The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Joe Kashnow, Keith Robinson, Jon Fisch, and Mehran Khagani

Episode Date: March 30, 2018

Joe Kashnow is a Baltimore-based standup comedian. He was injured by a roadside bomb in 2003 while serving in the armed forces in Iraq, and subsequently underwent a below-knee amputation. Keith Robinson, Jon Fisch, and Mehran Khagani are New York City-based standup comedians. They may be seen regularly performing at the Comedy Cellar.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. My name is Noam Dwarman. I'm the owner of The Comedy Cellar. I'm at the back table at The Comedy Cellar. Dan Natterman is not here tonight. However, sitting in Dan's chair is Mr. John Fish, in the neurotic Jew chair, as he said it. Thanks, Noam. It's great to be here in Natterman's seat. Also, my boss from SiriusXM, Jason, is here.

Your boss? You don't have no boss. You're the boss of all bosses. When this show gets canceled, who's going to deliver the news? Me. We're in our fifth season? Yeah, we've been doing it for a while. You guys kept us on for five. We outlived Tom Papa. We outlived

everybody. Tom Papa stinks. Tom Papa still has this show? Why does Papa still have this show? Anyway. Okay, and we're joined by Keith Robinson. What's up? Keith hasn't been on the show.

This is the truth. I guess we can talk about the last time Keith did this show. No, last time Keith was scheduled to do this show, he canceled on me. I thought he was malingering, but actually that was the day that he had his stroke. No, I had a stroke after I did the damn show. Oh, it was after you did the show. Yes, I was so upset. Boom.

It's your fault. It's the show's fault. You were talking about black and white issues, and it almost upsets me. So Keith is back from the stroke. We have Mehran, who I can't pronounce your last name. Kegani. I can't either.

Kegani. Just say it real fast. That's what you do. Remember to pronounce me. You know, Keith introduced the bridal party at my wedding. Yeah. And he just abused every single name. Just, he got every, it was, and you know, he's so vain, he wouldn't even put his glasses

on. It was just pathetic. Anyway. And our special guest is Joe Cashnow. Is that? Cashnow. Cashnow is a Baltimore-based stand-up comedian who was injured by a roadside bomb

in 2003 while serving in the armed forces for us, right? In the American armed forces. In the armed forces in Iraq. It's going to be French, but I'm not from there, so it didn't really make sense. And subsequently underwent a below-knee amputation.

I didn't know that. Can I look? Yeah. Can you look? Amazing. Sure enough, he's got a prosthetic down there. And a service dog. And a service dog to help me walk around. Now, you can bring that dog anywhere.

Right. That's awesome. It's like propagating. Everybody's got a service dog now. Yeah, yeah. But they're all emotional support. That's got to bother you, right? A little bit. It should bother you. It bothers Chico

because he had to go to school for two years to be allowed to go out in public, and these dogs just have to get a vest. Ah, what's the training? I know this is not, we'll get to it, but what is the training, what do they teach him for two years? They taught him how to... What kind of stuff can he do for you?

Be honest. He can walk next to me and keep me balanced. He's like a little portable railing. He can help me get off the floor. He can help you get off the floor? Yeah, he can take all of my weight on his... Can he sniff bombs? Well, the thing about Chico is after I got him,

because of my law enforcement background, I wanted him to be a little bit more of a decent service animal. So I had him learn the command find the bomb, because we can't be too careful in today's world. I had him learn the command find the drugs. And that's just because that stuff's expensive and I'm tired of paying for it.

That's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No one's like, is he for real? Thank you. I think I'm going to have you just come with me at every show. When I do a punchline, go, that's funny. You should have laughed.

Can I be honest? When I was thinking about it, I was like, he's an amputee. And Keith has his. And I was trying to see how I could connect. What? I'm not an amputee. No, but you have a. My penis just don't work.

Yeah. Okay, I will tell you this. You haven't tried Viagra? Yeah. Has he tried it? Take a bottle of that. That shit's just amazing. He keeps them in business.

I almost had four heart attacks after taking that shit. It speeds your heart up right after somebody was telling me. So listen, but this is interesting to me. And then I want to hear about your stand-up comedy thing. You know, the littlest thing will knock me off my game. I'll become depressed. You're still there, John, right?

I'll become depressed over nothing. And I've known people through my life. I had a friend, Sean Jamel, who was diabetic. And then you, and you're dealing with the amputation. Let me ask you this. It seems to me that you guys always keep a cheerful disposition. If I were Keith and I was struggling with the uphill climb that he's struggling with, I think I would have put the car on and gone to sleep in the garage by now.

I wouldn't call him cheerful either. He is cheerful. I am very cheerful, but I want to know this because I'm not too cheerful now. What? Am I on a handicap show? Apparently you are. I didn't know that. No.

So I am interested. And Mehran, actually, you're right because Mehran has only one testicle. That's true. Yeah. Do you get the full parking space? I can't blame him. I can't wait to find out what I have. Do I get a dog?

No. What do I have? And you have mental illness. Okay,'t wait to find out what I have. Do I get a dog? No. What do I have? And you have mental illness. Okay, great. And you're hairless. Well, Ron gets a goldfish. That's it. A service fish.

A service fish. A service fish. And that's me. That's you. So, Joe, honestly, how do you keep, like, how much does it bother you? Do you think about it? Like, tell me about it. What is the psychological

headwind of your situation? Psychologically, it is pretty tough losing a limb. I think that's pretty obvious. How long did it go before it was on your mind 100% of the time, like, crowding out every other thought?

That had to be for a long time, like, all you could think about is, oh my god, oh my god. Well, I read your bio, and you had you were rehabilitating for two years, right? Right. It was about 18 months of limb salvage after I was injured before we decided to amputate. The Jew does his homework. Was there also

psychological help in that? There was a little bit. I got to meet with a peer amputee counselor, and obviously I was evaluated by the Walter Reed staff many times. Most of that was my fault. Did he offer you drugs, any sort of drugs, depressant drugs? Well, no. See, the thing is, they gave me so much drugs that I let them cut my foot off. And I apparently will do anything for Demerol. That's what it equals.

