The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Comedy Sex God

Episode Date: May 17, 2019

Pete Holmes and Keith Robinson...

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the podcast of the Comedy Cellar, coming to you on SiriusXM Radio 99. Ruddug. And, of course, Noam is not here, because that's why I'm doing the introduction. I don't know why he is not here because that's why I'm doing the introduction. I don't know why he's not here, but he's not. I take it as a personal offense.
Starting point is 00:00:52 Is he on his way? No, he's not on his way. Well, he's on his way, but not here. I think he's on his way to Mila's piano recital or something. I don't know. But he's not here. He's going to choose his daughter's piano recital? I don't know what he has, but he's not here. We have with us... He's going to choose his daughter's piano recital. I don't know what he has but he's not here.
Starting point is 00:01:07 But who we do have here is a fairly impressive array of guests. Keith Robinson! Periel. Well, let me take this. Let's do this systematically, Peter. We have Periel Ashenbrand,
Starting point is 00:01:20 our new producer. Hi. And Keith Robinson. Absolutely. A regular at the Comedy Cellar, writer, performer, and he also has a special called Back of the Bus Funny.
Starting point is 00:01:34 Back of the Bus Funny. Three girls, one Keith. That's a podcast with Amy Schumer. That's on there. That's on there. That's on there. How good was that third host, the third girl that ruined the name for you? You're damn right.
Starting point is 00:01:49 Right? Yes. That person owes you a debt. It could have been a perfect name, but you had to have Rachel Feinstein on there. You're damn right. Is that who it is? I don't like it. Three girls and one Keith.
Starting point is 00:01:58 It'd be two girls and one Keith. That voice you hear is that of Mr. Pete Holmes. A special guest. I say special because he's not here very often. Keith is here a lot. We'd love to have him, because he's not here very often. Keith is here a lot. We'd love to have him, but he's not. You don't have to explain everything like that. Just go.
Starting point is 00:02:10 Why take me down to build him up? Well, I'm not taking you down. I'm saying we're happy to have Pete because we never see him. That's true. I haven't been here since probably the three of us were shooting here. You've been living in Los Angeles. Living in L.A. where I live. Yeah, we were talking about that.
Starting point is 00:02:25 Now, this is the first time I've seen you since the end of the cancellation of the... The end of the cancellation means we weren't canceled. Well, no, I'm just... The ongoing cancellation. Our cancellation was renewed for another cancellation. The point is, Crashing is... Over. Over. It's crashed. The third is, Crashing is over. It's crashed. The third season was the last season.
Starting point is 00:02:48 Final. How did you feel about that when you heard the news, Pete Holm? It was a mixed bag. I mean, coming back here stirs up those emotions, because I can't drive around this neighborhood. We passed Minetta's, and I was like, that's where Bill Burr
Starting point is 00:03:04 and Artie and I ate the steaks. They were fake steaks, but we were eating steaks and did that scene. And we passed the Fat Black Pussycat and go, oh, that's where Artie and I had our big fight. And then I come here to the cellar and go, that's where Madeline and I we had our big breakup and she stumbled
Starting point is 00:03:20 into the street. And then I come in the club and I'm like, oh, this is the table where I was talking with Natterman and Feinstein and there's fucking Keith and downstairs obviously, upstairs, this is like our set it's crazy, so this is like a reunion for me with locations and people and that
Starting point is 00:03:35 makes me miss it but I've said a couple times where the show is about making friends with change and whether it be a divorce or a loss or a blown audition or a bad set. So a show being canceled is, in my real life, that's a change. And the message of the show
Starting point is 00:03:51 is you roll with those changes. You go with the flow. So that's what I'm doing. Keith and I both were a little bit rattled. I don't want to speak for Keith. I didn't like it. I'll speak for myself. Okay. I really didn't like it. The thing was canceled. I know we never to speak for Keith I'll speak for myself I really didn't like it
Starting point is 00:04:06 The thing was cancelled We never got the great Keith episode It was getting some juice I was getting a little juice off that third season Yeah baby People would call me from Australia That place, that place I loved it, LA
Starting point is 00:04:21 I'm like yeah, yeah Wait till the fourth season. Well, yeah, I was getting a little bit, you know, bigger roles with each season. First season I had maybe one episode. Second season, two or three. Third season, four. I was looking forward to the fourth season. I thought that this would be a break up.
Starting point is 00:04:42 Well, I don't want to rub it in, but you know Judd you, and I love you, and the same for you, Keith, obviously. Keith does love me as well. I mean, Keith and Trainwreck, come on. This is a Jed Apatow. He's in the stable. I'm in. And we always had episodes. We only got to do eight a season, which was really hard for us,
Starting point is 00:04:59 and would always have episodes up on the board for different ideas. We'd kick it around. What would it be like if Pete? I hope this doesn't make it worse, but we're like, what if Pete lived with Natterman? What is Natterman's life like? What if Pete goes on a trip with Keith? We had this whole Black Circuit thing, the Chitlin thing, and it was like Pete goes and he has to, we had the episode broken.
Starting point is 00:05:23 He's got to learn how to be himself instead of pander. A lot of white guys go to the black circuit, they're like, what's up, y'all? And it's like, no, be you. They want you to be you, be yourself, be your funny self. It's funny because it's like, think about that black circuit. A lot of black comics pander to the black circuit. Of course, yeah, to the white circuit. To the black circuit and the white circuit.
Starting point is 00:05:43 You go back and forth. When I first started, I did nothing but the white circuit. Yeah, to the white circuit. To the black circuit and the white circuit. Oh, to the black circuit, okay. You know, you go back and forth. When I first started, I did nothing but the white circuit. And I go back to the neighborhood. My whole lingo had changed. So I go up to my buddies in the hood. They hood dudes, straight hood dudes. I'm like, hey, how you guys doing? How you guys doing?
Starting point is 00:05:59 What are you, Potsy? What the fuck is wrong with you? So, you know, you have to adjust. It's like that great Bill Burr bit. I performed once or twice, well, maybe three or four times in all black settings. Yeah. I must say, it's not my favorite thing to do. I'm not just saying this.
Starting point is 00:06:17 I think I can't imagine a crowd that wouldn't just immediately get you. You're one of the most gettable guys because you're just you. You've got to not have that fear of the crowd. Yeah, that's right. That's the main thing. You can't look, when that crowd sniff out that you got some fear of them,
Starting point is 00:06:32 then you're going to get them. Maybe I was over, also I was overthinking it because I thought everything I said could potentially be perceived as racist. Right. You know, like you say, so who here is married?
Starting point is 00:06:41 Oh, black people can't be married? Right, right, right, right. I understand. Well, you get in your head. I think that's what Pete would have done. Pete on the show. And he would have tried to have been like pandering when, so Bill
Starting point is 00:06:53 really kind of cut his teeth in the black circuit and he said to me once, he was like Bill Burr. He was like, you gotta remember, like when you have a comedy show, 10 comics, and there's one black guy or one black woman, that that's special. That that's like unique and it's like, oh good, here's like a different perspective. He was like, it's the same
Starting point is 00:07:10 thing when you're the only white guy on a show. Oh, here's something new. And you gotta go with that energy instead of like, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm different. I'd prefer to avoid it if possible. That's the thing, you can avoid black crowds. You can go do what you do and never have to do a black crowd.
Starting point is 00:07:26 I can't avoid white crowds. I got to do a white crowd because that's what it is for me. Your reality is you don't have to do no. Like Burr used a black crowd like Fox used with the black shows in the 90s. Martin and all. Remember all the black shows that built Fox up? That's how Bur'm far dead. Well, but I feel that a white crowd
Starting point is 00:07:49 is more receptive to a black comedian than a black crowd in general would be to a white comedian. That's where you're wrong at. Funny is funny. But it's your mindset. There is a confidence. And your confidence is down.
Starting point is 00:08:04 In Def Jam, even the way comics are dressing up and obviously I think of Bernie Mac, the great Bernie Mac with the I ain't scared of you motherfuckers is like the essence of every comedian. Somewhere in there needs to be a Bernie Mac that's like I ain't scared of you motherfuckers. Because that's what the thing is.
Starting point is 00:08:21 That's right. I was actually there when Bernie did that. You were? Yes, I was there. Dude, that should be your credit. Sex guy was there. I was there. Of course I was there.
