The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Bonus Episode 3: Kentucky Fried Chicken

Episode Date: April 8, 2023

Noam Dworman, Dan Naturman and Periel Aschenbrand are joined by Myq Kaplan. They discuss unrealistic hypotheticals, mental illness and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Good for me. That'd be super. Okay, so just let me know, Nicole, when you're ready. You're good. This is Table Talk. The bonus episode for Live from the Table, a Comedy Cellar-affiliated podcast. Coming at you on the Lap Button Podcast Network. And this is a special bonus episode because normally it's me and Perrielle. Today we have Gnomes aside to stick around for a little bit.

And we have our friend Mike Kaplan. And Mike was joining us for our main show. Hello. And Mike Kaplan is a comedian. He's a vegan. And he is a... Feminist. A manly, manly man.

He's a seeker. He is a seeker of wisdom. I do my best. And Gnome was trying to pin him down on the main show as to whether he would, if his baby needed meat to survive, whether he would give that baby meat. I'm very wiry. You cannot pin me. And he was unpinnable. I don't recall you being pinned. Were you pinned?

I don't think I was pinned. I think I solved the problem by not having kids and supporting lab-grown meat. Well, he also called Gnome a monster for saying that... Gnome called me a monster first, yeah. He didn't call me a monster. He did. He said, why are you creating this dying child? This hypothetical dying child.

Right. Gnome said, what kind of monster are you, Mike? And I returned the favor. Mike apparently has issues with hypotheticals that he doesn't think are realistic hypotheticals. I mean, I would say— Whereas I like to dive into the meat of the philosophy. Meat, if you will. Excuse that.

Whoa, the coconut meat. Of the philosophy and the philosophical arguments. And a lot of good stuff can come out of that when we do hypotheticals. I agree with you. And I think that my answer, like truly, sometimes the answer is I don't know or I need to do more research or I'll happily consider it and get back to you. But I feel like sometimes just extemporaneously coming up with whatever in the moment I think is the answer. But it's unimaginable you would let your child die. Yeah, I'll say that I would do everything that I could within my power and my, you know,

my moral, ethical, compassionate framework. What are you, like, a Christian scientist now? No, I'm a Jewish scientist. I don't think the bonus episode should be a retread of what we've already talked about. Well, no, it shouldn't, and that's... No, you're never here for the bonus episode. I was hoping to save the vegan part for the bonus episode, but we didn't have enough meat left, if you will, in the main episode. Wait, so what did you—

Did you see— But Noam has something he'd like to bring up. I don't have all the data, but we should get a guess on it. We don't need it. There's a much higher rate of mental illness among liberals than conservatives, and more than 50% of liberal women have said that they have been diagnosed with a mental condition. Well, and also that could be that liberals are more open to seeking treatment for mental illness. Well, there's a whole long article about it I just read today. Wearing some conservative-

No, no, no, no. Bullshit. No, there's a lot of study. And I just read today. Where? Some conservative-minded bullshit? No, no, no. There's a lot of studies. And it doesn't look like that's the reason. What does that mean there's a lot of studies? In where? We'll talk about it another time.

Why? Because I don't have everything at my fingertips like I'd like to, but you should Google it. I was wondering if Mike has any thoughts on that. If it were to be true, would you speculate as to the reason? I would happily, number one, I'd love to read the article. It could be IQ related. If high IQ is related to mental illness and if liberals have higher IQs, that's one possibility.

Also mental illness. I don't know if either of those things are true, but that's a hypothesis. Mental illness itself is, of course, not a monolith. So like mental illness could mean schizophrenia. It could mean anxiety. It could mean clinical depression. And so I think that if it's, let's say it's clinical depression heavy, then I could understand why, depending when the survey is done, like I would, I'd be very curious to see like what the data is before. We also know that mental issues in general seem to be

increasing throughout society. Something's going wrong. I mean, also mental, I think the point that mental health awareness is growing so that there are more people who are comfortable seeking help, which means, you know, like 100 years ago, how many autism cases were there compared to now that we know what autism is and we know how to detect it. And like similar for any mental health challenge, you know, like 50 years ago, 70 years ago, like homosexuality was seen as a mental illness in the DSM. And that is not what we think anymore. So I feel like we're constantly progressing. But I genuinely. Forrest still is, right? They also used to strap women down while they were giving birth.

