.

It's definitely not one person. But like, am I wrong in thinking that, and this is not saying a lot, that I was a bit of a coup that week to get on, because I just got out of rehab. I thought so. I didn't even know about getting out. I think Noam and I both did think that, yes.

When they came back, I don't want to air during a lunch, but I don't even go to the editing sessions anymore because I felt like I wasn't having... You found it frustrating. Well, I wasn't having an impact worth devoting all my time to it. And I feel that way sometimes as well. That's what makes me furious.

Well, hopefully that'll get changed. I mean, we've only been doing this a short while, and a lot of times things start out and they need to be fixed, you know. But I was very surprised when Liz came back and said that you weren't in the show. Now, at that point, I didn't know you had tweeted about it. Right. So I was like, all right. If I had known you tweeted about it, I'd have been like, no, he needs to be in the show.

And by the way, and also just so you know, you literally, one second someone's in, and then they're out, and then they're in, and then they're out. It goes back and forth and back and forth because it's like a puzzle trying to figure out the length of jokes and all that. But, you know, for 30 years, I've worked hard to get above that level. That's right. You're 100% right? And the other thing is I didn't know it was a clip show, which is probably on me. I should have done some research on the show. I literally walked in off the street.

They don't play it in the rehab. We could get it. That'll get everybody back on the stuff. So I told a story, which is stupid. That's never going to make it. So it's possible you didn't do anything they actually could use. I didn't see your set. Well, no, but there were also one-liners in there.

And you know me with the one-liners. You could fashion... No, no. Listen, there's a... I'm not articulating myself. I have no problem with Ray. Or you, Norm. I overreacted. I have a problem with these fucking people. You overreacted towards me already, but Ray...

I did. Norm loves to take shots. There's a tweet part of it, right? Where you show a tweet? Will the Ray Allen Weasel tweet make the next show? Ah. You know what, Russell?

You're a real piece of... I'm just curious. Somebody's got to ask the hard-hitting questions. What is it, Ray? Why are you pointing and trying to... I wish, you know...

I wish you could do it again. I feel like Joe Pesci in Raging Bull talking to Tommy Como about Frank Vincent. I just wish this never would have happened. All right. Where's he working tonight?

Why'd you beat up Ray at the Copa? I can't tell you how sick I was over it. When did it happen? This was the real shitstorm for several days. You don't know this. I wrote a letter to the... I'll tell you all of it, but I wrote a letter basically quitting the show over it.

Let me tell you something. The way you reacted was astonishingly touching. Touching. It's the right word. Absolutely. He was on the phone with me talking about it. I was on the phone with Russ. I called Noam.

Noam has always been extra nice. Then we three-way called Russ. I'm about to cry. I'm not even Artie. Then we three-way called Russ. I'm about to cry. I'm not even already. He did say that. He did. Russ said that, yeah. I didn't want a TV show so I could have falling outs with comedians.

I wanted to do that for comedians. Fallings out? Yeah, yeah. That can't be the right way to pluralize. I don't know. Fallings out? First of all, you know what? Falling out.

Falling in? Falling out. I think it's falling out. It's a grammar point. I think it's falling out. Here's another thing I feel bad about. It's seldom pluralized. Comedy is so crazy right now, and you're under particular stress, I understand.

A lot of reasons, yeah. So I hated that I added to that for two seconds for you. Can I tell you a story you'll like about the Louis Heckler thing? Did you guys see in the news that a Heckler was thrown out? No. So there's a Vice magazine that got picked up

a lot of things. It's true, a woman who heckled down here. A woman said to Louis, take out your dick whilst Louis was on stage. And then she tweeted that she was asked to leave.

Louis let a woman leave? Nice. And I tweeted, and I tweeted, I said, no one asked you to leave. So then a reporter started to pick up on the story. Oh, here? Yeah, here. Yeah. So the reporter, so she told the reporter, no, no, they no one asked you to leave. So then a reporter started to pick up on the story.