Starting point is 00:08:32 That's big. We all did Def Jam. I did Def Jam and everybody did Def Jam. But if you have that confidence and the audience is picking up like, oh, he ain't trying to be nobody but himself. And that's where you win. And that's why I like that. Black clubs, black crowds will price check you.
Starting point is 00:08:54 Like, boom! No good. What do you think a black crowd, correct me if I'm wrong, not that you're the authority, but I feel like you are one of the authorities. Relatively authority. You're the most authoritative at the table. Seinfeld, Black Room, good.
Starting point is 00:09:10 Seinfeld would be good because Seinfeld would be Seinfeld. He's him. He's going to be him. Larry David. Look at the black community loves Larry David because he's being legit. He's being real. He's being legit. I do think white people are missing out. I spent about two days with Lunel following her around and interviewing her.
Starting point is 00:09:29 And I went to a show in Brooklyn. And there were about, I mean, easily 2,000 people in the crowd. And I was literally the only white person there. Wow. And it was shocking. I mean, this was like. Yeah, I mean, it was. Why is that happening? It was insane.
Starting point is 00:09:46 I think it goes both ways, too. Because a lot of the comics that are on an all-black circuit, they come to a white room and they fall apart. Because they have that same fear. They're not authentic. That's the Bill Burr bit where he's like,
Starting point is 00:10:02 I feel like I have to act a certain way in black neighborhoods, but you know it goes the other way. You know this bit where he's like, I feel like I have to act a certain way in black neighborhoods. But you know it goes the other way. You know this bit where he's like where a black guy is going to pick up his girlfriend in the white neighborhood. You know, he starts low in the seat. But as he gets closer and closer to his house, he's raising the seat up a little bit. It's really funny. I can't do it like Bill. But that's what it is.
Starting point is 00:10:20 But, like, we all morph out of fear. Out of fear of whatever you, you know. But the greats don't. When you find yourself, that's the thing of finding yourself on stage. You're like, I don't give a damn who it is. If you like me, you like me. If you don't, you don't. And that's what Keith would have told Pete in season four.
Starting point is 00:10:37 Here it is, the radio play version. Now, in Crashing, as people that have seen the show know, you use a lot of comedians, a lot of people from the comedy seller world. How do you think it would have worked had you hired actors to play us? Better. I'm just kidding. He may be right. Hold on.
Starting point is 00:11:03 No, I don't think better. You know, Joe Rogan was just saying, why wasn't there a show with all comedians, right? And I thought about that. I was like, one is availability. It's really hard. Like, if we wanted to book a comedian in every little part, you can't get Bo Burnham to come in to New York City for one day for $350.
Starting point is 00:11:22 This is just not going to happen. So that's difficult. You can't get maybe local people, smaller people. The trick is... You're saying you can't get a Dan Abnett and a Keith Robinson. That's what I'm saying. For $350. No, you guys, I hope your rate was better.
Starting point is 00:11:34 If it was $350, let me talk to your agents. That was a bad deal. But the idea that all comedians is good, but I think about Madeline. You guys worked with Madeline. Sure. Tall girl. Blonde. Tall blonde. Kill Bill. Madeline Wise. She was so good, I believe maybe like, maybe Maria Bamford could have done
Starting point is 00:11:53 that. You know what I mean? Played that in her own way. But you can't get Maria Bamford. You gotta get these actors. And I sort of like the energy when it's actors working with comedians. It's nice to have that diversity. She was great, Madeline. She was amazing. She was my example of like, oh, fuck. I was working with comedians. It's nice to have that diversity. She was great, Madeline. She was amazing. She was amazing. She was my example of like, oh, fuck.
Starting point is 00:12:08 I was working with so many comedians that we were sort of, I don't want to say teaching to act, but like working with new actors. Here's an example, who would not mind me saying so, Esty has not acted. Esty, just to be clear,
Starting point is 00:12:22 she's the person that books the room here, and she played herself in Crash. And she was wonderful and I love that experience and then it's a different experience when you're doing a very dramatic scene and somebody has to cry and somebody has to pretend to be drunk. Somebody has to do nine takes and it's two in the morning. That's when it's like, oh wow.
Starting point is 00:12:38 That's when the actors come in. But I was watching that going like, I'm not doing this. Whatever she's doing, that's what I'm trying to do. Right. They're like real, legit things. But one thing... So a blend is good.
Starting point is 00:12:49 Comedians are good for it. By nature, a Judd Apatow joint uses a lot of improv. I don't know if he does that with everything he does, but I assume he does. No, when Madeline was funny, when her character was funny,
Starting point is 00:13:00 it worked because she was funny. And I say, I think she was very funny, but she was funny in a way that our people aren't. We're kind of funny in a more fucked up way. In a different way. It's a little bit more honed, a little bit more fucked up, really. I love seeing good acting because I know I'm nowhere near that.
Starting point is 00:13:17 When I see a good act, I'm like, oh, wow. And it makes you better. Yes, you go. It makes you better. Because I did something in 94 with Don Cheadle. Yeah. A movie called Rebound. And just watching this guy, I'm like, eh.
Starting point is 00:13:29 That's not what we do. Yeah, yeah. It checks you. You go like, that's why I'm always hesitant. People are like, oh, he's a comedian, an actor. I'm like, I'm a comedian who acts. I like acting. We all like acting.
Starting point is 00:13:40 It's fun. But you really can feel the comedy on them. Yeah, you can feel the comedy on there. You can feel the comedy on it. You can tell who's a comic or maybe because I know. I think that depends on the role. A lot of roles, we do a fine job.
Starting point is 00:13:56 Oh, I'm not saying we're bad. It's just different. Burr is a great actor. Bill Burr on Breaking Bad. I wasn't like, here's a comic. We're bad compared to real... We you see a real actor. We're catching up. Believe me. Denzel's walk is better than anything I've ever done.
Starting point is 00:14:15 Denzel's walk. Interesting actors are interesting people. That's what David Mamet said. He said, you would watch Al Pacino eat a sandwich. You'd just be mesmerized. But here's what actors can't do, and I stand by this. They have a very hard time doing stand-up, looking like they're stand-ups.
Starting point is 00:14:31 Just mic technique, just the way they take the stage, just the way they look at the audience. You're going to have to do a real in-depth method, Dustin Hoffman, Lenny style character study if you're going to do it properly. And so when I see shows when actors are pretending
Starting point is 00:14:46 to be stand-ups, you like Punchline. We always use Punchline as the example where Tom Hanks and Sally Field are pretending to be stand-ups. You're like,
Starting point is 00:14:53 these are actors. Yes. The way they pause, the way they do it, they don't add anything. They don't know to riff. Right, right, right. If the line didn't work,
Starting point is 00:15:00 add something that works. Find it. As I was saying about comics, about improv-ing, which is what a lot of crashing was. It wasn't script. I mean, they would give you a script, you know. Well, you had to run downstairs and you were like, where's the script?
Starting point is 00:15:12 I was like, there's no script. Well, you give me a script. It would say, you know, the comics get together. And you'd have lines for us. But you'd say, but yeah, forget about the script. Yeah. And sometimes, Judd, can I reveal this trade secret? He would stand in the back of the room and yell out lines.
Starting point is 00:15:23 Yeah, yeah. He'd say, Dan, try saying, shut up, idiot. Or sometimes I would do it in the scene. I'd go like, now call me fat. And then we'd just try a bunch of different things and it would be cut up and stitched together and you wouldn't know. That's because comics can do that. We're not like, don't interrupt my process. We're like, yeah, I can do that. We're not precious about the craft. We're not like, don't interrupt my process. We're like, yeah, I can say that.
Starting point is 00:15:46 Rachel Brosnahan talked about that when they asked her, were you real on the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? Like, were you really doing stand-up? And she was like, oh my God, no. Like, I would never really do stand-up. That was all written for me. I'd like to point out, I haven't seen much of that show. So I'm not like shots fired to Marvelous.
Starting point is 00:16:06 Which I always considered our sister's show. It just did so much better. People seem to like it. I haven't seen that either. I loved Crashing. I thought it was phenomenal. I was really upset. I wanted an alliance with Miss Maisel. I wanted a Time Machine crossover. Yeah, because remember, like, Lonnie Anderson would go on
Starting point is 00:16:21 the Love Boat, and then she would go on Fantasy Island afterward. And that could have been... She could have found a time machine. Time machine, what have you. Oh, nice time machine. She's given a drink ticket that teleported her to the subway. I'm not worried for you, Pete. I'm worried for Dan Natterman, because I had health insurance as a result of crashing.
