The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Colin Quinn, Ray Romano and Godfrey

Episode Date: June 1, 2016

Colin Quinn, Ray Romano and Godfrey

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. And we're here with, of course, the very beautiful Miss Kristen Rodriguez. Gonzalez? Yes. Are you Kristen Gonzalez now? Not officially, no. My passport, I'm waiting for my passport to expire. She's waiting Gonzalez now? Not officially, no.

I'm waiting for my passport to expire. She's waiting for him to dissolve us out of marriage. She keeps that option up. Yeah, exactly. Joey, we're traveling. My marriage certificate says Gonzalez, but I just haven't changed all my documents yet. He's a real Puerto Rican. He needs two annulments before it's official. We've got to sell some more tires before.

Does that automatically change? No, that's what I'm saying. It's like a huge process. It used to be automatic. I would imagine 100 years ago it was automatic. You know, my father's buried right across the street from my house. He was, but you moved. Yeah, well, the old house.

And I didn't know that it didn't automatically change. One day Juanita came home all excited, and she says, I just got in a mail. I'm officially a Dwarman. I said, I know. The cemetery called. Anyway, go ahead. Finish the introductions.

See, Christian, she's doing it the way you're supposed to do it. Not. The other way around. He's going to change. The cemetery called. It was a disturbance. Go ahead. Well, Colin, for those who know Colin Quinn,

they recognize the voice of the unmistakable Colin Quinn, who we're honored to have among us today. And Esty Adoram. Adoram. Is it Adoram? Yeah. Well, either way, she's been called the most feared woman in comedy. I don't agree with that.

She's the most adored woman in comedy. She's also the most feared. We were just talking about it the other day, right, Esty? No. We were. No. I said I was literally afraid to cancel, and I came in late last week, and I'm so happy that Esty had to do something.

She wasn't in when I was late for my spot. And then we talk about, here's how you know she's the most feared woman in comedy. You were not late. You just didn't make it. I was 10 minutes late. But I ended up, instead of being a chiseler and going off for five minutes,

I was like, no, that's all right. I didn't miss my spot. I could have tried to chisel. You showed there. No. So then, but I said the ultimate evidence,

this is the evidence, this solves it. I address my case after this. Nick DiPaolo, a man who has spent his whole life spoiling for fights with any women literally said to me

like six years ago I want to cancel but I want to wait until Esty's not there so I don't have to talk to her it's scary when you're trying

to cancel Nick DiPaolo what does that tell you he loves me he loves you but that says it all like the black comics they'll call in

when Esty's not here when they have to cancel and they talk to Val, and it drives Esty crazy. First of all, I don't believe you that they call in when they have to cancel. Yeah, they do. I don't think it's fear, though. I think they don't want to disappoint her.

Whatever. It's a combination of things. Then Esty gets mad at Val because she thinks Val's moving in on her. Actually, it's not Val's fault. People think that Val's trying to take over.

No, yeah. Here's the beauty of Estee. The beauty of it is it's that even though she loves us, she literally gives you no quarter when you cancel. She's like, okay. Does she know who you are? That's what I love about it, though. That's what I said.

She doesn't have a phony bone in her body. Thank you. No phony bone. She looked at me as if I say there's a phony bone. She was like, you see? No, she looked

because you have a phony bone in your body. So anyway, Colin, I don't know if you want to talk about it, but we want to thank Colin because Colin emceed our second political debate.

And he was fantastic. The video's on YouTube, by the way, in the comedy channel. How many hits do we got? Nine, I think. The debate was... I just put it up yesterday. The debate was, is America in decline? Because, you know, Trump's always talking about make America great again.

And I said to Noah, well, a lot of people are saying, well, is America still great? When was it greater? It's actually true. You did inspire the topic, actually. You're absolutely right. Okay. So I inspired it. And then Noam said, let's have a debate about it.

Right. So I want to plug Kevin Brennan's podcast, Misery Loves Company. Isn't it early for a plug? Is this going that badly? And I don't know. There's a reward you heard called momentum. Anyway, five minutes in, he's plugging a

podcast. Are you aware of the whole Kevin Brennan-Lenny Marcus feud? Yes. I'm as aware as the average person in the country, which is most of us. Are you team Kevin or team Lenny? Because Esty and I had a big fight today. Oh, I didn't know there was a feud.

I didn't know there was a team. I know that Kevin's feuding with everybody else. Kevin's at war, but they're still doing their podcast, right? Is it on the air? Yeah, Liz is here. Yeah, but they're still doing a podcast, but they're fighting over money. They fight about money on the podcast, right? Liz probably is the expert on this subject, right?

And Kevin wants 60% and Lenny wants 40%. And Esty is outraged. You should have beat 50-50? Exactly. No, Lenny wants 50-50. And Kevin wants 60-40. Kevin will settle for 60-40. Yeah, settle because it started that he wanted it all at first.

According to Lenny. I didn't discuss it with Kevin. And then he settled on 60-40. And I think he's wrong. Listen. If they are partners and people do want to hear

the outrageousness of Kevin, that's fine. But you have two people that went into it and they're equal. Now, if it becomes Opin Anthony, equal. Now, one is more marketable

than the other, eventually. Okay. Right now, I don't think it's right that to diminish Lenny and his importance and his contribution.

Esty is waxing poetic about Lenny Marcus and his contributions to the podcast. I want to know how they're getting paid to do a podcast. There's no money. No. Good point. But the thing is that there is no good will

on the part of Kevin towards Lenny or anybody else for that matter. That's been Kevin's nature since the beginning of time. Everybody needs to listen to this podcast. It's hilarious. Listen, I think it should be 50-52. And I told, Kevin actually called me for advice and I told him it should be 50-50. And he didn't take it. But why are they

arguing about theoretical money? That was my point. They're arguing about Bitcoin.? That was my point. I don't understand. They're arguing about Bitcoin. Why are they doing that? Exactly. Because when you go into business with somebody, you don't go into business and say,

we'll discuss it later. You go into business saying, hey, let's talk about it. But they were already in the business. No, this is classic. They started out agreeing to 50-50, and then Kevin started to renegotiate before the first dollar came in. When there's money, that'll be a problem.

Well, how about you try to resolve it before there's money so you know when there's money, it's resolved. There's no point. There's no point. Of course there's a point. He hasn't trashed you. You know what? He doesn't.

It's kind of hands off on me, hands off on SD, and hands off on Colin Quinn. Oh, yeah. Well, you're talking about he doesn't. Well, you should alert the listeners. He trashes everybody. He trashes everybody. But, well, Colin is untouchable.

He's the sort of the He better, the godfather? The godfather of the comics. You guys are really loading up Kevin right now. Now he's really going to get it to you. He's going to go, who's this fucking godfather asshole? He's not the, yeah. I heard somebody do your

somebody, I should say I think somebody stole one of your jokes. What? Somebody did this thing about the A train and the ski lift. Oh. Well. Am I right? Who is that?

I don't want to say it in the microphone. What are the two jokes? One of our comedians here? Not only one of our comedians here, but a comedian who actually started trouble with another comedian because the other comedian implied that you and he were doing the same joke. Oh, no.

That comedian who had your back and was ready to fight for you was on stage doing the joke about the A train and the ski lift ticket. Wait, you just realized this now? Like, it just came to you? Yeah, it just happened this weekend. What are the two jokes?

So that we can decide as a jury. No, it was exactly the same joke. Almost verbatim. My joke is that I go, you're on the A train now. It looks like a ski lift. Two o'clock in the morning, it looks like a ski lift. Talk about how Brooklyn has changed so much. So many white people.

Oh, okay. Okay. He told the exact same joke. So you're saying because everybody's white, it looks like a ski lift. Yes. That is a specific enough reference where I'd be highly suspicious. And you've been doing it for two years. And who else would think of a ski lift as a reference?

I mean, it's not a general. If it looked like a country club, I would say, well, that's a reference anybody might come up with. A ski lift, I would say I'd be air on the side if he stole it, but I'm willing to hear his side of the story. Now, what are we supposed to do about that? What's our responsibility? I need to know who it is. Well, if he's famous, if he's more famous than Colin, what you do is you tell Colin that he can't work

right now. That is true. That is the law of the jungle. You know, if it's Amy Schumer, you say, Amy, that's your joke. I don't care. What do you think, Esme. I'll take care of it. She doesn't remember who it was. I'll take care of it.

