The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Che & Cipha

Episode Date: June 23, 2016

Che & Cipha

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hello, you're listening to The Comedy Cellar Show on Raw Dog 99. This is the voice of Dan Natterman, so that means only one thing. Regular listeners know that when I do the announcements, that means that Noam is not here. Right. And in this case, he is on vacation with his racially mixed family in Israel. Attending a wedding, right? No, I don't think, Izzy, I don't know that.

Yeah, I think it's Dorit's daughter. Oh, maybe it is. Dorit, who used to work here, she was a manager or something? Yes. There's some music in the background. What's that music in the background? Can we turn that down a little bit? It's kind of strange. We don't music in the background. What's that music in the background? Can we turn that down a little bit? It's kind of strange.

We don't usually hear the music. Yeah, here inside the Comedy Cellar, they're playing music a little louder than we would prefer. By the way, have you ever been to Dallas? No, I haven't. I was just there. Well, last week I was there for a corporate gig. As you know, that's how I earned the bulk of my income. Correct.

Through corporate gigs because it's, they're basically you go, you do your gig, you leave. There's not, it's not a whole weekend like a comedy club is. Right. Which for various reasons I don't do very often. So I'm always curious about this. How do you get corporate gigs out of state? How do they, do they, does somebody show them tapes of people? Well, I have a manager.

I have a manager with a website and and I call up, and they say, we want somebody for this. Sometimes they know who I am. That's rare. More often, they just go to the, you know, they're Googling comedians and corporate, and the website comes up, and they call my manager, who also has a booking agency, and they say, who do you got? And my manager will send several tapes, and they'll say,

well, we like this guy. Oh, so they do send tapes. They get to see clips and stuff. They send clips. Yeah, or a link. Whatever. And they say, well, you know, what's your price range? And here's what we got in that price range. I'm in the non-famous price range.

You know, it goes up. It's all about fame. But you've got to be somewhere in the middle. I mean, you've got some decent TV credits and appearances. No, any lower they just don't hire generally for corporate gigs. There's a certain level. I think there's a certain minimum level of credits that you need to be in that market. Got it.

And I think I'm at the minimum. I'm not sure. But anyway, I was in Dallas, and I did take the time to go see where Kennedy was shot. Okay. Because I'd never seen that before. It's very interesting. You know, Dealey Plaza. Yeah. They got an X on the street.

Do they? Right where Kennedy was shot. Interesting. And people are taking, it's a little bizarre. People are taking pictures on the X. Is that the only marker? Do they have other points marked? Like where the potential shooter might have been?

Well, they do. But there's a museum in the school book depository. Okay. On the sixth floor. But it costs 15 bucks to get in. Oh, come on. So I decided not to do it. But, you know, the school book depository is the...

Well, next time you know you book a gig in Dallas, they got to include an entry to the museum. You roll that into the fee. That's a good idea. Roll it into the fee. But, you know, the school book, you've heard of the school book depository. That's where Oswald... And I assume that when you go up there, there's a museum.. You've heard of the school book depository. That's where Oswald... And I assume that when you go up there, there's a museum.

It's no longer called the school book depository. It's called like the... I don't know what it's called. I'm not sure if it's used for anything. Other than being a historical site. Other than being a historical site. But I got to thinking, are there any other school book depositories?

Or is that the only... Because whenever you hear the word school book depository, that's the only... What does that mean? That's like a place where you drop off books. I think it means where the city or state puts its school books. The ones that they hand out and then collect back? Yeah, they kind of stick them somewhere, but I figured...

I didn't know there was a special building for those. Well, now they just make you buy the books, I think. Although I guess in grammar school they give them back. I don't think you buy the books. But I just figured... And not in elementary. I never thought where they put the... And where do they put the protractors?

I don't know. And the... You need a padded room for those. And the lollipop sticks for arts and crafts. They're a separate depository. And the teacher's edition probably goes in there.

But I think our schools, we just stored them in the class. I just figured they put them in the class. I didn't even need the whole building. I don't know. But then you're talking about cities where their elementary schools have thousands of kids in them. Well, New York, I don't know that New York has a school book depository.

No, I don't think we do. I think everything's on Kindle now anyway. Well, our public schools are sharing one book amongst eight kids anyway. Oh, is it that bad here? I grew up in the suburbs. We had our own books. And then you write in the back your name. Yeah, is it that bad here? I grew up in the suburbs. We had our own books. And then you write in the back, they'd be like,

you write in the back your name and then like it'd be 10 years of other people. Right, right. You know, 10 years of before you. It was like historical in that sense. I think everything's online now. I think it's all Kindle now. I don't know if in the public schools,

I know my niece is in college and I think most of her books were on Kindle. Now all these parents complain about heavy backpacks. The kids can't carry books. They have to roll around those stupid suitcases and stuff. But if it's in Kindle, then you don't have that problem. That's what I'm saying. So now most things that can be are electronic.

Speaking of back, a couple of weeks ago, my back was... Out of whack. I had back pain. It's better now. That's the good news. Did you figure out why? My guess is I just slept wrong. I don't know.

But the good news is it's gone. The bad news is now I have no more excuse not to go to the gym. For a couple of weeks, I was really enjoying saying to myself, well, I should go to the gym, but I better wait. Well, now you've still got to take it easy because you don't want to re-injure yourself. That's true. Think about that one. It's very tough when you break gym momentum to go back to the gym.

I'm in one right now. You're in a what? A gym hiatus. Unelected. Not forced. Well, why are you in a hiatus? Mine was due to injury. What's your excuse?

Mine is due to being overworked. My boss got fired, and so I'm currently doing two jobs. You don't make a living from this show? No, actually, I don't. No one owes us money, by the way. Didn't he say a couple weeks ago? Yeah, he mentioned it and then just never brought it up again. By the way, also happy birthday to Lou Witsky, who is our producer.

Oh, it's his birthday? It is, and I'm not going to reveal his age because I don't know that he wants me to. But I can only say that he looks a lot younger than he really is. And we do wish happy birthday to Lou Witsky. So that means it's also his brother's birthday. His brother who's here with him, who's his brother, Will. Twin brother. They are twins, although heterozygotes.

Got it. Not fraternal. No, fraternal is heterozygotes. Got it. Not fraternal. No, fraternal is heterozygotes. No, they are fraternal. Right. We have some great guests tonight lined up. Yes. Michael Che, the first African-American Weekend Update correspondent.

Although I'm not sure that that's necessarily... Is that a big deal that he's the first African-American Weekend Update correspondent? Yeah, why not? Well, because... Firsts are big deal that he's the first African-American Weekend Update correspondent? Yeah, why not? First are big deals no matter what. No, I mean the first, like for example, Steve Harvey is the first Family Feud host that's African-American, and nobody considers that significant. Well, because Family Feud is

not anywhere near as significant as SNL to TV history. Right, but my point is the first is Weekend Update in and of itself significant enough? Yes. Oh, here's Michael Che now. It is. Michael, we were just talking about you. But we were saying you're the first African-American

Weekend Update correspondent. That's true. But now I was also posing the question, is that considered a significant thing? I don't think so. I honestly never thought of it as so until people would say it. I'd be like, I guess.

But because it's, I don't think it's a job that was exclusively for any color. Yeah, it's just the fact that there's been a lot of black cast members on SNL and that kind of covers everything. Well, yeah, I think there's usually two a season. This time there's like four or five, but typically it's like two a season, and there's usually about 10 to 12 cast members, so the odds are not necessarily in the favor, and it's also a job that somebody usually does for

at least four or five seasons, so it just, you know, I don't know. America wasn't crying out for an African American Weekend update. I don't think they were. I think after Obama, it's hard to be the first black guy that's impressive. I'd have to be like, I don't know, what could you be the first black guy that makes sense? You know, they've never had a black letter turner on Wheel of Fortune.

They never had another letter turner, period. They have. That's where you know nothing. Who? There was somebody before Vanna White. Oh, really? Was there really? Yeah. Wow. Back in the day. That's like in know nothing. Who? There was somebody before Vanna White. Oh, really? Was there really? Yeah.

Wow. Back in the day. That's like in the early 1900s. Was she black? No, she was not. And so, you know. But you guys are on hiatus now, though, I believe. We're on break for a few months.

