The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Getting to Know Comic Lev Fer

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

Lev Fer started his stand-up career at just 17 years old in Raleigh, North Carolina. The week that he turned 18, he left his high school early to move to New York City and dive head-first into the world of New York comedy. He hosts his own podcast called The Lev Fer Show and can be seen headlining all over. He just started performing at The Comedy Cellar.

This is Live from the Table, the official podcast of the world-famous comedy cellar, coming at you on Sirius XM 99. Rock on me. Also available wherever you get podcasts, and on YouTube for a multimedia experience. This is Dan Natterman. I'm a comedy cellar regular, though not quite as regular as I once was, for reasons that are not necessarily clear to me.

But I guess it's my own fault. I didn't become famous. I'm here with Perrielle Ashenbrand. She's our producer. Hello. And we're here with a live-from-the-table newbie, I guess. You've never done the show before. Lev Fair.

Fur, yeah, yeah. Fur? Yeah. I love the immediate downslope on your own intro when you started this. You're like a regular formerly. Well, I say that that's sort of my standard intro. Yeah, yeah. It works better when Noam is here because it's sort of like, you know,

a dig and he's just like, well, I don't know what to tell you. Can you not be on an angle? Max, is he straight or are we... People say I'm straight. So this is your first time on Live from the Table. First time here. It is a friendly

podcast. It's part of our Get to Know You series. Yeah, nice. Comics that are sort of new to the comedy seller. Yeah. Not necessarily new in the business, but new to the comedy seller. Yeah, I feel like I've known you for like a decade. I've probably been about that, and we get to know them.

I have a gift, that gift being fine. I can always find something interesting about the person, and I'm sure there's something interesting about you, and I'm sure we'll hit upon it. You sound like Mr. Rogers. I yeah I don't know that's just in any case Lev uh has been working at the comedy cellar for a short time I think a month a few months yeah a few months three months ish oh wow that is new yeah and I guess you came here by way of the standard procedure, which is an audition.

Yeah. Got a few recs, auditioned in front of Esty, and luckily everything went well. And just very grateful. She's been working me a lot. So you're the reason why I'm not as regular as I used to be. I was wondering how long that would take. Well, I put two and two together.

Well, there are a lot of new comics that work here, as you might have noticed. Much more so than in the past. They keep bringing new people in. But let me ask, don't you feel like new people come in, but don't you feel like very few people per year stay here? Yeah, but there's so many new people coming in that even the relatively small percentage of the ones that stay

still are a lot of new people. Yeah. The Comedy Cellar, I mean, I have to give them credit. They are, I think, more than any other club. For a club that people assume is very exclusive, in fact, the opposite is true. They're actively looking. Noam has asked me, who am I missing? I agree with that.

I think the Cellars, and for my money, it's the best comedy club in the world. I also think in New York City, it's one of the easiest to get wrecked and get passed in. Like, there's clubs. Right, if you can do the job, you'll work here. There's other clubs that I wouldn't say is necessarily the case. Yeah, I agree with that. I think, though, I will say of the new comics,

like, let's say of the batch that I got in with, the people that I see working here a lot are killing every single set and the people that I don't see killing every single set they they get filtered out and it's like you know I'd love to be saying this and be one of those people in a month but the uh I do think there's very much a like merit-based do you believe see gnome gnome is of the mind and and if he were here I would let him know this. He believes that killing is the number one marker of a great comic. And although I think killing is a necessary, not necessarily killing all the time, but killing most of the time is a necessary criterion for being a great comic,

it is not sufficient. You need more more in my opinion no if you're killing you're great and i don't agree with that i think if you are a club owner that's how you should feel and i think well i guess as from a dollars and cents point of view maybe that makes sense we would also well here's the thing most clubs in the world are worried about filling seats that's their number one worry so it's like a balance of we need two guys that kill on a show. We need two people that draw from Instagram or TikTok or whatever, and two people that we're developing or whatever, who we can get.

The seller is unique in that maybe this and the Mothership are the only two clubs in the world that they're going to sell out every show so they can just focus on who is murdering, and that's it. They're not worried about bringing an influencer in or whatever like that like but can it are are all murderers equal well no and i'd love i'll make an analogy please you have sex and you have an orgasm and you have sex with another girl and you have an orgasm doesn't mean they're equivalent yeah of course you know um if you only know, so the laugh being the orgasm, are all laughs created equal?

No, of course not. And as you do comedy more, the laugh should change in terms of what kind of laugh you're chasing. You know, it's like there's some laughs that won't kill 100% of the room, but it's a much harder laugh to get. And as you become a better artist,

you should try to have more of those in your act. But the other thing, like if you're just focused on who's killing the the risk is you might get hacks in because nobody kills harder than hacks they just you know they obliterate which is easy shit like following a hack is the the biggest dread because you're like god damn this shit is so simple you know like the the everybody would eat this up but i do think it kind of sorts itself out. And the community of comedy polices itself. And people go, well, that guy's a fucking hack.

Yeah. And slowly. Well, I don't know if it polices itself. I mean, the thing about hacks is there's a lot of them. So you might kill, but you're in competition with a thousand other hacks that also kill. Yeah. And you're not going to get, you're going you're gonna get everybody's gonna think you did great but no one's gonna be like worship you like this guy is something special yeah so if david tell gets the same level of kill as somebody else but nope but but david tells going there's going to be a group of people in that audience that's

going to say i have to know more about this guy i have to listen to no one's going to do that with a hack yeah they just say i enjoyed it and we'll leave it at that well that's my huge fear is like even even after you kill people leave and are like oh that fat guy was funny and they won't ever look you up or like you have to truly like transcend and be great for people to leave going like oh my god that joke i thought about that a week later. Who is that guy? And most people won't think that. Most people won't think about it a week later. But if you get five and the next week you get five and all of a sudden you got an army

of 100,000 people that think you're the greatest, then all of a sudden you have, you know, you have a career at another level. But it's also because I think the only, well, maybe not the only thing that comics care about, but one of the things that comics care about more than anything is that other comics think that they're funny. I agree. Right? Like, that's a sign of respect. Yeah. Every

comic wants to, I think, be respected by their peers. I mean, that's probably the case. When I look at a comic and I decide, is this merely a good comic that does the job or a comic that's great? I ask myself, is there another comic that I can imagine doing that joke or doing it in that style? And if the answer is no, then you've gone and you're killing. You've gone from good to great so i was this i don't want to

bash anybody but i was watching a prominent comic on late night tv recently i don't want to bash anybody but i'm going he comes from another country he's very famous over there and the jokes were all good but i said to myself i could very easily imagine these jokes being told by any number of other comedians and so i said this is a very competent uh stand-up comic but i cannot put him in the pantheon of the greats yeah i think that's totally fair and um there's their killing is is a big part of it but there's also uh there's originality there's style there's like could other people have even come up with that joke and even if they could could they deliver it in the same or would they deliver it in the same way right i mean patrice used to say killing is easy and like it's like that's kind of the minimum it's

like yeah i i am a firm believer in like what are you killing with you know what i mean it's like if i want to see like in the middle of your set some stuff that's harder to get laughs with killing that you've earned enough credit with the crowd that's... Or as you mentioned, they might be killing with half the crowd, but with that half, they're really killing. Yeah, but I will say that even that I think is scary here. Yeah, you don't want to do it because you

might not come back, but... Yeah, if I have a line in the act that only kills 40% of the room, that line is either getting rewritten or it's out. But if it kills 40% of the room, that line is either getting rewritten or it's out. But if it kills 40% of the room consistently and it really kills, then you might have something.

Yeah, but then the other thing is like, I don't know, this place to me is like, you're in the NBA playing every single night and it's just about trying to get a 50-point game every night. Yeah, like you're not here to like futz around, especially not at the beginning.

That's correct. That's a point we've made numerous times on this show is that this is not the club you necessarily want to do your new shit at. And maybe one new joke, you slip it in, but not a whole... Unless... Unless you're doing the new joke night. Right, or unless you're like Dave Chappelle Right, if you have tenure

Tenure But I also, I don't know My belief is like I don't really think, and I might be totally wrong I don't think it matters if the stuff you do here Is new or not I think it matters is like how good is the new And I think

Well you never really know though with the new The new might be good but you never really know though with the new well the new might be good but you don't know it you don't really i'd never know my thing like i would run the bit elsewhere five times okay well then it's not new is that not new five times to me is like five times new bit well five times not new in the sense that i meant it i meant something that's untested yeah and you're taking a chance yeah i think that, unless you are 10 years into being here, is crazy. Like, I think... Well, I'm more than 10 years into being here, but I still don't.