Starting point is 00:16:36 I've been in the Screen Actors Guild for 17 years, never got health insurance. Oh. But with crashing... Yeah, you went and got that physical. I got health insurance. Well, no, but I have a physical coming up. So hopefully all will check out. Well, I mean, not to be sentimental,
Starting point is 00:16:50 but I think Judd and I agreed that the best thing about it was finding a way to represent the community. Because we really are a species. I'm not trying to be sappy. We're a species. The show is about how comedians help each other. Sometimes people call bullshit on that. They're like, comics donians help each other. Sometimes people call bullshit on that.
Starting point is 00:17:05 They're like, comics don't help each other. I was like, get new friends. If your friends aren't helping you, get new friends. Comics is like, you know, some comics are in trouble financially. Put something up right away and it's taken care of. Well, I'll tell you this about comics. As soon as somebody is sick or dying or dead. You've got to be sick or dying.
Starting point is 00:17:27 Merely a shitty apartment's not enough. Well, that's all right then. Why would it be? Well, all right, I'm just saying. Or like no health insurance is not enough. But if you're dying, comics are right there, Johnny on the spot, and money will be raised. That's pretty true. That's fine.
Starting point is 00:17:40 Not so much dying, I mean. But in trouble. If you were in trouble, I feel like people would at least do a benefit show. I mean... Or in trouble. If you were in trouble, I feel like people would at least do a benefit show. We did an episode about that. If I were in trouble? I mean, if you were going to be evicted,
Starting point is 00:17:52 how hard would it be to do the Village Underground Dan's going to be evicted? Do it at 6 o'clock. Who fucking cares? You fill it out. But how many people admit to being evicted?
Starting point is 00:18:02 Yeah. Like, I got evicted from my place in like 1990. You did? Big sticker on the door. And you know one of those stickers that you can't spray. Yeah, you can't come off. No matter what somebody knew, I was being evicted. They do those on the window of your car if you park in a street cleaner.
Starting point is 00:18:20 Well, you could put a poster over it. That's true. Very shawshank. That's the poster of Rock Cal Welch. Very shawshank. Now, Pete, but I say I'm not worried about you because I know you got shit cooking. Well, that's very kind of you. First of all, you rolled in today with a publicist and your manager.
Starting point is 00:18:34 Now, this is a power move. You're trying to intimidate me, and it worked. Pete is rolling in dough. Let's just say this. He's rolling in dough. I know Dave Rad. That's your manager. He's here today. He would have dropped you like a hot potato if nothing
Starting point is 00:18:47 was going on. He'd love to. He would love to kick me to the curb. So I know you got shit cooking. So the question is, what's cooking? Well, you know, I don't say that this sounds like a line, but the book that I just wrote, Comedy Sex God, is what would have happened in the fourth and fifth seasons of
Starting point is 00:19:03 Crashing. People are like, well, what happened next in the character? I'm like, well, it would have been about my talk show, which I cover in the book. It would have been about meeting my wife, which I cover in the book. It would have been about getting married, having a baby, all these things. So if you're curious, literally the next phase of my life is picked up
Starting point is 00:19:20 in the narrative of the book. Okay, so you won't get Keith Robinson and Dan Natterman. Yeah, you don't have the cameos. But even if I had written you guys in, you wouldn't have been paid. Was I a cameo? Because some people said to me...
Starting point is 00:19:33 Oh, you're not a cameo. You were a series regular. Somebody in my building said to me, hey, I enjoyed your cameo on Crashing. I think that's just layman's speak. I almost said to him, get the fuck out of here. I'm an actor. Jeff Ross did a cameo. But I didn't want to sound like Sour Grapes. to him, get the fuck out of here. I'm an actor. Jeff Ross did a cameo.
Starting point is 00:19:46 But I didn't want to sound like Sour Grapes. Season one, Jeff Ross did a cameo. When you just walk by and go like, leave him alone, Greer. I think he's straight. That's a cameo. Right. Like he wasn't even in the script. Later, Jeff Ross came back.
Starting point is 00:19:58 But you guys were not cameos. You were series regulars. Yes. But I didn't want to hit the guy because he lives in my building and it would have been awkward every time I said that. He might be listening now. I just said thank you in a regulars. Yes. But I didn't want to hit the guy because he lives in my building and it would have been awkward every time I said that. He might be listening now. I just said thank you in a harsh tone.
Starting point is 00:20:09 That's right. Well, that's the right... He didn't know. He didn't know. Yeah, these people don't know. Well, so... My dad calls Judd Apatow Jeff Apapa.
Starting point is 00:20:17 You know what I mean? Like, we can't expect these people to understand what we do. Well, I do try to take that into account. So your book is called... How big of a deal is that, Jeff Apapa? Like, I do try to take that into account. So your book is called... How big of a
Starting point is 00:20:26 deal is that, Jeff Appapa? I'm like, I don't know, Dad. He's like Carly Sprinsky. I don't know what to say. What else beside the book? Anything or just right now the book? The book is enough, by the way. I'm not trying to minimize it. No, I understand. It's a loving thing to want to know what people are up to. I'm trying to take some
Starting point is 00:20:41 downtime. Crashing was four years for me. The pilot and then three seasons was four years and it was non-stop, as you to. I'm trying to take some down time. Crashing was four years for me. The pilot and then three seasons was four years and it was non-stop as you remember. I mean, how many nights
Starting point is 00:20:50 did we have here? Oh, you worked like a dog. There were 14 hour days. What you had to do, I think that work thing of trying to do, when you're acting and all that,
Starting point is 00:21:00 because it's like, all right, now this, now that angle. Well, you saw it. Oh, it was exhausting. When we were in a now that angle. Well, you saw it. Oh, it was exhausting. When we were in a scene,
Starting point is 00:21:07 I was acting with you and I was thinking, are we getting the plot point? Are we tracking the attitude? That thing is hard. It was a lot. It was very exhausting and one day I had diarrhea.
Starting point is 00:21:19 That was season two. We don't need to know that. Thank you, You know the one where I'm at the box? Yeah, you had diarrhea? Well, what you didn't know is between scenes, I was downstairs.
Starting point is 00:21:29 Emptying your box. I damn near broke my ankle. Oh, and that was like the bad luck episode. Oh, I remember, yeah. Somebody had like that tiki from the Brady Bunch on. Yeah, I didn't like that day. Somebody said, did you trip or something? Right, Keith got injured and had to be, I guess, cut out of the whole thing.
Starting point is 00:21:47 Didn't like it. Yeah, no, it was a lot. So I'm trying to, this sounds, you know, a little woo-woo, but I'm trying to balance all that doing with some non-doing. I'm going back to what I was doing. Doing is what I was doing on season two at the box. Ah! That was a play on words.
Starting point is 00:22:02 You were pooing. You know, for 15 years, I was a comedian before Crash. I live the lifestyle that you guys are enjoying. You do spots, you write, you're trying to put together an hour. I'm doing that again. I'm doing a little bit of writing. I'm actually writing a couple episodes of The Simpsons, which is a dream come true.
Starting point is 00:22:17 Wow, that's a big deal. Yeah, I'm really excited about that. They're on season 53. They're on season 53. They like to, yeah, it's still on is what people, I see Megan Amram posted. She's like, yes, it's still on. My episode on season 53. They like to... It's still on is what people... I see Megan Amram post. She's like, yes, it's still on. My episode airs tonight. I've actually been watching the new seasons
Starting point is 00:22:31 and they're great. So I'm writing a couple episodes of that and I'm trying to develop a couple things. Judd Apatow was here about a month ago and he said, yeah, I'm in town. Me and Pete are writing a movie and I thought he meant you. But he meant Pete Diggs.
Starting point is 00:22:46 How dare he go to the other white Pete? I'm not Pete. How dare he? You know what? The other Pete's not that white. Pete, you're a whiter Pete. Oh, no, he's definitely not as, I just meant color. Yeah, Pete.
Starting point is 00:22:59 We don't even know what to describe Pete as. What is it? He maybe got some, I don't know. what to describe Pete as. What is it? He maybe got some... I suspect he has, and I don't know if he's done 23andMe, but I suspect he has some African American. I would imagine. He's Italian. He's like an Italian kid from Staten Island.
