The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Kelsey Cook

Episode Date: June 9, 2016

Kelsey Cook

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99, the comedy channel. We're here, of course, with the beautiful Miss Krista Montella, and my co-host, Mr. Daniel Natterman. Not sure why you used my full name. I think it's nice. And then we have one of our favorite comedians here sitting in right now, Mr. Keith Alberstadt.

How you doing? Hey, Keith. Hey there. Who apparently just got engaged. Yeah, a few months ago. No, just real fast. What about the email for comments, questions, suggestions, and other stuff that people want to say? ComedyCellarShow at ComedyCellar.com.

We have the old word, podcast at ComedyCellar.com. Is that still? Yeah, both. I think that still works, yeah. So podcast at ComedyCellar.com. Yeah. We certainly want to hear any thoughts and suggestions or just praise or, you know, whatever you have to say. I spent the whole day today arguing with my old friend Daniel Kirshheimer on Facebook.

Are you and I Facebook friends, Keith? I believe so. Yeah, well, you probably don't see. I have this friend Daniel Kirshheimer. If somebody knows Daniel Kirshheimer, the one who went to PS75, you should mention that I tell him that I mentioned him on the radio today. He sucks me into the vortex of arguing. But today's argument was pretty interesting, and Keith probably has some opinions on it.

He may not want to offer them because he has a career to worry about. But it was about Trump and this lawyer thing. Are you guys following this? Yeah. Trump said he didn't want the lawyer because he's a Mexican. Judge. The judge, yeah.

Oh, yeah, the judge in the case. He also thought that the lawyer had treated him unfairly. The judge. The judge. Yeah, I did the same. So, you know, at first I was pretty, you know, against Trump. I said, what a jackass, you know, for the way he puts everything and the way he says everything, and how can you complain about

a judge being Mexican? And the only point I made was that, you know, on the left they always make the case that ethnicity and race mean everything.

So Sotomayor says that a Latina woman makes better outcomes as judges and people don't believe a cop if he's white and people believe that Clarence Thomas is a sellout if he doesn't have the opinions that a black person is supposed to have. But then I was arguing with Daniel Kirshheimer so much, I began to take Trump's side a little bit. i and i don't know i don't know how to feel about it but because i was thinking like if if i mean i don't know if he had a right to challenge the judge don't get me wrong but if if i were donald trump and i had just called mexicans rapists, which I think was terribly said. And I was advocating deportation of families.

And then I find myself before a judge whose sideline is being a member of the La Raza legal organization. What are the odds that this guy, that Trump doesn't find himself before a judge, which he knows can't stand him, right? And then I began to think of something else, which is an argument I hadn't heard anyone else say. That let's say this judge is really committed to serving his people, the Latino immigrant population, whatever. And probably crossover illegal immigrants, right? And he says to himself, look, if Trump can lose this lawsuit, then that makes him high. Is this your fiance? No, this is Kelsey Cook.

Oh, this is Kelsey. Oh, sorry. Kelsey Cook. Hi, Kelsey. We're in mid-Trump conversation. If Trump can lose this lawsuit, and that can lead to him losing the election, that can mean that I, as the judge, have done a tremendous service to the people that really mean the most to me, which is the immigrant families and whatever it is. So that's got to be very tempting to try to put your finger on the scale a little bit to try to make sure that... Because you actually...

It's not just Trump's case in your hand. There's a definitive link. You might have the election in your hands. Right. Why, though? There's a definitive link? You might have the election in your hands. Why, though? There's a definitive link between him... No, because however bad this case makes Trump look can affect his chances of winning the election. Or a judge might conceivably think that way. Right.

So now... And if Trump had put it kind of the way that I just put it, I don't think anybody would be calling him racist. But he's such a jackass. He says, oh, he's a Mexican. His comment says, I don't want to go before a Mexican. And I say, what if he's a Muslim? I wouldn't want a Muslim either.

He's such an idiot. Or a woman. He's going to say, I think he would have said whatever. He would have found some kind of fault with whoever was presiding to push the case after the election. What I think he's trying to do, I think his game was that he wants to so much muddy the water that when the verdict comes against him,

which I think it probably will, it already looks like the whole thing was biased. That's what he hopes to. He wants to make this trial look like it wasn't fair from the beginning. The question is, is it inherently racist to say that somebody of a particular ethnicity might have a bias? That's the question I put to you. Remember that when people pick juries, they put a lot of effort into picking the right

jury based in part on demographics. No, it's not inherently racist. It's not. Let's all be grownups here. It's not. None of us, all of us, when our life for liberty or property or on the line is going to be worried about going for a judge might have some bias against them

uh... but this the jury trial you know the judges just presiding he's not actually the decider who was if he was the decider i think it'll be a lot more serious and of course trump has the right to appeal and then of, in a criminal trial, I'm sure the judges... So you're saying it's not inherently racist? It's not inherently racist, but it's also not, I think, that valid. I mean, in a criminal trial, the judge has a murderer in front of him. And he probably knows he's a murderer. And I'm sure he abhors a murderer or a rapist. But he can still be professional and preside over the trial in a professional way.

What is the case, even? Because I feel like that's gotten lost. What is he on trial for? Unless he has some evidence that the judge is doing something that he has a reason to object to, the presumption is that the judge is able to put his biases aside and handle the case professionally.

He's on trial for... Does anybody want to... He had this kind of like fly-by-night Trump University. Another one of these, there used to be infomercials and stuff doing the same kind of thing, how to flip property with no money down and all this kind of stuff. Right. And it was a high-pressure thing where they show some of the sales books where people were encouraged to get people to go and to fully max out all their credit cards

in order to buy this thing. And in one sales thing, it's like, like, and if it's for instance, a mother who might, you know, be having trouble feeding her kids, you should,

you know, maybe play on that and say how much, wouldn't it be better to have money coming in and then you could feed your children. I mean, like really like high pressure and, and unscrupulous sales tactics. And that's what he's,

and it turns out, you know, and Trump sold it as this kind of as a real value, as you could really learn this and make money and apparently it was just get the money and offer very little. So the suit is being brought by the people who attended this university.

Okay, are we ready to start recording? We are recording. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was just preliminary. Your job this was just preliminary. Your job is to make jokes. Dan thinks that if we talk about the thing which everybody in the country is talking about today, that people are going to turn it off. No, no.

I think we should talk about Trump, but I felt us getting a little too heavily into the details. I think that's enough. That's my opinion. Go ahead, Dan. Well, first of all, you had mentioned we have Keith Al that's my opinion. So go ahead, Dan. Well, first of all, you had mentioned we have Keith Alberstadt with us and Kelsey Cook. I don't know. Do I know you?

Hi. No, we haven't met before. How do you not know her? She's working at your club. You're working here? She doesn't know everyone. You don't know everybody that works at your club? I thought Esty discussed it. We do go over, but I guess there are some people

who she says that I just haven't seen yet and I guess I didn't register the name. Yeah, that's okay. I live in LA. I opened for Jim Norton on the road,

so I'm in New York. Yes, yes. Now I do know her. That Kelsey Cook. Nice. So thank you for having me. Well, thank you for coming. Well, you know,

we were talking the other day. I'm sorry you're not Keith's fiance. That's okay. Keith, you know, we were talking the other day. I'm sorry you're not Keith's fiancé. You guys would be a handsome couple. Well, but Keith's fiancé is certainly fetching herself. She is. I'm sure. I have no doubt.

You're fetching. I think I met her before you met her. Yeah, you did. I've known her for years. Well, she didn't give me the time of day, but... How'd you meet her? How did you meet Kitsa? She was hanging around the cellar years ago. She was kind of like

a cellar fan, right? Yeah, she did a couple of things for David Tell, the stuff he was doing next door. She was involved with that. Is she a comedian? No. Oh, thank God. She's not. But she lives around here. They dragged her in off the street. And then she came in for a couple of shows here. She's a comedy fan.