Yeah, it's... You know, but that's what makes this place what it is, is that pressure. Like, there's an intentional pressure put on comics here. But from my point of view, trying to get work done, it's not necessarily the best place. It's the best place from the point of view of the to get work done, it's not necessarily the best place. It's the best place from the point of view of the audience, but from my point of view, what I'm trying to accomplish is to work

new shit out. So from that point of view, it's not necessarily the best place to do that. Where do you like to work shit out? Well, if I mention the club, they'll think that I'm just using them as a garbage dump. But other clubs, I feel less pressure. Other clubs.

Yeah, and so... So like corporate gigs or private gigs? Of course, no, corporate. Any gig where they're paying me actual real money, I do the best of. Yeah. The best of Natterman?

The best of Natterman. I don't... That's, by the way, a good title for something. I think that this place, like, yeah, you shouldn't just be throwing shit at the wall, but the other thing is, like, the way that this place is actually kind of good for

new material is if you're trying to polish something into like all right i'm putting this new joke in is it killing as hard as all the old stuff like it's a great litmus to like put it in here of like this joke's killed five times can i get it in here because like from the booker's perspective or for staffers like if they don't know what's new like i came in here being able to do over an hour of material um you don't know what i'm choosing out of that hour it's just a matter of like is it hitting is it really hitting it you could sneak something new in to test it yeah if everything else is tried and true everything else has got a hit like uh i had i had one set here like a few nights ago where like i did it i did a dark joke they were very into it got a huge pop so i was like

all right you guys like dark so i did another one and then i was like i literally told the crowd i go i don't usually do this bit it's like my darkest bit here we and they were like you know they were going crazy for it but it's also like you're feeling that it has the set going what is this crowd liking you know but you know it's i do think this place like i've gotten probably since i got here a new five or ten minutes of just this stuff was a minus or b or newer and now it's like really in the set where it's just killing every time like so it does it's great at polishing stuff that you already believe in like and i i also't think the staff here is sitting around going, like, if a joke's killing, they're not going,

is that new? What is he doing? You know what I mean? Well, some of them that might, if they hear you every night, they might say, that's something I haven't heard before. Yeah. I don't know. I'd have to talk to the staff. Personally, I...

We should probably have the staff here for an episode. We have some interesting people on the staff. Haley used to work at a psychiatric hospital. I have news for you. Haley is still working at a psychiatric hospital. I didn't know that. No, I'm saying downstairs is a psychiatric hospital. Oh, okay.

That's good. All right. I didn't pick up on that, but it was good. Thank you. Not that good if you didn't pick up on it. Maybe I'm just stupid. Anyway. Can we get to the Get to Know You part of the series?

The Get to Know Lev. Well, we're getting to know him, but yes, we're going to get to know him. We're getting to know his thoughts on comedy, which is part of getting to know Lev. That's part of what makes Lev, Lev. You were born in Russia. Is that correct? No, I'm first generation. My folks and my brother were born

in Uzbekistan. Jews from there. And then when I was born here the year they got here in upstate New York, raised in Raleigh, North Carolina, down south. Wow. Yeah. And then Uzbeki Jew raised in North Carolina. In the south. Yeah. And it was, people always

ask, like, what was it like? I was the only Jewish kid down there. Obviously. But it was just so. Raleigh's a big town, I mean. He didn't say Raleigh. Did you say Raleigh? Yeah, I came from Raleigh.

Like, where I grew up, I didn't know any Jewish kids. But also, like, nobody cared. Like, there wasn't, you know, because, like, Stalin, like, basically wiped religion out. So my parents weren't religious people. But, you know, you just But nobody really gave a shit. It wasn't enough of a thing where people were like, you're Jewish. Nobody just even knew what that meant,

even in my own family. Nobody really cared. And then I turned 18, left high school early, moved. Oh, you didn't graduate high school? I graduated early. Oh, you graduated early. I technically never got a diploma or anything. That's what graduation is.

I mean, you never got the actual piece of paper. Never got the paper. I was supposed to go pick it up, and I was already in New York doing stand-up at the time. Wow, so at 18, you moved to New York. I wish I had done that. I went to UPenn. I went to law school.

So it doesn't have the same cachet as I dropped out and went to New York. You know, if you pull it off, you got to pull it off. Yeah, you got to as i dropped out and went to new york you know if you pull it off you got to pull it off yeah you got to pull it you got to pull it off you got to become a star but i and then it's a cool story everybody said well you fucking left high school i was like fuck this and everybody said what are you doing and and then you made it and then that's a better story than well i went to penn and then i went to law school yeah but your your path also like makes sense for you like you're a very smart, literary guy. Yeah, thank you.

But it would have been better, all the better, if I had done the unexpected thing. I think it's a... I just ditched high school at 16. I think it's a grass is greener thing, man. I'm jealous that you know stuff and your brain works. Well, you can always know stuff. You just have to read.

Everything for him is grass is greener, though. That's all. No, no, no. You don't give me credit for sometimes. When you deserve credit, I always give you credit. A couple weeks ago when I did that taping, I said it went great. And I gave you credit. I always give you credit

when you deserve credit. I think I'm a pretty fair judge of myself. No, you're not at all. You're a terrible, you're a total empty half glass. Get his ass. Yes or no? I mean, I have the texts to prove it. Yeah, well, but you get right in very low moments. Sure.

But this is the problem with comedy. If one club starts booking you slightly less, you just don't value yourself anymore. Actually, that doesn't bother me so much, because I know the score. There's a bunch of younger kids with, you know, I mean, how long are they going to keep me around? You're a great comedian, Dan Amron. I just think that needs to be said.

I'm a real fan of your work. Thank you, Lev. Is Lev your full first name? No, it's Lev hyphen Leon. It was supposed to be Leon. After Leon Trotsky, of course. Yeah, probably. But then Lev fucking died that week.

Who's Lev? He was my mom's grandfather or something. It's a great name, by the way, Lev. I like the name. It's not a bad name. No, it's an amazing name. I like your name. I mean, it's very Jewish, obviously.

Yeah, yeah. Is there much Jewish content in your act? I opened with a quick one, but other than that, not much. You find it's because people just don't respond. It's not a thing like being black in America.

But it's not his thing. But I'm saying, but if he were black, it would be his thing. Being black in America is such an overwhelming thing. It's so overwhelming that you have to say the H. It's overwhelming. Whereas being, people, most people really don't give a shit about being Jewish, I don't think. Well, tell them.

That are not Jewish. I mean, yeah, if you're Jewish, they care. You go play for a synagogue and they want to hear about it. But the average person doesn't, it's not you're Jewish, they care. You go play for a synagogue and they want to hear about it. But the average person doesn't. It's not really part of the American fabric. Yeah, yeah. I don't think. To me, it's just like I just haven't found anything all that funny yet.

Like, you know, hopefully you have. You want to have great bits about everything. I just don't have a great bit about that right now. So I don't want to waste people's time with it, you know? Yeah, I have a couple of bits, but they revolve around things that everybody stereotypes that everybody knows, like, you know, being cheap, picking up a quarter. Yeah, yeah. You know. It's a good utility in the act.

You can't really delve into it any more deeply than that, because if I start talking about I make a joke about Yom Kippur, then no one's going to know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Right. Unless I'm at a synagogue. But that's specific. I mean, that's what I'm saying. but the black experience in America is known to all. It's such an overriding

part of American history and everybody's interested in it. My favorite Jewish comedian is actually black. You guys know Yamika Saunders? Thought of that on the way here, folks. She heard that?

