The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Bonus Episode #6 with Dov Davidoff

Episode Date: July 12, 2020

Bonus Episode #6 with Dov Davidoff

Rockets. This is Live from the Table, the official podcast of New York's world-famous comedy cellar. This is the bonus episode. I'm Dan Natterman. I'm with Periel Ashenbrand, our producer. Dov Davidoff is joining us as always for the bonus episode. And you are listening to us on the Riotcast Podcast Network. How is everybody? We are recording today on Friday because we had some, I guess Dove couldn't make it on Monday, so it is Friday night, though it doesn't seem like a Friday night. Friday night,

baby, Friday. Canceled until further notice. Dove is frozen again. That happens with Dove sometimes. Perriella, you still with us? I'm with you. I'm with you. I thought you were frozen for a second. you yeah you fell out for a bit Dan I don't know if I'm back in

you're back in you're back baby you're back okay ready to roll such a weekend such a weekend we all have Friday night but it doesn't seem like a Friday night no it does not.

Normally on Friday nights we're working. I haven't, I mean, other than this pandemic, I mean, I, you know, there are very few Friday nights where I'm not doing standup. Well, that's right. You know, I just, I just took a gig in Phoenix. I fly to Phoenix next week. Wow. Yeah. I, I was surprised that it's up and running. I mean, listen, for all I know, you know, there'll be shut down again by next week, but, uh,

to tell you the truth to pop up and do 45 minutes right now is a, is a tall ask. I mean, I've been doing a few zoom shows, so. Well, I'm out of practice and I haven't done any uh zoom shows i mean listen i'm gonna do my best but um you know 45 minutes it's a it's a a lot of words you know get used in 45 hot ones and well you'll have an excuse at the ready if anything goes wrong yeah i'll have it at the ready i'll have it already um do you are you are you someone who ever brings like a notepad or any sort of oh it's getting brought up this time we're gonna bring a notepad all right i'm gonna have a whole song list i might put it like you

know in one of those composer sheets i'm gonna walk up there with a wand i i mean it's been a long time since since you know i I rattled off, you know. I mean, 15 minutes you can string together after all these years. 45 minutes is, I don't know. But, you know, I think you're going to have fun with it. I think it's actually going to turn out to be a great show because people are going to be like, they're going to be into the fact that you're doing a show

after a long hiatus, that they're finally out, you know, and then you'll be able to play off that. You'll be able to say, oh, geez, you know, I forgot or I haven't done this. You know, it'll be fun. It'll be interesting. No, no, listen, I'm going to use the circumstances. No two ways about it. And also it'll just be, you know, I mean, it will, it will, it will color some of this, what's going on in the world. And it's nice to,

it's a nice place to think about and write from to experience people in other parts of the country. And then, and even what it's like to travel right now, I haven't been on an airplane since this all began. I haven't walked into another city. I haven't, you know, we'll see. I mean, I'm curious to see how folks out West are dealing with it. I assume the airplane thing won't be too tough for you. You remember how to sit. I remember.

And not masturbate, which is really odd. That's right. No, I know how to sit. But, you know, I mean, I'm curious to see how empty the airports are and whether or not they're actually spacing things out on airplanes and whether or not the space on the airplane seems functional or futile. And it will also inform my market decision. I, you know, you research these companies and you really want to understand whether or not what the sustainability of these models are, business models. But your dear friend Brian Callen got COVID and I believe he got it from performing. So I don't know if that makes you nervous at all.

Well, listen, I think it certainly informs the experience. I mean, I have to be respectful of a mask and social distance, but I'm ready to not be so respectful that I'm willing to say no. You know, I mean, so it's a measured risk and I'm willing to take it at this point. I mean, I, you know, I, I look, nobody wants COVID, but it's, I mean, at what point do you start getting back out there? You know, Dan, I mean, we, you know, people are eating and, you know, I was riding my bicycle around Soho and the western

part of Soho or the West Village, you have blocks where people are sitting right next to one another and they're all eating outside and they're all talking close proximity. And, you know, is it so much different than an airplane? Perhaps a packed airplane, it would be different. Yes. Yeah, you're right. In New York instead of outdoor. But yeah, you know, you, you, you take the risk and you're right that at some point we have to, I, you know, at what point, I don't know, but at some point, unless we come up with a vaccine, in which case, then this whole thing is over. But, you know, absent that we have to take risks. Well, I mean, the, the U S had 63,000 cases. Oh, just, just the other day. Yeah. The U.S. had 63,000 cases.

Oh, just just the other day. Yeah. Just daily. But how many how many how many people are dying? I don't know that the. Well, the deaths have gone down, but it is worth noting that the United States continues to have four percent of the world's population and 25% of the COVID cases. Yeah. First of all, I have a hazmat suit for your plane ride if you'd like it. You're going to wear a mask and a

face shield. I should probably perhaps wear a shield. I think I'm just going to wear a mask but maybe I'll bring a shield too, just in case. On stage, I assume you're not going to be wearing a face mask. I certainly will not be wearing a face mask. Theoretically, I suppose it's possible. Well, it's possible, but I think it's very limiting, you know,

both for the audience and the person trying to communicate. It's less audible. I mean, I think if you have kids. The think on your face is less visible what's that you have one joke in particular when you up your nose no no i mean i don't know what i do with it without my crinkle without my crinkle expression what will i do i mean how will i possibly you know generate a laugh or two but it's um i don't see what happens i mean will the people in the audience be wearing masks no i don't think so well and i mean why would they be the numbers in arizona are higher than anywhere in the fucking country right now i think that their social their their spatial

distancing like they are in restaurants all over the country, but that's what the rollout looks like in most places. It's like 50, 60% capacity in the room, and then they space out the table. I haven't been out there, but I'm told that's how it's going right now. Listen, even New York, Perrielle, we were supposed to open up to 50% indoor capacity on July 6th, but then Cuomo came out and said, no, nothing doing. Cuomo came out and said, actually, this is a terrible idea.

