The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Chris Distefano, Gary Vider, Models

Episode Date: April 7, 2016

Chris Distefano, Gary Vider, Models

Good evening everybody, welcome. We're here with Dan Natterman and Krista Montella and Krista Stefano is going to be here and Gary Peter. And we have some hot models also sitting in the aisle tree. We're going to invite them to come talk with us. So, I just say, I spent the day in court because somebody in my family got arrested. Like people can't guess. Got arrested for weed in his car and I spent the whole day in court. He has to do 25

hours of community service. But you know, they had people there in handcuffs and everything. Criminal justice system is no joke. That's what I'm saying. Was he scared straight? Well, he's like, what do I tell him? I said, just tell him the truth. He goes, no, they didn't read me my rights. I'm going to tell him they didn't read me my rights.

I'm like, no, don't tell him they didn't read me your rights. He says, they didn't have a right to search me. I said, I think you're making a mistake. And then we got into a fight. He says, that's why I don't need your help, he says to me. And then I called him a

disrespectful punk. It was... So what was your role in being down there? Just because he had to me. And then I called him a disrespectful punk. It was... So what was your role in being down there, just because he had to contact the parent? To make sure that he... No, he's 22 years old. I wanted to make sure he didn't say anything stupid. But in the end, the judge was very professional,

and she just gave him 25 hours of community service. And that's it. So he's going to go help old ladies across the street or something. Anyway, Dan Natterman. Is he going to do the community service, or are you going to try to make a run for it? he's going to go help old ladies across the street or something. So anyway, Dan Natterman. Is he going to do the community service or are you going to try to make a run for it? He's going to go on the lam. He has a year to do 25 hours.

If he doesn't do it, they arrest him. Is it a project of his choosing? Yes, he can do whatever he wants. I said, don't you have a list for him? No, you have to go. It's weird. You have to go and figure out where to do community service. And then also, they gave him the sentence orally, but they didn't write anything down for him.

He's like, how many hours did I have to do? And then the judge actually, one time she said 20, one time she said 25. You don't get any kind of written. There's no paper to refer to about what it is. But I said, do the 25, just in case. Do 35. Do 35. So anyway, Dan, what's up with you this week? Well, first of all,

the regular listeners know that I was binge-watching Breaking Bad, and I finished that about a week ago. And is it the greatest series ever to be committed to a video? Well, I think it's the greatest series that I've ever seen. Really?

You've only seen about four series. I don't watch a lot of this stuff. Better than Mary Tyler Moore. That's a whole different generation. Yes, better than Mary Tyler Moore, in my estimation. The larger point here is that I've been left with this feeling of emptiness. Can you relate to that, Kristen?

When you finish a series that you love. Two weeks I watched the whole, all six seasons in two weeks. And now I don't know how to fill the hole. Yeah. You got to get a new series. I mean, it's addiction. Well, I'm getting Sherlock. You know, Sherlock, the BBC series.

In French? They have it in French? Well, I have to go to Amazon.fr. That's where I got Breaking Bad. The only way to get these shows is in French. Most shows do not have a French audio track on Amazon.com or at Best Buy, so I have to order it overseas. Do you watch French porn?

No, I don't watch French porn. Why not? There's really not a lot of French porn. The French are not big in the porn industry. They have it. Maybe some African porn in French. The Americans. Is Breaking Bad in French?

I think, generally speaking, Americans and the Japanese, I guess, maybe the Germans, I think, are at the top of the porn thing. I know nothing about porn. Actually, maybe we should wait for Chris for this. Let's leave porn aside. Let's just write porn. Does somebody have chalk? Let's write porn here. Were you just write porn. Does somebody have chalk? Let's write porn here.

Were you watching Breaking Bad in porn? In porn. In French. In porno. He watches it in French. I watch it in French. I believe he misses something. I was going to say, I wonder how that show in particular,

because there's a lot of very current slang. Well, they translate into French, and I watch it with French subtitles simultaneously, so if I didn't hear something right, I can read it. And the actors are great. Whoever played the French voiceover actor who dubbed the Saul Goodman part, I haven't seen Bob Odenkirk, but I can't imagine he's better.

Now, if you hear something that you just don't understand, which must happen, you pause it and then you look it up? I can pause it. No, well, I can listen to it again. I can rewind it. But at some point, you might hear a word you don't know. I mean, even in English, you might have to look up a word. He said there's subtitles in French. No, the subtitles are in French.

I understood. There are very few things that... I have a very good vocabulary, even slang. What I don't have is the fluidity to use it effortlessly. But I do have a very good vocabulary. So you never have to stop and look anything up? Almost very seldom. And I presume it's the same in porn.

Very seldom. And if it's one word, I don't necessarily have to look up every word. If there's words that you said in English that I don't know, I don't run to the dictionary. But if Breaking Bad has very specific characters, does the French person who's doing the voiceover put on... I don't know. I've never seen it in English. Well, you know kind of what the character...

You know, if you have, like, a Jewish, a very super Jewish lawyer... Easy. What do you mean by that? What do you even mean by... No, I don't know what you mean. Yes, you do. Like the character Tom Cruise played in that spoof movie. If it's something like that, do they? Saul Goodman, the lawyer, was not Jewish in Breaking Bad.

No, but I'm just saying, does he put on like. Yeah, Tropic Thunder, thank you. All right, anyway. Can we bring Chris over or you got more on your week? Well, he can come over for this. He can come over. If you'd like, Chris DiStefano, everybody. There we go.

Chris DiStefano, who, if you don't know him, get to know him. Isn't he famous now? I don't believe so. But I don't think he is. Famous? I don't know. I think you're pretty famous, judging by the fact that the audience seems to perk up at your name. I think that, well, especially a lot of stuff with MTV and Comedy Central.

So especially if it's a younger crowd. If it's a younger crowd. No, but listen, if it's a younger crowd. Also, if I did these shows, especially if it's a New York crowd, I was on a lot of these MSG shows, sports shows. So a lot of times, you know, these construction workers are like, are you that guy from that show? The Bracket? And I'm like, yeah. That's me. Noam, whatever happened with Vegas,

by the way, did you know, Chris, that Noam was planning to, or in talks with, some people out in Vegas to establish a comedy seller Vegas branch? Little Mafia guys? No, no. They're legit. But after waiting like six months for a deal, they sent me a memo of a deal, which was just like...

Just unacceptable. Just so Vegas. What's the word for it when it's like onerous? Okay. And onerous requirements. And then the deal, he sends it to me. He says, I know this isn't what we talked about, and this is two deals in one, so let's talk.

I was like, really? I waited six months for this, and now this? For that. But I'm still going to pursue it. But I'm not sure why. Yeah. I think I just want to be able to tell my wife, look, Chris and I got to go to Vegas. I'm sorry.

You just said, look, Kristen. Chris and I. Oh. got to go to Vegas. I'm sorry. You just said, look, Kristen. Chris and I. Oh. I'm going to Vegas. I like that. I got to go work. Hey, look, I like that idea. You know, I like expanding our business.

But I also think there's a mystique about just there being one. And it's just here. And it's just in downtown Manhattan. And it's like the epicenter of comedy. I agree. I would never hold you back from anything. No, no, no. You're right.