No, no, I literally just thought of that. She has to hear that. That would be a great character, is Yamaka Saunders. How did your family react when you, I mean, for some people, like in my family, for me to not finish high school or to not go to college would have been just unacceptable i don't know maybe the uzbeks are not like that my folks my dad moved from the soviet union like they had a great life there they were committing crime they were they had boats they were killing it over

there they moved here because he was like i just don't i didn't want to teach my kids that you had to do that to survive which was the only way to make money and stay ahead there so for it for me to be like the one that broke off was like i'm not going to business school i'm not doing this shit like that was i remember i told my dad i was already doing stand up at the time when i was like 17 i was like i'm gonna move to new york and do comedy he like was just eating like an immigrant fruit and was just like didn't look up at me i was like don't even think about it he's like you go to school after you go to college do whatever you want that's it and it was i was like all right we'll talk in a couple months and then uh we were like i was you know

doing stand-up every night and then i hit him with the thing of like look i know this is like the thing i'm supposed to be doing this is like what the only thing i give a shit about in life is doing this and finally he kind of had that moment of like all right if it's if it's your dream like whatever and but i think in the back of his head he was also probably like look i give him two years of doing this and we'll see what happens and i my grandma lived in brighton beach brooklyn i was like let me crash on your futon i'll be in and out in a month i just got to get a day job i was she let me stay there for five years oh just ruining you didn't look that hard for a day job, apparently.

I was actually waitering making a ton of money, but I was like an idiot. We were making 50 bucks an hour cash, and I would just go blow it playing underground poker every night from like 18. Oh my God. She probably loved having you there. She did, but I was also just such a shithead,

just such an unappreciative kid. It was the first time living out of the house, like 18. Like, I had a lot of growing up to do. But genuinely, I don't know if I'd be able to, like, be doing stand-up today if it wasn't for her, like, you know, letting me do that. Did you ever tell her that? No, she died the first week I got there.

No, no, yeah. I don't say it enough, you know. Obviously, I appreciate it. But, yeah. So that was, then I got here at 18, started, no. Yeah, I don't say it enough, you know. Obviously, I appreciate it. But, yeah. So that was, then I got here at 18, started just grinding. And had you been to New York? I mean, that must have been kind of like mind-blowing to go from South Carolina to Brighton Beach. Again, Raleigh is not Mayberry.

There you go. I mean, it's not New York City. It's a pretty big town. I will say, though, there was a huge culture shock for me when I got here. Thank you, love. Like, I saw it the first time I was here. I saw a gay couple kiss, and I was like, I've never seen that before. And also, everybody knows what New York looks like from television.

Yeah. Yeah, but it's still, he just said he'd never seen a gay couple kiss. Yeah, not since I moved out of my dad's. I bet you there's some areas of Raleigh where there's a big... It must be a... I think now, for sure. Now, I don't think anybody gives a shit, but...

By the way, is this on Sirius? I don't know. Are we on Sirius on this? Yeah, you can say whatever you want. All right, cool. I was really holding back. Cosby's my favorite comedian. Anyways, now, what were we talking about?

You said Culture Shock coming from Raleigh, which Perriel thinks is a population 300. But Raleigh's also changed a lot over the last decade, like since I was there. I didn't see gay folks openly being gay. I didn't see people openly being Muslim. That was like a different thing. It was all kind of tucked away.

So when I got here, I was like, holy shit. I've heard, like when I saw Muslim people, I was like, I've heard so much about you guys. Well, wait, wait. They don't have Ubers down there? It was white guys Ubering down there. This was a decade ago in Raleigh. Yeah, it was.

We still had white Ubers. I will be darned. The most places I go in the country, the Uber drivers are all from the same places. Yeah. I mean, now it's the same 12 Indian guys anywhere you go, you know, all over the world. And what with the current crisis in the Middle East,

it's a little bit tense. Yeah. I always feel like, you know, I don't know. I don't ask them about their opinion on the matter. You think you could just tell that you're that Jewish just from you getting in the car? I think they know. You know, when I was in Iraq,

the only person that knew I was Jewish was an Iraqi guy. Like, all the soldiers are from such environments. Wait a second. But the Iraqis, they know. Wait a second. When were you in Iraq? Because I was doing shows for the troops there. When?

2008. The fact that you flew to Iraq is... Well, I flew to Kuwait, then we flew... Yeah, from Kuwait, we flew to Iraq. I mean, that's... That's what? I don't know. I mean, that seems like potentially very dangerous.

No, because they didn't send us to areas where there was danger. You know, we went to bases. We helicoptered from base to base. You know, the dangerous part was like driving on the street where there's like bombs, where there's like mines.

You didn't do any of that? No, we just flew from one base to another. And if there was anything going on, we wouldn't go. And then we just landed and we did the show and then we took off and we went to another place. I don't know, fine tune active war zone seems to be...

And I did get injured over there. What happened? I jumped off a 10-foot diving platform and landed in the water wrong. Are you serious? That's the most Jewish injury ever. You landed in water wrong.

You know, water's like concrete when you hit it hard. From 10 feet? It was 30 feet. 10 meters. First of all, what Dan Natterman is this that jumped 30 feet in Iraq? He had just watched Eat, Pray, Love. Well, it was a pool, you know, under water. I mean, I didn't want to do it.

Right. But it was at... Saddam Hussein had this, like, resort that he used to entertain his people, you know, that were high up in Iraq. So the American army took it over and made it like an R&R place for soldiers. Right, right. So we did a show there. And then we went into the pool and there was a 10 meter platform.

And I'm climbing up. I get to the top and I'm thinking, I don't know if I can do this. Yeah, this is. But there's a bunch of soldiers down there that had been in combat. And I just couldn't bring myself to climb back down. And so I said, I'm going off this board. That's it. And I walked to the edge and I jumped and then I hit, fucked up.

And that was how 9-11 happened. And then my ass, bone, my coccyx was injured. You know, I couldn't sit down. Wait, you jumped into a pool? Yeah, a swimming pool. I thought you like jumped off of like the side of what, how do you jump wrong into a swimming pool? You don't hit straight up and down.

You hit at an angle. Water is hard. You ever have a belly flop? It's a belly flop like it's a medical condition. You've ever have a belly flop? You can fuck it. That's why. Belly flop like it's a medical condition. You've never suffered from belly flop? Well, but most people have experienced that. Yeah, okay. But.

People die when they jump off bridges. Yeah, but that's like 5,000 feet. And I didn't die, but I did get a bruised coccyx. That's the difference between the Brooklyn Bridge and the 10 meter bridge. So how did you tend to that? Did you get a the RV nurse? I fucking muscled through it. That's how. I hope you talk about this story on dates.

This is a great story. I haven't had a date in a while. We've got to get Dan a wife. I don't know that I want. I mean, look, at my age, I don't have a wife. There's probably a reason. I mean, let's face it. I think, you know, after 40 people stop saying he hasn't met the right person and they just say, yeah, there's probably a reason. I mean, let's face it. I think, you know, after 40

people stop saying he hasn't met the right person and they just say, yeah, there's something wrong with the dude. I've said this for years. That I think Dan would be a great boyfriend and a great husband. There's no evidence to support that. I mean, I think I know you well enough to be able

to make an informed actually opinion. Let's just use this as a jumping off point if you will. Yeah. We're just talking about jumping off. Yeah. To the more personal side of Lev. The quick deflection immediately. Well because I find you a lovable guy. You are the guest. Well I'm not saying otherwise. Yeah. But whether I'd be a great boyfriend or husband is another matter. Um, when I met Lev, yeah,

it was about 10 years ago. Um, I hope you don't mind bringing this up because you discuss it. Yeah. Really quickly. I know where you're going with this, but I just want to say, imagine if you're Saddam,

how furious you'd be. Just, they take over your palaces and it's just Jews jumping off the board. I mean, I would be fucking furious if that's me. I don't know if Saddam was dead by then. Didn't they

drag him out of the sewer? I think he was dead by 2008. In 08? Yeah. I think he might have been. We can look that up on the internet. Anyway, you know where I'm going. It's a little touchy. No, it's not touchy at all. It's not touchy at all. Touch me all you want, Dan Aderman. Lev was so gorgeous.

Thank you. This is why he's single. He died in 06. He died in 06. Gorgeous Lev died in 06. And you could see it when you look at him. You could see it in there. There's an attractive guy in there somewhere.

