The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Jordan Jensen

Episode Date: September 3, 2021

Jordan Jensen is from upstate NY, where she started started doing stand up. After a brief love affair with Nashville, she moved to Brooklyn where she was selected to be a new face of JFL. She is Comedy Cellar regular and opens for Louis CK.

This is Live from the Table, the official podcast of New York's world-famous comedy cellar, coming at you on SiriusXM 99. Raw dog! And on the Laugh Button Podcast Network, Dan Natterman here, along with Noam Dorman, owner of the world-famous comedy cellar. Perrielle Ashenbrand is with us. She's the producer of the show. She has somehow managed to become an on-air personality.

Again, that just kind of evolved. But here we are. Noam is coming to us from home. I guess, Noam, you are not feeling well, or you just didn't feel like coming into the studio. You're Zooming it tonight. I feel fine. I have kids over, and I don't know.

I kind of like doing it from home. I kind of like Zoom. What are we going to do about that? Zoom is okay, but sometimes we have sound issues. If we're mindful of that... We should correct the sound issues because I just kind of like doing it from home. I'm like the rest of America. I don't want to come to work

anymore. I thought we agreed that it's much more like energetically vibey when we're all in the studio. I didn't agree with that. No. Yes, you did. Well, yeah, he totally acquiesced that it was like, yeah, it is a better. Yeah, well, but his heart wasn't in it. I mean, he just was like, yes, dear.

Yes, dear. But you look great in that dress. But, you know, it wasn't it wasn't in it. I mean, he just was like, yes, dear. Yes, dear. But you look great in that dress. But, you know, it wasn't it wasn't heartfelt. I'm an acquiescer, but I can't have this mask thing with you. It's just it's I just can't. It's so funny to me. I just. You know, I was told that you wear a mask when you gallivant around here, too.

I wear a mask when I feel like I'm around a bunch of strangers who might have COVID. I try to set a good example, but I wouldn't be wearing a mask alone with you and Dan. Well, that's interesting, given Dan's current situation. I think if you knew that you might be changing your tune. Does he have COVID? No, my current situation is a couple. Yesterday, I felt a bit off i mean any nor any probably any person would have just

dismissed it as you know nothing but me being me i did feel a bit off so i went to get a rapid test at city md and it was negative oh it was a beautiful test it was negative um and it was a rapid test but so it's not as accurate as the PCR, whatever. But the fact is, is I don't have any, I can smell. I don't have a headache. I don't have muscle. I just felt a bit off. And I think most people would have just said whatever,

but I was being extra cautious. I got a test. Yeah, I respect that. Have you had your third shot yet? I had my third shot. I haven't, but I will when I can. You can, just make an appointment and go get it. There's nobody stopping you. Yeah haven't, but I will when I can. You can. Just make an appointment and go get it. There's nobody stopping you.

Yeah, but don't I have to get a specific... I got the Johnson Johnson, so which shot do I need? Oh, forget about that. That's like a placebo. Go and get Moderna. Oh, my God. Now, you're saying that a booster shot is literally any shot. It could be Moderna. It could be Pfizer. What is it exactly? Let me just first have a

disclaimer that I'm not a doctor and don't follow my medical advice. Dr. Dorman, what do you have for him? I will say that throughout the world, they are mixing brands. The J&J is kind of the laughing stock right now. I just saw in Iceland, I think they have predominantly J&J breakthrough, in fact, or twice. I think 20% of the people vaccinated are J&J in Iceland and 40% of the breakthroughs are J&J. But also there was a Mayo Clinic study, which shows that the Moderna is considerably more effective than the Pfizer at preventing infection, like 30 or 40 points higher. So you're saying just get any Moderna shot. Yeah, get a Moderna shot.

That's what I would do. And so just go to the drugstore or whatever, the CVS? Yeah, that's what I would do. I'm not advising people at home to do that because I'm not a doctor, but I'm playing one on my podcast. But that's what I would do, Dan. I wouldn't get another J&J. I'm not going to get another J&J.

I'm just saying I just didn't know if you were able to mix and match like that, like if a booster had to be the same shot as the original shot. Some people even think that by mixing it, you get a wider band of immunity. But if you Google a Mayo Clinic Moderna study or whatever it is, you'll see what I'm referring to. Okay. By the way, Jordan, speaking of Johnson and Johnson, we got Jordan Jensen coming in a little bit. And the vaccine is called the Jansen. So don't be confused. Jordan is not affiliated with the vaccine. But before we get to that, I did know him,

especially because you're a musician, did want to bring up the passing of Rolling Stone drummer Charlie Watts, who died this week at the age of 80. The cause of death has not been revealed, but he has been in ill health for a while. He had, I believe, throat cancer back in 2004, and I guess he's had health issues since then. But anyway, he has left us this week and obviously there's an outpouring of emotion on the social media um there there was a story by the way i don't know if it's true or if it's not true apparently according to the story a drunken mcjagger called up Charlie Watts one night and said,

where's my fucking drummer? It's a bad impression, but whatever. And Charlie Watts, because I guess they were supposed to meet or something, I don't know. Apparently, Charlie got his clothes on, went to Mick's hotel room, punched Mick in the face and said, I'm not your drummer. You're my fucking singer. That's amazing.

So whether that happened or not, I don't know. But it raises the question. It doesn't beg the question, because that's a misuse of happened or not i don't know but it it it it raises the question doesn't beg the question because that's a misuse of the expression begs the question it raises the you didn't you didn't mention that in your book by the way and uh you yeah but go ahead to beg the question thing yeah that says you know i could have put that in there it's something i it is the kind of thing i might have included, but didn't. Yeah. But it raises the question. Who's right? Is Charlie Watts Mick's drummer or is Mick Charlie Watts singer? I think I think I think most people would just assume that Mick is by far the more important member of the band.

I mean, I would say that what Charlie Watts was trying to say is you're not the head of this band. We're a co-equal band. And I don't work for you. was trying to say is you're not the head of this band. We're a co-equal band. I don't work for you. I don't work for you. I'm not your drummer. I'm the drummer. Where's our drummer? Point taken.

You might not have meant it that way. But is there any case that can be made that Charlie Watts is anywhere near as important or was to the band. I'm not a musician. You understand? None whatsoever. You know, I mean, Mick is the front man. Mick. Okay, so let's put it this way.

Charlie Watts. First of all, Charlie Watts is a good drummer by all accounts. And you can listen to the records. They're good. He's not full of personality on the drums, but he very solid he is interesting to me and the stones are interesting to me is that he's not a loud drummer i think he even holds the stick side stick like a jazz player um and so so it's an interesting rock band because they don't lead with the loud bass and drums it's really all about keith richard's guitar so guitar. Charlie Watts was sick and the Stones were on

tour and they have this guy, I forget his name, he's a famous drummer. It'll come to me. They just go on and probably nobody really notices the difference, right? But I don't think they could even consider touring if Keith Richards were

under the weather. He is completely the sound of that band and the lifeblood of that band. So, yeah, without Keith, and how could they tour without Mick? But I dare say, I can't really imagine them touring without Mick Jagger, but musically,

they could probably sound closer to the Stones with a guest singer than they could without Keith Richards. He's he's a totally singular or unique dude. That's amazing to hear that. I mean, I wouldn't tour without either of them. Yeah.

What about Ron? He was the bassist or is the Ron, Ron Wood is a second guitarist. He's all right. You know, apparently he and he and Keith Richards have a good rapport, which is, you know, something you can't measure in a band. It just comes through in kind of like a happy, buoyant sound in a band. And they like playing together.

They don't step on each other's toes and they vibe together. Like, you know, like I do with Nick, you know, at Theology sometimes. And then their original bass player, Bill Wy Wyman's been out of the band for a long time so that's it I never really got the whole Charlie Watts thing other than he's just

a very solid he has this interesting style where he doesn't hit the hi-hat at the same time as a snare which is very unique or very unique now to drummers. But it's not like, so Ringo Starr gets a bum rap, but you can't cover those Beatles songs without playing exactly those Ringo Starr fills that have so much personality and are so unique. Everybody remembers them. The song didn't even sound right without them.

Ringo was just this quirky really interesting guy who really contributed to the just the whole thing and i don't i don't know charlie watts the same way like satisfaction he plays that motown beat but you know that's not his beat well you know i'm not musician enough to um to really question what you're saying but i think it's interesting but i think you know because he's highly regarded he is highly regarded by he's a rolling stone so obviously you know he's an important person the thing about music is that especially with that kind of music it's it's greater than the sum of his parts it's not it's not it's not required that each musician

have spectacular skills and music it's it's that all the musicians together can can create a vibe and a sound and there's a lot of forbearance that goes into meaning like it's it's what you don't play which is it's also the writing i i would imagine it's also the writing is huge yeah but i'm talking about just talking about just performance. What you don't play is huge, you know, and the decision not to play certain things. Charlie Watts could very well have tremendous technique that he's just holding back because he just doesn't think it's right for the song.

But you can't argue with the songs. I mean, their records, their good records are great. I noticed, by the way, is it unrelated, but on the schedule tonight, I noticed Al Franken here at the Comedy Cellar. That's significant because even though Al has played here before, I've never seen him on the schedule under his own name. I told him, Al, we got to put your name on the line number.

