The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Catie Lazarus, Keith Robinson, Veronica Mosey, and Rich Vos

Episode Date: February 16, 2018

Catie Lazarus is a writer and host of the podcast Employee of the Month produced by Slate. Lazarus has also written for The New York Times Magazine, Funny or Die, IFC, The Atlantic Monthly, Marie-Claire, Out Magazine, Bust Magazine and still owes several thank you notes from her bat-mitzvah.  Keith Robinson, Veronica Mosey, and Rich Vos are all prominent New York City-based standup comedians. They may be seen performing regularly at the Comedy Cellar.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM channel 99. We're here at the back table of The Comedy Cellar. Back table, baby. My name is Noam Dwarman. I'm the owner of The Comedy Cellar. I'm here with my best friend on planet Earth, Mr. Dan Natterman, sitting next to me. Thank you. And we have two comedians

sitting in right now, Mr. Rich Voss, who's just walking by. Yes. He's always just walking by. He's married to Bonnie McFarlane. That was good. I am married to her.

And the star of the new Kevin Hart-produ produced animated show, Mr. Keith Robinson is here. What's up, man? Now, Keith never does podcasts. He always does them, but he comes over and puts his two cents in. Disrupts. Generally speaking. If I could.

If I can, I disrupt a lot. I like that. No, I just want one quick point. I just wanted to. Generally speaking. If I could. If I can, I disrupt a lot. I like that. Noam, I just want one quick point. I just wanted to. Go ahead. With regard to us doing a podcast on opening week in Vegas. Yes. You know, if we're going to do that, I would need to know sooner rather than later, such that I can put it in my book.

Well, you don't want to cancel those synagogues, huh? Well, no, I don't. I don't happen to have any, but if one comes through, I wouldn't want to cancel it. Well, okay. We should get to that. Right now, we need to discuss your dates.

Yeah, because it's a Comedy Cellar podcast, and all things Comedy Cellar podcast related. Well, don't you discuss that off-air? We could. Why discuss it on-air? We don't talk off air. Because I think it's interesting. I thought you were our best friends.

I was just shtick. So listen. First of all, the Vegas Room is something we've been discussing over several weeks. You've been discussing it. Well, here on the podcast, we've been discussing it. So what I like to do is the listeners come back and they say, what's going on with the Vegas Room? They like to know what's going on with the different sorts of things. So you basically want to know, are you being booked at the Vegas room?

No, I don't need to be booked. But while I'm there, you know. No, not while I'm there. I don't need to be booked. Have you booked the first week yet? Yes, I think we did. I don't know. I'm going to talk to Norman and try to set up an audition for you in Vegas.

We'll ask Liz and then we'll get on with the show. His stuff is so funny on Sirius Radio. They play you so much. You must be making a fortune. No, they don't play me that much. Oh, they do. They do. They play a lot of anatomy on Sirius Radio?

I'm telling you. I made you a star, Dan. I have to cut off my radio at least four times a day. That's fantastic. They play him a lot. They do on Raw Dog. Well, I. They play him a lot. They do on Raw Dog. Well, I'm on Raw Dog a lot. No, please. Kevin Hart did not get you

on Raw Dog. He's on Raw Dog on his own merits. No. Well, I didn't know it. I mean, my royalties from Sound Exchange haven't gone up, so I don't know. No, you got it. Did we book the first week in Vegas?

Oh, wait, your mic is off. Plug that in, Liz. You know how to do that? Yes. This is a very professional podcast. She's nervous. Look at her. She's nervous.

Her hands are shaking. Okay, go ahead. This is Liz, our GM. It's booked, sort of, but not really. Can we get Natterman on? Because we want to do a podcast the first week out of Vegas. I don't hear Liz. Go ahead, Liz. Keith. Okay. Can you hear me podcast the first week. I don't hear Liz. Go ahead, Liz.

Keith. Can you hear me, Keith? No, not going to hear you. It's booked, but I mean, we could try. It depends. Well, Esty makes the final decision, I imagine. But I don't need to be on. Doesn't Noam make the...

He's the owner, right? Yes, he is. Noam's a wimp. I'm a figurehead. He doesn't want... Noam will not disrupt Estes' authority except under extreme circumstances. Yes, I think. Isn't that how it's done here?

That is it. Yeah, Your Honor. Buffers. We've got plenty of buffers, Your Honor, in The Godfather. I've got to have somebody between me and any of the decisions. It can't be traced back to the... Noam will intervene if really necessary in extreme circumstances, but generally speaking... When there's a hit, you cannot trace it back to me.

That's all I'm saying. I do all the time. I think I've told this to Keith before. Quit. Keith is... Keith may be the only... If I walk into the Olive Tree and I see

a comedian sitting alone at the back table, I do not think I will go over and sit with them unless it's Keith. He's the only comedian I feel like I just go sit there and it doesn't matter, just chill out, whatever it is. I think that he's my favorite comedian.

Oh my God! Not his performance. Whoa! You know, that's a little bit true, though. Holy shit. And isn't that funny? You're sitting right next to Dan.

No, actually, Dan too. Dan, I'll sit alone with him. No, it's too late. Too late. But the truth is... Dan is hurt. He is. Dejected, quiet.

I'm not hurt as long as I get invited to the steak dinners that we have. The point is that With most comedians Even if I've known them 20, 25 years If I sit along with them It's awkward for me They're on They're like

With Keith I just sit there What are you doing man And then of course We're the only two Who sees certain issues The way we can't say it out loud That's right

The B2 issue We both agree on a B2. You had no problem seeing alone with me when you asked a thousand questions about Vegas when we discussed it.

That was business. That wasn't like a personal call. I'm not saying I won't say, I don't know you as well as I know Keith. I know you a little bit. I'm comfortable with you, but there is something

about Keith that for whatever reason, even though he's from a different bit. I'm comfortable with you, but there is something about Keith that for whatever reason, even though he's from a different world or anything, he kind of... What world am I from? A different one. Yeah, because he can't hit you with his right hand if he doesn't disagree.

Keith had a stroke. And he wrote a joke on my... And he tried it on me. No, Keith reminds me of one of my friends. That's just like, Keith is kind of like the people I've been friends with in my life. Kind of. I understand that. But I'm black?

Huh? Yeah. No, actually. How many black friends do you really have, though? I got one, actually. Keith. I got one. I've had.

Roy, it doesn't count. No, I've had a bunch of Black friends in my life You're my black friend You're my black friend Look at my African American But I've had one Like really really close Black friend

Like in the circle Like you know Five or six closest friends Wig You know Wig Yes He and I were really close He want nuts though

Yeah No he's okay now. He and I were like really best friends. Who was it? Wig. He was a waiter in bartending his work years ago. You have any friends that you currently just call on the phone and have long conversations with? No, I don't talk on the phone

with anybody. You talk on the phone? I have a couple people with whom I talk on the phone. Ray Allen likes to talk on the phone. I don't like talking to him. Robert Kelly doesn't call you? Before this feminist lady comes over, tell us what... She's not really feminine. Oh, she's not? I don't think she's that feminine.

Okay, tell us a little bit about the Kevin Hart thing. Well, the Kevin Hart thing is an anime that I play a dog named Chomsky. A pit bull. Method actor. This is the Keith Robertson character? But I needed that Robertson to save me. He's avoiding a me too thing. So go ahead.

That actually saved me. So I played a pit bull named Chomsky. I'm Kevin's mentor, you know, as a dog. And what character is Kevin? He's a dog also? He's a little Kev. Kevin's a little Kev. No, he's a little boy.

Okay. Going to school at this time. Having a hard time in school. And I got to give him some advice. Okay. We got our... Hi, come sit down. So, go ahead, Keith.

So, first of all, this is what I want to know. How long was this in the works before... You know each other? Yes, I know her. How long was this in the works before it came through? I mean, you knew this was going on for how long? About a year. And you never mentioned it?

No. I guess we're not such good friends. No, but you just... No, I'm just kidding. I know, you don't want to jinx it. You're waiting for things to go. Not even that. You're waiting...