She is a comedy fan. She's a comedy fan, but she's not a comic. So, no one, I guess, disapproves on comic-on-comic relationships. No. Do you? No, not in general, but for Keith. Honestly, I just see him with like a more old-fashioned woman, actually. Old-fashioned?

The kind of girl I wish I had. We're going to have a farm and a prairie? I believe that. Or that old-fashioned? Well, because Keith is one of the few comics. Raise our own food? He's one of the few comics that's outwardly, not one of the few, actually. There's a few, but he's outwardly conservative.

Is that correct in saying so? No, that's notly, not one of the few, actually, there's a few, but he's outwardly conservative. Is that correct in saying so? No, that's not correct at all. As a matter of fact, he's a fag. Yeah. I look at his shirt. His shirt's so bright. This is a father of the year. Very loud.

No, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but you have a conservative leaning. I don't talk about it on stage. Yeah, I don't even talk about politics on stage. But you believe that a white America is preferable. You don't bring it up on stage because you think they'll be unpopular, or you

just don't feel like bringing it up on stage? I think we're so polarized as a society. I just want everybody to have fun. I'm up there. I'm trying to entertain everybody. And I believe my sense of humor, my sarcasm, has a broad appeal. So why throw a divide in there? Why

divide the audience like that? I'll tell you why. First of all, you're right in terms of here at the Comedy Cellar, there's people from all walks of life. I think to really explode as a comic, you need to, not necessarily need to, but if you took a stand, that could get your name out there. You don't talk about politics?

No, because I'm a coward. But also because I don't really have strong political opinions, necessarily. But, you know, I mean, we all try to please the audience that we're given because as comics, we take who is there. We're not like, a heavy metal band is going to play for heavy metal fans. A comic plays for whoever happens to walk in the door. They saw the sign,

you know, whatever, they walked in, and so it's all across the political spectrum. People like Marin, for example, who was always very opinionated, very strong in his opinions, that's part of the secret sauce of his success, I think. Did you see what happened to Dennis Miller when he came out as a comedian? You mean a conservative?

As a conservative. He came out as a comedian. As a conservative. You have to come out? His career, his audience just shut down. He's good on Fox News now. If I were a conservative comedian, I would keep it to myself. You know, you're right.

It only works for liberals. It only works for liberals. Like Carlin was always like that. Carlin was liberal, and he pushed that agenda. But to take back everything I just said. Well, I mean, the comedians who I look up to and try to emulate the most, people like Gaffigan and Regan, let's just go have fun. Let's just have a good show.

Let's make everybody laugh. Try to have a good time. Right. That's what I'm going for. Even offstage, you shouldn't let on that you have conservative politics. You just should not let on. It's a kiss of death, I think. It's really, really bad.

Right. Are you a clean comment, Keith? I am a clean comment. Yeah. And that was a new development, relatively new, when I moved to New York. You used to be dirty? It was about 75% clean. I had some dirty material that I...

I can't even imagine. But then I got here, and I'm like, I want to separate myself. And some of my favorite jokes I was doing were clean, and I figured I'm just going to keep writing like that. I imagine Ryan Hamilton being dirty. I just can't picture it. Yeah, it's hard to picture because he's so clean-cut,

boy next door. But then again, so is Brock the Stanford Rapist. Yeah. That's not a bad point. That is not a bad point. It's always those straight-up white guys that you never know.

But I haven't seen Kelsey's act getting to Kelsey. Are you a dirty girl on stage? I can be. I don't think you'd look at my act and be like, oh, she's filthy. Not in the mode of, say, a Whitney Cummings necessarily or an Amy Schumer? I mean, it can be on that same borderline, but it's not all sex material. It's not all dirty.

Can we be honest here? Kelsey is gorgeous. Can I say that? Well, she is. You're very sweet. I know you're not supposed to say that. That's why I'm getting all my words wrong. You know?

Thanks, you guys. Because it's like a lot of female comics, they want to be funny first, and women, you know what I mean? Yeah. If you say that, oh, this is, I know a lot of female comics, they say you're pretty.

Well, I don't want to be pretty. I want to be funny. Oh, I don't take it as an insult. I think it's fucking great. I'm happy to, you know. they say you're pretty. Well, I don't want to be pretty. I want to be funny. Oh, I don't take it as an insult. I think it's fucking great. I'm happy to... Who have you ever said that they were pretty and they said, I don't want to be pretty.

I want to be funny? Phyllis Wang. We don't want to be told that because you're pretty, you can't be funny. That's not what you're saying. You're just giving me a nice compliment, which I appreciate. I'm giving you a nice compliment.

Thank you. So, you know, now the logical question then is you open for Jim Norton on the road. Right. He's dirty. He is. Yeah, but the question is, was he a gentleman? He's always a gentleman. He is a very good man.

See, this is the point about Jim Norton. He's a complete fraud. Because he comes... She doesn't have a dick, then. You know, I've changed things if I had a dick. But no, I mean, he's... If you had a dick, Norton would be all over you. Trust me.

The dirty little secret about Norton is he is a nice guy. He really is. Who is he not a nice guy? Well, but he comes off like this perv, you know? He is a perv. That's true. He's a perv. But he's a respectful perv.

I'm not even sure he's that big a perv Oh my god Yes he is Well define perv If you like to have a girl come over Put a plate of glass over your head And defecate on the glass Is that a perv?

Yes, that is a perv But I'm not convinced Jim Norton does that I know he says he does it I guess a fair amount of mileage saying he does it I don't think he does I don't believe that he really does Sometimes Dan's naivete astounds me.

Not naivete. Like a lot of comics we exaggerate things to get attention or to get so people talk about it. That's quite an exaggeration. That's what makes him so great

is that everything is true. He comes from like a very raw, real place and it's so endearing. That people pee on him, I don't doubt. Okay.

That he's taking $100,000 bars on his chest, I think is another matter. I'm just saying I'm skeptical. And just before we go on, Dan, did you want to say something about Brock the Rapist? You told me off the air you wanted to say something about Brock the Rapist. Well, yeah, of course I want to discuss Brock the Rapist

because it's big news. It's as big news as Trump right now. Yeah, it was hard to make it funny, though, of course I want to discuss Brock the Rapist because it's big news. It's as big news as Trump right now. Yeah, it was hard to make it funny, though, Dan. First of all, we don't have to make it funny. But my guess is something funny will come out. Okay, go ahead, Dan. Are you familiar with Brock the Rapist? I am not.

Why is he Brock the Rapist? Like, why are you even giving this guy, like, a title? What do you want to call him? Just the Stanford Rapist or something. Stanford in an N, by the way. I'm from Stanford, Connecticut, so don't think that by Stanford rapist, I'm the Stanford creep. Big difference. This is a, but did he actually, I know I'm going to get in trouble for this.

No, I don't. You're going to say, did he actually put his penis inside her? Yes. No, he put his fingers. But it was fingers and like horrific, horrible. This girl was fingers and horrific, horrible. This girl was unconscious. She was unconscious. They found pine needles in her.

I'm not... Nightmare. Yeah, pine needles. I'm not... Diminishing. Diminishing or minimizing the horror of what he did. But I do always object to these words, which... Rape means a 19-year-old had sex with a

17-year-old or a 16-year-old, a guy puts pine needles in their or actually has sex with, and then you have to, you ask the question, what was it? And then people look at you like, what's the matter with you? Rape is rape. I'm like, okay, but I just kind of want to know

what he did, you know? But anyway, the big scandal. Speaking of rape, what is it, Ray? Okay. Thank you, sir. The big scandal is that the judge gave him six months in prison. And so it's a big, my Facebook feed is half of it is Trump and half of it is Brock the rapist. And not prison, like county jail or something.