You got to take a hike. You're going to have to go over to the stand and they're not vaccinated over there. That's what I told him. No, I'm kidding. I think he just decided he'd like to be listed. I think that it's

nice in a certain way for him to be listed. I think he probably enjoys being listed. What's the downside for Al Franken? It's not like when Aziz, if Aziz was listed, there's a run at the door. A huge crowd is going to show up. It's not like,

it's not going to be overrun with people wanting to see Al Franken, but we will get people making reservations who are more excited to see Al Franken. So it's a better audience for him. Right. And then he's like, he's like one of the guys again, you know,

and in his seventies and he's, he's like a working comedian again. I think it's very, it's very sweet. I really liked the guy. I don't know that he was ever a working comedian in the past, Noam. I think he was a writer. I think this is sort of a beginning of his stand-up.

Yeah, you're right. I don't know if he was a stand-up comedian, but he was a working person in comedy show business, doing SNLs. Just one of the guys again. Well, I look forward to watching him, as I have mentioned. I don't know if I've mentioned on the podcast. I mean, I don't watch a lot of comics.

I've been watching Jim Norton of late. And I enjoy watching Al Franken because how often do you get to see a senator talking about his experience in the U.S. Senate? I mean, it's like, okay, there's a bunch of comics, and we all have good jokes, and that's great. But what's even more interesting to me after being in comedy for so long is to hear somebody with a point of view that's very, very different,

whether it be Jim Norton sucking off trannies or Al Franken's experiences in the Senate, you know, talking about his interactions with Chuck Grassley on the subway, for example. You know, it may not necessarily be the most howlingly funny thing, but how often do you get to hear somebody talking about interacting with Chuck Grassley? But I think he's really funny.

He is funny, but I'm saying pound for pound, is he killing harder than anybody else? No, I mean, not to, you know, I don't think, but... Pound for pound, killing harder? No, but pound for pound, is he more... But it's interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it going to be a highlight of people's show? Yeah, absolutely. Unless they're, you know, have no idea. I suppose a lot of kids don't even know how frank it is.

But if you are aware of the world. And, you know, and they just know the guy was in the Senate, you know, and that's, you know. If you're into politics in any way, then seeing Al Franken at the cellar is awesome. Yeah. So, like, for you, it's a dream come true. But I think even judging by the audience's reaction, I don't know if you've gotten any emails, the people saying specifically that they enjoyed it or not. Yeah, we got some. People like him. But it just seems like they're really happy to see him.

This is the vibe I get when I've watched him in the past, and I'll probably watch him tonight. He's pretty short, right? I didn't realize how short he was. Well, he has a joke about that, doesn't he? Yeah, he does. Chuck Grassley saying, I'm not going to do the joke, but Chuck Grassley says, you look taller. I don't know.

You're shorter than you are on television. But he actually is, and he's pretty short. But he's got these big manly hands. But it's not shocking that a jewish comedian is short you know that i mean i i never thought of it i just never never i never thought of it one way or the other but the notion that stuart smalley is short isn't shocking he he you know he's he's not the kind of presence where you would like tom cruise you would think he's tall because he's kicking people's ass and playing superheroes and so when you see tom cruise is short that's makes an impression because wait a minute isn't it

doesn't this guy save the world how tall was paul newman look it up i think he was short ish you're like my highlight or sylvester salone is short it's another guy you're like well you're kicking ass on screen you're taking on single-handedly going into Vietnam and saving whatever he was doing. And I didn't see the first. No, I saw the first Rambo. I didn't see the second Rambo. But the point is,

that's a person you might think would be tall. Well, it says here that Sylvester Stallone was 5'10". Oh, so he's not that short. For some reason, I thought he was short. And it also says that Paul Newman is 5'10", but I had always heard that he was shorter. He's like 5'8". Who knows?

I don't know anything about music, but I'm going to say this anyway. What do you know about? I know about a lot of things. What would you say is your thing you know the most about? If you had to design a Jeopardy category for yourself, what would you pick? Are you asking

this in a hostile way? Of course. Don't you hear the fucking tone of it in a curious way? Well, I mean, you wouldn't probably ask this of most people. So look, look at him. It just feels like this is a question you're asking her because you doubt that she has knowledge about anything. He's I will say he's always shocked and sometimes apologetic, frankly, when he finds out that I'm much more knowledgeable than he would like for me to be.

When did that happen? It's happened a few times. My most recently it happened with the jam with a blueberry jam in Maine. You have to apologize for that. Yes, that's true. She, the jam was a blueberry jam in Maine. You have to apologize for that. Yes, that's true. She, the jam was too sweet. I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't believe that she'd actually follow the directions,

but after it sat for a while, it lost some of its sweetness. So I had to apologize for assuming that she was because I'll be honest, you know, we, she had to scale the recipe. It involved fractions, Dan. And I was just sure she, it was so sweet. I was sure she had messed up the math. And when it turned out she hadn't, I apologized. So yes.

He was so sure of himself and he was such a jerk about it, right? Like I was making blueberry jam and he was just you know in the kitchen like he has any fucking idea what he's talking about that i know this is sweet i'm ruining the jam noam can mansplain with the best of him but to his credit he does apologize readily when wrong that's true what one has to say would you want to answer noam's question or you found it too condescending even going to answer that what would your jeopard, no, I'm happy. Or you found it too condescending to even gain to answer that? What would your Jeopardy category think? It's an interesting question.

What would your Jeopardy category think? It's an interesting question. I know, I don't know, I have eclectic knowledge. I know a lot about, I know a lot about fashion. I know a lot about art. I know a lot about literature. I know a decent amount about philosophy. I know a pretty decent amount about comedy. I know a lot about writing.

You want me to keep going? No, mine would be the Great Lakes. What would yours be, Dan? French, the French language. French language. Aviation, though my knowledge is not, I mean, it's atrophied somewhat. The Stanford, Connecticut. I don't think I have any good Jeopardy category for myself. Well, music. Yeah. No, you know. Well, music. Yeah.

No, you know a lot about history. No. Yes, you do. Not about the stuff. I know a lot about history that pertains to things that might be going on in the news now. You know a lot about the Middle East. You know a lot about the Middle East. In Jeopardy, they're going to ask about, you know,

the Ottoman Empire, the Peloponnesian War, like, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, things like this. I don't know what the fuck those things are. I mean, it was World War II and World War I, Austro-Hungary. I mean, I don't really know. I know a lot about serial killers and like psychopathy stuff.

Do we have any word on Jordan Jensen? Well, I had spoken to her earlier today and she confirmed that she was here. But you're dealing with comedians. They can be unreliable unless, of course, unless it's a spot and then they're very reliable. No, I spoke to her today and she said she would be here. At what time? At 7 o'clock.

I told her she'd be going on at 7.15. Well, maybe you could send her a text. I already sent her a text. Okay. going on at 7 15 uh well maybe you could send her it i already sent her a text okay she just said just walking out of west fourth now okay so she'll be here at moment wait i want to tell you something because i thought i thought of you when i saw this um somebody posted on social media today keith a video of keith richards uh that was taken a few years ago, I think, saying that Charlie Watts is one of the best drummers in the world. And it's because of how good Charlie Watts is that Keith is able to do what he does on the guitar.

Who said that? Keith Richards. I don't know. That may well be. Again, I'm not musician enough to dispute that. And, you know, obviously Keith would know better than I. It was interesting. Now, of course, they're all friends.

So, you know, he's obviously going to be complimentary. Well, I mean, it wasn't like an obituary, right? Like he was just it was in an interview. I thought it was an interesting thing. And I wondered I actually wondered what Noam would say say but i guess now we know that it's uh i think i think they like playing together you know i mean he's not one of the the um standout drummers in terms of a technical thing or in terms of inventing you know unique beats he's not like steve gadd or you know the guy like did like 50 Ways to Lead Your Lover

and his play with Chick Corea and play with Paul Simon and James Taylor and Steely Dan and like one of these guys who could like be a chameleon and be innovative in so many different genres. He's not that kind of drummer, but he's a really, really solid drummer. I'm not trying to badmouth Charlie Watts.

I mean, the Stones are great. Hello, Jordan Jensen just joined us. And how alliterative was that? Jordan Jensen just joins Jews. Jordan is now a regular at a comedy cellar. And she opens for Louis C.K. And we expect big things from her. And I won't make the same mistake with Jordan that I made with Amy Schumer.

I'm going to stick right by her. I'm not going to. You abandoned Amy Schumer? I didn't necessarily abandon her, but when she was a nobody, I didn't make an effort to be friends with her, and I think it literally cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars. I think if I had only stuck by her, I probably would have at least gotten a job writing on her show.

Were you stuck to her for a brief moment? No, I just treated her like anybody else. You treated her like... I treated her like anybody else. Like a woman. Even when it was obvious that she was heading in an upward direction, I didn't make any extra effort. Well... So I don't plan on repeating that mistake with you well that's great there's lots of favors you could do for me I have lots of things I needed done

which by the way isn't to say that I know for sure that Jordan's gonna hit big but I think that things are looking good I think she's got a better chance than most one can never predict anything in this business, but, you know, if you play the odds. It's almost discouraging because you didn't have high hopes for Amy and look at her now. No, I did have high hopes for Amy. I just didn't play, I just, I'm very real and I didn't, I didn't. Right. I mean, the fact that I'm optimistic about something.

