The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Lenny Marcus & Kitty Crystal

Episode Date: January 5, 2017

- Lenny Marcus is a standup comedian and a regular performer at the Comedy Cellar. He has previously appeared on The Late Show w/ David Letterman and at the Aspen Comedy Festival. - Kitty Crystal is a NYC-based actress, model, and the Creator/Host of the Funny or Die series, "The Drunken Yoga Show." 

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. Kristen Gonzalez is away today, but of course Dan Natterman is here. We have our booker, Stephen Calabria, sitting in. We have some guests anyway, and of course... We may throw him out soon, but he course Dan Natterman is here. We have our booker Stephen Calabria sitting in. We have some guests anyway. We may throw him out soon, but he's sitting in for now. I'm here with Dan Natterman. So what's up, Dan? How was your week? What's going on? Is it New Year's? First of all,

I have a bad right shoulder. But I guess that's just my cross to bear, and I'll have to silently deal with it. Oh, I rode the new subway at Nome. There rode the new subway, Noam. I think I sent you something. There's a new subway in New York, the Second Avenue subway.

Is it being positively reviewed? Well, I guess so. It's very beautiful. It's actually quite impressive. I don't know if it's just because it's new or because it's, for whatever reason, I found myself very impressed by it. It's very deep, Noam. It goes very, very deep.

Why does it go so deep? I think it goes so deep because they couldn't disrupt shit on the surface, so they had to just tunnel real deep. There's all kinds of infrastructure that is, they have to go below everything that's been done. They have to go below everything, and also they don't disrupt, they can't just blast shit at street level and ruin the neighborhood. It's kind of like the opposite of an archaeological dig

where the oldest stuff is at the bottom. Now we're in an age where the newest stuff goes deepest. That's interesting. Well, we'll leave that to future archaeologists to figure out. It is interesting, actually, right? Someday they're going to find that the newest... But I must say, apropos of what you were saying about, you know, you make a big deal.

Noam's kind of the infrastructure guy here at the Comedy Cellar podcast. Loves infrastructure. Goes on and on about how we need new airports and so forth. But I must say, and how Americans feel good when we do great things, I must say I felt good going down to that subway. I will say that. Wow. It was lots of fun.

I never see an Aderman compliment coming. Never. Well, that wasn't really a compliment. Yes, it is. Well, in a way, it is. I mean, it that. Wow. It was lots of fun. I didn't see, I never see a Natterman compliment coming. Well, that wasn't really a compliment. Yes, it is. Well, in a way it is. I mean, it's an agreement. If you say I agree with you as a compliment, it's an agreement insofar as there is some benefit. Other than just whatever public transportation needs are being met by this new subway, there is a certain enthusiasm that one gets from a new public project like that.

I don't know how long it'll last. And you also can't put a price on quality of life. You know, they do this economic assessment of the project. Hey, Lenny. And it's true that I sent you that article that we spend like five times more per mile for these things than other countries do. But in the end, there are a lot of people going to use the subway now, and it makes their day-to-day life much, much easier, much more civilized, dare I say.

And then how do you put a price on that? Like, it's huge. I mean, $200 million is a pretty high price. I don't know that. I don't know what it is. Well, you can put a price on it in terms of, you know, there are alternatives. One could take cabs and vias and so on, but people don't have the money for that. Anyway, so I just want to mention before we do that, Ariel Delgado wrote us a very, very nice email,

and they want to come on the show, and I think we can work that out. But it says here, your podcast— You'll see a bridge version because it's a long email. Yeah, yeah. Has completely changed my view around on comedy, and I have this newfound love and affinity for it I never had. And I think that's really due to you, Dan Aderman. I think you've made a difference in this man's life. If you're willing to give the credit, are you just giving me credit because I agree with you

on infrastructure and you're playing tit for tat? I'm stunned that you agree with me on this infrastructure. Well, I agree with you insofar as I don't know that we need new airports or whatever, but I will say that I agree with you insofar as there is a certain pride that comes with a project, a public project

that I felt anyway. And a lot of people were down there taking pictures. There was definitely a lot of enthusiasm down in that subway. When was the last time we had anything? When I was a kid, we had new things like that all the time. I remember when they were building the World Trade Center. You know, we haven't had anything new in forever. I love this.

Why? I love the infrastructure stuff. You do, right? Oh, my God. That's Lenny Marcus, by the way. Hi, everybody. I love this stuff. I'm love the infrastructure stuff. You do, right? Oh, my God. That's Lenny Marcus, by the way. Hi, everybody. I love this stuff. I'm going to take it after here.

I've got to go from here to the comic strip later, and I am psyched to take that. I want to see how fast it can be done because it's so hard to get from here to there. It's a good 45 minutes, so I can't wait to see how fast this will take. Well, you're going to take the F to the— Oh, I can take the F, but I'll take the 1. I'll walk over to the 1 quickly and take that to 42nd and go straight and switch CNR and Q and... Now, imagine projects which are desired like this throughout the nation, all of a sudden getting moving, getting started.

And in the next 10 years, all throughout the country, people having the same experience. The analogy of a 2nd Avenue subway. But in Detroit, Baltimore, wherever they are, that's a huge thing for a nation. That gets us back on a path of feeling confident in ourselves. I'm all for it. I'm all for this, too. I'm all for it, too. Like, they're doing LaGuardia.

I hated the fact. I just flew into LaGuardia. You were there. Did you fly in? No, you went to Denver. Okay, I was doing a gig with Dan. Well, I came back to LaGuardia. Did you fly in? No, you went to Denver. Okay, I was doing a gig with Dan. Well, I came back to LaGuardia. How bad was it?

Look, everybody makes a big to-do about LaGuardia. As far as I'm concerned, LGA is A-okay. That's my motto. I mean, it's not that nice, but it's close to Manhattan. It took us an hour to get out of just the airport area because they're doing all this construction. But hopefully, by the time it's done, it'll make everything more efficient

and we have more of an airport. Can we invite Kitty on? We have Kitty Crystal. Dan's had enough of you. Not that I've had enough, but I don't know Kitty's over there. And certainly she's covered in tattoos. You look at her, you don't think immediately what her opinions are on infrastructure. That's not your

first impression. She looks like a suicide girl. What does that mean? Because she's covered in tattoos. Suicide girl? No. What does suicide girl mean? It's a bunch of girls that get totally naked and show their vagina all over the internet

and they have tattoos. Yes, that is what suicide is. Covered in tattoos. It comes from the fact that because they're covered in tattoos and exposing themselves, they are committing social suicide. Which I think is ridiculous.

I don't think I'm, like, performing any suicide because I have tattoos. Well, in the eyes of your daughter who came home like that. I've worked in corporate America off and on for a very long time, and I'm doing quite well, so. I don't know. Did they mind at all? No. I mean, I have enough tattoos that are to a point where I can cover them with a suit and I'm fine, but I can still show them if I want to.

Listen, there are no standards anymore. I mean, tattoos, maybe it's fine, but we were just talking about it. Maybe it's been said a million times. It wasn't that long ago when Dan Quayle misspelled potato. It was an alternate spell. He never recovered from the E at the end of potato. Oh, it's anarchy now. Anything goes.

Trump is just the dumbest of misspellings ever. Unpresident is the funniest thing I've ever seen. And nobody's even blah, blah, blah. They don't care. The people don't care. Nah. You're going to get upset about tattoos? Now it's done.

Tattoos. I mean, everybody has tattoos. It's more uncommon to have no tattoos than to have tattoos. Everybody has a tattoo. How many people at the table have tattoos? None, I think, besides you. Damn it. I know Noam doesn't.

I know Lenny doesn't. I know I don't. The only wild card here is Calabria. Nope. Mother, can I admit something about these Trump misspellings? Sure. By the way, I think he's a total... You find them charming?

No, no. No, no. He's a total buffoon. I shudder. I shudder when I see those things. However, I do want to say this, and I bet you I'm not the only one. I am a closet bad speller. I know.

I've been trying to keep this problem a secret for my whole life and I feel like to see the President of the United States publicly show that he has the same problem that I have, I think it actually makes people who felt they were dumb their whole lives because they were like, oh my god, you know I'm not the only one who has this problem

he's kind of made it okay it's the exact argument of the election. The dummies are going, he's just like us, and the people could actually spell like normal humans are going, what an elitist group of idiots. I can't spell. I went to public school,

so I can't spell whatsoever. I just realized there's an extra C in Connecticut. What the fuck? Where did these words come from? I'm going to jump out a window. Dan, am I nuts? Come on. You've got to learn how to spell. I knew unprecedented.

I wouldn't have spelled that wrong. But one day, I can remember four or five years, two words that I remember. I couldn't spell Michigan. I was like, what the fuck? I didn't know for whatever reason, I thought ulterior motive was with an A, like alternate. And I felt so stupid, stupid, stupid.