It's not even like real he's going to get raped prison. A lot of women on Facebook are posting about how horrible this is and I'm hesitant to post anything. Like a woman will post like this is horrible and we should sign the petition.

I'm sort of afraid to post because I don't want to look like the guy that's just trying to get laid by posting. You're right. Women power. I don't think any woman would think that. Well, they should. They have any brains, they would think that. Yeah, exactly.

That's why you won't get laid. And also because I feel like they don't want to hear from a guy. Sometimes women, I feel, don't want to hear from men on these issues necessarily. If you're on our side, we're happy to have more people that share that opinion. What is going through a judge's mind? First of all, how long would you give... The opposite, the hanging judge. How long would you sentence somebody for...

That's a pretty brutal crime. I mean, I think we can all agree that six months is light. I'm not excusing, I'm just saying because these are the facts which the judge considered. He was drunk and she was drunk. She was unconscious.

She was unconscious. And drunk. And I don't believe there's any claim that they were... It's not like they started and she was conscious, as far as I know.

It's not like they were making out and she was... And they started doing shit and then she went unconscious. I believe the allegation that he basically dragged her out there. Yeah, it's like... And how old is he? 20 years old.

20 years old. Keith, how long? Nasty business. A lot of pressure on the line here. Keith, don't fuck this up. Put him away for life. There we go. There's a safe answer. This is a man going places in his career. Put him away for life. There we go. There's a safe answer. Four lifetimes. This is a man going places in his career. Well, I do think for some people prison is worse than, you can't completely dismiss the fact, and it was brought up,

that this guy was, I think, an Olympic-bound swimmer. Yeah. And that that whole thing is gone now. I mean, his whole swimming career is over and his whole life that he knew is completely over. I don't think that's nothing.

I think that is a punishment of some sort of punishment. Oh, don't write that on Facebook, Dan. Don't write that. That's a no. That's a no, no, no. Is that a no?

Okay. And he's on the sex... And he's on the sex... Well, I'm not... You'll never get laid talking like that. I'm not saying... No, I'm not saying

that's a whole punishment. I'm saying that that is a punishment. That is... I'd say it's irrelevant. I'm not saying that's a whole punishment. I'm saying that is a punishment. That is not nothing. I'd say it's irrelevant. I wouldn't even consider that a punishment. He brought that on himself. That's part of the choice he made. That's a consequence.

It's not a punishment. It is a punishment because he has to go on the sex offender list and he's a convicted felon. How long, Dan? It's not a punishment. It is a punishment because he has to go on the sex offender list, and he's a convicted felon. How long, Dan? Stop millymouthing. Also, you know, this guy's not used to prison. For him. Who's used to prison?

Some people are used to prison. I think two years. Two years. Oh, Dan. What are you talking about? Two years? You know why. You're saying two years is Two years. Oh, damn. What are you going to do? Two years? You know why. Were you saying two years is not enough?

No. Two years of prison for a person that's a regular person that's not. He's not a regular person. Yeah. He's a fucking rapist. Oh, damn. Two years is a fucking long time, man. Two years.

Maybe we should vote for Hillary. Let me tell you something. If I got two years, the first thing I would do, and I guess they say if you can't do the time, don't do the crime, and I wouldn't do the crime. One time I did shoplift Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Oh, my Lord, Dan, you scandalous man. I wasn't caught, though, and I think the statute of limitations is over for shoplifting Nobel Prize winning office. I think you should get two years for holding up a Korean deli.

Yeah, sure. No injuries. No injuries. Yeah, but holding up a Korean deli with a loaded weapon? Whoa, whoa, a loaded weapon? I don't know. A loaded weapon, I mean, your people could die. Yeah, but if they didn't. Yeah, but when you put yourself in a position where you have a loaded

weapon in a criminal situation, that's something society needs to punish very, very harshly. As opposed to this rape. As opposed to this guy who actually caused injury. What kind of man am I co-hosting with? I don't know. Because I think two years is a long time. No, you wouldn't last two years.

Have you raped something else? You would not last two years. Of course you would. That's the whole point of deter prison, you would probably kill yourself. All right, Dan. That's a big punishment. Listen, I have a daughter. I'm talking about Rahway.

I'm not talking about county jail. You wouldn't get fucked in the ass. He should. Picture if you were dragged unconscious into an alley and some chick shoved... Beautiful woman. Oh, come on. You know I like that.

Goddammit, Dan. Pine needles up your urethra. Not pine needles. Oh, the urethra's a different story. Would you want her to be punished in a very severe way? Well, I just think that's the thing. I think two years is severe. I think two years is a lot of time.

How long, Kristen? Now, minimum 10 to 15. How long, Kelsey? I agree, 10 to 15. How long, Kelsey? I agree, 10 to 15. Keith said life. Yeah, but I don't think he means life. If it happened to somebody in my family, I'd say 15 years. Yeah.

Or 20 years. I'd have to call the Godfather and ask him for justice. What if the opening scene of the Godfather, I'd have to get him to... It's got to be long enough for him to really think about it. And two years is just not long enough. Do you know how fast two years goes by? Oh, it goes by very fast when you're at home chilling out. Okay, but...

When you're in prison doing hard time, I don't know how to go so fast. Okay, but you want to talk about this. This is the thing. And this is what his father's argument was. His father's argument was he's how old? 20 years old? Yeah. And he's super drunk. and he did something really stupid,

and he got carried away. Oh, my God. And should his whole life now be ruined for this really dumb thing that he did? This is the father's argument. And I think that's Dan's argument. No, my argument was that he deserves punishment, but I thought two years was... Two years is not worth it.

I mean, listen, the whole thing... And the rest of his life is going to be heavily... What amount of money do you think you should have to steal to get two years in prison? You know, for stealing money, I'm not a big advocate of hard prison time, generally, for nonviolent... Unless you steal it with a loaded gun.

Without a loaded gun. Just steal somebody's money. Like a white collar crime? White collar. How much money do you got to steal for two years? For two years? Yeah. Kristen?

Nonviolent offenses, a year. What amount of money? What amount of money? A year. A year. I don't think of it in terms of money. I think of it in collateral damage. Like, how many people are in that case?

I'm trying to put a dollar amount on the amount of time that Dan thinks a rape is worth. But I'll tell you what. Oh, God. That's not a good line of reasoning. That is how it works. If he says $100,000, we don't know. No. So maybe just give the girl $100,000.

No. If it's a little old lady and he took her from her life savings, then he deserves prison time. How much money? Depends. Is it a little old lady or is it a bank that he stole from? Did he steal from the bank or the insurance company or did he steal from a little old lady? From you. From you.

He stole from me? Yeah. Public hanging. I'm a Jew. Well, they caught him and he made rest. Did they catch him? If he can make restitution, I'll say he can get away with probation. All right.

That's ridiculous. All right. Dan's ridiculous. I think 10 years. It's got to be 10 years. Maybe. You know what it is? Because to me, jail to me is a death sentence.

That's how I think of jail. But that's because it's coming from my perspective of somebody who even summer camp was too much. Oh, my God. I didn of somebody who even summer camp was too much. Oh my god, to picture you at summer camp. You know, with that instructional swim in the cold water. Every fucking morning. So that's coming from my perspective. I think,

whatever, let's move on. Anything else on Brock the Rapist? Two years is only six months times four. That's four times four. Yeah, exactly. That's not... Too late, Natterman. It's somebody's daughter, Dan.

Well, I understand that. No, you don't understand that. Because I'm not a parent, I don't understand that. And you never will be. You need to have children so you understand. Maybe women are right. Maybe men just don't understand. Maybe men are sexist. Maybe, I don't know. No, you understand. Maybe women are right. Maybe men just don't understand. Maybe men are sexist.

Maybe, I don't know. No, I understand. We've already beaten this topic to death. I'd only add that if you name your kid Brock, that's the most popular date-rate name. Brock's a date-rate name.

