The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Gilbert Gottfried & Carmen Lynch

Episode Date: December 29, 2017

Gilbert Gottfried is a legendary standup comedian who has appeared in films, television, and radio. He is the subject of a new documentary titled, "Gilbert." Carmen Lynch is a New York City-based standup comedian who may be seen performing regularly at the Comedy Cellar. She has a new album titled, "Dance Like You Don't Need the Money."

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. It's The Comedy Cellar Show, live from the table on Sirius XM 99. This is Dan Natterman, and our regular listeners will know that if I am doing the introduction, that can only mean one thing, that once again Noam Dorman has decided not to show up. Not sure why this time. Do you know why, Stephen? That's our producer, Stephen Calabria. I think it's Juanita's birthday. Okay, it's Juanita's birthday. Last time

I believe he was in Russia. There's always something. We're a low-priority item for him, but that's okay, because I have the situation in hand. I'm with... No, Gilbert, me and Noam bust each other's balls. It's one of our things, so don't be put off by it. No, I was just about to leave angrily.

Yeah, I was shocked and ready to go. Well, you all know who my guest is today. It's Mr. Gilbert Godfrey, the legend. There's no other word for it. He's a legend. You're a legend. And I'm here because Gallagher, too, found something else to do. All right.

Well, Gallagher's not here, but you are. And we also have Carmen Lynch is with us. Not a legend yet, but happy to be with you. We've had Carmen here in the past, and here she is again. You must have done a nice job because we invited you back. Gilbert's chomping at the bit to say something. Now, Gallagher. Oh, thank you.

Yes, go ahead, Gilbert. Gallagher, that Gallagher and Gallagher 2, I find the most fascinating. They've got to make a movie out of that. Are they brothers? Yeah, there's Gallagher

that everyone knows. And he has a brother who looks and sounds just like him. And he gave his brother permission to do his act around the country. And he would be billed as Gallagher, too. And part of the agreement was that he can't burst the watermelon. That's the only thing he's not allowed to do. So Gallagher 2 went around the country. He dropped the 2 from his name and started doing the watermelon.

And so... And this went all the way to the Supreme Court. Yeah, yeah. It did go to court. It was like... I believe Justice Ginsburg ruled in favor of Gallagher 2. Yeah, because people were like, they were calling up. People were booking Gallagher 2 and saying we can get them so much cheaper than Gallagher 1.

I've actually been trying to sell my act for years because I've had it with comedy. Oh, yeah. I've had enough. I think Gilbert and I might be on the same page. Gilbert is a subject of a new documentary, Carmen. I don't know if you've seen it. It's called Gilbert. No, I have not seen it. Yeah, well, it's a new documentary

and I saw it because I was invited to the Friars Club for the premiere. I was not invited. Okay. I was invited.riars Club for the premiere. I was not invited. Okay. Well, I was invited. I went out of my way. Gilbert was not invited. Gilbert, you did not invite me.

Yes, yes. I went out of my way. We're going to try to dive deeply into Gilbert's life. It's probably not going to work because Gilbert generally doesn't answer questions. And the documentary is called Gilbert, and you could see it on the 29th. It'll start on Hulu. Oh, on Hulu. Okay.

Hulu. You have Hulu, don't you? I have Hulu. I'm going to watch it. This is a streaming service of some sort. Yeah. Internet-based streaming service. No, because one thing struck me of all the things in the documentary, a lot of interesting things,

but you mentioned that, and I don't know if this was just for a laugh or if it was true. You mentioned that every time you do a gig, you're hoping that there's a fire. Yeah. And they come to you and say, you don't have to do the gig. I have this fantasy when I'm waiting backstage that the manager will come back and say, you know, there was a fire or a flood, and so the show's over, here's your check, go home. Now, is this true, or is this kind of an exaggeration to get a laugh? No, no, I definitely get that more and more.

Well, I've had that for years I had that probably since I started I was never I wanted to be a sitcom star a movie star or something I figured this was just a stepping stone here we are many years later do you still get nervous before you perform?

I find I think in some ways I get more nervous now than I used to. You know, people, I think it's supposed to be the other way around where, you know, when you're young and inexperienced, you're nervous and then you get sure of yourself with me it would be like i think years ago you could say okay you're gonna be on stage there's 10 000 people in the audience and it's broadcast live all around the universe and i go yeah all right you know and now i i when i'm waiting backstage, I think, can I do this? Well, I'm more nervous. I think it's like Yosemite Sam.

You know, when he didn't look down, he was able to stay in the air. Right. And as soon as he realized what the hell was going on, and I think more and more I'm realizing the insanity of it. And now you go, ah-ha, hee, ooh, ah-ha, ooh. And now you go, Uh-huh. He. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And then I go right to the... So, Gilbert, would you, if I gave you a sufficient amount of money, whatever that sum would be, and this is a discussion we have a fair amount amongst ourselves, would you leave the business? If you didn't have to, I guess you feel you have to work to make money. I always figured, I figured maybe you had enough, but maybe you don't. Yeah, I quite often have that fantasy. If I give you a cool $20 million after tax dollars, would I ever see you again on a stage?

You know, write me a check. I think I'll. But there must be some part of you that feels joy underneath the anxiety, though, that keeps you doing this, or no? I don't know. I remember years ago, I used to be addicted to it. It was like there could be a war going on, you know, with troops coming in and firing. I would go through the firing line to get to a comedy club to do it. And now I feel like, ah, gee, it's a nice day. I don't want to take a walk.

I first, did you first hear of Gilbert from Beverly Hills Cop 2? That's, I think, where most people. Yeah, what was the one right after that? What? Beverly Hills Cop 2? What was it after that, though? Beverly Hills Cop 3. No.

