The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Jeff Dye and Miss America

Episode Date: October 13, 2016

Jeff Dye and Miss America

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're here at the back table at The Comedy Cellar. My name is Noam Dwarman. I'm the owner of The Comedy Cellar. Next to me is the beautiful Miss Kristen Gonzalez. And of course, Dan Natterman, who in my estimation is one of the finest comedians Working in the world today Dan's got something to say up front I am agitated today

About everything going on in the world Calabria pissed me off Dan pissed me off Trump, Hillary, the whole thing And I had an argument about rape on Facebook today I'm upset about Go ahead Dan Well I'm upset about. Oh, my God. Go ahead, Dan. What's up?

Well, I'm also agitated because I'm performing at Helium in Philadelphia this weekend. Oh, I don't blame you. Well, and you know that I don't love. Helium? Unfortunately, doing comedy clubs. I will certainly go and do it the best of my ability. But, and, you know, it's close by, so I couldn't say no. And it's a decent offer, so I'm going to do it.

And I'm going to give the people of Philly my best. But unfortunately, it does cause me a significant amount of anxiety whenever I have to do a weekend at a club. Don't you take some medicine for that? I do have that I can take as needed. Klonopin or something? No, not... Adivan, Zolopi, Adivan, Prozac.

I'm going to leave my medical history out of this for a second and just say that there are medications one can take on an as-needed basis for anxiety and for stage fright and things of that nature. I would like to try one of those. You have one, Steven?

Can you get one? Yeah. It's not that hard. Do you think Trump takes them for the debate or something? Oh my God. Well, he has to get for the debate or something? Oh, my God. Well, he has to get into Trump already. Okay, go ahead, Dan. Go ahead.

Sorry. So I'm agitated for that reason. I will try to put that aside for the sake of the show. Also agitating me is that we are now in month, I believe month six. I haven't been keeping strict track, of our kitchen renovation. Now, bear in mind, they built the Empire State Building in, as Noam likes to point out, I believe 13 months. 18 months, something like that. 18 months.

Now we're in six months of the kitchen renovation. There has been no kitchen at the Comedy Teller for six months, and frustration has turned to despair. Well, in the time they built the Empire State Building, you didn't have every fucking government agency up your ass and community boards and landmark commissions. And when they did do inspections in those days,

you slipped them a 20 and you got passed. Maybe so. It's a totally different world now. Indeed, regulations are more onerous now, but they were building a hundred-story skyscraper. You are putting in a kitchen.

All the more point to how ridiculous it is. We were held up by two months just for the landmark commission. The landmark commission. Because the building is landmark? The building is landmark. It means that best case, it ought to mean that when we change our facade to the street, the look of the village

that they want to be sure that we don't do anything which is too far out of disharmonious with the classic Greenwich Village look. Imagine the south of France. They don't want some glass skyscraper. But this is in the back in our kitchen.

What business is it of anybody? It's his private property. I have a $3 million mortgage on this bitch. And I have to get some old lady who lives in some rent-controlled apartment to look at my plans and put her glasses on the end of her nose and say, well, let me see about it. Why is this stove going?

And then they have to vote on it as if it's... This is like... If you're asking me to... You wonder why business owners might vote for a Trumper like that? It's ridiculous. It's paralyzing. Well, first of all... Shut up, Dan! It's paralysis. Okay, go ahead. I'm wondering if the landmark committee is upset about the

decidedly non-1890s style humor that we do down at the club. That's what you interrupted me for? You still say that on the spectrum. But no, also my main point, and sometimes jokes land, sometimes they don't. I know, but you can. You know, the great ones take risks. But my main point was that if you're going to, you can speak, you can yell and rant as loud as you please.

You're not convincing me that it should take six months to renovate a kitchen. Now, of course, that's your prerogative. Should we get Liz here? Liz, you want to tell it to her face? You want to tell it to her face that it's her fault? Let's see. Well, I find it very hard to believe. People renovate things all the time in the village and outside the village.

It's just hard to believe. People renovate things all the time in the village and outside the village. It's just hard to believe. And also, you know what else is a problem? We have legal immigrants working on this construction project. You can't get any work done with legal immigrants. You interrupted me to say that? I need illegals. In any case, look, your club, your rules. I can only say that rumors of revolution are afoot.

And the people will only take so much. So frustration is boiling over. But watch out, Captain Quig. Captain Quig. We're wondering whether the temporary menu is actually a permanent menu. I wish it were because the truth is the one thing I discovered before I spent

more money than I made selling my house on this stupid kitchen is that we don't need a fucking kitchen. Business is fine with no food. Friday, Saturday night, the place is packed. We don't need it. You're saying you're operating primarily as a bar at this point.

I'm a bar with some sandwiches, and it's fine. I like it better. But it's too late. The die is cast. We're going to have a big kitchen. Well, you like it better, but you know, the comics, I mean, I'm obviously joking about revolution, but the comics enjoy that food. I will hire a fucking comic takeout food valet who will sit here all night and get them food

from any of the local restaurants. They will probably get it quicker than ordering from the Olive Tree anyway. And they would love that. That is a reasonable idea that I will not fight you on. You will not gainsay that idea. No, that's a fine idea. But rest assured, I mean, part of the secret sauce of the comedy. Concierge, concierge.

Part of the secret sauce of the comedy, Teller, as you've stated over and over, and you're quite right, is that the comics love coming here. That's part of the secret of the success of the club. Now, the comics, that comics enjoy coming here is at least in part because you can get a decent kebab. Well, they've been... I mean, I don't think the kebabs were wildly, insanely great, but they were reasonable. You didn't really like the food before. You were happy about this kitchen.

You complained about the food when we have it. You're like my wife. It's the same reason I look at my childhood and think it was great. Anything in the past is better than it really was. Fair enough. I'm nostalgic for those sweet days just by the creek eating Comedy Cellar kebabs. We have a show tonight that is historical, Noam, here at the Comedy Cellar. Historic.

It's, well, historical or historic. Doesn't historical mean regarding history? Yes. Okay. Oh, I think you're being a little pedantical. Thank you.

Thank you, everybody. All right, there you go. That one landed. There you go. Sometimes you have to... You canceled the other one out. You canceled the other one out. We have

the best-looking guests we've ever had on this show. This is true. We have two, well that's what I'm saying. I mean, we've had good looking guests before, but never two. And, you know, neither you, noam, neither me, noam, nor Kristen are

ugly by any means. But we have with us today two world class beauties. We have a former Miss America, and we have the handsomest man in comedy, Jeff Dye. Do you know Jeff? I know.

He's been on our show once before. He has. Yeah, he was a while back. He was a while back. And you had a hard-on the whole time. I don't have a hard-on. I think it's fascinating. The guy that good-looking is doing comedy.

As many times as I've heard the name Jeff Dye come out of Dan's mouth, I think an equal number of times of how good-looking he is. He never, he never, he's obsessed with Jeff Dye's looks. What if somebody did comedy and came from the planet Mars? Would you expect me not to say every time he came up, and he's from Mars? You're talking about an extreme situation here. All right.

You know, you're talking about a comic that's much too good-looking to be a comic, and yet he's doing it. And he's doing it well, and he's succeeding, but it's it'd be like if Ashton Kutcher did I mean, it's absurd. They've been good looking comics. Chevy Chase was very funny, was very handsome. I don't think it's Jeff Diler. What do you think about that?

Chevy Chase wins. Young Chevy Chase. I don't see why that should be an exclusion criteria for being a comic. Well, it's because it's usually you don't see them together. I guess that would be as good a time as any now to introduce. And young Alan Havey

was extremely handsome. Oh, come on. Jon Stewart's very handsome. You've gone off the rails again. He's coming unglued. You're really coming unglued. You see how Silverman's a pretty girl, but

yes, and there are more pretty female comics. Well, I mean, I tend to Really coming unglued. You see how someone's a pretty girl, but... Yes, and they're more pretty female. Well, I mean, I tend to notice the females more. Apparently not. Well, because this is an extreme case. Well, that's as good an introduction as any. No, Dan likes to stagger. I prefer to stagger, but I don't want Miss America to be sitting there all by herself. Let's get the full Monty of the full effect of

two tens. And it worked out perfectly because Trump, you know, what's in the news right now as we record, this is Trump's recorded conversation about grabbing women's pussies. So we have a woman, a very beautiful woman that Trump would probably like, and we have a man who Dan likes, who has his choice of women. Two genetic lottery tickets sitting down now. Who looks like Jeff Dye, everybody. How do you do, Jeffrey?

Hey, Jeff. Hello, guys. Jeff, I know you hate to talk about how good looking you are, and I apologize in advance. I never mind talking about how good looking you are. Listen, Dan is, I mean, maybe you use this. Clearly, he's freaked out by how handsome you are. I'm not freaked out. I just think in comedy, it's so unusual that somebody at this level of physical attractiveness does comedy.

