The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Chris DiStefano & Lewis Schaffer

Episode Date: March 31, 2017

Chris DiStefano is a prominent New York City-based standup comedian who can be seen regularly at the Comedy Cellar. Lewis Schaffer is a London-based standup comedian. He remains an important pillar in Comedy Cellar history.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're here at the back table at The Comedy Cellar with Dan Natterman and two guests right now. Mr. Louis Shape for Comedy Cellar Legend. The man actually, in many ways, responsible for the modern iteration of the Comedy Cellar.

And back from, were you just in L.A.? Yes. Back from his triumphant shooting of his sitcom, Chris Stefano. There you go. All right.

Well, Chris, when last we spoke with Chris, you were on the show, what, two months ago? Yeah, I think so. Well, whenever it was. Two, three months ago. You had just inked the deal, I guess, with your development deal. Yes.

Based on your rather interesting story of having impregnated a young lady that you barely knew. In a one-night stand. Yep. And having a child with her and trying to make that relationship work. A Latina woman. I pulled a gnome. A Latina woman. I pulled a gnome. A Latina woman. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that why you call it a development deal? Because you made a child. You developed a child. That's it. Yeah. Have you heard that joke before? No. No, I have not.

Is that not funny, Dan Aderman? Well, Lewis, now we'll get to you, by the way. You're certainly welcome to participate, but I do want to get the focus on Chris for the first portion of the show. I do want to get the focus on Chris for the first portion of the show. I'm welcome to participate. I like that concept. There you go. By the way, am I allowed to ask

so you were in a relationship with a young lady that you impregnated but barely knew and you tried to make it work for the sake of the child. This is in real life. Yes. And by the way, I remember he said she was so hot that he knew when he was doing it that she was going to get pregnant and he didn't care. I don't want to regret. Yeah. One night stand. Oh, yeah. But it turned out not to be a one night stand because she got pregnant and you figured, OK, well, we have a child together.

Let's make it work. Yep. So they decided to give you a TV show based on that story. Yep. By they, I mean the producers of How I Met Your Mother, I believe. Yeah. Creators. Yeah. So now in real life how's that relationship going or do you know what we should discuss no it's you know to be honest filming the pilot you know because we filmed it live my whole family came there to LA

and you know nobody travels like that in my family so they all came and it was one of those experiences where I think it brought us all closer together so now before I left for the pilot I was like you know not even living there and it was one of those experiences where I think it brought us all closer together. So now, before I left for the pilot, I was like, you know, not even living there, and it was like, you know. Not even living with the baby mama. No, I would see my daughter every single day, but I was

like, you know, we, it was tough. But now it seems like we're getting a lot closer, and I don't know. I'm in that in-between, I think we're in a gray area right now. But we both love our daughter so much that, you know, it's hard. I think if you don't have children, it's hard to understand where I'm at. I don't have children, so I am.

Oh, I know. Lewis has children and a broken marriage, and he's dying to say something, but Dan has already put a roadblock, so he's afraid. Correct, Lewis? No, I'm not going to say anything because anything that I say is going to be bitter about this thing. No, go ahead and say it. And I get the feeling that Chris has no idea what he's in for. What, with the girl? Yeah, get the feeling that Chris has no idea what he's in for. What, with the girl?

Yeah, with the girl. He has no idea. Yeah. And the reason she's hanging out with you is because you're doing really well. Wait until things go bad, and you'll never see your kid again. Well, I know we never got married, so that's like the good thing. No, you were married. You had a kid.

Having a kid makes you married. That's the definition of married. You don't have to be married to be married. No, I know. I know. I know like legally we weren't married though. So I know like lawyers and stuff are like, oh, it was way, you know,

it's better that I'm not married. But I don't know. I don't know how it's going. I'm just focusing on my career and my daughter. Keeping the money that you earn. Yeah. Yeah, it's way better to not be married. If you share something, like a daughter, right?

You are married. No, you're not married. No, you share something, like a daughter, right? You are married. No, you're not married. No, you are. That's what marriage is. If somebody has your stuff... You're talking in a... You're not talking legally. No, I'm not.

I know you missed a lawyer. You have a legal thing. The point is that if you're married and you marry another woman, that's illegal. If you're married the way I'm... If you're married the way you're saying,

you can marry... You can be... I mean, that's not... No, he can't because she would kill him. That's illegal. If you're married the way I'm... If you're married the way you're saying, you can marry... I mean, that's not... No, he can't, because she would kill him. That's true. That's true. She would kill him. She actually thinks

she's still married to the guy. Right. Well, she... She does think that. And have you been with another woman since that time? Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, you haven't been.

You haven't been, because you know, not because she's Hispanic. Because you know, if you say it out loud, then you're... Because I know she's listening. Yeah. Yeah, you say it out loud. Because I know she's listening. Yeah, you're a married man.

Just give in to it. Let the man say it. Can we just talk briefly about how the pilot, when you shot the pilot. Wait, he wasn't finished. He had something to say about the pilot. No, I don't have any more to say about the pilot. What do you want me to say about the person? Do you feel married?

Do I feel married? I understand what Lewis is saying. I feel like marriage to me now is pointless, especially with the mother of my child, because we're closer and we have more at stake with a human being than we would with a marriage certificate. Marriage means

absolutely nothing to me now. Are you having sex with her? Are you still having sex with her? You know, I mean... Don't let him off the hook! You know, when mean... You can't say yes. In the heat of passion. Don't let him off the hook. In the heat, you know, when the mood is right, when we're drunk. No, I...

You don't live together? Are you having sex with her? No. I don't know. I mean, once in a while. You don't know. Once in a while. Are you living together?

We live together like... Quasar. I'm there. I've slept there the last week since I've gotten home. If, in the periods that you're not sleeping there, if she were to have a liaison with another man, would that be A, against the rules,

and B, would you go nuts? It wouldn't be against the rules, but it would bother... Oh, he'd go nuts, all right. Nuts with other chicks. Yeah. I would drop my nuts all over everybody. No, but it wouldn everybody. I'm not the kind of guy who would go crazy

off that, but it would upset me. I get jealous when I see an ex-girlfriend I haven't seen in 20 years with her husband. I'm never jealous. I want them to have things. Everything that they have means you can have a thing. How did the

pilot go? Oh, damn, this is the more interesting subject. We're going to get to the pilot. Nobody cares about the pilot, Dan. They want to know show business. Because I'm going to tell you something. I don't even know this guy. He's probably a big maja in LA. He's going to be a huge star. Like the millions of people that we know know him. And Dan, we know a lot of people who

become famous over the years. So he could be somebody. I don't know because I'm from London. But I'm going to tell you something. You're married to her. You better not touch another woman. I know. Okay? All right.

But we've established that. Okay. It was a great point and it was interesting the first time you said it. All right. The second or third, less and less each time. That's why I want to move it along. Like children. Like children.

Or like having sex with a woman. It's less interesting the next time. A brief Like children. Or like having sex with a woman. It's less interesting. A brief discussion of the pilot. The pilot what? Old sabotage gnome. No, I'm kidding. No, he's right.

He's right because the pilot isn't as interesting. It should be filmed. Dan's going to have a meltdown. Let him ask how the pilot is. People like showbiz talk. The last we spoke with Christopher, he was going to have a meltdown. Let him ask how the pilot is. People like showbiz talk. Last we spoke with Christopher, he was going to do a pilot. And so let us now tie the loose ends up, if we may, and talk about aforesaid pilot. Yeah. It was good.