Was there a Beverly Hills Cop? It was Beverly Hills Cop, but there was something else. No, Beverly Hills Cop 2. Oh, Problem Child. What? Problem Child. Yeah, but that was Sidney Bernstein wrote, where you were the accountant, Beverly Hills Cop 2. Oh, Problem Child. What? Problem Child. Yeah, but that was the Sidney Bernstein role where you were the accountant,

the Jewish accountant. And it was maybe a three-minute role? I don't know. What was it, three minutes? And I mean, is it fair to say that that's kind of what, at least for me, this was what, 1987 or something, 88? I don't remember, but that's for me what made me a Gilbert Godfrey

fan. I'd never heard of you, but I know you had done SNL, but I didn't know it. And SNL was, it was the worst season. You were on 1980 or 79. Yeah, oh, oh, it was the, because people hated the idea of a new cast coming in. Right. the idea of a new cast coming in back now it's like do you can you name one cast member of saturday night anymore they change from week to week back then it would be like if if friends at its peak peak if all those the cast members left and they were a whole new group as joey and rachel and whatever and you said okay just pretend you like them just as much as the originals it was like beetle mania and you got rid of john paul george and Ringo and got four of them. And so they were attacking the whole idea of Saturday Night Live going on without the recognizable names.

That was just after Chevy and that whole crew? Oh, yeah. And Belushi and Aykroyd and Lorne Michaels. And, you know, and then when the show went on, it sucked. So that didn't help matters either. But, yeah, I got that part in Beverly Hills Cop 2. And we started, I remember sitting there with Eddie Murphy and we started, like, ignoring the script and just playing around. So you came up with that whole thing about if you put it in this hand, and I don't know what was

in this hand. Yeah. And now people come up to me on the street and go like that. Now you said the Jewish people back a few years, but the good news is is your career was launched at that point.

Some critic, I think, said something like that. It was like, I had never even heard of this, Das Derma. I guess some... It was like a German propaganda magazine. Yeah, yeah! It was like a Goebbels production. Can I ask you, so what is the... when you said people come up to you on the street and, like, mention that you were in certain things, what is the one you get most often? Cindy Bernstein.

That one I get, there's a bunch of, Problem Child gets a lot. What I found, too, is, like, Fort Fairlane was a disaster when it was released. But it built up a cult following over the years. So many things. People even come up to me who saw me and are you

afraid of the dark? That was as... I don't know that one. Yeah, it was like Twilight Zone for kids Okay That used to be on And what's funny about that show I was doing a guest spot there

And with me were two little boys And one of the little boys was Ryan Gosling That's interesting I never knew about that one Yeah Another thing in the documentary that struck me is you did a gig in Philadelphia at Helium, I guess it was. Uh-huh. And you took the Megabus bus.

Oh, yes. I asked your wife, is that a put-on or does he really take the Megabus? No. And she said you really take the Megabus. I've taken these cheap buses. The Megabus is like 20 bucks. No. And she said you really take the mega bus. I've taken these cheap buses. The mega bus is like 20 bucks. Yeah. Instead of just springing, you know, for the train, which

would be 100, or a driver, which would be 200. I remember one time taking a mega or bulk bus out to Albany, New York. And then on the way back, my bus got canceled. And I on the way back, my bus got cancelled.

And I made the mistake of someone said they've got these Chinatown buses. They're even cheaper. Yes. Even cheaper. I'm assuming Gilbert's a wealthy man. No one knows for sure. Gilbert, are you a man

of some wealth? You're probably not going to answer that question. But I will never do those Chinatown buses ever again. I'll tell you that. All right. So you do have a line somewhere. Yeah. You know, Celebrity Net Worth, I know they're not accurate.

Are you looking up Gilbert's Net Worth? I look it up, but it's probably not accurate. But why do you take the bus? Is that just to feel like... I'm a cheap bastard. He's a cheapskate. Yeah. He's got a pathological illness.

With me getting something for free, like, you could book me, you know, on some job and say, here's a check for $100 million. Oh, and I'll throw in a carton of free gum. And to me, I'll go, oh, I got a free gum out of it. Well, he's a gorgeous apartment. If you watch the documentary, I mean, it's a beautiful. And the elevator in the documentary opens up into the apartment, I believe. Is that correct?

So that's a big deal. That's not Megabus material, but. He's the only one on the Megabus with an elevator opening into his apartment. That I would be fairly certain of. I'm the only one on the Megabus who has an apartment. He's the only one on the Megabus without a roommate. It's mostly stupid. My niece took the Megabus to go to, because she went to school in Philly,

and she would take the Megabus down there, but she was a student with no income. She wasn't a household name. But you have that apartment because you take the Megabus. Well, I don't know about that. Very good. Very good. He also collects, and you'll see this in the documentary. I'm not going to talk too much about the doc because I want you to see it,

but one other thing that struck me is that he does collect shampoo from hotel rooms. When I go into a hotel, first thing I do is go into the bathroom and I'll see what they have there for me to take. Now, have you been in therapy ever and discussed this? Of course, therapy is not a cheap endeavor. Yeah, yeah. No, therapy costs too much money. Okay, well, you know, this is his... Can I ask you...

Oh, sorry. Oh, go ahead. Did you learn anything about yourself that you didn't know before after the documentary was made? The only thing I think I learned was, and I swear to God, this is true. I was watching myself the way I move around. And I swear, I thought, oh, my God, I walked like Red Fox did in Sanford and Son. Yeah, there was this kind of shuffle in this way. His legs moved. I've seen that, yeah.

And I thought, oh my god. Yeah, but you've seen yourself on screen before. You didn't notice the shuffle? No, no. It's like, see, watching the documentary is painful for me. I'm fine if you want to cast

me as the plumber on a sitcom. Right. Or show up as something in a movie. I'm fine. But watching me as me is painful. Do you feel that way about watching your stand-up? Like if you have a set that you listen to or... Oh, yeah.

It's really hard. You know, everything. Everything I watch will be, you know, well, that's natural where you just go, oh, I should have done that differently. Why didn't I go into this?

By should have done that differently, I mean my life. Yeah. Okay, here's something that gets me. People who say, I have no regrets. Is that possible that a person can have no regrets? They're probably just saying that to make themselves feel better. I think so.