So I get to just do stand-up and talk to you guys. Well, we thank you for giving us your time. Thank you for letting me join. I always love being on here. Well, I'm always shocked when people of your stature agree to do the show, and I sometimes wonder whether you're just being nice. No, I love this.

Feel free to say no. No. I had nothing to do. Okay, well, in that case, and happy It's also because Dan longs for the day that he's famous enough to say, fuck you and your podcast. I'm not doing this show. There's only like

four or five podcasts I would do. I don't do them all, but I'd have to actually know the people that do it and have some sort of respect for them in that way. And also, I've done this, I've bombarded this place so many different times. I think I've been here like four times.

Yeah, usually you come on, but you're not like an actual book guest. I just came for a spot. You just were in the area and we said, hey Mike, why don't you have a seat? Yeah, exactly. So you're on hiatus. This was a question that crossed my mind. Now recently, we had the horrible shooting in Orlando.

And I was wondering, yeah, we had the horrible shooting in Orlando. And I was wondering... Yeah. Are you looking? Oh, okay. I was looking for Lorne. No, I was wondering whether you would have... You're on hiatus anyway. Seifer, do you want to have a seat?

Seifer sounds, everybody. I believe you guys... See, this is what I would usually do. Yeah. I would just be hanging around, looking at my phone. I think you guys work together, don't you? Yeah, a lot of times. Me and Michael Che?

I believe so. I do have the pleasure of working with him. You're his opening act? Sometimes, yeah. Nobody wants to take me under their wing. Have you noticed that? I don't know that you fit in this particular group. I'm not saying here.

In all fairness, Cypher booked me before I ever booked him. Years before. No, I'm not saying that you should include me. I'm saying that in general, nobody has decided to lift a helping hand to Dan Natterman over the years. I think... Like Louie never asked me to open for him. I feel like they think you don't need it, which is what people also feel about me. I think that's true.

Which I hate. There's a lot of times when I'll be considering like, oh man, I wonder who could do this. And I'm like, ah, they probably wouldn't want to do it just because, I don't know. I hear what you're saying, and it makes sense. But if it pays, you know, then if it's a good paycheck. No, that's the thing. Lately, if I say to myself, nah, he probably wouldn't want to do it, I ask. Because I hate when people say that about me,

and I go, I was home doing nothing. I would have loved to have done that. I would have canceled what I was doing to do what you asked. Yeah, same with me. A lot of times people, like Hannibal would do that with me. Like, I figured he probably wouldn't want to do it. Michael, would you like to open for me at a temple in Staten Island? Oh, my God, nothing more than taking a boat to a temple.

$300. Are you kidding me? Exactly. A boat. The rabbi is giving us a lift. A real exodus. I wanted to talk about the Orlando shooting because... Aren't you glad you sat down?

Wow. Well, because I think it's very relevant because as comedians, whenever these horrible events happen, there's always like, should we talk about it? Can we talk about it? And would you even touch that on SNL? I mean, that would you just kind of not even address? We wouldn't touch it the day of or the week of, but we would. Our trick, well, not trick, but like our thing is if it's too sensitive,

we try to find the argument against it, like the argument that it opens, the discussion that it opens, and talk about the discussion, not necessarily the tragedy. Oh, like gun control. Exactly. So you talk about gun control. You talk about homophobia. You'll talk about the way it's been reported, the way the media is handling it, the way the candidates are talking about it. Not necessarily the exact tragedy. We wouldn't speculate or we wouldn't say anything that's, you know.

Maybe like the Orlando Tourism Board. Yeah. Something like that. We wouldn't make any of the millions of gay puns that we have in our heads. We would never do that on TV. No. But we would also have to do something. Has anybody talked about it in their act?

I haven't really heard. I haven't heard it at all. I don't think. I mean. There's ways to do it. I mean't really heard. I haven't heard it at all. I don't think... I mean... There's ways to do it. I mean, after 9-11, Chris Rock... Of course. You know, did a whole thing,

20 minutes worth of 9-11 shit. Yeah, I mean... There's just a way to do it. You have to treat it... But I'm sure he did it in a dark basement amongst, you know, 200 people and not necessarily the day of, you know, on national TV. No, not on TV, but he did it at the, I saw him at the comic strip.

And what he, you know, the trick is you don't make fun of it. What you do is you talk about our emotions and our reaction to it. You can talk about the emotions. I think with stand-up, there's a longer leash. With stand-up, you can talk about your emotions. You can talk about things like that. But you got to understand, on our show, for my job specifically, my job is only 12 minutes. And that's not including features.

That's not including Colin. It's just, in total, I maybe have four minutes on TV. So if I say something in two minutes, it's so slight that it always, I can never win. Because it's not enough that I can cover everything where I can show that I understand the emotion, still make it funny, still make a point, you still be silly. Like, you can't do all of that in two minutes. Right.

You know, so you might as well not even bring it up because it'll never be fulfilled. Now, if you're Jon Stewart and you have 30 minutes to fill where you can go through it, you know, bit by bit, then it's a little bit easier. If you're doing a stand-up and you could talk about it fill where you can go through it bit by bit, then it's a little bit easier. If you're doing a stand-up and you can talk about it for 15 minutes or 20 minutes, then it's something that people feel a little bit more, they don't feel cheated.

But for me, it'll be so slight because I don't have much time. Yeah, I can't come up with a one-liner about a mass shooting. It's like, it sucks, you know? I found that, oh, I'm sorry, Chris. No, just to say, but how does that work as far as writing goes?

Do you have crisis response teams or people that are ready to go when something happens? Because I would assume a lot of that stuff is prepared in advance. That's why we go more toward the discussion that it opens, because then it's kind of more stock stuff. There's a lot of stuff you can say about gun control. There's a lot of stuff you can say about homophobia. There's a lot of stuff you can say about politicians using this There's a lot of stuff you can say about politicians using this as, you know, for one way or the other, the way the media

is covering. There's a lot of things you can say about that that's not necessarily so sensitive right now. But if you're talking directly about the tragedy in two minutes and trying to be funny, you're going to sound like a dick. So it's a little harder. I found that in my stand-up, I've avoided the past

week even talking about, even mentioning the word gay. Like, I have jokes that, I don't make fun of gay people, but I have jokes about, you know, like, gay bars have funny names like the manhole. Right. And I won't even tell those jokes. I feel it's just even mentioning the word gay is too senseless. Yeah. I feel you. Like, your senses go up with those certain jokes that you already have for years or however long.

And then there's a certain word that you're like, oh, the timing won't work because of what's happening in the universe right now. You know what I'm saying? You can't say gay or gun or whatever. Florida. Right. Yeah, there was somebody here from Florida the other night. And I forgot who was on stage.

I forgot who the emcee was. So he or she said, where are you from? And the guy said, Florida. And he said, where in Florida? I'm like, if this motherfucker says Orlando, we're in big trouble. But it wasn't. It was some other town.

But even that, even Florida. But that's a normal hosting of a comedy show. Hey, where are you from? And if someone says Florida, you can instantly feel the tension in the room because it's all in the news. It's in the ether. It's in the ether. It's in the ether at the moment.

So you don't even want to. As opposed to what other week? I was just going to say. Florida's always in a fucking ether for something terrible. Yeah, but stuff you can make fun of. But doesn't that go against the essence of being, like, a stand-up comedian that we always talk about and being able to find the funny? Are there just...

Well, I think if I would have been... I mean, to start tailoring your... If I would have been there, I would have said, I would have said just what I said. I said, we're in Florida, and don't say Orlando or you're going to fucking kill the mood. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm not saying you can't make a joke about it.

I'm just saying when the crowd will, you can feel it on stage when someone says Florida and everyone in the room is like... Yeah. You know? Not saying if you're a skilled professional that you can then turn that tension into funny right you know but i do it though personally like i i i say stuff i don't

it doesn't matter to me during stand-up you mean yeah i mean now like recently i've been saying like liz is laughing because she's heard it but i'll say it and like sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't but it's to me it's like about yeah about everything you've talked about Orlando but I don't go deep into it I don't think so I don't go too far into it but I definitely try because there's something in there

and I got a specialty well you know I mean that is it's all about the craft it's all about the craft what do you want me to do it's my job but it also it's

I think people want it honestly I honestly think people want I think if you ask them they'll say absolutely not but if you give it to them and they like it

they're like oh shit man I'm so glad you did that it's a people really it's why they come out for comedy if you're that broken up then you probably

aren't outside yeah if you're that broken up, then you probably aren't outside. If you're outside, you want to see comedy, chances are one in five people are going to mention some shit that you feel terrible about. And it's the only place where you can hear that. And if you don't like it, that's fine. If you didn't like it, there's tons of, I have jokes

that a lot of people don't like that has nothing to do with anything. It's not even personal. You just don't like it. That has nothing to do with anything. It's not even personal. You just don't like it. That's fine. You move on. Right? Yes, no.

