The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Mike Finoia & Charles Wojcik

Episode Date: September 17, 2017

Charles Wojcik is an up and coming comedian based in New York City. Prior to comedy, Charles served five years in the United States Marine Corps as an intelligence analyst. Mike Finoia is a comedian and producer of the TV series "Impractical Jokers." He can be regularly seen performing at the Comedy Cellar. 

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM, Channel 99. We're here at the back table, the famous table, as read about in the New Yorker magazine of The Comedy Cellar. New York? The New Yorker did an article about the table. And we're here, of course, with Mr. Dan Natterman and Mike Fennoy. I don't know what the credits I'm supposed to introduce you with are. Just an all-around great guy.

All-around great guy. He's a writer for... Writer for TruTV's Impractical Jokers. So you can see Thursday nights at 10. Yeah, I'm here. We had Sal on the show one time. He was one of the best guests ever. Yeah, he's great.

He's a great guy. We had a show in Treasure Island Casino in Welch, Minnesota the other day. And we had to take a private jet. And it was my first time ever doing that. That's awesome, right? No. It scared the shit out of me, to be honest with you. day and we had to take a private jet and it was my first time ever doing that awesome right no um it scared the shit out of me to be honest with you because there were four seats where they they the four of them were facing the pilot and i was back to back with the pilot facing

them and it's such a tiny little plane and i was panicking the whole time and i was trying to keep cool and i had to like face my anxiety midair i'm like what happens if... The worst that can happen right now is we all die. And I just had to chew that and swallow it. It sounds like it wasn't the most luxurious of private jets. Oh, it definitely wasn't like a rap video plane. It definitely wasn't, you know. I took a small one one time, too, in Russia. And it was awesome, but I'm always scared to fly.

Yeah. And I can't pronounce your last name. It's Wojcik. You should just spell it W-O-C-H-E-K. and it was awesome, but I'm always scared to fly. Yeah. I can't pronounce your last name. It's Wojcik. You should just spell it W-O-C-H-E-K. Yeah, you should Louie it. Yeah, you should Louie it because at this point in his career, Louie had already changed his name to C-K, okay?

But anyway, Charles, you can forge your own path or go with what works. Charles Wojcik is an up-and-coming comedian based in New York City. Prior to comedy, Charles served five years in the United States Marine Corps as an intelligence

analyst. Wow. Thank you for your service, I guess, because we have to say it. Well, that's probably the main reason I invited him, Noam. Because he's a Marine and a combat veteran. And, of course, because he's a Marine and a combat veteran. And, of course, that's a very rare thing among comedians.

A combat veteran? Yeah. How come that's not in the bio, combat veteran? Because I didn't put it in. Oh, how humble. Yeah, I don't know. You actually saw combat? Yeah.

Hand to hand? Well, no, I was like punching a guy in the face. You never got hand to hand, but just with guns? Yeah, guns. What's the closest somebody ever, the enemy was ever at you? A few hundred meters. What's that in stupid civilian? Like five football fields.

Okay, perfect. Now you're speaking my language. Well, I know he was in theater. He was in Afghanistan. What I didn't know is, were you in a firefight? Yes, several. Okay, that I didn't know. Do you have PTSD?

Yeah. Well, I do Oh, okay. That I didn't know. You have PTSD? Yeah. Well, I do want to talk about his PTSD. He said he authorized me before the show because I don't ambush Gnome. Oh. I didn't ambush. I know you don't. That's why you're never going to make it in this radio business. No, I know you didn't.

Just before we get to that, Gnome, I work with Howie Mandel over the weekend, and he listens to the show. He does? He says he listens and enjoys the show. So, Howie, if you're out there, a shout-out to Howie Mandel, and I hope you enjoy this episode. Howie Mandel listens to my show? Our show, yes, exactly right. That's what he told me, anyway, and I can't imagine he's making it up.

Actually, I've been hearing more and more about people listening to the show. Judd Apatow came and said he was listening to the show one time. It's a fantastic show. Great guests. Make sure they know it's serious. We're like on our fourth or fifth year. Everyone else has been cancelled. Everyone else. And I'm just ready for them to pull the plug on me.