Yeah. Yeah, I got more than a few. But, I mean, you know, maybe by that they meant that at the time, with the information they knew and with the person that they were, they made the decision that seemed right at the time. But rest assured, we all made some terrible, terrible decisions. But why dwell on those? Maybe it is easier to just say.

Maybe they're just saying it's not worth dwelling on. I tend to be painfully enmeshed in the past. Oh, me too. Especially this time of year where I really take stock. You know, now it's, what day is it? December 28th or 27th? It doesn't matter. This is the worst time of year.

The fact is it's the end of the year. And I used to say every year at this time, I would say to myself, next year is going to be my year. I haven't said that in a few years. Has that made your life better? Because every year is never my year. I said, you know what? I finally learned my lesson. It's probably not going to be my year.

Well, it's kind of like a New Year's resolutions. Like some people for years go, okay, I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to give up smoking. And then one day they wake up, it's New Year's, and they go, I'm not going to even kid myself. I'm going to smoke.

I'm going to lie around the house. Yeah, yeah. You learn after a certain time. You know, you learn that you're going to continue doing the same shit you've been doing. It's also hard to start over in the middle of winter in New York City. I mean, to go to the gym on January 1st sounds horrible. Oh, yeah. You know?

Yeah, it is bad gym weather. That's for sure. By the way, Gilbert has his own podcast called Gilbert's... Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. And his specialty is older celebrities, I guess. I don't know if that's your specialty or that's who's available. Oh. But, you know, basically if you're under specialty or that's who's available. Oh. But, you know, basically, if you're under 80, you're not

welcome there. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what the average age of your guest is, but it's about 80. We've had maybe 10 guests who were in the 90s. I mean, Dick Van Dyke was on the show, Carl Reiner,

Norman Lear. Marty Allen from Allen and Rossi. I don't even know who that is. Oh. He used to go, hello there. That was his big... I don't know. But, and I sat in recently, you had some guy from the Rascals, the singer.

Oh, yeah. I forgot his name. You had some guy from the Rascals, the singer. Oh, yeah. I forgot his name. Now I, oh, God. Yes. And he was good, too. We had two of the monkeys. Mike Nesmith and Mickey Dolenz. Well, they're in their 70s, bro.

Yeah. Well, they're in their 70s, probably. Yeah, we had Tommy James, who used to sing I Think We're Alone Now. Before the Tiffany version. Oh, yeah. Obviously. And he was an amazing interview. Did he do anything else besides Tommy James? Besides I Think We're Alone Now? I Think We're alone.

Moany, moany. Moany, moany. Oh, okay. Who do you have coming up? Any tantalizing, titillating sneak preview of some of the guests? Oh, God. I don't know. I get it all mixed up who's on and who's coming up.

But, yeah, Tommy James used to be in this music label he was signed with called roulette that was total mobster it was this guy named morris levy who ran it and complete mobster well i guess a lot a lot of show business in those days were, I mean... Yeah, run by the mob. Was run by the mob. Well, that's where the term stand-up comedian comes from. What are you talking about? The term stand-up comedian, like comedians used to stand up

and do comedy in these mob-run clubs, and they'd say, Oh, this guy, he's a stand-up guy. He's a comic. He's a stand-up comic. I don't know. That sounds like... Stop it. That sounds like apocryphal to me. No. Okay, I'll look it up right now. You better look that up. Yeah, look it up. But Stevens often, you know... They've used that

as a pun in a million times. I always assumed it was because we stand up. We're literally standing up. So if someone was sitting down while they were doing stand-up. But that's the exception to the rule. I mean, there's a few stand-up comics that sit down, but the vast majority stand up. So

therefore it's a stand-up, you know, comedian. Like you could have a sit-down, let's have a sit-down dinner, and somebody has a bad back and is standing. He's the exception. I just saw a movie recently on TV called Stand-Up Guys. And I just saw exception. I just saw a movie recently on TV called Stand Up Guys. And I just watched it today.

And the cast is Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, and Alan Arkin. So you figure with a cast like that, how could it be bad? And it was bad. It was really awful. But Gilbert's sort of a, he's just, you love like old Hollywood, old, you know, he's sort of obsessed with,

do you see any new shit that comes out? Oh, wait. We also had on Art Matrano. I don't know. Okay. Art Matrano. I don't know. Okay. Art Matrano, his big thing, he'd go up like in a tux, and he'd do like a magic act where he didn't have any props with him.

He'd just like smack his hands together, hold up a finger, put it down, and then his finger would be up on his other hand. And these would be the tricks. And the whole time he'd be going. And he built a career. It's miraculous. It's almost evil. He built a career of going, well, you can call me Ray. Oh, I think I've heard of that.

And you can call me Jay, but you don't have to call me Johnson. Yeah, I think I heard of that guy. That's a 70s thing. He was on every variety show and commercials. Well, there was that girl recently that built a career kind of on Cash Me Outside. How about that? Yeah. Remember the Cash Me Outside girl?

No, who's that? She was on Dr. Phil and the audience was coming at her because she was a troubled teen. Dr. Phil is on these troubled teens and he sends them to boot camp. Right. So the audience was like,

you need to respect your mother and you think you're all that. And she said, Cash Me Outside, how about that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it became viral and then she went on Instagram and got like a million followers.

And so I think she sells ads. I think she does some rap. She's got a musical deal or something. That's frustrating. Yeah, and here we are, you know, trying to write jokes. And, you know, you got the Cash Me Outside girl. That's another thing that I find. It's like club owners have told me they book people from the Internet.

And on the Internet, you'll find some girl whose big thing is squeezing her blackheads or some guy who could shove grapes in his nose or whatever. It goes viral. Yeah. It goes viral. They're the ones who can fill the seats. viral. Yeah. It goes viral. They're the ones who can fill the seats, you know, if they have followers. That's it. They say, you know, they have nothing to do on stage, nothing to talk about.

