The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Jeff Ross

Episode Date: January 7, 2016

Jeff Ross

Okay, good evening everybody. Welcome to the Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius Channel 99. We're here with Kristen Montella and Dan Natterman and Joe Mandy's here with us. And we're expecting Mr. Jeff Ross. And before I turn it over to Dan, we have to think, do you know what to ask Jeff Ross about? Well, wing it, baby. Okay, because Jeff Ross is no ordinary guest. He's the roast master. Well, that he is. Yeah,, because Jeff Ross is no ordinary guest. He's the roast master. Well, that he is. Yeah, so I assume we'll talk about roasting.

But we only have Joe for a few minutes because he has to... You said you had to clear out of here after you go on stage. Yeah, I got another set. Well, give him a good intro, Dan, and then... This is Joe Mandy, everybody. Hi. Great. And his name is reminiscent of the song Mandy, because it's like, Joe Mandy.

Exactly. Yeah. But he's heard that before, but it never gets old. No, it doesn't. I love it. Go ahead, Dan. Sorry.

Joe is a writer for... I just got a text from Jeff. He's en route. Go ahead. Joe is a writer for something. Parks and Rec. Oh, he was Parks and Rec. Are you the genius behind

the success of Aziz Ansari? I'm one of the geniuses, yeah. The new show, yeah. Now, I have to confess, I've never seen that esteemed program, but I know that it is beloved and considered to be a cut above the typical dreck, as my grandmother said. It's crazy. The feedback's been insane.

We keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because it's only been positive reviews so far that I've seen. I had to go out of my way because that's my personality. I was Googling hard to find one negative review of the show. People love that show. It's actually good because I haven't seen it.

Aziz's character, is it really Aziz? No. Or is it something you made up? character, is it really Aziz? No. Or is it something you made up? Well, it's like a guy kind of based on Rob Hubel in the mid-2000s, where Rob Hubel is a comedic actor, but at the time he was making a lot of money just being in commercials.

He was like the inconsiderate cell phone man and stuff. Oh, I know that guy. Yeah, he's like a commercial actor who's made good money, but that's all he's known for. So his character is just a guy who's been in the Go-Gurt commercial and he's trying to become a real actor. Did you have anything to do with the casting of that show? No, not really.

Did you know Dan at the time that you were on? Dan who? Dan Natterman. Is there a part on that show for Dan Natterman? I mean, that's like Cap texting Aziz, like, where's Natterman at? He's in New York. Noam does this every week, and it annoys me every week. Well, you know what?

It'll annoy you right to the bank if one of these people. Listen, first of all, let me tell you something. Judd Apatow wrote a little thing for Dan Natterman. No, he didn't write it for Dan Natterman. He wrote a part, and he called me up and said, he didn't call me up, but his person called me up. He didn't write it for Dan Natterman. He wrote a part and called me up. I didn't call me up but his person called me up He didn't write it for Dan Natterman He wrote a part and called me up

I don't think he wrote it with me in mind I think he wrote it and then afterwards Who do we get? Oh Dan Natterman maybe Alright shut up Dan And why do you think that he did that? Because when I had him in this seat I said Judd isn't there a part in one of your things for Dan Natterman? So now he's doing it

Well I already did it it taped on I know but you're not complaining about that. So now I'm trying to hook you up with Parks and Recreation. I'm just a co-producer, so I'm too low on the totem pole to have it. I don't know for sure that that's why Judd put me in it, but it might have been. And if so, I thank you. It's not life-changing, but, well, it's not. Oh, God.

And, you know. Yet. All right, so let me ask you this. How do you become a writer on a situation comedy? What were you doing prior? I was here in New York doing stand-up, and they saw my stand-up, and I had been writing a little bit

for a sketch comedy show on Comedy Central. Which one? Kroll Show. I don't know that show. Kroll Show? Nick Kroll. That's a good show. Nick Kroll.

I know Nick Kroll. Nick Kroll, you know his father is like a billionaire. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. There's a whole... You sound Kroll. I know Nick Kroll. Nick Kroll, you know, his father is like a billionaire or something. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. There's a whole. You sound like Aziz. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. I mean, that was Aziz-esque.

Yeah, there is a little Aziz quality to you. I could see that, yeah. He's mellow. What nationality are you? I don't know. I think. Are you adopted? No, I just like, it's unclear what my mom's.

You don't know who your dad is? I'm mostly Russian Jew, but there's other stuff in there. No, I was like, I knew I liked it. Anything not Jew in you? Yeah, my mom is essentially white trash. That's her genetic makeup. Like my daughter. She converted to Judaism. Oh, she did.

And me, I look Hispanic. I know, I get that a lot. When I'm in New York, people assume I'm Puerto Rican. When I'm in L.A., people think I'm Armenian. Maybe that's why Kristen finds you attractive. No, I don't think he's... He doesn't look Puerto Rican to me. Oh, I think... You don't find him attractive.

No, she was going to say that. She married a Puerto Rican guy. Well, no, I married a hybrid, a mixed Puerto Rican something. Dan's right. Like, certain things trump other things. It's like Obama's black, right? Definitely. Obama's black and your husband's Puerto Rican. Oh, I see. That's just the way it goes, Kristen.

Yeah. I don't want to say your grandmother's right, but your grandmother's right. Wait, so Parks and Rec's not still on the air, is it? No, it is no longer on the air. So what are you writing for now? I wrote for Aziz's show and right now I'm just chilling doing this. His Netflix show? Yeah. Talk about good reviews. That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, were we talking about Parks and Rec? I was talking about Parks and Rec. Generally, I don't listen to reviews. I have to see for myself. But yes, the reviews have been very positive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard his dad is getting... His dad should win an Emmy.

His dad's the best actor on the show. It's crazy. Well, this just shows you what bullshit acting is. Totally. If Aziz's dad can do it. How do you know he's not talented, Dan? Yeah, but does he have any training? Zero training.

But what does that have to do with anything? Anything that's that hard, you need a little bit of training. What training did Paul McCartney have? Great actor. Some people say natural talent. Natural talent is the Puerto Rican of acting. It just trumps any kind of training. Well, McCartney was in a band for several years,

grinding it out in Hamburg with the band. But he wasn't terrible when he started in the band. I think he wrote When I'm 64 when he was like 15. I mean, I'm not saying Aziz's father is the Paul McCartney of acting. I'm just saying that. And I'll tell you who, our very own Estee Adderham, who's the person that, for those that don't know, that books the comedy cellar, chooses the comedians, had a role in Judge Pilot, did very, very well indeed. I heard she killed. Did very, very well indeed. I heard she killed.

Did very, very well indeed. She played a heckler. She stole the scene in Trainwreck with her one little thing. Esty is a character. Esty should get more work. And God bless Judd for hiring Esty. And now, so what else? And Dan.