Starting point is 00:23:17 Okay. Well, I don't know. You go to ethnocelebs.com, which is the final authority on the ethnicity of celebrities. I'll head right over there. It says that he's Jewish and Italian and Irish, but I believe... which is the final authority on the ethnicity of celebrities. I'll head right over there. It says that he's Jewish and Italian and Irish, but I believe... You're saying he's got some swagger, is what you're saying. He's got a tinge of hip-hop in him.
Starting point is 00:23:33 He's got some hip-hop in him. I saw him do his head at Largo. He's wearing a hood the whole time. I was like, that is something this Pete would never do. This Pete is trying to let you see that golden retriever face. So anyway, you and Judd don't plan to collaborate on anything? No, I love Judd to death. I'm not just saying this.
Starting point is 00:23:51 We're friends. He texted me this morning. He saw my Colbert last night. And we miss each other. It's romantic. You know what's funny? I miss seeing Judd all the time. I gave him a mouse pad with a photo of me and him sitting in this club.
Starting point is 00:24:05 I was like, don't forget me. It was romantic. I was like, bye. Four years. I talked to the guy every day for four years. Wouldn't a better podcast thing be that you and Jed are feuding? I can't stand that guy. That would be good.
Starting point is 00:24:20 We'd get some nice spicy. That would be clickbait. Pete Holmes dishes on Apple Channel. That would be clickbait. Pete Holmes dishes on Appetite. We didn't have one... That's the title of this episode. We didn't have one disagreement the whole time. Every once in a while, we'd have a courteous disagreement, but he was always right.
Starting point is 00:24:36 And I'm not just saying that. He was always right. If he was like, it should be this, not this. But when you're working with fucking Babe Ruth, speaking of Pete Davidson, who kind of looks like Babe Ruth, speaking of Babe Ruth, you can trust him. You're like, okay, you're the slugger.
Starting point is 00:24:50 I'm just on the bench. And it really was his show. You guys know that. People are like, I love your show. I was like, yeah, you love our show. I was involved. I wrote the episodes, but every scene was something that Judd was like,
Starting point is 00:25:02 or he'd change it, would be shooting a scene out front. And I was like, I wrote this like romantic scene between Pete and Allie and Judd was that Judd was like, or he'd change it, would be shooting a scene out front. And I was like, I wrote this like romantic scene between Pete and Allie and Judd was there and he was like, I think you guys should fight. You guys should fight. And I was like, what?
Starting point is 00:25:13 And we do it. And he was right. It was better. It's not a terrible Apatow impression. It's actually reasonable. I did. Nobody does Apatow impression. I was thinking that maybe we could do a movie,
Starting point is 00:25:22 but I'm doing something with Pete Davidson right now. That's pretty good, Judd. That's not bad. Not bad. Judd, if you hear this, I'm deeply sorry. I am going to switch gears a little bit. On this show, as you may not know, we're a trans genre, we call ourselves. That means we talk about comedy.
Starting point is 00:25:38 We also talk about political stuff. Now, Noam gets very, very deep into the political stuff. I don't. Okay, but he's not here here and we're still doing it. Right, and then when he's not here, you complain that we're not doing the political stuff. There is a topic that I think is worth discussing.
Starting point is 00:25:54 I think it's quite interesting. And I think everybody has an opinion on it. I want to talk about, what is it, Alabama? Alabama and abortion more generally and more particularly Alyssa Milano's call for a sex strike. Now, you're aware that Alyssa Milano, the actress from Who's the Boss and other things, Commando, etc., has said that women should not have sex until women get their reproductive rights.
Starting point is 00:26:25 That's not a bad idea. Well, she's got to coordinate with prostitutes. Because that's where it's all coming from. Well, Uber, you know, took a few days off. Well, my feeling... What does Uber have to do with it? I don't know. I'm just saying things that we do, driving,
Starting point is 00:26:44 that are for pay, you can still take a strike. I mean, you're going to have to coordinate with some men with large purple hats. It's a little Pimps and Hoes humor. Yes. And noted. Noted. Thank you for a Dan Natterman laugh. Noted.
Starting point is 00:27:00 But what about this? What about this? Women, first of all, many women are against abortion. So even if all the women that wanted to strike, that's only probably half the women out there. The other half of the women are not going to strike because they think abortion is wrong. Is that number accurate? Well, whatever it is. Well, I think it's relevant, whatever that number is.
Starting point is 00:27:22 It's a high number. A lot of women are pro-life. No, no, no, no, no. You can still be against abortion, but for women's choice. Thank you, Keith. You can still be. But what I'm saying is. You mean you can be personally pro-life?
Starting point is 00:27:36 Yeah, you can be pro-life for your child. I don't know. That's asking a pretty evolved consciousness. There's a lot of women. And there are women, of course, in that category. A lot of women that are pro-life and they think that the law should be no abortion. And the men that are passing these laws, my guess is they're sexual partners. The women that would strike.
Starting point is 00:27:54 I know what you're saying. The women that would strike, their sexual partners are pro-choice anyway. It's not like these congresspeople that are voting pro-life are married to these women that are like. Are married to pro-life. Are married to these women that are like... Yeah, I mean, it's like 85% of these people in Alabama are like straight white fucking men. It was 25 who voted. It was 25
Starting point is 00:28:14 white men. Old, dusty white men. That's exactly right. Old and dusty they might be. However, the electorate in Alabama is... The women are just as pro-life as the men. However, the electorate in Alabama is divided. The women are just as pro-life as the men. According to the polls
Starting point is 00:28:29 that I've looked at. I don't know about that. Show me some evidence. I don't think that's far-fetched what you're saying. We live in New York. I live in LA. People that live in
Starting point is 00:28:44 metropolises, blue states, blue cities at least, these are going to be a lot of pro-life people, I mean pro-choice people. A lot of the country is pro-life. I don't know the numbers, but there are a lot of pro-life women. And just as many women are pro-life as men. So what you're saying, it's a very simple point he's saying.
Starting point is 00:28:59 Even if it's only 500,000 pro-life women, which is low, the strike won't work because they're not going to do it. They're not going to do it. And the men that are... Is what you're saying. And the legislator that are...
Starting point is 00:29:12 It's not going to work anyway. Isn't her point, though, I would wager, no, this is a reasonable person. She doesn't necessarily think it's going to happen. What she's doing is what's happening. Here we are talking about women's reproductive rights because somebody said something kind of salacious and interesting. They got
Starting point is 00:29:29 people talking about it again, hopefully in a positive way. The whole thing is fucking garbage, frankly. I mean, they're talking about giving doctors 99 years in jail for performing abortions.
Starting point is 00:29:45 They're talking about criminalizing women for going out of state for having an abortion. I mean, it's psychotic. They're going back in time. None of this is... Yeah, it's insane. Stop it. None of this is valid under Roe v. Wade, but I guess the Supreme Court might overturn Roe v. Wade. Because, what's his name?
Starting point is 00:30:10 Trump? No. Yeah, Trump, basically. But what's his name? Kavanaugh. Kavanaugh. Well, we'll see what the Supreme Court does. I think it's a little early to start panicking.
Starting point is 00:30:23 They need five votes. And they have them. They have them? Yes, they got five, it's five, five, four. Really. Five conservatives
Starting point is 00:30:33 and five... Well, but we don't know that just because they're conservative judges that they're going to vote to overturn Roe. Now, Pete, you come from
Starting point is 00:30:40 a religious milieu. Milieu. Now, but you're no longer religious. You've turned your back on God. How dare you? I think you should read my book. I'm a spiritual person.
Starting point is 00:30:51 If you're wondering if I'm pro-choice, yes, of course I'm pro-choice. I believe in people's right to do with their body. Like, who has that? Oh, unfortunately, it's Louis. I understand that that's a hot-button issue as well. Well, that bugs me, too. Like, you can shoot somebody that's in your house.
Starting point is 00:31:05 Y'all want to get into that, I'll get into it, goddammit. No. But he has the bit about you can shoot somebody that's in your house. Imagine if somebody was in your body. It's a shocking way to sort of make an interesting point. But yeah, of course, I believe in a woman's right to choose. But do you believe in it in absolute terms, like say we're at the eighth month and the baby is fully formed? Would you believe in it then?