The fact of the matter is, is Amy, Amy and I, you know, we, we weren't,, you know, we're not kindred spirits. We're not, nothing drew us to each other. So I would have had to have been a phony with her. Do you feel like we're kindred spirits? Well, I feel with you, it's a little more natural. That's nice. I feel it's a little more natural. Our, I wouldn't necessarily call it a friendship at this point, but whatever it is, I feel

it's a little more natural than it was. I feel like I get along with you better than I get along with Amy. That's not, yes. I let you watch me eat sometimes. I share my chips with you. I don't know if it's necessarily. more natural than it was i feel like i get along with you better than i got along with amy that's not yes i let you watch me eat sometimes i share my chips with you i don't know if it's necessarily creepy but i have chips in front of me that you eat all of that's happened has that happened yeah no i have issues in that area and i do me too i really do as well but the good news is you're on a strict diet so i'm kind of doing you a favor i've fallen off the diet was i on keto you were telling

me you were only eating 1200 oh yeah well that's forever that was me no that's me as well oh me too really why is that 1400 calories a day i've been at 12 1200 or lower for 10 years now because of uh i used to be i used to have type 2 diabetes oh wow it wow. I was a big fat fatty, as Dan has said to me before. You were a big fat fatty? That's what he said. I say that because you're not anymore, so it's funny. I know, but the way that you said it, there was so much love in your eyes when you asked it, but your words betrayed you.

You wanted to be like, oh, I didn't know that you used to be overweight, but what came out was the comedian, and you said, oh, did you used to be a big fat fatty? Right, but it's all tone, as we know in comedy. Mark Norman said he used to be a big fat fatty? Right, but it's all tone, as we know, in comedy. Mark Norman said he used to be a big fat fatty, and I don't believe it for a second. Yeah, he said that he used to be really overweight. Yes, I just don't buy it. I can smell it on people.

It's like my gaydar. Are you saying because he's a little too confident that you don't see a former fatty in there? I don't see a former fatty in there. I know when there's a former fatty. I'm very good at picking up on it, and I don't see one in there. He might have been a little bit of a tub scout.

He might have been a little chubby chubberson, but he wasn't a big fat fatty. Well, you would know better than I, because my former fatty radar is not, I guess, as well-tuned as yours. Oh, yeah. But he does seem to have a lot of confidence for a man that used that used to you you

would think somebody that was had weight problems would be a little less have a little less uh savoir faire with women yes yes yes that is true be a little bit more neurotic but you know that could just be sometimes that you can fake it till you make it i will say yeah britney spears's boyfriend is like a muscle builder guy now and he used to be obese no way yeah yeah yeah i think we used to be obese yes noam are you still with us yeah yeah i'm listening he's trying to figure out what question well because this is not a political discussion so he's a little bit lost but i assume you're familiar with jordan's work on stage she's absolutely are you yeah i seen her. I've seen her set.

I was looking up where we're rolling song listed the greatest drummers. They put Charlie Watts at 12 and Ringo Starr at 14. Just so you know. Wow.

You disagree with that. And they rated number one John Bonham and Keith Moon is number two. But whatever. That's it. Who's Keith Moon? He was from the from the whole oh i saw the who at msg a couple years you probably saw them after he probably what year were you born keith moon

has been dead for like 30 years hasn't he yeah you know he died uh in like 1980 or something or 79 or when did he die a long time the who performance was pretty lackluster, I will say. It was kind of just like a screening of the movie Tommy. 78 he died. Oh, wow. Long before Jordan came to this planet. Yeah. I mean, really.

The movie's dead. It just finished. So Keith Moon died in 78, which is really, that's when the Who stopped being a vital band. They just stopped, right, in 78. And they hung on for another 44 years or something, or 43 years. Way less.

Never been a band prior to that. There's just something sad about that. Jordan's wondering about Neil Peart, where he would rank on the Rolling Stone list. Oh, he was high, but I think I closed the... High meaning he was near number one or high meaning he was up at like 100. No, no. High meaning close to the top.

You guys talk about being overweight. I'll find a few. Hold on. I wanted to ask Jordan because Jordan was getting a ton of spots here like seven, eight a weekend. And then one weekend you only got four and you were really neurotic about it it was i have ocd and has it bounced back yeah bounced way back it was also a day that i only put in for four

days so i was really over it and also you thought that i thought i did something wrong you thought you had made a jew joke in front of estee yeah and you kind of oh well that that probably would explain it that's what was the jew joke I'll tell you what was the joke. The joke was I was talking about how I got the vaccine and how since getting the vaccine, my periods have been completely insane, like ten to ten days versus like three days. And I was talking about how, like, you know, women are having like

miscarriages out here and how it's funny when you ask a man what they think about the vaccine. They're like, I'll tell you what's wrong with the vaccine. The Jews are controlling my thoughts, you know women are having like miscarriages out here and how it's funny when you ask a man what they think about the vaccine they're like I'll tell you what's wrong with the vaccine the Jews are controlling my thoughts you know you're like meanwhile their wife is like bleeding out next to them but but that but I explained her that that wasn't an anti-jew joke I really spin out there are weeks where I really feel fine and like I have up my head on my shoulders and everything and then other weeks where I just the smallest butterfly flap can send me up.

And that really was, you know, that also was a week where I was very low on sleep. And I really, that has a direct, I remember spinning out to you at the, that was, yeah. Yeah, you were really upset because you'd only gotten like five spots instead of eight or nine or 10. There was something else that happened.

Oh yeah, that's right. I did that mint comedy show and i had such bad hence why i did the period joke i had such bad cramps on stage that i didn't do that well and i it was the first time in one of those mint shows that i didn't do really well and i thought she saw it and was like i will i'll punish her so does this insecurity uh stem from having been fat? I mean, it's the chicken or the egg kind of thing. I think the insecurity is what made me take a lot of medication when I was a kid,

which then made me gain a bunch of weight. What kind of medication? Every medication. Well, Buterin, Prozac, Abilify. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I was like very much the kid of the 2000s. I was just in my head a lot as a kid.

I was very like, I had OCD really bad, but I also just really couldn't understand the whole existential reality. I just didn't understand why people existed. I didn't understand what made people go on living, and I was only like eight having those thoughts. You were kind of like a child prodigy of existential dread. Yes, I was born with existential dread, yes. And then I went to school for philosophy, which helped a lot because I learned about that everybody has existential dread.

Yeah, but not at such a young age. Oh, yes. No, at a young age. I was put in a very cool school that was an alternative democratic community school that was like very hippie. And that really helped me out because it was basically just the teachers being like, there is no, there is no meeting. So let's have a good time, smoke some weed and grow some, you know, food for us to eat. And that really helped me out. But as a kid, I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I was like, what? And what is this all this big idea about me being called Jordan? You guys think I'm gonna be the same person every day what if I'm not what if one day I wake up like when I read Kafka's metamorphosis that made a lot of sense to me nice you know what I mean where I was just like what's gonna say how do you guys know I'm gonna not gonna wake up today and start spinning the heads off cats you have no idea you just you know what I mean and then I did a lot of acid that also helped my eight-year-old. Manny has a lot of existential dread.

I worry about him. I think he can attest to that. He'll he'll he'll wax philosophic sometimes. I don't know what the hell's going on with him. Yeah. Anyway, he's probably he's probably going to be a very funny little boy. He's not funny. He's not funny.

He's he's very serious. Is he serious? He's very serious. Yeah. He'll probably make really cool art, whatever it is. So, Jordan, just so you know, apropos of the spot issue, you're what, 30 years old? Mm-hmm. I mean, which is very young for a comic. I mean, if you were trying to be an ingenue in Hollywood, I would say, yeah, that might be pushing it a little bit.

But as a comedian, that's super young. Not for women. But even for women women i think it is even for women i think i would say super duper uber young but pretty young i mean with leslie jones got snl at 50 that's unheard of that was very late that is extreme but but um amy schumer started maybe 34 35 she started what's amy now like 38 39 40 i don't know but um it's still, what's Amy now, like 38, 39, 40? I don't know. I'm not sure. It's still pretty young, considering what you're accomplishing, you know. You know, I think you're in a very good position.

Of course, one can't predict the future. You should be my therapist. I like that. And I just enjoy being 30, which is still young, and getting, you don't even have a day job, right? I mean, I just, I usually do art handling like at once every six months for like with Caitlin Blufo for like a couple of weeks. And this time I just had to be like, I can't do this. I can't do full night job and full day job. It was just killing me. So yeah, now I don't have a day job. That's amazing. Good for you. That's really cool. So full-time comic.

Also, I know you work a lot with Louis. Would you say that Louis is a mentor or just somebody you work with? He's definitely a mentor. He's definitely helped me a huge amount with my comedy. It's insane. He's like surgical with jokes. And he just immediately, I mean, we met because he was like, can I give you a note on a joke? And I was like, yeah, can I give you a note on a joke? And I was like, yeah, can I give you a note on a joke?

So like, and when we go on the road together, we, you know, we write in each other's notebooks, like while the other one's on stage, like, you know, like this should be different. This was great. This was, could be like this. And it has been so helpful. Like I used to be such a like crowd work comic and he was just basically like, you don't need to be such a like crowd work comic and he was just basically like, you don't need to be doing that. And now I do it, you know, in a way that is like very intentional.

But he definitely exponentially grew me up in comedy working with him. It's really nice. And I know he's got a tour. I'm actually doing a few days with him in Chicago in December. That's great. I guess he's using a lot of opening acts, so I was only able to get a few dates, but I guess you'll probably be doing some dates

with him as well. Yeah, I'm with him in October and November. And I just got back from... Oh, no, no, no. Just now I was with Dusty Slay. But where were we just now? Madison and Des Moines, which was pretty cool but we're

going to do theaters oh you know what i want to talk about jordan's going to vegas right i saw you on the vegas yeah i've never been to vegas well that's significant because for the past several months the comedy seller vegas has only been using acts from las vegas because it's cheaper basically right now i'm in la and la and la in other crowds are smaller, because of COVID, you don't want to spend money to fly people in and put them up at the hotel, right? So you're using local eggs. We had, but we were, you know, less than half capacity by law. I'm not faulting you for it.

