The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - John Fisch & Metzger

Episode Date: September 15, 2016

John Fisch & Metzger

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99, The Comedy Channel. We're here with Dan Natterman, Krista Montella. You were on vacation last week? Yes, I was. Two weeks. Where'd you go? Two weeks? I just had one sip of Frangelico, and literally, I don't know, because I don't drink anymore, I'm literally

a little hazy. I hope it doesn't affect me. Well, we'll see. It might affect you in a good way. So, we're expecting Kurt Metzger and John Fish and some people from the Comedy Cellar. In the meantime, what's up, Dan? Well, there are a couple of new things in my life. Number one, I've been hitting the gym. I'm down to 150 and I've never felt sexier.

What were you at before? Well, I was about 158 when I started going back to the gym. But are you trying to gain muscle or lose weight? I'm trying to do both. Oh, okay. I'm just trying to be the fittest me I can be. Got it. How tall are you?

5'7". 5'7", 158? No, well, I was. Now I'm at 150. So you're a little... It's a glass measurement. You must have had a little punch somewhere. It was a little bit, yes,

and I didn't like it because I always saw myself as the thin guy. Yeah. And that wasn't tolerable. So I went back to the gym and I really made some progress. I've noticed your pants

are a little loose. I thought you were sporting like an urban look or something. All right, Dan, what else? I also have a new favorite snack. And I brought the wrapper just so I get the name right. Farmer's Pantry. I discovered this recently and I'm a bit, I can't get enough.

Farmer's Pantry Cornbread Crisps. Honey Butter Flavor. Our producer Lou is sitting here and I know he's just saying to himself, I can fix this in the end. No, he better not. Why did we get a sponsor? Farmer's Pantry. He better not.

No, Lou loves this shit when I talk about this cornball stuff. I mean, this is literally cornbread. But, yes, it's Farmer's Pantry Cornbread Crisps. The sweet snack? It's all the flavor of your grandma's cornbread in a crunchy snack. Dan, if you haven't got a joke here, I think you should. That is the joke. You don't get it.

Say it again. You just don't get the playfulness. You're listening to The Comedy Cellar live from the table on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. As soon as I brought it up, Kristen laughed. Yeah. And it's true. It is a great snack, and I am enjoying it, but I just think the bag you can't see on the radio. But I guess you could hear it.

I'll crinkle it just so that you go. There's a real bag here. Also, there is a question that's been plaguing me now for several weeks. Yes. And this I do find. I was talking about Uber with Noam before the show. I've been taking Uber pool of late. That's where you share rides.

Have you taken Uber pool? Yes, I have. You have? Yeah. Why would you do that? I don't know. Just like going. Because I live in Astoria.

So sometimes going home. I don't know. Luke, would you throw out the. Why? Because I've never done anything on the less expensive side. You're usually... Yeah, but what's... Your mom's a doctor.

You've got money. It's more so if it's there. Her mother's a doctor. She, on the other hand, is not. But sometimes the Uber pool's faster. Like, if it's at a high, busy time, it's easier to be in the pool. I would not take Uber pool. Well, here's why...

Well, it tells you who you're pooling with, though. If I'm pooling, it must be the subway. Go ahead. Well, here's why. Well, it tells you who you're pooling with, though. If I'm pooling, it must be the subway. Go ahead. Well, here's the thing, though. I take that, too. I was hesitant about Uber pool at first.

However, I've taken it several times, and in every single case, I've never had a single male poolie. Every, I would say, in 80% of cases, it's been a single woman

or women, and in some cases, it was a couple. Yep. I agree. Now, so why is this? Does anybody have any theory? A female couple? No, a man and a woman.

I'm saying in 90% of cases, I've Uber pooled only with women. In a couple of cases, it was a man and a woman. I've never had a single male in my Uber pool, in all the Uber pools that I've taken. I think it's because guys tend to go out and go home in groups or with someone. Girls are more likely to be going home alone. No, I don't think. My initial thought was that it would be the opposite. Men thinking maybe I'll meet a woman in Uber pool and women afraid to be in a car with a man.

No, guys are afraid they're going to be stuck with another guy in an Uber pool. That's what it is. They don't want to sit next to some random dude. Girls don't care about that kind of stuff. That's the best theory I've heard yet. We don't care about being in a sharing cab with someone else, but I feel like

guys are more... Look at Noam's disgusted reaction to taking over pool. I guess that's the answer, then, is that men don't want to be in a car with other men. And so they leave all the women for me. I think you've reached, like,

an untapped dating source, perhaps. Well, I have gotten one phone number. Look at that. Now, we didn't end up getting together. She blew me off in rather spectacular fashion. However, I got a phone number. Look at that. Now, we didn't end up getting together. She blew me off in rather spectacular fashion. However, I got a phone number, and I'm sure at some point I'll get another

number. And who knows? Maybe I will have sex from Uber Pool. I'll certainly keep you posted if it happens. Yeah, that would make an interesting story. Yeah. I think the implication of Noam just made... Is that anything before this was not interesting? Actually, this is interesting. But I don't know. I think the implication of Gnome just made... Is that anything before this was not interesting?

Actually, this is interesting, but I don't know. I'm quiet because I'm thinking about what it is that I detest about the whole pooling thing, but I just... I'd never like to take the subways or buses. I prefer taxis. I don't like to be with strangers. I don't

like to sit next to strangers in the movie. I don't like it. I don't like to be with strangers. I don't like to sit next to strangers in the movie. I don't like it. I don't like to talk to strangers. I don't know. I don't like it. I don't like to do that either

but for some reason the pool doesn't, I don't know, it doesn't bother me. Well, people generally don't talk on the Uber pool. We just, everybody looks at their phone.

Yeah. And also, I've also had the experience at least half the time where I Uber pool but nobody, I'm by myself. Like, if they don't get someone within a specific amount of time,

they just take you. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't, I've been in it. I clicked Uber pool on my phone, but I was by myself. So Dan,

yes, sir. While we're waiting on Kurt and John, John fish should be here any second. Now, Stephen Calabria was pretty pissed off. The booker that you fired. I didn't fire him. Yes, sir. While we're waiting on Kurt and John. Yeah, John Fish should be here any second now. Stephen Calabria was pretty pissed off, the booker that you fired. I didn't fire him.

We talked about this last week. You squoze him out. Montella, you were in Greece having fun. Yes. The last bit of fun that you're going to have with your husband before you become a mother, whenever that will be. Are you pregnant? No. First of all, even if I were pregnant, do you think I would tell you on the air? I'm not.

You have pneumonia? If I were. Well, that's a Hillary Clinton reference, and we'll get to that later, because no one's very much interested. By the way, I've been coughing for six, like four weeks since I got back from Disney. Me too. I have too. It's been... I think it's allergies. I'm not allergic to Trump. I don't know what it is. I'm here, I'm

making fun of Hillary all day, but I have a cough I can't shake. It could be pneumonia. Well, anyway, let's get back to Calabria if we could. He's really upset with you. Well, all I can say is, and we discussed this last week. I think he's right. Well, you're out of your mind. All right.

But I think he's wrong. You told him, just to recap, Stephen Calabria was, Noam hired Stephen Calabria to book guests on this show. And with the caveat that I got to veto any guests I didn't want on the show. It's a veto I didn't really use very often. I allowed those Huffington Post people on. We were having several... It's like giving Felix Unger a veto.

Baratunde Thurston was his guest. He had a few other guests that I approved, but one guest I didn't want on the show for various reasons. Whether you agree or don't agree, it was my veto to give. And I said no, and he got all pissy and quit. So I don't see how in any way, shape, or form you can say that that's my fault. I certainly didn't expect him to quit. It was the last thing that I ever expected. I figured he'd say, all right, well, shape, or form, you can say that that's my fault. I certainly didn't expect him to quit. It was the last thing

that I ever expected. I figured he'd say, alright, well, I disagree with Dan, but he does have veto power, so. Actually, I agree with you. I think both of you, the pissiness is what I detest. I detest pissiness all around, and it's such a common thing, especially on Facebook.

This has nothing to do with Facebook. No, but I know, but it's just the way people interact. You guys, but I'm sure you were text messaging and not speaking on the phone. That is true. Yeah, this was text or email. So that's what it reminds me of.

There is a, there are things that happen through text and email and Facebook and messaging and things which go awry and go in bad directions that would not happen if two people were sitting across from each other

at a table talking. If you and Calabria had been speaking to each other, you would have worked it out. But this text messaging thing, it's a... Well, maybe. No, I think you forget that Dan was in this conversation. No, no, no.

And he's very... Don't make fun of my Dan. I'm not making fun of him. He's very direct, and he says things in a way that there's no mincing words, and I don't think that would change in person. I don't think Steven wanted to quit. I don't know this, but it wouldn't even surprise me.

Maybe he was a little high or he was drinking or whatever it is while he was texting. That could be totally wrong on my part, but I don't believe the man really wanted to quit. Hire him back if you want. It's up to you. It's up to him. I'm not going to hire him back. As a matter of fact, when I spoke, I said, talk to Dan.

You guys work it out, you work it out. I was so turned off by the whole thing. That's why I'm like, all right, Dan and Steven are fighting. Whatever happens, happens. Because I can't. It's ridiculous. He wanted to have a, Lou,

he wanted to have a writer from a Seinfeld episode on. That sounds like a good guess to me. Well, here were my thoughts about the Seinfeld. Lou wants to say something. Go ahead, Lou. I can only say that Steven has been

a little uptight around Dan for a while now. Like, your treatment of him, I think think he's had a problem with. Well, Dan's not a coddler. Dan texts it the way he says it. It's exactly the Dan we all know. But I think you were dismissing him, and that really bothered him.

Thank you, Lou. Wait, can we? Can we just say nothing? No, it's good, Lou. Why did you not want this guest? For the following reasons. It seems reasonable. For the following reasons.