Oh, here? Yeah. So the reporter, so she told the reporter, no, no, they didn't ask me to leave. They implied that I should leave. They pointed to the door. So I was in touch with the reporter. I said, listen, this never happened. Vice.com.

I said, come down. We have the video from three different angles. And you can speak to everybody in the staff. And you can be sure, beyond any doubt, that nobody pointed to the door. And the reporter says, I don't want to see the video. Right, of course not. And he just writes the story.

This place is also a target. Well, in his fairness, he did say, but the Comedy Cellar staff says she was not asked to leave. That's not his fairness. Well, because he doesn't necessarily obligate it to do an investigative... Why not? What kind of reporter

wants to write a story? I'm with no one else. How many reporters ever get... They're writing a story about it. He said, hold on. How many reporters

like there's a contested fact and a reporter says, well, actually, here's the video. No, I didn't go into this business to actually settle the truth of the matter.

I just wanted a cover. Come on now, Dan. Sometimes you fucking piss me off. Hey, easy, easy. This is where the show's good. You're out of matter. I just wanted a cover. Come on now, Dan. Sometimes you fucking piss me off. Hey, easy. Easy. This is when the show's good. You're out of line.

I mean, really, this is contrariness. No, it's not. I agree with 95% of the shit you say. Oh, this is great. It should be 99. The reason I say that is because he offered your point of view. And that really wasn't. I didn't offer my point of view.

That's my point. I didn't offer my point of view. That's my point. I didn't offer my point of view. I said, here, you're... Yeah, but it's not the main point of the article anyway. That's why I say it wasn't that big a deal. Okay, let me give you an example. Let me give you an example. So Harvey Weinstein says that he didn't...

Whether you asked her to leave was not critical to the story. They're writing a story about Harvey Weinstein. There's an incident. He says that he didn't try to force her. Because that's the main point of the story. They're writing a story about Harvey Weinstein. There's an incident. He says that he didn't try to force her. Because that's the main point of the story.

She says he grabbed my tits in the restaurant. Then the restaurant owner says, actually, we have video of this incident. No, we don't want to see the video.

I already answered your question. It makes no sense. I already answered your question because that was the main element of the story. Whether you asked her

to leave is really the least important element of the story. What's important is that she heckled him. You know what? And that's what's important. Can you guys have a video of a white guy not inventing something?

But then two days later, Vice.com writes a review of Ted Alexandro's stand-up special. They rated it number five. Great comedian, by the way. Great comedian. And they wrote, the only nice thing you're ever going to see, the only time you're ever going to see the Comedy Cellar sign right now where owner Noam Dwarman can insist on protecting sexual abusers and throwing people out, is in Ted Alexandro's special.

So this is how it... So it was a positive review? Yeah. Talk about a backhanded compliment. All of a sudden, people are calling me out by name as a protector of sexual abuse. I was protecting Louie when it didn't happen. And you know what?

It needs to happen to you for you to understand. I think it is important, Dan, because the way the momentum is now with these crazy people, just that little tidbit in the article that you think is small, no one's going to be attacked over that. That they threw that lady out. It's like raw meat to them. And I think that Noam has a point. I got a stack of hate mail this week.

Like nastiest mail ever. And we did look at the footage and it didn't happen. That would be a nice thing for that reporter to do. He could have exposed this woman as a liar. Right. That's right. It's like a ref for the NFL not looking at the video. That's right.

It's not journalism. And with the momentum of these crazy people. I hear you. I hear you. And I'm starting to come around to your way of thinking. Okay. But a reporter is not necessarily

obligated to investigate every single element of his story thoroughly. I think they are. It's a bigger point than I think... Journalists? Of course they are.