Never. Never. This will never get the plug pulled. At the table. Do you watch the Steve Bannon interview? No. That's what he told Trump. Go ahead. So what should we talk about first? Well, first of all, just how many other comedians are... It seems like a very rare

thing because most of us... Some of us come from the world of law. Some of us come from... Many of us are just plain layabouts that never did anything. But few, few have combat. Somewhere in the military, fewer in combat. It's a rare combination.

The comedic mental, you know. I think there's a couple older guys that definitely saw service. The guy who plays, he was in Adam Sandler's movies. He played like Farmer Fran, the coach in Waterboy. He does stand-up. And he does a lot of the tours. He was in Jeff Ross' documentary with Rocky Laporte and some of those other guys. He was an old fighter jet pilot or something.

Well, back in the day when everybody served, where people served more, like Don Riggles and all those guys were in World War II. C.P.O. Sharky was a true story? Well, I don't know, but Don Riggles did serve. Rob Riggle was one. Rob Riggle. He doesn't really do stand-up. You know, my partner George saw combat. He saw combat.

In Israel. Okay, he saw combat. I'm talking about the United States Army. And Tawil the Cook also saw combat in Egypt. And believe me, combat in Egypt is dicey, all right? But go ahead. I'm just saying, we know people in combat. Yes, but not comics, because the average comic does not have the mental...

He's a mental case, and the Army wouldn't want him, and rightly so. Did you want to be a comic whilst you were in the Army? Yeah, I wanted to do it when I was growing up, but it was just, it was like too scary for me. The comic was too scary, so you went to Iraq. That's amazing. Yeah, I was like, yeah. What was your motivation to go into the Army?

Because most of the people I talked to when I was doing the USO tour was financial or adventure. Very few of them said, because I believe in the cause. Yeah, I mean, I wanted to go to college, and that was way too much money. And I didn't want to just go to, like, community college because I worked hard in high school. So I just figured I'd enlist just to get college paid for. Now let me ask you, when you enlist and then the president decides to go to war, can you get out? I mean, I guess you can be a conscientious objector but...

No, but he enlisted after we were at war already. Yeah, I enlisted... Were you crazy? I enlisted in 2009. You enlisted knowing you might go to combat? Yeah. And you're not committed to the cause? Yeah. 2009. You enlisted knowing you might go to combat? Yeah. And you're not committed to the cause?

No, I mean, I'm not saying like I might. Was it a chick? Did you do it for a chick? No, no. That's the case with most of the people. When I was over there talking to the soldiers, most of them said, most of them enlisted after war was declared, because this was already 2008, and most of them

said their motivations were college, money. A couple people said, serve my country, but in a general sense serve my country. Nobody said, well, we've got to get those weapons of mass destruction. Or we've got to bring down the Taliban. I didn't hear that.

It was also for personal growth, because obviously I don't look like your typical... He's a very small... You were undercover. He's a five. He's smaller than I am. Yeah, 5'4".

So, you know, I was 5'3". I grew an inch in Afghanistan, actually. Did you know in high school that you were going to do it? Like, did you, like, going up, you were like, that's my plan? Because mine was to play professional baseball. I knew April of my senior year of high school. Did you get recruited or did you go to a... I went to a recruiter.

That's a good sale. I'm always fascinated by the fact that there are actually people who aren't scared out there, like people who are brave. Just the idea of gunfire. I would cry like a baby. Oh, my God, yeah. We did a show recently,

and I was talking to a security guy who worked on submarines, and he said the longest that he was underwater in a submarine was 89 days. Wow. Can you imagine being in a submarine for 80? I said, were there people that, like, lost their shit, like, five days in? Like, what do you do? You just, like, duct tape them and put them in a corner? And they said that they were on a trip before the 89 day one.

A guy lost it and they had to, you know, whatever. What's the opposite of submerge? Emerge. And drop them off at whatever friendly port. And then sink back down. With no cannibals on. Crazy. Crazy. That's where they left him.

He probably got... Chikatig Island. Is that what it was? Pit can, maybe. And he probably got charged for that too Financially? Court martial? Possibly What Nolan's not getting is there's real men in this world I just always find that fascinating

I would never I've often tried to ask myself the question, what is bravery? Is it that you don't really believe something's going to happen to you? Are you religious and think that if something does happen to you, there's something else going on? What is the mindset of somebody in that situation?