The thing that pissed me off the most, one of the things that pissed me off the most about this is that if that girl had been conscious, she would have beat that motherfucker's ass. No, he was a big... No, he wasn't. No, no, he was like a big swimmer. Those swimmers are big.

He's a swimmer. He's not a football player. He's in fucking good shape, dude. No. They would have tried to... First of all, Kristen. What? Very rare that any woman can beat any guy's ass.

I agree. It's really exceedingly unusual. Also, swimmers are very muscly. Let alone a swimmer. That's right. An athlete that could be considered, even within the spitting dis of the Olympics, is not going to get beaten up by a girl.

I'm not saying beaten up, but there's a likely chance that... That would have never happened in other circumstances that she would have allowed that to happen alright

well probably if he's looking for an unconscious girl he did that for a reason he didn't want to fight on his hands alright so

there you go how disgusting yeah he's such a creep two years no problem two years Dan you have Dan two years Natterman they. Two years. Dan, you have two years. Dan, two years Natterman, they call him on the bench.

I give everybody two years. We got Natterman. We lucked out. We got two years Natterman. Judge Natterman? You've heard of the hanging judge on the kissing gym. We should settle. Trump will sign right out.

Well, I have a bleeding. You know, I pass by a prison. To me, if I'm driving and I pass by a prison, I have that same awful feeling as passing by a hospital. You understand what's going on here. I'm going to lay it out. To Dan, and I have some understanding of him being another small, nerdy Jewish guy.

No, no, no. I know where you're going, and where you're going couldn't be a worse place to go. And, like, Dan, if something like burly, blue-collar guy walks in when Dan and I are down, he'll be like, I don't like being like burly, blue-collar guy walks in when Dan and I are down, he'll be like, I don't like being around these big blue-collar guys. Like, Dan feels that way. To Dan, his huge phobia of getting fucked in the ass in a prison,

which is probably like, this is his nightmare. This is like in 1984, you know, this is the thing that they terrorize him with at the end. This scares him so much that he's unable to even think about anybody being sentenced to prison without freaking out. Am I correct? That's a large part of it, I think so, but it has nothing to do with the blue-collar guys. It's just, in prison

I would imagine I would last about a day. I'd be the guy at the beginning of Shawshank Redemption, everybody bet he's the guy that kills himself. You remember the beginning of Shawshank Redemption? They all took's the guy that kills himself. You remember the beginning of Shawshank Redemption? They all took bets. Who's going to kill himself tonight? And it might be that guy that we bet on. If you got falsely accused of raping a girl

and got sentenced to six months in prison, maximum security prison, big black guys, the whole deal. We don't need to get racial. Come on now. I know your fantasy and your fear. I want to make it clear. Do you think you would kill yourself before you went in,

or would you serve the time? That's a good question. I don't know. I think maybe I could do six months. I think I could do six months. I'm not sure. But that's not my biggest fear. My biggest fear is food poisoning.

Oh, my God. Wild in prison. While getting fucked in the ass. On a transatlantic flight. Oh, my God. Don't worry. That's our biggest fear also for you. I just... Oh, can we move along?

I actually have that fear, too, that Dan has. And I actually also made the argument before that I think you can make a good argument that all prison is cruel and unusual punishment. The very idea that the state can lock you up and not protect you from prison rape is something that I think is unacceptable. You have to leave? Yeah, I got to sit. Oh, why didn't you tell me you had to sit? I'm first up on this show. Well, we'll get you when you come back. Come right back.

I meet some interesting people in New York. I recently met a woman with a rescue dog. I said, what kind of dog is that? She goes, it's a German Shepherd rescue mix. That makes no sense at all. Rescue is not a breed. Rescue is kind of like an adjective when you're talking

about an animal. So I said, that's cool. I know a cat who's half Siamese, half sleepy. People who have rescue pets are kind of annoying. They're so proud of themselves and what they've done. That's the only thing they want you to know about the animal. What kind of dog is that? I don't know. He's a rescue.

Yeah. He's a rescue. He's a rescue. It's lazy. You don't do that with kids. How old is your son? I don't know. He's adopted. He's Korean.

Adopted mix. I'm single again. I had a bad breakup. Fact is, I don't date very much. My sarcastic nature tends to ruin dates on occasion. Here's what I need. I need what NFL quarterbacks have. NFL quarterbacks have an earpiece in their helmet.

When something bad's gonna happen, a coach will call down to them and say, you better call something else. This isn't gonna work. And they will call an audible. I could use that. So when I'm on a date and a girl says something stupid, I can go with plan B instead of my gut and salvage the evening.

You knitted a Snuggie for your cat? What is... That is adorable. I did want to ask Kelsey, because Kelsey lives in Los Angeles. Can Ray sit down? Come sit down, Ray Allen. We have a big bar fight about what I'm hearing. We're talking now.

Get on in here. I've been here for a week. I fly out tomorrow. So why'd you come here? She's an L.A.-based comic, no? Yeah, I flew here because I was on the Gotham Comedy Live on AXS TV on Thursday. That's terrible TV. He doesn't like to talk about other comedy.

No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I know. But yeah, so I flew out for that, and then I had other spots booked. Have you been on that show, Dan? Yeah, I have done. I have done it. I don't even know. How do they get that show? I want that show. You could, but I want a Gotham Comedy Live. You want that show? Yeah, I want that show, Dan? Yeah, I have done. I have done it. I don't even know. How do they get that show?

I want that show. You could, but I want a Gotham comedy like that. You want that show? Yeah, I want that show. Read the contract already. All right. I mean, I want,

I don't know. I don't know how they do it. You want that show. You could have a show tomorrow, but you haven't taken any steps to get a show. No, no. There's been steps.

I don't want to take any steps. I just want them to give me the show. Of course, I know I should take the steps. But somehow, I think I'll never get that show. It's to read the contracts. I don't want to take any steps. I just want them to give me the show. Of course, I know I should take the steps. But somehow I think I'll never get that show. It's already in the works. I think even if I take the steps, that's not in the book for

me and my career. It won't be in the books if you don't read the contract and return it. And I feel like... Explain what you're talking about, Ray. Ray, apparently some producer wants to do a show here. I want to say that. And I think this is what's going to,

because this is going to kill the whole Vegas thing too. I think that to open a club in Vegas or to have a show, there's tremendous pressures on you to make it schlock. And that's the problem I'm having in Vegas, opening Vegas, and I see the Gotham show, which is, you know, which is just the quality is inconsistent, and the production values, and the whole

thing about it. It's the Gotham show? It's a hokey MC thing, yeah. I feel somehow, whenever anything comes to television, or goes to Vegas, there's just these pressures on it to homogenize it and make it suck. That's why I think I'm never going to have anything. If you work with Schlock, it'll be Schlock.

But it doesn't have to be that way. I don't know. At all. I think that with Netflix and with some of these Amazon, I think there's a lot of room now to do things like Louis did on FX. He couldn't have done that on network TV. You're absolutely right. But FX is a smaller thing.

Absolutely. I think there's room to do what you want to do. I mean, you could even produce it if you use your money and produce it. No, no, no. Dan, the thing you were talking about, so we went to this, I brought it to a couple of different production companies. I want to do this show. Go ahead.

He's got to read the contract and finish it. That's it. Big mouth. Big mouth. I didn't reveal anything secret. Kelsey, by the way, just getting back to you quickly. Yeah. Why have you made the decision?

This is, of course, a lot of comics ask me this decision, New York or L.A.? That's the most common question I get from young comics. Right. And you made the decision to go to L.A. Right. Is that because you're from Seattle? Yeah, I think partly. I'm born and raised in Washington State.

