The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Jim Florentine, Ben Bailey, and Dave Juskow

Episode Date: April 21, 2017

Jim Florentine is a standup comedian and the man behind the prank-call CDs Terrorizing Telemarketers. Ben Bailey is a standup comedian and the former host of the TV game show Cash Cab. Dave Juskow is a comic and the force behind the Comedy Cellar's 'The Year of the Godfather' series.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're at the back table at The Comedy Cellar. My name is Noam Dwarman. I'm here with Dan Natterman, who was back, you were on a cruise ship last week. Where were you, Dan? That's correct. I was cruising the Caribbean. And our special guest, Mrs. Jim Florentine, and our producer, Steve Calabria, is at the table.

I don't know. Before we go, do you have anything about the cruise? Usually you have a story about the cruise. Well, I don't usually have a story about the cruise. Were you on a romantic cruise with a lady? I was on a working cruise. But it did give me a little bit of a... We were talking, Jim, I don't know if you know this, but the Comedy Cellar is opening up a Vegas room.

No, I didn't know that. That's coming in the summer. It's not a sure thing yet, Dan. Well, 99% sure. No, I wouldn't, okay, let's say 80, let's say 75% sure. Wow, I didn't know it was that low. I thought it was a little bit higher than that. But I think I'm going to say something that might knock that up a little bit.

Noam was having some misgivings about it, but you know, this cruise this week kind of gave me renewed optimism in the Vegas room because my material was really, really working very, very well. Well, I'm just saying so that the New York comedy seller type

shit that I do here was working for regular folk on the cruise, which is very much the kind of audience you might find in Vegas. Therefore, I do believe that the Vegas audience will respond to the comedy seller comedians. Usually, when your material works on a cruise, that means it's not good. It means you're a hack. Now, hold on, Jim. But this is the same material I do here that has been praised

by numerous comedians. I'm just saying that usually... But my point is that if you present the people on the... See, the notion is that cruise people, you've got to feed them the hacky shit, which will work, by the way. But the good shit will work, too. Maybe not for all of them, but for enough of them. I think, in general, many mistakes have been, by the way, but the good shit will work too. You know, maybe not for all of them, but for enough of them.

I think in general, many mistakes have been made by the clever people in charge of show business by thinking that this or that particular brand of humor wouldn't play to a wider audience. I mean, they were sure that Seinfeld was too Jewish, and, you know, I mean, funny's funny, Dan, and everybody watches the same TV shows

and sees the same comedians, and why wouldn't they laugh at you on a cruise just like they laugh at you on America's Got Talent? Or they laugh at you at the Comedy Cellar? Are people in New York so much more sophisticated? That's kind of what... Well, and also the New York audiences are from elsewhere, although it's a certain subset of, you know, elsewhere, but... Now, Jim likes to talk about heavy metal.

I don't know how that's going to play. Well, we'll get to heavy metal I was on a heavy metal cruise recently but wait did you have to be clean on the cruise no this is this is the Royal Caribbean the three ships they have that have comedy clubs on board the

ship and you can say whatever the hell you want I mean you know I wouldn't push it too far you know I mean I wouldn't necessarily well you're not dirty by nature too explicit but you know, I wouldn't push it too far. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily be too explicit. But, you know, I went as far as doing the uncle joke. Was the crowd typically older? No, mixed bag, mixed bag. No kids?

Well, the club is 18 years and older. That's the rule for the club, for the comedy club on the ship. Any ladies on the cruise, Dan? There are ladies on the cruise. But most of them, well, the thing about these cruises, there's not a lot of single ladies. It's either young, young girls with their parents or couples. So if you want to get laid on these ships, you have to hit the crew. This is awesome.

You have to hit the crew and you have to hit them hard. They're like Filipino. Well, there are Filipinos, but then it's very, like the Filipinos are like the bartending staff. But then if you get into like the dancers and the musicians. Who was the famous French financier who tried to bang the maid, remember? Oh, the World Bank guy. Yeah, the World Bank guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How old are you, Dan? That was DSK. That was Dominic Strauss-Kahn. How old are you? Well, you never ask a gentleman how old he is. I'm 47. Can I ask you how old you are? Well, who's a gentleman here?

Do you say how old you are? I'm 52. 52. So we're all about the same age. Don't you find a real waning sex drive as you hit 45 and above? Do you find that at all? Are you single again now? Yeah, I'm single again, so it's come back.

You're revitalized. Yeah. When it's something new, it comes back. It's infuriating to me. You're probably a little low on testosterone. Dude, why do you say that? I'm just saying. So I think that's where it's coming from. You might have to get some

testosterone cream or something for that. I don't know. As you get older, the testosterone goes lower and that loses you a sex drive as a guy. So sometimes you need, like, a supplement. Also, married men have lower testosterone than single men. That's a fact. Probably. And Jewish men.

Go ahead. I have a lower sex drive, but I still have a very high self-esteem drive. I need to be—I still need, as much as I ever ever did to be, you know, to be desired. I mean, how much would you pay for a drug to give you back what you had when you were like, not 17, 25? Like, if I could just have that. You want that? Why do you want that? It was just, it was a reason to get up in the morning.

It was awesome. Yeah, I mean, yeah, the sex drive. But plus, you could two, three hours sleep. You could function on no problem, get up, go to work, and not be exhausted all the time. That certainly you would want back. But as far as the sex drive, Noam, you don't want that sex drive. No, I do. I do want that. Because, unless it's for your wife, but if you have that sex drive,

but it's not, you know, aimed toward Juanita, then you'd be in quite a bit of trouble, I would imagine. Yeah, but the problem is when you're married, you kind of still have that sex drive for everybody but your wife. So you want to increase that. No, I'm kidding, honey. No, I'm just saying. You didn't call me honey.

I assume that honey was directed at Juanita. I don't know how much getting older occupies your guys' minds, but, like, I'm really thinking a lot about getting older, and just reminders everywhere, everywhere, of getting older. It's really been upsetting me lately. Is that the biggest thing that you miss? What?

The sex drive and just the ability and willingness to go out carousing. No, I was never a big carouser. I just miss, I don't know, just that feeling. You're better off without it if you're trying to keep your marriage together. You're right about that. Absolutely you're right about that. And also

I think part of the reason I think about it all the time is because I have kids. I started late. You have a son. Yeah, I have a six-year-old. And so you started a little bit late. Not as late as I did. And it infuriates me now that I started so late because I keep thinking of how old I'm going to be and what I'm going to miss with my kids.

And I think that's what starts the thought of us. So it's not just base concerns. And you have two, right? I have two and a third on the way. Yeah, so it's just pure chaos. So the sex is, you know, that's like 20th on the list when you got all that shit going on. So then you feel like, oh, man, what am I?

It's not on my wife's list. Yeah, and there's hardly any excitement when you get little kids running around and all this. And there's not really, hey, let's go fuck. Let's go get a hotel room for the weekend. Let's go out drinking, stay out till 3, 4 in the morning. That shit doesn't happen anymore. Very rare. Maybe she'll do something she's never done before.

Jim told me something very interesting before this show. I don't think he minds if I bring it up. He said he masturbated for the first time. Was it 21? I'd rather you not bring that up. That's very personal.

Yeah, first time was 21. Yeah, well, that's insane, right? The first time I had an orgasm was a month before I was 18. Well, then how... So you were with a woman... Yeah, I had sex with her. Yeah, that was my first orgasm.

So you had sex before you ever masturbated? Yeah. Well, that's Jersey shit right there. Yeah, well, I had sex with her. Yeah, that was my first orgasm. So you had sex before you ever masturbated. Yeah. Well, that's Jersey shit right there. Yeah, well, I grew up Catholic, man. They pound that shit in your head. You really, you know. But you had sex, though.

I also, there was seven of us. So I was in a room with three other brothers. So it was tough to, you know. I masturbate silently in bed with my wife. She doesn't even know. You couldn't masturbate with her? I couldn't perfect it at that early age. You know. I was staring at my Farrah F. She doesn't even know. You couldn't masturbate with her. I couldn't perfect it at that early age. You know.