But there is, I mean, I'm never hold you back from anything. No, no, no. You're right, but there is, I mean, I'm not, you don't know me that well, but most people by this point who know me know that I'm really not like a star fucker

or a publicity hound or any of those things. I don't even, I prefer not even anybody to know what it is I do or like, I don't post on Facebook

when blah, blah, blah happens. But, to see the comedy seller up in lights on one of those big billboards in Vegas, I kind of like that. Like I would kind of like that. Just for, I think it would be like, it would make, I know he's dead

and I don't believe in the afterlife, but my father would have been so proud and my kids will be proud. And I just, and like I said, honey, I got to go to Vegas. I'm sorry. I guess it would have to be different though. You would have to run it different and that would have. And like I said, honey, I got to go to Vegas. I'm sorry. I guess it would have to be different, though. You would have to run it different, and that would have to be, I guess, like a headliner club because you can't have guys coming through.

You've put your finger on the problem I'm having. I don't want to do that. I'm not interested in that. Unless I can make it a showcase club. I told them I'm not interested. And by showcase club, for the listeners, that means several comedians, not just one headliner and maybe an opening act. And a horrible opening act. Because I don't like, I've never enjoyed myself at a headlining club.

No, me neither. I don't like doing it. I always think, you know, when they say, hey, you can stretch out, you can do an hour, an hour and a half, I'm always like, I have no interest in doing that. I don't think the audience has any interest in doing that. I don't care how funny or famous you are, in my opinion, 45 minutes is the absolute max. I would want to see anyone perform, so including myself. So even if it's going great. So that's why I think here, you know, when you get the guys that drop in

like Rock and Louie or whomever and they do 35, 40, that's fine. It's a pump for the audience. It's great. But I think that's quick 15, 10, 15 minute sets down here. Comic gives it all they got. It's good. It's their A shit. I think that's why the crowds love it so much. Well, also, if you don't like a particular comic, wait 10 to 15 minutes. There'll be another comic. Right. Exactly.

It's definitely a superior form. I mean, unless you really, really love a particular comic and you want to see him for 45 minutes. That's right. If you book, like, Louis C.K. as a headliner and everybody buys to see him for 45 minutes. That's right. If you book like Louis C.K. as a headliner and everybody buys a ticket to see Louis C.K. then people are happy to see Louis C.K.

Now the truth is even with like forget about Louis but even with like Stevie Wonder let's say they might prefer it shorter you know. But the fact is in most comedy clubs Especially if he was doing comedy. A big you know. Yeah. But the fact is in most comedy clubs, especially if he was doing comedy,

they definitely A big number, a big amount of the crowd and even more so in Vegas is not there because of the name of the headliner. No.

And there's not that many headliners who have that kind of charisma or fame or whatever it is to rivet an audience for 60 minutes. To draw like that

in Las Vegas is tough. That's why, you know. I mean, no matter how great you are, 15 minutes of Greer Barnes is still going to make the show better. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Absolutely.

How are you going to argue with Greer Barnes? By the way, no, just before I forget, let's give out the email so that people can give us feedback. Well, it was ComedySellerShow at ComedySeller.com. ComedySellerShow at ComedySeller.com. ComedySellerShow at ComedySeller.com. ComedySellerShow. ComedySellerShow. We love your feedback, especially if it's positive. No, I don't like the positive feedback.

And if it's positive about me but negative about everybody else, that's fine too. This is what I want to ask Chris about. Hey, Mike. Mikey. chris about and then here chris uh... has uh... inexplicably and and and and to my mind uh... it's a flaw in our system chris is has until recently was not getting the spots or getting his position in this club that he warranted uh... either by his uh...

uh... credits or his uh... uh... batting average with the crowd. Yeah. What do you think was going on there? You just fell through the cracks or something? I think I just fell through the cracks, yeah. I think I fell through the cracks, but I also think it took me a little bit of time to get as comfortable as I am now.

What's going? And also I had a child recently, so there was like this innate thing that happened inside of me where i was like every time i come here or any club you need to try to blow the roof off and get as far into this career as you can because it's what i chose i used to be a physical therapist and i left that entire career behind for this and now and i'm the only one that works in my family so doing it for my daughter it's like i i this is what i chose if i if i if i'm not going to go a hundred percent here then i'll just go back to being a physical therapist because now it's not just about me now it's about her so i think that's what happened but i also think you know i was a

lot of my spots were late you know 1 a.m you know on a tuesday which was fine i didn't mind doing it but i think you know nobody was really aware what was happening. Nobody was aware. And then I think, you know, I started to get booked at the Village Underground, and I think more people are just watching. And I think I got, last month I got a spot early, like 8.30. I think someone dropped down, and Esty called me, you know, and said, can you make it in like an hour?

And I did. And I, you know, I think that's where maybe some people saw me. Thank you. Nice to be here. I'm having a baby. Thank you. Yes! Thank you. My girlfriend's, like, 57 months pregnant. She's so pregnant. It's unbelievable. Puerto Rican girl.

Never dated a Puerto Rican girl before. You know, you never really know what's gonna happen with them. Like, things can just always hit the fan. You don't know what you did. Like, white girls, you know, they're gonna go home. They're gonna watch their shows. But Puerto Rican girls, you're in the show. That's it. You're in a lifetime drama now

where you could get stabbed in the neck because she had a dream that you cheated on her. Every morning I wake up, she's like, "'It's all right. No, it's all right.'" When she says, "'It's all right,' it's not all right. Just so we know.", she's like, it's all right, no, it's all right. When she says, it's all right, it's not all right, just so we know. She's always like, no, it's fine, Chris, it's fine. She's always catching something, what she's talking to me.

Like, are there imaginary wiffle balls I don't know about? She's very sexual, too. Like, almost too sexual. You know, it's kind of like illegal. It's a lot. And I'm having a daughter. So now I feel like I have to have a talk with my daughter. Like, hey, you can't hang out with your mother anymore.

Right? No bueno, mija. No bueno. I'm happy I... Yeah, thanks. I'm happy I traveled a lot before, you know? Get a little culture in me. Because I'm from Brooklyn. Like, you know, nobody gets off the block where I'm from. They're like, oh, Chris made it to the intersection the other day.

This kid's on fire. You know, but I'm happy I got out there, but I don't know what's going on, you know? I was in Norway. You know, a waiter comes over. He's like, oh, would you like reindeer meat? I said, reindeer? That's a real animal.

You have actual reindeer. Like, flying around. What the hell? Let's eat Christmas together, Sven. together Sven So I said, we've got to get Chris more spots because he's killing and he's funny and he's on TV. Like, what? Every box is checked off. And young. And he'll bring the media in. How old is he?

32? 31. 31, yeah. Yeah, he's a young comic, you know? Yeah. And no matter what, it doesn't make you funnier, but our demographic is on the... I'd say the average age is 30 in the comedy center. And how many...

I don't think it matters in terms of their enjoyment of the show, but it might matter if they know him from MTV. What shows do you do? Like The Bro Code? Yeah, The Guy Code, Girl Code, and then some Comedy Central stuff. All those shows. Yeah. All those shows that you do if you look like Chris. He's a big handsome guy.

Handsome in a very jock way. He's a big. He has to give you a little. No, because I'm trying to describe him because it's a radio show. And they're thinking handsome. They're thinking Phil Hanley handsome maybe. Right. Assuming they know who Phil Hanley is, which is unlikely.

But he is a. I'm trying to describe. the guy looks like the captain of the football team. And I think, indeed, you were back in the day. Well, I was, but I also was. Like, I could play sports, but I also was the guy who kind of got bullied. I never bullied anybody in my life because I was the one, like, I would have, like, you know, my eczema would flare up. Or I would have, like, an asthma attack. And my mother would be, like,, you know, my eczema would flare up and I would or I would have like an asthma attack and my mother would be like rubbing holy water on my eczema and I'm like, Ma, this is making it worse. And I was like this kid like...

