The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Lynn Koplitz, Jon Fisch, and Joe List

Episode Date: February 24, 2017

Lynn Koplitz, Jon Fisch, and Joe List are all prominent New York-based standup comedians. They can regularly be seen performing at the Comedy Cellar.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Here we are, this is The Comedy Cellar Show on Sirius XM 99 Raw Dog, or something like that. This is Dan Natterman, and the reason you hear my voice is because once again, Noam Dorman has neglected his duties as a host. And he is in Fort Myers, Florida, I believe, this week on vacation. A couple of weeks back, he was in Vegas. Lynn Koblitz just arrived. Lynn, have a seat.

We just started. I'm just doing the introductions. I'm here with John Fish, Joe List, and Lynn Koblitz. I wanted to open things up with some news about Joe. First of all, Joe List, a compliment for you. I was just talking to Esty. I was talking to Esty. Esty is the woman that books the room for those listeners

that may not know. I was talking to her just before the show and she said that you've gone from like a three to an eight. Your comedy, whatever she said, your comedy has taken you to the next level. Like your comedy, or whatever she said, your comedy has, you've taken it to the next level.

Oh, well, that makes me feel good. That makes me feel good. I didn't take it seriously, but according to Esty, I mean, she's using you a lot more. Is that correct? Yes, that is correct. Oh, thank you, thank you.

That makes me feel good. And yeah, I've been working hard and trying, and I've been working real hard trying to get my hands clean. You dive that dusty road from Monroe to Angeline. Well, I don't know anything about that. But one thing I learned recently about Joe List is that he's...

Did you know he was engaged to be married, Lynn? Yes. And when you're on tour with him, he talks all the time about making love to his fiancée. Well, it's something that's very exciting. It's near and dear to my heart, making love, you know? When you get laid, you get excited. So I like to tell people I had sex. Well, but making love is

not just sex, it's making love. And he says making love. He doesn't say, like, finger banging or whatever. He says making love. I'm a very respectful person, as John Fish knows. Yeah. Well, do you make love or do you... The times I've seen it, yeah.

Is it lovemaking? Yeah, we create love for the purpose of entertainment. But lovemaking is soft and sensual and romantic and there's nobody banging on the door saying, we're closing. I don't think lovemaking is always soft and sensual. I mean, it's always sensual, but I don't think it's always soft. I think by definition, lovemaking is, you know, connotes a certain degree of romance.

And I don't think, for example, if it's doggy style. In my mind, when I hear the word lovemaking, I'm not thinking doggy style. Really? No, I'm not. I'm thinking mission. Well, I think you can do it like where someone's behind you, and it can be lovemaking. It doesn't have to be like doggy style, like pound, pound, pound, but they can be behind you. You're up on your knees, and they're behind you.

That's still lovemaking. We're really getting right into it, aren't we? Well, you mentioned making love. That's sensual, don't you think that's still love making. We're really getting right into it, aren't we? Well, you mentioned making love. That's sensual, don't you think? Joe mentioned making love. Well, no, but not the way I see it, but if you view it that way, that's fine. I think love making, I think what we can all agree on

is that making love is... Sensual. Well, I think we can all agree that making love is a subjective call. But it's not mission. I don't think just missionary. But in my mind, when I think of making love, I think of soft missionary. I don't think just missionary. But in my mind, when I think of making love, I think of soft missionary.

I think of Barry White playing. Yeah, but it's all in the way you say it. When you said it like that, making love. But you might not. No one's going to want to make love with you. I don't make love. I fuck. I bang.

All right? You bang to bang? I get busy. Now, can it be making love if the woman is stimulating her own clitoris, which is important in lovemaking. Am I correct about that, Lynn? To get a proper orgasm going. Honestly, I don't understand at all.

To me, making love is when you're emotionally connected, and then it doesn't matter how you're doing it. It's just that you're connected with the person. Right, and it's hard to be connected when you can't see their eyes. No, I disagree. The back of the head can be quite engaging. Oh my God, and you can hold on to people from behind.

There's so much sensual, great neck kissing, and I think you can be so connected without having to look in someone's eyes like a creep, John. I thought that's where you were going, where you were saying if you can't see them... No, I think if you're connected and your minds are connected

then anything else is like it should just be fun and exciting. Well, I guess we can all agree that making love is different for different people. Yes. Can you have anal making love? I don't think so. No, I don't think so. What about homosexuality?

Yeah, well, obviously they can. All right. So you can then. I don't think straight people have anal making love. Straight people cannot. I don't want to sound homophobic, but as a girl, I'm telling you, it hurts. It really hurts, and you feel all freaked out about it. It hurts as a boy as well. Now, what were you going to say? There's something telling you, it hurts like, it really hurts, and it's not, you feel all freaked out about it. It hurts as a boy as well.

Now, what were you going to say? There's something homophobic it sounded like. I don't want to be homophobic. I hear a guy talk about making love to another man. I don't know. You find it a tad off-putting, I'm getting. I'm not off-putting. I just find the terminology odd.

Oh, I see. I have nothing wrong with two men having sex. I have nothing against it. But I don't think it's just the sex. Making love connotes an emotional attachment. This is what you guys are... Well, look, to me it connotes an emotional attachment and no but. Really, no but at all?

You don't even let a girl put a little pinky in your bum? I certainly do, but we're not making love. She can put anything she wants in there, but don't call it making love. Really? Call it getting freaky. Making love to me

sounds like you're cleaning up your joke. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't, I find it an antiquated term almost.

Look, it's something we used to sing about back in the 70s with quite great frequency and nobody does anymore. Right. Every song in the 70s with quite great frequency, and nobody does anymore. Right. Every song in the 70s was about making love, if you recall.

K-Tel Records, you know? I just think making love is like a whole... It's got foreplay involved, and it's just the whole thing. I guess, again, it's different things for different people, but I would like to get at my main point, which is that Mr. List is engaged to be married. Yes. And is it one of these engagements that never actually happens? No, we have a date, August 19th.

Of 20... This year, 2017. Bam. Yeah, it's happening. Welcome back. We're down and dirty. We've got a hotel discount out there right now. You can use the code.

Call in now. Use the promo code, folks. Everybody's invited. That's horrible sounding. Well, I don't need to be invited. Obviously, we are friendly. We are friendly. We might even be friends on a certain level, but I don't think I'm

wedding level for you, so don't feel bad. I don't think it is. What's that you said? Do you feel bad? No, I don't feel bad. I don't think it does. What's that you said? Do you feel bad? No, I don't feel bad. I'm not inviting Dan. I don't know.

Who are you friends with? Who's going to be the comics that come? A lot of comedians. I got my little gang. Phil Hanley, Mark Norman, Sam Morrill, Gary Veeder. John Fish will be getting an invite. Who else? Some of the bigger names will be Colin Quinn, Nick DiPaolo, Gary Gullman.

People of this sort. Who's the best man of that crew? My friend Derek Walsh. He's the last civilian friend. The last civilian friend. He's a funny man. That's an interesting thing we can get into, a civilian friend. Now, civilian is a term that comedians will often use to describe those who are not comedians

or those who are not in show business in a more general sense. He might be your closest friend, but also it's a good out, too, so you don't have to be like, I didn't have to decide between any of the comedian friends. I just have this, because I have a brother,

so I have a good out, too. Yeah, brother is good. What's interesting is my best man to be is a huge comedy, he's a comedy nerd to the level that I am. He's going to geek out.