But of course, I didn't send it. And I will say this for myself. When I spell it wrong, I can look at it and say, no, that's not right. I do recognize that it doesn't look right. Well, there's a red line under it usually when I can look at it and say, no, that's not right. I do recognize that it doesn't look right. Well, there's a red line under it usually when you're typing. No, no, no. But I am a bad speller.

My father was a bad speller. These things are genetic, I'm sure. It's a particular talent or whatever it is, like anything. But nothing to be ashamed of anymore. That's written off, too. Are they going to take points off on your exam when the president is tweeting?

It's because of technology, though. Everybody texts. Like, I tried to handwrite a Christmas card. And halfway through it, I was like, what the hell? How do I spell these words? And I brought out my phone and started, like, texting. And I realized that I could spell it with my thumbs. Oh, really?

But not with my full hand. I don't know what was happening. But I could not get it to work. And I don't know what it is, but writing out the letters. Like I only think of like the first few letters. And then it pops up and I'm like, ah, that looks right. We've come to the end. We've come to the end of the world.

I know when I get to like, you know, when people get to like 80. My dad, before he died, you could just tell that there were some things that it was over for him. You know, like he can't go back. Like society moved on in a way that he wasn't comfortable with. And this is going to be one of them. If spelling just goes out the window, like there's grammars now going out the window. What's the what's the phrase that everybody, you know, like literally or figuratively? Like some girls will just say, I literally ate an entire building.

You know? And they were going to change this in the dictionary to like literally yes. Remember this? They were changing this in the dictionary to mean both because people misused it so much. So this is like to the point where I get to 80. I'm out. Factoid is one of those, too. Words do change meanings over time.

In English. In every language. Languages evolve. I mean, I don't know if you've looked at old English recently, but it's a completely other language. It certainly evolves above 110th Street, but go ahead. Oh, Jesus. That's fine now.

That's fine now. Anything goes. Yeah, you can say anything. You can say whatever you want. For the next four years, he's in. You That's fine now. That's fine now. Anything goes. Yeah, you can say anything. You can say anything you want. For the next four years, he's in. You can be racist now. Everything goes. I'm not racist.

I'm just saying anything goes. Whatever you got. Oh, you know what? That's politically. No, anything goes. But if Steve Martin says something about a girl, like she's pretty but also smart, kill him. Kill him dead.

Oh, Jesus. Kitty. I just want to introduce Kitty because she may be unfamiliar with. And to our listeners, no, Lenny, of course. He's a regular comic here at the Comedy Cellar. Kitty is a comic, too, I guess. Kind of. Not really.

I'm like the unfunny white girl with a big ass that sometimes say inappropriate shit that people find amusing. So you're famous. So I'm famous for nothing at all. Like the Kardashian. Oh, God. She does something called drunk yoga on TruTV. Oh, God. She does something called Drunk Yoga on TruTV. Oh. Yeah.

It's on Funny or Die, and we've been in talks with Adult Swim, but it's been a rough road. I don't know if you guys have read any of the statistics for Adult Swim. They have zero female series contributions. Like, they don't hire any females for that. They're like, oh, God. I'm really horrified. Go ahead.

Shocking, shocking. So we've been going around and finding other places, but actually Karen Margolis, Kurt Metzger's girlfriend, is one of my writers, or she has written for me in the past. But I love her. I love her. I love her, too. What's happening?

Oh, jeez. Don't you know. I do love her but Katie by the way they have no female thing so the unfunny

white girl with a fat ass and Karen Margolis are going to put a stop to this we're going to walk it's just us two fuck it

we're doing it we're taking everyone on everybody's got a show about us Dan that's really the bottom line that's really the bottom line actually everybody

to be clear everybody adores Karen Margolis adores one of my favorite people but ask Dan. That's really the bottom line. That's really the bottom line. Actually, everybody, to be clear, everybody adores Karen Margolis here. Adores. One of my favorite people. There's just so much backstory with her. It's just,

you know, good. Kitty, by the way, said to me before the show, I didn't want to talk about this, that she loved our last week's episode.

You know we like feedback and we don't get enough of it. Someone said drunk yoga. I kind of like to know what that is. Yeah, me too. We'll get to drunk yoga.

You hold your horses, young lady. Go ahead. He's complimenting himself. I just want to make clear that Kitty loved our episode with Janine Garofalo. I loved every single second of it. Why? I just love her. I love the interaction with you guys.

I thought you bounced around a lot with a lot of different subjects, but it was all something that she could speak to and that you guys had play back and forth. It was great. The previous episode, a little harsh. What was the previous episode? That's our best episode ever.

I fucking hated that article, though. That article was ridiculous. So I'm so glad you guys actually had him on. If the article was ridiculous, then shouldn't it have been a little harsh? And I'm not against that. I don't know. I'm just such a softie. I'm like, oh, I'll be nice to everybody. I bet you don't watch Fox News either. I do not. I also didn't vote for

Trump. Shocking. Yeah. And here we go. Anyway, so what's drunk yoga? So I'm an actress and I was not getting any roles because I have tattoos. And if you guys are not aware, The Hangover 2 screwed us.

Super, super bad. Why? Super bad. Because the tattoo artist that did the tattoo on Mike Tyson's face, they did that on Ed whatever the hell his name is. Ed Helms? Yes. So they sued for a shit ton of money.

Who did? The tattoo artist and Mike Tyson, which is weird because he's in the fucking movie. Did you not notice you were in the movie? Did they win? Well, they settled out of court for... Sued for what? I didn't see... For copyright infringement.

They never got a release from the tattoo artist to do the exact same tattoo. Once you tattoo somebody, that's immediately copyrighted? He claimed it was his own artwork that he just put on Mike Tyson. It's a tough call because on the one hand, it is. A piece of artwork is a piece of artwork.

On the other hand, there are certain fair uses. Like if you want to use something to make a parody of it, you're allowed to under copyright law. So it's not clear that they couldn't. They were making fun of Mike Tyson by putting that tattoo on him. So maybe it would be okay. But I guess they settled they didn't want to take the chair. So now you can't be in a movie because every tattoo artist will sue? They thought that.

So for anything, anything I worked on, and if you look at any movies or any TV shows, Netflix, any of that, it's all fake tattoos that are obviously from the 50 Cent machine for the last few years. So it's slowly coming back. Wait a minute, if it's your tattoo... On your own body. On your own body. That's another good point. You have to get a release On your own body. On your own body. Yeah.

That's another good point. You have to get a release from the tattoo artist. Yes, you do. And so a lot of shows. Is that true? Yes. No, look that up on there. No, I think that these have never been tested.

What you're saying seems to be right. She paid for it. It's hers. She can do what she wants with it. But from the point of view of the studio, we don't want any mess. We're not taking any chances. We can get a broad without a tattoo. Exactly.

Or we can put a fake one on some other broad. Can't they just give you sleeves? Yeah. We can get a lot. Fake sleeves. We can get a lot. We can get a funny girl with a reasonable size ass without tattoos. Right?

Fuck. God, that girl probably works less than me anyway. Don't they put makeup all over? Yeah, they do that. It started to change in the last couple of years, which is nice. In the meantime, when I was not getting work, I did a ton of reality shows, which is awful. Never do reality. And I was like, this is awful.

I don't want to do this. So I made up my own show because I'm slight of an alcoholic and I like to try to work out, but I'm not good at it. So I was like, what can we do that's funny? And I can get hot girls half dressed and people would want to watch it. That's genius. I agree. Thank you. So it's just drunk people doing yoga. It's the Drunken Yoga Show. Right now it's on Funny or Die. I've had a lot of different styles of yoga. There's like 360 different types of yoga. We did metal yoga. We did burlesque yoga.

I've had contortionists on. Do people just keep falling down? A lot of falling down, a lot of spilling drinks, you know, and girls get real drunk and then they just get wild and it's hilarious and fun. What does yoga do? It's not for strength. Actually, yeah. Stretching, stretching, and it's like Pilates. Is it more spiritual or is it for some physical benefit? Not for me, not for me. It's all... Well, but why do most people do yoga? Me, it's just for learning. Stretching, stretching, and it's like Pilates. Is it more spiritual or is it for some physical benefit? Not for me. Well, but why do most people do yoga?

Me, it's just for the money. Stretching, stretching, stretching. I don't know. That's your question about drinking. It works. I have never, I have never, ever, just for the record, I have never had sex with a woman who was not consensual, okay? I'm asking this question.

Where is this story going? But I have had sex with some women who I believe would have consented to anybody who was so drunk. I think I've been there. Should there be a rule beyond which... There is a rule. No, beyond which you cannot have sex with a woman because her consent is meaningless. Well, there is a rule.

I'm pretty sure that's a thing. There is a rule? How do you know she's drunk? You've got to blow in the thing. If she is not... If she's not in her right mind, I mean, you know, there's no hard and fast percentage of drug alcohol level. But if a woman is not reasonably able to give consent. Well, how do you know that at the time? Well, that's what I'm saying. Maybe we need more alcohol.

Where are you supposed to have a chastity belt with like a breathalyzer test in the garage? And also, I can't really see a lot of women actually advocating for that because that sounds really paternalistic. I don't know. I've been really drunk and woken up next to a fair group of men. A group of men? Well, over time. If you put them all together.