And Dan, yeah. So, Joe, where are you going at? No one doesn't like to hear that you're working at other clubs. I only want to talk about the refugees. That's my problem. I only want to talk about the refugees. We'll get to the refugees, but we'll try to relate it to comedy. And Donald Trump.

We'll try to relate the refugees to comedy. I went to Trump Tower today. I saw him there. I noticed you must not be a Muslim because I don't see any armband on you with an M on it. No, no, no, no. You saw him today? I saw him today. I saw his backside, yeah.

Oh. You saw his... The back of him, saw his backside, yeah. You saw his... The back of him, not his ass. What was he like? He was giving an interview to Fox News, and there was Secret Service everywhere in the lobby. It was crazy. So where's your spot?

You said you're performing after you're performing? A bar in the Lower East Side called Cake Shop. This is a good point of reference to explain to people listening to this show. Comedians are desperate. Hold on a second. I'm going to make a prediction. No one's going to say something that is absolutely false.

Go ahead. Comedians are desperate for stage time. And even the most successful of them, someone who is a two hit show credits to him working at the Comedy Cellar. Sometimes they'll travel to another borough for a seven minute unpaid spot during the week. Well, I'm compensating because I can't do multiple sets in Los Angeles. So when I'm

in New York, I'll do like four or five shows just to do it because I miss it. But nevertheless, it is just, to people who are not comedians, I think you made a general statement that applies to some but not all. Just shut up, Dan.

In general, it's amazing to us how comedians value the time on the stage. It's quite different than other art forms. We talked about this before. Musicians, you want to practice your music, you sit in your room and you practice. You don't go play for free. I mean, I guess you might, but in general, that's your last priority.

You can't really practice stand-up unless you're on stage. You can't stand in a mirror. That's right. Even Seinfeld has to come here when he needs an audience. Okay, Dan. Now, what did I say? Well, I think you overstated the case when you said we're desperate for stage time. Well, he picked the wrong word.

But you're quite right that we can't do it at home alone. Well, I stand by the D word because... No, but desperate sounds negative. It's not negative. It's that it really improves your craft to get out there and do as many stages as possible. Yearning? Are they yearning for stage time? Hungry.

Hungry. I'll take hungry. Okay. Well'll take hungry. Okay. Well, thirsty. Anyway, so this cake shop, it sounds like

what we call, what has been called in a term that has been the object of some controversy, alternative comedy, I suppose that would be. Yeah.

That's a term that has been used and been debated. Well, it's a venue that also has music, right? Yeah, it's like a rock. It's like a grungy rock club. They do comedy there sometimes.

What is alternative comedy? I don't really know. I mean, that's sort of the world I started in, but it's still stand-up. I think there's more freedom to act, to go beyond just stand, you know, set up. How much is to do with beards? There's a lot of beards.

I mean, I think that's the alternative of shaving, yeah. A lot of those comics seem to have beards and or they look like Joe Mandy. Right, yeah, a lot of us. Who straddles the two universes of non-alternative and alternative comedy? I'll just say, like, when I started, the club I performed at, it was, you know, myself, Nick Kroll, John Mulaney,

Aziz, Chelsea Peretti. You were around occasionally. What was this? Rafifi. You performed there. No, I never did. I maybe did once. Yeah, I think I did Upstairs.

Was it called Upstairs? These alternative shows always have names. Like, here's a comedy seller, you come, it's a comedy seller. Right, every show has a different name. These other clubs, these shows have different names. Like, it'll a comedy seller, you come, it's a comedy seller. Right, every show has a different name. These other shows have different names. Like, it'll be like Upstairs at Eric's. Right, yeah.

That was actually Yaz's album in 1980-something. But that sounds like it could be the name of it. Totally, yeah. But it was like Upstairs at something, I think. There's like the, yeah. Or Count Me Out. It's just like meaningless phrases. So go through that list again.

Mulaney, Kroll, Aziz so what was Aziz like when you first saw him same he had shaggy hair though did you think immediately this guy's gonna be selling out the garden I didn't necessarily think

he was gonna sell out the garden but he was very funny and I knew he was on to you thought he was destined destined for greatness? Yeah, yeah. You can't predict that shit, Norm, come on. Well, that's what I was asking.

I mean, people always say after the fact, yeah, well, you know, I mean, obviously. But generally speaking, you never predict it ahead of time. With maybe some rare exception. I have said before that as opposed to some other art forms again, like

comedians turn out to be geniuses only after you're looking back at them, they're famous in retrospect. Like when you heard, if you heard Stevie Wonder singing in a coffee shop before anybody, you'd say, holy shit, that guy's a genius. But it wasn't apparent to us

that some of the people who hit it we knew they were funny but nobody called them geniuses at the time the only person I've ever heard called a genius before he hit it huge was Attell for whatever reason people recognized Attell even before the rest of the world did but for the rest of the people who hit it big and are now considered geniuses, it's very much in retrospect. I don't know how to explain that. I'm not saying they're not geniuses. You explain that by saying

that it's all hooey. Well, that's one possible explanation. Or greatly hooey. That people are called geniuses because they've accomplished great things and that if I hit it big tomorrow, all of a sudden everybody would say, oh, that Dan Ativan, wow, he's a genius.

But I'm no funnier than I was before anybody ever heard of him. That's right. Well, I don't know. Can you be a genius at stand-up comedy, Dan? Well, that's another question. I do think a tell, as much as one can be a genius at stand-up, I think a tell's maxed it out. Who was your, My girl called me.

She said, come on over. There's no one home. I went over. There was no one home. That's Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney Dangerfield. Is that genius? No.

It's really funny, though. It's funny. And his character is tremendous. Well, if it's not genius, then... I just got that. Then maybe genius is not the funniest thing to be. I think there's some... Like like if you listen to Chappelle sometimes when he comes down and he just goes on stage.

I mean, I think when comics make connections that are like three degrees of separation or that, I mean, that's a kind of genius. Like you wouldn't, you know. Who does that? Chappelle does that. Chappelle does that. But what does our guest Joe Mandy think of that question?

I think people are often called geniuses after they die and people realize their body of work. It's very seldom. I mean, like, people refer to Louis as a genius. I mean, it's very seldom someone who's alive is called a genius. Yeah. And people are, like, sincere. But do you think stand-up comedy is...

Lends itself to... Lends itself. Or do you think... I mean, I remember being a kid... You look at Crimes and Misdemeanor. You look at Zellick, which I think is Woody Allen's most magnificent

oeuvre. And you ask... His what? I don't know. Oeuvre. Work, you know. Oh, that's what I mean? Okay.

And can a stand-up comic be that brilliant? Did you see Zellick? Yeah, I loved Zellick. Okay. Or Broadway Danny Rose. Can a stand-up comic be that brilliant just doing jokes? Is the canvasellig? Yeah, I love Zellig. Okay. Or Broadway Danny Rose. Can a stand-up comic be that brilliant just doing jokes?

Is the canvas broad enough? Yeah. In your estimation. Here's Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross probably wants to chime in on this. Dan, you want to recapitulate the... I'll recapitulate. I got to go, man.