So there was some question whether or not the amputation was required, or is that just a joke? Well, no, the amputation wasn't required. But the leg that I had, I had no function out of. And even with a little bit of function on a prosthetic, I was better off. You're better off with it. But I'm better off. I have a lot of function with the prosthetic.

I'm able to do quite a bit. It's been like 10 years that you've had the prosthetic now, no? Yeah. And are you over it psychologically now? I mean, you probably get girls with the prosthetic. I have a feeling. If you got money, you get girls all the time. My wife tends to be really pissed when I do that.

Were you married before this happened? I was, actually. You were married before this happened? I was. And then divorced and then remarriedried Women are the best, right? Oh yeah When you blow off your leg You don't even think your wife might leave you

My wife's not going to leave me That's true Let me tell you something If your wife blows off her leg, Keith She's out of here She's out of here when she hits 40 I hate to say it But this is how men are

It's like It's a struggle for a man I mean you don't want to I don't even know I mean I like the thing I would stay But I'm just saying For women it's not even an issue

They are there They are going to stay They'll leave you for other things For not being supportive of them Or whatever it is that makes them upset, but you could gash a huge scar down your cheek. Yeah. Okay, that's my husband.

I don't know about that. I don't think you quite realize the benefit of the stump. I was thinking about that. Do you know what I was thinking about stump fucking? I was like, he's definitely a stump fucking. What about in your relationship? Would you leave? No, but we're open.

We don't have to do that. I wouldn't leave my husband. I would just fuck other people, which I already do. Oh, I'm not saying it, but gay marriage is an open relationship by definition. In our case, pretty much, yes. But yeah, so it's not that big a deal. Absolutely. I'm a gay man myself, and I'm very faithful.

You have no idea how many times I've tried I've spoken to around 15 gay guys I know about gay marriage And to a man everyone has said There's no fidelity Yeah yeah but nobody really cares There's like a core fidelity

But the fucking doesn't matter worth a lick The fucking doesn't matter You're not supposed to say that, are you? What do you mean? Is that bad that, you know... He's honest. Should I have said making love? No.

No, we can say that. It's, you know, it's 2018. We're very open. Yeah, I know, but I'm saying to just say that all gay men cheat. Isn't that... Sure, no, I wouldn't say all gay men cheat, and yet there's a tradition there, right? There's like a... But all gay men cheat. Isn't that... Sure, no. I wouldn't say all gay men cheat. And yet, there's a tradition there, right?

But surely all men cheat. Men cheat. So then all gay men, by extrapolation, would be... We make no bones about it, maybe. Maybe. Maybe a nice way to put it is that a man

is realistic about what he can expect from another man. Where women, they just don't get it. I think they also like, you know, it's tough to generalize about a gender, but I think women at the end of the day, they can't separate the emotion. It's much harder for them to separate the emotional from the physical. Yes. Given that it's like, it's an insertive process. But they have enough information, damn it, to know that we cheat. They have plenty of information to realize we cheat.

Sure. And right now we can say whatever we want because none of them are here to counteract it. If a woman just for five minutes somehow could see through a man's eyes with all the psychology of a man. She turned to stone. She wouldn't believe it. It's incomprehensible to a woman. If your dick started bleeding at 12, you would. All right.

All right. Jesus. Sorry. Patrice had that joke. That bit is the reason why he didn't cheat was because he knew how much it would affect his wife or girlfriend. Oh, Troy said he didn't cheat? No, at a certain point. In a bit.

Yeah, it's in a bit. Yeah, in a bit. Not everything in jokes are true. What's the joke? That of course he's cheating? No, that he doesn't do it because of that. What's the joke? I don't remember, but that's the premise of it. I think that was the joke? That of course he's cheating? No, that he doesn't do it because of that. What's the joke? I don't remember, but that's the premise.

I think that was the joke. You want to give him some horse shit that he told you at a table? No, it was a premise. It's on his special. It must be a joke somewhere in there. In that she believed it. For instance, don't get mad, Mehran. Rush Limbaugh. Uh-uh.

Rush Limbaugh. Oh, yeah. Now, listen. I'm mad already. I am no fan of Rush Limbaugh. You know that he's deaf. And a drug addict and, like, a mess. Why isn't he on this podcast?

I wish he were. So, you know, he's deaf. And he was the most famous, like, the most successful radio talk show in the country. And he lost his hearing. And he still manages to hack it out with a stenographer and cochlear implants, whatever it is. But the guy, whatever you want to think about, he's got this sunny disposition.

And even when he was going, I was like, how does he keep so fucking happy when he can't, and he's described his hearing, it's like just a whoosh of tinnitus, and he says, when he goes to speak to somebody, he can maybe understand 20% of what they're saying.

And he's just cheerful. Yeah. But you're seeing his public persona. You're seeing when he's out. That's true. You don't know what happens when he's on his own. Yeah, he goes home and beats his dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like multiple divorce.

It could be the drugs. They keep me cheerful, too. It could be the drugs, yeah. Can I ask which ones? Yeah. I'll take cheerful, too. It could be the drugs, yeah. Can I ask which ones? Can I ask which ones? Yeah. I'll take anything you got. What do you take?

What's your normal? Antidepressants. Like pot. Pot, yeah, for pain. Oh, you still have pain from the... Yes. They ask me when I have my stroke, the first thing, when you get a stroke, it's like you become in the system now.

Now it's in the system. And the drug dealers come as far as the pharmaceutical places, and they ask me that I want antidepressants. I'm like, I'm not depressed. They're like, well, you will be. No, I won't. That's exactly my point. And you never took them?

No. Okay. This is his disposition. You were born with this. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah, I'm not going to take it. For what?

I mean, shits and giggles because life is too long. No, I'm not. Life is too long. Life is long enough. I'll be like, damn. That's a good joke. That's why we make it. You know, you go like, damn, my arm is fucked up.

My leg is a little fucked up. It'd be all right. Uh-huh. It's just temporary. You see how the golden margin... I would not be able to recover. I gotta interrupt.

