The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Chris Distefano and Noam's Wife Juanita

Episode Date: September 7, 2016

Chris Distefano and Noam's Wife Juanita

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Okay, now watch this. Ready? Ready, Dan? Sometimes, go ahead. I don't want to do it. One, two, a one, two, three. Some, come on, Dan. Come on, Dan. Yeah, that's great. Sometimes I feel like I'm too low. Sometimes I feel I've got to get away from the...

I don't know the words. Yes, you do. Get away, I've got to... And I'll run to you. Start over. No, we're not going to cut this out. Sometimes I feel I've got to Get away, I've got to

Run away from this All right, let's get with the show. I thought that could be good, Dan, if only you didn't pussy out. Well, that's what I do oftentimes. Dan sings great, and then... He does. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to the Comedy

Show here on SiriusXM Channel 99, Raw Dog, the comedy channel. We're here with Dan Natterman. Filling in for Krista Montella is my beautiful... Will you stop watching TV? My beautiful wife, Juanita B. Harry Dwarman. I don't go by that name anymore.

And Liz Foriotti. We got Krista Stefano's gonna join us in a minute. But Dan, of course, wants to bring us up to date. Go ahead, Dan. What's going on in this week, the year of our Lord, whatever it is. Go ahead. Well, I did want to ask Liz, since we have her here, a Pacific question.

I don't want to answer. Did you say Pacific? A Pacific question. He did. Go ahead. And know him, obviously. Liz is our general manager here at the Comedy Cellar. With regard to... And the co-host of the Misery Loves Company podcast with Kevin Brennan.

If anybody can be considered a co-host, go ahead. Well, actually, I was talking about this with somebody else. Around the corner, just to bring our listeners up to date, we have a show every Friday and Saturday called Inside Joke. Yes. Which, upstairs at the bar, Noam made that into performance space, and we have a show called Inside Joke. Yes. Which, upstairs at the bar, Noam made that into performance space, and we have a show called Inside Joke,

and basically it's the same show as all the other shows, except we don't announce who's on. Correct. And the question comes up, where does that, the idea of not announcing who's on, how does that benefit, how is that of benefit, and how does that, why do we do that? It was Liz's idea.

I like it. It was my idea. It came in a dream, Natterman. I think it was Ryan Hamlin. Somebody brought up the point that, and I don't know if this is true or false, that the audience thinks they're getting a lesser show and that if you put up who is on the show, they'll know that it's the same show as all the other shows.

I think the audience generally always wants to be here first, to be on McDougal Street downstairs, and then after that they'll take the Village Underground and then the Pussycat. And yeah, right now we're not releasing the lineups. I like the idea of not knowing who's going to be on. It could be somebody famous or somebody not famous. Well, it could always be somebody famous because they're not on the lineup anymore.

And what is it, $10? And for $10, you never know who you're going to see. But $15 is lower than the show cost downstairs. Correct. Right. So in other words, the audience might perceive this for that reason as a lesser show. And if you put up who's on the show, they'll know that it's pretty much the same show. And that might have some value.

You might be right. My idea was that to create a show there which was more spontaneous, where anything could happen, where anybody could get up, anybody who happened to show up, to kind of keep it loose in order to have flexibility. But, you know, maybe that's just not panning out.

On the weekends, it's hard right now to have flexibility because there are so many shows and everything is timed so perfectly that five minutes here or there throws three shows for a loop. Maybe we should try it now, seeing the lineup, because maybe people who like particular comics will want to go to that show, and then maybe they'll be more enthusiastic about the... Let's do it. Anything else you want to talk about? Well, I also would mention that I'm hot off my first Conan TBS

appearance, that you might have seen. Yay! Congratulations! Congratulations. I saw it. Hold on. What are you doing, Liz? Mike Yard is calling me. I think he's hosting. This is what it's like.

This is the glamorous life. Go ahead, Liz. Mike Yard, MC tonight, is calling Liz with some bullshit excuse. What are you doing? You're hosting? Is he late? At 7.30. And where are you now? No, I'm working. Where are you right now You're hosting? Is he late? At 7.30. And where are you now?

No, I'm working. Where are you right now? Oh, my God. Tell him this isn't a Wilmore show. Noam wants you to understand that this is not the Larry Wilmore show. This is the comedy cellar. All right. So, go ahead, Dan.

Let me know, Noam, and I'll stay away. No, I was just saying I'm certainly open to any praise that anybody wishes to give me. If not, we can move on. Oh, the Conan thing. Well, first of all, this is the thing about Dan. Dan gets these late night talk shows

and then he badmouths them and he thinks it means nothing. So I've learned to not mention them to him because usually he gets negative. But then if you don't mention it to him, he gets like, nobody's mentioning my Conan show. Well, you bring up a good point.

So then how do we close that paradox? It's a very feminine quality of yours, Dan. It's very wife-like. Well, I never deny that I have a feminine character to me. Very effete. He is kind of wifey on this show.

No, you know, what these shows do for me is they provide me with about two or three days. Because now with the social media, what I didn't get my first 10 plus years ago when I did these shows is a lot of compliments on Facebook that I do enjoy reading. And that comes usually for the next two days or so. And then it kind of drops off. And now it's kind of gone now and leaving me face to face with a cold and different universe but for a couple of days it is sort of a band-aid over my existential um you know

crisis that i'm in reading those comments about how great it was and most of them were very positive i think conan is no longer part of the popular zeitgeist. And I think it just doesn't get... Is that the right word? I don't think it gets that much attention. Well, but it gets as much attention as any other show. No, I think that... I've done them, and I'm telling you that it gets as much attention as any other show.

I would imagine Conan's ratings are significantly less than... And his viral... It's not Fallon. I'll tell you that. It's not Fallon. But Fallon really doesn't have stand-up. Well, Fallon doesn't have a lot of stand-ups on. You had like Jack Dye

and someone else. He has some stand-ups on now and again. Among the shows that have stand-ups, Conan is as relevant as anybody, and I'd done Letterman several times when he was on the air. You know, in terms of the number of Twitter followers I get and the number of Facebook likes and the number of...

The YouTube video that they put up from the show has already surpassed anything I ever got on Letterman. Oh, really? Yeah, that's what everyone says. Everyone says the YouTube is... The YouTube is they have a better presence. And then, you know, so again... How many hits? Well, right now we're about 50,000.

I'm not sure... Oh, wow. I don't think it'll go too much more because we're several days out. And, of course, I'm comparing and despairing because Marina Franklin, for example, had 150. And I don't know necessarily what accounts for that. But in any case. Can you introduce your friend, Chris? Chris DiStefano.

Well, he's all of our friends. Go ahead. Isn't he? I think I'm friendly. Chris DiStefano. He's a friend of mine, but not that we call each other on the phone. I'm a friend of the table. I'm a friend of the room.

You're a friend of ours. Yeah. But we invited you here for a specific reason. Well, Chris has an interesting backstory. If you're a fan of the show, you know that Chris has a pretty interesting story. He met a woman and proceeded to impregnate her within the week. That's how I roll.

And so now they have a baby. He barely knows this woman. Right. We've known each other for two years and we have an almost 16-month old baby. My God. Oh, so you didn't impregnate her right away. I thought you impregnated her like that week. Yeah, well, it was.

I met her. Oh, right. That makes sense. Oh, yeah. I forgot about the nine months that it takes. That's right.

So, yeah, so you impregnated her immediately and then you've decided to not only you decided to keep the child, but you decided to go one step further and keep

the mother. You know, you're keeping her around. I kept, yeah. I have a whole, you know, little Puerto Rican family now. That's great. I do, too, by the way. Yeah, I know. That's why we have the connection there.

