The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Dov Davidoff & James Altucher

Episode Date: February 10, 2017

Dov Davidoff is a prominent stand-up comedian and actor. He can be seen regularly at the Comedy Cellar.  James Altucher is a prominent author and financier. He is the author of 18 books. His latest book, called "Reinvent Yourself," debuted in January 2017.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. This is The Comedy Cellar Show on SiriusXM 99. Raw dog, this is the voice of Dan Natterman, and the reason for that is because Noam Dorman is in Vegas. Not sure what he's doing there, but he is in Las Vegas. So I am running this show, and I'm going to run it my way, which means less on the deep philosophical shit and more on just keeping it light and breezy like I like to do. Light and breezy. And I have my dear friend with me, Dov Davidoff.

Yes, yes, yes. Who hasn't been on the show in a while. I guess he's been on it. Been some time, some time. He's been on the road. Been dogging it. He's been road dogging. By the way,

I was all nervous because I had a gig tomorrow in Florida. I thought you'd felt some relief. I was very anxious. I had a gig performing for an older crowd, like a 65 and older community down in Florida. But the gig was cancelled because of the snow.

I can't get the hell out of here. I tried everything. Well, now, so that's not good, not because you didn't get to do the gig for a 65 and over set, but because it's a money thing, right? Yeah, right. I lost money. I mean, maybe they'll reschedule it.

Maybe. Okay. So I can't, because tomorrow there's snow, and right now this is the eighth, because this is going to air. So I was talking with Liz about this. They preempted the snow. I had always thought, I had associated airlines with stopping flights when it snowed. Yeah, but sometimes they know in advance they're going to cancel the flight.

It's like, remember in school, usually you had to wait until the next morning to find out there was no school. But every now and again, they would tell you the night before. It's going to be bad. And then, therefore, you could stay up late, hang out with your friends. I got you. Or if you were Dov Davidoff,

get laid. But I didn't do that in those days. I understand, I understand. But sometimes they would tell you the night before. And the airlines are no different than your local board of education. Right.

Every now and again, they go ahead of time. Every now and then, they go ahead. Yep. They tell you ahead of time. So we have tonight on the show, by the way, Chris Montella quit. Do you want me to get Steve and James?

You may as well bring them over for this. No? We can bring them over. Yeah, Liz, would you mind? Liz Farace? Montella quit. Yeah, Chris Montella quit the show. You didn't know that.

Ah, the married life. Is there a reason for that, or she just was inconvenient for her life at this point? Well, you'd have to ask her. The stated reason is that I guess she just was inconvenient for her life at this point? Well, you'd have to ask her. The stated reason was, is that, I guess, it wasn't working for her anymore. I'm not exactly sure. You know, you'd have to talk to Montella. But was it ever working in the sense that this was instrumental in something that she was doing? I mean, you're a comedian here.

I mean, I thought... Well, it wasn't working for her in terms of, I guess, she wasn't having fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you. I understand. Not that it wasn't working for her in terms of, I guess she wasn't having fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you. I understand. Not that it wasn't working in any more. Well, that surprises me because Kristen has a good vibe with Kristen, especially. She's a sweetheart.

Well, we'll certainly miss her. She's welcome to come back anytime she wants, unless, of course, we find somebody to replace her. Well, obviously, if we found somebody to replace her, she couldn't come back, Liz. Well, she could still come back and sit in a bed. She could come back to sit in and say hello, but we can't wait forever. No, not full time. Dove has, I don't know if you want to talk about Dove was, his adventure is in

insemination. Oh, yeah, well, sure. I'd be happy to talk about it. I'm trying to get somebody pregnant and I got a weak, deadbeat operation I'm running. Dove is trying to get his wife pregnant and unfortunately... All the material, but yeah. Unfortunately, his sperm, unfortunately, and

this is a shock to everybody. Have a seat. This is James. Yes, it's a shock to everybody. James Altucher, I think it's pronounced, but you'll correct me. The great James Altucher. James Altucher. Okay think it's pronounced, but you'll correct me. The great James Altucher. James Altucher. Okay, that's... Yes. Obviously, I don't have to...

That's a, you know... Altucher is here with us, along with the person that he's touching, I guess. Yes. Is Lady Friend, or is that your wife? Lady Friend. Lady Goodfriend. What is your name again, young lady? What is her name, James?

Pamela. Pamela, Pamela, right. Hi, Pamela. Now, James has a, he has that look that you can have when you're a genius. But most people couldn't pull that off. He's got crazy afro. He's got a light Einstein. My guess is I'm the oldest person here.

No, I doubt it. I could be the oldest person in this entire restaurant. Oh, no, you are the oldest person here, but not by much. I'm 47. I'm 40. I just turned 49. Okay. You are a very young-looking 47, isn't he?

Dan's a very young-looking 47. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Thank you, James. I hear that quite a bit. Thank you, James. But you look young yourself. Thank you. But you have, you know what it is?

You have a young-looking 47, but you kind of have this old Jewish kind of voice. He's got an old soul. Old soul. You're very Jew-y. Yeah. Well, that wouldn't be

the matzo ball soup calling the knish. On the knish. Low-E side-ish. Which, whatever. Oh, we're all from the same block, so it's okay. Yeah.

Now, James, we're talking about, we're going to get to you, and I know you have written a lot of books, and you do a lot of things, and you're very impressive, and we'll get to that. But right now we're talking about... Well, he is. Nobody's so funny the way you say it. Well, right now we're talking about Doug. I won't deny it. I'll take all the compliments, and then you can decide more later. And he's got a very beautiful girlfriend.

If there was any doubt that this guy's a player, all doubt has been dissipated upon seeing his girlfriend. You can certainly, you know, this guy's got something up his sleeve. I'll touch his got moves. The EZD. You see Donald Trump's tweet today? No, I didn't see that.

He said the Supreme Court decision was an EZD, which refers to, in other... Oh, easy D. In other circles, having easy dick. So there you go. Doing some political analysis here. All right. And we'll get to political analysis.

But right now we're talking about Dove's weak load. I had to get a sperm analysis recently. I've been trying to get my wife pregnant for a year. I've got some psychological issues with her. But other than that... Wait, how old are you? I'm 43. I'm 43. I'm 43.

No, don't worry about interrupting. You can always interrupt. It's what we do here. Because after 40, do you think... No. I'm asking you what your doctor said. Does testosterone go down after 40? Yeah, no, all of that goes down, but not to the degree that there should be any substantial

issue with regard to your ability to get somebody pregnant. So the load drops a bit, the motility drops a bit, but you should not have an issue in terms of, over time, being able to get somebody pregnant. So the load drops a bit, the motility drops a bit, but you should not have an issue in terms of over time being able to get somebody pregnant, meaning it does not precipitously diminish in such a way that it would impact that. Can I ask the same question? Of course you can.

I'm a heterosexual. Follow-up question. If that's the answer. Follow-up question from this gentleman over here. I'll touch her. I'll touch her. So if your wife doesn't get pregnant after two months,

does that decrease the likelihood on the third month? Is each month less likely? Not that I know of. As a matter of fact, certainly you don't want to do it every day. I don't know if there's any likelihood. I think it's just you want to hit her sweet spot. So my wife got a fertility app that smiles when she's ovulating. And so for that five-day period, I'm supposed to save it up

and not blow loads all over the room because I've got to save it up for my special lady. What you don't know about Dove is why it was such a shock to us when we found out that he wasn't a real man. That he couldn't impregnate his wife like you're supposed to be able to do, is that this man was the world's greatest seductor. This man, he pulled moves. You were smooth. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was pretty good at it. No, no, not good at it in general.

So I couldn't advise anybody how to walk into a bar and do it. I can't do it in general in life so well. But I got a thing that if the girl is odd enough, she tends to be, and then the kind of demographic that's drawn to me tend to bang right away in their father. He's being falsely modest. He banged all sorts of women.

Women that I would have written poems to and pined away for for months and years, he would throw them away like toilet paper. Be like, I can't believe she's calling again. There's some supermodel he's calling. So I'm not going to ask him for advice. That would be like asking Michael Jordan for basketball advice.

What's your advice from observing him? My advice to you? Yeah, from observing him. Well, that's like saying, you know, I observe Floyd Mayweather. Therefore, how do you become heavyweight champion? You gotta be born with it. And everybody has to use their own strategy. That was a good way to ask the question, though.