I was staring at my Farrah Fawcett poster on the wall. Well, so you had all this buildup in your system. You couldn't get it out. Yeah, well, that's why I was an angry kid and just, you know, caused a lot of destruction. That's an amazing story because you just think it's irresistible. Like, you just find yourself. Well, it comes out anyway, does it not? And what's scientifically termed a nocturnal emission.

Which, by the way, I never had one of those, because I guess I took care of it. Well, I was in the diurnal emissions of waking thing. Anyway. Well, how old were you when you first did it? Masturbation? I was masturbating to Nellie Olsen in the 70s. How old was that?

I was 11. 11. I remember it. You know, but I didn't know it was 11. 11. I remember it. You know, but I didn't know it was called masturbation. Maybe 10. And, you know, nothing came out. Yeah, I had that too. But I would do that, yeah.

I didn't know what it was. I just thought it was my own thing that I kind of came up with. The first time I did it, I felt really guilty too. I did it when I was drunk in the middle of the night. In the morning, I felt like shit. Like the biggest piece of shit. I can't believe I did that. What's wrong with me? But then, like, three days later, I got over it. And then I said,

within a week, I had bursitis in my arm. I had to go to the doctor, and I had my arm in a sling. I missed two softball games. He was dry heaving out of his... I couldn't stop. Yeah, I hear that a lot from Catholic people, that, you know, all this Catholic guilt that I guess I just wasn't aware of, but that is a real thing. Catholic guilt is nothing compared to Islamic guilt, apparently, but it's high up there. People do deal with it.

I mean, I don't know. Jews don't care about masturbating, right? Nobody tells us not to masturbate. Well, they don't tell you not to do it, but I do recall my father once catching me at it and saying, don't do that, you know, in sort of a harsh tone. Really? Yeah. Were your pants around your ankles? No, I was just in the car.

He had gone out. You know, your parents leave you in the car. In the front seat next to him? No, he had left the car to do whatever he had to do, post office. And you do it in the car? I was touching it in the car, yeah. You had it out? I believe so, yeah.

Was there a schoolyard nearby? Probably, but that's not relevant. I mean, there's a lot of, you know, Stanford has a lot of schools in it. Was this the good car? I didn't know. Your family has like two cars. I don't recall that. Was it the Caddy?

We didn't have a caddy Your choice was a Pinto Or a Chevy Sate So your dad came back To the car Caught you And what did he say? He just said

Hey you shouldn't do that You know Dave Juskow? Of course yeah What's up buddy? Dave you'd like to sit down And we do have an extra chair And an extra mic That's a good dad

You shouldn't do that And then he left it at that? He left it at that. What he should have said is, this is something that we do privately. You know, it's a wonderful, perfectly natural thing to do. And I, and, and, you know. Were you not aware it was something you do privately? I wasn't private.

I know, but, I mean, you knew it was something you were supposed to do privately. I was in private. You succumbed. I was in private. You were in private. You succumbed. I was in private. You were in private. So just to bring you up to speed, Jim didn't masturbate until he was 18. 21. 21.

I know. You know this. And Dan got caught masturbating in his car by his father. At 11. I haven't had sex in such a long time. I now have dreams about finding a place to masturbate. I used to have dreams about sex. I've had wet dreams

about masturbating. You have? And I had a wet dream one time about Diana Ross, too, in high school. That's a little awkward. I never had dreams about black girls

until later. Why is that? I don't know, from Jersey, I guess. Well, you're both from Jersey. Is that a... Now, Jim, is that a Jersey accent

that you have because it's very gravelly? It's a lot like Artie Lang speaks like you do with the gravel. Yeah, I don't know. Jersey accent that you have? Because it's very gravelly. It's a lot like Artie Lang speaks like you do with the gravel. Yeah, I don't know. My dad sounded like this. I don't know. I think it's just the voice runs in the family. But yeah, it could be probably Jersey.

And Vaughn's a little gravelly. So I thought maybe the Jersey gravel. Norton isn't gravel. Springsteen? You know, there's a Southern draw on the Jersey gravel, maybe. Springsteen's got the gravel. He's got the gravel. Springsteen's almost know, there's a southern draw on the jersey. Gravel, maybe. Springsteen's got the gravel, yeah. He's got a gravel. Maybe it's just a certain part of Jersey.

Or maybe it's like in Boston where certain people have the Boston accent, but some of the other people don't have the Boston accent. Could be a matter of neighborhood. I don't know if anyone wants to talk about it, but it's been on my mind. Well, if it's Bill O'Reilly, I suggest we put that on hold. Okay. Because I would like to get, well, unless you insist on it. Go ahead.

Someone, I really want to talk about this sexual harassment with Bill O'Reilly. I know you do, but it's just, I just. It's only the biggest story of the day,

but go ahead, Dan. I'm sure I'm the only one. Go ahead. Go ahead. Talk about masturbating. Go ahead. Well, again, this brings us,

Noam and I have very different visions for this podcast. Noam wants it to be Bill Maher. Bill Maher already exists. I want. He does it. Noam wants it to be Bill Maher. Bill Maher already exists. He does it pretty well, I would add. It's not about Bill Maher. I want it to be about the lives of the comics

and the life of the comedy seller and things that comics can really talk about in a way that others cannot. The Bill O'Reilly thing, I don't know. Unless it's really in Jim's wheelhouse and in JustGal's wheelhouse, to talk about the Bill O'Reilly thing I don't know maybe unless it's really in Jim's wheelhouse and in Juskow's wheelhouse to talk about the Bill O'Reilly

Juskow works in an office quite often with females that's true in fact I just got in trouble today because there's a really hot girl

just come you know she was dressed really provocatively and I go how was she dressed she was dressed in like a skirt

like a short skirt and boots. And she knows I have a crush on her anyway. Cleavage? Definitely cleavage. She's, you know, Latino. Latina. She's not Latino.

She's like, how short was your skirt? It was like above the knee, but, you know, with the boots. It was working. It was working. Latina, healthy butt, like robust. She's really pretty. Dan's got his dick out right now. And I said,

wow, you look terrific. And I was right in front of her boss and he goes, hey, hey, can't say that. Like he was really angry. This just happened hours ago.

Yeah. And he was really angry. And then of course, you know, later, he was like, you know I had to say that. No, be careful.

It happens all the time. It's a big problem right now. But then the guys close the door and they're like, listen, you know, then they're like, you know, then they say much worse things than I just said to that girl. Plus, that girl was just like, thank you. You can't say anything. Yeah, Latina girls are not really that sensitive about that stuff. I think pretty sure she was... I mean, I think that outfit

garners a reaction, right? I think that's why you wear it, right? I don't think it was like office appropriate. I mean, you weren't creepy about it, were you? No, well, who knows at this point. Were you licking your lips when you said it? No. I don't know why I think the Latina girls are more easygoing about it, but I just feel like it's

usually like uptight white girls who are really looking. They're just like a spring coiled, ready to fucking find somebody who says something, unless they like the guy, in which case anything goes. I think the Latino women, the Latino men are used to just doing that to women.

They just shrug it off like, ah, whatever, he's just being an idiot. When they're walking down the street, white guys usually don't do that. They're more discreet about it. They won't yell out. They'll just look and salivate. But that's how hot she was dressed.

It threw me off. I was like, wow. There was a Latina girl. Were you here last Friday night dancing in front of the band? No. Oh, my God. Damn it. Why do we always miss the good stuff?

Sizzling hot. By the way, Jessica's a huge fan, not just a frequent podcast guest, but a huge fan of the podcast. I am. And so I'd like to hear his perspective on the direction we should take. But don't talk about Bill O'Reilly. It's way too interesting

on everybody's mind. Well, obviously, the juxtaposition between the two of you is what makes the podcast great. So it's fun. It's great talking about comedy and the cellar and all the comics

and our friends, and then it's fun to talk about plot. It's good to mix it up. But I feel no one gets too deep, deep, deep. And as I said, Bill Maher already exists. We have to do our own thing. Okay, this is what I think. I'm going to drop it.