And before moving to L.A., which was like a year and a half ago, I was in the Seattle scene for about four or five years. And that's a pretty natural transition to just go drive 15 hours south and then you're in one of two major comedy markets. At the time, I had more connections in L.A. And so I had a guy who wanted to manage me that had some connections. I was like, we want to help you,

but we can't if you don't live here. What does a manager do? Do they do anything? They can help with auditions and kind of getting you in front of the right people. You're trying to get into movies and things like that? Yeah, but other comedy things too. I'm with a different manager now,

but she's fantastic. I mean, she's really good. She's very well connected and kind of gets... I've never heard any comedian say a good thing about their manager. You must have the best manager ever. No, I've never heard it. I never liked mine. She kicks ass.

She's great. That's for her. My manager is a fellow named Johnny Lampert. He's the guy I met in the men's room, right? You didn't meet him in the men's room. He tapped his foot four times. There's some Johnny Lampert. But he does a bang-up job of getting me work.

Nice. A lot of PAs. A lot of personal appearance work. Yeah. And he got me on America's Got Talent, which I didn't want to do at first, but he pushed me to do it, and it actually was a very big help. You must have made at least $200,000 because of America's Got Talent. If you add it all up over the course of the years.

Yeah, that's what I meant. Yes. How long ago did you do it? Right. How long ago was that that you did that? I suppose. It was a lot more than that. That was two years ago, two and a half.

Yeah. I mean, had I gone further, you know, obviously I would have made more. But it was a big help. It's starting to wear off a little bit. Now I'm searching for the next thing, you know. Or, again, pharmaceutical sales, as I've mentioned. At least you're not Barack the Rapist. So, Kelsey, she came down from Seattle to...

Now, Seattle and L.A. are not close, by the way. I made that mistake once. Fifteen hours. Yeah, because once I was in Seattle, I was like, I'll just go down to L.A. Oh, yeah, no, it's not close like that. Turns out those states are big out there. It's not like two states on the East Coast.

It's a wide expanse. But even from Florida to Maine is more, right? Yeah, but that seems like it should be because there's like 13 states in the way. But like Seattle to L.A., if you've got a couple of states, boogie on down. California's a long one. So are you a regular at all the comedy store and the Laugh Factory and those places out there? Yeah, the Laugh Factory is the one that I work the most. Is that Jamie Masada?

Yeah. I heard that it's a free-for-all over there that Dane Cook was that the one where Dane Cook won't let anybody perform or something? No, I think there was a fallout between... Dane Cook is supposedly banned from there now.

Oh, that's what it is. It's like a fortress to get in there. I got very lucky and I had opened for Bob Saget on the road maybe a year before that and he was just very sweet and was like, whatever I can do to help you, let me know. I told him when I moved to LA and he helped me get... He's a nice guy, right?

Oh, he's amazing. He's the best. He's a real gentleman. He never tried anything with you? No. Oh, come on. No, I mean it. I mean it. Why not? What do you think?

Is he married? No, but I mean, guys, like male comics that are that big are smart enough to know that if they're creeps, then the word's going to get out. And people don't want that reputation. It's not creepy. He could have actually tried to actually date you. To try something.

That makes you a creep? The human population sustains itself by trying something. Somebody's got to try something. I guess hitting on somebody is different than making an active effort to fuck them, which I guess is how I interpreted

what you said. I didn't say it. That is what Dan meant. You were correct, Kelsey. I guess... There is something, you know, when a comic is that big and that established and Kelsey is that new, there is something inherently one could consider that

an inherently creepy move. Like a Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky thing? Yes, you know, when the power difference is that vast. One might, like you and a weight... Another left-wing view of this. You know, I'm not saying yay or nay. I mean, if he would legitimately like you as a person and

wanted to... But one might say that taking advantage of somebody who is in a position, a weaker position... A Bill Cosby move, you're saying? No, no. I don't think Dan would attack if he was trying to drug Kelsey.

Dan already thinks Bill Cosby should get like six weeks. Oh my God. Well, Bill Cosby... He's old. When somebody says, did he try anything? That doesn't mean like ask you for coffee. Right. Like, did he try anything?

I mean, that's not... Yeah, thank you. You're implying something sinister. Yeah, try anything sounds... I don't know. I married a... A waitress. A woman who used to work for me.

Okay. And I was never a creep. I never tried anything with you, and you probably felt a little, like, insulted, right? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, wait. You mean she insulted that you never tried to bang her? Yeah, yeah.

Is that what you're trying to say? That's what I was getting at. Because the reason he's saying that is because Amy Schumer hates Ray because Ray never tried to bang Amy Schumer. That's what it is. Well, that's a reference to a previous episode. That's a running joke that's been going on at the cellar. There's no joke.

Regular listeners will know what Noam's talking about. So I don't think it's creepy. Listen, when I was a kid, you'd meet people all the time. How did your mom and dad met? Oh, he was a counselor and she was a camper. He was a teacher. She was a student. Wait, wait, wait. Teacher, student. It was very common in those days. Really?

Yeah, now those people go to jail. Now they have a whole web of laws that restrict people from doing what is going to happen anyway. If Dan had said to Kelsey that Sag had ever tried to date you, that's a different position. Yeah, try anything is never, it's exactly what you said. Try anything is never like, oh, did he ask if you wanted to get brunch? Try anything is like, did he try and finger you?

By try anything, I meant to cover the complete range of romantic slash sexual overtures. That's what I meant by try anything. When I tag, it says, listen, you want to leave the red roof and stay with me at the Ritz? Right. How about La Quinta?

By the way, make no one happy and tell them how much better the scene is here at the Comedy Cellar than at the clubs in L.A. Unless, of course, that's not true. No, it really is amazing. I get tempted to move here every time I come for trips. Because I'm here in the city maybe every other month or so. Because with the tour with Jim, there's these breaks where I'll come and try and just stay for some time.

Where do you stay? I stay with a friend. She lives in like kind of East Harlem area. But, yeah, I'm very happy when I'm in this city. And this club is amazing. Why is it so much better here than at Gotham? I mean. Look at you.

You're going to get me in a little trap here. Why is it so much better here than in L.A.? The scene, not the club. No particular. I think for a comic, there's an opportunity to do way more sets in a night um just geographically speaking you can whiz around manhattan and get up on a lot of different places in la it's like i mean i feel like you're lucky to get maybe two or three spots in a night and you have to be a really you know kind of high up there working comic where you're

past a lot of places but even then just getting from each club to each club, it takes a lot longer. So when I'm here, I just, I don't know, I feel like things move faster career-wise. Like I feel like a joke gets better quicker. Yeah, a lot of people have said that. But also, is there the same hangout? Here at the Comedy Cellar, of course, the crowd's always great

and we have a lot of shows. But in addition to which, people are hanging out here upstairs at the Olive Tree Cafe, less so now that the kitchen is under renovation. Right. We hope that that ends soon. Yeah.

Because if I eat another panini, someone's getting stabbed. But in L.A., is there a hangout scene? Is it as robust as it is here? I think there's definitely more camaraderie here

with comics. I mean, in particular at the Cellar. Do you audition for a lot of TV shows in L.A.? Because New York, there's not as much stuff to audition for. Right. Some. I do feel like there are quite a few opportunities over there. Has anybody that we might know tried anything with you?

There's got to be someone. I don't think so. I don't think anybody that you would know. You can't be like one of like two hot female comedians in the country and not have people try anything with you. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make sense to me either

but that's what y'all have to take our word for it. What do you think? Maybe you throw off like a vibe? Well, she's got a boyfriend, you know, right now. I have a boyfriend so maybe that I don't know. Is he a comic? Yeah, he is. Oh, so maybe that's why people don't try anything. Maybe they know. So I'm not so stupid. Oh, wait, is that him

over behind me? Is that your boyfriend? You're going out with Norton? No. Who's your boyfriend? Somebody we know? His name's Kane Holloway. He's in L.A. Kane Holloway? That sounds like another Brock guy. Oh, God, no! Don't fucking ruin his name. I'm just saying that name sounds that kind of a name. Kane, like. Oh, he sounds handsome. That sounds like another Brock guy. Another Brock. Oh, God, no. Don't fucking ruin his name.