What's temporary here? I'm just wondering. If it's going to grow back, I'm excited. He's indicating towards his knee. It's temporarily like we're not going to live that long anyway. There was a Spider-Man movie. There was a Spider-Man movie where a man regenerated limbs, but then he turned into a crocodile.

By the way, Jason, do you want to chime in about anything? You don't have anything to say about Spider-Man? He's just waiting to fire you. I know. This is so nerve-wracking. Now I know how all my employees feel when I come over. Oh, my God. Come onwracking. Now I know how all my employees feel when I come over. They're like, oh, my God. Come on, man.

Just waiting for the right moment. How can a boss be scared of a boss? I'm scared of the boss. You're the boss of all bosses, damn it. I was reading the bubble over his head. Anyway, so were you a comic before the accident? No. And were you always a funny guy?

I thought I was. You thought you were. I thought I was. So the Washington Post did a story about you. I invite everybody to Google it. It's called On His Long Road Back From Iraq, Wounded Warrior Joe Crash Now Finds Healing on Comedy's Stage. And it quotes some jokes of yours.

Hey, did you hear the one about the soldier who drove over an IED in Iraq? He had a blast. Come on. I know. I know it's my turn to laugh. That was funny. Listen to me. Let me say this.

What did the soldier... Hey. That was funny. Listen to me. Let me say this. No more. I've had enough. What did the soldier think of the experience as he was transported to the hospital? It was a bomb. Come on, fellas. I get it. I get it.

Listen, we all have to find our corner of the market and ride that horse until it dies under our weight. That's part of the comedy game. That's not a response you want. I want to hear somebody just say, yeah, I get it. In fairness, I didn't tell it well. Let me try again. Anything to get your foot in the door. You know what I mean? Do you get it?

He's basically got five. Get off your phone, y'all. I'm reading that. Keith, you read. He lost his leg for our country? Who's got the best delivery here? Keith's got the best. You want to read the last one?

What is it? NY. You don't have your glasses. No, I don't have my glasses. Okay, can you read the NY? It starts with NY. You see it? It's the third joke.

I like how it wasn't even considered for the delivery. It says NY? NY. And why? Jesus Christ. Where? And why? And why?

And why did the soldier decide after losing a lower limb in combat to go into comedy? He'll have a leg up! Do you get it? It's a leg up! Listen. I told you I didn't tell it well. Just got to gain up. You got to scream it out.

Who writes those jokes at service dogs? In fairness, I hadn't heard any of those jokes at service stores? In fairness, I hadn't heard any of those jokes until I saw the article. And they're like, these are your jokes. I'm like,

no, I didn't write this shit. Oh, really? Those aren't your jokes? No, they're similar to some of the stuff that I do. But the how to blast joke is absolutely true.

So let me ask you a question. Now, be honest with me. Okay. Are you a good comic? I think so. Like, if I put you on tonight. Yeah. For five minutes.

I can do five minutes in Crush. No problem. I'm not going to have... Do I have to preface it with a no money back guarantee? Like, no refunds? Do I have to preface it with no refunds? It's going to be fine. No, I'm Jewish.

I'll tell him there's no money back. You're Jewish. Yeah, why don't you say so? Is that better for you? That's a horse of a different color. I thought it was somewhere in my autobiography. Somewhere. You just expect a military guy to be a blue state deplorable.

Not a Jewish. A red state deplorable. So listen, we're going to put you on then. Okay. Can we use the audio on the radio? Sure. You sure? Absolutely.

I want to wait until after. Yeah, we'll do it at the end of the show. I'm nervous now because this is the comedy cellar. I had a chance, actually. I performed here once before. I had a chance here in 2014. Who put you on then? I was put up.

You still want to fire that person? Somebody's going to get in big trouble. No, I did really well. They were thrilled with me. One of the producers from the documentary Comedy Warriors got me hooked up with a spot here. I was in New York for a different show. And it was a regular audience? Mm-hmm.

All right, so we'll see how it goes. Keith, are you going to go there and watch? Absolutely. Excellent. And so, yeah, if I'd known that you were Jewish, I would have told you. All right, so what else? What do you guys want to talk about? Trump, Keith?

What, Trump? I know you always got something. There's a lot of interesting. Do you know what this one has a lot of fun opinions about? It's gun control. Oh, you're pro-gun. Yes. You're pro-gun.

A little bit. After all that. I mean, I don't see, like, everybody's really pro-gun. Well, it's not like anyone shot his leg off. You know what I mean? I'm not pro-explosives. I'm very, very much supportive of the explosive limitations

for people. Give us your 60-second nutshell argument about guns and gun control and all that. Guns and gun control is very simple. We need to be responsible for our own security. We go outside. We need to be responsible for our own security. We go outside. We need to be the ones keeping ourselves safe.

Not the cops? Not the cops. That's not the cops' job. Actually, it is. No. I said the same thing. But what's a police officer's job? To respond after there's been a criminal...

To serve and protect. Yeah, that's what they put on their cars. But when they were sued... That's their responsibility. But when they were sued because they didn't prevent a murder, their response is very simple. The police's job is not to prevent crime. It's to respond to crime once it's taken place

and try and get it back into order. I actually do think, right, it's like public policy that should ideally be prevented. Well, let me cast his point in a less controversial way. Whether it's their responsibility or not, in practical reality, most of the time when you're going to be a victim of crime, it's too late. The cops are there afterwards to try to catch the guy after the fact. Very seldom will the cops show up just in time to prevent what happens to you. And you wouldn't want an omnipresent police, right?

Well, hold on. That's why they want police in the schools. Messy, right? Right. To prevent before, as a prevention measure. That's what they're there for. That's why they want them there. Okay, well, go ahead.

Maybe more as a deterrent than as a preventative. Maybe simply the presence of a police officer would limit the amount of armed robbery or... So you think that the average person would only be able to carry a concealed weapon in the city of New York? I don't know anything about the city of New York or the culture of guns up here, really, to speak on it. I'm from Baltimore. In Baltimore. But I don't think anybody should be allowed to carry concealed because concealed carry does not lower criminal event. Right, because it's for the same reason.

