The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Brian Scott McFadden

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

Brian Scott McFadden is an actor and comedian who is also well known for his voice over work. He has made multiple television appearances including on The Late Show with David Letterman, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and many more. He is a regular at The Comedy Cellar. 

🎵 Live from the table, the official podcast of the world-famous comedy cellar, Comedy Club, coming at you on Sirius XM 99, Raw Dog, and the Laugh Button Podcast Network. This is Dan Natterman. With me, Periel Ashenbrand is here, our producer. I'm here. I'll tell you who's not here is Noam Dorman because he is sick.

We don't know how sick, but he is sick. Too sick to zoom in, I guess, because he's not zooming in either. It's just me and Perrielle and Nicole Lyons and Brian Scott McFadden will be joining us very soon. Did you send me a bio for Brian? I did not. I can wing it.

We don't need one. I figured that as a longtime friend of the show and... Yeah, we'll wing a bio. I mean, you're big on bios. That's not really my main thing. Well, I just like everybody to be situated. I feel like...

Oh, I want to give a fan shout-out because a fan tweeted at me that he really liked the show and I thought he might appreciate a shout-out. Oh, that's nice. Let's see here. Jamie Draper. It's J-A-I-M-E. That's Jamie or Jem?

J-A-I-M-E. I's Jamie or Jem? J-A-I-M-E. I mean, in French, that would be Jem. But Jamie, Jamie Draper said, love the show. He tweeted to me. So we'll just give him a shout out, you know, because I think he'd appreciate it. Anyway, Jamie Draper, thank you for listening. I assume you're listening to this episode also. Periel alerted me to a news item this week that I was unaware of that she found fascinating. Apparently, there's a trial involving Gwyneth Paltrow. Paltrow or Paltrow? Go ahead.

I'm not sure how you pronounce it. Gwyneth Paltrow. So I read up on it, and it was a ski accident. Her and another skier collided. And the debate is whether she hit him or he hit her. Right. That's the debate. And he's suing her for $300,000 and is saying that he has brain damage.

And I mean, the whole thing is insane. Well why what you just said is not insane at all so what's the insane part? Well first of all there's no evidence I think or I guess the trial's about did he bump into her? The trial as I have read it is about did he bump into her or did she bump into him?

That's really all I know about it and that he's a retired optometrist and that she's suing him for $1. And I did see a clip where the lawyer asked her if she got the idea of suing for $1 from Taylor Swift because she had sued somebody for $1. It's like a symbolic thing. And she said, well, we're not really that good friends.

And then the lawyer was saying, oh, I'm sure you have a really nice... Like she was saying that you were dressed in goggles and you look like every other skier on the hill with your goggles and mask. And Gwyneth said,

yes, I try to do that. And she said, well, I'm sure you had a very nice ski outfit. It was a weird conversation. The whole thing is cockamamie. I don't, again, I don't think the whole thing

is cockamamie. There was a ski accident and now we've got to get to the bottom. People get into ski accidents all the time. Yeah, but if somebody was legitimately, seriously injured, that is cockamamie. There was a ski accident, and now we've got to get to the bottom. People get into ski accidents all the time. Yeah, but if somebody was legitimately seriously injured, that is a legitimate lawsuit. If.

Okay, if. I haven't seen the lawsuit. So it's not cockamamie on its face. It's cockamamie if we find out that the whole thing was made up or that he lied or that he actually crashed into her and not the other way around. But just the facts that I know, it's not cockamamie. What's cockamamie is a lawyer saying, I know, it's not cockamamie. What's cockamamie is a lawyer saying, I bet you have a really nice ski suit. But that's what I'm trying to tell you is that the whole thing, she also said, oh, how tall are you?

Five, ten, wow. That part was odd. And I love your shoes. But the whole thing. Well, when I say the whole thing, I mean the whole. The whole thing to me means the whole thing. Anyway, I actually actually met I never met Gwyneth Paltrow I met her mother Blyde Daner at Otto which is a restaurant that was owned by Mario

Batali I've been there but I don't think he owns it anymore I think it's closed down it is yeah I think it's Otto in the Otto I really enjoyed that restaurant but I was with Avi Lieberman but Blyde Daner was there ordering food. Right. And I just... Say hi? Yeah, I just was talking to her, you know, as if I didn't know who she... I knew exactly who she was, but she was like, yeah, I said I was a comedian. She said, oh, you know, my husband was so funny. And, you know, he wasn't a comedian, but he was a director, I guess.

I don't know if he directed any... Bruce Paltrow. I don't know if he directed any comedies or not. Okay. But, and then she said directed any comedies or not. Okay. But, um, and then she said, my,

my name is Blythe. And I said, I'm Dan. I mean, like I pretended like I didn't know who she was. And, and then Avi, but Avi came in a little bit later and said,

Oh, you're Blythe Daner. Um, so anyway, that was my, my limited, uh, exchange with her,

but she was very lovely is, uh, is I guess is all I can say about it. Okay, can we get back to this trial a little bit though? Because I feel like... What about the trial? There are a lot of things

that I'm not the only one who's saying this whole thing is cockamamie. Like the whole thing has gone viral on Instagram with all of these memes. What precisely is cockamamie about it? So at one point I mean it's you

have to be so wealthy I think to be able to like even take any of this seriously the way that it's being presented they said oh well you really suffer didn't you and Gwyneth Paltrow said well I isn't Gwyneth the one is the one who's being sued, I believe. Correct. So she has no choice. She has to. I think so. I think she has to show up now. She's countersuing, I think, on principle because she's saying you're suing me frivolously. Although they found some chat room in which somebody and also none of the lawyers could find this chat room. But there was a chat room which is particular to this ski, this luxury ski resort in Utah in which some internet like tech guy just like logged in. And there was like, you know, this thread about how she was the one who bumped into him. OK, but that's a chat room that doesn't get us anywhere.

Well, apparently it's a key piece of evidence in the trial now. A chat room? Yeah. Is it a key piece of evidence? Mm-hmm. Because? Because there was a witness now.

Okay, there's a witness. There's a witness. Okay, there's a witness. Well, let's see what the witness has to say on the stand. Right. When the witness gets to the stand. This whole thing, by the way,

took place a few years ago. Yeah, in like 2017 or something. Yeah, so... Anyway, so they said to her that, you know... This is not fresh powder. Folks. They said to her, oh, well, you know,

you really suffered or whatever. And she said, well, I did lose half a day of skiing. Okay, well, yeah, I don't know. She's countersuing, I assume, for... A dollar. Yes, but I think to... I don't know why she's...

On what basis? Well, I don't know. That she lost half a day of skiing? I don't know. That she's being sued frivolously? She said that it's not a symbolic dollar, that she actually wants the dollar. Well, I'll have to look more into this whole thing.

On its face... On its face, what do you think? It says, on its face, Gwyneth Paltrow files countersuit. She's fighting back. She claims he skied into her. She sustained a full body blow. And she was shagging and upset and quit skiing for the day even though it was still morning, said the claim. Which is apparently very out of character for her.

What's out of character? To not ski for the rest of the day. To not ski for the rest of the day. Well, it's out of character for I think most people to just ski a little bit. Once you buy that lift ticket, usually you stay at least half the day. Are you a skier? No, not anymore. I was as a kid.

I haven't skied since... The last time I skied was at the Aspen Comedy Festival. I think it was 1998 when I was at the HBO Aspen Comedy Festival. Oh, that's Brian McFadden. Where the idea was to discover new talent. And I was there with a lot of people that have since become very, very big. Patton Oswalt was there. Bob Odenkirk was there.