You have asthma too? Yeah, all that stuff. All the things that a guy like me, like you would think like I was a football star, all the... Nobody else on my team had any of the problems I have. Like I had to wear a retainer because my, you know, my gums would bleed. You know, I had all these skin conditions. I had asthma.

I had anxiety. So I think lending myself to come. How did you get to be captain of the football team? The Down Syndrome guy couldn't do it? Yeah. I could just play. He scared all the other kids. The first time I've seen Chris in a short sleeve, at least I don't remember having it,

but I noticed you have a tattoo. What does that say? Oh, yeah, this is Catholic shit. It looks like something very, in your mercy, keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety. That's how you know you've got anxiety problems, when you've got the word anxiety tattooed on your forearm. That's not from the Bible. The Bible doesn't have the word anxiety. That's from the church.

Church. That's Catholic church. I went to a funeral at a black church. And you know these signs around the church? It said, failure is not optional. That's just as true. You're supposed to say failure is not an option. I know, but that's just as true.

Failure is not optional. Sounds like an Indian guy. Sounds like an Indian guy fucking up a cliche like in that movie Short Circuit. I am on the side of myself. That's what happens when English is not your first language. Where was this? It was at a funeral for Sean Jamel's funeral. But the somberness of the moment was distracted by that hilarious sign.

So anyway, because my son has eczema slightly. Sure. And I've been reading about it. Which son? The real son or the one that got caught with weed? The real son. The real son. Okay. The one that's in with weed? The real son. The real son. Okay.

The one that's in the will. Jesus Christ. I don't know. I mean, maybe Nicholas will get a grill in the back or something. Dan. What? Last week you had to diss De Niro. Now you've got to diss my own family?

You're welcome to say, Dan, that's not true. He's every bit as much of a son. Dan, he's not true. He's almost every bit. Of course, Dan, shut up, Dan. He's every bit as much of a son. Dan, he's not true. He's almost every bit. Of course, Dan, shut up, Dan. So anyway, but I read about it, and it's highly associated with

asthma, which is what I'm worried about. Now, I've had little tiny eczema from time to time, but I've never been treated for it or anything. Like in the wintertime, I'll get a little itch. Right. But you had it bad. I had it bad. When I was a kid, these things, like when I was a child, I've had like the same size

head and teeth since I was like six years old. And again, for the listeners. He's got a big head and teeth. A big head and teeth. Hey, Gary, come sit down. But my shoulders have grown into my head and teeth now. But when I was a kid, I just looked like a caricature. Like I looked like a lollipop with a stupid face, and I had all these

ailments. So I think, you know, mine would flare up. Mine's psoriasis, too. It would just flare up when I got stressed out. Wasn't psoriasis an eczema? Psoriasis is usually, like, an autoimmune thing where, like, stress will bring it on, where eczema is, like, a very... You're listening to skin talk.

It's a topical, like, you know, it's very surface kind of thing. Yeah, but with all that, you know, I mean, I hear a lot of guys talking about being dorks and being picked on, but let's get down to brass tacks. How many chicks did you bang in high school?

In high school? Not a lot. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18. I started to... What was your first... Well, what did you do in high school with chicks? With chicks? I had one girlfriend.

I had one girlfriend, Letitia. She was the first. She was half black, half white. And that was my girlfriend. And then I went to college. We broke up.

I went to school. She had vitiligo. Yeah, she had vitiligo. Dermatitis. I didn't start hooking up with chicks until I was like 20. Homecoming king and queen. Well, my first kiss was at 24.

24. That's right. So you have a little respect. Yeah. For a real nerd. So dad told me that you had your child. You didn't know your mom? No.

We didn't know. I didn't know. We were dating for three weeks, and she got pregnant. Oh you had your child. You didn't know your mom? No. We didn't know. I didn't know. We were dating her for three weeks, and she got pregnant. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then she, you know, but she said, she was like, look, do you want me to take care of this? And I was like, no, let's do it. So. No plan B pill, huh?

That's, you want to hear the craziest thing? It happened. We had, you know, sex. She said, you know, I did whatever, accident. And then we went and got plan B. An hour later, we went and got plan B. On the way to the drugstore, she was like, she had already had a child

from a previous relationship. She was like, I'm pregnant. She's like, I'm telling you something just morphed in me. I'm fucking pregnant. Every Puerto Rican girl says that. That's what I said. That's what I said. And they're right. I was like, you're just being a Puerto Rican. And then're right. I was like, you're just being a Puerto Rican. And then we take the plan B, and then, you know, a month goes by, no period.

Takes the pregnancy test. It's positive. We go right to the doctor, and we tell him the situation. And the doctor's like, well, you know, you probably, sometimes this happens. Time for plan C. Plan C. You get, it goes, like, direct hit. Like, you conceive this child within minutes of, you know, the act happening. More stronger sperm, is that what you're trying to say?

Well, stronger, I don't know about that. I mean, stronger sperm. The Puerto Rican egg. I caught the gravitational pull of the black hole in the Puerto Rican egg. Right. That's how you know he's not a nerd. You would never be able to do that in an hour. I wouldn't be able to do that.

I don't know that. Gary Veeder has joined us, too. Go ahead, Gary. I had to chime in with something. Yeah, Veeder. I'm a nerd. That wouldn't work for me, either. It would take me forever.

Well, I don't know that they are. I'm married, but it would take my wife forever, probably, to get pregnant with my semen. That's just how I feel. Well, I don't know if there's any relationship between that. I used to ring that bell like that when I was younger. Yeah? Yeah, whatever. Even with Jewish girls

it's confidence this guy's confident that's why it will happen I'm really not confident though like I'm not I'm not anything I'm really not confident at all you listen to my shit down there

I go up there and I'm a fucking I implode but it still comes off as confidence like I know you're not like you're insecure for your own reasons

but then at the same time you still like like girls find you guaranteed confident. Well, it's not that you know what it is. It's not that it's confidence. It's just that I have so much panic happening inside of me that I'm just like, fuck it, let's go. And maybe that comes off falsely as confidence.

Were you using a condom? Let's get down to the sexual... No, no condom. Well, I knew that I couldn't with her. When I saw her dancing, I was like, if this girl's not on birth control, I'm going to get a pregnancy. Was she a stripper? No, she was dancing at a bar. We met at a bar.

I knew that if I even tried to put on a condom, I was going to rip it off. And that's what I did. So you came inside her. I came right inside her. Yeah, and you know how pregnancy happens. Yeah. I didn't even attempt to pull out. This was a full.

So you can't pull out of a Puerto Rican girl. I couldn't pull out. That's the reason they get pregnant all the time. In your head, you wanted a baby. I must have. Absolutely. Obviously, because the Natterman method, if you really don't want a baby,

you make damn well sure that you don't have one. Was she on top? She was on top. It's harder to pull out when they're on top. It was impossible. Get off! Get off! And it won't stop. She tried to. I couldn't. It's never going to work when they're on top. It was impossible. If you don't have... Get off! Get off! And it won't stop. She tried to.

I couldn't. It's never going to work. I knew that I was going to get her pregnant. I knew for a fact that the second I met her, I was like, if this girl's interested in me in any way, shape, or form, I'm going to have... She's going to be pregnant within the month that she was.