You shall rise. Very seldom are people that bent out of shape. Well, I don't read the emails. Liz would know in terms of people complain. I actually saw an email this week with people complaining about the show. What were they complaining about? Was it about me talking about it?

No, no. It was a bunch of things, but there were some racial, you know, they didn't appreciate certain racial things. I mean, you just never know. Well, racial, they do get. I just don't know if people complain because you brought up a topic that's sensitive. Well, to them, racial things are a sensitive topic. I know, but I'm saying... An event.

An event. The kind of people, like, that's not even something I thought you could do, is complain and leave a letter at a comedy show. That's not even something I would even think, even before, because I've gone to comedy shows maybe 10 years before I started comedy. So, like, I've gone, I love comedy shows.

It's never crossed my mind that, oh, I could write a letter and tell people which jokes I didn't like. So I feel like that about Yelp reviews. When you see something that's poorly reviewed and you read the review and they're like, the delivery man was very nasty. And the pasta was all to the one side. And they must, really, that's the kind of person that takes the time to write something. I've had miserable experiences.

I've never written to somebody about it. Right. Maybe a tweet, but that's it. Like, it's not at the company, though.

It's like, at my friends. Yeah. My, we're talking about how, like, you know, you're talking about how

on Weekend Update if they have, like, you know, what is that, crisis team? Yeah, like,

companies have, like, crisis response teams. But my, my friend Brian Steinberg, did you ever do an interview with him? He works for Variety. Does that name ring a bell? Possible.

I don't know. Whatever. But anyway, he wrote an article in Variety about, in fact, I invited him down here, but he couldn't make it for various reasons. But he wrote an article about Weekend Update, and he was talking about how you're changing things up because now you're trying to get more last minute shit going in there. I mean, that's not. I don't I think it's more you just open up.

The thing about Weekend Update is it's been done for 30, 40 years before I did it. So there's a lot of things that this is the way we do things. And this is the way, this is just the way the show is, you know? So it's like, there's a reason for it in a certain way. There's a reason why they need cue cards instead of prompter. There's a reason why they need, you know, X rather than Y, but there's other things that it's, well, it's just because we've been doing it that way. So a lot of times we'd have to like, well, what does this thing do? Well, let's knock this wall down. And there was certain things like video.

They never played video on it. And so I was working at the Daily Show first, and we would always have video. We'd have a guy that watched everything on the fucking news and told us what people said. That was silly, and that's where we got our bits from. So we didn't have that at SN and now we didn't we didn't have video we didn't have you know uh kind of corresponding or even just the way you see like pete and leslie when they just go to camera and just do bits there was a stand-up bits and nobody really did that on the show as much they might have did it a long time ago but recently it just everybody's been a wacky character and everything had to have some kind of comedic, you know, um, like kitschiness to it.

Yeah. Kind of like some kind of comedic logic, some kind of sketch logic of this is why this person's here as opposed to here's Pete Davidson saying something, something funny. Yeah. And it works because it's like, well, that's, I've seen these guys do it at clubs with no setup and no wig. Right. So why would they need one now?

Just let them fucking talk to the camera. And those are the funniest nights when you see it. And those are the best ones. And they just lock in and then they stay on one topic. Right. But you see, it's like they get three minutes to just talk about one thing and they build it comedically. It's easier to do something that way as opposed to you got one minute or one punchline and

then move on to the completely next story. Right. People don't, yeah, you don't tell jokes that way. Right. You build it and then you punch it up. But you don't even get that. You don't even get that three minutes. Yeah, I don't even get to get that.

And you're on there every week. Yeah. It's harder, but it scores them faster. Yeah. But it's, you know, it's something that people just have to kind of get in the rhythm of watching it, you know? Yeah. I always feel like we're like step-parents in comedy.

Like, you know, a lot of people have to go through a step. Like, I think Trevor goes through a step-dad thing where it's like people just have to get over the fact that they're not watching John right now. Yeah. And they're going to look for a million things to not like about it because it's not dad. Right. We want dad back. Yeah.

And then you have to realize, oh, dad's not coming back. Dad's gone. We like this guy, but this guy's different and he's good. You know what I mean? Your dad's not coming back dad's gone we like this guy but this guy's different and he's good your father's dead your father's gone you know

it's a lot I feel like a lot of you know people have to go through that so it's for us Weekend Update people cherish it so much

that if it's not the way that it was when they grew up then they're like well this is wrong that's not Norm bring Norm back

I was like Norm's not coming back Tina's not coming back. So next season, it'll again be you and Colin. Next season will be me and Colin. Coming back. By the way, how are you fixed for writers over there? In terms of the weekend

update writing staff, because, you know, I've just started, I'm submitting now for Fallon as a writer. Now, they're not looking for anybody. Is this an audition? It's not an audition, but I think it's nice to integrate. This is a writer. Now, they're not looking for anybody. Is this an audition? It's not an audition, but I think it's nice to integrate. This is a man in his reach. We have writers, but we also take submissions, too. Look at that, Dad.

That opens the door for writing. You mean like I would email shit in? Yeah, but I mean that's how we get writers. I think maybe two of the four... Two of the four writers we got, maybe three. I'm too old for that. Three of the four writers we got because they were submitting and we're like, well, let's get this guy. He's really funny. Whatever you're about

to say, Dan. I'm too old to be submitting. Cut that out, man. That's your problem. I gotta go downstairs. Cut that out. You're not too old. How is that possible? How are you too old? I don't even understand that. No, not that I'm too old. It's just like... How are you too old to I don't even understand that. No, not that I'm too old. It's just like... How are you too old to submit but not too old for the job? You think it's beneath you? It's not beneath you.

It's beneath me. It's like people, those are usually like the young bucks starting up. No. Emailing shit in. You're a young buck as an SNL writer. Kevin would send stuff in sometimes. Oh, he did? Yeah. That can't take this. And I got some stuff with it.

He used to be a writer. That cantankerous. And I got some stuff with it. Well, he used to be a writer. No, I know that. And he was saying some stuff. I used a couple things from him. What does that pay? I have no idea. You're not allowed to. Oh, yeah, you're not in the accounting office.

Yeah, I have no idea. Yeah, because like Fallon, I talked to people over there. They're not looking for anybody right now, but they're like, well, we are always like keeping an eye out. So send in a couple weeks worth of monologue jokes. talk to people over there. They're not looking for anybody right now, but they're like, well, we are always keeping an eye out, so you never know. So send in a couple weeks' worth of monologue jokes. See, I think that's worse, because this way you just, I mean, you look at,

because we send you the headlines, we send you the premises, and you look at it, and if you got something on it, you just send a couple, and then we read them, and we use them. Well, that would work if I had a good kill ratio. That is, if I had to submit...

You could say 10 on one topic. You pick. But depending on how many they were using of mine would be whether it was worth doing it or not. Because if I had to send 30 to get one used, it probably wouldn't... If that was my ratio... I don't know.

Hey, Dave Juskow is here. I couldn't tell you what the ratio was. I'll be honest with you. I don't even... Hey, Dave Juskow is here. I couldn't tell you what the ratio is. I'll be honest with you. Writing is not my number one bag. Well, I'd rather just be a big star. I'll tell you what I think. You'd rather be a big star than a writer? Yeah.

I'd rather win the lotto. You need to explain that to me. I'd rather sit on my ass on the beach and do nothing at all. But apparently in this world, you've got to work to make money. Really? Seems to be how it works. Go me. I'd rather sit on my ass on the beach and do nothing at all. But apparently in this world, you got to work to make money. Really? Seems to be how it works. Go figure. I don't know.

I think I would rather be a writer than sit on the beach. Well, you sit on the beach, but you can come here and do comedy. You don't have to sit on the beach. But the point is, you know, you can do it. They say Ray Allen has the best of both worlds. He gets to the beach and he gets to talk. No, but he has to work. He goes to the beach and he works on the beach.