Huh? Liz, he's on the radio. Go ahead. Are you talking about Liz, huh? Liz, yeah. Oh, thanks. Go ahead. You're talking about Liz, huh? Liz, yeah. Oh, thanks. Because Liz is money hungry. I knew that.

So, and I mean, if it's a Kevin Hart project, you know it's going to get picked up. So that's great. What's it going to be on? Fox. Oh, Fox. On Fox, they have that great news channel that you love. Well, yeah. A little more things got to be done before it's actually done.

So a little bit more things got to fall into place. So you haven't done any of the... No, we did a presentation. Did a presentation. Yeah, and it was good. So it's in a pilot state. Let me introduce Katie.

Go ahead. Do your thing. Katie Lazarus is a writer and host of the podcast Employee of the Month, which I just listened to on the way to work, produced by Slate Magazine. Lazarus has also written for the New York Times Magazine, Funny or Die, IFC, The Landing Mound, The Good and the Clear. Bust Magazine? That's like super feminist.

But is that a bust like bust or bust like bust? Like breasts. Oh, it's like a double entendre? Like teats. Teats. And still owes several thank you notes from her bat mitzvah. Where are you going, Keith? He's got to go on.

Oh, he's got to go on. All right. Should we all go with him? No, we don't need to. To go with him? No, we don't need to. To go with him? So come on, because I need plausible deniability for some feminist issues here, Rich. Oh, good. Oh, Voss, that's great.

He's a leading feminist. He was at the head of the Women's March. Well, his wife is quite a feminist. I know. Bonnie's amazing. Did you see her kill on Fallon last week? No, I didn't see her kill. Killed on it.

Thursday night. It's on YouTube, I think. Killed. She killed on something here recently. I didn't see her kill. Killed on it. Thursday night. It's on YouTube, I think. Killed. She killed on something here recently. I don't remember what it was. The pilot you guys did. Oh, the pilot.

Yeah, she's in it, actually. I think she's in the pilot. I think she's in the pilot. I always... All right. So, Katie. Yes, sir. So, I listen to your podcast

and this is what I got from it. First of all, you're a comedian? No, I'm not a writer. So, how come everybody knows you? Because I used to do stand-up. Oh, so you used to be a comedian. Aggravated. I was one of the first people to discourage her.

Actually, that's a great story. She stole a macaroon from me. That is true. These are all true stories. But I heard you on with Rebecca Traister. Yeah. Now, she's been on this show. Oh, okay, go out.

And believe me, she had a much better experience on your show than she had on our show. Because I read her stuff, and I was pounding her for things she had written and stuff like that and trying to find things. And you guys were like, yeah, men suck, men suck. And white men are the worst. And you guys were like really like having a go. I would like to say that it's not just white men that suck. No, I say only white men. I didn't even see Keith behind me.

But you guys had a left-wing love fest. And that's fine. But I just want to ask a question. But before I ask a question to the table, I want to say something. A socialist love fest. All right. So you know that if you want to view the situation of someone who's murdered, let's say, and you want to make sure that they're treated fairly or you want to examine the law,

nobody accuses you of being pro-murder or soft on murder, bless you, or anything like that. However, I find with some of this latest stuff in the news, if you have the nerve to want to think about it analytically, people will assume, oh, you don't care about, like the Woody Allen thing. Oh, you don't care about child molestation? No, it's not that I don't care about child molestation. There are other issues. So now I want to talk about this guy. It's only certain children. What's that?

It's only certain children. So I want to talk about this guy. What's his name? Porter. What's his first name? Darryl. Darryl. Rob Porter. Now, what's your take on the Rob Porter thing? He's the one who was accused of domestic

violence. Yes. He's the one who got accused of domestic violence? Yes. By both ex-wives? By both ex-wives, yeah. Yeah, I think what makes me sad is there is no due process, and the due process is awful. There is no incentive to ever want to go through the due process. I don't know if you've ever

looked into what it's like to be... For the woman who's been... For the person who has been, yeah, abused. So I just feel, I feel like sad on one level of like, it is fundamentally almost impossible to get a fair case. And then on the second level, so it just feels like chaos is what I would say. Right now, in today's climate,

you think it's impossible to get a case? Well, like right now we're all talking about things and people are getting fired, you think it's impossible to get a case? Well, like, right now we're all talking about things, and people are getting fired, you know, but they're not... But I'm talking about, like, court. Like, I was talking about, like, actually going through like a... What we need is... You want to feel as a person

that you could go to the judicial system and it would actually listen to your case. You know that that's not true as a black person, and I would say that's true for women of any age. Stop trying to appeal to my black side. I won't. I'll stop. I'll stop there. Come on, brother. You know the cops.

No, no, no. It's statistically. It doesn't matter. It's statistics. Statistically, if you look at what happens for women and it's been a long time. Talking to Mike, Ms. Lazarus. No, Ms. has her own podcast and understands the microphone situation.

Sorry. You mean to be disrespectful. Go ahead. I don't give a shit. Are we allowed to, we're allowed to curse? Yes, yes,

yes. By all means, it's better. So that's my, like, that's my frustration is that there is no due process to actually have.

With Rob Porter, are you talking about? I just meant generally. I just meant for you to generally... Instead, it ends up going on the internet and going on these kinds of things instead of actually being...

This is what it brought up to me. And then you tell me. Now, I understand you cannot have a guy in the White House who has, next to a photo of the wife he gave a black eye to. I understand that that's, that is a bridge too far. Are you, so are you pro spousal abuse? I just want to know.

I knew you were going to say that. But my question is this. I'm just wondering, what is the lesson of this? For instance, this dude behind the bar right now, Mike, right? What if I were to find out that 10 years ago he gave his wife a black eye? What would you, as a woman who cares about these issues, and I care about them,

what would you think is my required course of action? Would you expect me to fire him? What would you think I ought to do? It's like a theoretical that I cannot answer. It's a very important question because when I see a guy... Why is the onus on me to answer it? Because I'm a female or because I'm a feminist?

No, I ask men and women this question. We've had this same discussion numerous times. It's because you're the guest. Oh, got it, got it, got it. We've discussed this. In fact, Noam had a Facebook discussion with this very question recently. Just when you think Noam's out of the Facebook debate game, they pull him back in. But I believe you've thought about these issues and they're important.

They are very important issues. It kind of goes back to that due process thing that, like, I wish that there was more prioritizing. I wish that people, I wish that we could have a discussion and say, okay, like, there's a zillion issues going on at once. Like, can we prioritize what we need to focus on? Are you ducking my question? Stop ducking it.

It's trying to answer it in a thoughtful way. Right, but in the end, you got to tell me what I... He's fine, right? If I find, yeah, it's not him. If I find out that someone who worked for me...

Yeah. Had... And it's very sad. I'm convinced it's true.. If I find out that someone who worked for me had, and it's very sad, either, I'm convinced it's true. Let's take the tougher cases. He denies it. But let's say, you know, I saw the picture. I believe he beat his wife 10 years ago. Now he's working for me.

What do I do? I don't know. I tend to believe the survivor. Like, that tends to be where I am because most people don't. He's saying he's admitting. No, let's say it's true. Oh, he's admitting that it's true. And have they rectified the situation? He apologized

and he hasn't hit anybody in five years. I don't know. Okay, well then you have to also... I mean, right? We don't have a rehabilitative prison system. And I feel like this is where it goes back to having nuanced conversations. And if someone's rehabilitated and he and his wife are not violently hitting each other right now

and he's not hitting anyone right now. Well, now you're describing the Porter situation. Porter is a little different, right? Like, Porter is, he said, now two wives come out against him. But it was a while ago. But it was a while ago. And the wife even said she didn't want to see him lose his job. That's fine.

I think that what's hard there is it brings up the fact that like Trump, that we have someone in office who absolutely like rejects the basic rights. But that's not Porter's fault. No, I know.

But that's why it becomes so contentious. That's why it's spilling out into all of these other areas. Right. But you see what I'm getting? It's tough because, and I said on Facebook,

like, let's say I find out he's doing it now. He had a big fight with his wife yesterday and he hit her. Now, do I fire him? If I fire him, does that mean nobody should hire him? Should he become a ward of the state? You know, you actually touched on it at the beginning, and I actually agree with you. And this is always the problem, which is that... That agreeing with me is the problem?