He's going to be giving a speech to many of his favorite comedians and idols, people that he listens to daily. That sounds aggravating. Now, Lynn, you have a good deal of civilian friends. I do. I think I have a nice

mix of civilian and comedy friends. I have actually quite a few. I have very few friends, and I only have maybe five people that I would say I... Not even. Like, three people that I would call up just to talk with, which to me is the highest level of friendship.

To call them up just to have a conversation with. But Lynn, are your friends from working? Like, are they like people that you've met through the shows that you've done and stuff like that? Like, not comedy shows, but like your TV stuff? No, because I wouldn't consider those civilians. You wouldn't, okay. No, I think wouldn't consider those civilians. You wouldn't? No.

I think if you're in the business, you're in the business. A civilian is anybody that's not in show business. Which people are getting offended by that term now in this PC day and age. Well, they have gotten offended because they say it's insulting toward veterans. Right. You know, that we're proclaiming ourselves non-civilians, and I don't know. So what does that mean? Now we're not allowed to talk about bombing

or killing or anything on stage? I don't disagree with you, but people have taken issue with that word. It's a metaphor that's been used forever. People need to get

the fuck over themselves. People do need to take it down a notch with the crushing. I don't disagree with you. Run the killing on Facebook and stuff. It's like you can't be crushing

when there's no audience that we can see in the picture that you've posted on Instagram. Speaking of Lynn's friends, this is a good segue into your... I knew you were going to mention this. Well, if you want to discuss it, apparently you were hanging out here

with Brooke Shields the other night. I wasn't here, unfortunately. I didn't get to meet her. I think that's why you invited me on tonight because you thought I was going to bring Brooke. Well, I had said to Stephen Calabria, I said, Lynn had talked about coming on with Brooke. And he called you up and he said,

well, Lynn can't come on with Brooke. Lynn can come on with Lynn. I would bring her. She's just out of town. Okay, I thought you had met her, but you didn't. But that's okay. And I do want to meet her, though. I wasn't here that night.

I just think it's funny because I'm like, I was excited to be invited on the show. And it's like, oh, and are you going to bring funny because I'm like, I was excited to be invited on the show and they said, oh, are you going to bring Brooke? I'm like, um, no. He told me I can only come on if I brought fish. I didn't say, I didn't tell him to say that. I said Lynn had talked about coming on with Brooke.

Oh boy. Well, this is uncomfortable. I'd rather make love to fish than hear this uncomfortableness. How did this friendship come about? We were, I think, were you there that night at Madison Square Garden? I was opening for Louis C.K. I believe I was.

And Brooke was in the audience, and she came backstage because she knows Louis, and said hi and everything, and I walked by, and she was like, oh my gosh. Told me she really liked the set. And then I, of course, I'm, oh my gosh, told me she really liked the set and then I of course I'm a fan as well and know her from

having met her at other things that she didn't remember me from, of course. Like when I did Radio Show with Jenny McCarthy, she didn't remember me really from that, but she's sweet and kind, so she pretended like she did, but I knew she didn't. And just

weirdly, it was one of those things where I was like, we're going to go get a drink. Do you want to come? Which I don't think I would ever ask a celebrity to do that. I just connected with her. I liked her right away. She was like, yeah, we might. Because she never really gets to go out because she has kids.

And they came out. And I don't know. Now we're in like, we're like, you guys know like bromances? Yeah. We're totally like,

it's the funniest thing. We're like in this honeymoon stage of girl friendship. Oh, that's good. Is she your most famous friend, would you say?

Well, I mean, Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers were pretty famous friends. Alive friends, I mean, Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers were pretty famous friends. Alive friends, I mean, I guess. Yeah, I mean, whose phone number I have, who I would just call to call. Yeah, I guess so.

Because I was going to say, I mean, there's Caroline Ray and people like that, but yeah, for just to call and say, oh, hi, what you doing? Yeah, probably right now. I think mine would be Dove Davidoff, which is very low. But I'm not saying it's, you know.

It's a fun phone call. Well, you know, I consider Louie a friend, but I don't have his phone number. Do you know what I mean? If I saw him, I wouldn't. Could you say, but here's the thing about people. I can't call him. Here's the thing about having famous friends or friends that are a higher level of fame than you are. I don't have one. But I wonder sometimes, I see some of these friendships around the Comedy Cellar.

I see some comics that aren't famous with super, super famous friends. And I just wonder if that friendship is limited on some level. Like, in other words, can Tom Popper say to Jerry Seinfeld, and they're good friends, can he say, Jerry, what the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? To me, if you can't say to a friend, if you can't say to somebody,

you're being an idiot. All this, what the fuck are you talking about might be why you only have four friends. Well, Brooke called me stupid in a text yesterday. Who did? Brooke?

She said, don't be stupid. Yeah, I think, you know, friendship, friends have to have a certain level of honesty. Of course. I certainly don't throw around what the fuck are you talking about

all the time. I know, I'm being silly. But a friend, I think, is somebody that you should be able to say, like,

dude, dude, chill. I agree. I concur. And so, I just wonder whether the fame differential is significant enough.

Well, that's also different because that's a specific incident, a scenario where Tom became friends with Jerry after he was Jerry. Right. You know, it's different like when you see some comics around here with their friends that were already friends. Okay, well, that's absolutely true. Right, that is true. If you become friends with somebody that's famous and they're already famous,

I just wonder what that dynamic is. Apparently, I only become friends with iconic people. Like, I notice there's like Joan and Brooke. It's hilarious to be like huge people who, you know, but

we're just, we're new friends. Like, we've only hung out probably six times. So you wouldn't be at the what the fuck are you talking about stage anyway, even if she weren't famous. There is that initial, you know. Yeah, early on in a friendship, if someone's doing something what the fuckable, you just go, I'm not going to be friends with this person anymore. Or you say, well, I'll let this one slide and see where it leads.

I don't know. She's really funny, nice. Like, we have just a... Like, if I believed in other lives, I would say Brooke and I have been sisters. Because, like, we kind of get each other. I think we both remind each other a lot of people that... Like, I remind her a lot of a friend that she's been friends with since she was nine. And she reminds me a lot of my sister.

So, there's this weird shorthand, like, we already know each other. her a lot of a friend that she's been friends with since she was nine and she reminds me a lot of my sister. So there's this weird shorthand like we already know each other and then sometimes we have to kind of realize like I don't really know you that well at all. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I feel like you're never truly close friends with somebody until you have a beef with them. Do you feel that way?

Oh, that's interesting. That's very but I think it's a lot. I'm going to be a platter or not. Emily Dickinson of you. I like a look of agony because I know it's interesting. That's very... But I think it's in line. Sylvia Plath, or Emily Dickinson of you, I like to look at Bagany because I know it's true. Most of my close friends I've had some sort of tiff with, and then we've fixed it. Well, eventually, if you get that close to somebody, you know... Well, because it makes you better friends if you heal a strife.

