The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Kevin Brennan and Lenny Marcus

Episode Date: February 25, 2016

Kevin Brennan and Lenny Marcus

s good evening everyone the commisal show here on serious accent on ninety nine the comedy channel uh... we're here with the the uh... the hottest force in podcasting in the united states of america lenny marcus and kevin brennan who's uh... doing a deadpan uh...

uh... thing and i just in my dial if you know what i mean. Of course, Dan Natterman is here. He's been away. Krista Montella is not here because she's having a hissy fit because one day we forgot to tell her about the show. She said she was going to quit the show, but I think I convinced her to come back. I listened to your podcast

at the beginning of it the other day, and you spent 15 minutes arguing about whether or not you should disclose your location. It's irresponsible. Why is that irresponsible? Because I'm anti-Muslim. He thinks somebody's really going to come harm him. You know how they are.

Kevin, Brandon, Lenny Marcus started a new podcast, and it rose to number five on the national podcast charts. Yes. Immediately, correct? It went pretty quick. Yeah. How long did it stay? By Thursday. How long did it stay? Thursday morning we were number five and then I went up on stage at the

esteemed Comedy Cellar stage. Right before I went on, I told somebody we're number five. Lenny goes, now we're 53. I'm like, thanks, cock block. From the morning to the afternoon, from the morning to the night, or from the morning to the night, we went to 5 to 53. It jumps up and down, supposedly.

But that's not downloads. That's subscribers. So I don't even know. I don't even know. Who knows where it is now? Yeah, the iTunes charts are very thin. I got to warn you guys. I've been up 24 hours.

So I may be a little punchy. Why are you up 24 hours? Listening to our podcast year? They're awesome. I binge listen to your podcast. I'm going to Brazil on Saturday. So I bought tickets.

So they get all your shots? No. I got my Zika. What is it called? Zika. Zika. So I bought tickets on Expedia.

So last night I get a text message from Steve Fabric and he says, do we need a visa? I'm like, not to my knowledge. But it turns into Liz, of course, Googles.

We do need a visa. And it takes 15 days to get one. Oh, no. So I was so fucking nervous. I was up all night. A visa is more than just a passport. A visa means permission to go to the country. It's other than a passport. You need a passport and something extra.

Yeah. Visa, a passport is, identifies you as a citizen of the United States of America and a visa is permission to go to the country.

So, this is what kills me. So, anyway, I got the visa. I got it in one day. You're not supposed to be able to do it,

but I just went and I begged and they gave it to me. You went to the Brazilian consulate. You went to the Brazilian consulate? I went to the Brazilian consulate, even though they told me not to come. On the website, it says don't come. It says we will, emergencies,

if you have a note from a doctor or you have a letter from the Brazilian government. Otherwise, if you already have plane tickets, that's not an emergency. I mean, everything they do to tell you not to come. Well, I have a similar beef with JetBlue because I missed my flight to Aruba last week. Oh, that's wonderful. No, on Wednesday. Wonderful. I have a similar beef with JetBlue because I missed my flight to Aruba last week. Oh, that's wonderful.

No, on Wednesday. I went the next day. But because I didn't realize that you need to show up an hour ahead of time to check a bag. Everybody knows that. Does everybody know that? Because I asked around and people didn't know that. My son just told me that today.

Is it true? For international flights, you've got to be there an hour and a half. You're supposed to be there two hours before a flight. Yeah. They tell you to be there two hours before. So what didn't you know? To pack a bag, you've got to be there an hour. Because they tell you that just in case there's a long line of security.

But generally speaking, if you get there an hour before, it's usually enough if you're not checking a bag. But I didn't realize that you had to. Did you know that after an hour before an international flight, you're no longer allowed to check a bag? No, I didn't know that. Yes, I absolutely knew that. All right. Well, listen.

So I think that they should say when JetBlue should send you a text message. That trumps your story. First of all, I want my wife. No, that really trumps your story. Why? He does trump my story? He forgot to check a bag. Liz, I want my wife on this podcast, please, on this radio show. Kevin's here.

I want to talk about the whole wife-swapping thing that Kevin has suggested to me when he had dinner with my wife in Aruba. Oh, my God. So how was Aruba, Dan? Because it better have been fucking good because you turned down a part opposite Liam Neeson on the Amy Schumer show to go to this Aruba. Well, it would have been fun to meet Liam Neeson on the Amy Schumer show to go to this room. It would have been fun to meet Liam Neeson, but at the end of the day, I meet a lot of... I mean, meeting celebrities are always fun. Not celebrities. Meeting them,

performing, doing a scene with Liam Neeson. But again, what's he going to do? Say, that kid is good. I'm going to put him in missing three. Taken four. Taken three. Four. What are we up to? Four. Four. I mean, working with him would have been nice, but it wouldn't have advanced my career. And Aruba would?

No, Aruba would not. Aruba would not. Aruba would not. But you don't even make money in Aruba. After all the gambling and prostitution. I was already booked to do Aruba. You don't go home with any money. I was already booked to do Aruba.

And I prefer to respect my engagements unless there is a... And I told the people at Amy Schumer, I said, I'd be happy to do Aruba, and I prefer to respect my engagements unless there is a... And I told the people at Amy Schumer, I said, I'd be happy to do it any other time. So, Kevin... There is no other time. All right, then there's no other time. That's not how television works. Can I tell your Black Neil story? Kevin would be trashing Liam Neeson if he had done that scene with...

Kevin trashes everybody in the industry. Then I won't do it again. It's not going to launch my career. It's fun to do, and it'd be cool meeting Liam Neeson, but I've met celebrities before. The point of meeting them is not the point. That's the weakest point. So I would have done it, and it would have launched my career. Is that what you're saying?

I mean, there's a one in a billion. You know what Aruba's going to do? Nothing. So you don't know what Liam Neeson... Maybe he's looking for a sidekick, like a cop film where you're his dumb sidekick. I also, by the way, I didn't know

Liam Neeson was going to be doing it when I turned it down. Who'd you think it was going to be? Sylvester Stallone? Who'd they tell you it was going to be? I thought it'd just be members of the normal Amy Schumer show cast. I don't fuck it up. Hey, Dad, you want to do this show with me. Was that you, Lenny? Very good, Lenny.

Lenny does impressions. I do Kevin. Your podcast, this new Kevin Brennan podcast, is a delight. It is. Kevin Brennan is literally a national treasure. And I mean, he truly is. There's not another one like him

somebody is going to bury him never has someone but Lenny tells everybody where we are in case anybody wants to get a piece of me and we're at and

I say some inflammatory things don't I you say you trash everybody except me and Esty exactly that's a policy that's the mission statement

of the show under your orders no you can trash me go ahead I mean carefully nicely there'll be none of that that's the one thing That's the mission statement of the show. Under your orders. No, you can trash me. Go ahead. I mean, carefully. There'll be none of that. That's the one thing Kevin, that's Kevin Kryptonite.

And what's amazing to me is that Lenny doesn't feel that he's, I mean, have you given up on your career that you think you've got nothing to lose, that you're going to be Kevin Brennan because it's going to rub off on you. Yes, this is the end. Lenny, when we were, before we did the show, Lenny was, we had to do some promos, so I go over to Lenny's house so I'm saying, this is Misery Loves Company with Kevin Brand and Lenny Marcus. He goes, do something without me.

I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, in case it doesn't work out with us. This is even before we started. He goes, do something without me. There's a Trump rally, right? And Trump says something terrible or his supporters say something terrible. People associate it with Trump. Or Trump says something

with his supporters. Why don't we not associate? You will be. That's my biggest fear of the whole thing. I don't blame you. Lanny loves it. He's getting crazy pussy. He's getting all kinds of pussy from this. Are you guys friends or is this just a purely business arrangement? Me and Lenny?

Yeah, I never associated you two together in any kind of way. What do you associate? You're still hung up on JetBlue. Let me tell you something about Lenny. Me and Lenny are pretty tight. I didn't know it. That was my question. I don't think anybody's tight with Kevin.

Nobody's tight with Kevin. Lenny's my best friend. He just don't know it. And he wants nothing to do with it. I go, Lenny. No, because my wife told him that. She's like, when I did that gig at the Shore, Lenny comes over and my wife goes, you know, Lenny, you're Kevin's best friend. He's like, I am?

That's impossible. He had no idea. We weren't even that close. Yeah. Do you talk every day on the phone? Oh, come on. No, Kevin doesn't. We don't talk.