All right. Thank you, Jomaine. Thank you for sitting in. And we wish you good luck and good luck at the cake factory or whatever it is. I don't wish him good luck at the cake factory. The cake shop. Any place but the cellar I hope people don't go. Yeah, but that's a Brooklyn alternative.

We've got nothing to do with you. That's, you know, that's what Al Pacino thought about Benny Blanco in Carlito's Way. Nice grab. Thank you so much. Look, I'll be honest. I am not a political comedian, really. But I do watch a lot of news on television. And I've noticed lately that President Obama looks very sad.

You know? He looks depressed. I feel like every morning when Obama wakes up, he goes to his bathroom mirror and says to himself, you know, no matter what I do, no matter what I try to accomplish, Will Smith's just going to play me in my stupid movies. So what's the point? I don't know if you can tell from my glasses, but I am a Jewish person. Thank you. Yeah, clap.

You know, being Jewish, it's like anything. It has its pros and cons. It's not all glamour. Like, it does. It has its benefits. Like, for example, I'm gonna win an Emmy at some point. I'm gonna win an Emmy, and that's fine. I'm fine with that.

But the downside is, I'm never gonna dunk a basketball. Or feel comfortable in a convertible ever Or know what heaven feels like It's okay, don't worry about it. It doesn't exist so seriously This is sort of the worst time of year for Jews. Oh, happy Hanukkah, by the way. It's a nice first night of Hanukkah. But the holiday season is rough for Jews.

Because Hanukkah, I don't know if you know this, but Hanukkah by itself is a very minor holiday. Totally lame. And that's exacerbated by the fact that everyone tries to put it on equal footing with Christmas. And that's a fair comparison. No, Christmas wins, hands down. A much better holiday. Do you guys know the story of Hanukkah silence okay Hanukkah is a holiday where we remember the Maccabees and the Maccabees

were these Jews thousands of years ago who got locked inside the temple and downtown Jerusalem or whatever couldn't get. So they were forced to ration lamp oil for a week. The end. That's it. That's it. That's Hanukkah. Yeah. So really, you want to compare that to Christmas?

Wait, what's Christmas again? Oh, that's right. God's birthday party. It's a birthday party for Jesus. Are you kidding, that's right. God's birthday party. It's a birthday party for Jesus. Are you kidding? That's amazing. That's like going to Oprah's birthday party. Think about it. It's the same principle. Everyone gets presents

just for showing up. You're like, oh my God, thank you. You're so nice. Yeah, I'll read whatever books you tell me to. Welcome Jeff Ross making his debut on our program, on our humble radio show slash podcast noam i think posed it initially and i jumped in stand-up comedy uh does it lend itself to genius in the same way for example that music or cinema does and we were talking about woody allen zellig

we're talking about broadway danny rose crimes and Misdemeanors. Can you be that brilliant just doing stand-up as Woody Allen was in writing and directing those movies? Is the canvas rich enough? Absolutely. I think a lot of it

has to do with the times. Sometimes the comedian fits the times. Essentially, that's a hit. A masterpiece is, you know, they needed the Sistine Chapel painted. They had the right guy at the right time. So, is, you know, they needed the Sistine Chapel painted.

They had the right guy at the right time. So, yeah, I think it's true. And sometimes it's inevitable. Guys like George Carlin say that all the things, the disappointments in his life led to him just becoming the best comedian because other stuff didn't work out. He just kept going back to the stage. So, yeah, I think it's possible. Well, all right. I don't think it's possible. Well, alright. Dan, I don't think

that's such a serious answer. I sat down for a wing and he asked me about genius. Well, we would have to be in the middle of that conversation. What was the question again, Dan? No, I'm saying like... Jeez.

Is the palette broad enough? It's a valid question. It's a valid question. To me, when I see crimes and misdemeanors, when I see Zellig, or to take another me, when I see crimes and misdemeanors, when I see Zellig, or to take another example, when I see Django,

which is one of my favorite films in recent times, it just seems like that's exhibiting greater genius than a stand-up set ever could. Well, you know, I don't know. I mean, I have trouble recognizing genius in stand-up comedy. Like, I can read a book and say, holy shit, all these characters and the way they come together. Or even sometimes I see an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. And the way he pulls it all together at the end with all the strands.

And I'm tempted to think, that's brilliance, you know? That's formula. It's formula? Well, to me it looks like...iance, you know? That's formula. It's formula? Well, to me, it looks like... It's brilliant, but it's not... There's a certain formula to television, all television. Part of what I tend to call genius, and it's an overused word, is something that I see somebody do, and I say,

I could never get close to that. I could just never, like, I cannot imagine coming up with the stuff that Larry David does. And the problem with comedy is that everybody comes up with a good one from time to time, you know what I mean? Like, I can sit at the table with the

comedians from time to time, I will say the funny thing, it happens. So then it's hard to view them as geniuses when maybe they're as opposed to just higher batting averages. It's a tough thing. Maybe it's a more rudimentary art form. It's a

little more pedestrian. People can kind of step into it. We're making film. Maybe now in the digital, when I went to film school, film was very difficult to even shoot a short. Now you shoot it on your iPhone. There's apps. There's iMovie on everyone's computer.

It's much more commonplace. Much more accessible. And by the way, right before I said it, I said there's one comic who I always remember being identified as a genius even before he became well-known. Who do you think that was? Sherrod Small. You're a genius. I'm a genius even before he became well-known? Who do you think that was? Sherrod Small. You're a genius.

I'm a genius. I could have never known. Paul McCure. No, it was David Tell. David Tell. Agreed. Right? My comedy partner.

And David Tell actually kind of fits that description, I'm saying, because when you watch David Tell, you do kind of say to yourself, where does that come from? I can think of something funny to say. I can never think of a Tell's things, you know? It's crazy. But a Tell reads everything. He's always reading, and I think he just stays with the things he reads,

and they're just at the tip of his brain all the time. And he's amazing. His comedy is always new and always relevant. Even when he does like, you tell me what you're drinking I'll tell you how the night ends or whatever. And they're not stock lines. He won't let me set him up for stock lines.

When we go on together at the end of the night here at the cellar, he won't even I'll give him a layup. How was your Thanksgiving? And I know he's got the Thanksgiving joke. He'll just go, come on, Jeff, and he'll go into the cellar. Well, I guess not all the listeners know what you guys do here sometimes at the Cellar. I mean, so you guys go up together on the stage at the same time.

Yeah, it started one at a time where he'd have a late spot, and he would just bring me up. And we essentially go on and perform as a team. We set each other up and we talk to each other and we riff and we bring up people from the audience and roast them and pay tribute to them. It's a lot of fun and he ups my game. He's so fast, never lets me win. He's amazing.

That I will say, like his reaction time is, I've never seen anything like it. He doesn't miss a beat. Part of it is the fact that he goes to bed at, like, 9 in the morning. So when I'm up there with him, it's like lunchtime for him. And I'm exhausted. He's refreshed. Yeah. He hasn't even eaten dinner yet.