I'm just saying that name sounds that kind of a name. Kane, like K-A-N-E. Oh, he sounds very handsome. That's a handsome guy name. What ethnicity is that? Sounds like a white guy. He's just a typical white guy.

Typical white guy? Kane Holloway. Now I'm going to ask you a real question. Sounds dreamy. Is he not as successful as you are? Um, I've had more, I've had more things happen for me in the last year or so than he has. What kind of strain does that put on your relationship? It's tough. It's gotten, I mean,

we've learned how to deal with that better because when he's actually been doing it for like a year or so longer than I have. So when he and I started dating, we've been together for about four years. When he and I started dating, he was ahead more than I was in the Seattle scene. He'd been there for longer. He was getting better spots than I was. Um, and then things kind of started to happen for me.

And I don't know, one thing led to another. And I think especially as a guy too, it can be emasculating. And if you've been doing it for longer, it's, it's tough. Um,

I think it's, it's going to break you up. I'm totally serious. I'm totally serious. I've heard this a million times. You're not the first person to say it. I think as long as you're both supportive. When I was dating Lynn Coplitz years ago, I was hosting a TV show in New York,

and then she got a deal with NBC while we were dating, and truthfully, we were both happy for each other. And there was no problem. That wasn't why we broke up. We broke up because she's batshit crazy. That's all of it. That's because maybe, I don't want to make a bad joke.

Never mind. But maybe her boyfriend is realistic about his career. And I don't see, I couldn't do it. If I was with a girl, especially if it started out like I was kind of like the one and she was kind of like coming up behind me

and then she totally outpaced me and it looked like she had a bright future and I was kind of maybe fizzling out. I'm not saying that's over, but if that were the case, I'm not cut out like that.

I wouldn't feel like a man. I wouldn't feel like a man I wouldn't feel like a man You know Greg Fitzsimmons Great comic I believe when he started dating Sue Costello She might have been like an open mic-er or something I think And they dated for a really long time

And boom She had a deal for her own sitcom Called Costello on Fox She was scheduled to be on Murphy Brown All kinds of great shit happening I'm going to add something to it I think that might have ended it. I don't think the woman likes it either.

Likes what? I don't think the woman is also not going to be that comfortable with a man who, in that dynamic. I don't think so. Well, I think many women would not, but there's plenty of counter examples of that. Will it be Dolly Parton's husband, somebody you've never heard of, for example? No, not somebody you've heard of or not. You're talking about they're both in the same profession, same thing.

Yeah, imagine Dolly Parton's husband is doing open mics, singing folks songs. Whatever Dolly Parton's husband is doing, it's nothing compared to what she's doing, whether it's in the same field or not. No, but there's a different nuance. It's the direct comparison. It's the direct comparison. Well, there isn't a direct comparison. Let her answer.

Let her answer. Well, I have the answer. Go ahead. Go ahead, Dan. If I were dating Kelsey and she was shooting to the stars, I would just say to myself, yeah, because she's a pretty girl and I'm an old creep. And I would justify it that way. She wouldn't like it is what I said.

She wants to have a man who has something about her that he's really good at what he does. Right. But he is. That's the thing. But Kelsey would know that I'm great at what I do just that there's a conspiracy against me. I keep feeling like it's always coming out the wrong way

but you know what I'm saying. I would never have been attracted to him in the first place if I didn't find him hilarious. Women comics are a strange breed, Noam, and you don't know this intimately because you're of us but not among us. Yeah. Or whatever that means. I agree.

Women comics are a strange breed. If you're funny, they will fuck you. And they will love you. And they will love you. You know, I think women comics value that, I think, more than anything else. Noam, are you posing that a female comic does want to be a lot more

successful than her male comic boyfriend? I wasn't saying comic. I was saying a woman, no matter how feminist society gets and how much we try to wring it out of our human nature, I believe that the dynamic of a woman, a very successful woman, with a man who is struggling to be somewhere and kind of not actually accomplishing it, and whatever it is, is a dynamic which in most

cases will lead to a relationship that just doesn't work out that well. You should try to get Anne Hathaway on the show then. She's an Oscar winning actress and her husband or boyfriend or whatever he's like, you know, an actor who And Amy Schumer's currently dating somebody who I don't know what he does. He's a carpenter I think.

He's a carpenter, yeah. But a carpenter's fine. That's the thing. A carpenter's fine. He could Yeah But a carpenter's fine That's the thing A carpenter's fine He can be an awesome carpenter Sure Doing great in his carpentry And Anthony's husband I don't know He was an actor

I don't know if they met I don't know how they met I didn't ask them I mean there's exceptions To everything Yeah But what do you think Ray You think women don't care

You don't think that My sister That competence and success Is attractive to women? It is, but my oldest sister is outrageously successful. She's an engineer. Oh, she's an engineer. Not the writer, the other one.

The other writer is successful, too, but she's not married. And the engineer's husband, he does okay. She's not outrageously successful is a strong term. She's not Elon Musk. She's not Elon Musk. That's, I mean, come on. That's one of the richest guys in the world. That's a successful engineer.

But she's like the vice president of a very big company in Silicon Valley. That's not outrageously successful. Really, Dan? My vice president's not outrageously successful. How much are you making tonight to do this podcast? That's not the point. You said outrageously successful. And the schlub that she married? Not even a schlub. He's successful

but not as much as her. He does okay. What does he do? Engineer. We're both engineers. It's the smart side of the family. Whatever. Kristen. Let's move on.

You guys are just fronting. Everybody knows I'm right. I agree with you. I agree with you. I may not disagree with you, but I think female comics are... You're lumping female comics in with every other female on here. They're women. They are women, technically.

And this is a compliment. female comics in with every other female They're women. They are women technically. Some female comics have like a you know, maybe have a weird psychology. She seems like an everyday girl. Don't you believe it. Thank you. She's like a well-adjusted woman. Thank you. I'm not a psychopath. She's actually taken my side more than you guys have.

I understand what you're trying to say and I'm explaining that I don't think that what's happening right now in his career as far as like it kind of more than you guys have. Well, I understand what you're trying to say, and I'm explaining that. I don't think that what's happening right now in his career as far as, like, it kind of being a struggle to stand out in L.A. because he's one of a million white dudes trying to stand out. Yeah, the prognosis is grim.

It's hard for white guys. It's hard. The one time in life where it's hard for a white dude. But, yeah, I mean, it's hard to stand out. But I don't look at that as a reflection of his talent. I just, I mean, it's hard to stand out. But I don't look at that as a reflection of his talent. I just, I mean, fucking look at Steve Carell. He didn't have a huge break until like 40-year-old Virgin. And I think he's one of the most talented actors and comedians on the planet.

Did he ever try anything with you? That's a real question here. I mean, I don't, I hope that something happens for my boyfriend, like a big thing sooner than age 40. But I'm just saying, I don't think it's, he'll be 30 in August. Does he ask you all the time? Did this guy try anything with you?

Did that guy try anything? No, and that's another thing too, is like I couldn't be with somebody who isn't secure in themselves. I couldn't be with a jealous guy because I'm on the, you know, what I do is like. And also you guys have a great relationship.

He trusts you and you don't, you know, you don't give him reason not to. Yeah, totally. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle my wife or my girlfriend on the road either. I couldn't handle it. I guess I better cancel. What can you guys handle? I better cancel on Anita's ticket that I got her.

Shit. You could handle that? What, handle what? Your girlfriend touring with Jim Norton around the country? If it was Jim, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't. That'd be all right. Bob Saget?