Stipulating that you have none of them, but if someone were to be brave, where does it come from? Well, I'm just saying, Charles Wojcik, was your thought, it couldn't happen to me? Was your thought, are you religious? How did you deal with that kind of knowing that you could be killed?

How did you deal with that psychologically? I mean, I was... Or maybe you didn't think death was that bad. Maybe not that bright. It's because it's college tuition. Wait a second, man. Back off. Yeah, death was that bad. Maybe not that bright. It's because it's college tuition, man. Back off. Yeah, I need that money. I don't know.

I mean, it was just whatever happened, happened. Was there a lot of brainwashing? Was there a lot of people drilling it into your head? I mean, that's what boot camp is. Well, you say it like I was there. I don't have a clue. I think it's push-ups and running. I know stripes.

I know the movie Stripes. Is it like Officer and Gentleman? Or is it more like Full Metal Jacket? I mean, you know, Full Metal Jacket's sort of an extreme, you know, it's a little push in the envelope. But no, I mean, you got, you know, the general instructors are constantly screaming in your face every day for 13 weeks. And, you know, you don't get any days off in training. So it's literally every day for 13 weeks. You don't get any days off in training, so it's literally every day for 13 weeks. No unions, huh?

No. In Full Metal Jacket, they would always make it like, only steers and queers are from Texas. Now you're from Long Island. They say, you suck Billy Joel's cock. Don't you buy me a drink? Talk about PTSD. The first time I saw Full Metal Jacket was on mushrooms.

And when he blew his brains out in the bathroom, I was like, that's it. I'm done. My night's over. It was just the beginning of the night and I called it quits. And that scene was all improv'd by R. Lee Ermey. Like the drone instructor scene? Because he was a drone instructor in the Marine Corps before that role.

Wow. Do you know any of those, like, to the left, to the left, mother, da, da, da, da? Yeah, the cadences? Yeah, you know a good one like to the left to the left Yeah the cadences Give us a good one Alright a little yellow birdie with a little yellow bill landed on my little

on my windowsill we lured him in with a piece of bread and then we squashed his fucking head Wow we're screwed We're screwed You listen to an ISIS chant It's like We're doing a You listen to an ISIS chant, it's like...

We're doing a little birdie chant. Steve wants to say something. I have a question. That's how producers even collaborate. The first one is for Noam, and the second one is for Charles. So, Noam, you were talking about how Dan, and by extension, I guess, stand-up comedians, are not brave people. I don't know if we're brave or not, but I just think psychologically most of us would be rejected. Well, you would be rejected in the military,

but so many people who are not comedians always say, oh, my God, you're so brave. I could never do that. It requires so much bravery on your part. Can I amplify that? The service of public speaking is the number one fear of human beings. That's right. I'm not being tortured by the Viet Cong.

Well, Noam, do you think that it requires a substantial level of bravery to become a stand-up comedian? And my question to Charles is, was it more difficult for you in terms of bravery to become a stand-up comedian than it was for you to join the military? Good question.

Noam, I believe you had the first question. What was the question again? Do you perceive it as stand-up as a brave act? Yes, but you know, and I've used this before, but you know like they say that Eskimos have like 50 different ways to say snow. I don't know that the term bravery when applied to the willpower to go on stage and then applied to go into armed combat, it's not actually the same bravery.

It's something you don't want to do, but it's different. I mean, it's definitely, it takes guts, but it doesn't take like, I'm not going to die up there. You know what I mean? Someone's not going to shoot you. That shit's insane, what you did. I wouldn't fight. If they brought the war here,

I'd fight. I wouldn't. You'd run? If you had to protect your family, you'd fight. I'd make sure they were well taken care of. No, I think about those things because obviously your kids... See, a lot of it, I always imagine,

I've seen this at times when I was in a situation where I thought maybe shit was going down. A lot of it is something you can't ever realize that you have within you. A lot of it, I think, is certain instincts that come out. So when your kids are threatened, I imagine it automatically kicks in. You're not thinking about bravery. You're just reacting.

Yeah. But if I had time to contemplate it and I had to actually go and enlist knowing I was going to fight, that would be very, very hard for me. Even if I knew that this shit was coming to our house. I don't know. I guess I would do it. I don't know. And listen, I have bone spurs. So you're out.