But Noam did the exact opposite of you did. Noam knew Juanita for 20 years before he got the idea that maybe we can have a family together. I think I did impregnate her right away, though. Oh my God. So let's take a moment of silence for the 20-year-old that is not here. That would have probably been a great kid.

She is Puerto Rican. Oh, Lord. So anyway, she is Puerto Rican. Oh, Lord. Yeah, so anyway, Chris is an interesting guy. He looks like a jockey meathead, right? Right. Is that fair to say? Sure, yeah. And yet he is tender as a lamb.

Very tender. I grew up around all women. But that's not enough to account for. Was your dad around? He was there. No, my dad was a great dad. But it was my mom, her three sisters, and their daughters, and me in the house. So how manly can you really get?

Well, I think you can get quite manly. Yeah, but it's hard to be like a man when you're using herbal essence shampoo. I hear you, but I think there's more to this story. Dan was raised by all men. I was raised by all men. I was raised by... By wolves. I had women in the house, too, but yeah. No, I think there's more to it.

And I think you have a genuine feminine side. Maybe he's a little... You're saying he's... He's a fag. Have you been accused of that? Huh? Have you been accused of being gay? Have people made that...

I think... Proposition. Not never to my face, because I'm, you know, I'm too big for someone to say that to my face. Well, I'm going to say it right here and now. On Twitter, though, like social media, you know. Yeah, but I mean, that's what every, I mean,

first of all, I feel like I went to Catholic high school, right? So in my group of friends, it was like, if I called you a homo, that meant like we were cool, you know? So everyone had like an effeminate, nobody was like sucking, I'm not saying we were sucking each other's dicks, but people were like, let me see your dick, bro. And then you just pull out like, and then move on, you know?

Did that happen in every boy's locker room? That's so weird. In my gig last Tuesday night, Colin and Nick were drunk, and Nick's like, come on, let me see that cock. Let me see that cock. To Colin. And Colin was about to pull out his dick,

and I'm like, I gotta get out of here. Growing up, same, pretty much similar upbringing. If you didn't, like, then it was probably because you were gay, and then we were new to like,

we would know to like back off. If you didn't. If you didn't. Like there was this one kid. Oh, that's interesting. There was this one kid in my high school who never partook in that stuff and he's openly gay now. Probably because he worried that he might pull it out and it might be harder than... Times in 29.

You know, some of the other... Oh yeah, it's got to be limp. This is just all too strange. You can't have the other... You don't pull your dick out, I know you're gay. Yeah. Like that's weird. It's weird shit, but that's what happens growing up here.

You can't have a star in your eye in front of my Italian father. It's always fucking gay jokes with him. Like, oh yeah, star, come on, Chris. What, cum shot? What'd you get that from? This is what he does. My dad takes situations that aren't gay, makes them gay, then involves some Latino guy I've never heard of.

That's this guy's move. That's his move. Since I'm three years old, that's the guy's move. Every's that's his move since I'm three years old that's the guy's move every Thanksgiving I got to hear about this shit yo is a stiff neck is that a gay thing that's a head and neck muscle spasm you get a stiff neck it's not gay okay it happens I was sleeping wrong on the pillow okay was drafting my daddy always I was like I came down I get a stiff neck dad guess it was sleeping wrong on the pillow he's like Chris

come on sleeping wrong on the pillow you are blowing Roberto last night who's Roberto come on Chris your Latin boyfriend

Roberto you think I don't know? You like Latin guys with those lips. Come on, I know that shit. What the fuck are you talking about? This kid sucks Goya dick. That's what he said to me once. What the hell does that mean?

Goya dick? Did you just say that at Thanksgiving? Goya dick. He does it to me all the time. Remember last month, the Oscars and the Nick game were on the same exact time. He wants to test me. He's like, what do you want to do tonight?

You want to watch the Oscars, or you want to watch your Nick game? You want to watch the Oscars? You could go do that shit with Julio. I was like, who the hell is Julio? Your Latin boyfriend, Hula. You're thinking, oh, no? I know Julio.

Come on. You're fucking, that's what you like, Sassoon dick. That's what you like all day. Fucking Julio. I was like, I thought it was Roberto.

He's like, oh, so it is Roberto. That's who it was. Fucking guy, salsa dancing dick. Can I cut to the chase? So Chris,

not to the chase. Chris Bragg, his girlfriend, who is both his muse, is that what they call him? His muse. Because she's inspired a whole mother load of humor for him, but also makes his life difficult

at times. She was going to come on the show here to discuss it. So I brought, not to be one-upped, I brought my own Puerto Rican difficult wife. It would have been great. And then she backed out telling me about a Zumba class.

We'd be high-fiving. We'd be doing the whole... Yeah, the most Puerto Rican excuse ever, Zumba. So she's, yeah, she's teaching Zumba all night. But she wants to come on. And she, listen,

she, I'm happy happy that i wish that she would have been here because maybe we could have clarified because i told you that once like a couple months ago when i met juanita i was talking about how my night was to jasmine and i was like oh i met gnome's wife the owner of the club she's spanish too and she was like really and then like asking all these questions like is she pretty how old is she and he was like, really? And then like asking all these questions, like, is she pretty? How old is she? And I was like, no, I'm just saying like they would be good, like I said, you know, he's got a Spanish

wife, I have a Spanish thing. I'm like, I just thought, he was like, she was like, so go be with her then. I was like, no. She's not available. I'm not talking, you know what I mean? Like I was just trying to be nice, but it's, you know,

with her. He's a jealous woman. With her, you know what I'm saying? Well, this is the kind of stuff that inspired his show. Yeah.

Well, we'll get to the show in a second. You always, I'm always like, with her, it's like, I never know, like,

the next word I say or move I make, if that's gonna, if now I'm gonna blow, you know, step on a landmine. I don't know. You don't know.

That's what I was saying with her. Oh, really? And then, and then just the very act of avoiding the landmines becomes, right't know. You don't know. I was hanging with her. Oh, really? And then just the very act of avoiding the landmines becomes, right? Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. What landmines are you avoiding exactly?

We're interviewing Chris, not me now, honey. You're the one that brought it up? I love this. No, I'm bringing it up in terms of him. Yeah, so now,

like even today actually, I've just been being quiet. I've been being more quiet. Oh, don't do that. Because I just feel like, you know what? I don't want to say anything. We just got over a big fight. Like, it's fine.

And then she comes into the room today and she was like, why are you being so quiet? And I was like, I don't know. I just figured like, you know, you're cooking. You want your space. She goes, why are you being so quiet? Let me ask, what are you hiding from me? I'm like, I'm not hiding anything from you. I'm just fucking scared of you.

So I'd rather just sit in my room and not talk. And, you know, so it's like one of the, it's like I can't. Chris, I'm going to do you a favor. Figure it out. I don't offer this to everybody, by the way. Oh, yes. Going back to Catholic high school? I'm going to seduce your wife.

And you will then, that will then get, then she won't be able to say shit. Yeah. Because, you know, you'll be able to, well, you fucked Dan Aderman. Now I can do what I want. Exactly. So you keep, you think about that. That's brilliant, actually. That's like a Hitchcock movie.

Yeah. Oh, my. That would be beautiful. Well, you know, it's something I don't offer lightly, but you're a friend. Right. So, but the thing is, so now you have a, can you talk about it? You have a show that's. Yeah.

Yeah. We'll have a pilot with CBS about my life. So just before you go into the pilot, just my question is, because it pertains to everything, is that she's so... She's so irritable. I don't know what the word is.

She's so volatile. Right. Yet she knows that you've made her the centerpiece of your act now, right? And she's okay with that? She's okay with it because, you know, like any other comedian, like nothing is, like she'll do something and I don't tell the crowd or write the joke verbatim.