I think that what you're describing, this new kind of world where we're not sure what we can say to people we work with anymore. What sucks your harassment? What is courtship? What is like we're not sure what we can say to people we work with anymore. What sucks your harassment? What is courtship? What is like, we're all flying blind. And there's a new wrinkle now with O'Reilly that even if you settle something out of court, which we all know people settle just to be rid of something, you know, like Billy Joel settled that plagiarism case or he didn't plagiarize it. You just want to be rid of it. Now that even becomes evidence that can be used to end your career. How is this new? You recall

Clarence Thomas, was that almost 30 years ago now? 25, 30 years ago? The Coke comment? He was confirmed. I don't know if he would have. But it was a big, big, big deal is the thing. I don't know. You said that this is something new.

We're flying blind as though this is a very recent phenomenon. Well, his, JustGals' boss is obviously, why did he say that? Because he's like, this is a different universe now. He told me, he said, I don't want to lose my job. I got kids. But I think it could have happened 20 years ago as well. No, no. It didn't happen 20 years ago.

No, nobody. I mean, you were allowed to say a girl looks pretty at the office 20 years ago. You were allowed to bang a waitress 20 years ago. You can still bang a waitress. No one's stopping you except your own. Very carefully. Bang a cocktail waitresses. Two a treat at a time. My friend worked at MTV back in the 90s and he just said everybody, including

bosses, everybody was banging each other. It was never a problem. They'd all go out drinking afterwards, all hook up. And there was never an issue anywhere with anyone with a sexual harassment. That's just what you did back then. Well, I think that probably goes on today, too, in certain young people,

like here at the Comedy Cellar. I mean, there's many, many... They're all fucking here, too. You know, the waitstaff, the bar staff, the comics. What? Everybody but JustGal. You know, so that happens in certain contexts. I think... Nobody was supposed to tell JustGal. Don't, so that happens in certain contexts. I think...

Nobody was supposed to tell JustGal. Don't you know the rules? Son of a... I think that, you know, at a law firm 20 years ago, it would have been similar. It would have been a similarly... I'm excited. When I worked as a...

I was a summer associate. I've been at the law firm 20 years. I was a summer associate at a law firm. And I had a huge crush on this Indian receptionist named Davina and I spent half my time just at the reception desk hitting on this receptionist

and all the party, it was a joke at the whole law firm. Everybody was just making fun of it and it didn't occur to anybody that I was doing anything that might get anybody

in trouble. Nobody told me to back off. It was like, ah, he's trying to bang Davina. It was not an issue. So it never happened? Yeah. Nice.

I slept with the receptionist at my last job. I wore down. Well, okay, you slept with the receptionist at your last job, which was when? Okay, she's listening. Go ahead. Was she a temp? 20 years ago.

No, she's still there. Well, I assume there's plenty of workplace sex happening. And one man's courtship is, I mean, like, you know, you flirt with a girl, and if she likes you, it's fine. Well, that's what O'Reilly should have been doing instead of being bossy and just, like, you know, be jerking off on the phone talking to this woman, and he's breathing heavy and saying shit to her. He should have flirted with her and say if she's not into it,

then you move on to the next girl. You find somebody that's going to cheat and has no problem hooking up with you and maybe advance a career. He did it absolutely the wrong way. He was just a scumbag about it, just going, hey, I'm Bill O'Reilly. Fuck me. Oh, really?

I'm going to ruin your career, basically. And that would not have flown 20 years ago either. He could have easily got those young girls at Fox. I'm in that building when we used to do Red Eye and stuff like that. There's all hot chicks in there. A million of them would have slept with him, too, if he would have just done it the right way. A million of them would have come to him without him even asking.

They would have made themselves available. I put a paralegal from the office here two weeks ago. She's 22. But it's all creepy. But I said, do you want to go out with me? I just was nice about it. And I just said, do you want to come with me down the village? And she goes, sure. And I said, do you want to go out with me? Like, I just was nice about it. And I just said, do you want to come with me down to the, whatever. And she goes, sure.

And I'm like, you do? Like, I was even surprised she said yes. And then she told me not to tell anybody in the office. But, I mean, no podcast, who cares? She said not to tell anybody in the office? Because that's really good. Yeah. That means she might like you.

Well, she came over. To your house? Yeah. Yeah, she slept over. Really? Dave Juska has a way with women, not necessarily sexual, but he has a way of just being pals with every woman. Yeah, awesome.

I mean, he hangs around with a lot of beautiful women. That's just always been his thing. Can I say? Well, it used to be better. I don't mean to imply that the stuff that, I agree with Jim. I mean, in so many things you find that if you just have some class about you, you can get away with things. I mean, O'Reilly, what he did was have absolutely no class, and that's what came back to bite him. I think that I've, and most people I know, avoided any of these issues because I've had relationships with people who work with me because I never was, I was never a lech.

Well, that's what I'm saying. I think with this girl, we talked a couple times. But I've called women and masturbated on the phone. I was sure they would be okay with it. Who hasn't done that? I've never done that. But with this girl, we talk for a while. Sometimes we talk in the office or we went out for lunch once and then

it seemed like it would be okay. Like you said, you're just polite about it. But there's something about Dave Juskow that women feel unthreatened, right? I think it has something to do with them hating their fathers, I guess. No, but you have a lot of female friends that you would never lay a glove on. That's true. Is that true or false? It's true.

Okay, so that's kind of what you do. I've always been one of the girls. This is my last question about O'Reilly to ask you guys, and I'm done with it unless it comes up naturally. Another thing that bothers me. So, okay, O'Reilly calls up the girl, whatever it is, and he's breathing heavy and masturbating on the phone. And she goes, he masturbated on the phone,

and I need Five million dollars Five million That's the only way I'll ever be right again Is to have five million dollars Isn't that ridiculous I mean people How many times

Have you had women we know Seen guys jerking off On the subway And they come And I mean it's not Alright it's different He works with them But

It might be nice To have a woman's opinion On the matter Five million dollars Or even a guy Even if a girl Going on her first date With a guy and he just whips his dick out. She's like, no, what are you doing? Guys do that all the time.

They'll just whip it out. She's like, no, I don't want to touch it. I barely know you. So she's not getting anything from that guy. Right. Well, you don't whip your dick out unless you feel like. I don't know. Do you ever talk about what you told me in Atlantic City, like how you handle stuff?

What did I say? I don't want to say it if you don't want to. I don't care. You're very good about making sure that doesn't happen to you. Well, you've got to be protected because you don't know. Right. Girls out there might cry something, got a boyfriend or a husband, and they don't tell you about them, and then they get caught. And then they blame, well, I didn't want to do it. So I just always get a confirmation text

back if there's something sexual that goes down. It's really smart. Afterwards, just saying, oh man, so how many orgasms did you have? Like two or three? Like whatever. And she's like, I had three. I'm like, man, I thought you only had two. She goes, no, I had three. I go, oh man, next time I'd like to give you four. She's like, oh, that'd be amazing. So you get all that going back. So if anything goes down, I have cop time I'd like to give you four. She's like, oh, that'd be amazing. So you get all that going back. So if anything goes down, I have cop friends that say like three out of ten women that come in and say they got sexually assaulted or raped or whatever are lying. Because they're boyfriends or they felt guilty in the morning. And so what they usually do, my cop friend is what they do, is the girl will come in.

He goes, okay, right now we're going to call the guy. Without her even getting contact. Call him right now and we're listening and start yelling at. Without her even getting contact, call him right now, and we're listening, and start yelling at him that you didn't want to do that last night. Because if she's lying, the guy's going to go. So half the time, the guy's like, why'd you do that to me? And he's like, what are you talking about?

I didn't want to do that last night, and the cops are listening. He's like, what are you talking about? We just went for breakfast, and we're going to meet up later. At like 6 o'clock, we're going to go out again. And he's like, then they're like, oh, you still want to pursue this? No. And then they leave. So that happens a lot. That's a very politically incorrect fact,

but I've heard it before, that rape is the most often falsely reported crime. Which you really, I mean, I've only, I'm not saying it's true, because people get so upset about it. I've just read that. I don't know that it's true. No, no, There are some cases, absolutely, where girls will

have a boyfriend or husband or just feel like shit in the morning or the guy treated them like shit. Supposedly, the whole Tyson case was he threw Desiree Washington out at a hotel. She was 18 years old. She didn't know where she was. And he just said, get the fuck out. And she's like, where am I going? Just get the fuck out and just didn't even call her a cab.