No. Yeah. That the legal system is what's letting us down. Because the legal system can call witnesses, investigate, punish, whatever. Me, as a boss, I really don't want anybody to expect me to start wielding... I can ruin people's lives. Well, first of all, whose life is being ruined because they can't serve borscht anymore? No, a comedian.

I could ruin a comedian's life. You're not a good fiber. You're not going to ruin it. It's like the only fiber in Eastern European or Jewish. I'll work at the new club on the Upper West Side. An employer, it's a tremendous power to have somebody lose their job or their profession. And the thing is that if I'm expected to pass judgment on people for things they do in their private lives, I'm going to get it wrong. There's also a diffusion of responsibility there.

It's not my responsibility. But doesn't the White House have a blame in this? I don't know. Because they should have vetted him properly? Yes. Well, they did vet him, apparently, and he denied it. No, no, no. They do. The FBI came to them and said that's a guy

who's compromised. Yes. And he's a blackmail risk. And they still hired him. So they neglected their duty of what they should do. I started out by saying I recognize the White House

cannot have this guy. Right. But I'm wondering if that's because of, you know, he's a blackmail risk and because of the appearance he looks terrible. You're not news black, please. All right. African-American male. African-American male. But I'm wondering, but like, for instance, we see this in big corporations. Like if, if the vice president of Google had the same

situation, Google would probably be pressured to fire him. Yeah. Uh, and is it, and it's, and I'm just wondering, like I, I've been in these situations I've had people accuse someone of rape or this or that or stealing all kinds of things and I've always been like I don't know how to handle it because I can't investigate I can't call witnesses they're denying it

Heath is a tax chief well and then the other thing is that in his defense he's a proud one he's like Wesley Snipes the other thing is that In his defense, he's a proud one He's like Wesley Snipes The other thing is that And this is probably, I'm not alone here I know people who have been in violent You know, have hit women

I know people who have hit their children I hit my kid, so what? You gonna fire me? Give me the line up I had a pen It's interesting to me to have a conversation With people talking from the side of the perpetrator You going to fire me? Give me the line up I had a pen for. It's interesting to me to have a conversation with people talking from the side of the perpetrator. And I think because... Talking from the side of the person who has to pass judgment.

Yeah, but you're also talking about defending the perpetrator. You're not talking about someone coming to you and saying, I have been raped by X, right? You're saying that someone... I'm talking about somebody coming to me and expecting me to fill the shoes of really what the justice system is supposed to fill. And the problem, what I mean by the justice system, is that the justice system can force somebody to

testify. They have resources to investigate, to take both sides of the story. There's two separate questions. I have nothing but somebody's word. You could learn what you're supposed to do in these kinds of cases. I mean, there's two different questions. One is there's a moral compass.

No, it's not I could never know. Okay, you can have a moral compass. No, I could never know. When it's one person's word against the other, I could never know. Right, but you can say, like, if this is a problem, here's where you go to get a rape kit. Here's where you go to talk to this person. I did that. I've done that.

I've done that. And they didn't want it. In all decisions, when you decide whether to hire somebody in the first place, you're making decisions based on incomplete evidence. Such is the lot of the boss, that he has to make decisions on incomplete evidence. I can make that choice

and I have made those choices. As the boss, I have the right to do whatever, and if I feel that this person makes me uncomfortable, I will let them go. But now something's changed. Now society has kind of come to the point where they say, if they find out that I have decided not to fire somebody like that, now all of a sudden I have to answer, hey, why didn't you do that?

Why do you have a guy working for you who hit his wife five years ago? In very rare cases will anybody care what you do with a bartender or a waitress. This is a difference. Somebody will take to Twitter now and say, so-and-so did something to me, and no one in the commies ever refuses to fire them. And people will get riled and say, why didn't you fire them? I'm skeptical. Aren't they to be believed?

I'm skeptical they will ever come to that, where somebody is forcing you to fire a bartender because he has some domestic... No, no, no. It's getting closer and closer. That's what he's saying. As far as Aziz working here, you're quite right. There probably would be. So then we're not far away from it. Aziz is very high profile.

What he's saying is it's getting closer and closer. As a bartender. I know he's saying we're getting closer and closer. Wait a minute. The Comedy Cellar in itself is a brand. It's a big name. Yeah. So if a bartender's doing something, they would go with him. It's not that far to believe that they'd go with him and say, well, if the owner allowed this to happen.

I think we're a long way from a large public pressure being brought to bear on Noam because a bartender hit his wife and Noam's not firing him. I think you're wrong with that. Well, we'll see. Let's take another example, a high profile, Mark Halperin. Now, Mark Halperin, he was this journalist who,

when he was at ABC, was like poking his dick and stuff. You know what I mean. I do it all the time. Describe it. Describe us for it. Describe your method. But this is the thing which makes it...

This is the interesting thing about that case. Then, he got... According to what I've read, now there may be facts we don't know, but according to the facts on record, he realized he had a problem. He went and got therapy about this for many, many years,

and there has not been a reported case of it since he went to work for NBC. Now, you can roll your eyes, but that's all we know about. I'm so glad that he did that. I'm so glad that he got therapy. I'm so glad that he's, like, trying to get better. Like, I, you know...

Should he not work? It's not a question of should he not work. It is, because he's not working. First of all, we have no idea whether he's going to be fine in a couple years and he'll be working again. But will you support the people who hire him again or not? Do you think he should work? I mean, what makes me sad is more

that like, you know, when you talk about like Mark Halpern or someone like Harvey, I'm just going to... No, Harvey Weinstein is another. But go ahead. Okay. Well, all I'm going to say is... The justice system is going to take care of Harvey Weinstein. I hope so. I hope they do. But I do, you've got to like, or I feel bad for all of the people whose careers got sidelined

or sidetracked because of this person. That's just not what we're talking about. But that is part of it, right? And so that's where I'm feeling like... I'll tell you why it's not part of it. Because when you talk about the rights of an accused criminal, people bring up the victims and it's a distraction to focusing on the rights of the accused. We take it as a given that the murderer or the rapist or whatever in the justice system has done something

terrible and has a victim. Well, you have rights too. That's not true. I mean, we're in a system that theoretically is supposed to say that you are innocent until proven guilty. And if you look at the statistics on how many women's cases actually get proven, if you go through it,

it's actually very, very difficult. I'll give you a better example. They come in without a warrant and they get DNA that proves beyond a doubt that you're... You're looking for cases where it was screwed up. No, this happens all the time, though. This happens all the time. They come in without a warrant and they get the evidence that

catches the, whatever it is, the assaulter. And then it turns out they didn't have a warrant. And the ACLU says, listen, you have to let this guy go. The evidence was tainted. That's not because they don't care about his victim. And so what about the victim? It's like, please, yes, of course the victim's important.

But that's not what we're going to focus on here. We want to focus on the procedure because without these procedures, bad things happen to innocent people. And that's why you have to focus on procedure because without these procedures, bad things happen to innocent people. And that's why you have to focus on, they say good cases make bad law.

I mean, you know, and there's a lot, just like, there's just like a, everybody's out with the pitchforks because there's a tremendous like cathartic feeling

that finally these fucking guys are getting what they've always deserved. And I'm, for that, I've always been very intolerant of any type of sexual harassment in any place I ever owned. Like, I really, you don't know me. I am not on the wrong side of this.

But I'm also aware, what is being demanded now of employers? How long after the guy poked his dick at somebody in ABC does he remain radioactive? What if he denies it? There's no standards. Should Bill Clinton now resign from the Clinton Foundation?

The only answer is yes, of course. That's the only answer. I feel like it's a totally realistic discussion to have in terms of this because they're theoretical and yeah, sure. You should be calling for his head. There's no difference between Porter and Bill Clinton except Bill Clinton did much worse.

Right? Bill Clinton raped a woman. Oh. Alleged. As much as Porter. I mean, the evidence of Juanita Broderick is overwhelming. She reported it at the time. I'm not disagreeing with her case.