Yeah, it could be a bad idea. Yeah. then the alternative, which is to really continue to close everything down and experience higher unemployment and disdain economic calamity and the comorbidities that seem to come along with it, whether that be suicide or unemployment or, you know, you know, coming in with a bottle of whiskey and a tank top and slapping somebody around for no reason. You know, I mean, that's, that's apparently. The one question is whether things should open up. The second question is whether you should be going to Arizona,

whether you feel it's necessary financially or psychologically to go to Arizona or just to make the case that just to bring joy to the people as you feel yeah yeah now the people that the people of the desert demand entertainment things are heating up over there I think it's supposed to be 120 degrees this week over there or it's supposed to reach 117 in Phoenix that's a heat boy 117 by the way I I today I went to the dermatologist. It was my first in-person appointment. A couple of weeks ago, I was out with Dove and some friends, and they

noted that I had certain lesions on my arms and legs. It looked like a bed bug. They insisted that I had bed bugs. Oh, God. That must have made you insane. Well, that was an unpleasant possibility, but I did some research online, and bed bugs usually leave a certain calling cards, if you will, on your linen and they leave blood stains and fecal marks and so on.

And things that I didn't see. I'm not saying my couch is clean, but it doesn't have those things. Right. And I went to the dermatologist and he said unequivocally, there's no way it's bad. He examined under a microscope. Oh, wow. The lesions, and he has diagnosed me with eczema.

Oh. I would just say that you're wrong. Yes, I'm wrong. Yes. And you were so cocksure. No, no. I wasn't cocksure that there was a bug. I mean, we were playing around.

I thought Andy was more sure, but I know what you mean. Well, Andy is always sure of everything, and I typically ignore him, but it got me freaked out because bedbugs are a horrific thing to have. Sure, sure. It's hard to get rid of. What is it? A thought of bedbugs.

What is what? Eczema is just when you scratch a lot. No, eczema? I thought of that. What is what? Eczema is just when you scratch a lot. No, eczema is just sort of skin condition that I guess I can look up and get more details on. It's like, you know, it can be stress-induced, you know, which in my case would make perfect sense. And I think when you scratch it, it makes it worse. So that is the diagnosis. He also did some blood work because there is potential, very, very, very

remote potential of a thyroid or kidney problem that can have similar presentation. If you have bed bugs, you have to throw out everything in your apartment, right? Is there any other subsequent? Terrible.

That can only help his apartment would but again i don't but that he said i said i brought it up i said so it's not bed bugs he says no he just did looking at the uh looking at the rash it was not bed bugs so so uh does he feel that perhaps that there are a some a stress related should... We didn't get into that, but look, my stress is not going away. Anytime somebody tells me that something is stress-related, in other words, they're telling me it's permanent. Right.

You could say try to calm down. No, that's not an option for me. Stress is... It is what it is. That's not going away. If that's what causes it, then this is uh that's not going away so right if that's what causes it then this is something that you know that's not going away i mean there's other you know not necessarily stress i haven't done too much research i mean he was very quick in and out you know now i mean new york doctors they don't have a lot of time to sit there and discuss but here's here's what it

is here's the here's the cream i'm prescribing and goodbye they don't have any time he let you right in? It wasn't challenging to actually make it into the office? No, you had to get the temperature taken before going in, and everybody wears a mask. Everybody wears a mask. A lot of guys, my kid wasn't feeling well. We had to do a teledoc like the one Cariel did.

I'm looking up eggs. The one where she spread her ass cheeks? Yes, that's correct. But my child had one as well. And, you know, it was very functional. I mean, you can see how we are all moving in the direction of digitization. Eczema, I see. It's common in children.

It can occur at any age, you know. No cure. All right. It helps to avoid harsh soaps. You got to stay away from the harsh soaps, Dan. Yeah, that could be the problem. Oatmeal, right? You need to take like an oatmeal bath?

You need to moisturize. You need to moisturize and you stay away from harsh soaps. Whatever the hell that means. Guys in there with a vicious, a hard soap. You know, whatever. Listen, everything's going to be fine. Can I ask a few questions? Yes, you may.

Well, related to what? Well, I'm really interested in Dub getting back on stage. If you're interested in then perhaps others will be as well so you can now pursue your line of questioning.

So do you usually like riff a lot or do you decide based on each show? And all of that, I mean, I'll riff and it depends on what kind of new stuff is going on. And also some crowds that are really are sort of respectful and polite and will provide more time. You know, you have to get to deliver funny at some

point but if it's a crowd that seems relatively grounded and they're not really young and really drunk and it's not midnight you know it's it all depends on the people you feel it when you're when you're doing it and so are you gonna write a bunch of new material i would imagine that you kind of have to now. No. Well, you're going to riff on life, you know, and what it is now. I mean, it'll, I, you know, I'm not gonna, it's not, you know, a script, but they are jokes. And so I, before I start embarking on, on, you know, too many new ideas, I'll riff around, but I gotta get my feet under me with this, with an act because I haven't been up there in, in, is it four months now? Is it March, April? March 13 was the last day I was at the Cellar. I did nine shows on a Saturday night.