And does it well, I might add. Thank you very much. You know, your average handsome guy doesn't have a whole lot to say. Let's face it. Can you also introduce the woman to your left? I could certainly do that. But who cares about her? Who cares about me?

No, I'm kidding, of course. Also very lovely, if you're into chicks. I'm kidding again. Kirsten Haglund. Thank you. She was a Miss America. Kirsten, not Kirsten. Kirsten.

Kirsten. Kirsten. Kirsten Haglund. Sorry, Kirsten. Kirsten. Kirsten. Kirsten Haglund. Sorry, Kirsten. That's all good. She was Miss America in 2008. Yes. So, I mean, by the way, we had you booked for weeks.

And this is perfect because Trump is in the news talking about what he likes to do to beautiful women and all this. So having you here at Miss America Contestant seems like good timing. Get a take from some beautiful women. And then we have a guy here that if you didn't know any better

looks like he might behave that way. I feel like Trump would sexually harass me as well. Well, I wouldn't rule it out. You're really full of yourself, aren't you, Ty?

He lives in LA. He's just feeding off of Dan's energy. Dan's sexual energy. Dan would certainly molest you. We'll get to Kirsten in just a second, if you don't mind. I know a lot of female women comics that are beautiful. There are certainly many that we've had on this program.

Many times you tell them they're good looking and they're going, I want to be funny. I don't want to be good looking. I don't want people to talk about my looks. I want to be funny. I don't want to be good looking. Or I don't want people to talk about my looks. I want to be funny. Like that's mutually exclusive. But they don't want people

to harp on it. Right. Okay, now I'm wondering if you get upset when people discuss your physical... I don't care. I just want people

to be nice to me. And if they're being nice to me based on my comedy or based on my small talk or based on anything, I'm fine. Isn't it nice to have that as a luxury as a male?

I just value kindness. That's how I judge everything. If my server is a horrible server but she's nice to me, I tip her great. If she's the best server ever but she's not kind, I don't tip her good at all.

I just want, I value kindness. That's what I care about. He sounds like Trump. I don't want to be compared to him. Aim the mic at him. No, just push. Well, because as a man.

Dan wants to see his lips. As a man, you know. I just, I never get tired of hearing it. It's a compliment, and it's coming from a good place, so I'm happy. Thank you. All right, well, just so you know, it's not going to last forever. That's fine. Good place is like northeast on the spectrum of heterosexuality and homosexuality that Dan occupies.

It's kind of like one-third way there. I'm so heterosexual that I can have this conversation. Were I in the closet, of course, I would be like, well, I don't know. I guess he's all right. Dan finds you to be a complete enigma. Well, it's just unusual. Is it me or am I crazy? I mean...

I think that there's a prejudice against comedians who look... He's very good looking. I have a husband, though, so I can't say much more than that. He's very good looking. Thank you. You're welcome. What about myself? You're also very good looking.

See, you can't... I miss America. I have to pour out the compliments. I have to, you know, world peace here. I want to keep the peace at the table. You're both excellent. Well, I'll tell you, Adrian Brody. Hello, Jeff.

Thank you for coming. Adrian Brody has helped me out a lot by mainstreaming that kind of look, I guess. I love Adrian Brody. And I love some Dan Natterman. Thank you. Thank you. Anyway, hello, Kirsten Hoagland. Hegland.

Hegland. Kirsten. Blame the Swedes. They came up with my name. Rhymes with first in. Kirsten. Kirsten Hoagland. Hagland. Hagland. Kirsten. Blame the Swedes. They came up with my name. Rhymes with first in. Kirsten. Kirsten or cursive. Is blame the Swedes really keeping the peace at the table?

I don't think that's one of your first sentences, blame the Swedes. Yes. Well, they're non-confrontational and they were always neutral, so you can do that. Easy to pick on. Like the Eskimos. Well, like myself. So I'm Swedish, so I am keeping the peace because it's just an insult directed at myself. Swedish-American.

Swedish-American. Yes, sir. Kirsten Haglund. I'm sure Dan has some ways to go, but I just want to get this. I just want to know. What was your talent? I was going to ask that same question.

There's a talent part of Miss America, correct? Yes. Was it renovating a kitchen? It was totally not renovating a kitchen. It was business ethics. I sang, actually, because I was a musical theater major before I competed. And so I sang like a musical theater rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, which was a song I'd been singing since I was a little girl.

So it made sense for me. Is it available online somewhere? Maybe we can get our producer to cut it in. Yeah, you can find it on YouTube if you want to somewhere. This will be great. Low-cutting the Miss America contest. Do you remember when the girl did a monologue about nursing? Yes, that was just a couple years ago.

Yeah, she was great. Maybe you're the wrong person to ask because you're going to be very diplomatic about all these questions. But what did you, did you think that was as awful as I did? No. You loved it? No, I'm serious. I did. Well, the reason, here's the reason why. Is that, yeah, talent can be defined in a lot of different ways,

right? I mean, if a girl got up there and did comedy, we'd be like, yeah, that's a talent. You don't have to do,

you don't have to sing, you don't have to, but she gave voice to a part of the population who doesn't get a lot of mainstream airtime and, you know,

it was very poignant, it was very moving as was evidenced by the follow-up where on the view she was criticized for not having a talent. And then all these nurses came out in force, both male and female nurses. Okay, I'm the daughter of two nurses. You know, and we're like, hey, no, what we do is really important. And this showcased that.

So, no, I think it was socially important, actually. Your father is gay? Your father is a nurse? Yes, he is. He's a CRNA, which is a nurse anesthetist. Well, I have great respect for nurses that can

put up with all the, you know, put up with their patients and keep a smile, but I don't think a lot of them can. So a woman did a monologue, I don't know about,

did a monologue about nursing? Okay, so she did this thing, you're going to get the real insensitive take now. Yeah, I thought you just liked it, like being nice. Well, I'm not mad at her. But when it comes to her talent

and I have to pick a Miss America, I'm going... Well, she didn't win, so... I was like, no. And then, of course, all these people... She basically did this thing about her relationship with some man with Alzheimer's, right? As a nurse. And it was this kind of weird, made-up,

clumsy poem about nurses. And she's like, this is how important nurses are. And I get that you would feel drawn to defend that if you're in that profession. I'm not judging that. I'm just judging how it was a crummy poem in the talent section of a thing. Listen, this is what a talent is. I have a daughter. If my daughter could do something that was a talent,

it would be like on Thanksgiving dinner, drag her out in front of the family, do it for everybody. That's a talent. Yeah. The nurse thing, no. That's what I'm saying. My daughter would not deliver a nurse thing. Let's say a girl comes out and she bombs and does like five minutes of awful stand-up comedy that's hacky and kind of like racially weird. And I wouldn't, as a comedian, feel the right to go, leave her alone.

She's doing what we do. It was bad poetry. But here's the thing. At the end of the day, she won Miss Colorado and ended up doing her talent on the Miss America stage, which means there were enough judges that believed that her talent was moving enough and poignant enough for them to give her a high enough score

to move on to the next competition. She had to do the same talent every time? Well, you don't have to do the same talent every time, but her monologue, at least. They thought it was good enough to give her a high enough score to move on to the next competition. Should she do the same talent every time? Well, you don't have to do the same talent every time, but her monologue, at least. They thought it was good enough to advance her from her local to her state to Miss America, where she beat out 30-some other contestants to get to the place that she did. How important is the talent thing in the judging of Miss America?

Interesting you ask that, because it used to be a lower percentage of the score, like weighted, and don't quote me on these exact numbers, but it used to be weighted somewhere like 30%. And now it's more, actually. They've bumped it up to close to 40% because one of the reasons was they wanted talent to play more of a role in choosing the Miss America. So now it's higher.

Well, I don't want to get... That's interesting. In case everyone was wondering. And Miss Universe, do you know about Miss Universe? I don't know much about it. No talent at Miss Universe. Do you think it's a little unfair that there is a Miss Universe, do you know about the Miss Universe thing? I'm curious about it. I don't know much about it. What about Miss Universe? No talent. Do you think it's a little unfair that there is a Miss Universe since we don't really know about life on any other planet? Right. It seems unfair.

It seems kind of cocky. Like Pluto, they don't get a pageant. And it's very diminishing of Miss America. I'm Miss America. Well, I'm Miss Universe. You got the whole universe? Isn't that sweet? Miss America.

Black holes. Do you want to know how the Miss Universe organization started, though? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so in the 1950s, there was a Miss America who didn't want to be photographed in a swimsuit. And Catalina Swimsuits were the sponsor that year. And they wanted to photograph Miss America in a bikini. And she said, I'm not going to be photographed in a bikini. I am worth more than that.