I know who it was. I just knew from his hint. Okay. Problem solved. Problem solved. You're saying get rid of this individual. Exactly. Alright, so apparently it's not Amy Schumer. Oh, Dan, I'm going to get you for that.

What? I'm going to... Don't start with that. No, no, that's not what he's... That's not what I meant. It's that it's somebody that we don't value as important in the comedy, or that you don't... No, he thought you were making reference

to that other issue out there. No, that has nothing to do with it. I'm just saying that... You're like that French... Come on. It wasn't. You French comedians are always the same. It's just like that guy saying,

I didn't mean that Woody Allen rape joke. Yeah, that was... Yeah. What did you think about that? The guy at Cannes, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah. Is it Cannes? Cannes?

Cannes? How do you say it? What is the actual pronunciation? The way I said it, Cannes. Cannes. No, what did I say? No, I don't know. My pronunciation's not good. Is it Cannes? Caness. Caness. No, what did I say? No, I don't know. My pronunciation's not good.

Is it Can? I have a terrible pronunciation. He's just dressed like a French mime. He doesn't know exactly. What I meant by that, can I just defend myself? Yes, please do. Just like, yeah. She, when I think of people that are indispensable here at the Comedy Cellar,

the first name that comes to mind is Amy Schumer. So when you said, we'll just get rid of him, I said, well, then it couldn't be Amy Schumer. Guess what, Dan? Nobody, none of us are indispensable. The comes to mind is Amy Schumer. So when you said, we'll just get rid of him, I said, well, then it couldn't be Amy Schumer. Guess what, Dan? Nobody, none of us are indispensable. The comedy seller is its own entity. You're right. Esty's indispensable. Not true. That's what I mean. I'm saying no comedians.

The comedy seller is its own entity. That is true. But there are some... Not true. This place is bigger than all comedians, and everyone here should know that. The graveyards are filled with irreplaceable men. That's correct. It's larger than the sum of its parts. Now we're getting to something very interesting.

Esty believes there are some indispensable people here at the Comedy Center. Oh, come now. Maybe I need to take insurance policies on these people. What am I going to do when they go? Certain people are untouchable. I'm not going to use... What would you say is indispensable? Untouchable. Esty, let's put it this go? People are untouchable. I'm not going to use... What would you say is indispensable? Untouchable.

Colin is untouchable. Colin is untouchable? But guys, guess what? Untouchable. What I'm trying to say is this. If I died tonight, God forbid. God forbid. If I died tonight, the seller would sell out every weekend and do just as well as...

We might even do better. I mean, the publicity. The publicity. do better. I mean, the publicity. The publicity. I mean, trending topics and everything. We'll have a big memorial. No, we have... No, I mean, myself, we had that conversation about Amy.

I defended Amy publicly on Facebook. So do I. We all did. So do I. Isn't that a funny world? Me too, of course. Hey, all those jokes, if anything, the only problem Amy should have with any of it

is those jokes, some of them were generic and a lot of people could have done it. That's what I said. She should be embarrassed about that. She didn't steal nothing. Here is the question, though, because this came up. Except the Wendy Lieben joke. That was a little close.

The rest of them. That was, whatever. How do you account for that? Well, I mean, I think she probably heard it in the 90s when she was drunk in college and she forgot. It's only one joke. Well, this is what I... This is my question. It could happen to anybody.

This is my question. I tell my own sons. And this... This came up with me. So Chuck Martin is friends with one of the women that accused Amy of... Oh. And then Chuck weighed in in the Twitter thing. Yeah.

And SD... Horrible. In the Twittersphere. SD is furious with him. I am. And my attitude with SD is to listen. Watch out. He seems like he's got a real temper. Horrible. In the Twittersphere. Esty is furious with him. I am. And my attitude with Esty is, listen. Watch out. He seems like he's got a real temper.

Chuck Martin. My attitude with him is. He really surprised me. I didn't think that he's that kind of a guy that would set up the pot. And that's what he was doing. Well, go ahead. So my attitude with him was that I think it's ridiculous that Amy would steal jokes. But he's friends with the guy, and if he wants to say something,

I'm not going to consider that part of his... I'm not going to consider his behavior when I consider whether he's still in good standing at the comedy show. That's between him and Amy and this guy, and, you know, I can't get involved in that. But it's very telling when he piped in the way he did. But he's apparently... Kurt Metzger defended him.

Kurt Metzger said, look, he's close friends with this female comedian. Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't think he's... It's between the Italians, you know? It's like good folks. But you wouldn't let that get in your way of booking him, would you? Maybe. I would if I thought he did something that he had no right to do, but I'm very reluctant to hold somebody's honest opinion and expression of their honest opinion against them. It's none of my business what your opinion is.

Noam, you've always prided yourself, and I haven't had this discussion ever with Esty, but you've made it a point numerous times that you completely separate personal feelings from booking decisions. Yes. I mean, other than an outrageous case of somebody, you know, coming in and beating you over the head with an aluminum bat, you probably would stop using him. But anything short of that, you pretty much, even if you don't like

the guy at all, you will use him if you think he's funny in the room. For the most part, yeah. And so even if you thought John was funny. Yeah, but that wasn't in the room. For the most part, yeah. And so even if you thought... What if Uday Hussain was funny? But that wasn't... In a heartbeat. Dan, that wasn't the issue. The question was how I felt about

him doing it. It has nothing to do with the booking. It did have to do with the booking. It just... No. Well, originally when I heard it, but not now in conversation today. No, not today. No, no. What bothered me is that it was vicious, it was unnecessary, it was public, it was super public,

and I took exception to it. Yeah, I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is. You know, I want to defend Amy. It's nothing. I don't want to take sides in every... I was going to say, but in this thing, I mean,

this stuff happens every other week. That's right. I mean, you'd be doing this all day long. Amy eviscerated him all on her own.

She tore him to shreds. Did she? Did she? Yeah, I mean, the whole thing. I mean, Amy handled it.

It rolled right off of her. You know, she doesn't need us. but you know, with all of that... This is why she's the most feared woman in comedy,

by the way. Everybody's afraid to say the wrong thing. Go ahead, Essie. No, it's not. It's not the wrong thing. I was just giving my opinion. She's a liar, yeah. And the surprise that that individual came up the way he did.

If you would have told me Kevin did it, I wouldn't be surprised. I would just like, oh. He is this mild-mannered guy. He is this sweet, mild-mannered, quiet individual. Friend of Tom Papa. And then suddenly he... Another fraud. He got his claws out.

I know. That's literally how I saw it. I saw it, this quiet, nice, very nice guy. Suddenly this gloss came out and really, totally, totally unnecessarily staring the part. You'd see him. That's how I saw it. And if I see it that way, I'll express it that way. You'd see him maybe gossiping like in a small town Iowa diner in the morning. Like at 6.30 a.m.

It's like, oh, there he goes again. Oh, check. No, I mean, really. All right, let's not spend all day on it. We get it. We all.m. It's like, oh, there he goes again, old Jack. No, I mean, really. All right, let's not spend all day on it. We get it. We all agree, right? You agree? Yeah.

Okay. All right. Well, no, we don't agree, but... Well, we agree that... Well, I don't agree that you don't have to air your... You don't put your dirty laundry in public, Frank. No, but I don't agree in that I, like Norman, you know, if he's friends with these people

and felt that an injustice was done and, you know, that he's... Oh, come on. We know Amy. She's not a joke thief. She's not a joke thief. You know what I want to say to Essie? Essie, never let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking again. I want all...

We went on the radio today, Essie and I, on the Bennington show. She trashed the improv. I did not trash it. She said it looks like a cafeteria. I gave you a compliment. Thank you. So that's it. Yeah, yeah.

Gee whiz, don't invite me. Keep your friends closer, your enemies closer. If you don't want to hear my opinion, don't invite me. She's got a point. Anyway. All right.

So go on. Back to Kevin, Brandon, and Lenny. I saw this all started. Yeah, I'm beginning to think better of that line because no one's really aware of the back story, but I'm fascinated by the feud between Kevin. I'm fascinated by Kevin, Brandon in general. I love the fact that it's taken off and that he's making the classic Martin and Lewis mistake early on.

