The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Mark Normand and Lindsey Jenningz

Episode Date: May 15, 2020

Mark Normand and Lindsey Jenningz

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, Live from the Table, the official podcast of New York's world-famous comedy cellar coming at you on SiriusXM 99 Raw Dog and also on podcast on the Ride uh, right. Cast network. This is Dan Natterman here with Noam Dorman, owner of the comedy seller, Perry Alash and brand, the producer of live from the table.

COVID survivor, COVID survivor, Perry Alash. Allegedly, but, uh, certainly possible with us is Lindsay Jennings. She is a comedian.

She is a burlesque dancer. She has an only fans page, for erotic content as well. And Mark Norman is here, comedy star, regular. Hey, hey. He's coming to us from outside because his girlfriend won't let him back in the house or something. I don't know what's going on. It's a little tense. I'll just say that.

It's getting ugly in there. Mark is wearing a mask, but he's taking it off. You have a girlfriend? Uh, yeah, yeah, I guess.

I don't know. I got a plus size lady living in my house and eating my food. I gotth Avenue. Oh yes, you're the college teller. Well, Mark, I know does well with the ladies. I'm glad to see that he's found the right one. Giving up his life of debauchery to something more meaningful, more rich. Can you certainly applaud that? Yeah, those were the days.

So, Noam, I don't know what you want to start off with. Usually we do a little rundown about how everybody's doing in quarantine. I don't know if you want to do that. I'm doing bad, Dan. I'm doing real bad. It looks like we won't be open. It could be a year. Wow.

Who said that? i say that because um the the uh it looks like a a a comedy club might be one of the worst uh the least the least good places to go what is that is that what's that uh they're all hearing mark is outside and everybody's cheering for the, the, I'm sorry. It's over. It's good.

It's ending now. Sorry. That's great. It's nice to, we should have a moment for them to hear. No, there's no new information. This is just you.

Yeah. Yeah. there is. There's kind of like this creeping conclusion that densely populated, not greatly ventilated spaces are not good. It was kind of what I said to that dude. I don't know that that's news, though. Yeah, phase five.

It seems like you're going to have to open at like 50 capacity or something but of course like the places that are taking it seriously are the places that stand up matters the most like in la and new york so florida's doing shows already probably and texas i do have an idea all right is that we do have underutilized spaces. We have the olive tree and we have the fat-like pussycat, the main room of the fat-like pussycat. I suppose that we could put half-capacity comedy

shows in the olive tree, half-capacity shows in the comedy cellar, and half-capacity show in the underground, and half-capacity show in the fat-like pussycat and get pretty close to, I mean, three, almost three quarters of the way towards a full capacity legal occupancy. And then we'd have to figure out, you know, um, how much, how little to play the comedian, you know, but, uh,

Is the Vegas location open? Um, Lindsay, did you come here to be a downer and ask, and ask difficult questions? Is the Vegas location open? Lindsay, did you come here to be a downer and ask difficult questions? I don't know if you, okay. I'm going to look this up for you guys while you guys are talking about something. But MGM Casino has an article about

precautions to reopen. And it seems so preposterous. I just can't believe... This is it. Okay. This is what they were going to do. They're going to have six foot distancing between the tables at restaurants

and people on the casino floor. Six feet between people gambling, plexiglass barriers are eye-protected for all employees there's just no way it's not going to happen they don't know what they're going to do for the shows there's going to be no more

no more buffets oh no hand washing all over the casino floor oh the waitresses are going to be Oh, no. Hand-washing all over the casino floor. Oh. I mean... The waitresses are going to be carrying, like, bowls of water and soap. I mean, why would anybody go to Vegas?

Like, it's like... It's just going to be, like, total gambling... What do you call people addicted to gambling? Gamblers. Gambleholics. Gambling addicts is the term that's used all the

total compulsive gamblers I mean you go to Vegas to see a show and have fun you're not gonna go in this I think

to the answer lenses I think I think Comedy Cellar Vegas is is on a respirator how do you get a happy ending with no touching you know

it's Sin City for Christ's sake I can't wash my hands no one tends to be a doomsayer, a Cassandra, if you will. I am not! I think you do, but not that you're wrong that this isn't a difficult situation, but I'm still optimistic that things will come back and that the cellar Vegas will rise again.

I'm not a Cassandra or whatever. You're a Pollyanna! Is that the right one? Well, that's the opposite of a Cassandra, yes. Yeah, yeah. I imagine now, Lindsay, your business, which you have various businesses, including live performing, but not limited to live performing. You also have videos, and I imagine that business is booming right now. I'm fucking killing it right now.

I'm making so much money. Really? Yeah, I'm chilling, man. I'm making, cause I just like have been putting more effort into that stuff too. Cause normally I'd be out all the time doing standup or I was supposed to be

on tour in Canada with the Suicide Girls for all of last month. Obviously that didn't happen. Now we're set to tour for all of next year which i'm like is very ambitious of them to like well we had tour scheduled but they moved our canada tour to next year and i'm like that just seems unrealistic because who knows if we're even gonna be open but yeah so i was like i need to make the same money i would have made on tour like at home and then that was my goal last month and I made it so now I'm wow tell everybody what you do because not everybody necessarily saw the last time you were on tell everybody what you do

well I think it's funny that Dan said I'm a burlesque dancer because I haven't done that in years I started with Suicide Girls dancing but um I actually tour manage for them now but I'm also the opener so I open with a half hour stand- up and then we have a burlesque tour. We do like an hour and a half of the girls dancing and stuff. Suicide Girls is a company of naked models. If you haven't heard of them and we do a burlesque tour all over the world. It's pretty cool. It's like the only professional dancing tour ever without a musical artist. Yeah.

But how do you make money now? How do you make money now? I actually, I haven't even gotten into camming yet which i'm about to because i'm well it's like basically the same thing i'm trying to get into the i was looking up how much money the top one percent makes today and uh i can make it into the top 10 by the end of this year at the rate I'm going. So that's the goal. Creepy guys, creepy guys are necessary. We're trying to wipe them out. We do have an you do have an OnlyFans page.

Yeah, honestly, I'm like, I'm like free the nipple but also don't free the nipple because I'm making a lot of money off of it not being free. Um, now are you doing this all in your childhood bedroom? Yes. and this is... I love the idea of you in a race car bed just going to town with some businessman in China. My parents redid it for me,

so now it's my adult bedroom in my childhood house. My dad is on the opposite wall right now now so i'm trying not to say anything too incriminated but they they know basically what i do but not really like he just knows that i sell like hot pictures online he doesn't know like exactly what i do um we think he we think he might have coronavirus he's sick he's an essential worker he drives an oil truck um so he's home right now sick but he got tested he did not test positive but my mom is convinced he has it so they're sleeping in separate bedrooms unless that's just her excuse

I don't know but pretty genius so Lindsay do you have any like free samples online that we can show the people no I do I post a nude to Twitter every so often to reel them in.

What? Okay, so let's see. Lindsay Jennings. Pull it up. You're going to Google it. Give it a favorite, Gnome. Advertising for you. Tweet.

I have the comedy seller tweet it for me, Gnome. What's your Twitter handle? Lindsay Jennings with a Z. You might have to scroll back. i haven't given a free nude in like a week or two i i'm trying to do like once every other week to promote it but this fans only thing it's pictures or videos so only fans is literally like instagram or facebook of like you know selling uh content for money because money because you have a feed just like Facebook and then you can go live, although their lives

have been fucking up lately. So it's been hard, but people can tip you on the live. Tomorrow, actually, I'm going on the Suicide Girls Only fans and I'm going to be doing stand-up and stripping. And they're paying me to do that, so that's exciting. I'm getting stand-up from my room.