So he's an anomaly. He's different. He's very, very different. If you ever get a chance to see David Tell live, I highly recommend it. Well, I think as a corollary, the best place to see him live, and I'm not just saying that because I'm sitting here, would probably be this place, the Comedy Cellar. I remember Jeff Ross.

I'm right here. What year did you start? Did I pass away? I come here to praise him. That's like a eulogy. What year did you start? Did I pass away? I come here to praise him. That's like a eulogy. What year did you start? Oh, boy. That's a great question.

It's got to be mid-'90s. In the mid-'90s. And you were one of the guys who was always funny. You didn't have a long time where you went up and ate it, right? You did well pretty much from the beginning. Relatively speaking, I was able to survive tread water for half an hour and get through anything. Right. We all

know people who have been doing it for four or five years and still can't buy a laugh. I don't know why they keep doing it. So Jeff Ross was always funny. Thank you. But then I remember, and he used to do the poems, but then, and he's open for my band in the Y. Of course. That was always fun because I loved being the only comedian on a show.

That was always something I loved. It's what stood out from the other comedians. So opening for the WA band was good practice for later on, bringing out big bands and hosting stuff. And to work in slightly tougher rooms. But people either loved that or hated it, that gig. The comedians. Some people loved it because of that exact reason.

I don't want to digress, but I will tell you this. Yeah, I don't like it. Well, I don't know how the wah is now, but back in the old days, the Saturday night set in the wah was the best gauntlet, the best test I can think of separating the comedians who were truly funny from the ones who weren't. The really funny comedians, the Jon Stewart's, the Ray Romano's, the Jeff Rose's,

they always did well in the war no matter what. And people who were mere mortals, they would always struggle in the war. But if it had a certain critical mass of funniness, it would win the audience. It's a certain Darwinism in that it's not that we were funny or not. If you killed at the Y, it meant that you were going to kill

everywhere. It meant that you had a plan B or C, or you could change your energy or work the crowd. It meant that you're a survivor. And all those guys had that. In other words, they could do anything. And also, it seemed to indicate a little bit broader,

more universal appeal because... Tourists. Yeah, well, tourists and just people who would just be watching TV. They weren't comedy fans. And, you know, so it's like jazz fans. When you're performing for an audience that doesn't even know there's going to be a comedy show, that's the hardest challenge. They knew, but...

I don't think they know. I've done it recently. No, I don't know. And I don't think the audience knows. They knew, but... I don't think they know. I've done it recently. And I don't think the audience knows. They know when they get there, and the MC says, but before we bring on the band, how about a little comedy? So I don't believe the audience knows. If they're regulars, then I mean, a lot of those people came back. It helped me a lot that they had musicians behind me. That was

another thing that was huge training for me, was being able to have the pianos or a rim shot or open my act up to the music a little bit. I was just learning with the poems. I would have your, you know, one of the guys on piano back me up or a guitar. And I didn't, I'm not a musically inclined guy. And that evolved into a big part of my act. So I wrote a love poem and I was hoping to get a volunteer from the audience.

Somebody, you don't have to be good good but just somebody you can play a few chords some background music some romantic. Come up here doll I see I see you come up here baby. Have a seat here at the piano. Sherry who you here with tonight? My boyfriend. Well you can go back to your seat thanks for coming up. I'm only teasing. What do you do for a living? I'm a musician. You're a musician? Yeah.

This might work out really well. It could. I love your earrings. Thank you. I wish I kept everything I made in the summer camp. Thanks. You're a good sport. You're a very good sport. Thank you.

All right, we'll try this. You want to try this? It's a love poem. What do you want to hear? I want to hear good. You've got to tell me when you give me your name. I understand how it works. What?

I asked for that one, didn't I? It's a love poem. You ready? Do you have a high voice or a low voice? Do you care? You don't care. I just want you to be quiet and play piano. There's a love poem. What's your name? Sherry. Dedicated to you, Sherry.

This poem's called Can I Please Put My Balls In Your Mouth? Roses are red, my balls are blue, Can I please put them in? Not one, but two. I don't want to have sex or unbutton your blouse but I really, really, really, really, really want to put my balls in your mouth. What's it?

I guess I'll take that as a yes. Give Sherry a round of applause, everybody. It enables you to do an hour, an hour and a half, when you can incorporate music and so on. And I learned that at those WASH shows. Plus, they paid a little better than the comedy. So to be honest with you, I don't anymore. No, they don't anymore.

In the old days, I would do it from time to time. And now John Mayer does it from time to time. Anyway, you trade it up. But anyway, so then, so I remember Jeff being funny, and I can't tell you how many times an old person has died, and I say, I say, Tramble at a Who concert?

When Estee called me, Estee's mother was like, Estee says, my mother died last night, and I said, Tr trampled at a Who concert. I know she must have laughed. I used to have a joke where I say, my aunt died. I called my cousin. He said, how'd she, she was 104.

He said, how'd she die? I said, she was trampled at a Who concert. Antique. Antique. But anyway, so what I really want to get to, but when I first really, just in my recollection, felt that Jeff Ross was kind of both something special and kind of a strategist in a way,

and we never spoke about this, is when I heard that you were frequenting the Friars Club and had become close with Buddy Hackett. Tell us about that. You know, my parents used to listen to the, watch the Tonight Show. Yeah. So I wasn't allowed to stay up, but I could sit at the top of the stairs where they couldn't see me and I would hear Buddy Hackett's voice and Don Rickles' voice and I got their rhythms

and I heard my parents laughing and my parents didn't live much longer than that, actually. So it was a very vivid memory for me. And when I got a chance to go to the Friars Club, which is a private showbiz living, breathing museum and showroom and dining room and a gym and a steam room for comedians and artists, it was like, wow, here's a chance to hang with these people. My parents would have loved it.

It's a way to sort of connect with another generation of comedians that weren't kind of corny to a lot of people. Not to you. No. Well, I recognize that it was old fashioned, but I love that. I was told that I was old fashioned. Even when I was in college, my buddy said, you're like an old man. You're like, you know, I was always complaining about my back hurt, whatever.

And I also bonded with the fact that, you know, comedians were on the road. Dan knows you're by yourself. You come home, you're empty apart. But it could get lonely. And the Friars Club was a place where there was five other guys just like that that you could complain with and eat a chicken salad sandwich. So who were the famous guys? Rick Simmons brought me in to play poker. Judy Gold was a member.

Elon Gold was a member. And one day I was going to play poker, and the elevator door opened on the second floor. I had my one good blazer on that I got when I did Letterman. And Buddy Hackett waddled on the elevator. Oh, my God, Mr. Hackett, I'm such a fan. You were my parents' favorite. If they saw this, this would be... He just shook my hand. He said,

you know who hates farts the most? Midgets. And the elevator door opened and he got off. And then I didn't see him again for months. I was roasting Steven Seagal. And that's where I finally met him for real and talked to him.