I'm explaining it. I'm faulting you. No, I'm a little bit sensitive because I often jibe him about money, but it's all in good fun. But it seems like you're sending New Yorkers out. I mean, Jordan's going. Who are you going with? Are you going with any other New Yorkers?

Well, what's really cool is two of my very, I mean, I feel like I'm friends with a lot of people at the Cellar, but Ian Fidance and Shane Torres are like my buddies. And so it's like a really. That's going to be a good show. You guys are all doing it together? When is that? That's in like the next week.

It's August 30th to September 6th. I need to go out there. I haven't been out there in so long. But every time I get ready to go, COVID comes back. I've never been there. I've never gone. I have no idea.

Never been to the city of Las Vegas? It's really crazy to have not been there and to talk to people about it because the that they say is chaotic they're like yeah you're gonna go into hotel and they just all lead to other hotels and some hotels have different themes and then there's a neon graveyard and then you can see this and it's like you can go you know skydiving off of a building it just is is insane. And I'm like, is this like Epcot or is this? It's not a normal. Well, well, well, that's the club, the Rio, which is the hotel that you're at.

Yeah. With the Congress. It's not on the strip. So it doesn't connect to any other hotels. But it does have, I've heard Penn and Teller. Yeah. Penn and Teller. It also has a zip line.

Zip line is fun. I don't think there's any parachuting going on in Vegas, unless there's like an indoor place with the fan. But would you agree with this, Dan? Like Vegas is really a place where men go and just come unglued and get themselves in trouble. And I'm not sure what the appeal of Vegas is for women.

My experience of Vegas is it's like, it's not that I go to Vegas to do a show I'm in the Rio And I don't do anything crazy That's not what other people are going to do I was at a strip club But you can go to a strip club here in New York City People are gambling like hundreds of thousands of dollars

And I don't gamble They're like fucking lives away I play poker like once a week And I've loved poker since I was a kid. And so because of that, I'm probably not going to let myself gamble. But you can be good at poker, as I understand it. I mean, there's such a thing as being good at it and being able to make money consistently, or so I've heard.

Yeah, but I'm not. I play with like buddies. And like I know I have such an addictive personality that I know that it will just be, all the money I make will go to that. So instead, I'm going to just sit at the buffet. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to zip line.

I'm going to do weird shit like a neon graveyard. Maybe I'll get a tattoo there. There's also, the desert is pretty spectacular surrounding Las Vegas. I was there with Dove and Pete Lee a couple years ago and we went hiking. It wasn't much of a hike but we took a few

steps in the desert. Yeah, I'm not going to take a few steps. I hate hiking. Go to the tour of the Hoover Dam. It's pretty cool. I did the Hoover Dam too. That's interesting. There's Greenbaum as a magician. He was the last person I should have asked about Vegas. He gave me a six page long sheet. He was the last person I should have asked about Vegas. He gave me like a six page long sheet of all of the shows that I should go to.

It was like, well, you won't be going to shows because you'll be working at night. So we don't really go to shows when we're in Vegas. Yeah, it's true. Also, what are the Vegas odds on Harrison Greenbaum actually getting married to a woman in 2020, 22? That you believe it. I think he will. I, you know, I mean, he's gone this far with it. We did a whole podcast about it, but I'm standing by that. I just believe that he's a homosexual.

That he's living a lie. What about him? And who's the other comic who's just, who's Chris, not Chris Gethard. What is the other guy's name? Damn. There's another comic who's married to a woman who is a writer on a TV show and he is incredibly gay seeming.

I've always just wanted to push. I've always, I literally wanted to book a lineup with both of them on it and watch them interact and just be like, look, if you guys want to fuck around a little bit, we'll let you. Who is that? It's, man, I don't remember his name. I mean, I

don't care whatever i'm not gonna go through the to the ritual disclaimers whatever have you seen the woman what does she look like does she look like a man like a guy no i have okay i'm everybody thinks i'm gay i have lesbian mothers and the guys i date look like women they look like david bowie from the labyrinth so i am like very much guilty the guy i'm dating right now I mean I literally was with him today and he looks so much like a lesbian woman people he's not a comic he is a comic oh he is does it somebody we know no I don't think so okay so you grew up with two women or your mother left your father and went with a woman or something

my mom was with my dad my dad was the coach of my mom's rugby team insane insane and then they split up and she started dating women she they both were like carpenters really rugged hot carpenters and they split up and she like tried to date men but she was just poached by all these women so she was like all right maybe i'm gay and now she's dated women forever so and then she met my other mom michelle and then my mom and michelle split up and then michelle got with donna and they all kind of participated in raising me well my dad was just kind of this like uncle type figure who i like so you had four moms three so it's my mom michelle and michelle's new wife donna well why does michelle other than the fact

that michelle was dating your mom why is she qualified to be your second mom they raised very close relationship yes yes yes they they both raised me I was just with all three of them the other day it's quite lovely the three of them we're very close friends but Donna and Michelle are still married and my mom is single but yeah and they spend a lot of time together and because my dad was very absent he just was like he didn't know how to raise daughter so he just they spend a lot of time together. Because my dad was very absent. He just was like, he didn't know how to raise daughters. So I did a lot of carpentry with him, and he was more like a buddy. And the three of them are like, you know,

Donna's kind of like the stepdad who would give me weed and let me borrow her truck. And Michelle would pay my phone bill and was the very maternal one. And my mom, who's like very rugged, was like the dad, you know. That's amazing. It's very, yeah, it's really great. So you would say that you uh you wouldn't even classify yourself as bisexual you're just completely hetero no i've tried being with

women many times it doesn't go great i'm so incredibly brutally straight it's my sister is the same way we've i mean we've both tried a million times and i love the way perryl says that's amazing like it's not just that like she accepted accepting of the fact that you know people people are not cookie cutter and you and you had this kind of uh unique upbringing and your mom was lesbian everything is fine she thinks it's like you go girl like this is amazing this is a better this is a superior way to grow up you're so fucking out of touch because the truth is, is that for so it thrills me because for so many years it was the case that like you couldn't be a parent or you supposedly couldn't be a good parent. And I'm quite a bit older than Jordan. And I remember when this was the case.

And you're quite a bit older than I am. So take it easy. And i just it's really nice that things have changed and it also makes me think about henry who has basically four moms you know henry judy gold oh yeah totally um i do think it's superior i actually do think that i mean tell us about that why why is it superior, I was just with them two days ago, the three of them. And I was watching them interact with my niece. And like, anytime Dave, my sister's husband, or any man would enter the, the vibe shift is so it's just that men, I mean, I don't mean to say that you guys suck, but there is this like

sensation of like, I don't want to be perverted around the daughter and i don't want to be heavy-handed and i don't want to be too cumbersome or whatever and with the women when it's all the when it's the little girl sophia my niece and me and my sister and my three moms it's just there's nothing is held back nothing is like awkward or stilted it's just like love and a and like a a pile on of affection whereas then the guy walks in it's like, when are we gonna eat? And I don't know, maybe she should be wearing pants, you know, and I don't know.

You know what I mean? And with women, it's like, we're just, fuck, we're just, it's just way more, it's very liberating and it's very warm and it's maternal. And it really does feel like Plato's Republic style. Like, yeah, let the women raise, I mean, I don't mean to be gender normative or whatever but there is a sensation growing up of like

it ruled having a pile of women raise a woman you know what I mean and then the my dad would come in and be like I'm gonna teach you how to chop wood and do carpentry and drive a truck and that was really helpful but it was like having three figures of warmth like that that women are just naturally have more ingrained than men, in my opinion, was, I mean, it was great. It was awesome. Like if I have a kid, I'm going to make sure that like four of my female friends are on board with, you know what I mean? Like that they are aligned. Well, I can, I can totally, I can totally accept that, but you're saying,

but I wouldn't, I wouldn't want to say that fathers, because your dad was like a rough and tumble guy. That doesn't mean necessarily that fathers are not loving. But I take what you say. I can accept that. But then, so you would say that whatever the issues you had as a child in terms of your mental health with the drugs and all that, these are things you're probably just born with, right? These are not a reflection of childhood, the way way you were raised you think this is just natural i do think that my relationship between my dad and my mom did lead to a lot of mental health issues i think the way that they my dad was way

too rough and tumble and my mom did kind of have to like get away from like he just was really upset when they when she wanted a divorce how old were you when they split up i was two but the divorce like hearings and stuff went until i was like five or so it was like many years of a lot of fighting and my dad was super angry and he was like a farm guy and my mom and him were like farm people and then my mom was like i want to live in like a the city which is like the city of ithaca which is still very small but it's like you know and he was so i think a lot of the aggression that he felt because he was super in love with her my mom was like a very magnetic very uh just she's she's like a cult leader hell of a rugby player yeah she's a great player

and um so yeah i think that the i do think that the rage that went on with my dad about my mom leaving, I think, did contribute to the mental health. And do you think any of that bad experience that you had with that particular male person in your life, your dad might have slingshotted you in a way into a kind of an exaggerated acceptance of the superiority of all female house like a thousand percent i'm i'm like terrified that i am straight because i'm terrified of having a kid with a man because i don't want any of that any of that like rage or like you know just unbridled uh insecure like when a woman is insecure it just looks different than when a man is insecure in my experience. And I'm not saying, and I have a lot of masculine insecurity because of how my parents are, but like, I will say, I definitely am tainted by the fact that I had like a straight up cowboy of a dad, you know?

