The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Damien Lemon, Kat Timpf, and Pete Lee

Episode Date: January 19, 2018

Damien Lemon is a New York City-based standup comedian and the host of the TruTV show, "Comedy Knockout." He may be seen performing regularly at the Comedy Cellar.  Kat Timpf is a New York City-based Fox News pundit and standup comedian.  Pete Lee is a New York City-based standup comedian who may be seen performing regularly at the Comedy Cellar. He recently performed on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. This is The Comedy Cellar Show on Sirius XM 99, Raw Dog. And this is your host, Dan Natterman, which means, of course, that Noam Dorman is not here. I believe he is in Las Vegas. Is that correct, Mr. Calabria? That is correct. He is in Las Vegas because, as our listeners know, the Comedy Cellar is starting a room in Las Vegas.

Damien, did you know that? I didn't know that. Well, the Comedy Cellar will be starting a Las Vegas room. I believe it's opening in March. Comedy Cellar Vegas is coming. So that's something exciting going on. We have a guest co-host today, Miss Catherine Timp. Hello. I just told her she was co-hosting.

I hope you have no objections. I guess not. That's good. Now, as a co-host, your job mainly is to sit to my right. All right. I can handle that. I'm doing it already. And also to have a certain authority and command.

Oh, wow. Catherine, you, of course, know from Fox News. She's on the Kennedy show, I think, all the time. Gutfeld show. The Gutfeld? The Greg Gutfeld show. No, but you said you were on Kennedy. Yeah, I was on Kennedy yesterday.

In any case, she's all over the TV is what I'm trying to tell you. Getting it in. You're also a stand-up, right? I don't know if she's getting it in, but she's on the TV. Yeah, I've started doing stand-up again, actually. I'm doing that to myself. All right. I met her when she was there.

And this is Damian Lemon. Damian, how you doing? I'm chilling. How are you? Well, I'm all right. I'm all right. Now, I think you're making your debut on this show. Is that correct?

This is it. This is it. We'll see how it goes. This is my debut. So far, so good. I like the energy that you're bringing. I appreciate it, man. And I think we have a nice mix.

So anyway, I wanted to start off. Aziz Ansari was good enough to get himself embroiled in a controversy, and I thought that would be a good place to start off, because I consider this the podcast of record for all comedian sex scandals. Yeah, it has been. You know, we delved into Louis. We did a deep dive into Louis, and we got to the bottom of that, I think, pretty well. And has anybody read it?

This is Aziz Ansari. There was an article in Babe.com, which is some blog. Did anybody read it but me, Catherine? I read it, and I was like halfway through reading it, and I kind of was like, why am I still reading this? Why? Because there wasn't a lot of there there, or why? Part of it, yeah, and it also just felt very personal. It felt very personal.

I felt I owed it to Aziz to read it such that I could make a... Oh, Pete Lee is stopping. Pete Lee, somebody who... Is that Pete Lee or is my vision bad? No, that's your vision. That's just a guy. So just to summarize for our readers, if you didn't, apparently Aziz Ansari met a young lady at some party,

and they had a similar phone, so they started talking about the phone. I think it was a camera. Well, whatever. It's of lesser importance what the particular technological device was. Yeah. What matters is they exchanged numbers. They got together. They had dinner.

After dinner, she rushed him. He rushed her back to his apartment. There was no long walk along the water or what have you. I don't know if it was wintertime, but for whatever reason, there was no walk. Right to the apartment. And Aziz just started grabbing and... Fingers in the

throat. He put his fingers in her mouth. She didn't have any, it didn't seem to me, any strong objections, but she was uncomfortable. She had non-verbal hesitation, or she describes it as a non-verbal no, but I'm not sure what that means.

But she did give him a blowjob, which she says she felt pressured to do without elaborating on what constitutes pressure. In any case, eventually, she said, I'm not down. I don't want to have sex with you. And she went home in an Uber. So, anyway,

that's... Well, he texted her the next day, didn't he? Yeah, she texted him and he said, sorry. She said she felt uncomfortable and he said something to the effect of, sorry about that. Didn't realize it. Misread it. Something like that. Well, there's a lot of controversy

more so, I think, than in the other cases of sexual accusations of sexual inappropriate behavior that people are taking Aziz aside and people are not taking Aziz aside but there seems to be

a lot of division regarding this controversy. Yeah, you're opening it, keeping it light. So, Mr. Lemon. Yeah. From your point of view. My point of view. I wasn't there.

Well, no, you were not. But given the facts as stated on the record. In the article. Right in the article. What's the question? The question is, lay it on me. What are your thoughts? That's the question.

It feels, though, it feels like remorse. It don't feel like an assault. It feels like she realized maybe in the moment that she might have just been more of the same. You know what I mean? Like, it was like we came to the crib. We had a couple drinks. I moved you to my spot over here. We did what we had to do.

Came back to the spot. We moving. We doing what we do. It might be moving too swiftly for her. I don't understand. There was many points where she was like, well, I didn't know. I wasn't really into that. But then I did this.

And it was many moments where she could have just said, you know what, I'm cool. Or this is, you know what, let's slow down a bit. I'm about to leave. Blah, blah, blah. Something to that effect. Please don't put your fingers in my throat. All of that. All of that. Articulate. All of that. Well, I got into a Facebook argument

with her. By the way, I couldn't agree with you more, I think. But the way you talk, sometimes I don't quite understand. That's all right. Likewise. But the crib, I got that. That means your apartment. Yes, I don't believe... This doesn't read to me

like assault or anything of that nature. I think she was upset because she didn't get the Aziz gentleman treatment, which he reserves for, I would imagine, women that he's really, really into. He wouldn't pull this shit with Scarlett Johansson.

No, I don't get those. She calls it the worst night of her life. I don't know about that. You've probably had a pretty good life if that's the worst night of your life I've had worse nights this week The benefit of the doubt Editors usually write people's headlines

So it's possible she didn't write that headline It's just a clickbaity headline I thought she texted that to her friend This is the worst night of my life He doesn't come off looking like the nicest dude I'm not going to say that But I don't see where there's a salt He was not the most The most gentlemanly nicest dude. I'm not going to say that, but I don't see where there's a salt in there. I don't see where there's a salt.

He was not the most gentlemanly person. I'm sure Aziz can be a tremendous gentleman. Like I said, if he were taking out Kat Timp, for example, you know damn well he wouldn't pull that crap. I would say, please, get your fingers out of around my mouth area.

But he wouldn't have even taken you to his apartment. He would have said, Kat, I really like you a lot. Let's take a walk. Let's do this. Let's do that have even taken you to his apartment. He would have said, Cat, I really like you a lot. Let's take a walk. Let's do this. Let's do that. I want to see you again. He would have kissed you on the cheek and sent you home

because he would have wanted to see you again, a woman at your level. Perhaps. I don't know. You don't just take Cat Timf home for... I mean, you do if you can get away with it, but generally speaking... Well, this girl,

she approached him at a party. She pursued him. So it's, I mean, not condoning that necessarily, but is it off base to say that he probably had some sort of expectation as to how the night went down because she pursued him so vigorously? Yeah, and she met him at his apartment. He was like, come to my apartment. She was like, all right. Not that same night, though, was it?

It wasn't the same night. No, it was a few nights later. And then they went out to eat and then they came back. And then the big thing is is that they were making out and she put his, he put her,

his fingers in her mouth. Right. Which some, I was having a Facebook argument. It's weird. It feels weird. A V shape, it felt like that would be resistant.