Well, I suppose... Meanwhile, Fish is on his phone. I'm Instagram storing this. As long as it's something related to me, I guess I can let it slide. That was close to it. What the fuck are you doing, John?

But I wouldn't say that to Judd Apatow, for example. Judd Apatow, yes, Judd. Thank you, Judd. Oh, which I saw crashing, and you have a nice scene about it. Oh yeah, you were great. I love that.

For those of you who didn't see it, which by the way I didn't see it, but I was there, I lived it. I was in the first episode of HBO's

Crashing, the new show by Judd Apatow. Which was very good. And I had, everyone on the critics are saying that it's very

good, I haven't seen it. It was really good. I enjoyed it. But I was just a comic on stage doing comedy, so I wasn't a role good. I haven't seen it. It was really good. It was fine. I enjoyed it. But I was just a comic on stage doing comedy so I wasn't a role like I wasn't acting.

Right. But you also get a shout out because Val comes over to the group of comics and like Natterman's been lit. Now who's Val? So they say your name. Val is the manager

here at the club. Well I know who Val is. I'm saying this is a rhetorical question for the... I'm going to answer that. I understand that. She's a manager that works here at the Comedy Cell.

Yeah, and a man was also in the show. She was also in the show. In other words, everybody's in the show. I'm not in the show. I'm not in the show. I'm not in the show. You'll be in the show. We're not in the show.

You'll be in the show. Esty was hilarious. Esty, the woman who books the comedians that work at the Comedy Cell, is in the show. Yeah. The woman who books the comedians that work at the Comedy Cell is in the show. In other words, being in the show, you know, with all due respect, they're throwing everybody in. Well, this is a very cynical attitude here. Because there's about 100,000 comedians and there's eight of them in this one show. So you're throwing around everybody.

You're saying you throw everybody in and we are not in it. You'll be in it. And you've done, first of all, Lynn, you've done so many things over the years. So many wonderful things. You've had your own shows. I'm not complaining. I'm very proud and happy about my life. But I'm just saying, when I heard that Val the manager was in it, I said to myself, Uh-huh.

You're saying you didn't feel that special. I didn't feel that special. you didn't feel that special. I didn't feel that special. I didn't feel that special. I love Val, and we did karaoke together. In fact, we did a duet at Paradise. No, Paradise by the Dashboard Light. That's correct. So, obviously, I have, well.

Sometimes the notebooks don't have a lot of good things. It's karaoke. You're supposed to be hacking. I'm joking. I'm saying we have that kind of relationship that we could do Paradise by the Dashboard Light together. Quick aside. Quick aside. Yeah, go ahead.

Best. One of my best live performances I've ever seen, certainly for karaoke. Joe List hurt so good at the little bar Woody's. Oh, my God. It was. I really brought the heat there. He was on tables. Well.

And he was also seeing a girl who went up after him and thought she was going to be able to follow him, and just bombed. I really buried her. Really buried her. Sorry, go ahead. Something I'd like to say. I'm just saying, so Valerie, I have nothing against her, but I think she might have had a bigger part than me.

No, but you get some FaceTime, a bit, and your name said. So it's kind of cool. Yeah. Well, again, you know, it's a nice thing. But if I do have a chance to talk to Apatow, I'm going to have to sit him down and say, look, dude. What the fuck? You know, I did that one as a favor. Now the next role, you better hook a brother up with a big part.

Well, I'm looking forward to this guaranteed role in next season you're telling me about. Well, I think that he's going to end up, if this show continues, he's going to use many, many Comedy Cellar comics. I hope so. And if I were him, I would certainly utilize

Joe List, who is quite a unique, interesting individual. I was getting to you. I'm going to be done with comedy by then. And Lynn, of course, is a truly unique individual. What the fuck does that mean, Dan? What it means is you're doing something nobody's doing. What?

You're doing this whole Auntie Lynn thing that you do. Best rape joke in the biz. Auntie Lynn, you do a whole thing like, yeah, first of all, you're still beautiful, but you do this whole thing like, I used to be this super hot young girl, now I'm Auntie Lynn, and let me tell you young bitches what's up. And

it's a very unique point of view that you're bringing to the table. And nobody else is doing it, and you do it great. Thank you. And, you know, I mean, I think, do we have agreement over here? Absolutely. I'm a big fan. Lynn was always good, but now she's grown into this sort of character.

Well, even ten years ago, I remember someone saying Lynn is fearless. They were talking about you and Bill at Aspen. Bill who? Bill Burr. Bill Burr. And they were saying, well, you, yeah, or, you know, undeniable. Undeniably funny. Bill Burr said one of the funniest things to me anyone's ever said.

And that was, he was talking about some girls I had invited to lunch with us or something at Aspen. And he said to me, I said, well, she was nice. And he goes, you don't count. You don't get to say who's nice. You think everyone's nice. You're the one the serial killer would let live. And he's like, they'd find, like, all the duct tape and everything in the trunk, and you'd be like, he just needed to talk.

Who said that, Bill Burr? Yeah. I think he just needed to talk. Who said that, Bill Burr? Yeah. I think he's on to something. I wanted to talk about, Fish, you had a joke about Trump. Yes. Where you said that people always say that Trump is good for comedy. They keep saying Trump is great for comedy, yeah. You know, civilians even.

So your response to that is? Well, first of all, I would say we would gladly give it up. And secondly, I would say, is that really what you want? You know, like ruin a country, but boy, did we have a chuckle. And then I said saying Trump is great for comedy is like saying an abusive husband that knocks his wife out every night is great for her sleep schedule.

That's funny. That's the punchline. Good joke. Thanks, bud. But let's now dissect it. Let's dissect it. First of all, the country's not ruined yet. And if I can get a couple of jokes out of this character, I'm quite content. Now, let me put it to you this way, Johnny.

Yes. What if Trump being in office meant you got your own sitcom? Or whatever your dream might be in comedy. How would that be related? This is a hypothetical. Well, I'm saying that all of a sudden, Trump is not so bad after all. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

You're saying Trump is good for comedy, but we'd gladly give it up. Yeah. Not so fast. Well, because I'm saying at the level that we're talking about, it's like, you know, even just all the things that he did and, you know, the inauguration and the election and, like, everyone's creative juices are flowing. And you're even writing, it's helping you write in other topics, too. That's what I meant by that, I would say.

Like, I'd gladly give up this creative inspiration. But what if that creative inspiration led you to the great heights? Well, that's when you say sometimes, you know, you have to suffer to great. All of a sudden you'd be saying four more years. You're making good from a bad, you know. But I wouldn't, you know, it's like. I hear what you're saying. Yes, like Tig has this amazing, all these amazing things happening in her career right now.

But do you think she would want those things to happen that happened to her, that propelled her to... You're referring, of course, to... Again, you have to assume that our listeners are not necessarily comedy fans. That's why you're the host. Well, I'm just saying that Tig Notaro became well-known, famous, whatever she is,

in part because she had breast cancer and she talked about it on stage. Yes. And the set became... That became the stuff of legend, it on stage. Yes. And the set became... That became the stuff of legend, if you will. Yes. And I haven't spoken to Tig about it, but I think you're quite right. I don't think she would...