I'll tune in after the stand-up. I'm going to do it in between. I'm going to, like, tell a joke, and then since I won't be getting laughs, I'll just take a piece of clothing off. I thought about using some of these. Have you guys been doing any of these, like, IG Live or, like, Zoom shows? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Too many. I know. It's like I feel busy as fuck during this okay um somebody somebody oh here we go oh my god it cuts off on mine I can't even see. Oh, there it is. There it is. Oh, wow. Again, if you're not. If I wasn't gay, I'll tell you. Showing her nipple. Wow. Let's find something else. So, did she.

So. That's a close one. Okay. And this is. Wow. That's not a nude. Is this Dan? That's a wholesome one.

Great hair. I mean, wholesome except for that on her neck. Is that Dave Waite? That was Dave Waite. I did a thing for they're doing a little series. Yeah, I did this thing for them. Him and Mitch Burr doing the Comedy Store Door Guys.

Oh, if you click that one, that's a nude. I like that. Click it. Scroll, baby. It's coming. It's coming. This is the best Zoom cast I've done yet. Wow.

Oh, my Lord. Not bad, Lindsay. Are those completely real? Yeah. I get a lot of compliments. I got perky titties. I quit bras in 2014. And it turns out that bras actually make your tits sag more. People think that it's the opposite.

But yeah, because it's kind of like, you know, like your boobs get used to something holding them up and not using your actual muscles to hold them up. So eventually they sag more. Wow. I got a little like public assistance. Well, I don't know. I got to tell Bobby Kelly.

Mark, what zoom shows have you done? I did the Cellar one. That was pretty good. Have you done any Zoom stand-up shows? Yeah, I did the one at the Cellar with Liz put one on. It was pretty great as far as Zoom shows go. And then I've done a few rinky-dink ones here and there

because I'm scared of losing my fastball here. I'm turning into a house cat. I used to be a puma. I'm getting soft out here. The cellar one was like a beta thing. We're going to try to do it right. I mean, I'm more of an alpha, but yeah, it was fun. No, no, it was okay.

I mean, it was definitely better than the other ones I've done. I'll tell you that. I've done a couple. They're not as horrible as you would think. Yeah. The problem is you don't get, like, if you unmute everybody on Zoom, there's too much background noise, people's kids, a dog barking. But if you mute everybody, you don't get any laughs.

So the show is good. Mary, let me finish if you would. With the show, I was in the middle of a sentence. I'm sorry. You know, now, so what they did is they, they unmuted people that were sort of preselected to not have any background

noise. And so you could hear a little bit of laughter so that you could time it. You get your kind of rhythm and timing, but they didn't, you know, they, they, they only did that with like 10 or 15 people.

That's at the show that I did and it worked out okay. So I watched my black friends show that was like all black audience and it was like everybody's grandpa and grandma. So like they were interrupting the comics the whole time. Oh, that's hilarious. You say my black friends? Yes.

Was everybody late to the zoo? You have one black friend no no no uh friends plural but one of my black friends i'm actually i'm making a sketch right now called zoom heckler about zoom hecklers that's not bad i hope hopefully it's funny we see. I love how they were in the black shows, in the black Zooms they talk too. You said that you want to do a regular thing at the cellar with the standup shows by via Zoom. I am not the impetus for that, but some people have wanted to do it.

So I'm letting them go forward with this beta stuff and then I give my I give my comments because it's got to look right it's got to be I mean it's going to involve I told them they can only do it if they if we send actually tech packages to every comedian with a light

proper camera and a proper microphone and that and tell them exactly how far away from the camera to be and the whole thing so that there's a uniform look to it um and that it's got it's got to be right so if they if they can get all that shit together it's really just for fun right i'm okay with it you're not going to make any money you're not going to charge it's going to be free i mean i'm always happy to charge but i i just don't i mean i have mean I don't think it's gonna be that much money to be made and then want to give it to the comedians

I don't think it's gonna pay my mortgage I'll tell you that you don't want these Zoom shows to get too good because people are so lazy they'll just stop going out eventually I think it's good that they're bad I thought about that too but I think a lot of people are like,

first of all, there's so many idiots who are still going out and don't give a fuck. And I think that, I think that a lot of people who would go to comedy shows are the people who are like itching to get out already. So I go either way. Like people are going to either not come out or they're going to be ready immediately in places are going to be easy to pack,

especially if you can only do 50% capacity or whatever. Right. Right. People go to comedy because they want to go out, you know, not, not so much. And then once they decide they want to go out, they decide, okay, where are we going to go? Comedy show, dancing, whatever it is, but they want to go out.

Can you, can anybody record a zoom show? That's another concern. Yes. Yes. Record them. Yeah, sure. You know what the biggest obstacle to that is dan what's that that the comedians in order to preserve their self-respect

have to pretend that somebody really wants to record their shows i think it's funny that once we open back up and there's like 20 capacity in certain places that you know that there's going to be comics making jokes like oh i've never performed for an empty room or whatever when you know they were already performing for empty rooms oh yeah i'm glad you have such a high opinion of the comics that you regularly use no you know the point is that there are very few people who are going to very few comedians whose pirated zoom show can actually make money for somebody else. So what I'm saying is like, it's not like,

like maybe Chappelle, if Chappelle did a private show, no one could see it. Somebody could stick it on YouTube and maybe, although now YouTube is really good about taking stuff down. It's not a matter of making money. It's a matter of them recording it and just having it. And maybe you don't want that.

Yeah. Why don't you want that though like what's the big deal what's the big everyone's gonna know your jokes or what i don't know i mean um if there's a joke that that i'm doing for a particular yeah you may be right that it's not that big a deal like there there is a situation i'm in right now where i'm testing out jokes to be used. For America's Got Talent or whatever. No, for my novel,

because the main character is a comedian. And I want the jokes to actually be real jokes, not like oftentimes you'll see comedy represented in movies or in books, and the comedy's not very good. So I work out my jokes for the character. Yeah. I think it's safe to say that you'll be okay.

Well, Lindsay is really, really pounding Dan. I'm sorry! He likes getting pounded. Well, I'd rather not, because I don't have the option of showing my cock. Dan, don't sell yourself short. Okay, you have the option. That's a Louie Zoom.

You know, but I'd rather that material that's not meant for stand-up get out. Is it a big deal? Probably not. Is it a slight concern? Yes. Well, here's a question I have, because can you actually just record the audio of a Zoom?

I mean, I guess you could use another camera, like if you were like in a movie theater, but you're like filming the computer from your phone. But can you actually like screen record from your phone the audio? Because you can't do that like on Instagram Live and stuff like that, I know. On Zoom, I don't know. Just put a cell phone in front of the TV monitor, computer monitor and record. No, I think it's, I'm just looking at the settings right now.

If there's a record, if there's a record setting, I know that we're recording this obviously to be later. No, you have to, only the host can authorize that. But what they should do, I was telling that this actually came up in our meeting with Liz, because I got a screener for a movie. And I mean, this has been around for a long time, but there was a watermark on the screen that said,

no, I'm Dwarven. And it shifted from top to bottom every once in a while so that if I were to record it, they would be able to trace it back to me. So Zoom should offer that technology. They should have a watermark which puts your account, whatever your Zoom account is, has a watermark on your Zoom screen as an option so that if the person who's watching it chooses to do what you don't want them to do,

to distribute it in some way, you can trace it back to that particular person. That's good. That's pretty low tech, I mean, you know, considering what they do. Somebody just needs to tell them to do it, And I think that would take care of it. They trust these screeners out there. And there, when you get a screener, that is a serious risk. Right. Those movies are like a Marvel

movie screener. Oh, yeah. You go to jail. So I think that's the answer for the Zoom thing. I don't know why they haven't done it yet, but they will. The Zoom guy must be... Do you like out and about on the daily over there in the city? Yeah, yeah. The morale is good

in the village. Everybody's jogging out here. It's pretty. The weather's great. The waterfront is packed. People are drinking on their stoop. It's nice. Well, I was in Central Park today bike riding using a city bike, electric bike, by the way, which is a lot of fun. It gives you an electric boost.