So, oh, nine shows on a Saturday night. I don't think I've ever done that many shows on one. No, no, no no it was because people were Calling out so maybe it was No maybe it was six or seven Because three people called out Something like that I remember like I think Judah called out Like you know certain guys

As soon as the idea of a virus Makes itself known Judah won't shake your hand Under the best of circumstances Under the best of circumstances In a pre-COVID, Judah won't shake your hand under the best of circumstances. Under the best of circumstances. In a pre-COVID world, Judah wouldn't shake your hand. So, no, he's not doing that. That's right.

Yes. So, I don't know, but it'll be interesting. I mean, I want to see, I want to experience what's being done in airports. I feel like it will provide more, I mean, while there's inherent risk, I feel like it will provide more perspective around whether or not all of these steps being taken are, how likely is it that we're going to open back up in a meaningful way prior to a vaccine of sorts. So I want to get a sense of those timelines. I mean, as you're going to an airport, I want to see whether or not they feel like they're on top of it and whether or not I'm seated next to somebody. Once again, Dov is frozen.

You were frozen a little bit. You were frozen a little bit. Yeah, yeah, sure. No, I mean, I wasn't saying anything too important, but I'm trying to process what's going on in the world, and I can't do that just from inside of New York City. Although I'm concerned about what's going on here between all the political bullshit and the racial unrest and the affluent you know leaving and not that I'm particularly fond

of the affluent class but they are responsive responsible for much of the economic dynamism and and a large percentage of the taxes in this city and And without taxes, everything that BLM is hollering about is not going to be addressed. So I don't know. We could be in a tough spot in New York City. I mean, we'll see. I'm curious to see what other places feel like right now. Now, what are you going to do if there's somebody seated right next to you on the airplane? Well, I'm going to try to make sure that's not the case. And these airlines are saying that they're spacing out whenever possible. So I guess I'll cross that bridge.

I think the middle seat has been eliminated. I don't think anybody's sitting in the middle seat. Yeah, they're not supposed to be sitting in the middle seat. So I just as soon. So, yeah, I mean, I don't know i mean i'm gonna wear a mask and do that treat yourself to first class perhaps i don't know if that would help you uh you know help help the safety issue at all well i don't know about safety i mean first class always nicer but i'm not gonna pay another g just to just to sit in the seat.

If it makes you less susceptible to COVID, it might be worth it, but I don't think that it would necessarily. If you've got to pay another by the time you get... No, I know what you mean. In theory, yes, if you thought that, it would really diminish the likelihood, but I don't think it would. I mean, the proximity to another person, if you're missing missing, if you're missing the middle seat, roughly the same. I think that sitting in first class makes you less susceptible to everything bad. Yes, that's right. You're less susceptible to crime. You're less susceptible to the flu. Yeah, no, it's a, it's a, it's a better class of person that you don't want to sit next to yeah i mean it feels like the plane won't crash for sure nothing bad can happen if you're sitting

in first class yeah no you won't have any problem with the bank you know mortgages or i mean all of the calamities associated with um in the world and upheaval by the way uh just just a separate topic uh this is something that i had told dove but i don't believe i made a formal announcement yeah uh about it but i have finished the first draft of my novel periel now you might recall that it started i started writing about 14 months ago I am now going back through it and editing it. Mazel tov. And hope to have a readable version by the end of the summer that I could send to people, hopefully to try to get an agent, to try to get a publisher.

Dan, that's amazing. Yeah, that's a hell of an accomplishment. Look, he can't even take it, though. He's like... No, no, it's not for him. Listen, if you had told him it was a bestseller, you'd get the same response, believe me. We'll have to see when and if it becomes a bestseller. Well, we can put your theory to the test. Hopefully, we can put your theory to the test.

Hopefully. I suspect we won't be putting that theory to the test. Well, don't suspect that. What's that? Don't suspect that. Well, I'm just... Odds are'm just odds are but but um odds are well you know very few books are bestsellers and i don't have a huge fan base boy here we go you had a huge fan base you could maybe assume that you'll get x number of sales based on your fan

base i don't have that so it's just gonna have to be uh word of mouth i guess but or maybe the merit of the book itself yeah but that's what word of mouth comes in the merit of the book has to you know know that the book has merit and i don't even know who's reading novels and who's like who's reading these days and who's reading novels you know people read what is it called do we have a title yes i have a title i haven't had it i didn't have a title? Yes, I have a title. I haven't had it. I didn't have a title until just about a couple of months ago. The title is Iris Spiro before COVID. Iris what? Say it again.

Iris Spiro before COVID is the title. It's great. And COVID really gave me the title. It's great. Without COVID, I would have me the title. It's great. Without COVID, I would have had a title. I don't know what it would have been, but... I will say, it sounds very Philip Roth-esque. Yes.

Right? Well, there's some degree of Jewish angst and neuroses baked into the novel. Yes. It's not quite at his level, the Philip Roth level of, of that, but there is some of that in there, but I don't want to get too much into the details, but I will get, I did tell you the title of it, but yes. So we'll see. Now is your experience of going back and editing or and rereading, is it at times painful and at times exhilarating?

I wouldn't say painful. At times, it's like it's fun. Like I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, I like that. I went back and I said, oh, I actually kind of like that. I forgot I had written that, but actually that's pretty good. So that's good. Yes.

And it's making you laugh while you're reading it? I don't necessarily laugh at my own shit, but there's some stuff that I do think is funny. And there's also stuff that I forgot. For example, when you start writing it, you're at a different place. You might have a different vision of where it's going to go. And then when you go back, you're like, oh oh i introduced a character that i never used again yeah i introduced one character that i just discovered tonight i completely forgotten i had to introduce this character

yeah um and uh and it's like i never i mean never i got it i was like now well now i gotta i like the character but i hadn't brought him back so now i gotta bring him back because i completely forgot about it that's hilarious yeah not that i have you know I hadn't brought him back so now I've got to bring him back because I completely forgot about him. That's hilarious. Yeah. Not that I, you know, never brought him back. I mean, writing a novel is a huge accomplishment.