So why is he not the target, doubly, that Porter is today? I don't understand that. I want to get back to the bartender situation. There's no answer to that. I'll tell you the answer. It's politics. The answer is it's politics. And what we're seeing here is politics.

No, I think it's more than politics. I think it's just time. We're living in a different time than we were living in Bill Clinton. But he's still out there serving on boards of companies. That may change. Well, but I'm saying it won't change who is calling for his head. It's the same reason why, you know. Only Sean Hannity, but that's not going to get anywhere, right?

And you. And me. I'm just calling for consistency. Well, none of us have consistency. Consistency is like Trump is president now. Yeah. And after being on tape saying how he sexually harasses women. Oh, look how he's changing what he says when we're alone. He took notes.

No, Keith, get out of here. I'm done with you. We're alone. He took notes. He had the information. No, you know how it is. Oh, Keith, get out of here. I'm done with you. You want consistency. Yeah. But you don't exercise consistency. For example, when a comedian that you don't like doesn't dress right for New Year's Eve,

you freak out. Why is that not consistency? Because if anybody else, if somebody that you adore didn't dress right for New Year's Eve, you wouldn't care. No, that's not true. That is absolutely not true. You just wouldn't say nothing. I would too, but I wouldn't relish it. You wouldn't rant and rave like a lunatic. So we got it.

We're all basically phonies. We all, the point is we all let people slide that we like. If you like somebody, let them slide. It's just human nature. That is the complicated part. That right there that you hit on is like, oh, I can say, oh, but he's a good person.

And I think the hard part is when we're deciding by ourselves whether someone's guilty or innocent. We don't know the full story. That's right. But you know what people could do? I disagree with you on Alec Baldwin speaking out about Woody Allen. You know what I would do in that case? Not say something. If I don't know the answer, it is okay to say, I

don't know. I wasn't there. That's interesting, Alec Baldwin, because it's funny, and this, you could even look over all the shows. I have always been on the side that Woody Allen did it. Have I not? I guess. Not really. You've been swaying a little bit. I want to say that I love Woody Allen's movies. did it. Have I not? I guess. Not really. You've been swaying a little bit. I know.

I love Woody Allen's movies. Of course. It is painful. It is painful with Cosby. They're just fucking with me. Cosby was great with Cosby. That guy's been lecturing and pompous fool for decades. But he is lucky that basically no one died. You're going on?

That's how I feel. I read the Woody Allen court papers and and I came on there, and I said, he did it. I'm sure Dan did it. I said, it's overwhelming. I don't know that he did it, but it's overwhelming that he did it. The babysitter was not permitted to leave him alone without her. He had his head in her lap. She had no underwear on. I mean, there's so many things there which make it look very, very bad.

But Alec Baldwin, I only admired Alec Baldwin for the point that he came out and said, Listen, you believe one child, but the brother says that it's not true and you don't know. And he's right about that. And I admired that with all these people losing their careers and people signing petitions against Matt Damon, that he wasn't afraid to say what he felt, even if I don't completely agree with him. Because I feel like, and this is what Andrew Sullivan said. There are kids who are not getting health care right now. There are, like, dreamers who are going to get kicked out.

Like, really, that's the cause? Is, like, Woody Allen is, like, Well, this is a comedy podcast, so we tend to focus on Woody Allen. yeah because it's a comedy well this is a comedy podcast so we tend to focus on Woody Allen well it's a big thing right now I mean everybody's talking about Woody Allen

I know would you say that about the people who accuse Woody Allen I guess my larger point is like there's priorities and like I'm trying to look at it

from a systemic point of view but Alec Baldwin has a pretty good record on left wing causes we're trying to have a discussion that's interesting

we're trying to have a discussion that's interesting there's no discussion about children needing health care yeah they need health care I'm against we're trying to have a discussion that's interesting. We're trying to have a discussion that's interesting. There's no discussion about children needing health care. Yeah, they need health care. I'm against. We're trying to have a damn discussion. That's true.

I do try to pick out. No, but I admire that Alec Baldwin. I don't like Alec Baldwin. I never have. I think he's like a bully and just his vibe, you know. But he had a belief that is defensible. He's not saying anything stupid. He's saying something which a reasonable person could say.

At a time when saying it can get somebody ruined, and I just admired somebody breaking that barrier now. Anytime somebody comes out and says something that they think, even if it's unpopular, as long as it's not what I consider over the line of what any reasonable person could say.

And I think he did that. And Andrew Sullivan, similarly in the New Yorker, you probably read Andrew Sullivan. This week he talked about this campus thing and all that. And he talked about the difference between, and I had said this, between what people are saying behind closed doors about the Me Too stuff and what they're forced to say publicly. There's no nuance publicly. None. But see, that is the hard thing. As a female, I get criticized constantly by the left and the right. So I'm getting yelled at by two

I'm talking very extreme groups who have no nuance and no... But I'm not really talking about Republican and Democrat. I'm talking about people who lack any abstract reasoning skills. Basically. And just assume that having a conversation aloud and trying to figure these things out

therefore makes you either racist or sexist or classist or whatever it is. Both sides. So I agree with you. I'm tired of both sides. But I'm extra hard on the liberals because for some reason, I feel like it's like self-hatred because I should be liberal. Yeah, you should be. And they're ruining it for me because they're such horse's asses.

Why are they horse's asses? But, Dan, we're talking about the extremes, right? And at the same time, I completely appreciate what you're saying and agree with you, but the larger problem is they're not in charge. They have no leverage right now. Yeah, they canceled my father-daughter dance. First of all. Is that true?

No, they didn't, but they want to. I went on a father-daughter dance last month. You can't just dance with your daughter at home. But you can go with Rick Crome to the daddy twink dance. Do you have children? No. This is not extreme. These are wonderful moments, like a daddy-daughter dance.

I never did a daddy-daughter dance. And when some jackass in Washington is like, no, you're practicing gender discrimination. It's like, leave me the fuck alone. I'm having a daddy-daughter dance. We didn't have those. I'm not voting for you guys ever if you want to take away my daddy-daughter dance. Does the phrase daddy-daughter dance not sound a little perverted to anybody?

It sounds so creepy. That sounds creepy? A father-daughter dance? Father-daughter doesn't sound quite as creepy as daddy-daughter. I went for the alliteration. But I've heard it called a daddy-daughter dance, and it does sound a little bit creepy. I even had a thought that...

And who's DJing the daddy-daughter dance? It's a cisgender... Anyway. I had a thought that, you know, there's a good argument now for, and this is probably too much for this podcast, for a kind of unwinding of a lot of the things which have diluted federalism in the sense that the country's... Wait, tell me about that.

The country is so divided now culturally that it might... And you say, how are we going to hold together? It might hold together better if we were really living under state governments and state ethos, kind of like the way it used to be, then having Washington trying to homogenize this whole 300 million population country that just doesn't see eye to eye in how it wants to live.

So in Mississippi or wherever, let their state... We can seize the South. Is that what you're saying? It's not just the South. Let Pennsylvania, which is a pretty working cloud, let them have their

daddy-daughter dance. And if California doesn't want it, let California stop it. But stop these, let these get rid of these New York Jews in Washington reaching into communities and saying Well, first of all, but even that isn't a group anymore, right? I'm using it as a you know, as a, what do you call it?

As a word for it. Noam, how long do you give the United States as, in its current incarnation of 50 for it? Noam, how long do you give the United States as in its current incarnation of 50 states and a federal government, how long do you give this country until it's no longer in that form? I don't see it ending. The answer is 100 years.

Okay. Kurt, wrong. Why? Why, John McLaughlin? We're coming apart. Exactly, wrong. We're coming apart. Daddy Blue Blue.

What's that chick's name, that Italian chick with the Italian name? I'm not a big politic guy. You know, Polino, Polite? Maria Bartiromo. No, she said something about her grandson wants to be black, and she was so proud of him. Oh, Pelosi.

Pelosi. She said, oh, my grandson said I wanted to be brown like my friend, and I'm so proud of him. What kind of madness is this? You're fucking proud of your grandson because he's ashamed of who he is. He's not ashamed. He's not ashamed. I actually, go ahead.