Well, you see the face. But then he got heavy. Yeah. That's a nice way to word it. You know. And so what happened? Well, here's the thing. somewhere well you see the face but then he got heavy yeah that's a nice way to word it you know and so what happened uh well here's the thing i people think that i i used to be a very attractive young man people think that that was my whole life i had a one or two year window where i was a hot guy and that was it i was a fat kid just in third grade even i was just mushing my stomach in

the mirror going like this this doesn't seem right. Like, I shouldn't be this. And then I was doing just so much living in Brooklyn, you know, traveling every day, two hours on the train, walking everywhere, doing so many open mics back then as a kid that like I just lost so much weight. And now it's, you know, it's all back from pandemic and everything else. But also, really what happened was once I could afford to move into the city, I was in short walking distance of all the comedy clubs. So all of a sudden, I'm going from 20,000 steps a day to 4,000. And I'm a real pig when it comes to eating. Well, yeah.

Well, why wouldn't you be? No, I'm saying. I mean, yeah, food is amazing. But during that two-year golden age, then. Yeah, that's when we met. I had blonde hair. It was, yeah, it was a hot. What, did you have a lot of fun?

I mean. Oh, yeah. I was, at the time, I had a podcast that was listened to solely by young women. And I would go sell out small shows, like, on the road. And it was insane. Yeah, it was the best. But it wasn't so good that you could go back to that. You could have that again with a little effort.

It wouldn't be easy. Now I'm retired. I'm out of the game. I've been with my girl for four-ish years, something like that, four or five, whatever. I had two years of just being an absolute slut where every night I was like, if I wasn't hooking up with a stranger,

I was like, had felt horrible about myself. This is the only place I was like getting validation. That got very tiring. Eventually you'd be having sex with somebody in the middle of it. You would just be like, why am I doing this? And then that's when I knew it was kind of time to get in a relationship.

And then me and my girlfriend, she just kept kind of hanging hanging around for nine months. And then I was like, you know what? I think I love this person. And your girlfriend, she wouldn't like to see that thin love? Oh, no. She's on me every day. She wakes up and there's McDonald's wrappers.

It's like being a junkie. It's like she's dating an addict. You know what I mean? But she doesn't mind. Oh, she minds. I get texts. I dating an addict. You know what I mean? Like, it's. She's, but she doesn't mind. Oh, she minds. I get texts. I get calls. I get, when I get into bed.

It's probably like quitting cigarettes. You can't do it. Just started that too. You know? He's got gum and cigarettes. Yeah. Do you think that your career would be better served that the the that way or the current lev here's the problem is i'm just such a fat piece of shit at heart like and i just always goes better with your personality anyway

i think it makes me a little more likable i think that i'm very vain especially when i'm like in shape and that's i hate wasting mental energy on that. I personally, I could ride out the rest of my life at this size. It bothers me slightly, but not enough to really give a shit. The only reason I want to get in shape is because my girlfriend wants me to get in shape. If we have kids, then you want to be

fit to be able to take care of yourself. You also want to live longer. I guess. You're not at a level where it's going to necessarily affect your health, I don't think. I hide it well. I mean, you know. I guess. I don't know. You're not at a level where it's going to necessarily affect your health, I don't think. I'm probably dying. Okay.

Yeah. Did you just start smoking? I've been trying to start for years. Just hasn't taken. Yeah, it's really hard for me to smoke cigarettes, but I'm really trying

to push through that. Why? It's just so cool. No, I'm kidding. I just want to piss everybody in just so cool. No, I'm kidding. I just want to piss everybody in the room off. No, I love cigarettes, and I'm like an addict struggling to not smoke. My only real addiction in life is gambling.

That's like, I can, if I get locked into a poker thing, I can just, I mean, during the pandemic, I must have lost like 40 grand just playing poker. That's the only thing that really gets me into that addict mindset. Cigarettes, though, I think if I went

to enough therapy and got down to the bottom of it, it would probably just be that I miss my dad. He smokes. That's probably it. And also, I'm outside between spots, so it's like, what else are you going to do? Cigarettes are really fun. Yeah, it's a great excuse.

I don't even love cigarettes, but I love being outside. Even in the winter? In the winter, no. I mean, I could literally not smoke for weeks, and I would not care. I hate you. Those are camels. That's a pretty heavy-duty cigarette, I guess. I mean, as cigarettes go, it's a, I think, I don't know. It's, I don't know. It's no filter or something.

No. It's high nicotine. No. It depends on what kind of camel you're smoking. I mean, you can buy camels that don't have filters, but you can also buy camel lights. I don't know what those are. I can't see them from here. Just camel blues.

Yeah. Did you ever smoke cigarettes? I never did because I'm too much of a hypochondriac and a worrywart about health. Yeah. So I don't smoke. If you lived a day... I had a recent scare where I went to the doctor and my blood pressure was elevated and it sent me into a fucking tailspin. Yeah.

And then I got a blood pressure monitor and I checked it. And then because I was so fucking out of my mind, it would get ridiculously high readings. And then he bought another monitor. I bought another one just to cross-check it. I got two blood pressure monitors. You needed a second opinion on a monitor? Well, because what happened is it started to come down. Yeah.

And I was like, I want to make sure this is right. Yeah, yeah. Because it came down a normal level. Yeah, but that's what spiking your blood pressure is, worrying about this shit. But now it's down to a very nice level. Nice. So I think that I, I mean, I don't know, maybe I didn't convince you, Blood pressure is worrying about this shit. But now it's down to a very nice level. Nice. So I think that I, I mean, I don't know, maybe I didn't convince you,

but I tried to convince you that two blood pressure machines can't be wrong. I agree with you. That's why I bought two. Because I wanted them to corroborate. One of them does read slightly higher, but they're both in roughly the same ballpark. Does your living room just look like a doctor's office? No, just two. And now I take my blood pressure just because I love to see how low it is.

Before I was taking it because I was worried how high it is, and now I'm just like, check this out. 118 over 75. How old are you, Dan? 54. Really? I thought you were like 42. Well, I dye my hair. But thank you. What's going to happen next time you go to the doctor and it's high?

I'm going to say, look, I don't give a fuck what your machine says. You are going to say that. I'm going to say, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Because my machine at home, no, I'll tell her. I get like, it's called white coat syndrome. There's a name for it. Yeah. I'd say, I have white coat syndrome. What the hell is that?

That's when you go to the doctor's office and you're worried because the doctor wears a white coat. That's why they call it that. I have white coat syndrome. So you know, this reading is not valid. My readings at home are substantially lower. At what point he was trying to

get the doctor's blood pressure machine and take that one home. No, because she said, because the doctor said, come back in a couple weeks, take your blood pressure at home and monitor it. Yeah. Then come back here with the blood pressure monitor

so I can calibrate it against my blood pressure monitor so that we know if yours is accurate or not. Yeah. I said nothing doing because I'm going to come in here, and my mind is going to somehow, because blood pressure is so psychological. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you have a baseline.

So I said, I'm going to come in here, and you're going to take my blood pressure on my machine, and it's going to read low. Because my body is going to make it read low. Yeah, yeah. And then you're going to take it on your machine, and my body is going to make it read low yeah and then you're going to take it on your machine and my body's going to make that read high because my butt because my mind is trying to just kill me it's been trying to kill me yeah um and you're going to say your machine's invalid so we're not doing that so i love this so i didn't tell i i said why don't you i tell you what i said i tell you what, I said this by text, but it's better in person.

It sounds better. I said, I'll tell you what, you find a machine that you know is accurate and then I'll take it home and use it. Why the fuck do you, you could use me as a guinea pig to validate your machine. You're using your machine. You must think it's accurate. So give me that machine. And then he wanted her to test somebody else.

No, I didn't ask her to, I said to you, I wanted her to test somebody else No I didn't ask her I said to you I wanted her No I said You fucking find a group You want a control group? I want a peer controlled peer reviewed study Of the machine Using 20 people under controlled circumstances I just didn't think that was a valid test

Because I know that by mind I would figure out a way to make... But as it turns out, you're just fine. Thank God. Well, no, I'm not fine at all. But my blood pressure is fine. My cholesterol is slightly elevated. My LDL or HDL.