And he, like, heckled Milton Berle to get off my back during my first roast. And Buddy and I became, like, very, very dear friends. These were Friars Club roasts. Friars Club roasts, not televised. Yeah, people don't know. Friars Club has how many roasts a year? One year. Usually one a year.

One a year. And they're not ever televised or anything, right? They used to be. Occasionally they televised on ESPN, a roast from the Super Bowl for Terry Bradshaw this past January. So occasionally they do it, but not always. It's not why they do it. And they get great, top-level celebrities to be roasted. Friars roasts I've done.

Kelsey Grammer, Matt Lauer, Donald Trump. Quentin Tarantino, right? Tarantino. You're Trump's favorite comic, I was told. Somebody told me that. Really? I don't know. Didn't somebody tell me that?

That's faint praise. Wow. But you have a relationship with Donald Trump. I do. Oh, you do? Yeah, I've performed for him, and he's hired me, and I've traveled with him and stuff. You just gave Noah Mike the biggest boner ever.

I know. And actually, I remember your first Letterman spot. I remember the blazer, and you did a kick. Yeah. And you were kind of high energy on your first Letterman spot. I remember the blazer and you did a kick. And you were kind of high energy on your first Letterman spot. I did Letterman April 13th, 1995. Jesus Christ. And it was higher energy than we had kind of seen from you

on stage. I never performed. It was a huge spot. I did Letterman on a few hours, essentially one night's notice. And I had to fly in from L.A. I happened to be in L.A. for the first time. And as soon as I got there, they called and said,

there's a cancellation, do you want to do Letterman tomorrow? Oh, boy. I did two spots at two comedy clubs on the way to the airport, left my luggage at that little, what is it? It's Best Western across from the comedy store, just left it, got on a plane, Flew all night. Woke up. Did Letterman.

And they go, what do you want? You want a microphone? You know, like you do in a comedy club. A mic and a mic stand. And to your point, I said, no, I want to do it however David Letterman does it. So you put a lavalier mic on my. So I didn't think ahead. There's no run through or anything.

That what do I do with my hands when people clap? I got so many applause breaks. I'm used to having the mic and whatever. Suddenly, I didn't know what to do, so I started punching and kicking. Oh, is that what it was? You can probably find it on YouTube if you want to see it. It's not. I can't find it.

If anybody has it, post it. April 13th, 1995. I never knew that explanation. That makes perfect sense. It's like from time to time you see a musician who's used to playing guitar and they call him up to sing and he's always a little awkward. It is weird. It is a little weird to

not have the mic in your hand. It was freeing in a very interesting way for me. I became a more I don't know, animated, energetic. I was in the moment. So, Jeff, how did you get into the

roasts that made you kind of famous? Not that you're kind of famous. It's the roasts that were not the only thing that made you famous. You know, it's another interesting training period was downstairs here at the Cellar. I would get better and better spots, but in the beginning, you go on very late. And the bathrooms here are very unique in that

customers have to walk behind the first row across the room. And for whatever reason, late at night, I'd get bored with my act, and I would start picking people off as I went to the bathroom. And I got better and better at making fun of hats and scarves and the way people walk and different things. Nothing I ever thought about in my stand-up at other clubs or anywhere else. Other clubs, if I got heckled, it was like a common rapport with the audience.

You go back to your planned material. I should add, though, not only do the people in the audience when they go to the bathroom have to pass in front of the stage, the people that are sitting at the restaurant upstairs, for those of you who don't know, the comedy style, there's a restaurant upstairs. The comedy's downstairs.

There's only one bathroom in the place, and that's in the comedy club. So you could be eating a meal here at the Olive Tree Cafe. You have to go to the bathroom. You have to pass in front of a comedian. You just came here for a meal. It really is like... Can I add to that? The clientele in the Olive Tree, which is upstairs, is totally, it's like another universe than the comedy club.

It could be like old Israeli people and a gypsy guy doesn't speak any English. And that's just the comedians. Sometimes there's little kids that come through and you're in the middle of a filthy bit. Yeah, four gypsy kids walk through at one in the morning. You're like, how could you not make a joke? So that's literally how you started roasting? I believe it's when I awakened to it and realized that I could do that. I didn't call it roasting.

I was doing it as a survival technique. My bits were becoming tighter and shorter to accommodate the room that I was playing in the most. Where they fed me, where there were cute waitresses, where I could get on. I adapted to that room and to that environment. I wanted to do well, and that's how I could do well with my type of comedy. And eventually, I got asked to do a golf tournament.

Greg Fitzsimmons' dad, Bob Fitzsimmons, was a broadcaster here in New York, and they did a memorial golf tournament to him at the Friars Club every year. I didn't play golf. Greg asked me to do it as a favor, and I started making fun of the guys at this golf tournament. Freddie Roman and Stewie Stone in the audience, just fat cats who played golf and drank all day, and I threw a couple of jokes out in the middle of my act. Nothing happened. About a month or two later, Jean-Pierre Trebeau, the executive director of the Friars Club, called me up and said, we saw you at the golf tournament.

Would you like to do the Friars Club roast this year? And what? I couldn't understand. They wanted me to roast Steven Seagal. And I said, well, I don't know. Like, you couldn't look up on YouTube the roast the way you can now. I had to go to the Museum of Broadcasting and watch Dean Martin and his stuff to get a feel for what it even was.

And I saw the affection and I thought, I don't care about Steven Seagal, but who else is going to be there? Milton Berle, Penny Youngman, Buddy Haggin. I was like, oh, okay, this is interesting. Wow, okay. So I just started writing and writing and writing and writing. It was so exciting and that was writing. It was so exciting. And that was it. That was my Yankee Stadium. I walked out there and...

How is it now I'm not jumped more on the Donald Trump? Wait, wait, wait. And how did that coincide with the resuscitation of network TV or, you know... Great question. I was very adamant that this should not be a lost art form. Roasting at that time was like saying fencing. It was old-fashioned.

They couldn't get anyone to do the Friars roast. A lot of people, the cooler comics wouldn't do it. The guys in their prime said no because they had a,

you know, Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson did a blackface bit and it didn't go well and people protested and we got a lot of bad press so the following year they called a couple of new guys like me and I remember that and then the other ones didn't really do well but I came out it was like 2,000 people at the Hilton I said a lot of you don't know me I looked at Steven Seagal I, a lot of you don't know me. I looked at Steven Seagal. I said, a lot of you don't know me, but I feel uniquely qualified to be here today because I'm also a shitty actor. And Steven Seagal didn't really, but everyone else was laughing. And I thought, wow, this is a way to write jokes, special material.

I got bored of doing the same act like a stand-up every time. But to tell me on October 3rd, you have five minutes about this, that was a mission I could wake up and write. I love that. Can I just ask? So how did they wind up? So I got frustrated after doing a couple of these, and nobody saw them.