No, they're not required to go... Okay, but you're... I think I'm going to bring you 100% to my point of view. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Do you... Don't you understand

that the reason that he didn't want to look that the reason that he didn't want to look at the video because he didn't want to have to lose this tidbit in his story. He wanted to be able to write about this

because it was titillating and he knew if he saw the video Motherfucker! If he saw the video he might not get all those clicks and he walked off

because the story was the story wasn't that Louis was heckled the story was heckler is thrown that Louie was heckled. The story was heckler is thrown out. But she wasn't thrown out. If she said it in a funny way, I think it's funny

if she yelled that out like joking around like a drunk girl. Hey, show me your dick. I mean, the headline is Louie, the headline is

girl gets out. When she says, Louie, show me your dick, you can see in the video the beginning of an erection. I personally don't see it as a huge deal. But if the general public is perceiving her getting thrown out as a huge deal,

as you are articulating to me that they do, then I suppose... And Louis was really nice to her, too. I suppose that you're right. And they didn't write about it. Louis was really nice to her. I honestly don't know how Louis is even doing sets of comedy, knowing his stand-up now.

It's brave of him to do it. But the shit he touches on really is, it had a lot to do with sexual things. How is he not dealing with that every night? It's crazy. He's certainly prepared for heckles like that, you would think. Oh, absolutely. Drunk guys or something. Didn't he write, I smell dick, did you burp?

He did write that. I'm sure he's ready for that in the back of his mind. Well, he was apparently, I don't know that he was ready given what happened. I thought you told me he didn't really hear it

or he didn't acknowledge it. I don't know if he heard it or not. Louie's attitude has been very smartly is that he's not going to like show a heckler, like humiliate a heckler. He just kind of says,

okay, I'm sorry, I'm just here to tell some jokes. Anything he does can be perceived as arrogant. He's at a level he can not attack the heckler, but make it funny. The last thing he wants to do is to draw out that conversation. To humiliate a heckler.

The whole world... What about a self-deprecating joke that's funny? That would have been okay. He understands this, I think, but my staff has trouble understanding. You lose yourself like 95 or 100 people in this tiny little room, and you think what's going on is just going on here. Right, right, right. But actually, the whole fucking planet Earth is watching.

Well, that's the good part about technology. In the old days, when we started out, it was just the 300 people at the Cincinnati Fuckbone. Not just planet Earth. Now it's because of smartphones. The whole world is in a room. That's right. Not just planet Earth, but the extraterrestrials. That's a reference to our previous broadcast.

That's right. Yeah, go ahead. They are watching. So, like, even we had a policy that I had told my staff that if there's a heckler, if there's a problem, that only a female employee is supposed to go over he is a weasel, only a female employee is supposed to go over and talk to any female

heckler or whatever. Oh really? That was my policy. Nevertheless, it was a male employee who went over and asked her to, because we couldn't continue the show and we got away with that.

Yeah. But even that was, and he was nice as can be. But he kind of lost himself. Like, I told him that the world is watching. He's like, I can go talk to a heckler. So he didn't say zip it, cunt? No, he didn't say that. No, he said, listen, I'm sorry.

You know, I understand how you feel, but we can't continue the show. But that really is a policy that only a female, I mean, that's even like going above and beyond being nice, I think. but we can't continue the show. But that really is a policy that only a female... I mean, that's even like going above and beyond being nice, I think. Well, look, Noam's policy about if you don't like an uninvited or unannounced comic, you can leave without paying is also going above and beyond.

Absolutely. And even that's not enough for people. No, it's not. They insist that Louis shouldn't work here at all. Swim at your own risk. Swim at your own risk. Who came up with that? Did Flash come up with that, or you? I think the lifeguard at own risk. Who came up with that? Did Flash come up with that?

I think the lifeguard at Camp JC came up with that. Did your son come up with that? Why are you lashing out at me? The moment I said that, you called me a weasel. Peter Benchley came up with that. I didn't call you a weasel. I just reported it. I tweeted you're a weasel.

And then Roger started to punch me in the thick. I tweeted you're a weasel. I tweeted it. I need pinpoint accuracy for that. Can I... Jesus Christ, weasels who live in glass halls shouldn't throw stones. I will say 4,200 people reach me.