He doesn't understand. That's right. Every action needs a positive and a negative. That's what works great together And I think Lenny's about to make the classic Suzanne Somers mistake I can do it on my own There's nothing without me The mistake they're both making is not having a feud

With somebody that everybody else cares about They're both feuding with people that nobody gives a shit about If you want to make a, it's out of there. She's got a good point. I love them both, but let's be honest. I don't know. Whatever opinions I have about either that or anything, it all boils down to decency.

You need to be decent. I agree with that. And he is not. Kevin's not. Chuck Martin. There's so many people. All of them. All of them.

That's where I come from. You know, you are like a Polish-Jewish Kevin Brennan sometimes, as to you. You should do your own rant. Just to be clear, just for the listeners that may not be intimately familiar with Kevin's podcast, Kevin's basically trashing everybody at the Comedy Cellar except for a few people. He trashed Seinfeld.

He trashed everybody in the business. He's been trashing everybody on his stupid fucking private plane. I think it's... He says, what are you talking about

on that plane? You know? Oh, my God. What's that? Who's he talking to? Chuck Martin. Chuck Martin. Oh, Chuck Martin

was on Kim Brady. But I think it's marvelous, to be honest with you. I mean, because at least he's being honest. Because there's so many people in our business that are just nice to the right people because they're the right people

and you have to be nice to them. And he's being honest. He's like the Donald Trump of podcasts now, basically, is what you're saying. Exactly. He's just saying what the common man wants to hear. He's saying what a lot of podcasts now, basically, is what you're saying. Exactly. I suppose. He's just saying what the common man wants to hear.

He's saying what a lot of people are thinking. It's nice to see people... It's nice to see fish find their water, you know? And... And Kevin Brennan is like... I'm sorry. When I see Kevin Brennan doing that podcast and saying exactly what's on his mind, I say, ah, this is what he was meant to do.

This is Kevin Brennan. It's like when Colin does his one-man shows, you're like, oh my god, this is, he's perfectly, this is what he really wants to, this is perfect. It's like a perfect thing. And also, and unfortunately, Colin's thing is brilliant and Kevin's thing is trashing people, but you know,

it's still real. Also, this is Kevin, as I see it, his only chance to break through. Because being, not saying these things hasn't worked in the 25 years he's been doing comedy. So this might work. I don't know if it will or not. Let me ask you. Don't you think that he brings it to a different level to get noticed?

It's not just a question of being honest. It's being, let me see how outrageous I can get so I can get noticed. I don't know because I can't read Kevin's mind. It sounds sincere to me. I don't know. It's his career. And who breaks through being a watered-down version of themselves? The most likely way to break through is if you can somehow be the full version of yourself.

And he's never been able to do that. Now he is. That's what I think. I don't know. Now am I wrong? Yeah, of course. Especially now. Are you just yessing me or do you really Now he is. That's what I think. I don't know. Now am I wrong? Yeah, of course. Especially now. He's just yessing me

or you really believe that? He's yessing you. I think he is, yeah. How could anyone argue with the fact that what you just said? Who breaks food being a watered-down person?

Some nobody. Exactly. Why would I yessing that? What I detected was that he thought it was just an obvious point. That's what... I mean, it is to a certain extent.

Yeah, but it's worth reminding oneself of. Dan says, oh, he's being now honest, whatever. I think that he is beyond being honest. Let me see how hard can I... Shock value. Exactly. Well, we could say the same thing. Exactly.

I mean, the analogy with Trump is apropos there because we don't really know what he really thinks and what's just for publicity. But he does sound damn sincere when I listen to him, I'll tell you that. Yeah, he might be pushing it a little bit further than it would normally. No, he's sincere as a crazy person can be. I mean, it's crazy, but it's sincere. Yeah, but all the showbiz is a heightened version.

He wakes up in the middle of the night. His wife is sleeping. He opens up his credit card bill. He sees $31 Louis C.K. This is on his visa bill. He fucking loses his shit because his wife bought Horace and Pete. And he starts rapid fire texting his wife who's sleeping like eight or nine texts, like cursing around.

Why is he mad? He doesn't like Louis C.K.? Because he doesn't like Louis C.K. on his credit card bill. Why does he care? I don't know. Because it's somebody more successful than him. He doesn't like him. You know, he thinks that Louis is...

I think, Liz, what did he say? He said Louis is overrated. What did he call Louis? He said something really nasty about Louis. He's upset that I called him that. That overrated hack. He's not like that. And then his wife wakes up

Sees the text but then she blocks him From her phone So now he can't text his own wife It's great It's tremendous And you know me I don't handle compliments lightly So when I say it's tremendous You can take it to the bank

It's fucking tremendous It is tremendous. He just likes seeing someone in more of a downward spiral than he's in. This could be... That could be a Seinfeld episode. I mean, it's brilliant. This could be... Kristen said three things this whole show, and they've all been home runs.

Kristen's funny. That's why we have her here. I know, but... No, because the truth is, I don't see this as a downward spiral. I see this as... The man is spiraling out. He's this as a downward spiral. I see this as... The man is spiraling out. He's just attacking. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, he's spiraling out of control, but I see this as his golden ticket. What is going to come of this?

I'm asking this honestly. A showbiz moment. I'll tell you, if he just went on stage and said, Louis is brilliant. I'm not saying he should do that. Nothing would come out of that. I'm not saying he should do that, but to me, this is like when you talked about taking a shit on the Letterman stage. I still stand by that. I don't have the balls that Kevin Brennan has.

That's why I didn't take a shit on the stage. But it's an honest question. What comes of this type of, if someone notices, and says, oh, this guy's crazy. It's not just that he is ranting like a lunatic. It's funny. And he comes up with a lot of good lines in those rants. And if it gets him

100,000 followers, that's a lot of fucking followers. But then that has to become part of his act. I mean, you can't do this and then go through the process. Well, once you're famous, you're famous,

and the people are there to see you, you don't have to do the same. I cannot get through anybody's podcast. I cannot get through. I sat and listened to three Kevin Brennan podcasts front to back

and I was sorry when they were over the time I don't know where did the time go but the point is this it's just like watching an accident

I was gonna say it's like watching a Maury Povich show but the point is this exactly Cops was on the air for fucking 10 years it could be the most

brilliant thing in the world can anything catch fire today that's the other point forget about Kevin Brennan and his mental breakdown by the way his thing with Letty that's the only part. Forget about Kevin Brennan and his mental breakdown. By the way, his thing with Lenny, that's the only part

that really makes me wonder where his head is. Going against the guy that's with you, you guys have this great chemistry. It's not easy to find somebody, I'll say this to Kevin,

it's not easy to find somebody you have fucking chemistry with. Don't fuck that up over a few bucks that you're not making anyway. That's right. It's not easy to find somebody you work well off. And Lenny's not easy to find somebody you work well off.

And Lenny's very unhappy. And someone to work well off, Kevin means someone that feels they have no right to get a word in edgewise. But I'm saying, yeah, there's a chemistry there. Kevin's got to appreciate that Lenny brings something to him, brings out something in him. It's not going to be like that with just anybody. And he's not going to find many comics that are willing to just sit there and bring out

whatever he brings. He could bring in a non-comic. Liz Ferrante could be the sidekick and permanent sidekick. But whatever's working with those two those three is working. Him, Liz, and Lenny. Don't fuck it up. Now Dan, I have to introduce another letter. It's alchemy. Now I got a call from

Sirius XM Radio and I'm about to receive a check I think for approximately $2,500 for some of our things and my first instinct was just XM Radio, and I'm about to receive a check, I think, for approximately $2,500. Woo! Wow. For some of our things. And my first instinct was just to deposit it in a bank and never tell anybody. 60-40, me, Dan. So that's the question.

How do we divide this money up, Dan? Well, that's, you know, this is one of those times, one of those rare times where I say, you the boss, you know, and you figure it out. You split it three ways. One second. You are not Kevin, though. You are a generous person. You're inclusive.