Starting point is 00:31:32 I don't see any benefit in commenting on this. Okay, fair enough. We always wander down this dark alley when we talk about women's rights. Yeah, that's what I don't like. Let's go with what actually is happening with this law. Six weeks. In Alabama, this is a six-week law. But the little guys in Alabama, all the white guys
Starting point is 00:31:53 in Alabama, it's like, yeah. Even if you're raped, if you're raped, they say, well, you still got, because every life is precious, you still got to keep the baby. And they give the rapist parental rights, by the way, historically. There was just a case, somebody raped a 12, this was just a couple of years ago, to be fair,
Starting point is 00:32:10 but somebody raped a 12-year-old girl, and then nine years later, he petitioned for paternal rights and got it. So that's fun. Right. But it's six weeks, you don't even know if you're pregnant, usually. I would just say this. Because we are a comedy podcast, we do do politics.
Starting point is 00:32:28 We always try to relate it, if we can, to the world of comedy. This would be a positive thing for the comedy seller because, you know, if Roe v. Wade is overturned, New York will always have abortions. People come here for abortions. They say, why not take in a comedy show while we're here? Wow. You are a dark sob right right after right after they hit Planned Parenthood you think they're gonna pop over here well it could only help I mean they're here in town anyway and I mean worst case scenario is they don't take in a show because they're gonna they're gonna go to jail is the point no not if
Starting point is 00:33:03 they come here where it's perfectly legal. So most of the people who, by the way, are not going to have access are women who do not have financial means. Well, they wouldn't have come to the show anyway. They can't afford the cover charge. I'm trying to put a positive spin on it. It's not a positive spin. It's just horseshit. I really think this is horseshit. I love you, Keith.
Starting point is 00:33:25 More and more every day. I'm just sitting here. I was like, I'm just going to wait for this whole topic to pass. Like a barge. Everybody should be annoyed that this whole thing is coming back. Yeah, we are annoyed. We're annoyed, Keith. I'm trying to keep it light,
Starting point is 00:33:42 but I would say that... It can't be like something they like to have. Well, you may be right, but I would say that... It can't be light, God damn it. Some things ain't light, Dad. Well, you may be right, but we'll see what the Supreme Court has to say about it. Remember, this country's always had a very strong pro-life constituency. That hasn't changed. They're trying to challenge Roe, and, you know, I think Roe will be upheld. That's set law. Well, but...
Starting point is 00:34:03 Roe versus Wade. Well, set can be upheld. That's set law. Well, but... Well, a set can be overturned. But they sneak and find a way... They tiptoe around it. That's all they're doing. It's fucked up. I actually didn't know all of those details,
Starting point is 00:34:15 unfortunately. Once again, a white man. We probably made half of them up. No, what you said sounded... At least what you said sounded informed. And it's terrifying. I literally made all of that up. But I'm like, oh, it's heartbreaking. And it's terrifying, and I'm not involved
Starting point is 00:34:25 in it, but I'm like, oh, it's heartbreaking. It's so sad, and I'm so sorry. If you knew abortion were legal, Keith, I mean, were illegal, how would that change
Starting point is 00:34:34 your sex life, if at all? Not one bit. I'm going full throttle. Okay. Can I say that? You can say that. Your bag,
Starting point is 00:34:44 you're wearing a bag is what you're saying. Absolutely not. No bag. Well say that? You can say that. You're wearing a bag is what you're saying. Absolutely not. No bag. Well, we are on Raw Dog Radio. Raw Dog. So I guess your comment
Starting point is 00:34:54 is appropriate. There's your jokes right there. Yeah, there's your jokes. You wanted some jokes. This guy's reading abortion laws. Well, we are trans.
Starting point is 00:35:00 We're trans genre. That's right. We're trans genre. But I'm going to bring it back to comedy. Good. By the way, Dave Rath, if you want to hop on the mic, he does not want to hop on the mic. Dave Rath is at a loss for words, which is okay.
Starting point is 00:35:13 Rare. Rare indeed. Now, here's something in the comedy world, and I think this is interesting. Our dear friend Ahmed Ahmed. You know Ahmed Ahmed. I know Ahmed Ahmed. I don't think that's his real name, but it might be. Ahmed Ahmed. I don't think those are his real name. But it might be Ahmed Ahmed. I don't think those
Starting point is 00:35:25 are his real names. Either one? Anyway. Hear the jokes. He was in Naples, Florida at a comedy club and apparently was talking about on stage, he said something like, hey, who here is from the Middle East? And a few people raised their hand.
Starting point is 00:35:43 And he said, oh, we could start our own terrorist organization. And then after the show, a couple audience members called the police. They felt uncomfortable. They thought maybe he legitimately recruited. I don't know what they thought. They called the cops. Because that's how you do it. The cops came. Bin Laden started at the chuckle hut. I don't know if you know that.
Starting point is 00:36:00 He was an improv team. You know, if a Middle Eastern comic didn't talk about terrorism, I would be a little suspicious. It is an improv team. You know, if a Middle Eastern comic didn't talk about terrorism, I would be a little suspicious. It is interesting, though. Because that would be a little disquieting. Why? Because every Middle Eastern comic says something about
Starting point is 00:36:15 terrorism. Pretty much. That's kind of, right? I mean, true or false? False. You're saying that's false. Aziz, Kumail. Aziz is not Middle Eastern. You're right. He's Far Eastern. Aziz is Eastern.
Starting point is 00:36:28 Yeah, Far Eastern does think it. Do audiences have the subtlety to know that? I've been with Kumail at shows where they yell terrorist. I have. And if the comics don't mention it, the audience members certainly do. I was with Kumail in 2001 when we started. That's how dense it was. I don't know if audiences are subtle enough, people like that, are going to go, he's Far Eastern.
Starting point is 00:36:48 I don't know if they're going to know that. That's a very good point. The point is, is terrorism humor is a mainstay of Middle Eastern comedians. If it's not, it's a mainstay. It's a common. It's common. It's common. It's common, yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:03 It's the elephant in the room that you make jokes about. Well, it's like not anymore. It's a guy who's extremely overweight. Yeah. Generally speaking, at some point in his act, we'll address the fact that he's extremely overweight. It's very fluffy is what you're saying. Well, it has to be addressed because everybody's thinking it.
Starting point is 00:37:19 Well, back in the 80s, like, you know, most of the black congressmen would, you know, come off with a, hey, be careful. Only chipping the cookie. Because I'm out. I'll rob your car. Whatever. Some horse shit like that.
Starting point is 00:37:31 Right. And now it's so far advanced over. So maybe it was the Middle Eastern comedians that would get beyond that. Because now a black comedian is expected. It's not unusual. It's not weird. There's nothing bizarre about it. But there was a time that you felt that same urge.
Starting point is 00:37:45 I remember seeing Todd Lynn, rest in peace, right here at the Cellar, and he felt the need to go like, why are you looking at me like, why is the bouncer on stage? That is a remnant of that same instinct to address why is there a big black man on stage. Right. Dante Nero had a very similar sort of thing. And a lot of gay comedians
Starting point is 00:38:05 if they're gay in a way that's obvious shall we say we're going to talk about that but at a certain point it doesn't become as necessary well it might not maybe not necessary maybe in Naples, Florida
Starting point is 00:38:19 we're speaking, I mean it's more indicative of the audience members than even here in New York is Florida a big gay area? Even here in New... Is that a big gay area? No, no, no. I mean that it's unusual to have a Muslim or...
Starting point is 00:38:32 Oh, that's where this story was. Look, even here in New York, if your name is Ahmed or Mustafa or Mohammed, generally speaking, you're going to say something about it. Who is buying a ticket to Ahmed Ahmed and can't handle that joke? Well, that's another good point. I mean, maybe they didn't realize that Ahmed Ahmed was a, I don't know. It's an amazing name. Pretty obvious.
Starting point is 00:38:51 If you didn't get it the first time, you got it the second time. Ahmed? Ahmed. Oh, Ahmed, Ahmed, Ahmed, Ahmed. Well, the good news is that the police, they came, they asked them a few questions. I don't know why they even bothered coming. I don't know what they asked. What did they ask?
Starting point is 00:39:08 They probably said, are you planning a terrorist act? He said no. And they said, oh, okay. I don't know what they asked. I'm just... I don't think it's going to be online. It's pretty fucked up. I'm sure it didn't feel great for Ahmed Ahmed.