Number one is, he is a writer, or was a writer for Seinfeld and Cheers. Those shows, of course, are iconic, but they've had many writers. You know, any guest we invite is one less guest that we can have from our local comedy seller. I prefer to... If we're going to have a writer, we have many writers here. Writers from shows we're having next week. Mike Lawrence, who wrote for the recent Ann Coulter-Rose. We have writers of plenty of web series that we could bring on here.

No, we're not web series. What do we need Seinfeld for? Real writers and real shows that are currently relevant. Like what? We have Mike Lawrence from the Inside Amy Schumer show coming next week. He's coming next week? Okay. Okay.

That's number one. Yeah. And numerous other people that we have right here in our own orbit that we can use. Okay, but sometimes we just don't have that availability. So what's... We almost always have that availability. If not, we can... I don't think that's a good enough excuse.

Who did we have that week that we didn't have the guy who... That week, I don't know because we never got... He named the week and I didn't consider who we had that week. We'll get somebody. Quite frankly, we can do what we have a lot of... And I don't know if this guy is any good, this writer on mic. We have a lot of fun amongst ourselves because we

know each other because there's good chemistry amongst us. And I don't know that that's the case with this individual. Thirdly, and most importantly, I wanted Steve Colabri to think bigger. I did not want him to give him carte blanche to just

book the easy people that he could book probably without even any effort, my guess is. I don't know. I wanted to make it clear that we want to take it up a notch. If he can't take it up a notch, that's fine. It's not so easy to do. But I wanted, for example, if you're going to get a writer, he mentioned this guy worked with Harry Shearer.

I said, well, then get Harry Shearer. How about that? Why are we thinking small? We have podcasts that are getting big, big guests, okay? And I don't want to think small. I want to think big. And if he doesn't want to think big, I want it to be very clear. Dan,

there has to be, you know, there's your masturbation and then there's actually who you're going to date, all right? I mean, you can think big, you can fantasize all you want. Why do we need you? You still got to take somebody out to dinner. All right. We have. We have.

We have guests. We have Kurt Metzger this week, who is very much in the news, at least with regard to the Amy Schumer show. We had the – and if worse comes to worse, I can just talk about my favorite snacks, and everybody loves it. So we had a show a couple weeks back with nothing more than Rory Albanese and Ryan Hamilton, and this was probably the best show, in my estimation, that we've done in a long time. No one wasn't here also. Well, maybe that's why.

But, you know, I think you underestimate the natural. Instead of finding some dinosaur, you're digging some guy up that wrote 300 years ago on a show with all due respect. We've got people that are right here at the Comedy Cellar that are interesting. Well, you don't agree.

Then don't give me the veto power. I give you the veto power because, you know... I mean, I give you the veto, like definitely the reporters, that sort of thing. I get it. But if somebody wrote or is involved in comedy...

Dude, you throw a rock in this neighborhood, you hit a TV writer. It really isn't that special. Go ahead, Lou. I get that. I get it. It's not the veto power. It's the no please and no thank yous. That, I think, pissed off Calabria.

And I have the final text. Read it. Read it. Want me to read it? You read it. Please. It says... It says...

Calabria... All right. Do you want to preface it with a previous text? Calabria said this would be a good guest because he's a writer and we can't always get guests within the Comedy Cellar. We got to go outside the Comedy Cellar orbit. And thereupon I said... Can I read it?

Go ahead. Tom Leopold wrote on Cheers in Seinfeld, written a bunch of... Oh, okay. You got all the previous texts. With Harry Shearer. Dan, no, we got plenty of homegrown cellar writers. Harry Shearer himself is welcome. Calabria.

We also need people from outside the cellar orbit. Either way, dude. Oh, either way, dude also wrote for Will & Grace, Caroline in the City, Ellen, and wrote a musical that starred Kelsey Grammer and John Goodman. He's been in show business since the 70s. He's perfect.

Dan says, I know we do. I suggested Harry Shearer. My answer is no. Noam says I have veto power and I'm using it. If Noam wants to revoke my veto power, you can discuss it with him. No more text on this subject, please. Aw, Dan. Really?

If you would have said, thank you for your trouble, I don't think No, I don't agree with that. That last text was pretty If you would have said please and thank you, I think it would be fine. No, it was you know, a please and thank you is not going to save it. Dan, no more text on this subject, please. Yeah, because what am I going to go

for an hour and a half going back and forth? At some point, no has to mean no. Dan, that's not the way you deal with people. And I don't, after that list of credits, that guy's been, that guy has more credits than half the people we've had on this show. Well, be that as it

may, there's two issues here. One is whether we agree with Dan or disagree with Dan on his choice of guests. And perhaps he's right, perhaps he's wrong. We don't know the guy. I mean, I would imagine if the guy has written all for all these great shows, he'll probably be okay on Mike. I mean, he's probably an interesting guy and got some good stories. But that's neither here nor there.

But the other way is how we treat each other, Dan. Well, you read that text in the voice that you attributed to me. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I read it pretty straight. Well, you know, I think you put a little bit of English on that. Well, I read it with the inner voice

that he probably read it with. That could be. It didn't say, no more text, please. He was like, no more text, please. It had to be read. Because Calabria has a history of booking guests without consulting me. In fact, you told him on a previous occasion, you chastised him because he booked guests without consulting me. That's why I gave you veto power.

No, but that was at, you had already told him you got to go through Dan. And then he put them on the calendar. And then you said, Calabria, what did I tell you? You got to go through Dan. Listen, whenever I want to cut somebody off, I always say something like, listen, I don't want to be disrespectful. But I want to cut somebody off I always say something like listen I don't want to be disrespectful but I want to wind this up I never say to somebody no more text please

I don't ever say that to somebody that's not nice first of all I did say please that was not a please that was a please of urgency please I can't take it anymore. It wasn't a nice please. Well.

I think you owe him an apology. I owe him nothing of the sort. If he wants to come back, that's fine. I have nothing against him. Personally, I don't think he is the best man for the job because his vision of the show is more in line with yours. And is John Fisher? John, get over here. You're late. the job because his vision of the show is more in line with yours. And is John Fisher?

John, get over here. You're late. You told me you want to hear somebody get chastised. That was nothing. You sit down here. You should have known that M train is unreliable. You should have taken Uber pool. It's always chicks in that thing.

Oh yeah? I've never had an Uber Pool experience where there wasn't a chick in there, and sometimes they look good. Anyway, how are you, John? I'm all right, buddy. How are you? The reason I invited you to the show, we talked about it very briefly,

but I have a question for you. Introduce him as John Fish. This is John Fish. He's a comic. He works here at the Comedy Cellar. For a while, he wasn't working here. Have you written for Seinfeld? Have I written for Seinfeld?

Yeah. No. Cheers. I opened for him. Will and Grace. Will and Grace. I saw Jack last week on the Upper West Side. We've had, in this last week alone at the Comedy Cellar, who's been here? Chris Rock, Louis C.K., Ray Liotta stopped by,

Vince Vaughn stopped by, and you want fucking Tom Leopold on the show? Step it up, people. Okay, go ahead. You know, either be ambitious, or we don't need you. I'll do it myself. Okay, it's a deal.

I fucking booked John Fish here, for example. Go ahead, John. What is he doing here? I'll tell you what he's doing here. I have a question for him. Now, as you know, I did Conan O'Brien. Classic Natterman. Perfect.

Unbelievable. Loved it. Well, people have said that. I'm not going to get into that. But yes, people have said that it was... Bold? Bold? Bold?

Bold opens with one of my favorite new bits of Natterman's, the uncle-ing. Oh, yeah, that is a good bit. That's a good bit. You weren't allowed to do that on some other show, right? Well, no, no. I didn't even submit it to the Fallon people because I just knew that there's no way on earth Jimmy Fallon would let me talk about inappropriately touching one's niece or nephew. This is not a chance. Right.

But I figured Conan might. Right. I mean, after all, Conan gave us the masturbating bear, didn't he? Yes, he did. As well as that triumphant insult dog who will say anything. But that's a dog. But go ahead, go ahead. Well, it's a person behind the dog.

Wow, I actually am upset that I am late because I wish I was here to see what got you here. Yeah, how we got to this. I'm going to have to listen. We exposed him for being a rude, officious boss who doesn't know how to talk to his subordinates. I did see Gnome in his own little world for a second. I've never seen Gnome in his own little world for a second. I've never seen Gnome in his

own little world for a second. He was like... Let's cut to the proverbial chase. I did an episode of Conan. The responses were all very, very positive. It allowed me to stave off

thoughts of suicide for a time. But of course everything must come to an end. Now, but that's neither here nor there. Hence, suicide. So, people posted, you know, comments. People posted. They got a lot of likes on Facebook. John Fish.

Now, as you know, on Facebook, as of, I think, a year ago, you could post a like, a smiley face, crying face, giggly face, and a heart. Well, this guy posts a heart. And I want to know why. I want to know, is that a real heart, or are you a fag? This is literally Dan's version of, that's enough about me, what do you think of me? Well, we're going to get to some. Now I know why John Fish is here. I want to know what he thinks of Matt or me. Go ahead. Well, you're going to get some. Now I know why John Fish is here.

I know what he thinks of Natterman. Well, you know, there's a lot of... Go ahead. If I was gay, I think I would, you know, I would go Natterman. But I am not. So what's with the heart? Can you point the mic to... I love the set.

Heart the set. I love the set. Your heart. Yeah. In other words, it wasn't like you're trying to be funny. No. No, I feel like I'm not big on the like, like I'll throw in like Twitter comments and try to be funny on somebody because that's just like a one thing and out,

you know, if it's a friend. But Facebook, I don't know. I don't, maybe a quick ha-ha, but if yours was a joke, yours was your set. It's like a, let's take a break from busting balls and everything and just be like, yeah, great set. I appreciate you taking jokes. You know I have a problem with intimacy and closeness.