Kevin yells at me on the phone. No, and I call him. He never picks up. It's not I don't pick up. Oh, God forbid I'm doing something else. Dude. If the 11 o'clock news started with Chuck Scarborough, then I know I can't get Lenny on the phone. No, and I call him and he never picks up because if it's... It's not I don't pick up. Oh, God forbid I'm doing something else. If the 11 o'clock news started with Chuck Scarborough then I know I can't

get Lenny on the phone. I was literally on the other line. Can I read... I'll read you the text that I got in one minute. I do want you... I want to suggest to you

that you download an app to record all your phone conversations. I'm serious. And you should record your phone conversations with Kevin because there's going

to be gold there. You're going to be as famous as Judy Gold's mom. So go ahead, read your text messages. The text message is like... Don't read them. They're not like that

unless you have them ready. We'll read them on the show. He doesn't want to waste good material on our show. They're not even that good. I just take shots at his girlfriend because she's a cock block.

She's a total fucking cock. She won't let him do like... He has to go out for ice cream. He's like, I have a life and he hates it. No, he just he's got it because he thinks it's going to work out for him. I want to you should try to keep the people at home listening

like just just give them a little background so they understand what you're talking about. Lenny's engaged. Lenny Barg is engaged. How old are you Lenny? Old enough. He's around 50. He's in his 40s. And his girlfriend's around 30. That's right. And he'd never been married before.

And we'd never seen him with a serious girlfriend before, actually. He's never had a drink. Lenny's never had a drink. Did you meet on Tinder? How did you meet? No, we were introduced by mutual relatives. Is this an arranged marriage? It's an arranged marriage. As close as you can get.

And Kevin and I are both married to have rocky marriages with Hispanic women, correct? Yeah, you could say that. And Kevin's is rocker than mine. Kevin's actually left his wife. I didn't leave her. I just moved down the street for a little bit. That's leaving. That's not leaving.

You may seem like I stormed out like an Oscar Madison or the other one. Felix. So we see Lenny as kind of like the ghost of Christmas past or something. My wife loves Lenny now because he wrote a poem for her for Valentine's Day in the last episode. And I don't know what it was. I know something about she's not fat. And she goes, Lenny is so sweet. There you go.

And blah, blah, blah. She loves Lenny. Send me a text. I saved your marriage. How did I do that? Not just from that. From the podcast. She likes listening to Lenny.

He is sweet, and his marriage will last, Kevin. His marriage will last. Sweet and sour. Do you lust after strange women? Honestly. How strange? Like when you see a hot chick walking down the street, you lust after her. Look, I don't

want to speak for everybody at the table. I don't really anymore just because I think I'm over it. I got over it. Because even if I was completely single, it wasn't like I was going to turn around, follow her, talk to her, strike up a relationship, have sex with her. That just wasn't my game anyway.

Women know, as Dan and Adam, women aren't giving the pussy out easy. Is that how it goes? Well, I think I still say that. It's not easy to get pussy. That's the point. It's a lot of work involved. Unless you're Liam Neeson.

Or if you do a scene with Liam Neeson, that'll get you some pussy. Were you in a scene with Liam Neeson, that'll get you some pussy. That would say it. Were you in a scene with Liam Neeson? Well, yes, I was. I think Lenny got to the point where he's like, it's not easy to get pussy. So she's a nice girl. She's younger than him, so she's in her childbearing years. And Lenny needs a kid to go take to the Yankee game.

It's just that simple. It's not more than any complicate. I just warned him that when you got to move in New York, it gets pretty pricey. I know. That's true. And you never have enough money if you live in New York, unless you get a hot, hot podcast going where you're the fucking sidekick. So show your fucking pie hole, Lenny.

This is what I'm getting at, Kevin. I think you'll agree with me. Most guys, you see they're like cavemen. You see a kindred, primitive spirit in them, right? With Lenny, he actually seems to not suffer from the same overpowering urges. Yeah, but I think it's because he don't drink. He don't drink. When you drink, you get a little bit more like, hey, you know what I mean?

Lenny, you never drink? No, I never drink. The possibilities are endless. Is that what you're saying? No, just in general, when you drink, that's why people go to bars to meet, because when you drink, the atmosphere changes. Right. So I'm almost too grounded.

That's the point. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm too grounded. Have you ever talked to a woman just on the street, walked up and started talking to her? Maybe on a street corner, but it never goes anywhere. They never give you anything that indicates.

Well, you're not a good- good looking guy but I'm just saying like but you've tried it have you had a sexual one night stand that I didn't know the person ever before that night yes no

I can't do that what's the short you can't do it you have the opportunity but you couldn't do it I have to know somebody a little bit how many women

have you had sex with in your life 20 that's a robust number what's the shortest you've known any of women have you had sex with in your life? 20. That's a robust number. What's the shortest you've known any of them before you had sex with them? A week.

A week? Yeah. Where are you going with this? He's trying to figure out my mentality. He's trying to say that Lenny's a fag. No, I'm actually

fascinated by that because he's so different than me. He actually will turn down a woman that he just met. He's like, I don't know you well enough. Well, here's the thing. I don't understand why, if you know this about yourself,

why would you get married? Because you know it's never going to quench your thirst. So why? Was it overwhelming that you wanted to have children? Yes, yes, yes. And I kept going back to my wife. I love my wife.

You don't have to quench your thirst. You just have to promise never to take another drink. It's not the same thing. No, I'm serious, right? I told my wife today, because we were discussing things. I told my wife today, guys, in general, want somebody else to touch their dick. That's right. Just in general. That's right. Just in general.

That's why they have strip clubs and massage parlors and in general. You're not looking for other girlfriends necessarily, but guys are just... Guys have a big clit. So guys need... You know what I mean? Guys need a little bit more attention.

And they just want random people to touch her dick. But not Lenny. No, Lenny will realize that once he's married, then you're like, when it's the same woman after a while, you're like,

that's why you go to the doctor more. You get a woman doctor, maybe she'll touch your dick. You know what I mean? I never did that. No, I got a woman doctor. That's pretty funny.

No, I got a woman doctor to get my physical. Is she Asian? Is she? Korean? No, she is. She's something. But the last time I got a physical, it was in LA. And I had a man do it. And then I'm like,

what am I doing? Why not get a lady to give me a physical? And she fingered me and I came. Are you serious? When she checked my prostate. You really came? No, but I mean, I was enjoyable because her finger's smaller. Okay.

Then yours, then your wife's. Then the last guy that put his finger up my bum hole. My wife is here. Juanita, come sit down.

Sit next to Kevin. Oh, come on. I can't, don't get me in trouble today. I'm not going to get you in trouble. Oh,

yeah, yeah. So, this is my wife. Kevin asked me in Aruba if he could bang my wife. Oh,

I did. But he did it with like a gentleman. He offered to let me bang his wife in return. Was it at all serious? No, it was serious. It sounds like a joke to me. It was serious. Gross. Like two pimps talking. We went out to dinner. Ray

made me go out to dinner with everybody. What was my wife wearing? Do you remember? A white dress. No, because she was tan. She was tan. I never saw her like this before, so I said... No, because she was tan. She was tan. Now that's how you know it was real. I never saw her like this before, so I said... And then that was... Me and my wife just got into a massive fight.

Remember, I was supposed to go down for the whole week, and then she made me go... Yeah, what was up? That was horrible. She made me basically rearrange the thing. Yeah, that was terrible what she did. Oh, it wasn't terrible at all. Yes, it was, because you were committed to a show,

and that's your profession, for Christ's sake. Yeah, but she knew I wasn't making any money. It doesn't matter. That's your profession. So then she flipped out, and she said, you're not going a whole fucking time. I'm going to stay. And the weather was miserable up here.

So then whatever. So we just got to a huge fight. She can't expect you to cancel a commitment to a show. Basically, I was on death watch. Why can she not expect me to cancel, but I get castigated for not canceling because of an opportunity that was of marginal value? Because she asked him to cancel for no reason.

No reason. No, she didn't want to watch the kids. I was going to be gone nine days in terrible weather. But she knew you were doing it. No, she didn't really know. I told her. Oh, you changed the story now. No, I told her like kind of last minute so she couldn't really get mad the whole time.

Yeah, I do that too. She'd only be mad for like a week. That's not even the story. You guys kill me. His wife didn't trust him, so she didn't want him to go. Because prostitution is legal in a room. No, because it was right after the thing. It was right after that other thing.

It was after that. Bye. Don't say it. My wife listens to serious. But she knows. Yeah, after that. Bye. Don't say it. My wife listens to Sirius. But she knows. Yeah, but she don't want the public hearing this. Are there 10 people that listen to it? How many viewers you got?

We don't know because Sirius doesn't give us numbers. But they've renewed our contract three times. So the joke's on them. You know. All right, so should we rehash? I don't know how hard it is to get a show as serious, to be honest with you. It's pretty hard. We hate to say it.

I hate to say it. Why don't you diss serious? See how hard it is to lose a show as serious. Well... You're a great sidekick. They're not going to get... They're not going to throw us off. What?