I won this job based on more than that. And that's not what I do in my job. So I'm not going to be photographed in a bikini. And she said, I'm not going to be photographed in a bikini. I am worth more than that. I won this job based on more than that, and that's not what I do in my job, so I'm not going to be photographed in a bikini. So they said, all right, we're not going to be a sponsor anymore. We're going to go start our own pageant. And they started Miss USA. Miss? USA.

Miss USA. And then Miss USA, that turned into the Miss Universe organization. Oh, I didn't know that. But now you've gone beyond a beauty contest, and you're a political pundit. Is that? Sure. I'm a commentator.

I usually comment on things from a millennial perspective, right? So politics, business, what's going on in the culture, entertainment, et cetera, from a millennial perspective. So we are the largest group now that exists. Some 90 million people. We outnumber baby boomers. Take that, baby boomers. Yeah, so our voice matters and shapes policy

and shapes business and trends and all of those things. So, yeah, that's what it is. What's the definition of a millennial? Someone who turned 18 in the year 2000?

1981 to 2000. Born between 1981 and 2000. Oh, I'm a millennial. I didn't even know it. Yeah. I think I'm generation Y. A handsome millennial. All I know is I was born

in the year of the cock. Really? Oh, jeez. According to who? According to the Chinese horoscope. According to China. What am I? I don't know what year we were born in.

I only know my. I don't know every. Dan is very selfish. Can I just answer you though? It's 81 because that's the year you'd be old enough to vote in 2000. And 2000 because, shouldn't it be 2014? It's 81 to 2000.

Oh, 2000. You'd be 16 now. Yes. So 16-year-olds are considered millennials even though they don't vote yet. Okay. Yeah. It's strange that I'm lumped in the same category as like 16-year-olds. I mean, I think that's general. You know, whenever you define a generation, Gen Xers, Baby Boomers, whatever, the years are kind of fluid, but that's general.

It's also what's to do with... Being millennial is also a state of mind. I, for example, send out a lot of GIFs, you know, G-I-F-S. Very millennial-ish. That's very millennial. Do you know the guy who invented those actually says you pronounce it JIFs? I always thought it was JIFs.

It's CompuServe. No, no, no. And there is a... But most people look at you funny. actually says you pronounce it Jif's. I always thought it was Jif's. It's CompuServe. There is something that I never would have thought would be life enhancing and yet I find it rather pleasurable to send out. A lot of fun to send. And there's certainly nothing I could say that's going to be more charming than a bear saying, waving hello.

Yeah, it's cute. He never sent me one. I wouldn't say it to you, but for a young lady I might do that, too. Why don't we get... Can I talk about the two? And they're both rape-oriented. Oh, please do. Did you say rape-oriented?

I said, yes, I did. Well, I do want to get to Trump, because... The first one is Trump, or one of them is Trump. Okay. The Trump grabbed the pussy. Do we have... Dan. He doesn't like that word.

Hey, if it's okay for our future president to say it, why can't Dan say it? It's not okay for our future president to say it. Oh, I was under the impression by watching Fox News that it's okay for our future president to say anything. No. Locker room talk. Anyway, Noam has some very strong opinions about this whole thing. Listen, I always find myself in this position. I don't like Trump.

I've never liked him. The first time Trump came on my radar as vulgar, I remember him saying something like, anyone who doesn't think it matters to bang supermodels has never banged supermodels. He's always had this kind of arrogant vulgarity to him. Nevertheless, I tried to imagine sitting across the table

from somebody saying exactly what it is, the transcript of what Trump said about this guy having the pussy and all that. And I tell you, I would have walked away from that not thinking the guy

was a sexual molester. I would have walked away thinking the guy was just showing off about what it's like to be a rock star. Women throw themselves at you. They do whatever you want.

Because in the same conversation, he describes striking out with this girl trying to buy her furniture and all this stuff. And so that's just... I mean, he's disgusting. And even if he does, if women do allow that kind of behavior, and by the way, Jeff, you probably have some experience with him,

and I've been around musicians, these kind of things do go on. I mean, I've seen situations where it's just groupies and women with low regard and daddy issues, whatever that is, they gravitate to these men, and you can feel the vibe, and it's true. The men can basically do whatever they want, and it's probably intoxicating in some way if you don't have some sort of inner voice telling you not to take advantage of this.

Right, like a moral compass. Barack Obama could probably go sleep with 20 women tonight if he wanted, but we have no evidence or reason to believe that he would. However, now this tape has suggested that Donald Trump, given that opportunity, would not only act on it, but invites that kind of behavior. I know a ton of guys like that. Yeah, but they're not running for president. No, but he's being accused of being a sexual assaulter.

He said, sometimes I can't help myself. I just go up and I kiss him. Yeah, but I have to say, as I said to Dan, there is one. Now, we found there's one woman who's come forward and said something that Donald Trump tried to make out with her. It's Jill Hearth. And that was the New York Times. Yeah. have come forward and reported any of this type of behavior, as opposed to Bill Clinton, who has a couple dozen women who've reported this kind of stuff.

So it's much more credible, like with Bill Cosby. I mean, there were dozens of women coming forward. After, what, a long time. Right, but he's been running for president for a year now. Donald's very clever, though. And also, he probably makes people sign things and does all these kind of things. You can't. And you're afraid of a rich guy.

You're going to be like, well, this guy will bury me. You can't keep that stuff a secret. He's going to be POTUS. I mean, you can't keep that. Well, I know a lot of people. I worked at NBC. I'm in the reality department of NBC for the last whatever amount of years. He's been a reality star at NBC for a long time.

I know a man, personally, who Donald would do things through him, personally. They would say, like, a woman's going to be calling you and I'm going to be meeting this woman at 5pm for whatever. This all goes through your phone. And he can just hand his phone to Melina or anyone else and say, what have I been doing wrong? That he cheats on his wife? Not just that, but anything he wants to do.

I'm just drawing a line whether he's a violent assassin. Given what you've heard, given his tone of voice and everything you've heard, do you believe that he actually does what he is talking about doing, which is to say grabbing a woman's vagina with no reason to believe that she wants it? Do you believe that he does that, given what you heard on that set? In private.

Here's the thing, though. I totally agree. I'm thinking about that. Do you believe that he does that? Sure. Given what you heard on that day. Said it in private. Yes. Here's the thing, though, is I totally agree what you're... I'm thinking about that. I don't think it's... Go ahead. I'll let you go first. It's not that easy a question, the way you worded it. It's not... Yeah, I totally agree with you about the fact that Bill Clinton's indiscretions with those

women are just as bad. And he did those things. And those women did come out, and their stories should... They can't even get through an interview without bursting into tears. Without bawling, right. And that's horrible. And here's what frustrates me, as someone who is a

conservatarian, right? I call myself kind of a conservatarian millennial. Which is cursive for conservative, right? Exactly. It's a blending of conservative and libertarian. There's so many beautiful women in the country. You notice all the beautiful women that are the conservatives? There's tons of beautiful liberal women. There's tons of beautiful liberal women.

In a different way. I'm friends with lots of them. But here's the thing that bothers me, is that so many of the conservatives that during the 1990s took the stance of taking the moral high ground when this was happening with Bill Clinton, these allegations were coming out, and a lot of people said it's just his sex life, you know,

that's separate from how he could govern. And they said, no, it's not, because character matters. And this is the president. This is the office of the presidency. This is the man who's on elementary schools, whose pictures up there that young kids are looking up to, right? That matters. And yet now they're trying to reverse the logic to support Donald Trump, saying that the character.

Well, you know, it doesn't matter. Like this is a guy who's running for the highest office in the land. So whether or not he's a sexual assaulter or just talked about it, it's still out there. And young kids are seeing that. Can I answer? Yeah. That's a fine point. I kind of agree with you. But just to be fair to the 90s, Bill Clinton in the 90s was accused of getting a blowjob from an intern. But aren't they both wrong? What's that? Getting a blowjob from an intern is wrong?

No. As president? When you're married? I don't care. The world will see it as wrong. I don't give a shit, but they might. Is it wrong? I mean, it's certainly not criminal. I don't think it's wrong.

I mean, I don't think it's wrong. Me personally, I don't care. It's wrong between him and his wife, it's wrong. Yeah. It's not wrong. I mean, she's a consenting adult. He's a consenting adult. If she, and to this day, she's never said, oh, he put undue pressure on me.