The heart bothered you? It didn't bother me, but it did strike me as bizarre. Of course it didn't bother me. But I did think it was odd. Men don't usually heart other men on Facebook. One way. You don't preface a thing that you think is odd by saying, you know, I have a problem with intimacy. When you say I have a problem with intimacy, it implies that it bothered that problem.

Maybe if it didn't, maybe I interpreted it as odd for that reason. Or maybe it is just plain odd for a heterosexual man. Dan, I love you. There's no shortage. Do you love me, Dan? Tell me you love me. Oh, gosh. You know, I have a fondness for you.

Go ahead, sorry. You know how many closet cases there are in this business. Half this joint is gay. We've shared rides. We've shared meals. Let's see. Have you seen Dan naked? I haven't seen Dan naked.

Some people have. We've traveled on trains together. We've been on a boat together. As far as seeing me naked is concerned, I'm not really into that, but I am down to 150 pounds, as I mentioned at the start of the show, and looking good. But Lynn Copliss has seen you naked, right? No, she has not.

Dove has seen you naked. He has seen my penis. That's all that he needs to see to qualify as naked. But that's not naked. Yes, yes, yes it is. You could be wearing a bikini and anything else, bikini top, but if he can see your penis,

that's naked in my book. Well, what would be more bearing? Is a lingon over there? Wearing a speedo or fully clothed dick out. Fully clothed dick out. He's naked. How did he see? Why did Dove see your penis? Because I was getting, receiving oral sex.

From Dove. From, not from. You were receiving oral sex. From a young lady. In the same room with Dan? I mean with Dove. From, from, no, not from. You were receiving oral sex? From a young lady. In the same room with Dan? I mean, with Dove? Well, Dove was having sex with another young lady. Wow.

At the same time. This is Alingon Mitra. I invited him to say, Alingon, we're going to have to throw you out when Kurt Metzger gets here. Let me get, let me get, because Matterman and I, we're in the same generation, right? We're in our 40s. Alingon, how old are you, buddy? 29. Okay, if you had a set.

So sweet, so fresh. If you had a set on TV, one of your amazing sets, and I... Say it was Natterman good. And I hearted it. I said, I pressed the heart button. You know, on Facebook, you can heart. On Instagram or Facebook? On Facebook. You can thumbs up, you can heart, you can cry.

He knows. Fine. How would you perceive that? How would I... I would perceive that as you loved that song. Really? Well, I guess there's something wrong with me. How the hell did you perceive it? I perceived it as one of two ways.

Sarcastic? Number one, he was just being playful. Like, hey, you know, like, sometimes we'll say to each other as comics, hey, nice cock, or show me your dick. You know, and sometimes we will, and sometimes we'll jerk each other off, but it's all in fun. No, but seriously. Sometimes, you know, you say things and you go, no homo, right? No homo.

Because that means you said something that's kind of homo, but it's no homo. I thought it was either that, or he's a homo. But I really didn't think he was a homo. So you thought I was busting balls. I thought he was just being funny. I thought he was being funny. By posting a heart. I thought he was just being funny. It thought it was being funny. By posting a heart. I thought it was just being funny.

It just means I love this. It's just stronger than light. Now, Dan, let me just... I guess I'm wrong, yeah. I want to... That's why they gave us that option. Well, I thought they gave us that option if a girl thinks you're cute. So all those girls that are hard on me

don't want to fuck me, necessarily? Correct. Then why just sneeze? Dan. Then why'd you sneeze? Dan. An Aderman joke. Dan. Right? Can you extrapolate from the fact that your interpretation of the heart is so wildly out of sync with, you know, everyone else's?

You're bringing this back to Calabria, aren't you? Yes, I am. You son of a bitch. I knew what you were going for. That maybe you're not able to properly understand many, many things out there in the world. Many ways of interacting. If you want to bring Calabria in, either on air or off air, we can talk about it. And I certainly meant no disrespect to him, but I was exercising my veto power.

Listen, I will admit that from time to time when I wanted a heart some man's thing I did hesitate but it's all you got. You want to be stronger than like and that's your only option. This is the time to do it.

Another option is to write a dude. Fucking great set dude. I think I did that also. I think I read, I think I wrote something like classic D-Nats, excellent, great set,

something like that. I'm going to only heart Dan from now on. Well, at least you got something to say. I was trying to introduce the generational difference in it. Let the Indian speak. Oh, thank you. It's always nice to get the approval

from a white man. That's like a microaggression already. I'm not a white man. I'm a Jew man. It's the same. Not the approval from a white man. That's like a microaggression already. I'm not a white man. I'm a Jew man. That's the same. It's all... Not the same according to the average alt-right person, but it might be the same on the East Coast.

Go ahead. To brown people, it's all the same. All right. No, if it's a video, it's fine to give a heart. If it was like a picture of you at a beach and he puts a heart, then you have to question it. But this was like a video. then you have to question it.

But this was like a video. Of you doing comedy. I'm not so sure Lingon is great. Based on that comment? Based on your tongue, your speech pattern. Well, you know, you're very attractive. By the way, I was talking with Lingon before the show. He's part of the new Indian invasion here

at the comedy. I know! There's no fewer than three Indian comedians. I don't like it one bit. Well, do you really feel that way? No, no, no. I'm very happy. Of course he feels that way. Don't lie.

Why would you? It's always nice to be the only one of something. It's a thing. No, it's better for... And this is going to happen. People are going to start confusing you with the other Indian comedians because that's what people do. And that's going to piss you off, too.

That's true, yeah. It's probably happened already. If that happens, then that wouldn't be good. Unless they confuse him with Aziz or something. It's the old Chinese waiter thing. It's going to happen. Well, we have a Lingon. We have Nimesh Patel, and we have this other guy.

Hassan? Hassan. Hassan. I believe he's Pakistani. I think he's Indian. It's the same thing, isn't it? As it may. I mean, it's all arbitrary.

You're a Hindu of Hindu derivation? Isn't that the bigger distinction among the... Is there a name for the people of Indian Pakistan? South Asian? Of the South Asian people. Isn't it a bigger distinction between Hindu or Muslim versus Indian and Pakistani?

A Hindu Pakistani and a Hindu Indian have more in common than a Muslim Indian and a Hindu Indian, right? I don't know about that. No? I think, well,

because I feel like it's just like disproportionately Muslim in Pakistan, whereas in India, it's like 70-30 or something like that. I think it's 200 million Muslims in India. Yeah. So it's, yeah, so I think when you're Pakistani, you are Muslim almost always.

Well, let me ask you this. If India and Pakistan were to go to war again, what would the attitude of the 200 million Muslims likely be in India? I've become the spokesperson for 200 Muslims in India? No, no, no. This must be an issue within India when they think about it. Just tell us what you think, Nimesh. I think it depends on your geography. The closer you are, I think, to Pakistan, probably the more affinity you have for that area. But if you're like down south, you're Muslim.

Are they going to fight for Hindu India against Muslim Pakistan? Yeah, there are Muslims in the Indian army. Okay. I mean, I know nothing about this. What do you attribute the recent, it feels like a surge of Indian comedians that I don't think existed

maybe 10 years ago? I mean, we just... Is Aziz Ansari having any influence on younger? I think there might be a little bit of Aziz influence, but I think it's more just there was a whole generation that moved from other countries here, and you're finally getting their kids at an age where they're doing stand-up. It's more of that.

That's correct, by the way. It's the right answer. Also, if it's reflecting America's changing demographic, I mean, you're getting more of every ethnic group now. Getting more Asian comics, more everything. Somehow, still, all these white guys. Well, we're still the funniest. By the way, yesterday, I don't know where the hell Kurt Metz still the funniest by the way yesterday

I don't know where the hell Kurt Metzger is by the way but we have things to talk about yesterday of course was the

wait what's today the 12th or the 13th two days ago of course was the 15th anniversary of 9-11 and I do what

I usually do which is listen to Howard Stern's which I was doing the day of 9-11 15 years ago I re, which is listen to Howard Stern's, which I was doing the day of 9-11, 15 years ago. I re-listened to Howard Stern's broadcast from that day. Have you all heard it? Yeah, I've heard it.

And it brings you back. And, you know, you forget just how you were feeling on that day. He was on that day. And the horror of it. Howard was on that day. I woke up early that day, and I turned on the TV, and I saw what was going on, and then I turned on Howard, and they were talking of it. Howard was on that day. I woke up early that day and I turned on the TV and I saw what was going on and then I turned on Howard and they were talking about it.

I think we tend to forget just how horrifying that was and why we were motivated to do anything to keep it from happening again. And I think we're getting complacent on some level. Yeah, I haven't. My niece is 11 and and had to do an interview with somebody that was in New York during that time. So I was FaceTiming with her and I haven't had that feeling of welling up and getting emotional and actually feeling how I felt that day in years.

Because I don't, you know, I won won't like tweet like random funny things or something on that day. But I don't, I never like did something like what you were just saying, like try to listen to Stern's report or something. I remember on, I'm sorry. No, go ahead. I remember on September 10th, 2001, I made a decision that I was going to cheat on my girlfriend, and I came to the conclusion after many, many bad experiences that the only way you can do it is that you have to take her to another city where no one will know you and don't tell anybody. You have to be the only two that know about it.

So I woke up to frantic phone calls on September 11th, 2001 in Washington, D.C. And only to find out that I was stranded in Washington, D.C. And now I was busted because I can't go back home. You just have to start a new life. And I got no way to tell my girlfriend where I've been. And then to make another long story, but Ava, my mother, actually told my mother-in-law, said, no,

they're okay, they're in D.C. And she's like, then Juanita's right here, she's not in D.C. Anyway, so. So it is a Jew's fault.