Yeah. So people aren't like all in masks and staying apart from each other? Most people are in masks and most people are relatively distant from each other. And it's an open question. Of course, we had Alex Berenson on the other week ago. And of course, he has some ideas that are unconventional, but he doesn't seem to think that COVID can be caught very easily outside. And actually, there's, I think, a lot of research to back that up. Dude, man, you didn't read the bio about Mark Norman's new album. Oh, I didn't know I had to do that right away. I thought

we had to do that. Out to lunch. But if you want to talk about that, we can do so. But I didn't know you wanted to get to that right away. Usually you like to push those things toward the end so you can prattle on about No, the bio. She gave the bio. Mark Norman is a stand-up comedy.

Notice credits. Ariel gives us bios. I don't think those bios are very good. I prefer to bring... Just to say, I don't think the bios are... The bios are fine. I just don't see the point of reading a whole bio up front rather than just rolling in somebody's credits as we go along. Well, I can tell you why.

It's because the guests usually appreciate being introduced before we start talking to them. And I think that the audience similarly- Lindsay! I introduced her as a Comedy Cellar regular and a couple other things. I didn't feel the need to- Well, but if you read the bio, for example, of Lindsay,

you would have known that she hasn't been a burlesque dancer for a long time, which is why I send the bios to begin with. They come straight from the guests. Lindsay, do you think there's a fetish category out there for people who want to jerk off while somebody's talked dirty to them exactly like Cariel? Like with that voice and speech pattern? Totally. If she just started doing it, her fans would definitely be down. Like, I'm sure... Honestly, any female comedian,

if they started a OnlyFans right now, they'd do pretty well, I think. What female comedian do you believe has the most potential for money at posting erotic pictures and videos? Not a famous... Whitney Cummings. Whitney Cummings.

Have you? No. No? Jessica Kirsten. I don't know. But Whitney Cummings has been posting these videos of guys calling her voicemail

who are like all trying to get in on her feet and shit. Wow. Interesting. He's hot. What non-famous comedian do you think

would have the most potential for erotic pictures and videos? In your opinion. Esther Kuh. I mean, there's always a more opinion Asian. Oh, yeah. True. Esty has one.

Esty the Booker? Yeah, she's got an OnlyFans. It's pretty wild. You signed up forer? Yeah, she's got an OnlyFans. It's pretty wild. You signed up for it? Yeah. What do you think, Dan? Sarah Silver? Oh, she's famous.

Who do you think, Dan? Well, let me think about that for a second. I'm trying to think of somebody we all know. Nikki Glaser? Yeah, but she's famous still. Oh, okay. Who was that hot blonde that was coming around for a while from L.A.? Kate Quigley? Nikki Glaser yeah but she's famous too oh okay who was that hot blonde that was coming around for a while from LA Kate Quigley

oh Kelsey Cook oh yeah recently but Kelsey Cook yeah too we had somebody on our show from LA she was kind of she had a manner kind of like Maria Bamford oh Erica Rhodes

oh she's pretty what's her name again She had a manner kind of like Maria Bamford. Oh, Erica Rhodes. Oh, she's pretty. What's her name again? Erica Rhodes. It's not just a matter of pretty, Mark, which, of course, all the affluent comedians are. I think Perrielle would do great doing, like, small dick shaming kind of stuff, you know? Ooh, I'll be on in two. Lindsay, it's not just a matter of pretty.

As we know, there are a lot of pretty girls out there. There's a lot of competition. What we need is somebody that can bring something different to the table. And I think just a wholesome, non-tattooed girl. No offense, I love your tattoos. There's plenty of those out there. By the way, I have no competition. This is Erica Rose.

She can make a few bucks. I think we're going to get into trouble by talking about these women in this patch. Well, let's do men. We'll do men neck. How about jizzle neck? I'd pay to see his honker. I don't know what the market is for men, for male.

Maybe Lindsay could speak to that. Lindsay, you're a woman. You know, I don't... Is there any market for heterosexual women that want to see hot guys naked? Honestly, I really don't think so. Like, I think that if you're a dude trying to make money, you just have to pretend to be gay.

Or just, like, market yourself towards the gays, you know? Well, okay. Done and done. I would say that Jeff Dye could certainly do well. Oh, he's a hunk. Lindsay, do you have any comedian crushes? Ugh.

I haven't seen this guy. Go ahead, I'm sorry. Have you guys seen this guy? I can't see it yet, but. Oh, I know it. Yeah. Wow. Oh, wow.

Who is that? It's Mateo Lane. That's Ralphie May. He's great. I always have a comedian crush and I had one and he wants to fuck him and it totally wasn't worth it. You did fuck him?

I did, yeah. Did you give him the light? Can you tell us? Mark, you are as sharp as ever. You have nothing to worry about. Can you tell us? His hand keeps stepping on him. Can I tell you who you said?

In the chat, could you tell us who it is? Oh, in the chat? Like some people can't see it? No, no, I don't believe. Can anyone see the chat, Perrielle? Only we can see it. Only we can see it. All right, I'll tell you in the chat because I don't care,

but you can't tell them that I told you. Wait, how do I do that? How about Ari Shafir? In the bottom. No, I decided not to fuck Ari Shafir. Wait, you had to decide not to fuck Ari Shafir? Yeah, when he was like, what's fucking my car? I was like, no, I'm good.

He's got a huge dong. I know. And then I regretted it when I did. Wait, here's a chat. I did Naked Roast Battle and he wait. Oh, here's a chat. I did um Naked roast battle and he was the judge one of the judges and I was like dang I should Do that but I don't know too late. I don't know I don't know who that is. It sounds like a porn star his name, but I don't know. I've never I don't know

All right. Ari was naked Yeah, he was naked yeah everybody everybody everybody was naked you did a two mark no i went and took notes oh oh i know i've seen that guy yeah i don't know that guy i didn't see him damn wait you said you don't like him no no i i don't I don't have any... I just recognize him, that's all. Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, he's alright. I missed it. Who is it? Well, you can go to the chat.

Perio can text you, Mark. I'll DM it to you later with my OnlyFans link. Woo-hoo! Alright! Something good came out of this pod. Is that a free OnlyFans link, or does Mark have to pay? I actually don't know how to do a free one, but I did put a 50% sale up today, so it's only $5.

All right. A little above my pay grade, but all right. I was going to say, what about you guys? You guys are all married, and Dan lives alone, so everybody's sex life is pretty much the same right? My sex life, it was never, I haven't had sex since before lockdown about two years before lockdown Really Dan? Who was he?

It was about It was about When was lockdown? March? Probably the last time was it about November-ish Wow Thanksgiving bang. I have had some, like, you know, phone-related sex. Oh, nice. I also, that's, that was one thing I added to my roster this month to try to make more money.

I'm doing one-on-one sexting combos. Nice. Man. Okay, when you're doing a one-on-one phone sex with somebody, is there anything he could possibly do to actually bring you over from totally faking it to somehow actually getting off? Oh, good question. So I've only done – I did a few like texting combos,

which was like so easy and like whatever to me. But this one guy wanted me to talk about fucking younger guys. I'm like, first of all, I'm not that old. Okay. But, and I was like, were you molested as a child? What is this? But I was like, sure. I want to fuck an 18 year old.

But, but actually one guy, sure, I want a fucking 18-year-old. But actually, one guy who says I've met him several times, I guess he's come to my shows, I don't remember. I did a FaceTime, not FaceTime, but Instagram video chat with him. I charged $125 for 20 minutes, so I made $6 a minute. And that was just to talk. I didn't say like, oh, I'm definitely gonna like get naked or anything. But we ended up basically having phone set like FaceTime sex and I was actually into it. He was a big dick black man. What was the secret? This is this is a good thing. Men will want to know this. What's the secret? Having a big dick.