You agree with that? First of all, Dan, how many Jewish guys do you know who are like desperate to have street cred? Come on.

Yeah, I did agree with it. Can you believe it? I can't believe it. I thought Pelosi got a bum rap. I'll tell you why I thought. First of all,

she's pandering, of course. And she, there's no question. But she's also saying white is, she's basically saying it's bad to be white. No, I didn't take it that way.

I'm going to tell you how I took it. That's how she meant it. Let me tell you how I took it. I took it at 30 years ago. There's no way a little white boy would have not gotten the message that you didn't want to be brown. But this boy is just naive

to the idea of color completely in such a nice way that he said, I wish I were that color. Totally with guileless about what the implications of that were. And that's a nice direction that the country is moving. Is he guileless? Am I right?

I completely agree with Noah. Is he guileless or is he absorbing the current ambiance? We don't know. We don't know. But I doubt it was a shame to be white. I doubt he was old enough to understand that. Well, I don't know. That seems't know. But I doubt it was a shame to be white. I doubt he was old enough to understand that. But, well, I don't know. That seems to be seeping into the culture.

A shame to be white? A shame to be white. This notion that white people should be horrified by everything that has happened. And I'm not a white man by any reasonable definition. You are paler than white, Dan. Be honest. I am Caucasian. My kids are mixed, but they're pretty white.

My wife's Indian and Puerto Rican. But if my daughter or my son, who's like the whitest one, said I wish I looked like so-and-so who was black, I would... I don't know if I'd go out and say I'm so proud of him. I wouldn't be proud of him. I'd say that's a nice, sweet thing that he doesn't... quote, not

see in color. You would give him the benefit of the doubt. And, like, the problem now is... What, are you ashamed of your white? Like, even now with this, like, it's so two-sided. I don't even think it's two-sided. I feel like the Democrats are, like, completely fractured. I think the conservatives are completely fractured.

Like, it doesn't feel like it's, like, a two-sided country right now. It feels like chaos. Steve, I want to say something. Well, you were actually really proud of your son when he didn't understand what black was. Remember, like, somebody... Oh, yeah, something like that happened. Yeah, yeah, chaos. Steve, I want to say something. Well, you were actually really proud of your son when he didn't understand what black was. Remember? Oh, yeah. Something like that happened.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody. Not understanding color is different than saying, I want to be another color. No, he's saying he liked the way his friend looked. He's not getting dreads all of a sudden. He just like. Even if he wasn't. Yeah.

Well, look. I took it to mean that he's absorbing, as I said. It could be. It could be right. I took it to mean that he's absorbing, as I said, what I feel is becoming a sentiment that being white is in and of itself a shameful thing. And I do feel that there's a lot of that sentiment going on. There is that sentiment. I just don't know if you can put it in a final. Could it not also be that he sees all the people on MTV or whatever. In music videos, all of the famous pop

stars are black now. All of the famous movie stars are black. So he associates being black with being cool. Pelosi is reprehensible. She's many times, oh, a bunch of white males, a bunch of white males, old white males. That disgusts me. And by the way, I thought of a kind of parallel with DACA. Isn't

one of the theories of DACA, rightfully, I agree with this, that you can't punish innocents, that these children are born in thisA. Isn't one of the theories of DACA, rightfully, I agree with this, that you can't punish innocents, that these children are born in this country. Can't you say the same thing about any white male? Like, what the fuck did I have to do with anybody white who did something bad? Like, why can I be blamed any more than a child

who was born here for illegal immigrants? You're still kind of responsible for the fact that your parents broke the law when they came here. No, every child is born innocent. White, black, brown, it doesn't matter. But it does go back to the, like, I agree with you partly, and then on another part of it, I'm kind of like, there's a question of, like, complicitness. And, like, you were asking, like, as a boss, like, where's my role?

And I don't think you should be asking other people that. I think you should be asking yourself that. I am asking myself that, but one of the ways I do that is by asking people what they think. I mean, I don't, you know... Veronica Mosey always has strong opinions on these matters. If she wants to express them,

we're certainly happy. Oh, you weren't listening? I thought you were listening to a bated breath. Oh, never mind. You're not getting banged up. Oh, yeah. You have some rights. So, anyway, so I think the...

I mean, I think that... I think, just to recap, Trump needed to get rid of Porter. Porter is a- We need to get rid of Trump. Porter's a creep. And you think President Pence will be better? No. Well, then that's what just-

But the only thing with Pence that is, like, slightly better is that there's a logical element to it. Like, I don't agree with anything that Pence, like, feels. You probably agree more with Trump. Maybe. It depends on, like agree more with Trump. Maybe. It depends on what mood Trump is in. Anyone who is tweeting about how big or small his penis is to North Korea, it's

over. This is a good way to frame it. If Trump pushed a button and the country could operate the way he wants it to, or Pence pushed a button and the country could operate the way he wants it to, I know you might not like either of them, but which would be worse? I think Pence's would be worse. I think that Pence's would be worse, but the only

reason I'm like, because I think about this all the time, I think about roofing all of them, and I think that with Pence, at least, you know what he's doing. There's some logic there, and even though I completely, listen, I would be dead. I would be dead from Mike Pence.

So what I'm saying, it's not logic that I agree with. Because I have a pre-existing condition. I'm a female who enjoys the company of having lunch with men. I'll even sit on an airplane next to a guy. That's how crazy liberal I am. We'd kill you for that.

Yeah, but you have to understand that Obamacare was not... If we're going to talk health stuff, I had to do, I had to research a ton for some appearances on TV. Yeah. People think Obamacare was like,

la, la, la, free, everybody's happy, wonderful. There was a lot of clauses that were complete bullshit. Oh, completely. But the response wasn't like, how do we actually fix this? I'll tell you one thing.

That was not the response. I'll tell you one thing. It was like, how do we just make it more comfortable? In terms of healthcare, this is not a solution, but I'll tell you that GoFundMe, if you... If people like you... You'll survive? If people like you, you can raise

a shit fucking ton of dough on GoFundMe. You should say that on stage. I've seen it happen. But it does bring up a point that people rely on friends and in the old days people relied on their community. I'm not saying GoFundMe is a solution

but I've seen people raise a fuck ton of dough on GoFundMe if you've got friends. You're not winning like I'm crazy. I mean, absolutely. It's just like the notion that community and friends and family can also step up to the plate. Yeah, but you have certain things that are so costly

and that it's not fair to kind of put on a boss or on friends. It makes no sense to me how small businesses should be paying healthcare for all of their workers. It's really expensive. Preach, sister, preach. It makes, it's just like, it's nonsensical. Even if you don't have a moral compass, it's nonsensical in terms of, like, dollars and cents.

People are gonna all have, now that we do genetic testing, everyone's gonna have a pre-existing condition, because assuming you have humans in your family, someone died of something and then they're going to be able to be like Amazon Jeff Bezos. My family. I'm going to raise your rates. I'll tell you what, people don't die in my family. They're miserable

the whole way. And they make everyone else miserable. But they stick around for a good while. They don't have any fun. Yeah, well anyway, this is the thing. Everybody's so worried about the midterms, but the truth is, at the height of their ability and their cohesiveness as

a one-party ruling of all branches of government, even then, they couldn't get rid of Obamacare. So the Republicans aren't, you know, they're not unified around the evilness as people would like to make them out to be. So I don't know what's going to change. I think, actually, if the Republicans, if the Democrats win the House, it's the worst thing that ever could happen to them.

Well, tell me why. Because I'm so worried that I think the Democratic Party, and I say this as a liberal, is going to implode. This is the reason. It's just because if they control the House, then it will be easy for Trump, I think, to call their bluff. Like he will propose, they can't just be the obstructionist party anymore, and he'll propose some sort of infrastructure, and it'll be awkward for them, and they might even have to, if Trump is smarter, they might even have to vote and pass something along with Trump.

And then all of a sudden they're making Trump look good, like he can govern, like he is the dealmaker that he claimed to be. And then he's going to run for re-election, and he's going to have a kind of a better case. Look, I had a Democratic Congress. I made a deal with them. That just happened right now, right?