So fucking Al Qaeda, that's all I think about 9-11, is how it almost broke up. But the happy ending. Al Qaeda, almost broke up my relationship. But the good news is, Yeah.

The happy ending, Yeah. Is you and that woman that you cheated on are now husband and wife. Yes, yeah. We're happily, happily married. And very happily married,

I must say. There are no problems going on in that marriage. With two beautiful children. Go ahead. Okay, so your experience of that day was... Yeah, my experience

of that day is totally out of whack with everyone else's. It was a horrifying day. I have the same visceral reaction, but if you probe me, it's not for the same reason. I do think if everybody could be brought back to that day

and what they were feeling, the reaction against Trump's decision to be more cautious with Muslim immigration wouldn't be viewed with the horror that it is being viewed in 15 years later. And the question is, who's right? 2016 us or 2001 September 12th us?

I'll let you take that one, Dan. It's too controversial. Well, this might be a little lead-in for your next guest, although you might not be discussing that anymore. But first, I will say 2016, probably, I'm going to vote for. But it might be how the message is being presented. I think that's a lot of what Kurt ran into, and that's what Trump's running into, is that it's aggressive. But do you think there's a way that he could have presented it

that would have been palatable to all the people that are yelling and screaming? Him? No. Yeah, there totally was. There totally was. From him? Oh, from him. Is he capable of presenting it? That I don't know.

But a candidate could have presented the issue in a way that was better than what Trump did. As a candidate could present the issue with a problem with illegal immigration from the Mexican border in a way which wouldn't sound so bigoted and shallow. I mean, for me, it just sort of, every time I hear about it, it reminds me of like the Japanese internment camps in World War II. That's what it reminds me of. It's like, and when I watch footage of that and documentaries of that, you're just like, what? Nobody said any

like, so I, no, I think it's ridiculous. I will tell you the only irony in the whole Trump Muslim thing is that, I mean, I know a lot of Muslim people and they are more sympathetic to Trump's position than the white people I know.

To a man, they're all like, well, you know, it is a problem because, and they say, we're worried about our kids being radicalized. And they're worried, like I had one friend, we know him, but I don't want to say his name out loud. I don't want him to get hurt. But he said, you know, I have friends

who are sympathetic with ISIS. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say when they say these things. But they kind of like, they're getting a little pleasure out of seeing ISIS succeed like that. Like people in America? Yeah, a guy that we know is here all the time.

He's born in Kuwait. He's born, he's, anyway. But, and I've spoken to guys who work in the kitchen, and I've spoken to guys who I know who don't work here, and they regard the issue as much, they don't like Trump, but they regard the issue of radicalization of Muslims quite seriously.

They don't pretend it's not going on. And if you think about it, it makes perfect sense because not in America, but in the rest of the world, who is the biggest victims of ISIS and radical Islamic terrorism? It's other Muslims. We have a few hundred maybe who are killed in the West. They have thousands killed in the Middle East

in the name of this stuff. This is not something that's off their radar. This is really serious for them. But when you say they're sympathetic towards ISIS, I mean, what is the solution? I don't know. Nobody knows the solution. But it seems, I don't know,

it seems like bombing them hasn't worked in the past. Bombing who? Just ISIS. Well, it seems to be. I mean, who knows what works? Bombing has solved a lot of the problems in the world over the years. It worked in Japan. It worked in

Germany. It worked in Yugoslavia. It worked in Bosnia. Those weren't ideologies that are spread around. It worked in Afghanistan. And then, you know, they came back, but it worked. Well, we didn't stay the course, some would say,

but the Taliban was defeated, and that was from bombing. What are you going to do? What else is there besides bombing? Speaking of violent behavior as a possible solution, I would point out, and longtime listeners know what I'm talking about, the kitchen is still not finished. And it's now going on three months. And I'm trying to keep everybody calm, Noam, but a revolution is afoot. You know, because we all have to go now and get food

from the various restaurants on the block and we're all and I for one I'm tired of that Vietnamese joint down the street how can you be tired

that pho or pho whatever they call it pho I know all I know is what's his name has a joke about that

Andrew Schultz about pho and pho pho is spelled P-H-O but it's pronounced pho oh is that right so he has a joke like that. Andrew Schultz. About pho and pha. Pho is spelled P-H-O, but it's pronounced pha. Oh, is that right? So he has a joke like, well, those are our letters. You can't decide,

you know, the Vietnamese are deciding how to use our letters. I think that's pretty, that was pretty funny. But anyway, like, I think I eat pizza four out of five times.

I go to Joe's pizza, but, you know, we're all patiently waiting. Patience has its limits. By the way, let's... This is Dan's way of taking me out of ISIS. I didn't bring up ISIS. You brought it up.

Can we talk about Hillary's cough? Yeah, we'll get to that. One more thing. I just want to take a vote amongst the regulars. I'm thinking about sending a text to Stephen Calabria saying something to the effect of, sorry that my text might have sounded harsh. If you want to come back to booking, I think we should have a meeting,

me, you, and Noam to discuss how to proceed and what kind of guests we want and how the process is going to work going forward. Something of that nature. So who thinks I should send that text? Chris Montella, you have the first vote. I think someone should proofread that text before you send it, but yeah.

That sounds like a good idea. Would you like to have Stephen Calabria back as the booker of the show? I think it's nice to have an outside person help with the booking, yeah. Whether that's Stephen Calabria or someone else, I don't know. Well, be careful now, because if Iabria or someone else, I don't know, but yeah. Well, be careful now,

because if I invite him to come back, it will be Steve Calabria if he decides to. I think if you guys can come to some sort of agreement. Can you come to the meeting? Yes, but I don't really have the issue, but I'm happy to come to the meeting. Well, but I think you do have feelings about who's, what guests you'd like

and what guests you would not like. Yes, okay. Noam, is that a good idea to you? Would you be open for a meeting with Stephen Calabria if he decides that he... I'm so sick of meetings in my life. Can I not be there?

Can you just tell me how it turned out? No, you have to be there. No, you have to be there but we all need to decide what... You have veto. You can decide. You can do it. You can meet with him.

You can not meet with him. You can send him a text message. You can put a smiley face and an XXO at the end of it. The heart. You can heart it. You can meet with him. You cannot mute him. You can send him a text message. You can put a smiley face and an XXO at the end of it. Or you can heart him. You can do whatever you want. Well, I just want to make sure that if he comes back and I still have veto power, we're not going to run into the same problem. That's right, but you don't need me for that. No, you need

to be there because there needs to be a mediator. That's not me. That can be you. How about Alingon can be the mediator? Yeah, I'd love to. I don't know either. Hardy's well enough to do this. I will actually. You know what I just realized? If you look in emoticon world, I only use the blue heart because I feel like it's the most masculine of the hearts.

This is my recently used. No, no, I don't have that. According to this photo evidence that I have, you just, by the way, John Fish just texted me three blue hearts. No, but I have a picture. That means blowjob. No, there's only one option on Facebook. This is in the texting.

Yeah. Can we talk about ISIS? Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Did you want to get, no, Noam has been, no, we want to get to him. It looks like Kurt Metzger has stood us up.

I'm sure that he tried his best. I had a feeling, that's why I didn't want to start until he got here. I saw it's 15 minutes. Luckily, we had Fish. We had a Lingon that I called in last minute. You talk about a

crunch player. Have you had any rape issues? Any problems? Have you defended any rapists? Anything like that? I had a joke. It's not really a rape joke, but I did it on Lost Comics Standing and I got emails from people saying... What was the joke?

Oh, here he is. Go ahead. What was the joke? McCurtain Metzger has arrived. Let him tell the joke. What was the joke? Tell the joke. The joke is... I can... Get the fuck out of my chair. I heard that 90% of all or when I was in high school somebody told me that 90% of all rapes are

committed by not by somebody you don't know but somebody you know not by a stranger but by somebody you know 90% of all rapes yeah and so I was in high school and I was like oh 90% of rapes

are committed by somebody I know that's the joke right it's not really a rape joke it's more of a grammar joke anyway AJ gets him

he gets an email that's funny yeah yeah well guess who's here everybody a little bit late but certainly but smelling sweet from a sweet shower smelling delicious he goes Natalie just everybody? A little bit late, but certainly... But smelling sweet from a sweet shower.

Smelling delicious. Natalie just gave me a little bit late. How do I go back on this? Because we've been talking about... Yeah, I'm sorry. We've been talking about the show. Kurt's coming, Kurt's coming, Kurt's coming, and he didn't come,

so we're explaining that you were a little bit late. Is it live? Is this going on? No, it's not live. You want to text me something not to say, right? Well, you know. You already know. The last thing you text me? Yes, say, right? Well, you know. You already know. The last thing you text me?

Yes, yes, yes. All right, well, make sure I don't say it. I'll just say it. I have herpes, and I want everyone to know here. So I won't say it. I know I'm not a man who had a lot of cats, so that's why you didn't think I had herpes. You said, what a thing not to say?

Oh, my God. It would be such an awesome show If I could talk about it Yeah He's probably saving it For his own show Well as he should But

A co-host of the Race Wars podcast You know why dude I just got Because I got to back out Of that whole god damn thing Because it's all Kind of blown over

That fucking shit storm For you know But we can talk about The shit storm right Yeah I just No well Just real I just want no, well, just real, I just want to not distract from the person that had called me and told me, you know, like,

I don't want to talk about that part of it. Yeah, yeah. That's all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But you can bring up the shitstorm. Oh, yeah, that I can talk about. Just not the part you don't know about.