It was Chaz Palminteri. I'm not saying we have to do a whole half hour on the pilot. Just give us the thumbnail sketch. Chaz Palminteri played my father. Annie Potts played my mother. Diane Guerrero

from Orange is the New Black played my girlfriend, baby mama, wife. Deanna Maria Rivas from Man with a Plan played my mother-in-law. And it was great. All right.

It was great. It was Pam Fryman directed it. She's directed like a million sitcoms. So you, from your biased inside views, think this thing is going to take off? I don't know about that. I know this.

I know that what I made, I'm very proud of. And anything that I had to bend on, I didn't do anything uncomfortable when I watch it. I'm like, I'm proud of that. If it goes, great. If it doesn't go, I still. I'm going to ask you a question that might put you a little bit ill at ease. How do I get in on this train?

If it goes, because it'll film here in New York, if it goes, I promise you I'll get you a spot on the show. That's a legal contract. You don't have that power. No money has been exchanged. In the first season, I probably wouldn't have that power. Well, I didn't have that kind of time to wait for a second season. Okay. I got three cruise that kind of time to wait for a second season.

Okay. I got three cruise ships booked this year that I'm anxious not to do. Yeah. All right? Cancel one, and that'll be your contract, right, Noam? Exactly. There you go. No, because if he doesn't, well, it might be a contract, but just because we have a contract doesn't mean I can rely on him to fulfill it.

Just go help him move a couch, anything, in return. Look, I wasn't talking necessarily about a role on the show, though. That would be lovely. I'm talking more about, you know, you can give me a fish and I'll eat for a day. I want to learn how to fish. So I'm talking about something more long term, like a writing position on staff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's.

And I know you don't have the power to click your fingers and say, you're in. Yes, he does. He does. He's the guy. He's not the guy. No, but it's crazy. The producers are the guy. I have almost like no power. I mean, I'm a producer on the show too, but it's the network.

But I promise you that if it got on the air and you wanted to write on the show, I would make sure that every producer from the highest up to me would look at your writing packet very, very closely. Now, he's asking you to do a Roseanne Barr for Dan Natterman.

Are you going to do it? What's a Roseanne Barr? Well, you go mental. You say, this is my show. Because, first of all, there's two reasons why that's not going to fly. Well, number one is, I think probably Roseanne had more power at that time. Number two is me and Chris are not that close that he would do that for me. I don't expect him to do friendly. We've had smoothies together, whatever.

I'd invite you to my wedding if I ever legally got married. Would you really? Yeah, you'd be in with the plus one. Apparently we're closer than I thought. Am I the plus one? If you give him a role, can I be Dan Aderman's father on the show? Yes. You could be in.

They're the same age, you know. Really? But Dan has sold himself to the devil. He's got the picture of Dan Aderman in his... How old are you, Lewis? He's going to be sweet 60 tomorrow. Oh, I've been at the same age. Not the same age.

Well, you think we are. Thank you very much. Well, thank you. More pilot questions, Dan. They. Not the same age. Well, you think we are. Thank you very much. Well, thank you. More pilot questions, Dan. They're fascinating. Go ahead. No, me. I'm kidding.

You know, Noam always does this. I'm kidding. He sabotages. But meanwhile, Noam will have a guy on to talk about minutiae from the tax code. Okay. Last week, we had this dude on, and he was talking about this minutiae shit with the tax code. It's like, dude, this is the comedy of the podcast. You know who it was?

You know who it was? It's so funny. You know who it was? It was a guy who a few days earlier had gotten the scoop of Donald Trump's tax returns. Oh, shit. The guy who found them in his mailbox? That's the guy we had on. That's pretty interesting.

No, I'm so proud of him. And Dan's like, you had this boring guy. I didn't say he was a boring guy. This guy actually steered the ratings. Rachel Maddow got her best ratings ever because this guy was on the show. Four days later, we have him on our show to talk about the same thing. Dan thinks it's a total waste of time. No, no, no.

I didn't say it was a waste of time. I said when we have him on, you don't have to go into minute details. All right, Dan. You can keep it so that everybody – and by the way, I don't think it was a great guest for our show, despite his notoriety. But I made it good by, you know, I steered in the right direction. I thought you were good last week. Thank you. I even told Calabria that, and he didn't agree with me, but I thought you were good.

Do you know Louis Schaefer, Chris? I've heard of him. I don't know him personally, though. Well, I know he's in England, right? Let's talk a little bit about Louis Schaefer. In a way, he kind of, I wouldn't say he's like you, but Louis Schaefer, his whole shtick when he used to work here in the city was, I'm not gay, I'm a sissy. He'd go up on stage and say, I'm not gay, I'm a sissy, not gay, sir.

And he had some great jokes about it. Like, for example, his best joke is, I'm not gay, I'd like to be gay. You know why? Men. That's why? Men. His whole shtick was that he's not gay, but everybody knows that he really is gay. And the best part is... No, they don't know. It's up in the air whether I'm gay or not.

My father, on his dying day, insisted you were gay. He did say that. He did. And the fun part was, usually after, if he was hosting, because he was a host here, we'd go on and talk about how gay he was for a few minutes. Nice. Comedy gold.

Yeah. And it was a lot of fun. And then he met a woman. Similar to Chris Steff? What's your name again? DeStefano. DeStefano. He met a woman.

The same thing. He met a woman, this woman, Vivian, who he barely knew but decided, I want to get married. I'm old and I need to get married. Right. And have a kid. So he went to England with her. And I said, like Chris said, I don't care if she gets pregnant or not. Yeah.

Yeah. Just go in. But he moved to England. And then regretted it. Because he thought in his dumb head that if he moved to England, everybody would be talking about him in New York because he'd be the guy that it's like, he moved to England. Oh, my God. He'd create a buzz.

I had no plan B, Dan. I never had a plan B in my life. I don't have a plan A. I just did what I did. I regret it. Yeah. So, anyway, he left, and he lives in England now with two of his... And you named your children Columbus and Carnegie?

That's right, yeah. Cool names. What? You don't like that? I like something different. Yeah. Explain Columbus and Carnegie to me. I wanted to name my kid...

You know, like a Muhammad is a big name, right? I wanted to name my kid I wanted to name my kid I thought a first name That was somebody else's last name Would be a great name And I wanted to name my kid Einstein Because he's smart Now here you don't even laugh In London that would be the worst thing you could ever name

Because Einstein is an insult to use For people who are smart It's like sarcastic It's like a sarcastic. It's like sarcastic, hey, Einstein. We do that here, too. You do that here, too. Yeah, we do. Anyway, so I'm glad I didn't name him Einstein

because now I think he's an idiot. Here's the point. The point is I had two kids. I didn't do what Chris did, which is muscle it out, which is realize that this woman's insane, which is what you're probably thinking about your wife, is insane, and I've got

to do everything in my power to keep her happy to see my children. I did not realize that. You didn't do that? Because you're gay? Because I'm gay and I don't like women. Basically, it's true. You probably think, oh, it's a breast, I'll touch it, I don't care. Right? You just like her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love tits. Yeah, you love it.

You love it. So she's a pretty girl. She's in the room with you. I might as well have sex with her. Me, it just sickened me. Right. It just sickened me that there was an actual woman there and I had to make her happy. Well, are we being serious now? Because I went through this too.

Yeah. And I don't know what happened. I don't know. She probably can't figure out how to listen to this. I don't know what happened with my wife, but for three years after our daughter was born, she was just horrible to me like horrible like unbelievable

what you thought about leaving you couldn't not believe I didn't pack the suitcases back in the back of the car and vicious that's it I'm done with you I should have known and then but I sucked it up I never argued I never engaged because I kept my eye on what was important.