Kevin is going to cut your nose if he can. Okay, but I'm just saying. You can't compare it. No, he's cutting off his own nose. He's also Irish, don't forget. He's going to cut his nose off to spite his face. That Irish temper is a real thing. No, the Irish self-destruction. He's going to destroy himself.

That's right. I agree with that. This is for all the episodes up to now? No, there's a few more after that, but it's for the bunch that we did before I actually got my act together and signed the I-9 or whatever I had to send in. Okay. Yeah, W-9. W-9. Well, I'll leave it to you.

If we're talking about $100,000, I might be more involved in the negotiation. But $2,500... Yeah, but with the precedent we set now, we'll probably be applied to $100,000. So let's be very careful. That's exactly my point. Well, I don't know if there's going to be $100,000 or not.

Exactly. So let's see what we have on the table. I own the club, the equipment. I got the deal was serious. Yeah. And how much is that worth? You should get $50,000. Dan and I will split the other $50,000.

I was exactly. That's a good. So that means you and Dan are of equal worth. I mean, unless you want to put it. Who's worth more than I? Why do you say we do third third, a third, a third, and I'll take the extra dollar or whatever it is. That's fine. A third, a third, a third.

All in favor say no. No. A third, a third, a third? I mean, I think that's generous. But I have to... There may be some... We have to pay Calabria like $50 to book somebody from here and there. I got to take that off the top. Calabria!

Now, there's another issue which is the taxes because I have to give you probably I have to kind of approximate your taxes. It came to me, I'm going to have to pay all the taxes on it. It comes to you personally or it comes to the business? It's coming to me personally, I think. You have to declare that

as income? That's a good question. Maybe it's coming to the comedy store. Yeah, that's a big distinction. Then I can just pay you guys out. Oh, whatever. You'll work that out. I he's coming to the Comedy Store. Yeah, that's a big distinction. Then I can just pay you guys out. Oh, whatever. That's boring. You'll work that out. I'll leave it to you barracudas to figure that out.

You know, this didn't go the way I thought it would. You thought we were going to fight about it? No, I thought you were going to say, no, you keep it. All of it?

Well, why on God's earth would we say such a thing? I'm going to put you on the spot. I'm saying our time is worth nothing. I miscalculated. Why on God's earth? Did you really think that? Because you said that to me one time when you were drunk spot. I'm saying our time is worth nothing. I miscalculated. Why on God's earth?

Did you really think that? Because you said that to me one time when you were drunk. Even I didn't think that. No, I don't recall. Well, I must have been really drunk because I don't recall that. And no, I don't think I said that at all. No, I think at a third, a third, a third. I think, by the way, we should give a little something to the guests that come on the show.

That's absurd. Now you're being crazy, Dan. We can do that too. That's absurd. But if we do that, it. We can do that too. That's absurd. But if we do that, it comes off the top and whatever's left is still a third,

a third, a third. And I told this to Kevin on the phone. An equal distribution psychologically is the best thing. Yes. It's the best thing.

You can always fight later on. The real money, if there's money to be made, is in going on the road and making money because you fill up a room. Now, of course, Noam doesn't have that option because he's not a comic,

although people might come here and you'd make money that way. Because it's not just money. It's also like an official document saying you are this important. You are only 40% important. I'm 60% important. Good point. Feel good about yourself now, Lenny? No, he doesn't want that.

Good point. And you told that to Kevin? Yeah. Did he hear it? If I were Lenny, to be honest with you, if I were Lenny? No, he doesn't want that. Good point. And you told that to Kevin? Yeah. Did he hear it? If I were Lenny, to be honest with you, if I were Lenny, I'd say thank you. Thank you for the 40%. That's me. Really? I would say

thank you because Kevin is... Then why are you taking a third of my money? Exactly. Say thank you. Thank you, Dan. Just kidding, Dan. Go ahead. I love Lenny, but this is Kevin's show. Now, Kevin, if I were Kevin, I would offer 50%, okay, for all the reasons that you've described. Does anybody listen to me?

Yeah, I'm listening. If you were Kevin, you'd take the... If I were Kevin, I would offer 50% because what the hell? But if I were Lenny, I would be grateful for the 40. This is Kevin's show. Without Kevin, there is no show. Okay? It's clear.

It's Kevin's vision and Kevin's everything. It's like Howard and Robin. Okay? I assume Robin doesn't make the same as Howard. I don't know this for sure. But wait a minute.

It was Kevin's vision? Kevin's... I assume it's Kevin's vision. Who else would have such a nightmare, catastrophic, apocalyptic vision? Actually, I had something to do with that. Well, maybe have such a nightmare, catastrophic, apocalyptic vision? Actually, I had something to do with that. Well, maybe you should get 10%.

I heard Kevin on the Opium Gym show, which was a famous appearance. Right. And I don't remember exactly, but I think I was the one who mentioned to Robert how great Kevin was. And Robert says that I chose the name, Misery Loves Company. I don't remember that, but Robert says it. So I'm entitled to something, too. All right, fine. But, you know, I mean, I think you'll agree

that Kevin is the lead dog in this race. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so if I were Lenny, I would be disappointed, but I would say I want to be a part of this. But that's what they said about Jerry Lewis. That's right. It's all chicken feet. That's what they said about David Ruffin with The Temptations.

No, look, I agree that if I were Kevin, I would offer 50-50 because I'm going to make the money. Because I'd be like, this is shit anyway. I'm going to make the money filling theaters hopefully one day. So this doesn't even matter. Exactly. But I'm saying it shouldn't matter to either one of them if they want to fill theaters. It's all chicken feed. The great Godfrey. Godfrey.

No, no, as you say. No, no, no. We don't have enough. No, no mic sharing. Come on. No mic sharing. No mic sharing? Because the sound is shit.

I'm going to let you. No. I like that you yelled at him. Well, somebody's got to put their foot down. I'm going to sit here and listen. You guys talk. Okay, okay. The great Godfrey. One of the great talents here at the Comedy Cellar.

One of the biggest talents in the world, I think. Well, I do agree with that, pound for pound. Like Colin Quinn, we just got to get our social networking up. Right, Colin? Yes. Sorry, guys. A lot of very talented people, no one knows about them because they don't have enough followers or enough, you know what I mean?

And what's really sad is when you go on the road, I do the improvs and sometimes I'll ask Hey! Those cafeterias at SD1? SD trashed them today. She said the cafeterias. I wish there was a comedy cellar in every city.

You should open up a comedy cellar in every city. It would be amazing. But, you have to go to improvs, you to go Funny Bones and all those other clubs. And a lot of times I'll say, hey, how come you don't have that guy here or this person? Well, they don't bring in people because they don't have enough followers. And then the owners tell me this, too, now. They say, now people call in to comedy clubs and say, oh, wow, who's on the bill? This person.

What have I seen them on? They won't come until they associate you with something. Yeah. That's why getting on TV or having a podcast is so important for our live stuff because it's changing. People, they'll go see. There's a dude named, you ever heard of Piff the Magic Dragon? You see? You see?

That son of a bitch is doing well. He was on American Got Talent. American Has Talent. You see? You see? That son of a bitch is doing well. He was on America Got Talent. American has talent. He's a British guy. That's right. And he is a comedian, but he also does magic shit. Stupid magic.

Stupid magic. So his horrible individual is doing well because he was on America's Got Talent. He was in different stages. Popular. Selling out. He was in the finals. So he's been on the draft. And I've been in some clubs where he's about to come and their tickets are already sold out. Yeah.

Tickets are already sold out. Oh, man. They're like this. Oh, Pip the Magic Dragons. And they always got to tell you about a dumb act because when you're not selling out, they go, oh, you know the guy that balances the chair on his face? It's always got to be somebody. Yeah, he was on...

It's always got to be some infuriating name you can imagine. Yeah, he was on Ellen. Yeah, he just sold out already, man. He's not even here yet. My name's Piff the Magic Dragon. You might have heard of my older brother. Steve.

And I'm doing 700 radio shows in the morning going, come to my show, come to my show. You know what I mean? I do pretty well in certain markets, but it's about being on TV or being on something that has a lot of viewership or listenership. It's very important. I do well in no market unless the club is already... There's some clubs that will fill up regardless. Because they paper it.