Well, I feel like you'd hit your teeth. Right, right, right. But maybe that's a different move. You never know. But I was having a Facebook argument with some young ladies who were outraged that he would put his fingers in her mouth without explicit permission. To which I said, well, you're making out, you're naked, you try some shit. Right.

You know, and you don't have to ask every little incremental move. You know, if she didn't want to. That would be super weird. That would be really weird. I try to get the female perspective. That's one of the reasons I invited Kat down to the show, to get a female perspective on this. What do you make of that when you're, you know, with a man

and you're being intimate? I mean, you don't expect him to ask permission for every move that he makes, I gather. No, that would be very strange and weird. I feel like they were just both drunk. Maybe he couldn't read signals. Maybe he didn't care. I've been really big on all this Me Too stuff. I think that it's an epidemic.

And I think that it's a huge problem. And I think we need to talk about it. But then I read this. And as I was reading it, I was like, where's the thing that's assault? And you can, I think you should be able to say, okay, this guy was kind of an asshole to me. But why are you calling it assault? I don't see where the assault is. Because you went along with it the entire time.

You know what I read about in a lot of these stories? There's a common thread where women seem to go along with these sorts of things because they feel they don't know how to say no or they feel pressured. Some sort of... But that's the power dynamic. With the rest of these stories, it's like, okay, Harvey Weinstein had power over you. He's going to put you in a movie or not. But Aziz didn't have power.

You don't want to say no. But Aziz didn't, yeah. It was a photographer and they have no connection at work. They don't work together. He was going to put you in a movie or not. Aziz didn't have power. Yeah, it was a photographer. They have no connection at work. They don't work together. He's not her boss. So there's no power dynamic here. He's just a dude who's famous.

But just because there's no... Do you ever have... I've been reading about women. They say they have sex with men just because they don't want to say no. I don't do that. I've kicked guys out of my apartment and I've left apartments. I just don't do it.

I know a lot of women don't do that. But even if you don't, I don't do that. I've kicked guys out of my apartment and I've left apartments. I just don't do it. I know a lot of women don't do that, but even if you don't, I don't think it's assault. I can tell you women have no problem saying to me, no. Get that needle dick out of my face. But what do you make of all these women who say that, you know, if I didn't go along with it, I was afraid that I was going to

be killed or raped, you know. I think that's another thing, but I'm not really seeing that here. Well, not with Aziz. He's a smaller... So you're saying Aziz is not a hulking, masculine guy. She didn't say that. She didn't even say that herself. She didn't say, I didn't go along with it because I was afraid Aziz was going to murder me.

I'm sorry. I can't even say that. Now, here's the question. When she got into the Uber cab, because Aziz bought her an Uber cab home. Now, when the Uber driver saw Aziz's name popping up on the Uber account, did he say, you are third girl this week, I pick up at Aziz's house? No, probably not.

Why are they always crying? Uber pool. He didn't get her an Uber pool. That'd be a move, though. I have a question for Damien. So, you're a public figure. Is he? To an extent.

Now that I've done this podcast. Yeah, right. Now that you've done this podcast, right now that you've done this podcast you're a public figure and in what way and I guess this goes for you too Dan I'm not a public figure

this rash of stories all these stories that are coming out and this goes for Pete Lee too Pete Lee we're having a discussion can you guess

what we're discussing this could be fun what are we discussing you know what we're discussing what's big news right now in the comedy world? Fingers in the mouth. Could you please put them on? Could you speak into the microphone?

Is it fingers in the mouth? Yeah, yeah. Is that what it is? Right. That's what we're discussing. Well, not just the fingers, but the whole episode. So I wanted to know, these stories, all these stories that are coming out, how, if at all, have they affected the way that you now

approach romantic situations? Well, yeah, I'm single and I've been having a lot of encounters. Uh-oh. Encounters sound low. That don't always sound consensual, an encounter. I've been encountering women.

Oh, thank you. But yeah, I would say that in every hookup, I've been encountering women. Oh, thank you. But yeah, I would say that, you know, in every hookup, I've always been very respectful and I've always said like, hey, is this okay? And, you know, like, hey, can I take off your shirt? And I've asked almost every step of the process. That's even creepier though. Can I take off your shirt?

No, I mean, but I would say that it used to be creepy and now girls are going like, oh, you're a respectable guy, and this is okay. Whereas they used to be like, yeah, just take off my shirt. You know, like... You start... No, but Pete, you start... When you put your hand... You put your hand, and you start to lift it up. You don't take it off so fast that they don't have time to say...

You pull it up slowly, and then see what goes... You don't say, might I take your shirt off now? But at least with the women that I've been with, they like it. They're like, hey, I like that you asked. I've actually heard that. I know that Lemon don't play that. My counselor. Yeah, you know,

it's about rhythm. Rhythm, thank you. This is what Pete Lee doesn't understand. Rhythm. It's about rhythm, but to your point, I'm not going to go all the way through like a procedure, okay, I'm about to But to your point, I mean, I'm not going to go all the way through like a procedure. Okay, I'm about to unfasten your bra. But every so often, if we not, like if you could feel it, but if it feels like things are slowing down, I'll ask flat out, are we good?

Is everything all right? And you went, you know what I mean? Well, if you sense hesitation, but you would never say, can I take your shirt off now? And this button? And what about this button? No, I'm not exactly. Right, you do one button. You do one.

That's why you do one button at a time. So that when it gets to the button that you don't want, she can say, that's one button too many. I get it. I just resent the idea. God damn, you say what? Yeah, I just resent the idea that, like, as a woman, I'm not ever able to say no. Like, we're all so weak that I can't just be like, no, I don't want you to touch me. No, I don't want you to do that. You can say no. Right, exactly, but I feel like this

is saying that you should assume that every woman that you're with is too scared to say, no, I actually don't feel like fucking you. Right, which is, you know, that's crazy. Most women will say, nah, I'm good. Yeah, I have no problem saying that. It'll be that clear. We're not fucking tonight. We could do this. They might give you a

menu of options, or it is what it is. It's just going to be what it's going to be. When you look at Kat Timpf, you know one thing. This woman is not to be messed with.

No. You know, she's got the glasses and the confidence. Yeah. And I think that it's very clear that you don't pull

that shit with Timpf. Well, I mean, like I said earlier, if there's a power dynamic between the two people, then it makes sense. But if there's no power dynamic and you're just hooking up, it's a lot different.. Well, I mean, like I said earlier, if there's a power dynamic between the two people, then it makes sense. But if there's no power dynamic and you're just hooking up, it's a lot different. Like this, I'm like, how

is this assault? I don't see that as assault. And I've been big. I've written a lot of columns on the Roy Moore shit, even the Roger Ailes shit. I work at Fox, so I'm consistent about this kind of thing. The Harvey Weinstein stuff, that stuff's different because there's a power dynamic. This is just two

drunk people. Yeah, I agree. Paley, you can take off your jacket if you'd like. Yeah, it's very warm in here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let us know. Let us know if you're okay. You didn't ask. I did ask. I said, you can if you'd like.

No, he told me, and now I'm going to blog about you. I said, lose the jacket. And now Pete feels uncomfortable. The thing is, some people are so hitched on to this that I think that they would stand in your corner. They'd be like, you mean you were forced to take your jacket off in front of all those people?

There's going to be an article tomorrow on Babe. There's a power dynamic because I am the host of the show. Yes, you are. Albeit Pete Lee has more credits in the non-podcasting world, I think. I don't know about that. You've done a of the show. Yes, you are. But I think that it's... Albeit Pete Lee has more credits in the non-podcasting world, I think. I don't know about that. You've done a lot of things.