But when they book them, it's a mob scene. Well, you've got to go viral. And that's why I used to jokingly, half jokingjokingly, you know, when I did Letterman, I used to say, you know, instead of doing my act, I should do something crazy. Right. I should take a crap on the stage or whatever. And have a friend in the audience film it on their phone and put it on the Internet. And that would go viral.

It would go viral, but your window, there's a limit. I don't know if you'd still be famous today if you did that. Well, no, I'd be living in Tahiti with my, with my retirement money. I don't need to be,

I only need a year in this business to, to make a few million bucks and then cash out. And nowadays, like with, you know, Jimmy Fallon and shows like that, and Saturday Night 2, they'll do stuff with the main intention the show is the last thing. Right, they want to go viral.

Yeah, they want to go viral. What appears on TV, they don't care. But that one thing that'll go viral, that's it. Do you have Instagram or Twitter presence? Yeah, I have. I barely understand what any of it is. You know, I have, well, my Twitter is real Gilbert. And I have a website, GilbertGodfrey.com, that I bought from a guy in Thailand.

His name was Gilbert Godfrey? He was just a sit-in on these names. Okay. People used to buy up names. And how much, can I ask, how much did he charge you? It was a double insult. Number one, that I had to buy my name. And two, how cheaply I got it. And he threw in a Yak or Smirnoff.

I think Facebook had to buy Facebook.com. I don't know what they paid for it. But there was another guy with Facebook.com at the time. Yeah, like early on. People were buying up names. Yeah, they would call themselves GeneralMotors.com I bought Pan Am just before it went out of business

So it wasn't a very good investment But I feel like websites are kind of Old school I mean, I have a website I've abandoned it My website is like an abandoned It's like a ghost town

It's like There's dates there from like, you know, five years ago, like a tumbleweed's blow. I've just kind of abandoned my website. Even news sites now. Like the mantra is social is the new front page. Yeah, I don't feel that anybody cares about a website. Maybe they do. I just put it on Twitter. But I don't even put it on Twitter because I'm like such a bad marketer.

But theoretically, you put it on Twitter. But I don't even put it on Twitter because I'm, like, such a bad marketer. But theoretically, you put it on Twitter. And what's so weird is, like, the minute I feel like I'm on the newest, hippest thing on the Internet, I'll say it to someone and they'll go, oh, my God, you're still using that? You know, it's like it becomes outdated in two seconds. It moves so fast, you know, I mean, I don't do... Do people use Snapchat for marketing

or that's just for fun? Snapchat? I mean, you can use anything for marketing. You don't really hear much about that now because Instagram stories are a thing. It just feels like every six months there's a new thing and you have to learn it. Well, that's why I bought a quarter of a Bitcoin. No, I bought almost a whole Bitcoin, but I sold most of it just because this time I want, and it'll probably go to zero because I'm involved,

but just because for the first time I want to be in on something before everybody's in on it. And how did you get in before everybody? And I'm already in on it too late because the time to be in on it was a few years ago. But this guy at Santa New York, James Altucher, who was a guest on this show, he's like a cryptocurrency guy. And he was like, oh, this is a big thing, whatever. And are you happy you did it?

Well, I made money. I made money. And then I sold some of it. I bought a Litecoin, which is another crypto. And then I bought something called Ripple. That's the name. It's called Ripple. Sounds like a cheap booze.

But anyway. See, that I hear about. But I think now would be, like, worthless to try to invest on it. Well, I put in, like, I got in a month ago and it doubled even since a month ago. And then I pulled out my initial investment. I left some still in there.

Yeah, it might be too late. I don't know. I got in. There was still room to grow, but who knows. And we're going to have James on soon. Yeah, he'll be on. To talk more about

for those audience members that are into crypto, the crypto space. One thing I want to say. To talk more about for those audience members that are into crypto. The crypto space. One thing I want to say. So we were talking about stand-up. I'm sorry. I got distracted

with my crypto. No, it's fine. Carmen actually has a special that we should talk about. Oh, we'll do that. Yeah, we could do that. Carmen,

on what? Well, it's an album that's out. And it was just listed as one of the top ten of this year. Listed by who? The Interrobang. The Interrobang. Okay, I've heard of the Interrobang.

Is that a credible source? I don't know. It's an industry publication. Yeah. Well, good for you. Thank you. This is not a special. This is an album.

Yeah. Was it your first? Yeah, it was my first album. Gilbert, have you done a Netflix or any one of them? Everybody's doing Netflix specials. No, I haven't done one of those yet. That they haven't called? Yeah, yeah.

They don't remember the name anymore. Yeah, they do. Oh, that's for me now. That's Netflix calling. I don't know. Netflix might be. Do you think Netflix is now too. Too many people have done Netflix specials?

So saturated with stand-ups. I mean, of course, if they called right now, it would be amazing, right? But there are a lot of specials on there. Oh, yeah. Like, what's the next thing? Yeah, I feel like, you know, somebody once told me, you got to skate where the puck is going, not where the puck is. But how do you know where the puck is going? That's the trick, isn't it?

It's who you hang with, I guess, maybe. Or who you know, or how much you... I don't know. I hang with 90-year-olds, so I don't think... Are those your friends socially, or just the people you have on... What is your social... I know you have your wife and you have your kids, and my guess is you don't want to delve too much into that

because you're a private person, but... It's weird. Who do you hang with? I don't know that I hang that much. Like, if I'm thrown in a situation where it's like, like with famous people, if I'm thrown in a situation with a celebrity who I know, then I'm glad to see them. But it's like on reality shows where they'll say to someone,

okay, we need you to get in touch with as many of your celebrity friends now within the next 15 minutes. And I go, I don't know the numbers of like 99% of the ones that I know. Well, nobody knows the numbers anymore. It's all on your phone. Oh, that's true too. See that? Everything's

different. It's like I feel like the exact second I had show business vaguely figure it out, that all changed. You know, I used to think of it in terms, well, it was TV

and movies. And you understood that. But now it's like, I don't get it. Now you have to have your own web series and your own Instagram. You can get famous, as we were saying, from a YouTube video or an Instagram, an Insta, as the kids call it, account. I don't say Insta because that sounds like an old guy trying to be cool. Right.