I thought I maybe would get an answer out of it. No, no, that was very good. Well, you have problems Unfortunately, you've met your match here. You're with a lovely young lady, so you have no problems in that area. I'll touch your nose's game. You know, it took a long time, though. I had to meet one person. Yeah, because you couldn't do what Dub does because you're not Dub. You have touch a nose's game. You know, it took a long time, though. I had to meet one person out of thousands.

You couldn't do what Dub does because you're not Dub. You have to play the nerd angle, and that's in now. All right, how do you... Yeah, that's a solid angle. I have the nerd look, though. How do you play the nerd angle?

It helps to have $100 million in cash somewhere. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah, sure. Are you suggesting that's what he has? No, I'm suggesting he doesn't need that

because he's just very, very smooth, very confident. And he also has some good movie credits. And you know these broads, you know, now you're a genius. You've written several books, but they don't read. Nobody reads. I don't even read. These chicks, you've got to hit them with the movie credits, you know, and that they respond to. Okay, what are some movie credits?

Have you done a reality show at least? Have you been on, you know? Nothing. Nothing, okay. The news. Well, I don't think you have any problems picking

up late, just judging from this supermodel that you've got with The wonderful Pamela, the glorious and lovely Pamela. But, so okay, so you go to the doctor today

and what's the result? Well, no, I had a sperm analysis, you wait five days, the whole thing's an embarrassment. You know, making an appointment to jerk off is never anybody's idea of a good time.

Then you go to Midtown, and then they ask you if you spilled any, which is a whole, the whole thing's so awkward. You know why I'm there. I know why I'm there. The fact that you're like, you know, she said, what are you here for? And, you know, what am I here for? Was there like a waiting room? There's a jerk off room. Were there people in the waiting room listening?

Yeah, what am I here for? I'm here to look. I'm looking for a James Altucher's book. Are you selling that book? The waiting... No, yeah, there's a waiting room, and then you go into a little room. Looks like a big closet, very hospital-ish,

bright lights, small TV, magazine rack, and a wee-wee pad on a chair. It's a horror show, James. The awkward part was when he took a picture of the nurse before going to the jerk office. He didn't really do that. That was good. Dan told me to do that. Dan told me, take a picture of the nurse

and then come back out and then walk into the room, rather. That would be great. Why don't people do that? Just for fun. Somebody might have it. You've got to have a lot of nerve to do a thing. To pull a move like that. You have to be a bit nuts. And also people would hate you. Most people don to have a lot of nerve to do a thing, to pull a move like that. Well, you have to be a bit nuts, and also people would hate you.

Most people don't have that kind of audacity. So you did it, and then you give them over, and then they do a test. They do a test. Five days later, the doctor calls. A week later, I get on the phone with my wife, speakerphone. There are three categories. There's load size. That was a technical term the doctor used.

Then there's motility, which is the level at which they're clipping along and swimming. And what I found out is... I am working 20 knots they've got to be clipping along at. The level of motility... I have such a... You ever go by the bodegas outside of certain projects

and you see young guys buying blunt wrap at 10 in the morning? I got a deadbeat sperm. They don't want to show up for work. They don't want to read. They're just lazy. They don't want to swim. They're just hanging out.

They're deadbeats. They're the kind of people that you say, listen, you want to be the opposite of Dove's sperm. That's what you want to be. So is that the problem? Motility. Then there's the number of sperm. 20 million is what the doctor likes to say.

I have 11. And each one of them is a deadbeat. So literally, you're fucked. Oh, yes. Well, no, he has to do IVF. IVF. He has to pay us whatever money that costs. What I didn't tell my wife is that this whole time, I've been paranoid about using condoms.

I've been on the road. I've gotten a lot of tail over the years. And I've always been so paranoid about condoms. And lo and behold, I get into a monogamous relationship. I'm married. I could have been blowing it all over this country for many years. Well, you could have also been diseased. You could have caught a disease.

Nah, what disease? What do you got to do? HIV is the only thing you really got to worry about. The other stuff is a pill. If herpes, if you don't have it already and you've been with more than 10 broads, you're not going to get it. I mean, you're not going to manifest. The odds are one out of every three people has herpes.

So if you don't have an outbreak at some point, it means you're not going to manifest like that. I'm going to give my daughters this lecture this weekend. No, listen, it's all horrible what I'm saying. I know that. Let's talk about Jane. Do you have two? I have two daughters.

They need to know this. Okay, but not with Pamela. This was with a previous baby mom. Is she a baby mom, or were you married? I was married. I've been married twice. And after my second wife left, I was really depressed. And you know who I called?

You'll be, I don't know how old you are. Well, he's 43. I'm 47. Okay, so I called Judy Blume. Oh, of course. And I said, I'm really depressed. My second wife just left, and she assured me third time's a charm because she's on her third marriage.

So that gave me confidence again. And she's been married for 30 years. Judy Blume, by the way, for our younger listeners, wrote such a classic, says Blubber. Are you there, goddess of Margaret? Well, she did. Well, that's what it was named. Blubber was the name of the book.

And did you say Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing? Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. Oh, wow. And then she got into more like risque shit with Wifey. A classic. This was big, young adult. He could have brought that into the sperm room earlier. Yeah, yeah.

That was like, I guess, the Fifty Shades of Grey of its era. I actually used the High Society. Yeah, Dove used erotic poems. Erotic poems. to get off. Yeah, no, it was a Proust novel, the first chapter I used. So let's switch things over now to our guest,

who I guess we've been trying to get on, or apparently canceled you a couple of times. Yeah, what's up, Stephen? Where is he? Well, he's over there. James is a busy man.

No, but we canceled him, I think, a couple of times. Yeah, you guys cancelled him. Either way, let's get into his life. And I suggested cancelling you a third time because Noam's not here and I know he wanted to meet you. But I want to talk to him. I'll go on again. I have a lot. Actually, I've been dealing with a development scenario and a JV agreement.

I hired investigators to deal with the team. And then I've been reading The Undoing Project. You can relate to all of this. Wait, why did you hire investigators? Wait, I don't even know what the hell he's talking about with the team. And then I've been reading The Undoing Project. You can relate to all of this. Wait, why did you hire investigators? Wait, I don't even know what the hell he's talking about. Oh, I'm sorry. A JV is a joint venture that I had engaged in to develop a piece of property. I'm not going to get into the particulars.

But I want to get into business. I totally understand. This is not Barron's podcast. I thought you meant development deal like actors, like a TV show development deal. No, no, no. It was something where the probability of success is vastly higher than a TV. But I'm also in a TV scenario as well. But, you know, you roll the dice.

But anyway, how can we talk about what James does in a way that doesn't get a bit technical? Wait, but I also want to understand you guys. I want to understand what is a TV scenario. I just keep saying he's heterosexual. What do you mean? I'm heterosexual, Jay. I believe you're all man. A development scenario? In TV.

It can take place in a number of different ways, but I go to a network. I say, I have an idea and would you like to pay me to write that idea? Or I come up with a sizzle reel. It's an idea. It's a soft scripted scenario based on my family life. Dan plays my closest friend. And we shot it with a successful production company called Left Right.

Ken Druckerman is a good producer. And now we're out pitching along with a sizzle reel. So what we're trying to communicate is proof of concept. So it's probably a lot like going into a venture capitalist room and saying, this is my idea. Oh, you're right. So you scripted it, and you shot some scenes? It's loosely scripted.

Okay, it's loosely scripted. You shot some scenes. Yeah, not totally dissimilar to what Larry David is doing, but I use my real family. My mother is a real character. Everybody says that about their mother, but my mother is. And my wife, who's got some psychological problems.

And so it's an entertaining crew. Is your wife listening? Is she going to listen to this podcast? I don't care if she is. We've got to get it out in the open air. He talks this way even in front of her. They have a very honest dialogue. I talk about it on stage. I love her. You can love

somebody that has borderline-y aspects. We just all have to acknowledge what's taking place. Well, borderline what, though? Like, borderline personality? Borderline-y personality stuff. Are you familiar with that? Yeah, yeah.

So is she like, I love you, I hate you? Yeah, there's a lot of push-pull. It's not quite that literal, but there's a lot of vacillation between neurotic and psychotic. But not psychotic like I see dragons. Psychotic like,

I'll say, you're being contentious. And then she'll argue that she's, she'll argue the word contentious, which is insane, because you're being contentious it's a meta thing, and it gets nutty don't you wish there was music or something that indicated what was about to take place, you know

like a like when I met my ex like this really happened You know, like a... Like when I met my ex. Like a... You know, like... This really happened. She broke my ankle. She broke my... Well, I mean, I went...