I think that was a very high price to pay. But we're not talking about breast cancer. Right. We're talking about an Iraqi guy that can't get into the country. And I'm saying... What if that leads to a sitcom? What if that leads to a sitcom? What if that leads to my sitcom? I like... I know you like to do this thing.

What was the last thing you did? I don't know. $30 million to never do stand-up again? Well, we'll get to that. I do want to discuss that. Oh, I'd love to discuss that. But I'm saying, you know, I came up with a Trump joke.

I thought this Trump... $30 million. Well, I'm going to... Give me $10,000. We're going to get to that. I do want to discuss that, by the way. And I didn't Trump... $30 million. Give me $10,000. We're going to get to that. I do want to discuss that, by the way. And I didn't offer you $30 million. What was it?

Five? Far less. Yeah, 10. Because that's an easy one. I don't do easy questions. $10,000 and a lobster dinner and I'll fucking see you boys. I guess what I'm saying is... Can we get to that now?

Yes, go ahead. Assuming Trump doesn't destroy the country utterly and entirely, which is a possibility. Nuclear holocaust. A nuclear holocaust. But even then. Well, then, yeah, I'll take the sitcom if he doesn't destroy the world or the country.

If I could come up with ten great super new minutes. People are going to really need your sitcom in a nuclear holocaust. Ten minutes is a whole lot different than a sitcom. Ten minutes or five minutes on Trump that went viral and made my career. I'd have to say I'm glad Trump's in office. Now, unless he does something so horrific, you know. But, you know, he hasn't yet, in my opinion.

How horrific? All right, so let's say this. And this is all hearsay. What do you call that? What's that word? Parenthetical? Hypothetical? Hypothetical.

Let's say you get a sitcom for five years, but gays are now prosecuted if it's found out they're gay. You're the richest sitcom star. These are two questions. Gays are prosecuted for being gay. Where are you at there?

This is the worst conversation. Do they get to know that you declined the sitcom and then they could be your fans? Oh, that's not bad. Can I get a yes-no answer? Obviously, I'd have to say no if you're giving me the choice.

What about not prosecuted, but gay marriage is illegal? But you get to be a sitcom star. They can still be gay. They just can't get married. Lynn is giving me such bad energy now. Well, you just got to answer real quick. You say gay people can't get married? I'm sorry, I'm not giving you bad energy because I really adore you, so I don't want to give you bad energy.

They're not allowed to get married, but you're a sitcom star. Trump says no more Laura the Land, no gay marriage. You know what? I'd probably be happier being a sitcom star with no gay marriage, but I couldn't do that to my dear gay friends. That's very nice of you. Okay, now... I'm sorry. Now we can move on.

I'm exhausted. I had a long day. You had a long day. I've got neck arthritis. Is that real? You do? Do you want me to rub your neck for you? You've been diagnosed? I went to the doctor because my shoulder don't move. I've got a frozen shoulder. Do you want me to rub it for you? Yeah, but you can't rub it from where you're sitting.

You can certainly rub it later. I'll rub it for you. This weekend. And I have this wonderful... Over brunch with Brooke Shields. Shut up. But, no, I went to the doctor for... You know, I'm 47. This is what happens. Everything falls apart.

Yeah, it does. I had a frozen shoulder. I can't move. And he says, oh, you got arthritis in your neck. I said, I want a second opinion. He said, you're ugly. Maybe it was too much cunnilingus. That's an ope.

Oh, come on, Lynn. What? That's a wonderful, corny old bit. I'm sorry. It's hilarious. I'm laughing inside. The point is it's not hilarious. It's corny, but the hilarious part is that I anyhow.

No, go on. Talk more about the nuclear holocaust. Well, Lynn, if there's anything you'd want to discuss do you want to talk about how much it would take for you to not do comedy again I mean right now

yeah not much well I was having no go on go on I want to hear about what you want to I'll listen

I'm sorry I'm bad well no I wouldn't I do want to discuss first of all I have to point out that Noam left me in the lurch. And Chris Montella quit. She did? Yeah, she quit.

So she's not here anymore. So it's just me facing three hostile witnesses. Well, I mean, you have to understand. I was literally called, asked to come in. I got here. You guys were like, oh, we thought you were going to let's talk about why you didn't bring Brooke. No, I didn't say

why didn't you bring Brooke. I said you have a friendship with Brooke. I thought that was interesting. Yeah, I mean, it's a new friendship. Then we moved on to Liz's marriage. Then we moved on to John Fish's bit about Trump. So, you know, these are just, I thought it was an interesting

thing, and now, you know, I mean, it's not easy to fill the hour. I mean, frozen shoulder will only take you so far. Neck arthritis will buy you two minutes. I was curious to see how far you would let your career go in exchange for these Trump rules. But you're talking about

here's the thing. There's two questions. Number one is if I had to make a decision, gay people can't get married, but you become a star, I would have to choose not becoming a star. Right. If you're asking in what world would I be more happy in? A world where gay people can't get married, but I'm a star? Or a world

where gay people can get married, but I gotta do bananas Poughkeepsie this weekend? And I'm telling you... You don't want that on your conscience. ...that I would be happier in the gay people can't get married, but... But you're not going to do that. Well, we've discussed that,

but what would you allow to happen in exchange for your sitcom that you wouldn't be upset about? If I was making the decision, that means you came to me and said, Dan, you decide whether you become a star and this thing happens. I'd say that probably the least thing I would say that people that make cakes have a right not to make cakes for gay marriage. If they want to.

I would say, well, I'll let that happen in exchange for a good career. Because you can get a cake somewhere else. Right. I don't understand why you would want to eat a cake. And that's another thing. From people that didn't want to make you a cake. I don't want to eat somebody's hate cake at my wedding.

Hate, hate cake. Hate cake is not going to be good. Hate cake is going to have jizz and awful stuff in it. I like a cake with jizz either way. Sorry, that was too much. I got lovemaking on my mind. Are you going to be making love tonight?

No. I don't know about tonight. Maybe I'll try. But there's certain nights where I know lovemaking is going down, but it's not in the air right now, but it certainly is a chance. But not guaranteed. You know what I mean? You go a few days, and it's Saturday, and you both have nothing to do the next day,

you're probably going to get laid that night. But right now it's up in the air. I hope so. I always hope to get laid or make love. I like how you go from lovemaking to getting laid. Well, that's the same thing, really. Well, again, what we discussed at the top of the show is that lovemaking and getting laid are not the same thing.

Dan doesn't think it's the same. Well, I mean, lovemaking is what, you know, is what you did, what they used to do in the 70s. But the activity is the same. It just depends on who you're talking about. It's where Dr. Hook, what are you looking kind of lonely, girl? Would you like someone new? That's lovemaking.

That's like the difference between saying somebody's hot. Now, what you're going to do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk, that's not lovemaking. Or loving you is easy because you lovemaking. That's lovemaking. That's like the difference between saying somebody's hot. Now, what you're going to do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk, that's not lovemaking. Or loving you is easy because you love me. Yeah, that's lovemaking. That's lovemaking. So, Danny, what's your line in the sand? Can we talk about that?