First of all, papering is important because papering doesn't mean they're going to come and see you though. It doesn't mean it because they can paper it. They force them to buy drinks and they get a bunch of drunk idiots who got it before you. No, no, no, no, no. Because Chappelle can tweet, I will be in this town.

And he'll sell our theater in 10 minutes. I'm saying that they have to have an emotional attachment to you, sort of. You know what I'm saying? Yes. It don't matter. People will drive from anywhere to come see certain people. You know what I mean? Yes.

And first of all, when you paper a room, first of all, people have to say, okay, tickets are free. Who is that guy? I don't know if I want to go, even if it's free tickets. Okay, let's say you're getting more popular where they go, I'll go for free tickets. Okay, cool. Then it's like, now I'll pay for this guy. Can you explain for the listeners what papering a room is?

Oh, papering means to give out free tickets so that you can try and fill up a room. And then hopefully they buy drinks with it. Hopefully they buy drinks and that'll cover the cost. And then you'll have people that say, well, I don't care. I'll pay for this particular person. I don't need it to be free tickets. I'll buy them. Then it's like, will they show up? You know what I mean?

So there's a different levels of wanting that people have to get. It's a lot of stages. People have to go through to buy your tickets, to fill the seats. You know what I mean? It's a numbers game. Now, Colin, just to pose a question just before you got here, what catches fire nowadays? How do you catch fire?

We were talking about this. Kevin and Lenny. Their podcast. Everybody's talking. We're all talking about how crazy it is, how funny. But can anything catch fire? Yeah. Did you hear about the lady with the Chewbacca mask? Oh my god, yes. Are you kidding me?

It's huge. And she got on James Corbin now. We can't even get on these shows. We can't even get on these shows. Yeah. We can't even get on these shows. Everybody that works down at the Cellar, she'd be able to be on every goddamn talk show because everybody's so good down there. I know.

I credit that to Estee and her choices of comedians. I credit that to your choices of comedians and the way, the quality of comedy. All they should do is recruit people from the Comedy Cellar. We should be running all the night shows. But we can't be on these shows. A, the quality of comedy. All they should do is recruit people from the comedy cellar. That's all. We should be running all the night shows. Speaking of which, the fact that every talk show in New York doesn't have two comedians on a week is stupid. If I were in a show, wouldn't you guarantee the audience is going to laugh for at least five minutes? Or even if they don't laugh, they're going to have a great time.

Shame on those talk show hosts, though. Shame on them. They come from the stand-up world. I don't know if it's up to them. Even if they don't come from the stand-up world. It's not up to them? I don't know. Of course it is.

There's some segments that I go, eh, you made that up. Get a comedian on. Get a comedian on and shit it. Night talk show is horrible. It's not funny anymore. It's silly as hell. Let's go on Twitter and see. Get some comedians on there.

How about breed some comics on there and let people know about these. You get hits. These shows get hits. Stop stealing my thing I just said. What are you talking about? I just said that. You just changed it. You're mad because mine's better. Mine's better, Colin.

Adjust your ABC Sports headphones and shut up. This headphone literally is broken. I have to hold it. Isn't there a chance since all the talk shows seem to make the same decision that there's some data which indicates that stand-up comedy doesn't do so well in these shows? No, I don't think so. First of all, anybody that listens to data when they're doing the entertainment business,

go work in a fucking bank. You know what I'm saying? Data. Fuck that shit. That know what I'm saying? Data. Fuck that shit. That's the whole problem in the industry. They sit there with their little, they're like, oh, you know what? We talk to people here. It's like, that doesn't prove shit.

You know what I mean? You either go for the intangible or you don't, right? That's what art is. Actually, I agree with you, but that would imply certain particular performers who are magic rather than just the genre, you know, of like, pick the magic drink. Comedy Cellar is a perfect example that it built its audience. Before Louis, it was still packed.

It was because of the quality of comedy. People came out, they were like, damn, I've never seen a lineup like that. And it just built up, and the comedy club was the important place. They didn't care who was in there. They always knew there's going to be a damn good show downstairs. It's built up, and the comedy club was the important place. They didn't care who was in there. They always knew there's going to be a damn good show downstairs.

And that's how other comedy clubs need to do is sell the club itself, but they don't do that. And they never, from day one, never catered to the industry. The industry never got to come here for free. They had to go through a comedian, which is kind of a way of saying, hey, guess what? The comedians matter to us. And it pissed them off for many years. And that made my whole day.

We got no man. You're like, can you call for me? Oh, they're going to swallow their fucking pride and call us. Godfrey, do you have people who come to you and ask you to recommend them to get into the cellar? Yes. It was recent. What do you do? Because this is the sore point for me and Esty.

It's tough. Listen. It's like the choices we made in careers. I chose to be the comedian. Shut up and tell your jokes. You chose to be the club owner. Shut up and let people come and want to be in your stage. You know what I mean?

No, no, no. No, I'm just kidding. The question is always the same question. Are you doing a favor to the guy or are you doing a favor to the comedy seller? Mostly it's the guy. It's tough. It's like if I know a guy that's really good,

I think he's pretty good, I'll go, hey, Asti, listen, I think you should look at this person. Right. But I don't do it in front of them. I go, I'll send you something at this person. Right. But I don't do it in front of them. Exactly. I'll send you something and you look. And then I tell the person, I tell the person, hey, man, I can, you know, try to refer you, but I can't guarantee it. It's on you and it's on what they like.

That's what I do to stay safe. Right. I'm doing his Roy Ennis. Remember? Oh, yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Now wait, the political situation No, no, no, that's not what we're talking about I'm not talking about that

Wait a minute, wait, wait But there's one more Factor that comes into play Which is when we go on the road When we go on the road You have we go on the road, you have road affairs where you're watching a middle act, most of them are so bad that you watch a guy that's doing respectable

material and you're like, this guy's great. I've recommended a couple of guys and I'm like, this guy's great. Then they come here and they're not great. But on the road, you were like, that guy's really good because they're working to create a perspective. But when you think of funny, I think comedy sellers are funny. No, I'm saying when somebody's funny, I think comedy.

You're on the road. If a middle actor's kind of good, you're like, he's great because the show used to deal with bad hacks. I'll recommend him. He's good. And then you're like, oh. And then he looks at you like, what are you doing to me? Why are you wasting my fucking time? You know what I start doing?

Kevin was the last one, I think. Or Lenny, when they recommend somebody. Oh, yeah. I said, why don't you stay next to me? That's fair. And let's see it. That's fair. Esty, that's fair.

That is way fair. That's the way to do it. And so if they're not good, they are there to see it. I have an idea. And Ray Allen. Ray, you want to come over here? I think the next time you guys see somebody that you think is worth... Leave Ray out of this. He's suffered enough. Recommend them to Ray Allen.

Let Ray Allen take them to Aruba. And then if they do well in Aruba, come out, Ray. That's not necessarily... I'm not going to date you in the love boat and then come over to Aruba. Exactly. I'm going to let Ray Allen... I'm going to let Ray Allen sit down. I'm going to let Dan conduct this.

Go ahead. Go ahead. This is Ray Allen. I'll be honest with you. If Ray Allen sits down, I'm leaving. Nice goal. Good job. Nice goal.

And you know what, Colin? I was just going to say, I watched the debate and you were magnificent. See? Good comeback. The political debate, Ray. Where were you at? You were great. Over here and you were magnificent. See? Good comeback. The political debate, Ray.

Where were you at? You were great. Over here at the Village Underground. We had a blast. Oh. When was that? I watched it on YouTube today. It was great. When was that?

What was that? A week ago? About a week ago. Was it good? Very good. Was it a set up for a political debate? Yeah. They've done two of them.

So they have this whole... They've done two of them. What's that? These two, these poor people. I didn't like his English. Go ahead. We have,

Noam started a... Why is the co-host of my show sitting here? Comedy seller debate. What? Really? Why is he...

Two of the hosts have now been driven off the table. He started a debate thing? Yeah. Wow. And we can, like, debate? No, we can't.

I thought that was Romano. These people are dead serious. That looked like Romano, didn't it? Ray. That's Ray? Ray. That's not Ray. Ray Romano.

Oh, I said it looks just like Ray Romano. Ray. Well, that's probably because it is Ray Romano. Hey, Ray. Oh, Ray. That ain't Ray. Ray Allen, why are you texting me? That ain't no Ray Romano.