But open carry does lower criminal event. Should they be able to have open carry in public places? I think open carry should be a national standard. Right, but open carry in bars? You can't carry in a bar. I think open carry should be a national standard. Right, but open carry in bars? You can't carry in a bar. I'm asking. No, you don't carry where they're serving alcohol.

Okay, that's what I'm asking. Yeah, no, that's... Is that the law? Like, where there's booze, there are no guns? When I went to the police academy, they told me I wasn't to go into a bar unless I was on duty with a weapon.

How about at a demonstration? Like, Charlottesville? No. Open carry. Right? I mean, yeah, open carry. How about at a demonstration? Like Charlottesville? No. Open carry. Right? I mean, yeah, open carry. Tiki torch plus Uzi. I mean, wouldn't that give you pause?

No, it's a very interesting point. See, I'm very, very pro-guns for non-Nazis. I do want to stipulate that. I'm really anti-Nazi. I know that's really risky to go out and say that these days. Now the Jew comes out. Just saying.

That's all Nazis? That's it? That bothers you? Nazis are really the top of my issue list. Okay, but the rally of just at a general rally, how about the Million Man March with Farrakhan? Should they have an open carry thing there? Let me tell you the answer. No.

Million Black Panthers. Hell to the no. Well, that's what they had. You know, the only time they really had gun control was when the Black Panthers was stopping people with guns. Then your man Reagan as governor. My man. Your man. Your man.

Had it all stopped. That's what all the white people. Yeah, gun control. Because the black people have it. There's some logic to that. It's kind of his logic. Joe might be second guessing his answers because he doesn't want to lose the set that you gave him. So can you just make sure that he knows he's getting the set no matter what happens.

That set is ironclad. And by the way, I'm the conservative here. I'm not a pro-gun conservative. Let me tell you what I am, what no one else around here is. I haven't listened to anything with an open mind. That's true. I'm not judging you because you're going to say something I disagree with.

I'll say, well, maybe it's something I hadn't thought of. So you don't have to worry. Him, that's actually true. Him is worthless even to talk to him

so I don't even worry about it. What do you mean? Let me tell you, if you want to know what Keith thinks, just imagine what any black guy thinks and that's what he thinks. No surprises.

There's also a tough crowd, real. What do you mean, Bob? I wonder what Keith thinks about this racial issue. I wonder what Keith thinks about Colin Kaepernick. I wonder what Keith thinks about police brutality. Colin Kaepernick should be playing. All those horrific white quarterbacks that's playing,

Colin Kaepernick definitely should be playing. I wonder what Keith thinks about affirmative action. I do think. Hey, wait a minute. That's what people had against his dog. Other thinks about affirmative action. Hey, wait a minute. That's what people had against his dog. Other dogs had affirmative action. I do think the issue with Colin... He should be...

Hey, I wonder if Keith liked Black Panther. I liked it too, Keith. Let me call him. I really want to know what he thought. Wakanda forever. Wakanda. Wakanda's not a shithole country. One out of the box Keith Robinson opinion.

Here's one. OJ didn't do it. Oh, for crying out loud. For crying out loud. For crying out loud. But if he did... I don't even think he says he didn't do it. I don't understand. So go ahead.

What about assault rifles? Okay. That's the big issue now. What do you think about that? This is the reason why I'm not running for office. They should ban it. Listen, you're obviously reluctant to say what, I mean, it's not something you know your opinion. Don't just hold back saying it.

And very few people have as much right to their opinion. I mean, like, served in the military, lost a limb for this country. I served in the military. Oh, come on, please. I did. I mean, I serviced the military. I served in the military, in the Navy. I was in the Navy.

Really? So you were the branch that he was servicing. That's where I knew you from. In the Navy. I was in the Navy for one day. Hey, sailor. I still was there. What happened?

Well, I got out of the Navy. What the hell? So go on. AR-15s. Because this is a big issue now. AR-15s. Ban them. Why?

Ban them. No, you let them up the hook. Yeah. Why ban it? Okay. Okay. Because I'm bringing them into it. I'm bringing them into it a little better.

Okay, go ahead. Because no one needs it. No one needs an assault rifle. They should have AR-15s. You go to the place, like, you know how you rent bowling shoes? That's where you rent AR-15s, get

your fun off, shoot it, and give it the hell back, and then go home. That's a great idea. What makes an AR-15 more of an assault rifle than, say, a.30-06 with a 20x scope? You know what? You pissed me off. Go fuck yourself. That's exactly I'm saying.

That's exactly what I'm saying. Is that? Thank you for your service. Goodbye. I was looking at the dog before I said, go fuck yourself. Why don't you answer your own question? What's your point? We don't know the jargon of the guns.

No, it's a.30-06. Simply, it's a standard hunting rifle. Well, the answer is the velocity or the number of rounds it can shoot off. But that's not true. That's not true. That's not true. We have hunting rifles that have magazine. We'll put that in the same category then.

Well, yeah. The point is that— Get it at the bowling alley. How many shots can be fired from an AR-15 in a minute? Approximately. How many shots? How many aimed shots? That's a very different...

Answer it however you want. Scatter shot. I mean, because I could unload a magazine in just a couple seconds, but I wouldn't hit much. No, that's not true. If it's a big crowd, you could just mow everybody down. Sure, if it's a big crowd, you've got higher odds. Which is what these schools tend to do. So the point is that, now, listen,

it's a minuscule number of people who are killed by these things, but if we're just going to focus on that, the category of guns that can just mow people down, such carnage that by the time anybody has a time to respond, it's a historic tragedy. That kind of weapon, should civilians be able to get that kind of weapon? Don't the cons outweigh the pros in a situation like that? That's, I think, sorry, go ahead.

No, go ahead. I just think that's the ultimate thing, the last thing that Nolan just said is Do the cons outweigh the pros? I mean, you can say somebody wants it and they have the right to... How many people own an AR-15 that have used them in violent crimes versus how many people own them that haven't used them?

Probably 10,000 to one. Right. Or a little higher. So should those 9,999 people be punished because one person doesn't know how to use it? I'm going to give you another status. I read it today and I checked it. More people are killed with hands and feet

than are killed with rifles of all kinds in this country. Certainly more with rifles. Punched or kicked to death. My husband has incredibly long toenails. Incredibly long. He has actually... He's opened an artery. Those stats come up on NRA.