So, you know, we can't really use any of that. I don't know. I mean, like a hysterectomy comes from the same root as hysterical. Hysterical, right. I do think that there's probably always a lag in the science catching up, the science and society catching up to what mainstream

America or... Does what you read address my point, which is that there's an IQ... I think it rejects that. It rejects that as well. Does it offer any... I'll send you the article. I'll send you the article.

We should try to get the writer. Oh, yeah, that would be great. I asked Coleman. Coleman said the writer is very thorough and very respected. Or we could just get Coleman. No, no, Coleman doesn't know that. But is it this writer wrote...

He wrote an article where he aggregated information, or she? Or has a particular expertise in this area? Particular? Well, I'm not sure. Because in other words, sometimes the journalist will just aggregate. A particular expertise in the area of science, writing an article about science. Aggregates what they read.

I don't know. And I prefer to go to the source of somebody who's. I'm very wary of this. But we just need one liberal scientist and one conservative scientist. And the liberal one will be a mad scientist. and the conservative one will be a glam scientist. And then isn't it this thing that, like, oh, I don't believe in therapy? I don't believe in therapy. Initial point was that—

I wasn't actually making puns. Is there more about that? Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. I wasn't saying that about you. I was just saying, like, do liberals seek therapy? They should. I brought the point up. That was the first point I brought up. Oh, right. So you believe that from what he read, that's not the reason. Noam believes in therapy for others.

No, Noam doesn't believe that therapy works. He doesn't believe therapy works. Oh, but that's scientifically false. Cognitive behavioral therapy works. Absolutely. That's a type of therapy. No, he's saying talk therapy. No, that's not what he said.

What he has said is that he doesn't think that therapy doesn't work, that he doesn't think that therapists necessarily have any discernible skill, which is to say that if I walked into an office and Noam was my therapist, I wouldn't know that he actually wasn't a therapist. As you'd feel better. I would love to see the experiment where Noam and real therapists offer people therapy to find out what the results are.

How do you feel about that? Ethically, you couldn't do an experiment like that. How does that make you feel? It feels good imagining your... I'm convinced I'm right. By the way, this came out recently. You're saying it's all placebo. No, there was just something published about this.

That's not what you, he's not saying it's placebo. He's saying that anybody could pretend to be a therapist. He's saying, but if you feel better, it's because it's placebo. The therapist is not- No, not placebo. Because it's valuable to care. Or it's just, it's always valuable to talk about your feelings. It feels good to talk about yourself.

As we all know, as anybody who's gone to therapy knows, six different therapists tell you six different things, and they all make you feel better. So this is what I would like to say, is that I've been to therapy, and I've tried to talk to you about how I feel. Get your money back for real. And I definitely don't feel better after I try to talk to you. Well, I want to offer this.

In my time at Brandeis, I studied psychology as a major, and we took a class called Schools of Psychotherapy. And they did, at the time, some of the research showed that regardless of the type of therapy, be it CBT or talk therapy or other types, it all had a pretty similar success rate and failure rate. And this doesn't necessarily address what you're saying, but I think that, Noam, the thing that therapists do have that not everyone does is, like, I went to a performance art therapist once, like, as a fun thing, like, not to get actual therapy,

but, like, I was curious. I didn't have great insurance at the time. I was like, maybe this will be fun. It was a person I knew. And when I was in that fake therapy session, great insurance at the time. I was like, maybe this will be fun. It was a person I knew. And when I was in that fake therapy session, some of it made me feel good. But she also talked about her own life and her own things much more than any actual therapist that I've ever had. them better to talk to and better listeners than just a person who didn't get a degree in therapy is that, that they do actually become better listeners and they do know what questions to ask.

And especially if you just let someone talk, then yes, they might feel better about talking. But most people, like, I don't know if you've ever tried talking to yourself, Noam, like you don't always let people talk, even if you were trying to be a therapist. I don't know that you would be able to. No, you do believe, however, in psychiatric medication. Yes. I'm trying to find the article. There was something about chat GPT.