But Instagram, the young kids call it, hit me up on Insta, you know. I have a question, actually. So you were talking about how so many people nowadays just do things to go viral. And those are things oftentimes that we're probably going to look at

in a few years and totally cringe. Oh, yeah. Now, you were talking about some of the guests on your show and so many of your friends who are in their 80s and 90s. What stuff from, like, the 50s and 60s and 70s, comedy-wise, do you look at and just cringe? Because either by today's standards, it's not cool anymore, or it just wasn't funny at the time.

And that goes for everybody, by the way. Well, see, I'm happy that there was no internet when I was starting out in those first couple of years. Because I would hate to see what I was doing back then. Because, you know, you have no idea. You start out, you have no idea what a joke is. It's like... I had a catchphrase for something my friend Louis Schaefer told me. You ever meet Louis Schaefer? He's like a feminine heterosexual. But he said, you need to have catchphrases so they remember you.

You got good jokes, but they don't... So my catchphrase was, I never learn. And I used it for about a week and tried to shoehorn all my jokes in it. I never learn format. I go, I never learn, I never learn. And I used it for about a week and tried to shoehorn all my jokes in it. I never learned format. I go, I never learned. I never learned. But you learned. This is too confining. This is too confining.

You know, but you're trying at the beginning. I also, I mean, I also did like voices a little bit. Not well, but you're trying to figure out who you are at the beginning. Yeah, it's like that kind of thing where you know you want to be on stage and tell jokes, but you're not sure what a joke is. And then after a while, you're going, hmm, moon rhymes with June.

And so that's kind of funny. I guess that's a joke. When did you first start with your current style, which is yes, yes, you know, that whole thing? I mean, which is sort of how you talk anyway, but it's an exaggeration. But was that immediate when you started? No, no. And it's funny. There was never a conscious decision.

I just remember I woke up one day and said, oh, that's been my delivery for a while now. And it was never like thought out. I never thought, you know, people say to me, oh, did you notice your relatives acted that way? And then you saw it. And I, no. Do you remember your first time on stage? I, yeah, I was. It's funny because I remember it at one club in the village.

My sister remembers it somewhere else. So I don't remember exactly which club it was. But I remember it was just, you know, some club. They had a list and whenever you got there, you wrote your name on the list. And when they got to your name, they said, and coming up, so and so. Did you have bringers then?

Like, when I started, there was something called bringers who, if you're not a comedy person, you had to bring three friends, or however many friends you had to bring, right? You had to really like distribute them so you could do more shows and not bring them all at one show. But they'd all come at once anyway because they'd tell each other.

I was in law school at the time, and I would tell three people, hey, can you come to my show? I need three show. But they'd all come at once anyway because they'd tell each other. I was in law school at the time and I would tell three people, hey, can you come to my show? I need three people. And they'd end up telling the whole class and a hundred would show up, not literally, but a lot. And then I'd blow my load and the next time nobody wants to come. But in any case, that's how we started with bringing

our own audience. And my first time was at Stand Up New York and I brought... That was my first. Oh at Stand Up New York, and I brought... That was my first. Oh, was it? I forgot. I think it was Scott Krantz. Anyway, I had a great set

because the audience was all friends of comics, and I thought to myself, here we go. It won't be long now, you know, before I start making money. Yeah. And it was a little longer than I had anticipated. That's one of those early lessons you get

that, you know, when you start out That's one of those early lessons you get. That, you know, when you start out in those first couple of years, you'll do a set that just everything. You know, when you just like, you know, switching the mic from one hand to the other, it gets a tremendous laugh and a round of applause. And you go, okay, well that's it. I'm a star now. And then of course the next day you go on and people are screaming for you to get off.

Could it be that did we hear the laughter at the same level back then? Like I have memories very early on of killing. But it could be that I wasn't killing at all, but just that my ears were not attuned to what killing is. And then maybe they weren't laughing that hard, but they were. Have you ever done a show where the laughter is almost too much? And like now it's okay because you're used to it.

And you're like, but at the beginning where you're like, whoa, I wasn't ready for that. It's almost like intimidating. No, I don't find that. What I do find is sometimes the laughter is so much I feel uneasy. Yeah. Because I feel uneasy with my own power. Maybe that's it. Because I have deep seated, I don't know what you would call it.

Insecurities? Well, I feel I don't want to, I have no-seated, I don't know what you would call it. Insecurities? Well, I feel I don't want to, I have no killer instinct. When I used to play tennis, poorly, but I played tennis, whenever I started winning, I'd feel sorry for the other player. And then I wouldn't want to win. And I think that, does this resonate with anybody? Not that I care about them. I just had a weird, I didn't like being number one in any.

I mean, I certainly wasn't number one, but I didn't like being. Why? Because that's more responsibility? I don't know. Or all the eyes are on you? I'm not sure why. But sometimes when the audience is laughing really, really hard, yeah, I feel that similar kind of, like, I need to pull back because this is too much.

Yeah. I don't know if that resonates with anybody. No, I understand that. Because that because that's a thing you know and then it turns out the person goes on after me kills just as hard and it was you know so yeah because we tend to all kill and bomb I find at the comedy cellar we tend to kill and bomb together generally yeah and speaking of the comedy cell, Gilbert doesn't work. I don't know if he wants to work here. He doesn't, but he'd certainly be welcome to, but not that

I'm the owner or the booker. Gilbert, I saw you at the Underground, what, a couple years ago. It was for, I think, Atel's live at the Underground or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is just something you're not interested in doing would be to work here when you happen to be in town?

It's strange. It's like that addiction, it used to be no matter what, I could have a 500-degree fever, and you could say, you want to go on? Oh, yeah, yeah. And now, it's like when I go, oh, here's something weird. When I go on, now they'll recognize me.