Runs his fingers his luxurious hair. But I'm saying I got to do something. I'm figuring I'm at a crossroads. They should do like a Godfather scene where he wakes up

and his ponytail's like in his... Like the one he cut his ponytail off and just put it in... Like the horse head. Put it in the bed right next to him and he just screams. He doesn't have the full ponytail anymore.

He cut his hair. Oh, did he cut it? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Where was Dave Jeskow just speaking of the Godfather? He's doing the Tom Papa show. Oh, is that what he's doing?

The live show. Anyway, you know, I'm just going to, do you mind if I read a couple of monologue jokes that I wrote to submit to see if. As long as you want honest feedback. Are they all about Orlando? No. Any about Orlando for Jimmy Fallon? Because I think he would love to have some.

It's all about Orlando and it's about the kid that got eaten by an alligator. I think Jimmy could really use some. That's what he needs. That's the point. You have to write jokes that he would do. That's a very interesting thing that you just said. You have to write jokes that he would do. It's very hard. That's a very interesting thing that you just said. You got to write in someone else's voice.

Not everybody can do that. A lot of people write stuff and you're like, yeah, well, you'd do it, but it doesn't sound right. I would never say those words. And for a monologue for that show, it can't be anything like, you know, you have to talk about nice, happy stuff. Yeah, it's a little PG. So it's like, you know, you can't talk about what's really going on. But here's one.

So a couple of these are probably not appropriate for Fallon. But the mayor of London, I don't know if you heard about this, Chris Montella. That's a good start. I don't know if you heard about this. Yeah, well, that's kind of talk show. I didn't actually write that. That's great.

I didn't write that. I don't know if you heard about this. Should I write that actually in the... I would write that. I don't know if you heard about this, but that's... Or Jay Leno. Should I write that actually in the... I would write that. I don't know if you heard about this, but... The mayor of London has banned subway ads to promote unrealistic body images of women. I did read about that. That's interesting to me.

The ban's mainly targeted at unnaturally thin women, but since it's England, unrealistic body images include women with tans. That's good. You don't have to laugh, Michael. I like it tans. That's good. You don't have to laugh, Michael. I like it. I think that's good. That's a good, we call that a soft joke. It doesn't hurt anybody, but it's very funny.

And even if you're from England, you can laugh at it. That's the ballpark you want to be in. You know, the Bagnati, that's London's first nude restaurant. This is interesting. It recently opened its doors. It's a nude restaurant. Needless to. Recently opened its doors. It's a nude restaurant. Needless to say, cameras are banned in the dining area, as are students and faculty from the nearby Royal Drawing School.

All right, less on that. Okay, all right. Okay, less on that. A little wordy, a little wordy. A little much, a little much, yeah. Oh, this is a good one, I think. I'll just do one more, and then we'll get to our other guest. He's already done with it.

The Russian track and field team has been banned from the Rio de Janeiro Olympics. I don't know if you heard that, Michael. No, I didn't hear about this. It's interesting because of the Russian government involvement in procuring performance-enhancing drugs for their athletes. So they're banned. Now, the response of the Russian athletes, as you can imagine, has been disappointment and anger, as well as irritability, trouble sleeping, acne, heart and liver damage, and increased risk of blood clots. Very good. Not to mention impotence and reduction of sperm production.

And there you go. That's a two-hander, and there's a clap. When you rattle it off like that, people will be very excited to hear you get through it. The break. Yeah, it's pretty good. Hey. That's good. That's a break. Yeah, it's pretty good. Hey! That's good. That's very usable. Very okay. That is in the ballpark of what we need.

Now, if you want one more, raise your hand. One more. Does anybody want one more? Oh, yeah. I would love one more. I don't see a hand up from Chris. Well, no one can see a hand that's listening. Okay. British astronaut Timothy Peake just landed safely back on Earth after six months in the International Space Station.

All right. That I didn't know. Yeah. He was the first British, first Englishman to walk in space. Okay. Wow. That's interesting. And you may know that also that Elton John was the first Englishman to walk in a pair of $18,000 red crystal shoes.

Okay. That was a few years back. Alright. Ed, did you hear about this? Is he still on the air? Oh, man. I think he's pretty dead now. Ed is dead. This one is

probably a no-go. In a recent survey by the American Customer Satisfaction Index, Chick-fil-A ranked number one among fast food restaurant chains. Now, just behind Chick-fil-A in the survey were Chick-fil-A Minus. Chick-fil-A Minus. I don't think there's any topping that joke. Definitely not Chick-fil-A Minus. Oh, my God.

If I Google Chick-fil-A Min minus, my guess is something will pop up. Oh, man. I don't know. I don't think that that... I think you're good. It's not obvious enough? Yeah, I think you're good. Do you ever, like, Google something you thought of just to see if anybody else thought of it

and other people thought of it? I had a writing partner that would do that because, like, we would come up with sketch ideas and he was like, somebody had to do it. It's too good. And sure enough, somebody did it. And they've done it very poorly. But don't you have to have, like, does SNL have a team that checks that kind of stuff?

No. So that you're not accused of, you know, copying or whatever? Oh, no. And we've been accused. People accuse us all the fucking time. Really? You know what's so funny? Is that they accuse us of stealing everything.

If any idea's ever been done that we've done, we've definitely stole it. They think all we do is watch college comedy with 649 views on YouTube or some shit. And, but they always want us to repeat the things that other people on the show have done. They always want us to do shit that Eddie Murphy's done.

And like, it's already been done. Why do you want to see that? But then if we do something that someone else has done somewhere else, they're like, oh, you fucking thieves. You hacks and whatever. Yeah, I mean, it's inevitable that in the billions of... And now with YouTube and

everything, there's bound to be somebody somewhere that thought of something kind of similar. Comedy is not that fresh, man. And I try not to... My rule is I won't Google it because it'll just, it'll be too heartbreaking. And I figure if I came up with it, it's mine anyway. I mean, if I didn't copy from somebody else, I figure I can use it.

I've had somebody tell me, accuse me of stealing a joke that they tweeted. And I'm like, well, you think I follow you on Twitter? Yeah, how would you even know that? How would I fucking know? I don't know who you are. Where would I get you on Twitter? Yeah, how would you even know that? How would I fucking know? I don't know who you are. Where would I get that information from? Well, that accusation is, I mean, yes, there are people that steal, and that's got to be taken seriously, but the people,

I mean, Amy Schumer recently went through a slate of accusations along those lines. So, you know, we're all subject to that. Let's get our... Mr. Curtin. I forgot your name, sir. Curtin. Andy Curtin. Andy Curtin. Either one.

Either way. I honestly thought you had a milk stache. No, he's got a white mustache. That is interesting. I do, yes. He has a white mustache, but the rest of your beard is brown. Yeah, well, I, you know... So either he has a milk mustache

or a chocolate milk beard. It's my cocaine stash. Cocaine stash. That's where I came from. I think you're doing it wrong, man. Andy Curtin, now. Shouldn't be that low. I've got a very numb upper lip.

God damn. I can't feel my face. Do you know Michael Che? He's a big star here. I do, yeah. I wouldn Do you know Michael Che? He's a big star here in America. I do, yeah. I wouldn't say that. Well, he's B-level anyway. Yeah.

He's a very tall star. Maybe a big star in the cellar. Are you B-level or C? I would say D. No. Oh, come on. What are you talking about? I don't know, man.

International. Known around the world, I would say. I'm not trying to blow stuff, but come on. Is that English or Australian accent? Australian accent. But thank you for trying to upgrade smoke, but come on. Is that English or Australian accent? Australian accent. But thank you for trying to upgrade it a little bit, maybe. Well, okay. I didn't know that was necessarily an upgrade.

I see Australians as equally worthy in their own way. Oh, that's very kind of you. He thinks very lowly of both. He thinks they're both shit. Equally as, yes. But you're a comic, is that it? I am, yes. And I'm told comedy is becoming very international, you know, yes. But you're a comic, is that it? I am, yes. And I'm told comedy is becoming very international, you know, Michael.

Yeah, it is. I'm the Michael Che of Chyna, actually. Michael Che. Che, sorry, there you go. I read on Wikipedia he was named after Che Guevara. You know, people say Che, people say Che. I don't mind it either way. More people get upset when they hear Che than I do.