All right, well, we have. No, it's, you know, I mean, should I sit on Bennington, but I don't want to. I didn't listen to Bennington. Anything that gets said that shouldn't be said, we can cut it out. All right, all right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Kurt, I mean, we talked. I didn't listen to Bennington. Anything that gets said that shouldn't be said, we can cut it out. All right, all right. Oh, yeah.

Kurt, I mean, I didn't know what this was. Kurt, in your absence, we did talk about the shitstorm. We didn't. Yeah, we didn't. About Kurt's shitstorm? Yeah, of course we didn't.

How many shitstorms did I miss? Multiple. On previous shows. Oh, on the show, on the, yeah, yeah, yeah, when it first happened. And basically, what we concluded is we agreed with you on certain points and we disagreed with you on certain other points. Oh, on the show, on the, yeah, yeah, when it first happened. And basically, what we concluded is

we agreed with you on certain points and we disagreed with you on certain other points. Well, some shit I was wrong about, dude, which is, but listen,

I'm not, I'm not, I'm going to stand by. We all need to maybe make it encouraging. The cops need to do a better job of making it comfortable

to report. Wait, wait, wait. Somebody got, we got to encapsulate the thing because not everybody's Okay, Ligon has to go. I guess he has a spot to do.

Oh. Okay, Ligon. Watch your back out there. You've got a very beautiful boy face because not everybody's... Okay, Ligon has to go. I guess he has a spot to do. Oh. Watch your back out there. You've got a very beautiful boy face. Well, can I... Well, we were just talking about that earlier. There was a comedian who... Tell the story. There was a comedian who was accused by a couple of women at the UCB of raping them.

Well, yeah. And then there was some talk on social media about this guy's a rapist. And then UCB banned them. And UCB banned this individual. Right media about this guy's a rapist. And then UCB banned them. And UCB banned this individual. And Kurt's made a few points. Number one is don't be accusing a guy on social media of rape without evidence. Right. That wasn't my point at all, man.

Shut up, Dan. That's not his point. Yeah, wow. And that's how bad I... I don't really do Facebook no more because of it. Because I can't even believe how bad people... Misconjured. Well, I didn't really do Facebook no more because of it. Because I can't even believe how bad people... Misconjured. Well, I didn't say it well.

I mean, if you're typing in rage at some blogger that wrote, like, why Kurt Mesker should shut up, written in the year of our goddess. Right? And you let that get in your, you know... But the point of it was, I'll listen to your story. You just tell me a story. Right. Just more than, psst, this guy's a rapist. We had an internal investigation determined. Now, listen to your story. You just tell me a story. Just more than, this guy's a rapist.

We had an internal investigation determined. Now, tell me your story. I'll listen to it. I had no problem listening. That was what I said over and over again, which was easy to dismiss because I used so many goddamn inflammatory words. I think you're going to unnecessarily apologize.

The reason I am is this. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'll tell you why. This is the main thing that I took away from it is that even women that are fans that from the get-go were like, everything you said is great, and how you said it's great, they fucking got raped also, okay? Like, at the end of it, I was like,

has every living human been raped? Like, I mean, it's crazy. I'll bet you that one in five is just the men, okay? So what's shocking to me is that anybody's ashamed to report it or tell someone, why is that like that? You know what I mean? And so, because it's uncomfortable and you're in shock. So, if I wasn't going on people's walls, I was on my own fucking wall.

But what I didn't think about was like, people look up to me that I didn't really, I didn't think of myself as any kind of shit, you know? Yeah. But why does it matter? I see every other asshole doing what I did on their fucking Facebook you know? But why does it matter? I see every other asshole doing what I did on their fucking Facebook wall. So why does it matter what's on my thing? Because I got a lot of fans that that happened to that, you know,

I'm like, I can't talk like it's easy and that, you know, and not one person, even people I hate in my guts because I wrote back like everybody, unless you went to my fan page, I didn't write back because I don't check it. Just go to my personal. But I wrote back to everybody that's had an angry thing to say to me. Okay?

And the whole thing is if you get raped, it's like you're a soldier, man. I don't even look at it the same way. Not that I had rape jokes that were bad. My shit always met their standard. I'm not in trouble for jokes I hold, you know? It's like being a soldier, dude. You get like a Vietnam in one sitting, okay, with no training, and people react. So, you know, of course go to the cops, but it's vital actually with the evidence and

shit, but if you're in that kind of shock and you're like, you know, people don't know until it's like, what happened to them sometimes until like a little while later. It's that traumatic. So, I didn't acknowledge anything like that because that's never happened to me. But Barry Crimmins called me because I had abuse, just good old-fashioned American physical abuse. I just had all-American physical abuse. Yeah, I had wholesome abuse. But Barry Crimmins, I talk to him about this a lot because he's the guy who called me when all that shit first went off.

He's like a fucking advocate and shit. He's like a far lefty anarchist left guy. I'm in Montreal and that guy's the best guy I ever met. He talked me through a lot of shit because me even writing all that

was a rage bomb in my head. I'm addressing people I don't even need to address. You write in the year of our goddess. You could write 50 articles with my name in it and at no point should I be addressing you. There's just people baiting people.

My dumb ass is like, oh, I'm going to grit the cheese and out of the trap. They wave a cape in front of you and you've got to go like a bull, right? The red cape. Yeah, it's a silly thing, man. And, you know, I'm writing a goddamn

Israel treatment for a fucking TV. All the free time of my hands like this, I just was like, oh, maybe I'll do my job. And it's like a much better...

But it is... But your Facebook rants are a big part of your fan? Yeah, and I just gave them away for free the whole time like a jerk-off. I thought I was cool having an open diary,

which is why people are dead when you look at their diary. Even Anne Frank's father didn't let her unedited diary go out. She's in the Holocaust. She can't drop a few N-words in the Holocaust. He was like, I gotta get... Oh, she said faggot three times.

I can't put this out. The Schwartzes. We're jacked. She said Schwartzes too much. She three times. I can't put this out. The Schwartz is redacted. The Schwartz is too much. He had to edit all the Schwartz's out. But listen, Kurt, the problem was that there was a legit issue and you put your finger

on it, which is that, and I identify with it as a boss, which is that somebody comes to me and says, so-and-so did this. How the fuck do I know whether it's true or not and is that somebody comes to me and says, so-and-so did this. How the fuck do I know whether it's true or not, and what am I supposed to do? It should be, take it seriously. See, that's the...

But you should have Barry Crimmins on, dude, if you ever talk about this game, because the guy is fucking, he's funny. That documentary doesn't do his funniness justice, you know, because he looks more like an activist. Alright, I'll... Yeah, he knows look at him. Yeah, he knows everything about it.

Unless Dan vetoes it. Did you see it? No. You saw that, right? Call Me Lucky? No. Louie's putting his hour out on his website pretty soon. I saw it.

It's fucking tremendous. But that guy's great. And he explained a lot of this shit to me. Especially words I despise. Explain it in a nutshell. How did he change your mind? Like, okay, rape culture, which has always irritated me

and I even probably agree with 90% of whatever the point is they want to address but I fucking hate that. It's like this reductive, vague word that could mean anything you want at any time you want. And he's like, yeah, that's what it is but we are just at the very beginning

of even acknowledging how this problem is. We're dealing with it properly. It's an attempt at least because just like 10, 15, 20 years ago, there'd be nothing. He's a guy that came out. Oh, you don't know the story. He's an 80s comic. You might have seen. I remember him from Evening at the Improv and shit like that

with a walrus mustache. I know who he is. He did the cancer thing. I guess in the 90s so he did like, you know, take the cancer thing. I guess in the 90s he did that, but he was raped when he was four by a babysitter groomed him for like her stepdad. It's in the documentary. Bobcat Goldthwait made it.

It's really good. And the guy had like an anger problem that, you know, because he didn't deal with it until he was like 38. So that guy I met in Montreal and he just like noticed, same thing, Like I'm 39 now so I never dealt with any

anger problem I had ever. Because I don't trust therapists. I was in a cult. Right. It's the one everybody goes to. Kurt was a Jehovah's Witness. And I never called it a cult. I pretty much let him off the hook. But when I think about it, it's a little fuck. Because I'm going by your money or if they you know, it's literally they want to fuck you and it's part of

the cult. Because it wasn't like that. And I even had shit I agree with. But it's still a control or you're out. So now I got a problem with that. And that's what the internet shit is. Like, oh, I'm going to be out with the social media mob? Please put me out now. How about that?

Right. And like, so now, so they did it. And I am out. It didn't matter. Like, it was a waste of my time. Because I'm mad about this thing that I didn't think about. But I'm still not getting what? About the rape thing?

Yeah, where you've changed your thinking. One, I'm not going to be fucking glib about it. It's a fucking such a, well, go to the cops, you idiot. I was on my own while saying it, but what if you're a fan of mine who got raped, and then I'm like that? They feel like I'm talking to them. Just from doing radio, I realized people, they feel like you're their friend. Right.

Okay, so I'm not even thinking about that when I'm writing it. Hey, Jim. Yeah, Glibnit, you're right. It's a lot of people. It's not like, you know, it's not. So the fight's real stupid about, and especially if somebody lies, that's so rare that it sticks out. There's so many people it happens to,

it blurs together. It's so rare that somebody lies about being raped. You know, when somebody lies that it sticks out in your mind and meanwhile, so many people get

fucking attacked. Like, and most of the comics I know had something weird. Are you trying to? He's trying to give Jim the headphones. He doesn't want them, you dummy.

Everyone was looking at me like, do you want to plug your Minnesota gig this weekend? I'm like, sure I do. So that's the thing that's different about it. It's not that I changed my points. That's not the point. That awful feminist that we called into, it was good I called in and she raked me over the coals.