On the prize. That's right. I'm not losing my head. And then, this is interesting. Then one day, for no reason, she snapped out of it. And she's nice to me again now. How many kids? You've got two kids, right?

Two kids and one on the way. And one on the way. But there is a biorhythm or whatever, for lack of a better word, of relationships. And the truth is that if you just suck it up and stay together, it does eventually turn around. But you had the foundation with your wife already, right? How long were you with her before you had your first child? 17 years.

So you were with her for a long time. On and off. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. See, I think what's hard about my thing is I still, I've only known my daughter's mom for two years, and our daughter is 19 months old. Two years minus nine months. So it's like we don't have any foundation. So I think the reason why we both run all the time is because we wouldn't be together if we didn't have a kid.

Because all these red flags are up on the both of us when we absolutely would have been like, okay, the relationship's over. We can't. We have to keep trying to find hurdles to get over because we're trying to make it work for the kid. But it's exhausting to do that with someone. And you've been through that colossal waste of time they call couples therapy. Oh, yeah. Has anybody ever, ever been saved by it? Makes it worse.

Well, actually, it's so interesting because somebody was asking, why don't you go to couples therapy? I said, well, because in couples therapy, you're supposed to be honest. And the truth is, if any man was actually honest in couples therapy, that would really be humpty-dumpty. You couldn't put it back together again. So the whole thing is a farce. A man goes in there and lies because you can't be. I mean, it's absurd. You can't be honest.

And I also think, I mean, I don't know if because, you know, this may be like a chauvinistic or like dirtbag thing to say, but I just think like being married, one person for both a woman and a man, it just seems very unnatural. I feel like the whole institution of marriage to me seems very archaic. Like that was invented when people died when they were 30. But now to expect someone to be married. For 19 months. Yeah. Yeah, for 19.

I can't fucking do it. No, Chris, you're not listening. It just seems a little crazy. You're not listening. He doesn't listen. No, it's not been invented. Marriage is in the mind of a woman. Right.

Okay? It's there, and it's in your mind. If you don't want her to fool around, you are married. It's not really invented marriage. Here's the point. You are right about this. There's no such thing as couples therapy can't work. Doesn't work. You're both wrong, by the way, but I'll let you finish. Go ahead.

I don't know. I ran out of things to say. Well, marriage, no, marriage is a business deal. And for very good reason, historically, because traditionally the man worked and the woman stayed home and took care of the house and the child. And then if the man wanted to just up and leave, the man worked and the woman stayed home and took care of the house and the child.

And then if the man wanted to just up and leave, the woman would be home alone with the child with nothing. So it made society protected that by saying if you get married and you couldn't live together, if you weren't married without a tremendous stigma, it is an institution designed to protect the woman from being destitute and impoverished. I'm going one step deeper than that. It is an institution designed to protect the woman from being destitute and impoverished. I'm going one step deeper than that. It is that true. But I'm saying, what is in the mind of a mental woman? But now it's obsolete

because a lot of women have a lot of money. They don't need to take... Yeah. That's why I think now, in 2017 and going into 2018, it just seemed, I know, everybody knows marriage is happening less and less. And I think it's because of these reasons. I mean, you know, women, they don't really need us as much as say they used to or think they don't need us as much as they used to.

And maybe we don't need them as much as we used to. But the kids need us. But the kids need us. Mommy and daddy. Right. They really do. They need us both. You know what?

There's lots of successful kids without any daddies. You know, I'm tired of that argument. You know what? That argument, I'll tell you why I'm tired of that argument. I'm with you. I'm going to tell you why. Because they measure everything just by the fact, the kid grew up and is a head of, you know, CEO of IBM.

Therefore, it was fine. They don't care about what he suffered, what he went through, his issues. That's all just washed away. They say, oh, there's lots of successful kids. You don't measure successful kids simply because he gets a good job. What if he went through 10 years of misery because he didn't have his daddy there

or his mommy there when he's unhappy and he's crying, whatever it is. That counts for nothing if he ends up graduating from a good school. You grew up without a mommy. How was that? It was horrible, Dan. Did you ever look at your dad and say, why'd you kill her?

No, I mean, and I grew up to be okay also, but nevertheless. Never trust anybody who says I grew up to be okay. But I'm doubly committed to not having my kids grow up in a broken home. Right. Because it wasn't good for me. No, you're... Oh, go ahead. Sorry.

No, but it wasn't good for you, you know, because that's your specific thing. But, like, I grew up, my dad grew up on, my dad lived on Staten Island, and I grew up in Queens, Brooklyn. But my father was there every, you know, three, four days a week. And all I saw was two independent people

who loved me. And I grew up around, like, so much love. Where my, people who loved me, and I grew up around so much love. You're saying I didn't grow up around love? I don't know. That's what I hear you saying. I was loved. I had two parents in the house, and I didn't grow up around love. I think it's debatable.

I think you totally can't just objectify that. It's so subjective to each individual parenting situation. I think if the kid doesn't know any better, like if you're going to get, if you guys are going to split up, one might argue, you should do it now. Of course. While this child doesn't know any better. Of course. Because, hold, Lewis, let a man finish. I'm sorry.

Homo. Now, once she is conscious that there is a relationship between you and the mommy, then she's going to lose something when you get divorced. Right. And or split up in this case because you're not married. Of course. So I'm just wondering whether if you have anything, if you want to split this up, maybe now is the time.

Now is the time. Well, I mean. But Louis says this is not a valid theory. Why did you say no? It's not a valid theory because it has to do with being with the child in the primary years. And the more they get used to you and the more you can stick it out... Well, he'll be there, but I'm just saying whether it's going to be in a context of a relationship with the mom or in a context of two people that love the child. No, but you know what could happen?

Except I'd love them. You know what could happen? So what happens is he gets this. He's on TV now, and he's super famous. And he's banging everybody, all the most beautiful women in the world. Two at a time. Two at a time, whatever. And his wife, his wife, who gave you her body.

His baby. The baby's mommy still loves you, and you're not around. And the anger, the anger is right there against your kid, saying, don't be like Daddy. Daddy was no good. Daddy doesn't love you. I've seen it with my own kids. Oh, really?

What a surprise. I couldn't tell. Lewis, you're judging. I had no idea. Well, Lewis has a tendency to judge every situation by his experience, which is, of course, a common thing that we all do. I've been there. Listen, I know his situation. I've been there.

Listen, I know his situation. I know what he's going through right now. You just got to suck it up. But you know what? Even if you just met her, even if like Gnome knew the girl for 17 years, the truth is, is you always have to suck it up.

Gnome sucked it up for, you know, when she went crazy. You always got to, with women, you just got to eat. Absolutely. You do not engage. You just let her.

By the way, are you saying that you have regrets about everything? Like if you had it all to do over again, you would behave differently? I wouldn't be gay. I do. Honestly, I'm sorry. Well, first of all, Lewis left me. Okay. And I had to find new friends, which I did successfully.

Dobb Davidoff. Dobb Davidoff, among others. No, life gave Lewis some punches to the gut, it seems. Yes, it has, but I deserved it. When you sit there exposed like this, I would do it over again. I'd be like Chris here, and I'd be like you. You sit there for three years, and you just suck it in, and that's what you've got to do. You've got to find a way to love the mother of your child she's giving you a child even if she gets

horrible to you and nasty she's still giving you a child which is something you couldn't done on your own so you got to love the mother and you have to lower your expectations you know before we had kids i had a a girlfriend and a wife who used to like, you know, it's such a minefield now, but it was, was kind of traditional. She would kind of take care of me.