Okay. I want to. What's your line in the sand sexually? Well, my line in the sand in terms of what? You meet a woman tonight at the bar after this, after this hot podcast, she sees you as a fucking you know

talent that's been overlooked over all these years, comes over to you and says anything you want, Dan Matterman. So you're saying what's my line in the sand meaning what I won't do? Yeah, what would you say, okay, I want everything but I'm not going to know. Well, it depends on the girl.

It depends on the young lady. We didn't say if she was young or not. Well, it depends on the lady. Oh, yeah, she's 85. It depends on the lady. The line in the sand might be I don't want to do anything if it's not a woman that I find attractive. No, but you find her attractive. Super duper attractive?

Yeah. I don't... You know, we were talking about the butt earlier. I prefer not to do that. For various reasons. Not the least of which is a potential mess. Now you've got that shoulder to worry about, too.

Let's not forget. Well, yeah, I'm in the shape I'm in. The shape I'm in. The shape I'm in. I should probably be on the bottom. Because I'm an old arthritic man. But, yeah, I typically don't do the butt. Now, I remember.

I hate being on the top. I hate that. Well, why would you hate that? I'm old and bigger, and everything's sloppy and floppy. I don't want to be on top anymore. That's a young girl's position. Well, I think you're top worthy. I'll be top backwards, like reverse cowgirl.

Oh, reverse cowgirl. I love that. That's just his signature move. I, reverse cowgirl. I love that. That's just his signature move. I'm a big fan. I love it. I'll do that. You can watch TV. Well, I think you're plenty top-worthy.

Thank you. You know, in my estimation. Well, you guys are really click and sweet to each other. Well, Dan... Dan and I have been friends for a long time. I do feel like I insulted Lynn with the whole Brooke thing. You did not.

I mean, first of all, she would have come tonight. She's giving a speech in Florida. Otherwise, she would have come. In fact, she even wrote me and tried to see if she could get out early

so she could come back early. And so she would have come. So she'll come another time. And you'll meet her. Well, I'd like to meet her, yeah. And I'd like her to meet you because I told her how funny you were and she would love to see you.

She's a big fan. Joe List, I believe you're 30-something. I'll be 35 in a couple of weeks. So you don't really get it. But you see, back in the 70s, Brooke Shields was it. Oh, I'm familiar

with Brooke Shields, yeah. You know, she... Yeah, but she was... I mean, like, I know you're familiar with her, but like, she was... She's iconic for us.

Carrie Fisher, all of them out of the water. Like, she really was like... For us, she's iconic. Now, I don't know, you're from the 30s. Girls and boys. You're from the 30s. Maybe Punky Brewster she's iconic. Now, I don't know, you're from the 30s. Girls and boys. You're from the 30s.

Maybe Punky Brewster was for you the thing. I don't know what went on. Yeah. Now, you wouldn't know about my generation. But my generation... People can't understand

other people's generations. That's for sure. Well, there is a 30s... You know, here in the comedy world, I'm trying to relate it back to comedy as much as I can. There is this invasion

of the 30-somethings. Now, me, John, and I don't want to reveal Lynn's age, but I'm 40-something. I'm 49. Lynn is 49 and still looking good. Very good. Why are you looking at me like that?

I mean, I don't think I am, but I think that's okay because I'm going through menopause and I'm older and, you know, I'm just embracing who I am. Well, here we got these... Now, Joe List, the other night, through menopause, and I'm older, and I'm just embracing who I am. Well, here we got these two. Now, Joe List, the other night, you said to me, you said, I got off stage, you said, wow, great stuff, or whatever you said. All right.

I don't know what it was. You said something. Joe's very supportive. And I said to you, I got to be. You know why? You. Because these 30-something comics are all coming on strong. But I feel that way about the 20-something comics.

It's a very competitive field. Well, the 20-something comics. It's a very competitive field. The 20-something comics, most of them are just too green to go anywhere. But they're gunning. They're coming. Can I say something for these 30-something comics? They're generous. They're generous people. They want to bring us all

with them. They're looking to... I was talking to Jermaine Fowler. He's for, they're looking to, you know, I was talking to Jermaine Fowler, he's like, we're going to get everybody on the show.

Like, they want to help everybody out. They want to get everybody, I think that's sweet. I think they're way more generous

than we ever were. Well, I didn't have much generosity to give at that time. Whether I would have been generous or not, I hope I would have been.

I'd like to think of myself as that kind of person. But you've got people like List and Mark Norman and who else we got? Sean Donnelly. Sam Morrill. Gary Veeder.

And there's sweeter, there are kinder group than we were. Do you think so? Oh my God. We're on the road. I don't know about this Norman character. Now he's nice enough. Mark Norman and Joe List are throwing a fucking orange in the green room. Yeah. And aggravating, aggravating beyond belief.

This is the first I'm hearing of this. No, you know this. And they're having fun and they're throwing it. And we're getting ready and we're opening for Louis. And Mark Norman said something about me, whether under his breath, whether or not I was a squirter or something. Oh, yes. And I pull, you know,

I'm going through menopause. It was hot in this green room and I kind of pulled myself together because I was worried about this orange going to hit me in the head at the first roll like a baseball. But it was funny to watch, right? So next thing I know,

Norman, about a half hour later, comes into the room where I'm getting ready, and he's like, I'm sorry. Did I insult you or hurt your feelings? And I said, what the fuck are you talking about? I didn't even know what he was talking about.

And he goes, what I said about the squirting thing. I go, no, it was the fucking orange that was behind me. I was afraid I was going to get hit with that orange. And he goes, oh, okay, I'm sorry. And so then I come, no, it was the fucking orange that was behind me. I was afraid I was going to get hit with that orange. And he goes, oh, okay, I'm sorry. Then I come back in, and this one. List.

List goes, hey, I'm sorry about the orange. I'm like, oh, my God, you guys are so funny. We grew up with Patrice in there. Who would have then hit you with the orange? Who would have been like fucking get over yourself? I don't know if this generation has a Patrice in the 30 something generation they don't they don't have

they don't have an Attell either I don't think Attell David Tell you know what I mean I mean that as a compliment that was all like kind towards you guys

because I thought it was very sweet I thought you guys were sweet and cute about it I'm excited to be here I'm a little nervous I get nervous on stage mostly because I'm self conscious

about my looks and a lot of you are probably like how come you're adorable and I appreciate that that's what you were thinking if you laughed out loud probably you weren't thinking that I'm mostly self-conscious about my teeth I was talking to my buddy the other day I was confiding in him I was like man I'm really self-conscious about my teeth and then he looked at him and he goes dude all you need is some crest whitening strips I was like thanks thanks, man.

I'm actually self-conscious that they're crooked. But what the hell? Let's throw yellow in there. That's like somebody going, hey, do I look fat in this? I'm like, well, you've gotten uglier, so it's hard to say. I'm like, oh, all right. I got self-conscious. I got new glasses recently.

I feel good about them, though. I didn't get an eye exam for 12 years. It's a long time to go without an eye exam, right? Do you know why I didn't get an eye exam for 12 years? I thought that I could not afford an eye exam. And then I went to get an eye exam. Do you guys know an eye exam costs $40 in New York City? I showed up with $2,000 in my pocket.