Then I'm just like, that's reality stuff. I write jokes about her so she'll do something and I'll try to create a whole thing. That's reality stuff. I write jokes about her, so she'll do something, and I'll try to create a whole thing. So when she listens to me, she's like, I never did any of that, but she did it in my mind. She'll do something, and I'll be like, wait, I'll twist it this way in my head to make it funny.

So in a way, it's a hyper-exaggerated version of her, so she's very much like, that's not me. All right. But you've done a lot of work convincing her that she shouldn't take this personally. Oh, yeah. Well, no. The bottom line is, I'm like, look, when we first met, I was like, I talk about my life. If you become a part of it, you'll be spoken about. But it's how we make money. We're surviving off this.

You don't have to worry about anything. We're doing alright. She's a part of it. She's cool with it, I think. I think she thinks it's cool. Well, I met her. Why do you wouldn't? It depends. I met her for the first time. I guess I've seen her before,

but I actually spoke with her for the first time, and I find her to be a lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely young lady. I'm passing Dan a $100 bill underneath the table as we speak. Is she going to listen to this show? Yeah, she might. Does she have SiriusXM? Yeah, she has it on our,

you know, she gets it off the TV on our phone. Oh, nice. The house. Well, anyway, I thought she's a very attractive, nice lady and I frankly can't believe she... I Twitter stalked her today. Twitter stalked her? Yeah, I got to see what she looked like. She's a very attractive, nice lady. And I frankly can't believe she... I Twitter stalked her today. Yep. You Twitter stalked her? Yeah, I got to see what she looked like.

She's very pretty. So now you want to tell us about the show. How did... Yeah, so I just want to know also with regard to the show, so also a little background, you know. What they used to do in this business is they would give people deals for sitcoms based kind of on what they talk about in their act.

And I think they've been doing it less and less over the years, but maybe they're bringing it back. How did they get, what was it, CBS? So what happened was these guys, Craig Thomas and Carter Bays, they created How I Met Your Mother. They saw me here at the cellar one night, and then they came up to me after and were like, you know, we think that there could be a whole show about you,

so let's start a process. So our agents, you know, got together. We have the same agency, and we would, you know, go in their office. We sat here in the booth a couple of times and just started kind of honing what about my life they think they could make a pilot story. So we came up with that, and then we set up meetings in LA. But what did they say? What part of your life? They were like, oh, yeah, we want that Puerto Rican side of pilot story. So we came up with that and then we set up meetings in LA. But what did they say?

What part of your life? They were like, oh yeah, we want that Puerto Rican side of the story. Well, yeah, that, like the,

really like the blending of like an Italian, you know, family with a Spanish family, you know, with just having a baby, with getting to know, getting to know a new culture,

a new woman, how to be a dad, all that stuff. Like all that stuff is like what sitcoms. And also the idea that you don't really know her for that. I mean, you impregnated her fairly quickly.

That would play into it. Right, it's like getting to know your child and getting to know the mother at the same time, or in your wife. Does she have any, like, bad influence uncles and stuff that you have to worry about? You mean, like, in real life? No.

No, because my dad takes care of... Probably trumps any part of that. Yeah, my dad's side takes care of any of her problems. Not about you, Norm, okay? I'm just asking. Oh, is that a personal thing? Yeah. Yeah, a little bit.

How many of you had the same experience? No. Her family is great. Her family is very supportive, and they're very good people. And she's a her family is great. Her family is like very supportive and they're very good people. And she's a great person too. She really is. It's just,

you know, it's just, we just met and we had a baby so there's gonna be, there's no way to not go through that without problems.

What about relationship counseling? That didn't work out? No, it's just, you know, it's like too, yeah, it doesn't work.

Now you, I think you had told me just to review when you, the night of conception, you were kind of, in your mind, it wasn't an accident. Or at least it wasn't entirely an accident. I knew what I was doing.

Right. There was something deeper, I think, inside me. Maybe I just wanted to have a kid. And I was like, you know what? You know what? Everything's going great. Everything's going great. Let's throw a monkey wrench in there.

You're like, it's been a week, so let me just make a baby? For real? Yeah, I just got passed in the comedy show. It's been my dream. Let's throw a monkey wrench in there. You're like, it's been a week, so let me just make a baby? For real? Yeah, I just got passed in the comedy show. It's been my dream. Let's have a fucking kid. Well, you know, I mean. Let's do it.

Look, the thing is, if you don't want a kid bad enough, you probably wouldn't have the kid. Oh, yeah. So it's like it's how much of a risk you're willing to take. I'm not saying you impregnate her on purpose, but you didn't do what I usually do, which was pull out quite a bit beforehand. Right. Well, that's very true.

How far beforehand? Far enough. Minutes? I'm very, very, very cautious. Right. Because I really don't want a kid. How about you just wear a condom and be cautious? And I really don't.

Crazy. Well, if I wear a condom, I'll pull it out and check the condom midway through to make sure that it is still intact. Because I, A, don't want a baby. B, don't want to have an abortion. That, to me, I just don't want to do that. It's hard, yeah. So I take extra. But you, you played it right to the edge of the cliff, it sounds to me like.

You were not wearing a condom? I was, but then I took it off. Shut up. Are you serious? She was too hot. I was like, I'm going to take it off. I was just so attracted to her. And then you blasted entire... Yeah, fucking Mountain Dew blast. So it sounds to me like

you had not even the slightest precaution that you were taking. No. And people, you know, when she was pregnant, you know, my peers were like, oh, it's going to ruin your career, it's going to do this, it's going to do that, but... But it's done the opposite. Mountain Dew is like a bright green color.

That's all I'm thinking about. I was on steroids at the time. Maybe it don't mean Mountain Dew, but anyway. But, you know, I feel like I have... I think because with me, like, you know, before I even started comedy, I was a physical therapist and, you know, went all the way through graduate school and have this like big safety net that it's very much like nothing scares me. Like, I want to do well in this career. I really do. I want to.

But it's like if you took it away from me tomorrow, I'd definitely be upset about it. And but I'd be like But I can still survive off. I'm a physical therapist. I have a doctorate degree. So my friends, my peers who are like, it's going to ruin your life. I was like, maybe it'll ruin your life. But I fucking set shit up before. I set up a safety net for myself before.

I'm not buying it. If this goes south and you have to go back to physical therapy, we're going to find you hanging from a tree somewhere. I'm definitely in too deep now in this career, but what I'm saying is if it happened, it's more of a mental thing. Mentally, I'm like,

look, I'm going to... So I think that's played into... Well, who's telling you that your career... These are people that are not comics that told you your career is over, I assume.

No, you know, in the beginning, your friends are like, that's going to be so bad for your career. You know, I mean, we've known people that have had kids. We know several, in know, in the beginning, your friends are like, that's going to be so bad for your career. You know, I mean, we've known people that have had kids. We know several, in fact, that are comics,

and not one of them has broken their stride in the comedy business. No, it motivates you. It motivates you, and it gives you that extra material. I didn't realize that enough. I've got to talk about my nieces and nephews. There's nothing there.

Yeah. I got one joke about, you know, about not molesting them, and that's why I'm a good uncle. Great uncle. There're a great uncle. There's a chicken and egg thing. Some people are reluctant to take on responsibilities because they feel they're not ready for them. Right.

But then the truth is I think that when you take on the responsibilities, then you get ready for them. Then you rise to the occasion. Right. Yeah, that's what I realize now. I have a cousin who's 22 years old. He's not in a similar situation, but he's having a baby and he's upset. And he's like, I'm not going to be able to do it. And I'm like, look, when you get thrown into it, you're going to be able to do it.

Like, there's never a right time. People are like, I want to wait to have a baby. It's like you're going to wait until it's too late. Like, if you think just – if the baby comes, you'll figure it out. You'll make it work. Somehow you'll make it work. But also, you knew all this, which is why you didn't wear a condom. Right. I don't buy any of that.