Lack of class. Yeah. And she probably wasn't going to do cab. Lack of class. Yeah. And she probably wasn't going to do it. That was a story that came out later that he just threw her out, didn't even walk her downstairs, didn't even get her a car. She's 18 years old in Indianapolis for the first time. She was there for the beauty con. She had nowhere to go. And it just felt like a used piece of shit.

And that's when all the stuff went down. That was terrible. That was really a travesty of Justice Mike Tyson going to jail. I mean, I thought... I mean, he might have done it, but I don't know how they could prove that he did it. Like, by this reasonable doubt. I mean, beyond any doubt, Mike Tyson raped her.

You're always going to lose as a man. That's why Jim's thing is very smart. Well, you never know. Look, if someone's going to hook up with you the first night, or you're in a town somewhere and they're going to sleep with you, that's not normal. That's not a normal girl. Normal girls don't do that.

So you've got to put that in the equation that this chick is going to be a little crazy and who knows what's going to happen. You can text them, I'm sorry I didn't make you come. I'm sorry nothing happened. I'll try harder next time. I'm sorry I nothing can happen again. I'll try harder next time. I'm sorry I fell asleep last night. I would like to talk some about the

story I find fascinating. Yeah, go ahead. I support you, whatever you want to talk about. Okay, which is the United Airlines catastrophe. Well, catastrophe for United Airlines, anyway. Of the Dr. Dow getting thrown off the plane. And I assume everyone's familiar with that story.

Yeah. Wasn't he a troublemaker, though? Well, it's come to light that the guy was a bit of a creeper himself. Yeah. But I don't think that's going to have any relevance in terms of his lawsuit. I fly United, so I like it, so now they're going to treat us better. That's the way I look at it. Yeah, they're going to treat you better.

They're not going anywhere. The stock went down. People are going to start buying it again. They're still going to charge a ton to fly. They're such a huge airline. Nothing's going to happen to them. They're just going to have to change some policies where they're not going to be able to just drag people off a flight. I agree. What I think Dow

is going to get, this was like, this sort of reminds me a bit of the Artie Fuqua, Tracy Morgan, Walmart crash, in that this is the perfect, everything had to come together just right for them to get the huge payout that they got. And in this case, with Dr. Dow, you have, he was already on the plane,

he was injured just enough, you know, he wasn't, he, like, first of all, he had to on the plane. He was injured just enough. You know, he wasn't, he, like, first of all, he had to have the balls to say to three cops, no, you're going to take me out. I mean, who would do that? But like a person that's not- Not using an Asian doctor. Very few people, I think, would have done it in that instance. Well, what was that scene of him walking around?

And then they, well, they dragged him out. He injured himself. And at a time where people are fed up with the airlines. So what I'm trying to say is $5 million. Yeah, well, I think there's another aspect to what you're saying, which is that normally when you have a lawsuit, you settle against what each person, each side thinks they can likely make or lose at a trial. But in this case, United also has to weigh it against

the PR disaster that it wants to go away. With the Walmart accident as well. Even more than with Walmart. With Walmart, they don't want to look like they're not making good, but I don't think anybody thinks a truck driver because it has a Walmart,

this is like United Airlines policy. So I think they'd be ready to pay him more than they think they would lose at trial, because they really want it to go away, because it's bad for business. Yeah, and they want to seem like they did the right thing by this guy. Why was he... But I saw a scene where he was walking up and down the aisle,

screaming and everything. He got back on the plane. He got back after? After they dragged him off, I guess they put him, he was at the front, you know, check, and then he ran back on the plane, and then they got him back off again. Now, you remember the movie Soul Plane, where Kevin Hart sued the airline and created Soul Plane. I'm wondering whether there's going to be a Szechuan plane. You see, this is what we give you here at the Comedy Cellar Podcast. We give you

pre-written... The whole build-up was so we could get that joke out, but it's a good joke though, Dan. We give you pre-written shit as well as improv. Sounds delicious. And that's why this is the only game in town for your podcasting needs. I think that, I mean, as an owner of bars who's dealt with

these situations before, my heart goes out to United Airlines, although they were stupid, which is that you always have some overzealous guy who wants to kick some fucking ass who gets you in trouble as a bar owner. Yeah, but the guy is already seated. They should have just said, all right, offer more money and somebody will volunteer to leave. Yeah, of course. Or you know what? Like you said, most people, when you start to lift them physically, they won't resist. It's all right. But the second

that you see that you're in a full-blown brawl, you'll walk away from the guy and say, okay, you know. Well, you can't really do that because there still needs to be somebody getting off the plane. No, no. You can do that because there still needs to be somebody getting off the plane. No, no. You can do that. Then you're rewarding.

Like, if your policy is this guy's got to go, then you've got to follow through with it. Maybe you need to get more people and lift him in a way you can't hurt him. This happened to me downstairs. The thing I had to settle with somebody. Some guy, I mean, I can't even tell the story because I'm so disgusted with it. But some guy just wanted to use the bathroom, and he wasn't a customer a customer and he used the bathroom and then he wouldn't leave right away. And the door guys got like said, you have to leave now. And he said, I'm not leaving. You got to fucking take me out.

So like, OK. And the guys like bloodied. Now, the guys, my guys didn't hit him, but he blighted himself just in the altar. I'm like, what the fuck is the matter with you guys? Just let him watch the fucking comedian. Well, you know, you know, I mean... I would have been the opposite way. I would have been like, get him the hell out of here,

do whatever you have to do. I'd be really upset by that. No, like some guy pulls out a... It's happened to me, some guy pulls out a cigarette, and those security guys are just dragging him. I was like, why are you dragging this guy out? He's smoking.

I was like, all right. You know, it's not the end of the world. It's illegal. I know. Well, from their point of view, could it not be that they're thinking the boss doesn't allow this sort of behavior and if I allow this sort of behavior... No, no, no. It's never

that. They know and they've been taught. I always say, don't put your hands on anybody for any reason unless there's life or limb in the balance. I even tell them, I don't care if they don't want to pay the check. If somebody refuses to pay the check, let them go.

Do not stop them. Do not put your hands on them. They know that. What if it's ten people? Let them go. Don't touch anybody. But who goes into this kind of profession? Cops.

They want to kick some ass sometimes. They see a green light. They think they got it. And they get overzealous. But they do usually ask first, sir, can you please put that out? Like they give them two chances or something, but then doesn't it then escalate? They don't just immediately go in and touch the guy, right? No, but they escalate it when it's not necessary.

I see what you're saying. But I think in the end, it does come down to the policies. And apparently some other airline has a much better policy where they just ask all the passengers to, I think they have an app, to tell them how much would it take to get you to leave the flight. And then they, whoever gets the lowest price. Well, that's what they should have done instead of being cheapskates. Which always works. Yeah, and they might have to pay a couple thousand dollars. No, but usually the lowest is always a few hundred dollars.

But even if they have to pay a couple thousand. Well, they have to, a couple thousand, just for the— Well, they have to. They have to, yeah. You know, just to throw somebody out is just shitty. Even if the guy left voluntarily, it's just shitty customer service. Well, it was also for their employees, too. They needed their employees to get to a flight in the morning in Louisville. So it's like all the airlines work with each other.

Those four employees could have went on an American flight. It's out of Chicago. There's a million flights going out of there. But who's going to rush? They could have to go to Louisville. They would have went on an American flight. It's out of Chicago. There's a million flights going out of there. But who's going to rush? They could have to go to Louisville. Let's say the employees called in sick. I mean, they would have to manage without the employees. It's not...

Right. Or it's four hours from Chicago. They could have rented a car. It was 8 o'clock at night. Or pay somebody more money to get off the plane. Here's a question. They said they picked at random this Asian guy, but that within the random system,

there's some other considerations, like they don't throw out unaccompanied minors and so on and so forth. But I wonder whether they would ever throw, like racially speaking, if they would throw out a Muslim guy. Oh, good point. So you think if that name pops up, they'll skip? I think Muhammad, they say, Muhammad can stay. They'll skip to Dan Natterman.