And you wanted to have a kid with her, I guess. Yeah, I did. I think... And I still... I love the fact that... I love my daughter. I wouldn't change, I guess. Yeah, I did. I think, and I still, you know, I love the fact that I love my daughter. I wouldn't change her for anything. It's, yeah, moving forward, should we have thought about it? Nah.

Of course, but it's too late now. If you guys have a happy family, then no harm, no foul. We have a happy family. We're in the moment. We love it. I love my daughter. Well, you've known this woman, baby's mother. I don't know what you refer to her as.

Yeah, she's my girlfriend. But you can call her my baby moms. All right. I'll do that then. You're going to get married. I mean, you're going to make an honest woman out of her, right? I don't know if we're going to get married. I don't want your kids to get picked on.

I know. Well, I feel like it's already happening. I'm kidding. They don't do that anymore. I know. I don't know if we're going to get married. We're still, you know, now we're trying to just get to know each other. Like, you know, because even though we have a 10-month-old daughter, we're still like in the honeymoon phase as a couple.

You know, so we're still. So realistically, and without wanting to bring a Debbie Downer here, or a Daniel Downer in this case. As you know, no other way. Right. What chance do you think you have that this marriage will work over the long term? What chance does it have? I think a lot of it's going to depend on if my career hopefully escalates to the place where I want it, if she wants to stay around and deal with that. That's the biggest problem is my career.

Make sure you get a prenuptial. Oh, yeah, sure. No, you're saying that you'd be too busy with your career. No, no, no. Prenuptialissimo. No, it's not that. It's not about being busy. It's about if she wants

to deal with, you know, a husband who's away a lot or who's, you know, out late. Not every woman likes this. So you're saying... I don't think you have to worry about that because she has the baby

and no matter what it is, as long as you're not fighting, she's going to want the girl, your daughter's father, to be there for the daughter. It's still hard knowing that he's out every night, though. I'll be there. But the thing is, I'll be there one way or another. You know, even if we broke up. It's not the same.

What Chris is saying is that it's all her. In other words, he's in it for the long haul, according to what you just said. It's all her, whether she wants to put up with it. But you don't see yourself... No, the girls don't leave. It's the guy who leaves. I'm saying you don't see yourself changing your mind about this. I mean, in the fog

of the honeymoon phase. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's still too early to tell. We're happy. We're very happy now. But I just don't know. You could tell there's problems that arise that are normal. I mean, what do you think? You're going to have a baby

with a kid after you know the girl for three weeks and there's going to be no problems? Listen, people plan to have kids after knowing each other for 10 years and they have problems. I knew my wife 19 years and we had problems. That's like you can't possibly anticipate anything. She is Puerto Rican. Certainly I'll wish you the best of luck and we're problems. It's like you can't possibly anticipate anything. She is Puerto Rican. I certainly all wish

you the best of luck and we're all rooting for you. That was almost sincere sounding. I appreciate that. And remember, as the good book says, I'm going to read his arm tattoo. I don't know the good book. In your mercy, keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety and bipolar

illness. Yeah, I am not sinning. I think that the way I feel about my children, I can literally come home and find my wife banging my yard. It doesn't even matter. I'll be like, okay, we can work through this.

I can't bear to leave the kids. Although when things weren't going well between my wife and a little better lady, there's a house that went for sale across the street. Yeah. And I thought about buying it just in case she throws me out. I just move across the street. Well, how did you grow up?

Did you grow up with both parents in the house? No, no. So you grew up with split. Yeah. Same with me. You had a good relationship with your mom and dad independently? No. See, I had a very good relationship with my mom and dad independently? No. See, I had a very good relationship with my mom and dad independently as

co-parents. So for me, the idea of co-parenting is not such a dismal thing. What age did they split up? They split up when I was one. Well, that's the difference. You don't remember anything. I never remembered it any other way. So you gotta split up now or stick with it? That's what I'm saying. It's go time. Either we do it now

or we stick it out. No, but you could also remember them fighting, you know, about who's going to whose house. Right. Well, as a child, there was parts where I was like, you know, would get mad at my mom and be like, why isn't my dad here? Why do I have to go to Christmas at his house and not stay here? All that. But I think ultimately being an adult and looking back now, it was the best thing that happened to me. Because if I would have just seen two people fighting

24-7, I would be a very different person than I am now. And you're married, right? That's how my parents were. They fought. So you're saying you would be me? Yeah. I'd be nerdy. Imagine your psoriasis with that kind of stress. With this build?

Do you have kids? This is Gary Veeder and he also had a similarly hard time getting spots here. Yes. At the beginning, you know,

you're making it sound as though it's so crazy. At the beginning, there's 80 billion comics that work here. Esty gets, you know, literally I think

100 people call in for a Veils. Yes, at the beginning it's hard to establish, to get a foothold. You know, so that's not so crazy avails. Yes, at the beginning, it's hard to establish to get a foothold. That's not so crazy or unusual. I believe it's like a hierarchy. That's how I was thinking about it

in my head. I was like, oh, I'm just not in line. I feel like I'm on the team, but I'm just at the end of the bench. Little by little, when people get hurt, I'll move up. You'll get your chances to perform and do well. I think you fell through the cracks somehow, I'll move up. And you'll get your chances to perform and do well. I think you fell

through the cracks somehow, I gotta say. I don't know how to account for it. I'll tell you how to account for it. There's 80 billion comics that work here. I never asked for it. I feel like as much as sometimes it would pay. This is the top club, so there's times I had things going on. I'm on TV.

I did David Letterman, but I got no comedy seller spots, so you feel like there's times like I had things going on I'm on TV I did like David Letterman but I got no comedy seller spots so you feel like a failure but I never I never asked I was like timing will work itself out

eventually and hopefully now it does yeah and Gary why didn't you get spots Gary? I'm not funny I mean I don't know

I mean you saw me like a while ago and that's how like I was like oh, this is going to be my inn. And then it took two years. You have to ask Esty that question, why she's not giving more spots to certain people. But no one looks at the lineup, too. It's Esty's decision. I think there's so many comics that are afraid to recommend somebody, too, because they don't want to lose their spots.

So, I mean, I feel like that happens, too. That's why you wouldn't recommend someone? See, I wouldn't recommend someone because I feel like I can't even do that yet. Well, no, I know. I mean, I know I couldn't, but I'm saying that's why maybe it took a longer time for me. I feel like people were, you know, just worried, just like, you know, thinking about their own thing. I feel like unless you're like Colin or somebody big here, you know, it's going to be hard to get a, you know, recommendation on your behalf because they're just

happy with their spot. I asked Estee, I said, how's Gary Beater doing? She goes, wonderful. And he's so nice too, she said. I know you look at the lineups with Estee. Is there a lot that goes in in terms of you just put

on everyone who crushes or do you really look at the flow and who's high energy who's low energy, is there really an algorithm the truth is Estee shows me the lineup and almost all the time I just rubber stamp it even if I wouldn't do it

exactly the same way, the changes are so unimportant that I don't want to I want to give her her head, I mean she really does the lineup from time to time unimportant that I don't want to... I want to give her her head. She really does a lot. From time to time, and it's not Esty, it would be with anybody, sometimes a second pair of eyes

will say, oh, did you notice? Oh, shit, I didn't notice that. So I'm a second pair of eyes for her. But it actually was with Chris that I felt that he wasn't getting enough spots. But then Esty said, oh, no, you're right. It wasn't like she resisted. No, I appreciate that.

