The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Comedy Sex God
Episode Date: May 17, 2019Pete Holmes and Keith Robinson...
Transcript
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You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the podcast of the Comedy Cellar,
coming to you on SiriusXM Radio 99.
Ruddug.
And, of course, Noam is not here,
because that's why I'm doing the introduction. I don't know why he is not here because that's why I'm
doing the introduction. I don't know why
he's not here, but he's not.
I take it as a personal offense.
Is he on his way?
No, he's not on his way. Well, he's on his way, but not here.
I think he's on his way to
Mila's piano recital or something. I don't know.
But he's not here.
He's going to choose his daughter's piano recital?
I don't know what he has, but he's not here. We have with us... He's going to choose his daughter's piano recital. I don't know what he has
but he's not here.
But who we do have here
is a fairly impressive array
of guests.
Keith Robinson!
Periel.
Well, let me take this.
Let's do this systematically, Peter.
We have Periel Ashenbrand,
our new producer.
Hi.
And Keith Robinson.
Absolutely.
A regular at the Comedy Cellar,
writer, performer,
and he also has a special called
Back of the Bus Funny.
Back of the Bus Funny.
Three girls, one Keith.
That's a podcast with Amy Schumer.
That's on there.
That's on there.
That's on there.
How good was that third host, the third girl that ruined the name for you?
You're damn right.
Right?
Yes.
That person owes you a debt.
It could have been a perfect name, but you had to have Rachel Feinstein on there.
You're damn right.
Is that who it is?
I don't like it.
Three girls and one Keith.
It'd be two girls and one Keith.
That voice you hear is that of Mr. Pete Holmes.
A special guest.
I say special because he's not here very often.
Keith is here a lot. We'd love to have him, because he's not here very often. Keith is here a lot.
We'd love to have him, but he's not.
You don't have to explain everything like that.
Just go.
Why take me down to build him up?
Well, I'm not taking you down.
I'm saying we're happy to have Pete because we never see him.
That's true.
I haven't been here since probably the three of us were shooting here.
You've been living in Los Angeles.
Living in L.A. where I live.
Yeah, we were talking about that.
Now, this is the first time I've seen you since the end of the cancellation of the...
The end of the cancellation means we weren't canceled.
Well, no, I'm just...
The ongoing cancellation.
Our cancellation was renewed for another cancellation.
The point is, Crashing is...
Over. Over. It's crashed. The third is, Crashing is over. It's crashed.
The third season was the last season.
Final. How did you
feel about that when you heard the news,
Pete Holm? It was a
mixed bag. I mean, coming back here
stirs up those
emotions, because I can't drive around this
neighborhood. We passed
Minetta's, and I was like, that's where Bill Burr
and Artie and I ate
the steaks. They were fake steaks, but we were eating steaks
and did that scene. And we passed
the Fat Black Pussycat
and go, oh, that's where Artie and I
had our big fight. And then I come here
to the cellar and go, that's where Madeline and I
we had our big breakup and she stumbled
into the street. And then I come in the club
and I'm like, oh, this is the table where I
was talking with Natterman and Feinstein and there's
fucking Keith and downstairs
obviously, upstairs, this is like our set
it's crazy, so this is
like a reunion for me with
locations and people and that
makes me miss it
but I've said a couple times where the show is
about making friends with change
and whether it be a divorce
or a loss or a blown audition
or a bad set. So a show being
canceled is, in my real life, that's a
change. And the message of the show
is you roll with those changes. You go with the flow.
So that's what I'm doing. Keith and I both
were
a little bit rattled.
I don't want to speak for Keith.
I didn't like it. I'll speak for myself.
Okay.
I really didn't like it. The thing was canceled. I know we never to speak for Keith I'll speak for myself I really didn't like it
The thing was cancelled
We never got the great Keith episode
It was getting some juice
I was getting a little juice off that third season
Yeah baby
People would call me from Australia
That place, that place
I loved it, LA
I'm like yeah, yeah
Wait till the fourth season.
Well, yeah, I was getting a little bit, you know, bigger roles with each season.
First season I had maybe one episode.
Second season, two or three.
Third season, four.
I was looking forward to the fourth season.
I thought that this would be a break up.
Well, I don't want to rub it in, but you know Judd you, and I love you, and the same for you, Keith, obviously.
Keith does love me as well.
I mean, Keith and Trainwreck, come on.
This is a Jed Apatow.
He's in the stable.
I'm in.
And we always had episodes.
We only got to do eight a season, which was really hard for us,
and would always have episodes up on the board for different ideas.
We'd kick it around.
What would it be like if Pete? I hope this doesn't make it worse,
but we're like, what if Pete lived with Natterman?
What is Natterman's life like?
What if Pete goes on a trip with Keith?
We had this whole Black Circuit thing, the Chitlin thing,
and it was like Pete goes and he has to, we had the episode broken.
He's got to learn how to be himself instead of pander.
A lot of white guys go to the black circuit, they're like, what's up, y'all?
And it's like, no, be you.
They want you to be you, be yourself, be your funny self.
It's funny because it's like, think about that black circuit.
A lot of black comics pander to the black circuit.
Of course, yeah, to the white circuit.
To the black circuit and the white circuit.
You go back and forth.
When I first started, I did nothing but the white circuit. Yeah, to the white circuit. To the black circuit and the white circuit. Oh, to the black circuit, okay. You know, you go back and forth. When I first started, I did nothing but the white circuit.
And I go back to the neighborhood.
My whole lingo had changed.
So I go up to my buddies in the hood.
They hood dudes, straight hood dudes.
I'm like, hey, how you guys doing?
How you guys doing?
What are you, Potsy?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
So, you know, you have to adjust.
It's like that great Bill Burr bit.
I performed once or twice, well, maybe three or four times in all black settings.
Yeah.
I must say, it's not my favorite thing to do.
I'm not just saying this.
I think I can't imagine a crowd that wouldn't just immediately get you.
You're one of the most gettable guys because you're just you.
You've got to not have that fear of the crowd.
Yeah, that's right.
That's the main thing.
You can't look,
when that crowd sniff out
that you got some fear of them,
then you're going to get them.
Maybe I was over,
also I was overthinking it
because I thought everything I said
could potentially be perceived as racist.
Right.
You know, like you say,
so who here is married?
Oh, black people can't be married?
Right, right, right, right.
I understand.
Well, you get in your head.
I think that's what Pete would have done.
Pete on the show. And he would have tried to
have been like pandering
when, so Bill
really kind of cut his teeth in the black circuit
and he said to me once, he was like
Bill Burr. He was like, you gotta
remember, like when you have a
comedy show, 10 comics, and there's one black guy
or one black woman, that that's special.
That that's like unique and it's like, oh good,
here's like a different perspective. He was like, it's the same
thing when you're the only white guy on a show.
Oh, here's something new.
And you gotta go with that energy instead
of like, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm different.
I'd prefer to avoid it if possible.
That's the thing, you can avoid
black crowds. You can go
do what you do and never have to do a black crowd.
I can't avoid white crowds.
I got to do a white crowd because that's what it is for me.
Your reality is you don't have to do no.
Like Burr used a black crowd like Fox used with the black shows in the 90s.
Martin and all.
Remember all the black shows that built Fox up?
That's how Bur'm far dead.
Well, but I feel that a white crowd
is more receptive to a black comedian
than a black crowd in general
would be to a white comedian.
That's where you're wrong at.
Funny is funny.
But it's your mindset.
There is a confidence.
And your confidence is down.
In Def Jam, even the way comics are dressing up
and obviously I think of Bernie Mac,
the great Bernie Mac with the
I ain't scared of you motherfuckers
is like the essence of every comedian.
Somewhere in there needs to be a Bernie Mac
that's like I ain't scared of you motherfuckers.
Because that's what the thing is.
That's right.
I was actually there when Bernie did that.
You were?
Yes, I was there.
Dude, that should be your credit.
Sex guy was there.
I was there.
Of course I was there.
That's big.
We all did Def Jam.