They're like, all right, Dan Natterman's going to throw out Muhammad. That's the way it should be. I think that they would have, I think throwing out a black guy would be tricky. Tricky, yeah. And I think throwing out a Muslim guy would be tricky. But what if the guy's name is like Steve Brown and they think he's a white guy? And then all of a sudden, who's Steve Brown? He raises his hand.

He's black. Then would he go, oh, no. Just say, well, we wanted to see if you wanted a beverage. You know, and then you go on to the next guy. It's true. It would be ugly throwing out anybody who might think it. But I think white and Asian are the ones that they figured, I guess, you can throw out without too much repercussion. Yeah, when did an Asian guy ever make trouble before?

Well, it's very rare. What country was he from? I believe Vietnam. Yeah. Or maybe he was half Vietnamese. Yeah, when did an Asian guy ever make trouble before? Well, it's very rare. What country was he from? Vietnam. I believe Vietnam. Yeah. Or maybe he was half Vietnamese. No, he was Vietnamese, yeah. Full Vietnamese.

I question anybody that wants to spend time in Louisville. I've been there twice, and it sucks. They hate everybody there. Well, he's a very successful doctor from Louisville. Nobody's a successful doctor in Louisville. Louisville stinks. Sorry, my uncle's from there, and Nobody's a successful doctor in Louisville. Louisville stinks. Sorry, my uncle's from there, and he's a bag of crap. I actually had a thing with an Asian customer one time who tried to sue me one time

because we had tax on cover charges, something ridiculous. And then, no, that wasn't it. He was arguing with somebody, and the manager spoke to him badly, and he filed a lawsuit against me. What was the lawsuit? We settled it out of court. What would it be? Like, what would he sue you for if someone yelled at him?

Like $50,000 or something? No, but what was the offense? Oh, what was the offense? Yeah, what was the offense? That you taxed too much, you said? I was like, abuse, verbal. I don't know. You're right.

Like, oh, no. I think he know. You're right. Oh, no. I think he said he was humiliated in front of other people. Where do these people find lawyers? I work at a law firm. He was a lawyer. Okay, that's what I needed to know. Because I work at a firm, and I can't imagine anyone in my firm taking that case. But the funny thing, his name was David Chin, and I settled with him for like 20 free visits or something, and then years

later, I needed to file a lawsuit against somebody who was really fucking with me, but I knew it was going to be a nuisance lawsuit, so I called this guy up. Oh, that's smart. Did he help you? Yeah. Nice. That's what you're supposed to do. It's like an Erin Brockovich that happened. This guy buried me in paperwork, so I figured.

I don't know. Nobody watch that movie? I did. Yeah, I don't recall that scene. Nobody figured. I don't know. Nobody watched that movie? I did. Yeah, I don't recall that scene. Nobody would. Yeah. I don't know why I recall every movie ever made. Well, on a related note, by the way, speaking of any movie ever made, the next installment, the final installment of The Godfather.

Did you get the script? I did receive the script. Nobody wrote me back. Oh, a Just Gals show. Just Gals show. There's another Godfather movie? You didn't get the script? I sent it to you on Monday.

Jim, have you seen the Godfather, Just Gals Godfather? No, but Artie always raves about Artie Lang. Does he rave about it? Yeah, he does. How is Artie? I don't know. I haven't talked to him. Really?

Well, I hear he beat the case. He's not going to do anything. Yeah, I know. He's not going to jail. I know. I got pushed out on misdemeanors. Yeah, it's amazing. It just seems to me that to convict Artie in New Jersey would be tricky business indeed.

I mean, the man is a hero, though. He was a longshoreman, you know, and his dad hasn't been alive in a long time, but probably still has connections. Absolutely. And a lying family, so. And he's so beloved. He is beloved. No, absolutely.

He's like the mayor of Hoboken. Maybe down south you'd get him on absolutely. He's, you know, he's like the mayor of Hoboken. Maybe down south you'd get him on some charge or another, you know. Attell said he's been here a couple times during the weekends. You haven't seen him? I saw him through the door but I didn't get to talk to him. He is just the nicest ever.

He is. He's a great dude. A sweetheart. That's why you want to make sure he's doing okay. You know, it's a major bummer he can't get it together. It bothers him. And he's really funny. Even when he's messed up sure he's doing okay. It's a major bummer he can't get it together. It's bothersome. And he's really funny. Even when he's messed up, he's funny. It's amazing how quick he is.

He's amazing. He is a really gifted talent above most. You prepared some questions for Jim. Oh, well, I was curious to know, first of all, where your love of metal comes from and if it's at all related to your background in comedy. Not really. You know, I had two older brothers that were into heavy metal. I was 12. He likes metal, you know.

They were 17. So you drive around in a car and they just play that and you had no choice but to listen to it. He does a metal podcast. He likes metal. That's all, you know. Why do I like strawberry? So I just got into it as a kid and you grow up in New Jersey and you're strict Catholic, so sex is out of the question.

So I liked heavy metal and wrestling growing up. I got into the wrestling phase at like 14 or 15. But, you know, there was other alternatives. There was Bruce, you know, he's not metal. Yeah, you know, Bruce was all right. I mean, I learned to like him over the years. But, you know, when you were a metalhead and Bruce was really big, born in the USA, you're like,

no, I can't like that. I like more the metal stuff. Well, now, what kind of metal? Like the hair bands? Like Poison? You know, Skid Row? But then he moved up. Yeah, in that time in the 80s, you're like that. If you grew up in New Jersey, everyone had long hair and, you know. We all grew, we all

loved it. I grew up in Connecticut, and we loved it quite a bit. There was a group of kids in our school that used to have long hair. It was like a group of Jersey kids that lived in Connecticut. We had an interesting school. We had a group of kids that thought they were Southern.

Used to drive around in pickup trucks and listen to Skinner. Skinner's not metal. No, but that's one group. Then we had another group. They tried to be like Jersey people. They had long hair. Like Jersey. And they had those Cinderella t-shirts or whatever.

And these are Jews? No, my town was a mixed bag. Some of them might have been, but no. I have a question about metal. Because I used to say this in high school, but I think I was wrong, which is that the taste for metal doesn't wane as you get older. Normally, as you get older, you start, like, you have adult contemporary stations. Like, your taste in music is supposed to become a little more mild.

No. No, you're, I always tell little kids, I see them in a show, I go, you realize you're going to like heavy metal the rest of your life. You're seven years old, you're in. For life. You're always going to. You might, when you hit your 30s, maybe you get married, you have a couple kids, you might veer away from it for a little while, but then when you get in your 40s, you're right back in

the way. You're like, wait a minute, I like that stuff when I was a kid. You always like what you liked when you were a kid. No, but you think of like, somehow times, if you look at the music that musicians go into old age homes and play for the people, it's somehow calm, melodic. Now, at some point, the new crop of people in old age homes,

they're going to be playing Stairway to Heaven. Yeah, and I suppose it'll be rap for the next generation that comes through. It seems impossible. You just tend to like what you liked. Your taste, my parents never got beyond Sinatra, you know what I mean? So, because that was their, you know, and that kind of music. Well, yeah, unless you keep up with music all the time. You don't keep up because your taste frees at a certain point. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Like, most people do not keep up with listening to new music all the time. But it's not. I think something in the brain shuts off. I think you get used to a certain type of music and you just kind of, your brain freezes in there. But there's also

an energy and an attitude and a testosterone thing about metal which you think might wear off, but it doesn't. I mean,

I'm just observing that it doesn't. No, it doesn't. Like Metallica's playing at MetLife Stadium in like two weeks. They sold 60,000 tickets it sold out. They'll probably do another date there. I don't think I can name you one Metallica song. Well MetLife Stadium in like two weeks. They sold 60,000 tickets. It sold out.