You're telling a Neil story? We're going on podcast. We're going to be get, they're not going to throw us out. You're telling a Neil story? We're going on podcast. We're going to be a podcast again soon, thankfully. We started already. Kevin Brennan. Oh, we should start it? You can download it as a podcast now. Kevin Brennan.

You can, because that's not what I heard. Yes, well, I think it is. It's like a two-week delay or three-week delay. Kevin Brennan has a younger brother, Neil Brennan, who is the creator of the Chappelle Show, correct? Yeah, did you guys get your tickets for three mics already? No, but I'm helping to promote that show. Neil's doing a show.

Why the fuck are you helping? At the Birbiglia Theater on Bleecker Street. That's what it's called, the Birbiglia? Yeah, the Birbiglia Theater. Oh, my God. I'm really out of the loop. He has his own theater? Did they give him a street yet?

But listen, we have a problem because Neil's in town. He wants to do spots. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is why you brought me here, to tell me that? No. You don't want me to talk about that? No, no, you can talk about it. It's funny that a guy who says anything he wants on a podcast, anything at all that he wants, he's like, don't talk about that.

Don't talk about that. I'm just going to upset him. Go ahead. Sorry, Dan. No, I mean, you said he was trashing everybody. I wonder if he mentioned me at all. Maybe I'm not that significant in his life. You didn't get there yet. We're only on episode seven. No, we got to him. We got to Natalie?

I know I said something. How do we handle the Neil-Kevin thing here? I thought Neil was doing a one-man show. He is, but he's going to be in town, I'm sure. Yeah, but do you guys have... Can you guys be in the same room? Yeah, but do you guys have three mics? Kevin went on the Opie show and trashed his brother Neil.

And now they're having a bad feud. And we're the losers here at the Comedy Cellar because they're both fantastic acts. And they are. And although they don't think. Actually, I think Neil thinks you're a great comedian. No, I don't think so. I think he does. But anyway, now we can.

I don't know. Esty and I were having lunch. We were like, what are we going to do? Because we were afraid to. Did he put in? He put in, yeah. For when? I don't know.

I don't have it off the top of my head. Just go from like six to nine is one of them. So I was telling Esty, like, can Kevin start the show and Neil close the show? Like, we don't know. Yeah, you guys can do anything you want. By the way, on a related note, in terms of booking, I mean, it's not a deal breaker, but why are Lenny and I back-to-back so off? I feel that that's inappropriate, because Lenny and I are both bookish-looking Jews, and I feel, even though our acts are very, very different, very often times, whenever I go on after Lenny, if I go on before Lenny, it's cool, but when I go on after Lenny, I feel like they're saying,

another bookish Jew. I feel that energy. So I wonder why Esty puts us together so often. You know, the lineups are very tough. It's like, I don't know what you call it. It's a lot of interlocking parts, and somebody's available here,

somebody's available there, and sometimes two bookish Jews is the only good option. And also, I don't like going in after Modi because I have to listen to Modi before I go up. Wow, that was almost Kevin-esque. No, I'm only kidding, Modi.

I love you. That's a good try. I want to get to something. What about the time that Kevin attacked Dan at the table? What did I do? Were you trying to stir up shit? Of course I'm trying to stir up shit.

This is making it interesting. No, go back to the Neil thing. So what did Esty say? What's her plan? Juanita was there. Esty was in a panic. We don't know what to do. I would do this.

I would give Neil not many spots because he's doing a one-man show and that has nothing to do with spots. So is he doing the spots for the money? He doesn't need the money. Everybody's telling me how much money he has. So is he doing the spots for the money or getting ready for his one-man show? But a one-man show is not a 15-minute spot, so what is he getting ready for?

Who cares? I don't care what he's getting ready for. I want to use him because he's a good comedian. Oh, come on. I'll find you better comics than Neil. I'll just walk over to Greenwich Village Comedy Club, and I'll get a fucking handful. I'll probably get a gaggle of them, whatever that number is now.

Have you seen your brother Neil's act? I've seen a little bit, and I've been rest assured that he's not very good. Oh, Kevin. By a very reliable source. Your mom. My mom. My mom takes Neil's side every time. He's the baby. Kevin can't win this.

He's the youngest of ten. My mom will be going to his show. Well, maybe your mom will be here. Are you saying unequivocally that you will refuse to go on if Neil is on? I follow anybody. I don't give a fuck. I'll follow

three Jews in a row. So what's the problem? He's willing to go on with that. The problem is that I'm literally afraid that they'll bump into each other in the olive tree and it can get ugly. Who? You and Neil. They're not like that. Maybe we are.

I'll do it for the story. Oh, my God. If there was a fight right behind us here, that would be great. Let me ask you this. Whatever you think about Neil, if you didn't, if he wasn't your brother, don't you think you would think he was a good comedian? I probably would have never seen him

if he wasn't. But isn't it somehow affected by the fact that there's some family resentment there or history or something? It can't be irrelevant that you're brothers. But I've just, what I've seen, I just think it's, listen, he's from that generation where they're all soft. All the jokes are soft.

All the jokes are nice. They don't, you know, it's like, Lenny can tell you, he can finish it. He's heard me say it a hundred times. You like Lenny's act? Lenny's not Mr. Harsh. He is. He's more now that he's hanging around with me. He's fucking doing my act.

Practically doing my act. I can't follow him either. I'm like, Lenny, what's with all the fucking black jokes? He does make a lot of black jokes. I know. He didn't do them at all until he started hanging around with me. That's true.

No, I think Lenny's always been borderline racist. There you go. Thank you. Memory serves. Who care? Obamacare.

That's right. That was a borderline joke. That's right. Yeah. What's the matter with that? I told Lenny, I said, Esty told me,

she goes, oh yeah, Lenny's act is getting a little edgy. And I go, yeah. And she goes, I like it. So I told, I told Lenny, I said, Esty told me, she goes, oh yeah, Lenny's act is getting a little edgy. And I go, yeah? And she goes, I like it. So I told Lenny that and I saw his eyes light up and he goes, more black jokes. Hi everybody. Guys alright? You're all looking at me like, can this guy fix my printer? I know what I look like, relax.

Look like Bill Gates and Jerry Lewis had kids. I know what I look like. Relax. Look like Bill Gates and Jerry Lewis had kids. I know. I can do that too. You know, this is New York City. I was in a cab the other day. Cab driver was an 85-year-old Asian woman.

How bizarre is that? Isn't that every dangerous driver rolled up into one dangerous driver? I was never so scared in my life. If she turned around holding a beer, I would have peed in my pants. It's like, where are you going? Hopefully heaven.

Don't kill us. And people get politically correct. Don't do the Asian voice. It's offensive. No, it's not. People really talk like that. I'm not making it up. Every Chinese restaurant

I've ever been in the world, you walk in, the woman's like, where you at? I'm not making it up. Every Chinese restaurant I've ever been in the world, you walk in, the woman's like, what you want? I'm not making that up. By the way, I know she's making fun of me too. I know she's like, what you want?

And I say, could I get one egg roll, please? I know she goes to the back to her friends and makes fun of me like, ding dong, ding dong. Could I get one egg roll, please? I know that's happening when it cross lines

into bigotry so you know is when you adopt the accent you know what I'm talking about you sit in that restaurant too long she talks too long

you listen too long she comes at the end of the meal you want anything else you're like no no you bring check fuck

I'm such an asshole what is the matter with me you gotta be careful what you say now you can't offend somebody in two seconds I don't know what to say to black people anymore

most of the time I choke if a black guy walked by and I had to describe him I choke like a white guy every time. What'd that guy look like, Lenny? I didn't see anybody.

He was right there. I didn't see anybody. He was right there. He was tall, holding a basketball. I don't know. Black people can call white people anything. We just have to take it. We do.

We're so guilty as white people. My friend Sherrod, he makes up his own vernacular. Once he called me money. What's up, money? Is that good? I don't even know. He either calls me money or Holmes. What up, money?

What up, Holmes? Two things I do not have. Why don't you call me other things I don't have? What up, abs? How you doing, rhythm? What's going on, hot chicks? Just once, I'd love to do that back.

We'll sell a majority. Oh, that was over the line for this crap? Really? I kind of resent the fact that comedians, like, it's unprofessional. Why do I have to fucking worry about your personal problems? You know what? You should call Kevin's mom right now and ask her.

You should call Kevin's mom on your podcast. her. You should call Kevin's mom on your podcast. He'd never do it. I already asked. Just do it without asking. That's your problem. You don't ask. He just told you, book it as you wish. He'll go on when he wants to go on. We want to know if Kevin is going to be a troublemaker.

Of course he is. I'm not going to be a troublemaker. I need the money. I'll do whatever you guys put me on. Because you can't help yourself. If I can follow Big Les, I can follow Neil. Leslie Jones? Yeah, whoever. It doesn't matter.