And with Gary, Gary was tougher because, first of all. It's not funny. It's not funny. This felt bad for me. I mean, no, I saw Gary performing to like nine people at Caroline's one night. It was him and Pete Davidson were both on the bill. And I actually went home thinking both of them were really good. And this is the truth.

I was scared to tell Esty. Yeah, yeah. Because. Right. Exactly. We all are. We all are scared. Everyone is.

So I. But and the truth is I didn't even mention Pete Davidson to her. Yeah. Because he was actually really, really just starting out then. But he clearly had something, you know. Right. But I did mention you to her. And then you came. I had you come down one night and you kind of auditioned. And you did had something you know right but then but I did mention you to her and then and then you came I had you come down one night and you kind

of audition you did well you know and then I just dropped it her and I don't know but you see get I mean hopefully they're gonna cut in some of your stand up into the show that's already that's already out there you know on the radio and stuff but Gary is extremely deadpan really, is it an exaggerated low energy? A little bit. Definitely, I feel like it's an act, so I feel like I put it up a little bit when I go on stage. I try and be a little bit drier than I normally am. A little bit, but it's still basically your personality.

Yeah, exactly. So you have to really fall for that kind of thing, which I did the first time I saw him. I even checked you out online. I think on your website you have some performances. And I said, no, no, he really is funny. You know, like I wanted to double check, you know. It wasn't a fluke.

But then I didn't go to war for you. That's just the truth. I didn't go to war for you. I had gone to war kind of for Sean Patton at one time. Not war, but then he's doing great now. But this was a couple years ago, and then he wasn't doing... He would just do all his sets all over the place. And I was like, all right.

But then when you were on America's Got Talent, I'm like, that's it. I mean, he's on America's Got Talent, so you don't have to take my word for it anymore. Thank you. What number did you get to on America's Got Talent? Top 10. Top 10. Yeah. Higher than get to on America's Got Talent? Top ten. Top ten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you higher than Dan or lower?

Higher, yeah, significantly higher. I got higher than I did. One round, one round. That's not significant. You know, you were on Last Comic Standing when you did it. He was my favorite on that year. That was Last Comic Standing, too. I'll never forget.

That's how I knew you was from that appearance on Last Comic Standing. And you were like a kid at the time. Yeah, I mean, I think I was in college. I wanted to do stand-up when I saw that. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Yeah, when you had the joke, you had the joke about,

send me, on the iPhone, you said, you know, send me a picture with today's paper. So I know it's you, that joke. Oh, wait a minute. That was the second time I did last comic standing. I think. I don't think that joke was around

the first time I did it. Well, maybe that was the time when I saw it was like, oh, I want to try to do this. You're telling me that I inspired you to get into stand-up comedy. One of them. One of them, yeah. Well, that season of Last Comic Standing is when I watched every single week and was like, I'm going to get the balls to go on stage and do this.

What's more, he looked and said, if this guy could do it, I could do it. It might have been the first one because that second one, I feel like you probably already started. What year was that, the second one? The second one was like 2008, I believe. Is that when you started? No, I started 2009, so it was... Yeah. So it was right.

And Dan got robbed. I was trying to do some fact-checking on you. Yeah, but I don't want to go back into ancient history. Why don't we just talk about the Peloponnesian War as well? Dan got robbed on America's Got Talent. Yeah, that was the first time. Well, I don't know that I was robbed on last time. Yes, you were. You were clearly, undoubtedly

the funniest person I remember. You were great. I mean, the first season. What do you mean you don't know if you got robbed on America's Got Talent? I mean, it was well known. I don't think I got robbed. America's Got Talent, first of all, comedians really don't belong on that show. It's about spectacle and lights and sounds.

You were robbed of what you properly could have accomplished if you had not been robbed. I don't know if you would have won, but you were robbed of the position that you should have achieved. Well, but how do you, why should I have achieved that position? I'm going to tell you why you were robbed. Okay. Because you have a very, very funny joke where the punchline is, you're not going to turn Mexican, chances are. And they decided that you can't say Mexican. So they made him change it to German. You're not going to go German. Now, first of all, German is just not as funny as Mexican. But then, after saying you're not going to go

German, the German judge on the panel got offended and dressed him down on national TV, having done the joke that the producers told him to put German in. If that's not being robbed, I don't know what would be robbed. I don't know if there was a conspiracy to make because they wanted me to offend Heidi. I will only say the reason I don't consider it a robbing as I did the first time is because I knew

what this was. It was a reality show. The first last comic standing, I was naive enough to think that maybe there was some legitimacy to this whole thing. And so I did feel robbed. But by the time I got to America's Got Talent, I'm like, I know this is just a dumb reality show where they're going to manipulate it. And I hope they manipulate it in my favor. And if they don't, I really can't complain. So you think there was another gunman in the brassi nol, Dan?

You think that they told you the German thing? No, I don't know. No, I don't know that at all. I think that, I don't think they wanted me to say Mexican because it's politically incorrect to say Mexican. Just the word Mexican in and of itself, it has a certain political incorrectness to it. But you didn't come up with German.

They told you to say German. No, actually now that I remember correctly, I don't think they told me to say German. I think I said that I remember correctly, I don't think they told me to say German. I think I said, I thought it would be interesting because Heidi was one of the judges. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't get robbed. You sabotaged yourself. No, I thought it would be interesting to include

the judges. Because I wasn't insulting Germans. She doesn't get comedy, so she didn't understand that it wasn't insulting. So I tried it with various ethnicities and nationalities

and Germans seem to work here at the cellar when I was... So really, it's your fault because you're the owner of the comedy cellar. Didn't you say, Gary, that Heidi Klum,

you thought... You went back and forth with her, right? I remember when we were talking, we were here and you were like, Heidi hates me, Heidi hates me.

Yeah, I mean, she did it. I mean, she didn't get any jokes. So it's like everything you said, you're like, all right, this... I mean, she didn't get any jokes. So it's like everything you said, you're like, all right, this – I mean, she said that I talk too slow, but it's like that's how I talk. Like that's my delivery. But Stern liked you, I bet.

Stern liked me, yeah. Stern liked me. Well, Stern liked me. I don't know if he really liked me or if the producers said, say you like this guy. No, no, Stern wouldn't do that. No, Stern definitely – He liked me, but he didn't invite me on his show. Let's just say that.

Well, that's different. But Stern has his show. Let's just say that. That's different. But Stern has an affinity for Neveshe Jewishness. Even though he's a tall one, he's basically the same as you guys. That's Howard Stern. If anybody gets you, it's Howard Stern. I mean, yeah, he got it. But Howard Stern will say he likes you, and then they go down the line,

and then Heidi Klum says she doesn't like you for a dumb reason, and then people vote for that show, so they'll tune in and listen to what she's saying, and then they'll agree with her. She's an odd choice as a judge to begin with. She's not American. She doesn't do anything performing arts-wise. It would be unlikely for a stand-up comic to beat out a plate spinner for America's Got Talent,

unless you're like Steve Martin or some magical thing. I don't think, to be honest with you, I think stand-up comedy probably should not even be on that show. Yeah, I agree. I mean, like as Dan said, it's like you have to know what you're getting into when you first do it. Who won? A ventriloquist. Oh, well, that's not, you know, I mean.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, you got to, whatever. Ventriloquist who won the stand-up comic shouldn't even be on the show? Ventriloquism is a more fun for the whole family kind of a thing. Exactly. You know, this is designed, I mean, the people watching this are young. Kids, most of the people that recognize me, if I do get recognized, are very young.