Because in the back of Chris's mind, he knew that he could handle this. What do you mean no? What do you mean no? He wanted that kid. Listen, I think that he's a person. He's committed. He says, you know what? I made my bed.

I'm going to sleep in it. He's a committed person. He's responsible. He's committed. Not all men are that way. That's a person. He's committed. He says, you know what? I made my bed. I'm going to sleep in it. He's a committed person. He's committed. Not all men are that way. That's a great thing. But he wouldn't have taken that risk if he didn't have. I don't think that's why he took the risk. Yeah.

Of course it is. If he knew that a baby would destroy him, he would have pulled out and blasted on her. No one says, oh, this baby's going to destroy me in the middle of sex, okay? You know, Tipsy. I do. One Tito's in soda. He was drunk then. We're not teenagers.

We're grown men. And I think most grown men, when they're having sex, have that in mind. No, you know what? No, they don't. Go ahead. Maybe not in your culture.

You mean in your culture, because that's what I married. I don't think he thought about it. I have the note seven. Yeah. This is the one that blows up, apparently. You know, the one they recalled? Yeah. And Esty's like, you have to go take that note back. This is the one that blows up, apparently. You know, the one they recalled? Yeah.

And Esty's like, you have to go take that note back. I'm like, Esty, it's a 24 out of a million. She goes, no, what's the matter with you? You can't. I'm like, Esty, when you've had as much unprotected sex as I have, you think you're sweating 24 out of a million on your thumb? So what I'm saying is that there's all this talk out there about everybody being so careful with sex,

but nobody is. Even the girls don't even expect you to wear a condom. No, no, no. Well, but Noam, you've had some, you know, you've impregnated some women over the years. What? What? Juanita has two children.

What are you talking about? What the hell does it matter with you? What the fuck does it matter with you? Didn't you just say at the beginning of the show that you impregnated Juanita 20 years ago? Did you not just say at the beginning of the show that you impregnated Juanita 20 years ago? Did you not say that at the beginning of the show? Did I say that, honey? Yeah, but you didn't mean it that way.

Oh, shit. I impregnated my first girlfriend in high school. All right, this is way off topic. You guys are like, what are you talking about? It's not exactly off topic. We're talking about getting women pregnant But go ahead And Chris has also admitted that he kind of wanted to impregnate her

Was she the first woman you got pregnant? No, that's the thing, she wasn't I had gotten a girlfriend before that pregnant And then immediately once she told me There was something inside me That was like, no, this is not right So we made a decision to not keep it And then with Jasmine Even though I knew her for fucking five minutes When she was like, no, this is not right. So we made a decision to not keep it.

And then with Jasmine, even though I knew her for fucking five minutes, when she was like, I'm pregnant, something inside me was like, you have to do this. Something inside me was like, if I get rid of this, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. And now that I have my daughter, if I would have gotten rid of her, then I would have fucking killed myself. Well, no, because now you know her. Now to think backwards and say if you got rid of her it would have been... Nobody's that deep in thought when they're meeting up

and hooking up and having sex. He was playing the odds. That's it. But you told me you wanted to kind of in the back of your mind impregnate her. Yeah, I think... That's kind of sick.

You know what's sick? You know what's the sickest thing? I really... Now that time has went by and I think... It doesn't really matter what the reason is anymore because I have my daughter

and my whole life changed. But I think that the reason one of the reasons why i think i may have been playing like this russian roulette with her is because she had a child i liked her so much like when i saw her i was like i'm like in love with this girl at first sight and then when she was like she had a child it was like a sinking feeling where I was like, I'm only going to be able to like feel equal to her if we have a kid too. And it was like this, that weird psychosis in my head. So I wonder if she didn't have a child, I would have maybe not intentionally, or like I would have been more careful. It's weird. I've only retrospectively started to realize that that's probably why I did that. Cause it's very hard, even for my family. Like, look, we love the baby. We love, but why would you do that on like the first date?

Why would you do that and not be careful? And I was like, well, I think it's because of that. I think it's because the only way I could feel emotionally equal to her was if we had a kid too. Because I felt like if I go out with her, she has the father of the first child that's still in the picture. I'm going to feel like I'm meaningless. I'm going to feel like it's not going to work. Something inside me says you have to make it work with this girl. So stupid logic was like, maybe just have a baby.

I'm so happy that you're telling this story. You know why? Because before, people just say, oh, he's got a baby mama. She's Puerto Rican. Automatically, they think, oh, this girl got pregnant. This girl tried... She told me when she was... But in reality, it was you.

Yeah, because she was like, I'm going to get rid of this. She was like, I don't know you that well. You don't know me. I already have a son. She's like, I can't risk this. She's like, so I'm going to get rid of it. And then I was like, no. I was like, you can't. I was like, I'll take the so I'm going to get rid of it. And then I was like, no. I was like, you can't.

I was like, I'll take the baby. You can't get rid of it. And no part of your brain was thinking there's a sitcom and here's someone. He's a mastermind. Now, what's the story with her and her first kid? You know, he lives with me, too. My stepson, he's a good kid. He's six. So he's six

years old. He doesn't know what the fuck is going on. If I had that dad on the show, would he be telling the same story as you? Like, I just knew I loved to have a baby with this woman. Well, now his dad does stand-up comedy, actually. Oh, God. Really? Are you serious? Yeah. When did that start? I think a year or two ago. Wow.

See how it happens, honey? That's weird. That doesn't bother you? Well, no. Wow. See how it happens, honey? That's weird. That doesn't bother you? Well, no. I mean, he told me. He was like, look, I know coincidentally you come into my son's life and you're a stand-up comic. He's like, but I've always wanted to do it. He's like, and I was going to do it before I met you.

Before I even heard about you, I was already enrolled in a comedy class. Were they ever together? Were they ever boyfriend and girlfriend? Oh yeah, they were together for about four or five years. And did she know he wanted to be... Is she like attracted to comedians? No, no, no. He wasn't a comedian. He only became a comedian since... The real issue here is that there's so many fucking comedians.

I mean, you know 20 years ago that would have never happened because comedians were so rich. Now, comedian is a legitimate career choice. Yes. There's so many outlets for comedy. Not in a Jewish home, it's not. Well, I don't know about that, but there's so many outlets for comedy now that, you know, a group of, a random group of 10 people, one of them just might well be at the UCB.

Well, now these comedy schools, I mean, you could be a teacher at one of these comedy schools and make six figures in a year just teaching comedy. How the fuck do you teach comedy? Wow. Some of these people make a lot of money because they do private courses and all that. They have a lot of classes. Oh, yeah.

They build on it. Rick Perlman is like six classes going at the same time. Yeah. Wow. I need to get a piece of that. He uses the Comedy Cellar name, for Christ's sake.

He doesn't give me a dime. He's outsourced to other teachers. Wow. Yeah, he has a faculty now. What? You're not on the faculty? I got to whip my beak a little bit on that. Just a little taste.

Oh, my Lord. What kind of business man are you? I thought you were. You're not getting anything from Rick Fromm's Comedy School? Zero. Zero. Don't you know my husband? He just gives it all away.

All I get is the potential liability if he fucks somebody and they sue the Comedy Cellar. That's right. Yeah. zero zero don't you know my husband he just gives it all away all I get is the potential liability if he fucks somebody and they sue the comedy seller that's right yeah and I don't mean fuck like a little Asian boy

I mean like like you know if he screws if somebody feels that they they hey I'm I paid all this money and I'm still not funny

I want to sue you that kind of thing that kind of thing yeah we have to Rose take a I mean Liz Liz take a, I mean, let's take a memo.