But the point is, do you I mean maybe do you want somebody do you want a man telling you that you cannot do that I think the next day I would probably be like oh my god

I wish I'd listened to no I just love I just love Calabria's like feminist like well no I'm just trying to argue against you

yeah but I'm saying but I'm just you know like it's not crazy is it to say listen we should have a blood alcohol level. I mean, technology is becoming such that, and maybe very well, that you can have a breathalyzer on your phone. Let's say everybody was carrying around a breathalyzer in their pocket in the same numbers as a cell phone.

Let's say cell phones became also good at breathalyzing. Would it be unreasonable to say, look, at this point, you're going to have to make, if this is a new date, you have to breathalyzer and if she has above a certain blood alcohol level, you shall not have sex with her because we can't, that's diminished capacity. Well, isn't this the whole, like, Brock Turner defense is that he raped that girl behind a dumpster because she was unconscious

but she asked for it and then she orgasmed so it was okay. Was she orgasmed? That's what he claimed. Nobody orgasms in rape. That's what he claimed and that'sms in rape. That's what he claimed and that's why it wasn't rape. That was his defense. No, it was rape and he went to jail

albeit for a short period of time. Very, very short. I think they'll have to go into the breath lives of the thing in your phone and then if they're over please sign this document as well.

But then their signature will just be squiggles. I don't believe she orgasmed. You gotta have a notary. I mean, blood alcohol level affects different people in different ways. So somebody who's 5'2 and 100 pounds is going to have a different... Oh, you know nothing. Well, I'm asking.

No, that's what blood alcohol level is, takes into account all those factors, I believe. Yes. That's true. Now, with that being said, some people might react differently to alcohol than others. Especially if there's drug interactions. You might have a low drug-alcohol level, but you just took a Xanax. And what does that do?

Well, that could put you out. A dear friend of ours collapsed on stage due to that very combination. I won't mention his name, although I don't think it's a secret. A dear friend of mine? A friend of ours, a comic. He was on stage and he collapsed because he took that combination of drugs, Xanax, and alcohol.

Oh, yeah. I don't think he's been making a secret about that. Who's that? I didn't mean say it. He did? Write it on the table. Well, my guess is... Well, you text him out. We can take it out. We can edit it out He did? Write it on the table. Well, my guess is... Well, you text him out.

We can take it out. We can edit that if he wants us to. But make sure he tells him Calabria opened his mouth. But go ahead. So, you know, drug alcohol, I mean, blood alcohol level might not be an exact way to measure capacity for consent, but I guess it's a reasonable ballpark since, you know, there's no more exact way. Although I

don't see laws on the books anytime soon. Look, I have a daughter who's growing up. Well, tell her not to get drunk. Yeah, I'm going to tell her not to get drunk, but that's probably not going to work. And I don't want some guy banging my daughter when she's too drunk. Unfortunately, that's going to happen at some point. But maybe it should be illegal.

It doesn't mean it won't happen. It some point. But maybe it should be illegal. It doesn't mean it won't happen. It should be legal? Maybe it should be illegal. Maybe they should have a... This is Norm the father because this is not the Norm that I know saying this. The Norm that I say, you know, this is not consistent with past views I've heard you express. Or maybe she should have to put her answer in an envelope that she puts in her pocket prior to the date

so that, like what her intentions are for the date, so that when it's time, drunk or not, he can open the envelope and say, yes, it's okay. But she gave her consent while she was sober, like Karnak, you know? So then it's okay. Like some mechanism, like she should still be able to go out and get drunk. Do you really believe this?

No. I'm just thinking out loud. Yeah, I am. I do think it's okay. Like some mechanism, like she should still be able to go out and get drunk. Do you really believe this? No. I'm just thinking out loud. Yeah, I am. I do think it's, I'm being flippant about the, spinning out the scenarios, but I think it is a real issue. I don't think it's rape, but I think a lot of women,

I think there comes a time with technology, like this is not exactly the same thing, but I remember years ago when I was booking musicians for weddings, I told Rosalind, who was one of the companies, I don't want to hire any more musicians who don't have cell phones. This is like in the late 90s because you can't find them. You know, if they're late to the gig, they can't get there.

She says, you can't do that. You can't make people have a cell phone. I'm like, yes. I think we've come to the point where the technology is such that we can demand that people have cell phones. This has just become part of our lives now. Right. And at the point where breathalyzers could become part of our lives, is it wrong to say that we should start incorporating that into decisions that are made?

Well, maybe. But I do agree with you that there comes a point where you just have no patience for people that don't have certain technologies. For example, if somebody asks you for directions, you know what? That's the worst. There's a Verizon store on the corner. We don't need to be friends. You've got to ask for directions.

Why do people text you, but it's like an iMessage. They're like, how do I get there? On the actual Google Maps phone that you just sent me. It kills me. It makes me... Another thing, you know, people that don't like to text, you know, I don't need those people in my life.

If you don't want to communicate via text. Because you don't like to talk. Well, nobody likes to talk, given the fact that everybody's texting. But texting is very good for certain things. It's Dan's joke come to life. This is how, right? Well, no, it's just, if you want to give somebody directions, you text them directions. You text them an address, rather.

It makes no sense to call me up and say, what's the address? Right, but then the opposite is true, too. Well, the other extreme, people who rely solely on text to have really big conversations. That's more and more everybody. How many people are even having, I have very few phone conversations anymore. It's mostly text. There's one group of people who don't do that. Mafia people are even having... I have very few phone conversations anymore. It's mostly text. There's one group of people who don't do that. Mafia.

Other than that, I think... Dan Aderman. Godfather. No, I mean, I actually don't put... I don't like to leave anything in writing anymore. I like... That's what it is. If Robert Kelly texts me something about...

Did you just... No. You talk on the phone. No. I'll come over to your no. Talk on the phone. No. I'll come over to your house. We are not talking about this. Because you can record your phone conversations, too. And then you're out in the middle of a field.

It's ridiculous. There are a few people that I still have phone conversations with. Paulie hated phones. Yeah. My mom. My mom and I have a couple friends that I do enjoy a phone conversation with. But most people, it's just all text. People seem to correct theirs when they send you text messages,

they're correcting their spelling more than I feel is necessary. When somebody sent me a text, hey, see you Saturday. And then he sent me another text right after it, Saturday. Like I was sitting at home saying, what do you mean by see you Saturday? I'll have to ask him when I see him on Saturday. What he meant by that. Actually, text messaging has helped me a great deal because before text messaging,

some of you are too young to remember this, before text messaging, you had to call a girl out. You want to ask her out? You had to call her on the phone and talk to her in actual conversation. And that's much more difficult. And I'd be stuttering and stammering, trying to ask her out for coffee, you know, sound like an idiot.

But like text messaging, I'm a lot smoother. I'm like, yo, baby girl, how you doing with your phone? Why don't you shake your ass on Ovo this way? Tear that shit up. Don't you find that people below a certain age, like 24, 25 and younger, rely solely on text and they don't like to have phone conversations at all? The worst, though, is that they not just text. They want to DM you on every social media platform that I don't have any of the alerts on.

So it's like, hey, the time has changed. You have to be here an hour earlier. But you sent it to me on Instagram direct message that I don't check. Why did you do that? I just thought of an ingenious startup, which is a service which will forward your

communication to all your possible... That has to exist. I'm sure. That has to exist. And if it doesn't, it's all you. This is your one go-to messaging thing, and it sends you a text, Facebook, and you can put all the accounts you want in it, and then you can choose to answer it however you'd like.

It's a fucking great idea. It is a good idea, but it's probably been done. But maybe not. It doesn't seem to be something none of us know about. You're so optimistic. I get a message on Airbnb, and it goes to my email. It sends me a text message. It sends me an Airbnb message.

The technology is out there. We need a service that you sign up for. And then that becomes kind of the ubiquitous. Everybody learns that this is the only place you go. And then you can receive it however you'd like to receive it. Right. I think that if you send somebody a message on one of these things and they don't get it and it's for something kind of critical that they want and you don't get back to them, that's their tough luck that they actually couldn't dial the number and ask you for the thing that they really wanted.

I agree. You know what I mean? Yeah, but sometimes it might be changing over time and then you wind up showing up. I didn't get the fucking text. Right. Like if you need me to do, if you want something critical like that, call the number. Just go, hey, be here at 7. How hard is this i i agree robert kelly's very much sorry if you text him you know if he wants

he would rather talk on the phone so how do you do it's an age thing too though it's a little bit under a certain age i don't mind texting because what what texting was good for is that you don't have to have these long conversations and i always hated the conversations with girls that were just like so what are you doing and then it was like you don't know when have these long conversations. And I always hated the conversations with girls that were just like, so what are you doing? And then it was like, you don't know when to get, it was just this long. Now it texts like,

okay, got to go. It's all information. Very succinct. I like that. Do you know that when I was having trouble with the, um, the Korean,

uh, contractors who were building the kitchen, the new kitchen, at some point, the relationship became so bad kitchen. At some point, the relationship became so bad that the guy with Liz, the guy refused to communicate anymore. In English?