She'd make me something to eat. She, you know, she was maternal in that way. Now, the only time I told her the only time she makes me something to eat is if I come downstairs and catch her making something for herself. She's like, Oh,

Oh, do you want some eggs? Like she used to be a honey. She's like, oh, do you want some eggs? Like, she used to be a honey, sometimes she even used to bring them to me without asking. Well, the focus is on the children. Well, you know, the kids are out to school. Yeah. Lewis is full of... It's just something changed. Lewis is full of anger. There's certainly plenty of people that do split up with their baby's mom that have very good relations with the baby's mother after that, and see the kids quite frequently. Oh, yeah.

Do you know how that works? I think Rich Voss is an example of that. I don't know the intimate details of his situation. I know he has two kids with his ex-wife. Yeah. And, you know, I think he was fairly present, and I think they're still very good friends, him and his ex-wife. Well, yeah.

And I'm not so sure my child's mother necessarily wants to stay with me either. I mean, she doesn't think my life is so cool. She's been on record saying that. She's been like, I don't like that you're gone all the time. I don't like that. It bothers me. She's dying to stay with you. Trust me.

I know nothing about it. She's dying to stay with you. I'm a gnome. Maybe. And women have to say that. I don't want that. Don't touch me there. Please don't touch me there. Why aren't you touching me there? Get back to touching me there. Stop touching me there.

Just to clarify, we do not advocate rape on this program. The opinions are surely those of Louis Schaefer. I wasn't raped. I'm saying this is women. They don't want you to touch them there. But sometimes they really don't want you to touch them there. How can you tell the difference? Yeah, no, I think, I don't want you to touch them there. But sometimes they really don't want you to touch them there. How can you tell the difference? Yeah, no, I think, I don't know.

I look at it like that with just, you know, like anything else. You've got to make the decision with the facts you have right now in the present. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Do the best you can. This is a crazy situation that you got yourself in. It was fucking nuts. You have a beautiful daughter. Whatever happens.

And never listen to Louis Schaefer is a general rule. What did the therapist say? Initially, like a year ago, the therapist was saying, you know, because it was coming a lot more from my daughter's mom, like most of the problems, she was like, look, she told my daughter's mom in front of me, she was like,

if you continue to act this way, he's going to leave. And nobody would blame him for leaving. Because you're making it, you're creating an impossible environment for him to live in and be happy in. So you need to stop. And that was a female therapist saying that to another female in front of me. So I was like, oh, whoa. And that kind of, she listened to that.

And then as time went on, our therapist. Made you attracted to the therapist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Vice versa. Yeah. But then the therapist kind of threw it back on me and she was like, well now,

this was like six months ago, she was like, I kind of feel like if I gave you the key to open the door to happiness with her, you wouldn't want to open it. Now I feel like you're stalling.

Now she's changed, but now you don't want to, you have a problem now. Now you're stuck. Let me ask you this. Is she right? I don't know. It's risky. Now, we don't know what's going to happen with this pilot ask you this now. I don't know. It's risky.

Now, we don't know what's going to happen with this pilot, as you know. Anything can happen. It could get, it might not get picked up. It might get picked up and not last very long.

We certainly wish you the best. And from a selfish point of view, obviously, I wish you the best because I was told that you're going to try to, you know, get me some position on that show.

At a minimum, what's good for you is good for the comedy seller. Absolutely. Which is good for me, so there's that as well. Right. But in any case, is part of you singing to yourself, boy, if I hit the jackpot with this show,

I can get any woman I want, I can have fun, I never really partied it up, or maybe you did, but is part of you wondering what if this show goes, and then how's it going to be with the mother of my child if this show becomes a hit and i become big i think i i think i think about i do definitely think about that but i know that like i try to always stay in the present now for the last you know few months of my life i've been like i'm just staying in the present so i don't it's kind of like everything has crossed that bridge when i get there but i have that has crossed my mind like what am i getting what would i do if this and that happened but um i don't, it's kind of like everything has crossed that bridge when I get there. But that has crossed my mind. Like, what would I do if this and that happened?

But I don't know. I mean, having a daughter now, I think I look at, you know, just banging chicks differently. You know, I'm like, you know, I mean, I've hooked up with a lot of girls. You know, but now I have a little girl. So it's like. You're trying to be more respectful. Try to be more careful and respectful. But does that really work, though?

I mean, a little bit, obviously. He didn't say, I am more careful. He said, I try. Yes, I'm trying. I can understand that. I banged a girl on the subway this afternoon. Did you really? No.

But I know Noam has a daughter, and, you know, he's still... His attitude toward women, I don't know that they've changed all that much. I always had a healthy respect for women. Yeah. I'm not sure about that. I don't think your attitude about women has changed.

No, no, no. I think just the riskiness now of just going out and banging... What if I get another woman pregnant and I already have a kid? I thought you meant that because you have a daughter, you look at women different in general. No, he's saying he's got a daughter.

He knows how horrible it can be when you make a woman pregnant. Yes. Yeah, but it's not that hard. Chris, I don't know if you ever took ninth grade health class. It's not that hard to not get a woman pregnant. I can use condoms. I've been doing it for years. Oh. Okay. I'm with Chris.

It's very hard. No, it's not that hard. Well, how do you do it? I use the Natterman system. What's that? Which is not touch a woman. Well, it's celibate a large portion of the time. But when I do have sex, I verify that the condom is, several times during the course of coitus, I verify the condom is still intact.

And then, but even then, much of the time, I will not finish off inside the woman. Because you're worried about getting her pregnant? Also because it's kind of fun that way. You pull out with the condom. You rip the condom off and you spray her? Well, you could phrase it like that, yes. She sounds so crude when you put it that way.

It's horrible. But no, you know. I'm sure they're so thankful. I would call the pull-out method. Now, well, they're thankful because they're not going to get pregnant. And because they love, because you know women just love to be cummed on, right? No? I don't know.

Can we not discuss this? I don't know. You think they do? No, I'm kidding about that. No, I think some do. I think some do. I think some do. I think they're sexual like us.

Well, it's like David Tell once said, women don't like anal sex. They love it. Now, of course, he was only joking. What's his? Oh, that's Sarah the Spin Chick. Can I just say this? I know this is a bit late. I have a healthy disrespect for women.

He always has, by the way. My father, when he was with my stepmother, I think. You mean Ava? No, I don't want to say her name. No, before Ava? No, I don't want to say her name So she was seeing a therapist And then the therapist suggested that my father come in For like couples therapy And then sometimes they'll see the man alone

Right So and this thing Everything here is confidential But you have to be totally honest So the therapist asked my father Are you cheating on her? And my father said yes And then the therapist asked my father, are you cheating on her? And my father said, yes. And then the therapist turned around and told my mother.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, that's obviously a gross violation of ethics. That's fucked up. I don't know what it is, but that's what – And is that what ruined their marriage? Well, it didn't help. Yeah.

That's clearly a gross violation. I suspect that's a rare enough occurrence. I mean, he could get – I mean, I feel like a therapist could lose their license for that. That's horrible. This is the thing. So you tell the therapist, yeah, I'm seeing another woman. Then you get back in the room together, and then you find yourself again in a position where you have to lie,

and then the therapist knows you're lying because the therapist already knows you're seeing someone. It's an impossible situation so in that situation i guess your father should have lied of course he should have yeah i guess he was yeah he shouldn't have gone to a to a therapist like that they don't work what you need to do is it's very simple one person can control the world you just have to go back what you should do chris stefan the stefano the stefano the stefano what you should something's gonna be famous in his louis cheffer

mispronouncing his name. That's okay. That's all right. What you should do, this is what I try to do in a relationship, and I know I should do this, everyone should do this, you should go back to the point when you first met her and looked at her like she's eye candy. Right.