But I would also say that me asking girls those questions along the way also depends on what I generally know about them. I have a friend who's very active in feminism. She's really into the Me Too stuff. We were making out recently. That's some friend. Yeah. And we started to hook up, and she was like, whoa, whoa, I'm not ready for this.

And I was like, oh, okay, that's all right. And this is a real story that I'm going to tell. I don't think I should tell it, but I will. I hate podcasts like that. You're going to get her consent. Go ahead. think I should tell it, but I will. I hate podcasts like that. Get her consent. So I backed off and then she started coming after me again and then things

started to happen and she's like, whoa, whoa. I'm not ready for this. And I was like, okay, cool. I'm cool. And then she tried to start things again and I was like, no, let's just chill out. We need to just chill out. And she's like, why? And I go, because this is really confusing to me, because, you know, like, we put the brakes on.

There was a big stop sign, and I respect that. But, like, I'm also, like, my dick was like, no. Like, absolutely. Like, my dick wasn't even going to respond the next time. I don't know how I should feel about Pete talking about his dick. So how did the story end? It's a lot of character. We got together again. The same

thing happened again. My best friend is a comic and she was like, never hang out with her again. You're about to get yourself blogged about. You're about to get yourself in trouble. You've done everything by the letter of what's right and what to do.

You just can't go for this again. You're about to get blogged about. But on the other end of it, there's a girl that I hook up with that's really into S&M, and I was asking her, I'm like, hey, can I take your pants off?

Like, is this cool? Is this whatever? And she's like, Pete, I'm used to guys hitting me. She's like, you could hit me and it'd be alright. And then just to be funny, I smacked her across the face really hard. And she was like, oh, I loved that. Like, it was the best thing that I possibly could have done. And I did it as a joke. And it was a risk in the moment, just smacking her across the face.

Yeah, it's always a risk to hit someone in the face. Yeah, but she was so into it and loved it. Well, this is what separates Pete Lee from Ryan Hamilton. Both nice guys, unassuming, but Pete Lee smacks a bitch. Yeah. Out the blue. Yeah. Out the blue.

Yeah. But it turned out that the blue. Out the blue. Yeah. But it turned out that the smack was consensual. I guess she told me that she liked that a second before I did it. But she just would have never expected it from me. Well, there you have it. Exclusive Pete Lee. Beats women. Is that what you wanted to say?

Yeah. Damn it. I wouldn't be a wife beater. I'd be a date beater, right? Well, whatever. I don't want to get... Yeah, certainly. I mean, you'd still be a sexual assaulter.

Or does that even count as sexual assault? That's just a regular assault. That's just a regular... Pete just punched a person. I want to... Unless we... I think we've... You know, analyzed this fairly well.

I did want to talk about Kat's return to the world of stand-up because I saw you on the schedule the other night. Yeah. And I met Kat. She was a stand-up. That's how we met. And then she kind of dropped out of stand-up to pursue punditry. True.

Do you watch Fox News, Damien? No. Not really. But I do fit the profile. I can see you doing your thing on there. You got my glasses and my face. You got the blonde. Fake hair.

Yeah, but you're doing it. Yeah. I'm really in there. She's in there. And I thought she had abandoned the world of stand-up for good. I thought I had, too. Which is what I'm looking for. Yeah, I thought I had, too.

But then I see her on the schedule the other night doing stand-up. And I didn't catch your act. But what brought you back to the stand-up? Aruba Ray asked me to do a couple minutes. Oh, God. Enter Ray Allen. And I did. I did.

And it went really well. So now I'm, like, doing it again. That was for the pilot that we're doing? We're doing. Damien, are you? I'm not. Tell me. We're doing a pilot.

You and Kat. Not me and Kat. No, the comedy cell is doing a pilot with Comedy Central. We're in. You remember the show Best Week Ever, right? Absolutely. I would say it's like Best Week Ever meets... What's a stand-up show?

It would be like... Best Week Ever meets Evening at the Improv. That's an old reference, but you get the idea. In other words, we're looking at the week, and comics are talking about what happened that week in the news, be it Trump's latest scandal or Prince Harry getting married, and the comics are doing their jokes about it. So what Comedy Central did is they filmed a Friday night,

a Saturday night, and a Sunday night here at the Comedy Cellar, and they're going to then make it, and they're going to cut it up into sections, like here's a section about Trump, here's a section about Prince Harry getting married, whatever, with some maybe interstitial conversation, and that's the pilot. Now, were you away this weekend?

Is that it? I was definitely there. Or is this going to get awkward? No, I mean, it is what it is at this point. It's very awkward. I'm very upset about the whole thing. But that was a non-airing pilot, and once it gets picked up, you're going to be involved in it. Once it gets picked up.

If it gets picked up, and we're hoping for the best, I no doubt that Damien will be very much involved. I hope so. We'll see. But that's what was done over the weekend. So, Kat, Aruba Ray apparently, Aruba Ray is like one of the producers of the show. Okay. You know Aruba Ray? Nah, but he sounds like a fun guy. Aruba Ray is like one of the producers of the show. Okay. You know Aruba Ray? Nah, but he sounds like a fun guy.

Well, Aruba Ray sounds like he's Ray Allen. You may also know him under the name Ray Allen. Oh, Ray Allen. Okay. How did he get the name Aruba Ray? He's in Aruba all the time. He's in Aruba all the time. Really?

He wears Aruba hats and it's just a lot of Aruba going on. Have you been to a stand-up show? No, I've never been to Aruba. He produces a show in Aruba. Okay. I think I've heard about it. I didn't know that was his show. Has he ever invited stand-up show? No, I've never been to Aruba. He produces a show in Aruba. Okay, I think I've heard about it. I didn't know that was his show. Has he ever invited you to the show? Again, awkward.

Again, awkward. Keep bringing this. Damn it. I only do that with Damien because his career is going so well. So you want to bring him down a peg. I can rib him gently. You understand? Yeah, Damien, we all got gold.

You're like, I spoke to your father last week. Did he call you? No. Sorry. I'm sorry to hear about that. What were we about to say, Pete? So, Kat, you... Well, Kat...

So, Aruba Ray called you? Facebook message was how it went down. That's important in the story. Well, that's not really important. Because we started making fun of... We were friends on Facebook. Because, remember, we were all making fun of one of his Aruba posts last time I was here. Oh, my God.

The sunset one. The sunset one. It was atrocious. It was awful. We should cut that in, actually. Sorry, go ahead. Yeah, we should cut that in. I'll do a dramatic reading.

Oh, a reading of his Facebook post? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's set. I want a Tracy Morgan reading of his Facebook post. As I was staring at the sunset. Oh, it was real bad. I saw a dolphin. Last time I was here, I sent it, actually.

I sent the post, just the post by itself, to about 15 of my friends. And it was like, what do you think of this post? And they were all like, what the fuck? You know what was weird was I was with him like two days before that post, and we were sitting in the water watching the sunset. In Aruba.

Yeah, in Aruba. And at one point, Noam called me over to a table back there, and they were all ripping on Ray, and they're like, isn't this the worst thing? And I just didn't want to admit, like, well, I was kind of with him for maybe that moment.

I think I was there. I was at that table. You were his muse, apparently. Aruba Peak. Yeah, Aruba Peak. Kat, what did, so what did you discuss? What topics?