Dave Chappelle, I believe, was there. Tracy Morgan had just booked SNL, and he was there. And I was in a hot tub with Adam Sandler at the Ritz-Carlton. This was all back in, like, 97, 98 at the Aspen Comedy Festival. And that was the last time I skied. But I got a joke out of it. Because the joke was

I said, you know, I skied the Black Diamond Trail which is the most difficult. And I said, wow, it was so steep and I had to, I could barely get down and I had this like,

and then I found out that they have trails that are double Black Diamond. I'm like, what, they got landmines on those trails? Which was, you know, and then I just, that they have trails that are double black diamond. I'm like, what, they got landmines on those trails? Which was, you know, and then I just, I think I added like, what, they got snipers shooting at you from the trees, you know?

It worked very, very well in Aspen. In Aspen. I've tried it not in Aspen, and it doesn't work as well. More lukewarm response. More lukewarm response because you're not right there in a skiing environment. And not everybody's familiar with the ski code. The green circle is the easiest

and the blue square and the black diamond is the hardest. So speaking... Anyway, that was the last time I skied and that was quite a while ago. It's a dangerous sport. Well, I'm a clumsy, uncoordinated person, and I never got seriously injured, knock on wood.

I think it's dangerous. I think it can be made safe if you're careful and you ski within your ability. My friend, speaking of ski injuries at exclusive resorts, my friend Kat, who you know, was just in Chamonix. And her friend broke her leg. Yeah.

Like last week. No question about it. It can be dangerous. But like many things, it can also, the danger can be mitigated by skiing within your limits, knowing your limitations,

being careful, not skiing double black diamonds when you're a beginner. I'm a bunny-null kind of girl. Brian Skopnik-Fadden is here. Finally, he's... What do you mean, I'm late? No, I mean that the previous two times we booked you, you couldn't make it, but now you are here.

He's busy working. Hi. And he brought with him a pizza with ham and pineapple. No, I'm not pillorying you, but if you must chew, please chew off mic. Hello, Brian McFadden. Brian Scott McFadden, everybody, is a comedian. He's an actor, and he's a voiceover artist, which is how you've made most of your income, I think, over your career. Is that correct?

Yeah. Unfortunately, I did very well in that field, which actually hurt my other things. Let's focus more on that because when you're the Honey Nut Cheerio Bee or the M&M Peanut or the Serta Sheep or the voice of – That's quite a resume. Quiznos. Quiznos tastes better. I was the wacky – I was Wendy's. I did all the Wendy's commercials for years because no

one in New York could do a surfer dude. So all the, new wacky wind-ups from Wendy's. There's one in every pack. Collect all six. You know, like I did lots of those. And yeah, I was doing that. I wasn't auditioning for sitcoms, which I should have been doing, right? Well, I, yeah, but you know

many people that audition for sitcoms book them and then, you know, just, just to, uh, for the uninitiated, um, you audition typically for a pilot. That's an episode of a sitcom that is a test episode. And then the network looks at that episode and decides whether they want the pilot to become a series. Most pilots don't become series. So all the people I know that audition for sitcoms, some of them book pilots, and very few of those pilots got picked up for series, and of those, not a whole lot lasted very long. So you probably made more money than you, you know, I mean, you put away some good cash.

I did, I did. I bought an apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, and so, but I could have, but I'm sort of like, I was joking in my act that I'm, people introduced me. This is one of comedy's best kept secrets. You know what I mean? Which is anonymity is not something you want to cultivate in this industry.

Like if there's any quality you want to sell, be your selling point. It's not. But if you can have, if you can have a nice apartment, the anonymity isn't so bad. That's good for you, Dan, because you're, you're a big name in this field. You want, Dan wants a lower profile, obviously, because he's mobbed by girls and fans all the time. I'm just saying, you're doing your stand-up and enjoying it,

and you're not homeless. All told, it's... That's the standard? Okay, good, yes. Well, you know what? That's not so bad. No, there is something to be said for not living on the street. You're right. There is definitely something to be said. So, what are your dreams and aspirations now?

That's a good question. Other than getting through this podcast right now, I'm trying to live in the moment. So I'm not looking past this podcast. I'm trying to desperately. I don't want to put pressure on myself. If this goes well, then I build. That's my point. These are the jokes, Dan.

I just like that Dan's looking on the These are the jokes, Dan. Okay. I just like that Dan's looking on the bright side. Yeah. No, but one of my dreams, you know, I love working on projects. I like, you know, I want to do, like, I want to go, you know what I want to do? And this is not even a joke. I've had this obsession lately with the fact that British actors are taking all of our jobs. This is not even a bit. This is, I do a bit about this, but I'm annoyed that the Brits are taking our jobs.

They talk about the Mexicans coming here and taking our jobs. If Trump had wanted to build a wall around the Globe Theater in London, I would have voted for him because the Brits are taking all the jobs. They could not get an American actor to play Nixon or Lincoln. Does anyone think that there's anything weird about the fact that the most American presidents of all time, Lincoln and Nixon, and we couldn't find an American actor. So I

want to play Brits. I'd like to go to England and start doing TV there and start playing and being the guy who does the reverse of that. That's what I'd like to do. So I've been working on it and I want to get some auditions and start doing and being the guy who does the reverse of that. That's what I like to do. So I've been working on it, and I want to get some auditions and start doing British TV and be the American guy who's totally fooling the Brits.

Now, of course, there's people right now listening to this who are critiquing my actor from England. And there's Americans going, that's pretty good. But Brits are going, I don't know if he's really nailing it. You know what I mean? But I'd like to do, I want to do like a film or a TV show where I play a British guy. That's basically, I want to be a British guy in an American TV show who's not, so we can take the jobs back. We've got to fight for our rights as Americans.

Well, they've taken a lot of hosting jobs. Yes, everything. They're taking it all, Dan. It's not just hosting jobs. They're taking, they're playing. You go watch Ozark. There's a, you'll see a West Virginia coal miner. This is a, yeah, we will.

Well, it's been going on for a long time, Brian. No, I know that. Do you know that Scarlett O'Hara was played by an English woman? Yes, exactly. Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind, the ultimate Southern belle, was played by Vivian Lee, who is English, and Ashley Wilkes, I believe likewise was English.

And that's the most offensive thing about that film. Yes. People have other issues, but that's the one I zone in on. Yes, the fact that they had to go overseas, and they didn't even make the slightest attempt at a southern accent. Ashley talked like a scarlet scarlet you know nothing of love yeah how is that a southerner no there's not even it's not even close it's embarrassing is what it's it's very it's been going on for a long time very long but i don't think it's ever been as prevalent now because they i mean in that situation they

weren't even doing but now they're doing our accents, but we're not doing theirs. There's no crossover because American actors suck at it. You know, well, Renee Zellweger played a Brit. Yes. Thank you for zooming in on the one. Meryl Streep, nailing whatever she does. She played the queen, whatever. Awesome.

There's a handful of other. But you can give a million. Like I was saying, the Ozark show, you see a guy, I work on the coal mines, and my son got hooked on fentanyl, and my whole family's been devastated. And then the guy's on The Tonight Show. He's like, oh, well, basically what I was doing with that Billy Bob character is I was trying to get into him.

I went to Oxford, and I studied. But I felt a lot of kinship with Billy Bob. And I'm like, this is not right. That's not your lived experience. You know, that's the big thing. You can't play a character unless it's your lived experience, which means that I don't know what. I can only do comedians who do podcasts in the middle of the, you know, at dusk.

Has anyone listened to me? Why is there no laughter? Is there a laugh track on the show? There's a laugh track. I'm joking. I know that. So, Brian, but you've sort of de-emphasized voiceover now, and you're— I haven't de-emphasized.