I was in Rome. I went away for the first time in a while. I rented a scooter, and I let her get on the... She was on the back, and she kept yelling, I was born to ride. And then I let her drive, and not four blocks go by, and she freaks out and we go down and I put my leg

out and my ankle broke but she never tried to hit the brakes. It wasn't a legitimate fall like somebody caught us off. She was just like she just balled up like a bitch. You know? And now every time I see her, you ever see the person you're with

and you get that feeling in your stomach like you were driving and drinking and a cop pulls in behind you and you're like, huh. That's how I feel when I see her. And then I realized later on, I realized she had an actual borderline personality disorder. Like somebody who, borderline personality disorder, it's hard for them to acknowledge responsibility while a conflict is taking place. So things would get real strange real fast. Like she would go,

like she'll go from an adult to a 15-year-old to a raccoon, like that. So normal arguments would get, like I was in the car with her out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. Picture this, no context. I'm driving, she turns to me and she goes, to each his own, no context,

just a free-floating to each his own. And I said, what do you mean? And then she goes, I mean to each his own. I was like, I heard what you said. I don't know what you mean. And then she goes, you don't know what to each his own means? Like, I know what it means. I don't know what you mean by it.

And then she goes, why are you yelling? I was like, the fuck is going on, man? And then I broke the turn signal off the column and stuck it in my leg to focus the pain. To focus the pain. To prevent me from driving into the divider, the highway divider. You ever see the divider and you just want to prove a point? You just want to be like, yeah, yeah. You know, my fantasy was at some point, if I continued to bounce off the divider,

at some point she'd begin to empathize and cry and she would say, why are you doing this? And I would get to say, to each his own motherfucker! Yes! I always get curious. You said that he could pick up anybody. I said the dove in his day.

Yeah, could pick up anybody. And probably still could if he put his mind to it. But he doesn't do it anymore. Do you think something inside of you was attracted to that kind of chaos inside of her? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's nutty, model-y, odd. There's a lot going on there, and I married her, and I love her, but it's been very challenging as of late,

which is why I think it's a little bit fresh emotionally for me right now. Does she get angry at your sperm condition? Does she actually get angry at you? Oh, that's a great question. If she did, I wouldn't know it because she is unbelievably passive-aggressive, and so it doesn't come at you directly when she's feeling something, which is very challenging as well.

There's a lot of nature nurture stuff, right, in all of these conditions for people psychologically, perhaps not fissures from reality, but a lot of it's nature nurture. She had parents and abusive and alcoholic and then it exacerbated an already underlying sort of precarious

psychology. Is it possible, maybe, and this is just a suggestion, that I could regain control Yes, of course, I apologize. I apologize. Well, you know, the thing is James has a podcast of his own, and when you bring podcasting people on the show, you know, because you're a default position. He's an interviewer. That's right.

He's an interviewer. That's his default. He snafued me. That's his default position. I snafued. You guys fell for it. Because he's trying to turn. Yeah, he got us good.

He's trying to turn this into his interview of us. He is a snake. And I've always said that about Al Tuchel. He is somebody that needs to be watched. He's got a close eye. You do always say it about me. I'm starting to get insulted about that.

You don't write that many books because you're a calm, well-mannered guy. He's got a roiling something going on in there. You're sort of a jack of many trades. You studied computer science.

Yes. Which, you know, that's the thing. But that's what you should study. Of course you should. Yeah, you shouldn't study like hard history. You know, Dan went to Wharton, then law school, and then became a comedian, but never practiced law. So you can't sue someone right now, for instance?

No, I don't even know that I'm legally a member of the bar anymore. I think you have to keep that up. But if you wanted to sue somebody, I would help. How would you help him? I'd hire an attorney. There he goes out, Shula. There he goes again. There he goes again. Trying to keep that up. But if he wanted to sue somebody, I would help him. How would you help him? I'd hire an attorney. There he goes out, Shula. There he goes again. There he goes again. Trying to divert the conversation. Because he doesn't want to talk about himself. But why did you go from law to comedy?

Well, because... Not that there isn't reasons. I never wanted to be a lawyer. I went to law school because that's kind of what you're supposed to do when you grow up in a certain milieu. Milieu. And I always wanted to be in show business. Yes. But, you know, when you don't grow up in a certain milieu. Milieu. And I always wanted to be in show business. Yes. But, you know, when you don't grow up in a showbiz household

or a showbiz environment, it seems silly and ridiculous. And so you say to yourself, well, I'm going to do what you're supposed to do and go to Wharton and go to law school and things of this nature. Along those lines, I was talking to James before and we talked about whether or not you thought the average comedian was a bit more cracked

than the average person pursuing some other low-probability creative endeavor not you thought the average comedian was a bit more cracked than the average person pursuing some other low-probability creative endeavor. A bit more cracked. A bit more cracked. And I said yes. Probably would be, yeah. Well, but I think though when we eliminated anything that involved a degree, it's all one in a thousand chance. So musician, writer,

astronaut, which requires a degree, but I brought up the idea. I really didn't perceive it as one in a thousand. Call me crazy, I thought I was a shoo-in. I just remember watching these comics on TV and said, I can do what they're doing. And I was right. I could do what they're doing. But the other thing I didn't

consider was that that's not sufficient. In other words, if all that was necessary was for me to be as funny as Phil in the blank. Yes. You know, say Roseanne. Phil's pretty funny. Rose funny as Phil in the blank. Yes. You know, say, say, Roseanne. Phil's pretty funny. Roseanne, Phil in the blank is funny. But say, be as funny as, say, Tim Allen.

And then I'd have everything that Tim Allen had. That's what I thought, that's what I thought how it worked that way. Right. But as it turns out, you could be five times funnier than Tim Allen. Correct, yes. And have nothing at all. So what's, so what is it, it's obviously not a luck thing, because there must be some persistence aspect. Well, there's all sorts

of factors. First of all, people like Roseanne and Tim Allen and Drew Carey, etc., came around at a time where they were giving comedian sitcoms, where network television was enormous. There were only three real channels you could watch. And of course, those were only the ones that we saw.

There might have been numerous comics that we didn't see that didn't go anywhere. But let me... Why is Al Chula trying to turn this into... Because he is a snake, and I said it early on. He's been calling me a snake all night. But just one more question. Now, not only do you have broadcast TV, you have 50 cable channels. There's more out there.

Even Verizon is going to do original programming. Right. So there's more ways for you to get seen. Even Verizon's going to do original programming. Right, so there's more ways for you to get seen. But Al Tucher, here is... Fewer eyeballs seeing. Fewer eyeballs seeing, and here's the wild card. It's a niche. Here's the other factor that you're not considering, is that there's more comics than ever before.

These cucarachas are multiplied. Like cucarachas. They're everywhere. You can't swing a cat in this town without hitting a comedian. You understand it's not even weird now to be a comedian? You used to sell somebody you were a comedian, they'd say, What the hell are you? What does that mean?

But now I sell somebody who's a comedian. Oh, yeah, my brother does it. And I got a friend that does it. I mean, it's not even weird anymore. You know what is weird? The phrase, the swing a cat. No, that's an old phrase. I know, but where does it come from?

I feel like also some Jewish things. I think Aristophanes. I don't know where it comes from. No, wait. He's trying to Jew up the podcast. I know. On your show idea, is he a struggling lawyer trying to be a comedian? No, I'm me.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Everybody is just themselves. Everybody's themselves. Yeah, yeah. You know what Al Tucher does? I'm me No no no no Everybody is just themselves Everybody's themselves Yeah Yeah You know what Al Tucher does He gets in there He gets in good We're trying to talk about him

And he switches He switches it And you don't even see it Because you guys are so fast I'm bored You guys are so fast And you don't even see it coming He's so subtle about it

So sweet And then he fucks your girlfriend And then he bangs your girl And then he bangs your girl And this is the way he does it. This is the way he's always done it. That's why I have two daughters. Yeah.

I like this guy. So you're an entrepreneur. You're a writer. What is this book? James' new book is Reinvent Yourself. It's called Reinvent Yourself. Choose Yourself. Yes.

Reinvent Yourself. How would you describe it? Give us a thumbnail summary. Give us a thumbnail, James. Well, it's all about this idea that nothing is really safe in this world. Like, you wanted to be a lawyer, but there's no— No, I didn't want to be a lawyer. Okay, you initially set out to be, but for all the people who actually wanted to be, there's no guarantees.