So when I walk out, I'll get a big round of laughs and applause. When you get on stage, yeah. And I feel like that makes me uncomfortable. The bar is too high. Yeah, I feel like, no, I just want to try out some stuff that might suck. You know, all the celebrities that come to work here, I mean, there's quite

a few that come. Many of them, they get on stage, they have that, the audience goes berserk. They see a big celebrity, and the first thing the celebrity will say is, lower your expectations. Yes. There's a few that celebrity will say is, lower your expectations. Yes. There's a few of them that say that. And I think that that's what you're getting at is that they want that bar a little bit lower.

Because, okay, I cannot possibly compete with my level of celebrity. Yeah. And it's like, you know, when you're unknown, you could go up on stage and bomb and it doesn't matter. And then when they're expecting so much. But I feel like if I was super famous and I was here, I would probably bring notebooks on stage all the time because that would just basically say, lower your expectations.

Even if you wouldn't use them. I'm trying. Yeah, but I mean. Even if you don't even use a notebook, the notebook. It looks like you're just trying out stuff. You're looking at the notebook. The pages are empty. But it lets the audience know. Yeah, I'm just here to try new stuff.

So chill out. That's a good idea. Gilbert was never a notebook kind of a guy. I can't imagine Gilbert with a notebook. No. I could bring a blank notebook and start staring at it. Well, you're certainly welcome to come hang here and get free food. Yes, yes.

But so, Gilbert, you're saying that your level of success has damped or lowered your desire to do stand-up because it's not as big a challenge anymore. Yeah, I see someone recognizable. So they're expecting it to be like, I mean, I remember one of the appearances I made here. Then on Twitter, some guy tweeted, what was that? And it's like, what that was is trying something that I haven't been doing for 50 years. That wasn't totally polished. You know, they expect it to be like, you know, like ready for like an HBO special. Well, I think the key there is don't look at Twitter. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Or don't respond, because that's usually what they want. Exactly. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah. Now, do you get recognized on the Megabus? Yeah. You do.

What do they say to you? The context is weird, though, you know, so they're not expecting Gilbert. But anyway, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes when you don't expect to know, so they're not expecting Gilbert. But anyway, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes when you don't expect to see somebody, they're harder to recognize. That's why I'm thinking maybe, is that why you take it, too? Yeah. So you can't have some privacy.

That would be when you're really desperate for recognition. Like if Obama came in here and sat down, I bet nobody would bother him. Because they're like, that can't possibly be Obama eating that chicken platter. Yes. Well, Carmen, so, okay, so Gilbert, you were saying that as a person of notoriety, it's not good for you to get up on stage with such high expectations. Carmen, from your point of view, when you get up and you're relatively junior here, you've been here, what, two, three years now? Do you feel a big expectation to kill because

this is the comedy cellar? Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't... They have a new joke night here, so I just do my new jokes there or I do them at other spots. But here, I do want to do well, so I think certain comedians can do new jokes here, but here I do want to do well. I think certain comedians can do new jokes here,

but I'm not worried that I can't do that. It doesn't bring me negative... Carmen and I feel, because we're not celebrities, so we don't get the carte blanche that celebrities get. We feel we really need to kill hard, or they'll stop

using us here. At the other other clubs we don't feel that They don't have the same expectations But here, the comedy cellar They want everybody to just And they want that sound So that I I don't typically do new jokes I slip one in

Every once in a while I sandwich it in between two surefire jokes so that there's momentum. Because you can't just start off with a new joke. You need momentum and confidence. And then I'll slip it in. And then sometimes it's like the contrast is stark between the new one and what surrounds it. You know, they're howling. And then you do a new one. You know what gets me?

When you have those audiences where you can't build up a flow with them. It's like you could do ten jokes that they love and are falling off their chairs with

and then you do a bad one afterwards, and you lose them. There's no good will. There's no momentum. Yeah. You figure they'll give you a little something because you've delighted them now for 15, 20 minutes.

They forget your name in mid-act. Each line you say is an audition. Right, exactly. Or the opposite, where you're just doing jokes and you're killing, and then you just breathe or move, and they love it. Yeah. And you're like, God. Yeah.

And those are those sets that fool you early on, where you think, okay, I'm a star. I made it. Well, that's what I thought, you know. So many people who don't work in think, okay, I'm a star. I made it. But that's what I thought, you know. So many people who don't work in comedy, though, think that, like, you have to practice or do stand-up for, like, let's say eight, ten years, and then you have it down. So then it's always surprising to people to see a professional stand-up comic

get up and bomb. But that's a pretty big misconception, isn't it? Because if you're trying out new material constantly, you're always bombing. Yeah. But I never do enough new material that it's going to... I mean, sometimes you bomb because the audience just doesn't like you or whatever,

but if I do a new joke, it's usually a couple, not like a whole set worth. Right. So that I usually, especially here where the audience is good, it's not going to be generally a complete bomb unless they just tape me anyway, which happens, I guess, from time to time. The worst, though, is that people think it's so easy to be a comedian

that they see you do have a bad set and they just think you're horrible because they don't even know all the variables that go into it. You know? Like that happened to me once where my sister's friends came and I bombed. Not here. In like Savannah, Georgia or something. And I know they were like, you've been doing this for

so many years. I don't like people that are relatives or old friends. It's the worst. I know. I freeze up. My aunt, I was doing a or old friends. I hate the worst. I know. I freeze up. My aunt, I was doing a show in Florida. I said, anybody here from Canada?

And I hear, yeah, I'm from Canada. And it was my aunt who's from Canada. And I had to take a few seconds to get my head back on straight. I'm the same way. I hate, I'd rather perform in front of strangers all the time. Oh, absolutely. And they think they're there for more support. Yes. I don't know how many

times people that I've known have shown up and really thought... You're happy to see him. Yeah. And I'm not. I don't want anyone I know... I've used the line, it's sold out so many times. Just a lie. Like, sorry, it's sold out.