He forced me. You know, I mean, this kind of thing goes on every single day of the week. There are many people who've been happily married for 30 years whose relationship started out with some extramarital thing. I'm not going to judge that. The question is whether the person who has the nuclear code should be held to a higher standard

than the average person. John Kennedy said he had to have a different woman every day. We didn't know that then. Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King had sex And then he said he had to have a different woman every day. Right, but we didn't know that then, and we know this now. Martin Luther King. Right, but we know this now. Martin Luther King had sex parties. You can't judge based on what you don't know.

But to what she was saying, in my opinion, we hold athletes to that standard. Yeah. I don't. Well, but the society, I'm not talking about you or me. We don't anymore. Our code is much different than, like, Marshawn Lynch has been fined by the NFL for saying sillier things than what a man that could be pleasant. If I could just interrupt you, the NFL, that's the National Football League.

The NFL is a business, and they do whatever they do. Only you are not aware of what that means. I just read that online. He just had to say something. I use these confusing acronyms that people can't get their mind around. Well, you know, some from the non-sports fans in the mongar are listening. We will say, like, Charles Barkley

got in trouble because when he was on the Olympic team, he said offensive things about not, you know, he didn't represent our country well. And that's a center for the Philadelphia 76ers, not a guy that's running for office. But I just want to take her argument. I want to flip it the other way. In the 90s,

liberals looked the other way and explained away all of Clinton's indiscretions. Which is not right. And now they're screaming bloody murder. But in the end, I don't think... If the Monica Lewinsky thing had been the credible accusation

of rape, Clinton would have been done. And it kind of almost diminishes the accusation of rape to compare it to an intern giving somebody a blowjob.

I mean, the intern is, at the same time, it's also the question of men in power using their influence over young

impressionable women. How else are we going to, you could argue, we don't all look like Jeff Dino. Which you could argue, yeah,

consensual, the consensual nature of all that, but it's the same thing that Donald Trump was talking about using his position of power as a celebrity to influence women. I don't think that's what he was saying. To go after them in a certain way.

He said star. He said star. Right. No, but the whole, the whole juxta, like the whole crux and context of that conversation was like me as a male celebrity, this is what I'm drawn to. And you can do anything to women. So let me ask you, when Mick Jagger bangs a groupie, is he using his position of power? Yeah.

Oh, I don't see it that way. I don't see it that way. I want to know what's being... Of course he is. If he was just him without his power, he wouldn't know. I'm an employer. We all got to use what we have. Of course they do.

We all got to use what we have. So you're telling me that Mick Jagger, just walking down the street, if he had none of the power and influence that he has through his music, that women would be after him in the same way that they do? No, but I'm a powerful woman. I'm attracted to you. Okay, I think you're a gorgeous woman. Thank you.

But I'm more attracted to you because you are Miss America. Now we're getting somewhere. Take it easy, Jeff. I am. I'm like Miss America. Jeff, by the way, could I? When guys ask me who I've slept with, they go, you ever slept with a celebrity?

You ever slept with a playmate of the year? You ever slept with a pussycat? They ask me these things. But that's not right. That's what I'm saying. It doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother them. It's because it's a level of success.

Well, we all use what we have. Can I just say one thing? I would define power as when somebody does something because somebody is powerful, it could mean because they're intoxicated and find them attractive because they're powerful. Success. That's not what I think we mean usually. We mean that they were intimidated that if they didn't go along, this person's power could be brought to bear against them,

an employer to an employee. When Mick Jagger bangs a groupie, the groupie's not worried about Mick's retaliation. When Trump bangs an employee or a president and an intern, there could be the worry of the power. I was talking about power more from the sense of the groupie attraction. Like, it's the president. It's the ultimate aphrodisiac. What's wrong with that?

What's wrong with being... Clinton's hot. What's wrong with using your... Well, if he's married. Oh, he's married. Well, then that's another issue. It's probably a good idea not to go after that. Some women are attracted to married men.

Plus, I think women deep down, and you're a woman. You'll understand. You're a lady. She is. I think that women deep down. Contrary to popular. Yeah, everyone has sexual desire. Men, women, it's all there.

But women deep down, and I think this is kind of what's coming up in this country right now, right? This is a very current issue. Deep down, women want to be valued for more than being a sex object. And we're trying our best. But I have to say... And that's why they can have a dalliance or they can do a night out with Mick Jagger.

But at the end of the day, they really want to be valued for their mind and for their character and who they are as a human being. Of course they do. Of course they do. And as I said, we're trying. Thanks for trying.

Well, when I talk to a beautiful woman, I do my best to say things like, well, that's very interesting. But in my head, in my head I'm thinking, she got that booty, booty. Well, it's true. It's true that women have a role in that.

We're biological entities. There's a primal instinct to that. We're biological entities. And here's a question that I was having this discussion the other day. Now, women, as you know, men love pretty women, obviously. Donald Trump, more than

the average, perhaps, but we all do. But women love pretty women, and women love being pretty. And how much of that do you think is society? And how much do you think that women just... Noam's always making the point that his daughter is a real princess. She loves to dress pretty

and she loves to wear dresses. Women value beauty. It's a big deal. It's biblical. But how much of that is because of men creating that environment? And how much do you think

women just biologically just love being beautiful? Yeah. We want to be, why is a flower good? Because it's pretty. It doesn't do anything for me, but I like looking

at a beautiful flower. I don't feel guilty that I'm like, oh, I didn't think Because it's pretty. It doesn't do anything for me, but I like looking at a beautiful flower. I don't feel guilty that I'm like, oh, I didn't think that it's a living plant and I'm plucking it. It also bears fruit. I've just used it to sit in a vase on my coffee table and I've used it for, I killed it to just let it live for a week.

No, I like it because it's pretty and it's nice and it makes me happy to look at. That's totally right, except when you get to the subjectivity of beauty. Because some, as we all know, some men find Kim Kardashian the most beautiful woman on the planet and others think Kate Moss is the most

beautiful woman on the planet. So beauty is truly subjectivity. Well, now they've done studies now. Look, first of all Let her make her point out. Well, but with regard to beauty being subjective, no one's going to say that you're, that no heterosexual male will say that Rosie O'Donnell is better looking than you. It's just not going to happen.

Well, I do appreciate that compliment. Thank you. Well, I mean, it's not the competition. It's not all that rigid. But we have to remember that subjectivity regarding beauty is there. It's a thing. I mean, look at the arguments in the art world.

I love art. I'm a big art lover. So there's tons mean, look at the arguments in the art world. I love art. I'm a big art lover. So there's tons of conversation about what constitutes beauty in the art world. Because I'm not trying to fuck art. That's good. Good. We're getting somewhere. Well, that's not what I heard.

No, but it's just the fact that women need to, right, women do enjoy having their beauty be enjoyed and appreciated by others, but it can't be the ultimate thing. You can't take something that we would like and make it an essential thing. Women have to be okay and love their beauty first before they expect other people to love it, and they can't make other people's validation of their beauty the essential thing in their lives.

Well, that seems like a consummation devoutly to be wished, if I may quote Shakespeare. But we're fighting biological... Ah, he lost everyone. Have I? He lost everyone. We're fighting a biological, you know, biological mechanism.

Right. No, you're right. Men, you know, beauty is so important. Now, Jeff Dye. Is your beauty so important? I find health and my looks to be a big part of my life. I want nice teeth. I want nice things.

But nobody calls me vain when I brush my teeth three times a day. No one calls me vain when I go for a jog. But yet somehow I'm vain if I go, like, let me look at that photo before we post it. Because we draw these weird lines about what is vain and what isn't vain. But I just want to look my best because people treat me nicer when I'm more confident or when I'm like whatever. And I do those things that are those things. But we all do it. I'm not gay if you're curious.

I know what I look like. I feel like I have to tell people. I know. Nobody's looking at me going like I have to tell people. I know. Nobody's looking at me going, I bet that guy could beg a deer. No, this is my look. I think I'd make a great gay man though. Yeah, I'm very friendly.

I smile a lot. I smell good. I love parades I like to dance you know I just don't like guys and I guess that's the most important part just frustrating and why these gay guys are so exclusive because I want in Because I want in, you know what I'm saying? These gay guys got it made, you know? I see sad ladies all the time. You know, being in New York, I'll see girls, like, weeping in public, you know?

I see upset fellas all the time. There's some mean guys here tonight, you know, just cross-armed, like, I didn't want to come to this shit, you know? But I've never, in my 31 years years seen a sad gay guy ever always skipping around smiling it was look all smooth and shit you know it was got tons of money I'm like let me in you know I'll be the crazy gay guy that dates chicks. You know? It's not fair.

Hogging all the happiness. I, a lot of people are surprised when they find out that I'm not gay. Mostly my dad and grandfather. Thank you for laughing so hard at that. No, but this guy the other night, he was real surprised too. This guy said right to my face,

he goes, you're not gay? I was like, no. He's like, you're not gay. I was like, no. He's like, why'd you let me buy you six drinks? Times are tough, baby. Don't make this weird. Try to tell guys that all the time.