I follow Greer doing his fucking ping pong thing. Did he trash Leslie Jones on your show? No. No, she's too big. It's the one person that could beat him up. He doesn't trash Greer. No, he loves Greer. No, I did say something about Greer.

You did? Yeah, a little bit. Backhand a couple minutes. I heard you trashed Sarah Silverman. Yeah, why not? What's she going to do? What the fuck is she going to do? First of all, they're obsessed. Everybody in Hollywood is... You can say whatever you want because they're obsessed with being like... She's the sweetest thing ever. She's a cunt.

Oh my God. I just saw something, like a little tweet from Sarah, like pretty much saying your fame to claim is that she lost her virginity. That's why you keep repeating it. Apparently it's on your Wikipedia. I didn't put it on. I don't own Wikipedia.

I didn't know you had a Wikipedia. Shut the fuck up, Lenny. Sarah Silverman lost her virginity to Kevin Brennan. Yeah, and I'm right here. And you have no respect. No, it's not that. It's just, first of all, I'm playing.

Me and Sarah are friends. But I did trash her on our podcast the other day. And then I felt bad because I asked her to tweet that we were number five. And then she was like, well, let me listen to the podcast. Then she said it was racist. I'm like, listen. Well, you know what? As far as tweeting is concerned, I got to beef with your brother about tweeting.

Why do you always change the subject? Anyway. It's the same subject. You're talking about tweeting. Can I finish my got to beef with your brother about tweeting. Why do you always change the subject? It's the same subject. You're talking about tweeting. Can I finish my story? He just said the word tweeting. He's not done with the story yet. Hold on.

All right, go ahead. I can't believe it. How long have you guys been working together? I would have fired Lenny. Speaking of together. No, go ahead. So anyway, Sarah said, she goes, I got to listen first. She goes, it's a little racist. I go, well, she goes, it's funny, but it's racist.

She goes, you should be doing a podcast because you're built for it, but it's a little racist, so I'll tweet it out later. I'm not going to do it right now. So to me, that means never. So I bashed her on the radio. And then when I get done with our podcast, which isn't live, it's taped, whatever, I get off the podcast, and I see she texted me, oh, I tweeted your podcast.

Which she did. So she did. So she completely made Kevin look like a dick. So basically the timing was just weird. Like she waited. She didn't know when we did the podcast. Because just coincidentally, she texted, instead of texting him before, she could have texted me earlier in the day, but I guess because of L.A. time.

Are you saying that she ended up tweeting people to listen to a podcast that trashed her? That's right. That's what she ended up doing. And then hopefully... You feel good about that, Kevin Brennan? Are you happy now? I didn't feel bad.

She's well open with an apology on the next one. So then I just hope... And she got so... It created so much activity, the fact that she said that, like it got a lot of likes from her and a lot of retweets. So I just thought between when she got a lot of activity on her Twitter feed, because somebody might have heard the podcast and go, he's trashing you, but she might have not even

paid attention because she probably thought it was just part of her tweeting about it in the first place. That's what I was hoping, because she didn't get back to me. I felt bad. Didn't I feel kind of bad? As bad as Kevin Brennan can feel. So I'm hoping he'll still feel bad on Monday because we will give an apology out to...

Yeah, but the thing is, Sarah's got like 7 or 9 million Twitter followers. So it's like... So I guess she's like, well, I can't just do whatever because my fans will turn on me. So basically I just said, do what you should. And then she said, I don't agree with anything on this podcast, but I did lose my virginity to him.

When you first met her, did you recognize in her that she had an unusual talent? Absolutely not. What's the unusual talent? Losing her virginity, Kevin? Absolutely not. That's not why you banged her. I banged her because I was running an open mic at a comedy club and she was an open mic-er and I was a pimp.

And somebody said, Sarah might want to have sex with you. I go, okay. Noam has a nasty habit of confusing fame with talent. I'm not saying Sarah's not talented. That sounds like what you said. I'm not saying Sarah's not talented. If you're not saying that, then I didn't confuse it. You're implying by

saying that that she has more talent than those who are not famous. That was the implication of your statement. You do that all the time. Dan Aderman is very close to me getting rid of you, Kevin. He's been trashing people since we got on. I'm not trashing anybody. What does that have to do with anything? She's an attractive woman.

You said that you... He was attracted to her and they had a relationship. No, I wasn't that attractive. Oh, shut up, Kevin. I dated her. I didn't even date her. Would you rather bang Sarah Silver or my wife? That has nothing to do with the point I was making.

Right now? I'll tell you after. If Sarah wasn't famous, you would not be asking, did you know she has an unusual talent? I had zero attraction for Sarah now. I had almost zero attraction for her then. Dan just said one of the dumbest things he ever said. She was 18 or 19. I had no attraction to her.

You confuse fame with talent all the fucking time. He just said if she weren't famous, you wouldn't be asking him if he recognized she had unusual talent. No, I wouldn't because it wouldn't be an interesting question to ask you, did you think the waitress, Jessica, had unusual talent? My point is, did you bang Jessica the waitress? No.

Who's Jessica? The point stands, Noam. The point stands. The point stands. Anybody that's famous, Noam's like, thinks that they're more talented than anybody that's not. I finally know what Natterman's saying. It's a relevant point.

And I'm not saying she's untalented, but please stop confusing fame and talent. Thank you, because you're insulting those of us who are not famous. Are you insulted? Well, I'm not insulted because I have a hot podcast, but if I didn't, I'd be very insulted. Misery loves company. Look at him. He's serious, too. He's helping you bumping. Of course I'm serious. You do it all the fucking time.

Oh my God, he's getting really mad. You do it all the fucking time. I just asked. I think owning a comic club kind of goes hand in hand with being a star fucker, so it's not his fault. Just the way it is. Whoa! Oh my God! First of all, you're a bookish Jewish Kevin Brennan

and I don't like it second of all I only ask curious like when you knew when you knew Sarah Silverman way back when

when she was a virgin imagine that I saw nothing I didn't even date her I dated her for a month all I asked was did you recognize in her that she might be

something special no I did not no one ever can predict this shit I can tell you the jokes she had she didn't even have good jokes. She had one joke about,

a friend of hers came up and says, does my, wait, I just had tacos. Does my, wait. Does my breath smell? I just had tacos. And Sarah goes, I don't know, do they put shit in your tacos?

Basically implying her breath smelled like shit. That's pretty funny. And then she did another joke about, she goes, she was Sado Guide and Crowd. Hey, you look like Rocky. And the guy would go, oh, thanks. And she goes, not Rocky Balboa, Rocky from that. Squirrel? The Mask movie.

Yeah, from Mask. She goes, not Rocky Balboa, Rocky from Mask. And then? The Mask movie. Yeah, from Mask. She goes, not Rocky Balboa, Rocky from Mask. And then the guy would be like, wah, wah, wah. So that was her two jokes, and she got SNL off of that. So Lorne Michaels saw something, but, you know, whatever.

I didn't see anything. I swear to God I didn't date her. Maybe you don't have an eye for that kind of thing. Nobody sees anything. Nobody can predict any of this shit. That's not true. I was around then, and I thought she was funny.

You think that nobody saw Eddie Murphy might make it? Maybe Eddie Murphy. And by the way, Eddie Murphy on SNL was dangerously close to being in obscurity. But you know what happened is that that other guy couldn't read the cue card. Charlie Barnett. So they fired him and brought Eddie in. But maybe there are people that

are so extraordinary that their fame is inevitable. But very few. That's the few, not the many. When Jon Stewart walked in here, everybody felt... Oh, stop it. Stop it. Come on now. Come on.

Everybody, stop. Belt. Everybody, stop. Lucian passed on it. Nobody felt anything. Yeah, he's yet another funny guy among a pile, among a shit pile of funny people, one of whom might actually slip through the net.

I'm not a comedian, so I'm going to tell you what I think. There is something that you see in somebody. It's funny is not... Oh, I saw something in Dave Chappelle when I saw him. Oh, there you go. Yeah, I saw something in Dave Chappelle. Absolutely, me too.

You know why? Because he was so young, and he was so... I saw him at Boston Comic Club. He's so relaxed, right? No, he know why? Because he was so young, and he was so, he, I saw him at Boston Comic Club. He's so relaxed, right? No, he was very relaxed, and the crowd was, the crowd wasn't his age, and they were just, and he was very comfortable, and he had just moved here, he was very comfortable, and the crowd was howling.

I'm like, this guy's good. He's good. He was real thin. He weighed like 40 pounds, very super thin. I just thought he's good. I still think Chappelle's probably the best natural talent ever. He's way better than... You can name anybody. Any other black guy's way better than him.

Name one. Name what black guy? I know you're going to name. He's way better than him. Chris Rock? Yeah, way better. Chris Rock has no range and Chappelle can do anything. Chappelle can do impressions. He's a great. He's a great Chris Rock.