I got to jump. Once again, Artie, I love you, everybody. You know what's amazing about Artie Lang? Is that before I even met him in person, I always heard great things about him. You always hear somebody, oh, he's a dick, she's a dick. Everyone's always said great things about you before I ever met you. And that's it. We never had one bad word together.

Never, ever, ever. In 10 years. By the way, the first time I was ever in Page Six was because of Artie 10 years ago. I'm just glad the reputation of Artie is reaching the weasel community down there. Where they reside. How did I get you in Page Six?

You were a guest on my talk show Late Net and you told a story about getting either syphilis or gonorrhea from a hooker. And they ran that in the... That's the Artie we know. They ran the story and then it said, I'm Ray Allen's late now, whatever.

I'd say that page six, they're really scraping. Well, listen, they like anything... If you scraped up against the Howard Stern show, that really does... And you're not Howard

going to bed at night having a cashew at 8 o'clock and going to sleep if you're a junkie comic on the road. What happened with Nimesh? I think that's all that's blowing over. So there was a story where Nimesh Patel, this is all over the news, where he was in the middle of a bit. I talked to Nimesh.

And they cut his mic at Columbia because they didn't like. You said white guys invented stuff? It was a joke that he told. And the point of the joke was very woke. Well, that's it. Nobody hears context anymore. You got Heidi Klum fucking critiquing Dan Adler about comedy while the rebel Howard Stern sits there.

I have a great topic to bring up now that we're in this to segue into. The apologies. The apologies are like we got to— This is so great, Ray's going to cut it out. I wish they were leaving ready so we could talk about it but go ahead

the comedians apologize let's say Nimesh I don't think he did did he apologize okay but I'm just saying there's comics that have done equal things

and then before you know it the pressure becomes so enormous that they start apologizing the apology's not sincere at all and they shouldn't be doing it at all

and you know again it's not even like right or wrong anymore. I feel like it's just these forces now. And the PC momentum's gotten so massive with no pushback from us. Oh, absolutely. I thought that Kevin Hart's apology actually was sincere. I think all sincere apologies should be stated.

But insincere apologies obviously are another story. Well, you can't always tell what's in someone's heart, Dan. You certainly can't. No, you can't. Here's the thing you have to know about. It's in your heart. Well, I think Kevin Hart worded it right, like a publicist. He probably really was sorry.

I don't think he was. It's not. Because that's something that's a religious thing. NFL players have a problem with gay people because they're not enlightened to what they think. It's a sickness, you know. And in the Italian community, like where I go, and a lot of inner cities, that's how you're taught. And the Kevin Hart thing started with something that happened with me too,

similar on a much lower level. I wouldn't kiss Will Ferrell in a movie. I wouldn't kiss him on the lips. And the director at the time accused me of being homophobic. I'm like, well, no, I just don't want to, you know, I'm not going to kiss a guy on the lips. Kevin Hart had a similar thing. A much bigger star.

That's how it all started with him. Then he asked his opinion on stuff. And, you know, you can go down a road. And then the apology thing, you dig a bigger hole a lot of the times. Because, you know, you explain how you think. Yes. Well, I mean, I don't want to get in trouble. I mean, I survived already. I don't know if I could survive Kevin Hart. Yes. Well, I mean, I don't want to get in trouble. I mean,

I survived Hardy. I don't know if I could survive Kevin Hart, but I want to say this, that most, 99 out of 100 of these incidents have really been jokes, like James Gunn

and the pedophilia, that were really jokes that any decent person knew were jokes. It was all bullshit outrage. Yeah. Right. Kevin tweeted something

which did sound harsh about homosexuality. A few things. It was akin to what Tracy... Yeah, it was akin to what Kevin did, but without the laugh. And I think he was like,

oh, shit, I shouldn't... I'm sorry I wrote that. He should have written LOL. He should have written LOL. And I... So I think that... But, you know, that's fine.