For me. For me. That's it. For me. But he was nice and respectful too, I guess. As respectful as you can be when you're jerking off in front of a camera to me. Yeah. Nice and respectful?

I don't think... If women like nice and respectful, how does Mark get so much fun? Used to. Used to. Oh, right as a girlfriend now i tell this all the time mark ever since this lockdown thing and he zoomed things like three out of four comedians mentioned their wife or their girlfriend i've never heard of before it just happened in quarantine like monroe's like yeah i'm here with my wife like motherfucker motherfucker, you're married. You never mentioned you were married. Well, you know what it is?

Having a wife isn't funny. It's funny just to be a weird man child. You know, that's like a comedian's way. There's a lot of comedians who get a lot of mileage out of, you know, marital jokes. Hacks.

Hacks. But you know, the problem is, is we call them hacks, but you know, being the, I'm not joking. They're not hacks. No, I'm joking. If you're in the problem is, is we call them hacks, but you know, being the joking, they're not hacks. If you're in a relationship with, with a man, uh, is it, is it a prerequisite that he has to be okay with you doing these things,

perhaps having phone sex with other men, perhaps sending naked pictures to other men, et cetera. I mean, what if, what if you fell in love and he said, no, I don't want you doing that anymore. Um, yeah, that's a tough thing and that's probably why i haven't been in a relationship in so long um i was in a relationship when i first i mean like when i started suicide girls i was single and then i got back with my ex after that and so he had to kind of accept it he wouldn't have beforehand but he was a piece of shit um my other like i started my uncensored snapchat which is my first like uh making money off of like nudes on the internet thing i did which i started in like 2016 and i've basically been i haven't had like a nine to five or anything since then i've just been making money on the internet in between tours and stuff um so yeah

but that ex also was kind of like not okay with it but oh my god on thanksgiving his mom we were in lake tahoe all right this is a tangent but it's relevant we were in at his parents house in lake tahoe and his mom is like super against drugs but like super into big pharma like believes in like pharmaceuticals so she was like you guys have to leave before 7 a.m because there's gonna be a snowstorm and you don't want to be driving so So I'm going to give you an Ambien so you can fall asleep. And she gave us Ambien. But instead of like going to bed early, we just like were fucked up and we ended up like having sex on my Snapchat. Whoa.

But I mean, Wow. No, no, that's amazing. I made so much money selling those videos and I still sell them. He just had a baby with a girl he was having sex with while we were together. What? You know, as a similar story to that Ambien one is a Cosby. Yeah. So, I mean, he, and then I feel like he was like not happy that we did that, but he also, like, I, like, shared the money with him, so he wasn't, like, mad about it either.

But I think that if I dated anybody, they'd kind of have to be okay with it and accept it because... What if you dated somebody that was worth in excess of $100 million and he said, Lindsay, you don't have to worry about money anymore. Oh, yeah, then, of course, I would stop. He would just be my sugar daddy, what? Do you enjoy it at all or it's just a money thing? No, I was just talking about this, somebody asked me

and I actually do enjoy it, I have fun. I mean, like I wouldn't be like sexting random dudes for money if I didn't have to. I mean, no, that's not true, cause I don't have to, but I just wanna make a lot of money. I'm like really on the hustle right now. I'm trying to pay all my debts off by the end of 2020. I owe a lot of drug dealers.

I'm just kidding. Would you give up all of your online sexual activity for a tax-free check of half a million dollars? I don't know. No? I don't know. I don't know because I think that if I continue at the rate I'm going, I could make that money. And half a million dollars doesn't last me that long. But I'm hoping to be successful in my other endeavors and not have to resort to that or have to do this.

But I got at least 10 more years of being hot in me. So if I have to do it till then, I'm good. How old are you? Wow, you're 11? Sorry, sorry. Add 20 years. I'm 31. Oh, that's nothing. Well, I think there's a lot of men

that are into older women. I mean, you become a fetish at some point, but you can still work. That's true. Oh, yeah. Look at Stormy Daniels. What is she, 78? Yeah, I don't know. I've talked about this, too. Like, if I became, like, super successful from comedy

or whatever, like, would I still sell my nudes? Because I feel like I could sell them for more. But then they'd also, all my old nudes will probably be on the Internet for free then, so. And there are plenty of my nudes on the internet for free now so i don't know there you go dan would you i've noticed that uh a lot of female comics when they're cooped up like this and can't perform they just start putting up crazy revealing photos it's like a weird trend that's happening i guess because they need to express themselves somehow.

And as a guy, I like it because I'm like, hey, this is great. But it's a weird thing. I have a decrease in the so-called thirst traps. I think a lot of female comics want to be funny and want to be sexy at the same time. Sure. We obviously like attention, you know, if you're in that field. And, yeah, we obviously like attention, you know, if you're in, if you're in that field.

So, and yeah, also I think people are, they're home, they're feeling themselves. They're like becoming more comfortable with themselves. And I think that's a good thing to like, I think you're right.

Yeah. You spend so much time with yourself. Your inhibitions get lower. You're like, ah, screw it. I'm posting it. That's so true.

Good for them, I say. Yeah, well, there's a lot of very attractive female comics out there, no question about it. There are. I agree. And funny is sexy. Noam, do you concur in that regard? I saw a t-shirt that said that.

Noam, do you concur that funny is sexy? With big tits yeah would you say that a woman two women one is funny and one is not i'm gonna funny funny is sexy i mean i mean personality is sexy not not any kind of human just i mean it has to be the right kind of funny a kind of confident uh clever humor is yes yes jenny mccarthy is not funny sexy Yes. Jenny McCarthy is not funny. Sexy.

You find a woman who is really, really, really dirty sexy. If they're dirty, dirty, dirty on stage.

Super dirty. Only if it's suggestive. Not if it's like Thea Vidal level dirty. I don't know who that is. She's a black comedian

who's pretty dirty. I haven't seen her in a while, but... A dirty black comic? What? I mean, like, some women talk about, you know, like, their pussy is so blah, blah, blah, and I found something on my own. That's not sexy to me, but, you know. Well, that's just bad comedy.

I mean, you can talk about your pussy. Well, no, but this is dirty and funny. Yeah, yeah. Like, Amy Schumer had that joke in her leather special talking so much trash about how her vagina smelled bad. And it just, like, seemed to me like a man wrote that. Because I'm like, why would you be trashing your own vagina? And your vagina does not smell that bad unless you have an infection.

I actually wrote that joke. I did open for that special, though, and I thought the line about how her vagina smells like soup, I thought that was pretty funny. Soup is a generally pleasant smell. That is funny. All that is funny, but it's not

sexy funny. It's funny. Right, right, right, right. It's just so lowbrow. It's not impressive. You know, like if a guy was just like, my dick, my dick, my dick, it wouldn't be impressive either. Well, you could be, I think you could be dirty

and talk about your dick and do it cleverly. Yes, clever. That's the key. Are you an Amy on the outs? No, I'm Joe. I didn't write the bit. I'm the one who said the funny line,

the soup. Mark. No, we're cool. I see. Okay. Yeah, so I don't know. I mean, it's pretty obvious to everybody what sexy is. Yeah.

It's very rare that somebody finds somebody super sexy and everybody looks at them like, what are you talking about? Usually it's like pretty... That's true. A lot of unanimity. Yeah, but there's also a lot of divergence. Not so much. Well, there's divergence. I lot of unanimity. Yeah, but there's also a lot of divergence. Nah, not so much. Well, there's divergence.