If it was Jeff Dye, I would be more worried about him all right. Bob Saget? If it was Jeff Dye, I would be more worried about him. If it was Jeff Dye, absolutely not. Yeah, that's... Who's the most handsome man in comedy? Is it Jeff Dye?

I think Jeff Dye. You think so? Jeff Dye's a beautiful man. He is magnificent. Do you like his comedy? Yeah. Yeah, actually, yeah. He does make me laugh.

He's a beautiful man. She went right back to his beautiful man. Beautiful man. He looks great. He is very funny. He hasn't been back to a beautiful man. Beautiful man. He looks great. He is very funny. He hasn't been here in a long time.

Yeah, he was a really nice guy, too. Nice, nice guy. Is he famous now? No. If he was famous, you wouldn't have to ask that question.

He was texting me photos. He was doing a pilot, like a thing where he's traveling all over the world with William Shatner and Terry Bradshaw. I don't know. Did it get picked up?

Yeah, Better Late Than Never on NBC. It's on? Because he just did the I Can Do That show on NBC. He's actually, he's getting pretty famous. NBC loves him.

Oh, suck that Jeff Dad dick. They love him. They love him. He's nice and he's handsome and he's funny. Why wouldn't they love him, right? Look at Ray. Ray can't do it. He is.

He's a very nice, handsome guy. And then you can be the celebrity judge. This is the reason that I thought it would be a good idea for Ray to come on today. I don't know if you know, we talked about you last week. Oh, what happened last week? Because apparently you plugged your Aruba show on stage. Oh, this was set on the air? Yes.

Oh, I didn't even know that. Yes. And Esty is very upset with you. Now, she's mad that I plugged it on the stage? Yes. Okay, let's talk about that. First of all, I was introduced at the top of the show as Aruba Ray Ellen by your manager, Liz. That's A.

Harrison, because Harrison wasn't around, so Liz did the offstage mic. So she says Aruba Ray Ellen. Then Lenny Marcus goes on stage and does a bit about going to Aruba. It's a really funny bit. He talks about fresh fish, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I go up after Lenny, and I give Lenny shit about going to Aruba. It's a really funny bit. He talks about fresh fish, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I go up after Lenny, and I give Lenny shit about the Aruba thing, and I happen to say,

by the way, if anybody in the audience is going to be in Aruba June 12th to July 21st, you should come on and check out the show. Why would Esty or anyone else give a shit? Oh, no, he didn't. Let me ask you. Do you think that anyone is not going to go to a show at the Cellar

because they're instead going to fly to Aruba and see a show there instead 3,000 miles away? Yes, I do, Ray. I think you're that good. Yeah, right. Anyway. And also people on stage all the time say, oh, you're from Ohio? I'm going to be in Ohio March 1st to March 15th. Who cares? But Esty likes those people. That's the problem.

She gives me shit she would never have done if Michelle Wolf did it or Louis said it or anyone else. If Louis said it, no, she wouldn't say it. For whatever reason, anything I do, it is viewed as being a bad thing. If a comic comes down to Aruba, there's 100 people who work here a week. If two comics come down here, they're not allowed to go on the road as long as it's not to Aruba. They can go to Texas and Ohio, but if they come to Aruba, no, you shouldn't take that road gig. It makes no sense.

Well, this is what I think first of all why don't you sit down with Esty and try to talk to her if she'll be willing to listen I'd be happy to

well I'm sure she'll listen let her listen to this episode because I think what I just said was pretty good no but Esty made up her mind you can't

she made up her mind and everything I just said to you I know that you know what I just said is very rational to be honest he defended you

I don't want to take sides against the family no but you did you said you didn't think He defended you on the show. I don't want to take sides against the family. No, but you did. You said you didn't think it was bad. No, I didn't think it was bad at all. I actually thought

that it didn't matter. Exactly what you said. No one's going to go out and buy a ticket to Aruba. I said the only thing that I don't like is if somebody

plugs Gotham. Oh my God! Can I tell you something? I've had comics when I've hosted here. I've had comics say to me, mention I'm headlining at Caroline's next week. And I say, I'm not going to say that. And you're an idiot to even ask me.

Why would you do that? I don't even care about that. But I was looking out for the club. Yeah, I think that there's more to be gained by being kind of magnanimous about those things. There's no real impact on our business because... Zero impact. Because the real fans of any comedian

know that they're headlining in Carolines, especially now with Twitter. The word gets out. And, you know... And by the way, you've been to the gig in Aruba twice. You've hung out there two different occasions and saw multiple shows. I know you're crossing the line. I really... You're in the newspaper down there. You to the gig in Aruba twice. You've hung out there two different occasions and saw multiple shows. Now you're crossing the line. You're in the newspaper down there. You have to humiliate me as well.

The newspaper said, famous comedy seller owner, known doorman, attends. It was the whole thing. He really has no social graces. What are you talking about? You said it on the air that you were there. You said nice things about the show. The show was great. Thank you.

Are you trying to get me to plug your fucking Aruba show now? Arubacomedy.com. Oh, my God. And I forgot what I was going to say. Well, I'll talk to Esty if you think I should. I'd be happy to. No, maybe you should set up a meeting with the... All the five families.

Dan, I want you at the meeting as well. I need someone else who maybe has my back. That's not going to help your cause. It might not, actually. because he'll probably go, Seth, six months is fine. Two years. But she really is angry with you about it? Apparently.

And the Aruba stuff really does get under her skin? Why? Whatever. And I really think you should talk to her about it and try to settle that. I'd be happy to. Yeah, you need to sit down with Esty. Sure.

She also seems to forget that the comedians who come, she's like, you're taking all the comedians. I'm like, I've known everybody for 20 years. If I call up Kevin Brown and go, hey, you want to come down to Aruba? We've known each other since I was, I met him when I was in college. I know this is interesting, and Dan, you can stop me if it's not interesting. Go ahead. Some of this is a holdover from a psychology of a different

era. There was a time when we were the little guys on the block and we were living off table scraps of time that various comedians had to give us while they were busy doing catch or improv and then we had Boston Comedy

right around the corner. It was competition. And at that time, anybody coming in here and taking comedians away or giving them a sponsor, it was a threat to us because we would cobble together a lineup with like two or three really good comics and then whoever else we could just get to go on.

It's totally different now. Now we're kind of the big kid on the block, and everybody comes here, and we're robust, and we can take these kind of things. And actually, and I told this to Dan, I actually think it's actually better for us in a sense that everybody knows that if they want to meet comics or even want to connect with comics to give them other gigs,

that the Comedy Cellar is the place to go. It's kind of like a meeting place for the comedy industry. And I think that's actually better for us and outweighs even the fact that somebody may get a gig who we might want to use a particular weekend. But I think that SD hasn't fully internalized that things are not as they were. And in those days, we used to really circle the wagons to try to protect ourselves. So that's what it is. Is that a good explanation? I guess so, sure.

Dan, was it right? Yeah, I think that there's more to it than that. I think she doesn't like Ray. I think you might be right. It's incredible. There is that. You think three people who all say or do the same thing, if I do the same thing as two other comics,

for whatever reason, she'll pull the pistol at me. She doesn't like it. When Vinnie Brandt used to work here, we stopped using him because he was hiring all, using this as a place to hire comics. And that's a low key. There's a thing in Jersey. Yeah. Now, let's keep in mind, by the way, I started working here.

And nobody disliked him. I started working over 10 years ago. The whole Aruba thing has been the last two, three years. So there's, one is, I mean, I've been here a long time before I ever went to Aruba. Listen, it's a classic Godfather thing. It's a blah, blah, blah, so long as your interests don't conflict with mine.

And they don't. Well, I don't think so. Right. But Esty does think so. And let me tell you something, Esty bleeds comedy seller blue. I've said this many times. She, I would say, honestly, she cares about the comedy seller and its success more than I do.