Go in there, flirt a little, you know. Chat them up, get some free drinks. You don't have to sleep with them. Women have been doing it for centuries. Jeff, I want to know what's the... You just think some people's vanity is better than other people's vanity. What's the least amount you've ever talked to a girl after a show before having sex with her? Oh, this is going to make me look like a douche

if I tell you this story. Do you have a girlfriend? No. Okay. So you're allowed to talk about it. Leave in monogamy? You might. Well, as a joke, so this story's going to make me look horrible. Please don't judge me based on this story. However, one time we were in Milwaukee after

a theater show. It was for Last Comic Standing. And as a joke, I went up to this really beautiful woman. I said to my buddy, I said, watch this. As a joke. And I went up to her and I just leaned in. Because I'm playful. That's how I flirt. I don't ever try to be cool because I'm like the clumsy, cute guy.

I'm not like sexy, confident guy. I'm like clumsy, cute. So I went up to her and I leaned in and I go, want to get out of here? That was the first thing I said to her as a joke, because you see that in movies and stuff. And she was obviously, she looked at me and said, sure. And we literally left.

And I remember being like, this felt like a TV show or like a movie or something. And all my friends were like, there's no way that worked. I was like, I promise you. How good looking was she? She was beautiful. And that's why I picked her. I mean, what's your list? But beautiful women actually don't get hit on way that worked. I was like, I promise you. How good looking was she? She was beautiful and that's why I picked her to walk over to. But beautiful women actually don't get hit on

and approached as much so they do appreciate it when a guy, because most men are intimidated by beautiful women so they don't get She also told me

she thought it was very funny and it's not like we just went back to my place, like my hotel and just started banging. We talked and we had drinks at my place.

And then went back to your hotel and started banging. We did have sex like hours later but it wasn't as frivolous as it sounds. And also, she just thought it was funny.

And I was trying to be funny. What's your minimum? You ever throw a six a bone just for shits and giggles? What? A six? Dan. What? That's offensive.

Yeah. You can answer. Go ahead, John. I'll allow it. I have sex with who I want to have sex with. But what it like, in terms of feminine beauty, what's your basic average? I will say if you lined up every human I've ever had sex with, you would notice a pattern. Let's say that.

But that's just who I'm attracted to. And I'm a thin dude. Why do we have to give women numbers? How many is that? No, not you. Not you. Oh, well. Why are we giving women numbers?

I don't want Jeff is trying to come off like Mr. Nice. He's never given a woman a number. No, well. Why are we giving women numbers? I don't want Jeff trying to come off like Mr. Nice because he's never given a woman a number. No, wait, but wait. I don't generally do. I'm a group with sisters and stuff

and I've been very delicate about the subject of weight and subject of looks. I'm talking about like number of scale of one to ten number. I've never done that. Good for you.

Oh, stop it. Don't you know he's easy? Go be a light in L.A., sir. This guy is full of it. Of course he's done it. I don't tell you. It's sir. This guy is full of it. Of course he's done it. It's outrageous. I'm not saying I'm not a... That's like, but that's like the locker room.

Oh, look, she's already, I tell you, she's already in his spell. Giving a girl a number is a locker room? No, I'm not. Trust me, she's not. No, no, no, it's the same excuse. Can I call hypocrisy? You're Miss America. No, it's the same excuse.

You're in a beauty contest. She's given a number a bunch of times, actually. She's in a beauty contest and she's complaining about, we're only allowed to do it if it's a beauty contest. No, actually, I would like to say that since competing and since leaving, obviously that was eight years ago. You have become a 10 since leaving. Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

Again, but what I'm saying is that I have second thoughts about having competed. Major second thoughts. I decided to compete at 17 years old. I was graduating high school and I was doing it for a couple hundred bucks in scholarship money. And I accidentally won my local pageant. I did not try. I did not try. And I won. So then I had to go to Miss Michigan and compete there. And so then I won that. And then I won Miss America. So like happened to me accidentally, to be honest. And especially now because of the work that I do,. I work on college campuses with women all the time. We talk about eating disorders, body image, self-esteem, all of that,

like women's empowerment issues. And I see the destruction that things like that do to these girls and their minds when they compare themselves and their bodies. So guess what I do now? I write op-eds about we need to remove the swimsuit competition. We don't need to have that. And so my views have totally changed. Would you write a thing that Miss America should no longer judge beauty at all?

Yeah. Well, no one would watch. I know. I know. But there's a difference between when you have principle. I don't know. I haven't thought about that. What is so terrible about judging beauty?

There's nothing wrong with judging beauty But there is something wrong with equating beauty With being the essential quality of womanhood Yeah, but Jeff Yeah, I think everybody would agree with that But I've never heard anybody say That it should be the essential quality of womanhood But it's not

I mean, Jeff doesn't want to give a number and you're right to not give a number because it seems a little coarse. You don't want to do it on the radio. But the fact is that you're trying to get, I saw two girls, which one was prettier? Oh, she was prettier.

It's the same thing. You're just, it's a comparative, you know, and it's not. Look, if somebody says to you, any man,

somebody says to any man, I have a girl I want you to meet. I think you guys would, you know, be a good couple. The first thing he's going to ask is, what does she look like? Or can I see a picture?

And that's the first thing they're going to want to know. And they'll say, what would you rate her? Because it's kind of a way of... That might just be me, though. As far as, I grew up with a bunch of girls, and I'm much more sensitive to those subjects. Also, you've been treated so well by women that he doesn't even get it.

I love this prejudice. The gradation between 9.1 and 9.2 and 9.3 is tough for him. It's this club. It's this whole, like, comics have to be tortured. And we have to be buttfucked as babies. And we're all, no one wants to fuck us. We have no money. You have money.

I didn't say you have. We love you. You're very charming. You're way more personable than any dude I know in Los Angeles. Finally, after 20 years, finally I can get a stitch of tail. Yeah. After 20 years. It's the self-deprecation nonsense.

And even then, I don't get what you get, but that's fine. No, see, this is where you're wrong. Yeah. See, now you're doing it. He gets, you get nice girls. His girls, you think his girls are hotter than yours? I don't know. I don't know.

I've never seen a girlfriend of his. I'm just assuming. You've seen girlfriends. But that's not. I have a subject. I kind of agree with Kirsten, actually. I mean, seen a girlfriend of his. I'm just assuming. You've seen girlfriends. I have a subject. I kind of agree with Kirsten, actually. I mean, you know, you want a girl to be attractive. My only point is the reason... Super hot, hot, as long as they're attractive.

The reason he has such a great attitude and I don't judge women and aren't they wonderful flowers is because he's been living in fairytale land his whole life. He's living in a gumdrop hut next to a chocolate river. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22. Hold on. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22. Well, that was your choice. I was a late bloomer.

No, no. I'll show you photos. I was 22 as well. Bring it back around. I didn't know what I was doing. Poor. That was what turned me off about Trump when he said anyone who doesn't value banging supermodels has never banged supermodels never bang supermodels I was like really does it a supermodel is that much greater than just a you

know an average pretty girl you know that and that was that's the vulgarity of the man right sometimes you like a little junk in the trunk what's that sometimes a little like a little junk in the trunk I know but he just elevates it more than I'm comfortable with I mean I don't know if that means he can't be president or be a bad president, but there is something extreme. Everything in this guy I think can be reduced to the word vulgar. So who grabs a pussy, if I may use that? Who makes fun of a

disabled guy? Who calls somebody a pig? Who says, who calls a POW a loser for getting caught? I will also say, as a guy who spends time I'm just saying, even if you spend a lot of time in locker rooms as a guy who spends a lot of time in locker rooms, that's not even locker room talk. If I heard a guy go, oh, it's the greatest.

They'll let us do anything. Sometimes I just kiss them. I just go up to them and kiss. I'll grab them by their pussy. Us in the locker room would go, what are you talking about? Like locker room talk. He didn't actually say he would grab them by their pussy. Locker room talk is like, dude, you see that blonde?

Oh, my God, she's gorgeous. Man, the things I would do to her. It's like hypothetical. It's never like, here's what I do sometimes. You'd be like, what is this? Get this kicker out of here. This guy obviously is just making things up. But that's the thing.

My locker room is mostly confined to Equinox Fitness, and nobody knows each other, so it would be odd to go up to some guy and be like, hey. Oh, my God, I'm so awkward. Who would, by the way, like, hey. Oh, my gosh. So awkward. You know what I'll do? Who would, by the way, like, I just find even, I understand it's just he may not actually do these things, but just the idea of referencing, you can grab a woman's pussy. I mean, he may not do it, but I'm just saying, I just don't, I say crude shit about women, but just grabbing, there's something particularly

aggressive about grabbing. Predatory. Who grabs a, you know, the basic rule is first the kiss, then the breast, then the vagina.