I did Def Jam and everybody did Def Jam.
But if you have that confidence and the audience is picking up like, oh, he ain't trying to be
nobody but himself.
And that's where you win.
And that's why I like that. Black clubs,
black crowds will price check you.
Like, boom!
No good.
What do you think a black crowd,
correct me if I'm wrong, not that you're the authority,
but I feel like you are one of the authorities.
Relatively authority.
You're the most authoritative at the table.
Seinfeld, Black Room, good.
Seinfeld would be good because Seinfeld would be Seinfeld.
He's him. He's going to be him.
Larry David. Look at the black community
loves Larry David because he's being
legit. He's being real.
He's being legit.
I do think white people are missing out.
I spent about two days with Lunel following her around and interviewing her.
And I went to a show in Brooklyn.
And there were about, I mean, easily 2,000 people in the crowd.
And I was literally the only white person there.
Wow.
And it was shocking.
I mean, this was like.
Yeah, I mean, it was.
Why is that happening? It was insane.
I think it goes
both ways, too. Because a lot of
the comics that are on an
all-black circuit, they come to a white
room and they fall apart.
Because they have that same fear.
They're not authentic.
That's the Bill Burr bit where he's like,
I feel like I have to act a certain
way in black neighborhoods, but you know it goes the other way. You know this bit where he's like, I feel like I have to act a certain way in black neighborhoods. But you know it goes the other way.
You know this bit where he's like where a black guy is going to pick up his girlfriend in the white neighborhood.
You know, he starts low in the seat.
But as he gets closer and closer to his house, he's raising the seat up a little bit.
It's really funny.
I can't do it like Bill.
But that's what it is.
But, like, we all morph out of fear.
Out of fear of whatever you, you know.
But the greats don't.
When you find yourself, that's the thing of finding yourself on stage.
You're like, I don't give a damn who it is.
If you like me, you like me.
If you don't, you don't.
And that's what Keith would have told Pete in season four.
Here it is, the radio play version.
Now, in Crashing, as people that have seen the show know,
you use a lot of comedians, a lot of people from the comedy seller world.
How do you think it would have worked had you hired actors to play us?
Better.
I'm just kidding.
He may be right.
Hold on.
No, I don't think better.
You know, Joe Rogan was just saying,
why wasn't there a show with all comedians, right?
And I thought about that.
I was like, one is availability.
It's really hard.
Like, if we wanted to book a comedian in every little part,
you can't get Bo Burnham to come in to New York City for one day for $350.
This is just not going to happen.
So that's difficult.
You can't get maybe local people, smaller people.
The trick is...
You're saying you can't get a Dan Abnett and a Keith Robinson.
That's what I'm saying.
For $350.
No, you guys, I hope your rate was better.
If it was $350, let me talk to your agents.
That was a bad deal.
But the idea that all comedians is good, but I think about Madeline.
You guys worked with Madeline. Sure.
Tall girl. Blonde. Tall blonde.
Kill Bill. Madeline Wise. She was so
good, I believe maybe
like, maybe Maria Bamford could have done
that. You know what I mean? Played that in her own way.
But you can't get Maria Bamford. You gotta get these
actors. And I sort of like the energy
when it's actors working with comedians.
It's nice to have that diversity. She was great, Madeline.
She was amazing. She was my example of like, oh, fuck. I was working with comedians. It's nice to have that diversity. She was great, Madeline. She was amazing.
She was amazing.
She was my example of like, oh, fuck.
I was working with so many comedians
that we were sort of,
I don't want to say teaching to act,
but like working with new actors.
Here's an example,
who would not mind me saying so,
Esty has not acted.
Esty, just to be clear,
she's the person that books the room here,
and she played herself in Crash. And she was wonderful
and I love that experience
and then it's a different experience
when you're doing a very dramatic scene and somebody has to
cry and somebody has to pretend to be drunk.
Somebody has to do nine takes and it's two in the morning.
That's when it's like, oh wow.
That's when the actors come in.
But I was watching that
going like, I'm not doing this. Whatever
she's doing, that's what I'm trying to do.
Right.
They're like real, legit things.
But one thing...
So a blend is good.
Comedians are good for it.
By nature, a Judd Apatow joint
uses a lot of improv.
I don't know if he does that
with everything he does,
but I assume he does.
No, when Madeline was funny,
when her character was funny,
it worked because she was funny.
And I say, I think she was very funny,
but she was funny in a way
that our people aren't.
We're kind of funny in a more fucked up way.
In a different way.
It's a little bit more honed, a little bit more fucked up, really.
I love seeing good acting because I know I'm nowhere near that.
When I see a good act, I'm like, oh, wow.
And it makes you better.
Yes, you go.
It makes you better.
Because I did something in 94 with Don Cheadle.
Yeah.
A movie called Rebound.
And just watching this guy, I'm like, eh.
That's not what we do.
Yeah, yeah.
It checks you.
You go like, that's why I'm always hesitant.
People are like, oh, he's a comedian, an actor.
I'm like, I'm a comedian who acts.
I like acting.
We all like acting.
It's fun.
But you really can feel the comedy on them.
Yeah, you can feel the comedy on there. You can feel the
comedy on it.
You can tell who's a comic
or maybe because I know.
I think that depends on the role.
A lot of roles, we do a fine job.
Oh, I'm not saying we're bad.
It's just different. Burr is a great
actor. Bill Burr on Breaking Bad. I wasn't like,
here's a comic. We're bad
compared to real... We you see a real actor.
We're catching up.
Believe me.
Denzel's walk is better than anything I've ever done.
Denzel's walk.
Interesting actors are interesting people.
That's what David Mamet said.
He said, you would watch Al Pacino eat a sandwich.
You'd just be mesmerized.
But here's what actors can't do, and I stand by this.
They have a very hard time doing stand-up,
looking like they're stand-ups.
Just mic technique,
just the way they take the stage,
just the way they look at the audience.
You're going to have to do a real in-depth method,
Dustin Hoffman, Lenny style character study
if you're going to do it properly.
And so when I see shows
when actors are pretending
to be stand-ups,
you like Punchline.
We always use Punchline
as the example
where Tom Hanks
and Sally Field
are pretending to be stand-ups.
You're like,
these are actors.
Yes.
The way they pause,
the way they do it,
they don't add anything.
They don't know to riff.
Right, right, right.
If the line didn't work,
add something that works.
Find it.
As I was saying about comics,
about improv-ing,
which is what a lot of crashing was.
It wasn't script.
I mean, they would give you a script, you know.
Well, you had to run downstairs and you were like, where's the script?
I was like, there's no script.
Well, you give me a script.
It would say, you know, the comics get together.
And you'd have lines for us.
But you'd say, but yeah, forget about the script.
Yeah.
And sometimes, Judd, can I reveal this trade secret?
He would stand in the back of the room and yell out lines.
Yeah, yeah.
He'd say, Dan, try saying, shut up, idiot.
Or sometimes I would do it in the scene. I'd go like, now call me fat.
And then we'd just try a bunch of different things and it would be cut up
and stitched together and you wouldn't know.
That's because comics can do that.
We're not like, don't interrupt my process. We're like, yeah, I can do that. We're not precious about the craft. We're not like, don't interrupt my process.
We're like, yeah, I can say that.
Rachel Brosnahan talked about that when they asked her,
were you real on the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?
Like, were you really doing stand-up?
And she was like, oh my God, no.
Like, I would never really do stand-up.
That was all written for me.
I'd like to point out, I haven't seen much of that show.
So I'm not like shots fired to Marvelous.
Which I always considered our sister's show.
It just did so much better.
People seem to like it. I haven't seen that either.
I loved Crashing. I thought it was phenomenal.
I was really upset.
I wanted an alliance with Miss Maisel.
I wanted a Time Machine crossover.
Yeah, because remember, like, Lonnie Anderson would go on
the Love Boat, and then she would go on Fantasy Island afterward.
And that could have been...
She could have found a time machine.
Time machine, what have you.