He reads NRA weekly No, no, no. He reads the NRA weekly. This is FBI stats. But this is the thing. But then the flip side of that to me is that even though the chance of getting shot with one of these rifles is for us is, you know, way probably less than getting hit by a bolt of lightning. But there is an asymmetrical aspect to it, like terrorism, where it's unbearable. Ten kids being shot in a school. Too much.

It's just, even though a thousand people may be shot, black people may be shot in Chicago. What do you keep pointing at me for? We're next. Just to shoot you. And by the way, that ought to be unbearable, too. It is unbearable. It is. But we don't react.

We react. We all react way more to ten children because there is something in us about children. When what? We react. No, you react when white children get killed better than you react when black children get killed. Except that when everybody got shot in that church, there was pretty strong reaction. And all the Latino queers in that club. There's no stand-up.

There's no outrage when there's a criminal event in the ghetto in Baltimore. But if something happens out in a white neighborhood and two kids get killed, there's going to be candlelit vigils all over the state. Yeah. He has a point. Hold that point. I'm finished with that point. I want to go to fucking police shootings next.

Okay. Hold that point. But my point is that. I'm angry. Not I'm angry. Not I'm finished with that point. I want to go to fucking police shootings next. Okay, hold on. Go ahead, continue. But my point is that... I'm angry. Now I'm angry. Now I'm mad. There is a cost to the nation just beyond the statistical number of people who were killed,

which is that these are scarring psychological events. Absolutely. And just like a small terrorist thing, or even 9-11, even though there's way more people, still the effect, it still lingers. To this day, we haven't gotten over it, you know? So to prevent that, some people say, well, what do you want to do that just to prevent? It's only like 20 deaths a year. No, it's way more than the 20 deaths a year.

It's fucking with us. So should we ban these assault rifles? I don't think that an outright ban of anything is a good idea. We've banned heroin for a long time, but it still seems pretty easy to get your hands on. Actually, the banning of it seems to exacerbate the problem. And when you look at cities where they've given people free access to marijuana, the opioid addiction rates dropped dramatically. There's a city where you can get free pot?

Certainly where it's deregulated and it's commercially available. No, no, but where it's free? We'll take care of it. I'm very Jewish. I'm very Jewish and you have gotten my word free. I don't believe it. I did, Fish. Show me a picture.

I will. It's actually Newsweek. Me walking in my heart when he got fired. Now you wanted to get to the shootings in the ghetto. Not in the ghetto. He said ghetto. I'm sorry. That's why I get mad as a black man when white people

try to deal with our problems. You're right. Not in the ghetto. I mean the bad black neighborhoods. Go ahead. Keith, you're black? What the fuck do you want from us? Go ahead. No, what I'm saying is, it's like this is what I noticed. Yeah.

When black people were complaining about law enforcement. Black people complain like this. White people complain like this. White people complain like this. Okay, I'm just kidding. John, why do you do that? Why do you do it? Go back to sleep, John. But everybody

loves Christmas. When that happens, like everybody was saying, well, you don't want them in your neighborhoods, you don't want the cops in your neighborhood. They were really going after black people for complaining about law enforcement. Now, and your boy Trump, this is where I get to Trump now. Oh, my God.

Your boy Trump, like he's complaining about nothing but law enforcement. The FBI is crooked. Mueller. This is crooked. That is crooked. And everybody said, yeah. They're not saying, well, do you need the FBI? Do you want the FBI?

Because his complaints could be valid. It may be a little valid, maybe not. But he had the right to complain about him. Black people were just asking for the right to say, hey, sometimes cops are doing things bad. And people made that seem like

such a bad thing, including Trump. And to himself was under the gun. Now he's like, oh, now I can talk about law enforcement. So the hypocrisy of the white man, that's what I'm saying, has always pissed me off. Okay, you want to add to that?

Go ahead. There is. So have you all watched this documentary that's on Netflix right now called Wild Wild Country? No. Have you heard about it? It's about the Rajneeshi cult that moved from India into Oregon to found a city in 1981. And very early into their moving there, first of all, you have to watch a documentary.

Six-parter. It's long, but it's super engaging. I hate to sort of break it. Your description is almost as long as a six-part documentary. God damn it. Jesus, I almost fell asleep. So when they first, god damn all of you. So they show up to like white, white Oregon,

and they're Indian and black, and they're all fucking, and they're all sort of culty. Is everything fucking with you gay guys? Yo, there's a lot of sex, King. There's a lot of penis. So they move in, and then in Boulder, they had a hotel which got bombed, and their response to it was to arm themselves to the teeth.

They got themselves automatic weapons. They formed their own police force, which is the Second Amendment. It's the idea of an organized militia, right? So that, and when you watch it, you're like, well, they were being attacked, and of course they should arm themselves. There were xenophobes everywhere.

They were walking around their little commune being like, we're going to kill these hippies. Like 1981 Reagan era. So they all armed themselves to the teeth. And when I watch that, I'm like, yeah, I mean, sure, there's the extent to which there was an imminent threat, and why wouldn't they arm themselves? Otherwise, there's no proportional deterrent.

They can just get bullied to death, and they're't they arm themselves? Otherwise, there's no proportional deterrent. They can just get bullied to death and they're not armed, right? What does that have to do with police shoot? He doesn't even remember what we were talking about. I do so. I've done a lot of acid, but I

still know what's going on. I'm tripping right now. You all have never looked more beautiful. The term fish and the person fish. You've got to break that down real quick. So go ahead. What does that mean? No, it's time for the boss check again.

Boss, how are you? How do you like the show? You want to give us feedback? You want to get like... So far, it could be funnier. In engaging discussion, I like the joke breaks. I like when something's funny and Mehran says, that's funny.

Okay, go ahead. So what does that do with black people? Armed black people. How would you feel? We've tried that before. Ronald Reagan took our guns at Black Panther Party. Do you want black people to have guns? Listen, clearly they are armed.