They'll probably do another date there. I don't think I can name you one Metallica song. Well, of course you can. Like Guns N' Roses did two shows at MetLife Stadium. So they sold like 120,000 tickets in two days last summer. Do you consider them metal? No, they're hard rock. But the difference is, is like Billy Joel, who's, what, 70 or 65,

he can still sing his songs. It doesn't require necessarily a young man's voice to sing Billy Joel, who's, what, 70 or 65? He can still sing his songs. It doesn't require necessarily a young man's voice to sing Billy Joel songs. But Metallica's going to have a tough time, I think, at 70. Absolutely. They know that they're going to be able to do it to about 60, 61, 60. I don't even know how Lars would do all that drumming

at his age now, right? Well, yeah, that's the thing. The drummer's always the first one to go. Like a catcher. Like a catcher on a baseball team. Yeah, yeah. Like Piazza, they eventually put him on first base. Right, right.

I remember listening to McCartney sing Let It Be a couple years ago. I don't know what it was for, and it wasn't very good. He warbles. He has good days and bad days. You know, it just seems to me so cruel. Like, it's bad enough age has to take your looks away. Look at Tony Bennett. You've got to take a guy's voice away.

He still sounds good. He still sounds like he ever did. What was that bullshit with Lady Gaga and Metallica? You must have been freaking out. Well, yeah, they did the whole thing with the Grammys,

but they didn't, you know, first of all, the woman that introduced Metallica and Lady Gaga didn't even mention Metallica. Yeah, they got crazy. It was a Metallica song, and they just said,

give it up for Lady Gaga. Like Metallica was their backing band. And then the mic wasn't on for the singer James Hetfield for like a minute. How does that go on for a minute? Like supposedly some guy kicked out a chord or something like that. It's like, what is this, the airplane movie where the guy pulled the chord? And it went on for a minute where he had no vocals. Yeah, that sucked.

Very disrespectful. It really was. Is there any new metal? I guess metal is dead along with rock and roll. No, I mean, there's still a lot of bands out there that sell a lot of tickets in the metal world. No, but new metal bands. Yeah, there is. Yeah, I mean, my nephew's 17, 18.

He's all into it, so he tells me about them. Seems like all the music I hear is like, you know, these chicks singing songs written by some Swedish dude. Where are you listening to this stuff, though? 70s radio, obviously. It's one on Sirius? Yeah, that's where you're going to hear it. I'm not hearing, like, you know, in the 80s, even if you weren't into this shit,

I wasn't listening to Cinderella, but I heard of her. It was part of the zeitgeist, if I may use that term. Yeah, this is the thing about 2017. You don't have to listen or ever hear anything other than exactly what you want to hear anymore. It's true. You used to be a captive audience to a certain extent to every genre, everything.

And then sometimes you'd be exposed to it and like it. Now, everything's segregated. I'm sure you never turn on a station where there's any risk of you hearing a metal song. Do you have satellite radio? No, I listen to classic rock stations, and they play the old metal. Do you have Sirius? No, I don't have Sirius.

You do not be on Sirius. You have a show on Sirius. They didn't give it to you? It's a subscription for free? That's part of the deal. Nah, nah. I could ask for that. I could ask for that.

We didn't get it free. But it's still things that are popular, you'll still hear of. I don't watch Game of Thrones, but I've heard of it. I mean, if you listen to him talk, you can tell he doesn't listen. He's just like, now when this young man, Billy Joel, sings, even the cadence of your voice doesn't sound like you ever liked metal in any way. No, I certainly like a lot of ACDC stuff. I was never into metal.

I like Led Zeppelin a lot, but they're not really considered metal, right? No, they're hard rock. Like Black Sabbath was metal. Deep Purple was metal. But I was a hairband guy. Richie Blackmore

was an amazing guitar player. Phenomenal. I love a good skid row. I liked Rainbow. He went to Rainbow. Yeah, Rainbow. But I was like one of those pop metal guys.

I liked Whitesnake. Yeah, the hairband. I liked all that. And then, you know, when they got real metal. But I like listening to you and like Eddie Trunk talk about metal

like I liked your show I don't know for some reason it was fascinating because it was a whole other world and he's so knowledgeable about a gym

I'm pointing to there's no reason to know all that stuff either I know but it's cool but that was another thing like growing up like strict Catholic not masturbating

not getting laid so I would just listen to this stuff. And I had the album in my room, and I would study all the liner notes and knew every guy that was in a band. And when this guy left, this guy was in there. Because I had nothing else going on on a Friday or Saturday night. So that's how I – Eddie Trunk had the same childhood. In high school. I didn't know him then, but he's like, yeah.

I didn't go to the parties either. I'm like, yeah. Well, why didn't you go to the parties, Jim? I was – First of all, you're a good-looking man. That's number either. I'm like, yeah, I was. Well, why didn't you go to the parties, Jim? I was. Yes, first of all, you're a good looking man. That's number one. I had a bad mustache when I was like a three and a half in high school. But you went to high school in Jersey.

I did. So you couldn't have been the only mustache. Well, then I went to a private school in Florida. We moved to Florida. So I had no friends. Oh, that's interesting. Are you still a Catholic? No.

No. No, but my son's got to do, like, he's going to be in first grade next year. And this whole thing, does he go to, like, CCD, it's called. If you don't go to public, if you go to public school, then you have to take, like, an hour class of religion once a week for eight years. CCD until your confirmation. Yeah, and I'm just like, I don't know if I want to do that. So I'm on the fence about that. All my neighbors, the kids are going to go, like, you have to.

I'm like, I could tell him the Ten Commandments. He just learned the Ten Commandments. I'm like, just don't be a dick. There you go. There's your religion. Well, is the baby mama Catholic? You're right about that. Baby mama doesn't care.

She's not in the picture with that stuff. So it's you that's, you still have some perhaps lingering or not. You have no lingering kind of sense of Catholicism. No, you know, I bought into that for a long time. It screwed me up for a while. Catholics are very resentful very often of Catholicism. Yeah, because you grow up feeling like you're just the biggest piece of shit, and then you realize, wait a minute, I'm not.

Do you grow up believing that you're going to go to hell? Yeah, absolutely. That's why I didn't touch my dick until I was 21. Because you're going to burn in hell. Yeah. And you can't go those years back, Jim. You can't get them back, I know. There was a lot of hot chicks in high school that wanted me, but I was like, I don't know.

I want to go to hell. I always preferred church to temple. Because of that, it seemed much more entertaining that you would burn in hell. Or fire and brimstone. But fire and brimstone, you know, I've never been in a fire. So, although it sounds scary, it wouldn't scare me nearly as much as if they said it was an eternity of gastroenteritis. Because that I have experienced, and you sure can bet that I would not touch my penis if I thought that that was at stake.

Oh, my God. At Passover, we read the story of Passover. Can you imagine an eternity of food poisoning? And we get the part about the burning bush, We read the story of Passover. Can you imagine an eternity of food poisoning? And we get the part about the burning bush and how it burns, but it doesn't, I mean, there's a flame, but the bush doesn't burn. And my son's like, that's like Johnny the Human Torch from Fantastic Four. He says, the Human Torch is God.

Johnny Storm is God. And Manny's like, now he's convinced that Johnny Storm from the Fantastic Four is God because he can burn, but he doesn't actually burn down. I don't know. I thought it was pretty clever. It actually makes a lot of sense. And Manny is also three, by the way. He's three, yeah. Yeah, Noam obviously is very proud of...

What have I stumbled upon here? Well, Noam, you can sit down, Steven. I mean, no, this is... Noam, you can sit down. Steven? Take mine if you want. I mean, no. This is Ben Bailey. You're not obligated to join us, by the way, Ben. I'm happy to.

What are we doing? Speaking of heavy metal, Ben... I feel badly. I just chased the guy out. No, don't worry about him. He's our booker who's not technically

part of the show. He's expendable. Okay, okay, cool. Ben decides to all of a sudden be in a Black Sabbath tribute band at a later age in life. And all of a sudden he's like, and he knows everything about Black Sabbath. I went over to his house and watched him play.

It was awesome. Thanks, dude. I want to go to that thing. It was midlife crisis, for sure. But you weren't into it when you were a kid, right? I wasn't into it, but I wasn't allowed to listen to it. My buddy, who's actually the drummer in my Sabbath band, he got into it. And his mom and my mom are good friends.