The industry has, right? Okay. Peril and I were talking briefly about the Gwyneth Paltrow ski accident. Oh, right. What happened? Well, what happened, that's what we need to know. That's why we have a trial. Gwyneth and a retired optometrist collided.

Okay. Now, I guess a joke could be made that the optometrist didn't see Gwyneth. Wait. So an optometrist? See, I can't keep up with everything. A retired optometrist with perhaps a bad prescription, I don't know, collided with Gwyneth Paltrow. Right. He says actually that she collided with him.

Of course. Yes. Depends on who has more money. She says he collided with her, and that is the trial. Yeah. And it's been... It's come to this. It's been...

It's not quite OJ, is it? You know what I mean? No, it's not quite OJ, but it is celebrities. If the speedboot doesn't fit, you must acquit. And there were some bizarre questions asked to Gwyneth, like, how tall are you? Are you still dating the guy

from Coldplay? Right. I don't know if I got into that. But anyway, that's what we were discussing. Do you still have handles that smell like your vagina? They did talk about how she got ozone rectal therapy. Was that in the trial? Maybe. Anyway, we were talking about the trial.

I don't want to get bogged down to the trial, but as we were discussing when you walked in with your Hawaiian pizza. But anyway, that's interesting. You're talking about the voiceover industry. What happened to the voiceover industry? A lot of things. It used to be that you could, if you wanted to be in voiceovers, you had to be in New York, Chicago, or Los Angeles. And that's where all the recording studios were.

And my father was a big voiceover actor. He was Snarf on the Thundercats, which I've talked about a million times on numerous podcasts. And he was also Frankenberry. And he was also the voice of Franken-Betty Cereal. And so when my dad was doing voiceovers, there was like five guys who did all the voices for everything you saw on TV. And my father was one of them.

He had a great career. And he was on so many commercials and cartoons. And there was like in New York, you had to live in New York or Los Angeles because my father would – we lived in Jersey at the time. He commuted in. He'd audition for eight things a day, and he'd always book like one or two of them. He had network national commercials.

We had a very lovely house. He did very well. He came from nothing. He worked in a steel mill. I want to play some sad music, right, as my father. My Rudy, my father's Rudy story. But then he became successful, and that was the voiceover business.

When I got into it, I auditioned five, six times a day. How old were you when you started? In my 20s, you know, when I got out of college. And so that and now because of the Internet, once again, just like everything else, the Internet sort of disrupted the industry. And so it's someone in Iowa whose rent is like $400 can, can audition for the same thing that I'm auditioning for online. And they'll offer to pay him $400 for something that I would have gotten 20 grand for back in the eighties or nineties, you know? So it's, uh, the business has gone a lot, very non-union.

There's a way more competition. There's people all over the country, hundreds of people auditioning for one thing. And as talented and gifted and prodigiously funny as I am, the numbers is a difficult thing to audition. So you audition for – and there's not as many commercials and there's not as many network national commercials and they don't pay as well. So it's a big fragmenting of the industry. But thankfully, you got – I had a good year. I had a good run. commercial and they don't pay as well. So it's a big fragmenting of the industry. But thankfully, you got... I had a good year. You had a good run while the getting was good.

I used to audition for commercials every now and again for voiceover. Sorry I missed that. People always tell me that my voice is interesting and that I should do voiceover, but I never did any of that. You also have a great radio host voice. I think I have a any of that. Yeah. Well, you're a great, you also have a great radio host voice. I think I have

a good voice for traffic and weather. Yeah. Amazing. Seriously. We're backed up all the way to Exit 7 on the BQE. Yeah, exactly. Take the upper deck. I can see that. Yeah. It's perfect. You could be the wacky weather traffic guy, you know? I can see that. Yeah. Slow going on the upper deck of the GW Bridge. There you go. Look at that.

He's a natural, ladies and gentlemen I had one voiceover job Which was, I got hired to do the voice of a bra A bra? A bra Okay, and? It was funny, they wanted this like Jewy, broad voice

Yeah, and? And they got it And you got, okay What were the lines? That's what I wanted to know Oh God, I don't remember I don't remember I don't remember

No, because I was the king of talking animals. I made a list of all the talking animals I've done over the years. A rabbit, a kangaroo, a flea, a cockroach, a cow, a sheep, a rabbit. Well, you were the honeybee. I was the honey-nature. Cheerio's honeybee. Yes, honey-nature. Now, how did you decide?

Now, could you tell us what voice you used for the Honey Bee? At the time. And how you came up with the voice? Okay, well, I always tell people who ever want to do cartoon voices, you know, sometimes I used to have a technique, which I don't even do anymore, but I used to do it, where you would contort your body. You would contort your body or your face. Scrunch up your face right now, Dan.

Okay, now do the voice that comes out of that. Hello, my name is Ronnie the Rhinoceros. Yeah, see that? Now that's slightly different. He's just trying it out now. But a lot of times you'll contort your voice and then, Hi, my name is Freddy and what are they? And you'll do a voice that will come out of that.

And it could be like, Hi, my name is Fred, and you'll be a monster or something like that. Sometimes you'll contort your voice. And so I had this stretch run where no one could do a surfer dude. In fact, I did Keanu Reeves' voice for Bill and Ted's Excellent Cereal. They actually came out with a cereal

because Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure came out. It was such a hit. So they wanted to put out a cereal. Don't ask me why. It wasn't my decision. But they came out with a cereal. And Keanu, of of course they would have had to pay like a million dollars two million dollars or something at the time and so they got me to do it for scale sag scale and so if you see the commercial I think it's on YouTube it's me going

it's got cinnamon oats and marshmallow notes it's the most excellent way to start your day. And that was me doing that. And I made a living just on surfer dudes for like a stretch run. You became known as a surfer dude. I was like the surfer dude guy. Obviously Sean Penn would have cost a lot more as well. Exactly. And for some reason no... Did Sean Penn invent... This was a discussion

I was having with somebody. I know, the Spicoli thing. Spicoli is like whenever somebody thinks of a surfer dude from California, they do the voice of Spicoli. Did Sean Penn invent that or was that already the stereotypical surfer voice

prior to Spicoli? I think I read an interview with him where he said he based that on all of his friends or people that he knew. So, I don't know. Yeah, probably came

from somewhere. I also wonder about, I used to wonder about where Archie Bunker got his voice. But then I heard a fireman on, after 9-11, there was a fireman that was talking and he sounded like Archie Bunker. So I said, oh, I guess that's how people talk from Queen. Oh, yeah, that's exactly. Oh, style for yourself, dear.

And then he just like tuned it up to 11, if you will. Yeah. And came up with that. And so I did that, and I would do the Honey Nut Cheerio Bee, and then I went through this weird period where I was just doing, like, the Honey Nut Cheerio Bee. They said it was a bee. So you think buzz, so it's got to be something up here in this register. So it was like it's got –

Well, you think that, but bees might have a baritone voice. Yes, they might. Like Barry White. Well, see, that's a – You know, like Abe Lincoln. Everybody assumes Abe Lincoln said four score. But apparently, Abe Lincoln had a tinny voice. Right.

So he sounded like Paul Lind is what you're saying. A little bit. He's four score. One hundred and seven years ago. Wonderful. Oh, our forefathers. So we assume that the bee has a buzzy voice. You assume, but you don't know.