Who the hell goes right to the vagina? Who made that fucking rule? That's the rule. Well, like, when you're being intimate, not with a stranger. What if I'm a lady

that likes someone and really goes straight for the grab? Then Trump's your guy. Then you're not a lady. Can I, can I, I'm not justifying what Trump did. When I hear the story of Trump, I say, that's it, I'm fucking not going to vote for him. Then someone's inside says, wait a second, Dwarven.

But you will vote for the person who did that. And are you saying that that's not disqualifying? And that's when I say, wait a second, let me try to think this clearly. You know, even what seems to be true about Hillary, like when the guy gets killed in Benghazi and she sees the parent and says, it was that video and we're going to get the guy who did that video

and then goes right home and emails Chelsea, it was an Al-Qaeda-like group. What kind of person has ice in their veins that can lie to the parent of someone who just lost their child in that way. Like, I'm a parent. What would bother me more?

Someone who lied to me that way or some guy I heard made some vulgar... So that's what I'm just saying. Everybody needs to take a deep breath and just try to put the fact that it's sexual and understand how powerful the fact that it's sexual is and how prejudicial a judgment it can lead us to because sex is so powerful.

If we're judging morality. But since Donald's never been in politics, we have to then decide the question mark of if a man with this kind of character was in that scenario,

would he do things like that? Obama wouldn't. We have no political... Look at Obama. Eight years of Obama and I'm not a fan of Obama. Eight years of Obama, there's not one...

He always conducts himself well. His reflex always seems to be honest for the most part. Well, they have better reflexes. Black guys have better reflexes. It's general. His character reflex. I think Obama's relatives are from West Africa. Oh, okay.

No, you get me? There's an apparent class to the man. There always has been. Presidential. And you don't see that. And Hillary's reflex always seems to be to lie, even when there's no reason in the world for her to lie.

I was named after Sir Edmund Hillary. I dug sniper fire. Wipe a server? You mean with a cloth? I mean, it's just over and over. And that was a really bad one. I found the billing records in my bedroom. Oh, I made $100,000 with Chicken Futures.

Oh, I was lucky, I guess. I mean, the list is dozens, you know? This is why Americans are so upset, and it's visceral. I mean, you can feel it on social media when you talk to people. They are just so utterly dissatisfied with the choice between these two people. It's depressing. It really is. I was at the Met yesterday. I go to the Met to clear my hair. really is. I was at the Met yesterday.

I go to the Met to clear my hair. You know, I was at the Met recently. Yeah, right. Well, because I was trying to impress a chick who wanted to go to a museum. No, I wanted to go to the wax museum. You would have impressed me. I love the Met. I go there to clear my head sometimes, and they have portraits of Ben Franklin there

as part of a special exhibit. And I walked in there, and I saw the face of this man, and I couldn't help but think. The 100th president, right? He was a president, my friend. No, it's a currency joke. How much do you leave? I get it. Tell the Ben Franklin thing.

I was looking at him and I couldn't help but think how glad I was that he was dead and not around to see the state of this country and the choices that we have. But he was a womanizer, Ben Franklin. I know he was.

How much did you pay? It was cool back then. At the Metropolitan Museum, they have a suggested donation. It says $25 an adult for a suggested donation, which seems pretty high, but then again, it's only suggested. So I gave them a nice 10 spot.

What? They should have given 25? I didn't even want to be there! It said donations, adult 25, children 10. What? They should have given 25? I didn't even want to be there. It said donations, adult 25, children 10. What about dudes that are there? Wait a minute. You did this in front of a girl that you took on a date to the museum? It wasn't a date. It wasn't a date.

It wasn't a date. It wasn't a date. It was just some girl wanted to go to the museum, and I didn't have the balls to say, I don't really like museums. But you just said you were trying to impress her by going to the museum, so you thought that it would not impress her if you gypped on the price of a dish. What Dan is saying is that before they left, she said to Dan, look, this is not a date. And Dan said, of course not.

But he was speeded as it may, whatever. He definitely had his goals. I guess I have my priorities. But how much did you, what was your suggested donation? Well, I go all the time. Like, I literally go all the time. So I usually pay $5 every time I go. $5?

Because I go all the time. The unmitigated audacity. For a hot chick to pay $5 for anything is impressive. Half of what Dan Aderman pays. First of all, my guess is her income is much higher than mine. That's my guess. Yes, look at this. I go all the time, and I also pay New York City taxes.

Well, I pay New York City taxes. I know. But if you're going once a week then she's paying $20. Everybody jumps down my throat. She's using it more? She's using it more. You're enjoying it. Unlike me who is like half dead

walking around there. It's like the reason why I go to Central Park all the time is because it's a public good, and you pay for it, and you should use it. When you go to the Central Park, what do you give? When I walk to Central Park, when I walk by the ticket counter, actually, my hubby and I are going to... No, we want to give to the park so we can get our name

either on a bench or... Yeah, yeah. You want to be immortalized? Yes. Or get our name either on a bench. Yeah, yeah. You want to be immortalized? Yes. Or get our name on a stone. My husband is getting home tonight from a work trip, actually. He works for a museum. Which one?

A new museum opening next year in Washington, D.C. called the Museum of the Bible. Wow. Are you religious folk? We're Christians. So you believe in God? You believe in Jesus? Yes.

That's a founding principle of Christianity. Jesus is your Lord and Savior. Yes. All right, now we're Christians. So you believe in God. You believe in Jesus. That's a founding principle of Christianity. Jesus is your Lord and Savior. All right, now we're getting somewhere. Because now we're talking about Trump. Do you believe in God after she says we're Christians? That's my favorite follow-up question. You know what? I'm not going to, well.

But to be fair, the Museum of the Bible isn't like an evangelical museum. It's going to be artifacts. It's historical. They work very closely with the Vatican and the Orthodox Jewish community and all that. So it's an artifact. What do you think about the Muslim immigration? Now, as you know, Trump wants to limit Muslim immigration. Now, as a Christian, what are your thoughts on that?

Oh, that's ridiculous. Let me ask you a second follow-up question. I knew you were going to say that, and you're right. But let me ask you a follow-up question. I knew you were going to say that and you're right, but let me ask you a follow-up question. What if I told you that America would be, if we continue with our current immigration policy, will one day be 90% Muslim and Christmas

will no longer be a national holiday and there'll be more... You know what? My Christianity is not defined by my country. That's the thing. A lot of people say this country was founded on Judeo-Christian ethics, morals and ethics, and that's true, it was.

But we are not a Christian country. Our founders, many of them were deists, okay? We have a secular constitution, and the church thrives and always has thrived when it is not in power.

This is not a theocracy. It's a democracy. And so if 90% are Muslims in 100 years, then that is... I don't agree. First of all, forget about Muslims for a second. If you if 90% are Muslims in 100 years, then that is... I don't agree. First of all, forget about Muslims for a second. If you were to tell me that New York City is going to get 90% Hasidic Jews,

I'd be like, get me a ticket. I'm getting the fuck out of here. And everyone else will. Let's just dispense of the thing. Boy, I'm glad you said it. I mean, I'm nothing against anybody. But see, you have the right to do that. But there are insular cultures and there are non-insular cultures.

There's cultures where they execute homosexuals and there's cultures which believe that that's an abomination. And there's countries which execute homosexuals. We can't ban all Muslims. But if Trump, as he said, says, listen, we're going to slow down on the countries where a lot of terrorists are coming from. Right, but that's not theological. Yes, it shouldn't be theological. It's not theological at all. It's based on evidential facts.

Do you place any value in the—so you place no value in the fact that we live in a country where, even though it's not a Christian nation in terms of officially, but around Christmastime, kids get off from school. We have holidays. People say Merry Christmas. There's Christmas trees in the street. You turn on the radio, you hear, that's it,

Chris Kringle, Jing, Jing, Jingle-o. Would you rather hear that or Hello, Ale? I've been to the moon. Oh, that's, you guys. I'm just asking a question. But my preferences are so low.

I want to hear the Goo Goo Dolls. Hello, Ale. Which, by the way, I like that music. You don't like that music. Can I listen to that? I like that. But Which, by the way, I like that music. You don't like that music. Can I listen to that? I like that. But honestly, this is actually what makes me, as someone who is a Christian,

I think that the coupling of the religious right and the moral majority and all that of the 80s and 90s was such a bad thing because the church, just like most faith communities, what are they involved in? They're involved in helping the community, helping the poor and the marginalized, serving the vulnerable. That's what the church and that's what faith communities should be doing. They shouldn't be about legislating morality from the top down. That gives people such a negative view of faith communities when really they should be serving. Their hearts should be in their work and what they do. That's when they work best. So frankly, I'm not all about

like Christians have to be in power, blah, blah, blah. We have to preserve Christmas. Because that's not what faith is about. Faith is about serving the poor and the marginalized. That is what we are about. Obviously, we're Christians, so we believe in Jesus and all. You don't have to get into doctrine, but that should be the action of faith communities. We have to end. Wait, can I ask one important, very important question? Sure, go ahead.