But the men you date sound like it's the opposite. You're dating. They're not feminine. They're not, they look feminine, but they are, I mean, I am, yeah, attracted to. Manly men. Or emotionally kind of men who are not that, men who I have to like educate on emotions.

I am very like driven by my biology and I can't really date like a beta NPR guy. You know what I mean? I can't date like a Philip Glass as much as I would want to. In my house, it's the females who have the rage. Perry will tell you that. My wife is the rageful one. I'm the one trying to keep things uneven. And by the

way, I saw the tree limbs today with a chainsaw. Wow, you did? No beta you. No beta am I. Why did I have to yell and scream at me until I did it? Why can't we hire somebody to do this?

I could get hurt. I'm not supposed to do this at my age. I don't know which way the branch is going to fall. I really went through all this stuff. Why didn't you hire somebody? I really do think it's stupid. I was wondering this today in terms of the word beta.

In the Stone Age and much of human history, obviously, physical strength meant everything. So I guess an alpha male would have been the strong guy, you know, that could kick the other guy's asses and take the women. Right. That was the definition of the alpha male. But I wish that I wasn't attracted to the alpha male. I hate the alpha male. But in modern times, of course, physical strength is of some value, but obviously much less important. For example, Mark

Zuckerberg, who's worth $100 billion. Is that an alpha by definition? If you're worth $100 billion, you're automatically an alpha? Oh, certainly not. I think it's hard for alphas to make that much money. There's no way. She's definitely sticking her fingers up this butt, don't you think? I mean, she's

a guess. I'll let her answer. Go ahead. Oh, what? Me? I just don't think. Yeah, I don't. I think you can make a lot more money if you are a beta and are able to be sit, sit calmly and quietly and wait for and to be patient and allow business to, you know, arrive at you organically as opposed to just blundering ahead. Like, I think Alpha is a vibe because I think David Letterman is an alpha. I think Stephen Colbert is a beta and they're, they're both, you know, have their own shows. They're both, uh, rich and everything, but you know, there's just a certain Letterman is just an alpha male to me. Also there's certain people who in any group of friends through their lives

will always end up gravitating to be like the leader of that group or what one of the people, you know, the leader, not a follower. That's an alpha personality, you know. So and physical strength. You could be a beta with you could be a super strong physical beta, I believe. I think it's a personality thing. Yeah, I think it's a personality thing. I agree with you, Jordan, though. I do think that, you know, to be like

level-headed and not reactionary and not like hot-tempered is, I don't know. How did I wind up with an alpha male? I never was. Do I know who you're with? I don't know. No, he's not a comic or anything. He's not in our world. Oh, okay. Yeah, but Jordan's been to a couple of my shows. Has she been to the See You Next Tuesday? She has been to the See You Next Tuesday. I mean, Robert Kelly is an alpha male, right? Yeah, totally. But I don't think

Louis J. Gomez is. Is an alpha male? I don't really know him. I know he's a legion of skanks. I think he wants to be really bad, but I don't think he is. I think Bobby's quintessential alpha male. Yeah, Bobby's like quintessential yeah bobby's totally quintessential and luis j gomez is like desperately trying to not be a beta but it's i don't know him so i don't know yeah i don't know i can't this is a fun game though i like i can't comment on whether lewis is a beta because i don't know him i beat you up negative also beta is like

yeah i beta does have a i think an uh inclination to witness and be like i'm gonna learn from the things that i see and not like i'm going i should be like i was at work the other day i was doing an art handling gig and everybody was trying to alpha and it was so it was just so frustrating and nothing could get done but the one person who wasn't being an alpha was actually leading all of us you know what i get done. But the one person who wasn't being an alpha was actually leading all of us. You know what I mean? Because they were the only person who had the... Is it fair to say in the modern world that we'd be...

We could do without alpha males, but we'd be in real trouble without the betas? I do think that Bonobos proved that to be correct. Because these... I think it was Bonobos. They got rid of their alpha because he was raping women or hurting people or hurting monkeys. Or people. Or people, yeah. They're almost people.

Bonobos are so close. And then they basically got rid of him. And the scientists who were watching them assumed that a new alpha would be chosen. But it wasn't chosen. It became way more. The betas and the women all lived together like super well and everything was cool and they just didn't have like a tyrant so the alphas are like not and in the modern world i mean you know um what are the alphas really adding to the to the

stew i mean they can they can maybe they make you come i guess that's that's that's a value but that is i think what the i think that's the problem I mean, I think that that's why they exist is because they are Biologically enticing because they as a woman you're like you're gonna you're gonna protect me if somebody does try and hurt my baby You will stop them which is not necessarily, but you won't necessarily make which is which is fine like in the in the in the state Of nature, but in the modern world, maybe that's not quite as necessary And we need the bait is to help it, you betas to do all this wonderful technology that we have. Yes, that's true. Although Musk seems alpha-like to me.

Musk? No way. He's like, no, he would get immediately demolished in the wild. He couldn't put anything together for himself. I thought beta meant follower. You can't have all followers. You have to have leaders. I mean, who's going to stand up to social injustice?

Alpha male stand up to social injustice, right? You can't have the betas will follow whoever it is that's in charge. You need moral, upright alpha males or alpha people. Okay, beta is... Yeah, maybe we're not settled on the definition. I'm just like, I just using alpha as like a guy that's really good with women and really like, you know, confident, so on.

It's hierarchical to me. That's how I always took it. Yeah, I don't know if they're necessarily inherently beta men meaning. Yeah, I guess if you need to fight a war, you need an alpha male or, as you said, to fight for a cause, not necessarily a war. So then how about if they remake Pinocchio, but then Pinocchio says, I want to be a real girl. Oh, that's so good. That's such a great idea. And Geppetto doesn't question it.

What was the thing that Biden just said? He did a full talk where he was like, I don't know, but there's one segment of the speech where he goes, when kids say to their coaches, coach, I'm gay. Dad, I'm transgender. He's just so out of touch that he doesn't even say it right. It's so funny. I watch that segment over and over. Dad,

I'm transgender. Transgender? Transgender. Well, that's what Louis C.K.'s transgender. He's transgender. He identifies as, you know, he is a redhead. But anyway, whatever. I was trying to make a joke. But, um... Noam, how long

have you been sitting on that Pinocchio thing? Not a long time. No. I don't remember. I was reading about Pinocchio and said, I want to be a real boy. There's a quote. I think Pinocchio says, I want to be a real boy. There's a quote. I think Pinocchio says, I want to be a real boy or something. And I was thinking about one of my arguments with Perrielle about trans stuff.

I was like, what a kind of cute 2021 remake. And he actually said, I want to be a real girl. It's such a good idea. It really is. You went from little boy puppet to alive boy puppet to girl, to human girl. It's not a bad human girl, actually, to human trans boy, like a girl. But he's still Pinocchio. We don't know if he's we don't know if he's had the surgery or not.

Doesn't matter. Right. Because trans puppets are women. The truth to make his dick go in. Whenever he tells a lie, she tells a lie. Yeah. Anyway, whenever she tells a lie she tells a lie yeah anyway whenever she tells a lie her dick grows not bad not bad are you you're feeling better last time i saw jordan you were all out of sorts because you had eaten um that was so fucked up that was a horrible I had eaten a 50 milligram edible that was bad

do you have any idea how much weed that is like you're supposed to I did that one time you're supposed to eat 5 like a bite she ate 50 it was actually I can't believe I didn't make myself puke I didn't even think of it at the time because I was panicking

does that work if you puke it out don't, I didn't even think of it at the time cause I was panicking. Does that work? You give you puke it out. Can you even just to try it? I mean, 50 milligrams is the, I got it from the guy I was dating who is like full blown can do any drug known to man. And he was like, you're,

this is going to be pretty fucked up for you. I'm really sorry. I'm going to like stay with you cause it's going to be crazy. And I actually was okay. And now since the edible, I can like handle wheat. I've been like using it to go to sleep and stuff. It like blew out my THC receptors.

You said you were like wandering around the park. Oh yeah. I had to be, I literally, he was driving me home and I was like, you need to let, you need to let me out. I need to be in nature. And I just wandered around Prospect Park like a lost child with like a jug of water. It was the craziest thing. I was speaking to somebody just last night

who told me his worst drug experience, and he's done them all, was weed. I mean, even more so than acid, he told me, or mushrooms, he's had worse experiences on marijuana than on all those other things. It's the most difficult drug, in my opinion. Acid, you're like, this is, acid, if you have your

sorted out it will have hit it's sorted out but weed will make you have unsorted it will give you it will it it will tell you that your heart is going to stop it will tell you that you have to like your tongue isn't sitting right in your mouth it will just say insane to you whereas acid will just like illuminate that you need to right so if you're if you're if you're if you're already a little not quite right acid is certainly not recommended but you're saying if you if you got your shit together acid is less likely to you up than weed yeah weed will up anybody acid you can you can really i mean i how long were you high for two days i mean two days like i took another i took a bite of this edible with with jack the other day the kid i'm dating he took a bite of it too

and he took literally a fifth of what i had eaten and he we were watching a zombie movie and he's like a full pothead he can do whatever and he was going into shock like his body was shaking uncontrollable because he was like scared at this movie and the next day was like man i cannot believe that you may maybe maybe they should legalize acid or mushrooms they should leave i mean you know again i i don't want to well she i mean i never take an acid but this is an extreme weed thing here most people you know don't take that level of weed they use it for a smaller more gentle high but i had the same experience it was before edibles it was a pot brownie and i ate the whole thing oh the whole and i and i stood up and it was just like a hitchcock

movie and the and the person in front of me stayed there and the room just elongated and i didn't want to tell anybody because i was embarrassed because i had purposely eaten the whole thing because I didn't want my friend to get any of it. And I was hoarding it. It was Steve Fabricant. And I just slowly, I slowly walked to the other side. It was a big apartment. I walked into my bedroom. I didn't tell anybody.