You just give them options. So you give them options, and so you'll do something like it's got a bigger taste and a better crunch. Even more for your big mouth to munch, which they wanted a high-voiced, cartoony character. Now, if you watch a lot of these things, they're

more natural. They don't want cartoony. So I don't know what. So if you watch the M&Ms now, they're like, hey, Fred, how you doing, Bill? You know what I mean? It's like they're construction workers. So if you watch those commercials now, a lot of that stuff has gone out of favor. Now, the one cartoon voiceover

artist that everybody knows, of course, is Mel Blanc. Is he considered like a genius? Yeah, my father told me, Mel Blanc, all those characters that you see, this is what's funny about Mel Blanc, my father said what made Mel Blanc, all those characters that you see, this is what's funny about Mel Blanc. My father said what made Mel Blanc so great was he was, now not to say that this is a weird way of putting it, but my father said he was a bad mimic. So all those characters you see are bad impersonations of old radio characters and actors that you would see. So all those guys that he voices, like Bugs Bunny, I go, well, Dad, who's Bugs Bunny?

My father used to always break this down for me. He'd go, Bugs Bunny is the guy from the East Side Kids, Leo Gorsi and Hunts Hall. There was these old serial black and white things. And he would, hey, what are you doing there, huh? You know, like he had that high voice. Hey, what's up, Doc? And that was basically an impersonation of him.

But it wasn't that great. It was just captured this essence of something. Not to say that Mel couldn't impersonate anybody. He was a great mimic as well. But I'm sure. But all those voices, Deputy, not Deputy Dog. He did all those, like, all the, what do you want to call it? The Warner Brothers cartoons that he did the voice for.

Where a lot of those were characters. Which is characters that he just changed just a little bit. Yeah, it changed a little bit, and he took them. And meanwhile, there was other cartoons that you would hear, like John Biner. Do you know John Biner? He was a comic. Comic, yeah.

Yeah, and he did the Ant and the Aardvark cartoon. Did you ever see the Ant and the Aardvark? Nobody remembers that. The Aardvark was Jackie Mason, and the Ant was Dean Mason. And the Ant was Dean Martin. And so he would do the voice, but he did voiced voices. So you see, wait till I get my hands on that ant, I'm gonna

eat him, it's gonna be the most unbelievable thing you know. And the Ant was oh boy, I hope that Aardvark don't catch me. And it was Dean Martin. It was him doing Dean Martin. So if you watch a lot of old cartoons, people are doing... They're just imitating. Imitating actors that they've heard or something. And it's close.

Like Family Guy. You hear, what's her name's doing? One of the women from The Honeymooners, you know? Oh, you mean the wife? The wife. Is doing with Audrey Meadows? Alice. Is that Audrey Meadows?

No, no. Yes. No, Audrey Meadows. I don't know. Whoever it was. Whoever it was. But the callers will call in ang no. Yes. No, Audrey Meadows. I don't know. Whoever it was. Whoever it was. But the callers will call in angrily and say. There were callers.

Joyce Randolph was her friend. Oh, yeah. So you were right. The wife and family guy is basically doing the honeymoon. Yeah, exactly. So they're doing him. And he's kind of like, I'm trying to think. Peter Griffin. Yeah, Peter Griffin is

somebody also. He's sort of doing an impersonation of somebody. But it's like, oh yeah. It's kind of like a New York guy. It's kind of like an Archie, not an Archie Bunker, but Jackie Gleason, but not really. And he's great though. A lot of those voices are very distinct and I can't even tell

if he's doing somebody. Just to transition, your vocal skills are not going to waste because you use them in your stand-up act. Yeah, absolutely. You do the British, the CNN reporter. You do the pilot voice. Yes, I do those. I always found that in my act, I always thought, that was also, I was so terrified when I first started in stand up.

I thought, OK, I'll write a bit that has a really funny voice that's in a weirdly funny situation and I'll put some funny lines in it. So the dumb people will just laugh at the funny voice. Right. The smart people will get the jokes. And if everybody's on board, it will have something to appeal to everybody. So I always wrote very interesting, I wrote dumb sounding characters or ritzy sounding characters who are saying dumb things and funny lines with a funny voice in a weird

situation. So the CNN guy is doing a doorman strike. Having that character do that or the pilot guy is a New York guy as a pilot going, how you doing, everybody? Check your freaking, you know, you know, fill out your freaking forms. What is it called? Your customs forms. All right. Yeah. Pull that shit out because I got things to do. I don't have all day here.

You know what I'm talking about? Like, I always thought it would be fun. I always thought it was funny that no one who pilots an airplane ever has that accent. It's only the Midwestern good afternoon, everybody. This is your pilot speaking. I haven't just flying around. I don't hear as much of that. I think that was more. I think that's fading away a little bit. Well, thank you for debunking that. I know. I think that was that's the classic pilot. Yes, that's the classic pilot. I think a little bit less. Yeah, no for debunking that. I know. I think that's the classic pilot. Yes, that's the classic pilot. I think it's a little bit less now. Yeah, no, I'm sure there's been more diversity

also, and I'm sure people in Europe don't have that. But I think that what I always hear them doing, just like sportscasters have a cadence and a rhythm, and announcers on the CNN thing, people laugh about that CNN bit that I came up with,

and I didn't think they would ever laugh at the beginning. I thought they'd laugh at the end thing because it's the – They laugh at the CNN – They laugh at the setup. Because of the voices. Because every CNN disaster story is the same, and I noticed this, and I just was like, that's weird. I just did it on stage.

I thought, well, I'll put him in a weird situation. But I didn't even have to do that. I just did the, that's weird. I just did it on stage. I thought, well, I'll put him in a weird situation. But I didn't even have to do that. I just did the voice of the guy. A young child wanders the streets of a mud-cracked hillside. His tear-stained face and the gunfire tells the story. For a tragedy has taken hold here that has crippled this once peaceful village. And people started laughing. And then you take that and you put it into a ridiculous situation.

I take that voice, but I do the voice and I do the whole, and there's no jokes in that. That's the weird part. But they're laughing because of the recognition factor. Of the recognition. And they're laughing again when you do that same voice in a stupid situation. He's covering something banal and boring. A comedian that bombed. Yes, a comedian that bombed.

Here live, a man has gone down in flames. His jokes bombing horribly. The pain is excruciating. No one can really describe the carnage. I thought it was funny to put that guy with that level of gravitas and serious stakes into a situation where there's nothing at stake. And it's really dumb. And that's, to me, that's funny. And then you go to the spectators who also.

Yes. And then we, because they always ask the guy, they always find a guy they have to translate and it's the same every time and no one ever notices. And so I wrote a bit about it. I didn't think the beginning part would get any laughs, but it was like, we, you know, we spoke to one eyewitness. And then they always have that same translator voice. The translator, I don't know what I will do.

Things are very bad here now. This was once a peaceful place to live. And they have this soft voice. They always have this soft, and they're talking without any emphasis on anything. It's very interesting. And I hear stuff like that. I just pick up on stuff like that. So, you know,

anger has turned to fear. That, by the way, just related, but not perfectly related, that must be such a hard job to translate while somebody is talking. Right. Because they're talking,

you're translating, they're still talking. They ain't stopped talking. But you gotta, I mean, that seems to me like pretty friggin' challenging. That's a gift right there. And by the way, they're probably screwing it up.

Of course. And nobody knows. I mean, you would know if you spoke the language. If the guy's speaking Swahili, you have no idea. You don't know. You know what I mean? And have no idea what he's saying. Native Swahilophones would know. Yeah, Swahilophones. I want to talk about my favorite joke of yours. It's my favorite. It's the one that I find most impressive.

It's the joke about what women want, what kind of man women want. And you talk about the contradictions that women seem to want things that are in contradiction with each other. Absolutely. Like they want a man that's rugged and outdoorsy, but he loves children. That kind of thing. I did it on Letterman. It got me Letterman. So what do women want? Guys keep asking and women keep us guessing.