There's not a surplus of jobs for lawyers anymore. In fact, that's even being automated or outsourced. So people are constantly now, particularly young people, are constantly facing the fact that they have to reinvent and start to do what they love rather than what they were told to do. They have to choose what they want instead of what their parents, teachers, bosses, everybody else chose them to do. You've got to choose the people who choose you rather than the other way around, if that makes sense. Choose the people who choose you. Yeah, kind, yes. Like your TV deal, why don't you just

shoot it on YouTube? Raise a little money, shoot scenes on YouTube and see what happens. See if people watch it. See if people who are interested watch it. Yeah, you know,

listen, no, no, he's certainly not wrong. So can we get somebody that needs to reinvent themselves and see how that might work with them? Other than us, of course.

Well, all of us are constantly... You're in a state, for instance, where you're trying to go from married guy to married guy with kids. And that's a lot of issues. You have to readjust all the things you think about. Especially when every one of your sperm

doesn't want to do anything. Right. So you have to figure out, do you give up on that? Do you adopt? Do you do an IVF? In vitro, baby. Yeah, so you have to decide all these things.

And then your relationship with your wife's going to change. And then once you have a kid vitro, baby. So you have to decide all these things, and then your relationship with your wife's going to change. And then once you have a kid, your relationship with your wife's going to completely change, because suddenly there's this new, strange, non-English speaking citizen living in your house, and you have to deal with that. So even that's reinvention. Everything is reinvention, not just career.

So is your book, I'm a little confused now, is it a how-to book about reinvention, or just a philosophical-to book about reinvention or just just philosophical uh uh sort of book about how we were all always reinventing ourselves it's it's about my own personal failures it's a memoir and reinventions but also i then look at like a hundred other people and how they succeeded in reinventing themselves or succeeded in succeeding because i want to ultimately, you know, pursue different dreams and succeed at them. And how do you do that? Particularly as your

interests change as you get older and as your life changes and as your life situation changes. So it's, and starting from a point where, you know, I, I, I had a point where I made some money, I sold a company and then I went totally broke and bankrupt and had to figure out how am I going to, with two kids, how am I going to start from zero and build up again? So I had to reinvent myself in this really awkward way where everybody hated me all of a sudden who pretended to be my friends earlier. Wow. Because, yeah, you sold a software business, was it? Yeah. And made, you know.

Did you invest your money? Did it go, did it, how did you lose it? What the hell happened to the money? Yeah, what happened to the money? Yeah, I bought houses. I invested. I invested millions of dollars. A house we think of as appreciating assets.

Had you bought cars, I'd understand how you lost it. How'd you lose it buying houses? You know, in. A divorce? Well, divorce twice. Yeah, that'll do it. And I bought houses right before both. Ah, that'll do it. And I bought houses right before both housing crises, like 2000 and 2007. And then I invested in a lot of bad companies.

I hedge my bets with stabilized real estate. I should have talked to you. Well, listen, what do I know? You're the brain here. I don't know about that. These hedge funds, are they bullshit or not? Okay, so then I started a hedge fund in order to make my way back. That was one of the things I tried.

Do you, by the way, I went to college with a cat that goes by the name of Greg Lipman. That name might be familiar. I don't know. He was involved in the big short. Anyway, he worked at Deutsche Bank. Whatever, it doesn't matter. You don't know him, but he's a hedge fund guy now. So you started a hedge fund, which for those of our listeners,

which I would imagine is most of them, who are not directly, have a direct contact with a hedge fund, what is a hedge fund for those that might not know? A hedge fund is basically you take in money from rich people and you invest it however you want and you take a piece of the profits. It's a little different than a mutual fund, which can take in money from rich people and you invest it however you want and you take a piece of the profits it's a little different than a mutual fund which can take in money from anyone hedge fund can only take money from you have to have a certain net worth and you could do whatever you want there's no regulations at all so there's no downside because you don't lose any of your own money yeah you don't have to put your own money in but of course i would put all my money in and

then i would go up i would go down i built up another business i sold that went broke after that. So I went broke several times and then finally I had to start figuring out like, how can I reinvent myself so that it sticks the next time? So the hedge fund is what you came up with? Yes. And how's that doing? Well, I ran it all through the first decade of the 2000s and it did well, but I decided to turn that into another internet business. I kind of moved it all into making a website about finance.

And I sold that company. And then bought a house. He's back, baby. He's back. He's back. He's better than ever. Outdocher's back. No, no.

I was back. And then I lost all of that. I was broke about 18 months after that. That's tremendous. Second time. You know, something doesn't add up here. There's three skills with money. You can't seem to hold on to the dough. There's three skills. He's an entrepreneur. Making it. Can't get enough. Keeping it. Second time. You know, something doesn't add up here. There's three skills with money. You can't seem to hold on to the dough.

There's three skills. He's an entrepreneur. Making it. Can't get enough. Keeping it. Growing it. Keeping it. Keeping it. So making it, I could do.

Keeping it and growing it, I maybe am only just learned. Well, as far as keeping it and growing it is concerned, why not just invest in some high-quality government paper and blue-chip stocks and leave it at that? You can't generate wealth that way. So I was greedy and wanted to generate quick wealth. He was greedy. Okay, but you can generate wealth. You know, you don't need to generate wealth.

What are you saying? Is that a 3% dividend? You're not going to generate a whole lot. He could start another business and use his brain power. So here's what I did. I decided I hated starting businesses, so I invested in other smart people who were starting businesses, and that actually worked for me. So that was a good fit.

More of the VC side. Yeah, I became more of like a venture capitalist, and that worked. If you're looking for a place to stash your money, there's no better investment than this sitcom I wrote. That's the type of thing I used to invest in and then I would be crying in a hotel room 18 months later on a macro level

you can pull me back whenever you want the idea of the GDP pie in this country the idea that financial services occupies an ever growing portion that seems to me like some sort of unsupportable Ponzi-ish experience I'm having in

terms of the conceptual understanding of the way all of this works. Yeah, but yes and no. So, yes, there's probably too many people employed on Wall Street. Like, that's all a scam. Why is everybody that's worth half a billion dollars in a fucking hedge fund, what are they all, smarter than everybody else? They're producing nothing. Right, and that business

is going to go away. That whole industry is going to go away. Yes, yes. But the basic idea of Wall Street is to give Main Street money to build their businesses.

Yeah, that was the idea. That was the idea. It still works. Everything cleans itself out every decade or so. Right, right. So we had the financial crisis that cleaned it out.

The dot-com bubble and bus cleaned it out. So it'll clean out again in a year or two. It's like AIDS in the 80s. Yeah, totally cured now. Yes, Liz just left the table after that. She didn't leave because of that, though. I can say that because I have family members who were involved in the AIDS operation.

My father was gay. And hence your sperm problem. Exactly. But one wonders whether Dove's at least prior behavior was in some way a way to maybe prove to himself that he's not gay. Well, if it was, it was very subconscious. I mean, I was just sort of a virile, I was that kind of guy from a very early age.

Now, is this true? Like, did you suspect your dad was gay? Oh, my mother said, you know,

my mother knew that he was having sex with men, but it didn't bother her. The fact that he ate too much sugar was a big problem for her. But the homosexuality

thing was not a, but she was a super counter-cultural kind, it was a real wacky operation they ran. Was she gay also? My parents, oh no,

oh no, no, no, no. No, but hasn't she had gay relationships? She had one relationship with the gym teacher. Was the gym teacher very masculine? Wasn't feminine. I believe her name was Sean. Even at the name, you're not sure. You know these names.

Sean Colvin. Sean can be a female name in rare cases. You remember Sean Colvin? Sonny Came Home? But that's what I'm saying. No. You don't, Sonny Came Home? But that's what I'm saying. You don't remember Sonny Came Home? It can go either way. What's the difference?

Yeah, I don't remember. TV show? No, no. Sonny Came Home was a song from the 90s. Back in the day when I had all these female singer-songwriters like, help me out here, Natalie Merchant and Sarah McLaughlin. We should go to Gotham after this. What's at Gotham after this?

I got to do some show, but I'm saying we could all go over there. Jessica's going to be there. What are you doing? All right, we'll finish this. You guys should come. I'll talk to you after. I'll talk to you after. I got my car out front.

So you're reinventing yourself again, you say? You have other things. You want to reinvent yourself yet again. You started off, you were in the software business. Yeah, software. Made some money. Yeah. yet again. You started off, you were in the software business. Yeah, software. Made some money. Yeah. When broke.