She said, do you apologize for shaming rape victims? Yeah, I do. If I did. I don't even believe in shaming, but what if I triggered your thing you got? I am apologizing, yes. You made one joke, which was actually funny, but what did he say, Dan? He said

something about if you don't... Oh, so you're raping the same whore or something? These women, they don't go to the cops. Well, we don't have to repeat it all and get me another thing. Oh, never mind. Let's all just pretend. It was harsh, but I thought because it was so funny,

you know, I was ready to let it go. Well, but that's the thing, man. People said that to me, but they also got raped and said it to me. And it's just like, it's a lot of people, and everybody reacts a different way. And I don't want to be like, you know, because I got this shit happen to me. I can't be like, well, I have my pain.

Like, you got to, you know, have some thought for people that are looking up to you. That's all. So that's the difference. It's not my points are bad. It's maybe not being an asshole. Jim called me after it. Jim Norton's here. My main issue with Kurt is the shirt you're wearing is cultural appropriation.

It is. It's a Bruce Lee shirt. I don't care for it. Well, hold on. Look at the picture. Bruce Lee is on two hip hop turntables.. It is. It's a Bruce Lee shirt, and I don't care for it. Well, hold on now. Look at the picture. Bruce Lee is on two hip-hop turntables. That's true. He's also culturally appropriated.

It's an endless, problematic T-shirt. I think that's the issue here, folks. For a period of two days, you were trending on Twitter, I guess. I mean, everybody, like every article was talking about you. Entertainmentweekly.com, people.com. I mean, a billion different things.

It's amazing how much it was. And like not one of them I spoke to. I have no idea what was saying. Is there any boost? Nobody talks. It was literally the point I was making. But it's good for your career now. Has it been?

Yes. Yeah. Of course. But here's the question. If somebody comes in and tells me, so-and-so raped me, What should I do? Listen to them.

And listen, here's my, oh, okay, here's my main point. When that thing happened, I ended up speaking to both the accused. Actually, let me start somewhere else. Somebody comes in and says, so-and-so stole something from me. Should I?

Make it rape, dude. That's a good way to put it. No, no, no. But I'm bleeding out. Can I still book them if somebody says they stole from them? What I would do is interview both parties

and make a judgment. What if somebody says, so-and-so beat his kids? Can I still book him then? Well, okay. There's not enough on this. Do you mean when somebody tweets it at you?

Yeah, of course. But someone that works here? That's not enough. What I'm you mean when somebody tweets it at you? Yeah, of course. But when it works here, that's not enough. Is rape the one special thing that if somebody accused... There's so many terrible things a person can do. Hold on, hold on. Am I going to ban a comic for any bad thing that's reported about them, or is it just rape? You're going...

Okay, first of all... You follow my point? First of all, just so you know, after talking to both people, that motherfucker shouldn't be allowed in any place. Number two, you're jumping ahead to something already. If we're talking about that and someone comes to you, you talk to both parties

because I did, and I can tell you, it was very easy to discern who was lying to me, in my opinion. Yeah, I agree with that. And it's that serious that it's not a wallet. You might have a predator working for you. Yeah, it is a little different on that level, but it's not a wallet, you might have a predator working for you. So, yeah, it is a little different on that level, but it's not different where there's, like,

we make a decision, we don't have to talk to you. It's not that different, okay? But you've got to take it serious as fuck. But what if I know somebody beats their kids? Well, do their kids come to you and fuck? I mean, I don't understand. What if I know it? The analogy doesn't make any sense to me. I'm saying, is someone who beats their kids,

you go to jail for that, like you go to jail for rape? Okay, I don't know anybody who severely beats their children, and if I did, I probably wouldn't protect them, but do you have that situation? Well, no, I have had this situation where somebody accused someone who worked here of rape. But, I mean, listen, I'm just being devil's advocate. The truth is I agree with you.

The truth is I agree with you. The truth is I agree with you. Listen, can you first of all... Has Greer Barnes not been through enough? The truth is that I agree with you. The right thing, as a human, I have to make whatever inquiry I can into it. And if I really think it's true and they're not really that funny, then I just

won't be able to book them anymore. Right, and dude, it's not, but honestly... I assume that was a joke. That was a joke, yeah. They're not really that funny. I'll be honest, I'm here to help myself, so whatever you do, I don't care. No, look man,

it's just a thing. I am cynical enough to believe that the UCB would not have done this to a comic who was killing. Well, or who was famous. Or who was famous. Listen, all I'll say, I can't really talk about it, so I can tell you when it comes out, you'll understand it better like I do. But I'm not allowed to talk about it. Well, obviously when somebody's famous and somebody's bringing in revenue, human nature would be to cut them more slack. Yeah.

You know. The situation is nothing. Like, see, I didn't know the whole situation. So the question you're asking is, like, valid, but it's not at all how this – it doesn't even apply to this. Well, then they should have – And that's the mistake of social media. They should have disclosed those details.

Listen, by the way, I'm talking a good game. But the truth is I've done things behind the scenes which were closer to what I think you think would be the right thing to do. But I've never been totally comfortable. Because you don't really know

and you're fucking with somebody's livelihood. Can I tell you something, though? This will help. This helps me with it because I remember when Janice Dickinson was on that show

in the Cosby thing. Now, she said something on Stern years ago and tried to put it in her book. And I watched her interview. And let me tell you why I believe there. But maybe not everybody is ableby thing. Now, she said something on Stern years ago and tried to put it in her book and I watched her interview and let me tell you why I believe her but maybe not everybody

is able to do this but she said he fucked her in the ass and to this day her ass isn't right still. In fact, if you try to watch the interview it's edited out.

That was on Stern? No. That was on the fucking news when they were doing the story. So, just for me and I don't know what you have to think but if you told me

a detail like that and you've been saying it No woman in their near 60s Telling you she got raped up the ass for fun You know what I mean It's not a fucking career boost It's not There's a difference between

That's the thing the detail of that is so brutal That I go oh it's fucked up Whereas a person to me who's lying Is going to count on it being's lying is going to count on it being vague. They're going to count on not, you know what I mean? They're going to be like, they're going to leave stuff out. Get a detailed thing. That's all I'm saying. But there is one real

problem with all this, and this is what I've been clumsily trying to get. If I walk into Chase Manhattan Bank, and I tell the branch manager, that teller there raped me. The branch manager is not going to fire that teller. He's not going to say, oh, he raped you? Okay, so even if he questions me.

There's no such process as that. Nor do we want there to be. We do not want a society where you can go tell an employer so-and-so did something. He does whatever kind of personal fact-finding that he wants and then takes a guy's livelihood away. That's a different thing, though.

That's what's happening here. But that's the mob justice bullshit. That's a different thing. Okay? See, this is why it sucks because they bring something like rape into it and then the point

gets mixed together and it's a separate fucking thing. There should be no anything where a mob can tell you who the fuck you hire. You decide. You decide. Okay?

So you can make up your own mind what to do. No, but I'm saying that it's not fair. Well, the difference there, Noam, is that if you're a customer of a bank, the difference with this situation at UCB, or if some waitress says that a comic raped her, is that she will now have to work with that individual every day. Yeah.

And so somebody is going to be punished. Either the comic will be punished by being thrown out, or the wagers will be punished by having to work with a guy that raped her. And you have to decide, then, who is going to suffer. The way to think about it, okay, just to start by thinking like, okay, what's my attitude to this if it's my wife or daughter or son? What's my attitude if it's them? And then do the imagining from there, you would want it handled and what you would

think is fair and you probably will come to it. Okay? Because you're a reasonable dude. I know you're not like, you know, the mob shit, I don't need to react to. If you rape my wife, I will not book you. If that's what you're getting at, I agree with you. I'm just asking you to be fair about it. I'll hear you out.

Okay, but whoever the person is making the complaint, it's your wife making a complaint to another comedy club, and then how do you want to handle it? That's how I'd be thinking about it, not as a banker. You know, just because that's how I was thinking about it, I wouldn't be in trouble for having points that are correct if I had been thinking that way when I did it. I would have put it out a different way.

Dude, I agree. On a personal level, as kind of like the king of my own kingdom here, and the fact that comedians are not really employees, and they really have no rights, I don't have to book them. Yeah, that's a different issue. I'm going to do whatever I want to do. Listen, here's why you're better than a lot of places, okay? Because these places

like, and I lost like really nothing, okay? But let's say I had lost even a gig because someone tweeted at the owner or they heard there was gonna be a protest i'd never go back to that fucking club okay your obligation is to fucking you you defend comedy here man that's fucking great so it's got nothing to do though with taking rape allegations seriously and unfortunately because these people are so unreasonable that i got in a dumb fight with it it confuses something that's important. So me apologizing is not to the people.

Listen, me apologizing is only to people, really, who kind of already liked me and maybe misunderstood me. The people that wanted to get me, there's nothing I could have said for that. You know what I mean? Anything I did is like somebody called me up who I really believe what she told me happened. So it's literally just that.

She said, yeah, you had some good points, but you made me cry, and you made some of these other women cry. So listen, that's literally just that. She said, yeah, you had some good points, but you made me cry and you made some of these other women cry. So listen, that's the thing that I now think about. I just want to say one thing. You're right. It's probably healthy or just to personalize it in your head

and say, what if this were my child? What if this were my wife? But not to unreasonably. Right, but it's also correct and say, what if this were my child? What if this were my wife? But not unreasonably. Right. But it's also correct to say, what if the recourse that I'm advocating here were to be what I expected of every employer throughout the country whenever somebody comes with an accusation? It's just, it do. And that's not so workable either.

No, no. Those are not in conflict. It's what, when you think of it, you put yourself in everyone's shoes in the story. Right. Instead of, because what people, is they think of, here's what I did. I projected just my own life shit into, because I had no details to go on.