And my mother said, no Ozzy Osbourne in the house. This, by the way, is comedian and Cash Cab host Ben Bailey. Thanks, Dan. Well, I just want to make sure our audience knows that. All my favorite people are here. Is that because of the eating rats? I don't know. She thought he was a devil worshiper.

He had an upside-down cross on one of his records, the first one he had a cross, and then he bit the bat's head off and the dove. So, like, in the early 80s, he was like the devil. He pissed on the Alamo and got arrested. Imagine if she had known about him writing his name in shit on the wall of a Beverly Hills hotel. His own, by the way. Didn't he try to kill his wife? Yeah, that was an incident.

Maybe. Maybe. He sort of half tried to kill But they're still together They're still together For like 40 years Sharon was like, it's alright It's fucking Ozzy Oh, that was Sharon?

He tried to kill her? Sharon was like, you know what? I could kick your ass, Ozzy If I had to You've met him, right? You must have met him Yeah He's together?

Yeah Yeah, you know When he was on that show He just He walks around like a bumbling fool when he was on the Osbournes. But no, he's got it together and stuff. Do you feel like that was played up some? Maybe.

But supposedly he was on this weird medication. They thought he had Parkinson's or something. So they had him on all this crazy medication when he really didn't have it when he was going through that stuff, too. I met him, too. I met him at—I feel like I'm bragging. But I met him after the Daytime Emmys. He was there because Sharon was nominated. And I thought he was very together, man.

He was just talking to me about the album, 13, which was new at the time. It got good reviews. It was their first number one album in the U.S. Ever, yeah. Ever. And I thought he was very clear, but he was clean and sober then. Ben, did you grow up Catholic? No. Okay, I was thinking maybe. Are you from Jersey clean and sober then. Ben, did you grow up Catholic? No.

Okay, I was thinking maybe. Are you from Jersey, Ben, as well? I'm not from Jersey, but that's basically where I grew up. When did you first start masturbating? How are those things related? Well, we'll get to it. We'll get to it. You guys were talking about that before?

Jeez, I don't know. As soon as I've... Early on? Right when I popped out. I don't know, man. Maybe 12? All right, see, I thought you were Irish Catholic. I think you had. I don't know, man. Maybe 12? All right, see, I thought you were Irish Catholic. You had that whole thing going on, too.

12, 13. He was 21. He was 20. Can you believe it? You were 21 when you started masturbating? Yeah. How are you not like a Nobel Prize winner? All that time he would have had.

If I had been able to focus on anything else. No, but get this, Ben. He was banging before that. Oh, is that this, Ben. He was banging before that. Oh, is that right? Yeah, I was banging before that. Oh, it's just because you're such a stud. You were getting laid. How is that possible?

One day you're like, oh, wait, I could do this to myself. I didn't know. That's unbelievable. That's crazy. I've never heard anything like that before. Yeah, it was right before I was 18. You would have. If you were in my high school, you would have cleaned up.

I mean, the competition was not exactly stiff. But I don't know what the guys looked like in your high school. But Jim, a young, I mean, he's a good-looking man, but certainly a young Jim Florentine.

Jim Florentine has that voice. With the voice? When he was 12, he had that voice. Yeah, but it was cracking like I had a frog on my throat and that was weird. You know, you're weird

and you're an introvert. But yeah, but the competition was me. The only thing I knew about growing up was pro wrestling and pro wrestling and heavy metal. So if I started talking to some hot chick about, I think Judas Priest might be breaking up, she's going to be like, get this weirdo away from me. And that's all I knew.

She's like, Rob Hoffert's gay. Yeah, I'd be so mad at her. I'm not talking to you anymore. It seems like the girls always liked those type of guys. Jim, you were a DJ at a strip club, weren't you? Yeah. I'm really thinking about this not masturbating

thing. I don't believe it for one second. You're 17 and you're like Pryor says, you're harder than times at 29. You really... Harder than what? Harder than times at 29, right? Like, you really... Harder than what? Harder than times in 29.

That's what Pryor says. Times in 29? Yeah. My dick was harder than times in 29 during the Depression. Oh, those were hard times. Yeah, those were hard times. Not my joke. Richard Pryor.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, what with the crash? Is this an exercise in self-discipline? Like, you want to do it, but you're like, no, I can't do this. No, I think I just blocked it out. Like it wasn't even a disguise. I mean, I would look through dirty magazines. We'd always get them at like garage sales.

We'd go in the woods and we'd look at all the Hustler and Penhouse. And still not masturbate. No, I'm not masturbate. You know, me and my buddies and stuff. But the first girlfriend I had, I had sex with her first time. We put a condom on. I came in and I didn't even know what the hell it was. It freaked me out. I went in the bathroom. You didn't know what the liquid was? This is amazing. No, I had sex with her first time. We put a condom on. I came in, and I didn't even know what the hell it was. It freaked me out.

I went in the bathroom. You didn't know what the liquid was? This is amazing. No, I didn't. And then, you know, and then once I started having sex, I'm like, this is amazing. And then. Yeah, it sucked living back then in a way because, like, I had the same, not the sex, but I, you know, was masturbating.

And then, like, I remember, like, when I was 15 or 16, nobody told us anything. I thought I was diseased. And I called up. Because you ejaculated? Yeah. And I was like, geez, nobody told us anything. I thought I was diseased. And I called up like a... Because you ejaculated? Yeah. And I was like, jeez, I got to stop doing it. You called a hotline?

And I'm Jewish. There was no Catholic guilt. I called a hotline for masturbation to see if there was a problem with me. There was a hotline for masturbation? Yeah. I came and I think I'm dying hotline. You didn't know the facts of life at 15?

No, my dad just told me, never in the ass and hide your wallet. That's all he ever said. I think the facts of life at 15? No, my dad just told me, never in the ass and hide your wallet. That's all he ever said. I can understand the wallet, but why not in the ass? He's very uptight. Nobody told me anything. We had to go to see pornos in the movie theater. I have to change my answer.

I knew what it was. I have to change my answer. It was earlier. I remembered. I think I was more it was. No, I have to change my answer. It was earlier. I remembered. Yeah. I remembered a time. I think I was more like nine. Not 12, nine. Before you get ejaculated, right?

No, no, the first time I figured out that I could make stuff. Well, the first time anything ever came out for me was 17. I had a very late adolescence. So you would do it, but nothing would come out? Nothing would come out, but shame. Just a little shame. Isn't there still a little bit of

shame in it? A little sadness. I thought that because I had taken, unlike you, I had paid attention in 9th grade health class, but I thought that, so I knew that, you know. How do you know Jim didn't know?

Well, because he didn't know anything about it. Maybe he didn't have health class. But I thought. I had heavy metal 101. Yeah, I did. I assumed that it started off like a little came out, then a little bit more. You know, as you develop. And by now, you'd just be coming for days on end.

But like puberty is gradual. You get a little bit of hair. You get a little bit more hair. But ejaculation It's like an on-off switch On-off It's like Is that Seinfeld's

Repair a car bit? But it's like It came all at once Like all of a sudden One day nothing came out And the next day A full load came A full

So that was a surprise to me But I knew what it was Did you call The masturbation hotline? No I knew exactly He called just now It was busy. Dave, I have a story of my own.

You're not going to believe this. It's sad in a way. I think I got it from you. I would prefer my kids grow up. Now, by the time they're 10, they're probably going to see full-blown hardcore intercourse on the internet. There's no way to keep it from them.

Just no way. That's not good. I'm not happy about that. Especially my daughter. I don't want her. You really think there's no way at all to keep it from them?

No, because they'll take it away. By the time they're 10, all they're going to do is go over to one friend's house. All you need is one friend. I knew things were different

when I was at Disney World and I walked up to this podium thing. It was Epcot Center. I walked up to this podium thing with TV screens in it and there was just a hardcore anal going on on one of the screens.

A kid had hacked the thing and just put this video on replay. And there was this level four alert through the park. How long did you watch for? Until the police came. Oh, this is fun. I got to go around the corner and tell stories, man. I didn't mean to crash.