If they insist on coming, I say, the love of God, sit in the back. Yeah. I don't want you right in the front row. Those are the best audience members, though, aren't they? Because they are pulling for you in a way that normal people aren't. Maybe, but it's not worth it if you bomb and you feel like you've... And you're distracted. You're distracted.

Because you're like, Aunt Susie's in the back row. And Aunt Susie's judging me and Aunt Susie's going to tell my mother that I've wasted my life. This is what's going through my head in any way. It's just a distraction that's in your head during your jokes. You're not fully present. The people who come up to you like that after the

show, after your bomb, and go, you know, the stage was very nice, very colorful. Or they'll say, oh, I thought you were good. Only you could have done that material. Yeah.

Or they'll give you like a soft, positive heckle that they think helps the show and it doesn't at all. They'll be like, oh, yeah, I get that. And you're like, shut up. You're not helping. How long are that doesn't at all. They'll be like, oh, yeah, I get that. You know, and you're like, shut up. Yeah. You're not helping. How long are you usually

dating someone before you invite them to a show? I don't invite. I often meet them at the show. So I guess it would be... Or I guess it varies

from person to person. How do you think I get laid? Not because I have any game. Your Facebook game. They're in the audience. My Facebook game is all right, but that usually comes as a consequence of my stage game. Oh, okay.

You know, after the show, I'll say, so, you on Facebook? Can I hit you up on Insta? That's another thing that's different about today's comedy, too, is that you didn't have that in the 80s. Like, if you met someone at a show, you met them there. Yeah.

That was the last you were going to see of them as opposed to now where you can get in touch with them. Well, you would get a phone number in the old days and you would do as Gilbert was. We're talking before the show. You would, you would be shaking like a leaf before you call them. Yeah.

It was like the worst thing in the world. You'd have this phone number and you'd be by the phone and you'd go, should I call her today? I mean, or should I wait till tomorrow? Well, alright, I'll call her today, but let me

wait till the end of this TV show and then I'll call her. And it was a horrible like, what did you even talk about? You didn't want to say right away when she answered the phone hey you want to go out? So you had to come up with some small talk. But everybody knew where it was going.

It was just like just get to it already. Hey so what's up? Not much. How you doing? It was horrifying. It was horrifying but the anticipation do you remember the anticipation of going out or going to work or whatever? And then coming home to see if you had any messages? Oh, God.

Oh, yeah. And you saw the light flickering. Like, there's a message on the answering machine. Well, I would call in from my messages. Oh. You know, obsessionally. And I remember when I would call a girl and I'd hear the phone ringing, I would go, oh, God, please don't be home. Yeah.

Yeah. Is there a difference between, so I imagine that you, Dan, or Gilbert, you guys, you know, flirting with people in the audience and getting a date out of it. Is that different from the number of people that, Carmen, you would do that with? See, I think it's different for women. I don't know. Maybe other women do like to date people in the audience, but I've never been attracted to that.

To the sort of guy that's going to hit on the comedian who's on stage? I feel like the ones that I have... I mean, I've gone out with guys that have written me or talked to me after a show. But I've found that most of them like the girl on stage. And then it just becomes a podcast. Like, they just want to talk to me about how I write my jokes or... You know, it's just... Well, what's wrong with that, though?

I mean, they're interested in you. And they're interested in what you do. Yeah, I don't know, it's just... Well, what's wrong with that, though? I mean, they're interested in you, and they're interested in what you do. Yeah, I don't know. It's just, I guess... Now, if you were a guy, you would play through that just for the sex. Totally, exactly. Exactly.

But that's... And therein lies the difference. Yes. Although our friends from the Guys We Fuck podcast would argue that the difference is merely cultural. Yeah. You know those girls from the Guys We Fuck podcast? They feel that the differences between men and women sexually are all cultural.

But in any case... No, I think you're born with those differences. That's what Norm and I were arguing on that episode. But I mean, I've gone out with guys that I've met at a bar. That's really no different. It's just a guy at a bar, a guy at a show, big deal. But I think once I started doing stand-up, I don't know, I just was never...

I don't think girls, maybe I shouldn't speak for all women, but we don't get hit on as much as men do. And the ones that hit on us, they're not always the ones you want to go out with. Well, I think, and I've said this before, that, you know, when you ask women, what traits

in a man do you find attractive? Oftentimes, sense of humor is high on the list. Yes. And I think it's total, complete bullshit. And go in and doesn't buy it. What? Yeah. Complete bullshit.

Really? Why? Because I think my favorite was Rod Stewart. You know, he was the biggest rock star. And he married this, I think, I forget her name. Morgan something? Hunter something. Rachel Hunter.

Rachel Hunter. And she was a supermodel. And she said, Rod Stewart is living proof that a man can laugh you into bed. And I'm thinking, oh, so she didn't know he was the biggest rock star in the world. She didn't know he had billions of dollars. She didn't know how powerful he was. It was all his... And I'm thinking, you know, I'll bet you

I don't say I'm the greatest comic on the planet, but I'll bet you I've got funnier jokes than Rod Stewart. Well, it's also status, and he's got, you know, power. He's a very successful man. I think it's also status, and he's got, you know, power. He's a very successful man. I think it's a factor, but, you know, you've got to, I mean, there's numerous factors.

But I do think it's more important, a sense of humor is more important for a woman than it is for a man. Absolutely, yes. I mean, you know, it may not be the number one. And for you guys, it's attractiveness. Unfortunately, yes. Unfortunately, I don't make the rules, Carmen. If I guys, it's attractiveness. Unfortunately, yes. Unfortunately, I don't make the rules, Carmen. If I did, we'd all get laid. No problem.

I'm not complaining. I don't mind liking men for their sense of humor. I don't need a man to look like George Clooney to date him. I'd rather look like George Clooney. And I hope my boyfriend's not listening because I think he's really hot. But I think sense of humor is... And it's less common, too, isn't it, right?