And that's why whenever a man tries to figure out what a woman wants, he often looks like a cat chasing a laser pointer. You know? Yeah. Confused, disoriented, but strangely hopeful. The thing is, women seem to want contradictory things in a man. Women want a man who's ambitious, an achiever, who's successful both professionally and financially, who's not materialistic. Women want a man who is solid, steady, consistent, and reliable. Who is fun, unpredictable, and spontaneous. Women want a strong-willed, decisive man

who takes a stand and doesn't waver as long as he's flexible, open-minded, and can admit when he's wrong. Women want a lot. Women want a realist who's romantic. A guy who's serious but playful. Who's confident but humble and horny but faithful. Women want a man who is career-driven but family-oriented.

Women also want a man who's smart but not nerdy. Caring but not needy. Affectionate but not clingy. Protective but not possessive. Emotional but not neurotic. Funny but not a clown. Dominant but not domineering. And in control but not a clown dominant but not domineering and in control but not controlling

no problem good to know so take notes guys remember all we got to be is strong but sensitive, tough but tender, masculine but gentle, and manly but vulnerable. Because apparently what a woman wants is a gay football coach. That bit alone got me television exposure because I wrote this thing and I stayed up late at night with a thesaurus coming up with every possible. It's exhausting. You should see the sheets of paper I have for all the ones that didn't make the cut.

I was going to put out a mug with them on it. Because he has all these alliterative like things that women want that are contradictory and it goes on and on and on. Yeah. And it's like it has to be. It's like you can't you can't like you can't really mess it up. You can't – it's got to be in the right order with the right words. Yeah. Confident but not cocky.

Yeah. Smart but not nerdy. Smart but not nerdy. I can't remember. It's so funny. I've done it for years. Smart but not nerdy. Caring but not needy.

Affectionate but not clingy. Protective but not for years. Smart, but not nerdy. Caring, but not needy. Affectionate, but not clingy. Protective, but not possessive. Emotional, but not neurotic. Funny, but not a clown. Dominant, but not domineering. And in control, but not controlling. Right? Which one day I blurted it out at the comic strip.

I was performing there. And I was working it out. And one day I blurted that part out. And it got a titanic applause break. With the in control but not control? Yeah, yeah, which I didn't expect and it got this titanic I knew I had something but it's like you're writing a song and you

go, okay, this is really good but I don't know but it exploded in applause and I was like, oh, okay, good but there's like parts of that that I really like that I, when you do it when you do a line, when you do a bit like that you have to have like levels that drop and then that come back up. And then, you know, there's a part in there where it's like that women also say they want a bit of a bad boy, a man with an edge, a little bit of mystery, even a little hint of danger. Who loves kids? Right. Big build up single punchline. Then there's one where it's like, women also say they want a sexy,

dynamic, attractive, charismatic guy who has that special, sensual, animal quality that drives women wild who's not a player. Okay?

Right? Yeah, stuff like that where it's like this cascade of information. And I used to write like that because I always thought they'll just give me an applause just for the work I put in. You know what I mean?

But deservedly so. Right, right. Because like I said, like, you know, it's just – I don't have any jokes that are like that wherein it's just – you have to – it's so precise in terms of – and it's long. And it has to be said with such precision. Right. You know, and. Oh, you have to. My jokes tend to be small, short.

Yeah, but your word choices are, you know. Yeah, I put thought into the words, but they're short jokes. Right. So I don't have to memorize five minutes of that kind of thing. It actually makes me feel so much better to know that you stay up all night with a thesaurus doing that. Yeah, absolutely. Because, I mean, I've watched you so many times and I'm never not in awe of the linguistic. I mean, I've said it more than once.

I mean, you're like a maestro. Oh, thank you. So I'm glad to know that. She's said it twice. Well, no, but see, that's funny because I get very tired of having to do that. That bit was blood like spurting out like I stayed up. It was torture, like like I was sitting there incrementally writing that thing. And it really took a lot out of me in the sense of like, just kind of like, I wrote so many versions

of it, so many versions. And I, and it was just like, and I was like, I don't know how to do it. And one day at the strip, I blurted it out and I luckily thing, I taped it. And I was like, and there was one part where I think that, that really sealed it, which was, um, and I knew I had the, I had the ending first, which was women want a gay football coach, right? Okay. What do women want? A gay football coach.

Like a macho guy who's sensitive. They want a gay football coach. I had the ending, and I had the beginning. And you had the premise. And I had the premise. And then I just had to work it, work it, work it. But there's a part. What's the one?

A guy who is horny, but I can't remember. It's the middle rung. You don't remember when you kind of do it all? Yeah, yeah. When I do it out of sequence, it's like the guy, they want a guy serious, but playful. Serious, but playful. They want a guy, things that don't mix. They want a guy who's serious, but playful.

Who's horny, but, you know, horny but, God, I can't remember. What the hell? Play it for me. I can't remember. I'm embarrassed that I can't remember the bit now. But there was like these little parts where I broke it up into different sections. It's like a musical piece.

It's kind of like a song. And I put so much, yeah, I did. It was exhausting, that one. And I have three bits right now that are sitting on my shelf that are like really funny, but they require so much memorization. They're like that. Right.

And there's so much. People often ask me like, how do you memorize? Like I was up there before, how do you memorize it? And I'm like, it's easy because I've been doing these jokes. Right. You know, I do the jokes over years. Yeah. So it's easy to memorize.

Right. But my jokes are short. Yeah. You're to memorize. Right. But my jokes are short. Yeah. That joke, what women want joke, would be difficult. And what's funny, here's a funny story. On Letterman, they cut one of the lines at the last minute. They cut it. And they said, they don't want you to say a bit of a bad boy, a man with an edge, a little bit of mystery, even a little hint of danger who loves kids.

They didn't want that because they thought it was, I don't know, like he's a bad guy who hits women and hits, but he likes, yeah, I don't know. And that was back then. And they said, we don't want you to do that line. And that was grooved in, right? So if you watch the show. When you take it out, it's hard to. No one would notice, but I see it. it's hard to no one would notice but i see it there's a moment where i go to do it and then i pivot out of it and it it's so minuscule no one

would ever notice but for me it's like you're in it you're doing a song and it's hard to not do the song the way you've grooved it in but i did it i pulled it off and you don't know that no one would ever notice it the bit still works without it and and And that was one of the things that I tried to write. But I was basically out of fear of not being good enough or something. I figured I'll throw so much information at the audience that if they don't laugh, at least they'll just applaud me because they'll be exhausted that I did that much work on the bit. And that actually paid off in that regard. But I have a bit now where, you know, you go to, I don't want to pivot here, but you

go to, you go to like Dunkin' Donuts. I always get caught behind the person who's like catering a movie shoot, you know what I mean? Like at Dunkin' Donuts. And they have an incredibly elaborate, complex order right ahead of me. It's never the woman that's getting like a small decaf, you know what I mean? With no black, you know? It's always the woman.

It's like, okay, I want one, and I do a Long Island woman because this happened to me in Long Island where a woman was like, I want three, two Stevia's and one Splenda, and then in the one decaf, then I want the latte to have one equal and one Stevia and one Splenda, and then I want one without any sweetener at all. And can you put caramel syrup in the latte, but leave it out of the other one?

And then I want four hot chocolates, but I don't want any creamer in one, but put one creamer, coconut milk in the two on the left, and then there's one with soy, and then I'd like another one with just milk, if that's okay, but 2% if you have, and it has all of these... I don't think I've heard that.