That's probably just me being contagious. Could be, but no, it was... Anyway. So that's why I don't smoke because I'm that... Because, yeah, I'm that, you know, because. Yeah, I'm scared of dying, I guess. It would help if I believe in God.

Yeah. You don't? No. Because then I'd be like, fuck it, I'll die and I'll go to heaven. Why would you think you're going to hell if you believed in God? How do you know you're going to heaven? Well, if I believe in God, I would do what was necessary to go to heaven. Okay.

What if it was gay stuff? And if that's what it took for an eternity of bliss, of course. You have to get into heaven, you have to take a blood pressure reading. Definitely committed carnal sins. But I don't believe in God, so I'm not concerned. But if you did, I think you would just be worried the whole time that you're going to hell. Maybe, maybe. Man, that's a valid point.

That's a valid point. Yeah, if you were a religious dude, you'd be a nut job. That's all you'd think about. If I felt that there was... If I believed that there was an eternity of bliss awaiting me after this life, then I would not care about my

health. In fact, I would probably do everything I could to hasten the arrival of that day. Yeah. You know. Yeah. I don't know that I believe in a heaven, but I am living that way of just rushing there. Well, you're also

younger, so it's not as... Yeah. You know, when you get to your 50s and you start, it becomes more in your face, but... Well, you were like this before you... I was, because I'm... Yeah, I was. Because I'm gifted in that way. But, so you're not a

religious person either. You know, I think a part of me would like to be. We'd all like to be. I have a suspicion that by the time I'm like 50, I'll be a religious person. I don't know. I think. That is a wild thing to say. Well, you can't force it.

Either you believe or you don't. I'm not forcing it. This is the thing. Like, you read a little Dov Stoyevsky and all of a sudden you don't know. You know? So, I think that you might be better off believing there's something just for the sake of humanity. Yes, but you can't make yourself believe it if you don't truly believe it. Yeah, but I think it's literally like a 51-49 split in my head.

Oh, because you think there's a reasonable possibility that there's something beyond this. No, I think it's completely unreasonable i think it's it's just a matter of like i look if i had to really break it down i think there's a maybe a less than one percent chance that any all of this religious shit is real yeah i still think a part of me wants it like a 51 i think maybe it leads to a more fulfilling life i think right but you have to i don't think you can i think you either have that or you don't well you can be people become more spiritual they can become that way but it's not something you can make happen to me it's like that it has to happen because you naturally believe it yeah but also as people get

older as they get closer to death they become become spiritual, they start to become religious. To me, it's like that scene in the Irish. I don't know. That's not really what I've observed. Or if you start reading or going, attending. Listen, I saw this woman yesterday. I went to this fundraising event who I'd known when we were, I don't know, younger or whatever, and she told me she was wearing a wig.

She said that she'd become religious and she was wearing a wig. She said that she'd become religious and she was wearing a wig now, which it didn't look like she was. She was wearing a skin-tight dress and I was like, I can see your nipples. What difference does it make if you're wearing a wig? I mean, I think that you can... Well, she had a merkin on too.

Well, but I don't know the point that you're getting. I'm saying that I think that if you want to... You can adopt the trappings, but to believe... You can adopt the trappings. You can go to church or synagogue or a mosque or ashram. You can do those things,

but in order to believe it, that you have to really just believe. You can't fake that. I think you underestimate how del just believe you can't you can't fake that i think you underestimate how delusional people can be i mean just even just even comics like i'm not sure i think i think these i i know comedians that are so bad at comedy that instead of just getting better they think there's a grand conspiracy against them that all of comedy has decided to come together and not book them.

That's how delusional people can be. Okay, but that's not you. You're not that way. So what makes you think that at some point you're going to be delusional enough to believe in God? Well, to me, have you ever seen The Irishman? Yes. To me, that's just a movie. Are you talking about Kevin Brennan? That's good. No, I've seen the movie.

Yeah, to me, that whole movie is just about getting old and the fear of getting old and what comes with that. And at the scene where Pesci is old as hell in prison and now he's going to a church service in prison, and De Niro's like, what? What are you doing? And he just goes, you'll see. To me, that's how people are. It may well be that when you're closer to it,

you have no choice. For your own sanity, you become religious. Although I've read that people, I've read that fear of death is more of a young man's sport at 60. Now, no one says that this hasn't happened to him, but that for some reason, the human brain just has less fear of mortality as you get closer to it. For some reason, it's just perhaps an adaptation, an adaptive thing that the human brain does. It's probably part of that. It's probably just you're also just tired. Or maybe life isn't fun anymore, so fuck it.

Yeah. Like my grandparents, they seemed to never give a shit about death. There was never any fear. And I would ask them, like, aren't you terrified? And they're like, yeah, who gives a shit? Yeah, there was an episode of Seinfeld like that where George, right? Remember, there was an episode, he's talking to this old guy, and he's like, it's coming any minute now.

How are you so calm? Yeah, yeah. And the guy's like, I just enjoy every minute. Yeah. So anyway. So what is the root of your hypochondria? Is it the fear of death? My root is that there's no God, and we're all hurtling toward the abyss, and I'm

trying to hang on. You can't just accept that? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Some people don't seem to be fearful. I remember William Stevenson, for whoever's listening that might not know, he's a comic that used to work here,

and he died about three or four years ago of a heart attack about 63 for something like that so and he smoked and he was very very overweight and he was standing outside the comedy club maybe six months a year before he died smoking after you know having just eaten a plate of chicken wings or something unhealthy and marina fang said hey william you know we're worried about you i. We want to have you around. Maybe you should take care of yourself. And William was just like, hey, when it's time to go,

it's time to go. So he seemingly had no concern. That's like my dad. My dad was very overweight my whole life, smoker, and even as a kid, one time we saw an eclipse. I must have been 10 or something. He just

nudged me and was like, I might not be around for the next one. So just keep that in mind. And I'm like, way to ruin the first time I see the moon be red. Wait, he's still alive, though? He's still alive, yeah. He just moved to Europe. He's in Bulgaria. How old is he? He's 56. What? Your father is 56? Yeah, they're Russians.

They had kids when they were like, you know, they're like European men. How old are you? 27. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. I thought you were in your 30s. Yeah, I look horrible. Wow.

No, I just assume that you're working here. You've been at this a while. But again, of course, you started very young. Yeah, yeah. I'm about to be 10 years into comedy. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I feel old as fuck.

That's literally half my age. I mean, I feel like me and you hang out, you know? No, yeah, I mean,

look, comics, we're all young, young at heart, you know? Comedians are... You said that the oldest way possible,

just grunting it out of your chest. Comedians, we're like eternal children in many ways even the ones that are married and have children are children sorry I keep bringing shit back but you know some, you know, in comedy

some of the people we get to work with are truly brilliant people, and some of those people are religious who is that? I think a Louis believes in God I think so I think so he does oh really i think so well i i don't know i'd hate to put him out there but you so you're saying that

surprises you that that an intelligent person would believe but i'm saying like how do you like how do you explain like he seems to me like somebody who might have not when he was younger and maybe does now i don't know i can't remember what I'm getting not that what he says on stage is necessarily what he believes, of course, but I feel like he has like bit about how God doesn't exist. He's reading the Bible in the last special that he put out, which by the way, live at the Dolby.

What an underrated comedy special. I can't believe maybe that was a Jervais. I mean, Ricky Gervais. Well, how do I would I explain that? I would explain it. Either it could be just the desire, wishful thinking, you know, as you alluded to earlier. Or maybe he's so brilliant that he knows something I don't know. And he's...

You know, maybe I'm missing something. It seems completely illogical and ridiculous to me, but... I don't think being intelligent and believing in something are those things are mutually exclusive. I mean, they're a science. They're not mutually exclusive, but I do wonder whether there's a relationship between the two. Well, what about, like, brilliant scientists and doctors

who believe in God? Yeah, they're out there. I just... On the whole, I wonder if there's some correlation between intelligence and belief in God. Max, you're welcome to look it up. You're certainly not obligated to do so. I think that

Dan, can you swivel back a little bit the other way? Just a little sideways. If you move the chair back, no, not back. Straight. Yeah, be straight in it. Dan, you're not acting straight enough.