Like Pelosi got slammed for the Dreamers and not like, you know, on one level she was talking about him. It was the longest speech since 1909. They're in a bind now. But they have the argument. But you guys are the majority, so what are you blaming? What happens when they don't have that argument anymore? When they can't even say, you guys control all that? now. But they have the argument, but you guys are the majority, so what do you blame me? What happens when they don't have that argument anymore? When they can't even say, you guys control all that?

No. It's like the Republicans, right? I'd say, you know what? The best bet for the Democrats to win the presidency is not to win back the House. That's what I think. When you say the word dreamers, I get the sense that you're saying that this is a word that you use to describe, you know, the children of illegal immigrants as dreamers. That's not her word.

That's what we call them. I'm saying, like, you're calling them... You may say that I'm a dreamer. You don't call them dreamers. They're citizens. No, that's the word. I know that's the word that everybody uses, but you're using it as though

you really think these people are something special. Okay, let's call you down as the brown interlopers. They're just like everybody else. Again, I don't think that they are the problem we need to be focusing on right now. I think we need to be focusing on things like Putin. I think we need to be focusing on things like health care. We can focus on all these things. What are you going to do about Putin?

What are you going to do about Putin? Everybody's talking out of their ass on Putin. Listen, I'm going to tell you the whole Russia thing. When I was saying when Trump said that Americans are dreamers too, and everybody gave him shit, actually, to me, that's one of the most sensical things he's ever said. Well, yeah. Oh, I don't give him shit for that.

If that's what you mean, yeah, yeah. Listen, it doesn't... How can you give Trump any credit for anything? Well, that's the problem. They can't give him credit for anything, and that doesn't sound... Because I am a Libra if you really want to know. That's how we think.

October 20th. He's Talmudic. That's how we think. I'm not going to condemn everything he says. How did you get... This is... You know, it looks bad

for Penn. Why is it? It looks bad for an Ivy League university. That I'm looking at both sides of an issue? To know that you graduated and know that most of us

couldn't get in there. Why does it make me look... What am I saying that you find so outrageous? That you're a Libra? That's what you got out of your expensive Ivy League education? Oh, I got a lot less than that. I learned about being a Libra at home.

I'm sad. I didn't even learn about... No, Penn was a horrible time for me. I didn't learn a lot, and I didn't study very hard. And I got terrible grades. And that's why... One of the reasons I'm in stand-up comedy. Can I cure the Russia problem for you?

Yes. You're aware that the Russians took Crimea? Yeah. Now, you know that Crimea was always Russian. Hear me out. You know it was always Russian. The only reason it became part of Ukraine was because Khrushchev transferred it to Ukraine in some sort of national demonstration. More importantly, everybody knows it's part of the fundamental national interest of Russia

because it's an outlet to the sea. Is it the Black Sea? I don't know. One of the seas. Point being, Russia is never, ever going to give back Crimea. Ever. Everybody knows that. So sanctions until Russia gives back Crimea are sanctions till the end of time. So anybody smart is thinking, how do we get ourselves out of these sanctions? But the fact is, as long as these sanctions are in place,

you can scream and yell at Russia, and they're going to try to hack every single election they can. So I believe if you really are worried about Putin, you have to make a deal, which is, okay, we're going to end the sanctions. You're going to agree to keep your nose clean going forward and no longer hack into our elections ever. And you need some sort of package. And that's what grownups need to do because you can stomp your feet and scream all you

want about Putin. We have no leverage. The only leverage we have over that man are these sanctions. And pictures of him with like topless on a horse. My husband dresses like that every weekend. I don't see what the problem is.

That's my back of the matchbook calculation on the Russian thing. What do we think we're going to do? Drop a bomb on Russia? You better not do that anymore. We have no leverage over them except the sanctions. But that's the problem with Trump threatening nuclear arms with North Korea.

It is so clear that he's in bed with Russia in really inappropriate ways. I don't think that he values how serious it is. How serious a threat Putin is. I don't think it's just about Crimea. I must Putin is. I don't think it's just about Crimea. I must certainly know. They don't seem to care.

Of course they care. We don't know what they're doing in the intelligence agency. Happy Valentine's, everybody, by the way. I don't think he colluded with Russia. I don't believe he colluded with Russia. Are you serious? I can't believe every dumb fact is leaked except the real important fact.

If they had the important fact, number one, it would have come out again. Number two, I'll give you another argument. If I was Mueller and I found out that the president of the United States was a Manchurian president, I wouldn't think I could sit on this because every day he's in office is an unacceptable national security risk. You need to get that out. You need to get that out immediately if you know that's national security risk. Yeah, I think he feels that way. You need to get that out immediately if you know that's true. Immediately. Well, no, no.

No, this goes back to what you were saying before. It's trying to create due process and to look at this in like a really effective way. No, listen, they have a tape recording or a fact or a bank statement or something. Yeah, but you know how— You bring it immediately and say, listen, we found this. Everything stops now. We have to impeach him now because tomorrow he could do something that we can never recover from. A lot of people feel that way.

But I'm saying if Mueller had him dead to rights, I don't see how they could sit on it if he's really in bed with Putin. Maybe I'm wrong. Well, maybe we need outside investigators. Maybe we can't rely on Congress and, you know,

Mueller. And now, I mean, I'm no conspiracy theorist, but the stuff that's coming out with these dossiers and Sidney Blumenthal and everything, I just... So then you don't believe it when people are bringing evidence forward? I haven't heard any evidence of anything. I've heard like there was a meeting where they offered some dirt on Hillary and then it kind of just went up in smoke. I mean, nothing for them to be proud of,

but it's not in bed with Russia. It was unsolicited from what we know about it, unless you know something else. It was just they got this call and they went to take the meeting and it lasted a certain amount of time and nothing came of it. Now, there could be more to it,

but I don't know anything more. So I don't know anything. Like, if you have an opinion that something more than that happened, that's just a matter of your religion. That's not something you can... That's like saying, you know, the earth is 3,000 years old. You just know it, but I don't know how you know it.

It's like when you go back to the Mike Pence versus Trump thing. At least with Pence... And again, Pence hates every single bone in my body. He still sees my horns from being Jewish. They are there, and he wants us all to go to Israel and have it explode.

That's such a terrible thing to say but I'll let that slide. But that's what he's hoping for. That the Messiah will come if we all... Well, we're all hoping the Messiah will come. There's only one party that booze Israel at the conventions, just for the record. And that's a democratic convention. But go ahead.

Okay, I'm going to pretend that does not happen. It's true. Go ahead. Because it's not true. But at least with him, he doesn't have all these hotels and all these golf courses. There's so many different things going on with Trump where he's advertising constantly for his companies, and you never know. We don't believe Pence is corrupt. No, I may disagree with everything he has to say, he's like advertising constantly for his companies and you never know. We don't believe Pence is corrupt. I don't know.

I think he might. I may disagree with everything he has to say, but no, I do not think he's corrupt. And there's no part of Trump that I feel like is kosher in any capacity. Ironically. How long do you think Trump is going to last? I'm beginning to think he's going to last at least four years. I know, maybe eight. I don't think he'll last eight, but I wouldn't say it's ridiculous. I could go either way. I think even

moderate Republicans, though, they don't like him. I think a lot of people are embarrassed, and I'm just kind of like, what's going on? This is not... Everybody's embarrassed. No Republicans I know like him. That is totally true. Either they wanted cheaper taxes, basically, and voted for him, because they just have no soul, and they have

a lot of money, or they're racist. My father is extremely ultra-conserv basically, and voted for him because they just have no soul and they have a lot of money, or they're racist. My father is extremely, like, ultra-conservative, and he was, and even he said he's 80, and he was like, yeah, you know, I think, uh, I voted for his policies, but I think he's a bit of a psychopath. I was like, oh, wow. My dad says that.

That's pretty... But they like the policies. Yeah, it's the policies. That's the problem. Well, most people are single voters. Oh, shit. Who's the waitress, by the way, for the comedians tonight? I need to order my roast chicken now because it takes a half hour. I want it to be done by the time. Mert, can you get the waitress if it's possible?