And every single day, you should try to get back to that point where she was eye candy, you wanted her, you would do whatever she wanted you to do within limits. You've got to go do a TV show. You can't spend time with her, but whatever. But also, you had other options on the table that you could take advantage of if she was misbehaving.

And that's the way you've got to treat a woman. I read it in a book. I paid $50 for it on the Internet. You've got to look at a woman when you're with her, your wife. This is all you need to do. Whenever she gets sloppy, you look at her like she's eye candy, and you'll do anything. What's their obligation? What's her part of the bargain?

The fact is, is like why therapy doesn't work is you can't get somebody else to agree with you. You can only manipulate them and change them and go back to the point. The reason she was lovely to you, the reason your wife was lovely to you back in the day was because you looked at her like candy. And this is... Well, Louis Schaefer, by the way, also believes that AIDS is a hoax.

I'm just giving you some... I'm just saying that this is the source we've got to consider. And also, it was a climate change... Are you a climate change skeptic as well? No, I'm not. I'm a denier. There's a difference.

I'm funny. Here's the point. That's what I'm saying. Just you've got to look at her like candy. Look at a woman like candy. That's all they want. Dr. Laura says, she says, they had a girlfriend. You were his girlfriend.

He loved you. Then you married him. You became his wife. He loved you. Then you married him. You became his wife. You need to act like his girlfriend again. Right. That's the advice to give to a woman. You've got to treat him. This is all fine and good, but this advice might be unfollowable.

Like marriage, you want to lock this in. But you're not locking it in. You lock it out. Isn't that just like me saying if I'm fighting with a guy, just like, okay, what you've got to do is you've got to knock him out. You've got to hit him in the face and knock him out. You can't. Exactly. Isn't that just like me saying if I'm fighting with a guy, just like, okay, what you got to do is you got to knock him out. You got to knock him. You got to hit him in the face and knock him. Yeah, okay.

Now, but easy to say. Yeah. So now you're saying he's got to look at her like the first time he met her. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah. Oh, well, what are you going to put a rabbit out of your hat now? Yeah, it's very hard to do.

That's obviously easy enough to say. Can we get back to the condom question? Go ahead. So while you're having sex, you're using a condom. I'm verifying the efficacity of the condom. You're distracted. The condom is efficacious. You're distracted because you keep checking the condom.

Like your bandwidth is being shared between the sexual act and checking on the condom. Correct? Yeah. And that can't lead to good sex. That's correct. I'm with Chris. Yeah, I that can't lead to good sex. That's correct. I'm with Chris. Yeah, I just don't use it. Well, Chris has a baby, and God bless him.

But if you don't want a baby, millions of people do it every day. Yeah. By your own admission, you were very sloppy that evening that you conceived your child. But he wouldn't have a TV show if it had happened. You're right. But who would have predicted that? I mean, he didn't have the capability. People say things happen happened. You're right, but who would have predicted that? I mean, you know, he didn't have the... People say things happen for a reason.

I hate when people say that. I hate that. It's not true, but in his case, what happened turned out... It so happens... He made lemonade with his sister. It so happens he got a TV show, and I've actually wondered myself whether or not I should maybe, you know, have a kid for TV reasons.

You should do it with a black girl, though. That's what I would obviously... Yes, yes. That would what I would obviously... Yes. Yes. That would be a great sitcom. Me and Marina Franklin had discussed that. And it's certainly not the craziest idea, at least in show business.

No, it's not at all. You know, in terms of trying to get a TV show, because just trying to be wonderfully funny is obviously insufficient. But you know what? The infrequency that you describe of, like, your sexual activity, you said you don't have it that much. Another option you could have

is you could, number one, try to have sex with women who are on birth control. That's provable to you. How can you prove that? Or what you could do is have sex with women with no condom. Menopausal women. You could do that. That's the second.

Or the third one is you can get Plan B's. It could cost you $50 a time if they're You could do that That's the second Or the third one Is you could just always You can get plan B's It could cost you 50 bucks a time And if they're willing To do that I mean I'm saying You can Right

Yes there is plan B But something that he can take After he impregnates the woman I think when she's sleeping With Dan That's her plan B Her plan B is suicide Plan A definitely Didn't work out for her.

It's a joke. It's a joke. No, I understand. I just can't feel anything with condoms. I mean, the lambskin ones. You can take a hammer to me with a condom. I can't do it. It doesn't matter.

I agree with you, which is why I often have to pull out and do it that way because very frequently I cannot. You would think in 2017. I know you've made this point before. They would what? You would think that they could come up with something better than a condom. A spray or something.

They had a phone back in the day. It's insanity. There's numerous forms of birth control. The condom is effective against diseases as well. That's fireman. He's not trying to protect against disease. He's trying to protect against pregnancy. There is some kind of pill I know that like disables.

The sperm. Right. It gives you man boobs too. Yeah, but it's temporary. It's like 10 hours it disables it. Side effects may vary. Yeah, side effects may vary. You know, they also have a vaccine for Lyme disease.

They discontinued. Yeah. Like technology just stops sometimes. I don't understand. Well, it probably wasn't effective if they discontinued it. Or there wasn't enough people getting Lyme disease. A lot of people get Lyme disease. The only way they can check your prostate in 2017

is have to stick a finger in your ass. Only way. It makes no sense. It makes no sense to me. I asked my doctor, what if God had made fingers too big to fit in a man's ass? Would they just not check the prostate? Use a penis, the old-fashioned way. That's it. Use a penis,

the old-fashioned way. That's it. I'm sorry. It's in there, but it's a mystery to us. Lewis, what brings you to New York this time? I haven't seen you since...

I haven't been here six years. Yeah, it's been a while since the death of your dear mother. I don't want to bring up a sore subject, but that, I think,

was the last time you were here. No, I came here because I'm stuck in London, and I realized I've got a storage facility that I'm paying 50 pounds a month. I've spent thousands, 17 years, or more, 20 years. How much is that? Can I tell the listeners why Lewis is such a pivotal figure in the Comedy Cellar history? Years ago, the Comedy Cellar history? I'd like to hear it.

Years ago, the Comedy Cellar was struggling very, very badly. And on a weeknight, we'd have 10, 15 people in the audience. We'd talk about it. The waitresses would have to take off their aprons and sit in the audience to try to... And then, how did you first get... I guess somebody, SD, at some point, hired you to be

MC. No, what happened was is... I don't know what I was hired for. I don't know what happened. get, I guess somebody, SD at some point hired you to be MC. No, what happened was is, I don't know what I was hired for. I don't know what happened. I think what happened is that Louis Schaefer is so crazy that he just started barking people in the... No, no, no, no. He was MC. Maybe he was MC. And in between the acts, no one had ever done this before. He would go outside

on the street with flowers and whatever and start bringing people in. Yeah. He would go like, he would run around the street with flowers and whatever and start bringing people in. Yeah. He would go like he would run around the street going, beautiful couple, beautiful people, come to the show. You're a beautiful man. What are you doing with her? She's trash. I would say he's trash.

I would never say, you never say a woman's trash. First you would say he's trash and then you would say she's trash. No, what I would do is I would say to the woman, you're really beautiful. You know, call me. Would you do me? And she'd say, no, I'm not going to do you.