He's a great joke writer. Chris Rock hits me in the gut on a deeper level because Chris Rock every now and again will say something so profoundly true in a way that Chappelle doesn't. Chappelle is a better performer, I think. But every now and again, Chris Rock hits it just

right in terms of... I don't think they ought to be compared because they're not similar types of comics, and I think they get compared because they're both black, which is not a good reason to compare them. I'm saying name somebody, and he's way better than them. Like when Chris Rock said Martin Luther King Boulevard, Martin Luther King was all about nonviolence, but if you

aren't Martin Luther King Boulevard, there's some violence going on. That, to me, hit me on a harder level than any... Hi, you're just in time. Dan, Kevin's trashing Chris Rock. I was?

What'd I say? No, I'm kidding. Or the infamous Chris Rock's black people versus the N-word bit. That's his mom's joke anyway. That's his mom's joke. I don't know.

No, I agree with Dan, actually. Chris is actually a deep thinker, and Chris is more, if you're going to compare, more to be compared with like Jon Stewart or a topical comic. And Chappelle is not that kind of comic. Okay, well, Chappelle has the most talent. For that.

No, for everything. For movies, for just in general. For sketch. Not for social commentary. Although Chappelle does some pretty good social commentary, actually. I think he does. He does. If he focused on that, he would be better at that than that. So why didn't you decide to do a show with him?

Because I was 12 years older than him. That's why I don't hang out with Neil or Sarah Silverman. Because I was older than them. They weren't even my age group. You don't hang with them. You just bang them. No, I didn't even date her. She wrote me a note saying, can we go out?

And I go, no. She did ask fucking Dave Juskow. We know you like those young girls. Did she want to lose her virginity to you? Was that her intention? No. I don't know. I never asked her that.

Well, you didn't go out for a date or anything? No, we never went on a date. She came over to your house. Yeah. And the first time you fooled around and went all the way? I don't think so. It led up to it. I think I did a Lenny move.

You got to know her. Got to know her, kept it sober. Did you know she was a virgin? No. Maybe some green tea. That was the story in the book where I didn't know and then I said and then there was like, you know, blood on the sheets. And then I said, Sarah, you're a virgin?

She goes, I go, you're a virgin? She goes, no, why? I go, because there's like blood here. She goes, maybe you're a virgin. I'm like, okay. That's a good joke. That's sad. That was not a joke.

She was just trying to switch it. She was so young. She didn't know that guys didn't bleed. I mean, Mody bled, but I'm saying guys don't bleed when they have it with a lady. When they have it with a man, folk.

Kevin is really funny. But I'm no Dave Chappelle or Chris Rock or even a Neil Brennan, for that matter. I see it. It's okay. Use a Kevin Brennan. I want to apologize to Dan for upsetting him, but I also want him to get over the fact. No, but I think it's a good topic of conversation. The bitterness.

Oh, my God. This has been building up. No, because I have to hear it from you all the time, this sludge that comes out of your mouth with regard to those who are famous, the way you go on and on and on about how brilliant and wonderful they are. It is sickening. I'm not saying you. I'm just saying in general, it's sickening how like once a guy gets anointed something,

people are like, everything he says is like, oh my God, did you hear what he said? And I look and I'm like, if like an open mic was set up, people would be like, what the fuck are you talking about? I agree with that. I told that to Lenny. It's garbage. It's garbage. The people just are like, oh my God. One person said,

this is when I lived in California, when I was really fucking fed up with it. And somebody said they saw Louis C.K. somewhere and who's that? What's the woman, the short Jewish woman, hangs out the comic strip? Gladys goes, I just

saw Louis C.K. She just posted on Facebook, I just saw Louis C.K. She just posted on Facebook, I just saw Louis C.K. at some theater in New York. And she goes, what a performance. I go, you mean a fat guy standing there talking is considered performance now?

And she goes, well, he was really good. I'm like, but it's not a fucking performance. It's a fat guy with red hair talking. Oh, God. Seriously. I mean, what? Like, I've known Louis for a long time. I've never seen him perform nothing. performance. It's a fat guy with red hair talking. Seriously. I mean, I've known Louie for a long time. I've never seen him perform nothing.

Even on his show, he makes a couple of silly faces like he's got like Asperger's. Well, the point you're trying to make is that I don't want to work here anymore. I don't want to work in his business anymore. I'm trying to interpret Kevin. He's got Dan's same point it's like once

somebody gets heat or is anointed something everything he says is heightened he's terrific to the hundredth level and I got something I can say to you

I got something but I won't even say on air I got something I can say I won't even say on air because it would get everybody mad including Esty

so I'm not going to fucking say it oh my god say it please say it for the love of everything holy, say it, Kevin. It would cost you a million. You'd have to give me the club.

It'll make you feel better. You'd have to give me the club before I would say it. Just say it. You'd have to sign the fucking lease over. Don't be a pussy. Just say it. I'm not going to say it. Not in a million years.

That's what a tease I am. Can you hint at it? Nope. This is what Sarah loved about him. What a tease. So why does she think your podcast is racist? Because I said, I said, Cam Newton. You don't know sports, though, right?

Me? Yeah. If it happened before 1978, yeah. No, Cam Newton, the quarterback in the Super Bowl. Oh, the black quarterback? Yeah. Yeah. So I said, you know, whatever.

What did I say, Lenny? I don't know. He said so many racial things. No, I just said that. Now my wife wants to disclaim her that she doesn't approve of the racist things I say. Because usually I say, if I'm going on a racist something, if I say something that's about

race, which white guys can't have an opinion about race anymore because it's automatically racist, you know? That is also true. So the point is that my wife says whenever I say something about race, I go, but my wife You know? That is also true. So the point is that my wife says whenever I say something about race I go, but my wife is blackish.

Sorry if I said that. My wife is blackish. My wife is blackish. And then my wife got sick so my wife says she wants me to take that out where I use my wife as a trump card

to prove that I'm not racist. Your wife can't be used as a shield. Yeah, as a shield. Yeah. My wife is blackish too. Yeah? She's not blackish like, yeah. My wife is blackish, too. Yeah. She's not blackish like my wife.

Is her family blackish? When we got married, all her friends and all her family were black. I say most of the guests at our wedding were black. I'll see you're black and crazy. How many of the gifts were purchased by black people? None. We got actually, I think, no, Cheryl gave us something. Very few.

I think that was the only black guest who gave a gift to our wedding. All right, so the guests were majority black and the gifts were majority white. It's not about that. Didn't you say that none of the black people RSVP'd to your wedding? They didn't RSVP and they didn't bring gifts. It's really true. I'm just saying. That is not true. They just showed up.

I handled all the RSVPs. It's overwhelmingly true. Wait, they just showed up? No. I will say that. The black people are everybody. No, no, no. People did RSVP, but we did have wedding crashers at our wedding.

Who just showed up like, hey, I'm at the wedding in jeans and a t-shirt. We were like, what the? Artie Pucqua crash, right? No. No? By crash, right? No. By crash, you mean they didn't RSVP or they weren't even invited? They weren't even invited. Where did you guys get married? At your house? No, we got married at Lower East Side here, the Angel

Lawrence hands. But there was a marked cultural difference in the way the black guests treated the wedding traditions of gifts and things like that. Yeah, we didn't get it much. So white guests. But, you know, I don't judge, Kevin. I judge. I know.

No, but I'm supposed to. I'm a comic, right? I'm supposed to look at it and observe? Listen, I don't think it's a black thing because my aunt commented on it. She had a huge fight with my mother about it. So this is funny. First of all,

I don't know if... I don't want to use the G word, but Juanita's family, they don't fight in person. They have fight ghetto. They fight on Facebook. This is how they fight. Really?

And they type the way they talk. So they spell everything. It's like Mark Twain was able to write in a southern accent. He was considered a genius. Her family are geniuses because they type in Brooklyn Spanglish. Yes, Puerto Ricans. Oh my god. So her aunt wanted to bring

she wanted all the kids to be able to come to the wedding. And how many kids? Like 50 kids, right? Like 27 kids. It's a lot of mothers and 27 kids, no dads. No, 27 kids under the age of 12. And Juanita's mom didn't want to let these kids come to the wedding. No, it wasn't my mom. It was me. Juanita's mom didn't want to let these

kids come to the wedding. That wasn't my mom. It was me. Juanita didn't want to let the kids come to the wedding. But your mom defended you. Yes. My mom said whatever you want. So her mom and her aunt are going back and forth arguing and it's getting nasty. And finally her mom says, listen Becky, when was the last time you went to a wedding, you know, a real

wedding where you have to put money in an envelope and give it to the bride and groom. And her aunt says, what kind of wedding is that? This is a true story. So like the whole, all the traditions are just outside her sphere. She had no idea. Because our traditions are different. That's why.