You're done. You know, I think that fight or flight thing, I think you have to be more courageous to get into a career in stand-up than actually do stand-up. Like going and doing an open mic is whatever. But then saying, I'm going to make this my life. I'm going to make this my career. I'm going to be a career soldier. You're devoting and investing your entire life and everything that you do and the sacrifices that you make and missing your family and whatever to that craft, to that task or whatever. I think that similar courage.

It's actually demeaning to the military to say that, well, okay, but I'm a stand-up comic. That's brave. I mean, Will Silvins cannot be. Not necessarily, because how many of those soldiers would be completely terrified by getting up on stage? I understand, but

it's not the same thing. Well, let's ask Charles to answer the question that you posed, Stephen, which is were you more scared doing stand-up than enlisting in the Army? I mean, I guess each has its own parts, but I may have been more scared doing stand-up because, you know, well, you need material. At least you're guaranteed work in the military. Not enlisting the army. During combat. I mean, there's similar.

The thing is, in the Marines or whatever organization you're in, you're on a team. You have a team. When you're doing stand-up, you're just up there by yourself in front of a crowd, which can be pretty terrifying. I mean, you could take this to a certain level.

Were you more scared signing up for the military or when you had to ask that hot girl out on a date? That can be petrifying, too, but it's not the same thing. But you do have PTSD, right? So obviously, which I assume you don't have it from stand-up, so I think that might answer the question. I think we all question. Not yet. You are in therapy for PTSD, I believe.

That's what you told me before you authorized me to talk about it. Yeah. And what is that therapy? Does it consist of just talking about your fears, or is it... I don't know. How does it manifest itself, first of all? How do you know you have PTSD? Well, just certain experiences I was involved in just sort of took control in my mind, like thoughts.

No, but I mean like if I came up behind you with a paper bag full of air and I went boom. Yeah, I'd probably just take your knee out in one shot. One of the kind of things that his show would do. Let's go to a PTSD clinic. We just hang a balloon on your shirt. Real soft. I'd have a reaction. P-T-I-J-G.

You would have a reaction. Yeah, I mean, I get it with people honking their horns. I get a reaction. I never was in service. But his reaction might be different. That's what I'm saying. Like, you might go, huh, like that. And what would you do?

Just literally go right for the throat? I don't know. I really don't. Well, what that. And what would you do? Just literally go right for the throat? I don't know. I really don't. Well, what happens when somebody honks a horn? Well, I usually jump. Look. Yeah. But you don't ever think you're back in Afghanistan.

There was one time I was driving last year when I was driving Uber. And I was at a red light. He's also a former Uber driver. Yeah. I was at a red light. Just mind it. You know, whatever, just sitting there. And all of a sudden, a vehicle behind me, I guess a person was texting or something. You know, they smashed into the back bumper.

And I had a flashback during that experience. What was that like? What's a flashback like? Well, it was basically, I just felt like I wasn't, I was in like a different, I was in a different place, you know. Wow. And I, you know, I just started sweating heavily, you know, started having a panic attack. And, you know, I just had to, you know, get out, go outside and just sit down for a minute. You know, I just got the shakes.

You don't talk about any of this on stage, or do you? I don't know if I've seen your act, to be honest. Not this way. You know, I try to be if I've seen your act, to be honest. Not this way. You know, I try to be funny about it. You know, the other stuff. Because some of this stuff, it can be, you know, that's a problem, you know, doing military stuff on stage is, you know, I have to connect that back so everyone else understands that. Which, that's the difficult part. Brian!

Of doing military stuff. I just want to pause for a second and say my former bandmate, Brian Stevens, has a new record out and I just saw the first video called Revolution. Is it on YouTube now?

Brian Stevens, B-R-Y-A-N-S-T-E-P-H-E-N-S. Check out Brian Stevens' new record. He used to work with me for our organization, and it's fantastic. The video is pretty amazing. Yeah, great. Okay, go ahead.

Sorry, go ahead. Oh, you know, we want to get into also, because, you know, Charles is a Marine, but he's fairly, from what I can gather from, because he's one of my Facebook friends, seems pretty liberal. Is that fair to say? Another liberal army guy. I don't know. Did you vote, or you don't want to say, did you vote for? I voted for Clinton, but it wasn't because I loved her message.