We do. We have guns. Have you ever gone to a hip-hop show? Why are the metal detectors there? Hell no. Are you kidding me? That's why they have to

put their hands in the air. Because they got metal hips. I used to go to Jamaican night at the, what was it? The Lion's Den. Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

What the fuck is that? Yeah, pop, pop, pop, pop, pow, pow, pow. What the fuck is that? Yeah, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. Oh, it's just cultural. Go ahead, sorry. So, Joe, would you be okay with black people being heavily armed? Just black people? No, so Keith, so listen, this is the problem. Yeah, I mean, if I were black, I would feel terribly torn because, yes, of course it's true.

We've seen it. The cops treat black people with an arrogance. Cops treat everybody with an arrogance. Yes. But I suspect... Disproportion. Well, I suspect it's partially, of course it's partially racism, but I also suspect it's partially... Don't say it.

Don't say it. Whatever you do, don't say it. That they're difficult. Don't say it. Don't say it. Hey, boss, what do you got? No, I suspect it's also possibly that when you live in a bad neighborhood, you get a lot of attention from the cops.

You resemble, quite often there's a description out there for someone who looks like this who committed a crime, and you get a lot of attention from the cops. You resemble, quite often, there's a description out there for someone who looks like this who committed a crime and you get pulled over. Look, the couple times that it's happened to me when I got pushed up

against the wall of the garage for some bullshit, I'm going to tell you, I was fucking incensed. I'm a little Jewish guy and he had me and he was rough with me, you know?

I like that. I like that. Tell me more. Talk slower. And he accused me of having a gun. Oh, yeah. Say it again. What did he accuse you of?

Of having a gun. Oh. And I said, wait. They don't listen to the podcast. I said, but I'm the owner of this restaurant. And he says to me, shut up. Oh, yeah. Do it again.

What did he say? Shut up. And I could feel his warm breath on my back. Back of my neck. If Keith could, he would have just came. In all seriousness, when you find yourself in a situation

where you are somebody's bitch, it's traumatic. I think that that's dismissed too often By people who haven't experienced it Or don't attempt to be empathetic But on the other hand Like in Baltimore or Chicago

People are getting murdered Going down like flies And the only person who can stop that The only people is the cops And the community So the community is terribly torn between Asking for more cops to stop the carnage and knowing that with more cops

they're going to deal with all this humiliation. Am I missing the problem? What you've got to deal with is the attitude of cops towards that community. So if they have a reckless attitude towards that community, like a guy just had his iPhone

out and they shot him. You know, it killed the guy. Right? The kid with the toy gun. There was like a 13-year-old kid with a toy gun. That's understandable. No, it's not. Not on a 12-year-old. It's never understandable. The kid was 10, 11, 12.

If I saw my white kids carrying around a toy gun, I'd say, put that away right now. You can get shot. I would not think of any color. You carry around a toy gun, I'd say, put that away right now. You can get shot. I would not think of any color. You carry around a toy gun that looks realistic. No, no. They don't do that with any color. We know that the Parkland shooter who killed 17 people lived.

They didn't shoot him. They didn't kill him. They had more regard for that life. Fair enough. But, Joe, you were law enforcement. At the door. Can you speak to that? Oh, you were the pig. Can you speak to that?

Oh, you were the pig. I mean, God. No, I was never actually officially a pig. I just went to their school. I graduated, and then I didn't quite, I guess, make the making cut. You never got to pass piglet. See, I can do this job, Jason. You see that? Tell Natterman to stay where he is.

I like John Fish better. Natterman is done. Yeah, if you like your Jews a little less chewy. That's so cute that you think that. There's a self-aware guy. My Zoloft dosage is less than Natterman's. Oh, you do take the pills, right? Yeah.

Oh, you take pills? I take pills. I think that... What is Zoloft? I take it for OCD and the depression that comes from it. You have rituals that you do? Yeah. Like what?

This is awesome. What kind of rituals would you do if you didn't have your pills? I mean, sometimes for high-pressure shows, I give myself the license to do them still. Sometimes if I have to tighten, my brain tells me I want to tighten one shoe or if it's not how I like it, I'll do the other one as well

for symmetry. But the worst of all... Yeah, come on. Spill it. I know you're holding back. No, I mean, that still happens. You don't get a prescription for your shoe tightening. I'm sorry. You tied two shoes? No, if I have to re-tie a shoe. No, I'm just trying to figure out why your other shoe comes untied. He's misdirecting us while he can try to think of something.

He has some real... You don't get a prescription unless you really got some issues. Well, actually, these days they'll give you a prescription. But you don't go and get it. Oh, I can't take this shoe tightening. I need pills. No, you got something real. Come on, spill it.

The worst, and I've been. Come on, spill it. I've been exploring it on stage, but when I used to pee, my brain told me that the dribble from my urine would stain my boxer shorts, so I would sprinkle my penis after every time I peed with water. From the toilet? No, from the sink. Yeah, from the toilet. Now you're talking prescription drugs.

Why don't you just dab? So all this time when you were going downstairs to the bathroom, you were taking water from the sink and splashing it on your fingers? No, not. I mean, it's one of the first things I worked on, so I haven't been doing that for years. For a year? For years.

Years. Wow. Yeah. That's some fucking problem I do that with other people's dicks When they pee I'll be like are you sure? Are you sure you're not dribbling? See what we're saying when we say Jews have problems too?

We know Jews have problems We know What do you think we didn't realize that? The unexpected outcomes from a few Errant synapses of something in the brain, there's so much weird or, forgive me, whatever, you know, abnormal, I don't know what the word is, but there's so much behavior in the human repertoire. Who would ever think that somebody would have that issue?

Whoever thinks, the drug companies. That's it. That's true. Who thought, yeah, they must have studied this because they had a drug form. Hey, a guy that think that's jackass think that his pee is. Now, tell the truth, Keith. Give him up. Keith, tell the truth.

When you hear this kind of story, the bubble over your head is saying white people's problems. Come on. No, Jewish people's problems. Come on. No, Jewish people's problems. Can you imagine any black guy? Like, I don't even think there's a black psychiatrist. Nobody black goes to therapy, do they? I don't go to therapy. I know a small handful.