I don't care. I know who you're talking about. But it's Che like Che Guevara. Yes, it is. It's Che like Che Guevara. Okay. Maybe another time we'll get into your parents' political leanings. My father was a big history buff.

He loved Che Guevara. My mother doesn't know who Che Guevara is. So they're divorced. And they don't... They're divorced. That just goes to show you. Does she still use that name for you? She calls me Mike.

She calls me Mike. No, but Che is your official middle name. Yeah, my name is Michael Che Campbell. Michael Che Campbell. My dad named me Che. My mother named me Michael. Well, I never knew that until recently when I Wikipedia'd you. Yeah, people are very disappointed when they find out that Che is not my last name.

Because I think it's a wonderful last name. It's a great name. I mean, you know. So you, I understand. So anyway, comedy is becoming very international. I was just talking to a, the French are invading, by the way. You know Gad, our French friend who works here, Gadam. He's amazing, very funny.

And there's some other French guy was in town today doing. Jerry Lewis. No, well, he's not French. Oh, yeah. He's just. Very funny. And there's some other French guy was in town today doing. Jerry Lewis. No, well, he's not French. Oh, yeah. He's just big over there. But, you know, there's a lot of French comics trying to do comedy now in English. And English comedy is also spreading all over the world in non-English speaking countries. They're watching English comedy.

So our dear friend Andy Curtin, was it? Yeah, that's it. Is booking comedy in Singapore or something like that? Wow. Shanghai. Oh, Shanghai. Yeah, I know the guys in Singapore, but I own a club in Shanghai.

Oh, you're a club owner. Shanghai. And I have rooms in 22 different cities around China. Ni hao ma? Wa hen hao. Ni na? I just know ni hao ma. That was good.

You got to get the reaction in there as well. All I know is gong hei fat choy. What does that mean? Well, that's actually Cantonese. Oh, sorry. So Shanghai is Mandarin. Yes. Well, the whole country is Mandarin.

You know, people think that more people... Where's Sichuan? Sichuan is a province. That's not... Well, it's maybe... It's not a dialect because there is a Sichuanese dialect. You get way too far into this.

I only know about what's on a menu. But people think that's what I meant. If you can't cook, you don't exist. Where can I get General Tso's chicken?

I can't cook. Is General Tso's chicken widely available? Every corner, they got General Tso's chicken. You can't assign a letter and a number to it. Was General Tso a Mandarin

or Cantonese? He's actually the president of China currently. General Tso? So or Cantonese? He's actually the president of China currently. General Tso? General Tso is like General Motors. It's just not really a fucking general. I'll tell you something.

They just recently opened an American-style Chinese restaurant in Shanghai called the Fortune Cookie. And it has like, I haven't been there, but like the stuff that you guys have here instead of real Chinese food. Like chicken and broccoli. Yeah, this kind of stuff. Shout out to the Chinese for bringing broccoli to the hood. Yeah, fortune cookies are not actually. They're helping. It's healthy.

Veggies. Fortune cookies are not actually a Chinese. Fortune cookies. There was no. You backed me up on that, right? What was that? There was no broccoli in the hood before the Chinese. Not at all.

Yeah, thank you. So, but what about orange juice? You guys still drink an orange drink up that way. There was no broccoli in the hood before the Chinese. Not at all. Yeah, thank you. But what about orange juice? You guys still drinking orange drink up that way? I remember because Dave Chappelle had a whole thing about we didn't have orange juice. No, we got orange juice. Okay, okay, okay. I don't know. We only got apple juice.

I've been curious. Is that where your knowledge comes from when it's not on Wikipedia? Chappelle's set up. There's no grape juice. There's no grape juice. Only in church. Okay. Maybe thatup. There's no grape juice. There's no grape juice. Only in church. Okay. Oh, maybe that was it.

Sypha's back. Sypha, we're talking to our dear friend Andy Curtin, our new friend. He owns a comedy club in Shanghai. Nice. Shanghai Nights.

Is that what you call it? Shanghai. Yeah, I don't know. I've never heard that expression before. Isn't that like a movie? Shanghai Nights? Oh, is that like

Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson? I haven't seen it. I'm not a... And you're in... Are you in New York recruiting people to go over there? Is that what you're doing here? Well, I'm kind of a...

I've taken a break for two months and I'm just out here doing a few shows and, you know, making... I work with a lot of people from New York anyway. So, you know, sort of touching base with people I haven't met. You're selling Gucci purses. Exactly. I'm smuggling babies. That's what I'm doing.

I'm selling babies. You want to buy a baby? So this is English-speaking comedy, obviously. We do Mandarin. I do comedy in Mandarin. Well, you do comedy in Mandarin? I do, yeah. That's insane.

Yeah, and that's a scene as well. They're pretty separate, the two scenes, although the club has both. What's like the what else, what else, what else in Mandarin? Like, you know, when you have nothing else to do, nothing else to say in the set, and start going, what else, what else? What else I got? You know the answer to this, do you?

No, I don't. Oh, you really don't know this? No, I really don't. I think I know. Yeah, you know. Yeah, I know. It sounds like the N-word. Yeah.

What is it? Oh, shit, did I stumble upon gold? You didn't know that? I swear to God, I did not know that. I thought you were trying Yeah, I know. It sounds like the N-word. What is it? Oh, shit. Did I stumble upon gold? You didn't know that? I swear to God, I did not know that. I thought you were trying to set me up. Absolutely not. Hey, buddy, what's that word? Will Smith has a joke about that where he went to China, and nega is the word.

That's it. Nega means what else? But there's an even more specific pronunciation that's getting too close from my disposition. And what does it mean, though? It means, well, literally it means that, but it's something that people will say when they are thinking of what to say next. Like a pause.

Yeah, the RZA told me when he was out there shooting that movie, the man with the iron fist, he said the first couple days, he was like, why is everybody saying the N-word to me? And they're like, no, it's not the N-word. Only some of what they are saying is the N-word to me? And they're like, no, it's not the N-word. Only some of what they are saying is the N-word. It's only 50%. Is there an

N-word in China because black people are not numerous over there? There is, but it's not like a common... It just literally translates to black ghost. Which sounds weird, but that ghost word gets thrown around from foreigners all the time.

Black ghost. Oh, like say an alien. Kind of, yeah. It's like foreign thing. But it's ghost. UFO. You're UFOs. Why don't you call somebody an alien?

You black alien. UBOs. It's getting ricy. How on earth did you learn Mandarin enough to do comedy in that language? I mean, I've been there for seven years. That's amazing. I know motherfuckers in America for 30 years don't speak English well enough to, you know.

I mean, Taweel in the kitchen. You know Taweel, our dear friend Taweel in the kitchen over here, the kebab guy? Yeah. Who the fuck can't speak English? Kebab guy. And he's been here like for probably 20 years. But anyway, so seven years and did you speak a word of Mandarin when you got there? I thought I did. And he's been here for probably 20 years.

But anyway, so seven years, and did you speak a word of Mandarin when you got there? I thought I did, but then I found out really quickly that I did not. It's all about the pronunciations, right? Well, that's the thing. It's really hard to start because it's really hard to be understood. Like if I said, I speak Russian as well.

If I said something to you in Russian, you could probably repeat it and a Russian speaker would understand. Right. But in Chinese, you're like, okay, I got this. I'm saying it. And then you say it and I look at you like,

what are you saying? The tones are important. Yeah, there's the tones and there's sounds that we don't have in English. And already you sound Australian. So that's got to be maybe as far. Fucking ni hao. He's putting meat on the end of everything. It's got to be maybe as far. Fucking knee-how. He's putting me on the end of everything.

It's not like, you know, if you learn, say, Spanish, many of the words will be familiar to us. Right. You'll say, no problemo. Oh, yeah. No problemo. Just add a no. Add a no. Well, that'll work for some words.

It's not even right. Not really. But in Mandarin. No problemo. Right? It's no problem't know. I don't know. Well, that'll work for some words. It's not even right. Not really. You know what? But in Mandarin. No problemo. Right? It's no problemo, right? Problema. It's an A.

But you know what I'm talking about. Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about?

Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you know what I'm talking about? There you go. But in Chinese, there's very few words that are similar. So problem is probably something like hanky.