No, at all. The kitchen was not finished. We were shut down. We were losing money. And he would not return any phone calls. Oh, my God. I don't know what the fuck to do. So what would you do in that situation?

Bad date. I mean, deported? This is what I did. Is that an option? I downloaded an app for $2.99, which allows you to spoof the caller ID of anybody that you want. And I had the phone number of his Korean foreman. Okay. And I called the owner of the company, and he thought he was getting a call from his Korean...

What do you mean, spoof? You mean it shows up. It looks like somebody else is calling you. So he answered the phone. I don't know how they do this or why this is possible, but you can make it look like anybody's calling. And he answered, and I'm like... It's numb. And I said, this is numb.

He goes, hold on, hold on. And he couldn't process it. And finally I got him and he couldn't hang up. And that's how I got him to finish the kitchen. Really? Yeah. That's how I got him to finish the kitchen. It was one of the smartest fucking things I ever did in my life.

I think that's how the mayor got the subway finished. But it's an option out there. For any of you, like, if you can't get somebody to, because. It is sort of underhanded. Noam has something when you text him. It's legal. Where it'll just send you an automatic text back saying, I'm in the car or I'm sleeping. Yeah, everybody has that.

So have that option. Well, I don't have that, but I find it annoying because here's another option. Just, I don't need to get your text back that you're sleeping. Just don't, if I don't receive a text back, I know you're busy. No. I hear why, I understand why it's practical. No, I'm an owner of a company. People text, my employees text back, I know you're busy. No. I understand why it's practical. I'm an owner of a company. My employees text me, the place is on fire.

I'm driving. I can't check the text. It doesn't just say I'm driving. It says I'm driving. Please call me if it's important. Same thing if I'm sleeping. It doesn't say I'm sleeping. Please call Liz if it's important.

I get those back all the time. I have a feeling it's permanently on I'm sleeping. You're either sleeping or driving most of the time. No. I have another one which says I'm off the time. I have a feeling it's permanently on I'm sleeping. You're either sleeping or driving most of the time. No, I have another one which says I'm off the grid. Which means I'm doing something I can't tell you what I'm doing. I just like I'm off the grid. Just stick with I'm off the grid, maybe.

By the way, Noam, we were talking earlier about girls getting drunk with breathalyzers. On a slightly related note, I'm trying to make a transition as smoothly as I can. It's not easy. What's with the holiday party this year? I know you're planning to do an afternoon year holiday party, which I don't...

Let me tell you something. Isn't it afternoon? For years, for years, at our staff holiday parties, there would be the hookups of the century. I'm talking about people would get drunk and bang each other. People you would never believe. Never believe. It's like never believe. Never believe. It's like Christmas parties at the office.

It is the best. The best. I never heard this before, yeah. Oh, my God. If I told you who I once had sex with at a holiday party, I could never retain. Robert Kelly. I believe that one.

So it's a pretty good transition, actually, Dan. Liz says we're having a holiday party, like the 14th of January or something. I don't know. Now, I fundamentally disagree conceptually with holiday parties in January. Why? I prefer them at holiday time. Oh, January. There's a general.

I prefer them at holiday time. It's so busy, though. Because holiday time, everybody's in such a holiday mood. There's no substitute for the holiday mood. I agree with you. And we could have done it the week before, but it was just too much

on Liz already, and I didn't want to put more on her. That being said, if it's a party versus... No party. No party, I'll take a party.

Anywhere Dan Adaman is is a party at any point, don't you think? Anywhere I am is a party? Yeah, any time of year. That's been said, certainly.

I think it's an exaggeration. You don't drink, Dan. The open bar doesn't appeal to you. I have a two-drink maximum. I do drink. I have a two-drink maximum. Do you remember Dan on his birthday? Was he drunk? Very. No, he was not very drunk. Because I don't get very drunk. I have a two-drink maximum.

At the Fat Black. Ashley was giving me these cucumber drinks. I didn't have the heart to not drink it, so I did what they do at fat parties. I threw it into

the sink. I couldn't even get Dan drunk at a strip club. I was trying to get him drunk at a strip club and I was buying

and I was trying to lower his inhibition so he could get a lap dance or something. No, nothing. Well, no, I have a two drink maximum

because I get nauseous after two drinks and I hate nausea. You've got to work through Nothing. I, I, well, no, I have a two drink maximum because I get nauseous after two drinks and I, I, I hate nausea. I hate throwing up. You gotta work through that.

You guys gotta, you gotta go. I'm not interested in nausea. I'm not interested in throwing up. So. You won't throw up. Huh? You won't throw,

I used to get nauseous too and now I don't. I, I don't like nausea. No, I don't. Even if I don't throw up, I don't like nausea.

Who likes nausea? Some people don't seem to mind because they're doing it all the time. But they don't get nauseous. I don't get nauseous when I drink anymore. I used to when I was a child. And I don't like hangover and I don't like headache and I don't like any of

that shit. But I can get a decent buzz going with one or two. What happened to the alcohol that you could ingest? Did they finally not legalize it? How was it? It wasn't... What are you talking about? That would make you drunk? Or no hangover? It was something you would eat it

or something. They were going to make it legal in New York. How come my camera... I think you're making this up. No. It's another app. Was it powder? Oh, was it powder? You could put the powder in your water and it would just... You roofie yourself. You remember that?

We're making powdered alcohol. No, I've never heard of it. You're never going to believe this, but I roofie myself. Put the Astrodon six in the moon. It wasn't supposed to get you hangover, so it just got you drunk. There ought to be ways to get drunk without drinking it. Why can't you smoke alcohol? I don't get it.

Anyway, well, the alcohols would get you drunk. It's not because it's in liquid form. I don't think it makes the difference. It's not the umbrella. You can't have alcohol brownies. Put the powder in a brownie. And you'd get drunk. Maybe you wouldn't get nauseous is what I'm saying. I think you probably would. I think alcohol is alcohol.

Whatever the form it's in. When you make rum cake, you cook out a lot of the rum and then you're just eating a shit ton of cake. Because there's very little rum in rum cake. Yeah, and you're just like... But if there was a lot of rum in rum cake... Jell-O shots? I don't know. Would you like a shot? We're doing a drunk radio show. You want a drink?

Oh, God, no. What do you want? Would you like tequila? No. You look like a tequila drinker. Why? Because I have red hair? Yeah, just like a... That's not your real...

I mean, it's my real hair. Let me tell you what you don't look like. You don't look like a fine cognac drinker. No. What else? I don't know anything about drinking. You don't know anything about drinking? I never had a drink.

You've never had a drink? He did. He had a drink. Yeah, I had a drink on the Kevin Brennan podcast. I did. Did you have a drink at your wedding? No. No?

That was your first drink ever? I had probably the champagne toast at my wedding. That was probably a little bit. Wow. But then I handed off

to her. Why is that? I hate the taste of it. All of it? All of it. All of it. You had one drink and you know

that you hate all of it. It's the alcohol. That's like making out with one girl and being like, I don't like women. The taste is not the main reason

to drink alcohol. Exactly. But there's some really good tasting alcohol. Maybe you just do it to please somebody else. Maybe the taste doesn't drink alcohol. Exactly. But there's some really good tasting alcohol. Maybe you just do it to please somebody else. Maybe the taste's too body. You have to be a little bit suspicious of anybody that doesn't drink without a valid reason. Obviously, if you're an alcoholic and there's no shortage of those in the comedy world, we'll let it slide.

Ryan Hamilton doesn't drink for religious reasons. Is that true? He's Mormon. He's Mormon. Is that the reason he doesn't drink for religious reasons. Is that true? Well, he's Mormon. He's Mormon. Is that the reason he doesn't drink? Oh, I guess. Yeah, I mean, well, that's a part of the reason. In order to be observant.

It may well be that he doesn't like drinking, so he became a Mormon to cover it up. Or that he's a Mormon and he doesn't drink, and the two are not related. Right. Or that he became a Mormon and doesn't drink for the same reasons. He's a weird dude. Does the same go for marijuana smoking? Do you feel the same way about people who don't, refuse to smoke weed?

Like you're suspicious of them? I think if you refuse to do something just on the grounds that, without any real foundation, other than the fact that you're not supposed to do something. Well, Lenny has a good reason for not smoking weed. It's illegal. It's illegal. But that's not my best reason.

But he once said that in total seriousness. Go ahead. Well, because I didn't want it to affect me. But I have no interest in doing any of that stuff. I like who I am. I don't like smoking weed. I've tried it. I don't like it.

It gets me paranoid, so it's of no interest to me. But if a young lady says, hey, you want to smoke weed up in my apartment, I'll certainly do that. Are you going to try to throw it into the sink, too? No. Well, I will do the equivalent, which is kind of not inhale. Oh, I see. The President Clinton thing. Yeah, I'll just not inhale it.