Starting point is 00:39:27 But then they say, if you see something, say something. Yeah, well, that's true. So the audience sees. Yeah. Did they say that in Florida, though? No, that's not what they said. I thought they said, go to Disney World. Stand your ground.
Starting point is 00:39:41 That's a Florida law. Well, Ahmed, the good news is any publicity is good, they say. Well, it's... What do you... Comedians Middle Eastern reference at Naples Comedy Club prompts 911 call. Yes. They called 911? It's like the guys in Starbucks all over again.
Starting point is 00:40:00 While he was on stage? Yeah. Well, that's not what I read. It doesn't matter. The point is they called the police. Well, I's not what I read. It doesn't matter. The point is they call the police. Well, I mean, it matters a little bit. The point is they call the police. Calling the police is different than dialing 911.
Starting point is 00:40:12 It's an emergency. This guy just made a really bad joke. I'm calling 911. I sometimes call the police just to chat. You don't need an emergency. You can just be like, what's going on? I was thinking. A lot of people probably don't know how to call the police other than 911.
Starting point is 00:40:25 You know what I mean? Even if it's not an emergency. I've never called the cops on a white guy, and that annoys me. You should start. I haven't. You know, from the history of white guys, I should call the cops all the time. A white guy comes through, but I've never did it. That's really funny.
Starting point is 00:40:41 That sounds like a bet. Like, how do you call 911 on a white-collar crime? Like, they're laundering money or embezzlement. I don't know what it is. But I never have. We can make that happen. Puerto Ricans, blacks, and white guys. This is a really fucked up story.
Starting point is 00:40:58 It is fucked up. Thank you. Yeah, Danny's a dumb-born toy. You were just the king. Well, what else? Ariel, being the voice of king. What else would you like to discuss with regard to that story? My point is terrorists don't do meet and greets.
Starting point is 00:41:10 We don't say death to America, but hey, can we take a selfie first? Yeah, it's ridiculous. It speaks, unfortunately, to the us versus them paranoia that we have in this country. Wait a minute. She's lusting after our bad man. I didn't know what he looked like. He's minute. She's lusting after our bad man. I didn't know what he looked like. He's pretty good looking.
Starting point is 00:41:28 Yeah, he is good looking. That is, come on. That's a guy that opens a mutual fund for you. That's not a terrorist. Not that a terrorist looks like anything. This is a tricky podcast, man. I didn't know I was coming into a hotbed. It's a hotbed. As I've said, we...
Starting point is 00:41:44 What if a madman turned out to be a terrorist? I know. Probably coming into a hotbed. It's a hotbed. Well, as I've said, we... What if a man turned out to be a terrorist? I know. Probably not a very good one. This is the plot of Homeland, by the way, that a terrorist doesn't... This is what we're learning as a country, that a terrorist is a person who does terror. They don't look like anything.
Starting point is 00:41:57 My friend Azhar Usman, if we looked at a photo, I'm correcting myself, looks like if we were watching a 90s movie, like a terrorist. Big, big old beard. He's a big dude. Intimidating dude. I love him to death.
Starting point is 00:42:07 One of the sweetest people in the world. But who's committing terrorists? Fucking white dudes. White dudes are committing terrorists. Well, that's what I was going to say with all due respect. I love you and I think you're wonderful. I look like a terrorist. You're the one in this country who looks like a terrorist.
Starting point is 00:42:19 That's the point I'm trying to make and I thank you very much. I know. I'm agreeing with you. Yes. That's it. It's me. But nobody does that in this country, right? We don't call white men terrorists, but most of the terrorists...
Starting point is 00:42:31 If I went on stage and was like, we should start a terror group, nobody's going to call. Nobody's even going to laugh. No, no, you're right. It's true. I just called 911 on Pete. You got your wish. You got your wish. You got your wish. Well,
Starting point is 00:42:47 we do call them terrorists. I think everybody agrees and nobody disputes that the bombers from Oklahoma City, what was his name, Timothy McVeigh, was a terrorist. But if a guy's clearly just a lunatic with no political agenda, then by
Starting point is 00:43:03 definition he's not a terrorist. Yeah, but if your target is, you know, a black church or a mosque, then it's an act of terror. That is the political agenda. If a white guy shoots up, you know, a Walmart and it's white people, then we can go, unfortunately, that's fucked up as well, but it has less of a political motive. But when racist people shoot up racial, other races,
Starting point is 00:43:26 then it's definitely a different thing. Yeah, well, that works. The motivation is different. We never call white men who do those acts of terror, terrorists. They're mentally ill, or they have some other fucking bullshit. Whatever we call them,
Starting point is 00:43:38 it's not like we're taking it easy on them. They go to jail, they get executed all the time. No, you are taking the image. The word terrorism is taken on a certain connotation. Yeah, a racist connotation. It doesn't mean that white people that shoot up schools are treated kindly.
Starting point is 00:43:53 They're treated much better. Well, Timothy McVeigh was executed. Well, he's maybe the exception to the rule. And that other guy was just sentenced to death. What's his name? One of the church shooters, I think, was just sentenced. I forgot what his name was. If you don't have that stigma on you of being a terrorist, it helps.
Starting point is 00:44:08 Well, I don't know that... I want to see Pete stop more often at airports. Ha-ha! Man, the size of my body alone. Are you stopped? I know you're not stopped for terrorism. Are you stopped frequently as HBO's Pete Holmes? Now we're into regular podcast questions again. Thank God.
Starting point is 00:44:28 How often are you ready? You don't want to ask me about stem cell research, gay marriage, is there anything else? We actually had Michael J. Fox on not that long ago talk to him about stem cell research. That's hilarious. If no one were here, we would probably go into Rashida Tlaib, or however you pronounce it, in Israel.
Starting point is 00:44:44 But he's not here, so we're not going to do that. We'll save it for him. We'll save it for another time. You know where I'm famous is this neighborhood because it's the set of Crashing. So if you saw, obviously Jerry Seinfeld
Starting point is 00:44:53 is super, super famous, but if he wasn't that famous but he stood in front of the restaurant on the Upper West Side from the show, that's like me walking around this neighborhood.
Starting point is 00:45:00 That's sweet. This is where I'm famous. Well, I get recognized in this neighborhood. On 14th Street, I don't get recognized. I get recognized after this neighborhood. About 14th Street, I don't get recognized. I get recognized after a show when they say,
Starting point is 00:45:08 hey, weren't you just on the show? Yeah, there you go. By the way, even then sometimes they think I'm Lenny Marcus. No, I walk around with it like a video of me, videotape of me crashing,
Starting point is 00:45:19 playing. On an iPad? They say, what's that? Oh. That's how I get recognized. I want to hear about the fake Oh. That's how you recognize. I want to hear about the fake steak. I was eating a mushroom. I don't eat meat, so I was eating a portobello mushroom.
Starting point is 00:45:31 Oh, you're a vegetarian. I'm a vegetarian. Are you really? I'm a vegan. Are you a vegan? I'm a flexible vegan. What does that mean? Oh, I love that.
Starting point is 00:45:38 Is that like a bicarious? It's like, well, I am bicarious, and I don't eat meat or dairy, but I'm very lax about it. Which means you do eat meat and dairy. No, no, I'm pretty strict on meat, but I don't beat myself up, and I wish more people would be open to that lifestyle because veganism has looked at this club where it's like, you're in, and then if you eat a cookie, you're out. No, no, I'm like you.
Starting point is 00:46:00 And if more people, if you were vegan one meal a day, and I'm vegan three meals a day most days, and then occasionally maybe I'll have a cookie. It's usually a sweet that I'll cheat for. But you don't eat meat. Or I'll eat sushi occasionally. That's a cheat. So I don't want to be put in any box.
Starting point is 00:46:16 But what I'm saying is most of the time I eat plants. That's very good for my body. That's very good for the planet. That's very good for the global. It's good for the animal. It's good for the animal as well. There's the ethical benefit. So what's your main motivation
Starting point is 00:46:27 for being vegetarian, vegan, flexitarian, whatever you want to call it? I get high from it. I think most people are sick. They're eating mass farm
Starting point is 00:46:36 fucking nonsense and it makes them feel sick. The meat industry is horrific in this country. Well, pink ooze, Google it.