That's right. Your traditions are different. What are your traditions? First of all, wedding is not one of your traditions. That's why. That's right. Your traditions are different. What are your traditions? And I accept that. First of all, wedding is not one of your traditions. That's true. No, community center wedding is one of our traditions. And as a family, we all chip in. We make the food and we make the party.

We are the only married couple in your family. That is not true. Who else is married? My Aunt Becky's married. To who? To Ernie, her husband. The cop. They live together?

Yes. Oh, I never met Ernie. Have I met Ernie? For the most part. They're all married, divorced, married, divorced. The point is, they don't have big weddings. I didn't know Latin people never got married. They just get engaged.

Shut up. They have social things and it's family oriented and they cook and everybody chips in towards the wedding. Nobody actually puts money in an envelope. Everybody participates in making the party. That's how it is. Different cultures do behave differently. Yes.

That's usually what I say when I'm doing a podcast. I just point out that different cultures behave differently. We were talking about this past weekend or this past podcast, we were talking about how NFL players, National Football League players, a lot of black players get into trouble. Right. And they don't have to. Usually black guys say that they get into trouble because they can't get regular jobs and they can't do this. But the NFL players, they make a good salary while they're in the league.

Right. And then me and Lenny were trying to, and Lenny works for the Giants, and we were trying to think of, like, a white guy, white NFL player got into trouble recently, and Lenny had to go back into the 80s, but then we forgot Ben Roethlisberger. So what you're saying... Who almost raped somebody, or did rape somebody, I don't know how he settled. So what you're saying is that

you think because the fact that the black football players get in trouble, that the other black guys who claim that the reason they got in trouble is because they're poor and don't have jobs or are full of shit. That they really get in trouble because they're black guys who claim that the reason they got in trouble is because they're poor and don't have jobs or are full of shit. They really get in trouble because they're black. I'm just pointing out facts. There's a lot of black players.

And then I made a point that you don't know sports. Dan Ademan, you guys are both looking at a phone? No, I'm googling racist quiz. No, I'm not looking at a phone. This doesn't make any sense. I'm going to ask you a racist quiz. What about the black guy who punched his

fiance in the face in the elevator? That's my point. That's his point. You know, often that happens to me and my wife. She'll say, I say, yes, that's what I'm saying. It's annoying. I didn't know you were talking about him. He is saying that most black people get in trouble. I'm saying,

I can't even do the bit. You don't think black people do that? I'm trying to... The guy is one of ten children. If you take away attention from him, he loses his mind. I thought it would be fun to Google one of those quizzes Are you a racist?

and ask you the questions so we could actually get into it. I already win because my wife's if I was white and I was talking about race, but I have no problem with individuals but if you look at statistics

like Keith Robbins got mad at me because I said one time, and he turned all the black comics here against me because I said that, and I have a reliable source, a guy who went to who teaches he teaches a master, he's the best professor in Northwestern, their MBA program. Big black dude. He was a football player in college.

I can't go into how I know him. But anyway, I asked him, the point was, is there peer pressure to not do well in school if you're black? He said, absolutely. He said, if you do well in school, if you do well in school, you're in a mostly black school. He goes, they're going to say you're acting white. That is true. They drop out.

Keith is like, how do you fucking know? Keith goes, my uncle, he's giving me anecdotal evidence of my uncle, blah, blah, blah. I go, I don't give a fuck about your uncle. I'm talking about statistics. That they drop out of school. That they don't go to college. There's peer pressure to not

do well in school. Where I went to college, everybody, I mean, where I went to high school, 99% of the kids went to college. You just assume. And then when I would see statistics that most high school like the general population like 22% this is back

whatever 22% might go to college and I was like what I thought everybody went to college and so I pointed out to Keith and he's like he goes you're racist I'm like okay that's like the alcoholic going like you're a fucking asshole for pointing out that I have a drinking problem it's like okay

don't address the problem. Don't address the problem. The problem is me pointing like, basically pointing out statistics that have been backed up by a black man who's a professor at a fucking fine university. And he gets like professor of the year every year. He has an MBA himself. He went to

Harvard, blah, blah, blah. He's a big black dude. He's not a nerdy fucking... Who's that nerdy guy that everybody used to say on that show? Neil deGrasse Tyson. What's. He's a big black dude. He's not a nerdy fucking, who's that nerdy guy that everybody used to say on that show? Neil deGrasse Tyson. What's the guy's name? Urkel.

He's not a fucking Urkel. Thanks for helping me out, Lenny. I had no idea where you're going with it, as always. He's not a Urkel. He's a big black dude. No one bullied him around.

He beat the system, luckily, with a lot of people helping. Also, it's not easy to make it as a black person in the regular. They go to shit schools. They can't get a job. My point is, once they get out, a lot of times these guys still fuck up.

Michael Vick, like, what the fuck is that? People go, oh. Keith defended Michael Vick. And so did Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi Goldberg said he shouldn't have gone to jail. I'm testing the racist quiz. He said he shouldn't have gone to jail. Michael Vick shouldn No, and that's so to Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi Goldberg said he shouldn't have gone to jail. I'm testing the racist quiz. He said he shouldn't have gone to jail. Michael Vick shouldn't have gone to jail because dog fighting is part of the African-American culture. But I said, so it's going to jail

so it worked out good this time. You see what I'm saying? Can you talk to him for a second? I think it would be really fun to go to a racist quiz. I think, to be honest with you, once you get that up, he'll pass. He's not wrong. Like Kevin... I just state the facts. When he's talking race, he's not wrong a lot of the time.

It's the tone. So people just hear, like Sarah will hear tone. But the tone is often a good indication. Well, if you're a liberal. Lenny agrees with me that women should get paid less. No, I didn't say that. Who said that? First of all, there's no.

Lenny, I was laughing. I said it once, Joe, and you go, that's a good point. No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That wasn't the point you made. Do you notice he takes things and runs with it? No, no, no.

I can't do the show if you're not looking at me. I can't do the show. Okay, all right. I'm sorry. My guess is that if you took a racism test, Noam would do no better than Kevin. But Noam is less welcome. Oh, my God. You and my wife lash out at me.

I'm not lashing out. You're trying to paint Kevin as a racist. Paint him as a racist? I can't even get a word in edgewise to paint him. I agree with Dan. There's nothing he's saying that I think you would disagree with. Honey, I know you're not a racist, but sometimes you say things, and I'm like, oh my God, did you just say that?

Do you realize you're not sensitive sometimes? A couple of episodes ago, you were calling me a racist without any justification whatsoever. What was my reason? You were just saying, oh, Dan, you were talking about editing, and you said to the editor, that kid, you're like, oh, can you edit out when Dan says something racist?

Or something like that. Maybe he was joking. Well, you're like, oh, can you edit out when Dan says something racist or something like that? Maybe he was joking. Well, he might have been joking, but it sounded serious. Well, he said he has a dry sense of humor. That's why he's so lovable. Let me make the argument that what Kevin is saying is racist. Let me just make the argument. Sure.

You're picking on an antisocial, what you attribute to be an antisocial aspect of the black community which is that they don't want their kids to do No, it's not that they don't want their kids There's peer pressure to do poorly in school From the other kids And why are you making this point? What is the reason

that you're making that point? What are you trying to prove? I wasn't making a point. I was in a conversation and I brought it up and then Keith goes, you're making that point. What are you trying to prove? I wasn't making a point. I was in a conversation and I brought it up and then Keith goes, you're out of line. So I talked to my friend. He goes, you're absolutely right. But they don't want to hear it from you. That's what Keith said. My friend is absolutely right.

They don't want to hear it from a white person. They don't want to hear it from me. So who do they want to hear it from? Black people don't address their own problems. When I hear somebody saying, you know, statistically a Jewish professor told me that there's a lot of Jews in the banks. There's a lot of them. And they really like to work in the banks.

I'm just saying statistics. I'm like, you know, it sounds a little anti-Semitic. No! It's not anti-Semitic! But he's not wrong. No, but he's not wrong. But that's the thing. He's not wrong. Why are you saying that? Is it relevant to some conversation? Or is it just bugging you?

No, if the guy who was saying it to you If the guy who was saying it to you It's extremely irrelevant to social policy If the guy who was saying it to you was married to a Jew Then you couldn't say anything That's not true If he said there's a lot of Jews on banking and he was not a Jew but he was married to a Jew You don't get a pass because you're married

My wife's anti-Semitic Here's a little secret for you Everyone's anti-Semitic, What? Here's a little secret for you. Everyone's anti-Semitic, okay? You don't get a pass. So it's a good secret. But I will say this. What he's saying is it couldn't be more relevant to pretty much everything,

you know, every policy decision that we make. Because we make policy decisions based on the fact that we assume everything is racist. Everything, we assume that when one community is failing, it's because of racism. And we base all our policies on that assumption. No, they base it on statistics. They base things on statistics.