I saved up for a decade like an orphan with all of my money. I was like, just let me see again. They're like, that'll be $40. I was like, are you fucking with me? Probably should have Googled that at some point. I was skipping meals throughout my 20s. People were like, do you want to go to Chipotle? I'm like, I'm saving up for eyesight,

but maybe one day, we'll see. My friend told me I should get contact lenses. People always tell you that as though you've never heard of contact. Like, you ever heard of contacts? I'm like, what is this? Contact lenses? And I tell him, I? Like, what is this? Contact? And I tell him,

I'm like, I'm too nervous about putting my finger in my eye. My buddy goes, well, you should get laser eye surgery then. Hmm. Well, that's a good progression.

I'm nervous about having, putting my finger in my eye. Maybe I should have a stranger shoot a laser into it. That's like going to the doctor and being like, I'm afraid of needles. Would you mind stabbing

the blood out of me? I appreciate it. Well, these people you're naming, Patrice and Attell, are once-in-a-lifetime guys. Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying. Well, Patrice would probably be about 48 by now.

Attell is about 50 by now, 51. But we haven't seen Attell since, I don't think. I mean, has there been anyone in these further generations? Is there an Attell in the, even in our generation? There's no other. You know, one night I was here working. It was one of the moments when I, like, weird comedy moments.

And I went home. It was like 3 in the morning, and Attell called me. It was when Joan was alive. And he said, hey, he's asking me about the road and um asked me about sanford and sounds or something and i i told him and and then about 20 minutes into the conversation i realized i think he's just bored like he's just up late and i made a conversation with david tell so in my mind, I'm like, fucking David Tell and I are just having, like, are we friends now?

Like, this is so exciting to me. So I stay on the phone with him until my phone literally starts to die. Like, it's getting hot and it's dying. And I'm like, you know, Dave, I gotta go. Yeah. I gotta hang up with him. And I'm like, that was one of the coolest things ever.

But, and I called Debbie Perlman of our age and I told Debbie that's really cool and I thought how many people do I have in my life that I can tell who will understand that that's cool do you know what I mean like it's just because he

in our class he was like the biggest man on campus let me ask you this John is raising his hand so In our class, he was like the biggest man on campus. Let me ask you this. John is raising his hand. I addressed the, yes, the. So you knew Attell was Attell when he was 35? I mean, when I first saw, I mean, of course, my judgment there, I guess I was a little less comedy savvy.

But, yeah, since when I was in my 20s, Attell was already considered holy shit Dave Attell. So you're saying who's the guy, who's the woman that they go on, everybody goes down and watches.

Yes, in the 30-somethings. Daffigan, Attell, Geraldo. Among the 30-somethings, is there such a person? Because Attell was already Attell when he was like 30. No, I think Attell

is still that guy. I don't think we have a guy that's young. Right, you're saying nobody's come since Attell. I don't think, not to that level, I don't think. Yeah, well, I would agree with you. Maybe Louis for you guys, don't you think have a guy that's young. You're saying nobody's come since Attell. I don't think. Not to that level, I don't think. Yeah, well, I would agree with you.

Maybe Louis for you guys, don't you think? Yeah, but Louis started before Attell. But Louis is also 48 years old. Right. So Louis is also that generation. Well, you know, my money's on the list over here. Well, I'm trying very hard. But speaking of money, let's make a hard segue, if we could, back to that question.

The question I had asked you, I had asked you, I think, there was a couple of questions, but how much to sell your entire act? So you could still do stand-up, but every joke you've ever written, how much would you sell it for, the minimum price? If I offered you, say, half a million dollars for every joke you've ever written, would you take that offer? Can I keep one, like a few favorites? I don't think you heard me.

That I've been in the last, that I've written in the last six months? I don't believe you understood the question. No, I'm just sort of bargaining. The question is every joke you've ever written. And he gets no credit? Or those are just dead jokes? Those are dead jokes. They're dead jokes.

Nobody used them. They go into the dead joke file, and you get your half a million, and that's the half a million. But if anyone sees them or hears them, he gets credit. They're still his jokes. I suppose.

Tax-free. I suppose. I'll make it tax-free. Yeah, I can do that. How about you, Lynn? Million. You say a million's the minimum? I think I would do half,

if it's tax-free, which basically is a million. I would do that in a heartbeat, because all the jokes I have, I either don't use. The ones I use currently, I'm going to try to put on a special, and that special is certainly not going to pay $500,000. Right. That's why I was like, can I keep this two or three jokes that I actually like doing still? Okay, now let's change the question now. A little more complicated, or a little more difficult.

You never do stand-up comedy again. You're finished as a stand-up comic. You can podcast. You can do my podcast. You can write. You can write. You can act. You cannot do stand-up comedy.

And I'm going to offer you a million dollars to never do stand-up again. Should we make it tax-free, Lynn? Yeah. Make it tax-free. Tax-free. Let me call the dealer. Hold on a second. This will be like deal or no deal.

Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Okay, I'll tell him. A million dollars tax-free. I would probably do it. Because as we've discussed before, I'm more into the writing of the joke.

So I would be able to still write jokes. I just couldn't do them on stage myself. That's correct. Yeah. That's correct. You can write them. Knock yourself out. Yeah.

God bless you. I mean, I could be a writer for somebody or something. Well, you certainly could. But you're never getting on that stage again. I mean, you know, you can come down here and hang out, I guess. You're not sitting at this table. Well, then that's a different story, Dan. You know, we'll say, oh, there's John.

You can sit next to it. I have to do the podcast from over there. Oh, you're not going to be invited on the podcast. You're not going to do the podcast. He just said I could do the podcast. Well, I lied. But it's too late. You made the deal.

No, Joey? I think I'd have to say no to that because my mental health is an issue, and I'm a bit of a nut, but I feel the best in my life after I've performed stand-up comedy. And I have a fair amount of money in the bank, and I make an okay living doing comedy, so I'm going to keep doing comedy because I enjoy the performance. We'll talk to you in ten years. Lynn? I'm taking the deal. I would act and write, and I would just tell funny stories to sick children.

A million dollars goes pretty quick. You're relying on this writing job. This is a million tax-free dollars. That's number one. Right. Okay, that's a lot of money. You invest that in good quality government paper, blue chip stock, and real estate. Yeah, you're not going to Tracy Morgan it.

I'm not getting rimmed. What Natterman said was very important. He said, see you in 10 years. I've been doing this for 17, 18 years. Not as long as you, Danny. Not far. I don't like you calling me an old relic. No, you just have been doing it longer.

But I also feel like I get considered less in the game because I came from Boston. You know, I had like a few years there. But it is kind of a young man's game running around, traveling. Can I ask you a question, though? Go ahead, Lynn Koblitz has the floor. What if you could trade your level of success right now, wherever you perceive it to be, for the exact same level of success in a similar art that is not a comedy and not acting. So you could be a musician, a pastor, an artist, an actual painter. A pastor?

Yeah, like maybe a reverend. But like one of those big evangelical ones. You get to be able to be really... I have no interest in that, but go ahead. But I'm trying to think of things that still put you in the... So you could be a musician. But you'd be at the same level you are now. You would be more famous.