We need to take a, oh, Paul McTierney. So where's the show at? You're at the pilot stage. You're writing the script or you finished the script? We're writing the script. For the pilot. Do you have a pilot deal? So the pilot is definitely going to get shot? Yes, we have a pilot commitment because what happened was we sold the show. We got offers from

CBS, NBC, and ABC. So we had leverage. So CBS gave us the sweetest deal and the network that we wanted to work with. So they said, you know what, we'll give you an actual pilot commitment. Because if you don't get, so how it works is if you sell a show,

maybe a network will buy 40 scripts and then out of the 40 scripts, they'll maybe choose 10 of them to make pilots, and then out of those 10 pilots, they'll make one or two that'll actually, you'll see the television show on the air. So they just skipped the stage. They were like, instead of one out of 40 chance,

we'll give you like a one out of 10 chance. So it was a big deal for them to do that. It's a huge, you know, because more than, you know, 70% of these shows kick off. What is the tentative title for the show? Is it named after you like every other show on the air these days? Yeah, we don't have a name yet.

I love Chrissy. I love Chrissy, yeah. Let me see your dick. Let me see your dick. Are you going to be a stand-up comic in the show? No, no, probably, most likely be a physical therapist. Oh. Yeah.

I have a question for you. This is a serious question. If I were in your situation, I would be studying, because we all know very, very, very talented comedians and very, very talented comedy writers who have just had the worst stink bombs of sitcoms. Right. You don't want to be that guy, right? Right.

So if I were in your shoes, and I presume you're doing this, I'd be studying the most important sitcoms throughout history and trying to glean what things, if anything, that they all have in common that you wanted to make sure that you had in your show and what mistakes that bad ones have made that you don't want

to do. Right. Have you had thoughts about those things? I have. I got lucky because before I even sold the show, I had met and spoke with at length to Ray Romano.

We were doing a show together in Boston and his advice to me was, he was like, you know, because he watched my stand up and he was like,

you know, when we started talking, he was like, you know, you could probably do a sitcom about your life because you got the Spanish girl

and the mafia dad and all that and that was, you know, months and months before this even happened. But when we were talking, he was like, if you get the sitcom, what you should do is watch your family, like really, really, really watch them.

And he's like, don't try to make it funny. Like, you know, just watch them and write stuff down about what happened, like almost a journal. And then you go into the writer's room and you talk about what's relatable to the other writers. So, you know, maybe everybody's grandma said this at Christmas, or maybe it's everybody's thing. And then, because he said, you guys are, you know, in the writer's room, you're funny.

You're all comedians who are going to be writing. So the funny is going to come out. He was like, don't try to make a family situation that's so wacky, because then it doesn't work. It's not believable. Make something like, you know, yeah. But that's so wacky because then it doesn't work. It's not believable. Make something like, you know, yeah. That's not what Noam is saying.

No, it is. What Noam is saying is study sitcoms and see what works and what doesn't work, which unfortunately, if it were that easy, every sitcom would be a success. Well, the truth is that just like, you know, I mean, this is a dumb example, but you know how there's like five pizzerias in Manhattan that have great pizza and all the rest are mediocre? Right.

How fucking hard is it? Like you would think that everybody who opened a pizzeria would study the best pizza and say, listen, I'm not going to, I'm going to make sure my pizza is as good as,

they don't. They don't. It seems so obvious, but for whatever reason, people, their ego doesn't allow them or they're not, they're not able to take the criticism.

But people don't actually do what it is we're speaking about. Well, with me, like, I always make a choice on stage to talk about something that honestly happened to me. So this way, like, I don't just talk about general, in general, what Puerto Ricans are like or in general, what Italians are like. I talk about my specific life because then, you know, when I first started coming, I was like, this way nobody can ever steal it from me. It's my stuff. Like, you know, not everybody's dad has a friend named Bobby Petz.

That's a real person. You can't take that. I don't know about the mafia. I'm not claiming. I mean, my dad's probably involved, most likely. He's just, I've never asked him. I don't want to get whacked. But I just know, just by, like, his friends, they all have a first name and then a nickname. That's a very mafia thing right there. I don't know these guys' last names. It's just the first name and the nickname. And these are real people.

Like, my dad's best friend, Tommy Pinesalls. I was like, what? Why do you call him Tommy Pinesalls? He's like, he cleans things up. Don't ask questions. What, are you wearing a wire? Who is this kid? I'm like, I'm your son. Bobby Pets? Who doesn't even have dogs and cats.

You would think Bobby Pets would have something domesticated. He doesn't. He has, like, exotic, illegal pets. I don't know how he gets them into New York City or any city. And I'm the guy he always calls, Chrissy! What's up, dude? It's pets. Bro, come over. Just got a penguin. What?

You live in a basement apartment in Brooklyn, New York. He's like, yeah, I know, and I have a penguin, so it's hilarious. Come over, dude. Take a selfie with the penguin. Put it on face-gram. That's what he calls it. He can never get it right. This guy has no idea what to do with a penguin. He got through third grade,

and now he's handling live exotic animals? He makes it up. He's like, yeah, you know, I feed the penguin nuts, and it's good. I'm like, okay, that's a hundred percent wrong. Just so we're clear, they don't have nuts in the Arctic circle, Bobby. So the penguin's probably going to die. And then what are you going to do with a dead penguin? He's like, I don't know. Pine soils will clean it up. I'll get another penguin. All right, guys. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. I think that the worst sitcoms put too much emphasis, what Ray was saying, on the joke and the punchline.

And I think that comedy writers, so many of them, they see the world that way. So everything they set up is just a way to get their joke in. But the truth is that people who watch sitcoms and love them and remember episodes they love, they don't even remember the punchlines. They remember this really funny situation and these characters that they really enjoy. And that, I think, is a thousand times more important

than any particular line or any particular joke. I think comedians in general, they worry about the too long going without laugh. And I don't think the best sitcoms have this high rate of laughs all the time. They're just fun to watch. Yeah, and I think fun to watch and also

where you can't be so over the top funny, you can be interesting and real. Do you study classic shows like The Odd Couple or Mary Tyler Moore Show? I don't. I love Lucy, which kind of sounds

like your situation. Yeah, yeah. It's similar to that. It's more than just Chris. He's going to have a writing staff. You know, it's not... And I don't know

how much power he's going to have in the writer's room. Listen, everybody I know who has a bitter story about how things didn't go they wanted to... They all have the same story.

I didn't fucking put my foot down. Right. They all say that. Right. Don't forget constantly. Well no

we know. I'll tell you they're like I didn't I knew this was a problem I didn't fucking take control. Assuming you have power to take control.

You always have the power. You don't always have the power. You always have the power. You don't always have the power. Yes you do. No because Chris is not the boss. It's like when they made you

change your joke. You had the power. You don't always have the power. Yes, you do. No, because Chris is not the boss of the show. It's like when they made you change your joke. You had the power. When you have three or four networks bidding for you, you have all the power. No, because he's with very powerful people. You stay out of this, Chris. I'm the boss of my stand-up act. Chris is not the boss of this sitcom.

He's got the network. He is the boss. I don't care if it's his life. He's got the network, and he's got the two's got How I Met Your Mother. He's got the network. He is the boss. I don't care if it's his life. He's got the network and he's got the two guys from How I Met Your Mother. And I know if there's something really that I think a joke or a part of my act

really should be in or cultivated, I would say it, but there's a lot of trust that I'm putting in them because those guys have made successful shows. I haven't. They can't tell me what to do on stand-up because I'm the expert in that as compared to them. But in this situation, I'm in there.

And as far as putting your foot down, I'm glad you brought that up because I put my foot down very recently with regard to this show. And for that reason, I caused somebody to resign which was not my intention. Esty will be back then. I don't know if you want to get into that or not.

You know what this cocksucker did? I paid somebody every week to book the show for us. And you made it very clear to this individual that I have final say that I can veto any of his guest ideas. Did you not say that to him? Yeah, because I know you're a prima donna, but I— Well, because I'm trying to put my foot down.