No, I'm kidding. I'm coming over to that show. Okay, cool. I had a friend. He had one magazine, and every time we would look at that same damn magazine. That's all we had was his one magazine. Good practice for marriage. But, you know, times have changed, obviously.

I don't like it. I mean, basically, did your parents talk to you about sex? Did you know? Yeah, I knew it all. See, us, three out of four had no idea. Our parents didn't say anything. We were basically on our own. All me, you, and Dave.

Yeah, just ninth grade health class, you know. Yeah, but that's not helpful. With Pete Samperis. And that ninth grade health class is not going to tell you about masturbation. They just will skip it.

No, they told Mr. Jangle. Mr. Jangle told us about masturbation. Mr. Jangle did. Mr. Jangle told us about masturbation. Nobody told us. That's what they call

Mr. Jangle, huh? Yeah, yeah. And then they brought in some guy when we were in sixth grade to teach us about sex, and he said, I'll never forget it because it really messed me up, that the penis had to get close enough to the vagina.

Close enough. So then I started hugging, like, my mom or other girls like with my, you know, like a way, because I was afraid I was going to get them pregnant, because he only said it had to get close enough. And that messed me up. If he had just said you've got to put it inside,

it would have been really helpful. I wouldn't have believed it, by the way. Because Dave just gave me a close hug like an hour ago when I first saw him. You know that we know that children are reaching puberty earlier and earlier now.

And one of the more credible theories as to why is that because kids are seeing so much sexual content so much earlier, it's activating puberty earlier. And it makes sense. I mean, even if you're a kid and you're watching, like, you know, we used to watch the Dick Van Dyke show. Certainly they were sleeping in separate beds. Now you watch the Big Bang Theory, and any kid would watch the Big Bang. It's on at 8 o'clock at night. It's technically a family show, and all they do is talk about coitus and sex. No, it sure does.

A couple bands. I love it. There's a couple rock bands that I got my son into. My son's into music, too, and they got girl lead singers. And he whipped his penis out. He's like, Dad, look how big my penis is. It gets really big when I watch these girls. And that didn't happen when I was growing up.

Maybe I got an erection looking at a dirty magazine, but there was nothing visual to watch. I remember as a kid, the older kids, we were watching Happy Days as a family in front of the TV

and all the family and stuff like that. Pinky Tuscadero. That was, yeah. She used to babysit me. What? With Roz Kelly. I heard she's crazy.

Or she was. She was a waitress at my father's place. Oh, is that right? And then she babysat me. I don't know if I discussed this on a previous episode, but when I was really young and the older kids were talking about having big penises, I would be like, I wouldn't admit that I didn't know why that was important.

I would sort of play along like, yeah, yeah, I got a big penis too. But I was like, why would you want a big penis? I don't remember anybody saying that. Because I just thought a penis was something you aimed urine with. Those are two things I didn't know why they were important. Oil and big penises. But I knew the adults thought it was very important. All right.

Anyway, Jim, thank you for sharing. The hour is up. You want to give your, like, Twitter thing? Yeah. I got a podcast, Comedy Metal Mood. It's on Riotcast, right? Yeah, it's on Riotcast. We're on the same network.

Every Monday, yeah. And then I have a show on Ozzy's Boneyard on Sirius every Thursday from 5 to 7. It's a hard rock show. What's your take on the Kevin Brennan Riotcast debacle? I love Kevin,

but he's a maniac. He's a maniac. I love him too. No, yeah. Look, the thing with podcasts is you got to be patient. There's not going to be love him, too. No, it's, yeah, it's just, I don't, look, the thing with podcasts is you gotta be patient. There's not gonna be money in the beginning. I've been doing this since 2011. I just started making money recently.

You know, whatever, you just gotta keep doing it and doing it and be patient. I understand that. I know, well, that's what you have to do. It's like when you do comedy. If he uses the word paywall one more time, I'm gonna punch him in the face. It's like when you do comedy,

you're not gonna start making $500 a night when you're doing gigs. You're gonna make $25, $10 free. My very first time I ever got paid was with Jim. I don't know if you remember. It was like in 1995. And we did a show in Jersey. But the show got canceled, but we both got like $25.

So you don't remember. That was the first time I ever got paid to do comedy. Although I didn't do any comedy. But Kevin did actually. It was worse because he started just asking the fans to send him money and keeping 100% of it, not sharing it with the network or with Lenny. He was like, you can be in the audience

if you give me 250 bucks. I own the studio, right? And I don't get any money for it. I'm like, well, if he's fucking selling access to the studio, maybe he should share it with everybody. It's just odd to be in show business for 30 years and not know how it works yet. Like that it takes time to grow a podcast.

Yes, but he's also, you know, as we all are, we're not spring chickens anymore. He's always been like that. The desperation starts to sink in, I suppose. No, no, no. He's always been like that, but there's nobody funnier, right? No, he's amazing. Nobody funnier is a strong statement. He's pretty good. He's pretty good.

He's quite funny. I mean, he is so Kevin Brennan. He's not derivative of anybody. He's so unique. And I think we all respect that the most, someone who's just like... I respect consistency. I did his show Monday, so I told him.

I like consistency. He's been a dick since the day I met him. What's the Sarah Silverman story you told me? Oh, right. He took her virginity, Sarah Silverman's virginity, and when she was just a young, naive kid, she thought Kevin was her boyfriend, and she's like,

you really shouldn't talk to your girlfriend like that. And he goes, you're not my fucking girlfriend, you dumb cunt. And so then 30 years later, she's writing her book, and she emails Kevin and goes, Hey, do you mind if I tell that story about when he said that to me? He goes, I don't give a shit what you do, you dumb cunt. And that book would have helped him. He's like, fuck, who do I care?

Got to respect it. All right, Dan, you want to say goodnight? Well, also, you can see David and I and the Godfather on them. And Gnome. Can you actually do me a favor? May 9th. I asked Dave. There's certain lines.

It's not just you. That need to be delivered as the movie. That's part of what's funny about them is just that everybody knows the movie. Unfortunately, I'm not the crazy Godfather maniac. But if he puts an asterisk on three or four lines, which would apply, will you? Of course, I'm a team player. As Dave knows, when he tells me to do something, I do it. You can't go, Mo, you don't come to Las Vegas

and talk to a man like, you got to say Mo. He's not going to do that line. That's Greg Rogel. You have to say it the way it is. It's the Godfather. We'll get there, Pop. I do what I'm instructed to do by Dave Juskow.

He doesn't tell me to do anything differently than I've been doing, so I don't. Dave is not the best director because Dave wants to be liked. Well, Dave, you have... I don't want to make the comics angry. You have my permission to tell me if you need a line delivered. But he fumes after.

He's fuming after these shows. There's only a couple times where I've asked you to do me if you need a line delivered. But he fumes after. He fumes after these shows. There's only a couple times where I've asked you to do it, and you always forget. No, well, but again, I say. It's better when we gang up. Again, I say I'm not a nutty Godfather fan. I enjoyed the movie when I saw it many years ago. I prefer Goodfellas, to be quite honest.

I would just think if I was starring in a parody of The Godfather, five different chapters of it. I might sit down and watch The Godfather. You might. You might. You might, but if you were... I just might. You might, but you probably wouldn't because nobody else is.

And the fact is we're not, you know, we're being paid a very small amount. Oh, really, Dan? So now we're back to the Kevin Brennan stuff. Yeah, yeah. He's not getting money. I mean, we come and we do it. We're happy to do it for Dave.

My father would have smacked you for saying that. We're happy to do it for Dave, but... My father would have said, if you're going to do it, do it. If you don't want to do it, then don't do it. But if you do it, you do it right. You don't do it less right because you're not getting paid more. It's fun, though, isn't it? We have a good time, but I'm not going to, like, you know,

watch The Godfatherfather especially for this. Jews. Okay. I'll say it because Jim is thinking it. Good night, everybody. Jim is not thinking it. Jim is so not racist, he didn't even cross his mind. I'm stopping it.

You can stop it, but I'm continuing the discussion off mic.