Were you given topics to discuss in particular? No, I did a couple, did you discuss, what topics, were you given topics to discuss? No, I did a couple like Trump North Korea stuff and then I just mostly did like self-deprecating stuff and whatever else. I'm, you know, whatever. And you say it went well. It went well. Like I was terrified. I like literally posted on Twitter. I was like, haven't been on stage in a year and a half.

I'm about to go bomb right now. Like I thought for sure I was going to bomb, and I didn't. Yes. Did Estee invite you to put in the veils for this club? No, not yet. But I've got some other stuff coming up now, too. Wait, so your first setback from not doing stand-up was taping? At the comedy set.

Yeah. Wow, you swing for the fences. That matters. That was Aruba Ray's doing. What motivations Aruba Ray has are unclear. I'm going to start jogging again. How about at the Olympics?

Pete, you did it as well. I did it as well. Don't worry, Damien. We'll get to your stuff. I did the taping as well. I thought it was really fun. I wrote a bunch of new jokes for New Joke Night that were topical, which I normally don't write topical stuff. And then, you know, the crowd was receptive to about three out of seven of my things

during the taping. And so I think there's a chance that something will make it in. Well, you know, I did it too, and I had a couple of jokes. And I did find that myself was nervous because doing new jokes at the comedy cellar in front of a full room makes me nervous. I prefer to do new jokes in front of a smaller crowd. Right. But

I don't know how you feel about that. Not to be on television. Not to be. And also because I feel, and this is me, I'm going to reveal. Go ahead. I'm going to get a little bit raw here. Let's go. I don't feel Comedy Central likes me. They certainly have not

indicated great love for me. Why do you say that? Because they haven't given me my due. Where's my hour special? Where's my, you know... But that doesn't mean necessarily that they don't like you. But they don't love me. They probably consider me an older guy who's not a young hip guy.

Who's long past his prime. Whatever, you know. So I feel like if I don't do a good job, they're going to say, well, yeah, duh. I mean, of course he didn't do a good job. He's not young and hip. No, I would think it would be the opposite. You have experience, and so you're that much less likely to bomb. Anybody can bomb on any given night, especially with new jokes.

So my point is that I feel like I've got to be twice as good. Mm-hmm. You know? To beat the white man. To beat the white man, exactly. Absolutely. Come on now. We know. You know, because I'm not some of the people that they really, really, really like at Comedy Central. That's interesting. some of the people that they really, really, really like at Comedy Central. I don't mention any names, but

the younger dudes that they seem to love. So I felt that extra pressure. In any case... Damien, you feel that pressure when you go up on stage when you're the only black guy on stage or on the lineup? You bring it extra because you're the only

non-white person? No. I haven't felt like that in a long ass time. No, I'm just going to be me. I'm doing, I got to do my thing. I don't even look at it like that. I mean, we're talking about Aziz earlier. I want to thank Aziz because Aziz makes me work harder.

Because when, I don't know if we, for the same reason, but not because Aziz is so incredibly brilliant necessarily. He's a fine comic, no question about it. But the fact that he's famous makes me, and I can't, I'll never be more probably more famous than he is, but I can control killing as hard as he does. Right. And I don't want the audience to leave thinking, well, now I know why Aziz is famous and that other guy nobody's ever heard of. I don't want them to say that. I want them to say, to be honest with you, that other guy was just as good or better than Aziz.

That's all I can control. I don't know if that resonates with anybody. Absolutely. Hell yeah. Because there's part of you that's like, you hear that pop that he get. Right. And you're like, hold up. Let me let them know I get busy too.

Let them know that just because they've heard of him doesn't mean that I can't bring it as hard. That sounds like opportunity for new fans. Yes. Every time you hear, ho, ho, you heard that Aziz pop, you're like, wait a minute. That sounds a little, sounds like I could add to my Natterman boom. I gave you a boom. You got a pop. I guess you.

Go with a boom. A boom is more seismic and it's developing. So it's not over. That is correct. So you think that makes you a better comic then? I think anything that makes me work harder, it makes me a better comic. Pete Lee makes me work harder. Because I me a better comic. Pete Lee makes me work harder because I'll be damned. I'll be damned.

If Pete Lee is going to outshine me. But I think that we all. I think it's ego, though, too. It is ego. I'll say that. It's definitely ego. I mean, I followed Matteo Lane last night down at the Cellar, or two nights ago. And, I mean, he crushed.

And he's my friend. I love him dearly. But my ego was like, well, I'm not going to be outdone. I love him dearly but but my my ego was like well I'm not gonna be outdone I gotta I gotta go up after him and destroy and it was it was honestly hard in the first two minutes I was the crowd was noticing that I was killing like or from their eyes they were eyes and ears they were like Pete's killing but in my mind I was like I'm working 30 times harder than I normally have to uh to get them used to me and into me. But, yeah, I mean, I love that.

Have you guys noticed that people bring cupcake openers on the road with them, people that they can follow? I'd rather have somebody that's very strong that makes it so difficult for me. On the road, I prefer a cupcake. On the road, I'm there to do a job and to make money. I'm not there to grow artistically. The road to me is just doing the job, getting the check. I don't grow artistically on the road. You don't want to be outshined.

I don't want to be outshined on the road. Let me ask you this. How often you went up after Mateo, he destroyed, right? You go up after Aziz, he destroys, right? Your whole point this night, it's Wednesday, you know what I mean? Your whole point this night was to work out these two new bits that you really, you're going to sandwich your men. He just destroyed.

Do you toss that shit and you say, fuck it? Or do you commit to the new bit? No, no, I do the new bit because destroying with old bits is not, Right. is not, It's a crutch. destroying. It's a crutch. No, no.

When I say destroy, I got to do some new shit, you know, because otherwise it's not satisfying. But to your point, on a 15 minute set, So you got to destroy

with new shit to even feel the destruction. That's correct. I like that. Yes, indeed. Because Aziz is doing new shit. Right. So if I destroy with old shit,

I know, the audience might not know, but I know what I've done. I know indeed. I hear that shit. Because Aziz is doing new shit. Right. So if I destroy it with old shit, I know. The audience might not know, but I know what I've done. I know I've been a bad boy and relied on old shit. Right. And it don't feel good. Nah. Kat, do you have something to say about this? You're being silent.

I mean, I don't really know what to say. When I did this on Sunday, I did like half new things, and I just sort of wrote in a day and I was pretty fucking scared let me ask how long how often when you said all right I don't do comedy anymore how often would you still say I gotta write a little yeah all the time okay all the time because I did miss it sometimes but you so we really you never really quit quit you just stopped performing but you were still yeah I was still writing stuff okay so yeah that's where comedy's an addiction I never understand it when people go yeah I quit

I'm like you never quit you always see something and you go oh that's a bit or that's a joke or a one liner and how do you how does a great one liner

come into your head that you know is original and you don't write it down and have the urge to try it like that it never goes away well half my twitter is like not even it never goes away well half my twitter

is like not even about politics like you look at my twitter and i work at fox news and you'd be like what is this shit yeah i mean i don't know do people give you flack for that because they have an expectation of you oh yeah like i mean like you mean people in the comment section type of shit yeah absolutely of course they do idiots idiots and it's always grammatically incorrect and like whatever nobody can tell you seriously now and like all that kind of stuff. But I don't know. Well, you're trying to straddle two worlds.