It was the only profession it was good at. I don't know. Have you ever been to therapy? He's been to couples therapy. I have been. I've been to couples therapy. Did it help? As a child, I went to a therapist for a few weeks.

I was in first or second grade, third grade, I don't know. My parents divorced, and for whatever reason, they thought maybe they should take me to a therapist. I guess I was in first grade. Because they were divorcing, so they thought. The therapist puts out a piece of paper and says draw me a picture

and I'm like what do you want me to draw and she says whatever you want I'm like oh no wow it was in there

that early what do you think I am stupid I wouldn't I knew they're so stupid I knew I knew

even at that young age what exactly were they expecting? They're going to try to see what I did. I draw my mother with a noose around her neck. Look at how much information they got from you refusing to do it. She's like, okay, that's okay. You don't have to do that if you don't want to do. So we play Chinese checkers.

So next weekend, and after like three or four weeks, they're like, listen, he won't talk about it. He won't do it. So they just stopped sending me. If I may. Sorry. And then how is therapy as an adult? Couples therapy.

Did that help? Couples therapy is a farce. That's ridiculous. It is not a farce. Take it easy. Maybe you guys should go to couples therapy. Also, do you know Shane Moss, the comedian? No.

Yeah, I've heard the name. Fantastic. We started out around the same time. M-A-U-S-S? M-A-U-S-S? M-A-U-S-S. O-L-A-M-O-U-S. M-A-U-S-S. Shane is doing a show starting in Vegas pretty soon

all about his experience with psychedelics and how at one point he has bipolar and ended up in a psych ward a couple times. And he was telling me one of the stories that he's going to tell is that being in a psych ward while, you know, sort of manic or hypomanic or under the influences of his bipolar condition, he was like looking around and trying to figure out patterns and seeing it all as like a game and trying to be like, how do I get out of here? And he realized eventually, like once he sort of came

back to himself and used scientific sort of, you know, information that he had learned because he has a science podcast and he loves science and learning about the brain. And he saw other people and he's like, oh, those people are actually kind of biased in ways in the way that they're behaving. Maybe I'm kind of, you know, screwed up in that way as well. And he ultimately came to the idea like, oh, yeah, they'll let you out of the insane asylum. They'll let you out of the psych ward when you stop trying to get out of the psych ward. So I feel like if you had drawn a picture

on the first day, they would have been like, oh, what a nice little picture. Yeah, this kid's fine. But the fact that they were trying to just, they were trying to get, they weren't trying to get you. They were trying to get you help.

But you wouldn't let them. Anyway, Noam, Noam is a child of divorced parents that seems almost to have preferred it, I think. No, I preferred it. I don't know. That's all you knew. I didn't live the counterfactual. But when your parents divorced, you were older. You were how old?

Five. So how did you process that? Did it bother you? Or do you not recall? Of course it bothered me. Okay. If you prick me, do I not bleed? I think the thing about Noam that's sort of unique is that unlike many people,

he will just really tell you exactly how he feels and that also oh no i don't tell you that oh my god oh contrary you know my parents divorced when i was about 13 14 and like i had up until that point i was like we're happy the family's happy everything's great like i don't know you know they don't tell me whatever the challenges are and then when they told me they were growing apart and splitting they were like it's not your fault and I'm like well I didn't think it was so why are you telling me that yeah I remember that it's not your fault it's not your fault wait is it I'm three I'm five what are you talking about I hadn't thought of that but now you mentioned it the parents don't protest too much but uh I truly when I was like

oh they want to get they want to get divorced if your parents want to protest too much, but I truly, when I was like, oh, they want to get divorced. If your parents want to get divorced, good. Like, that means that they should get divorced almost certainly because it is much better for a child to have, like, two happier parents separate than a stressful situation together. We don't know that. We don't know that. That's the parents in troubled marriages swallow very easily because it gives them license to get divorced rather than having to try to stay together for the kids. I'm not saying you should stay together for the kids, but I would say that it would be very hard to drag me out of my marriage even if marriage is going badly. That doesn't mean it's better for the kids to grow up in a household. No, what I'm saying is my gut tells me.