Would you have paid the full $25 if you knew you were getting sex at the end of the date? Obviously. He would have given it straight of the date? Well, obviously. He would have given this straight to the girl if it was possible. What a stupid question. Of course. That's how powerful

sex is. In lieu of Dan, in lieu of the rating scale of 1 to 10, from now on, when you tell me how hot a girl is, I'm going to say,

would she be hot enough to get you to spend a whole radio show talking about politics, which you never want to do? You're going to say, I found her very beautiful. Dan has never agreed to talking about politics, which you never want to do. Dan has never agreed to talk about politics before until this pretty lady sat down.

Well, she is a pretty lady, no question about it. But that's not why we decided to talk about politics because this is an issue I don't like to talk about real detailed minutiae of politics. I'm not qualified to address it. Just admit it, Dan. But when the candidate talks about grabbing pussy

and everybody's talking about it, it is very interesting. Then his ears perk up. And we have an attractive woman who's no doubt been subject to, you know, a lot of creepy guys out there. And we have a handsome man that looks like he might have been a creepy guy.

Also the subject of a lot of creepy guys. Tell us all yourself, short guy. You have a creepy guy. And I am a creepy guy, right. So I did want, I had one more thing I wanted to discuss. We can cut it down. Go ahead. Oh, well, also, does anybody else have a problem where they wipe and it seems like everything

is clean? Oh, God. Yeah? Why would he bring the show to that? They what? You know, you wipe and everything seems clean. I mean, you know, there's nothing there. And then an hour later, you wind up at the comedy cellar

and it's itchy down there. No, I've never had that. I've never had that either. Okay, okay. I guess it's just me. I'm so happy you extended the show for that, though. Yeah, really.

Rather than just end and go scratch yourself. We'll get some kind of baby wipe sponsorship out of that. It could be that I should see a doctor then. Yeah, yeah.

A psychologist. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we should take a vote. It definitely could be a symptom of something serious, Dan. Well, I just had a checkup and everything was in the green. Blood pressure, blood work all in the green, cholesterol, etc. We should do colon hydrotherapy. Oh, man, I get colonics like three times a year. Yeah, colonics.

And you get colonics? I have gotten them. I love them. Is anybody else turned on by that? No. The royals do them. The British royals do them. What exactly is a colonic?

Okay, so it's great. And judge not, my friends. Well, that Jesus said that. What would happen lest you be judged? Lest you be judged. Are you a Christian, Jeff Dye? Yes, I am. A very liberal, my friends. Well, that Jesus said that. What happened, lest you be judged. Are you a Christian, Jeff Dye? Yes, I am. A very liberal, strange one. I only

believe the red words, not the rest of the books. I believe what Jesus spoke about, not the Colossians 3.30 keep your women in check nonsense. So, basically what happens is you go to a nice lady who will walk you through the entire process.

She takes a tube, inserts it just a little bit inside of you. In your butt. Yes, and then puts like a very clean, organic water into your... Have you met Rick Crome? You feel your whole tummy rise, and it fills with water, and then it goes back into a machine, and then they keep doing this process over and over until you're completely because a lot of things stay inside you.

It's detoxifying. It's incredible. You feel so good after. You've done it too? It's like a little bit of discomfort and vulnerability. The discomfort is very short. Can it put you to sleep during it?

You've gone through millions of more uncomfortable things than what this is. And it could save your life. Could have saved Elvis' life. Could have saved John Wayne's life. Maybe his wife. Maybe his wife, too. She ate a lot of red meat.

She ate a lot of red meat. Oh, my gosh. If any of our listeners have experienced what I've experienced, you're welcome to write in. Dirtbaggery. I think Dan has number two problems. We call that shit. He owes somebody lactose intolerance. You got defecational issues.

I have lactose intolerance. That's correct. I think everyone has lactose intolerance. But a lot of people do. That's certainly not rare. Milk is made for baby calves, not human beans.

Are you a vegan? I don't believe in dairy at all. I don't eat dairy either. And I eat fish. I don't eat meat. You guys are meant for each other. It's too bad she's married.

She doesn't believe in marriage. That's another thing we wouldn't bond on. I do. I do believe in marriage. It's hard freaking work, but it is good. Oh, it's hard.

It's like Dan. No, thank you. Dan has a whole joke exactly about you. Well, I certainly do. Jeff, you don't ever want to get married? No, thanks.

Wow, that's very happy for me. Don't you want to have married? No, thanks. Wow, that's very happy for children. No, thanks. Oh, no, you're making a big mistake. No, I love kids. No, he's not. If he doesn't want them, he's not making a big mistake. I love children, and I don't need my own two. Yeah, but you know him.

You're the only one that says this. Everybody I talk to, not the only one, but you're by far the happiest daddy I know. No, and also, I love your bond with, just by the way you speak about your daughter is beautiful. However, this is, in my opinion, and this is the only time I'll be political in my life ever, I promise. People suggest, in my opinion, the big problem with human beings at all is they go,

let's say someone walks in and dressed all crazy. They'll go, oh, look at this bozo. I would never dress like that, so he shouldn't dress like that. Or a man would say, I would never make love to a man, so no one should make love to a man. I would never. And they think what's right for them, what they think is right for them is right for everyone. And in the same way, people go,

well, I'm married, and if he doesn't want to get married, what's wrong with him? Or I love my daughter, why shouldn't he? He should want kids. I don't mean it that way. I mean it in the way like this I love steak I meet someone who's never had a steak before I'm like

dude I know you don't understand you need to taste it because it's so delicious I feel you would like it too I'm not I'm saying that there are

I've been skydiving 20 times let's go skydiving well you might that's right that's right you might just not want to have you really been skydiving yes well I might not want to because I. Have you really been skydiving? Yes.

Well, I might not want to because I haven't experienced it, but you'll probably think if you did experience, almost everyone will like it unless they have some problem. What I'm saying is that there's parts of the human psychology

which lay dormant, especially in women probably, but in men too, which get activated when you have a child and bring things out and experiences and feelings that you didn't even know were within you. Acid.

You just described acid. Maybe. And yet everyone would scoff at the idea of testing acid. Listen, I'm not judging you for not wanting to have children. None of that. What I'm saying is that you don't, I think that people who say that don't know what they're missing. And an overwhelming majority, not all, an overwhelming majority of them,

if they did have children, would say, oh, my God, I can't believe I ever didn't want to do this. From everything I've read, from everything I've read. That's false. That is false. The fact is people are no happier with children. What they do experience is sort of a. They don't regret the children. Well, no, they don't regret it, but they think they're happier sometimes,

but they aren't. Also, deadbeat dads, they tried it, and then they go, God, this is such a huge commitment, and I'm not very good at this. Now I'm going to be not only ridiculed for the rest of my life, but I'm going to live with this guilt that I created this thing that it wasn't qualified.

And then that kid gets messed up. And then that kid's mad at him. A lot of defensive garbage. There's a lot of people listening about. I am one of the happiest dudes I've ever known. And I don't subscribe to anyone's rules of like any stupid medicine. Well, and also you can change your mind. Like you never know.

You're 33 now. And in 10 years, you might be a different person. Thankfully, you're not a woman, so you don't have a clock ticking. So you could change your mind. You know, that's what you believe right now. And you could change your mind. There's also lots of ways for women to get kids. They shouldn't subscribe to that clock either. They can adopt

or they can kidnap. You're not a girl, so you can't really understand that there is a desire in some women I mean, not me. I'm not itching to be a mom right away. I do want to have kids someday, but not right this second. But women feel like they want to have their own. They want to biologically have

their own. There are some women that are really driven by that. So they do feel the clock ticking. Men too. I want to have my own. But they want to biologically have their own. There are some women that are really driven by that. So they do feel the clock ticking. You know, yeah. So, but they want to deliver it. You know, they want to deliver it themselves. They want to deliver it naturally, all that kind of stuff. So they feel that. So yeah, there are other options, but for some women, it doesn't feel the same to them.

Listen, I know, I agree with you. And I know, I know some deadbeat dads, but for the most part, they're psychologically damaged in some way. And most of them, I know they didn't have good relationships with their fathers. I don't know anything about you, whatever it is.