Hedge fund, then internet, and then I've been a writer for 15 years. This is my 18th book. How do you fucking do? I guess you have to be able to sit down. Obviously, you have a great brain and all that, but I'm finishing a book now. I have the damnedest time sitting down. But let me ask you a question. How do you write a joke? Walking around.

Yeah, but you have to still think about it and write it. That's a hard thing to do. You have to be a genius to write a joke. No, you don't. Believe me. You should see some of the people we know that can write it. But you specifically. I'm pretty bright, but I'm not that smart, I don't think. But when you go downstairs, you work on it in front of people.

I was thrown out of high school, by the way. But you work on it in front of people. Right. And then, I was thrown out of high school, by the way. But you work on it in front of people, and then you figure out what works. You sort of work through it. You're not alone in a room just pounding it out in a vacuum. Well, I would say out of 18 books, maybe two of them sold well. So it's the same type of thing. What the hell? What's selling?

Yeah, I know what you mean. But that's the way I work it. I'll write the book and then see what happens. Right. So this book and another one did well. So it's the same type of thing. What the hell? What's selling? But that's the way I work it. I'll write the book and then see what happens. So this book and another one did well. What's your next move? What's the next reinvention of James Altucher? Male stripper.

I kind of want to write a novel after this. I haven't written a novel yet. Really? You're going hardcore fiction. Are you okay? Are you in therapy? I am in therapy. I just went to my therapist today, actually. Good. Good for you.

We talked all about Pamela down there. Yes. Anybody there. And we talked about me writing a novel. Well, novels, you know, I mean, are people

reading novels these days? It's not the point. Yeah, it's not the point. You do the work because you love the work. No, I didn't say that. I'm making another point. I know, but I like to argue.

Okay. Fifty Shades of Grey sold 150 million copies. But, yes. Okay, so. That's one novel. Yeah. I'm making another point. I know, but I like to argue. Okay. Fifty Shades of Grey sold 150 million copies. But, yes. Okay, so. That's one novel. Yeah, that's true. But people don't, I don't think, read novels the way they used to.

Oh, we all know that. Okay, so what do you think I should do next? No, no. I didn't say don't write a novel. I'm bored of writing this stuff. I didn't say don't write a novel. I said I'm not sure anybody's going to read your novel. As a matter of fact, the one and only.

You're certainly welcome't write a novel. I said I'm not sure anybody's going to read your novel. As a matter of fact, the one and only misdemeanor crime that Dan has ever committed took place as he was a young man in a bookstore. He smuggled out. I don't want to talk about my wayward youth. What are you talking about? He took a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera. Did you think that was porn? No, I stole a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera. Was you think that was porn? No, I stole a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera. Was that Gabriel Garcia Marquez?

Yeah. Marquez. Yeah, that is a good... I mean, how hilarious is that? That's my life of crime. Were you caught? No, I wasn't caught. To this day.

But who steals a fucking copy? Who steals a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera? I don't know if the Statue of Limitations ran out. What story was it? I won't report you. Nobody listening will report you. When I was a kid, what people would steal, they'd take a hood ornament,

they'd take a gold chain, they'd take a... You were in a bookstore rummaging through Gabriel Garcia Marquez novels. I mean, I did. That's a real comedian. I was football cards. I was caught stealing football cards.

That makes more sense. It does make more sense. Were you like a... Football cards. How old were you when you stole? He was 32. I think I was about 20. I mean, you have to be of a certain age to want to steal Love in the Time of Cholera.

You're not going to be a five-year-old kid. Right. It was a choice between Gravity's Rainbow and Love in the Time of Cholera. That's correct. I don't know. Was Gravity's Rainbow... That was too big. It wouldn't fit in your pocket.

That's, of course, Pinchon. I never read that one. I's Rainbow... That was too big. It wouldn't fit in your pocket. That's, of course, Pinchon. I never read that one. I read the first two pages. Okay. You know why you didn't like it? It's a little bit... I didn't like it. No, it's a little bit wordy.

Speaking of novels, speaking of novels, now, I tried to read David Copperfield, Charles Dickens. Figured I'd read it. Figured it'd be good for me. It's a classic, they said. You've got to read it, they said. It's incredible, they said. I gave it 100 pages.

I gave it the old college, and after 100 pages, I thought it was a gag. I said, is this guy kidding me? I threw it down my garbage chute. I threw the book away. I didn't want it in my house. Well, you were angry. You were angry that it got sucked into the first hundred pages. I thought it was

a gag. It was like there was no discernible plot at all. It was like incredible. And this is considered, I mean, maybe it's great literature. I'm not going to say it's not. I'm just going to say it ain't for me. But, you know, you could have gone and read the Classics

Illustrated comic book. James Joyce, you want to put a bullet in your head. You get into a James Joyce. Well, I had to in high school. I had to read Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Portrait of a Student That's Furious. That was cornball. But anyway.

It was an attempt. I've seen that. I'm learning. Your portrait of an angry high school English student. And I'm trying to improve the bit. But you get the idea. I got it. Is that that's a rough one.

And for high... But they give high school kids shit that high school kids shouldn't be reading. Why do they give, like, the Canterbury Tales to high school kids? Like, that's unreadable. Why don't they give Lord of the Rings to high school kids? The truth is, the Canterbury Tales is pretty good. It's written in, in like the 1300s. How could it be good?

By the way, the point is you want to give them something they can access that will then turn them on. Turn them on. Get them excited to write and read. I went to school. I grew up in a shitty part of Jersey. And I went to school with guys. Towards English town. I grew up in a junkyard in English town.

Let me just. North Brunswick myself. Let me just preface this by saying Dove loves nothing more than to portray himself as coming from the ghetto. No, no, it's not the ghetto. It's a working class. It was a dirt lot with a junkyard. But Dove comes from a fairly... His mother

is a therapist. These are not dumb people. No, no. Certainly not. My mother's a therapist. Father's gay. My father was an uneducated Jewish business guy from the street in the Bronx. And my mother was a hippie wasp intellectual. You went to Columbia, therapist, you know, to become an analyst.

And she was on her way to India to teach piano when she stopped off to visit her lesbian friend who owned a monkey. And that woman was renting a house from my father. That's how they met. And then she was wrapped up on a commune for the next 10 years. And then in India following a guru. But anyway, go ahead. What the hell were we talking about? You're saying...

We were talking about books. Oh, we were talking about getting turned on as a kid and the idea of learning and tapping into the kind of culture where you then want to go and experience curiosity for yourself. If you're turned off to reading early on, it's very dangerous. I think that's right. Yeah, so... You had David Copperfield and then Love in the Time of Cholera.

You were screwing yourself. You're never going to read a book again. No, I... But, no, David Copperfield came later. I tried to read that a few years ago when I said, you know, I'm going to enrich myself. You were like, okay, I blew it with Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man, I'm Loving the Time of Cholera.

I'm going to read a thriller now. I'm going to read a page turner. A 200-year-old book named David Copperfield. It wasn't the book of magic tricks. It was like the actual serial thing that Charles Dickens did in like 1820. Yes, but everybody said it was great. And I tried to read Anna Karenina too

and I didn't get through two pages. Well, you should have read Fifty Shades of Grey. 150 million people loved it. You know, I hired this guy, this social media guy. We could keep talking about this, but it's getting... Top has decided. No, no, no. You decide. You can veto me anytime you want. I keep looking

at Pamela because if Pamela's laughing, I figured it has to be okay because she has no skin in this game. Yeah, but sometimes it's a different context, but I know what you mean. Okay, you hired a social media guy. We'll move to social media. Well, I was just saying our culture in general, but maybe that's not the best topic either. Maybe the most entertaining thing to talk about is just to keep arguing about what to talk about. Well, we could move.

It's very meta. Noam likes to talk politics, obviously. No. Oh, God. But he's good at that. What do we know? We're not that engaged in politics. No, but we can all talk about Trump, can't we? Of course we can. Because, you know, that's a big deal. Arguably.

You know, I have something to say. Here's something I try to make a joke about. I try to make a joke about this notion, and it hasn't worked, but I think there's something here. Yes, what? Chuck Schumer and a few other people talked about the Statue of Liberty crying because they're not letting Muslims in. Right. Right? Okay, so have you seen a meme with the Statue of Liberty crying? No, I haven't.

Yes, and hugging Obama. I've seen that. You've seen that meme. Okay, now the Statue of Liberty was erected, or if that's the right word, it was given to us. Don't offend W. It was given to us. Easy. I just got a sperm test. You know what kind of shape I'm in, man.