I mean, like pre-tweens. My mother-in-law watches it every single day. Well, your mother-in-law, again, fun for the whole family. Yeah. Not a hip crowd, quote-unquote, or a comedy-savvy crowd. I mean, Mitch Hedberg probably would have been voted off in round two. Exactly. Had he done the show.

Do you know that I played Gary Veeder's Wedding? No, I mean, my band played Gary Veeder's Wedding totally by coincidence. By coincidence? It wasn't by coincidence. I took my wife to the Village Underground. He was a fan of mine. Before, I was a fan of his. He was a fan of mine.

You weren't there the night we heard the uh we heard the band it was still my band it's still my friend but we had a great time the band is awesome and then uh and then we were like trying to book a wedding band and we're like what's a good band and we were like we heard different uh you know different bands playing they all sounded like crap and uh this band the underground this band was like a wedding band like yeah exactly This band wasn't like a wedding band. Yeah, exactly. We didn't want a typical wedding band, but they hit all the songs. The father-daughter dance was awesome. And they played Kristen's wedding, too.

And Rosalyn did a good job. She did an amazing job. Rosalyn was awesome. Definitely recommend it. I'm single. My parents tried setting me up with a girl. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't have your parents play matchmaker. This is how they describe her. Gary, she's perfect. She's the girl version of you. Girl version of me? I'm 5'6". 140 pounds. I suck at sports, I am the girl version of me. I travel a lot, which makes being in a relationship difficult. One time I was on the road, this girl I was seeing sent me topless photos.

She was like, what do you think? I was like, I like them. That didn't sit well with her. She was like, you only like them? I was like, sweetie, if it makes you I'm Jewish. There are perks to being Jewish. There are. I got to go to Israel for free. That's a good perk.

There's a program that sends Jewish people to Israel for free. But before they send just anyone, they put you through a screening process to make sure you're Jewish. And they'll ask you questions. First question they asked me, are you Jewish? I was like, I'm trying to get a free trip, aren't I? They were like, no further questions.

Thank you guys very much. Are you planning on having a kid, by the way? Yeah, I don't know when. I feel like it all comes down somewhat like career where I'm going to be. Can I just tell you, that's wrong. He's right. My father used to say this. He's never right, then.

He used to say there's always a reason not to do it. Yeah. As he said, there's always a reason. First of all, it doesn't cost that much money to have a kid. Yeah. It doesn't. No, it hasn't been so crazy. It's not.

And... Said by the man who was going to buy the house across the street just so he could have a place to go. The actual rearing of the child doesn't cost that much. I mean, Hebrew school is not that much, whatever you want. But in general... The wife is not Jewish, by the way, Noam. So there's probably not going to be Hebrew school in the future. My kids are going to Hebrew school. But it is such the best thing you've ever done to have children.

You should just go ahead and do it. I mean, we want to do it. We talk about it all the time. Yeah, but no one just stick it in. You say that, but I talked to, Kevin Brennan's not,

for example. You're talking to a guy who has nothing good to say about anything. Literally. What can make Kevin Brennan happy? You promote parenthood.

You are at the upper percentile of people that love being a parent. I guess most parents are fulfilled by it, but you really promote it in a way far in excess of what other people seem to say about parenthood.

Whatever. No, but do you not? I don't know. You are the happiest father I've ever come across. All my friends who had children feel the same way. They adore their children, and they were very enthusiastic about it. Study, by the way, after study,

says that children don't make you happier. You think you're happier. Well, then that's fine. That's enough for me. If it's placebo, yeah, I'm definitely happier with my kid. I agree that it feels better to plan a little. When I'm driving home and I

get to, it says exit seven, I literally get feelings in my hormonal or something. I'm going to go home. My kids, maybe they'll wake up when I get home and give me a hug. I really love being a dad. Right.

Yeah. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I mean, Esty's not promoting. Maybe I shouldn't say that. We'll probably have to cut it out. No, she told me before. The one thing he's scared to say is about Esty. When you even mentioned her name, I should't say that. We'll probably have to cut it out. No, she told me before. The one thing he's scared to say is my last name.

When you even mentioned her name, I tried to get away. She's not beating the drums for parenthood necessarily. She told me before, it's a thankless job. So I'm saying you're very blessed to be this fulfilled as a parent. I don't know if that's universal. The truth is when they get older, they can go in a direction which can be miserable, and I believe that can happen no matter how well

you raise them. And that can be a source of tremendous stress. So at that point, you won't be getting into happiness. But when they're young, four, five, six,

seven-year-old, and they have, knock on wood, have no issues where there's normal children, it's the best thing ever. Right. But eventually, there's going to be, at some point...

You'll always kill with your children. Oh, Daddy, you're so funny! Daddy's so funny! Until the day they don't want to be seen with you when you're the least cool person on planet Earth. I haven't told the story on the radio, how smart my son is in every role. Well, it's your favorite topic, I know.

My son really is something exceptional. But he's totally into superheroes. Like, totally into superheroes. He knows that Superman was born on Krypton, and his father's name was Kal-El, and he's Jarl. And then when he went to Clark Kent, he works at Daily Planet, fights for truth and justice. And he knows the Penguin, he knows Oswald Cobblepot. He knows, like, he's only two. He knows everything about superheroes.

But then when he wakes up in the morning, he goes, I'm Batman today. I'm Batman. You're Robin. Come on, Robin, to the Batcomputer. To go to the Batcave under the table. It's like, where are we? Two-Face. And how are you going to get Mr. Freeze?

I'm going to use my anti-freeze ray. Like, he's really into it. So then I'm like, but it's all day. And I'm like, okay, Manny, it's time for lunch. You want to have some lunch? No answer. Manny, it's time for lunch. He says, I'm Batman. Like, he's, like, really serious. Like, all right Manny, it's time for lunch. You want to have some lunch? No answer. Manny, it's time for lunch. He says, I'm Batman. He's like really serious.

Like, all right, Batman, it's time for lunch. Then we're in the Batcave, and he bangs his head really hard on the table, screaming and crying. So you think that's going to not... I want my sidekick! I want my sidekick! Not daddy, sidekick. This goes on all day. So finally

at dinner, I'm like, look, I'm getting a little worried I'm like you know this is just pretend right you know you're not really Batman he goes I know

it's just pretend I'm like good so who are you he goes Bruce Wayne and then he cracks up because he knows

he's told a really funny joke that's smart that's intuitive he's smart yeah but can you imagine how awesome that is that's great alright well he's very really funny joke. That's smart. That's intuitive. He's smart, yeah. Can you imagine how awesome that is? That's great. He probably is brilliant.

Can we bring the girls? You guys stay. Kristen and I are going to stand up for a second. Steven, so my friend Steven... There's only five mics here, Noam. You have to make some decisions. My very good friend Steven, who adores my children and comes to my house,

he is, he... And no one can understand his friendship, by the way, Noam. Why can't you understand the friendship?

Well, I mean... We love politics together. But it's just, it's the closeness that people don't seem to get. He's a nice guy, but no one can understand why you're such good friends.

Because we have the same interests. He likes music from between 1968 and 78, and he loves politics, and he doesn't feel he has a right to get a word in edgewise. You know, when we talk politics, he'll listen to me. And, no, we argue about politics, and he's an ultra-liberal, and I'm pretty conservative, so it's interesting to talk to him.