It was more so because I just didn't like Donald Trump. Well, what do you think about Donald Trump's transgender ban in the military? I mean, I could argue with both ways. For one, you know, the point that I don't understand is... Just saying you could argue both ways makes you a conservative, by the way. But go ahead. I'm serious. Go ahead. You know, I don't understand what the drawback is. He didn't lay anything out. He just sort of said no. They're banned.

And they never actually filled out the paperwork to actually have them banned, by the way. I think he only tweeted it. He thought that tweet was going in the drafts folder. He didn't know it, but he put it out. That was a shitting tweet. I know a lot of guys who on deployment they took steroids

and they didn't get kicked out because most people won't get tested for it because it's a costly test. And that shrinks your balls, which is kind of similar. It's just a longer process of becoming a woman. Well, everyone was saying, oh, they're going to have to get all these hormone injections and all this stuff. And I'm like, well, there's guys who do steroids and no one bats an eye at that. And no matter how well you are at cycling off or whatever, you're still going to have certain, manifest certain reactions.

There's only one issue which would, to me, trump, forgive the word, the egalitarian aspects of it, because I don't care if anybody's transgender or not, which is, are we likely to ever lose a human being? Because in some way, the combat effectiveness or unity or whatever it is of a bunch of a troop or what do you call it a division or whatever it is would be would have been better if not for the difficulties of somehow whether the psychological bigotry whatever it is of having somebody transgender there would anybody because if somebody would die because of that then somebody has the right to say,

well, now we're weighing the cost. Well, you would also argue before the integration of black soldiers that white soldiers might not be comfortable serving with blacks. I didn't say it was dispositive,

but that's the only argument I would begin to listen to. I don't know, because, I mean, whether you're transgender or not transgender, you know, if you can't hack it,

you know, people are going to lay into you. You know, if you're not good at your job, people are going to lay into you. If you're not good at your job, you're going to get fucked with. I've seen it. Sometimes it goes a little overboard, but if you're doing your job right and not fucking up,

no one's really going to have an issue with you. I would think it wouldn't matter. People forget after a while. It doesn't matter to me. But a lot of the people in the army, you know, I'm just wondering, the background some of them come from, they're not, you know, liberal New Yorkers necessarily. Would there be a lot of prejudice against a transgendered person? I don't know, because I was in...

Not if he puts out. Well, I was in, they repealed us. Don't ask, don't tell. Right. And, you know, I knew gay Marines. We also have some Navy people in our unit. And they're all gay, right? Yeah, all the Navy's gay.

One of the corpsmen, he was gay. That's the name of the episode. He was pretty on the more flamboyant side, but no one committed any atrocities against him. He got along with everyone. No one took him outside and beat the shit out of him. Were there transgender soldiers in your experience or whatever?

That I don't know. You'd know. That's the thing. It's not like MASH where what's his name dressed like a... The only point of contention I have is if they do go through the surgery, I don't know if there's enough, and this may be my

own ignorance, I don't know what the effects of that are, specifically of undergoing the actual surgery process. You see each other naked, right? Yeah. First day of boot camp. There you go. First day of boot camp, I saw 70

new dicks. So the idea that there might be. Wow, you counted? Yeah. Is that a vagina? I guess my whole thing would be like, listen, it's almost kind of like if it's football season and you want to take time off to do Dancing with the Stars, you don't do that during the season. You wait until after the season.

So if you're in active duty, I don't care who you want to... It doesn't matter to me what you want to do, but if you commit to a certain period of time to do service, if the procedures get in the way of your active duty, then I could see maybe a sergeant or something being

like, well, you're kind of here to fight right now. Do you know what I mean? If you're counting on 100 people and now you have 99... I would make another argument in favor of transgenders in the military that I haven't heard, although somebody probably said it, which is that leaving aside the justice

for the transgender individual, I would imagine, Dan made me think of it, that when they integrated the military, Truman did that? I don't know. I think Truman integrated the military, that that actually had a very positive effect on society because people then came home from the military and people who would have never had any experience with blacks or whatever it is, all of a sudden,

they're like, oh, no, we're all... Oh, yeah, no, it's fantastic. And I think that for transgender, too, that would be like, it would be healthy for people in the military to be with gays, be with transgender, all that stuff, because then, actually, that will then begin to take root in society at large, and we want that. The military is the most diverse organization

I'd say that we have. I don't think anybody really has a right to tell anybody what to do, as long as they're not hurting anybody, they should be free to do whatever they want, is my opinion. But if you're... What, are you a liberal? Apparently. I don't know what I am. I just like when people can do what they want without all the face painting and the, you know.