You're trying to be a pundit, which requires a certain seriousness. I don't think it should. I don't think it should. So you're trying to flip the script. Yeah. I think you could do that. I think everything's different in the news now. Like, the news isn't objective anymore. It's like you

pick a narrative. You know what I mean? You want to feel how you want to feel. You tune in to these people over here. You know what I mean? People don't just report the news. This is what happens. This is what happens. This is how you should feel about the shit. You know what I mean? Well, I think also the Daily Show has kind of made

comedy slash news a thing. So now everybody in the news, it's like now news and stand-up are sort of all melded together, which is why maybe this show on Comedy Central, that Damon will certainly, no question about it, be involved with, why it may just be a huge hit.

It may. I don't know. Are you feeling it, Calabria? I mean, well, the question, I guess, goes to you guys. Do you think that stand-up comics are going to, week after week, want to generate new material? Because it must get annoying.

If it gets on the show and we can make money and get on a TV show, absolutely. And it would be fun to do so. We'd be getting paid scale. Scale on a weekly basis to come up with a handful of new bits. I would probably develop a strategy. I'd be like, well, I'm going to

work them out on Monday. I might start trying them out on Saturday night in the middle of my headlining sets on the road. I would work at it like it was a job and probably take it way more seriously than I did the pilot. Yes, I would do that too. I think it would motivate me more. Now, Damien,

you're no stranger to television. I understand that I don't watch it necessarily, but that you have a TV show. I do. That's the funniest question I've ever heard. He has a very successful TV show that just did

its second season. Don't go by me. I'm mostly just watching Black Mirror these days. Don't even worry about it. Of course you are. Of course you're a Black Mirror guy. John Mayer, I understand that you play music. I've never necessarily heard it.

Well, I am a little bit out of the loop sometimes. But this TV show, per se. This program. It's on the, I believe it's on the True. On the True Network. True TV, which is a television network. Right. I got this for doing his show.

He's got some swag. I'm literally wearing the shirt that I'm wearing. And this show goes by the name of... You can do it. Comedy Knockout. Comedy Knockout. And the premise is... The premise is basically

to make the people just make the... Just get the best laughs in the room. Win that live audience. Make me laugh. We set up comedians with various little jokes,

which are basically set-ups for comedians to just riff and be funny. Is it a roundtable? It's like a panel show. So how to start is three comedians will go up, play various games, similar like we'll have a game like What Not to Say, right? So What Not to Say, when you're going through TSA,

you step up and you say What Not to Say, something that, you know. And it's got to be completely improvised off the cuff? It could. I mean, it should have the feeling of you performing it for the first time. Now, obviously, you're going to write something. You get the packet maybe a week prior. So, if I just, off the top of my head, I would think, would not to say, Allahu Akbar.

Exactly. You know, peace be upon you. Right. Anything Muslim-y. If you want to go that route. Might be something that you would. That's if you want to go with that. That might be something you wouldn't say at TSA.

Yeah, and it's a bunch of different things. That's where it goes. I'd probably do better if I had a few more days to work it through. Absolutely. But that's just off the top of my head. You know what I mean? But, well, this sounds like a fascinating show. It's a great show.

It's so fun to do. You had fun on there, Pete? I had so much fun on there. The last, I taped a couple episodes this time, and then the last crowd that we had was kind of a stinker of a crowd, which is uncommon for that show because the warm-up guy, Mad Dog, is so funny. What, Mad Dog Mattern? Yeah.

James Mattern. He doesn't go by Mad Dog no more. I know. I still call him Mad Dog. Well, he don't like that. He don't like that shit. You got it. James Dog.

He does not like. James Dog. Mad Dog. James Dog, Mad Dog James Dog Mad Dog Jamie Mattern I'm going to get an email from him But anyway But even with that

Are you a writer for that show? I know you write on TruTV No, Greatest Ever So anyway, you're on the show Even with that stinker of a crowd It was so fun because like we had fun you have fun with the other two

comics that you're on the crew is so great the crowd got better and then the show that I taped before that one where the crowd was electric the whole experience was like you didn't want to leave at the end of the episode it's so fun and then they do this thing at the end where the person that comes in second has to read an apology that's pre-written.

So it's a contest? Yeah, it's a contest. A fake contest. You know, it ain't no real stakes. Basically, the first person that loses, it's three contestants, right? That are all comics. All comics. First person has to sit amongst the crowd.

You know what I mean? So that's that. And then it goes head to head. There's one winner who gets a trophy. You know, a comedy knockout trophy. The other person has to read an apology for being terrible at comics. That's pre-written by the writers about them. And the third person is executed.

Oh, yeah. We beat them with whips and shit. It's ridiculous. I have to say this show sounds wonderful to watch. I don't know that it's a good fit for me. You had so much fun. The whole time he was just wondering if it was a good fit for him. I don't like it.

That's what this was all about. It wasn't what it's all about, but it is something that needs to be addressed. Let's address it. I just don't love competition. I hear you. You know, among comedians. We all do our thing. You know. But you do though. I never had a... Well, you know because among comedians. We all do our thing, you know.

But you do. I never had a, well, you know, because I was saying earlier. You just said that about Aziz. Yeah, because I'm contradicting myself. Don't you understand? We'll have you on his show with Aziz, and then you'll want to compete. Aziz has been waiting. That's basically the reason he hasn't done it yet.

He's like, I want to get an admin. He wants me in the room. He wants me in the room. We've got to score to settle. Well, interesting, interesting. Well, you're not inviting me, but I'll take it under advisement if you do. I wouldn't close it off out of hand, necessarily. I'd have to discuss it with Aziz, obviously.

Yeah. With Aziz, yes, of course. But, Dan, you've never done a show like that? Aziz is probably in Italy right now because that's what, you know, when you're in trouble, anytime you get into trouble, you go off to your happy place. And I think Aziz's happy place is Italy, as I understand it. I know he has a home there. Yeah, he has a home there.

He likes Italy for some reason. I think because people don't recognize him there is why he likes Italy. They're also tan in the Mediterranean. I would love to be that rich. Yeah. I'd love it. What, just escape to Italy? You would love to be that rich. Yeah. I'd love it. Or just escape to Italy. You could go to Italy for a couple weeks.

You don't have to stay in... Aziz probably has a palazzo, but you could stay at an Airbnb. I could do that. But you're right. That would be great. Like, oh, I'm in the middle of a terrible scandal. I need to go to Italy. Right.

It's like you feel bad for these people. I'm not saying I'm definitely in Italy. I'm just supposition on my part You could go to Italy without a scandal Don't limit yourself Just get the money together It could be a beautiful thing It could be even better

It's not a refuge But if he could trade lives with me He'd be like, I'm not living in that one bedroom apartment I'll take this every day Whatever it is in Italy Your one bedroom versus his scandal He would pick the scandal Of course he would this every day, whatever it is in Italy. Your one bedroom versus his scandal in Italy? He would pick the scandal. Of course he would

because the scandal will probably blow over soon enough. It's not Louis C.K. level and even Louis wasn't Weinstein level, so there's degrees. So I think that Weinstein is done for good. Louis is done for probably a couple

years and Aziz will be back next week. He'll be on the podcast. Yes. But if you want to go to Italy, I'm sure you have the money to do it. I could go to Italy, sure. And do it in Airbnb. And it wouldn't be, like I said, the most luxurious thing in the world. But you'd have a good time.

Maybe. This sounds like one of those radio reads where they're actually promoting the Italy Tourism Board but we just did it organically. This project has been brought to you by Italy and by Uber. You need to send a young lady home in tears. Uber. Pete Lee just did an episode.

One of the reasons I wanted him on the podcast is to discuss the recent episode that he did of the Late Night Show with Jimmy Fallon. Last week we had on Gary Veeder, who had just done Colbert.