Didn't you just say not more than five minutes ago? Do you think, Dan—and I don't want to take the light off of Chris here, but do you think, do you just think, Dan, that as you wield power, as you wield power, that you could do it in a judicious way such that you're aware, I don't want to push this guy too hard. Maybe I should call him. Maybe I should present it diplomatically. I don't want him to walk out. Dan is not aware. Rather than creating bitterness and acrimony.

How did I create acrimony? The guy said, I'm fucking out of here. I'm not dealing with Natterman one more day in my life. Okay. But that was an overreaction. I don't think that was. Listen, I deal with Natterman a lot. And I think that he did overreact a little and have some backbone.

Who overreacted? EDS. The guy who was booking the show. He overreacted. Every day Steve. Oh, every day Steve. Go ahead. He overreacted. He could just be like, every day Steve. Go ahead. He overreacted.

He could just be like, all right, Natterman, we'll work it out. We'll figure something out. What do you mean figure something out? I have veto power. Veto power means

I can say no. I agree with you, Natterman. He booked a guy who wrote scripts for Seinfeld and some other. But before he booked him, knowing that Natterman

had veto power, he should have said, hey, Natterman. Yes, you're right. But he wrote for Seinfeld and what was the But before he booked him, knowing that Natterman had veto power, he should have said, hey, Natterman. Yes, you're right. But he wrote for Seinfeld and what was the other show? Cheers, I believe. He wrote scripts, classic scripts for Seinfeld and Cheers.

So he stupidly thought, this would be a great guest for the Comedy Cellar show. Dan's like, I don't want that guy. I want Hal Sher. No, no. I want Modi. I didn't say I want Modi. I didn't say I want Modi.

I didn't say I want Modi. So this collaborator's like, fuck this shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I have veto power or do I not have veto power? This is the problem. If you presented this way, I would have told you to go fuck yourself too. But he should have just asked Natterman before he put the guy. Not that it's very hard.

I want to tell you to go fuck yourself. Why? Noam has veto power on who works here, right? Yes, I do. I don't question that. If I don't think he's making the right decision. I'm very happy you said that because I do have veto power. And do you know, I'm very careful how I wield my veto power with Esty and with Liz.

That's true. Actually, no one gets fired from here, right? No, that's not true. I will put my foot down because I understand. I understand that if I tell Esty, listen, I don't want to fire them, and it really takes a while. I will put my foot down, because I understand. I understand that if I tell Essie, listen, I don't want to put God. I already let slide several guests that I did not want on for precisely the reason that you are describing. Oh, my God. Okay, I had let slide several guests.

I hate to take Matterman's side. I'm waiting to get Adobo thrown at me. My wife put Adobo on my father's final turkey before he died. He loved it. That was the best turkey he ever had. I'm waiting to know Adobo and the turkey. It was too late. It was too late.

It was a great episode. It was a great. I got to tell you the story. Go ahead, Liz. Liz has a point to make and in my favor. So go ahead. I hate to agree with Matterman, but Matterman was miserable for a few weeks with the guests and he wasn't happy. He wasn't happy

on the show, before the show, after the show. Who's going to book the show? We're booking it right now. This is what he should have done. We've been booking it all along. He should have said, I'm not happy with the guests we've been booking. I was pretty clear.

Steve, why don't you come into the office? Let's have coffee and let's discuss this. We did discuss guests. He knew exactly the kinds of guests I wanted. And what's the difference? I have veto power. If he suggests a guest and I say no, what's the fucking problem? Okay, but what do you want me to say? The problem is this.

You want me to say no, but I'll tell you what the problem is. I'm not lifting a fucking finger to book guests on this show. So now you own it. You know what? We've been booking all along before, Steve. No, you mean now you will be booking. Now you'll be booking. You've been booking the whole fucking time.

You've never participated in booking anyone. Let me tell you. Guess what? You never lifted a finger before. Let me tell everybody. Well, he didn't. He doesn't have to. It's his table.

I got Ann Coulter. Let me tell everybody a lesson in life. Yeah. You take it easy. But at the point when you... Take it easy. I said no in a very nice way. But at the point when you decide you are ready to press the issue

to the point where somebody may walk out, you have plan B in advance. You don't fucking push Calabria to the point where he walks out until you've said you kind of like made in rows to someone else who could step into that job. Otherwise, you're left with nobody. Read the fucking Godfather, Dan. Everything you need to know about life is in the Godfather.

We're not left with nobody. We're left in the exact same position we were in before Calabria. Dan, don't hate your enemies. He's not my enemy. I have nothing against Steve, number one. Number two, all I did was say no, which was in my right to do. Dan, it's business, not personal. Would you shut up with this fucking Godfather?

Fucking shut up with that stupid Godfather? Dan, I'm the hunted one. I'm not that clever. It was an abortion, Michael. It was an'm the hunted one. I'm not that clever. It was an abortion, Michael. It was an abortion, Dan. It was an abortion, Chris. An abortion. I never expected him to walk out, ever.

This whole Jew thing has got to end. That is the problem. I never expected him to walk out for simply doing what you had told him. Steve, you can book the show. Now, it has veto power. So I used it. I never expected a reaction that strong because I simply used the veto power that I was given.

It's how you used it. How I used it, I said, no, I don't want this guest. I'm sorry. And then he came back and said, well, I think it'd be a good guest. And I'm saying, I just don't want to discuss it. I don't want this guest.

All right. You're boring, Chris. You're boring, Chris. I'm not boring, Chris. That's number one. Number two, so I never expected him to walk out. All I did was use my veto power. And number two, as far as the backup plan, we're no worse off

than we were before. If you never expected him to walk out when he said, that's it, I quit. Which might have just been a cry for help. You could have called and said, well, hold on. You don't need to quit. Let's just work this out. You could have tried to salvage

the situation. He couldn't. His veto power was in the way. Steve was your idea. That's number one. If you want to bring him back, you bring him back. It wasn't my idea. I like Steve. It wasn't my idea to have him on the show. I like him fine. You want to bring him back? Bring him back. Take away my veto power. I don't care. No, your veto power is

booking the show now. If you want him back, you ask him back. Steve, I said, if you want to go to Nome and take it over my head, fine. But I don't want this guest. Okay? If he wants to walk out and overreact, I'm not going to apologize for something that I didn't, for something I didn't do. I didn't do anything wrong. He's my friend and he's a good friend.

Fine, then hire him back and take away my veto power. He might have overreacted. I may not stay, but you can take away my veto power. Oh, tomato. That was a wifey move. And as far as... When you get in with the network executives, just remember everything Natterman's doing and do

the opposite, all right? As far as you know, what position we're in without Steve, the what position we're in without Steve, the same position we were in before Steve, which was we booked the show, we text Noam, guess ideas, he doesn't respond. Yeah, that sounds... We book who we book, oftentimes last minute.

We're no worse off, that I can tell you. I mean, maybe we won't get Ann Coulter. I don't know, maybe that's... Steve booked that awesome guy who was involved in the drug trade. Yeah, I mean, maybe. All right. He booked someone else recently that turned out to be really, really good. He booked some really good guests.

Yeah, but I think the problem was that he didn't understand that he really had to go through Natterman. And it should have been a discussion and say, hey, Natterman, I have this great guest. What do you think? Have that conversation. Let me tell you how ugly this is, what you're hearing right now. See, Liz is taking your side. Do you know why? No, why?

Because he does the same thing. Because I try to make her be more diplomatic sometimes. But he does the same thing. Like when he books things without letting me know when the calendar is already full. The bottom line is, it's just like running for president. Everybody criticizes the guy and as soon as Obama took office, all of a sudden he started doing

70% of what George Bush was doing. It all seems so easy when you're out there, I don't want this, I don't want that. When you have to finally sit behind the desk and you have to make sure the show gets booked. The show gets booked every week. It's been getting booked. No problem. What about your mafia dad?