Who hasn't said something that they... Or all these people that are accusing him of whatever, they've all laughed at off-color jokes. All of them. Let me put it another way.

If everybody hadn't been fucking apologizing for everything they should have apologized for for the last five years... That's the problem. That's what Russ is saying. I think in this circumstance, Kevin Hart's apology would be like, oh, that was nice that he apologized.

This seemed like a nice time to apologize. But in the context of all the fucking folding apologies... On the Stern show, I said something unfortunate about gay people a couple of times, and Howard made me apologize, and I couldn't get through it without laughing. But he knew

that was going to happen, because you're not being sincere. If it's not coming from the heart... Like, I don't hate anybody, but I hate apologizing for jokes. Right. You know, I'm a comedian. By the way, I need some advice. This is sort of unrelated. Do you mind if I...

Artie didn't apologize for a factually correct joke. Raise a weasel. Wow, again, I'm getting fucking sandbagged. And nor should he. By a good-looking guy with a tiny penis. That was not a joke. That was more of a statement. You all are familiar with my Prevacid joke.

Ask your doctor about Prevacid. Am I? I've heard it millions of times. And then I said, what should your doctor know about Prevacid? Do you walk into your doctor's office and he says, there's nothing we can do for you? And I say, what about Prevacid? He says, oh, you're right. Do we have time for you to put the crowbar down?

We, uh, we, uh. No, have time for you to put the crowbar down? I'm building up to something interesting. I think you'll find it interesting. Thank God someone is. When I wrote the joke, I thought it was fairly obvious, and I was shocked nobody else had come up with the premise. So Netflix on my Instagram feed. That's what I feel about most of your jokes.

Go ahead. Netflix on my Instagram feed is advertising Ellen DeGeneres' special. And the first joke is, ask your doctor if trulicity is right for you. It's like, why is that my job? Ellen, you seem pretty sick. Got your eye on any good medication. Now, I don't think that she stole it. I think, but it's possible that she has a writer that might have stolen it. Absolutely.

A team of writers. It's a possibility. I'm not saying it's possible that she has a writer that might have stolen it. Absolutely. Absolutely. The team of writers. It's a possibility. I'm not saying it's for sure. Guess what? You just got yourself on the Ellen DeGeneres show. Her head writer is Fat Jew. Or never on it. Given that I've told that joke on America's Got Talent, Letterman, Last Comic Standing, and my own Comedy Central special.

Now we know why I brought it up. So I think, no, the question is... No, what happened to you on America's Got Talent is a microcosm. Forget America's Got Talent. Well, you brought it up.

I brought up Ellen DeGeneres. Let's get through this. And my question is, what, if anything, do I do? I think it's an interesting question. I think you publicly accuse her. I'll tweet it out. I'll call her a weasel.

That'd be awesome. But honestly, I think you publicly... What do you have to lose? I tweet, I'll tweet it out. I'll call her a weasel. That'd be awesome. I think you publicly... What do you have to lose? I'll tell you what I did. I tweeted at her. Just so you know, I have a similar joke. Don't think you took it, but just a heads up. You should have said what year you first did it. And it's been on TV all these years.

No, no, no. You should say, I think you took it. Yeah, you got to start an argument. What are you going to lose lose a spot on our show? Well, no, but I don't think. I'm like, you're out of town. Here's the problem with our profession. I don't think, I don't like to accuse people that if I don't know for sure what happened. Because I've been accused of stealing shit that I certainly did not steal.

That's almost verbatim. Why say you or your writing staff? But I think she should be alerted to it. Because if she has writers, wouldn't she want to know that a writer. Absolutely. A writer's not going to come to it. So that's has writers, wouldn't she want to know that a writer... Absolutely. What, a writer's not going to cop to it? So that's the problem with our profession, is that they'll be like, well, I thought of it too. It could be that they do.