And what else? He's a smart guy. Okay. Well, we've gotten to the bottom of it. I just know that there are people that are scratching their heads thinking, oh, he's a nice guy. But, my God, he's around all the time. And they're joined at the hip. We're not joined at the hip. Anyway.

But he brought two beautiful ladies here for us. Come sit down, ladies. And I'm going to stand up. You're going to stand up? You're going to stand up? I'm going to let you interview them. But it wasn't my idea, with all due respect. Okay, so then...

It wasn't my idea to have them. I have nothing prepared. No, no, no. Come sit down. You come sit here. I'll share. These are Stephen Calabria's friends. I'm Chris.

Hi. Nice to meet you, Stephanie. Hi, Stephanie. Hi, Chris. Hi, Liris. Hi, Liris. Nice to meet you. This is Dan. How do you do? Gary. See how cool he is, Chris. Hi, Liris. Hi, Liris. Nice to meet you. This is Dan.

Hi. How do you do? Gary. See how cool he is? Hi. How do you do? I'm Gary. Nice to meet you.

There it is. Hi. Nice to meet you. How do you do? Good to meet her, baby. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. So they are models.

Yeah. They look like models. They have this kind of model. But they're models. They're plus size models. Yes, we are. That's nice. What does that mean, plus?

They don't look like stick figures. They look like natural, normal-looking women. Well, plus models are any model who starts from a size 8 and up. Okay. And the average size plus model that most of the plus models who work the most are between a size 10 to a like 16. But plus models go up to about a size 20. Okay.

I'm a size 38 waist, so I'd definitely be a plus size model. Well, you would actually be at the new department at IMG Models. It's called Braun. Braun. Yes, they just signed their first plus size male model yeah that's for just like a like i'm a dad like i might be a dad you're a hot dad i would yeah okay well it's just you know uh the men who model they're actually very very slender and tiny yeah that's not like i used to have a male model who was my roommate, and he would just, he would eat, like, lunch meat, grilled chicken with, like, no seasoning.

Like, because he wanted, he needed to stay really small. Was his name Phil Hanley? They're tiny. So how, like, statuesque and model-esque does a man need to be to be able to go out with a model? Oh, that's not what it's about. I don't think that. I don't even think we got to say our names. I asked you.

Remember, I introduced you guys. Yeah. This is all being recorded. Well, say it good. Liza. Liza. Hi. It's Liris.

Liris Cross. Liris Cross. The fabulous Liris Cross. Thank you. And I'm Stephanie Patton. So they can Google you and see what you look like. Yeah, you can actually follow me on Instagram at Liris C. L-I-R-I-S-C.

And I am Sunshine Superman. Oh, that's a great name. We were just talking about Superman. Oh, really? That's a Donovan song. You got the reference. No one ever. Gnome is well-read.

I'm sure you guys have heard about the scandal with Terry Richardson. No. What happened? No. He's a very well-known celebrity and fashion photographer who a lot of women came out and accused him of sexual harassment, masturbating in front of them during shoots. Is that sexual harassment?

You can't do that? Not to me. I don't think it is either. Well, that can happen. Anyways, a doctor just got busted on the Upper East Side for masturbating on patients that were under anesthesia. No, he was going down on them. No.

Yeah, he was doing it. I just read about it. I read about it while I was waiting. Actually, I was reading it while I was waiting to get called on the podcast. When you are a woman, you can be a victim, whether you are a model, whether you are a mother. It's just part of our lives. Yeah. Walking down the street.

Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. I told you. I have a size 38 waist. So especially if I walk through a gay neighborhood, it's my ass. They are after you.

They want this ass. I'll tell you what. gay guys make you feel good. They do. Women never talk to me, but I can't tell you how many gay guys really compliment my ass. No, I don't believe that. It's true. Women do talk to you. No, but they don't yell at, they won't say things like, they won't catcall me.

That's because most women don't want to be catcalled themselves. They'd rather you approach them. Right. I'll say this. I know I have a different model girlfriend of mine. A lot of people think that they want to date the

you know, the hunky guy. No, they want to date the good guy. They want to date what? The good guy. They want to date Dan Natterman. Well, first of all, I don't like the accusation that I'm a good guy. I'm bad to the bone. Danny. So my friend Steven, I don't like the accusation that I'm a good guy. I'm bad to the bone. Danny. So my friend Steven, I cannot...

He's extremely insecure about himself. Actually, I think DiStefano is... He literally thinks that no woman wants to go out with him because one time when he was like seven years old, a girl in a sandbox told him he was ugly. This is true, right? Not entirely. Basically true. It was eighth grade.

Why didn't somebody give Mr. Calabria the microphone? In eighth grade, a girl told him he was ugly. Which is like in eighth grade, they said it to everybody. And since then, he's never been the same. But you know what? That's the thing about I've noticed

about men. Men will get hurt by some girl in like kindergarten and they will hold that until they're like almost in the grave yeah women fuck you tiffany sapuvita is that a real name she has to call you fat. But if you saw, like, a really hot model arm in arm with Steven walking down the street, you wouldn't say, like, what the hell is going on there, right? Hell no.

No. You would say he probably, he's got something else, you know. He's got some other quality. He's got money. He's got good game. He's got good cocaine. But he has to have something. He said good cocaine. He has to have something. You know good cocaine. He has to have something.

You know, there's a reason that a woman would go out with a man. See, I don't see it that way. If I saw a girl, she must like him. I wouldn't demean him by thinking he has that money. But it's not demeaning, but he's got to have some certain quality. He's got to have, if he's with a beautiful, a 9 or a 10, a super hot woman, he's got to be bringing something to the table. It doesn't have to be good looks.

His personality. All right, his personality. Usually, it's got to be bringing something to the table. It doesn't have to be good looks. His personality. All right, his personality. Usually it's going to be more than that. I think it's one thing when it's a young guy who's cute. Maybe he's not like a male model. I mean, who is a male model? Very few people. But it's one thing when it's a way older dude or something like that.

Then you're going to make assumptions like, oh, it's his car, or it's his money, or he has a nice penthouse, or he buys her this, that, or the other thing. How old are you? 29. He's bald, but he's 29 years old. He looks young. I would assume, oh, they're just a young couple. They look good together.

Do you guys have boyfriends? I do. I don't. Is this why these girls, is this your way of meeting her? You said this was a good idea. And I don't, like, screen people and ask them if they're single. Let me tell you something. First of all, he loves women of color. Oh, gee.

Like, no? Well, no. There's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely. You're barking up the right tree here. All right. I think that my wife is of color. I guess she is.

She's half Indian. And I've had girlfriends all around. But I don't have like a thing. I don't think he's attracted to white women. I haven't dated a white guy in years. So your boyfriend's black? My current boyfriend is Korean. The guy before him was Colombian.

Fresh off the boat Colombian. That was hot. All my guys were in the gamut. My last boyfriend was black. He was a truck driver. And then my boyfriend before that was an older British guy who was like a CEO. So, like, I just date good guys. Did you date him because he had money?

No, I met him randomly at the 4040 Club on Halloween. Like, it was really random. And we just had great conversation and we became the best of friends. I mean, he wasn't my, like, usual type, but we just met and we clicked and it was great. And I think the money thing is overblown. Absolutely. I've never asked him for money.

I never asked him to pay for anything. I think it's what the money means about a man. Like, accomplishment is sexy to a woman. Yes, ambition. Yes, ambition is very sexy. Ambition, accomplishment, maybe even power in a certain way. And money can be shorthand for all those things.