Then I'd turn to the guy and I'd say, can you call me? To the guy. In any way. How many gold, Chris? And amazingly, and I say amazingly because it was something no one had ever thought was possible. He would fill the room. Right. He filled the room on weeknights on every show.

Is Noam exaggerating? Did you fill the room or did you bring a few people in? Yeah, we filled it. Not filled it completely, but we got 30, 40 sometimes people in there. More. More. No, no, I'm not exaggerating because it was like a lightning bolt to the whole thing. And your father would come in, he'd say, it's Tuesday.

You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to go bring the Jewish music back, like I did around the corner over there. He never said that. He used to say that. He said he was considering bringing... This is how your father used to work. He used to nudge you to work harder. So then, and also

we got a reputation for having a crowd. And from that, of course, it perpetuates itself. And then more and more comics started coming down. Right. And then, so that was great. And Lewis was the flavor of the day. Then he got very big for his britches.

Yes. You want to talk about that? Well, he'll talk about it. I meant Lewis. No, I'm saying, I just caution you to say that Louis Schaefer is not sometimes self-aware. So for him to talk about it, you may not get an accurate depiction. Well, who knows? That's why I like to listen to what other people have to say. He was insufferable.

I agree with that. I should have treated your father. How did it go wrong? Tell the people. It's interesting. I think it went wrong because I thought to myself, you should be listening to me. It should be me and only me because I'm the one who's doing this whole thing. And instead of looking at your dad

or Esty like candy, like you look at a woman. This is how you have to look at people in life. You should look at everybody you work with, all the producers and the directors. If you look at them like candy, they will give you the benefits. If you start looking at them like you're the best one, it's your show, you'll be off the air. And that's what happened

with your dad. And you tried to push Esty out? I didn't try to push Esty out. I didn't try to push Esty out. I just thought, I told Esty, Esty, we need black, we need black performers here. And so Esty, so Manny says to Esty,

get black performers. The way Esty works is, it's not even like jump how high. She jumps as high as she possibly can. And one day we had 14 out of the 15 acts were black acts. And so it wasn't that I was trying to push SDA. I don't remember any of this.

I know you don't remember it. Of course I remember it. Is there a racial component to this story? No, it isn't a racial component. But what it was was it was Louis Schaefer stepping on people's toes. And I regret it. I'm not going to say it. Well, Louis Schaefer also, he would give advice to every comment.

Because Louis Schaefer, he was hosting the show and bringing the audience. He said to himself, this is my show and therefore I get to tell everybody. When I would get off stage, if I was on the show, he'd go, Dan, you stunk it up. You stunk up the joint. You didn't pump it. You've got to listen to Louis Schaefer. You've got to pump it. You didn't hold the

mic properly. And if I had a good set, you see, he would say, so you listened to Louis Schaefer, you see? You pumped it. I was horrible. So then, and then Louis got banished. What was the story? How did you get banished?

Well, then he went to the Boston Comedy. I don't know, because I got a thing. And so Manny calls me up on the phone. And I have a fight with Manny. Instead of looking at Manny, who was a person that I know is your dad. Careful. No, no, no. You can say whatever you want.

No, no, no. Listen. I was going to say something else. I was going to say the opposite thing. I know there was lots of people who loved your father. And I can honestly say when your father died, I cried. I would cry now thinking about it. Your father was an amazing man. Okay? And

instead of looking at him and saying you know, I'm a new comedian. This is an amazing opportunity. I'm working here at the Comedy Cellar. I just got a little full of myself. He said to me, you can go anywhere in the world except the Boston Comedy Club, which is around the corner. And so I said to him,

I said, you can't tell Louis Schaefer what to do. So I went around the corner. Can I tell a story about your father? Please. The Boston Comedy Club is around the corner, and your father used to drive past the Boston, I don't know if you've heard, I've told you this before,

he used to drive past the Boston Comedy Club, which is a much lesser prestigious place than here, and he'd drive by, and he'd say, Lewis, did you hear what happened? We've added a fourth show on a Saturday, right? And then he'd drive up, he says, Lewis, Lewis, do you know who was here last night? Jerry Seinfeld was at the comedy,

you know, cellar. And then he'd drive off. He said, and he'd drive by. He says, Lewis, look at my new car. It's a Lexus. A Lexus.

Is he needling you? No. It's like Jews do drive-by gloatings. It was your father. Your father, instead of shooting me in the head. So that's what I have to say. And this is, you know, we

have this issue, and I get it. Comedians don't want to be told where and where they can't perform. Right, yeah. But they're human beings, and people are not good. Most people are not good at putting themselves in other people's shoes. Right. When you have a business here, and you have another business

that is gunning for you and trying to take your business, which is the American way, literally, you know, less than 100 feet away, you say to the people who are working in your business and benefiting from that work

in your business, look, go do whatever you want. Don't go and breathe oxygen into the people. You can't have both. You want to go there, but I'm not going to have, you're not going to be in good graces here and also pump oxygen into the people who are trying to suffocate us. And nine out of ten performers bristle at that and say, go fuck yourself.

And then often will come back years later and regret it. Are you back now? Do you perform here now? He lives in England. When's the last time you've actually performed here? He lives in England. When I say I live in England, I'm not here. It's not an issue.

It's not an issue whether I perform here or not. I'm just curious when the last time you took the stage was here. I understand you. I took the stage during Hassan's going away. He's in town. He's also in town. And what your father did to him, he put an Israeli flag behind this Egyptian guy's head.

I feel so sorry for the guy. Anyway, the point is, here is the point. He's half right. It isn't about me going around the corner. It is about me stepping on toes with my horrible personality that I have. People don't like me. They don't like me in... You know, they like me in a weird kind of way have is people don't like me. They don't like me in,

you know, they like me in a weird kind of way, but they don't like me in London. Well, Lewis, but my father always liked you and actually when he would drive by and tell you those things, he was teasing you.

That was in a, that was a warm thing he was doing because, because he was, I was telling a joke. No, just so you know. He wanted to get the drive-by gloating line

and it was a good one. That was a good joke. But it's true, right? Yeah, it's true. It was true. That sounds like my father. The accent, no. He still liked you. He wanted to get the drive-by gloating line in, and it was a good one. That was a good joke. But it's true, right? Yeah, it's true. It was true. That sounds like my father. The accent, no. Now, the problem with letting Lewis perform here is he no longer does the shtick that we love so well about not being gay.

I'm not sure exactly what he's doing these days, but he went to England, and he got married, and he has kids, and then he got divorced. But he could still theoretically be the not gay guy but for some reason you've abandoned the not gay shtick. Now why did you abandon the not gay shtick? Because in England I'm like old man.

I'm like the machoest guy in the world. I'm like a Chris Stefano here. The Stefano here. Look at how tough that guy is. I'm like here

in this country Dan and I are like the same but in there I'm like the machoest guy in the world. I'm an American guy so they don't even they don't even think

it wouldn't work it wouldn't work can I just apologize by the way Chris DiStefano as manly as he looks has a very very is very much in touch

with his feminine side and his eczema and his eczema and my eczema well I forgot about the eczema well that's my whole comedy is looking the way I look

but not talking about anything that guys look like me talk about. You're not really that tough a dude. And you used to be a physical therapist, which involves touching men. With kids. I used to work with kids. Oh, in physical therapy with kids?