She was a respected comic, though, right? But no writer's going to cop to stealing that, right? But I think the larger point is this. It's a worse version of my joke. Absolutely. Because she's saying it. Well, it's just not as punchy or well-written. She sucks.

She sucks. The point is, is these 80s comics, and I've said it before, Ellen DeGeneres is a wonderful woman, what she's done for the LGBT community is incredible. But these 80s comics suck. Absolutely. And they got famous because nobody else was doing it. She was in a movie called Mr. Wrong,

where she couldn't find the right guy. No, but Ellen, I mean, Ellen DeGeneres is actually very winning I think on her TV show. She's got a nice way about it.

Really? Do you watch it every day now? Oh my God, the brochure is thick. No, no, no, but this is the thing,

no, I really mean it. You guys as comedians, you look at her as a comedian and judge her in that way. I look at her as a comedian and judge her in that way. I look at her as another comic that gets more pussy than me. But most of America might not even be aware she was a stand-up comic.

They're just looking at her as a pleasant talk show host. And I think she is that. But she's considered a genius, though. Oh, well, that's ridiculous. By the powers that be. By the people that cut me out of shows. Geniuses. So why don't you write something?

Maybe she'll have you on her show just to hash it out. At this point, you need publicity. It's time for Hail Mary. Go at it. My Hail Mary was going to be taking a shit on the Letterman show. Go right ahead. But he's not on the air anymore. You mean she was going to do, my Hail Mary was going to be taking a shit on the Letterman show. Go right ahead. But he's not on the air anymore. You mean, she's going to be shitting.

Speaking of that. That was my Hail Mary, but I never had the balls to do it. Artie, did you see. He meant literally, by the way, Artie. Did you see the Hannah Gadsby show? The Hannah Gadsby, the Nanette thing? Oh, no, no, no. Oh, you haven't seen it.

All right. Did you see it, Russ? No. I saw it. The Great Gadsby? This is the Great Gadsby. So long, Ray. Is that a comedian? How does I saw it. The Great Gatsby? This is the Great Gatsby. So long, Ray. Is that a comedian?

How does a weasel... What's the sound? My kid is learning animal noises. Come on. Leave Ray alone. I'm sorry for getting you on page six for a second time in a decade. Leave Ray alone. I didn't hear...

What was the last thing Noam said, Dan? My kid is learning animal sounds. I'm sad Ray's leaving, he said. No, no. Tell me what he said, Dan. I'll tell you what I said. He said, what sound does a weasel make? My kid is learning animals

Maybe you should stop calling me uncle ray. How about that weasel ray robinson? Yeah? Publicly state for the record that ray works very hard on the Comedy Central show? Yes, and I apologize. It wasn't your fault. I can't do it. I can't say it. I can't do it. Commiserating, I can't do it. Well, I see him up every Thursday until 5 in the morning editing.

I will say the following. I didn't want Ray as an executive producer on the show. Okay? At first. We talked about this on the show. We had a fight about it. I did not want him as an executive producer on the show. Okay. At first. We talked about this. We talked about this on the show. We had a fight about it. I did not want him as an executive. Who was your first pick?

I didn't want anybody. You wanted to do it. I was doing it. I didn't see what Ray's... But you are right. Ray works very, very hard on this show. Okay. I mean, to be able to do all the work that he does on this show

and still have time to be calling all those page six and president people. Yeah, really. I don't know where he finds the time. I took the hook on that, too. I was like, wow, Noam's really being nice to me. And boom. He always does that. He really, truly does work very, very hard on the show.

Absolutely. He's like a Bigfoot sighting. By the way, though, to be fair, there's other people with a title executive producer. Absolutely. There's several of us. Weasels are the hardest working animal in the animal kingdom. You didn't know that? And I wanted Artie in the show.

I know that. Isn't that an expression in Yiddish? It works hard as a weasel. No, it's not. There's no hard work. I'm afraid that people might think I was being anti-Semitic with the weasel thing. Of course not. No, I didn't even think that.