Yeah, it's a huge accomplishment. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. I do think it is certainly the I do think it is, is, is, is, you know, it's certainly, um, the, the, the highest summit I think you can climb in the literary world.

Yeah. It doesn't get any, any higher than, than a, than a good novel. I'd imagine. I mean, in terms of, of course, good is the caveat, you know, but, but given an equal level of quality, I think a novel is harder than a memoir or a nonfiction. Yeah. Although nonfiction can require an enormous amount of research, and that can be hard in another way. Why am I accepting these digs against memoirs?

Why would you think those are easy to fucking write? I don't think they're easy, but I think they're... I would imagine they're easier now, but a good memoir is going to be better than a bad novel i'm saying at an equal level of quality a three-star memoir a three-star novel the novel's more difficult i would think why you're making it up yeah in memoirs you're making half of it up also well you're making it of it up also. Well, you're making it up based on reality, which of course you can do in a novel because a novel can be based on reality.

Novels can resemble memoirs. That is true. But as a general matter, not, you know. Not a walk in the park to write a memoir either. No, no, Dan, given the same cost basis. Given the same quality. That was my point, as I said. Anyway, if you have no other further questions

about the novel, any questions I'd be happy to answer, but if not, we can move on to other. How long do you need to edit it? Pardon? Like I said, I think I can have a readable version by the end of August. Readable meaning that I would be willing to send it out to people that

want to read it not necessarily and see what they say and then the next step would be try to get it into the hands of agents or publishers it's a quixotic journey you know to try to

get a novel out there I I mean, it's a very honorable, it's an honorable journey. It's just that we, we live, you know, in a world that, that seems to get less curious, maybe intellectually, you know. And there's something about that literary form that it's – you can't help but lament it if you've read things that have impacted your lives and then you think that people in general are not reading or reading less and less at a rapid rate.

Or they're reading tweets. They're reading – Yeah. You know, they're reading our little blurbs a rapid rate you know they're they're reading tweets they're reading yeah you know we're reading our little blurbs uh little you know yeah people are more distracted readers are readers i mean people who read books are people who read books and they will always read books i mean perhaps that number has indeed gotten smaller, but I think lovers of literature, you know, aren't that interested necessarily in having that taken over by. I'm not sure this is literature.

You know, this is. First of all, you can leave that out of your pitch when you're trying to get. Literature in the sense that it's not a high minded, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's designed to be funny and accessible. I don't know, but we'll see. I wonder where the peak period of... The novel, like the painting, used to be a much more prevalent part of, you know,

certain types of culture, you know? Like, it was a real talking point, whereas now, perhaps if it were a really popular TV show, you could engage somebody about the last episode that you saw, but it's pretty uncommon that you can read a book now and then talk to someone about the book you read in the way that you communicate with somebody who also read the same

book. It's just the likelihood that two of you will have read the novel you know is kind of unfortunate. I mean it feels unfortunate. What do I know? Maybe it's just my age. That's really depressing.

The thought of that is really depressing that the thought of that is really depressing i mean well it only depresses me because it impacts my ability to unload this novel otherwise it wouldn't depress me but yeah but you didn't nobody writes a novel just for the end game i mean you gotta really've got to really... Well, I do want to get published. I don't want to just to self publish it or to have it sit on my hard drive. Although I... Have you printed it out yet?

Have you printed it out yet? I don't have no intention of printing it out. Why not? Number one, my printer doesn't have enough toner in it. Number two, who the hell prints out things nowadays? Who's printing that so first of all you should get some toner order some toner on amazon well i know how to print the fucking book out and watch i mean it's like giving i'm reading it i'm editing it on the screen. If anybody wants to see it,

they will be sent an email file. You should edit it in real life. I don't even read books on printed pages. I read them on Kindle. Well, then how are you lamenting the death of the novel? I didn't say I don't read novels. I said I don't read in print. I read on Kindle, I just said, if you've been listening.

That's why all the books are disappearing. Well, you're defining books as paper and ink. I'm defining it as the book, the words, which can be read electronically or otherwise. Do you read books or do you read on Kindle? I read electronically. Everything I read is electronic. You're holding on too tight, Perry Hill.

You're holding on too tight. I've been accused of that before. I took that line from Boogie Nights. That's when that Floyd Gondoli trying to convince the Burt Reynolds character

that the future was video not yeah that's right video not film and and burt reynolds said hold on a second you're coming to my head yeah you're telling me you're telling me you're not film because like perriel burt reynolds was holding on too tight very tight but bur tight. But Burt Reynolds was an artist. He was an artist. That's, you know, and then porn just turned into something that, you know, you capture two people banging on video, but what Reynolds did was on film,

you understand. Not really that, but nowadays, and this is, I guess, a good way to leap into something else. Nowadays, porn, there's no plot anymore. You used to have to see, it was a movie with an actual plot. Things, you know, like an hour movie. Yeah, a It was a movie with an actual plot.

Like an hour movie. Hell of a plot they had. The plots weren't necessarily the most interesting, but they were plots. Now it's just ding dong. Hey, who's here? They don't even bother with the pizza delivery anymore. It used to be you at least have a guy delivering pizza. Is that part of what's appealing?