I just asked for a story, not evidence. Tell me your story. I'll listen to your story. I'll judge it from reading your story. Right. Okay? So without it, what happens is, I end up identifying With the wrong person

Because I'm imagining myself You know I don't rape people I've never raped anyone What if someone was that Fucking evil To make this up You identified immediately

With the guy who was Who might have been Falsely accused Rather than the woman Who was raped And the only reason is Is because That's interesting

I didn't have a face Or any But there's a reason Somebody doesn't want Is embarrassed Maybe to be no You know I face, but there's a reason. Somebody is embarrassed, maybe, to be known. I'm not saying there's a reason, but she was a very funny person I talked to, man. So as a comic, it's just like, you know,

at least Cosby's victims got raped by Cosby is a joke that may or may not have been told to me. Do you understand? That's a funny person. And that's part of the problem with this mob. People don't want to be known as the person who got raped. It's not a fucking trophy for most people. And a lot of people that I assumed wanted to have victimhood, the majority of them are terrified.

And that's what it is. There's only a few that are psychotic and want, because they don't feel. So they want, ooh, victimhood, ooh, I'll have that is what I'm known for. There's only a very few kind of people like that. So this is not really fair, but so having, now that you've really studied this issue and know more about it and have opened your mind to it, what do you think about all the accusations against Bill Clinton? I think that's a question you should keep asking over and over again to every one of

these fucking self-righteous, because if that's the standard we're applying, you i don't i mean trump's a nightmare to me and i and the only thing about trump forget about trump but just this is my disclaimer yeah all these young women that love hillary there's people that are going okay hillary okay fucking barry crimmons goes don't sell her to me as the feminist option she couldn't be more patriarchy if she had an 11-inch cock. I think criminals is hysterical. So, like, they're too young to remember she's a sociopath, the same as Trump. They're, like, too young to remember.

They're just like, oh, it's like she's a woman that did it. Like wearing a Shea t-shirt for 30 and younger women. Listen, they had this article on the front page of the Times about Trump. He called some woman hun and he told her to put on a bathing suit. Do you remember that? They fight these wrong.

There are two women who cannot get through an interview about Bill Clinton without bursting into tears. They literally can't compose themselves to tell the story. You should bring it up every time. I would just bring that up every time because that's the fucking main thing I was

enraged about is that little... Now look, Ann Coulter has some terrible ideas, okay? She's been on my show Race Wars, right? She's a nice person. I like her. Everybody likes her. Everybody who knows her likes her. I used to make a joke to her like can you imagine how much cum you have swallowed at restaurants from Angry Kitchens?

I mean, she's had you know so i was watching the roast dude and the rose like dude it's not that she was set up but why would you put her on the roast first of all if you're against her message it's see that's not that wasn't cool and and she wasn't the one she is what she is with her politics but she's the sacrificial piñata ever since they had Mike's situation. I don't like that, man. It's ugly that they started booking, we're going to have another situation this year. Right? And this is going to be our

liberal piñata. Mike's situation, the guy from the Jersey Shore who bombed. Right. Now, that was a good faith effort that he fucked up, okay? He was doing his best, but people wanted to hate him already. I was there though. This was way worse.

What was ugly about Ann Coulter is even if you're like, oh, she's terrible. I hope that happened to her. It's still promoting her fucking book. Someone like me who doesn't agree with her, I'm sympathizing with her because it was fucked up. She had literally no chance.

Even if she's crazy enough to want to be hated to promote shit, you shouldn't be. You're supposed to be the good guys. Right? We want Hillary. And I'm watching you with all the same fucking bloodlust and lynch a black guy spirit. And you just found your acceptable one. Go fuck yourselves. That's right.

You're absolutely right. There was something. They don't like her, but there was something different that I'd ever seen before. They were really hateful towards her. But I'm like held to task for a Facebook comment. I called Rihanna a stupid bitch in a comment. It was like seven years ago when she got back with Chris Barron after he beat her up. Okay?

And it was actually used to make me look like I have no record of domestic violence. It's been used online that I'm like a wife choker. It's unbelievable. Okay? Even my ex was like, you didn't even do that. Why do you hyperbolize so much? And I do because I have my dumb religion. I think I'm being confessional and I just dramatize shit. And so

that comment, some crazy person wanted to use against me, you know? But wait, there's a reason I brought this up. Why did I interrupt you though? I just forgot the reason. Go ahead. You didn't interrupt me. I brought it up for a reason. What. Why did I interrupt you, though? I just forgot the reason. No, you didn't. Go ahead. You didn't interrupt me. I brought it up for a reason. I don't remember. What were we just talking about?

God damn it. Ann Coulter, right? Ann Coulter being the correct person to... Yeah, okay, so... No, I was talking about Bill Clinton. I don't know if that's what it got to. But, so, okay, that's horrible language. I made friends with a feminist in Chicago who I like a lot.

She's a nice person. Upset that I called Rihanna a stupid bitch seven years ago. By the way, she was being a stupid bitch in the parlance of who I hang out with. But I've been told that's co-opting their culture. That's not horrible language. Okay, but if you're going to take it like that, that that's so horrible, then when Ann Colt is up there and people are telling her she looks like an abortion, like, see, a roast, this is why it's evil.

A roast is supposed to be people who love you. Patrice always said this. He wouldn't do it except Sheen gave the finger to the industry. That's why Patrice did it. But it's not supposed to be ugly. It's supposed to be your friends that love you. So if Ann Colter's up there, it's because you love her, not because you hate her. Because it's supposed to be telling the truth to your friend.

Like the ultimate power when they go telling truth. That's the ultimate power, your friend's feelings. So now you're going to tell the truth to power and we all laugh. Okay? So the jokes are supposed to be true. That's built in power, your friend's feelings. So now you're going to tell the truth to power and we all laugh. Right. Okay? So the jokes are supposed to be true. That's why they're good roast jokes. They're not just,

you're an abortion face. She's not ugly. Okay? That's not reality. So you can already see she has eating disorder. Why are you pelting her? If you give a shit so much about a woman's feelings,

like, I'm not buying it. That mob shit's all mean girl. But I don't call it feminism. I call it big sister. The people who are actual feminists that I end up speaking to were very kind and reasonable. The mob is called big sister.

And that's a lot of people, same as these alt-right trolls who I was fighting with the week before. They hate themselves. Dude, I don't hate read Salon anymore. I would get up every day and go to Salon to read stuff. What am I, married to these people? Like, what am I doing? I don't give a salon anymore. Right. I would get up every day and go to salon and to read stuff. What am I married to these people? Like, what am I doing? I don't give a shit how they feel.

Why am I doing it? Because I want the little rush. And that's what this mob is. They want their hate rush. And they feel so guilty if they just speak honestly about a different gender or race. They save all their hate up and use it on their. Here, guys. Here's your Ann Coulter.

Tear her apart. That's not. You're not better than me. All of you. Well, you're okay's your Ann Coulter. Tear her apart. That's not, you're not better than me. All of you. Well, you're okay. I'm not, I mean, you know. No, no, you're a thousand percent right. And, uh, listen, just in defense of Ann Coulter, we know her, and

she comes here sometimes, she can defend every opinion that she has. But she's baiting, too. See, it's always baiting to trick you into the fight, because I bet what Ann developed is, was she's very, she knows baiting too. See, it's always baiting to trick you into the fight because I bet what Anne developed this was she's very she knows all her facts and she says something provocative to make you go, oh, you're a... And then she can defend.

And you look like a simpleton. Right. And by the way, people are. Most people go, oh, I hate her. And they're very close friends of mine. Lots of people. And people that are like, you know, I don't want to even piss them off because they're ahead of me in the industry. They go, oh, I hate her.

Why would she say? They don't even know. They don't know. They heard a thing about a thing. And that's what happened to me. And these people don't know me. I'm not an aggressive. To make me out to be a bro, reap apologies.

I'm not aggressive with women. I never have been, ever, where I'm like. I find that hard to believe. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. No, it's because I look like a Frankenstein. And you have the manner and gait of one too. So that's just the thing. For something like that

it's got to be aware of how I'm coming off to people so I don't frighten them. I wanted to make my one more point about Ann Coulter that makes me, that I think is her ultimate, the ultimate reason that people should give her more respect is that she, it's not just that she believes and can back up what she says. She will sit down and discuss respectfully with anybody. She will not interrupt. She doesn't condescend.

She never gets nasty. She will discuss it. She's no Nazi. Terrible to call. I'll make another point to you. I like her. I like her. If racism is the worst thing

you can accuse somebody of, it's a career render. It's the only, like I said before, you can beat your kids and you can go to work the next day and nobody cares. It's not.

Nothing's a career render. It's how you handle it. And if you handle it poorly, then it will be. The only thing they're going to make you sell your NBA team for is for using the N-word. They don't make you disgorge your team if you beat your son.

I'm on your side with this, but it's way oversimplified. First of all, they don't end your career. The thing happens, and then how do you handle it? And that's what everybody watches more than the actual thing. So in every case, they fucked up their dismount, these guys. You may be able to avoid it, but the only thing. So in every case, they fucked up their dismount, these guys. You may be able to avoid it, but the only thing... Dog the Bounty Hunter went right back to work, and what he said's worse than Kramer

and what he said's worse than all of them. You're missing my point. The only thing they say off with your head for, whether you can avoid the mob or not, the only thing is off your head for is racism. If they find out that the owner of an NBA team smacked his kid, beat his kid, they do not

say, let's take his team away from him. Bill O'Reilly dragged his ex-wife down the stairs by her hair, right? He's still on Fox News. Bill O'Reilly calls somebody the N-word, he's done. Okay, but just listen. Racism's just hot right now. That's not a thing of like there's an unfair... First of all,

it's not... So hot, right? Yeah, you can get away with... I was only making a point about Ann Calder, but they'll turn around and they will call her a Nazi. A Nazi, and that's okay to call somebody. But listen, she's stoking that herself. The part of her that's fake, because people go, is she for real?