I haven't done it. I've done it like a few times, but there's, it's an absolute list joke of just the most absurd, horrific order. So you haven't done it because you haven't memorized it yet? It has so much, I've tried to do it and if you fuck it up, it's just like what women want

in the sense that two stevias, one equal, and one splendor. And then I want one with brown sugar, okay, and one without the brown sugar, but put one equal

and three splendors in the one with the stevia. This also brings up a general point in stand-up comedy, just as a general inside thing about stand-up. There are certain jokes that are, you know, if a joke is very, very long and it's not working,

you can't just abandon it. Like, I have short jokes. If it doesn't work, boom, I go to the next joke. If you're in the middle of what women want and you're not sensing that it's working, what can you do? Is there a way to get out of it earlier? You hit the eject button. I mean, most of the time, if a bit – I have a couple like that where I go, what I usually end up doing is just speeding up.

And then – or I'll micro-edit where, like, there's a couple of – I do that pilot thing where the guy's like, yeah, can you look to the left of the plane? You know, you're going to see the guy we true out of the right side, right side of the plane, you know, I do this thing. And there's a couple of times where that bit's not, but they're not biting on it. So I'll just cut three of the lines and get to the punch. And I usually focus that the end joke better be killer, right? Like, like you have to have, especially if a long bit, if you have a long,

the longer that plank is you're walking, like, that end joke has to crush, you know, like, and I always, I heard people like, you know, oh, God, Mitch Hedberg, you know, he had these artwork one-liners. But they were all very short.

It's ridiculous. It's like, I was so jealous. I was like, what the hell? I got a, my, the CNN bit, you know what I mean? It's nine hours long, and Mitch Hedberg gets- I mean, you. I was like, what the hell? I got a – the CNN bit, you know what I mean? It's nine hours long, and Mitch Hedberg – I mean, you could do the one – that's not your style. Yeah, exactly.

It's not my style. And I – Now, Phil Hanley, I think, does a lot of one-line. Yes. As the new generation. Like, you know, that – and Dimitri Martin, right? He's like that. And Stephen Wright was like that.

Right. But – and I think... Mark Norman. Does he do one-liners? He doesn't really do one-liners. No, he does. No, he does. I compare the...

No, he's not really technically a one-liner guy, but he has... To bring this all back to skiing. Yeah. Here's an analogy I have. I don't know if it makes any sense. There are skis... The short jokes, those are like your slalom skiers. Then there's your long jokes. That's like the downhillalom skiers. Then there's your long jokes.

That's like the downhill skiers, just long, down. Now, me, I'm giant slalom. My jokes are not one-liner. But it's not straight down the hill. It's. Yeah, that's right. Yes, yes, yes. My jokes are like a couple of minutes each.

Yes, and there's a consistent... If anybody finds that analogy interesting, let us know. You have like this old school delivery that's very classic comedy, because you don't see the jokes coming. You're very committed to the joke. You have this new thing, which I thought was really funny, which I didn't... Oh, your sister.

What's the one about your sister? You know, the one where you got to talk to a girl who's been with a lot of guys. I was talking about comparing penis size. I don't know if these stereotypes about race and penis size are true. I'd have to ask somebody that's seen a lot. Now stop. Now stop right there. Now right here, this is what I love about this bit, is you're you're ostensibly this is a dirty joke right here okay like like in terms of it appears to be a a dirty

joke and it's you talking dirty in a way about penis size so it's a little edgy so the audience doesn't know where this is going and so they're sort of captivated by just this but the switcheroo at the end is the killer part because no one senses that. Like I didn't see it coming. And it's like, it's like, you're just talking about penis size. I guess I got to talk to the finish.

Well, I guess I need to talk to somebody that's seen a lot of different kinds, but me and my sister aren't. That is such a perfectly worded punchline. It just comes out of nowhere and you don't see it coming. And there's an innocent commitment that you have to the piece itself that you're just talking and you're just rambling about

this thing that's bothering you. And then it turns out there's this dark twist at the end. He has several jokes like that. Neither of my sisters, as far as I know, are overly promiscuous, but it's the joke.

Right. And your cousin the joke. Right. And your cousin Sheila. I just want to clarify. My cousin Sheila coming over here. I just want to clarify that my act is not about me. A lot of comedians are very personal. Right. I'm not personal at all.

Everything that happened in my joke, you could bet, probably never really occurred in real life. It's the same setup and premise with the banana joke. Yeah. Yeah, in real life. It's the same set up and premise with the banana joke. Yeah, yeah, right. Well, it's not the same set up and premise. Well, I mean, it's the same thing that you never see that. What you think the joke is. I hope you don't see it coming. The idea of a joke is that you don't see it coming.

But see, but see when. So hopefully you don't see it coming. Right, but to write like that, right, where, okay, what was the, like, if I would say to you, you like the thing about me why i wrote cnn guy i noticed the the broadcast i used to mimic the broadcast all the time then i said i want to write a bit about this because no one's talking about it it just seems weird that the same guys are doing every cnn a young child wanders the streets of them and i wrote

the cadence and rhythm of that guy with all the cliches that they do. Very quickly, they would do a thing, which I didn't put in the act, but they would go, a child's toy, an abandoned bicycle, and a flaming truck tire. Three things you would see in any town. But here, harbinger of a war that has no end. You know, they would pick three things in the frame. I don't know why. It just happens all the time.

You'll see it. It's a formula. They go, an abandoned bicycle, a pile of mud, and a young and a child's shoe. These are an innocent tableau in any other place. But here, they are symbols of a war, a war that appears to have no end. Right? And it's just weird.

What the fuck did you just do? And they do it on every time. So I just wrote that. Now you're back to you. You're doing the thing like, OK, so you got that banana thing. What was the genesis of that? Like a banana joke? Yeah.

OK, so just just to recap, for those who don't know, you on the subway and reading a banana. That joke has sort of become well known because Louis C.K. quoted it on a podcast. The joke is my sex ed teacher, Mr. Morales, he got fired. He was inappropriate. He came to class. He said, class, I'm going to demonstrate how to put on a condom. That's why I have this banana with me because I can't get hard on an empty stomach. That's the joke.

Now, what's the genesis of that joke? The genesis of that joke, I'll tell you how that happened. Trial and error. I used to have a joke years ago. I always thought sex ed was a good topic for a joke. I figured there's got to be a joke in sex ed. There's got to be a joke in there somewhere.

Years ago, I did a joke where I raised my hand. I said, teacher, how effective are condoms? The teacher said, you're not getting any anyway. Don't worry about it. So, you know, and that was okay. But it never crushed. It was never brilliant. It was never a joke that was going to stand out.

I said, there's got to be something funnier. Years later, I was thinking about it, and I said, there's got to, I just kind of, one day I was like, you know, there's got to be something funnier about sex ed than that. And, you know, I just started thinking, hmm, all right, what do sex ed teachers do? They teach you to put on a condom. Literally, I'm literally going down the path not knowing where it's going to end. Okay, all right, condom, banana. Hmm, okay, the teacher is using a banana.

I still don't know where it's going. Right. And then I say, oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now, what if he's not bringing the banana in to put the condom on, but because he can't get hard on an empty stomach? I mean, I don't know where you get that punchline. I still don't even understand it.

And I laugh every time I hear it. And I go, wait a minute. What does that even mean? Like, the banana. There's something so recklessly funny about that. And I don't know why, but it's just so freaking funny. But the funny part about that joke is a million funny components of that joke, but that's funny.