They can't just go, oh, it's a feeling. It's like if the numbers are there, the numbers are there. There's no point even going into it. No, I'm interested I agree that you're not a racist The numbers are there Okay, blacks, Hispanics, minorities They don't do as well as white people

The numbers are there They've grown up in a poor community They don't have the resources that you guys do when you go to school No, it's not just that It's not the resources It is not the resources It's also the resources We fight about this all the time

These Korean families come over here. They go to the shittiest public schools in New York. Their parents don't even speak English. They go to Harvard. The kids go to Harvard. It's called work ethic. There are no shitty Asians in my school, all right? I'm going to tell you right now.

What there is. Forget the work ethic. The Asians are smart people. That's right. IQ tests clearly demonstrate. There's a drastically different. They clearly demonstrate. In our home, I see it.

I see the huge cultural difference between me and her mom. And I don't even mean it like. Forget about my mom. What about me and you? Is there a cultural difference? Absolutely there is. I know that there is. Answer carefully.

Well, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Oh, my God. What I'm saying is that the things that I'm focused on, I want the kids to be academic kind of already. And they're like, what are you doing? Why are you trying to make her read? Really? That's not true.

Come on. Oh, my God. That's so not true. I'm going to smack you right now. To some extent, it's true in the sense that you can see a slightly different priority on things. And you know what? Maybe they're not wrong, but I can't help it. This has nothing to do with race. This has nothing to do with race. It's culture. It's culture. No, this has something to do with you know what? Maybe they're not wrong, but I can't help it. This has nothing to do with race.

This has nothing to do with race. No, it's culture. It's culture. No, this has something to do with you. Okay? This has nothing to do with race. No, you see, that's where you're wrong. All the Jews at the table

will tell you you're wrong. My daughter is three. At the time when Mila was three, you were trying to get her to read. She's three. She should be reading. I don't even have a TV in my house because I don't want my kids

watching TV. I want them being fucking smart and et cetera. You know what? TV don't make you dumb. Yeah, but watching a lot because I don't want my kids watching TV. I want them being fucking smart and et cetera. You know what? Well, TV don't make you dumb. Yeah, but watching a lot of TV don't make you smart. Well, I'm not so sure. No one's ever going to prove watching TV is good for you.

Reading books. I agree with Kevin. I agree with Kevin. I don't want to hear my daughter going, that Louis C.K. is funny. I don't want to hear it. I hear it enough at the fucking comedy cellar table. That Louis C.K. is a great performer. Yeah, he's a real.

You see that performance? Daddy, why can't you perform like him? Oh, my God. TV is not good for you. Daddy, maybe you should dye your hair red. TV is not good for you. It's making us the dumbest,

laziest, fattest... I don't believe it makes us the dumbest at all. You know what the thing is? TV makes... TV is the worst because you sit there in a very defenseless position.

You're just sitting there. They're feeding you shit, and it's not good for you. Your body, you get fat. Do your kids watch TV? You never hear Matt Lauer say that. You never hear Matt Lauer when they're saying, like, you want's not good for you, your body. You get fat. Do your kids watch TV? You never hear Matt Lauer say that. You never hear Matt Lauer when they're saying, like, you want to lose weight? Turn off the TV.

They never fucking say that. TV is the biggest piece of shit they ever invented. It's especially bad when the kids. You know why it's especially bad? I know it's your show, but I'm only on once a year. It's especially bad because now they have cartoons all fucking day. When we grew up, there was cartoons on Saturday

and maybe a little bit in the afternoon. Then the rest of the time, they had to fucking figure out something to do. So now there's kids' TV all fucking day. It's a fucking nightmare. After 11, there was nothing on TV for kids. My daughter is binge-watching Powerpuff Girls. It's fucking poison. and it's poison.

Then they don't want to do their homework. She doesn't have homework. She's poor. My daughter's seven, so I say turn off TV, and then she's in a foul mood because then she don't want to do nothing except watch more TV because it's a fucking... It's like crack. I agree. I agree.

It is like crack. If your daughter turns out dumb, it ain't because of the TV. No, no, no. First of all, she's not dumb, but TV don't make anybody smart. And that's another thing. TV, you can tell all these poor people that sit around. They're like, oh, my God. They always have the TV on any fucking article you read.

These poor people, they can't get a job. They always have the TV on just sitting around watching the fucking TV. TV is not an impetus. It was the TV that made them that way. TV is not an impetus for anything. They watch it because they're dumb. He may have a point. TV is not an impetus for anything. He may have a point. TV is not an impetus for anything good.

No one's ever like, let's turn off the TV and go hiking. It's just TV leads to more TV watching. It's fucking bad. You don't know. You don't have kids. You've never even had a fucking date, so shut the fuck up. Whoa, why? Is he the last one now?

No, he's an authority. He's an authority. Take it easy. Take it easy. That was all what you just did. What'd I say? He can't disagree with you without you making... No, he has no experiences.

He watches TV. He's smart. No, but he doesn't have kids. No, but I'm saying he watched TV before and he turned out smart. He doesn't have kids. He knows nothing.

He's well-adjusted. TV's the fucking worst thing for your kids. It's ruining kids. It is. It is very bad. Because you can't get them to turn it off.

They have iPads. You hit the nail on the head. There was a natural limit to what they could watch because it was two, three channels. When the government ran things. My kids understand what on demand is. I'm like, it's not on. She goes, well, maybe it's on Amazon.

It's not. Well, maybe it's on iTunes. She said, like, she knows. Even when we were growing up at like four o'clock in the morning, they'd be like, and that's the end of our broadcasting day. And they play the national anthem. Basically. And all the drunk people be like, oh, shit. And the end of our broadcasting day, and they play the national anthem. That's right. And all the drunk people would be like, oh, shit, and the national anthem would wake them up, and they'd go to bed.

So at least they would give you three hours of no fucking TV. And now it's nonstop. Every channel, never turn it off. There's a flip side. No, TV doesn't make anybody smarter. No, there's a flip side. Except career. Listen, listen. Because he has some good TV bits about the National Geographic. For instance, my daughter said to me the other day, she goes, how do they make these napkins?

And I said, they make it from trees. And she could not process that. I said, well, let's look on YouTube and see. And sure enough, there's like a little four-minute video of how a tree ends up as a piece of paper. Yeah, well, that's fine. So that's huge. We would have never had that. Well, Sesame Street's huge like that.

There's educational television. It's not what it is now. Any question that she has, I can find a video that will explain it to her. That's YouTube. That's YouTube. But the thing is that, and Kevin, again, is not wrong. If people spend, instead of three hours

of watching Powerpuff Girls, they spend three hours reading or three hours something, there's got to be a tendency to be a smart human being. But they don't read. They won't read if they know the TV's there, just like anybody. People read if they enjoy reading. A lot of people love to read. Okay, but if they don't have a habit, if they get the habit of watching TV

as opposed to reading, which all kids will pick up. Kids don't pick up a reading habit. They pick up a TV watching habit because it's fucking easy. It's easy. It takes no effort. You think reading necessarily makes... There needs to be a balance.

There's no evidence to suggest that reading makes you smart, but rather that smart people like to read. But I don't have kids so I don't know shit. You're right.

I don't have dates. That's why you don't know shit. If there's a TV in the house they don't want to read, but there needs to be a balance. We set rules in our house. They're not allowed to watch TV during the week

Even if I read an article with serious statistics, that's like saying you're not black, so you should shut the fuck up about black people. But you seem to paddle on about black people with no fucking problem. I see it in my house. I see what they do. And I live in a community of them.

He lives in a community of them. I'm talking about my house. Sounds like a weirdest artist community of all time. There's a school right in my building. Hey, you guys! Do your kids read? Start reading! Yeah, they don't like all time. There's a school right in my building. Hey you guys! Do your kids read? Start reading! They don't like to read. It's a fight. It's because of the TV. Did you read a lot growing up?

Yeah, because we had to. We weren't allowed to watch TV. We were allowed to watch one hour after school and that was it. I'm just worried that my kids are going to have some kind of dyslexia or something like that. I'm worried about that. So that's why I just want them to read. I just want to know that they read. I just want to know that already. He's not saying it right. He's saying he always feels his kid's going to have

something because of the mother's Puerto Rican. He's not saying it, but that's what he's saying. I thought you were half Indian. I thought you were half Indian. That too, but he's like, you know, my wife's a minority. His kids are going to have something wrong with that. Are you on now? Yeah. Going up in two minutes. No, it's not that the mother's Puerto Rican. I just,

reading problems are common. It would be a nightmare. I don't want my kids to have a reading problem. Manny doesn't need to read for what his future is, which is banging waitresses and managing the comedy cell. The end. If that's true, he doesn't need to learn how to read. That's true.