I don't know how much, but there's divergence. And I think women on stage doing stand-up is an area of divergence because I think a lot of guys go into that. I mean, you know, in the old days, we don't do this kind of thing anymore, but in the old days, like, if you were going to rate, like, the top five hottest teachers in the school or waitresses whatever it is uh 95 of people would choose the same top nine and maybe an order but there's not like a lot of outliers like you know that's true and i think the internet has changed all that like with the

internet you can find out fetishes you never even knew about you're just going off on these google tangents oh my god you might be in the shit you didn't even know existed all of a sudden you see it you're like hey i like this if you can think of it it exists the truth of the matter is is that the standard of beauty has changed with the internet because there are more voices out there right yeah I mean it's true like if you don't it's it's I mean if you don't think that like the standard of beauty was created by it's a Hollywood patriarchal beauty She's absolutely right. Of course I'm right. I mean, it's like, it's so absurd. It's created by patriarchal,

by men. It continues to be created by men because beauty is sold to men from women. That's not true at all. How's Lindsay making her money from a patriarchal standard of beauty? That's not the only how's lindsey making her money from a from a from a from a patriarchal standard that's not the only way to make money look at the beauty industry yeah but i have a

couple things to say about this on a on a train of these thoughts yes funny is sexy because one i will be the one person out of the suicide girls who does not get ready for like we'll do like a huge show in front of hundreds of people i won't get ready i'll look like shit i'll wear sweatpants and i'll have guys like slang i'm slang and dick dick's thrown in my face all the time like i pick dudes up like nothing more than the more than the girls who are like sitting there stripping and getting naked getting ready getting beautiful every day um two there are crazy fetishes online such as men who make women gain weight to the point where they're immobile, and I don't understand that. Three, that is crazy to me. I'm like, did your mom die because she couldn't move? I don't know. But three, the entire beauty industry is meant to make women feel bad, and it's not because of how men view them,

because half the things that we do, men don't even give a shit about, but it's just based on women's insecurities to make them feel bad, and so they spend money. Women are 80% of consumers. Like we spend more money on everything than men do, especially the beauty industry, especially all things having to do with our looks. So Perrielle's absolutely right about that.

Thank you. She's wrong, she's wrong as usual, but listen. She's not wrong. The thing is this about fetishes. If you do the math, you know, like if you have a fetish which two people out of a million have, let's say, which is like basically nobody has it. What? No, if there's a fetish, two people out of a million.

Two out of a million is a very, very low percent. But still, you can gather a couple hundred people into a room and feel like this is actually, it's kind of like Twitter. You can get a totally distorted view of what's out there. When you have 340 million people on the internet at one time, a very, very, very, very rare fetish can be very profitable for somebody who services it. It doesn't mean that it's common at all. There are a lot of crazy fetishes that are very common. Like what? Like what? I don't know if it's crazy, but

pregnant women, urinating, anorexic women, ADDL, adult baby diaper lover. Oh God, I hate that. Vomiting. Really? Even if it's not on a dick?

Yeah, like you're gagging and then vomiting, you know. Oh, yeah. So something people have been asking me for a lot, which I found really surprising, is fart videos, which I have not done. I haven't resorted to that. It's like where I draw the line. And I'm like, I don't know why I won't do that,

but it's just like, I don't know. It's still I won't do that. But it's just like, I don't know. It's still too embarrassing. Why? That combines your two loves, comedy and nudity. You know, like, why not? Because. It's so funny. It's so funny.

I don't know. Like, it's funny because I'm not afraid to like, I don't know. I'll like jokingly fart in front of somebody. But like, I won't. I don't know. I just don't want that video to come back. I don't know. It's too embarrassing to me. I don't like fart jokes. I don't know I just don't want that video to come back I don't know it's it's too

embarrassing to me I don't like fart jokes I don't like shit jokes I don't like anything with bodily fluids like I see Lindsay that's sexy to me what you're saying right now I do really Lindsay can I speak to this uh notion that you do a show and you get all the dicks thrown at you and some of the other girls don't I mean everybody's getting dick thrown at them of course i want to offer an alternative explanation which isn't to say you're not sexy and and and and are not worthy oh my god is it because i'm the ugly one and they think they can get me no because you actually talk and say things and they think maybe you have some intelligence as you do and they assume that they can use their intelligence to woo you whereas the other girls they might assume just want a guy

that's all big dick and big wallet whereas maybe they can make you laugh where it's the opposite i'm the one who wants the big dick and big wallet well but they hear you telling jokes and they think oh she's got another side to her maybe if i'm funny or interesting she'll respond to that yeah maybe here is a a website shows in a random supposed to give top 15 fetishes that you didn't know were out there all right so we can go so the first one is fetishism when you're sexually aroused by something that's been in physical contact with the desired person anybody i mean that's been in physical contact with the desired person. Anybody? I mean, that's the same as selling your used panties in a way. I'm not against a used panty necessarily. In contact with an attractive woman, sure.

My friend. The next one is, I can't even read this. Captopnephilia, which is having sex in front of a mirror. Okay, that's hot. Everybody wants to do that. Analegnia is one super common. The man is only attractive to older women and never to someone his own age. Oh, that's like that guy that I was talking about before.

Trichinophilia, playing with the hair. This is Joe Biden's thing. Oh! Trichinophilic, someone the hair, smelling, this is Joe Biden's thing. Oh! Trichinophilia, someone's hair when they're sexually aroused. Okay. You're going to go through all these.

Who names these things? Can then you're, something. Well, the trich, the trich, whatever it was called is because that's like a hair term.

Yeah. Trich does, yeah, I went to hair school. Trichinomania. Nismalangnia, that has to have a silent k i mean is this when you like you have sex with conditions this is a sexual arousal that results as being tickled like anyone i i mean yes voyeurism we get that pictophilia basically

your motive sexual arousal is watching porn or looking at pornographic image that's oh that's duh big mattophilia is when you get sexually aroused by looking at pornographic image. That's, oh, that's big Matt. So philia is when you get sexual arousal by looking at someone's piercings or tattoos. I think I have that. So that's a common. It's like, that's like stigmata,

I guess is what they're referring to with that name. Tattoos have been so common that, um, I think that the non tattooed girl me, is now becoming the gold standard, especially in a pornographic situation, because that's completely uncommon, that in a porn you'll see a girl with no tattoos. Are you trying to reverse psychology me right now, Dan? I'm trying to neg Lindsay as best I can.

Okay, we have here almost a nasal nasal Lindsay's a poopy head Nasolingus Which is pleasure sucking Someone's nose Not to be Necrophilia I don't believe that exists Podophilia It does exist

Who gets access to corpses Wait a second this is like a real Thing A lot of serial killers do that Like Ted Bundy Who gets access to corpses? Wait a second. This is like a real thing. A lot of serial killers do that. Like Ted Bundy. He fucks a couple of them. Foot fed. Okay, what's this?

Psychrophilia. Quite common. Sexual arousal to feeling cold or looking at people who are cold. What? Like you stand outside and I'll jerk off while i watch you out the window urophilia sexual arousal to urine those with this fetish either like peeing on others or on them it's pretty common i feel like having sex in a tub full of pee that's disgusting judging by videos i see uh urin philia is quite strong and wife swapping kevin brennan asked me

one time if i would wife swap with him wow did you do it no we have uh tell us in the chat no tell us the truth in the chat yeah i don't know if you could follow his energy now my i don't know if you want to talk about fetishes more, but... We got to go. No, we don't have to go, but we might want to segue briefly into Mark Norman's new special called Out to Lunch. Oh, hey, I forgot I was here. He's got a lunch fetish.

Yeah, I like to fuck baloney no uh i have a special it came out on youtube last night it's doing great and i think this is the new normal all the networks said no and so i put it out myself shot it myself and uh it's killing it on youtube it's doing great instead of getting buried somewhere else on some network and uh yeah give it a watch tell a a friend. Share it. Tweet it. Is there any theme? Or this is just joke writing, great craftsmanship?

Or is there an overriding theme? It's just one hour of jokes in a row. You know, it's traditional stand-up. Just zinger after zinger. It's dark. It's offensive. It's fun. It's the way it used to be.