And I literally remember thinking I was going to die. Yeah. And I didn't want to. But my father was still alive then. And I figured I'd rather die here than my father see me pulled out in an ambulance for eating pot brownies. And I it was a and I was high for like almost

I would say with two days, maybe at least at least 36 hours, at least a day and a half. Did you? And it was horrible. Did you eat the whole brownie because you wanted just a brownie? You thought it was a normal brownie or did you know it was? No, I know. I know it was a normal brownie or did you know it was no i know i know it was a pot brownie but so dangerous these edible i mean you could just give somebody a brownie i mean when you smoke pot you know you're smoking so it's you you're not going to do too much i mean

you might do too much but you kind of know the gummy i ate was this big it was this big you won't didn't taste like weed at all right so you could eat you could give somebody a brownie say hey here's a brownie and they wouldn't even know and next thing you know i mean it could i could have been hospitalized he could have been hospitalized the brownies are fucked up i don't know why but i've been immobilized from brownies i still don't think i'm the same i actually think it had a permanent effect on me i never felt the same after that night i'm telling you it's really weed is fucked up i quit drinking and now i do every drug known to man i can't

some guy just chased me down the block three blocks this guy chasing me going i'm gonna kill you you stevie nicks looking ass bitch i almost turned around and was like do i really really look like Stevie Nicks though, or what? I'm so fucking sick-brained. God, everything's nuts. Pride was fucking crazy. I was raised by three lesbian moms, so all these fucking people out there, the little women with the fashion mullets, I kept wanting to spin around

and be like, mom, is that one of you by any chance? That's funny. The fashion mullets is a new thing. It's a Brooklyn thing. It's bizarre, because it's the racist haircut on the most politically correct women. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know what happens. Like, they go into the barber, and they're like,

Hey, could you give me, like, a young Leo on top with sort of, like, a white supremacist in the back? And the barber's like, Sure. You want to look like a hillbilly man? And they're like, Okay, actually, it's hill person, and gender is fluid, okay? We don't know what the fuck we're doing. We don't know what we're talking about. Goddamn. I just got... and gender is fluid, okay? We don't know what the fuck we're doing. We don't know what time, goddamn.

I just got, I got on Hinge for fuck's sake. What a terrible place to be, Jesus. It's just where these woke cowboys live, you know what I mean? These fuck, what are they doing? They have like, don't tread on me snake tattoos, but then like they name their dog Malcolm X. It doesn't make a lick of sense.

They're fucking nuts. All of them write in their bios. They're like, you know, give a few words to describe yourself. And they're like, I'm a Marxist socialist communist. And the prompt will be like, what do you want to do on the first date? And they're like, I want to slowly dismantle capitalism. But then you look at what these idiots do for a living and they're like, I'm a freelance pickle brewer. And you're like, you're poor is what this is you're just poor God, I had to get off Tinder

because the guys are too hot on Tinder, I'm intimidated immediately I used to be a fat girl the seesaw wasn't a good time for me I would see but I never saw I was a fat little mall goth. Remember those? Remember fat little remember when all girls in middle, fat girls in middle school had to choose between punk rock or Wiccan for some reason? You remember that?

I was Spencer's gift, okay? So Tinder, I hate these men. they're too attractive they scare me and so what i do is i would write to all of them would you rather this is a good one kiss the tip of your dad's dick once a week this is gonna keep you up tonight or blow him to completion once a year. Pretty good, right?

I always want to be like, hey, I didn't write it, but I did. I wrote it with my hand. I wrote it down. The funniest thing is all these dudes respond to me with just full dissertations. Okay? Just like novellas. It's unbelievable. And I always write back, oh, ew, and then unmatch them immediately

i just love the idea like am i up what the hell happened we don't know how my dad died but he used to smoke 11 joints a day and i'm convinced that i know how your dad died yeah i'm convinced that the weed gave him a weird heart thing. I've never felt my heart be weirder than with weed. It's like... I think what weed taught me, because I had one very bad experience, I thought the cops were coming to get me. I was like in a dark room, because I put myself in a dark room because I thought that would be helpful. But I was just like, the cops are going to be pounding on the...

No, I just thought it would calm me down. I thought the cops were going to come pounding on the door. It was the worst I've ever felt. It was horrifying. And as far as a permanent effect that it's had on me, first of all, every now and again, like, you know, because I know it's there. I know that I think I'm in control of my brain,

but I'm really not. My brain is a chemical soup. If it decides to go in that direction, it'll go in that direction. I ain't got shit to say about it. Yeah. I mean, I can't control. You know, you really realize that, like,

your thoughts are not your own. We're machines. Yeah. So you put something into the machine, and to take the machine. I also had the same realization when I got the propofol for my colonoscopy, where they realization when I got the propofol for my colonoscopy. What's a propofol?

Propofol is what they give you. It's an anesthesia. It's what Michael Jackson used to take to go to sleep. It's basically a switch. You don't even feel it coming. They put in your arm an IV and then they start it.

You don't even feel like you're drifting off. You just, it's like two seconds, you're like, oh, I don't feel it. And then boom, you shut off. And then you wake up an hour later, whatever it is. Or, you know, nine hours. Whatever they decide to do.

You know. With a sore ass. A Cosby date. My colon was there was nothing going on in there they didn't have to do anything they didn't have to do any autopsies or whatever not i mean uh biopsy biopsy or autopsy or that would have been whoever did you ever have a it's i find it disconcerting sometimes i'll be high and i'll have trouble easily recognizing very regular everyday things like a street or a location like it just won't it just won't it won't process correctly something that and and it makes me feel like i'm just a membrane a tissue paper with the way from losing like if this little amount of weed can make everyday understanding daunting like like am i just hanging on by a thread

yeah i think the answer is yes and it's it's quite amazing that we we we generally speaking don't tip over into insanity. You're not. I don't get that with alcohol. I can be shit made strong and think pretty clearly. I cannot think clearly on weed. Your genetics make it so you won't lose your brain. I mean, lose your mind.

As somebody who, I literally spent my entire life being so afraid that I was going to lose my mind and start hurting people or hurt myself or jump off of buildings. You can't, even if you were like okay now i'm just gonna be a crazy person even if you were high you couldn't do it all the weed is isn't it's just fear you're just paralyzed with fear and your brain is is sending all sorts of things being like you need to freak the fuck out because something is wrong and why does it make you paranoid why why does i i don't? I don't know the chemistry behind it, but I know that what it does is like,

for me, for Dan, it was like the cops were your fear. That's crazy to me. I've been arrested three times. I've never been scared of the cops on weed, but so many people get scared of cops on weed. For me, it was like I'm scared of schizophrenia. That's like my big fear. I also thought that I would never go back to normal.

I didn't have that fear, you know? And so I did think that like, oh, is this it? I mean, cause this is not, I can't. When was this? This was a long time ago. It was in the nineties. And you haven't smoked weed since? I have, but very, very not often.

And just a tiny, tiny bit. And let's see where it takes me. Cause I was inexperienced and I just smoked a shit ton because I didn't know and it felt good. It was like, this is great. So the logical thing was if this is great, then even more would be better. That's what I thought because I didn't know any better.

And then I took this huge, huge hit on a bong and all of a sudden everything went black. Everything went, it was like, everything went black and white. It was like a short circuit. It happened instantly. Do you like having sex on weed, Dan? Well, I'd never have on weed. I like having sex on weed.

I mean, yeah, sex on weed. I really, the worst thing that ever happened to me with weed is one time, me and my friend used to smoke blunts after blunts after blunts. We were serious potheads. But one day we just it we took it too far and we shotgunned a blunt to each other and she looked at me and she goes there's something wrong with your eyes and i was like what do you mean something wrong my eyes and she was like

one of your she was like i'm so sorry i can't look at you it's really freaking me out but one of your pupils is super big and the other one is super small and i was like fuck you you're high there's no fucking way and i went and looked in the mirror and one of my pupils was like a pin prick and the other was huge oh my god i immediately told went to my friend and i was like you need to go get my mom and i just immediately went into shock and which is where you're just shaking uncontrollably and brianna my best friend and my mom just like literally like pancaked me and like we're just like just like, we're going to do square breathing. And we have, we still have no idea how that happened, but it, it happened for like a few weeks after every time I smoked weed, one of my pupils would get super big.

It was so terrifying. I'm sure it's nothing. Yeah, totally. Maybe reefer madness was right. You know, at the end of the day, on level you know i can't smoke pot like other guys can play they they can play better when they get high i i can't even i can't do it do you smoke pot i don't think i've ever seen you smoke pot in my life i mean he's around comics all the time so you got to be bullied into it several times uh i go through i go through periods in my life where

i've been hanging out, like I got to fall in certain routines, mostly before I was a parent where I would smoke, you know, with some regularity. Okay, but in the past two years? Well, Liz got me these Tootsie Roll edibles. Oh, my God, the Tootsie Rolls are fucked up. Yeah, so I'll eat half of those sometimes.