What's her name again? The comedy waitress. Hello, my sweet. Yes, I'd like the roast chicken. And I'd also like carrots and asparagus and the horseradish potatoes. Yes. She and I actually agree on the fact that Trump is not a racist. I'm trying to work it.

Keith. Thank you. And that's it. And nothing to drink. We'll agree. Katie. Wait, hold on. Let me give you a tip.

That is not true at all, but I did wear my dance coat clogs so that Keith could make fun of them because Keith always makes fun of my feminist shoes. Can I just say something here? Yes. Can I have $10 back, please? Yes.

Very, very. What is it, Dan? That was a $100 bill, by the way. $10 back. Okay, am I single? Obviously. It's Valentine's Day, everybody. Let's lighten it up a bit.

Okay, we've got to wrap it up. Go ahead. Lighten it up. The rest of us, I think, are alone. Well, Noam had dinner with his wife. Yeah. And they're trying to keep that together as best they can. Keith, are you with anybody?

I just got off the flight. Are you with anybody right now? Do you have a Valentine? No. You don't have Valentine. So you're all alone. He's here with you, Dean. That's all that matters.

There you go. Well, to know it's a bro Valentine. It's a bromantine. Valentine. Veronica's, of course, married with children. What did your hubby do for Valentine's Day? Nothing. I told him not to.

I was like, I don't really care that much. You really don't care? No, I'm not a big Valentine's Day person. That wasn't preemptive? Like, you probably knew he wouldn't do anything anyway, so let me just tell him he doesn't have to. No, no, no. That sounded like that.

He always buys chocolate and flowers, so I'm like, just don't. No, she's having enough with your fucking chocolate and he doesn't have it. No, no, no. That's not like that. He always buys chocolate and flowers. I'm like, just don't. No, she's having enough with your fucking chocolate and flowers. I get it. And Katie, you're single now? I don't really care. It's rote. I mean, now.

What do you mean always? I'm not doing spots. Just kidding. I'm really kidding. I'm sorry. We're all talking at the same time. You're single? Yeah.

How old are you? Old enough for you not to ask. Oh, come on. I'm kidding. Ask me now. How old are you, Keith? 38. Keith looks like he's 25.

Who cares? There you go. That's what I'm talking about. Katie, you were dating a man. I remember a black guy you were dating a while back. Yeah. I stayed in that relationship

way too long because the sex was so good. I don't like to hear you say that, Katie. I don't have that. No guy likes to hear that. You're like a sister to me. Everybody stays in a relationship longer than they should. I don't like to hear you say that, Katie. I don't have that. You're like a sister to me. Everybody stays in a relationship longer than they should. I know, but not because the sex is usually

that good. I mean, it was just divine. You should get married. That'll all stop. Don't worry about it. Okay, good. If you get married, then you'll just want to worry about the good sex thing happening because you won't care anymore. I'm ready for it. Wow. Katie, are you actively looking? She reminds me of my wife. Katie, are you actively looking? Listen, I don't mean to be, but you're just tired. I'm ready for it. Wow. Katie, are you actively looking? I know she reminds me of my wife.

Katie, are you actively looking? Listen, I don't mean to be, but you're just tired. I'm not actively looking. Why are you not actively looking? Is a black man your thing now? No. Whoa.

Tell the truth. Katie, once you go black... No, no, no. You learned your lesson. Once you go junior, come right back. We just said that sex is not going to be a major priority.

No. No. No. She got jungle fever, Keith. How long were you guys together? We were together for like three years. Three years. Why did you break up? Because he was completely emotionally unavailable.

He wanted to marry a woman of color, which I understand. Why do you understand that? That's racist. Wait a minute. You want Jordan knowing that this is what he wanted? I'm telling you, that's not racist. Is that amazing?

No, why is that racist? I only want to marry a white woman? It's his preference. That's your preference. Okay, preference. He wanted to marry a woman of color.

Yeah. He wanted to marry someone who had more in common with him. I don't think it's racist, but I think that it's good for the goose, good for the gander. I think anybody should

be able to say that. Go ahead. Yeah, I mean, I want to marry. Who do you want to marry, Keith? The anatomy man. That's who you want to marry. No, I want to marry a nice young lady. About around 21, 22 years old.

She's going to love you. Fertile? Yeah. You want to want another kid? Yeah, I can take three more. Three more? Three more? Yeah, I went to the doctor.

I got three more in me. Three more in the chamber. Yeah. Well, you can freeze your sperm also just in case. No, it's good. It's still good. It's good to go. Yeah, it's good.

I froze my eggs. You did? Yeah, I want to sell them at a farmer's market. I was like, what happened? There's going to be like freezer burn on them and stuff. Can I ask you this without being me too'd or whatever? Would you have my babies? Two of them.

I only want to give you two. If I could. I don't want to say one for somebody else. You said you froze your eggs. Oh, you want to use the eggs? You're welcome to. Really? Yeah.

I'm welcome? Next week on the podcast, let's get a pizza dish. Just put it out. How many eggs did you freeze? Two. You give them both to Keith Robinson? I mean, there are no uses in life. What the hell is wrong?

Wait, where are they right now? They're in your freezer. Were you that cheap? You haul storage. I mean, they're at NYU. Wow. You only freeze two eggs? So they're going to be liberal eggs.

Dan, I only froze that many because that's how many came out. I can't afford to do a second round. It's really expensive. Now, what do I do? Go fund me. Keith will pay. I don't have enough friends. Keith has got a deal now with Kevin Hart. He. It's really expensive. Now, what do I do? Go fund me. Keith will pay. I don't have enough friends.

Keith has got a deal now with Kevin Hart. He'll pay for the eggs. Oh, good. Now, how do I do this? Do I go to NYU, knock on the door? Say, Lazarus said I could have her eggs. Is that some sort of passcode? Would you carry the baby?

No, I can't. You can't even carry the baby? No. Well, find somebody to carry it. Yeah, maybe you can, Dan. I can't carry it. I even carry the baby? No. Well, find somebody to carry it. Yeah. Maybe you can, Dan. I can't carry a baby. I heard that there are men who can carry a baby. Men can carry babies.

Yeah, at the end of your dick. Right at the end of your dick. So you're going to get a surrogate to carry your little half-black baby? No, probably. If I'm lucky enough, I'll meet someone who has kids or I'll adopt, if I'm lucky. It's not fertilized. Yeah, those eggs are not fertilized. Yeah, those eggs are not fertilized.

I understand that. All right, well, you just said something. Keith will fertilize and then a surrogate will... Okay, okay, okay. I wasn't sure

if you were talking about getting the egg and just juggling. What do you mean by fertilized? It's not a baby. I'm kidding. I know.

Listen. I got a five on my AP bio. How many people are going to have omelets tonight? None. Brown eggs.

I am. Anyway, well, all right. So anything else? Tell us more about the sex with the black guy while we have a few seconds to kill a few minutes. How amazing it was. What was it amazing about? Was it your first black guy? It made me feel like I was having underwhelming sex before then.

That's what I'm asking. Did he shine among many black guys that you've been with or just like been with a bunch of white guys and then the black guy and oh my God.

She's been with a lot of white guys too. Yeah, but if you're with Puerto Ricans that's a tough toss up though. Puerto Rican men can really are good.

Go to downtown in Florida. Yeah, they're amazing. You know, I've been given good reports not to toot my own horn. They're paid to tell you what you want to hear, Dan. Oh no, I've been given good reports, not to toot my own horn. They're paid to tell you what you want to hear, Dan.

Oh, no. I've been given good reports. But what was it that made this? I want to see Dan's yelp review. Exponentially better than the last. You were very good. You were very good. He was just really.

We were so big. He was comfortable in his own skin. And, like, he loved sex. He was just a very comfortable in his own skin kind of guy. I think I dated a lot of neurotic Jewish guys who were, like like not comfortable in their own skin. Oh, that's a problem. Those damn Jews. Don't lump me into that category. Although I am neurotic.