The punchline crushes right there. But that would be funny enough. But then it goes into another dark, it goes into many other dark, we go down a dark Dan Adam and the Rabbit Hole. But then I talk about how like, you know, what did I say? I said, well, you remember

how to put a condom on because, you know, you don't forget a teacher putting a condom on is rock-hard cock, especially when you're the one that got him hard. Okay, so you have, no, but you have, you don't, so there's two jokes there, okay? You've got a punchline,

a rock-hard cock, a teacher putting a rock-hard cock. So the audience is now, oh, that's funny, and then the coup de grace right at the end of that, which is especially when you're the guy that got him hard. And then I'll add I was hoping for a class participation credit, but then he

gets fired and it didn't transfer. Right. Which is a kind of... But those came naturally from the hard part was getting the can't get hard on an empty stomach. The rest kind of came naturally. But as to how I wrote it, it was just trial and error.

The same thing with my cousin Sheila joke about how my cousin Sheila, I by accident texted my cousin Sheila, come over, I'm horny. And then when I realized what I had done, I apologized. I said, sorry, that was meant for somebody else. Sorry, you came all the way over here. Again, trial and error. I knew there was something funny about sending a text to the wrong person. We've all done it, number one.

Everyone's done it. And sending it. So I had different. That's the best joke about sending the wrong text to somebody that I know, especially your salesmanship of the joke, because it's that Dan Aderman innocence tinged with the darkness. So, like, I had other versions where, like, oh, my aunt, you know, like, I asked for a titty pic and then, you know, from my aunt by mistake and it was not a pretty picture. Like, similar ideas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just trying to figure out, well, maybe I could do better than that. Yeah. Okay, you know, I sent it. So so what if I send my cousin to come over? I'm horny. Just not knowing where it's going to lead. Was Mr. Morales real? So again, it's just, well, there's a Mr. Morales out there somewhere perhaps.

But you mean— Mr. Morales—no, no. My ninth grade health teacher was a perfect gentleman who never molested anybody. You weren't sitting in a computer. Were you on the subways? I don't remember where I was. I think when I wrote the banana joke, I think I was walking to Central Park to do one of those outdoor stand-up New York shows. What they were doing during the pandemic outside by the tree.

Yes, yes. I did several. I think so. But I'm not sitting down writing. I'm wherever I'm at. Yeah, yeah. One recent joke that I wrote about the't, I'm not sitting down writing. I'm wherever I'm at. Yeah, yeah. You know, one recent joke that I wrote about the gym, I actually was at the gym. Right, right.

Is that the stalker one? That's the one where I'm at the gym and I say to the girl, hey, you got here a bit later than normal. And you're not wearing that, I like that outfit better than the one you were wearing. Once again, the next joke is funnier than the one before. But again, meeting women at the gym was always just an idea. I said, there's got to be something funny about meeting women at the gym. Now, I had a joke originally where I said, I tried to talk to a woman at the gym, and she said, leave me alone. I'm trying.

And what are you doing in the woman's locker room? Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all right. It got some laughs. But it wasn't killer. It wasn't that. So I said, there's got to be a better one.

Right. There's got to be a better joke about meeting women at the gym. And eventually, and by the way, years go by. Years go by. Yes, yeah. When I don't find it. Right. And somehow.

And you shelved it. I just, then I'm at the gym. I'm like, you know, there's got to be another joke about meeting women at the gym. I'm seeing all these pretty women around, and I'm thinking, let me, what's another? Another joke I worked on for years is about how being an uncle is easier than being a parent. Years went by before I figured out the right punchline. Yeah, now

because you're writing, like that's, you tell people that, like, that took years to crack that. You know what I mean? Like, and it's like, well, you see, you know, somebody, Chappelle coming out with a new hour every month, a couple of months or something. Or some comedians putting out five CDs in five years. And then you see the precision that goes into a great joke like that.

And you wonder, are comedians now different the way their minds are wired? Well, if you're talking about real things, then you can come up with more material faster, I think. Right. There's so many Mr. Morales jokes and Cousin Sheila jokes that I can come up with. Right, right, right. But if I'm just talking about Kanye and saying things as they are, sometimes something is funny. I mean, one of my jokes is funny, not because it's clever, not because it's crafted well, just because it's true. The joke is when I say, you know, when after Trump was in 2016, all these Americans were

saying, if Trump gets elected, I'm moving to Canada. And then Trump gets elected and they're like, I ain't fucking moving to Canada. Right, right, right. And it gets a big laugh. Yeah. It's not clever. Right. It's not.

There's no. It's just true. It's just true. It's current. It's just true. It's just true. That's all it is, is true. And if there's Canadians in the audience, it makes it more, connects it more.

So I was like, yeah, you Canadians, I know we kind of, you know, we said in 2016, we're going to move, and Trump was like, I'm going to fucking move there. And because there's Canadians in the audience, it makes it a little funnier still. But that joke required no effort to write. Zero effort to write.

I think it's roughly the same laughs as a lot of the other jokes. That's what's funny is that some of the stuff I've written, like one thing, I wanted to write. I did set out to write. I said, you know, there's certain comics that have, like Gary Goleman has the, you know, the abbreviations of the States joke. You can't do a joke about that ever again. Like he retired that premise. You know what I mean? Like that premise is.

I don't know if anybody even tried that premise. No, I don't think anyone ever did. Your premise I think people have tried. Oh, yeah, they have. And so, but, and like, I think Brian Regan has this thing about the scoring in tennis, which is so epic and it's great. And he, but, and like, I think Brian Regan has this thing about the scoring in tennis, which is so epic and it's great. And he nails every, and he strip mines it of almost every possible angle you could do.

And I just go, okay, he just retired that premise. No one's going to be able to write a book as good as that. Right. And so when I wrote What Women Want, I said, all right, I want to nail, I want to hit, that's my like, you know, my free bird or something. Yeah. I want to hit, I want to hit it out of the park and nail every possible angle. So that's what I sort of set out to do.

I go, I want to retire this premise. That premise is too lucrative and rich in possibility that I really am going to retire it. But what women want. People have alluded to those contradictions. Those things, those contradictions. But they haven't done a five-minute symphony. Yeah, yeah. It was kind of my magnum opus

in what I wanted to say. And to see, if I can write a bit that from beginning to end has all these levels, and I'm just going to, like, excavate every possible angle so that people will just go, okay, you can't,

that bit will be hard to top. And you can't do that with a lot of things. And very rarely, I thought the CNN guy, no one's going to be able to do CNN, a CNN bit like that. I think I nailed that, but that doesn't, it's hard. You know, it's like, there's, there's, there's not many times where I can go, yeah, I, you know, I got those two and I got a number of other jokes. I go, Oh, I got a great joke about that or a great joke about that. But it's hard to find a premise. And sometimes you just,

you want to like strick all the juice out of it. And for those two experiences and those two premises, I feel like I kind of did that. Not that you can't do a bit about it, but I did it in a really good, proud way.

A way that I could be proud of. You extracted everything out of it. Yeah, yeah. So that's like a fun thing. But doing long bits like that is hard. And doing one-liners, I think you extracted everything out of it. Yeah, yeah. So that's like a fun thing. But doing long bits like that is hard. And doing one-liners, I always like, God, I wish I— But see, I don't do long bits or one-liners. Yeah, I know.

You're in the middle ground. That's why I call it the giant slalom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Skiers may—once again, I say, I don't know. That analogy makes perfect sense to me. I don't know if anybody else—anyway. Absolutely. It does.

I get it. And we bring it all back to Gwyneth Paltrow and her ski accident. Yeah, back to the ski, Gwyneth Paltrow. And what else is in the news or whatever? What do we do on the show? Well, typically what we do when Noam is here is we discuss. Where's Noam? Noam.

Where's Noam? Noam is sick. Noam is sick. He's ill. He's ill at home and we're sorry that he couldn't be here. Hey, Noam. By the way, Noam bought the McDonald's around the corner. I don't know if you knew that.

I heard about that. You know the McDonald's on 6th Avenue and West 3rd? Yeah. So there's going to be more comedies. I heard. There's going to be, yeah, there's going to be. Now, when did this happen? Like two weeks ago, I think he closed the deal.