How about prostitution? You think that should be legal? Victimless crime. I think if you. How about polygamy? Whatever. Cool. I don't know.

How about abortion? I'm okay with it, I guess. Not victimless, but go ahead. I was. Shit. No, I guess. I'm not victimless, but go ahead. I was... Shit. No, I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I'm on a case-by-case basis with pretty much most things.

I'm not a blanket. I believe in all this, all that. It's all on circumstantial situations. Charles, if they did a referendum amongst military personnel, transgenders, stay or go, what do you think the result of that referendum would be? Thank you. Every now and again I get a good one in. Honestly, I don't know.

Bad answer. No, I'm kidding. I'm teasing. I don't know. I'm kind of a little far removed from it, so I don't know. Because I'm not there right now, so I don't know what the atmosphere of that. Jim Norton, let's stop talking about transgender. I'll tell you what I'm against right now now, so I don't know what the atmosphere of that... Jim Norton's on his list. Stop talking about transgender. I'll tell you what I'm against right now is Natterman's feet.

I swear to God. Imagine being in a bunker with this guy. But I think it could go either way. Yeah, so it's not an open and shut case one way or the other. I don't think so. I think there's a lot of... Well, I'll speak for myself. I'm just thinking there's a lot of people in the military that are very like, you know, blue staters or red staters rather and, you know, maybe religious.

Country music fans. Fans of country, whatever, that I would think wouldn't be down with this sort of thing. I mean, I know, I can tell you this. I know if it was up to, you know, you had the referendum. A lot of guys don't want women in the infantry. I've noted, I know that. I'm if it was up to, you know, you had the referendum, a lot of guys don't want women in the infantry. I know that. I'm against women in the infantry. I will come out and say,

I can be persuaded, but I think this is... What if she puts out? Yeah. I think this is just for the sake of doing it. I don't believe that it's... I don't... All right, I'm going to get in trouble.

I'm a pretty small guy. I can beat any woman in arm wrestle. I've been through this a million different times. Women are... I mean, maybe not some Russian female weightlifter, but in general, they're weaker. You don't see a lot of women firefighters,

women policemen. I suppose if a woman could actually do the job just as well as a man, then I guess I'd be okay with it, but I think what they're going to end up doing is they're going to end up lowering the standards. That's where I'm going. I think they're going to,

once they have one woman in there, they're going to say, why don't we have more? Oh, well, maybe this test is woman in there, they're going to say, why don't we have more? Oh, well, maybe this test is somehow not fair. And it never ends. And I don't see, now maybe this is sexist on my part, but I don't see it as like

blacks not being in the military. When blacks are not in the military, the presumption and what you took from that was you shouldn't have to be with blacks. They're below us. They're beneath us. That's not the case.

I mean, they don't allow women in the NBA. It's not bigotry. Okay. You know, I don't know. What do you think about women? Yeah, I mean, I go back and forth with it. You know, if a woman passed the test, you know, they should put her in.

Okay, but isn't there a whole resource that has to be spent for that? That's true. Roaming them, accommodating them. Because you would have to, I mean, based on the standards right now, you would have to change. You'd have to adapt it somehow. Because they keep putting them in, you know, at least in the Marine Corps side, the infantry officer course. And, you know, they keep dropping out. You know, there were a couple of women who I believe passed ranger school,

a couple female soldiers who passed that. But there's also men who drop out of that stuff too. But they don't put women generally in combat situations, do they? No, that's what he's talking about. They're talking about doing that. I think women should be in the Army. I'm just talking about combat. They also did these programs. We had what was called the FET, which is a female engagement team,

where they were sort of attached to us, and they would go out on patrol and talk to people. Because it is beneficial to have women with you, because if you're checking people and there's a woman, obviously they'd feel more comfortable with a female soldier. How about the morale? If it's better for them, they should do it then. How about the morale of women?