Scoochin. Yeah. Straight. Yeah, be straight in it. Yeah. Yeah, Dan, you're not acting straight enough. Okay. I think that... Scooch in. Here's what I think happens. I think some truly brilliant minds... Part of the job of being a comic is just sitting around and thinking and just letting your brain work. I think that somebody who is brilliant, like Louie, who probably has a pretty deep understanding of the human condition.

I think when those people, once you clear, all right, why are we here? What are people like? What is the human condition? I think your brain kind of goes to, all right, what's the next infinite thing I could think about?

And I think religion's a very natural thing that people go to as they get older. And this is all being said from a non-religious person. Noam, by the way, wants to freeze himself. Right now? A meta-analysis, a meta-analysis and an update analysis

by the same research group have found a measurable negative correlation between intelligence quotient and religiosity. Negative meaning the higher the intelligence, the lower the religiosity. According to this meta analysis. I don't know exactly what a meta analysis is. It's on Facebook, a Facebook poll.

But Instagram says otherwise. This makes sense to me. Instagram is meta too, actually. On average. Wait, go down. There was another one right there. That one. This is the National Institute of Health.

A significant negative association between intelligence and religiosity. That's really interesting. But here's the interesting thing to me. It's like, yes, on average, a lot of religious people are. I think that's true. There's going to be a negative correlation because a lot of the world is Muslim. Just kidding. Just sneaking one in.

Let's see if I can break the camera crew. But all of the most successful comics I know, I think, are religious. All the most successful musical artists. I think there's also, at the top level, there's a God-fearingness amongst the biggest people in the world. Yeah, look at Tom Cruise. Kevin Hart, Shane Gillis, I think Louis.

Chappelle. Yeah, Chappelle. Every actor, every great musician, the first thing they do is they go up and they thank God and then Harvey Weinstein. It's like, you know. There is still... It's a fair point, actually. He's not wrong. Yeah, well, that's interesting.

You know, I don't know what to make of that. I got him. I stumped Dan Aderman. I don't know what to make of that. You know, it could be that their relatability, because so much of America is religious, and their relatability might in part stem from them having religious beliefs because that's what Americans like.

That's why presidents never say that they're agnostic or atheist. The president will always go to church, puts up the Christmas tree, God bless America and God we trust. No president would openly say that they don't believe just because it doesn't go over well with the American public. So it may be that the part of the appeal of these artists that you mentioned, I'm just throwing it out there.

Or maybe they're faking it because they know America likes it. No, they're not faking it. No, Tom Cruise isn't faking it. Yeah. But when people go up and say, thank God, you know. I think these artists don't,

I don't think they start religious. I think they get hyper successful and then that spirituality comes along. Or maybe you do have to have some belief in something in order, like the odds of being successful on any level. Maybe they just can't believe that they've achieved. No, but to believe that you can easily be that successful.

But also as you get older, let's say you're a comic, you're 30 years old, you're 40, life will happen to you. And all of a sudden, your father might die or something like that.

He very well might. Yeah. He probably will at some point. Yeah, at some point. And people cope and look for different answers and ways to get through life in different ways.

And I think a lot of people end up... I don't think Chappelle grew up religious. Like I don't think Kevin Hart grew up like, I would guess in their twenties and thirties, they weren't the most religious people. And then that changes as you get older. And as I was like, I think. Yeah, I think that that's true.

I know somebody who wasn't religious at all and was a single mom and had two kids and then she got breast cancer and she thought that she might die. And thank God. It's not the worst kind of cancer. Pancreatic is the worst kind of cancer. and then she got breast cancer and she thought that she might die. It's not the worst kind of cancer. Pancreatic is the worst kind of cancer. No, I just meant, you know, just because some tits might be sacrificed. And she suddenly believed in God.

Yeah. But that doesn't answer the question why Jamie Foxx and Kevin Hart and all this. I gave you a plausible. Because they don't have breast cancer. As far as you know, Jamie Foxx was hospitalized. Yes. I just gave you, like, I think to believe maybe.

Okay, but then you brought this other thing up that wasn't. Okay, but I mean, I'm giving you a few options. Well, the second option, I don't like that option. Okay. Because anyway. Is anybody in your family religious? No. Well, the second option, I don't like that option. Because, anyway. Is anybody in your family religious? No. Well, not in my immediate family. But in my extended family,

they were more observant. But if you grow up religious, right? Well, you might grow up keeping the customs. That doesn't mean you necessarily believe either. There's people that go to church or synagogue because it's something to do. I don't think they're all religious. Yeah. Also, people that go to church or synagogue because it's something to do. I don't think they're all religious.

Also, people look for community. Exactly. Community fulfillment. What about the Mormons? I don't know much about them. I didn't see the play. It's great. I didn't see the play either. I just watched it this year.

What does your girlfriend do? She gets on my fucking nerves. Now, she helps get like section eight houses funded, like under in, and she's also a very talented painter. Wow. So, like your house, you need a coat of paint?

I'm dating a Mexican man. She's a very talented, conventional painter. Oh, you mean a fine artist? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I... I wouldn't call her fine,

but you know. Does she sell her paintings? Perhaps I... She does, yeah. Because I'm looking to... doing some redecorating, perhaps. I'll send you her stuff, but I don't want to give you

any implication or pressure to... No, I... You know, I... But I'm happy to support... If I'm decorating, I'm happy to support a local artist. They start at $10,000.

Well, then, no. Wait, really? No, but you do have to support a local artist. They start at $10,000. Well, then no. Really? No, but you do have to take a blood pressure reading. Okay. Have you still not purchased any art? One thing at a time. I'm getting a Murphy bed. You know how fucking expensive a Murphy bed is?

How much? To get it installed? Like five grand. Yeah, that's right. All in. Yeah, that's right. This is just sitcom live. Yeah,. Like five grand. Yeah, that's right. All in. Yeah, that's right. This is just sitcom live. Yeah, like five fucking grand.

Why would a Murphy bed be five grand? Because they got to fucking install the thing. But why are you getting a Murphy bed? Because I have a small apartment and I want space. Dude, don't get a Murphy bed. Well, it's too fucking late. I've already fucking paid the deposit. Don't get a Murphy bed.

I'm already 2,500 in. Can't you get it back? Why is that crazy? I told you not to get a Murphy bag. A, you didn't tell me, and B, even if you told me, I'm getting a Murphy bag. I hope that every day it just doesn't click right into place. No, it's a nice... When you have a studio, you want to save space.

Yeah. And I've read that it's a value added. Like if somebody wants to... If somebody wants to what? a studio, you want to save space. I've read that it's a value added. If somebody wants to what? If you're selling, ever selling and a Murphy bed's installed. Okay. It's just a great way to accidentally kill someone. Nobody's buying an apartment

because there's a fucking Murphy bed. They don't have to do the... In other words, it's already there. It's turnkey. You're not selling your apartment anyway. Be that as it may, I'm getting a Murphy bed. And it's a big deal. That's a bold choice. They got to fucking bolt it in there.

Yeah. The installation's a big deal. That's why it's so expensive. You can hang yourself from the top of it. And then there's... I guess, theoretically. And then it's a whole fucking... It's a mechanism, you know.

It's a complex mechanism to go up and down. That would be really funny if that's how you were found dead, is hanging from your Murphy bed. Just cum on your legs. That's the real reason you got it. It's either that or a ceiling beam. Yeah, I don't have any ceiling beams. Wait, you gotta walk me through the process

of deciding to get a Murphy bed. Where does that see me? Because Russ Beneave told me I should get a Murphy bed. All right, who is that? He's a comedian that stopped doing comedy. Okay. I mean, doesn't that just seem like the only advice an ex-comic would give you?

No, and it's... Get a Murphy bed. And it's a space saver. A safe space... What are you gonna do with that space, Dan? A space saver. A safe space. What are you going to do with that space? A space saver for what? What are you trying to do? You know what would be great in that space?

Is a bed. Yeah. Is an adult bed. No, I could do any number of things in that space. Like what? What, are you going to have like a yoga party? Yeah, what are you going to do in there? I haven't thought about it yet.

But the options are limitless. They're limited only by my imagination. I guarantee you will never use that fucking space. You're going to regret this. I'm telling you. And then you're going to have to pay another $5,000 to have it refilled. Five grand for a fucking Murphy bed? You should have gone to Amazon and got a mattress for $500.