I didn't. That other tweet when you called me a dirty Jew, that was a little anti-Semitic with the weasel thing. Of course not. No, I didn't even think that. I did not. That other tweet when you called me a dirty Jew, that was a little anti-Semitic. Ray's taking a beating this week. He is taking a beating. Jerry Suckheimer over here. Ray, you're going to be alright. Don't worry about it.

So I will just, and then we'll finish. So my idea for the show originally was just that I would be on Netflix and people that I know would have hour specials. Yeah. And I realized I couldn't watch more than five minutes of them. Yeah. I said, what would I watch? I said, you know what I would watch?

I would watch all the offbeat kind of topical, spontaneous things that happen in the cellar every week. So my idea was originally to have cameras in every single room, every single show, and just put together a magical kind of week of what was going on. Well, you know, if I can get out my crowbar on this season of Crashing, they are,

later, Greg, it's all about the cellar and the respect the cellar gets. It's a major theme. That's nice. So now, if it, yeah, sorry, I know.

Go ahead. If it gets picked up for another season, what changes would you like to see made made this week at the Comedy Cellar? Well, I think it's actually been getting better week over week. And I think the pacing some of the early shows was a little too frantic. I'd like to see it just relax, let somebody have a little bit longer. I think that sometimes it's difficult to not understand that just because there's not a big laugh doesn't mean it's not interesting to watch. Yeah, that's my point.

People are not necessarily getting impatient. Some things are just very compelling to watch and are interesting. Yeah, the hook of the show is because a lot of people get their news from these comedy shows, right? And that's what they want. So you turn it on and you're getting news. The news of that week, boom, a new joke, new joke, new joke. I think that's pretty cool. And if it's strange from that.

I mean, if you're fresh around a comic, you should have the chops to be able to do that. New joke. New joke. And if you can't do it, some people are really good at it. And mostly, it's mostly the table things that are already identified. I don't think the table sections need to be funny. I actually think they can be. No, they should be interesting.

Absolutely. That's a fucking loser. And it's kind of like this thing to try to get off the table think they should be interesting. Absolutely. Absolutely. And this kind of like this thing to like try to get off the table on a joke every week. Right. I would like to at least not do that

all the time. Right. It's like Ellen's great trulocity joke. You have to go at her. You have to go at her with guns a blazing. You're just saying

just for publicity's sake. Yeah, absolutely. Well, also because, you know, there's a good chance that, I mean, no one, there's a good chance that, I mean, no one, that premise is not

so common seeming to me. When I wrote the joke, I thought somebody else must have thought of something similar, but in the 15 years as an old fucking joke, nobody has done that premise

until now. Right. She also stole my cheers if it were a gay bar called Queer. She stole that. That's a very smart joke. We're out of time. Why don't you cut me out?

You'll have a lot more time. Now, this was a show. Absolutely. This is an episode you can be proud of, Noam. God bless you. You have on these... How about UFOs? Unidentified funny objects.

And Dan Grew from the WCK topic. You have on, you know, a lot of these people that wrote articles for HuffPo that really are saying nothing we couldn't have said ourselves. And you know what?

Let's cut Ray Adams. But this is an episode. I want you to listen to it when you get home. And I want you to use it as a basis for future episodes. This is the first episode I've liked that Paul Mercurio

is not in. I've got to tell Artie something, though. You said all those nice things about me. Of course. But you really undercut them all when you said nice things about Ray. No. No, no, no, no. Solid point.

If you go back, if there's a sincere meter, when I was talking to you, it was hitting red. Okay, okay. With Ray, I was looking down. Yeah, I was like, okay. A lot of body language. Like if he had actually, anyway.

You and Ray are going to have to figure your shit out, but. Oh, Ray. Okay, good. Well, yeah, that's real attention.

I could see. Oh, yeah. Whatever. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. Love you guys. Thank you, Artie.