Oh, nice time machine.
She's given a drink ticket that teleported her to the subway.
I'm not worried for you, Pete.
I'm worried for Dan Natterman, because I had health insurance as a result of crashing.
I've been in the Screen Actors Guild for 17 years, never got health insurance.
Oh.
But with crashing...
Yeah, you went and got that physical.
I got health insurance.
Well, no, but I have a physical coming up.
So hopefully
all will check out. Well, I mean, not to be sentimental,
but I think Judd and I
agreed that the best thing about it
was finding a way
to represent the community. Because we really
are a species. I'm not trying to be sappy.
We're a species. The show is about
how comedians help each other.
Sometimes people call bullshit on that. They're like, comics donians help each other. Sometimes people call bullshit on that.
They're like, comics don't help each other.
I was like, get new friends.
If your friends aren't helping you, get new friends.
Comics is like, you know, some comics are in trouble financially.
Put something up right away and it's taken care of.
Well, I'll tell you this about comics.
As soon as somebody is sick or dying or dead.
You've got to be sick or dying.
Merely a shitty apartment's not enough.
Well, that's all right then.
Why would it be?
Well, all right, I'm just saying.
Or like no health insurance is not enough.
But if you're dying, comics are right there, Johnny on the spot, and money will be raised.
That's pretty true.
That's fine.
Not so much dying, I mean.
But in trouble.
If you were in trouble, I feel like people would at least do a benefit show. I mean... Or in trouble. If you were in trouble,
I feel like people
would at least do a benefit show.
We did an episode about that.
If I were in trouble?
I mean, if you were going to be evicted,
how hard would it be
to do the Village Underground
Dan's going to be evicted?
Do it at 6 o'clock.
Who fucking cares?
You fill it out.
But how many people
admit to being evicted?
Yeah.
Like, I got evicted from my place in like 1990.
You did?
Big sticker on the door.
And you know one of those stickers that you can't spray.
Yeah, you can't come off.
No matter what somebody knew, I was being evicted.
They do those on the window of your car if you park in a street cleaner.
Well, you could put a poster over it.
That's true.
Very shawshank.
That's the poster of Rock Cal Welch.
Very shawshank.
Now, Pete, but I say I'm not worried about you because I know you got shit cooking.
Well, that's very kind of you.
First of all, you rolled in today with a publicist and your manager.
Now, this is a power move.
You're trying to intimidate me, and it worked.
Pete is rolling in dough.
Let's just say this.
He's rolling in dough.
I know Dave Rad.
That's your manager. He's here today.
He would have dropped you like a hot potato if nothing
was going on.
He'd love to. He would love to kick me
to the curb. So I know you got shit cooking.
So the question is, what's cooking?
Well, you know, I don't say that this sounds
like a line, but the book that I just wrote,
Comedy Sex God, is what
would have happened in the fourth and fifth seasons of
Crashing. People are like, well, what happened next
in the character? I'm like, well, it would have been about
my talk show, which I cover in the book.
It would have been about meeting my wife, which I cover
in the book. It would have been about getting married,
having a baby, all these things.
So if you're curious, literally
the next phase of my life is picked up
in the narrative of the book.
Okay, so you
won't get Keith Robinson and Dan Natterman.
Yeah, you don't have the cameos.
But even if I had written you guys in,
you wouldn't have been paid.
Was I a cameo?
Because some people said to me...
Oh, you're not a cameo.
You were a series regular.
Somebody in my building said to me,
hey, I enjoyed your cameo on Crashing.
I think that's just layman's speak.
I almost said to him, get the fuck out of here.
I'm an actor. Jeff Ross did a cameo. But I didn't want to sound like Sour Grapes. to him, get the fuck out of here. I'm an actor.
Jeff Ross did a cameo.
But I didn't want to sound like Sour Grapes.
Season one, Jeff Ross did a cameo.
When you just walk by and go like, leave him alone, Greer.
I think he's straight.
That's a cameo.
Right.
Like he wasn't even in the script.
Later, Jeff Ross came back.
But you guys were not cameos.
You were series regulars.
Yes.
But I didn't want to hit the guy because he lives in my building and it would have been
awkward every time I said that. He might be listening now. I just said thank you in a regulars. Yes. But I didn't want to hit the guy because he lives in my building and it would have been awkward every time I said that.
He might be listening now.
I just said thank you
in a harsh tone.
That's right.
Well, that's the right...
He didn't know.
He didn't know.
Yeah, these people don't know.
Well, so...
My dad calls Judd Apatow
Jeff Apapa.
You know what I mean?
Like, we can't expect
these people to understand
what we do.
Well, I do try to take
that into account.
So your book is called...
How big of a deal is that, Jeff Apapa? Like, I do try to take that into account. So your book is called... How big of a
deal is that, Jeff Appapa?
I'm like, I don't know, Dad.
He's like Carly Sprinsky.
I don't know what to say.
What else beside the book? Anything or just right now the book?
The book is enough, by the way. I'm not trying to minimize it.
No, I understand. It's a loving thing to want to know
what people are up to. I'm trying to take some
downtime. Crashing was four
years for me. The pilot and then three seasons was four years and it was non-stop, as you to. I'm trying to take some down time. Crashing was four years for me.
The pilot and then three seasons
was four years
and it was non-stop
as you remember.
I mean,
how many nights
did we have here?
Oh, you worked like a dog.
There were 14 hour days.
What you had to do,
I think that work thing
of trying to do,
when you're acting
and all that,
because it's like,
all right,
now this,
now that angle.
Well, you saw it.
Oh, it was exhausting. When we were in a now that angle. Well, you saw it. Oh,
it was exhausting.
When we were in a scene,
I was acting with you
and I was thinking,
are we getting the plot point?
Are we tracking the attitude?
That thing is hard.
It was a lot.
It was very exhausting
and one day I had diarrhea.
That was season two.
We don't need to know that.
Thank you,
You know the one
where I'm at the box?
Yeah,
you had diarrhea?
Well, what you didn't know is between scenes, I was downstairs.
Emptying your box.
I damn near broke my ankle.
Oh, and that was like the bad luck episode.
Oh, I remember, yeah.
Somebody had like that tiki from the Brady Bunch on.
Yeah, I didn't like that day.
Somebody said, did you trip or something?
Right, Keith got injured and had to be, I guess, cut out of the whole thing.
Didn't like it.
Yeah, no, it was a lot.
So I'm trying to, this sounds, you know, a little woo-woo, but I'm trying to balance
all that doing with some non-doing.
I'm going back to what I was doing.
Doing is what I was doing on season two at the box.
Ah!
That was a play on words.
You were pooing.
You know, for 15 years, I was a comedian before Crash.
I live the lifestyle that you guys are enjoying.
You do spots, you write, you're trying to put together an hour.
I'm doing that again.
I'm doing a little bit of writing.
I'm actually writing a couple episodes of The Simpsons,
which is a dream come true.
Wow, that's a big deal.
Yeah, I'm really excited about that.
They're on season 53.
They're on season 53.
They like to, yeah, it's still on is what people, I see Megan Amram posted. She's like, yes, it's still on. My episode on season 53. They like to... It's still on is what people... I see
Megan Amram post. She's like, yes, it's still on.
My episode airs tonight.
I've actually been watching the new seasons
and they're great. So I'm writing a couple
episodes of that and I'm trying to
develop a couple things.
Judd Apatow was here about a month ago
and he said, yeah, I'm in town. Me and Pete
are writing a movie and
I thought he meant you.
But he meant Pete Diggs.
How dare he go to the other white Pete?
I'm not Pete.
How dare he?
You know what?
The other Pete's not that white.
Pete, you're a whiter Pete.
Oh, no, he's definitely not as, I just meant color.
Yeah, Pete.
We don't even know what to describe Pete as.
What is it?
He maybe got some, I don't know. what to describe Pete as. What is it? He maybe got some...
I suspect he has, and I don't know if he's done 23andMe,
but I suspect he has some African American.
I would imagine.
He's Italian.