But just like a knucklehead who inherited a million dollars but can't manage to accomplish anything, that's not sexy to a woman, right? I have to go up. Sorry. I have to have a spot around the corner. No, don't leave us.

You're leaving us? Well, I have to because I have to perform. Here's the thing. So you met a guy at the 40-40 club, but if you're there, you probably have money. So that is a thing. You're meeting a certain class of person. That's definitely not true about the 40-40 club.

No. They don't let me in. I came with my girlfriend. Please, they would let you in. Really? Yeah. He was on America's Got Talent. He was a runner-up on America's Got Talent.

That wouldn't even matter to them. They would let you in. They don't care that you lost. Yeah. I have a question. Does being a model mean that you attract creepier men than normal women would? No. No?

I think all women get hit up by creeps. It's almost constant. I think it's more, honestly, an age thing. I think if you're under the age of 35, you will get hit on all the time. Or I should say if you're visibly in your 30s or younger. I think that you're hit on. And Steve, I always tell people it's so easy to get girls because most guys are such creeps that they're just thrilled if you're not creepy.

My friend Steve, this is Steve. He was the best man at my wedding. Hi. Hi, Steve. You might like this my wedding. Hi. Hi Steve. He, you might like this, you know Steve, Steve Fabricant,

you can Google him, he's the guy shaking Louis' hands, he's shaking De Niro's hands, he's kind of like the, he's shaking the most famous, he's the Forrest Gump of the comedy show,

shaking the most famous people's hands. Anyway, Steve and I went to a party one time, it was the Brazilian Independence Day party or something like that?

Carnival. Brazilian Carnival party. Hot chicks. Smoking hot chicks. But Steve's a nothing, right? Steve is a nothing. All the most important people in Brazil were there. Steve walked in and came home with

Miss Brazil. The Miss Universe contestant at Miss Brazil. She came in second in the world and then he checked into a hotel with her for two weeks or something. I'd like to also

let the people know that Brazil has the biggest transgender population in South America. So Steve may have come up with Miss something.

High HIV. She was still Miss Brazil. The point is that why did he get that? I mean, he's a handsome guy, but that's not... He's not creepy. What I was going to say earlier is women just want a man who's going to treat them well.

As far as she knows. That's right. They just want to be treated well. Well, I will say this. I do get a lot of messages from creepy guys, but there are also a lot of great guys out there. Is it okay if I hire somebody for a modeling shoot? I don't like where this is going.

I'm already scared where this is going. And I find myself attracted to her. Is it okay to ask her out? No. Do not ask her out on the job. On the job. You feel uncomfortable. No. Do not ask her out on the job. On the job. That, because first of all... You feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, we feel uncomfortable because for us, it's a business. And we don't want to come there and feel like you brought us here under the guise of, oh, you're trying to get a date. So you should wait until after the interview, let's say. You need to wait until after the job is completed and probably after the checklist okay what are some of the scams that people tried running on you or you know or maybe that you heard that are you know once that we could try i remember um i remember there was a scam that i got that a photographer tried to get me in with, you should come to my studio and shoot these pictures because there's this trip that they're doing

and they're paying a couple thousand dollars to go shoot for this calendar. I go to the studio, we start to shoot. Nice. And then he's like, oh, yeah, you should take your top off for a few pictures. And I'm like. Do you pose naked? I pose naked. Yeah, I pose naked, but I pose naked for, like, Plus Model magazine.

I pose naked for Marc Baptiste for his coffee table book. Oh, wow. So what raised an eyebrow with this guy? Why not? What raised an eyebrow was. It came out of nowhere. It came out of nowhere, one. Two, I always tell other models, because now I teach this at my boot camp,

your intuition always speaks to you. There will be something that's just like, nah, something's not right. I just told my four-year-old daughter that last night during one night. I'm telling you, God constantly speaks to us. It's just whether or not we want to listen. Well, I didn't say God, but I said if you get a bad feeling about something. You just move. It was in Sophia, the first book.

That was the last of the book. If you get a bad feeling about somebody, you trust that bad feeling. Right. Yeah. I think that's right. There's a reason you get a bad feeling about somebody. Of course. Although I don't get the bad feeling about Steven that others seem to.

Yeah, that normal people do. But you guys didn't get a bad feeling about him? No, not at all. So we all got to get a radar sweep. We're not going to be honest right now. No, they wouldn't have come on the show if they had a bad feeling about him. Well, I mean, one, my agent ran it past me. Two, I already knew about the comedy seller.

And I know that my agent would probably kill you guys if it was some type of crazy situation. Shout out to our agency, IPM Models. Thank you, Fallon Sinclair. You're an awesome agent. We are not a creepy outfit here. No. We have to wrap it up. You ladies were delightful. I can say that, right? That's not creepy.

I don't know if you guys want to stay and see some comedy. Love comedy. Yes. I'm going to stick around. I think there is a pretty big star coming down. Can we get a tip? Who? I can get a tip? I can't say who because I can't say who, but I think

you might want to stay for the show. Chris Rock? I can't say it on the radio, but I want to get you guys a table so you can see it. Can I get some free food? I'm a plus model. I'm a plus model. I haven't had dinner. You can have

free food, free drinks. Hey! I told them that when you walked in to get you guys whatever you wanted. No, we did. They did. They gave us drinks. You guys are VIP, whatever you want. Thank you.

And as much as you want. So that's it. So anyway, thank you very much for coming. Thank you for having us. Thank you, Stephen, for getting them. And thanks to Chris and Gary Veeder. You should check out Gary Veeder at GaryVeeder.com.

V-I-D-E-R. Yeah, and at Gary Veeder on Twitter and Instagram. You're probably a good tweeter. I don't really like tweeting that much, actually. But it's right up your alley. Do you Snapchat? Not enough words. Yeah, I know. I don't do Snapchat

that much either. I should be better at that stuff. Snapchat is so you can speak secretly. It self-destructs. No, no. Snapchat is basically it's like you snap and tell your story daily through pictures or video.

It's kind of like your reality show. Do you ever get dick pics? People send you dick pics? Yes. I haven't gotten any yet. Oh, no, I did get one. Instagram is the worst. Nobody wants a dick pic, right?

No. Not unless I ask for it, no. Have you asked for it? No, I haven't. I mean, not from anybody randomly, no. I mean, when you're dating. No. I mean, when you're dating... No. I mean, when you're dating somebody, when you're booed,

that's different. But in general, you don't want dick pics? No. Have you ever taken a dick pic, Steven? Yes. Not unsolicited. I've never taken one. I've never taken one either. I would never do it. There's no reason to get that out there. It's really funny. All the guys I've ever dated, because I've never taken one either. I would never do it. There's no reason to get that out there. I will say, it's really funny.

All the guys I've ever dated, because I'd be totally into that. Like, if I'm dating you, it's because I probably like your penis a lot. But all of my boyfriends, when I ask for stuff like that, they're like, no, that's weird. Really? Yes. When I was younger and I was I can imagine myself a certain time in my life that I would have done that before the balls dropped

now the internet is forever and I have children and you know you think you're going to get along but girls can be so vicious when the relationship goes south and Vindictive. And I know that picture will show, and not that I have anything to be ashamed of.

I'm a plus-size model in my own way. But, uh, still, I don't need that. I don't need my daughter to see that. She won't be pleased with any of her boyfriends after she sees daddy. Anyway, ladies, thank you very much for coming.

Thank you. Good night, everybody. We'll get you your seats. Bye, everybody.