And so this week we're continuing on that theme. Kat Temp is on her phone texting Aruba Ray. Congratulations, Pete. My dad texted me. Is he okay? He's doing all right. You mean the reason why you did stand-up just texted you? My dad. The inspiration for all

our insecurities. It's nice that you have a nice relationship with your father, but we do have a show to do, Catherine. Sorry. And you are the co-host. Oh, I forgot about that. Oh, you're the co-host. And you are the co-host. Oh, I forgot about that. Oh, you're the co-host.

Apparently. Official guest co-host. That's correct, which is why she's seated to my right. She's my right-hand man. You know, in The King, his most important nobles would sit on his right. That's why we have the expression right-handed. I didn't know that. Is that right? That's the reason why.

Yeah? Yes, it is. And why on his right? Because, you know, the right hand for most people is their dominant hand. Anyway, you learn so much listening to this show that you won't learn on other podcasts. She is your Alexander Hamilton. To your George Washington.

I suppose. Yes. Anyway, Pete Lee, the Fallon show, did you catch it, Damien? I did not, but I seen him preparing for it. Oh, yeah. Well, he's been preparing for it his whole life. Right. I do that as well where I see the person run the set so many times around New York that I'm like, I don't need to watch it.

Right, right, right. I totally saw it. But, yeah, it was phenomenal. And I felt even more comfortable this time. No. Yeah, you know, the weird thing about, the weird and wonderful thing about Jimmy is that he comes into your dressing room for like 20, 30 minutes beforehand and just talks to you and makes you feel comfortable and jokes around with you so that, you know, when you go out versus, you know, when I did Letterman, I walked out there.

Well, he could care less if you dropped dead. Yeah. I walked out there and I felt nervous. Like, oh, my God, there's Dave. I'm finally seeing Dave. Oh, my God, there's the band. And with The Tonight Show, you go out there and you're like, oh, it's Jimmy again. Right.

Like, he's my friend now. And Dave Letterman, when you do Dave Letterman, Dave, I think, was the best in the game. So, you know, I have to say that, preface it with that. But as far as the comics, I didn't get the impression he really wanted us there. We'd go, we'd do our set, and he'd come over and say, thanks for coming,

and then he'd basically turn his back and walk back to the chair. And it was always my impression that if the next day somebody came in and said, hey, you know, Dave, that comic we had on last night, he was hit by the car leaving the studio. I always thought Dave would be like, oh, well, you know. Who? We had a comic on yesterday.

Right. Yeah, I didn't, I don't, but whereas Conan comes and sits, you sit on the couch and he talks to you. Mm-hmm. So after your set, did you sit on the couch? Yeah, I got the symbolic wave over to the couch. Well, that was a thing with Johnny.

I don't know if that's still a thing or not. I don't know. I'm counting it. It was something that when I started comedy in 1998, I wanted that to happen for me. Did you talk on the air afterwards? No, I just said thank you to him. I think that's the only thing my mic picked up.

But, yeah, Jimmy was incredibly complimentary. And, you know, I'm working on this in therapy that, like, I can deal with negativity because my inner voice is very negative to myself. But when people are, you know, overtly positive with me or when things are going really well in life, I don't know how to deal with that. Right. with me or when things are going really well in life, I don't know how to deal with that. So, you know, it was, I was kind of using up all my defense mechanisms just to say thank you and, you know, be really happy about it and go with it. And, you know, Jimmy's so comfortable complimenting people that it felt, it really did feel amazing. And I was really trying to experience it all, but I couldn't, you know. You don't like compliment. You don't like winning. I do like winning, and I do like compliments, but I guess I'm just not

accustomed to it. I think that as comics, you might have been winning before you started comedy, but you either win or lose with your audiences each night, and then you live in a shithole for years, and then you struggle with poverty, and then all of a sudden things start

to really happen, and it's's good and you go, well, how do I get used to this now? Because it's been decades. I've been, Monday was my 20 year comedy anniversary and so it's really been two decades of... Yeah, but you've been doing well for probably 10 years in terms of making a decent living.

Yeah, I've been doing well for about five years and in there there was a divorce and then I lost almost everything and now I rebuilt and now I'm great. But yeah, it's a process of just appreciating that. And I'll admit, I was pretty woke up and I, this was the thing that cracked me as I got on Facebook and several friends kept texting me like, have you been on Facebook? Have you been on Facebook? And I thought, Oh no, you know, somebody, somebody, uh, saw my credit card chip reader bit and you know, is accusing me that it's a rape joke or something like that, you know, some scandal. So I looked on there and then I saw that my video was up to 1.9 million views and I was like, what? And people

were sharing it and the comments were all positive. And I just started crying. Like I just started crying. Like what? I don't, I don't even, that broke all the defenses that broke all of it. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, and now I think I've, you know, I've thought about it a lot. I've dealt with it. Like, I'm very happy about it. I'm in a really good place, but, um, you know, uh, I wish that my, I wish I had more of a bro-y sense of it, where it was like, yeah, man, got a lot of applause, crushed, fuck yeah. And this is what separates you from Aziz Ansari. Yeah, yeah.

And the people that, well, I don't know Aziz Ansari, but I get the sense that he feels like he deserves it. Yeah. I don't know that for sure, but I think a lot of people that do make it big, it was never a question in their minds. Yeah. That they had this coming to them, you know?

Right, right. I don't know. Yeah, a lot of people have a true sense of entitlement, whereas I'm in therapy going like, I can welcome abundance. I can welcome the money that's coming my way. Well, everybody's in therapy. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. But not necessarily for their fear of abundance. Yeah, I have that. It's definitely- Who was on the show with you? It was James Spader and Camila Cabello. Very sexy.

But she pre-taped, so I didn't even get to meet her. Yeah, she's so sexy. Like every photo of her, every video, she just always looks wet. Like she has a sexy flu. She's a singer. She sings that song Havana. It's big right now.

She's a guest model too. Very pretty. Very, very beautiful. Well, I always enjoy, as I was saying with Gary Veeder last week, to me, doing these talk shows, the most fun to me is getting to meet, you know, certain people, the other guests oftentimes are interesting. Who's the most interesting person you met doing? Well, I met Fitty.

Oh, shit. Fitty Cent. I've met Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon. Right. Wow. Sometimes you get people that you're like, eh, you know. Other guests are like, shit. 50 Cent. I've met Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon. Right. Wow. Sometimes you get people that you're like, eh. You know. Other guests are like, eh.

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever met a guest, either one of y'all met a guest, and y'all had a little moment or whatever, and there's this moment in your brain that you feel like, we might really be friends after this. Have you ever allowed yourself to feel that? Be honest. No, not at a talk show, but people I meet at the cellar, I feel the way,

you know. Well, that's a peer. I'm talking about like... No, no, I mean famous people that come to the cellar that just come because they're friends with, like John Mayer brought Katy Perry once. And I felt that we had a good rapport. I did feel like we had some sort of rapport. But I know what you're talking

about where that person's skill as a gifted narcissist is to make you feel like you're the only person in the room and then you fell for it. But is that a gifted narcissist to make you feel like you're the only person in the room? That actually seems like that would go against being a gifted narcissist. A gifted narcissist would make you be excited to see me. To see them. That I'm in the room. It's about me.

Rather than put it on you. True. Yeah, so maybe we're talking about two different things. Maybe there are celebrities that are genuine people. But I feel like I've interacted with a few really great narcissists lately. And now whenever I see Instagram, I just scroll through and I'm like, this bitch is a subpar narcissist.