Sorry, I was very insensitive on me. The Statue of Liberty came here in, what, 1882? Do you know that at that time Chinese people were not allowed to come to America? It was called the Chinese Exclusion Act. And the Statue of Liberty didn't shed a tear for the Chinese. Are you telling me not a Statue of Liberty all of a sudden loves the Iraqis?

Women weren't allowed to vote. The Chinese weren't allowed in. Right. So the Statue of Liberty is like, oh, the Statue of Liberty says we've got to let everybody in. First of all, the poem says we've got to let everybody in. Right. So the Statue of Liberty is like, oh, the Statue of Liberty says we've got to let everybody in. First of all, the poem says we've got to let everybody in. That was written by somebody else, and they stuck it on the Statue of Liberty. The Statue of Liberty was like, get that thing off me. You're really

literate. I didn't even know there is a poem on the Statue of Liberty. He's very literate. Did you know there was a poem on the Statue of Liberty? I was born out of high school. The New Colossus by Emma Lazarus. It's a famous poem. Holy moly. You know this poem. Wait, is that... You know this poem. It's a famous poem. Holy moly. What? No, you know this poem. Wait, is that? You know this poem.

Okay, say it. It's give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, your need to breathe free. Right, but you know the name. The wretched refuse, et cetera, and so on. Yeah, did you know Emma Lazarus? No, nobody knows that name. How did you know Emma Lazarus? Look who you're dealing with.

The man is... He's got problems, James. It's another Jew name. Well, you were studying computer science, and that's quite a practical thing to do. I was studying poetry and looking at the beauty in the world. Well, you were at the computer going, eh, eh, eh. That's right. And by the way, and you win, by the way, because you made money.

You win. I had to use my nerd factor. I had to use it for me of course but you know because all those computer guys that in high school we looked at them

like they had three heads and those are the winners now they run the world of course and all the poets were the cool guys I wanted to be all the poets

were like getting the girls you know well I wasn't getting the girls the poet jocks I actually had the worst of both worlds no pussy and no money but anyhow

so this notion that it's... Another thing I wanted to attack... I hired a corporate security firm to look up this Hasid. Go ahead. This notion that keeping immigrants out is not who we are. Not who we are! That's exactly who we are! That's who we've always been up until the 1965.

Well, even now, you think it's easy to be a citizen? Someone comes here, it's hard to get a green card. Yes. You know how many documents I've had to sign to help people get green cards? And people are crying and begging to get these documents signed. I've met more hot blonde pussy that can't get into this country. And I have to ask myself, who writes these laws? Who writes them?

You know, Dove's wife is Canadian. Yeah. And she's been dealing with a lot of... Okay, couldn't get into this country to save her life until Dove married her. Okay, not only could she not get into this country, but you'd have twice as hard a time going to her country and getting a job. Yeah, I think that's the case. You could not get a job in her country. That's right, right.

And you being a citizen, forget it. And that's the case for most countries going and leaving. Yeah, right. That's the case. Yeah, you a job in her country. That's right, right. And that's the case for most countries going and leaving. Yeah, right. That's the case. Yeah, you know, it's, listen, I don't know where you want to go with this.

And everybody protesting this, they all want to go to Canada, right? You can't be a citizen of Canada. Nobody wants to go to Mexico, right? Why don't they want to go to like the sunnier, nicer place?

Like, tell us why. I don't know. I'm saying, why do they all want to go to Canada? Because Canada's a first world nation. It's a first world nation. Okay, but Mexico is right next to the United States also. I don't know. I'm saying, why do they all want to go to Canada? Because Canada is a first world nation. It's a first world nation. Okay, but Mexico is right next to the United States also.

I know, but it's a little tough over there. If you're in the Coke game, you can go further. Yeah, sure. Argentina. Argentina, Colombia. These are starting to be up and coming South American countries. These are where people I know are going. I could live in Buenos Aires.

Well, you've got to learn Spanish if you go to this country. Also, you gotta learn to flamenco. But in Colombia, a lot of expats go to Colombia. Go to Medellin. Is that true? Yeah. Well, have you thought about... I assume, just looking at you, that you must be a Hillary

and or Bernie person. I am a nothing person. Yes, me too. I'm with you. I wish they should just shut the whole internet down for one year and cure cancer and then get back

to arguing about politics. Capitalism has been great. It doesn't really speak to a lot of people's needs, certainly in terms of community and spiritually. There's tons of disenfranchisement. And I'm a capitalist.

But clearly it's wonderful ingenuity and where we were. You know what the big problem is? And then let me just frame this. I was thinking about this in terms of the macro scenario. We are up against this idea that everybody should, is entitled to a two-car garage if you work hard and a white picket fence, and it's an unsustainable financial reality generated by the idea that after World War II, we were in such a unique position in the world.

We created so much wealth so quickly in this country. You cannot sustain it. I agree with that. I agree with that. But also, who wants two cars? Like, we live in the city. Do you own a car? No, I don't.

I'm saying culture in general. As a comedian, you go out on the road, you meet Americans. You're not dealing with a lot of people reading Love in the Time of Cholera out here. Everybody's jerking each other off politically talking about how brilliant Americans are. They're not that brilliant. I walk all over the country. There's a lot of and this idea, materialism is failing

us tremendously. I wouldn't call it capitalism. I would call it corporatism. I think corporations have let people down. Because they all have outsourced to Asia. They've all automated. All the steel companies outsource to other countries. Also, ideas have trajectories.

Capitalism is... And at some point, the idea of working harder to make more, to have a better... Better than my parents. There is no better than your parents. How many cars do you need? I think I have a lot better than my parents. Not financially. No, no. But as my parents. Not financially.

No, no. Not financially. But I just didn't. I grew up watching these people, and I'll be damned if I saw them have a good time once. Once. I don't remember my father having a good time one time. I don't remember my father ever saying, whoo, last night. I shook it up for good. It was always, you go to work, you come home.

On the weekend, he would mow the lawn or paint the fence. The weekends looked horrible, let alone work days. The weekends were horrendous. What about that one time he found that extra copy of Love in the Time of Color on an ice stand, and two of the pages were stuck together? I'll teach you. I don't know what you're going with. We brought a family-friendly podcast here.

I'm sorry. I apologize. I definitely have beaten my parents out in terms I'm sorry. I apologize. I just, so I've definitely beaten my parents out in terms of fun experiences, I think, you know, unless hanging out with... Dan,

you've had a very eventful life. It's been eventful. There's been highs and lows. You have been very hard on yourself. You've led a very unique life. I have had an interesting time. What's a low?

There's been highs and lows. What's a low? Low? Say low. So low. You're a very congenial person. Low is, for example, when I have to do a gig out of town, and three days before the gig, I just get so depressed and anxious

because I don't want to, you know. I had to perform tomorrow. The gig was canceled because of the snowstorm. Which is blazing outside right now. Well, it'll start in a few days. Keep it. You'll see. You'll have to.

You'll keep flapping your gums when you're buried under 10 feet of snow. You'll see if you're laughing then. So my gig was canceled, but it was going to be a gig performing at one of these Florida communities where everybody is older. And I was so scared

because I didn't know what to... What do I talk about with somebody that's 65 and older? Texting? Facebook? These are not things that are, you know, that are part of their lives. And I can't talk about having kids because I don't. And I can't talk about the things that they're into. For some reason

they hired me. And, you know, and I was very, very nervous about it. Now, you could say, well, who cares? Just do the... Okay, what was the first Jokia plan? And here's the kicker. What was the first Jokia plan? Well, I'm getting to that, but here's the kicker. And if you think that sounds scary,

my mother's cousin was going to be in the audience. That is the kicker. Oh, Bernice. Bernice is her name. A lovely woman, but... I like how he knows your mother's cousin's name. But the fact is... Well, he told me that it's the perfect name for an old Jew crowd.

Yeah. But, you know, I was nervous that if I didn't do well, I'd be, the family would know. Because she's there, you know. And they would. I feel like I'm still proving myself. So what were you going to do? So my first joke. Work through it here.

Well, my first, well, I have jokes. The question is, would they respond to a joke about Facebook or about texting? They totally would. They're all on Facebook. 1.6 billion people are on Facebook. You think this group of six-year-olds is that? But there's only 14 of them over 65. Yeah, but most of them are not over 65, and the ones that are are not as active.

They're not constantly hashtagging and saying, feeling blessed. Feeling blessed, yeah. My mother's on Facebook, but she goes on once in the bluest of moons. So blue. She's not posting flashback, throwback Thursday shit. Not Ms. Natterman, no. She's not arguing about Trump or anything?