What's that? Is that part of what's appealing you know i think a good plot would help if it was acted well but it's not going to be acted well i guess it doesn't matter okay but yeah i think it would be helpful erotically helpful if it was like a well-acted scenario. But you would never have that because, you know. Well, you know, everybody's entitled to their own experience. But obviously how well it was acted, really. I like to get in and out. And when I shut the screen, I do so with prejudice.

I mean, it is not a proud moment when I start nor when I finish. And I don't want to prolong that experience of humiliation any longer than I need to. It is simply a demon that must be, you know, exercised. I don't know that women regard pornography quite that way. With men, it's a very specific... Once again, he's frozen. He was frozen in mid... Mid-porn.

What about the female experience of erotic film? I don't think there's any... With men, it's just we have a... There's a very clear end point, and then we turn it right off. Yeah, when you come. I was trying to be a little more delicate. I sometimes am so sick of myself that while I'm reaching the ultimate destination,

I shut the screen. So I'm catching it in a napkin while closing the screen because I'm so horrified. I'm so horrified by both. Why? What are you horrified about? What part is so...

I'm horrified that these people are doing this. It's all so horrible. I mean, on the screen, on the screen, these people are humiliating themselves. I mean, on the screen, on the screen, these people are humiliating themselves. I mean, come on, who does this? You know, every day they try, you know, women and men, you know,

empowerment narrative. It's all bullshit. You've got to be desperate and out of your goddamn mind to suck people off on a camera, in front of a camera. And it's just so space. I never think about it like that.

But it is. It's the opposite. Masturbation to some point is the opposite of writing a novel. A novel is the most you can pour into something on some level and then squeezing your sound is not great i don't know if you switched to another mic or

i don't know i certainly have not switched to any click different um what were you saying about squeezing what? In order to, you know, reach some sort of conclusion to that act, it is, it is very, it's a, it's a, there's something just, it's, you remember Ernst Becker, Woody, it's one of Woody Allen's favorite books it's called the denial of death and and Becker's philosophy was largely that most of what we did culturally and otherwise was the manifestation of our need to distance ourselves from the notion of our own demise and nothing brings you closer to the animal kingdom of our own demise. And nothing brings you closer to the animal kingdom and your

own demise, like choking away at your own pole. It is such a debased act. I kind of would like to argue the opposite of that.

You're coming from a feminine point of view. It's a little bit different. By the way, I'm reading Woody Allen's autobiography right now. He's got a very, very poor opinion. Not a poor opinion, but a very measured opinion of his own abilities, which I guess is not uncommon. But he's constantly saying how just, you know, not

a genius he is and how he's got some talent, but a lot of luck and a lot of... He's wrong about all of that. He's a genius. I think unless you're jerking off like five times

a day, like, it's fine. Well, it's all fine. It's just every now and then you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror or you don't have a knife in hand. I mean, that's a mistake. I mean, these should be things that are prepared beforehand and then you won't have those problems.

It's a very animalistic act, as Doug says. It does let you know that you are basically a monkey. Monkeys masturbate. Yes, I know. That's what I'm saying. No, no. That's a question. They just all do that.

Oh, they can't get enough of the stuff they're doing. All animals masturbate. I don't know if all of them do but certainly monkeys do oh the monkey I mean I think they're known for it how many times a day

does the chimpanzee masturbate he's asking Siri I'm not asking my mother you know chimpanzee masturbation. He's asking Siri. I'm not asking my mother. I don't know if

there's a number. Primate masturbation. How many times? Let's see.

I think it also depends on their sexual opportunities I mean if they're in the zoo maybe and they don't have the title of the article and then there's another one you cut out a bit but there's another one effective mating

the effect of mating activity and dominance rank on male masturbation among free-ranging male primates. I don't know what that means. Ooh, prevalence, frequency, and associations of masturbation. So sweet. Ready for this? Yeah. Yakushima macaques are especially busy monkeys the male master rate on average four

times per hour especially when they sense a female in heat although not all of these efforts end with ejaculation a good proportion does god could you could you imagine? You're talking about knocking four an hour for a minimum of eight hours a day? I mean, that is an ungodly amount. I mean, you're talking,

you know, you knock 30. You knock one out 30 times a day. I mean, I feel like as long as you're not doing that, you're good. Like you're fine. No, I'm not.

That is not a Yakashima McTag. I'm not. Or whatever, whatever you're burning. But, but, but I would imagine that, but if they sent a woman in heat,

why not go have sex with a woman or a female rabbit? Well, don't you ask yourself the same question. I've seen women throw themselves at you in a bar. You find a way out of it every time. A rabbit macaque is not as repressed as I am. You may be. You're a Fukushima macaque.

But the macaque doesn't have the psychological issues that I am. I'm assuming. No, you're right. I could be wrong, by the way. Yes. The macaque. Yeah, no, that's a good question. Well, I would imagine

because there was an alpha male, perhaps, sort of, you know, tapping that ass, so to speak, and then they just

couldn't get in. And so they spend their time on the outside, you know. Yeah. Or is it possible the macaque, like us, might say...

30 creams a day. Maybe the macaque is like us, might say, 30 creams a day. And the macaque is thinking, you know what, it's just not worth it. She's going to be calling me up. That's right. And I don't really like her. I mean,

I, yeah, yeah, I, I, I throw one, but. I don't want to get involved.

I have to say, I have to be up early tomorrow. Yeah, it's a whole thing. You don't want to get involved. Plus the intimacy is a turnoff for the Yakushima macaque, the male macaque, that is. Yeah, it's a whole thing. You don't want to get involved. Plus, the intimacy is a turnoff for the Yakushima macaque, the male macaque, that is.