Why is my bathroom on fire? I don't know that marijuana is necessarily a drug that gets you laid or not. It has in my case. It has not? It has not. Every drug gets you laid. Because it's not my marijuana. I think if it's your marijuana, you have a little leverage.

I have my own marijuana that immediately gets you laid. That's all I'm saying. It's because it's just a way to get a girl to your apartment. It's a way to get a girl to stay in your apartment. I was going to say, if there's a girl in your apartment and there's any marijuana being smoked

and you don't get laid, you're better looking for the reasons that you didn't get laid. I don't think it's the marijuana that didn't work. There's obviously something went wrong.

But is marijuana a hornifying drug? Yes. It just makes me really paranoid. I don't think I'm ever like, I'm super horny. Is it a hornicigen? Yes, it is a hornicigen.

A hornicigen. It's a serious hornicigen. Is it? Can you spell that now? That's debatable. It's a threesome-us-gen. Right? Are you speaking from experience?

Yes. It makes me really, really paranoid. I think people can hear my heartbeat and hear me breathing. And I'm like, everybody can hear me. And it just gets weird. And then I run away and leave all my stuff. So I don't think anybody's getting laid with me. So maybe that's what it is.

For some people, if it makes you paranoid, it could ruin the deal. You know, Kitty, we have to get to this. Was a receptionist at an escort service or something of that nature? I did, yeah. I grew up in Vegas, and then I moved from Vegas to California. That's awesome. And I worked at booking hookers at an escort. I know you can't see my videos.

Wait, hookers or escorts? They're the same goddamn thing. I don't know why anybody thinks anything differently. Well, nobody does think anything different. Okay, good. I'll tell you why. I could let anyone to school. You know, as an escort, it's somebody that accompanies you.

It's a classy term. It's a very classy term. They were escorts. They might just take you there and then take you back. I mean, I don't know if they're driving. I don't think any of them. They had their own drivers, but it was amazing. I loved it.

I sat in this office. I had like a leopard print couch, and I watched cartoons and answered the phone. And it'd be like, hello, thanks for calling Pink Ladies. Now, how does that work? It was terrible. Do you have to pay the asking price? Well, you negotiate with men. You do?

Yes. You did. I negotiated the hourly rate, which I got 10% of whatever I booked the girl. And then she got like a flat, like $50. It was terrible. So she negotiated her tips, which I don't know how that worked because I wasn't in the room. We were in an outgoing service.

So are you told to, because, you know, I've heard tell that sometimes, you know, they don't send you what you asked for. You say, I want a 20, 25-year-old gorgeous blonde that I saw on the website. I've got the best blonde for you. She's got big boobs and a great ass. She'll be there in 35 minutes.

So what's the secret? How do I, were I to do this, how would I make sure I get what I want? You should probably find, like, a normal one that you've, I think not a normal, but somewhere you've tried before and found that girl and then just set it up with her. Screw the agency. But if I'm new in town, okay? I mean, Yelp it?

Hell, I don't know what this dude is. What if you're from the 40s? I guess nowadays you can go on the internet It's a little bit easy You can see pictures But even those pictures Aren't necessarily They're all stock photo

We used to hire girls From modeling agencies And have them come in And do nude and implied shoots And then we'd just blur out Their faces And then pay those girls Like a grand

And it was We didn't have those girls Working for us Our girls We had the dumbest girl She was so fucking hot. So dumb. Well, that's fine.

She shaved her head to wear different colored wigs so she could be any girl a guy wanted. Bitch, you got a shaved head. Like, we can see it moving around. Like, come on. And then she won a boob job at a Christmas party. If you're getting a free boob job, there is a good chance that boob job is not going to come out right. She had like the, you know,

iguana nipple thing going on. One nipple way pointing over here. Look, if the escort business isn't on the up and up, I give up. I was about to say that. Are you telling me? I mean, growing up in Vegas,

I was just used to lots of being a big-tittied woman. They would bait and switch a gorgeous blonde off the website picture. Has anybody ever, did anybody ever, it's hard to do this when you're all revved up. Has anybody ever called back and said, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my God. We had a woman named Grace who was like a size 22. She was a big, you know, she was substantial as a woman.

And she was like 55. And I always was like, why do we still have her in there? Like, she's great. She's great at what? What is she great at? Rejection. No. She would not very often get rejected.

And I was shocked. Not very often. Yeah. I don't know what she was doing. I never figured that out. So when the guy opens the door, expects to see the blonde, sees the size 22, she's sweet-talked away? I don't know if she was shining a flashlight in their

face when she walked in and was just like, you know, here for your money. Did you ever get to, you got to talk to the hookers after they got back from the jobs? Yes. So did any of them ever come back and say, wow, that was great? Like, did they ever really have a good time? They had the best stories. Just the best stories.

Never touch a remote control in any of the hotel rooms. I can just say that. Never. Never do that. It's been in so many rectums. A lot of men like that, apparently. Don't ever touch it. And they still work.

What did you do with the remote control, mom? He is devastated. Is that true? He was like, I ate dinner off of that. Fast forward. Fast forward. But that's a different answer, though, than that they actually enjoyed it. Just because they had stories.

They were doing a lot of it. We had a couple clients that were very regulars, and one of them was in a wheelchair, and he just wanted a girl to come in and walk on him because he couldn't feel anything from a certain area down. So he wanted women to walk on him because that's as close as it got to sexual pleasure. That's called a crowd hammer. That's what I said. I do think there are hookers that do enjoy their work. Did a woman ever come back and say, wow, that was great.

I just had great sex with this job. There was a couple of celebrities that I'm probably not going to say their names because that's inappropriate. And I worked with one recently on a new movie. Mickey Rourke. No, no. He was younger at the time. Very good looking guy. But apparently he just jumped naked on the bed and would slap her in the face with a stick.

He paid her like five grand for it. That's it? He was really high on coke. She was like, it was amazing. You should really tell us who that is. Later. Yeah like five grand for it. That's it? He was really high on coke. She was like, it was amazing! You should really tell us who that is. Later. Yeah, I'll tell you. I just did a movie with him too. You're still not answering my question. What's your question?

Did any of the hookers come back and say, you know, I just really had good sex with this guy. I mean, I don't know if it was great sex as much as I got a shit ton of money. It's just money. They never like, I would see that guy outside. There was a couple girls that started dating guys, but they were like rappers. And they were, you know, it wasn't like a, you know, it's a mutual thing of, oh, we're together and everything's great.

We're going to buy a house in the suburbs of Connecticut. That never happened. It was like, no, I'm being this rapper. He was a younger guy. And he did some really bad Bad movies I don't think Jonah Hill

Pauly Short Now he's not so young But he was younger I do think I have heard from Ray Maland Go ahead I have heard from One or two sex workers

That they had An enjoyable experience Well which sex workers Do you know? Well one in particular Does comedy Oh what's her name? Caitlin.

Oh, Caitlin's a sex worker? She used to be. I thought you were talking about the other one. Oh, no, Caitlin. It's not a secret. She talks about this. In fact, I think

in her act, she talks about it. She says that it was not a bad experience at all. So, you know, you may say she's out of her mind. She may be.

I don't know. But I don't think it's universal that they're all just tortured by it. I know a lot of dominatrix that really enjoy it, but I don't think they're actually having sex. They generally don't have sex. Yeah. You know an awful lot about this.

In every aspect. Like, you know all about it. How do I know all about it? It's a renaissance, man. You're like, dominatrix don't generally have sex. I didn't know that. Well, everybody knows that. Did you know generally have sex. I didn't know that. Well, everybody knows that. Did you know that? Yeah.

I didn't know that either. Have you listened to any Jim Norton stand-up? Do you know any dominatrices? Yeah, and I've met dominatrices too over the years. I believe that we have a friend. We all have a neutral friend as a dominatrix. There are a lot of people on this podcast

who are not being named. No, we did name two of them. We didn't want to name them, but we named them anyway. But Caitlin's very open about it. Yeah. You know, she'll come on and talk about it if you want her to. I don't know. Yeah.

I'm sure she does it on a lot of podcasts. So we'd be getting sloppy thirds of fourths on that. Can you just get us a bunch of hookers? Yeah, sure. Can we get a bunch of hookers for the podcast? Oh, my gosh, yeah. You don't want to talk to hookers? I guess, but it's got to be the right hooker.

You've got to interview them. What do you mean? You don't want to call someone up and say, we want this one, we want this one, and then send like a 55-year-old. She may have the best stories ever. Someone that's coherent and can have a discussion. This is what I want, and I'm

serious. Why don't we just get some porn stars and call it a day? I want four pigeon English Korean handjob people. Just go around the corner. I feel like there's like six on this street. I want four Korean women who know how to speak English to come out and have a conversation. That can also finish a kitchen. My guess is that those women do not wish to, you know, they're probably here illegally and they probably don't want to talk about it.

In addition to the fact that what they're doing is illegal. Why wouldn't they want to talk about it? I mean, if they don't use their names. And it's radio. It's not like we can see them. They'll fade right into the mist of the night. Oh, my God. How awesome would that be?