It would be better. Well, it's not better for the kids to see domestic abuse. Yeah, so there's a level at which it would be better to separate. Well, but related to that is the parents' own inability to control themselves in front of their kids. It would be great if everyone was perfect, but in the real world. By the way, since this is technically the bonus episode, and I am technically in charge of the bonus episode, I would like to switch topics a little bit related to veganism, but nothing that we discussed on the actual show, and ask a little bit about your pre-vegan existence.

First of all, do you have any recollection, we're talking about childhood, of when you realized, because that's a big moment in a child's life when they're told, by the way, this chicken, the reason we call this chicken is because it's a chicken. It's not just a homonym. It's an actual animal. I have a friend who asks people if they eat chickens,

and I feel like that framing really does drive home the point that you're making. So as a kid, at some point, you don't know at first. You're eating this delicious food, and you have no idea that it's an animal. Yeah, I don't remember the exact point or the age. I know that by high school. High school was the first time that I remember thinking, like, I'd rather not kill animals. I knew that at that point I was eating animals that had been killed and I didn't want that to be so, but I also didn't have, didn't feel like I had the power or authority in my house to make the food, cook the food, get

the food. So it wasn't until college that I did stop eating them. But yeah, it was... Prior to high school, do you recall how you felt about eating meat or you didn't think about it at all? I really didn't think about it. I mean, like we really disguise it, you know, like a hot dog doesn't look like. Intentionally. So I became a full blown vegetarian from age 12 to 18. I wouldn't even eat fish. And I do remember the first time I met a pig and that was.

And that was the. That was it. And then you started a podcast with him. Right. I went to a petting farm or something with like my class and exactly that experience the pig was so friendly and nice and i became like a pretty big animal rights activist and you know used to go around in like duane reeds and put like pita stickers on like stuff that was tested on animals so yeah i think that it's intentionally divided, right? Like meat doesn't look like meat in the supermarket.

In a box. Right. Or in plastic. Well, but sometimes you go to like a steakhouse and there'll be like a cow on the wall. Right, sure. And they'll have like, and the cow will be divided. And I always thought that was kind of odd. Or they'll be like, you know, like Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Does their logo have a chicken? Well, it's actually not even allowed to be called Kentucky Fried Chicken. They don't call it that anymore. It's called KFC because they're not even using real chickens. They're using, like, genetically. They're using real chickens. No, they're not. Oh, my God.

Did you get that from a meme? I got that from the same place you got your liberal mental illness. It's real chickens. What are you talking about? It's not real chickens. They had to stop using Kentucky Fried Chicken and called KFC because they were using, like, genetically modified chicken. Mommy, daddy, please.

Genetically modified chicken is still a chicken. Look it up. I'm sure it's the call. Look it up. This is ridiculous. Go to the dark web or whatever. But but as I was saying, in steakhouses, I mean, oftentimes they don't they don't try to disguise it.

But that's a big cow on the wall. And I say, you know, here's the rump roast. And here's the filet mignon is over here. And this is over here. And so on and so forth. I'm talking about like factory farming and supermarkets. And also chicken of the sea. You know, remember chicken of the sea?

The tuna. The tuna. Nicole. Nicole. One of those popular theories. My eyesight is not great. One of those popular theories that I'm at my eyesight is not great. One of those popular. False is.

So the official reason is the KFC team wanted to shorten their name. And they wanted to shy away from Fry. How can you possibly believe something that's so self-evidently not true? This is why I question democracy. I know that it doesn't have to be white landowners, but there's got to be some way that people like that votes are not... What is gained in self-government

by having somebody who can't discern something so obvious, like they should vote on nuclear policy? Wait, Nicole, put that back. Rumors that the brand was reportedly using quote-unquote mutant, chemically engineered burn sparked this wacky idea.

Well, this is Reader's Digest, so how much can we... I mean, it's unbelievable to me. I'm not even kidding now. And these are the people who are like, oh, these fucking Southerners. This is so these are the people who like, oh, these fucking southerners like like this is so idiotic. So I cannot believe you took you take that. Like, I know that's not true on a public broad.