It's not Ray. It's not Ray. No, it's not. It's not Ray. I don't believe it. It just looked like Ray. Oh, Ray. That ain't Ray. Ray Allen, why are you texting me? That ain't no Ray Romano. It's not Ray. It's not Ray. No, it's not. It's not Ray. I don't believe it. It just looked like Ray. There's a lot of Italians out here. I know Ray.

That's not Ray. It's not Ray. I've known Ray for years. That ain't him. It's not Ray. Told you that's not Ray. Oh, it is. It's not Ray.

Yo. Hey, hey, Ray. Ray doesn't want to come right in and sit there and go on a podcast. I need a release. I need a release. Yo. Hey, Ray. Ray doesn't want to come by and sit down and go on a podcast. I need a release. Yo. All right, we have Aruba. I don't know. Everybody's left because Ray Romano is here, so they're all.

We have Aruba. Godfrey. What's up? Yeah. You know Aruba, Ray. I know Aruba. I didn't make you sit down on a podcast. I know Aruba, Ray.

He's going back to Aruba. I know. Well, Ray has to find his, be a king somewhere. Well, I. Stop saying Ray because people are going to think it'suba Ray. He's going back to Aruba. I know. Ray has to be a king somewhere. Stop saying Ray because people are going to think it's that Ray. Aruba Ray. We're going to talk about Aruba Ray because there's two Rays. There's famous Ray. And then there's Aruba Ray.

There's Aruba Ray. And Aruba Ray is famous in Aruba. But actually, Ray is okay with you saying Aruba Ray. That's his kingdom. Out of mind. He's loving it. Ray grew his hair out. He's doing like Caribbean stuff.

He's good. He's good at money. Ray's like Colonel Kurtz. He said what Ray said. Playing comics like shit. He's his dream gig. No, I'm just kidding. Ray Allen grew his hair.

He said to give it to kids with cancer. Are you giving it to kids with cancer? But he never gave a stranded kid to cancer. That's not true. It was much longer. Where are those long strands? Maybe it's in Wisconsin.

You're saying you gave those strands to cancer kids. Was she on already? Who are you talking about? I'm second. You might want to go down. He's about to bring you up, Cole. I'm second Oh you might want to go down Ray Jesus Christ Yeah he's about to bring you up You're killing

Woo I'm telling you Thank you man Ray when are you going back I watched all ten I watched all ten episodes But I'm like Your part's my favorite

It's the Yeah it's awesome Awesome Now they fired all the writers Did they Yep Cause it was The showrunner

And the writers Well It was a little shaky For a second But you and Dice Clay Come on They fired all the writers. Did they? Yeah. Because it was... The showrunner and the writer. Well, it was a little shaky for a second, but you and Dice Clay, come on. Hey, Ray, when you did the upfronts, did they fly you coach? They fly you coach? I didn't do the upfronts. What do you mean? Yeah.

You fly coach, right? I don't want to pressure Ray Ray. If you don't want to sit down, we'll leave you alone. Yo, the Vegas episode, I was like, oh, that was... That's the one. You stretched it. That's my threesome, man. That's my threesome. That was the shit, man.

You know, you have the reputation. I'm saying, Ray, if you're going to participate, step into the mic. But if not, we're happy to have you. But another season's coming, of course, yeah? Okay, one second. I'll be right there. Okay, okay, okay. No obligation.

By the way, Ray, do you want to go to Aruba? It pays $300 a show. Yo, we're still talking, right? Yeah, yeah. Ray, when are you going back to Aruba? I'm going back on June 8th. June 8th. And you're going to stay there until November, right?

No, no, no. I'm going to stay there until late July. Late July. Six weeks. I applaud Aruba. Look how creepy you look. Why do I look creepy? Six weeks.

I applaud Aruba Ray Allen. Aruba Ray Allen. Aruba Ray. Because we're all trying to figure out where our shit is. You know what I mean? Sometimes. You're exactly right. Sometimes it's in the Caribbean.

Sometimes it's in the Caribbean. That's so true. You know. Or like Arj Barker in Australia. Arj Barker's killing it in Australia. Hey. Fucking Pip the Magic Dragon's got his shit. Pip the Magic. That's why you got to. Fucking Pip the Magic Dragon's got his shit. Pip the Magic.

That's why you got to leave when Pip the Magic Dragon is winning. Yeah. So, Ray, I know sometimes Ray's down himself like, oh, I'm in a room. I want to be here where the action is. The action is where you make the action. My whole thing is I just need a consistent TV something. Consistent. Correct.

You know what I mean? Sure. I had a game show last year. Didn't get a second season, but I need something that's consistent. All you need is consistency. It doesn't matter what it is. If it's in people's faces all day, they just associate you to goddamn TV, and then you sell.

You need your cash cab. I need my cash cab or something. Steve Harvey's hosting every show, so it's kind of tough. But, dog, if you can make good money in Aruba. Define Guau. I don't know how. Ray Romano. I binge watched vinyl, and it was awesome.

Ray knows I don't watch the show. We're talking about, you're a vinyl Ray, and this is Aruba Ray, because we want to be clear to the listeners. You're vinyl Ray, and this is Aruba Ray. That's Aruba Ray. Now, vinyl Ray, I can't front. I didn't watch your show. You know that because, who's the dude that stars your show? Bobby Cannavale.

Bobby Cannavale came in the other day. I said, Ray, is that your's the dude that stars your show? Bobby Cannavale. Bobby Cannavale came in the other day. I said, Ray, is that your brother? I had no idea it was Bobby Cannavale. I saw Cannavale on a law and order. They show an old law and order. They show his law and orders now. Every time someone gets a show, you'll see their law and orders. Brad Garrett did a law and order last week.

He played a rapist. Nice. Well, no. I mean, that's good. Ray, by the way, I want to thank Vinyl Ray for coming on the podcast. You always come on our podcast, Ray. You're here. And I'm on my way.

I'm waiting for the wings. This is called waiting for the wings. But I think you're one of those guys that's so nice. And I almost feel bad asking you for shit because I think you're too nice to say no. By the way, I could use $100,000 to produce a one-hour special. I think you would say no. You say it real nice, though. I'll say no. I just won't say no, you Jew.

It's vinyl. It's still vinyl. By the way, I play Zach Yankovich. I'm a Jewish man. You're a Jewish guy. The bar mitzvah that he crashed, the whole, and you punched him in the face. I mean, you were edgy, man. He was edgy.

And at the end, the last episode, they're celebrating, right? And you walk off like, fuck this dude. You got to watch it, man. It's so dope. What's the channel? Is it on the Home Box office? Home Box. Yeah, it's B.O.C. I don't. You know, I'll tell you. I'll be honest with you, man. It's so dope. What's the channel? Is it on the Home Box Office? Home Box. You know, I'll tell you. I'll be honest with you, Ray.

Nobody said that since 71. No, it's on the American Broadcasting. Is it? The Tiffany Network? I'll be honest with you, Ray. My TV broke some time ago, and I haven't replaced it. That's all right. I don't watch a whole lot. I mostly watch

on the internet. Why is he Aruba? Why is he Aruba Ray? First of all, that's a little disrespectful. He has a chug of hot in Aruba. He is the most famous comedian in Aruba. He is. That's true, Ray. I don't want to brag, but it's true.

I believe it. Well, except for when other comedians come there. Then it's questionable, yeah. But I get that, and I fly first there, Ray. It's really something. Do you have a club there? There's a gig.

What happens, I started going there four years ago, and I love the island. Yeah. So I started doing a gig there just so I could spend more time there. That's really what it was, yeah. The place heals you. It heals. Of course. You come down, I'll give you a spot.

I love the island. Now, who wants to know the capitals of the islands? Yes. Because I know every capital. Really? Yeah. If it's a country. Tell me.

Say an island. Anguilla. Antigua. Antigua and Barbuda is St. John's. Damn. Okay. You guys don't know if I'm right or wrong. I know. I don't. I am. But I am. Barbados. Damn, okay. I know you guys don't know if I'm right or wrong. I know I don't.