When it's busy, she is elated. And when it is slow, she is miserable. That she hasn't been miserable in three years. No. Because the cellar's been packed every night. Any little thing. And the truth is, her compensation is not affected. The only person who's affected by the dollars is me.

Yeah, yeah. But she, she lives on it. It's like her life's energy is affected by the ups and downs of, of the comedy. I get that. So she's very, she guards it very jealousy,

like a child, you know? Yeah. So interesting. Yeah. So I invited her down by the way to Aruba. Yeah, I did.

I really did. And at first she said, Oh, it sounds good. I'd like to go. And then, and then his last thing, you know, Ray had sex with a 75-year-old woman. Did you know that?

Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, 77. How old was she? You know what? It wasn't sex, first of all. It was not... God, for some reason it just sounds so much worse now. It sounds like you got creative with her.

You just went down on her. Yeah, I wish it would have Just been sex Rather than whatever The fuck you did How old was she She was about Yeah you got it right 77 But it wasn't

Why But it was not It was no intercourse There was no I think I was doing What was it Why would Esty Not like this man

Oh my god So terrible Why Why what I was Maybe I just felt bad for her No why Why is that bad

Is what I'm saying Oh thank you Oh Kristen Thank you Can I ask what you did They were just touching That's it Maybe I just felt bad for her No why is that bad is what I'm saying Oh thank you Kristen Can I ask what you did? They were just touching Touching? No don't touch me now Don't talk about touching and then you touch me I didn't touch her

Oh she gave you a little jerky jerk Oh my god A little arthritic jerk Can you still remember the knuckles The arthritic knuckles over your hand Yes I do Yes I do I never would have

Why did I ever How did that story come out There's no chance She has serious radio I don't know First of all I don't like this Elderly bashing

I mean Yeah all of us Are going to have Those wrinkly hands One day She's the last girl At the bar I would just say

Go on record As saying it It's got to be An explanation The other night there's this 83 year old woman here named Rose she comes here all the time

listening to music and you know what Noam said Noam's playing music and Noam said this piece of ass right over here is 83 years old

no respect now Rose is the kind of woman she loves that does love it but Noam and she got up and she was dancing

kind of sexy and I actually admired her. I said, this fine piece of ass is 83 years old. She probably got a kick out of the compliment. And everybody clapped. I wasn't being disrespectful. Well, in the context, it sounds okay. I'm not by nature disrespectful.

But piece of ass, you meant it in a sarcastic way. Obviously, you don't think she's a piece of ass. I didn't mean it in a sarcastic way. She looks pretty good for 83, Rose. For 83, she looks all right. I meant it to be ironic, but I didn't mean it in any way. She looks pretty good for 83. Yeah, I mean, I didn't mean it. For 83, she looks all right. I meant it to be, you know, ironic, but I didn't mean it in sarcastic, like... No, your heart was in the right place,

but it's not something I would say, personally. All right, you know, I might not tell some of your jokes. Anyway, so... By the way, your nanny, by the way, was very nice. Oh, Ray, don't bang... Ray also banged my nanny.

I didn't bang his nanny. I dated her for a year. You didn't bang her? I mean, we made love. He banged her on the night he met her. I didn't bang his nanny. I dated her for a year. You didn't bang her? I mean, he made love. He banged her on the night he met her. I was going to say, you're dating somebody for a year. I didn't bang her. I mean, we...

Every time was like sweet, tender. No, we banged, but he makes it sound so crass. Like a one and done, he makes it sound. Thank you. Thank you, Kristen. Thank you for helping me out there. All I can tell you about the nanny is that she ghosted us. She did.

She ghosted everybody. Shocking. The family and me. She really did. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. All right. I think we're going to wrap it up.

We are wrapping up. I would like to say that I think this was a good show. Very good. Yeah. I want to see Kelsey's act. I've never seen her act. Are you performing tonight? I'm not here.

Gotham. She's going to be in Gotham tonight. Oh, tonight you're in Gotham? Should we go to Gotham? Should I ever do a guest set downstairs? It's fine, but I don't know if there's room on this show. But if you want to do a guest set on the later show. Thank you.

You're welcome. I have to look at what time my other spots are, but if I can make it work, I'd love to. Absolutely. Thank you. By the way, Ray, don't ever it work, I'd love to. Absolutely. Thank you. By the way, Ray, don't ever do that again. Do what? Offer somebody a spot on one of our shows.

I said, why don't you? But in this case, it's actually perfectly okay. Are you at Gotham tonight? Yes. I don't care about Gotham. By the time this show comes out, she won't have been there. Go ahead. Plug where you are this week.

Go ahead. Well, tonight I'm at Gotham in the stand, and then I fly to Atlanta tomorrow for the Laughing Skull Festival. So if you're in Atlanta, any of you listening, I will be there. You know, I know this is going to sound funny. I really didn't see the stand coming. Oh, my God. I can't do it anymore.

I really didn't expect that. I guess you could edit that out. Are they moving? I don't know. Are they? By the time this airs, her stand spot will be over. I'm kidding do it anymore. I really didn't expect that, but I guess you could edit that out. By the way, are they moving? I don't know. Are they? By the time this airs, her stand spot will be over. Okay. I'm kidding.

I know. Listen, is it okay that she mentioned Atlanta, or is Esty going to get upset that she mentioned something in Atlanta? Esty likes her, right? Listen, you know what? It's part of life to read people's temperature about you, and if you know you're on thin ice with somebody, maybe you don't want to dance. Maybe it's time to go easy.

Maybe your manager shouldn't introduce me as Aruba Ray Allen. Well, maybe you didn't need to double down on it. The joke, I didn't even think about it. It was such a harmless thing. It was harmless. By the way, Dan's going to be in Aruba July 10th through 17th. That is true. Hopefully my sword neck will be better by then,

so I can jet ski. Yes. I'm having terrible pinched nerve. Dan. I was finishing my health report. Okay. Go ahead, Kelsey. I do make the cellar my priority, though, every time I'm in town.

Whatever the spots are, I make sure that that, and then I try and fill in around that. That's very nice of you. And honestly, it's all joking. I don't care about who you plug Ray yes sir be careful who you plug yeah I know

it's incredible this is happening to him isn't that fucked up Kelsey I don't want it to happen to me he means that in all the ways possible Ray two weeks ago I was on the podcast

with Godfrey Godfrey in front of us he said yeah I'm going to be in Houston and I'm going to be in Cleveland and I said

yeah I'll be in Aruba June and July and she looked at me and was like, what are you doing? It's unbelievable. It's God-free. Have you seen his act? Who gives a shit? Who cares who it is?

He destroys Ray. And he's not going to be here destroying, because he'll be in Houston and Ohio. For a 39-year-old man, you haven't learned many lessons in life. I guess not. When you destroy at a comedy club, you can do what you want. You should come watch over the Village Underground every once in a while. I do watch.

But Godfrey is a juggernaut of an act. Godfrey kills harder than anybody in New York. He kills harder than anybody in New York City. Every time I haven't seen him in a while and I come back and see Godfrey, I'm like oh my God. And it's always He kills harder than anyone. He is really, really He's great.

But anyone but me is allowed to plug shit in her head. Let me tell you, not only is Godfrey allowed to plug stuff, he's allowed to not show up at least three out of five times. And nobody says anything to him. That's how hard he kills. You try that, right? Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Thank you to Kelsey. Thank you to Keith Albrecht.

Dan, you good? You want to plug your Twitter? You have a Twitter? Yeah, Keith Albristad. Dan, you good? You want to plug your Twitter? No? Matt! Okay. You have a Twitter? Yeah, it's at Kelsey Cook. K-E-L-S-E-Y-C-O-K.

And at Ray Ellen. R-A-Y-E-L-L-I-N. Oh, Ray Y. I know! Thank you, guys. Thank you.