Like old Pepperidge Farm stand-up. Yeah. No stories. I was molested, no sob bullshit, no set off, just jokes. No speaking. You see that, right? What's that? You see that on the screen, right?

Oh, there it is, yeah, there's the old douche right there. I like the beginning. Marky. Oh, thanks. I like the beginning. Mark. Oh, thanks. So we can put a nice bow on everything. Do you talk about fetishes during your special? I don't. I do some vibrator jokes and some anal stuff, but that's about it.

Oh, it's pedophilia. I do pedophiles. Vibrator, anal, pedophilia. Oh, wait. Does any comic not have a pedophile joke i certainly think seinfeld seinfeld does not that's correct sebastian bob newhart rodney all right you got me rodney he was actually molested it's too close to home for him. He was pretty clean, Rodney.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Generally a clean comic. What do you guys think about them trying to add a P to the LGBTQP community? What's the P? You mean urine? Pedophilia. Oh, it's going to happen.

Give it 10 more years. It'll happen. I mean, there's a whole community of people. They're like, we're pedophiles, There's a whole community Of people like They're like We're pedophiles But we don't act on it They're like It's okay

To like kids And to wanna fuck them Just don't do it Well Look You can't You can't help What you're interested in

Exactly And if you don't act on it I can't say You're morally wrong But it's not something I would wanna put In the lgbtq community either right who do they really want their place in that in that alphabet yeah yeah there's people fighting for it wow they were all wearing cub scout uniforms weirdly enough

i do think that uh these people should be they shouldn't be condemned if they're not acting on it. They should be, if it's at all possible. But don't you think it's weird if they're on Twitter, like promoting like the idea of it? The only thing they should be promoting is trying to find a cure for it. Yeah, I guess. We got to work on COVID first.

I don't want to get a pedophile vaccine. COVID. No, I mean, look, if there's any research, whether it be drug or therapy or psychotherapy, I think it's very,

very, very likely. There is no cure. There isn't. I mean, you can't help who you're attracted to. Yeah. Well,

I think that a lot of these pedophiles they find, um, were molested as children. So yeah, I think that's vampires you can give it to them exactly but you can't change what people are into i mean uh when i was a kid my parents sent me to gay conversion camp but that didn't work lindsey do you have any requests uh for being a little girl oh wait wait sorry a request for me dressing um pretend to be a little girl. Oh.

Wait, sorry. Request for me dressing. Pretend to be a little girl in a fantasy on phone sex. You know, I actually haven't, which is surprising. Maybe because of all your tattoos, you know, you don't appeal to that demographic. Maybe.

You know, it's very interesting is the number one porn search nowadays is Stepbro. to that demographic. Maybe. You know, it's very, sorry. You know, what's very interesting is the number one porn search nowadays is Step Bro. It's like incest. Incest's huge in porn.

They did that in Cruel Intentions. Oh, yeah. Good point. It is, I don't know. I think it's kind of hot too because it's like

you're not, like it's like you're not related and you're not supposed to do it. Right. And they'll like call each other, which is, which of course doesn't happen in real life, but they'll be like, what are you doing, stepbrother?

You know, they'll call each other. Yeah. If I were LGT or B, whatever, I would be furious with the pedophiles, right? We'd have a sexual, whatever you call them, civil war. A fucking civil war. Yeah. First of all, just the fact that they want to be part of that community gives ammunition to the people who hate that community.

But look, look. Definitely. I have no doubt that some pedophiles are lobbying to be included, but is it really a big significant movement? I don't know, but do you know what one of their like, the points that they make is they say, well, the ancient Romans do it.

We've been doing this since the beginning of time. Well, what happened to Rome? Rome also had slavery as well, and gladiators, so I don't know if we want to use them as the moral, you the moral compass. Also, but isn't it better to know who these guys are?

I'd rather them come out and say I am one. That way I know not to take my kids camping with them. You know what I mean? It's business or outing themselves. As a general rule, just don't send your kids camping with any man. That's true. Or anybody that, you know, is not personally a relative in general. I wouldn't get into the woods with anybody.

A friend of mine is a black gentleman, and he always says he likes the rebel flags. He's like, good, now I know. Otherwise, they'd lie to me. So it's kind of like that. They're letting their pedo flag fly. That's true. Well, you guys, I can tell you for a material fact that I know what my next guest assignment is going to be

just by the look on Noam's face right now. Uh-oh. A pedophile? No, I would rather steer clear of that whole... Whoever wrote that article that you just pulled up No I think I think it's I mean I think it's basically obvious

That pedophiles don't choose to be pedophiles If it was any group Who clearly wouldn't choose it if they had a choice Those kids were asking for it Alright What were they wearing? It does warrant some understanding in terms of how we

treat them and how we punish them. I don't know. But that doesn't mean they should ever be included in... We still have to protect ourselves from them. They're still a menace. It's like if you're born a cannibal. If people can be born cannibals you know against their will we still can't let them eat us i mean you know you know it is sad in a way because yeah pedophiles

uh are are more are one of the most likely to get murdered or raped in jail right but it's not their fault that they got raped when they were a kid too. It's also, I have a big problem with a five-time serial rapist all of a sudden thinking he's better than a pedophile. Right. Well, he's better at it. It's harder to rape an adult.

Can you imagine anything worse than prison rape? My God. That is like a nightmare. Yeah, child rape. Oh, this has gotten so dark so quickly. I would be interested in having, I am interested in the psychology of necrophilia, though. Are you going to have a necrophilia gun?

I don't think it's as rare as you think, Noam. No. Not for married people. They're not out trying to add an end to the LGBTQ community. Just go on J-Date. Nothing?

I went married, you went Jew. There you go. Listen, maybe it's out there, but the point is that you don't get to see naked bodies, I mean, dead people very often in your life to develop that kind of... There's a couple of truckloads in New York City right now. Yeah.

I wonder if they jerk off to the news results. I mean, I think to some extent it might be a fetish like a, it sounds like wanting to have a sex dummy or something. It could be similar to that. I don't know, being dead is actually the turn on. As opposed to just having a body to

have your way with a body, you know? I assume they would want a freshly dead person, you know, if you had to. A warm one? Yeah, I don't know. You know, maybe like tooth tie. Unless they're also into that cold fetish. Yeah, I don't know. A king cut, you know, dead.

It's just disgusting. It would just disintegrate if you fucked a mummy i think anyhow um i mean it would be fun to fuck someone who's not going to complain the whole time they have sex robots now that's true that's true but then they're gonna like with ai they're gonna start talking now too. It's like in the movie her, when the operating system just like starts talking to him and leaves him the sex robots, like you're not doing it for me anymore. I have to tonight. So my kids, we, we read, um,

not to kill a mockingbird again. No, we read all of, uh, the third, third book in the Harry Potter series Prisoner of Azkaban And each time we get through a book They get a special treat to be able to watch a movie In the middle of the week So tonight we're going to watch the movie Human centipede

So we're going to watch Has anybody seen that movie Prisoner of Azkaban, the third Harry Potter movie? No, I haven't. No. That's the last,

it's the last one I watched, but it was so long ago, I don't remember. It was, it was good though, I remember I saw it in the movie theater. I mean, you know,

Dan always talks about, my God, the eyes of a child, the things, like, like some old hack storyline, or whatever it is, I mean,

they've never, when you've never heard it before, it is just the most amazing thing to them. What gives us that kind of thrill anymore? Nothing. There's nothing I haven't heard or seen. Fetishless.