You'd be as famous as you are. Maybe an artist. An actual visual artist. Musician. Songwriter. What would you trade it for? I have to trade it for one other... Oh, that's easy for me.

Or musician. Piano player. Singer. I would like to be a sports broadcaster. Yes, that's great. Touchdown. That's interesting. I would like to be a sports broadcaster. Yes, that's great. Hey, touchdown. That's interesting. I love that. That's perfect for you.

Yeah, but is that an artist? I don't know. Yes. You count that. I take that. I take that. Definitely, I would take, I just don't take actor because I think comics and actors are close.

But I would even take a news anchor. Fish, what would you do? I love that for you, Joe. I think that was honest. Thank you. Good answer. Good answer. Gosh, that is tough.

Good answer, Joe. I don't know. I guess maybe leaning towards like a sculptor or something like that. Oh, and that's interesting. What about a sports writer? You like sports? You're a writer? I do like that.

I think I would take comedy writer. No, it can't have to do with comedy. You can be like a spoken word poet. Oh, okay. Well, no, I'm not going to take spoken word poet. I've seen you do spoken word poetry a couple times. Well, I'm one of the best. Right downstairs here.

You could be a non-comedy writer. What would the equivalent of a musician be at our level? What would that be exactly? I think that would be pretty successful. I think it would be like somebody who plays jazz brunches. No. Wouldn't that be like a wedding? Are we wedding singers?

No. You'd end up being a band of horses, I think. Like a good band. I would say like Dave Matthews' band. Dave Matthews is pretty big. Yeah, he's playing stadiums, but definitely a touring, successful band because you've got to go percentile. If you consider all comedians, all four of successful band because you've got to go percentile.

If you consider all comedians, all four of us are in the top one or two percentile. I was going to say, we're not as low as you think we are. Yeah, I don't even know. What about Starland Vocal Band? Would that be our level? Because I'll take that. I mean, but modern version. I don't want to be having, you know, Starland Vocal Band. Afternoon Delight.

Oh, yeah. Going to fly, baby, going to hold her tight. Going to make some afternoon delight. Now, musicians, there's a bigger following. So if you say I can have a couple of hits, and I would take a musician, sure. Musicians have a bigger following than comedians, because music is a bigger art form than comedy. But if you go by percentage of where we're following than comedians Because music is a bigger art form than comedy But if you go by a percentage of where we're at

Considering comedians The level of our success in comedy Is a higher level of success in music I would be an evangelical minister Well There aren't a lot of women in that line of work But that would be interesting I would like that

I'd have my own show What did you say Danny? I said a musician. He'd be a musician. A musician. Given if my level of music would be somebody with maybe a few hits, you know. I think so. Maybe the Hooters.

You know, remember the Hooters? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Something like, you know, at that level, I'd probably take the Hooters. Hmm. What was their big one? Their big one was... Right on the tip.

Their big one was Where Did the Children Go? And We Danced. And We Danced. How about this? You can never do comedy again, or you can never have sex again. You can do comedy but not have sex, or you can have sex and not do comedy. I'd never have sex again. That's a tricky one, right? Well, by never have sex, are you including all masturbation?

Not masturbation, with someone else involved. You can masturbate and do comedy. We're almost there. Can you have oral sex? No oral sex, unless you can do it by yourself. You're saying no interaction... Which is the next question. Look at the mouth on this man.

That's just mean. That's just mean to give him luscious lips like that and tell him he can't have oral sex. You're saying no interaction with the opposite sex of any kind. Physical. Yeah, physical interaction. You can fight him. Or never do comedy.

I must say. I think we're going full circle. You can't make love, but you can have sex. But I can. Well, let's say intercourse. I guess you can get a nice blowjob occasionally. You know, you really back down, Les. You can't get a blowjob.

I'm sorry, the phone's not working with the deal guy. If the answer is, it would be hard either way, I must say, because my only source of income comes from karma. How am I going to make a living if I can't? You can fuck for a living. I can fuck for a living, okay. Okay, what about this? You could be Donald Trump's personal comedian.

Like at the White House. Like the White House comedy jester. Like an old school jester. Right. Do I have to wear the jester outfit? No, but you'd want to. And make a lot of money. Or you have to work at like Gladys'

comedy room for the rest of your life and make nothing. But you can do whatever you want. There's no limitations. You can make fun of him. You can do whatever you want. Oh, if I can make fun of him? But the only gigs I get are Donald Trump gigs. In other words, that's all I get. I've got to be Donald Trump's personal... Right.

That's it. It's only Donald Trump. Right. And you're pro-Trump all the way. You can never make fun of him. It's all... I thought you said I could make fun of him. No, because you're like his jester.

Like his personal monkey. No, if you're at Gladys' you can make fun of him. Oh. Yeah, at Gladys' you can do whatever you want. Oh, that's so hard. Suicide is not a third option. And you'd make a decent living as Trump's monkey. I don't think I could be Trump's monkey.

I guess I've got to go to Gladys'. But that would be a difficult decision, obviously. It really would be. As much as I love Gladys'. You actually look upset about this. Because that's really a no-win situation. You actually look upset about this. Well, yeah. Because that's really a no-win situation. You're asking me? Yeah, you're completely impoverished.

Or be Trump's bitch. So, I mean, this is a, you know, I mean. It's a lose-lose, as they say. It's a lose-lose situation. So, you know. I don't know. You can fuck all you want. Well, that was a separate question.

Yeah, I know. How about you, sex or comedy? That's tricky. But you can masturbate. You can. Yes, you can. Now, I'm thinking I do comedy, and I masturbate with my wife in the room. Can I do that?

Well, yeah, but your wife, she could end up leaving you because, you know, you can't provide her with... Well, she could always, you know, jam dildos inside her body. Well, I think you'd have to talk that over with your wife and say, look, I got this deal. I know it sounds crazy. This guy came up to me after a show. I think she'd say, take the deal. She said, you know, I can do comedy, but I can't have sex with you or, you know. But once again, I'd be saying you can't have sex anymore,

but we can still continue to have an apartment. I mean, I make a living here. Can I change it to... John has another scenario. You only get to do the one that you choose. So you can do comedy, whatever, and once a year you can have sex. Or you can have sex and sex and sex, and once a year you get to do comedy. You know, John, I'm going to level with you straight up.

I don't have sex that much more than once a year. So you would take that. The last time I had sex was, oh, my God. Oh, boy. Arthritis. I got oral sex a few months back, but, yeah, it's been a while. That's nice. You received oral sex with no other.

Huh? I'm going to bounce out to the... What are you doing? Tom Papa's Village Underground show. Okay, well, have fun. But thanks for having me, guys. Good to see you. Good to see you. I don't know if Joe knows all this about you, Dan,

but Danny's quite the renaissance man. Like, you know, he's a pilot. Oh, wow. Well, I have that... I have a pilot license. I haven't used it in a long time for financial reasons. Mm-hmm.

And the arthritis can't help. Pardon? That arthritis can't help the joystick. I have a pilot license. I haven't used it in a long time for financial reasons. Mm-hmm. And the arthritis can't help. Pardon? That arthritis can't help the joystick. No, the arthritis. I don't really feel it usually, but every now and again there's a jolt in my arm.