Right. Except these old rich guys. I was like, this is crazy. I'm too good at this. Old rich Jews, but go ahead. It was everyone. A lot of businessmen, politicians, Italian, the police commissioners would come,

boxers would come. It was a cool scene. And eventually, my buddies started coming and going, getting into it a little bit. They got curious. They'd read page six the next day and they'd see I'd had like five jokes quoted. They'd go, whoa, we're not getting this on the alternative comedy scene downtown.

That's right. And I said, this is the ultimate alternative comedy. This is flipping it upside down. I'm up there wearing a suit with Henny Youngman. I was 30. He was 90. So that came to Comedy Central's attention? I did that.

You did that. You did that. I called, after doing a couple of the Friars roasts, I became more involved in membership and young Friars issues, and that got me on the board of the Friars Club, and I was very into that.

And I called Drew Carey, who I had done some work for, writing work for. And what year is this? 96 or 97. Probably 97. And his manager, Rick Messina, and I also called Comedy Central, who

I had done some things for. Not a lot, but had a good relationship. Had like a small development deal and was trying out things, you know. And I called the Friars Club. And I put it I didn't know what a producer was then.

I just wanted to get on the show. So I gave it all away. I gave it all to the people at the Friars Club who were in charge then, or the bros, and I just let it all. It was like making a match, and I didn't really want anything other than a spot on the show. And I learned later that maybe I shouldn't have done it quite that. But I was a

good friar I wanted to be um a team player and in many ways it's been fabulous and they did a five-year deal they did like four friars club roasts on tv and eventually I had a falling out with people and I took I didn't do a couple and but I was always proud of it, and I slowly but surely, joke by joke, built up a reputation where I was able to go back a couple years later and become a producer on the show and so on. So you're responsible for, in large part, for the current rebirth and renaissance of roasts. I think so.

I believe it too, but we never really talked about it. That's quite an accomplishment. Yeah, I'm into it. And you know what's even greater, Noam, is I'm going to South Africa next week to do a roast. And they do them in India, original roasts. They do them in Mexico. I get invited. I get mail.

I get stopped. It's an international movement. They do roast battles all over the country that I'm going to be producing. That get stopped. It's an international movement. They do roast battles all over the country that I'm going to be producing. That's fantastic. They're doing... It's kind of unbelievable. What does that tell you about the shallowness of

calling things old-fashioned or not having the proper respect? I had this argument with Norton one time. He was disparaging Sinatra, I think it was. I'm like, dude, aren't you nervous from your perch in 2015 deciding that everybody that came before 1980 was second-rate talent?

He sends his old-fashioned whatever it is. And that's kind of, I thought, a shortcoming of him and the comedians were telling you that you were old-fashioned. Because actually they're just, in a way, shallow, right? They're just trying to be trendy or they're defining things in terms. But talent is talent and funny. I mean, it stays forever. It's timeless. If it's the real thing, it should be timeless.

I did a benefit the other night at the Waldorf, and John Fogerty was the headliner. Letterman was on the show, and Michael J. Fox, and Dennis Lee, and all the comics were great. I mean, it was really amazing to see David Letterman. But at the end, right after me was John Fogerty. Who was a hero of mine, by the way. And played 10 hits and got the fuck off. And I go, in my head, who now is going to have 10 hits 40 years from now

that all these people could get up and go crazy and just go, he blew the roof off the grand ballroom. These are big hits. Proud Mary. Who'll Stop the Rain. No, it works both ways. Come Around the Bend. Sometimes there is an over-glorification of the past.

This wasn't glorification. This was actual people dancing, going berserk. I'm just saying that Noam said that people disparage that which came before. Sometimes I think they glorify that which came before.

People talk, for example, about the original SNL cast in a way that I think is exaggerated in terms of how good they were. And classic, people always say music was so much better, and maybe it was, but certainly nobody's saying that music was worse in the 70s and 60s. Nobody's saying that. I think it's when I started the whole talk today was about timing.

That SNL cast filled a void of counterculture comedy that didn't exist. As Milton Berle was growing old, John Belushi stepped in. As Sid Caesar was retiring, Dan Aykroyd appeared and did live sketch comedy. And that is a masterpiece. That's genius to me. Dan, those guys have a pretty big body of work, the original SNL. I'm saying you're saying people disparage the old-fashioned, and I'm sometimes saying that I don't think you're saying people disparage the old-fashioned, and I'm sometimes saying that

I don't think across the board people disparage the old-fashioned. I think in terms of rock and roll, people glorify that which came before. And poo-poo, kind of the newer stuff. Maybe it's not the old-fashioned thing, but there is the what's hip and trendy.

I mean, hip and trendy, almost by definition, lasts a short while. And, like, I remember when I was a kid, which was, I just remember, the Jackson 5

and Michael Jackson were considered, like, trite and corny, as were the Bee Gees, you know? And I remember, I was like,

well, no, actually, I think they're pretty good, you know? But I was, this was a time when disco was supposed to suck,

and the Jackson 5 was supposed to be teeny, you know, bubblegum music. But here we are in 2015, and who are the two of the hugest names still ever, and they're no longer considered, even Barry Manilow, who was considered like the ultimate laughingstock, is now kind of respected in a way that he wasn't in his own time. I think longevity, I don't know how you guys feel, but standing the test of time is worth something creatively. Being able to reinvent, stay relevant, you know, it makes me miss Joan Rivers. Her comedy was fresh, even in her 80s.

There's a lot of comedians who were in 50 who their comic is not fresh. And it's unbelievable. That's such, just existing says so much, I think. Kristen, you want to? I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I just, I had a question as to why do you think, because to me the roast seems like one of the more natural forms of comedy.

I mean, you sit at the comedian table. It's nothing but comedians roasting each other. And, you know, there's Yo Mama stuff goes back forever I mean why do you think that it hasn't broken mainstream more quickly or at a bigger rate now but I mean it seems like it's something that's been around forever it took a while I think

I think a big part of it was Comedy Central letting them go you know what let's try younger cooler people let's break new comedians instead of somebody at the end of their career. How about somebody in the middle or in the beginning like Justin Bieber? And to me, it's fun because they're huge targets. I think it's a, people love to see big shots get taken down a notch and big shots love to be the center of attention even when there's a target on their chest so i think it's like perfect culture it's like what

tmz takes people down in a lot of ways but the roasts i think build them up and lets them own their mistakes well there's always like that always like that positive twist at the end where you say kind of like I know I just beat the shit out of you but you're a really great guy you do this

you do that have you ever been roasted Jeff I know like on these roasts people make fun of each other but have you ever

been the center of the roastee I've never been roasted the roastee of Vaughn what would you think are some good oh no

this sounds like but I'm wondering what would be some topics that you as a roast champion would go after if you had a roast Jeff Ross. Not asking specific jokes, but broad topics that might be covered. I think now that I'm working out so much and look so good, I think it would be tough to roast me. I don't think it would work, actually.