Starting point is 00:46:43 Pigs, pigs smarter than dogs and you're eating this fucking nasty nitrate antibiotic cancerous bullshit. It's fucked up to the animal
Starting point is 00:46:51 and it's fucked up to you. So what people don't know and I wish people did know, all day I've been drinking because I'm doing press all fucking day. Smoothies, green juice, that's all I'm eating.
Starting point is 00:47:00 Maybe some lentil soup or something, that's all I'm eating. Keeps me high. It gets you high. If you want life, eat life. Eat some lentil soup or something. That's all I'm eating. Keeps me high. It gets you high. If you want life, eat life. Eat some living things. I talked to Colin Quinn.
Starting point is 00:47:10 I laughed right in his face. I was like, you had a heart attack. What are you doing differently? He's like, I'm taking Lipitor. I was like, eat some kale. Colin! You should be Kaelin Quinn. How long have you been veganing?
Starting point is 00:47:24 It's only been maybe six years, five, six years. Now, but in your previous life, when you were eating meat, you didn't find a delicious steak or a cheeseburger to be a euphoric experience? Absolutely. Absolutely. There's no doubt about that. But look at the animal. Look at what you are.
Starting point is 00:47:40 You're eating something that's so dense in calories, your brain sends a signal. Same with a milkshake that says, this is good, this will keep us alive. But this is a caveman mentality. You found something that's dense in calories, it says, eat this. We don't know when something like this is going to come around again. Now we're eating it three fucking meals a day.
Starting point is 00:47:54 This is why there's an obesity epidemic. That's why there's a sugar addiction epidemic. It's why our kids are fucking dying. Everybody's pre-diabetic. Everybody's pre-stroke. Everybody's pre-cancer. It's fucked up. I don't care what gets you a good feeling.
Starting point is 00:48:07 But you said it gets you high to be a vegan. Yeah, but I'm not talking about while I'm eating it. I'm talking about all fucking day. How do you feel 45 minutes? You're high because you feel proud that you're a vegan. No, because he feels it. Well, I let him answer the question. How does this dummy host a podcast?
Starting point is 00:48:20 I'm saying not while I'm eating it. All day, day clean burning energy entering my cells and fueling me. The cheeseburger might taste good but how's that bowel movement like four hours later that you're pushing for nine hours you diarrhea box having person.
Starting point is 00:48:38 I don't think you're an idiot by the way. I take offense. I kind of like that. When I'm at the table I like like that. I think it was... When I'm at the table, I like being mean. I think it was craft services that was responsible for my diarrhea. So the blame is squarely on the shoulders of HBO. My show is not vegan. It's very hard to be ethical in your food
Starting point is 00:48:58 because technically you shouldn't eat at a restaurant. If you're into ethics of animals, which I am, you shouldn't eat at a restaurant that's... Because if you buy a salad at a steakhouse, you're still giving money, more money than the salad cost, that goes to the murder of animals. So it's very, very hard. That's why I'm trying to invite people into a more flexible,
Starting point is 00:49:14 not so black and white, not so binary, like let's just start with what we can eat. One thing a day. I got one thing. One day a week. Now, Keith is a carnivore. I am a carnivore, but I got one thing with you. You had absolutely nothing on abortion.
Starting point is 00:49:30 And now I'm all about being in the band. Yeah, I know, I know. What about the animals, man? No, he said he was pro-choice. He said he was squarely pro-choice. But if no one were here, and he's not here, but if he were here, he would say, you're very concerned about animals, that's noble, but what about fetuses? I love life.
Starting point is 00:49:49 I wish pro-life had a different thing. I wish it was called pro-martialing women's bodies, you know what I mean? Because it's bad marketing, or it's good marketing for them. I am pro-life. I think it's a beautiful thing, life. I just had a baby. It's one of the most beautiful things you can do. Do I think that people should be conscious if
Starting point is 00:50:08 they get an abortion? Like, think about it and consider it and consider their options? There's a line as long as the Mississippi that will adopt your baby. And listen to all the stories about people that say they will give their baby up for adoption and then they bond with the baby and then they keep the baby and then they love the baby. There's all these good stories for that, but do I think it should be
Starting point is 00:50:23 mandated by the state? Absolutely then they love the baby. There's all these good stories for that, but do I think it should be mandated by the state? Absolutely. Or by the country? Absolutely not. But yes, I'm pro, I'm into, let's say this, I'm into life. I love life. This, this.
Starting point is 00:50:35 There you go. I love animal life. You know you're talking. I love baby life. You're talking like an idiot. I love old lives. I think old people in nursing homes deserve dignity and respect. I think our elders deserve dignity and respect. I believe our babies deserve dignity and respect. I believe animals and plants deserve dignity and respect. I think our elders deserve dignity and respect.
Starting point is 00:50:45 I believe our babies deserve dignity and respect. I believe animals and plants deserve dignity and respect. But do I think it should be marshaled on a state level? Now, are you really this positive, or are you on medication? I'm on green juice, baby. I still feel bad for calling you an idiot. Every time we did a scene and I roasted you and I'd call you a wooden puppet or wet lips or whatever it was, I'd feel bad as I was saying it.
Starting point is 00:51:07 And here I am again. Well, you know, that's interesting because you were saying it was fictitious. It was a TV show. But you wouldn't have called me a wooden puppet if you didn't feel I had some physical qualities that resembled on some level a wooden puppet. Yeah, that's true. You know, it's like when a fat guy gets called for an audition and... And all the lines are... I'm a fat guy. Well, yes, it's fiction, but you're a fat guy.
Starting point is 00:51:35 And that's why you were called in for this audition. Well, you most likely just said you sounded like an AM radio left on an old person's bed. Well, but that's not an insult. I take that as a compliment. Whether you meant it as such, I don't know. But I've devoted much of my life to cultivating the AM radio voice. Being a wooden puppet is not something
Starting point is 00:51:52 that I have cultivated nor desire. Yeah. Did he convert you... To veganism? Yeah, to somewhat think more about... I am on board with vegetarianism, maybe not veganism. I think it's great for the environment, as you said, great for the animal,
Starting point is 00:52:08 great for everything. I can't do it. You could do it. I can't. That's a cop-out. Of course you could do it. That's a cop-out. I love meat and I became a vegetarian. The meat and dairy industry creates more pollution than planes, trains, and cars combined. You see, I need that. And when people are like, oh, in L.A., there's a drought, there's a drought. I passed a billboard that says, you know, there's this campaign like, don't throw away your food, eat your food.
Starting point is 00:52:35 They were like, one egg, throwing away one egg wastes 52 gallons of water. Eat your eggs. I was like, shouldn't that sign say, don't make eggs? 52 gallons of water? And I don't even have the stats, but when you get to a pound of beef, the amount of water that this shit costs, it's fucking crazy. I am paying more attention. I do try. I am cutting down on my red meat,
Starting point is 00:52:58 both for health and environmental reasons, but to go completely veg or veed... That's what I'm saying. Try it slowly, Dan. I'm saying this with love. I believe that to be vegetarian, you have to be essentially a happy person. That's hilarious.
Starting point is 00:53:14 Let's work on that. Because if I'm happy, I don't need meat. I got other things in my life. But when all you have is that cheeseburger, damn it, you're going to eat that cheeseburger. I think you're going to love this because this is empathy for you. Because remember, I ate meat for 36 years or more. Or was it less?
Starting point is 00:53:30 So don't think that I'm demonizing you. In fact, I have a bit. Keith, my carnivore brother. When I'm in New York, this bit kills. I go, I'm a vegan. People boo. I go, I know, I know. In New York is the only place where it does not make sense to not eat meat
Starting point is 00:53:45 because it's so hard to live here that when you get to the restaurant after being on the J train and taking this cross town and a cab splashes a puddle and a homeless guy throws up fire on your neck, you're like, I made it. Fuck you, chicken. Give me that chicken. It is so hard to be vegan here. I completely empathize.
Starting point is 00:54:05 You go to L.A., it's sunny, everybody's wearing linen, we have tans, and there's a juice place everywhere. It's easy to be vegan. So I empathize to everybody listening. It's not easy. All I'm saying is give it a try, maybe one meal a day. I do one meal a day. There you go.
Starting point is 00:54:19 Do you do Meatless Monday? No, sometimes I don't eat meat at all. See, that breaks my heart. I don't like the guilt in it. I'm like, I want to be happy. But I just think it's also about the industry in this country. Like, they're feeding us poison. You can get sustainable.