What? Being really funny is less common than being really good-looking. For men? Yeah. Or would you say that's true? Ah, it depends.

I mean, yeah, it depends. It depends how good-looking you're saying. If you're talking about Brad Pitt in his 30s, then that's very rare. Well, Mel Brooks said that all those tall

handsome guys tried to get with Anne Bancroft and she didn't go for any of them. She went with the small funny guy. Yeah. But I think that's an exception to the rule. You think so? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. You don't know?

I just think maybe I just strongly believe I just I think maybe I just strongly believe I've dated mostly shorter guys I'm six feet tall and most of them have been very funny and this is not an insult

to any of them but I mean I don't date Ken dolls or chiseled men or anything you know what I mean and the ones that I did date like that, they didn't last. Yeah, you're a comic. You value. But even before stand-up, I just always would rather just have a really funny personality

or just an interesting person. Do you think most women are that way? Gilbert is still skeptical. Yeah, 100%. But then again, Gilbert has an attractive wife, if I may say so. So basically,

what we're telling you is if you want to get laid, go out and get the Joey Adams joke book. I wasn't familiar with Joey Adams' stand-up, was I? Me either, actually. See, these are my references. He was Jeb.

I just know him as Cindy Adams' husband. Would you go out with a woman who was very funny and mildly attractive? No. No. Unfortunately. Like I said, I don't make the rules. It's a terrible world. What if she was gorgeous but

stupid? I'll take it. For how long? Every guy. I'm not saying a one night thing because I get it. But like, did you date her for a couple years? Maybe not a couple years. Yeah, after a while. See, this, not... Did you date her for a couple years? Maybe not a couple years. No, absolutely not a couple years. Yeah, after a while... See, this is another thing with guys.

She could be absolutely gorgeous, but then in like a relatively short amount of time, you go, all right, I had that. Yeah. Don't they get uglier over time if there's nothing inside? They just get blander They get bland, not ugly It's like, you know, I love when people will say

Geez, what was Billy Joel thinking when he split up with Christy Brinkley? And I'm saying People say that? Yeah I never heard that And I'll know exactly what he was thinking. He was thinking, okay,

you know, I had sex with her when she was the most gorgeous girl on the planet. And then I experienced it. Okay, on to the next one. No, I never heard anybody say that. But that's more about monogamy. I heard most people say, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah. You think that's more about monogamy? No, no, no. But anyway, have you met Billy Joel? That's one of my dream celebrities to meet, Billy Joel. So anyway, if he's listening.

We tried to have his daughter on the show, but she didn't want to come on either. But next, maybe he's got a second cousin we can... Pardon? Yeah, we're almost done. Gilbert, so Gilbert, now, any thoughts that you'll ever retire? Are they going to just drag you off stage in a body bag? I guess they'll drag me off. I kind of think so now.

You know, when you're shitting yourself on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the point where you go viral, Gilbert. Yes! That would be a... That would be. You won't be able to ride the Megabus anymore.

You'll go viral but you'll be at that age where you don't know what your name is. Right. But you're gone viral. Yeah, I guess when I don't remember my jokes is when I'll... Actually, that's not true. If I ever make real money, I could give it up. Really?

Yeah. See, I think... I don't know. I think it's just kind of fun to go up there. I would come here to do stand-up here at the Cellar, but I would not be doing, you know, full headliner sets. But you'd still be doing stand-up. I would be doing it on a 10-minute, 15-minute per set basis, and I would probably continue with the podcast. With me, it would be 10 minutes a year.

I saw you at Caroline's years ago and you got up on stage and the first thing you said was, okay, you came to see me, you saw me, now go home. Yeah. And I don't, it resonated.

But I, you know, I felt like you meant it. Yes. I don't know if you did. Anyhow, so that's it for, that's it for us. You know, I know Carmen's a big fan of our podcast and I know you love the interplay

with me and Gnome. I know. I'm a little bummed he wasn't here. He wasn't here today because I think Mila has a tea party or something or he's got something to do, but, uh, my hope, I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I did. It was fun to hang with you guys. How do you think I did solo?

You did pretty well. I've listened to some of yours alone. My solo. Yeah, your solos. Your gnome freeze. My gnome. Usually I do a classic rock block. Yeah.

No, it's good. Anyhow. And Stephen Calabria sitting in. Thank you very much for your insights. It's always good to hear from a non-comic and your commenter. And Gilbert, thank you for stopping by. Once again, the documentary is Gilbert.

And on the 29th it'll start. It'll be available on Hulu. Let's pay for service, Hulu? Yeah, I guess. I have no idea. I know it'll be on Hulu starting the 29th. I'm going to watch it this weekend. Oh, the 29th. I'll be at the Funny Bone in Dayton.

I'll watch it there. Would you still be doing the Funny Bone in Dayton. I'll watch it there. Yeah. Now, would you still be doing the Funny Bone in Dayton if you made a lot of money? I give you $2 million tax free. Are you going to the Funny Bone in Dayton? I give it to you right now. Do you call the Funny Bone in Dayton and say... I would still go if you gave it to me right now. I wouldn't cancel on them.

You wouldn't cancel. See, I would cancel. Really? I wouldn't cancel. I would cancel right as they're saying, ladies and gentlemen, give me the check. I mean, my schedule might change in 2018, but I'd probably keep this one.

Okay. And my podcast, Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast, Twitter, Real Gilbert, and GilbertGottfried.com. And GilbertGodfrey.com. And I'm at LynchCarmen. Dance Like You Don't Need the Money is my album on iTunes.

And CarmenLynch.com. My website is still on, Dan. Okay, all right. And I'm not going to plug my shit. I do because I, you know, whatever. I'll do it next week. Anyhow, Happy New Year, everybody, also. We'll see you, I guess, in 2018,

which may or may not be my year, but again, I've stopped saying that. So until next time, everybody. Bye-bye. Telepathy. Telepathy.