It would deflect, right? You think I like looking like Bruce Willis if he drowned? We used to do like comedy cellar roasts in the old days. I would love to do another comedy. Nobody wants to be roasted. We've been through this. Esty would be the ultimate roast. I don't think that everybody is up for a roasting.

I know... I've got 20 Esty jokes just waiting. You have to be a certain... Everybody is up for a roasting. I know. And I've just got 20 Esty jokes just waiting. You have to be a certain. If you came to Esty or anyone. You can make fun of Esty's accent. She flips out. You can't say, hey, you'd be good to roast. Let's roast you.

That's bullying. Somebody has a birthday. Somebody's retiring. Somebody's leaving town or just got back, you make it a special occasion, they're going to love it and they're going to say yes.

Right. But if you go, hey, look at that, she's so whatever, that's not going to fly. She's so worthy of being made fun of. But I don't think

Esty could handle roasting given the way she reacts when I just make fun of her accent, which is not even a big deal. No, she doesn't like that. Well, that was my other question. How do you find, is it hard to find celebrities that want to be roasted?

Yes, very hard. It is, right? Very hard, yeah. Because of ego or just not? Yeah, I mean, you have to find somebody who's so made that they can handle it. Right. That there's enough material that they're big enough where they'll draw a good crowd of other roasters. And that they can say, yeah,

I mean, a lot of people are, oh, I don't want them to bring up my second marriage. They have to be famous enough, I guess, that enough things about them in their life are common knowledge so people will get the punchlines. You don't have to explain to them the situation of this guy's life. They have to know that already and then you can make a joke about it. Right. So that's a small list of people. Occasionally celebrities

will call me or call Comedy Central asking to be roasted. And we've always said no because it's never, but the one who called and we said yes was Bieber.

He called and asked to be roasted? It was his idea. It was good for his career. Yeah. It was good for mine too. I don't know if you felt this way. When Geraldo died, and Geraldo was fantastic at the roasts, right?

I mean, all his eulogies and stuff and discussion about it, they were calling him a roast comic. What did you think about that? I was proud that he made an impact in those five minutes a year where it was not defining him, but was a big asset in his ammo belt. I thought that was super cool. Same goes for Patrice.

As a matter of fact, occasionally somebody will stop me when I'm on the road and say, how come you don't book Greg Giraldo on the roast anymore? Or how come I don't see Patrice on the next roast? They were fans, so many fans. Maybe not the real core fans that knew them when they were starting, but the roast helped so many people

find those guys. Yeah. That they were just figuring them out, just discovering those guys, and they disappeared, which is incredibly sad, but also interesting

in that they were so great at it that people remember them and think of them as still around. Yeah, you know, like Nicholas, our son, he was like 16, 17. He would watch those roasts like 15, 20 times in a row. One of his sons, he would DVR them

and he would watch them over and over and over and over to memorize every single joke. That's so cool. Which is, it's quite different than, you know, Judd Apatow was talking about how when he was a kid he would actually try to write transcribe, like a stenographer SNL skits

as they were on because he thought it was a good chance he would never be able to see them again. Wow. It's so different to process it now. If it was on one time, maybe it'll someday be repeat, but otherwise it's gone. No VCRs, no nothing, right? As opposed to now, just the whole way you watch TV, now you can watch it over and over and over again,

which I think allows for certain movies in a kind of way to be more complex. I began to appreciate The Godfather, for instance, more when I was able to see it more times because it's too much to take in the first time. But you couldn't hope to do that when you first saw it in the movies. Anyway. I wish there was more mystique around these things. You know, so much of it is accessible and reaccessible. I do think that a little bit is lost.

In the 70s, when a song that you hadn't heard in a while came on the radio, or in the 80s, there was a certain elation that you don't get now because any song you can hear anytime, you know, now maybe overall it's a better thing.

No, I'm saying you do lose something. No, I got to tell you something. Something you said just reminded me of. Dan Natterman, we were in the car. He said something to me which I've thought about over and over and over again. At the time, I didn't realize it was brilliant, but I actually think it was kind of brilliant.

We're sitting in the car, and I have this iPod, and I went on like BitTorrent sites and I downloaded entire catalogs of basically every act I could think of and it had all these like great hits of the 80s collections so Dan scrolling through the iPod and he's like playing DJ

and then he's playing this song from the 80s that he loves and this song from the 80s and then he would get halfway through it and change it and turns to me and says it's not as good when you can pick it yourself. And I say, you know, he's fucking right. When you were listening to the radio and the song comes on, somehow it is different than when you can choose the song.

So true. It's just not as good. You remember saying that? I don't remember saying it, but I remember believing it because that is how I feel about it. That feeling when something comes on and you go right to the volume button. I think it's the same thing as masturbating and getting a hand job. I think that's kind of what it comes down to. It's just not the same.

Well said, well said. No, it kind of is the same. Also, you're experiencing it. When a song comes on the radio, you're experiencing it with the... When a song comes on the radio, you're experiencing it with the world. And I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I don't know. It's just something...

Well, because I meant something. Like, oh, well, you know, you always saw that classic scene in movies, you know, when the band hears their song on the radio for the first time. Now, the one thing you don't experience is the pain of those last few bars of your favorite song as you're flipping channels. And you missed it. And you missed it.

Yeah. That's something. That pain and suffering is attenuated. Everything has changed. We take it for granted. When I was a kid, I was choosing the Beatles. That's the worst, right? Yeah.

When you get here, na-na-na-na, and it's over. We'll be right back after these messages. Especially if it was an old song or something you hadn't read. You didn't know if you'd be able to hear it again for weeks. When I was a kid, I was really into The Beatles, and I would read Beatles books, and there would be some description of some song that The Beatles did. And it'd be on some album, and there would just seem no way to get it. There'd be songs for two years

I'd finally hear some Hank Williams some song that I've been reading about now Bum bum bum long and No, not that one. But every single song in the history of man is now instantly available on our cell

phones for Christ's sake. This is all trite observations but it constantly amazes me. I guess to be my age, it really, you really feel it. We're all about the same age, except for a young Kristen, who's, you know, she's no sweet 16. Sorry. So we're just about out of time. Did you want to talk about Trump? Oh, Trump.

Are you at liberty to talk about Trump since you have a relationship? No, what do you want to know? I don't want to ask too many questions about Trump. But are you at liberty to talk about Trump since you have a relationship? No. What do you want to know? I don't want to ask too many questions about Trump. Did he really say that Muslims should be, there should be a database? Or was that some sort of misquote? Or exaggeration? He's been doing this thing, and he was on O'Reilly, and O'Reilly kind of told him to cut it out. And I thought O'Reilly was right.

Where he just passes along or just agrees to what other people are saying. Like, somebody tweeted some ridiculous thing about black and white statistics, the guy's running for president, he just retweeted it. Like he didn't check it. He didn't even Google it to make sure. And then, of course, it gets attributed to him. And the statistics were totally off. And then he tries to get away from it by saying, well, I just retweeted it.