How old is your kid? I have three. They're nine, eight and four. They're going to start getting into weed. I hope not. And I'm petrified of these edibles, too, because they literally look like Tootsie Rolls with the Tootsie Roll wrapper and all that stuff. So like you can't have that around kids because they'll eat it. So I have them literally in the lock and key.

And if you try to take one or eat a piece of it or give one to somebody. Well, what if what if holistic? What if a little kid you found out you see Manny ate the entire Tootsie Roll? I guess you go to the hospital right away. No, you do meditation. Or maybe you give him like. I mean, hopefully he'll just sleep it off. Pump his stomach.

No, if a little kid eats weed, dude, I've seen little kids eat weed. And they can... Brianna, the one I was just talking about, her mom was like a deadhead. And Brianna accidentally got super high as a little kid. And she just was like, I want candy. And they went and like ate a bunch of candy.

Like kids can fucking handle it. We're the non-plastic ones. We're the insane. Wow. That's interesting. We do want to underline that we're not advocating giving your kids marijuana. This is Jordan's. I don't think that's been peer reviewed, as they say.

I'm not sure that study is. It may or may not be the case. It's an interesting. It's an interesting question whether or not kids somehow. It makes sense. Okay. We got to wrap it up. But let's just ask.

Is there any hot issue? Jordan, what is's, let's just ask, is there any, is there any hot issue? Jordan, what is it? First of all, why is the comedy seller? Like, I didn't see this coming,

but it seems like the comedy world slightly anti-vax, uh, some of the other clubs, some of the, some of the other comics we're, we're like totally, um, in the vax camp,

right? We had every comedian had to be vaccinated and all that stuff but now um now that the city is requiring all this stuff i don't know jordan what's the word on the street like at the stand they don't cut into that vac stuff right they don't like it so much i mean okay there is something insane going on with comedians becoming very like especially i don't know though it's been it's it's become a theme where comedians are becoming very conspiracy theory which i don't know what that's all about i don't know if it's because we're in an echo chamber or because like comedians

are lazy and aren't gonna like read the news so they just get lost in their little you know it is like a bizarre group think where it's, I don't know, maybe it's a narcissism, but I do think that a big, I mean, I think an aspect of it is comedians think that because we stand on stage and we hold a microphone that we have, that we get to say what we think about politics and everything else. So I think that it's just a louder voice because we literally have microphones and platforms to talk on. You know what mean but i do yeah i don't know for other ven for other clubs

that i work it's i mean i've never you're the seller is the only one that's required any vaccination other ones are like are you vaccinated and if you are you'll do different shows first of all the seller can afford to to to put restrictions. Other clubs are just trying to get any customers they can. We get more customers by being Vaxxed only, I believe. I don't know. I know that you asked Jordan this question, but I'm going to tell you

that in the beginning, when we were doing it before anybody else, and I was too, I got a lot of pushback and like, it's fucked up and why are you doing that? And more recently, I I got a lot of pushback and like it's fucked up and why are you doing that and more recently I've had a lot of comics tell me we're so glad that you guys are taking these precautions especially the ones who have kids um are like thank you for like I think most comics are probably pro-vax but there there does seem to be a group of comics.

A lot of them work at Compound Media, those podcasters. Rogan also is a big thought leader, and he's not Mr. Pro-vax. I don't know enough about his position to say that he's anti-vax, but he's definitely not pro-vax. I just think there's a lot of comics, and comics make their opinions known. And so some number of them, just like some number of the general population, are anti-vax. It's just also that people think that if a club requires you to be vaccinated, that the next step is the government will require you to be vaccinated. And you say that to a comedian, and I mean, you say that to a comedian and and i mean you say that to you say that to anybody who and

comedians typically have this like bizarre libertarian pull because it kind of makes people who are funny are typically people who are analytical and people who are analytical are ones who have pushback against like the zeitgeist which i mean i went through my anran phase you know what i mean like we've all gone through our like Nietzsche weird phase. I mean, the literary references coming out of Jordan tonight are. Kafka, Anne Rand, go ahead. Oh, sorry. I'm really sorry.

No, no, it's good. I have three lesbian mothers. I have to do it to make them proud. Okay. And. Yeah, I never read Metamorphosis. Go ahead. So.

It's great. It was Jewish Kafka, right? He's so good. Yeah. I just know if they're Jewish or not. Go ahead. But I do think, you know know it is just like there it is this whole like if you know you're gonna take away my freedom and my liberty if the if the clubs require it then what's next and it's like the club is a is a independent business like they get to you know what i mean it's the same

theory of being you know it's just like a Well, it's also it's also the opposite, because the government doesn't want to require everybody to take a vaccination because it's it's it's difficult for the government to order people to do something like that. But who if people would just get vaccinated, it wouldn't be an issue that the government really had to deal with. But did anybody see it coming? Like for a year and a half, we were all sitting home saying, when are they going to get this vaccination? Like when they get the vaccine, it'll be the best thing. You know, Trump's lying. He'll never get the vaccine when he says he does, when he says he will.

And then the vaccine comes and people like, did anybody see it coming that people wouldn't want to take it? That totally came out of left field for me. Just because during. I'm want to take it. That totally came out of left field for me. Because during... I'm sorry to interrupt you. And the people who were talking about not wanting to take it at the time were saying, I don't know if I'm going to trust any vaccine that Donald Trump is

behind. That's what we would hear. I don't know if Donald Trump is the one. I don't know if we can really trust he's being careful. But I never, ever saw that right-wing Republicans and comedians... A lot of people were thinking that the whole pandemic was a sham. And we had that guy, that crazy guy on the show. Alex Berenson.

Alex Berenson, who thought the whole thing was a scam. And he had millions of followers on Twitter. So, yes, there were people that were. You had somebody like that on here? That's awesome. Yeah, he was on Zoom. We Zoomed it. It was during the height of the lockdown.

I don't think they knew quite what they were getting themselves entangled in. I know. He wasn't that crazy on the podcast, but he said some crazy things on Twitter. But on the podcast itself, he wasn't that nutty. He was saying some things I thought were sensible

and some things maybe that I didn't agree with. But he's very much of a mind that the whole pandemic is kind of a hoax. And he's got a lot of people that agree with him. So those hoax hoax in a sense that he thinks we're overreacting to it, overreacting. Now that doesn't actually. I hung out with a flat earther the other day. A good friend of mine admitted to being a full flat earther. Oh, my God. Full religious zeal a flat earther the other day. A good friend of mine admitted to being a full flat earther. Oh, my God.

Full religious zealot flat earther. Well, I don't know if I could be friends with somebody who was a flat earther. I know. Just because that must manifest itself in other ways. I mean, if you're insane enough to believe that, then I would imagine you have some other crazy things. It didn't manifest. It doesn't manifest itself in other ways. It's very bizarre.

How long have you known this person? Many years. Like, 10 years. Wow. Mm-hmm. It just slowly started unveiling itself and to flatter it's because it starts with they're like a christian and then it's a first testament christian and then the earth is resting on the four pillars and under firmament christian and

then it's flat earther and it's just like wow i don't know the bible says the earth is flat i mean it does it says that the first testament says in genesis i think that it's red and i know this because he's sent me all this literature on it that it's four pillars with a firmament over it and the stars are whole holes in the firmament this is this is a verifiable uh get in a car and drive to the earth right i mean it's not like not like you really have to live life in questioning your faith here you You could just go check it out. This is also a very successful person. I can't say who it is, but it's a very successful person. It's really bizarre to me. And also, everything that I've ever brought up against this person,

they've had a really sound argument to be like, well, Antarctica is the perimeter of the firmament, and we don't fly over Antarctica. I was like of course we fly over Antarctica and then I looked it up and planes don't fly over Antarctica and they do fly over the North Pole I know they don't I'm pretty sure they fly over the North you think but they but then you look it up and you don't I mean it's like this bizarre and the whole thing is it's all you can't refute anything this person says because you're like, well, why?

Why do we go to the moon? Why do we have these planets? And they're like, oh, because Satan is trying to convince you of science. Stop. Yeah. And you're like, then there's no way we can argue this. There's no debate here. It's.

Hey, Dan, Columbus, Columbus. I never thought of it. Columbus thought he was going to go west to get east to India. Is that is that how it's supposed to be? I believe so. Yes. So he didn't get very far west, right? He hit the new world.

Right, but he still thought he was in India. What does that tell us about how fast or how big he thought the Earth was? How could he think in that short amount of days he would have been all the way around the world to India? Well, I guess he thought the Earth was a lot smaller than amount of days, he would have been all the way around the world to India.

Well, I guess he thought the Earth was a lot smaller than it is. Right. It's interesting when you think about what it must have implied about his view of the I don't know if we knew back then how big the Earth was. No, we didn't. But I mean, people thought. I think some people might have known. And some people thought the Earth was flat back then. Right.

Although I think that's over. I've heard that that's exaggerated. We learned it as kids that like Columbus was proving that the earth was round, but apparently people really already knew that except for Jordan's friend. Wait a second. We have to wrap up, but I do have one question.