No, she's not. Maybe Bernice might be, but even her, I don't know. Yes, they're on Facebook, but their experience of Facebook is not the same as my experience of Facebook or the average comedy seller audience member's experience of Facebook. And they text message, but they don't text, you know, B-Y-B. They don't text, you know, the kind of things.

What's B-Y-B? Be right back. Oh, that's B-R-B. I'm sorry. I think B-Y-B is Brigham Young. Don't screw up that joke. Brigham Young., that's BRB. I'm sorry. I think BYB is Brigham Young. Don't screw up that joke. Brigham Young. Brigham Young, but that's BYU.

You get the idea. I'll teach you. Yeah, we get the idea. Everybody gets the idea. So you had a question? Yeah, so that was going to be your first joke. What have you decided? No, that was not going to be my first joke.

My first joke was going to be my joke about marriage and how hard it is. It was anxiety and things that, you know, translate. I did a show in Amsterdam. I had a tag. There was a piece of a joke that I referenced a swimming pool, and nobody got it. Because nobody has, for the most part, personal swimming pools in a place where it rains all year, you know? But they know what a swimming pool is. Well, they do, but the context of the joke involved it being in somebody's backyard.

You understand? They don't have them in the backyard for the most part. Oh, okay. So what joke did you decide to do first? Well, what a joke I typically do first is I do a joke about marriage being difficult. I'm not going to say it because, you know... No, say it.

It's quick. It's the kind of thing you can say and it's still funny. It's not like a big story. It's a joke that I've been doing for many, many years about how people that are married are not selling the institution of marriage.

You know, you wouldn't buy a car if somebody said, this car, well, it takes a lot of work. So that's why I'm not married because nobody's selling it. Pamela's been sitting here patiently. I don't know if she wants to... I got a phone call.

That's an 800 number. I don't know what that could be. You got a phone call from a... It's probably JetBlue. Your sex hotline. Hello, is this JetBlue? James, I've got... I've been...

All right, so I'm going to tell you something real quickly. You're hiring a private investigator. It is JetBlue, but it's out of there. I already hired him. Okay. I'm going to tell you... I already got the report back. The result's not going to be good. You're right. I investigator. I already did. I already hired him. Okay. I'm going to tell you. I already got the report back. The result's not going to be good.

You're right. I know this for sure. You're right. Because... But I don't mind not good. It's not good to what degree and why not? What are we talking about now? It's kind of not good.

So tell me why it wasn't good. I've hired thousands of private investigators in my time. Tell me why it was not good. And I'll tell you if there's worse. For me, it brought up some questions. What it did was I had already had some reservations as it relates to our communication. What were the reservations related to your communication? Well, there were these two guys.

One of them was this Hasidic guy who stood to give you a look. There's this immediate suspicion when I walk in the room, and that's okay. I don't mind that, and I don't mind whatever prickly operation you run as long as you're good at what you do. But it just started to feel, and then there was some emailing, and then there were these pauses, and you call me back, but then you don't

call me back, and then there were some other issues that we tried to communicate around. The one thing that we need in a development project, or in any project where communication is a primary tool. You want to come on? It wasn't good. You can't do this deal.

I'll tell you why. Really quickly, Marina Franklin is a big fan of yours and wanted to. I'm a fan. Big fan. Big fan. Everybody says hi. You can't see this on air, but James Altucher just hugged Marina Franklin. I'm a huge fan of Marina Franklin.

And it may have been a beat too long, to be perfectly honest with you. It may have been one beat too long. I stayed under the five-second rule. I only can stay for a second, but I just wanted to say I'm so glad you're here. A lot of people are annoyed at Marina's positive energy already at the table. A lot of people. Marina, I believe, is the one who told Stephen to have me on. We all love Marina.

The reason he's here. It's because of Marina Franklin. There you go. All right. Was he on your podcast, Friends Like Us? Not yet, but he will be. But I've been on two of his podcasts. She's been on two of my podcasts.

Stephen Dubner. It's amazing that anybody has time to go to work anymore because there's a been on two of his podcasts. She's been on two of my podcasts. Stephen Dubner. It's amazing that anybody has time to go to work anymore because there's a lot of... We're doing podcast podcasting. There's a lot of podcasting going on. I wanted to tell you that I met a guy because of your show. You met a guy because of my show? What happened? Tell me the story. It was a horror show. It's actually a horror story.

Yeah, that's right. I'll teach her. You ruined Marina's life. You're not with this guy still? A listener of mine is a listener of yours. Yeah, that's right. I'll teach her. You ruined Marina's life. You're not with this guy still? I've never. A listener of mine is. You'll never bang him again. Okay, what happened? Tell me.

A listener of yours. Yep. Contacted me on Facebook. I told Dove this story. What was his name? No, no, no, no, no. I know all my listeners. All five of them.

The guy is. Well, you can't let. You do know this guy. There's the name. I didn't hear. But he's... Let's just say it starts with a B, like a Brian. Oh, yeah. That's a bad

guy. Yes, he is. And he contacted me. I shouldn't have said that out loud, but you didn't say his name. I didn't say his last name. But he contacted me, and I thought it was a date, and he's hot, so I went on the date. And then the next day, he posted it on his Facebook wall like a social media status

like, this is what I do to make my day go better. I do the following things. And then he listed that he met with Marina Franklin. That's a little, but did he say that your name was mentioned you were saying or did he say he met you like romantically? He tagged me. He tagged

my name. Oh, he tagged you. That's a euphemism for when Marina says tagged, she means it. Trust me, I wish that had happened. He tagged me. No condoms. I got tagged. That was an unwanted tag. That didn't work out.

You'll have to come on my podcast again. We'll make the next version right. Yes, because I've been wanting to talk to you about this for a while. So anyway, have a good time. I love you. All right, see you soon. We love you as well, Marina. You could definitely go out with me.

I know you're currently involved. She loves me, but she loves me right here. Pamela's a wonderful woman. Does Pamela want to say anything? She's been sitting there. I don't know if you want to say a few words. Have a seat, Pamela. How late are we running until, by the way?

Just a few more minutes and we'll be done I don't know some people have mic fright but if you're good on the mic I'm good she did the cover of this book she's a designer number one best selling book on Amazon I was listening to that Diane Millman interview with Ferris oh I just interviewed Debbie Millman

oh Debbie Millman not Diane you're saying that's the number one book right now on Amazon it was last week number one was higher than Fif Amazon? It was last week. Reinvent yourself. Number one was Higher Than Fifty Shades of Grey. Wow. Wow. Well, congratulations.

So I guess, as I said, Al Tucher is back. Al Tucher is back in Better Than Ever, baby. He invested in a few bad projects, but he is back. He is back, and he is better than ever. And Pamela, you're from the design world. I am. And so how did you're from the design world. I am. And so how did you run into this character? How did I run into this character?

Yeah, how did you run into me? What happened? Were you a fan? I was. Yeah, I am a fan. I was a fan. And we met kind of through social media. She became a fan.

She was always criticizing me at first. But you knew who he was before you started dating. Yes, and then I started giving him shit. Al Tudor's just like us, Dove. Of course. What do you think? We're walking into a bar. You know, at least a hustle.

You can't meet someone in a bar. You have to write a book or do stand-up or design stuff, make some sculptures. Now, Brian can meet people in bars. He's sort of classically. This is his friend, Brian Callen, we're talking about. Yeah, but anyway. Yeah, but there are some people who are very good at it, but yeah.

So you're going through Facebook and looking perhaps on your... All right, here was my strategy. If I posted an article and a pretty woman

liked it, then I would just inundate. Like, I would Facebook friend, Twitter follow, Instagram follow, LinkedIn connect. I would do everything, Twitter follow, Instagram follow, LinkedIn connect. I would do everything.

And then just get overwhelmed. Absolutely. And then she'd have to, like, wonder what's up. Well, and you're very charming. He's very charming. There's nothing new under the sun. You're doing what everybody, we're all doing this shit. Yes.

You know, if I get, like, an Instagram, if, like, I get followed on Instagram. But James will actually show up at a house with a knife. So we're not all doing everything. He goes that one step further. One step further. And that's the thing about Al Tuchel. That's why he does it. One step further.

That's why he's been calling me a snake all night. No, no, no. In the best sense. Only in the most high context. But anyway, so how long you guys been? Like 10 months almost. Oh, that's like almost a year. You made it sound so seedy, for Christ's sake.