He's like an Italian kid from Staten Island.
Okay.
Well, I don't know.
You go to ethnocelebs.com,
which is the final authority on the ethnicity of celebrities.
I'll head right over there.
It says that he's Jewish and Italian and Irish, but I believe... which is the final authority on the ethnicity of celebrities. I'll head right over there.
It says that he's Jewish and Italian and Irish, but I believe... You're saying he's got some swagger, is what you're saying.
He's got a tinge of hip-hop in him.
He's got some hip-hop in him.
I saw him do his head at Largo.
He's wearing a hood the whole time.
I was like, that is something this Pete would never do.
This Pete is trying to let you see that golden retriever face.
So anyway, you and Judd don't plan to collaborate on anything?
No, I love Judd to death.
I'm not just saying this.
We're friends.
He texted me this morning.
He saw my Colbert last night.
And we miss each other.
It's romantic.
You know what's funny?
I miss seeing Judd all the time.
I gave him a mouse pad with a photo of me and him sitting in this club.
I was like, don't forget me. It was romantic.
I was like, bye. Four years.
I talked to the guy every day for four years.
Wouldn't a better podcast
thing be that you and Jed are
feuding?
I can't stand that guy.
That would be good.
We'd get some nice spicy.
That would be clickbait. Pete Holmes
dishes on Apple Channel. That would be clickbait. Pete Holmes dishes on Appetite.
We didn't have one... That's the title of this
episode.
We didn't have one disagreement the whole time.
Every once in a while, we'd have a courteous
disagreement, but he was always right.
And I'm not just saying that. He was always
right. If he was like, it should be this, not this.
But when you're working with
fucking Babe Ruth,
speaking of Pete Davidson, who kind of looks like Babe Ruth,
speaking of Babe Ruth,
you can trust him.
You're like, okay, you're the slugger.
I'm just on the bench.
And it really was his show.
You guys know that.
People are like, I love your show.
I was like, yeah, you love our show.
I was involved.
I wrote the episodes,
but every scene was something that Judd was like,
or he'd change it,
would be shooting a scene out front. And I was like, I wrote this like romantic scene between Pete and Allie and Judd was that Judd was like, or he'd change it, would be shooting a scene out front.
And I was like,
I wrote this like romantic scene between Pete and Allie
and Judd was there and he was like,
I think you guys should fight.
You guys should fight.
And I was like, what?
And we do it.
And he was right.
It was better.
It's not a terrible Apatow impression.
It's actually reasonable.
I did.
Nobody does Apatow impression.
I was thinking that maybe we could do a movie,
but I'm doing something with Pete Davidson right now.
That's pretty good, Judd.
That's not bad.
Not bad.
Judd, if you hear this, I'm deeply sorry.
I am going to switch gears a little bit.
On this show, as you may not know, we're a trans genre, we call ourselves.
That means we talk about comedy.
We also talk about political stuff.
Now, Noam gets very, very deep into the political stuff.
I don't.
Okay, but he's not here here and we're still doing it.
Right, and then when he's not here,
you complain that we're
not doing the political stuff.
There is a topic that I think is worth discussing.
I think it's quite interesting.
And I think everybody has an opinion on it.
I want to talk about, what is it, Alabama?
Alabama and
abortion more generally
and more particularly Alyssa Milano's call for a sex strike.
Now, you're aware that Alyssa Milano, the actress from Who's the Boss and other things, Commando, etc.,
has said that women should not have sex until women get their reproductive rights.
That's not a bad idea.
Well, she's got to coordinate with prostitutes.
Because that's where it's all coming from.
Well, Uber, you know, took a few days off.
Well, my feeling...
What does Uber have to do with it?
I don't know.
I'm just saying things that we do, driving,
that are for pay, you can still take
a strike. I mean, you're going to have to
coordinate with some men with large
purple hats.
It's a little Pimps and Hoes humor.
Yes. And noted.
Noted. Thank you for a
Dan Natterman laugh. Noted.
But what about this?
What about this?
Women, first of all, many women are against abortion.
So even if all the women that wanted to strike, that's only probably half the women out there.
The other half of the women are not going to strike because they think abortion is wrong.
Is that number accurate?
Well, whatever it is.
Well, I think it's relevant, whatever that number is.
It's a high number.
A lot of women are pro-life.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can still be against abortion, but for women's choice.
Thank you, Keith.
You can still be.
But what I'm saying is.
You mean you can be personally pro-life?
Yeah, you can be pro-life for your child.
I don't know.
That's asking a pretty evolved consciousness.
There's a lot of women.
And there are women, of course, in that category.
A lot of women that are pro-life and they think that the law should be no abortion.
And the men that are passing these laws, my guess is they're sexual partners.
The women that would strike.
I know what you're saying.
The women that would strike, their sexual partners are pro-choice anyway.
It's not like these congresspeople that are voting pro-life are married to these women that are like.
Are married to pro-life. Are married to these women that are like... Yeah, I mean, it's like 85%
of these people
in Alabama are like straight
white fucking men.
It was 25 who voted. It was 25
white men.
Old, dusty white men.
That's exactly right.
Old and dusty they might be. However,
the electorate in Alabama
is... The women are just as pro-life as the men. However, the electorate in Alabama is divided.
The women are just as pro-life as the men.
According to the polls
that I've looked at.
I don't know about that.
Show me some
evidence.
I don't think
that's far-fetched what you're saying.
We live in New York.
I live in LA. People that live in
metropolises, blue states, blue cities
at least, these are going to be a lot of pro-life
people, I mean pro-choice people.
A lot of the country is pro-life.
I don't know the numbers, but
there are a lot of pro-life women. And just as many women
are pro-life as men. So what you're saying,
it's a very simple point he's saying.
Even if it's only 500,000
pro-life women,
which is low,
the strike won't work because they're not going to do it.
They're not going to do it.
And the men that are...
Is what you're saying.
And the legislator that are...
It's not going to work anyway.
Isn't her point, though, I would wager,
no, this is a reasonable person.
She doesn't necessarily think it's going to happen.
What she's doing is what's happening.
Here we are talking about women's reproductive rights
because somebody said something kind
of salacious and interesting. They got
people talking about it again, hopefully in a
positive way. The whole thing is fucking
garbage, frankly.
I mean, they're
talking about giving
doctors 99 years
in jail for performing
abortions.
They're talking about criminalizing women for going out of state for having an abortion.
I mean, it's psychotic.
They're going back in time.
None of this is...
Yeah, it's insane.
Stop it.
None of this is valid under Roe v. Wade, but I guess the Supreme Court might overturn Roe v. Wade.
Because, what's his name?
Trump?
No.
Yeah, Trump, basically.
But what's his name?
Kavanaugh.
Kavanaugh.
Well, we'll see what the Supreme Court does.
I think it's a little early to start panicking.
They need five votes.
And they have them.
They have them?
Yes, they got five,
it's five,
five, four.
Really.
Five conservatives
and five...
Well, but we don't know
that just because
they're conservative judges
that they're going to vote
to overturn Roe.
Now, Pete,
you come from
a religious milieu.
Milieu.
Now, but you're
no longer religious.
You've turned your back on God.
How dare you?
I think you should read my book.
I'm a spiritual person.
If you're wondering if I'm pro-choice,
yes, of course I'm pro-choice.
I believe in people's right to do with their body.
Like, who has that?
Oh, unfortunately, it's Louis.
I understand that that's a hot-button issue as well.
Well, that bugs me, too.
Like, you can shoot somebody that's in your house.
Y'all want to get into that, I'll get into it, goddammit.
No.
But he has the bit about you can shoot somebody that's in your house.
Imagine if somebody was in your body.
It's a shocking way to sort of make an interesting point.
But yeah, of course, I believe in a woman's right to choose.
But do you believe in it in absolute terms, like say we're at the eighth month and the baby is fully formed?
Would you believe in it then?
I don't see any benefit in commenting on this.
Okay, fair enough.
We always wander down this dark alley when we talk about women's rights.