And Jewish. And Jewish. I do know how to. Dan always thought he was erotic and Jewish. Show a girl a good time. And I don't go. How do you show a girl a good time, Dan? Enthusiasm.

Spirit. Spirit. And also, I don't go, and I don't. How do you show a girl a good time, Dan? Enthusiasm. And. Spirit. Spirit. And also, I don't come fast. Oh. That don't mean nothing. I don't like that. Keith does.

Sometimes I like to just get it done. Do you want, my neighbors upstairs have sex and they sound like they're, it's a washing machine. I swear to God. This is what you hear. Bug-a-da, bug-a-da, bug-a-da, bug-a-da, bug-a-da, bug-a-da, bug-a-da. And then once in a while, the girl will go, it's the most fucking annoying thing ever.

And I'm always like, can you finish? It's like fucking 45 minutes of pounding. Who wants to be pounded for 45 minutes? Stop being a player hater. I'm not. But I don't want to. Do you ever want to be pounded? She has things to do.

No, no, but pounded for 45, pounded. Not a combination of foreplay and all kinds of fun stuff. I'm talking about just plain old pounded for 45 minutes. No, you know, maybe she likes it that way. That's what I'm saying. Maybe they have a washing machine up there. That I'm telling you. That I'm telling you.

Where does the uh sound come from? If he wants to go down on me for 45 minutes, that sounds lovely. Yeah, that's a different story, yes. And do the dishes and do the wash. All right. Sorry. I like this. Come on, keep it going.

The Valentine's edition. The show's getting interesting. So, okay, lastly, if you could describe the one thing that made this guy that you stayed with too long because the sex was so good different sexually than all the other men that you'd been with in your life? What was this one quality which he exceeded the other men on? I'm going to tell you what it was before she even answers.

She is more in love with him than he was with her. Did he get that right? I mean, it could be true. I think that I probably dated a lot of underwhelming characters, and so there he stood out. Because they only got better after that, I will say.

Like, I progressively dated better guys after that. Sexually? In every capacity. Makes it low self-esteem. Absolutely. And you're a female? It was a comedy? That's so crazy.

A lot of times good sex is just a question of not so much of technique or of physical movements, but of just mindset. And if you were into him more, the sex is going to be better. If you're not turned on by him, no matter how physically gifted he might be. But there is a physical gifted side to sex. Come on. There is a physical side. There is also very much a psychological side.

The physical don't last that long. Three years. For a guy, definitely not. Yeah. But for a girl on my left. She was chasing it. She loved this dude. He put her to a one-time good, and then she was real, uh.

It's like automatic pilot. She was chasing it, yeah. So in college, you got to do really well on your first essay or exam and then hope that you get graded on automatic pilot. Could be. So that's what you're saying about sex, that the guy has to be, like, super good the first time and then after that. There is something to that. There is something to that. Because if you're super good the first time, if the next time you're not so good, they won't judge you as harshly because you've already proven yourself.

First impression. They might even blame themselves. I do that like I do comedy. I start out good and then like mediocre the rest of the time. And 15 years later, he's still riding. He's still getting spots on it. What are you talking about? I saw him in 1979.

He killed. Let me show you the star search reel. All right. Well, that was fun. I don't know. For some reason, the way you were describing to me, I thought you were going to come in here all with guns ablaze. See me with a gun?

Was she part of your mandate, Stephen, to find a crazy feminist? No, we were told to get off the Me Too thing. He books people, and I don't even know. Why did you book us, Steven? What was your thinking? It's a great guest. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, I read a cool article.

Which one? Oh, I don't remember. And I pitched it to Dan, and Dan said yes. Oh, Dan said yes. I don't even remember. And you keep saying this, like, people don't like the Me Too thing. You got one email about that. But it was from an important person.

Now you sound like someone with low self-esteem. What was the email? What was it? Get off the Me Too stuff. I'm sick of this Me Too stuff. Was it was from an important person. Now you sound like someone with low self-esteem. What was the email? What was it? Get off the Me Too stuff. I'm sick of this Me Too stuff. Was it Harvey Weinstein? I think that Me Too is the gift

that keeps on giving in terms of interesting discussion. There's so many I mean now we got Scott Baio now accused not just of Nicole Eggert but of another

one of the Powell kids. Charles in Charge was not bad enough. Dude, I had a poster of him and would have killed for him to be in charge of my virginity. Is that Charles? Yes. He was a beautiful young boy. You wanted Charles in Charge of you? I did.

I was waiting for you to do the same thing. If it was a 14-year-old girl with a hot, I'm sorry, guy with a hot chick, right? Same ages. Nobody would have batted an eye. But the thing is, like, everything was inappropriate. Like, everything. I have,

there were so many teachers in my school dating students. Yeah, same here. One of my soccer coach in high school married the star soccer player. Matt Grohl. She was 17.

He was like 35. Not bad. It was a, like, I'm not excusing it, but I am saying that it was a completely inappropriate time. Yeah, but I mean, it was a lot. Well, don't hire men to babysit your kids. They're not babysitting in high school. No, I'm saying Charles and Charles.

That was such a leap. Like, you just went from like. No, I'm getting back to Charles and Charles. Who's a nut? No, no, no. This is the thing. You don't have shitty television shows. I really don't understand why people wait so long. I don't understand why a woman, I will say this,

would have contact with someone who she felt sexually assaulted her or whatever. I don't understand why she had continued contact with him in different situations throughout their career. So you don't believe her? You're skeptical. It's okay to be skeptical. No, no. So you don't believe her? I believe,

I believe. You're skeptical. It's okay to be skeptical. No, no, no. What I'm saying is I believe that now she looks back and says that was inappropriate. I think at the time

she just felt she was fucking around with somebody and it wasn't a big deal. Now she looks back and is like, whoa, I was really young, which is,

I guess that can happen. But I'm saying, why would you, if you really felt this, why would you continue it? I think if you look at Rob Porter's wife or something like that, if you look at domestic abuse, that's a whole different thing.

And those people are in a really screwed up traumatic cycle. Well, yes. It's also a woman being, yes, absolutely. I think we would do it. This is counterintuitive in a way, but I think we would do a lot more good if we worried less about the inappropriate things and worried about the real fucking criminal, coercive

dudes who are forcing women either professionally, with violence or without to do stuff they don't want to do. I don't think we have enough bandwidth to start that. Well, you, like the Aziz thing and all the things like that. The things which could have been handled in one way or another women saying, no, I don't want to. You know, leave those aside.

I don't think that's our big problem with society. It's the guys who are taking advantage of their position or their strength or whatever it is and forcing women to do things they really don't want to do. If Bayo did what he's accused of, he was taking advantage of his position.

If he was indeed doing those things, as an older man who was kind of, not her boss, but I think was the star of the show, one might argue that he was indeed doing those things, as an older man who was kind of, not her boss, but I think was the star of the show, one might argue that he was taking advantage of his position. Possibly. I don't know the facts. Possibly. But I'm just saying, like, when I hear inappropriate, oh, it was inappropriate, well, you know, what can I do? But, like, when you have the gymnastics teacher, like, a hundred... It was, if he did those things, it was criminal. It was criminal if he did do those things.

So his criminal, that's not inappropriate, it was criminal. It was criminal if he did do those things. So his criminal, that's not inappropriate. That's criminal. But back to what you were talking about with justice system and media or whatever. You know, Megyn Kelly's big thing is now just everybody that comes out as a victim is on her show the next day. And she had Tony—I always want to say Tony Danza. I confused the two of them. I'm sorry, but who's the boss? You never know.

Scott Bale? Who's the boss? Scott Bale. She had Scott Bale? Who's the boss? She had Scott Bale on? She had the woman on. Nicole Eggert. Nicole Eggert. Well, you don't remember her name, but we remember her name because we were all in love with her at the time. Do you remember Pinky Tuscadero? Yeah, I remember.

She babysitted me when I was a child. Is that true? Yeah. That's how old I am. That should be on your IMDb. He doesn't have one I do have one I absolutely do I think we're going to wrap this up I don't get to tell you the stories about the Comedy Central thing

But I guess I'll tell you You have to still tune in Tune in next week Good night everybody What happened? Hello?