I'll say that's bullshit. I don't need to look it up. I'm not even interested. It's obviously not true. It doesn't seem that far fetched to me. Of course it doesn't. Now, in answer to your question, why let people like Perrielle vote, I think the answer is it would be just too difficult to decide who gets. It's the same argument.

Someday we might be able to tell. It's the same argument we make about free speech on Twitter. Who gets to decide who says what? So in the same vein, we say, if we wanted to limit voting to those who were wise... Are you saying we could not construct a test, an exam to give to people that could weed out people who don't know a fucking thing?

Are you calling me stupid? It's worse than stupid. But Perrielle might have other things to offer as a voter than just her knowledge of chicken. It's not her knowledge of chicken. It's her inability to tell fact from fiction. But Perrielle might have other things to offer as a voter than just her knowledge of chicken. It's not her knowledge of chicken. It's her inability to tell fact from fiction. But there are people that can tell fact from fiction but might have wacky ideas in other areas. You'd never be able to develop a good test of who are the wise elders of society.

Let's try. If I may also, I have an idea. Thank you, Dan. I have a vegan chicken product that I call Kentucky Fried Fiction, so it fits in pretty well. That's it for me, everyone. I do have to run to my show. Thank you so much for having me.

Thank you, Noah, for having me. Thank you, Mike. Thank you, Dan. I love you all in every way. All right, go ahead. Mike seems like such a happy person. I envy him. Mike's walking out.

Well, you don't know what sort of dark goes through him. I don't know, but I just— Wait, wait, wait, Mike. You don't know what sort of dark. I don't know. But I just wait, wait, wait, Mike, you forgot your purse. He just seems like such a well-balanced. I thought that was funny. He seems like such a well balanced.

He's a terrific guest. You should know better than that, though. Well, look, I know what. Yeah, but it's I mean, he's not going to come on and talk about all of his depressive tendencies and anxieties. I mean, unless you ask him, he might tell you. I'm just saying I get a vibe.

I could be wrong. Just like Noam gets a vibe that President Carter never cheated on his wife, but he might be wrong. You get a vibe about what? That Mike is a happy person. Oh, I thought you said that. What did you think?

He's looking at his phone. That's the vibe I get. And just as Noam thinks, if he had to bet on President Carter not cheating on his wife, he would take the bet, but he wouldn't be confident. And I would take the bet that Mike is a happy person, but I wouldn't do it with 100% confidence.

That's all I'm saying. I just think everybody is riddled with different kinds of... But to different levels. There's definitely happy people. I asked my friend, I won't mention his name, last night, I said, if I could guarantee you 30 more years of life... He's 56.

I said, I'll give you 30 years of life, guaranteed, and you're in a great mood the whole 30 years. But you'll die in your sleep. And you won't 30 years. Yeah. But you'll die in your sleep. And you won't know it's coming, but you'll die in your sleep in 30 years. So you'll be 86, which is a reasonable lifespan. Or? Or maybe I said 25 years. I think I said 25 years.

Okay. So he's 81, and he doesn't know it's coming. As soon as he makes the deal, it's erased from his memory. For the next 25 years, he's in a great mood. As great a mood as he's ever been in. But he drops dead in his sleep at 81. Or just take your chances. Maybe you live till 100, whatever.

But your mood will be whatever it's going to be. And he chose option two. He is in such good mood so often that he decided he'd rather roll the dice. Is he in such a good mood so often? Is that true? Well, I perceive him to be in a great mood, and he confirmed it by not taking the deal that I offered. Would you take a similar deal? I'll give you—well, you're younger than he is.

I'll give you 40 years of the best mood, 30 years. See, that changes the deal, though. Those five years or 10 years really make a difference. But I would argue. But anyway, the point of the matter is that he is a guy that is in such a good mood that he didn't even take what I consider to be a very generous offer. I think most people, if they can see you live until 81, but you'll be happy the whole way, as opposed to rolling the dice, would take that deal.