The macaque can't say, like, I got a flight tomorrow because the female macaque will say, wait a minute, they don't let monkeys on planes. Come up with a better excuse. That's right. That's right. You know. Yeah, no, no, that's all good stuff

because I'm gonna just start handing you guys premises yeah well we Master Many Monkeys is a good premise

if ever there was one I mean you know no it's an excellent premise you know the woman says are you gonna stay over and the male says no I gotta

you know it's and then I got a meeting and then she's gonna be a real meeting and then she doesn't even come to me and then she doesn't come to me

and then she doesn't come to me and then she doesn't come to me what'd you say Dan? no she says I have a meeting and what meeting?

you know you're a macaque you're a macaque well macaque I mean in theory could have a meeting but you know you could say

no listen you know my car broke down I got a I got a doctor's appointment in the morning I've got an eczema I'm dealing with I gotta leave

I gotta be up early yeah the macaque has no excuse when you look at these monkeys you know they're us I mean there's no question when you look at a monkey and you say these are our like it or not these are our cousins and we like to pretend that we're something different,

but, and we are somewhat different. We're obviously more intelligent, I guess, than necessarily. Yeah, right, right. I mean, certainly more capable intellectually, but, you know, in terms of, you know, cranking one out in front of a point, you know, I don't see how it's functionally any different from staring.

We typically do it in private, whereas the macaque, he'll do it wherever he happens to be. Yeah, well, yeah. No, that's part of it. Most of us anyway, right? What's that? Most of us. I've certainly been on a New York City subway. That's the exception. The subway

is the exception. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and if we're not careful and we sort of reorganize the police to the degree that they're afraid to make any arrests because

anything remotely non-white, they're going to be called a racist. I'll tell you dove you're you're you're um you really cut out a lot i don't know if there's anything you can do on your end are you on wi-fi are you on something i don't know what dove's connection is i'm not am i cutting out this much perio no for some reason dove cuts out all the dove you cut out a lot i don't know if your connection is – Well, I don't understand. My connection is – Well, there we go again.

He's on the Lower East Side. I don't know. Maybe the Lower East Side has a bad – There's bad air down there. Well, anyway, whilst Dove is trying to unfreeze himself, I do want to talk a bit about the guests that we had on the other day on the on the regular podcast we had peter singer on he's a moral philosopher it's it made to do with the weather he's dove i mean you're really

we had dove we had somebody on the the other day on the regular podcast called peter singer who's a moral philosopher oh Oh, I read Peter Singer. I know he's out of Princeton, New Jersey. Princeton. Well, he lives in, he's Australian, but he teaches at Princeton. That's right. Australian, that's right.

A moral philosopher. Yes, and we were talking, among other things, about vegetarianism and about eating animals. And he mentioned that it's wrong to do so. And, you know, I mean, maybe oysters are not sentient beings, but basically most things that we eat are sentient beings, or we should at least assume they are less intelligent than he compared, on a philosophical level, he compared the intelligence of a pig, that's a reasonably intelligent animal, with a retarded child or a very young child,

instead that they have an equivalent level of intelligence, and one can demonstrate that, and if that's the case philosophically, then you must... You must eat the child....so easily rationalize that you the case philosophically, then you must eat the child so easily. Rationalize that you can, you know, use something for food just because it's less. And it's a sentient being. He's 100 percent right. God damn it. And the more we guess. Well, what I wanted to get into with him and I guess we didn't either have time or I forgot to ask the question.

Is it? There's no there's no right or wrong answer to this particular question but when we say it's morally wrong to eat animals I think most people can get on board but then the second question is is how morally wrong in other words suppose for example in a hypothetical situation a human being felt tremendous fatigue from a vegetarian diet he could eat it and survive but he felt great fatigue and he couldn't do a lot of the things that he was used to doing his quality of life was diminished from a vegetarian diet would it then be uh immoral to eat animals at what point not not according to his philosophy because it would cause an animal to suffer more than it would cause a human to suffer. And that's the premise of most of his arguments.

Right. And also you could argue that that is, would it be chemically or biologically, it's unreasonable to make that argument because you can always substitute any nutrients you derive from a meat-based diet. It's a hypothetical question because there might be some people, by the way, that don't do well on a vegetarian diet. There probably are.

Well, they just haven't experimented enough of a range. And let me say that I'm not a vegetarian. I want to be more of a vegetarian, but I'm a hypocrite at this point. I eat less meat than I used to, but I certainly still, you know, when I'm walking by a Mexican place I like and there's some chicken thing,

I'll still do it. But Peter Singer's 100% right. Also Singer. Did you say Peterson? Peter Singer. Oh, Peter Singer. Peter Singer is 100% right. Well, another question is, what about our caveman ancestors?

Do we give them a pass? Because agriculture was... Oh, stop it. This goes without saying. You're starving in the woods. You're living in a cave. You're not going to stay, take a theater out. That's ridiculous.

Well, but I'm saying somewhere between those extremes, at what point did it become i'll tell you at what point let me tell you the point at which you could choose anything and meat became very inexpensive and it was there was no savings advantage in any one direction or another and people still sloppily consume it as though it has nothing to do with the sentient being because they're so divorced from the reality of creating it and raising it and harvesting it, and this is part of the problem of an urban, you know, populace. And so that's when it became wrong.

If you need it, for God's sake, if you churn your own butter, you're allowed to kill an animal once in a while. You're not a vegetarian, are you? I am a vegetarian. Are you a vegetarian? Okay. But I... I don't know if you know that.