I am, but I am. Barbados? Barbados is Bridgetown. Fuqua Island. That's not a country. I need a country. No, it's not. Really?

It's Bridgetown? Yeah. Barbados? Barbados. Bridgetown is the capital? How about Curacao? Who? Curacao.

Curacao. You heard what we said. Part of the ABC Islands. Curacao. Aruba Bon Air Curacao. But it's not, it has to be a country. It has to be recognized as a country by the United Nations. Oh, by the United Nations. Aruba, the capital is Iran.

Or by the website that I go to and memorize them all. By the Miss Universe organization. There you go. Ray, you're doing this. This is vinyl, Ray, I'm talking to. Yes. You're doing this to stave off Alzheimer's? Is that why you're doing this?

To train your mind. That's what I thought I was doing it for. But my doc, my shrink, told me it doesn't do that. That's kind of a myth that these mind games, crossword puzzles. Oh, they don't? There's not enough evidence. There's not enough evidence. But what he did tell me is

here's the only benefit. If you know all the capitals of every country, at least you know you don't have it now. You don't have Alzheimer's now. So that's enough. That's good enough. Ray, this might be a scoop. I don't know. But Ray is in therapy

apparently. Is he just elucidated? I've been in therapy since 18 years old. Does it help? I killed off one therapy. He passed away. Another one retired. And another one, he went away.

Ray seems reasonably adjusted. I guess you can't tell about folks, can you? You're Italian. Wait, Ray seems like reasonably adjusted. Of course, I guess you can't tell about folks, can you? You're Italian. I thought it was like, honestly, all my Jewish friends always had a shrink or a therapist. I thought that was a cultural thing. Everybody thinks it's money.

That's what I thought. When I tell my friends, I'm like, what do you need therapy? What do you need? Because I'm still a human? Yeah, because of money. No, but the reason I never thought you were in therapy, obviously money you need... Because I'm still a human? Yeah, because of money. The reason I never thought you were in therapy, obviously money doesn't solve problems. I thought you were in therapy. I would have guessed you were

in therapy had it been asked, had someone posed to me the question. Because you see, here's a guy that's been married to the same woman. You never read about him. That's why he's there. You never read about him banging chicken. You never read about Ray Romano in rehab. you never read about Ray Romano in rehab you never read about Ray Romano just on set

just saying having an affair so maybe that's it it's all inside you know but you seem like then again Howard Stern meets that same criteria and he's batshit crazy Howard Stern you always knew was nuts the way he was

he's a fucking narcissist insane person I have my vices what are your vices? well first of all my neuroses I'm kind of off the charts there as far as that goes

I don't talk about it or show it I talk about it a little bit I used to gamble a little too much I didn't want to bring it up but I heard that who'd you hear it from? talk about it or show it. I talk about it a little bit. I used to gamble a little too much. I heard that. Oh, really? That's hard. I didn't want to bring it up, but I heard that. I heard that.

Who did you hear it from? Before he decided. In the mic. Only in the mic. Go ahead. Before he made an episode on Everybody Loves Raymond about it. Oh, wow. About gambling?

No, I'm not of a certain age. No, I don't remember where I heard it, but somebody was. You had the one with the two checkbooks where everyone, but on the show it wasn't about gambling. It came from my real life. Oh, okay. I don't remember who told me. I just remember he was imitating you going, I got pocket aces here.

How much money would you spend on one thing or whatever? It's all relative. So when I had a problem, I lost all my money. I didn't have, thank God, it happened before I started making crazy money. Right. So it's all relative. You lost everything. The amount doesn't, yeah.

I kind of wiped out a bank account, you know, that I shouldn't have. Were you playing poker or betting on horses? Everything. I bet everything. I bet with a bookie. You know, when you bet with a bookie, you can get in trouble because all you have to do is make a phone call. You don't need the money up front. You know, you go bet with a bookie, you can get in trouble because all you have to do is make a phone call. Yeah. You don't need the money up front.

You know, you go to Vegas, you've got to put money up. Yeah. You go to poker, you've got to put money. And with a bookie, you call up, you say, hey, give me $500 on the Mets, and you don't have $500. Oh, that's – ooh. Yeah. I never understood – I mean, I know that it – I never understood why gambling is so addictive, but obviously it is.

Plus, it was the 80s, so the 70s, the Mets sucked then. So I... Now, I heard you lost a lot of money betting against the Globetrotters on the Generals. That was actually an episode of The Simpsons.

That was a good one. Where Krusty the Clown bet on the Generals because he thought they were due. That was a good one. Anyhow, I forget. Well, no, it's The Simpsons.

But money solves nothing. Here's my bit. Here's my line. Before I thought my cab driver hated me, and now I think my limo driver hates me. It's all the same. But, Ray, one thing it does get you is freedom to say, no, I don't want to do that. That's true. I mean, you don't have to go on a cruise ship.

Some of your compatriots. Aruba's a fucking great guy. You're missing out. Well, we'll get to Aruba later. But some of your colleagues, compatriots, are doing cruise ships right now. Yes. To make a living. Right.

So how is that related to what we're talking about? I'm saying you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. Yes, but what I'm telling you is. So that has to have some psychological value. That's not the answer to happiness. You're comfortable, but happiness is something different. Well, for me, that's profound. But if you had to...

I was happy. When I look back at the, as Neil Sedaka calls it, the hungry years. Yeah. I'm quoting, some of you guys don't even know. Sedaka. Sedaka. Yeah, calendar girl. Calendar girl. Yeah. The hungry quoting, some of you guys don't even know. Sadaka. Sadaka. Yeah, Calendar Girl. Calendar Girl.

Yeah. The Hungry Years. I miss the Hungry Years. I look back at those days sometimes with fondness. Yeah, like the drive and the thing.

And yet, when I was in it, yeah, it was like fucking, you know, But if right now, if right now you lost everything. Can we curse?

If right now, you can curse, right? If right now you lost everything. Yes. And somehow to go, like say, had to do cruise ships every week, my guess is you'd throw yourself overboard. I'm guessing. I've worked two cruise ships in my life.

The first time I didn't have enough material and I asked Jonathan Solomon if I could borrow material because I got booked on a cruise ship. He said he gave me 10 minutes. Has Jonathan ever called you up and said, hey look Ray, remember that solid I did for you on the cruise ship and he gave me he said he gave me 10 minutes Has Jonathan ever called you up and said hey look Ray remember that solid I did for you on the cruise ship? The second time

was one of the I quote this as one of the worst experiences they had a they had a dirty night you know

they had the regular me and another comic and they had the dirty show at like midnight and I didn't know so now I gotta be the dirty show

and I went on and it was't know so now I got to be the dirty show and it went on and it was horrible okay so then I'm walking back to my room later and you know how narrow the hallways are in a cruise ship and I hear from around the bend I hear a couple talking where do they get these guys I mean it's crazy we're paying this money and get these guys and I turn around and if you know we had to shimmy past each other like our faces looking at each other just like that you know and I just heard them trashing me. Well that's a disaster of a cruise ship

you're on the same ship as your audience the whole week yeah yeah you're bombing you end up in the conga line with them the only thing worse than bombing well they might either way you're fucked because if you kill then you can't go in the jacuzzi because then they want to talk to you you know so

so you said that drive stand-up-wise? You go, I need to come up with some new shit. Are you going to do a special? No, I'm not going to do a special. You're never doing it? Well, I did, but I don't have enough for that. But I still get the high from writing new stuff and coming up with stuff, but I'm just not grinding it out every day.

You don't have to. No, but when I worked here on vinyl, I was here for six months. I came here and I generated maybe a new ten minutes of material. It psychs you up, man. That's cool. It's good that you have that.

What's the secret to being a faithful husband for so many years? Seriously, that's incredible. Why are you asking this? It rhymes with Hey, what's the secret to being a faithful husband for so many years? Seriously, that's incredible. Amazing. Why are you asking? It's a great family. It rhymes with bastabation. Yeah, no, I just, you know, I mean, I don't know if there's a secret, man.

It's just... How long have you been married? 28 years. I think some people are just good at it. You know, some people, we all have different talents. Yes. You know, and some people are just good at it. You know, some people, we all have different talents. You know, and some people are talented. I wouldn't say talented, but some people are just more built for, I think.