Nicole, any thoughts? Yeah, I mean, that checks out for me, although I am counting down to death with fear every day. No, I mean, Nicole is so young that to her, 81 seems ridiculously far off. Right. Whereas to us, it only seems far off. Right, right, right. But not ridiculously so. So, Nicole, you'd probably take the deal if I gave you until 75.

Maybe. I don't know. I mean, it's so hard to say. It's, like, scary. Ask Noah. But you're going to be in a great mood the whole time, and you won't know it's coming. Do you want to be in a great mood the whole time? I think so.

What's the question? I offered my friend, this is hypothetical, that's why I had to wait until Mike left because he hates hypotheticals. That will never happen. I said, for the next 25 years, he's 56, you'll be in a great mood. You'll be in the best mood, as good a mood as you've

ever been in, but you'll die at the end of 25 years, but you won't know it's coming. You'll die in your sleep peacefully. At 81. At 81. Or roll the dice, and maybe you'll live till 100, maybe you'll die tomorrow, and your mood will be whatever it would be. And you know you're going to die at 81?

No. You don't know that. As soon as you make the deal, you sign the paperwork, it's forgotten. But you're in a great mood the entire time. So I'll offer you a similar deal, I guess. Now, you're a little bit closer to 81 than he is, but not, you know, not by much. I might take that. There's no other parameters or your health?

There's no other parameters. You're just, well, you're guaranteed to 81. Happiness. Happiness to 81. And happiness and 81. The other side, the other, you know other door number two is you're guaranteed neither, but you might get 100 years of happiness. What are the chances of that?

Very slim. I mean, so you have to look at how long you expect to live. Okay, so let's say you get the answer is take the deal. Then it becomes interesting to shave off a year at a time and see where the hypothetical fails. Would you take three more years, five more years? Yeah, I think if you gave me to 81, I would take it. If you gave me to...

I mean, to be in a good mood, 71, I don't think I would, but 81, I think I would. And then 75, I might have to think about it. Is there any value to going through the trials and tribulations of being unhappy so that when you are happy, you appreciate it more?

We can include that in the deal. We can negotiate that. If you feel that your overall happiness would be augmented by occasional moments of unhappiness, we can negotiate that into the deal. Yes, we can. How many millimeters of penis've asked you this before, how many millimeters of penis would you give up for IQ points?

Extra IQ points? Yeah. Penis size to me is really not, for my penis is, you know, as nobody asked, but it's adequate size. Right. I could certainly afford. How many would you give up? But how much good would IQ points do me?

Especially in stand-up comedy. Or the opposite. How many IQ points would you give up? How many would I give up? More penis. Yeah, I'd have more. None, no, zero. So you're perfect.

You were born with the perfect IQ to penis equilibrium. I don't want lower IQ. If you're saying I could have a bigger penis, I don't need a bigger penis. What if lower IQ increased your happiness? You really like to penisize to you is really that is really a thing for you? Like you really care? No, I would.

I would give up penis size for more IQ. I would rather have more IQ. OK, but would you would you marry? I barely use it. Huh? Would you give up IQ for penis? What good is IQ going to do you? Really?

No, I would not give up IQ for penis size. I would give a penis IQ. OK, but what good is IQ going to do you? You're a happy guy. Would you be happier with higher IQ? You don't know that. You might be richer, but we've already said that the diminishing returns... I wouldn't be richer.

Even if you were richer, it's diminishing returns. Would you be happier? I think I'd be happier. Do you think you'd be happier? Why? Because I get happiness out of intellectual things, and I feel like I'd be better at them. And I also think you underestimate, whatever your IQ is, and to whatever extent IQ – I mean, IQ is – I don't deny IQ is a legitimate thing. But when you have – when you are arguing or discussing things with your friends that you consider to be intellectual titans, like Coleman, like –

Perriel. Perriel. Fred Kaplan. Fred Kaplan. I don't know if you put in that category. Tyler Cowen. Tyler Cowen. And also, by the way, also, by the way,

if you were at their level, you might not enjoy them as much because you're not learning from them and you're not awed by them. That's true. Okay. It's like when, you know, somebody once said to me, you know, David Teller, I hate watching David Teller because he's so good. I said, but don't, what, you want to be the best? You don't want someone that, you'd never want to be awed by anybody.