I don't know if you know that. You know a lot of things about me, but I don't think you retain anything. They come in one ear, go out the other. That's not particularly interesting to you. It's okay. I don't take it personally. I remember that you spread your ass

in front of a computer screen for a dermatologist. He just texted me, actually, that guy. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm a vegetarian. Yeah, he keeps bothering me, asking me for a follow-up. Peters, I'm a vegetarian. Yeah, he keeps bothering me, asking me for a follow-up. Peter, I'm a vegetarian for the exact reasons that Peter Singer elucidates. But I will say that I try not to be a purist about it. if I'm like a farm in Italy and I know that

this isn't some awful factory farm I will you know take a little piece of meat because I actually kind of like it but that's a very conscious kind of aware experience so without being fanatical

it's like I wear leather shoes. I mean, you know, it's, it's very difficult to exist in this day and age and not be, it's, it's more about choosing your hypocrisy. And so we should not choose to indiscriminately consume animals. It's bad for the planet. It's bad for us. It's bad for sentient beings. Now, what is going on with your rv well you know i haven't needed it yet because we're getting along so well now that we don't live together the agitative aspects of being in a relationship with one another in the context of living together was so challenging that um long story short, if I don't need something from someone emotionally

or to the same degree, and I don't, if you're not my primary human touchstone and my partner, and most of our contact is around logistics and my kid. And it's easier to get along. And so the distance, I don't know, long story short, I'll probably spend two to three nights a week, maybe just two, and then in the house, and then I just drive out. In the morning early, I drive out. I'm there with my kid by 8.30 in the morning, and then I'll spend half the day with them and then come in,

that kind of thing. And so right now I haven't needed the RV, but the RV is a contingency that at any point that trigger can be pulled. So you're able to live in the same house with Jessica for a period of time comfortably? No, I wasn't. Oh, by a period of time,? No, I wasn't. Oh, by a period of time, you mean two days a week. And then in the morning, I wake up with my kid.

And it's not living in the same house like it's a real intermesh. I cook. It works. It's more living in the house in the context of a romantic, well, I don't know about romantic, but a relationship where you feel like part of the way I relate to the world is having an observation, having a thought, having a feeling. Jess has got some hardcore Al-Anon shit that just, it's not okay to have challenging observations or difficult

consideration. Like it's, it's not her culture. She wants to, you know, it's, it's, it's not her culture she wants to you know it's it's she's not into a lot of thinking a lot of dynamism a lot of it's not it's not for her you know so i think you know her experience of me is that there's always some threat level nearby and now that i you know if you i don't need to describe an experience that feels like part of being alive for me is making contact with ideas and observations and feelings. There are a lot of people

For her it feels antagonistic. For her it feels antagonistic for her. It feels antagonistic. Almost like in the Woody Allen, you know, if you're any hall, when he's sitting there at the table, you know,

one person talks about the weather and then the other person says, this is good food. And then he's doing that disparity between the wasp culture and, you know, long story short. Yeah. There's a lot of that. I that um my husband's israeli and um yeah you know i feel that too like he doesn't even realize yeah maybe you and dev should i don't

know i mean throwing it out there. Thank you, Dan. Thank you, Dan. This sounds like the greatest divorce or separation I've ever heard. Well, we got to give it time. We got to get through this thing. But so far, it's been a delightful divorce. No, you know, so far. No, it is.

It's really, it is. It's admirable. Yeah, I mean, although I think Rich Voss and his ex-wife get along really well. I mean, there are people that do. There are divorces that end up leading to friendships or whatever you want to, you know, that have happy endings. You know, that does happen. Yeah, but the actual divorce itself is usually brutal. Even if you can wind up being friends.

I mean, most of my girlfriends are divorced and you're saying that in all cases the divorce itself was difficult was acrimonious minor exception i do have one friend that i can think of off the top of my head who they did a really beautiful job but i mean for most i mean it got pretty fucking ugly for most of them well we got we i mean it was really ugly for a while i mean it was leading up all of the awful things that have to happen prior to just going we actually need a divorce is what's so challenging and when that process has been accepted, that's when in theory, if there isn't too much anger and bitterness, you know, all that stuff, but yeah, you're right.

The actual divorce part sucks. I mean, right now I'm going to have to, you know, I'm still working through some of those logistics, but we've, we've already mediated most of it between our, you know, amongst ourselves, among ourselves. I don't know. Amongst ourselves. Well, Dan, I don't know. You're the novelist among. You're the novelist. Amongst us. Among us.

Amongst, but I don't know. Well, that's what editors are for. You know, that's what they're for. That's what they're for. And to pivot to the real estate thing, I just would have both of you know that I have been trying to fucking rent a place and the inventory with proximity to Manhattan, but outside the city has, it's insane. Inside the city, the inventory is high. Outside the city, it's low. Yeah. It's insane. Inside the city, the inventory is high.

Outside the city, it's low. Yeah. It's a nightmare. It's the opposite of what it's always been. It's the inverse. You want to rent something where, Perrielle? Outside of the city. Outside the city.

That is by you, you mean you and your husband and your child. For now. We'll see. Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa it sounds to me all right we got we got five minutes to eight o'clock I don't think you want to leave for the next episode

preview preview cliffhanger like all the shows now on Netflix all the streaming shows all end with a cliffhanger yeah so I've been well yes we've been looking at a place to rent temporarily. I mean, it, there seems like there's not going to be school in the fall.

Right. There are no problems in your marriage. Oh, I didn't say that. Well, I don't know what hope there is for anybody else, but. Well, there are plenty of people who, look at, there are plenty of people who have been married for decades. There are very successful marriages, yes.