Are you sure it's too late to get your deposit back? Probably not, but I'm not going to do it. You're doubling down. Why wouldn't you get like a day bed? Because no one's telling me that I I'm digging my heels in. Listen to me for a second. You could get a day bed. What do you mean a day bed? A day bed.

You don't know what a day bed is? A day bed is a bed that doubles as a couch. Right. And you could also get a trundle bed. If that wasn't a Hitler secretary. What? Look up Hitler's secretary, Max.

I think her name was trundle. Let's get to the bottom of this. Stop deflecting off the Murphy bed. Let's not go to Hitler. Let's keep it right here. I just don't understand what you're going to be doing, schlepping that thing up and down, closing it, opening it. I can leave it down, but when I have a dinner party or a dance party.

When was the last time you had a dinner party? Dinner parties. Where do you host a dinner party? Oh, Troutle. Troutle. I knew it was close. Troutle. She wrote a book called Until the Final Hour.

She also had a great essay on real beds in the 30s. Adolf Hitler's personal secretary during World War II. Can you imagine Hitler waking up in the morning and tucking his bed back into the wall? Hitler had space. You know, the Berghof. That's the title of the pod right there. Hitler had space. Hitler had plenty of space.

I can't. He made more of it, too. I mean, I guess he had a couple of places, but he had that place in Bavaria. I think it was called the Berghoff. Look that up, Max, if you wouldn't mind. The Berghoff. Is he your German fact checker? Is that what he is?

He's just a Nazi propagandist? He's my Himmler of sorts. What size is your Murphy bed? Queen size. It's not too bad. It's going to be heavy to fucking push up there. No, it comes with like it's a hydraulic. You wouldn't understand. It's very complicated.

But yeah, I don't have to put it up every night. But then you're not saving. But yeah I don't have to put it up every night I just But when I have When I have people over for Twister It's a perfect Twister space That I got Or Pictionary Are you going to actually have people over for Pictionary?

I feel like you don't invite people over to your house Well that changes Starting in August when they installed the bed. That was the issue. And look at all the space he's got there. Berghoff sounds like what they named the bed. That's his house? That was his retreat, yeah.

Another one in the mountains somewhere? That was the one. Other than the Wolfshausen? Wait a second. Other than the Wolfshausen? That's another one Other than the Wulfschanze. Yeah, that's another one. Yeah, that's what I was thinking of. That was his headquarters.

The Wulfschanze? The Wulfschanze was where he did, I guess. Oh, wow. It's funny how... Yeah, that was where the more of a headquarters, but the Berghof was more where he entertained, he dined, you know, that was... By the way, can I say, it's really funny how across languages,

some words are just the same. I was watching a porno the other day that was only in German. Ja wohl. And the chick was clearly accidentally using a lot of teeth, blowing this guy. And it was so funny just watching this German dude in a stupid hat being like, Tiefen! Tiefen!

And I just immediately knew. I was like, yeah, I'm just like you. Well, no matter what he said, you would have known by his grimace. What are you doing watching porn? Your girlfriend doesn't fulfill you. You have to then search out other means of... No, you know what it is? It's two things.

One, I feel like as I'm getting older, I'm getting more shameful about sex. The guy's 27, by the way. Go ahead. Yeah. I'm getting more shameful about sex. But mostly, I just have a scheduling conflict with my girlfriend where we see each other for 10 minutes a day. Oh, I see. And I'm literally leaving the house to go work as she's coming home from work.

So it's tough. And she's got to wake up early, so I don't want to wake her up to give her four inches of dick. You know, it's just like... Is it four inches? You know, it depends on the weather. But, yeah, I mean, I'm not packing heat. You know, slightly shorter than an iPhone. Four inches is pretty short, if that's what it is.

Your bed goes into a wall. My guess is... Actually, my dick is kind of like the Murphy bed of dicks. It just goes back into me when I'm done with it. I have like a 5.2 probably, something like that. I hope you can pick up the staff laugh.

Four is... Four, I think, borders on micropenis. No. Micropenis is like... Micro is like a two. Smaller even. Micropenis is like... Micro is like a two. Not smaller even. Micro penis is like micro... It's not literally micro scrub.

It's not literally micro scrub. I don't have a micro penis, but if you go to a Duane Reade or something, there's the travel size bottles. That's my dick. Who do we need this giant family pack for? You don't need it. Yeah. You don't need it.

I've only ever had one woman tell me I had a tiny dick, and it was after I broke up with her. Look up a three-point. An SPL of three points. Micropenis is 3.67 inches or less, so I wasn't. You just made it. I wasn't so far off. No, I'm probably right at about 5.2. That's probably, like, right at where I'm around.

Probably exactly average. Stretched penile nth. SPL. Who knew? Did you know that that was a phrase? Well, I use 50 for suntan. This has to be so different from the average episode you guys do. You guys have like scholars on here and we're just breaking down a penis. It is and it isn't.

Because this podcast is so all over the place and we don't know what we are. Some podcasts we have Alan Dershowitz on discussing the minutia and the arcana of constitutional law. And other episodes we discuss micropenis.

And that's sort of the range. And we do both equally well, which is impressive. It's whatever the guest is known for. We must be at an hour. What time is it? Yeah, we're just over an hour. When did we start?

All right. So is there anything else? So I did true to form. They said, Dan, I said at the beginning, I can always find a fascinating thing about Lev. You didn't say about Lev. Micropenis. You said you can always find something interesting about people.

Yeah, right. Interesting, fascinating, whatever. I could do this all day. Is there anything else interesting? What did we miss, Lev? Because this is part of the get-to-know affair. Any relation to Israeli actor Oded Fair? No. It's Fur. He said it's part of the get-to-know affair. Any relation to Israeli actor Oded Fair? No. It's Fur. He said it's

Fur. It's a shortened Jewish nightmare of a last name. There's a waitress downstairs with that name, but she spells it differently. Oh, really? But in any case, what have we missed, if anything, about Lev Fur? I mean, I don't know. I don't want to... You want me to just

shoehorn in stories? No, not the shoehorn. No shoehorning necessary. No shoehorning necessary. I'm surprised that you don't want to be in a relationship. That's been on the tip of my brain here. Well, why you put... Oh, the science behind Hitler's possible micro...

This I heard about. Didn't he also lose a ball? Correct. I believe so. He had other genital problems, including a condition called a micropenis. I will say that does seem kind of slandery. You know, after the fact, you know.

I don't know. I don't know if I buy that. Really? That seems like it totally checks out. Well, I've heard the one ball thing. Also, I think he fucked his niece. Penile hypospadias. I think every woman he dated ended up committing suicide.

That's pretty cool Including of course Ava Braun No Jim only had one I think Ava Braun Most notably Anyway There's been a little surprising about a Hitler on this show I think your free pal's kind of people would be thrilled

How did we get into Hitler? Oh from Trundle Bed Yeah Secretary I think your free pal's people would be thrilled. How do we get into Hitler? Oh, from Trundle Bed. And his secretary. Yeah. I don't know if he wants to not be in a relationship. I think he has this narrative that he wouldn't be

a good boyfriend or he's too neurotic. You think that's a low self-worth? I think that he underestimates himself. I agree. I think Dan is very lovable. I think a lot of people think that he underestimates himself. I agree. I think Dan is very lovable. I think a lot of people think that.

Maybe I'm holding out for Natalie Portman. Maybe you are. That's fine, too. You know what? That's a good investment. Okay. Almost as good as that bed you got. I've heard Natalie Portman loves a good trundle bed.

Is that a deal breaker for you? A guy brings you home and he unfolds his bed in front of you? I mean, at that point, it's like I'd rather see a yoga mat. I don't know. Hang on. Well, you know, if I think things might be going in that direction, maybe I'll put it down beforehand. Yeah, that's what you got to do.

You're going to be on a date knowing you're going to get laid. You're going to have to ask somebody across the hall to go and put you down. Or if I'm on a date, I can put it down. I can leave it. Like I said, I could leave it down the whole time. But when I'm entertaining, you guys don't listen very well. When I'm entertaining, then I can put up the bed. But I have to repeat myself because it's like talking to two deaf people that don't get it.