Wow. It was very recent. That's awesome. I mean, he's been like, he put in a bid and whatever the process is, and I'm not a real estate person, but he got the, you know, I guess he put in the best bid or whatever. Whatever it is, he got the building. It's just a mall. This whole thing is a mall of comedy.

It's like the comedy. Fantastic. You know, like on 6th Street, there's all the Indian restaurants. Yeah, yeah. So like here. This is going to be the hub of comedy. This is like, you know. That's fantastic.

But it's all one owner. Yes. Yeah. Because Noam turns away X number of people every week. Right. I know. And those people end up going to other clubs. Right.

So Noam said, well, why don't I open up my club and get my own overflow? And so the McDonald's is going to be. Now, who knew the McDonald's was not doing well here in that. For some reason, for some reason. It was infamous, that McDonald's. I think it was very dangerous. There was a lot of criminality. Unbelievable, yeah.

And that's why. Because usually McDonald's make a fool of you. I should say, normally I would tell them, put the McDonald's back in there. Right. You mean open a McDonald's? Yeah, open a McDonald's. You want to make money. But for some reason that.

And also, he's not allowed, according to the terms of the sale, to open up a fast food restaurant anyway. Oh, okay. The terms of the sale have some exclusions in it. I don't know how these things work, but he's not allowed to open a fast food restaurant. Also, I have heard that many of the restaurants, many of the Indian restaurants on Sixth Street share the same kitchen. Really? I think that is what's known as an urban legend. That's just like a joke where they say, oh, it's all one kitchen. Yeah, that's an old joke. I heard that is what's known as an urban legend. That's just like a joke where

they say, oh, it's all one kitchen. It's an old joke. I heard that about Chinese restaurants, too. They all have one kitchen. And it's in McDonald's. Yeah, but Perry also believed last week. Forgive me for bringing this up. No, no, no. By all means, bring it up. And I would like to tell you that I spoke to two other

people that thought it was true also. She thought that Kentucky Fried Chicken changed its name to KFC because legally what they were selling was not chicken. And Noam laced in her in a way that I couldn't duplicate.

Is she mixing up the Subway story? That they found out that it wasn't real meat? Did you hear about that? No. They went to Subway story that they found out that it wasn't real meat, that Subway? Did you hear about that? No. Oh. They went to Subway sandwich places? And they did, like, DNA tests on some of the... This is true.

I mean, they talk, like, and for some weird reason, DNA, they said that, like, the tuna isn't tuna. There's no tuna in the tuna. They don't know what it is. Well, it's a fish of some sort. Well, I don't even know if it's of this planet. I don't know what it is. Well, it's a fish of some sort. Well, I don't even know if it's of this planet. Is this another urban legend? No, this is absolutely true. They did

a thing. It was all over the news for a while. It's not... For instance, I didn't read that KFC. I never heard that story. Did you do a subway? No, I did the chicken one. You guys make me sound like I'm a moron, but the truth is... No one made you sound like you were a subway? Are you doing a subway? No, I did the chicken one. And, you know, you guys make me sound like I'm a moron, but the truth is that...

Well, no, no one made you sound like you were a moron. It was a popular theory. A lot of popular theories. The popular theory is that the Earth is flat is a popular theory. A lot of popular theories. Popular theories that the government blew up the World Trade Center. Right. I mean, there are a lot of popular theories out there that don't hold a whole lot of water.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, there's a thing about Subway sandwich places that they— Look it up. I don't know. I'm not bad at this, but there was something about there's no actual meat in some of the meat. It's not real meat. They didn't know what it was. That sounds to me like it's possibly another KFC story that's not really true, but I don't know.

Okay, Subway sandwich. I'm looking it up. No meat. Does Subway have fake meat? All right, hold on. This guy does everything. You'll need to order. There's no meat.

Okay. While you're looking that up, I remember also that there was something about the— Oh, yeah, here we go. There's a tuna controversy. I'm sorry. No, no, no, go ahead. There's a tuna controversy at, you know, Subway commits to more vegan options after tuna controversy.

In the wake of the recent no tuna controversy, plant-based options might say, with more than 40,000 selling a mixture of various concoctions and its popular tuna sandwiches. Ew. They sued them, alleged that the hero ingredient wasn't what it was being marketed as, but was instead made from anything but tuna.

Okay. That's a good premise. Yeah. It's fiberglass. Here's what I have. Ew. This is from NPR. A U.S. judge rules that Subway can be sued over its 100% tuna claim.

Yeah. Yeah. So it was probably other fish. But yeah. So it was probably other fish. But yeah, it was probably other fish. Okay. And the Taco Bell fiasco? Well, I don't know anything about that. Was it the chihuahua that the people were eating?

No, they put something that makes you have, like go to the bathroom in their meat because they were using meat that was like on the verge of being bad, so they wanted you to shit it out. That might well be. That scans. Anyway.

That checks out. That makes total, that totally checks out. You've redeemed yourself on the KFC thing with that one because that is absolutely believable. We are about ready to wrap up our hour. All right. And we do, this was a, if you're into comedy, I think this was the episode for you

because most of the episodes are political in nature because that's Noam's thing. He loves politics. Yeah. And, I was thinking we would. I thought we were going to go down

the rabbit hole. Noam's not here, so, and I'm not qualified to really, to get into heavy topics. I don't know about that, Dan. You're very opinionated off the air. You're right.

But, but it was an opportunity. But it was an opportunity to dissect the comedy art a little bit. Yeah. So we took advantage of that. We took a ride on that. And Brian,

I guess people can find you on all the social media platforms. Are you big on the social media? I'm terrible on social media. I'm awful on social media. I want people to get off of social media after they follow me

on social media. You made a big stink about how people are saying, you know. Oh, yeah. I want people to get off of social media after they follow me on social media. You made a big stink about how people are saying... Oh, yeah. I love that. Yeah, because that's one of another... I love the news. I have this obsession with news stories and news... Some people don't like it.

Yeah. Whenever you see a headline that says, you know, cancer is cured, but not everyone is happy. But some are not happy. And I always want to pull my hair out because the word some is so vague. And then you go and you read the story and it's two guys. OK, one of them has four followers and another is like a picture of a yam. OK, that's like a bot from like Sri Lanka or something.

But they were like, ah, screw the cure for cancer. And there you go. And now we have controversy. We can't have nice things on social media. God forbid there's harmony in the social fabric. That's the thing that I hate most about social media is like, but some are not happy. Like, yes, people are happy.

There are things in the world that are good. And just stop it. Stop saying everything sucks. Anyway, sorry. Yes, people are happy. There are things in the world that are good. And just stop it. Stop saying everything sucks. Anyway, sorry. Okay, thank you, Brian. We thank you. And look for Brian Scott McFadden.

He'll be, I believe I saw you're at a club this week. Yes, I will be at the Sandman Comedy Club in Richmond, Virginia, Thursday. That's tomorrow through Saturday. And you can catch me there. Sandman Comedy Club in Richmond, Virginia. Go Google that. And you can find me on social media. Brian Scott McFadden. B. Scott McFadden comedian, I think, on Instagram.

Or just Google me. Brian Scott McFadden on Twitter. Brian Scott McFadden on Instagram. I think I'm on TikTok, but I'm not sure. I think that I've been, I don't know. Who knows? I was. I can't, I don't know. Who knows? I was. I can't.

You'll find him. Podcast at ComedyCellular.com for comments, suggestions, and questions. Perry Lashenbrand, thank you. And thank you, Nicole Lyons. Everybody, see you next time. Bye-bye. Bye.