You can't find a new piece of music that affects you like it did when you were a teenager. You can't find a new mate. You can't find anything. At a certain age, it's just all reruns. Maybe just because once your brain is mature it's not as exciting or something like when you're young it's your brain is like a sponge so it's like things are more exciting back then because it's true everybody thinks the best music is from when they were a kid or a teenager but it's novelty novelty is huge and once you I mean I think the only thing that really can

get you as when you get older is taking a trip somewhere, someplace you've never been. I notice if I take a vacation somewhere I've never been, that week seems to take longer than this whole lockdown has taken. Novelty

does help. Otherwise, it's just the same shit repackaged over and over. But people love nostalgia too. People love living in the past. I like nostalgia. Why are you shaking your head no, Perrielle? Because I mean that's sort of depressing.

Oh, it was a no like I agree with you, but tsk, tsk, that's really sad. I don't know if I agree with you. I like to think that I still get really excited about stuff. Well, you're young. Yeah. You need a new hobby, though.

Try to learn a new instrument. Learn how to fly a helicopter or something. Mix it up. And I don't even know if that's true. I see you get really excited about ideas or you read an article and then you get really excited about having a conversation with... A little bit, but nothing like

I did when the latest Stevie Wonder album came out in 1976. But I do get excited about my kids because it's the same thing with your kids. Your oldest kid, everything they do, it's amazing to see it for the first time. Right. By the time you're on your kid. When you're old, your oldest kid, everything they do, it's amazing. You see it for the first time, you know,

and then by the time you're on your third kid, you're still, you're still into it, but it's just not even, that's not the same. You're like, oh, you're walking now. Congratulations.

You know what you got to do, you got to fuck Kevin Brennan's wife. That's new. I was just kidding about that. That Kevin Brennan thing, by the way. Can you talk about the accusation that Rose McGowan made against Bill Maher? Wait, what?

I didn't hear. Go ahead. What happened? Well, Rose McGowan says Bill Maher, when she was young and she was on Politically Incorrect 800 years ago, I guess back in the 90s, he leaned over to her and according to Rose, he said, God, my parents gave me a bad face but a good cock or something like that. It seems like something he would say.

What's the big, terrible thing? He doesn't eat meat, but he's got a big one. Well, are you upset about that? It's certainly not very gracious to do to somebody that you don't know that's on your TV show. I'm not saying it doesn't make him

like it's not vulgar. I'm like, but this is like a traumatic experience. It's not criminal, no. Did he touch her? Did he try to get her in bed? It's disgusting. I mean, come on now. I think, you know, when

they mix in that with Weinstein and Cosby, they just undercut themselves. Like, yeah, shut up about Bill Maher. Stick to the important stuff. Well, I think, I know I'm going to get in trouble for this, but I think the same with like, we were talking about women post pics for attention.

This is a good way to get attention. Anything scandalous now is great for attention. Yeah. I mean, I'm not defending Bill Maher. If somebody said that to my daughter, I'd be pissed, but I wouldn't be as pissed as if he gave her a drug and raped her. I mean, it's like, that's not quite the same thing. He said it while they were alive on air? Is that what you're saying?

Whispered it in her ear. He was coming after her. First of all, she claimed he said it. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. It sounds like him. It could well be. I mean, you know, does that ever work? I mean, Lindsay apparently is a huge fan of huge cops. I was going to say that, like, everybody's line is different.

I want to hear Peril's, you know, take on this because I've had people be like, I've been, when I was, like, at open mics, I've had a guy be like, you know, I jerked off to your photos. And I was like, oh, thank you. I'm going to answer it for everybody. And then, and then Lindsay will tell me I'm right. Even Perrielle might agree.

It doesn't work. What it does is if you're already talking to a girl who's thinking about fucking you, it will turn her on. It will not, it will not turn a girl who has no interest in you, it will turn her on. It will not turn a girl who has no interest in you. But if she's kind of, you're like flirting, if you're kind of into each other, if there's a little electricity in the air and you whisper in her ear, I have a huge cock. Yeah, that will turn her on. I'll say, I think it would depend on the girl like me. Yes. But other girls might be turned off by that because it might be too vulgar for them. But you know what I mean.

I'll tell you this. There was an ugly-faced guy. There was an ugly-faced guy. Yeah, I know. That's what it sounds like. Who had... It was rumored he had a big dick.

Now I'm trying to think of one. I decided to check it out and then it made me sick um no but because it was a rumor that he had a big dick i was like yeah i'll check it out but my like i had talked to another comic about it and he literally started a group chat a facebook group chat between us it was like hey zach lindsey wants to see your dick and he sent me a picture and then i was like yeah all right i'll check it out and i had sex with him the best night of my life bill maher may have calculated but if he had calculated that that they were already seriously flirting then that might have been fine who the hell knows you know i don't i agree with

you i don't think saying that i mean first, first of all, what I was thinking before is if I had a dollar for every time I heard something like that in the past 20 years. For every time Bill Maher whispered about his dick. Who even remembers that? I don't know. I guess if you're young

and you're on a huge show and that's a really big deal like that probably would be could be setting but clear she didn't work for him he's not in a position of power over her is there equals she's a celebrity he's a celebrity it's one-on-one he said something disgusting this should not be caught up in a me too conversation in my opinion yeah i don't say something disgusting to another dude too but i also agree with what you said like i don't think that that is ever going to like turn the tables like you just go up to somebody you're like hey i have a huge cock it's like oh

okay he's not gonna be canceled because of it you know and i gotta go you know when irony is like if you tell a story about like, I was in the men's room and this guy came to me and he told me, he told me I thought I was really hot. And I, and I, and I got really mad and I punched him. He said, why are you being so homophobic, dude? Like they'll immediately take the side. Right.

They will, right? They'll take the side. Like you, you shouldn't get mad just because a guy wants to fuck you. Well, it doesn't have to get violent immediately, but no guy should be like looking at your dick while you're at the urinal. That's like. But if Rose McGowan slapped Bill Maher for saying that, you go girl.

Didn't George Michael get arrested for that? Yeah, he did. But did it just depends? How is she portraying it? Because did she like come out with like a big article? Like, so, or was she just like stating it like it just came out randomly like on a show or something um yeah that's a good that's a very good point that's a good point i'll tell you right now i do want to address what noam said

because this is the kind of thing that noam's going to come back in five minutes and say i just want to say one of the noam's walk walk backs, so let's address it now. What's that? That if a gay man said to a man that he didn't know or barely knew something on the order of, I got a really big cock, you should try to, and you were disgusted by it, I don't think people would be defending that gay man. I never care. I mean, I wouldn't care if somebody said something like that gay man. I think... I never care. I mean, I wouldn't care

if somebody said something like that to me. But yeah, people will say to the dude... I've known people who really get crazy when some gay guy says something suggestive to them. Suggestive is one thing, but that level...

I have a big cock? Somebody you barely know would be, yeah, would be a little bit... It's sexual harassment in the workplace. However, workplace is different because she's, because she's on the show. It depends on where you work though. Right. But it's a man woman thing because I've had older drunk women grab my ass on

the way to the cellar stage. And I go, wow. But if that happened to a woman by a dude, it'd be a whole different ballgame. Well, obviously, right. Like if a woman went up to you and was like, I have a really big vagina.

Yeah. I'd say, let me see it. I've heard of comics telling me like this one comic told me, uh, at the Hollywood improv that a woman just lifted her dress up and showed him her vagina and was like, you down.

He was like, down he was like okay well obviously look when we chuckle fuckers they call them yeah i love them obviously men women can get away with things men can't get away with we accept that women can hit cops for goodness sakes and and the cop would just be like now calm down ma'am i hear yes but men have been getting away with things that women can't get away with for centuries. Absolutely. Bill Maher, so here's the whole thing, Rose McGowan, Bill Maher, here's a memory I'd like to share with you. I bet you don't remember, but I sure do. I was so excited to be on your show and get to flex my mind instead of my face. Here's what happened. All I can say, Bill, you've got the face you deserved. I was on your show politically incorrect in the nineties.