Irresponsible. Of course. And the same thing with the Muslim thing. The reporter was asking him, do you think they should all have to be registered? Blah, blah, blah. And if you listen to it, it's not even clear whether he really even clicked with him

what he was being asked. But he just says, yeah, we got to do that. Like, dude, don't answer. You're running for president. And that's, before he was stepping into it like that with Trump, I was like, you know, there's a lot of things about a savvy business guy who knows the real world. As a business guy myself, I would like a president like that

and a guy who obviously does know how to negotiate. And I always figured that a guy who makes really great business deals knows how to shut up and keep his mouth shut because you can't make really good deals. America's not a business deal. It's a democracy. But he doesn't seem to know how and keep his mouth shut because you can't make really good deals. America's not a business deal. It's a democracy. But he doesn't seem to know how to keep his mouth shut now. Well, that's his whole shtick. And I don't know if he was always like

that. It's hard to believe he could have gotten where he was, where he is, by doing that. So the answer to your question is that he did kind of say it. I mean, he didn't come up with it. He just kind of co-signed it. But he hasn't forcefully and categorically said, I'm sorry, that's ridiculous. That's not what I meant either.

He backed off the database thing, but then he doubled down on surveillance of mosques. He also puts it without any kind of delicacy or any kind of recognition. Listen, I know what I'm saying is controversial and may offend people, but hear me out. This is a problem, and we may have to make some tough choices. Like, no, we're going to have to take a look at those Muslim people. But hear me out. This is a problem and we may have to make some tough choices. Like, no, we're going to have to take a look at those Muslim people. But that's in line with how he's been running his campaign the entire time. I don't see why it would be

fake for him to now say, oh, you know what, I'm actually presidential. I should be. I mean, his whole thing is that he's a man of the people like we are and he makes mistakes like we are and he says what he wants, like we would like to say. He seemed to be more measured in his words in the boardroom

on The Apprentice than he seems to be at a presidential debate. Interestingly enough, those were on prompter. Yeah, exactly. Interestingly enough, those were on prompter. Really? Yeah. Even his remarks? Of course. The reality show. Was he involved in writing them?

I'm sure. But also their censorship. So the reality show is on prompter, but reality is loose. You need ratings. There's a whole thing that goes into reality shows. You can't just say whatever you want. I don't know if it's online, but look up the Trump's rebuttal for his roast. It's hilarious.

He's a great joke teller. He has great timing. Lisa, or as I call her, Miss USDA. I want you to be a judge at my next Miss Universe pageant. You're perfect. Because like the universe, you're constantly expanding and filled with dark matter. But there are some things that have brought shame upon this great land of ours, besides

Lisa. I speak of the atrocities that we as a nation must endure, like the Jersey Shore. A piece of advice, my greasy friend. You don't need to put all of that product in your hair. You just don't. Look how great my hair looks. And I don't use anything.

And it looks very good. What's the difference between a wet raccoon and Donald J. Trump's hair. A wet raccoon doesn't have $7 billion in the bank. He's charismatic, right? You can't take that away from him. Absolutely. And a lot of fun. And very generous. And Alan Dorshowitz was here. And he described Trump as being

quite bright. Right. I believe yeah. And we always talk about, you know, comedians apologizing for things that they tweet and whatever because they have to. And what if it's, I mean, you know, you have to. We're too sensitive. Yeah. And the PC culture, you know, everyone's like, well, comedians have to tone it down. No, the world needs to toughen up a little bit.

It's a tough world. Apropos of that, I just want to say that since the attacks in France, and this show will be airing, I guess, first week in December, but anyway, it's still fresh. I haven't heard a lot of comedians go there since those attacks. And I would think that part of me thinks that's kind of a shame because, you know. You got any good France jokes, Dan? I tried to come up with something where I was like, yeah, you know, I don't have anything good. I was trying to make the point that, well, the reason that France is more important to us than, say, the tax in Beirut is because we have cultural ties and historical ties to France.

Now, why Cicelyne was so important, I don't know. Which wasn't really that good a joke. We didn't bring up a terrorist attack and say nothing. You punch up his jokes, Joe? I didn't want to go there either. But that's not the kind of comedy I generally do. But I didn't see anybody going there. Well, I don't know.

I mean, I'm sure somebody will soon enough. I remember Chris Rock after 9-11. I think it was that week, if not the next week. He went up and said, okay, what's going on? Only one thing going on. And then he proceeded to then do a half hour of jokes about 9-11. But I didn't see anybody similarly attacking. He wouldn't see it as jokes about 9-11.

He would see it as social commentary about what's happening in the moment. Okay, but with humoristic content. Right. He did say, for example, and he repeated this joke more recently on SNL, he said, they better build a World Trade Tunnel. Because I ain't working there. Something like that. But he did that the week of 9-11.

I think he did it recently on SNL, too. That was simultaneously a really good Chris Rock and racist, Dan, I got to tell you. The best ever was Dave Attell here. Round it back to Dave. The first, when there was a terrorist attack in the parking garage at the World Trade Center in the mid-'90s, it was big news downtown. There had never been a terrorist attack on a New York. It was a huge ground shaking,

literally, figuratively, here in the village. And the tale went on late and said, somehow referenced something and said, somehow referenced something and said, now maybe they'll take me seriously. He basically took credit for the terrorist attack. That was the first, that was the quickest

I'd ever heard. Jeff, wanted to ask you about that movie, but maybe another time. The Comedian. I hope it's a big hit. Robert De Niro and Jennifer Aniston. Nice. There's so many things about comedy now between sitcoms and Jed Apatow's pilot and this movie with De Niro.

I don't know what the signals... De Niro's been coming down here to see Jeff Ross quite a few times. He came down here to see Jeff Ross and apparently there's a movie in the making, but we'll wait for that. We have run out of time. This is so much fun, you guys. Oh, it's good to have you.

Well, then you'll come back when the movie comes out. I hope you'll come before that. That'd be great. Prior to that. I love the olive tree. Love the comedy cellar. Thanks for always making me

feel at home, you guys. Well, thank you, Jeff. Thank you. Honestly, I don't want to get... I don't want to cry. Oh, yeah. No, but really, thank you, Jeff. You said some nice things the other night, too, and I appreciate it. Of, but really, thank you, Jeff. You said some nice things the other night, Jeff.

I appreciate it. Of course, buddy. Thank you, Kristen. You're still married, right, Kristen? Yeah, I'm still married. Congratulations. You look lovely. So first Thanksgiving as a wife.

Ah. That's true. Are you going to make a turkey? No, I'm going to my parents. All right. I love Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to all your... Well, I think this is going to be airing

a week after Thanksgiving. John Oliver's... Fuck Thanksgiving. John Oliver said that it's a holiday about the only group of people who really should have been afraid of refugees. All right, on that note, good night, everybody.

Good night.