Yeah, that's what I don't like. Let's go with what actually is
happening with this law. Six weeks.
In Alabama, this is a six-week law.
But the little
guys in Alabama, all the white guys
in Alabama, it's like, yeah.
Even if you're raped, if you're raped,
they say, well, you still got, because every life is
precious, you still got to keep the baby.
And they give the rapist parental
rights, by the way, historically.
There was just a case, somebody raped a 12,
this was just a couple of years ago, to be fair,
but somebody raped a 12-year-old girl,
and then nine years later,
he petitioned for paternal rights and got it.
So that's fun.
Right.
But it's six weeks, you don't even know if you're pregnant, usually.
I would just say this.
Because we are a comedy podcast, we do do politics.
We always try to relate it, if we can, to the world of comedy.
This would be a positive thing for the comedy seller because, you know, if Roe v. Wade is overturned, New York will always have abortions.
People come here for abortions.
They say, why not take in a comedy show while we're here?
Wow.
You are a dark sob right right after right after they hit Planned Parenthood you think they're gonna pop over here well it could only help I mean
they're here in town anyway and I mean worst case scenario is they don't take
in a show because they're gonna they're gonna go to jail is the point no not if
they come here where it's perfectly legal. So most of the people who, by the way, are not going to have access are women who do not have financial means.
Well, they wouldn't have come to the show anyway.
They can't afford the cover charge.
I'm trying to put a positive spin on it.
It's not a positive spin.
It's just horseshit.
I really think this is horseshit.
I love you, Keith.
More and more every day. I'm just sitting here. I was like,
I'm just going to wait for this whole topic
to pass. Like a
barge. Everybody
should be annoyed that this
whole thing is coming back.
Yeah, we are annoyed.
We're annoyed, Keith. I'm trying to keep it light,
but I would say that... It can't be like
something they like to have. Well, you may be right, but I would say that... It can't be light, God damn it. Some things ain't light, Dad.
Well, you may be right, but we'll see what the Supreme Court has to say about it.
Remember, this country's always had a very strong pro-life constituency.
That hasn't changed.
They're trying to challenge Roe, and, you know, I think Roe will be upheld.
That's set law.
Well, but...
Roe versus Wade.
Well, set can be upheld. That's set law. Well, but... Well, a set can be overturned.
But they sneak and find a way...
They tiptoe around it.
That's all they're doing.
It's fucked up.
I actually didn't know
all of those details,
unfortunately.
Once again, a white man.
We probably made half of them up.
No, what you said sounded...
At least what you said
sounded informed.
And it's terrifying.
I literally made all of that up. But I'm like, oh, it's heartbreaking. And it's terrifying, and I'm not involved
in it, but I'm like,
oh, it's heartbreaking.
It's so sad,
and I'm so sorry.
If you knew abortion
were legal, Keith,
I mean, were illegal,
how would that change
your sex life,
if at all?
Not one bit.
I'm going full throttle.
Okay.
Can I say that?
You can say that.
Your bag,
you're wearing a bag is what you're saying. Absolutely not. No bag. Well say that? You can say that. You're wearing a bag
is what you're saying.
Absolutely not.
No bag.
Well, we are on
Raw Dog Radio.
Raw Dog.
So I guess your comment
is appropriate.
There's your jokes
right there.
Yeah, there's your jokes.
You wanted some jokes.
This guy's reading
abortion laws.
Well, we are trans.
We're trans genre.
That's right.
We're trans genre.
But I'm going to bring
it back to comedy.
Good.
By the way, Dave Rath, if you want to hop on the mic, he does not want to hop on the mic.
Dave Rath is at a loss for words, which is okay.
Rare.
Rare indeed.
Now, here's something in the comedy world, and I think this is interesting.
Our dear friend Ahmed Ahmed.
You know Ahmed Ahmed.
I know Ahmed Ahmed.
I don't think that's his real name, but it might be.
Ahmed Ahmed. I don't think those are his real name. But it might be Ahmed Ahmed. I don't think those
are his real names. Either one?
Anyway.
Hear the jokes.
He was in Naples, Florida
at a comedy club and apparently was talking about
on stage, he said something
like, hey, who here is from the Middle East?
And a few people raised their hand.
And he said, oh, we could start our own terrorist organization.
And then after the show,
a couple audience members called the police.
They felt uncomfortable. They thought maybe he
legitimately recruited. I don't know what they thought.
They called the cops. Because that's how you do it.
The cops came.
Bin Laden started at the chuckle hut. I don't know if you know that.
He was an improv team.
You know, if a
Middle Eastern comic didn't talk about terrorism, I would be a little suspicious. It is an improv team. You know, if a Middle Eastern comic
didn't talk about terrorism, I would be a little
suspicious. It is interesting, though.
Because that would be a little disquieting.
Why? Because
every Middle Eastern comic says something about
terrorism. Pretty much.
That's kind of, right? I mean,
true or false? False.
You're saying that's false. Aziz, Kumail.
Aziz is not Middle Eastern.
You're right.
He's Far Eastern.
Aziz is Eastern.
Yeah, Far Eastern does think it.
Do audiences have the subtlety to know that?
I've been with Kumail at shows where they yell terrorist.
I have.
And if the comics don't mention it, the audience members certainly do.
I was with Kumail in 2001 when we started.
That's how dense it was.
I don't know if audiences are subtle enough, people like that, are going to go, he's Far Eastern.
I don't know if they're going to know that.
That's a very good point.
The point is, is terrorism humor is a mainstay of Middle Eastern comedians.
If it's not, it's a mainstay.
It's a common.
It's common.
It's common.
It's common, yeah.
It's the elephant in the room that you make jokes about.
Well, it's like not anymore.
It's a guy who's extremely overweight.
Yeah.
Generally speaking, at some point in his act,
we'll address the fact that he's extremely overweight.
It's very fluffy is what you're saying.
Well, it has to be addressed because everybody's thinking it.
Well, back in the 80s, like, you know,
most of the black congressmen would, you know,
come off with a, hey, be careful.
Only chipping the cookie.
Because I'm out.
I'll rob your car.
Whatever.
Some horse shit like that.
Right.
And now it's so far advanced over.
So maybe it was the Middle Eastern comedians that would get beyond that.
Because now a black comedian is expected.
It's not unusual.
It's not weird.
There's nothing bizarre about it.
But there was a time that you felt that same urge.
I remember seeing Todd Lynn, rest in peace,
right here at the Cellar, and he felt the need to go like,
why are you looking at me like, why is the bouncer on stage?
That is a remnant of that same instinct to address
why is there a big black man on stage.
Right.
Dante Nero had a very similar sort of thing.
And a lot of gay comedians
if they're gay in a way
that's obvious
shall we say
we're going to talk about that
but at a certain point it doesn't become as necessary
well it might not
maybe not necessary
maybe in Naples, Florida
we're speaking, I mean it's more indicative
of the audience members
than
even here in New York is Florida a big gay area?
Even here in New...
Is that a big gay area?
No, no, no.
I mean that it's unusual to have a Muslim or...
Oh, that's where this story was.
Look, even here in New York, if your name is Ahmed or Mustafa or Mohammed,
generally speaking, you're going to say something about it.
Who is buying a ticket to Ahmed Ahmed and can't handle that joke?
Well, that's another good point.
I mean, maybe they didn't realize that Ahmed Ahmed was a, I don't know.
It's an amazing name.
Pretty obvious.
If you didn't get it the first time, you got it the second time.
Ahmed?
Ahmed.
Oh, Ahmed, Ahmed, Ahmed, Ahmed.
Well, the good news is that the police, they came, they asked them a few questions.
I don't know why they even bothered coming.
I don't know what they asked.
What did they ask?
They probably said, are you planning a terrorist act?
He said no.
And they said, oh, okay.
I don't know what they asked.
I'm just...
I don't think it's going to be online.
It's pretty fucked up.
I'm sure it didn't feel great for Ahmed Ahmed.
But then they say, if you see something, say something.