Well, good guess. Very close. Do you speak Chinese? The answer to that question is what you're talking about is usually a transliterated word. It's a word that's come from the language and they've taken it. But when the Chinese do that, it's almost unrecognizable. Like, for example, the word for McDonald's is mai dang lao. You're never going to guess it.

That sounds kind of close phonetically. Yeah, because you knew ahead of time. Exactly. But if someone says to you, where's Ming-Nang Lao, you would never understand. You'd be like, I don't know. It's like a Picasso portrait. It's kind of a phase. Just rearrange.

I wouldn't put an ear there. It's sort of a clock, but I couldn't tell the time off it. The blue period. I do comedy in French. You may or may not know that. So this is of particular interest to me. I remember when you told me the last time we met that you don't remember, but that's fine. Oh, I've met you before?

Dan. Well, he probably didn't have the milk mustache at the time. Now I know. If I want you to remember me, I've got to have a great facial disfiguration. But like French, like Spanish, so many of the words, you can't even compare. And I've been studying for 10 years, and I'm still not where I want to be. And that's a language that's very close to English. Have you been to France?

Yeah, a few times. Is it harder when you're there? Do you feel like you know it more, or do you feel like you know it less when you go? Speak it more or less? Speak it, yeah. I don't know. I think neither. When I go to Quebec,

I really feel like I don't speak it because I can't understand their accent very well. It's roughly the same language, but not quite. So they're like hillbilly French. Yeah, but worse. We can understand hillbillies, but even French people that go to Quebec

sometimes have trouble. And films in Quebec and TV shows that are exported to France are often subtitled for the French audience because it is much more different. English from England and English from America are much more similar than Quebec French is to French. Oh, interesting.

Fascinating. They have different words. Some of the grammar is different in the spoken language. But it's not... Scottish and like Irish. Sometimes Scottish.

When you hear that, I'm like, when they get rolling, you're like, I don't know what the fuck. You're like train spotting. If you saw train spotting. Yeah.

I had the soft shuttles on for that. Or Benny Hill. Benny Hill sometimes, I'd be like, he looks funny and I'm laughing because he's a funny personality. But even in the US

you get somebody from like Louisiana sometimes or that like bayou. You can't understand what the fuck they're saying. Creole kind of. I like the line

from Snatch. You know, Dennis Farina, the only American character in that movie gets to England and he says, hey,

I've been here for a week. No one speaks the fucking language here. That's true. I think in the north of England, as you go north, it gets even more tricky. Wait, can we go back? Did you say you book 20 clubs? You book clubs in 20 cities?

No, no, no, no, no. I have a club, which is seven nights a week, open in Shanghai. Okay. And then we have rooms in other cities. Okay. What does that mean? Well, like in Suzhou, there's a bar that we have a permanent room at and we're there every week.

Do people come out and say, Suzhou, my career has really taken off. Yeah, they do actually. Everyone opens with that. Everyone. It's embarrassing because they don't realize that everyone saw the last guy say that. And there's enough comedians to fill those rooms? Well. Like doing comedy and shit?

I mean, there's a lot of flow, you know. So the comics move around. Like I go there's a lot of flow, you know, so the comics move around. Like, I go around Asia a lot. Like, I was in Hong Kong two weeks ago, three weeks ago,

and then I was in Taiwan last month, and then those guys come out. So there's a lot of flow from there. And then in Shanghai, for the cities outside of Shanghai, it's the comics from Shanghai

that go out there to do shows. They don't live out there. And then every month we bring a guy from the US or, you know, from outside of China, like a proper headliner to come and do like a run of shows. They don't live out there. And then every month we bring a guy from the US or, you know, from outside of China, like a proper headliner to come and do like a run of shows, maybe a week of shows. And that fills up the calendar.

So they speak English? Well, these are the English shows. Oh, I got you. You have separate shows. It's totally separate. Even for like the Chinese people that like the English stand up, they tend to not like the Chinese stand up. Got it. And then the ones that like the Chinese stand-up, they tend to not like the Chinese stand-up. Got it.

And then the ones that like the Chinese stand-up don't speak English. Right. I mean, you know, you've got to have a pretty high level of language to be able to follow comedy. That's like the pinnacle of speaking a language. Sometimes what happens is, like in Paris, they have a lot of English comedy. And so half the audiences are expatriates that are from England or the United States, and the other half are French people. But oftentimes the French people think they speak English

because they understand each other when they speak. They speak English enough to understand each other or to understand in class, but then they come to a comedy show and they hear at full speed with all the slang, and then they're lost. Yeah. Well, you know, Shanghai has the number one population, I think, for foreigners there, French people. And they come there, and they barely speak English, some of them,

and they barely speak Chinese. And I don't know how they get around, but they all hang out with each other. What kind of comedy is popular in Shanghai? You know, I mean, I think that, you know. Def Jam. Def Jam. Def Jam. Everyone does. The crowds either

like you or hate you from the beginning and they throw shit at you. A lot of take my wife jokes. Yes. One liners. You know, comedy is so international now.

There's so much access. I would love to see the Chinese Def Jam comedy. Big yellow suit. Kick it! Did you see they have those crazy Asian game shows? No, it's not like that. So I'm just curious what the sense of humor,

I mean, not that you can encapsulate an entire country's sense of humor in one bite, but... It's tough to say, you know, because when you're doing English stand-up, you know, the benchmark is're doing English stand-up, you know, the benchmark is everyone knows American stand-up. It's online, it's in podcasts. That's kind of the source of... The gold standard.

It defines it. But then you get to Chinese stand-up and it's totally different, you know. Right. Sometimes you get a magician thrown in there. You just never know. And the TV, like SNL has now set up SNL China really

yeah they've just been out here you know there's an SNL Egypt too there's like an SNL Mexico and so the guys that do

the guys that do SNL China Jimmy Fallon is I'm sorry Mexican Jimmy Fallon is maybe the best Mexican Jimmy

Jimmy Fallon they have a Mexican Tonight show and it's pretty much the same exact show he does karaoke's pretty much the same exact show. He does karaoke and the wheel of imitations. The one difference is he's dressed and painted like a clown. Oh, God.

Every night. Every night. That's his suit. He's just a clown. Red Nose? Other than that's the same show. I think I saw that, actually. It's kind of fantastic.

It's pretty funny. It's so bizarre. It's kind of fantastic. It's pretty funny. It's so bizarre. It's just like, why? Well, you kind of see the absurdity when you can't understand it. That's what I'm saying. You see sometimes just shows... I was watching this clip on YouTube or whatever

from this Asian game show where the guys had to oil themselves up and try to slide naked around a track, and whoever made it around won. I mean, I don't know. That's Japanese, right? I don't know what country. Japanese game shows are fucking bonkers.

You ever see the one where the guy is like, he's a porn star. This guy is a porn star. And they tell him, we're going to get somebody to give you a blowjob and you can't finish. For like 30 minutes. You gotta go

30 minutes without being able to finish. And he's like, I'm a professional. You can't. There's no blowjob that good. The gate opens and it's this chubby dude. And the porn star dude starts laughing. And he was like, I mean, not only are you a guy, but you're not even a good looking guy. And the guy's like, I'm very good at what I do.

I bet you he is. He will finish. And he's like, there's no way you're going to make me finish. He's like, I'm going to make you finish. So they put like this box in front of this guy. And he goes under the box. And you hear the strangest noises. Suction noises.

The strangest suction noises. And the guy is just like, oh, he's very good. He goes up to like 27 minutes, and he's like, oh, he's very good. He's a very good one. He knows exactly what he's doing. There's one where you have to sing while you're being jerked off. That one, too. You got to do karaoke while getting a handjob. Yeah, you got to sing while you're being jerked off.

That's Japanese? That's Japanese. They are not people. They are out of their minds, man. It's fantastic. They nailed it. They figured out TV. The Koreans do some stuff as well, but it's mostly Japanese.

I don't know if this is going to translate to talking, but the best one I've ever seen was they get two teams of guys playing soccer and make them wear binoculars strapped to their head and they try to kick this ball around and they just can't see the ball. I've seen that. I've watched it a thousand times.

They're kicking the floor really hard. Their sense of perception is totally fucked up. How do you do stand-up when that's what makes people laugh? That's not China. Different country. That's a different country. Is that just in Japan? I don't want to break your heart

here, but Chinese people don't like Japanese people. Okay. Not fans. Not big fans. You've heard of the rape of Nanking? Perhaps. That was a thing. I'm aware. That's not really influencing it. I'm just confirming that that's not the case in China.