No, she's for real on her points. The part that's not for real is when she's upsetting you, trying to beat you in. That's her little Andy Kindler thing she's doing. And by the way, look, it's pro-wrest when she's upsetting you trying to beat you in that's her little andy andy kindler thing she's doing and by the way she's look it's pro wrestling the people who are hipsters and think they're huffington post they're pro wrestling fans in their brains and anne's giving them their pro wrestling villain so that's that's on her that they're still you know she's look i'm i'm gonna stop doing what i did to stoke them up but that's what she does that's her brand i just know it's too mentally hard on me at some point.

I'm not, I never worry about my fucking career. Reapers get work. You made a good point. I never thought my career would be over. Fucking, you can rape and work. That's right. Okay, but. Don't say the N word.

No, yeah, you can still work if you say the N word. I do. I have a show and I do it. It's the thing of afterwards, how you handle it. You've never called somebody the N-word. I don't have a thing, though, building up about me. This is why you're wrong about it. It's not so sensitive.

It'll be let go for quite some time being a little overtly racist. But if you build it up long enough, then when you have your big one, now all that shit works against you. And I'm not. I don't have a history of being racist. If I said a thing like that, I mean, there's a bunch of people like, no, he's not like that.

And all I gotta do, hey, sorry, anybody that, your friends that I hurt, that's all you gotta do. Because, Kumiya, by the way, who, by the way, fuck that bitch that he called her names. Fuck her. The one that beat him up with his camera. Kumiya. Right? Who's this? Anthony. Anthony Kumiya. Oh, Kumiya. I didn't understand you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, it's not that he... Fuck that here. Right? What was this? Anthony. Anthony. Oh, call me. I don't understand you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's not that he. Fuck that bitch. Why? For attacking someone in the street because you saw a camera. No, that's not cool. But what's not cool. And that's why he had the anger to be like, no, I'm not. But that's not who he needed to apologize to.

Right. Any friends he has. And he has lots of friends that are black. Like, what if they thought he's talking. You know, Dante said to me, he's like, what did my mother have to do with this? And she's 80. I believe him, and people don't even believe him, but I believe him when he says he didn't mean all the black people.

But people don't believe him. But I think he was saying the specific people there. I kind of believe him. But then he tweeted, I called her an N-I character, character E-R, because she was one. Well, it's stupid. But see, that's the thing. Or character, character. I haven't she was one. Yeah, well, it's stupid. But see, that's the thing is... Or character, character.

I haven't seen him because, you know, he got, for his drinking, he had to go fucking rehab, dude. So I hope, you know, I'm glad he went. I hope he's better. But that anger shit? But he didn't apologize. He should have apologized. Because, but not, listen, I don't feel like I lost my balls in any way for any apology.

I mean, the shit I'm sorry for is what I'm sorry for. And there's a ton of people that are that mob that are angry. Okay? I'm not fired from anything. I'm going to the Emmys this weekend. Okay?

In fact, Amy was nice and helped me get a ticket for Karen because I'm fine. So, those people, they're upset

if I'm not the monster that they want a pro wrestling monster and they want, ooh, this is going to be our new one like Ann Coulter. You can go with it and make that your career or, like, I don't want a career wrestling monster. And they want, ooh, this is going to be our new one, like Ann Coulter. You can go with it and make that your career.

I don't want a career of that. So what happened to me is I'm going to have to either go pro with it or just maybe spend my time on better shit. So I'm going that way. That's what happens. There was one aspect to it. We do have to wrap it.

There was one aspect of it which I did wonder about, and I don't know if you wanted to talk about it, but Amy probably was getting some flack. She tweeted, listen, I love Kurt. He's a great writer, but I did wonder about, and I don't know if you want to talk about it, but Amy probably was getting some flack. She tweeted, listen, I love Kurt. He's a great writer, but I disagree with what he's doing right now. No, she said she's disappointed. Listen, here's the thing. When it started to go up, I go, whatever you feel,

whatever will help you. Because it's outrageous that her name... She is not responsible for me. There's no show. I don't work for her. That's not even that my name's not big enough. That's actually greed. They're like, ooh, now we can make this a fucking... Because feminism's their turf.

That Amy... If they were feminists, they would be proud of her that a woman made this out of herself. Okay? But they're not. They're like Professor Taco Truck I spoke to. They don't get why they took 80 grand on a gender studies fucking degree and they're in a taco truck. spoke to. They don't get why they took 80 grand on a gender studies fucking

degree, and they're in a taco truck. That's why any woman could write better than Kurt Metzger. Well, Karen pointed this out. Which women? Do you have any names? Because I can name seven women right now who I think would do just as good a job as me, Miss Feminist. Can you tell me the women? Oh, just women, because you're mediocre and you like this group shit because you blend in. You're noting nobody and amy they call her like a pop she's like a sellout feminist and it's not fair whatever she did is it's not fair that she was put in this situation i feel bad that she got into it because of me but really it's mostly their shittiness that brought her into it since i was not i was under a contract if i was writing for the show i would you don't see no fucking post

from me because i gotta do i gotta work right so i writing for the show, you don't see no fucking posts from me because I got to work. Right. So I'm like, you know what? Why don't I, on my downtime, I'll just work all the time. And oh, that weirdo I heard about? It's fine.

I don't need to be on Facebook wasting my fucking energy. Anthony Kumi is here. Where? Right behind you. Get the fuck out of here. He looks good. Hey, man.

Isn't that amazing? Dude, yeah. My point is that, first of all, they want to bring Amy in. I want to ask him so bad. He don't want to talk to me. They want to bring Amy into it because, obviously, that means a lot of clicks. Here's how I know what they want. Wait, wait.

You said one thing. You said, don't bring Amy in. I'm doing just what she wanted me to do. No, she's doing what I told her to do. She's doing what she told her to do. It sounds like an order I know. No, no. It sounded like you undercut her in a way that maybe this was just for public consumption.

It didn't really reflect her views. Yeah, well, that's why social media sucks. It's really what I was doing was trying to tell the animals that were then going to go, you defended her on that joke thievery. Right. Look what a cunt she is. That's what I was planning for. But see, that's why there's no point in wasting.

It's literally, who am I going to blame for me putting out my thoughts for free to these fucking morons because I think I'm a loser and I want to confess to who? These animals? You see what they did to Dan Coulter? Why would I fucking owe them anything? The bad rep, oh, Kurt's a domestic abuser that's because of the comment I made

on my page it's not you didn't hear about me doing nothing so I'm giving them the shit like it's if you put yourself out like that

it's a dumb way to get your point across and if you want to make money off it that's what that is a cottage industry of I'll tell you what there was a player

it was for the Mets a baseball player Ellis Valentine and he was a big star and he was a great hitter. It was for the Mets, a baseball player, Ellis Valentine. And he was a big star, and he was a great hitter, and he got hit in the head with a baseball one time. And then he kind of lost his nerve a little, and he never really recovered fully.

And I just worry with you that whatever you went through, that you don't overreact because you had one little thing, but what you were doing was great. First of all, number one, yeah, because, yeah, I know it was. I was giving it away. That's what I was doing that was stupid. You were also building a following. You weren't just giving it away.

Well, now that following can buy a fucking ticket, because I'll tell you what, I was undercutting myself, and I didn't understand it until I had this woman, Alicia. Did you expect me to believe you have low self-esteem? You're an Emmy Award-winning writer. You write for Comedy Central,

which I do, and I'm like, you know, I mean, but award winning writer. You write for Comedy Central. Which I do. And I'm like, you know, but Comedy Central, I didn't think it was a big deal for that. I never even understood that it was a thing until this person is angrily yelling at me. Well, it is a big deal. Yeah, so I'm like, okay, I don't have to do that no more. I could

be a little smarter. But Barry Crimmins is a dude that, listen, you should have him on. He's a funny fucking dude, but if Dan doesn't beat him with you. If that guy hadn't helped me out, it wouldn't have worked out

so fucking perfect. And now on stage, I'm better than I was. I was in a rut before all that shit. Could you plug the show that you're about to do? You're doing a show.

October 4th with Barry Crimmins. I'm going to be at the Village Underground. Andy Letterman. Barry Crimmins is going to be here too? Yeah. He's bringing me on, dude.

I don't know. We haven't worked out what he wants to do because I'm not making him like my feature, but it's Barry Crimmins, going to be here too? Yeah. He's bringing me on, dude. I don't know. We haven't worked out what he wants to do. Because I'm not making him like my feature. But it's Barry Crimmins, me, and Annie Letterman is either hosting or something in between us. It's going to be a good show. Oh, that's fantastic. All right. Well, Dan, do you have any other things for Kurt?

No, no, no, no, no. Listen, that guy, I never lost it. Any nerve at all, I have much more. And instead of losing my nerve, I lost kind of a chip on my shoulder that was holding me back. I mean, seriously. But that's because of that dude, Barry. I'm telling you, that guy's the best dude. He's funny as fuck. All right.

Well, anyway, and I hope I didn't say anything wrong. We all take any barbaric action of man to man. I didn't care for your loud Jew tone, to be honest. Anything terrible that one human being does to another, we take seriously, of course. That's it. Yeah, no, I know. I know you are like that.

That's why you have to make sure. Dude, I'm just mindful of how to make somebody understand it because I found out that it's really in those kind of girly rooms where the predators are. It's not at the cellar table. And then because I'm fighting with them, there's a vibe that this is what's mean and it's not. This is what's nice. This is like a family thing. They're not. It's like all

exclusion and mean girl shit. And that's where predators live. And they dress like hipsters and they say the right words. And they wait to pound. They wait for the end. Well, anyway, Kurt, you're always welcome here. Thanks, buddy. I'm a big admirer of yours, as are a lot of people.

And Dan, that's it. Good night, everybody. Good night.