Starting point is 00:54:39 You can even eat meat. Isn't everything bullshit after a while? I don't know. Even the whole vegan thing. Isn't that bullshit? Well, dude, if you want. Even the whole vegan thing. Isn't that bullshit? Well, dude, if you want to talk about water. Sometimes that seeps into whatever you're doing. Almonds take a lot of fucking water to make.
Starting point is 00:54:51 Almond milk isn't great for the environment. That's why oat milk is better. So, yes, that's a beautiful point. Everything is sort of fucked down to it. I have a joke, too, where I'm like, a tomato would rather live. It's not conscious. It can't talk. It doesn't make noise.
Starting point is 00:55:04 But it is life. It wants to talk. It doesn't make noise. But it is life. It wants to be. All life feeds on death. This is what all the great myths are helping us cope with. And we don't have good myths anymore, so we're suffering as a people. Sugar is fucked, too. What about worse?
Starting point is 00:55:16 Anybody listening, please watch the movie Fed Up. It's unbelievable. It'll change your life. And they make this point. They were like, if another country was doing what we're doing to our own children, we'd go to war. There'd be World War III. The death, the disease, people getting gastrointestinal surgery at 14 that can kill you and often doesn't even work just to keep big fucking medicine going. These people do not give a fuck about you.
Starting point is 00:55:42 And this is what's important. The meat industry doesn't give a fuck about you. Alcohol industry doesn't give a fuck about you. Alcohol industry doesn't give a fuck about you. Tobacco doesn't give a fuck about you. Carnival cruises don't give a fuck about you. Dude, but it's important if you're following a dream, so your dream is like I want to eat a good cheeseburger and feel that bliss, at least make sure that you are the author of that dream.
Starting point is 00:55:59 Don't buy someone else's narrative of what happiness is. Find your own and be conscious about it. That's what I'm saying. So like, I stopped drinking, for example, it made me a lot happier and a lot healthier.
Starting point is 00:56:09 You don't drink at all. I stopped drinking. It's been about a year and a half. This despite the fact they say that a glass of red wine a day is actually helpful. Bullshit.
Starting point is 00:56:16 Well, you say... Why do they say that? Antioxidants, right? I don't know why they say that. Why don't they say grape juice? You don't think there's antioxidants in grape juice? These studies are funded by the alcohol industry. You know what I'm saying? They don't they say grape juice? You don't think there's antioxidants in grape juice? These studies are funded by the alcohol industry.
Starting point is 00:56:27 You know what I'm saying? They don't give a fuck about you. They don't give a fuck about you. This one has saved my life. Well, Pete. Well, maybe it does have a blood thinning quality, but there are other things that can thin your blood. Just as you weren't prepared to.
Starting point is 00:56:38 I must say, just as you weren't prepared to talk about abortion, I'm not prepared necessarily to talk about the food industry. I would have studied up on it. Well, watch Fed Up and talk about it on your podcast. Have you had the Impossible Burger? Love it. That's what I said. It's amazing.
Starting point is 00:56:54 It is. It's unbelievable. Oh, wait a minute. This is pissing me off. Here comes Keith. You two phonies. I love it. You two phonies.
Starting point is 00:57:01 Here it is. Keith and Perry. I like the Impossible Burger. Then he wants a real burger I mean I want a pack of cigarettes and like a pound of cocaine but I stopped doing that because it's going to fucking kill me to Keith's point
Starting point is 00:57:16 that's why when you said I don't eat meat that much it breaks my heart I do want us to have love and compassion for each other you know the assholes that stop smoking and they start immediately telling people, you know, that's killing you? We need to remember when I'm talking to you and when I'm talking to you, I'm talking to myself.
Starting point is 00:57:32 I ate meat the majority of my life. But we can't become these preachy assholes. Yosemite Sam on the island trying to convince himself that coconut's the best thing ever. I like that reference. I'm going to have to go into time to get it. Well, Yosemite Sammy's like, coconut cream pie and roasted coconut. And he's like, I hate coconut.
Starting point is 00:57:56 But he's trying to convince himself that coconut is great. Isn't that tempting, though, that you get an Impossible Burger? If I eat an Impossible Burger with no meat, I'm going to want meat sooner or later. I'm going to want a real burger.. I'm going to want a real burger. You're saying Impossible Burger is a gateway burger. Yes. I understand that.
Starting point is 00:58:13 I think you guys are fine as you are. I don't want to change you. And, you know, maybe give it a try. See how you feel. When you're ready, if you want. Well, Pete certainly has an evangelical zeal with regards to health. I have that problem. He's very judgmental on it.
Starting point is 00:58:31 Oh, my God. I don't think he's judgmental. I'll buy you a plate of wings right now just to prove it. He's not judgmental. He is evangelical. It does remind me a little bit of a multi-level marketing pitch. Yeah, you're right. I could sell a timeshare. We need to remember that we're full of shit. Vegans are
Starting point is 00:58:48 full of shit. You know what I mean? We need to remember that we're all full of shit, and that's what's missing from the vegan dialogue, is some humility and some I don't know. I just got a signal from one of your team that we need to wrap things up. And some bacon
Starting point is 00:59:04 for you boys. We'll wrap it in bacon. A fig for us, and we'll wrap it in bacon for you guys. Thank you, Pete. I think she's coming back to me. Something about her lets me know she can be convinced. I'm looking at her. And cigarettes. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:18 Once a smoker, always a smoker. I will say, I think the last time I ate meat was in New York City, and it was alone in my hotel, and I was like, fuck it the last time I ate meat was in New York City. And it was alone in my hotel. And I was like, fuck it. I want some chicken wings. See, I agree that I feel like I like being a vegetarian. But I like not being puritanical about it. That's what I'm trying.
Starting point is 00:59:35 That's exactly my point. Like when I was in Italy a few years ago, I ate a piece of meat from the farm next to wherever the fuck I was staying. And I was like, that's fine. I think what we're doing, if we do it consciously and deliberately and with love and with compassion for ourselves and for our predicament being in this world,
Starting point is 00:59:54 that's a beautiful thing. You can almost do anything with compassion and awareness and have it be okay. That's kind of a weird thing to say, but it's true. I also just want to plug my book, Comedy Sex God, which we talked a little bit about. Comedy Sex God, we talked about it. It's basically what happens. It could
Starting point is 01:00:08 be called After Crashing. The fourth season of Crashing. But it's not. It's called Comedy Sex God. With a spiritual bent, but it's not as preachy as I've been on this podcast. Only towards the end. Only towards the end. Right when I've got you, and you have to finish it. You're like, this asshole. But I gotta finish it. We invited you here to
Starting point is 01:00:23 be you. Had you come here without an evangelical bent zeal, I would have tossed you right out. Thank you very much. And Dan, I was kidding when I called you an idiot. You're a sweet man and a funny man. Okay, but now you're getting obsessive compulsive with your apologies. That's true, and it's more about me than it is you, isn't it? I want to sound nice more than receive the forgiveness. Keith, thank you for coming down early.
Starting point is 01:00:42 We're taping early today because Pete was only able to come here at four. Are you on the shows tonight, Pete? Hey, man, I just want to go out and buy the Comedy 6, Scott. Thank you. That's all I want to do now. It's about you. And you know you're raw-dogging it.
Starting point is 01:00:58 Chapter one, raw-dog. And you can still listen to Keith. If you haven't heard enough of Keith, then you can never get enough. He co-hosts Three Girls, One Keith with his dear friend Amy Schumer. Rachel Feinstein. And Rachel Feinstein. And Bridget Everett.
Starting point is 01:01:12 Oh, those are three good. Those are three great women. You can't cut one half of the title. Have you met the baby, by the way? What's his name? Jean Attell? Jean Attell. Jean Attell Fisher.
Starting point is 01:01:21 Lovely baby. Well, our congratulations to Amy once again on the birth of her child. Periel, whatever. No, you're part of the show, so I don't need to thank you. My baby's middle name is Lang. And you have a baby, too. Just kidding. That was good.
Starting point is 01:01:41 For everybody who caught that, that was very good. Pete brought the jokes. All right, next time. I think our next episode, is that with Adam Carolla? Adam Carolla, yeah. We're really on a Carolla. Oh, bring up all the things you brought up with me with him, and you'll get some dirt.
Starting point is 01:01:58 All righty. Noted, noted. He won't play it safe. All right, thank you, everybody. We'll see you next time. Thank you.

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