We didn't hear about the mafia dad. Does your mafia dad stand for this shit? I want to meet your dad. Elizabeth has a CIA dad. I do. Oh, really?

Oh, my God. I thought you wanted to talk about the guy that doesn't stand for the national anthem. He's skinny, though. He's Italian. What about the national anthem?

You want to talk about your mafia dad or the national anthem? I want to talk about the national anthem. Let's talk about the national anthem. Okay. What or the National Anthem? I want to talk about the National Anthem. Let's talk about the National Anthem. Okay. What are your thoughts on it?

So this guy, this football player, which is not new. It's old news by now. But I thought it might be an interesting discussion to have here. He's, I guess, an adopted black individual. I'm not a sports, as you know, a person. But I believe that he was a player for one of the players in the National Football League. Yes. One of the teams in that league.

Yes. 49ers, right? Yep. Colin Kaepernick. The 49ers of San Francisco, I believe. Yes. And he's named, of course, after the gold miners, I believe it was, in the 1840s. Matterman, get to the point.

Yes. Well, that's all I really know about the 49ers. So he didn't want to stand for the national anthem of. Matterman, get to the point. Yes. Well, that's all I really know about the 49ers. So he didn't want to stand for the national anthem of the United States, played before every sports game, because he wanted to protest discrimination and racism in America. And, of course, that's caused quite... And police brutality. Police brutality in particular,

and racism in more general terms in the United States. And, of course, he is being called by some a traitor, by others a hero. And I know that Noam Dorm, because one thing I know about Noam, I know a few things about Noam. Number one, that he won't return my text messages. Would you get rid of that, by the way, on a related note, that awful, every time you send Noam a text, it's like that automatic text back. It bounces back. It's just like, I'm probably driving right now.

Yeah, and then text Liz on my number. Yes, I know. I find it annoying, but that may be just me. Well, then just text me, Natalie. We'll discuss it. I know that Noam has strong opinions about this, because if I know Noam Dorman, I know that. And I want to hear those opinions.

Well, I want to know what Chris thinks first. Well, see, here's the thing. Colin Kaepernick dates a girl that I used to do one of the MTV shows with. So I met Colin Kaepernick like 10 times. He's a great guy, very nice guy. So when you're close, not close, but like when you know someone personally, like this guy's a good guy, when you read on Instagram or like people want to kill him, it's hard to separate it. But as an act, you know, I just i get what he's saying it's well within his right as an american citizen to do that i think i know that while simultaneously

you have a platform as an as a football player to make a change you also are dividing your team because now you're making the the guys that block for you and the guys that are in the trenches, as they put it, with you, making them feel conflicted about how they feel about it. And I think that when you kneel on the national anthem, you're kneeling on everything. Yes, you're kneeling on police brutality and racism and all that, but you're also kneeling on people that got their limbs blown off for your safety or for people, you know, good cops or for, you know, people who are paying money, you know, saved up a year's salary just to come see you because NFL prizes are outrageous. Like, you're sitting down on your fans, too.

So I get that there's a way that that's the way you wanted to make noise, but I think you couldn't have made noise noise without like, you know, deafening everybody else. But is there something to the notion that that is the most effective way to draw attention to your cause? Because it's such a controversial way of protesting, it is the most effective way also of getting your message heard. Yeah, but to me it creates like a tornado where it's like, yes, your message is absolutely

heard, but now you've also created thousands of people that hate you. So are you just running in a circle now? Because now it's seeming like it's hard. Now the discussion is not even about police brutality anymore. Now it's just about you. To answer that question, we have with us comedy club owner and Calabria apologist. Oh, my God. Noam doorman.

You're going to be surprised by this, but I don't have a strong opinion about this. That does surprise me. I mean, what comes to mind when I see this situation is only two things. First of all, as a business proposition, and I don't know if what I'm going to say is true, but this is what I've been told, that the NBA has rules that the players are not allowed to sit down a national anthem. The NFL apparently doesn't. Right. Correct. In which case, he can do what he wants.

If they've allowed this, then everybody has their causes, and while I may not agree with him, he may not agree with mine. You know, I don't know. I mean, I don't know if America were doing something that I thought was reprehensible and I wanted to sit down at the National Anthem to protest, he may not agree with me. So, you know, that's up to him.

I will say that what comes to mind most of all is that it's painful to me as an American to see how much support there is and how little outrage there seems to be with having huge segments of the population thinking that America really is a horrible place. Right. Which I think it's not. And that's, I mean, 30, 40 years ago, this would have really bothered a lot of people. And it doesn't seem to bother people now. And I think that's a recipe for disaster

for the social fabric of America. And that's the only thing I worry about. Well, I think with stuff like that, because now with social media, you can hear everybody's voice. Like 30, 40 years ago, these trolls, they didn't have a voice and it was probably better that way i don't think everybody should have a voice it's like some people they don't know what they're saying and they're just spewing hatred just to be to get attention and that's you know that sucks and that

that creates i think this idea like oh are so many people think our country's so bad i don't know if they do i don't know if they do. I don't know if they just want attention or they're going deeper and deeper down their own rabbit hole. With Colin Kaepernick, though, there is another part of it, a sports part of it, where I don't know how deeply he thought about it, but there's a lot of people that seem to feel he knew he was probably going to get cut by the team because he's just not good anymore. He took him to the Super Bowl a couple years ago, and now he's just been replaced.

So now he's put the 49ers as an organization. They can't cut him. And so now that they can't cut him, he's going to have to get his money, which is quite a lot of money. Because now if you cut him, you're racist. And now you don't want any more drama. I'm sure internally the San Francisco 49ers are like,

I fucking hope this guy just disappears somehow. Like, because he's just a problem. He's a problem either way. He's a problem on the field kneeling, and now he's a problem if they cut him. So he's created this kind of, he's great. Colin is great because he's like, I'm not going to get cut. I'm going to get money to sit on the bench

because he's not going to start. And, you know. Is there any way we to get money to sit on the bench because he's not going to start. And, you know. Is there any way we could get him to book the show? You've got to go through Steve. And there were certain things. So this is all a planned type of, not just for his cause. It's just one theory out there. There's one fact that happened.

I don't know if this is true, but it always bothers me. And I kind of fault Obama for it, which is that when this all started, this Hands Up, Don't Shoot in Ferguson with Darren Wilson, and was it Michael Brown? Yes. So the federal government, the federal justice department with Eric Holder, who was a black attorney general, decided to investigate this very closely. And they came out with a 200 page report also a report showing that the police department in Ferguson had a lot of racism

but in specific they examined the Darren Wilson thing very very very closely and they decided that Darren Wilson was exonerated they exonerated Darren Wilson they decided that the hands up don't shoot was not true.

That the witnesses were not credible. All this stuff which and then neither Obama nor Holder really, they kind of buried the report a little bit. There was one guy, Jonathan Capehart, a black columnist who wrote a really good column saying I was wrong about this. But in

general, they made no effort to even to disseminate the knowledge that, hey, everybody was really angry about this. But as it turns out, it wasn't police brutality. And we really looked at it closely. And I'm a black president. This is my black attorney general. So you can trust us. And this wasn't the police brutality. So they never, ever tried to let the pus out of the wound, even when it's totally warranted. And I always wonder, like, why don't they do that? Some of these cases turn out to be not true.

Some of them turn out to be absolutely true. Right. And so that there's this whole perception out there of a, I think, which is a situation where there is a lot wrong with the police departments, but it's not quite as everyone sees that it is. There was also this black Harvard professor who did a study, was in the front page of the Sunday Times, and then also got buried showing that the murders were not, that blacks were not murdered at a rate higher than whites murdered by, I'm sorry, killed by police.