Yeah. Touching kids. Touching kids. I don't want to hear that. You'll be happy to know, by the way, my frozen shoulder is improving day by day. Well, I saw you doing some exercises when I was walking up. I saw you throwing the right arm up and down. Well, I used to be only able to go as high as a

Sig Heil with my right arm. But now I can go all the way up to, pick me, pick me, teacher, I know the answer. Who told you to do that, Dan Adamy? You've got to give me credit for this. Who told you to do these exercises? Well, I went to a physical therapist. You really are needy, Lewis.

I'm not needy. Lewis is right that I could have probably just gone online and found the exercises, but I also, this physical therapist is also, she's doing stuff that I can't do on my own. And she's also, you know, she's kind of cute. I want to apologize.

I want to apologize. I'm not making fun of the names Columbus and Carnegie. I just, you know, I grew up with a very tough name. I was teased mercilessly for having an odd name. So I'm always very wary of parents

giving their kids an odd name because they don't realize because you grew up with Lewis. Lewis is a generic name. No, it isn't. It wasn't. Lewis is a bit older

than his generation. No, there's no Lewis. There's no Lewis. I've never met a Lewis. L-E-W-I-S in my entire life. I was called Jerry Lewis the entire time. Every kid is picked on

whether you have a good name or a bad name. You can't give a kid a great name. You're going to be picked on. So my kids, they're getting stronger and stronger from being picked on. They weren't picked on for those names, were they? Were they picked on? They don't rhyme with any funny words

on their faces. I don't have contact with them. They won't speak to me. Is that true? No, it's not true. It's almost true, but it's not true. Do the kids... Come on, Lewis. Spill it.

No, I'm just telling you, when I speak to Chris DiStefano, it comes from a place. Right. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. And when I hear you and say how you put muscle through it, I understand it. And I understand exactly what you need to do.

There is a time when a relationship needs to end, though. Would you agree with that, Lewis? No. You fight it out. You stay with the person. Because even, you know what it is? All women are horrible. There's no difference between one and the other. You think it's a difference.

I remember when I was a kid. I remember when I was a kid and my father used to look at another woman and say, I remember my mother who died just two days ago. I mean, 10 years ago, whatever. And I thought to myself, this was the woman who taught me that women are insane. Right. Right? This is the woman.

You have to understand. Because I said, no, not women. I said, she's insane. And then I learned in life that all women are insane. And now I know that I'm the insane one. And that's what you have to go through life is. All women are insane, so you must be the insane one. Does anybody actually understand that? I think I'm following because if you're insane enough

to be with someone insane, then therefore you're insane. If you sit there and you... Sorry, Dan. You'd have to understand the context is that Lewis's mother was unfortunately very ill. She had bipolar, what we now call bipolar disorder. It was called manic depression back in those days. I think you're just Anthony Perkins' mother

in Psycho. Is that close? When I met Lewis's mother, you know what she said to me? This is a direct quote. She said something about Lewis being handsome. I said, yeah, he's a nice little guy. She said to me, God bless her, if incest were legal, you know what I would do?

Trump said the same thing. Trump didn't say it quite so explicitly. He said, if my... No, he said, if... He didn't say... Trump said, if my daughter wasn't my daughter, I might be dating her. She said...

Mr. Schaefer said, he's my son, and I don't care if he's my son. And the only thing stopping me are the people in Albany that pass these arcane laws. Your mother was a very law-abiding soul. But can I just say something? She was a wonderful woman.

Unfortunately, she was ill. No, she wasn't ill. What do you mean she wasn't ill? She wasn't ill. It was at the time this is what happened. You can ask Noam about his wife, and I can guarantee you that there are moments when you thought, this woman's insane.

Yes. Yes. Okay? And if you stop loving her, Chris. Yes. Yes, okay? And if you stop loving her, Chris DiStefano, if you stop loving the mother of your children and fool around, she will go insane. Okay? Yeah.

I agree. Okay? And that's because that's the way women act. It's like a dog. If you touch a dog in the room... Oh, my God. If you touch a dog... We like dogs.

I'm not saying they're dogs, but this is what I'm saying. We have a woman here. I don't know if she wants to respond. She probably never talked to him again. She doesn't want to. Lewis's girlfriend is here. She's sitting in. She's not my girlfriend. She's my future wife.

She's my future wife. If she wants to address that issue, she can. If not, I see she's shy. No, she's not shy. She wants to avoid a beating. Well, it's about time to wrap it up. Well, we've got a few more minutes with Louis Schaefer. By the way, Louis, you should spend more time with Chris.

Because when this show is aired, it's going to be, who is that guy? This is Chris DiStefano. This is Ray Romano. Remember, Ray Romano was here. I saw Ray Romano two days ago. I was watching the first cut of my pilot. And then I saw him.ano two days ago. I was watching the first cut of my pilot, and then I saw him. He was here, and then he was like,

oh, you're watching your pilot? And I was like, yeah. And then I was like, do you remember anything about your pilot? He was like, I remember I thought it wasn't very good at all, and I didn't think it was going to go. But then it became my show. I was like, well, I think my pilot is good. He's like, well, it's probably not going to get picked up then.

I was like, oh, shit. I'm is good. He's like, well, it's probably not going to get picked up then. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. There was a very slow burn for everyone. Raymond. He told me, yeah. Because I remember, I think, two years the show had been on the air. He was still doing spots in the WHA. Yeah. And he'd be like, and we'd introduce him and nobody would really know who he was

and he'd say, oh, you're not my demographic. And I don't know if they give shows that much time to succeed anymore. Well, he told me that he started out Fridays at like 8.30, which is like death, you know, you don't want to be there. And then for two years,

and then they were going to cut him. They were going to drop his show, but then something happened. Another show got canceled, and they moved him to, you know, Mondays at 9 p.m., and it became Everybody Loves Raymond. Traditional network shows aren't what they used to be anyway.

In the best case scenario, you probably wouldn't get the kind of ratings that Ray got at the Seinfeld. Everything is so fragmented. No, I believe that the best chance I would ever have of for example, take Michael Che. He's been on SNL. A good friend of mine has been on SNL for years now

and becoming the face of the show. And, you know, a lot of people know him, but he's selling out theaters now because of his Netflix special. You know, it's just a different thing now. It's a different music. Oh, that's interesting. Netflix is what? Netflix.

Not SNL. No, definitely SNL. I mean, definitely SNL. But, I mean, he's, you know, he's got over 100 million views on Facebook on a bit that was taken from his Netflix special. Wow. He's really, I mean, he sells out, you know, he's in a theater tour now. And I think that there is a place where a network show can get there, but, you know, I think we have a, you know, I think the networks now are adapting to the times. I mean, Netflix is a beast, and then you have YouTube sensations and all that,

and social media, and guys. There's people who could sell out the room a year in advance who have never done Santa Bidet in their life. They just have a bunch of Instagram followers. I mean, it's just the world we live in. I don't worry about that too much. I don't worry about being famous. I just want to make the show, and CBS has really let me make my show.

It must be a wonderful moment right now because right now it's all good. You haven't succeeded or failed. It's all, all you have right now

is possibilities. Well, right, well to be honest, I kind of feel safe either way because I like my pilot just because I'm proud of it. You feel that if it gets nixed

you will be okay with it. And because my family was there to see it. I almost look at my pilot and the whole experience of filming like a 22-minute movie that I got to film with Chaz Palminteri

and Annie Potts and it was going to be over anyway. It was just like a, I got to do a few scenes with Chaz and Annie Potts and Diane Gray. Well, those big names. I looked at it that way.

Those big names, I mean, nobody twisted their arm to do it. I presume they did it because they read it and sent it. No, these people need to work. No, not Chad.