I think there are just different... I think it's too bad that there is narcissism and there are people that are better at it than others. Well, I will say that I was completely ignored by Jonah Hill once on Conan years ago. When I did the Conan Tonight Show, remember he had the Tonight Show for five seconds?

Right. So I did that and the other guest was Jonah Hill and he was promoting funny people. So he was promoting a stand-up show. Right. A stand-up movie. And I came out and did my stand-up. I thought it was pretty good. And sat down and he just didn't say a word. Now I guess you could argue that I could have talked to him.

Right. But I felt that him as the far higher up celebrity. He should have done the I'm a nice guy thing. What's that? He should have done the I'm a nice guy thing. Hi, how are you? He should have said like, I felt because him being much higher on the showbiz totem pole than me, it was in his court to say to me, great job.

You know what's so funny about it? That's what I thought, man. But then again, he's a lot younger than me. So maybe it was in my position to say, good to meet you. Right, because you're a veteran comic. He just did a movie about a comic. He might be insecure in his mind thinking, oh shit, he looks at me like an imposter.

I hope he says hello to me. I don't want to play myself. You know, because it's all fantasy. Who knows what the dynamic is? It's the shit that goes on in your head. Yeah, Damien's right about that. I mean, I personally, when I go to those shows, I don't meet anyone. The first time I did The Tonight Show, I met Gisele Bundchen,

but that's because when I got off stage, she ran over and hugged me. And she was like, oh, you did great. That was so fun. And it felt like I was talking to another comic, because we were talking about her segment and my segment. And then she had to go. But she's married to that football dude? Tom Brady.

Talking to Giselle felt like talking to another comic. I love that. I love that shit. We talked about bits. Yeah, we were talking about the bits that we did, the jokes. And, yeah, she had a line that she felt like know went well and then one that she didn't like and but yeah it was kind of fun to talk to her on that level but James Spader I had

no urge to go talk to him although like let's say that like if Lin Manuel Miranda was on the show from Hamilton or like Gal Gadot who was Wonder Woman I would have been that would have been my goal of the day would be to talk to them but you're just not a fan of James Spader and so you didn't I're just not a fan of James Spader, and so you didn't...

I mean, I'm a fan of his. I watch The Blacklist. I like him, but I just... No part of me... I was just like, well, what's my endgame here? Do I want to get a picture with him so that I can get 722 likes on Facebook? Do I need this at all? Paul Giamatti was on The Tonight Show, also

the first time that I did it, and I like him a lot, but it just didn't seem – I said hello to him briefly in the hallway in passing, but I didn't care. I didn't need a picture with him. It just – it doesn't do anything for me. Do you always feel the need to say I liked your work if you liked that person's work? Not if you didn't because that's bullshit, but if you liked this person's work,

do you feel in your mind, this might be the only time I'm going to really ever catch... Should I full on say the whole shit or should I just say, good to meet you? Yeah. What are you doing? What are you going with? That's an interesting point. I said I love your work to Dr. Drew when I met him. But you weren't

serious. I was dead serious. I love Teen Mom, Teen Mom 1, Teen Mom 2. I love... I've listened to every episode of Loveline that's ever, ever occurred. I love Teen Mom, Teen Mom 1, Teen Mom 2. I love Love Line. I've listened to every episode of Love Line that's ever, ever occurred. I typically don't say I love your work to somebody that's so big that they would hear it all the time and it would mean nothing. I might say I love your work to somebody that could use the compliment. But of course, maybe, you know, sometimes even the biggest celebrity could use the compliment. But see, that's the narcissism of a fan. Because when I was young, there would be certain rappers or singers that were on the verge.

They were underground. They were popping. And me, as a fucking fan that was feeling himself, felt like the fact that I even know you, you should be honored that I got the vision to see that you're going to be somebody. The fact that I'm giving you an early what's up feels like it's a little bit more prized, but this motherfucker is worthy of whatever praise comes their way. You know what I mean? You're right.

That is so funny, the narcissism of the fan. Right. Let me ask you, though. When you guys interact or have met your comedy heroes here, do you react differently than when you meet just a regular old celebrity? Definitely. I always play it cool. See, as far as comedy here is concerned, I look at comics like colleagues, and I'm not

starstruck by any of them, because I do what they do. Whereas musicians I'm in awe of, because what they do seems to me, I do comedy. So it's like, all right, you do comedy, I do comedy. A musician, somebody who writes, particularly a writer of music, to me that's like alchemy. Like how the hell do you put together, I know how to write a joke, but how do you put together a bunch of notes and it becomes something incredible? To me, that's so incredible. So I'm starstruck by them, you know, more than I would be by a comic because I don't do what they do

I understand that and an actor, I'm like, whatevs I'm not blown away by them mostly either necessarily, but unless they're iconic, you know yeah, I don't know I would like to, but what were you going to say?

oh, I mean, yeah I remember there was a... I think I was sitting in this exact seat at the Cellar brunch, and you were at that brunch with Chappelle, right? Yes. And I sat down, and Nikki Glaser was sitting next to me, and we had to catch up about something, like some dumb relationship thing that I was going through

that I wanted to tell her about. And then I just didn't even see that Chappelle was sitting right where you're sitting. At the record show, he is pointing to Kat Timpf. Wait, he is what? No, you were pointing to Kat Timpf. Describing for the radio listener. We cannot see.

But then I was chatting with her and then he reached over because the orange juice was right next to me. He's like, hey man, can you pass the orange juice? And I just, in that instant, I was like, oh, my God, you're Dave Chappelle. You said that as we said it? No. It would be better if you did say it out loud. Oh, my God, it's Dave Chappelle.

Oh, my God, it's Dave Chappelle. Oh, my God, it's Dave Chappelle. But instead I was like, yeah, you can have the orange juice. And I got like 90% cooler than I am with anybody. And yeah, like it was almost funny how cool I was with this orange juice. And then as I was handing it over, I was like, be smooth with your movements. Don't knock anything over. And then he was cool for that.

That whole brunch, we had a lot of interactions. But I would have never been like, oh my God, you've made me so happy. You know, you're the best. Because I just wouldn't want to weird him out. Well, as I said, you guys are colleagues, and I think he views you as such. So I don't think he looks at himself as on this high pedestal above you.

And I think he expects you to treat him as you would treat anyone in the comedy world. Because have you guys ever gone to a town where there's a dude opening for you who's a fan and they kind of fan out on you? The fanboy out on you? It always feels weird. It's way better if they're just like, oh yeah, cool man.

Do you want to go to Jimmy John's tomorrow? We'll hang out. I'll take you. I'm not going to Jimmy John's, but absolutely. Just whatever. If they're just cool. It always feels better. We have to go soon. I did want to end on something that I thought was interesting, is that apparently Donald Trump does not have dementia. Now, you could have knocked me over with a feather on that one,

because I could have sworn there was something wrong with him mentally. But according to the Montreal, oddly enough, it's like the Montreal dementia test or something. Something like that. Montreal dementia test is Testing the American president? Yeah, with some guy in Montreal. Objective opinion.

Right. Some guy in Montreal invented a test. They called it the Montreal test. It's like when you eat French fries. Right. You know.

But is that a notable test? Is that like Aziz's article being in babe.com? I think this is the... Oh my God, didn't you love that? I think babe.com... She told babe. I think the... I? Good callback. Babe.com. If she told Babe.

I was told to Babe. I think it's the gold standard. It's the gold standard. Yeah. No, I think it's better than the Hackensack dementia test. I think it's the gold standard of dementia tests. Okay. I'm not sure.