Well, I don't think we need four. Awesome for you. I mean, that would be a classic show. Or one good one. Is that what you're saying, Ben? I would like to know what goes through their mind, stories, you know, how they got here. I feel like a lot of these girls are trapped. Like, they came over here on some mob trade.

Yeah, maybe. And they had to work to work off their debt. We would probably need, Noam, for any kind of coherent discussion, we'd probably need a translator. I don't know. Pigeon English is kind of fun. Well, it is fun, but if you actually want information and any kind of coherent discussion about what's going on in their mind,

you need somebody that knows how to say more than you so big. Not in my mind. That's all I need. Is that what they say, Dan? I think that's what they say, yeah. Is that what I'm doing wrong? That's why I don't have a boyfriend?

That's all you've got to say. Fuck. I've been screwing it up this whole time. I'm like, what's your four o'clock? There's never a bad time to say that. The question has to be asked when talking to a young lady of great attractiveness and covered in tats. What your sexuality is. I'm actually very straight.

Very straight. Do you need a guy with tats? I don't. I don't, actually. And I find most tattoo guys, they're mostly artists, are just conceited assholes. And there is like an endless amount of them.

You should date comedians. I may or may not have dated a few that are regularly in a company. I know one. not have dated a few that are regularly at comedy. I know one. Don't let you dare! Yeah, another person we can't name. I don't think it was the tattoos. He does have tattoos.

Yeah, but I don't think it's the tattoos. Is it Big Jay Ogerson? No, no, but I did his pilot for Comedy Central, and that's how I met Kurt and all them. Who has tattoos? Dove? Well, let's go through the list. Where's the list? Big Jay? No. Who else has tattoos? I mean, I, let's go through the list. Where's the list? Big J?

No. I mean, I would have done Big J, but... Amy. Amy Schumer. I mean, I don't do women, but I would probably do Amy. And Janine Garofalo. I fucking love her. I'd bring her coffee at least once.

She's your spirit animal, you told me. Everything she said on last night's show or last week's show was like words out of my own mouth. You banged Rich Voss? I don't know who that is. Oh, he's got tits.

Oh my God. Don't ever say that again, Al. I think I did a podcast with him once too. My bad. My bad. Even worse

that he's not memorable. He'll lose his mind if you tell him that. That's why I don't remember him. No, Matt, have you ever had sex with somebody who has done stand-up comedy? I know the waitstaff you went through. Dan.

I'm sorry. Just kidding. That was during the Clinton era. You were a single man at the time. Trump's back. Here we go again. But ever dip into that one? No, never, never, never.

I know you don't necessarily think that's the sexiest thing in the world, and we've had that discussion. Or would you find that to be just rude, like to start sleeping with the comedians? No, I wouldn't find it rude. Back in the days when I was... It would be rude not to book them. You're not that funny, and you give a terrible hand out.

When I was on the prowl back in the early 2000s or whatever... How many women were there? There was Lynn Coplitz, who was hot, actually, but totally not my style. Wanda. Marina was going out with Keith. Wanda was a lesbian,

I guess. She wasn't out, I don't think. She wasn going out with Keith. Wanda was a lesbian, I guess. Well, she wasn't out, I don't think. She wasn't out, whatever. Yeah, not much. No, Wanda was married. Sorry, Wanda was married. It was Wanda Sykes Hall at the time. Right. Do men find women who are funny?

Good question. This is a discussion we've had many times on this show, but it bears repeating. It bears repeating that, unfortunately, we don't quite reciprocate that sentiment. Oh, man. I'm glad I'm not that funny.

I don't know that funny is necessarily a negative, but it's not an overwhelming positive. Is that for comedians or for just men in general, would you say? I think it's probably for men in general. It just doesn't have the same seductive

quality on our end. I can only speak for myself, but I've spoken to a lot of people, and it's not quite... You know, I mean, men are... We peacock. We strut. You know, in school, we want to be the attention-getter and the class clown, and women are not taught that,

and they're not taught that for a reason. Because culturally... You don't agree? Well, I just want to modify. For me, it's just the individual thing. For me, as long as they have

a sense of humor... Yeah, they got to be able to get you. They got to get the jokes. But also other people's jokes. You know, you got to be able to get the joke.

You can't get offended by if I bring four comics and go, oh, that guy was so offensive. No, no, they got to get the joke but they don't have to be the wise cracker., oh, that guy was so offensive. No, no, they gotta get the joke, but they don't have to be the wisecracker. No, they don't have to be the wisecracker, but the one that

throws it over the edge for me is when the girl goes, see, I'm funny too. And that's when it's over the edge. I don't like extroverted women. It's not just comedy. I don't like that.

But if a woman has a really smart, dry wit that makes a comment, but she's not like Sean, but I do find that attractive. A Jane Austen heroine you would prefer. Yes, yes. I mean, yeah, I'm with you. My friend Stuart's wife, Allison, I don't know if she'll, anyway, she'll, but like last summer we were at vacation, and she made two jokes, I don't know if she'll, anyway, she'll, but like, last summer we were on vacation and she made two jokes, I don't remember what they were,

that were very, very, like, subtle, and they were so funny. I'm like, wow, she is awesome. Like, you know, that's really a great quality. The two best women

I've ever dated, I told you about the Israeli, the two best women I've dated were also the funniest. So, I think there's a correlation. It doesn't necessarily mean causal, but, you know, I think there's a correlation. It doesn't necessarily mean causal, but I think there's a connection. I like when they have a sense of humor.

I'm with Noam's theory there. Just not crazy out there. Now, if a woman becomes famous from her funniness, that can have I think fame can have a seductive quality. So that I'd be attracted perhaps to that more so than the funny.

I'm sorry. So, for example, Amy Schumer, I find her sexier now that she's famous. Interesting. Is that because she has a personal trainer? No, it's just because she's famous, and I find that there's a certain turn on. Her $13 million apartment is hilarious. The power is the ultimate. But I don't know that it's her funniness.

That's the... Amy has a sexy personality. I get that. She's self-assured. She's confident. Well, maybe that's it. But I don't... She has a great sense of humor. She does have a good sense of humor, but that's not... It's more her success

from my perspective. I like Amy. She gets Lenny's jokes. Go ahead, cook. Hi, everybody. Guys, all right? You're all looking at me like, can this guy fix my printer? I know what I look like.

Relax. Look like Bill Gates and Jerry Lewis had kids. I know. I can do that, too. You know, this is New York know. I can do that too, you know. This is New York City. I was in a cab the other day. Cab driver was an 85-year-old Asian woman. How bizarre is that?

Isn't that every dangerous driver rolled up into one dangerous driver? I was never so scared in my life. If she turned around holding a beer, I would have peed in my pants. It's like, where are you going? Hopefully heaven. Don't kill us. And people get politically correct.

Don't do the Asian voice. It's offensive. No, it's not. People really talk like that. I'm not making it up. Every Chinese restaurant I've ever been in the world, you walk in, the woman's like, what do you want? I'm not making that up. By the way, I know she's making fun of me, too. I know she's like, what do you want? I'm not making that up. By the way, I know she's making fun of me, too. I know she's like, what do you want?

And I say, could I get one egg roll, please? I know she goes to the back to her friends and makes fun of me, like, ding-dong, ding-dong, ha-ha. Could I get one egg roll, please? I know that's happening. When it cross-lines into bigotry, so you know,

is when you adopt the accent. You know what I'm talking about. You sit in that restaurant too long, she talks too long, you listen too long. She comes at the end of the meal, you want anything else? You're like,

no, no, you bring check. Fuck. I'm such an asshole. What is the matter with me? You gotta be careful what you say now. You can't offend somebody in two seconds. I don't know what to say to black people anymore most of the time. I choke. If a black guy walked by and I had to describe him,

I'd choke like a white guy every time. What'd that guy look like, Lenny? I didn't see anybody. He was rightny? I didn't see anybody. He was right there. I didn't see anybody. He was right there. He was tall, holding a basketball. I don't know.

Black people can call white people anything. We just have to take it. We do. We're so guilty as white people. My friend Sherrod, he makes up his own vernacular. Once he called me money. What's up, money? Is that good?

I don't even know. He either calls me money or homes. What up, money? What up, homes? Two things I do not have. Why don't you call me other things I don't have what up abs how you doing rhythm

what's going on hot chicks just once I'd love to do that back we'll sell majority oh that was over the line for this crap? Really? What about a girl who doesn't get things like, the girl who's just like,

I just don't like The Godfather. I just don't see it. Yeah, they're out. They're out, huh? What about a girl who doesn't, I don't get them. They can just have an appreciation for it. I don't get this Monty Python thing.

They just sound stupid. Yeah, it's hard to hear that. All right, well, these are things my wife has said. Yeah, I think you've just ruled out. I think you've just ruled out. He sounds like British. Do we really want women, though, to be into everything we're into? How about John Leguizamo is a genius?