That sense of... I'm thinking about bringing it back. Now I'm seeing you guys laugh at it. See, I would think that China was super conservative as opposed to Japan. That's a little bit more... Japan is very conservative in terms of... You hear about their business where they all... You know, like every morning before work work they have like calisthenics

they commit seppuku that's their routine it seems to me from what I've heard at work they're very straight laced and they have like you know everybody knows their place yeah that's

yeah that's super Japanese. I can't speak to it that much because I haven't been there like once. But then when it comes to pornography and game shows, they really let loose. It's like the Germans. The Germans, of course, have a reputation for being very, very precise,

and yet they're defecating on each other. That's what my buddy says, because, you know, legally in Japan, they have to blur out the genitals, I don't know if you're familiar with that. Buy schoolgirl panties and vending machines. Well, that's what my buddy's like. He's like, I can't see the genitals. I don't know if you're familiar with this. Buy schoolgirl panties and vending machines. That's what my buddy's like. He's like, I can't see the genitals. I've got to go in a different direction, so they just

poop on each other. That's the backup plan. I don't know. That seems like a weird backup plan. I would think of at least four other things I'd rather do than have shit on me. I think after being pooped on once, I'd be like, can we just not blur it? Pooping is something that you may even think you're into, but watching it.

Well, it's one thing to see it in a video when the smell is not present. But when you see the smell, then you're like, I mean, you smell the smell. I got to imagine that that's not pleasant for anybody. Once you realize there's peanuts in there, it's all over. Or just like puke. Like, who wants to smell puke? This is great. Yeah, when you can't smell it, it really makes a big difference.

When you can't smell it, it's very attractive. Well, it's not. That's the problem. It's warm. The smell is the major problem. Comforting. People who can't smell love it. It's the greatest.

Anyway, so you book Americans. You bring people over from America to your Shanghai show. Or you do a run. Yeah. Because it's so expensive to get people out there. You've got to make it work. Yeah. So we do a bunch of cities.

I don't know if you have the budget for Michael Che or not. Do you have the mask? What's the mask? Do you have to wear a gas mask when you go to China? Oh, because there's a lot of pollution. Yeah. There is a lot of pollution, but it's fine. I've seen Chinese people in gas masks.

Don't tell me it's fine. When he first went there, his mustache was brown. Yeah, this is what happens. This is pollution. There's a block of pollution on my upper lip. Oh, no. It's like total recall where you start to... I just saw the updated Karate Kid.

Oh, yeah? And so now I have China on my mind a little bit. Karate, the Japanese guy? The Karate Kid. No, yeah? And so that, now I have China on my mind a little bit. Karate, the Japanese? The Karate Kid. No, the upgrade with Jaden Smith? The one with Jaden Smith where he goes to China.

I haven't seen it, but Karate's definitely Japanese. No, but in the movie, it's Kung Fu. Oh, so they didn't tell, they fucked it up and they didn't tell you? So they call it the Karate Kid,

but in the movie, it's Kung Fu. Yeah, Kung Fu is Chinese. And instead of having him paint the fence, he has him hang up his jacket. It's a lot less of that. Did you see the film? No, I didn't see the remake. I don't know if this is a serious statement.

Do you see Karate Kid, the original, where you had to paint the fence? Yeah, yeah. Sand the floor. Sand the floor. They didn't do it. And the updated version is just he's hanging his jacket up on a... Mr. Miyagi, Pat Moriarty. Oh, the best.

No, Pat Morita. Morita. There you go. I have an accent. That was like... Pat Moriarty is Irish. Pat McCurdy. Pat Moriarty.

Pat Moriarty. Pat Moriarty is Sherlock Holmes' archenemy, I think. But anyway, the second Karate Kid, the remake with Jaden Smith, takes place in China. I haven't seen it. Can we pause and I'll chuck it on? No, you don't have to. I don't know if they're in Shanghai or so.

Maybe they're in that other place you mentioned. I'll tell you something. They film a lot of movies in Shanghai now because the Shanghai film cinema market is just massive. But China only lets in 20 foreign movies a year. Wow, look at that. That's why they make so much dough. When you see a movie bomb here,

and you think, why would they make another one? It's because they made so much money in China. Like Terminators, that's who watches that shit. Ninja Turtles. Warcraft crushed China. Really? Are they subtitled or dubbed? It depends which cinema you go to, but usually, I mean, I go to the ones,

because I always go with my wife, so it's got English and Chinese on the bottom. Your wife is Chinese? Russian. Oh, she's Russian. That's why you speak Russian? Correct, yeah. Wow. When did you know, like, I just want to know all the languages?

I don't know. There's many more than those three. But I like it, you know? I feel like for an English-speaking white guy to learn a bunch of different languages, that's pretty impressive. And distinct languages, like Russian and Mandarin. The whole world will say, we will catch up to you, dude. And you're still like, no, I want to know what you're doing.

That's pretty impressive. Well, I think for a Chinese to be white and to speak Chinese perfectly or nearly perfectly would be an incredible thing. That's insane. I don't know if that's your level, what your level is exactly. I mean, I don't want to say perfect. There's plenty of guys that speak better Chinese than I do out there. Like eight?

Seven. But like, you know, when you meet someone who's Chinese and they're speaking, but they're making a lot of errors and they've got a big vocabulary, but you can understand them and you can communicate, it's like that, I would say. And another thing... When I'm speaking English with a Chinese person. Or someone who doesn't speak English natively, you know. So you sound like a waiter.

I have an accent, but sometimes on the phone they think I'm Chinese, but generally they'll pick up on it, you know? Like, because you don't know the best way to say something or the most local way. Right. And there's probably a lot of topics you don't have the vocabulary for. Like, if I said, you know, I need a Phillips head screwdriver, you know, my guess is you wouldn't know the word for Phillips head screwdriver. I know screwdriver, but not Phillips head screwdriver. Actually know, my guess is you wouldn't know the word for Phillips head screwdriver. I know screwdriver, but not Phillips head screwdriver.

Actually, I do know it. Oh, do you? There you go. Alright. How do you say screwdriver? Lawson. Wow. Like he would know if he was making shit up.

Every Chinese person listening is like that's not it he's lying full of shit the it's yeah I mean the other thing is

doing stand up in Mandarin you know if you ever see someone who doesn't speak English natively perform in English the crowd is a little

forgiving yeah and it's the same the other way you can make and the Chinese comics make fun of me because I'll say the wrong word and get a laugh and they're like what the other way. And the Chinese comics make fun of me because I'll say the wrong word and get a laugh

and they're like, what the fuck? You just say something stupid and you laugh. I'm like, well, I'm up here. Yeah, accents are funny too. Just accents are funny. They'll laugh at me saying the word wrong or something like that. I'm basically hack.

Man, I'm kidding. No, I think there's like a universal kind of, you know, admiration for people that take risks like that. I think there's like a universal kind of you know admiration for people that take risks like that that takes a lot of balls to get up in front of you know Mandarin speaking audience and do comedy and I mean that's pretty

doing comedy stand up period is it's scary in it I mean there's a fearful in any language actually no I tell you this performing in another language you lose a little bit of the judgment element. Like, you know, in English, you kind of can feel people thinking about you, especially when you're starting out.

But in Chinese, it's like, I don't give a fuck what these people think. You just have that. And the Chinese comedians say the same in English. The ones that do it the other way. They're like, it's not the same. Can you improv in Chinese? A little bit? A little bit. And the other thing is that anything you say is They're like, it's not the same. Can you improv in Chinese? A little bit? A little bit.

And the other thing is that anything you say is going to get a laugh. Yeah, yeah. If they say something to you, you're like, I don't understand what you said. They'll laugh at that. Do you get nervous doing stand-up, Mike? Do you get nervous getting back into stand-up or after you've been doing regular?

You get nervous. I don't like to say nervous because it's not necessarily nervous. It's more like you get anxious where you're like, I want to I want to get to it and I want to get in the rhythm. You want to kind of just get in the water, but it's not necessarily nervous. I think nervous is like the reason why you don't want to do something. But anxious is the reason why you want to do it. Right. It's the same kind of feeling.