You have to identify different animals. You also have to sing a Celine Dion song, because it's a Montreal thing. No, I'm kidding. You have to repeat. It'll say, in a minute, say as many words that begin with F as possible. It'll say, okay, here's three animals,

an outline of three animals, name the animal. These kinds of things. It'll say, draw a clock, draw 305 on a clock. Right. To test if you have the cognitive... Right. Whatever. Anyway, apparently the guy passed.

He couldn't be less dementia-id. Right. Whatever the word would be. I just think it makes zero difference. Like, the crazy shit he said is still the crazy shit he said. Yeah, so it turns out he's just an asshole. And the crazy shit he does is still the crazy shit he does. Yeah.

So what difference does it make if he has dementia or if he's mentally ill, like people say all the time? It doesn't matter to me, really. The stuff is still the stuff. Well, if he had dementia. I agree. But for me, how does it affect my life? Well, first of all, dementia gets worse. Okay?

Dementia, he'll be crapping his pants in two years if it was dementia. So you have to look at that. Whereas if he's just crazy, he might stay this level of crazy. That's number one. Number two, if he had dementia that was diagnosed by a physician, we could invoke, I suppose, the much-talked-about 25th Amendment. That's not happening. It's just not going to happen.

I feel like that's every conversation. This might be what it—this is it. This is the one. People have been saying that for three years now. It's not going to happen. I feel like that's every conversation. This might be what it... This is it. This is the one. People have been saying that for three years now. It's not going to happen. If he failed the Montreal Comedy Festival dementia test, then you'd have something where you could say, we got it right here.

Right here, the results of the Montreal New Faces dementia test. That would just be framed, though, as like the establishment coming after him in another way, and he would say, oh, it plays well with the bass that everybody thinks I'm crazy. Yeah, but it's the Montreal test. That's universally accepted.

That's how you know you failed. Even his staunch supporters have to respect the Montreal test. They wouldn't. When you think all the new faces, but they're the same old faces. Exactly. It's clear you got dementia. So his supporters are saying, hey, we told you the guy's sane.

And his detractors are saying, this is even worse. Because now he has no excuse. We thought at least he had the excuse of having dementia. But I was surprised. I thought he did have some sort of cognitive difficulties. because it does seem like he repeats the same words. He doesn't speak in what I would regard as very elegant sentences. I mean, Sanjay Gupta today said Trump almost certainly has heart disease. So that's something.

Why would Gupta, how does Gupta know that? I don't know. He interviewed the doctor who examined him or something like that, and based on the answers, I don't know, something like that. But the exam said no heart disease. The exam said this guy is going to live another 30 years. Two terms. I mean, if it said that he was going to live six months,

do you think he would have even put it out? No, but he didn't. He didn't put it out. Either doctor or Trump? No, Trump. Oh, yeah, well. Do you have control over that? I guess you do. You did put it up. Were you the doctor or Trump? No, Trump. Oh, yeah. Wow. Do you have control over that? I guess you do.

You can suppress it as the president or is that public record? I don't know. I really don't know. I've never been the president. No idea. Because Reagan, he had dementia. And he hit it. Yeah, he hit it for a bit until he couldn't.

Yeah, but he was polite. Right. That's what you should do, right? He was a gentleman with dementia. He's a nice guy about it. Yeah, I mean, that would be the key to dementia, too. Be nice to everybody just because you don't want nobody coming after your ass and you forgot. You understand?

Be cool. Well, as you get older in life in general, I find it harder to be an asshole because I know something's coming to humble me at some point. Like, you can't be an asshole and then have... And forgetful. Or any bad, horrible thing. Right. You're going to get humbled so badly at some point. I would have thought it would be the opposite. Like, you get older and then you just stop giving a shit.

And so you're just, you know, an asshole to everybody. There is that. There is that. There is that. But for me, I'm very conscious now of thinking to myself, who knows what 10 years down the road could bring, and if I'm an asshole to somebody now, I could be in a wheelchair. And they'll roll you out into traffic.

They'll roll me right out into traffic. I think when you're older, you're more appreciative of people even coming by to see you. When you're young, you're in the streets, even coming by to see you. You know, when you're young, you're in the streets. You're trying to establish yourself. You're racing against. So you can be an asshole because you're looking past people. But when you're older, and there's only three people

that come to see you. So you want to be nice now so that when you're old, you don't get wedgies. Yeah. Remember that, Catherine. You're not going to be young and gorgeous forever. I try to remember. You've got another 15 years left. I do. I'm going to get all the plastic surgery too when I need it. Oh God, please don't. I'm going to have one of those faces that doesn't move at all.

Oh God. Oh no. I find older women to be very sexy when they don't do plastic surgery. Well, I'll leave you two alone. Catherine's not older. She's actually quite young. No, I know that you're very young, but it's going to be forever before you would even consider that kind of stuff.

But yeah, the girls, like I have so many friends that are getting Botox and they're getting little things done. And it starts. Lips. Yeah. Slippery slope. Yeah, it starts to make them look really unnatural. Whereas like when I see a woman that's my age, I'm 40, and she's got like some crow's feet going on. I think she's beautiful. I think she's beautiful.

I think she's beautiful. But I would rather have that than a girl whose face doesn't move. Pete shooting his shot. Eyebrows are tough. Pete is charming. Pete combines the niceness of Ryan Hamilton with the game of Damien Lemon.

That is a high compliment. A formidable combination that what woman could possibly resist? Catherine, Tim, we're kind of out of time right now, I think, Stephen. Yeah. I guess next week, Noam will be back to tell us all about Vegas and where things are going because the comedy club I was told was going to open, the comedy cellar Las Vegas, I was told was going to open, the comedy cellar Las Vegas, I was told was going to open in March.

So hopefully that will be the case and I'd like to hope it'll be wonderful to go with some of y'all and chill out in Vegas. We could do Aruba Rays in Vegas. That's what it would feel like. Yes, we could do an Aruba Ray reunion. Be sure to pitch that to Nome. Yeah.

So we'll find out next week where we're at with the Vegas room. Catherine Timp can be seen on the Fox show. Saturday nights, 10 p.m. 10 p.m. And Catherine, you'll hear her libertarian rantings and anti-Trump, you know. Screeds. Fulminations there. Pete Lee, you know, I don't know if you have anything to promote or anything.

If they want to go on YouTube, they can. Yeah, let's get that up to 2.5 million. Yeah, they can go watch my fail and set. Any of you that helps on Facebook, please go watch it there. At what point, like, if you get to 10 million, then you can just call. Then at that point, you call up Comedy Central or fuck Comedy Central. You call up HBO at that point. You say, look, let's talk.

Well, I mean, I'm at a fuck. Pete Lee needs a show. I'm at a fuck Comedy Central point anyway because I'm not in their demo. I never loved them. And, like, I want to go. I want to be on Netflix. I want to be. You'll get that.

Just get up. Once you get, we get you to four million hits. Yeah. We'll get you that Netflix special. Yeah. Don't you worry about it. But you need four million. Damien Lemon can be seen.

Comedy Knockout, when we come back, I believe it's Wednesdays at 1130. Catch some reruns. Until then, D Lemon comedy all over. I got a podcast called In the Conversation. Check that out. I'm in Atlanta this weekend at the Punchline. Please check me out. For the love of God, go see Damien Lemon in Atlanta.

There it is. If you live in the Atlanta area, the greater Marietta or Buckhead as well, communities are also served. Thank you, everybody, for coming. And we'll see you next week on the Comedy Cellar Show. Thank you.