Oh, that's, yeah. Yeah, it's tough. I actually think he's funny. He's very funny. Yeah funny he's very funny we don't want women to necessarily be into everything we're into we don't want women

to like watch a fight like yeah knock him out Juanita loves boxing she is like that I love you my wife will watch MMA she will

yes like oh let's see that like why why do you but football like I don't know I just don't understand what's going on that's why

no okay so Kitty now that you know the brutal truth. But nothing's hotter than Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican trumps everything, so it doesn't matter. Oh. Everybody knows that. All right.

Puerto Rican is good. That's like a universal section. I'm not going to argue with the boss. Oh, you don't find Latino women sexy? Some. Yeah, I mean, in general. And some get loud. Also true.

Yeah, yeah. All right. That's actually a good point. And by get loud. Yeah, yeah. That's actually a good point. And by the way, your wife is very outgoing. She's not an extrovert. She's not an extrovert? No, she's not. Wow. I've heard her on these shows and can get very extroverted. I mean, all those stories about Juanita dancing on the bar over here?

That's my wife you're talking about. He always makes that mistake. I can't. You can't. She dances very quietly on the bar. No, Juanita's not makes that mistake. She does it quietly. You can't. She dances very quietly. No, why do you do that? She doesn't like to be, she doesn't like to draw attention to herself.

She will get hot under the collar like in a radio show, but she's not like, she doesn't need attention. Kitty, what do you make of this now that you know the truth?

Hi, Michelle. Make of the fact that unfortunately, humor is not the aphrodisiac for men that it might be for women. It's disappointing. I think it's a little disappointing.

I mean, I think comedy, to do a good joke in any facet, you have to have some form of intelligence, and I find intelligence sexy, and then I find humor sexy in both ways, and I don't even like women from the waist down. I like them from the waist up. So I'm just not into it.

But I think I would feel that a man would want the same out of me, that you would provide a funny joke with some intelligence behind it, and that would be sexually attractive. You know what a man wants from you? Bill Burr said it. He wants a sandwich. I can't cook, so that is never going to happen. I want a sandwich. And cut it diagon, so that is never going to happen. I want a sandwich.

And cut it diagonally. What's more loving than that? Bill Burr is so funny. But he is actually hitting on something there. There is something really primal and primitive. When a woman makes you something to eat, I know you're not supposed to say this, at least you weren't supposed to say it prior to January 20th,

but when a woman makes you something to eat, it pushes buttons in a man. It truly does. That's awful because I'm a terrible cook. It doesn't have to be good. No, I will probably poison you. It could be crap. If I make you food, I'm trying to kill you. For me, I'm not as much that as if you keep

my place clean. Same thing. I've got a Roomba. I'll bring it over. That's not going to do it, sweetie. Sorry. Nothing conveys I love you like taking care of somebody. Don't lose your sense of humor.

That I can tell you. Nobody wants no sense of humor. Yeah. Guys don't want that. You know, we're butting up against just age-old notions of gender roles

and, you know, to what extent they're just intrinsic and biological and to what extent they're just intrinsic and biological and to what extent they're societally influenced. They're intrinsic. Well, certainly there is... They're intrinsic in every other animal.

In the animal kingdom. Well, there you have it. Next week we'll have two llamas on. When the lion... When the dog gives birth to puppies, the mommy puppy knows exactly how to behave, what to do. She calls them, whatever she needs to do, she carries them around. I mean, it's all intrinsic.

And the daddy puppy doesn't. And it's not gender. Nobody's taught them that. On a related note, Kitty, what comic... Which bar do you dance on? I can't dance. Can I get a hooker that'll make me a sandwich? What comic in particular do you have

your eye on these days? I don't know. I do like skinny Jewish guys. There you go. You do. Who doesn't? And if they're Canadian, there you go. You don't? You're in. I do. You do? I do. Who doesn't? I know. And if they're Canadian, it's like perfect. But why Canadian?

Because they're so fucking nice. So if they speak French, then? So nice. Who's Canadian? They don't have to be French-Canadian. No, I did have a date, a couple dates, or yeah, one or two dates with this Canadian actor and comedian out of Los Angeles. Nicest, nicest guy. Every other word was, oh, I'm so sorry. Can I get that for you? Let me get that for you. Oh, I'm so sorry. Well. Nicest, nicest guy.

Every other word was, oh, I'm so sorry. Can I get that for you? Let me get that for you. Oh, I'm so sorry. You like sorry. They say sorry. We have a guy for you. We have a guy for you.

I didn't know this was turning into a dating show. Well, they always do. We have a guy, as it must. Can he date and make me a sandwich? We have a guy for you. Now, he is not Jewish, but he is dark-haired and might have Jewish ancestry. I don't know if he's ever done 23andMe.

We could have him spit in a cup for you. But he is very skinny. All right. He is very nice. And he's oh so very Canadian. That's right. And he goes by the name of Phil Hanley. That's right, Hanley. Do you know Hanley? And he used to be a model, right?

And he's very good looking. Now, if she has a Jewish fetish, perhaps good looking is not her thing. I don't mean to say the Jews aren't good looking. It's not what we do best. We could teach him a couple of words. He's really nice, Phil. Oh, I like him. Yeah, he's a great guy. Hold on.

I'll bring up a picture. I don't know what Phil's tastes run to. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. He might like anorexic models, for all we know. I'm on the curvy side of the model industry. And you have all the right junk in all the right places, if I may say so. To quote the great... Baby got back haunted my childhood.

What's that song? It's all real, too. What's that song with all the right junk in all the right places? Oh, he's adorable. He is very adorable. He might as well be Jewish because he's not really, he's not a man's man. Wait, can he change my tire? That's really frustrating in New York City.

Dating guys who can't change the tire in my car. But if they live in New York City, why would they know how to change a tire? He'll pay for your AAA account. Fuck, I don't know, but I've got a car. That's all you need. Just don't get a flat. Fuck you. You know how many potholes there are in the FDR? That's all you need. Just don't get a flat. Fuck you. You know how many potholes

there are in the FDR? But the skinny Jewish guy is less likely to be able to change a tire than a non-Jewish guy. I don't want to stereotype you. I'm just throwing out my fetishes here. It's not difficult. Well, you want what doesn't exist.

Canadian Jews change a tire. I can change a tire. And I will not. I got a flat tire like on 30th Street on the West Side Highway. You called AAA. No, I drove that fucking thing on the rim all the way back to the garage here. Good for you. I never. Why?

It didn't damage the rim. I never owned a car. So obviously I cannot change a tire. Why what? Why would you do that? Because it was winter time. Yeah. I get out on the West Side Highway and change a tire. Why would you do that? Because it was wintertime. I get out on the west side of the highway and change a tire.

That's dangerous though. But you said I will not. You didn't say I refuse to in that particular case. So are you saying that at any given time when you get a flat tire, you will not? If there is any option up to $1,000, I will not change a tire. That's fair.

That's your limit? $1,000? Yeah, I think if it's going to cost me $5,000. I will not change the tire. That's fair. That's your limit? $1,000? Yeah. I think if it's going to cost me $5,000, I would change the tire. You need like a Mini Cooper. Those tires you can actually drive on for like 50 miles. There you go. Throwing that out there?

Yeah, yeah. Would you have one? Just trying to help you out. Not while she's pregnant. My wife is pregnant. No, can we do what we did last year? What am I? An animal?

You're such a good guy. What, did she just have labor? Fucking get out there and change that tire, baby. It's hot. I think we're on a roll. Good luck with flat tires. Go ahead. Last year at this very time, we discussed some of our New Year's, you know, what we want to do in the New Year, what our plans are, what our goals are.

I don't remember what they were. I thought it was instructive and interesting. Do you have the list of last year? I don't remember what they were. I thought it was instructive and interesting. Do you have the list of last year? Well, I don't remember what I said last year. Well, that helps. But, um, I think I said, I don't remember what I said last year, but you know, do you have any New Year's? Of course, you're going to have to be a father

again. Well, I'm going to get a vasectomy in 2017. Really? Good for you. Oh, that hurts. Scares the shit out of me. Why? You can get it reversed. That's actually really dangerous. Sometimes they don't work. I went to my doctor. I said, I want to get a vasectomy.

He goes, are you sure you want to get a vasectomy? I'm like, yeah. He goes, are you sure you never want to have any more kids? I'm like, I'm going to have three. He goes, if your wife and children should perish in an accident, are you sure you wouldn't want to have any children then? Great question. And I said, it's reversible, isn't it?

Can't you like second-order the conversation? And he said, I swear this is verbatim. And he said, no, you can't count on that. I think, Noam, you could probably freeze it. Yeah, right?

You could probably freeze your sperm. Jack off in a cup, put it in your freezer, call it a day. The truth is, and I did think about it, that if my wife, if anything should happen to, even one of my kids got for better, I don't even want to talk about it. I'm not sure I wouldn't kill myself. Right.

But I do believe you can freeze your sperm in the case that you might want to use it later. You could sell it. Maybe I should freeze my sperm. I have great kids. So your goals are jerk off in a cup and nobody die. Have you ever had a sperm count? Not officially.