Doesn't the government already mandate you get a whole bunch of vaccines in order to attend school? Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Well, they also mandate that you go to jury duty, that you join the army in the event of a war. I mean, government mandates a lot of things. No, but specifically vaccines. Right, they do, I believe, for public schools.

Noam, you have to be vaccinated. I think you can opt out. Government mandates that kids get vaccinated. And of course, the only vaccine thus far that's been FDA approved is Pfizer. And that was just approved on Monday. So they couldn't. I don't see how they could really mandate it if it's not FDA approved. But now that it is FDA approved.

The point is that we've been mandated. Our kids are mandated or. Right. I think kids are mandated to go to school. But I've never heard of adults being mandated to take vaccines to go to a restaurant. You know, that's unprecedented. Yeah, that's unprecedented. But schools, I mean, you have to be vaccinated to go to school.

Yeah, but the kids can't even take the vaccine. So it's a little on its head. Not not the covid one. I mean, what's interesting? I mean, you're right saying why are people so against requiring vaccines all of a sudden when we already but also like i i don't want to get into one of these the same people because that's like a common sort of social media thing nowadays to say the same people but it seems like a lot of people that would

might accuse somebody of being a draft dodger would then also be against the government making you get vaccinated. Like, you know, I mean, is there any larger infringement of freedom than telling somebody they have to go to war? They had to put on a uniform and get sent overseas. And I don't hear the argument made. I will, I'll make the argument, Dan. I mean, I, I don't know if I believe it, but I don't think it's crazy that people like me. Whoever or even you, we have a legitimate risk of getting very sick from COVID or dying.

So it's kind of an easy choice for us. But for a person who's 18 years old, who has a minuscule chance comparable to the flu of dying from COVID, they say, listen, this vaccine just came out of a bottle a year ago and nothing's ever been developed this fast. And I don't really know and can't be sure that this won't have a long-term consequence to my health. And I don't want to take it. My point is, how many of those people would have suited up and gone to Afghanistan?

You know? That's their choice. No, no, but I mean, that's true. But, or would have objected to a draft or would have accused somebody of dodging the draft.

Well, we respect conscientious objectors in this country and I'm just saying like, we've talked about it before, when they approve the vaccine for my kids, I'm going to give them the vaccine. Because I don't see the alternative as being viable, but I'm not like I don't have any fear.

I'm not worried at all. I'm sure this is safe. I don't I mean, how how sure can you be? As I told her, I'm sure when you're going to get there's a there's a you can google this there's a whole new thing now that antibiotics given to children two and under are now associated with um neurological problems as adults antibiotics we've been told these antibiotics are safe told to say told this they've told they're safe and now they're finding that actually maybe it's not so good to give antibiotics to infants. So you just

don't know. And then add sprinkle on top of that, that it's an MRNA brand new technology for us. I'm out of the box and people are just like, it's my body. I'm not comfortable with the risk yet. And I don't think anybody can make me, but however, I do think that's fine, but then it is perfectly reasonable to say fine, but then you can't come out into the restaurants with the rest of us because you don't have the right to put my kids in danger. You know, so I don't really see why. Is there actually a talk on the table of there being a government government mandate for the vaccine? Well, like the military, they're they're mandating it in the military and it is i mean it's a new york state i thought this now it has you have my i mean my son well you have to be vaccinated if you're of age like if you're old enough to

be vaccinated you have to be vaccinated and all the staff has to be vaccinated the problem is that there's no principle that you can really apply across the board because let's say this particular virus was much more deadly or let's play instead of being so deadly to 80 year olds let's say the high risk group was young children and we lost 300 000 young like yeah we'd have to mandate this vaccine to all adults right we would have to do that so the principle has to bend at some point, the principle of civil liberties and freedom would have to bend at some point of public health emergency, which is just intolerable. And we just have to do it, right? But this particular COVID thing is so wily. It's like kind of right in the middle and it's wildly different risk profiles. And so it's like, it's like the perfect storm of, of, uh,

you can make arguments from either side, but I don't think there is any principle that anybody could apply about. Decision has to be made. I mean, yeah. Some of the decisions have to be made. Decision has to be made. Just like going to war to say the war may not be a good idea. Maybe a good idea. Maybe, you know, people say, well, we didn't know to need to go to, you know, war in World War One. But a decision was made.

And once a decision is made as a society, people can't make up their own rule. Right. You just have like you don't really have a choice. Like, what's the other option? I mean, for the kids, too. Right. Like, what's the alternative? I mean, I'm still wearing this fucking mask just because I'm terrified of giving it to my son.

It's disconcerting. Oh, you're terrified of giving it to your son? Yeah, I don't give a shit. I mean, I'm fine. Like, even if I got, I've had COVID. I'm double vaccinated. I mean, I know I could get a breakthrough infection. All right, I'll probably be okay.

But I have an unvaccinated child at home. Get your third shot of moderna i'm telling you follow the data dorman i will just those particular masks i find kind of looking at them i mean it's a nightmare you think i want to be in it looks creepy you look like comedy clubs and podcasts and rooms with people who are you know out and about and i don't what's my other choice is to not leave the house. I thought children were not. Well, the Delta now, I think, you know, it's it's it's small percentage, but it's it's small, but not zero percentage of children

that are getting into trouble. They're getting a lot of Delta and a lot more of them are getting sick. And then I see you say that, but you don't know. That's not her. I'll just says whatever she does, but that's not that's not. It's not just say whatever she data. The data does not say that, but you don't know. That's not, Ariel just says whatever she hears, but that's not, that's not. Ariel does not just say whatever she hears. The data does not say that they're getting, the data does not say that they're getting sicker.

There's more of them getting it because they're the unvaccinated group and they're spreading much faster among unvaccinated. But the data I did see. More of them are in the hospital. More in actual numbers, but not more necessarily as a percentage of people who get sick. But one out of 100 kids are going to the hospital. And that's a lot. The way I illustrate it is that the odds of getting doubles three times in Monopoly'm going to jail is one out of 216.

So this is half the odds. If your kid gets COVID it's twice as likely that he'll go to the hospital. Then she would have rolled double three times in a row, but everybody's rolled double three times in a row. These are not like crazy, like when the lottery odds, this is something that we all do with some. So it's very scary. It's very scary.

Now, very, very, very few of them die nobody knows about the long-term effects i have long-term effects i still don't have my smell fully recovered and it's like a it's been a year without full smell and it's a fucking nightmare i mean it's it sucks and i was so you know lazy fair i mean i didn't give a fuck i was like i went bowling the night everything shut down

and did shows everywhere and went to a party. And I was like, fuck it, if I get it, I'll be fine. And it blows. I mean, I cannot, if I had a thousand smells before, I have like 30 now. Is it gradually getting better? I like to say that it is. I mean, the problem is, is that the synapses are broken.

So things keep, it's like a misfiring. So like if you were to give me a bunch of perfumes or chemically smells, they all smell the same to me. And it's all completely like horrible. Like I can't go in. What about your taste? My taste is fine. It always was fine.

So like I can't go into nail salons. I can't go into like Bed Bath and Beyond. I can't go into anything that has too strong of, because there's no differentiation so it's all just this horrible horrible horrible chemical smell and then that same thing happens with like a lot of organic smells like all all like body odor all like people you know unsent you know just like organic really what typically would just be like a sweaty kind of smell is now like a weird chinese food bizarre horrible i lost my sense of taste and smell entirely too and it was a nightmare yeah what disturbs me about it but you're saying and i don't know if what i'm saying

is scientifically correct but it it's some common sense there that it's saying that whatever the cells are that COVID attacks in your brain and your neurological, it may not come back. And it's very obvious when you can't smell. It's not so obvious when you just lose a little bit of your mental acuity. Right. And you can't really pin it down. But if those are the cells which COVID attack, then maybe those won't come back. It's scary. And you definitely don't want your kids to have that.

Yeah, absolutely. And it's like you heard about this COVID fog I heard talked about. That sounds to me kind of like the cognitive version of losing your sense of smell well michael roland a seller comic who i live with who's my roommate he was oh really yeah i love myself he's the best um we he was talking to somebody outside the cellar and she was a um crossword puzzle like professional or some shit and she was like it used to take me 45 minutes to complete like the hardest one and now it takes me two hours and it's like yeah because she's like a perfect you know that's like a perfect representation of brain fog and she was like it just that is like a you know

it's like the quantifiable difference but before so many people talk about you know they'll they'll throw out statistics well only so and so only so many people die about, you know, they'll throw out statistics. Well, only so and so, only so many people die of it, but there are these other potential effects. And there's just suffering. Who wants to be really sick for a week, two weeks, three weeks? Yeah. So it's not just about the death rate. It's about these other

things. I think we probably should wrap it up. Yeah, I've got to be on downstairs. We hope that Jordan recovers her sense of smell. Mm-hmm. And we certainly all wish that for her, as well as great career success. And she can be found at Jordan, I don't know.

I'm only on Instagram at Jordan Jensen, L-O-L, stop. J-O-R-D-A-N-J-E-N-S-E-N. Yes. Break out the real Jewish jokes, okay? All right, fine, I'll go right, finally. Let her riff. Let her riff. Finally. Dan Natterman, you can buy my book,

Iris Spiro Before COVID, at Amazon and BarnesandNoble.com. And Perry also has two books out, On My Knees and The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own, also available on Amazon and BarnesandNoble.com. And I guess that's it. Good night, Amazon and BarnesandNoble.com. And I guess that's it. We'll see you next time.

I'm going to write a book. Good night. Thanks, guys. Bye.