Yeah, well, that's true.
So the audience sees.
Yeah.
Did they say that in Florida, though?
No, that's not what they said.
I thought they said, go to Disney World.
Stand your ground.
That's a Florida law.
Well, Ahmed, the good news is any publicity is good, they say.
Well, it's...
What do you...
Comedians Middle Eastern reference at Naples Comedy Club prompts 911 call.
Yes.
They called 911?
It's like the guys in Starbucks all over again.
While he was on stage?
Yeah.
Well, that's not what I read.
It doesn't matter. The point is they called the police. Well, I's not what I read. It doesn't matter.
The point is they call the police.
Well, I mean, it matters a little bit.
The point is they call the police.
Calling the police is different than dialing 911.
It's an emergency.
This guy just made a really bad joke.
I'm calling 911.
I sometimes call the police just to chat.
You don't need an emergency.
You can just be like, what's going on?
I was thinking.
A lot of people probably don't know how to call the police other than 911.
You know what I mean?
Even if it's not an emergency.
I've never called the cops on a white guy, and that annoys me.
You should start.
I haven't.
You know, from the history of white guys, I should call the cops all the time.
A white guy comes through, but I've never did it.
That's really funny.
That sounds like a bet.
Like, how do you call 911 on a white-collar crime?
Like, they're laundering money or embezzlement.
I don't know what it is.
But I never have.
We can make that happen.
Puerto Ricans, blacks, and white guys.
This is a really fucked up story.
It is fucked up.
Thank you.
Yeah, Danny's a dumb-born toy.
You were just the king.
Well, what else?
Ariel, being the voice of king.
What else would you like to discuss with regard to that story?
My point is terrorists don't do meet and greets.
We don't say death to America, but hey, can we take a selfie first?
Yeah, it's ridiculous.
It speaks, unfortunately, to the us versus them paranoia that we have in this country.
Wait a minute.
She's lusting after our bad man.
I didn't know what he looked like. He's minute. She's lusting after our bad man.
I didn't know what he looked like.
He's pretty good looking.
Yeah, he is good looking.
That is, come on.
That's a guy that opens a mutual fund for you.
That's not a terrorist.
Not that a terrorist looks like anything.
This is a tricky podcast, man.
I didn't know I was coming into a hotbed.
It's a hotbed. As I've said, we...
What if a madman turned out to be a terrorist? I know. Probably coming into a hotbed. It's a hotbed. Well, as I've said, we... What if a man turned out to be a terrorist?
I know.
Probably not a very good one.
This is the plot of Homeland, by the way,
that a terrorist doesn't...
This is what we're learning as a country,
that a terrorist is a person who does terror.
They don't look like anything.
My friend Azhar Usman, if we looked at a photo,
I'm correcting myself,
looks like if we were watching a 90s movie,
like a terrorist.
Big, big old beard.
He's a big dude.
Intimidating dude.
I love him to death.
One of the sweetest people in the world.
But who's committing terrorists?
Fucking white dudes.
White dudes are committing terrorists.
Well, that's what I was going to say with all due respect.
I love you and I think you're wonderful.
I look like a terrorist.
You're the one in this country who looks like a terrorist.
That's the point I'm trying to make and I thank you very much.
I know.
I'm agreeing with you.
Yes.
That's it.
It's me.
But nobody does that in this country, right?
We don't call white men terrorists, but most of the terrorists...
If I went on stage and was like, we should start a terror group, nobody's going to call.
Nobody's even going to laugh.
No, no, you're right.
It's true.
I just called 911 on Pete.
You got your wish.
You got your wish. You got your wish.
Well,
we do call them terrorists.
I think everybody
agrees and nobody disputes
that the bombers
from Oklahoma City, what was his name, Timothy McVeigh,
was a terrorist.
But if a guy's clearly just a
lunatic with no political agenda, then by
definition he's not a terrorist.
Yeah, but if your target is, you know, a black church or a mosque,
then it's an act of terror.
That is the political agenda.
If a white guy shoots up, you know, a Walmart and it's white people, then we can go, unfortunately, that's fucked up as well,
but it has less of a political motive.
But when racist people shoot up racial,
other races,
then it's definitely a different thing.
Yeah, well, that works.
The motivation is different.
We never call white men
who do those acts of terror, terrorists.
They're mentally ill,
or they have some other fucking bullshit.
Whatever we call them,
it's not like we're taking it easy on them.
They go to jail,
they get executed all the time.
No, you are taking the image.
The word terrorism
is taken on a certain connotation.
Yeah, a racist connotation.
It doesn't mean that white people that shoot up schools are treated kindly.
They're treated much better.
Well, Timothy McVeigh was executed.
Well, he's maybe the exception to the rule.
And that other guy was just sentenced to death.
What's his name?
One of the church shooters, I think, was just sentenced.
I forgot what his name was.
If you don't have that stigma on you of being a terrorist, it helps.
Well, I don't know that...
I want to see Pete stop more often at airports.
Ha-ha!
Man, the size of my body alone.
Are you stopped? I know you're not stopped for terrorism.
Are you stopped frequently as HBO's Pete Holmes?
Now we're into regular podcast questions again.
Thank God.
How often are you ready?
You don't want to ask me about stem cell research,
gay marriage, is there anything else?
We actually had Michael J. Fox on not that long ago
talk to him about stem cell research.
That's hilarious.
If no one were here, we would probably go into
Rashida Tlaib, or however you pronounce it, in Israel.
But he's not here, so we're not going to do that.
We'll save it for him.
We'll save it for another time.
You know where I'm famous
is this neighborhood
because it's the set of Crashing.
So if you saw,
obviously Jerry Seinfeld
is super, super famous,
but if he wasn't that famous
but he stood in front
of the restaurant
on the Upper West Side
from the show,
that's like me
walking around this neighborhood.
That's sweet.
This is where I'm famous.
Well, I get recognized
in this neighborhood.
On 14th Street,
I don't get recognized. I get recognized after this neighborhood. About 14th Street, I don't get recognized.
I get recognized after a show
when they say,
hey, weren't you just on the show?
Yeah, there you go.
By the way,
even then sometimes
they think I'm Lenny Marcus.
No, I walk around with it
like a video of me,
videotape of me crashing,
playing.
On an iPad?
They say, what's that?
Oh.
That's how I get recognized.
I want to hear about the fake Oh. That's how you recognize.
I want to hear about the fake steak.
I was eating a mushroom. I don't eat meat, so I was eating a portobello mushroom.
Oh, you're a vegetarian.
I'm a vegetarian.
Are you really?
I'm a vegan.
Are you a vegan?
I'm a flexible vegan.
What does that mean?
Oh, I love that.
Is that like a bicarious?
It's like, well, I am bicarious, and I don't eat meat or dairy, but I'm very lax about it.
Which means you do eat meat and dairy.
No, no, I'm pretty strict on meat, but I don't beat myself up,
and I wish more people would be open to that lifestyle
because veganism has looked at this club where it's like,
you're in, and then if you eat a cookie, you're out.
No, no, I'm like you.
And if more people, if you were vegan one meal a day,
and I'm vegan three meals a day most days,
and then occasionally maybe I'll have a cookie.
It's usually a sweet that I'll cheat for.
But you don't eat meat.
Or I'll eat sushi occasionally.
That's a cheat.
So I don't want to be put in any box.
But what I'm saying is most of the time I eat plants.
That's very good for my body.
That's very good for the planet.
That's very good for the global.
It's good for the animal.
It's good for the animal as well.
There's the ethical benefit.
So what's your main motivation
for being vegetarian,
vegan,
flexitarian,
whatever you want to call it?
I get high from it.
I think most people are sick.
They're eating
mass farm
fucking nonsense
and it makes them feel sick.
The meat industry
is horrific
in this country.
Well,
pink ooze,
Google it.
Pigs,
pigs smarter than dogs
and you're eating
this fucking nasty
nitrate antibiotic
cancerous bullshit.
It's fucked up
to the animal
and it's fucked up to you.