As the show returned from a commercial break, you leaned over to me and whispered in my ear. My parents didn't give me a good face, but they did give me a huge cock. I could feel your hot breath on my ears. An image of both your hideous face and alleged big cock flashed in my mind. Both turned my stomach. I've always wondered what you say and do to the girls that aren't famous. I mean, that's

a good put down, I guess. Yeah, I don't think it's damning and I think it's, you know. I think it's genius because now the whole world knows about the big car. Really? She's his wing woman? Yeah, it was all an elaborate

ruse. It took years. They're texting about it. Yeah, I mean, that's like in pretty poor taste, isn't it? Of course. I think it's something you say when you think you have a vibe going on with a girl. And some guys miscalculate that stuff. Well, yeah, that's the problem is that if a girl makes eye contact with a dude, he thinks that she wants to fuck them. And it's like, no, I'm actually just being respectful and talking to you like a regular human.

Yeah. Well, that may be it. Maybe he perceived a certain flirtation. People think that I'm flirting with them all the time, and it's just because I actually engage and listen to people. I thought you were flirting with me when you did the show last time. Did you really? No.

I might have been. I thought you were. I gotta go. The point of Lindsay's stock and trade is, and many people stock and trade, is to let you think that they're flirting with you because that's good for

business. I literally You guys should go on without me. I have to go. Pardon? Bye. Certainly. I got you guys to go on without me. I have to go. Pardon. Bye. Bye. Yeah. No,

I got you for this yesterday. Cause I posted only fans because you're only fans and I will never fuck you. And all these people got so mad about it. I don't think that's good for business though. Lindsay. I think you want that. That's what people were saying,

but I feel like anybody who actually pays for my OnlyFans knows that I'm obviously making a joke, and they still have hope. You've got to keep that hope. I mean, I think... Yes, the illusion. It's like a waitress. Same thing. I think even being a waitress, I think that's

true. I think, you know, you know... You fake it. You'll get a bigger tip if if the customer thinks that you know maybe maybe there's a chance or that you like her or something like that and the problem is though is that that sort of mentality leaks into our lives no matter what we do for work yep here here bad no one's not on here to argue that with me. Well, it's true. I mean, everything is like that.

As a comic, I get off stage, people go, hey, why aren't you being funny? I'm like, I'm taking a shift. What do you want from me? Like, leave me alone. You know, that never ends. Yeah. Well, I always feel guilt-ridden if I don't respond to a fan. Thankfully, I don't have that many of them, so it doesn't require a lot of time But if somebody writes to me, I think you're funny, and I don't write back and sometimes I'll get hostile if you don't write back

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't yeah, I didn't mean to you know The problem is too, I'll be I'll try to be nice and when I have time I'll like answer my DMs and stuff But then if you answer them once they think that you owe them their time and then if you don't respond Then they become a real fucking asshole. It's like I could have just kept a fan by not responding. But now because I responded once, they think I have the time to respond all the time or something,

and then they get mad at me. Exactly. You can't win. Well, I think if you become very famous, you eventually just figure it out. I think it's like being a beautiful woman. Eventually you figure out how to blow people off out of necessity, not because you're being mean, but because you have no choice. When you get hundreds of people coming at you, demanding

your attention and your time, you have to figure out a way to blow people off. You know, I've seen... Yeah. It's a problem... What? Chris Rock, I've seen do it very effective. I mean, he'll just shut right down. Oh, yeah. You know, and he'll just cut you off at the knees but he has no choice he's being the people are coming at him by the thousands you have to eventually learn how to say get lost

yeah i think that that some people expect you to because some people think that i don't see all my dms and i don't see all of them but like or they they think oh you don't see all these comments you'll probably never see this or you'll probably never respond. So then I'll respond and try to make their day or whatever. But it's also an issue that people think that celebrities don't see their comments. So they say all this fucked up shit that actually hurts you. And then they're like, oh, it doesn't matter.

This isn't a real person. They're never going to see this. They forget that people are real people. Right. Yes. That being said, could you hit me back? Not only are they real people. Right. Yes. That being said, could you hit me back? Not only are they real people,

you're insecure people in all likelihood. Do you get a lot of, like, girls in your DMs, Mark? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't ask me that question. And dudes. Gay dudes? More gay guys. I get so many dicks and, like, ab muscles and butts and the things I'd do to your balls and I'd suck you dry, all this shit.

Wow. I find it flattering. I think it's nice. I just give it a favorite and I move on. That's why they think you're gay. Dan, do you get dick pics? It hurts to hear that because I don't get nary a ball. I'll send you one, Danny.

No, thank you. But it is a little bit hurtful now that I realize that balls are being sent around so liberally. Okay, here's a question I have. Because I used to joke that nobody's sending unwanted or unsolicited pussy pics, but I feel like that's not true anymore. Oh, they're up there. Yeah. So you get pussy pics too?

I haven't gotten a pussy. I've gotten a few breasts over the years, but it's over the years. I mean, you have to go back and there'd be a couple, but it's very... Me and Mark, we live in different universes it might be a generational thing because I'm more social media even you also yeah that's true that's true but you got a great head of hair, you have very cute eyebrows. Well, I haven't had a haircut since lockdown. Same. Slow down, Mark, you're gonna have another dick pic in your DM after this.

I'll take it. We'll wrap this up, I guess. We've been on about an hour and 20. Mark, we can, anybody can find it. It's Out to Lunch. It's on YouTube, right? On YouTube, simply search Out to Lunch. Out to Lunch or my name, it'll pop right up.

And it's free, I guess. It's free. It's right there. You can stream it. You can pause it. You can watch it. It's almost up to half a million views. We're cooking right along here. Wow, that's amazing. Thank you. I worked really hard on it. It's many years of work

going on the road doing hell gigs and it finally is on the screen for anybody to enjoy. Where did you think it was? LA. My feeling is the next one's going to cost you. But this one is. But

Lindsay Jennings, for your fans, or for people that want to become your fans, and please note, she won't fuck you, but. There's a chance. There's a chance. You've got to leave that chance. It's like that dumb and dumber when you said, like, I wouldn't date you in a minute.

Like, there's a chance. And he said, oh, there's a chance. You've got to leave that chance. It's like that dumb and dumber when you said, like, I wouldn't date you in a minute, like, there's a chance, and he said, oh, there's a chance. You gotta leave that chance or it's gonna be very hard to get off to a woman when you think

there's just completely no chance at all. Yeah, no, there's a slim chance if you have a big dick, but it's at Lindsay Jennings

with a Z, L-I-N-D-S-E-Y J-E-N-N-I-N-G-Z and onlyfans.com slash Lindsay Jennings, a Z L I N D S E Y J E N N I N G Z and onlyfans.com slash Lindsay Jennings. Same spelling. And your only fans. Wait, how do you get to your only fans? I'm writing this down. Actually, I did take a look at one of your videos once, but what do you mean? Well, I just, I like pay for one of your videos. How? Through OnlyFans.

So you're a subscriber? No, no, I just did one and then I unsubscribed. I just like paid 10 bucks and got the video and then I didn't want to. I hate when you have to pay every month. I hate that. So you subscribed for a month? Yeah, but I immediately, like, canceled. Canceled.

Canceled immediately, because I just, I don't want it floating over me that I got this thing I gotta cancel. So you just saved all the pictures from that month and that's what you used that for? No, I didn't save anything. I just watched a video or two. I enjoyed it. And we'll leave it at that. Well, thank you, Dan.

Thanks for the five dollars, Dan. Whatever it was. Enjoy. Thank you. Bye, Mark. Bye. Thank you. you, Dan. Thanks for the $5, Dan. Whatever it was. Enjoy. Thank you. Bye, Mark.

Bye. Okay, everybody. So podcast at comedyseller.com is our email for comments, suggestions, and compliments. And buy Periel's book, On My Knees. And you can follow us at at live from the table on Instagram. Okay. Wait a minute. I think that's Kaepernick's book.

All right. I'll see you later. Bye. Thank you. Bye.