Hardwired. I think more hardwired for it. I don't know. I mean, I think I'm as horny as the next guy. Right. I just think I've made a moral pact with myself. You know what I mean? Made a peace with that.

Yeah. That's awesome. I can't, you know, I'm not going to say, you know, biologically it's just natural to be attracted. What about that Taylor Swift if she came at you with everything she's got? Someone would have to. That little bitch. Believe me, I've tried to figure out. I've tried to figure out how it could happen and I'm not really in trouble. I haven't done anything wrong.

And it would have to be like, you know, I'm getting a massage. Who's this going out to? Stays in the building. Just in the building. Stays in the building. Yeah, closed circuit. It would have to be, I'm getting a massage, I get grabbed, and I'm like, hey, no, no. And before I can say protest, it happens.

Someone, a guy asked me this. You know, they have a thing with monkeys where they wire up their brain, right? And they can simulate an orgasm by pushing a button, right? Really? Right, right, yes. So is it cheating if you're a married man, if you wire yourself up, and you just have another woman push the button, is that considered cheating? No.

She pushes the button. No. No? That's not cheating. You haven't inserted anything? No. I've got to make a phone call. How about if another guy pushes a button on your wife?

What? If a guy pushes a button for your wife. A button, no. I'll give him a G-pad. He didn't stick nothing in. He didn't stick nothing in. Ray, thank you so much. You're too good to us.

Ray Romano. Ray is just working for it. I don't know why he sits down. Why he sits down and talks to us is anybody's guess, but we're glad that he does. God bless him, the nicest man in town in show business. Well, we have to wrap it up anyway. We got a leaner, too.

Ray Romano, you got to watch him on vinyl. And Andrew Dice Clay. It's too bad they killed Andrew off. Thanks for the spoiler. It's not a spoiler. You're not even watching this, so shut up. I would. Not anymore now. Oh, come on. We can just watch it.

We got to wrap it up. That was great. Did Michelle get to say anything? Well, no, in a little bit. I made fun of Godfrey a little bit. She just said, shut up, Godfrey. And then she was like, I'm at peace now. Nobody made fun of Ray Allen? Of course they did. Actually, if we do want

to cut out the whole first part of the show, we had a great thing here last week with Ray Allen when Amy Schumer confronted him. What? Because Amy Schumer heard. That wasn't exactly how it happened. Hold on. Amy is never nice to Ray.

Wow. For years. For years. And Ray, he says, like, she'll have a bottle of wine. She gives everybody a bottle of wine. She won't even give me a bottle of wine. And he's like, I don't know. And Ray says to me,

with perfect straight face, I don't know why. It was a joke. I don't know. It was not a joke. I don't know why she treats me that way. The only thing I can think of is that I never tried to bang her.

Okay. Wow. That's not how it was said. Wow, Uber Ray. That's not how it was said. We're sitting around. I think that's why she'd treat you nice. We're sitting around.

And then it got back to Amy. And Amy confronted him. I can't know him. You've mangled the story. Now you can try. That's not what happened. That's not what happened? Nice job, Noah.

That's exactly what happened. The story is she's never really been terribly nice to me, and I can't think of what the reason is. Oh, that's way different than what I just said. Go ahead. And a comic said to me, he goes, did you guys ever sleep together? I said, no, not at all. And then somebody else said, and then we were talking, and I said, ah, maybe that's the problem.

I never tried to bang her. And it was said in a joking way, just like that. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's exactly how it happened. No, no, no, no, no. And then what happened? A thousand percent how it happened. And then how did she come at you?

I want to know how she confronted you. That's the part that Noah mangled. What happened is, is Ray went over and said, Amy, just curiously, why aren't you nice to me? I said, what's the problem? Oh, I didn't hear that. By the way, the wine thing. That's after I told you, do not go over to her.

And I didn't. You did. He just said you did. Nah, I want to know the confrontation. I told Ray, under no circumstances, you walk over to Amy and ask her why she's not nice to you. But Nanaman said you just did.

No, no. We're sitting two feet apart from each other. And by the way, the wine thing was... Oh, it was two feet apart? I take it back. We're sitting with a bottle of wine. Yes. And she'll go, hey, Godfrey, you want some wine?

No, you want some wine? Michelle, you want some wine? Skip over to Ray. Dan, you want some wine? They get it. Did you go to Amy or did you not go to Amy? Colin Quinn brought up my name to her. We were all sitting there. And she kind of made

a face like, fuck Ray. And I turned and said, I don't know why you don't hate me. Why you hate me so much. That's after I told you to not say that to her. It was right in my face. It was out in the open. You have to deal with it. And we all know each other.

We're all friendly with each other. What happened? So she said to me, I don't know, maybe it's because you never tried to bang me. And I had to then say, explain the context of that.

And then that was it. She really did say that? Yeah. Maybe it's because you never tried to bang me. Yeah, meaning, that was her way of saying, I heard what you said about me.

Except Liz says that's not what she said. That's not what she said. Well, what she said is, come here, Liz. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. The second line was, she said, I don't hate you. I don't even think of you. Damn. And I said, ooh, I guess that's even worse. I kept it polite. I think she wants to bang you. Yeah, well.

But the remarkable thing is, I cannot pinpoint. Like, I wanted to know what the deal is because is there something that happened eight years ago that I don't know about? I'd like to know. Is it because maybe she's famous now and now she's shitting on people? No, no, no, no. She was never nice to him. Five years ago she was nice. And I can't think of any reason. I can't think of any reason at all. Sometimes people can't stand me.

They don't put you in any of their sketches. Would you bang her now? You're a dirty man. You don't get in any of their sketches. That's what sucks. But the remarkable thing is, I've never done anything I could think of, other than be polite. Or I never tried to bang her. Right, exactly.

I can tell you one thing. And by the way, she once told an audience that I had AIDS. I don't have AIDS, by the way. Really? Yeah, I don't have AIDS. But she told an audience. You were emceeing, and you came off stage, and she said, Ray Allen, everybody, he has AIDS. It was a joke, obviously.

It's a joke. It's a joke. The same way it was a joke. I don't know. Maybe I never tried to bang her. There's no difference. You're upsetting me now, and I'm ready to cut you off in all my...

Why? Because you were not... You brought up the subject. Because you were not kidding. About what? That you... I was 1,000% kidding. You know how I know it's not a joke?

Because Ray doesn't tell any jokes. Because Ray... Because Ray what? What? Because Ray doesn't tell any jokes. Because Ray doesn't tell any jokes. Maybe she just decided not to like me. I'm a reasonably nice person. Ray banged my nanny. Ray bangs everybody. He couldn't bang Amy. You set that up.

I just met you. This is real, huh? Yeah, it's real. He banged my nanny. And you know where my nanny is now? I don't know. She ghosted us. We haven't been able to find her in six months. I didn't do anything. Yeah, it's real. He banged my nanny. And you know where my nanny is now? I don't know. She ghosted us. We haven't been able to find her in six months.

I didn't do anything. Ray, man. Ray. I don't think it was my... She's off in Aruba having raised a baby. We dated for ten months. Amazing. Man, oh, man.

Aruba Ray. I get a bad rap for no reason. Yes, yes, for no reason. I did think that that comment, Michelle, albeit extremely clever and well executed, was a little bit harsh. Yeah. Dan, you're such a pussy. Well, Ray wouldn't be emceeing here if he didn't have jokes. This is live, right?

Thank you, Dan. Is this live? No, this is not live. This week in Denver Improv, Thursday through Sunday, and then next week will be Houston Improv. Go see Godfrey. All right. It'll be Houston Improv. No, actually, June 9th through the week will be Houston Improv. Go see Godfrey. All right. It'll be Houston Improv. No, actually, June 9th through the 12th is Houston Improv.

And, you know, Denver Improv this week, Thursday through Sunday. Hey. You're going to be in the Caribbean June 12th to July 21st. ArubaComedy.com. Come see and say hello. Arubaree. And Dan will be there, too. I will tell you, those shows are excellent in Aruba. Thank you. I love Esty's faces, man. Thank you,. And Dan will be there too. I will be there. Those shows are excellent.

Thank you. I love Esty's faces, man. Thank you, Don. Go ahead. He just does it.