But I don't get that from you that you would be the kind of guy who would be a deadbeat dad. Yeah, it does seem... I think I'd make a great dad if I wanted to be one. I certainly don't know Jeff very well, but it does seem like he'd be the kind of guy

that would love to have kids. I love kids. I was surprised. Some of my nieces and nephews, I love them. You're just young. Don't just need the pressure. He's not that young. I mean, he's young. How old are you, Jeff?

33? Dan will have your children, is what he's saying. Yeah, if this was scientifically possible. If God allowed it the way I believe. You believe men should have kids? I'm just kidding. I was going to say, wow, okay, that's a different one. I wish, so I could say we are equal women. Because it turns out we're not equal. Because I can't make a baby. Right, that's a different one. I wish. So I could say we are equal women because it turns out we're not equal because I can't make a baby.

Right, that's true. Which is very frustrating. Do you keep that beard at that exact level? No. I left my trimmer actually at home. Because the other day I saw you with the same level of beard. What I do is I go all the way down to nothing and then I let it grow and then I go all the way down to nothing and then I let it grow. It's not like my wife.

He's like that George Michael. It's like I'm dating myself here, but it's George Michael, you know. I look like Wham. Wham, yeah. One earring shy of Wham. Can we, I hope my wife's not listening.

Oh, God. Can we finish now? Did I talk about sometimes when I go to the bathroom? Yeah, the wipe thing. Yeah, we covered it. See a doctor, get a colonic.

Well, I guess we can finish. Why not? How about just wipe your ass more effectively? No, no, I wipe and wipe. There's nothing, you understand, there's nothing there. Oh, now you've made a man. Oh, maybe guess we can finish. Why not? How about you just wipe your ass more effectively? No, no. I wipe and wipe. There's nothing. You understand? There's nothing there.

Oh, now you've made a man. Maybe now you've irritated it. Then I come back an hour later. I come to the cellar. Maybe she's right. I got swamp ass. Maybe it's the cellar, dude. Might be the cellar.

Oh, my God. It's disgusting. Thank you for having me on this. I love you guys. Yeah, thank you so much. Yeah, you guys, this was a great show. It was fantastic. Well, we'd love to have you come back in to talk about colonics and...

I think we covered it. Okay. Also, see Jeff Dye. He's got an upcoming... Can I talk about you have an upcoming... Yeah, two shows coming up. He's got two shows coming up, you know, on some TV or whatever. One's a game show on Spike, and the other one is a travel show with four old men,

William Shatner, George Foreman, Terry Bradshaw, and Henry Winkler. Oh, that's awesome. I tell you, I try not to be jealous because did not Jesus say something about that? Probably. One of the seven deadly sins. But he's young, he's handsome, he's making money. I mean, this kid, man, the life he's living. I'm happy.

Thank you. I mean, my God. I mean, unless he has some inner turmoil that we don't know, and I don't see that. Dan, I'm going to comfort you. I hope you receive this properly. I actually believe this and know it's true. If you had everything he had, you'd be just as miserable as you are now, so don't be jealous. Well, I want to tell you you're wrong.

No. I know you. Some people are happy when they're miserable. I don't want his looks. It is his nature That makes him miserable Happiness is a choice I would like his youth

And his career I don't want his looks Because half my act I have to throw it away I can't do that act With those looks None of those jokes Would work

But other than that I'll take what he's got But I'm happy That you're a worthy person To have all those things That means a lot Thank Thank you very much. Jeffrey, boy, what's wrong with me tonight, Sam? I usually don't, I'm not usually that positive.

But anyway. You're a nice man. Kirsten, Kirsten, Kirsten, Kirsten. At the end of the day, I am a nice guy. You are. At the end of the day. I've never had a bad interaction with you in my life. But I'm very real.

I'm very real. And itchy. And I'm not an ass kiss. Yeah. Not an ass wipe either. No. Or an ass kiss. Yeah. Not an ass wipe either. No. Or an ass kiss. Oh, God.

All right. And Kirsten, do you want to promote anything that you do? Do you have a Twitter? Yeah, yeah. I'm on Twitter at Kirsten Haglund.

Instagram the same. What TV shows are you on? And I do a lot of Fox and Fox Business. Oh, boy. Roger Ailes come on to you at all? No. Be honest.

Did you meet him? Yes. What's wrong with you? I don't know. I guess I'm not hot enough. I guess I'm not a 10. That's just not about you, boy. Roger Ailes come on to you at all? No. Be honest. Did you meet him? Yes. What's wrong with you? I don't know. I guess I'm not hot enough. I guess I'm not a 10. That's not just not about your body. I guess I'm not a 10.

Not everybody likes. He finds your personality gross. You know Julie Banderas? You know Julie Banderas? I've been out with her before. Not well. She has one. We're friends.

Really? Our families are friends. Yeah, yeah. No, mostly Fox and Fox business. But I also have a foundation. We raise money for eating disorder treatment. That's a big part of what I do. Speak to women, girls. Did you ever have an eating disorder? Yes, yeah. I was severely anorexic have a foundation. We raise money for eating disorder treatment. That's a big part of what I do. Speak to women, girls.

Did you ever have an eating disorder? Yes, yeah. I was severely anorexic as a teenager. Oh, wow. Yeah. What did you think about the Miss Universe at Trump? I wrote about it in the New York Daily News. I had an op-ed about it, how furious I was.

I was very upset. Furious about what Trump said? Yes, and his treatment of her. Are you furious that he was upset that she gained weight during her reign as Miss Universe? Yes, and the fact... Isn't that part of being Miss Universe, to keep your appearance? That's what people think. I'm asking you.

You mean that there's something in your contract or whatever. I don't know what was in her contract. There was nothing in my contract about keeping up your appearance. But here's the thing. Back to the beauty is subjectivity thing. A lot of men think that these girls are too thin, and so for her to gain six to seven pounds, which she did. Right.

Right. So for her to gain six or seven pounds is not that big of a deal. Six or seven? She gained like. No, she didn't, though. That's when you hear her story. I read. I like skinny women.

I read that she got kind of a skinny dude. No, she was not fat in any way, shape, or form. Six or seven pounds? Yes. And women, yes. That's what she said. That is her story from her lips. Donald Trump, she said she gained 60 to 70.

Yeah, but they showed pictures of her when she gained. I know, but she's not fat. She's not fat in any way, shape, or form. And he publicly fat shamed her. He took the camera crew to the gym. Well, she's not fat. He couldn't have fat shamed her. Right, the camera crew to the gym. Well, she's not fat. He couldn't have fat shamed her. You know what I'm saying.

You know, took the camera crews to watch her work out and broadcast it and all this stuff. She was 19 years old. She was a teenager. It's just ridiculous. Frankly, it's very, very sad. And it normalizes a kind of behavior. And yes, that was in the 90s, fine. But he defended it. And he brought

it up again. It was mean. It was beyond mean. It was reinforcing a culture that's similar to, you know, reinforcing the rape culture, okay? It's reinforcing a culture that defines women based on their weight and their ability to do their job based on how much weight they gain.

This is, by the way, to bring everything full circle. But the job of Miss Universe, as is Miss America. Now, Miss America's a lot more about being a spokesperson To bring everything full circle. But the job of Miss Universe, as is Miss America. Now, Miss America is a lot more about being a spokesperson and speaking and all that. But still, that job throughout your year is not just standing and waving and looking pretty. You're a spokesperson. You're an activist. You do tons of things which require brain power.

They're not just about whether or not you gain 10 pounds. Can I just say how hard it was to not make a really easy joke the entire time? Go ahead. As a comedian, I thought of a thousand things that I don't even agree with that would have misrepresented me. But I didn't because I was like, well, no, that's not what this is.

Isn't that a terrible part of being a comedian? Yeah, because I don't believe. They're just jokes. They're supposed to be fun. But in my mind, I was like, but I was like, no, I don't even agree with that. Sorry, I'm going to bite my tongue. I see a certain degree of chemistry between our two guests. I know that Kristen is married. That's what I'm saying.

Kirsten. All you care about is marriage. Wait, wait, wait, wait. My foundation that helps eating disorders, KristenHaglundFoundation.org. Go there. We love you. Dan Natterman.. Dan Natterman.

Well, I... At Dan Natterman. I know you can... Well, whatever. Forget it. You know, I would just say, I'm at Fillet and Helium, but whatever, you know.

I'm sure the club owners would be really happy with that promotion, Dan. Helium Club, great club. Helium in Philadelphia. That's how it's done. He, don't you understand? He's got...

He's full of the joy of living. Yeah. But you have to try to sell tickets, Dan, so they book you again. I'm tired. Kristen. I'm tired. No, at Kristen Montel. Come on, say something.

Kristen Montel. How do I know how to find you on the internet? Good night, everybody. Bye.