Yeah, a handful. This is actually what we brought here. You should go to therapy. Roy Innes, Jason Riley, which black guy's go to therapy? To go to therapy here? black man and black woman. Maybe Michael Steele, the old R&C guy. Oh, the others. What's his name?

Jay-Z's not going to therapy. I don't think so. Maybe they need, I don't know. I think there's a simple, a different type of therapy once you're worth more than a billion dollars, though. Sure, sure. What's that therapy? That's when you just own everything.

And that makes you feel better. All right. Money therapy. You're getting me nervous about this set coming up tonight. Do the set. Do the set. Do the set. He's going to do it.

Go ahead. Go ahead, man. I was going to ask you what painkillers you're on and how you handle that. Because the opioid crisis, that ahead, man. I was going to ask you what painkillers you're on and how you handle that, because the opioid crisis, that's another thing. I've been opiate-free for six years. Was it good while it lasted? Not really. Bummer.

The only one I was hooked on was Excedrin. That's not an opiate. No, no, listen to me. Excedrin took it off the market for a while because it had some painkiller shit in it. Like a codeine-y moment? Yeah, it had some stuff in it. It had to take it off, but I was wondering why.

I was like, I got to have Excedrin. I was hooked on Excedrin. These painkillers are insidious. I did have an experience. I badly scratched my cornea one time. Yeah. And it was very, very, very painful. And they gave me codeine.

And one wasn't enough. And I began to take two at a time. And it lulls you into this, like, you're floating. So much. And it was awesome, you know? Yeah. And by the end, when I got through the bottle, I had a little withdrawal symptoms.

Is that when you kept yelling at your band? No And I could totally But then my eye got better And I'm telling you if that condition had stayed with me For like 3-4 months You would have scratched the other one On the other side of that I don't know if I would have been able to stop

100% Yeah I got a nose job I took 100mg of oxycodone a day I knew it You got a nose job. I took 100 milligrams of oxycodone a day. I knew it. You got a nose job. I fell seven feet and broke my nose. I fell seven feet in my sleep from a loft bed. We're Jewish. We've heard all these excuses.

I'm telling you, it really happened. It really happened. It really happened. It doesn't look like they did much. He tripped in the gay bed. Every jappy girl in my high school class fell seven feet. I fell seven feet. Yeah, exactly.

What the fuck? So when you lose the leg, it hurts like the Dickens, right? Or did it not hurt at all? You don't feel it at first, right? Well, not like the moment it comes off, because you're still kind of sleepy. Sure. Because you're... No, I mean, when the injury happened at first, you feel it then? When the injury first happened, my leg went numb right away.

And I didn't have pain set in until... When I was injured. My truck commander helped me out of the vehicle and laid me down on the road or on the side of the road. And he knelt down next to me and my foot was resting against his thigh. And I didn't have any pain issue until he stood up and my foot flopped over. Both bones had been split. That's what I love. That's what I need to hear about.

And why does it still hurt now? Is that just a psychological thing? No, it still hurts now because I'm walking on the middle of a limb that was never meant to support weight. It was meant to bear weight. So it's not the pain of the injury now. It's a different pain. No, it's pain in the residual limb from use.

What you shift in order. Putting weight on it and in the prosthetic. You know, that's why my hip hurts sometimes Because this leg is Getting muscles back And now I'm leaning More on this side My hip hurts on this side sometimes

Because I'm putting More weight on it So it's something like that Have you tried using a cane? Because that could help balance your Fuck canes You want to get a dog? Because that's what I got when I was tired of a cane

I don't like dogs I get a sort of snake See this is why there's no pleasing black people The set is back on Ask me something else And tell me And how did you lose your testicle? My body cannibalized it after birth.

I was born with two, and then it just poof, went missing. It wasn't missing. Well, Mehran, we are so glad you are here tonight. We found it! Oh, my God! Mehran, this is your testicle. A dog has it. Yeah, no, they cut me open, and they looked for it,

and they didn't find anything. And then they... Wait a minute. They had to cut you open and look for your ball? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, maybe it didn't descend.

But then they opened it and they didn't find anything. You know they have technologies for looking inside the body without cutting it open. This is back in the day. I don't have ball detectors. I'm older than I look.

And then later on I got a prosthetic nut because it was when I was writing for Larry. I hated my job. Larry Summers, the former president of Harvard. That's right. And so they told me if I got this elective surgery that I'd be given money, time off, and painkillers.

So I said yes. And then I got a fake ball. You're a pretty smart dude then. I'm not dumb. He is the smartest dude cackling about cock on the stage in the world, all right? Thanks. Thanks. I'd like to think so.

You literally are. Yeah. It's highbrow genital humor. In sports, they have these very particular statistics. That's right. Smartest dick pic in America. Before you lost your bald, did you have to go to Balsam Fort?

Like a Balsam Fort? They gave me a bird instead of a dog. I had a service bird who would just sort of sit there in my underwear and look like another nut. And then that was how it supported me emotionally. And what happens when it bears weight? No, they kept dying.

The fake testicle is made out of saline or tears. It's soft to the touch? Yeah, I used to get shots at bars. I'd be like, fucking flick my nut. I'd be like, squeeze my nut. Oh, that's awesome. They'd be like, no way! Could you get one from like a dead person?

Like a dead person. They offered me my dad's role, and I was in the hospital, and I was like, what am I going to do with a 65-year-old nut? I was screaming. You were screaming? I know, imagine. Your dad was ready to lose a ball for you? What the fuck is he going to do with it? Wait, but he didn't know you were gay yet.

No, he didn't. I think if he knew. I think if he knew. If only he knew. It's been a Persian family. This is not a... Use this for good, not evil. He'll do it for grandkids, not for Larry.

Everybody knew. Everybody knew. All right. Final, more seriously, we're about out of time. Do you have anything to say about the way this country treats the veterans and the veteran administration and all the problems we're having? It's an entire cock-up. It's an entire what? It's an entire cock-up, the way veterans are treated.