Every now and again it's like, ah! You know, there's like a jolt. I feel it in my arm. I see. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It just, you know, but... Now, you're a guy. Let me ask you this while we have time because I'm going to go. You seem like a guy... Now, you're a guy.

Let me ask you this while we have time, because I'm going to go. You seem like a guy... Well, we're almost done. We've got seven to eight, you know. You seem like a guy that doesn't get that much joy out of making people laugh. I mean, I'm belly laughing over here, and you look just unaffected by it. If I got a laugh like that, I'd be on the wall, off the moon, whatever the term is. Well, I don't show it.

You know, I'm like, you know, I'm laughing on the inside, off the moon, whatever the term is. Well, I don't show it. I'm laughing on the inside. I agree with you. My best therapy is comedy. And when I have a good set with a new joke, that can carry me 20, 30 minutes. But I see you on stage, it doesn't look like you're having that much fun. Afterwards I say, what a great set, I'm a big fan. You go, buh, and then you kind of walk away. You're getting laughs here. You look very unaffected by it.

Well, there's truth to what you say. I've been at this a long time, Joe. Me too, by the way. You guys are talking to me like I'm 17 years in here. Are you 17? Yeah. I'm not some guy that just showed up. You started at 18?

I started at 18, and I'm 35 now. Wow. Yeah, but you're hopeful and positive and sweet, and that's what we're responding to. Yeah. But there's some truth you're saying. There's some truth to what I'm saying. I've been doing this a long time, so the thrill is not going to be what it was when I was 25 or 30. But no, I do feel very good if I have a new joke that works. That, to me, is the greatest thrill, a new joke that works.

An old joke that works, eh. You know, who cares? I would say you're one of my favorite comedians. Well, thank you so is the greatest thrill. A new joke that works. An old joke that works. Eh. Yeah. You know, who cares? I would say you're one of my favorite comedians. Well, thank you so much. Mine, too. I appreciate it. Without a doubt.

Like, I actually, if I see that Dan's on the lineup, I will watch him. Me, too. My girlfriend, as well. We're all big fans. I tell friends to watch him. Like, I'll be like, oh, Dan's here. Let's stay and watch him. Here's something you need to know about me.

I hate to be insulted, but I don't love compliments either. I like that sweet zone where I'm being ignored. Yes. Yeah, but I mean, right now, I'm not blowing smoke at you, but I mean, I'm just telling you. I'm just saying. Hey, I'm not trying to blow cum on your ass. I'm just saying I think you're a terrific comedian. Well, thank you, Joe.

And I haven't seen you in a while, but I enjoy what you do as well. Thank you very much. And Lynn knows she's one of the greatest. I have an album out. You know what? I honestly don't care. Yeah. You don't care.

That's so weird. I just don't care. I care that people laugh, but I don't care if somebody comes up to me and goes I don't think you were the funniest I don't I honestly just you know

no one ever sees me write, I write a lot but I don't write in public really, I always just kind of do it on my own and I just feel like this is a great job to be able to have. You know what I mean? I don't really care public opinion about it.

I just care that people laugh when I'm down there. Well, that is public opinion. If they're laughing, that's their opinion. Yeah, but I'm talking about that shut-in opinion on Instagram. Right.

You know what I mean? Well, not really, because if you want the audience to laugh, you want their approval. When you're on stage, yes. But you don't care about... I'm talking about people who don't always really know your act and don't really know... When we're commenting on each other, I can tell you, I think Joe List is hilarious. I've watched his act a million times now

and I know where I speak. Some fuck-not friend of Table 3. I'm sorry, can I not curse on this? Yeah, of course you can. This is the internet, baby. I mean, this is satellite radio. Well, it's both. Yeah, but like some other

You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't care about an uninformed Yeah, okay, I hear what you're saying You know what I'm saying? I'm in the dog park one day talking to someone And she said exactly what you just said about Trump She goes, the Trump thing That's got to be giving you guys lots of material

And I go, you know, right there I don't find it very funny Like, I'm not at a place where I can laugh about it, really. So she goes, well, what do you tell jokes about? I go, I don't know. And the only thing I could think was my rape joke. So I said, I don't know. I have a joke about rape that does well.

And she goes, well, I don't think that's funny at all. And I was like, well, you haven't even heard the joke. Well, fuck that lady. And she goes, don't be defensive. And I was talking about this with Louie. He goes, I hate when people say don't be defensive because they're being offensive. Right. That's why you're being defensive.

Right. Well, that lady sucks. That's what I say to that. Are you going to make love tonight, Joe? I'm going to try. I'm going to try my damnedest to make love tonight. Do you ever sneak it in on her? Like, do you ever just, like, kind of poke her with it?

No, I just say, hey, how do you feel about making love? And then she'll say, I don't feel like it. And I'll say, all right. Or she'll go, all right, fine, let's do it. Now, were you the kind of people that, like, she's like, and I'm always curious when people have been dating a long time, like, where she's like, let me take a shower. Are you like, do you have to, like, get all cleaned up?

No. She likes to have sex before a shower so she can shower after and clean up. Yeah. Interesting. I like it anyway. You guys live together. We do. Okay. Yeah, we live and love and we just like it anyway. You guys live together. We do. Okay.

Yeah, we live and love and we just share it all. And there's been about a year going on? What, the engagement or the relationship? The relationship. The relationship's six years. Oh, okay. Okay. And we've lived together since May.

But before that, we lived two blocks apart. And she's a comic. She's a comedian. A wonderful comedian. She is? Yes. Her name is Sarah Talamash. Wonderful.

Lynn, I don't think, dates... Well, she has in the past. But I think most of her boyfriends have not been comedians. Not really. They've been gorgeous hunks. You know, Lynn dates young, beautiful boys. I usually... I like a young, beautiful guy.

And I'll take an old, sad one, too. But lately, I like a young, beautiful guy. But, you know, I'll take an old, sad one, too. But lately, I'm not, you know, I've kind of been seeing someone, but I'm not really interested. I'm happy hanging out with the dog and writing. Yeah, I think

I did see you with somebody recently. I think, I don't know. I don't know if that was a love interest or what have you. Young guy. All right. Yeah. Anyway, we actually are finished for the evening. We're out of time.

Are we? Yeah. Yeah. I've got to run to another comedy. I've got to run to another comedy gig. Where are you going? I'm back here again. Okay.

Yeah. Very exciting night. Very exciting life here In the comedy world Say hi to Sarah for us I will We thank I'd like to thank John Fish

Who is somewhere else Joe List And Lynn Coplitz Thank you Tanny Yeah thanks for having us Well thank you for coming It's a pleasure Good to see you Joe

Nice to see you I enjoyed being here Well thank you And we enjoyed having you Now we'll be back Next week With another episode Of the Comedy Selling Show On XM And maybe I'll bring Brooke I enjoyed being here well thank you and we enjoyed having you now we'll be back next week with another episode of the Comedy Selling Show

on XM and maybe I'll bring Brooke well it's up to you we don't need her but if she wants to come