I feel like you just, you never get rid of anxiety in comedy. I don't know. Dan, is that? It's getting worse for me. No, it really is.

I don't know why, but. I don't think you ever get rid of it. I think everybody, like I was, we did the roast battle thing. I was, I was judging the roast battle with Dave Attell.

And we were backstage. And Jeff is on, about to bring us up or whatever. And we're both kind of pacing and looking. And I'm like, I don't think it... I mean, if Dave Attell still feels a little anxiety in his stomach before he gets on stage, I don't think anybody's going to not. Who's done more comedy than Dave? But it's not nervous.

It's more like you just want to kind of get out there. But there's like football players that like puke and shit, right? Yeah. Yeah, I get, it's weird. I get nervous before I go up, but I'm never nervous on stage. Oh, really? Once you're on there. Last night, I did a show in West Virginia.

West Virginia. West Virginia. West Vagina. with Rachel Feinstein, and I was super nervous because I was like, on a Monday night, what kind of show is this with a Puerto Rican and a Jew? And I was super nervous, and I just went up there, and first joke killed, and then I did 30 minutes, which I hardly ever do.

It was just rocking. Yeah. It's always those places that when you second guess what it's going to be like, they end up being, oh, I can't believe that shit was fun. Like West Virginia. I remember one year in comedy, I was doing a bunch of colleges, and I had flown to Indiana maybe six times in a span of six months or so, which is more than anybody who doesn't live in Indiana would ever be.

And parts of Indiana I didn't even fucking know existed. But everyone, I was like, oh, this is going to suck. But it doesn't. It's great because they don't get a lot of shit over there. So they're pumped to see something. Talking about comedy next to you guys, I'm obviously you know

way lower down the totem pole but me how am I if I'm thank you thank you for keeping it relevant the

but like I find if I'm too comfortable it's a bad thing yeah like that's not good and then if I need to have that like oh fuck

is this gonna work to actually step up and do it right. Right. Maybe that's just me. Maybe that goes away. Like, after you've been doing writing and stuff, or, you know, doing SNL for a whole season,

is it refreshed? Do you feel good getting back into it, or is it kind of like... You feel good, but you also... I never feel like I'm in shape for it. I always feel like I go about eight minutes into material, and I'm like, damn, what other jokes do I know? I feel like I've only written five minutes of comedy. Like I don't remember anything. My brain's not sharp.

I can't segue good. I can't bounce in and out of crowd work and stuff like that. Like comedy is like a muscle. You really have to kind of get in shape for it. You do it every single day. Your brain just kind of get in shape for. If you do it every single day, your brain just kind of operates differently. And if you don't do it, if I take two or three weeks off,

it takes me a while before I'm like, oh, you start to see jokes again. You start to riff. You start to know when you're in too long, when you haven't. You can hear yourself better when you're paying attention. See, Dan, you got to get back in the gym.

You know, you're going to be out of fighting shape. Since when I'm not in the gym? What are you talking about? You said you've been taking a break because of your back. Yeah, the gym. Yeah, well, I'm saying this is related. You're going to be out of your fighting shape.

She's talking about the real gym. No, no, no. I'm talking about... I know what you're talking about. Obviously, this is... The point is, Chris, you tried. I did. I tried. Did you find that doing... She didn't mess big deal. You know, I don't know. The point is, Chris, you tried. I did. I tried.

Did you find that doing it? She didn't mess it up. You did. Yeah, you knocked it away. She's talking about the real gym. Yes, because we started out the show talking about how you've been not in the gym and taking a hiatus and how you got to get back in. And so I'm just bringing her full circle. All right.

Okay. We're going to wrap it up. Call the call back, Dan. Jesus Christ, Dan. This guy's rusty. Really? It's a comedic device. Fair enough.

Okay. I lose. You win. Thank you, Simon. You win. We do have to. We are done here pretty much. Okay.

That's it? Yeah, we do an hour. We didn't even talk about Orlando. We did, but we didn't talk about it with our friend from Shanghai. You want to talk about it? No, I think we covered it well enough.

It was big news, I assume, in Shanghai. Yeah, you know what? There was a terrorist attack at the airport when I was on the way out here, but not a serious one. Some guy just let off a small explosive like two hours before I got to the airport. I got shut down. My flight got pushed back a day. And that came out.

And then on the back of that, it must have been like six hours later, the Orlando came. So the two of those things were being just, everyone's like, the world's falling apart. You know, there's stuff happening. I'm not equating the two of them. I'm just saying that it did get picked up in the news that people were reading, for sure. Yeah, Orlando was like that, too, because a pop singer got killed in Orlando. Yeah, the same day. And then a massacre.

It was the same day. And then an alligator ate a baby. Yeah. And it was like all Orlando stories. None of them are the same, but it was just all like, what the fuck is in that border? Also out of Orlando this week, a new ride, Frozen Ever After at Epcot Center had a record five-hour line.

Dude, can I tell you, in China, that's a short line. That's the VIP line. Well, that's in Orlando. You're talking about Orlando shit. Yeah, but I guess that's an inconvenience, sure. I think that's as important as the other things that happened. I'm just covering. I didn't scroll down inconvenience, sure. I think that's as important as the other things that happened.

I'm just covering. I didn't scroll down that far in CNN. I'm just covering. I'm covering. Well, I did because I'm trying to write jokes for Fallon. So I have to. Those are the kind of jokes that I haven't come up with one for that yet. But it seems like a very ripe topic.

It seems like if you can't write a joke about a five-hour line at Disney, maybe you should get out of the joke writing business. Or back in the gym. But it seems like it's also clean and not controversial the kind of jokes

you should be writing for a late night talk show. Sure. So that's why I figured I got to follow something. Maybe not this week though. I would push that because that's what

we call evergreen. You could bring that back in a month or so and no one cares. No one's going to fact check and be like, wait a minute, did that happen?

Right. Did it open this weekend? Yeah. You put that in the evergreen so. And no one cares. No one's going to fact check it. Wait a minute. Did that happen? Right. Did it open this weekend? Yeah. You put that in an evergreen pile. Ever not green. Ever. Frozen ever after. It should be called waiting ever after.

Jesus Christ. Anyway. Hey, yo. Doing comedy. I can do better than that, folks. We're brainstorming, guys. I'm spitballing. Thank you for listening.

Hello, William. Thank you, Cypher Sounds. Thank you, Andy. Thank you so much spitballing. Thank you for listening. Hello, William. Thank you, Cypher Sounds. Thank you, Andy. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. Andy... Curtain. Curtain.

Jesus Christ. There you go. And I am available, but, you know, make me an offer, and we'll see. I do want to go to China, but, you know, we'll see. I prefer business class, obviously, on flights of that length. You'll have to go to the gym. You prefer business class? Yeah, prefers. No one length. You'll have to go to the gym. You prefer business class? Yeah, he prefers.

No one prefers coach. Yeah. That's a good point. So your preference is not the same. And a special thanks to Michael Che, first African-American host of Weekend Update. I don't know if you know that. I didn't know that. Why does he get a special thanks for that?

First African-American to wait for four hours for a ride. Because he is, by his own admission, a D-list celebrity. I would have put you at B. I would say E. B plus. I don't know. Chick-fil-A. I'll go to One Oak tonight in sweatpants, and I'll let you know.

Yeah, there you go. That's the true test. That's the test. If I got to wait in line, if it's a five hour line For that shit If you can get in Hey What about that kid Now if you're

If you're E Then what about that kid Who did all those imitations At his high school graduation On YouTube Oh that was pretty good actually Dang He's higher than me

I don't know where he is He's on Ellen He's an A-lister So anyway Thank you everybody We'll see you next time And Chris Montella Chris Gonzalez

Or Rodriguez I forgot the name. Gonzalez. Gonzalez. Thank you. She married one of your people. Yeah. You should keep a list of everyone just in there.

Piss Piper. Now, you don't feel so bad, right? He doesn't even know my last name. What are you writing down? We've been co-hosting this show for eight years. What have you been writing down? What do you mean, what have I been writing down? You have papers with nobody's name on them.

This is my, I don't need them anymore, but this was my jokes from my Fallon submission. You brought your jokes where you didn't write down the guest names. I know most of the guests and I figured I'd remember it. It's a Christian. She's still

basically Chris Montella. Okay, thank you everybody and we'll see you next time.