And I think if people actually cared, they would be involved in the voting process and in getting something done. And if politicians cared, they wouldn't just keep talking about this and we wouldn't keep changing VA chiefs every few years. We would actually have some fucking change. Well, is it possible, because I think they do care. Is it possible, as far as I understand it, the only totally government-run health care system we have is the Veterans Administration. Is it possible that that's just a fucking bad idea? Yes. Because it's like motor vehicles

administering veterans' health care. Having the government solve problems is a very bad idea in general. And having the government be in charge of everything for veterans is a really dumb idea. Are there any proposals out there to introduce some accountability? Because the big problem is accountability,

you know? It's accountability, and it's also there are people who work at the Veterans Affairs who engage with patients, and every year they're rated on ten different things for their annual promotion, and only three of those actually have to do with how they see patients, and the other seven are

ways they save the VA money. So if you're looking to save the VA money, then you're're looking to save the VA money, then you're not also looking to pay veterans what they should be receiving for compensation based on their service. I think that most hospitals are really shitty because of the workers that they hire to be in these hospitals. They don't pay attention. The hospital care is shitty.

It's just not a good healthcare system. The few times that I've been hospitalized at private places as opposed to the military, I've been treated typically better than I was by the VA. Well, the VA is shitty for sure. Yeah, the VA is super shitty for medicine. And I have to believe that people do care forget about Trump President Obama I'm sure he cares he appoints somebody to take the job

I believe the person who takes the job goes in with the intentions of wanting to do this even if it's just to be the guy who did it I don't give a shit about the veterans I think they're worn down by the inertia of the problem. Part of it is the bureaucracy of making things change.

In order to fire somebody from the VA, it takes years and numerous egregious accounts to get somebody to lose their government job, which is a serious issue. Obama hired people who probably was the best. Trump hires like rappers hire. He hires his. Trump has a squad. He's killing me. My dad was the chief of optometry at the VA hospitals in Boston, and he cared a lot. He did,

you know, but it was a struggle to do. I had to have surgery. I had to have surgery on my leg. You're taking it for your dad. I had to have a limb revision in 2015. Come on talking about his dad's ball. Come on. Let the man have some respect. In 2015, I went out to L.A.

But hurry it up. To have my leg work done. And the doctor that helped me out also split his time out there with the local VA. So it's not that the VA doesn't have these doctors. It's they don't have the staff to take care of them. I was waiting two years to get surgery in Baltimore, and they never even got me onto a list of candidates who were waiting. By the way, last 30-second topic I read,

they're trying to pass a law now where a boss can't email or call his employee on their day off. Yeah. I did hear. Yeah, I did hear. Who the fuck is that? That's what they told you. Stop emailing me. What do you think about that?

I mean, it gives the people when they're off their actual off time as opposed to getting your mind back into work when you're at home. It's a nebulous, weird, and unenforceable thing, and it just allows for litigation with someone who's already litigious. It just gives another thing that they can bitch and get at you about. I'll be honest. It is interesting because I have very often told my managers, like somebody come up with an employee, and when the employee's

out of work, I say, don't bother them. They're not working. Have some respect for personal time so that when we do need to speak to them and it's important, they don't feel like, oh, what the fuck is this? Because it's easy for people to lose perspective on the intrusion.

On the other hand, to make it illegal seems nuts. It's got to work differently in the service industry because of scheduling and stuff, though. Aren't there bigger problems? I think so. Well, but now with smartphones, like the email, people get these emails. It used to be when somebody went home,

you'd leave a message on their answering machine, and you didn't know when they got it. There wasn't an expectation of an immediate response. Now you text somebody, and you know that if they don't answer you, you know they're not answering you. It used to be odd. Maybe they're not home. I'm sorry, Keith.

Go ahead. No, I'm listening to you. I fell asleep in the middle. My God. We got to wrap it up. Sorry. So Joe's going to go on. We're going to put him on.

I'm going to see what happens. It's amazing. What? It's going to go on. We're going to put him on. I'm going to see what happens. It's amazing. What? He's going to do great. Val. Oh. And next week I'm going to tell you about Vegas. Val, this is Joe. He's a wounded warrior. Hi. And he's going to do five minutes. Okay. Maybe he can go on right now.

Go ahead. After Norton. After Norton, yeah. Go ahead. You can get downstairs. I can get downstairs. That's fine. Do you have, yeah. Go ahead. After Norton. Okay, you can get downstairs. I can get downstairs. That's fine. All right. Do you have alibi for them to get downstairs? Shut up, Keith.

Cut that out, please. We do have handicap access. That's fine. Good night, everybody. Woo! When I got home, I had a limb salvage attempt for about 18 months, and they asked what I wanted to have done with the limb salvage attempt for about 18 months, and they asked what I wanted to have done with the leg when we went for the amputation.

And apparently having it stuffed and put over a mantel place gets you sent to psych. So I went with my second best choice, which is, since I'm Jewish, and it's important that we're buried with as much of ourselves as possible, could I have the leg returned so it could be buried? And they agreed with that. And so I put it in, I had it buried in Baltimore where I live and had a little marker put on it. It says, here lies a bit of Joe. 1978 to 2005.

More to come. And, you know, a couple years years ago I had to have my gallbladder removed and I had to go back to the grave and essentially dig a laundry chute into it and it just seems that I'm there all the time just chucking stuff in

you know my leg, my gallbladder, my wisdom teeth my hair, it's filling up well essentially I found a way to die on the installment plan. I mentioned I'm Jewish. Paying full price does offend me. Sorry. I also recently wrote a book that I'm very, very proud to discuss with everybody. It's a program on how to lose weight. And I'm very

excited about my program because it requires no diet, no special exercise, and you are guaranteed to lose weight. Essentially, each chapter in the book is another bit or body part you don't need. No, we're filled with spares and don't even realize it. But it's working great. I lost 25 pounds when I had my leg off, four and a half ounces when I had my gallbladder out, and thanks to internet porn, I'm losing an ounce a day. And I will say, taking that to the grave is absolutely exhausting. Thank you guys so much.

It's been an absolute pleasure getting to talk to you. One more time for Joe Cash now.