That could happen after he graduates college. But he will have to understand life and people and experiences. Imagine like 20 years from now, Manny is running the comedy cellar. William Stevenson is MC. So he misspells fucking William Stevenson. We'll know what he means. The coffin oven's up. William comes out.

No, it's just the internet really made everything bad from raising kids. Kids don't want to do anything. But the upside is when your kid asks you a question, you say, fucking Google it. My daughter says that. Why don't you Google it, Daddy? Look it up. You used to have to know shit as a parent. Like, why is the sky blue?

You had to come up with an answer of some sort, even if it was bullshit. No, my parents would say, look it up. There was an encyclopedia in your house. Encyclopedia, that's right. We had an old encyclopedia that was so old. You had a World Book encyclopedia. You had a Britannica encyclopedia. We had an encyclopedia that was so old that Hitler was not in itcyclopedia you had a Britannica encyclopedia we had an encyclopedia

that was so old that Hitler was not in it that's how old our encyclopedia was oh my god my parents my parents just took it from my grandparents

nothing was accurate in that book but so our yeah it was an old we didn't have the brand new Britannicas we were like the rich kids we had the old one

I think no Hitler the Ottoman Empire I want to say this nobody says more nice things about Dan Aderman in the world there's no bigger

Dan Aderman fan than me every time I had a meeting with Taylor Hafford the director I said you gotta see my friend Dan Aderman he's the best I big up him

all the time he was booked out of town he couldn't meet Taylor and all he does is focus on the fact that I might say he's like

if I say one thing good about somebody else, he resents it. No, I don't think it's that. I'm on Adamant's side. Don't I love Dan? Yes, you do. I'm on Adamant's side on this one. Kevin is on my side of this debate insofar as you can find. Because I asked if you saw Siren Silverman's talent.

No, but you said it in the way you said. The way you said it. Her rare special gift. I get him. I get him. She doesn't. The way you said it. Her rare special gift. I get him. I get him. She doesn't have it. She doesn't have a rare special gift. I think she does.

I think she does too. I understand what Dan is saying. As Norm's wife, because like. The public does why? Based on what? She had a show for two years that got canceled.

No, she was influential to a lot of female comics coming up like Amy Schumer. She fucked a lot of comics and then she talked dirty. She comics, and then she talked dirty. She talked dirty, and then they talked dirty. I remember when Amy first started getting some notoriety, and there was that article in the Times, and they compared her to Sarah Silverman. Of course they're going to.

No, but she was so proud and happy because that was an idol of hers. They would just talk dirty, and people were like, oh, my God, a girl talking dirty. So now we can all talk dirty. Isn't that fantastic? That's all she did, talk dirty. So what's wrong with that? Nothing, but it's not a special gift. Don't talk to my wife like that.

It's not a special gift. I forgot she was your wife. It's not a special gift. Special gift is building a fucking bridge. That's a special gift. Have you built any bridges? No, I'm saying building a Verrazano bridge. When I look at that, I'm like, that's a fucking talent.

You know what Trump says? Make America great again. How about building the Verrazano Bridge. When I look at that, I'm like, that's a fucking talent. How about building, you know what Trump says, make America great again? How about building the Empire State Building in 18 months during a depression? He could do it. They did it. They built the Empire State Building. He could do it. Are the buildings not going up fast enough for you, Noam? Is that a problem in there?

The Freedom Tower is still not finished. The Freedom Tower is still not finished. No, it's finished. It's not full. It's not full. It's not finished. 14 years after 9-11, we don't have a tower yet. That's politics. That's politics. There was a lot of political shit involved in Freedom Tower. That is politics. That's right. It's not finished. 14 years after 9-11, we don't have a tower yet. That's politics.

That's politics. There was a lot of political shit involved in Freedom Tower. That is politics. That's right, but that's his point. And everything's inflated. There used to be a time where you had an idea, boom, on the drawing board, and a year later, two years later, it was reality. It turned into pressure when everybody needed a job.

We're trying to renovate our kitchen, just our little kitchen in a building that we own. Eight months later, we can't start on it yet. So that's why America's not great, because your kitchen doesn't, you don't have an island start on it yet. So that's why America's not great because your kitchen doesn't, you don't have an island in your kitchen yet. So that's what we need Trump for. No, that's not what we need Trump for. Who is it, de Blasio's phone?

But it is what he's referring to. There is something wrong with the fact that you, you know how many people are not working, how many jobs I can't create, how much money, because I have to,

I have to go through this hoop and that hoop and the final hoop was the old ladies on the community board, the Landmarks Commission, spent three months deciding whether or not our kitchen was okay with them. Unelected officials.

It's an internal kitchen. It doesn't even affect the look outside. Three months. These buildings are going up like mushrooms after a fucking rainstorm in this town. They're not going up like mushrooms. Are you kidding me? Have you been to fucking Brooklyn lately? However they're going up,

it's at a snail's pace compared to how they would have gone up in the same atmosphere in the 20s. I agree. And we know this. So that's a problem? The buildings aren't going up fast enough? Bill Gates, if he wanted to start Microsoft today in his garage, it would be illegal.

Facebook started 10 years ago in a dorm room. That was probably illegal. Alright? We got fucking a skenerson out of space telling us where the fuck Facebook started 10 years ago in a dorm room. That was probably illegal. All right? We got fucking Skennerson out of space telling us where the fuck we are for five meters. And Apple won't go into the terrorist's phone because protecting what? Privacy? They have all their information, so what's the fucking privacy they're worried about? I don't know.

That's an interesting issue because they have a right to, government has a right to get in there. Of course. I heard on the radio, but they're actually command, government has a right to get in there. Of course. I heard it on the radio but they're actually commanding Apple to develop software to get in there. No,

they say get in there in an afternoon. On the other hand, if a door was locked they could command you to get a key made, right? No,

it's ridiculous because the government between Apple and Facebook and Twitter, they have all our information anyway so everyone acts

like the privacy, there is no fucking privacy with the internet. Whatever it is. I'm going to get my social out right now. Whatever it is, and there are risks with privacy. It's amazing that people might think we don't want to know

what was on the terrorist's phone. We have to know what was on the terrorist's phone. We have to know that. Maybe Apple's just saying the thing they need to say so they don't have to be sued. No, they don't want to do it. No, no, they don't want to do it, but I think that... They're trying to say the right thing. Trump would get it himself if he had to.

He'd go out there himself, like Superman. I think we're having a nice... With his hair flaying. It got better when Lenny left. I think we're having a nice debate about this whole idea of make America great again. But no one seems to feel that America's not as great as it used to be. I think that it's a multi... Because the buildings aren't going up fast enough and he doesn't have an island in his kitchen.

Do you feel America's great? I don't see how it was greater in the 50s. The 50s sucked ass. The chicks were unfuckable with those awful bathing suits. Go ahead. Go ahead. You're on a roll. Go ahead. And then the poodle skirts and those stupid cars. Jay Lytle got laid a lot. He loved those cars. I definitely think things could be better.

I don't know if Trump could do it. Things are pretty good. I think America's pretty good. That's why we don't need any more you-know-what. And the reason we don't have bridges being built anymore is because we've already built the bridges. Hold up. When I was a kid, the West Side Highway was a two-level highway. And nobody wanted

to tear down that highway. Nobody said, oh, this is too good. Traffic is moving too quick. Let's get rid of the second level. It fell down. And because of environmental... They never could rebuild it. There was plan after plan after plan on drawing more. And New York now does not

have a major highway on the west side because the highway that they had in the 40s and 50s and 60s, that was at the time was a world-class highway, fell from lack of maintenance, and it can't get rebuilt. That's a step backwards. No, I didn't know that. That's why I love this dude. But we are rebuilding the second avenue subway.

You don't get that from reading. It's a different time. Yes, there were things in the 50s and 60s we were ashamed of, the way civil rights is special. You got the civil rights. But nobody's talking about repealing civil rights except Kevin. You got the civil rights. Those chicks were fat back then.

No, they're fatter now, Dan. They're fatter now. Because they watch too much TV. We didn't have belly rings back then. My father could start a coffee shop from money he made, basically, from driving a taxi. You can't do that anymore. You really can't do that?

You really can't do that? Chris Mazzilli started a comedy club. He was fucking mopping the floor at New York Comedy Club, and he started his own comedy club, and it became a big success. But when I first started to now, it's night and day.

You can't do anything anymore. It's a softening of America. And that goes back to Neil. There's a lot of problems. It goes back to Neil. Well, there's certainly problems, but this And that goes back to Neil. There's a lot of problems. It goes back to Neil. Well, there's certainly problems, but this notion that America used to be great and is no longer great, I don't buy into.

I don't think it's as great. It's always evolving, America. Sometimes you like it, sometimes you don't. That's the way it is. All right, I got to go. I got to go, too.