It's like Valentine's Day is coming up. So how long have you guys been so seedy? What should I do for Valentine's Day? I haven't really experienced this in a long time. Oh, that is an interesting... I haven't been through this in a long time. Well, I don't know what your budget is. Why don't you...

I mean, but you're a guy. You don't have like a... 200 million? What are we talking about? By the way, your assumption that you need a budget is a fallacy. There are lots of things that you can do. No, I know, but I'm just trying to get... Yes, your assumption that you need a budget is a fallacy. There are lots of things that you can do. No, I know, but I'm just trying to get... Yes, I know that.

Be creative. Be creative. Okay, I have an idea. You're dealing with a creative woman. If it were me and Pamela were my girl, first of all, I wouldn't be here right now. What would you do? I'd be off in a Caribbean island somewhere as we speak. That's what she keeps telling me.

That's what she keeps telling me, but I love New York. I'm bored out of my mind in the islands. I can't wait to get home. You know what I want to do? You know where I want to go one day? You know, like you go to Tahiti and they have those those, I don't know what they call them, but they're on like stilts in the middle of the lagoon. Yes. I mean, it's far, but that's

what I would want to go. Are you American? Like, what's up with that? What do you mean, what's up with that? It's beautiful. It's like the most beautiful place on earth. Dan's not a real person. Where are you talking about? I wasn't listening.

Tahiti or Bora, but one of those places. Okay, who gives a fuck about... I have an idea. Tell me if this is a good idea, okay? Don't tell Pamela. I won't say where it's sitting. I would never say it. In Washington, D.C., there's this exhibition that just started.

It's like a million ping pong balls fill up, or sponge balls or whatever, fill up this huge, gigantic pool, and you could bathe in it. That's interesting. Kind of fun, right? Yeah. What if I just surprised her with like a, you know, take the Acela Express down to D.C.? Total surprise. There's nothing more romantic than waiting in line with 57 12-year-olds. But no, that could be fun.

Yeah, that's interesting. All right, there you go. Yeah, that's good. Let's go and tell her. No, we won't tell that's good. I'm not poo-pooing. Don't tell her. No, we won't tell her. Well, I'm not poo-pooing it. I don't think that's a bad thing.

No, it's interesting. Yeah, or, you know, or a bed and breakfast in Vermont if you want to. It's too cold. You don't have to go all the way to Vermont, by the way. But, yeah, you go right to, you know, the Berkshires. The Shires? The Shire. The Shire.

Well, what are you doing for Valentine's Day? I haven't thought about it because I've been dealing with a real episode with my wife, but we're back. We're okay now. She's actually going to come meet me at the quick gig to do. Which you guys should come, but the

what? The Valentine's Day. What are you hassling me for? Valentine's. Yes. No, of course. We're going to go to Washington and see you do the ball thing. I'm just going to take Tuchor's idea. Okay, here's another one.

You'd be so infuriated if you went to D.C. and Davidoff were there at the ball pool. Yeah, that's right. You would mess it all up. After poo-pooing the idea. That's right.

That's right. I'm yelling at the kids. Okay, here's the other one. In Chinatown, there's the Chinatown Fun Fair. Air hockey, ski ball, arcade games. No. What do you think?

Nothing romantic about it. Chinatown in general isn't romantic. There's a lot of fish everywhere. You know, that's not the thing to do. Sorry, no. Not very romantic. Stay out of Chinatown on Valentine's Day. You know what's good?

I'm trying to think. What was a romantic? You know, what did I do? What about going to the Comedy Cellar? Do you guys do romantic stuff? Well, no, but there'll be a show here. What was a romantic? You know, what did I do? What about going to the Comedy Cellar? Do you guys do romantic stuff? Well, no, but there'll be a show here. Yeah, but it's not romantic. It's not romantic necessarily, but they'll be talking about, I'm sure somebody will mention.

It's not romantic. It never seemed like a super romantic. It's not romantic. It seems like a fun thing to do on a date, but not necessarily if you're going for romance. Well, you do the Comedy Cellar and have some laughs and then do something romantic afterward, perhaps. Maybe like a short stay at a hotel? Yeah, something of that nature. Yeah, no, that nature.

Well, it's a good nature. You know, that's a good Valentine's Day nature. I see how you guys work through jokes. You're kind of figuring out your Valentine's Day schedule. You know, I don't make a lot of eye contact. So maybe I'll do it missionary for the first time in six months? Yeah. Wait, there's other ways?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Dove has an issue with that. No, I don't have an issue. No, I do. I don't like a lot of eye contact, but I don't know that it's an issue. But then again, an issue is a matter of degrees. And so what becomes an issue and what doesn't is almost a philosophical matter. Or one for a psychologist.

That sounds like the child of a therapist would say it that way. Well, you know, my mother wasn't a therapist when I was a kid. She is now, but it was a very strange operation. But, yeah, no, but I've been in therapy, and certainly there's a lot of analytic kind of dialogue around, so I guess I can't help but pick it up. Would you say with your wife that what you thought was a small issue when you first started going out...

I have a big piece, James. What you thought... Okay. Good one. I a big piece, James. What you thought was... Okay. Good one. I'm heterosexual, James. You know I make love to my wife. It took me two seconds.

But would you say whatever was a small issue when you first started dating became larger and larger? Never got fixed? No. Oh, it became larger and larger. No, no, no, no. No, no. What was it that said... Like her passive aggression, for instance.

Did that start off... You noticed a tiny bit in the beginning, and it just became bigger and bigger. Kind of, certainly. There were pieces... Mental stuff doesn't get better on its own. It's an anti-fragile thing. You've got to work at it, right?

You've got to... Anti-fragile. Good hedge fund phrase. Yeah, Nassim Taleb. Yeah. And the other book, too, that he wrote was actually... Black Swan, followed by Randomness. The Swan was tremendous. And, too, that he wrote was actually... Black Swan, pulled by randomness. Black Swan was tremendous.

And, you know, I'm reading now The Undoing Project by Michael Lewis. Oh, yeah, great book. Oh, great, man. Really interesting. And buy my book out later this year. It's a memoir. I think it's going to be called Road Dogg. Road Dogg.

Reinvent yourself, James. We do have to go, but that's... Yes, we'll... You do that. Okay, let me do that. We do have to go, but that's, yes, we'll. You do that. Okay, let me do that. Okay, so Reinvent Yourself by best-selling author of Choose Yourself. Very original in my titles. I always have to have yourself.

James Altucher. Brian Koppelman, co-creator of Billions, has this to say. James is on a very personal journey. He's telling you the story on Saturday. On Sunday, he's talking about how it failed. And on Monday, he's talking about doing it a different way. Is that even a compliment? I'm not sure.

It sounds like a summary. That's why I put it on the front. That's great. I'll let the reader decide if it's a compliment or an insult. Koppelman couldn't come up with something like, this is a great book. It's very good. He had to just fucking say, oh, it's a story, and you'll read it, and it has about a few hundred pages.

That's Coppoman. I tell you, getting a compliment out of that guy. That Coppoman. We don't know who he is. Now, Coppoman, we know he's been here. He's the creator of Billions. He was on our podcast a couple of times. Oh, I thought you were playing around.

He's also co-wrote or wrote or co-wrote the movie Rounders, which I enjoy. Ocean's 13. Ocean's 13 or something. But don't ask him for a blurb if you write a book. He'll give you a crap. What kind of blurb is that? I got to get a blurb. James is on a personal journey.

Yeah. Did you like the book? All right. Anyway, it's got to be good because the Amazon reviews are through the roof. Four stars, five stars, whatever. I saw one that was 18 stars. They changed the rules. They changed the rules just for Al Tuchel's book.

There are galaxies with fewer stars than that book received. They changed the rules to allow for 20 stars. Even Koppelman really enjoyed it. You'd never know it from the blur, but he really enjoyed it. Reinvent Yourself by bestselling author and our guest, James Al-Tuchus. Well, thank you, guys. I don't know how you pronounce his name. I'll touch her.

And we also thank Pamela. I don't know your last name. Thank you. But Pamela stopped by. And who else was on the show today? Marina Franklin. Marina stopped by. Dubbed David off.

I stopped by. Acting, I guess, as co-host. Although that wasn't necessarily the plan. Well, I guess, his co-host. Although, that wasn't necessarily the plan. Well, if Noam would show up. No, no, Noam is, he couldn't make it.

He couldn't make it. He's in Vegas. I don't know what he's doing. I know what he's doing. Anyhow, thank you and we'll see you next time on the Comedy Cell

Show here on The History of the World. God bless everybody.