They were pulled over. They were arrested, all the other things, but not shot dead. Right. And, you know, it's all one ugly recipe to me. And as I said, as an American, look, I understand. If I were black, I would resent white Jesus. I would say, yeah, this is bullshit. This is the slave master's religion.

I have a lot of sympathy for that point. I always wonder, why are they Christians? As soon as you know that I was dragged over here from Africa and I'm only a Christian because the slave master were a Christian, why the fuck would I be a Christian? And I understand their ambivalence. Why? Because maybe you want to get into the kingdom of heaven. And I understand their ambivalence about the United States of America. If I were black, I'd have I understand their ambivalence about the United States of America.

If I were black, I'd have a lot of ambivalence about the United States of America. The thing is, now we have huge other populations that are coming in here who are ambivalent about the United States of America. And they're ambivalent from day one. And they join, and why are we doing that? Like, let anybody come in here,

but really come in here and be anti-American from the day you step foot in here? It's a problem. It's a problem for the country. Yeah, with the, you know. Even if you're right. Yeah, like, being, I see, you know, the race problems, too. And for me, it's like, you know, being like a new dad.

Like, you know, sometimes people will get on you on social media and be like, why aren't you speaking out against this cause? Why aren't you speaking out? I don't think that does anything. I think all I can do is the people who I'm in contact with, like, you know, who I meet, no matter what race or religion they are, just treat them with respect. I mean, and if they're a dickhead,

then punch them in the face, you know? But if they're good people, they're good people. Like, you know, I think to try to, these people that get so irate, like, I need to make a change. I need to kneel down. And's gonna no colin just change just when you're around people just be a good person be supportive be loving it's hard for me you know because i got these hipsters coming in you know like i was the first guy now i got these hipsters coming in

yoga classes fruit shakes racial harmony we're gonna make a difference dude you're gonna get shot all right you're riding a unicycle down Wyckoff Avenue. Someone's gonna shoot you in the fucking face with a slingshot. You understand that, right? I'm an aborigine. I've been living there since 1984. I know the lay of the land, okay? All my friends are black. That's the neighborhood I grew up in. All my friends are black, and all my black friends think I know these new white people

I don't know who these new white people are Okay, I'm just as scared as you I don't fucking want them here I don't need them here And my black friends ask me questions Like I know One time my black friend came up to me He's like, yo Chris, let me ask you a white question

He was like, yo, what the fuck is hummus? I was like, that was your white question? That's the one you burnt it up on? I don't know, mashed chicken peas? What the fuck? That was the one you used. All right, that's what you think we are, just walking bags of hummus. I would ask Colin Kaepernick this.

Is there a nation out there which is so righteous that you would sing its national anthem? Meaning like, doesn't every nation have its things to be ashamed of? Every single nation.

According to the man that I see frequently outside of the comedy cell, the best nation in the world is Donation. That's what he said. We have to wrap it up, Dan. Could I just say in closing

that I have nothing nor have had anything against Stephen Calabria, but I will not apologize for something because I didn't do anything wrong. And perhaps you two can make up one day and work together. I don't have anything against him. How about that? Well, perhaps he can apologize to you for booking the show without letting you know before. He did let me know, and I said no. How do you like New joke night, Chris?

I like new joke night. I think especially being, I've been in the club, I think, now for about three years, so I'm still on the newer side, so there is a bit of pressure for people like me to want to try new stuff here, so it gives me the opportunity to... You, that sitcom gets on the air, buddy. Your days of worrying

about being bounced out of here are long over. You mean I'm not going to have to emcee the late show anymore? Yes, you will. You think Esty is nice now. Wait till you have a sister.

That's true. But you better wear a button down. Just the fact that you have a deal with CBS in and of itself is very, very good.

Right. Well, I'm still doing 130s on Tuesdays. I don't anticipate that to go on much longer. And obviously, if the show goes on the air,

you don't have to worry about those 130s anymore. Yeah. That was a thing of the past. Hopefully. I don't mind them. And if the show lasts for a year,

then of course, all bets are off and you can just drop by and go on. Did you hear the fear in his voice? I don't mind them. I don't mind them.

You should ask him because what he's saying is Saturday, 2 a.m. drop by and go on. Did you hear the fear in his voice? I don't mind them. I don't mind. You should have some fear because what he's saying is Saturday, 2 a.m. I'm very happy for my 130s. Almost, almost. All right. So anyway,

special thanks to Chris. Congratulations. When will the show be on the air? Well, we're going to aim to film the pilot in December and then if they make a decision to green light it

it will most likely come out in September of 2017. Next year. You're not going to be a stand-up comic so there's no part for like a Jewish

club owner? No, you could own the physical therapy clinic I work at. There you go. Alright. I'm going to audition for the wife scene.

Yeah. You talked about it. You're not kissing Chris. We didn't say we had to kiss. Of course you have to kiss. You probably have to hump you. It's a fake kiss. It's on TV.

Yeah, it's a sitcom kiss. The part of the Jewish club owner will be going to probably... Dan Adler. Robert Klein. No, what's that guy's name? The Hebrew Hammer. He was in Gaffigan sitcom. Golbert?

Adam Golberg. Yes, yes, yes. It will go to somebody that is known to the network people. Charles Grodin. It will not go to... What Latin actress do you want to play your wife? A wifey. My wife, I don't know, but I know her mom.

I would love... Perfect world, like the Abuelita, would be Rosie Perez. That would be the perfect, perfect pick. That's good, that's good. Rosie Perez could be my mom. She would be interested perfect, perfect pick. That's good. Rosie Perez could be my mom. She would be interested. Please, Rosie, if you're listening. And, you know, the dad, which is the most important,

if you're listening, would be the legendary Colin Quinn. Legendary. CQ. Why wouldn't he do that? Well, he's saying that he doesn't know. You know, he's like, I have things going on on my own. I have my one-man show. I'm like, all right.

Does the network want Colin Quinn? Well, you know, I I'm like, alright. Does the network want Colin Quinn? Well, you know, I'm just talking perfect worlds. Rosie Perez and Colin Quinn could very well both have things going on and they can't do it. Or like you said, the network may be like, we want to go another way. But Noam has told you, you've got to put your foot down.

If the network says we don't want Colin, you've got to say no, it's going to be Colin or I'm pulling the entire show. Yeah, I'm out of here. No. You know how Coppola insisted on Al Pacino? Yeah.

You've got to insist on Colin Quinn. He's your Al Pacino. You've got to insist, even if it means losing the entire sitcom. No, no, no. And ruining your career. There's nothing wrong with bluffing.

He'll always have hosting the show on Tuesday. You can always back down. Yeah. In any case, we wish you luck. Thank you. And I say that with sincerity.

I appreciate that. Or as much sincerity as I can muster. No, no. He wishes wealth to very few people on this earth. Very few. I even wish wealth to Stephen Calabria. I hope he finds that booking job he's been dreaming about. Where he gets final say.

But it won't be here. Oh, my God. Well, I have to worry. I don't think he's trying he gets final say. But it won't be here. Oh my God. Well, I have to I don't think he was trying to have final say. I'm only doing Yes, he was. Because either he has

final say or I have final say. He brought it to you. He didn't like it. I said no. You didn't like it. Now he knew that I had final say.

All of a sudden I use it and he doesn't like it. Next week, if you don't mind, I'd like to read all the text messages on the air back and forth between you two and then we can judge. There were only a couple. There were only two. Whatever they are. I don't have them if'd like to read all the text messages on the air back and forth between you two. And then we can judge. There were only a couple.

There were only two. Whatever they are. I don't have them if Steve has them. Fine. I'm sure he has them. All right. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much.

Good night. Thank you.