You don't get it. I'm sorry, Dan. You're fucking conventional bed people, and you always will be. I used to be so young and hot that a woman once helped me push a mattress upstairs just to have sex on. I was like, yeah, you get the top. That's amazing. I was like, I'm just pushing the bottom. That's how down bad I think this chick was for some... That was the best clothesothes I've ever had

I'm not clear on that She wanted to fuck him so bad Why were you pushing him? You didn't have a mattress? I was staying at a friend's house And he had an extra mattress And it was downstairs The room I was staying in was upstairs in his house So I was like, I'm not going to get this fucker up alone

I'll do you one better I'm not sure I'm doing you You know, I'll do you one better. That's outrageous. I'm not sure I'm doing you one better, but I'll do you one another. I went, I had. Just do me, Dan. I had a prostitute. Nice. Take me to dinner and pay.

In other words, she wasn't on duty. Yeah. She was off duty. Wow. You hearing what I'm saying? She's like a cop. She was off duty and paid for dinner. Doesn't that indicate to you that if a

prostitute is willing... But then she fucking snapped on me because I said, hey, why don't we go back to your place? She goes, I gave up a $500 client and you just want to... Something like that. She got upset. So what did you say? I forgot.

That's a great story. She wanted to have a date. And I was trying to push it towards sex. And she got offended. That's all I wanted. Did you tell her that would have been all you wanted even if she hadn't been a prostitute? No.

You should have just been like, I'd rather pay for the dinner and just fuck you, lady. He wouldn't, though. And by the way, she offered. You know, I wasn't like I was like trying to. She's like, no, no, I got it. I got it. I got it.

I mean, you had a woman pay for dinner. That's that's more rare than being in an orgy. I mean, yeah, that's a story that I've never done that. Yeah. But anyway, I mean, that seems like she's going through things. That doesn't seem like a you problem. You know what I mean? That just that seems like a's going through things. That doesn't seem like a you problem. You know what I mean? That seems like a woman at her wit's end.

I don't know. I don't know what her deal is. So desperate for a night out. She's like, I'll just pay you to go to dinner. Well, this is the problem. She's just like, for one night of her life, she just doesn't want to be treated like a whore. And then you buy a guy dinner.

He's like, oh my god, she's about to treat me like a whore so what do you expect well you know one thing about sex workers I've always gotten along very well with them and they're very generous generally speaking if they're not fleecing you for everything you've got

they have sort of two modes of they're either taking you for all you're worth or they're quite generous. There's like a set price. What do you mean fleecing you for all your worth? Yeah, but once they see that bed, they start negotiating quick.

I'm really more talking about strippers who are... Prostitutes are more honest. You give me $300, whatever, I give you sex. Boom. Strippers, on the other hand. Have you ever heard Murphy's Law? Murphy's Rule? Is this a bed reference?

If you have one of their beds, you suck. That's not Murphy's Law. But strippers are scam artists because they play that game where, you know, they take advantage of guys i think maybe she really likes me yeah yeah and sometimes strippers do date people at the strip club so it's not like completely unheard of but they only date one type of guy but they and they did and those guys don't don't they don't take money from those guys typically and the only

woman a stripper will actually date is a short neck tattooed white t-shirt wearing and she pays for his shit and he kind of has like a little bit of an intimidation factor no the only guy that a stripper will date is a sugar daddy no but that's i mean like actually date like no i i don't necessarily think that's true I've known guys that have dated strippers That don't fit into those categories That you've just discussed I think there's all sorts of Different scenarios

Well that's fair The sex worker thing always scared me Because I was just sure I'd get STDs that way That's where like my Paranoias come in health wise It's kind of the only thing I'm worried about. That's what you're worried about?

Well, at 27, that's all you should be. At 27, that's all you should be worried about. Yeah. You can save your worrying about high blood pressure and other things for later.

Yeah. So you're saying that you go into a strip club with your... I'm saying strippers are... They're more... It's more of a dance. They're more they're more evil in a way.

Because, you know, they will. There is something so wrong with you. No, I mean, because some of them will like, you know, guys will come in. They'll pretend to kind of. That's literally their job. No, but they'll kind of pretend

maybe something could happen outside the club. Right, that's their job. Some of them will... And some of them do. For money. But almost... I go to strippers... Not necessarily, no.

I've known guys that have met women in strip clubs. Okay, but if you're a guy and you go to a strip club and you're delusional enough to think that like... women in strip clubs. But if you're a guy and you go to a strip club and you're delusional enough to think that like Slower, slower. But just because you're delusional doesn't mean you should be taken advantage of.

Anybody who is going to a strip club is putting himself in a position to spend money for some kind of companionship. The woman or hope of companionship. The woman... Or hope of companionship. Or hope of companionship in exchange for money.

That's literally what a strip club is. When you put it that way, you really should just hire a sex worker. Yeah, 100%. Like, you have no business going to strip clubs. But strip clubs are fun. They're great. As a man in a relationship, yeah.

I just want to see some tits, have a beer. I love strip clubs. I don't are fun. They're great. As a man in a relationship, I just want to see some tits, have a beer. I love strip clubs. I don't like them because they're very aggressive and they come and they jump on your lap. And you don't want to... Some of them are evil, some of them are not. But they jump on your lap. That I hate. I do hate them.

And they're like, so what's your name? And I don't want to waste their time. So I don't want to get into a conversation with them because I know what they want. They want to sell me a lap dance. So I just say, I'm sorry, I don't want a lap dance. And then sometimes they'll snap on you like, whoa, excuse me.

Now you're having that dinner flush. And then they'll walk away. But I don't want to waste it. If they would leave me alone and let me just watch. That's how I am. I'm the same way, yeah. But I don't want to waste it. If they would leave me alone and let me just watch. That's how I am. I'm the same way, yeah. But they don't. They come over and then I got to tell them to get lost.

I got to tell them to get lost. And it's awkward. Why don't you want to spend some money on a lap dance? Because a lap dance doesn't do anything for me. What the fuck's a lap dance? How does that fucking advance? Well, you could go into the champagne room and probably get like a pan job or a blow job. Probably not. Now you're at a blow job. Probably not.

Now you're at a grand. And probably not. Now you're at a fifth of that Murphy bed. That's Murphy bed money. Look, I would. But I got to get these screws into the wall by the end of the month. I have a dinner party I'm hosting.

You want to come over and play Twister with us? I have a friend coming over to eat Chinese food. Calling it a dinner party. Well, you know... I hope you don't take this as beef bully. We could go on and we could certainly spend the whole night talking about Murphy beds and... And Hitler.

I could give you six million reasons not to buy that bed. Oh, my God. Anyway, we'll end with that. Holocaust reference. We would like to thank Lev Fair for joining us. Great to be here, Dan. Thank you, Lev. This is the most fun I've had on a podcast in a while.

Oh, good. We are good people. But Lev Fair, L-E-V-F-E-R. Yeah. Just Google him. And all the shit you need pops up. Well, maybe. Oh, could I just say,

June 28th through 30th, I'll be headlining Yonkers Comedy Club. In Yonkers, New York, of course. In Yonkers, New York. So come out to that. Please follow me on Instagram at LEVFER

and come to the Comedy Cellar. And our soon-to-be ex-sponsor, California Closets, will install your Murphy book. Made to order. Five grand? That is crazy. What's even crazier is it's six grand.

I didn't want to say it. You didn't want to brag. No, I was already like, they're going to probably fucking make fun of me if I pay five grand. I have to tell you, are we still on air? Yeah. Like a good mattress

could cost like $20,000. So it's not that outrageous that you're paying $6,000 for a Murphy bed. You get a good mattress for $800. No. You don't think so? No. Where? $20,000 for a mattress.

You can get... I mean, I'm just saying there are mattresses that cost that much money. So to pay $6,000... Hitler's mattress. No, Drake has a mattress that's like $40,000. Yeah, I'm sure he does. Anyway, you can comment with any comments

about Murphy beds or bedding in general or trundle beds at podcastcomedyyseller.com. Thank you, everybody, for listening. Jonas, still here. I thought you would have left by now. Too good. Okay, thank you, everybody.

Bye-bye. Thank you. Bye-bye. Cheers.