So what people don't know
and I wish people did know,
all day I've been drinking
because I'm doing press
all fucking day.
Smoothies, green juice,
that's all I'm eating.
Maybe some lentil soup
or something,
that's all I'm eating.
Keeps me high.
It gets you high. If you want life, eat life. Eat some lentil soup or something. That's all I'm eating. Keeps me high. It gets you high.
If you want life, eat life.
Eat some living things.
I talked to Colin Quinn.
I laughed right in his face.
I was like, you had a heart attack.
What are you doing differently?
He's like, I'm taking Lipitor.
I was like, eat some kale.
Colin!
You should be Kaelin Quinn.
How long have you been veganing?
It's only been maybe six years, five, six years.
Now, but in your previous life, when you were eating meat,
you didn't find a delicious steak or a cheeseburger to be a euphoric experience?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
There's no doubt about that.
But look at the animal.
Look at what you are.
You're eating something that's so dense in calories, your brain sends a signal.
Same with a milkshake that says, this is good, this will keep us alive.
But this is a caveman mentality.
You found something that's dense in calories,
it says, eat this.
We don't know when something like this
is going to come around again.
Now we're eating it three fucking meals a day.
This is why there's an obesity epidemic.
That's why there's a sugar addiction epidemic.
It's why our kids are fucking dying.
Everybody's pre-diabetic.
Everybody's pre-stroke.
Everybody's pre-cancer.
It's fucked up.
I don't care what gets you a good feeling.
But you said it gets you high to be a vegan.
Yeah, but I'm not talking about while I'm eating it.
I'm talking about all fucking day.
How do you feel 45 minutes?
You're high because you feel proud that you're a vegan.
No, because he feels it.
Well, I let him answer the question.
How does this dummy host a podcast?
I'm saying not while I'm eating it.
All day, day clean burning energy
entering my cells and fueling
me. The cheeseburger might taste
good but how's that bowel movement
like four hours later that you're pushing
for nine hours you diarrhea box
having person.
I don't think you're an idiot by the way.
I take offense.
I kind of like that.
When I'm at the table I like like that. I think it was... When I'm at the table, I like being mean.
I think it was craft services that was responsible for my diarrhea.
So the blame is squarely on the shoulders of HBO.
My show is not vegan.
It's very hard to be ethical in your food
because technically you shouldn't eat at a restaurant.
If you're into ethics of animals, which I am,
you shouldn't eat at a restaurant that's...
Because if you buy a salad at a steakhouse,
you're still giving money, more money than the salad cost,
that goes to the murder of animals.
So it's very, very hard.
That's why I'm trying to invite people into a more flexible,
not so black and white, not so binary,
like let's just start with what we can eat.
One thing a day.
I got one thing.
One day a week.
Now, Keith is a carnivore.
I am a carnivore, but I got one thing with you.
You had absolutely nothing on abortion.
And now I'm all about being in the band.
Yeah, I know, I know.
What about the animals, man?
No, he said he was pro-choice.
He said he was squarely pro-choice.
But if no one were here, and he's not here, but if he were here,
he would say, you're very concerned about animals, that's noble, but what about fetuses?
I love life.
I wish pro-life had a different thing.
I wish it was called pro-martialing women's bodies, you know what I mean?
Because it's bad marketing, or it's good marketing for them.
I am pro-life.
I think it's a beautiful thing, life.
I just had a baby.
It's one of the most beautiful things you can do. Do I think
that people should be conscious if
they get an abortion? Like, think about it and consider it
and consider their options? There's a line
as long as the Mississippi that will adopt your baby.
And listen to all the stories about people
that say they will give their baby up for
adoption and then they bond with the baby and then they keep
the baby and then they love the baby. There's all these
good stories for that, but do I think it should be
mandated by the state? Absolutely then they love the baby. There's all these good stories for that, but do I think it should be mandated by the state?
Absolutely.
Or by the country?
Absolutely not.
But yes, I'm pro, I'm into, let's say this,
I'm into life.
I love life.
This, this.
There you go.
I love animal life.
You know you're talking.
I love baby life.
You're talking like an idiot.
I love old lives.
I think old people in nursing homes deserve dignity and respect.
I think our elders deserve dignity and respect. I believe our babies deserve dignity and respect. I believe animals and plants deserve dignity and respect. I think our elders deserve dignity and respect.
I believe our babies deserve dignity and respect.
I believe animals and plants deserve dignity and respect.
But do I think it should be marshaled on a state level?
Now, are you really this positive, or are you on medication?
I'm on green juice, baby.
I still feel bad for calling you an idiot.
Every time we did a scene and I roasted you
and I'd call you a wooden puppet or wet lips or whatever it was, I'd feel bad as I was saying it.
And here I am again.
Well, you know, that's interesting because you were saying it was fictitious.
It was a TV show.
But you wouldn't have called me a wooden puppet if you didn't feel I had some physical qualities that resembled on some level a wooden puppet.
Yeah, that's true.
You know, it's like when a fat guy gets called for an audition and... And all the lines are...
I'm a fat guy.
Well, yes, it's fiction, but you're a fat guy.
And that's why you were called in for this audition.
Well, you most likely just said you sounded like an AM radio left on an old person's bed.
Well, but that's not an insult.
I take that as a compliment.
Whether you meant it as such, I don't know.
But I've devoted much of my life
to cultivating the AM radio voice.
Being a wooden puppet is not something
that I have cultivated nor desire.
Yeah.
Did he convert you...
To veganism?
Yeah, to somewhat think more about...
I am on board with vegetarianism,
maybe not veganism.
I think it's great for the environment, as you said, great for the animal,
great for everything. I can't do it.
You could do it. I can't. That's a cop-out. Of course you could do it.
That's a cop-out. I love meat and I became a vegetarian.
The meat and dairy industry creates more pollution than planes,
trains, and cars combined.
You see, I need that.
And when people are like, oh, in L.A., there's a drought, there's a drought.
I passed a billboard that says, you know, there's this campaign like, don't throw away your food, eat your food.
They were like, one egg, throwing away one egg wastes 52 gallons of water.
Eat your eggs.
I was like, shouldn't that sign say, don't make eggs?
52 gallons of water?
And I don't even have the stats, but when you get to a pound of beef, the amount
of water that this shit costs, it's fucking
crazy. I am paying more attention.
I do try. I am cutting down on my red meat,
both for health and environmental
reasons, but to go
completely veg or veed...
That's what I'm saying. Try it slowly, Dan.
I'm saying this with love.
I believe that to be vegetarian, you have to
be essentially a happy person.
That's hilarious.
Let's work on that.
Because if I'm happy, I don't need meat.
I got other things in my life.
But when all you have is that cheeseburger,
damn it, you're going to eat that cheeseburger.
I think you're going to love this because this is empathy for you.
Because remember, I ate meat for 36 years or more.
Or was it less?
So don't think that I'm demonizing you.
In fact, I have a bit.
Keith, my carnivore brother.
When I'm in New York, this bit kills.
I go, I'm a vegan.
People boo.
I go, I know, I know.
In New York is the only place where it does not make sense to not eat meat
because it's so hard to live here that when you get to the restaurant
after being on the J train and taking this cross town
and a cab splashes a puddle and a homeless guy throws up fire on your neck,
you're like, I made it.
Fuck you, chicken.
Give me that chicken.
It is so hard to be vegan here.
I completely empathize.
You go to L.A., it's sunny, everybody's wearing linen, we have tans,
and there's a juice place everywhere.
It's easy to be vegan.
So I empathize to everybody listening.
It's not easy.
All I'm saying is give it a try, maybe one meal a day.
I do one meal a day.
There you go.
Do you do Meatless Monday?
No, sometimes I don't eat meat at all.
See, that breaks my heart.
I don't like the guilt in it.
I'm like, I want to be happy.
But I just think it's also about the industry in this country.
Like, they're feeding us poison.
You can get sustainable.
You can even eat meat.
Isn't everything bullshit after a while?
I don't know.