I had a friend who's a scientist. I know that sounded weird. I never expected that answer. I don't think that question's ever been answered that way before. I didn't know that was a category. Oh, my God. From now on, I'm going to ask if you ever had an official sperm count. Never ask it. Oh, I had a friend Who's a scientist

And she gave me a thing And we You know I did it And she took it into the lab And unofficially She's not that doctor She's like I think you're alright

How did she She's a scientist A lot of activity Apparently she asked somebody there Who knew something from some But there's no I had a sperm count I don't know how

And perfect Obviously Actually I got the I went to get a sperm count. And perfect, obviously. Actually, I got the... I went to get the sperm count at the Empire State Building where I got it. Really? On the rooftop.

And then the next day, Juanita said she was pregnant. Oh, wow. And then the day after that, the doctor called and said, this is the same doctor, the doctor called and said, we got the results of your sperm count. I said, it's okay. Juanita's pregnant. He goes wow. And then the day after that, the doctor called and said, this is the same doctor, the doctor called and said, we got the results of your

sperm count. I said, it's okay. When he's pregnant, he goes, she's cheating. I love this guy. Anyway, but my sperm is good. Kitty, what are your 2017 goals? Not to count my sperm, but I don't really have any.

I think just try to have a better year than last year. Last year was awful. Why was it bad? Just a lot of bullshit happened. I lost a close family member, and my aunt's house burned down, and just like all this terrible shit just kept happening. So this year, we're going to try to avoid all that. That's going to be good.

We're going to wish you skinny Jews that. That's going to be good. We're going to wish you skinny Jews in 2017. Yeah. Or Canadians. I was going to say, I had a good year last year, but then I realized I had a close friend die

and my aunt's house burned down too. Oh my God. Are we family? We didn't know. But anyway, go ahead. I think we're finished. Well.

We're over an hour. I want to say hi to Don Fabricant, by the way. Go ahead. What about Don Fabricant? I want to say hi to him. I like to give him a shout out on the show from time to time. Oh, okay.

He's one of our most loyal listeners. Aw. Aw, that's nice. Well, I think I had the same goal in 2016 that I didn't accomplish, but will try to do in 2017, which is try to do something non-stand-up to move my career forward in a non-stand-up area. You career forward in a non-stand-up area. You mean this exact thing you're doing right now? What I'm doing right now, but something that's actually good.

Something that works. Something that moves me along. You should go out on one acting audition every week, Dan. Well, my agent doesn't come. In fact, the last time I saw my agent, I didn't know who the hell he was. I kind of didn't recognize him.

I mean, literally. I mean, they don't talk to, you know, we don't talk much. Get him in next week. I say agents and agents. That would be awesome. Great show. Now, you sang this song because you were impressed by my performance at the Just Gal show? No, that's not why I'm saying it, but I was... Once you get out of the box.

That's right. I was impressed by your performance, but what I'm saying is that just saying you want it to happen in 2017 is obviously

not going to make it happen. What's going to make it happen is actually doing... You make it happen. You have to make it happen. Throw yourself into it. Get on it at midnight with everyone else.

Well, I can't talk about it now, but I can't talk about the details, but I'm doing something voiceover related right now. I have a gig right now that's voiceover related. My goal is to do the best job that I can so that it leads to something. I just feel like I'm

funnier than I've ever been. Even after 23 years, I feel like I'm still improving. I don't think everybody improves after 20 years. Some people are stalled. But I do think I'm improving. I think Lenny's improving greatly. Thanks, Dan. And Esty thinks so, too, by the way. So much so that you're getting more

spots than I am. Come on. Like a fine wine. Did you get Esty ball game tickets? I didn't do that. Did I get Esty ball game tickets? I didn't get a ball game. I got her a ball once. Ball, not ticket. I don't do that. Did I get a Steve Ball game ticket? I didn't get a ball game ticket. I got her a ball once. But I don't think...

Ball, not ticket. I don't think... Papa gets it. Did you give the teacher an apple? I'm never going to stand up comedy my way into success, into great success. I'm never going to do it. I just don't have that kind of act. I'm not Bill Burr.

I'm not that kind of an act that I'm going to... People are going to... And you refuse to try to be. No, it's not in me. I'm not a big... Not a big act. I'm not a big act like that. I'm not a I'm not a I have great jokes.

I don't think anybody has better jokes. People have as good maybe, but I don't think anybody has better jokes than me. I agree with that. But I'm not a Sebastian Maniscalco who's going to be up there with a fancy suit and just big, big, big, big. Are you really comparing yourself to him? That guy is just... But I will say this, Dan.

I'm not saying quality, by the way. I'm just saying that's the kind of act that is making it big now. Great, big people that are very, very mainstream. And I'm not mainstream. Louis C.K. has this whole bit now about abortion, which I think is fantastic. Yeah, and his suicide bit is fantastic. And when I hear the abortion thing, I say, you know, that's the kind of philosophical, looking at something from every side of an issue thing, which Dan Natterman could actually do, too.

A long-form piece about something, but you will not do that sort of thing. You do think that way, and you ponder that kind of stuff. I haven't heard the abortion bit. Unfortunately, Noam, I can't do abortion jokes. Those cruise ship passengers

ain't going to put up with it. And neither are the synagogue people, and neither are the corporate gigs. I got to make a... You know, now, I do have... He's got an excuse for everything. And neither are the corporate gigs. I got to make a, you know, now I do have. He's got an excuse for everything. That's not a bad excuse. But I do explore a little bit here at the Comedy Cellar.

Yeah. And I have, I think, great bits about, for example, my bit about God and his opinion on gay sex. What is that? The bit I do about, I wish God would clear that up and say, I don't want you to have, you know, you know that bit? Yeah, yeah. It'd be nice if he came down and said, look, I got nothing against homos. But, you know,

so you can have sex, you can still have sex with, a man can have sex with another man, but, although I don't recommend it after Indian food. Now these are sticky bits. It these are sticky bits. It's a sticky bit. I do schtick.

But that's how you write. But Louis doesn't do schtick. He does some schtick, but mostly he does... He talks. He does... Opinion. Opinion and, you know... He's a philosopher.

He's a modern day philosopher. He's a philosopher. He's a modern-day philosopher. He really truly is. But you can, I'm just saying, Dan, that you could venture outside your set-up punchline, set-up punchline if you want. I suppose I could. Whether or not that's the key for me, I don't know. I think the key for me is I think I could really do a great job on a sitcom or in a film comedically or even in voiceover. I think if

I get well known in those areas then I could get a bigger following as a stand-up. That's right. You'll go back. You'll be the backwards. It's all about social media. We've got to wrap it up. We're talking about Dan's favorite subject and we've got to wrap it up. By the way, that's a really good, getting out of the box for this year

was a good resolution to bring it back to what you started with. So good luck with that. I think it was a good idea. And you, Lenny, for 2017? I'll do the same. Well, why not? You know, just some good thing to work on, a good project. Be a dad.

Be a dad this year. I'll be a dad this year as well. That's enough. Wait a minute. We'll go for both of those. You're going to try to be a dad this year? We're going to I'll be a dad this year as well. That's enough. Wait a minute. We'll go for both of those. You're going to try to be a dad this year? We're not giving us any news. Are you trying?

Yeah, we're trying. Use the clear blue easy. The what? The pee on a stick thing? Yeah, yeah. She's working. She's peeing on sticks every day now. I'm waiting for the green light.

It's not romantic, but it works. Well, that's a pregnancy test. It's not going to... No, no. It's like an ovulation test. If you pee on a stick, it says, now!

Now. Right now. No, Lenny, what you need to do then is save it up, obviously, for those days. I'm assuming I'm not telling you

anything you don't know. You don't need to save it up. You've got to save it up so you can give her a good blastic. Oh, my God. That's what Dove told me because he's trying to get his wife pregnant. So romantic. You don't need to save it up so you can give her a good blastic. Oh, my God. That's what Dove told me because he's trying to get his wife pregnant.

So romantic. You don't need to save it up. He says his doctor told him you got to save that shit up. I think that's not. Stop wasting it? I think if you go too long, then they begin to die. Yeah, they die. I think there's like two days is the best.

She went out of town. She goes, get rid of the dead ones. Get rid of the dead ones. Yeah, you got to blow out the tubes. Is there anything romantic about it? No, there's nothing sacred or romantic in this world anymore. When you have sex to make a baby, is it in any way, shape, or form an erotic experience? Yeah, you could still do it erotically.

But, I mean, when it's very, if you're going to do it like that, it's really hard to. When all of a sudden she pees on a stick and says, let's do it? I mean, where's the... I've had both. What would you say you had to say to me? You got the biggest dick ever. That's all you got to say, right? That's it.

Back to romantic. I've made babies both ways. You know, on a schedule and just by... The babies you kept, though. Oh, Dan. Well, I... Oh, the babies you kept, though. Oh, Dan. Good night, everybody.