You'd never want to be impressed. You'd never want to be inspired because that's what it is to be the best. You want to have somebody that says, wow, that's inspiring. Sure. Well, of course, you've all heard the expression, you never want to be the smartest person in the room, right? You want that experience in life. You want to watch people and learn from people and be around. I don't know that expression, but it's roughly,

look, I would want to be the smartest person in the room depending on the room. Look at Noam. Because you know who never said that. If it's a comedy, comedy you know who never said that smartest person in the room and of course smart no no smart you know noam noam underestimates also as i said his intellectual capacities and i asked coleman i said do you agree with me that noam underestimates himself he said yeah i mean he called you brilliant now uh i have flashes but

i i and you know i mean um sometimes, sometimes you get fixated on shit, and I can't break you out of it, because you're going down your own logic barrel and tunnel, but you're very, you know... Yeah, he can be like that. And what's good about Norman, and what I said to him the other night, is he's not handicapped by an ideological brand. He doesn't have to believe.

In other words, if you're somebody that's a conservative, your brand is Tucker Carlson, that's your brand, you have to follow that brand. You can't just follow where the logic and facts take you. Noam can because he doesn't have a book he's trying to sell. He can follow whatever the facts and logic take. I appreciate that. I try to be that way.

But I think that's what people think makes – they might think I'm smart because of that. It's not really the same thing as intelligence. You'd be smart simply because you seem to be impartial. Yeah. And they – That's a personality thing. It's different. Well, look, well, I think, you know, you're certainly smart enough to get the benefits, the joys out of the discussions that you have. What you're not smart enough to realize or parallel is just how I was implying I have a huge cock.

I can spare a couple of inches for IQ plays. OK, well, you said millimeter. I mean, a millimeter. You said millimeter, but you know, I never in my life thought about worried about, I mean, I worry about a lot of things. I used to worry about the Russians dropping a nuke on us.

Okay. I worry about many things. I scratch a nail. I think I got tetanus. So there's plenty of worry. What was that thing Dan thought he had? Cancer one time? I had something below my eye. But one thing I've never, ever, ever

been concerned about is the size of my penis. It's perfectly adequate. Unless it were micro. Like Hitler. Was Hitler a micro penis? Well, folks, this will be our last episode. They say that Hitler has micro. Like Hitler. Was Hitler a micro pain? Well, folks, this will be our last episode. They said that Hitler has micro phallus. Is that true?

And really, I don't think women are that concerned unless it's at a micro level. If it's two inches, fully erect, then there's going to be an issue. But I think anything reasonable. Well, what's reasonable? I think four and a half, fully erect is reasonable. Well, I can assure you that that's issue. But I think anything reasonable. Well, what's reasonable? I think four and a half. Okay.

Well, I can assure you that that's not reasonable. That's not reasonable. You don't think that's reasonable? Four inches? I said four and a half. Doesn't that be wide? Four and a half. I mean, four and a half.

Four and a half long with proportional girth. This is not interesting. Fully erect. Well, I think it's interesting. First of all, I didn't realize that you were entirely in charge of this bonus episode. I have to go. Well, wait, why are you... I always talk about penis size making me horny.

All right, anyway, the bonus episode is... We've done our half hour, but... I wanted to... You think four and a half is too small. Yeah, it's a little small. Nicole, do you have anything to say about that or no comment? The average penis size is at least five inches. Okay.

Is what? Per Google. Five inches. 5.16 inches. Okay. Anyway. Is that globally or do they have any cohorts in that? Okay.

Thank you for tuning in. You can find us at Dan Natterman and at Perrielle Ashton Brand. This is Table Talk, the bonus episode. I don't know however you want to characterize it, of Live from the Table. And we thank you for listening. Podcast at ComedySeller.com.

For any comments about either podcast and what your thoughts are on the Beyond or Impossible Burger. And Penisize. And Penisize. And penis size. And penis size. And that's all. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Bye.