Even the whole vegan thing.
Isn't that bullshit? Well, dude, if you want. Even the whole vegan thing. Isn't that bullshit?
Well, dude, if you want to talk about water.
Sometimes that seeps into whatever you're doing.
Almonds take a lot of fucking water to make.
Almond milk isn't great for the environment.
That's why oat milk is better.
So, yes, that's a beautiful point.
Everything is sort of fucked down to it.
I have a joke, too, where I'm like, a tomato would rather live.
It's not conscious.
It can't talk.
It doesn't make noise.
But it is life. It wants to talk. It doesn't make noise. But it is life.
It wants to be.
All life feeds on death.
This is what all the great myths are helping us cope with.
And we don't have good myths anymore,
so we're suffering as a people.
Sugar is fucked, too.
What about worse?
Anybody listening, please watch the movie Fed Up.
It's unbelievable.
It'll change your life.
And they make this point.
They were like, if another country was doing what we're doing to our own children, we'd go to war.
There'd be World War III.
The death, the disease, people getting gastrointestinal surgery at 14 that can kill you and often doesn't even work just to keep big fucking medicine going.
These people do not give a fuck about you.
And this is what's important.
The meat industry doesn't give a fuck about you.
Alcohol industry doesn't give a fuck about you. Alcohol industry doesn't give a fuck about you.
Tobacco doesn't give a fuck about you.
Carnival cruises don't give a fuck about you.
Dude, but it's important if you're following a dream,
so your dream is like I want to eat a good cheeseburger and feel that bliss,
at least make sure that you are the author of that dream.
Don't buy someone else's narrative of what happiness is.
Find your own and be conscious about it.
That's what I'm saying.
So like,
I stopped drinking,
for example,
it made me a lot happier
and a lot healthier.
You don't drink at all.
I stopped drinking.
It's been about a year and a half.
This despite the fact
they say that a glass
of red wine a day
is actually helpful.
Bullshit.
Well, you say...
Why do they say that?
Antioxidants, right?
I don't know why they say that.
Why don't they say grape juice?
You don't think there's
antioxidants in grape juice?
These studies are funded by the alcohol industry. You know what I'm saying? They don't they say grape juice? You don't think there's antioxidants in grape juice? These studies are funded by the alcohol industry.
You know what I'm saying?
They don't give a fuck about you.
They don't give a fuck about you.
This one has saved my life.
Well, Pete.
Well, maybe it does have a blood thinning quality,
but there are other things that can thin your blood.
Just as you weren't prepared to.
I must say, just as you weren't prepared to talk about abortion,
I'm not prepared necessarily to talk about the food industry.
I would have studied up on it.
Well, watch Fed Up and talk about it on your podcast.
Have you had the Impossible Burger?
Love it.
That's what I said.
It's amazing.
It is.
It's unbelievable.
Oh, wait a minute.
This is pissing me off.
Here comes Keith.
You two phonies.
I love it.
You two phonies.
Here it is.
Keith and Perry.
I like the Impossible Burger.
Then he wants a real burger I mean I want a pack of cigarettes
and like a pound of cocaine
but I stopped doing that
because it's going to fucking kill me
to Keith's point
that's why when you said I don't eat meat that much
it breaks my heart
I do want us to have love and compassion for each other
you know the assholes that stop smoking
and they start immediately telling people,
you know, that's killing you?
We need to remember when I'm talking to you and when I'm talking to you,
I'm talking to myself.
I ate meat the majority of my life.
But we can't become these preachy assholes.
Yosemite Sam on the island trying to convince himself that coconut's the best thing ever.
I like that reference.
I'm going to have to go into time to get it.
Well, Yosemite Sammy's like,
coconut cream pie and roasted coconut.
And he's like, I hate coconut.
But he's trying to convince himself that coconut is great.
Isn't that tempting, though, that you get an Impossible Burger?
If I eat an Impossible Burger with no meat,
I'm going to want meat sooner or later.
I'm going to want a real burger.. I'm going to want a real burger.
You're saying Impossible Burger is a gateway burger.
Yes.
I understand that.
I think you guys are fine as you are.
I don't want to change you.
And, you know, maybe give it a try.
See how you feel.
When you're ready, if you want.
Well, Pete certainly has an evangelical zeal with regards to health.
I have that problem.
He's very judgmental on it.
Oh, my God. I don't think he's judgmental.
I'll buy you a plate of wings right now just to prove it.
He's not judgmental.
He is evangelical.
It does remind me a little bit of a multi-level marketing pitch.
Yeah, you're right.
I could sell a timeshare.
We need to remember that we're full of shit. Vegans are
full of shit. You know what I mean? We need to remember
that we're all full of shit, and that's what's missing
from the vegan dialogue, is some
humility and some I don't know.
I just got a
signal from one of your team
that we need to wrap
things up. And some bacon
for you boys. We'll wrap it in bacon.
A fig for us, and we'll wrap it in bacon for you guys.
Thank you, Pete.
I think she's coming back to me.
Something about her lets me know she can be convinced.
I'm looking at her.
And cigarettes.
Yeah.
Once a smoker, always a smoker.
I will say, I think the last time I ate meat was in New York City,
and it was alone in my hotel, and I was like, fuck it the last time I ate meat was in New York City. And it was alone in my hotel.
And I was like, fuck it.
I want some chicken wings.
See, I agree that I feel like I like being a vegetarian.
But I like not being puritanical about it.
That's what I'm trying.
That's exactly my point.
Like when I was in Italy a few years ago,
I ate a piece of meat from the farm next to wherever the fuck I was staying.
And I was like, that's fine.
I think what we're doing,
if we do it consciously and deliberately
and with love and with compassion for ourselves
and for our predicament being in this world,
that's a beautiful thing.
You can almost do anything with compassion and awareness
and have it be okay.
That's kind of a weird thing to say, but it's true.
I also just want to plug my book, Comedy Sex God,
which we talked a little bit about.
Comedy Sex God, we talked about it.
It's basically what happens. It could
be called After Crashing. The fourth season of
Crashing. But it's not. It's called Comedy Sex God.
With a spiritual bent, but it's not as preachy as I've been
on this podcast.
Only towards the end.
Only towards the end. Right when I've got you, and you
have to finish it. You're like, this asshole.
But I gotta finish it. We invited you here to
be you. Had you come here without an evangelical bent zeal, I would have tossed you right out.
Thank you very much.
And Dan, I was kidding when I called you an idiot.
You're a sweet man and a funny man.
Okay, but now you're getting obsessive compulsive with your apologies.
That's true, and it's more about me than it is you, isn't it?
I want to sound nice more than receive the forgiveness.
Keith, thank you for coming down early.
We're taping early today because Pete was only able to come here at four.
Are you on the shows tonight, Pete?
Hey, man, I just want to go out
and buy the Comedy 6, Scott.
Thank you.
That's all I want to do now.
It's about you.
And you know you're raw-dogging it.
Chapter one, raw-dog.
And you can still listen to Keith.
If you haven't heard enough of Keith,
then you can never get enough.
He co-hosts Three Girls, One Keith with his dear friend Amy Schumer.
Rachel Feinstein.
And Rachel Feinstein.
And Bridget Everett.
Oh, those are three good.
Those are three great women.
You can't cut one half of the title.
Have you met the baby, by the way?
What's his name?
Jean Attell?
Jean Attell.
Jean Attell Fisher.
Lovely baby.
Well, our congratulations to Amy once again on the birth of her child.
Periel, whatever.
No, you're part of the show, so I don't need to thank you.
My baby's middle name is Lang.
And you have a baby, too.
Just kidding.
That was good.
For everybody who caught that, that was very good.
Pete brought the jokes.
All right, next time.
I think our next episode, is that with Adam Carolla?
Adam Carolla, yeah.
We're really on a Carolla.
Oh, bring up all the things you brought up with me with him,
and you'll get some dirt.
All righty.
Noted, noted.
He won't play it safe.
All right, thank you, everybody.
We'll see you next time.
Thank you.