These people need to work. Maybe not not Chad. These people need to work. Maybe not Chad. Chad, what was the last? Dan is such a fucking naysayer. He's like, no, it means nothing. I'm trying to tell you how it is. It doesn't work. I'm trying to tell you how it is.

I thought you wanted to be on my show, Dan. I do, but I'm telling you reality. He's like an artist. He's really something. Actors like to work, and you give them a check, and they'll do it. Most actors. Very few actors can afford it. Most actors. Very few actors can afford it. Chaz, Tommy and Terry, he's not discriminating about what he does?

I don't fucking know what the last thing he did was. Well, I'll tell you what, Chaz. You'd be surprised at what you can get an actor to do. You would be surprised. They're whores is what he's dancing. Very few can afford to just thumb their nose up at anything and everything. And you counter that. Well, because we had a few...

Doesn't mean it's not a great pilot. Well, because we had a few possibilities for the role of my father, you know, the people and producers were like, you know, they kindly asked Chaz, they were like, you know, we know you don't normally audition. You know, you're just giving stuff because you've earned that. Would you audition? And he was like, I haven't been on an audition in 25 years. I have not auditioned for anything in 25 years since Bronx Tale.

But I got child support payments. But he said, this character, your father, seems like just an Italian-American who loves his son. He doesn't seem like a mafia guy, a guido guy. And he said he's always getting offered parts like that. He's like, so because I like this part so much, I will audition. And it was like kind of one of those things where I was like, wow, I can't believe you're going to, you know, not do something you haven't done in 25 years for this part. And then he was killing in the pilot. I mean, he killed every scene.

He killed. And he'd always be like, you fucking made me audition. You know? Fucking made me audition. So he was fun and playful like that. Actors always say they fell in love with the script. God bless. God bless them.

I mean, they're idiots, most of them. I take everything with a grain of salt. But I'm sure if you say it's a good pilot, I trust your read. I'm not saying you guys, anybody, I'm just saying me as a person, my comedy's in it, the relationship with my

father, which is so important, is in it and preserved the way I wanted it. So I'm not saying it's going to go. I'm not saying anybody at the table would even like it. I'm just saying I'm proud of it. So if it didn't go or did go, it would be okay either way. I hope it goes. I mean, you know, I got child support payments. I'm going to do something that I don't offer everybody.

I'm going to put all my positive energy into this pilot going. Oh, thank you. Now, normally I do the opposite. I think bad thoughts. Right. But since you're such a fundamentally decent human being. We don't know that thing. You don't know that because you're off in England buggering young boys.

But I'm here and I see Chris on a regular basis. I'm telling you he's the real thing. There are very few genuine people. Oh, thank you. And Chris is a genuine person. You can't fake it. You can try to fake it. Many people do. But I see through it.

Yeah. And Chris is a real deal. So he deserves all my positive energy. Am I a genuine person? I appreciate it. Yes, you're a genuine person. But you're not a comic. I'm just asking you if I'm a genuine person. Of course you're a genuine person. You're genuinely crotchety. Alright, whatever. Is Louis a genuine person?

Louis, what you see is what you get. Is Ray Allen a genuine person? I don't want to talk about Ray Allen. We need the Aruba gig. Ray Allen's a fine, genuine person. Ray Allen showed up. I went to lunch with Ray Allen yesterday. It was 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

He had his T-shirt on backwards the whole fucking day. He didn't notice it, like a child. Well, Ray Allen is a great man. And the Aruba gig is... We've all enjoyed. Russ Meneve is here. You want to say hi to Louis? Hey, what's up, Russ? I probably haven't seen you in 10 years.

In 10 years? No, 6 years. Stick around. I meant to... We're going to have dinner afterward, Russ. We can all have dinner together if you want. We're almost done skiing. We, Russ. We can all have dinner together if you want. We're almost done-ski. We are done. We're done. Just sign off, Dan.

Russ Beniv, most handsome man in comedy. He's very handsome. We'd like to thank Louis Shea for a dear friend. You can come next week or two if you want because you're never in America. If you want to come next week, is that okay, Louis? I think it's too much. It's too much. Yes.

Not only is it okay, I'd love it. Okay. Oh, wow. Chris DeStefano once again. What's the name of the show? Right now it's untitled. Well, we're going to test names. We like maybe Chris and Izzy or DiStefano.

DiStefano, come on, man. Chris and Izzy maybe because the character's name is Izzy. I prefer Chris and Izzy, but DiStefano, really? No, I know. We're going to do that again? Yeah, I know. With Seinfeld, Cosby, Louis, you know,

Roseanne. At least I'm not playing a comedian in my show, though. I'm not doing that. What are you playing? A physical therapist in the show. I don't like it.

I love it. I feel the same way about that show that women feel about anal sex. Don't call it Chris and Izzy because then you can't

get rid of the other guy. Let's say, let's say, oh, you mean the other girl? Who's Izzy? Izzy's the girl. Izzy's the girl and Izzy because then you can't get rid of the other guy. Let's say he loses. Oh, you mean the other girl? Who's Izzy? Izzy's the girl. Izzy's the girl.

Izzy's my girlfriend, wife in the show. Oh, okay. Izzy's short for Isabella? Isabella, yeah. You can change it. Remember, Three's Company became Three's A Crowd. These things can be done. I'm like Will and Grace.

That was a good show with two title character names. I don't know. We're throwing it around. Don't listen to Louis Schaefer in general. In general. I think you're right. That's the name of throwing it around don't listen to Louis Schaefer in general in general I think you're right that's the name of the show

don't listen to Louis Schaefer the name is something it's like anything in businesses too that you really sweat but in most cases

it doesn't make or break the success of the show like Curb Your Enthusiasm was a name that I was like I don't even know what that means

but that's my favorite show of all time. I remember watching it like, what the fuck does this mean? But I watched it and was hooked in five minutes. The only time I think

a name really matters is when it implies something which really the show isn't, where people actually don't tune in because they think it's like a, you know, totally different

than what it is. Like I Love Hitler. That's a bad name for a show. I can't think of an example. There was that movie years ago, The Great Santini. Based off the book, yeah.

It sounded like it was about a magician. So they changed the name at some point. They changed it with Robert Duvall because the name was really, people had a real misapprehension. That's the example that comes to mind. No, I know. We're not sweating the name. I mean, I think, like

anything else, they'll test names if we get there. By the way, this is part of the secret sauce of the comedy cellar, and one of the million reasons why it's successful is that they cultivate people like Chris. They're nice to him when he's a big nobody, because he's funny.

Yeah. But when he, if and when the sitcom becomes a big nobody because he's funny. Yeah. But if and when the sitcom becomes a big hit, you will come back here. Yeah. And you will be one of the stars that everybody says, oh, my God, Chris DiStefano is here. Right. You know, Amy Schumer started here. She was a nobody.

Yeah. But they, you know, gave her a lot of spots. And then when she became big, she came back. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. So that's part of the secret sauce. We certainly hope it happens for you. Thank you.

And I look forward to the audience going, oh, my God, you know, when they announce Chris DiStefano from Chris and Izzy. And they think it's going to be Izzy, and they're a little disappointed when it's Chris, but still excited enough. We do thank you. We wish the best things for this situation comedy.

It's always great coming on. Can I apologize to you, Dan Natterman, for leaving you? For what? For leaving me at the altar 15 years ago when you went to England? I apologize. It was a big mistake. I'm looking for the other name. Anyway, go ahead, Dan. Sign off. And I guess that's it.

We'll see you next week here on the Comedy Cellar Show. Oh, brilliant, Dan Natterman. Thank you so much. Thank you.