They're out there. I mean, you know, the late John Stiller, who just died, him and his wife Ann Mira, you know, seem to have an almost fairytale marriage. Yeah, they're out there. They're out there. I mean, I don't know what the percentage is. I haven't made contact with many,

but I've heard about a few, like through podcast. I'm thinking of a podcast that I listen to, and I met the guy who runs the podcast, him and his wife, and they seem to, and yeah, yeah, anyway. Howie Mandel, you said? Howie Mandel was on the show?

Howie Mandel, who was on the show. Ray Romano, it seems. Again, I'm not there, you know, in their bedroom every night when they might be yelling and screaming at each other. But from the outside, it certainly seems pretty good. No, you can judge from outside. You need to have factual inside knowledge of these things to be able to comment on them.

Ray's marriage would have been so much more interesting to me had you actually been on the inside of their bedroom. When did you? It would have been difficult to have you living with them in the bedroom. Any well-known person that's married that long to one, is at least interesting, is at least impressive, whether or not what goes on in the home is good.

I don't know, but any celebrity or well-known, famous person can keep a marriage together, and a comic nonetheless, or an actor. But Perrielle, this real estate thing right outside the city, it's going to be challenging for a bit, I'd imagine. And then I don't know. I mean, if it's, you know, vaccine, obviously when there's a vaccine, people will feel that much more comfortable heading back to the city. But yeah, everybody's in flux. People are in flux, you you know what do you know about yonkers i know there are really nice places in yonkers i don't specifically know a great deal about the

actual market i just know that people are leaving the center and so the center is manhattan brooklyn and queens uh then they are going north and they are going west to Jersey. And those are tighter than core urban. Isn't that where our dear friend Colin Quinn is from, my Yonkers, I believe? No, he's from Brooklyn. Colin is famously from Brooklyn. Oh, okay. For some reason, I thought he had a Yonkers

association. Maybe he did not. I'm sure he's got a cousin up there that was a dock worker or something like that. You know, what are you? Colin's got an association everywhere that anybody ever swung a hammer. But Colin's a brilliant

man and he's from Brooklyn. Even I knew that. Everybody knows Colin. If you don't know Colin, you know he's from Brooklyn, for God's sake. By the way, it was just Colin's, not just, last month was Colin's birthday. Oh, was it? Well, Colin Quinn is a great man. He's a great man.

Happy birthday. He's 61, and he looks fantastic, and he's more productive. Colin Quinn, by the way, I should mention this. He's an artist. He's an artist. He's somebody that is, you know, people get older and sometimes they, I don't say they give up, but they're not, they don't have the enthusiasm, the artistic drive.

Colin Quinn seems to have more artistic drive, even in his 60s, to produce and to create, and has never been more creative or productive, which is good for us because we have something to look forward to. Those of us who are a bit younger, you know. Colin is an artist. You get it?

Yeah, he's an artist. But I don't know. I think that most great artists seem to continue to work well, I mean, until they die pretty much no yeah no no the ones that are deeply curious and have to continue to you know move in the direction of art yeah i agree but the question is is whether their output stays at the same level um and some some people do some people don't i mean we talk about this on the show a

fair amount musicians tend to just never be at their at least at their commercial best in later years maybe they're just maybe springsteen's music is just as good as it ever was i'm not musician enough to judge it's different and perhaps it's perhaps it isn't as popular and yes you know in terms of a commercial context people but if you're a real artist you keep doing it man i guess you know you keep painting you read about i read i used to was getting into reading painters biographies for a bit from lucian freud and i love fascinating lives yeah and um you know and Freud and Modigliani. I love Luscious. Fascinating lives, yeah. And, you know, I mean, they keep painting. I mean, some of them are horrendous narcissists and they have very difficult relationships.

Oh, that's, yeah. They keep painting, you know. Yeah, you should. You should always, whatever painting means for you, you got to keep doing it. What do you do? You start watching 12 hours a day of television? You got to keep painting.

Billy Joel famously doesn't write music anymore, but he plays a lot. But for whatever reason, he doesn't feel that he's capable, I guess, of writing the kinds of stuff that he wrote. Or he doesn't enjoy it. I don't know. I mean, maybe he's, you know, some people... David Lee Roth used to call it

dinner at ass, he called it. You know, some people, David Lee Roth used to call it dinner at ass, he called it. You know, it's when people go from a lean, hungry, artistic journey to they go to dinner every night and meet up with people. Yeah, salons, like there used to be salons. Yeah. This show is like a modern digitized version of the salon. Right. And that's what you want to recreate. And that's what's so special about the cellar.

And that's why it leaves such a hole in my life. Yeah. Well, hopefully we'll be back soon. Let's keep the people wanting more in keeping. Yeah, God bless you. And we'll see you next time. Yeah, Per, you were about to say something?

I was going to say, don't forget to say that you can also find us on YouTube at the Comedy Cellars YouTube page. Questions, comments, and suggestions can be given at podcast at comedycellar.com. Dove, have fun in Arizona. Wear your mask and suggestions can be given at podcast.comedysally.com. Dove, have fun in Arizona.

Wear your mask and try to be careful. Yeah. Be safe, I guess, as best you can. I don't know what you can do, but. Yeah. Stand up live in Phoenix, Arizona. Stand up live. Phoenix, Arizona.

What are the dates? And where can people go? 17th, 18th, 19th. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And I'm sorry, Friday, Saturday, yes. 17, 18, 19. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And I'm sorry, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. 17, 18. Bring your mask

and your funny bone to... What's the name of that club again? Stand Up Live, baby. Stand Up Live in Phoenix, baby, all the way to Tacoma. Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA. Yes, sir.

We'll see you next time. All right, guys. Have a good one. Good night, everybody. You can follow us at Live From the Table. alright we'll see you next time alright guys have a good one good night everybody you can follow us at live from the table