I mean, obviously devastating when your male buddy is killed. But women start getting killed in combat. As a society, is that not particularly horrifying to send women into that situation? As bad as it is for men to be in that situation. What other countries? Do other countries have women in the... I do not believe Israel has women on the front line. I mean, a lot of war is becoming computerized,

so I guess a lot of things become obsolete. That's a good point. But I also think there's a difference... Yeah, the front line has kind of changed. If you could be, you know, sitting and hitting a mouse. I'm not saying... In the law, as Dan knows, there's strict scrutiny for anything racial or religious.

You have to really overcome a very high burden to ever have anything which separates people based on race or their religion. Sex is not that. We separate people based on sex all the time in our society. Of course. And we don't think we do that

because we hate women or anything like that. So I'm not ready to jump into this thing about women in the infantry just for the sake of putting women in the infantry because I don't think it reflects any hatred. And I'll go a step further. I don't, and now this I know I'm a dinosaur in this, I don't really want to embrace the end

of the kind of chivalrous notion of men and women. I do kind of want to treat women protect them more than men. I do. I don't know. How do you feel about that as a soldier? What specifically? Protecting. I mean... But I guess if they want to fight, let them fight.

That's the thing. If you get... Because anyone, most of these training things, you know, it's open to pretty much anyone. Like, you just submit a thing and you go to the training. So if you get, you know, women who pass, you know, sure, integrate them in. But they got to really pass. That's my only point. They have to be able to do everything a man can do. Because when shit goes down, you really need that strength.

You need that stamina. And that was another thing. You need the aggression. It would be hard for me, too, because I'm not a big guy. But some of these guys are... They can stick you right in the cannon and just send you right over. You've got some of these guys who are 200 pounds. That's awesome.

But only a man can shoot you out of the cannon who are 200 pounds. That's awesome. And if they fall, you got them. But only a man can shoot you out of the cannon, not a woman. Yeah, yeah. You know, this conversation has me thinking about, and this is just an analogy that, I mean, when I was in high school, we had a girl tryout for the football team. And we were a small school, and we didn't have cuts. Like, if you wanted to try out, you made it.

And if you played or not combat was a different story and everyone was like we hear a girl's gonna try out for the team and some guys were like you know fuck this this is you know it's a man's game blah blah blah she wanted to be a kicker and i kind of thought about it like at first i had the initial like no this is bullshit why should she be on the team and then i thought if she football, if she's an amazing kicker, and she wants to play the sport, sure. But if you're doing it just to be a girl on the team,

then we don't... I have no interest. Here's the interesting question. So let's say we opened up the NBA to women. Good argument to say, listen, if a woman can hang there, are we going to open up the WNBA to men? Exactly. No, we never would. That's very interesting. And that's where it falls apart. So we going to open up the WNBA to men? Exactly. No, we never would. That's very interesting. And that's where it falls apart.

So we all recognize there is something going on here that we think that we know is legit. Now, how that translates into the military rules and policy and weigh that against the money that has to be spent to accommodate this against the number of people who would actually want to go into combat. Yeah. But the important thing to me is that don't call it bigotry because, in my opinion, this is not misogyny or something. Whereas not wanting blacks in the military, that's racist. That's just stupid. That's just racist.

I feel like as long as you can do it and you want it. Look, if you want to be in combat, you're already tougher than me. I want nothing to do with it. And if you could do it, God bless you. And if you could pass the test, I don't care, man, woman, black, white, whatever, go. Do it. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, there's also a lot of women who don't want to do it. You know, they just don't have an interest in it, in going to combat.

You want to know what? This guy, I'll tell you what I'm most jealous about. He put in for one of those New York affordable apartment lotteries, and he landed not one but two apartments. So this guy's got, what was it? What's it called? Is that what is it, affordable housing apartments? Yeah, it's New York City housing lottery.

Like Mitchell Llama or something? Housing lottery. So he puts in for it, and you ended up with like a never lived in studio apartment for like 800 bucks a month in the Upper West Side. Yeah, I'm up Morningside Heights up by Columbia University where I go. So a couple blocks away

from campus. I'm so opposed to that. The cheap apartments? Yeah, because I didn't get one. I am too. He got two. Let's be honest. Why should an able-bodied white guy be able to get an apartment on the dole? I mean, good for him. I'm not saying move out. What a piece of shit.

No, no. It's like, no, don't get it. I'm not thinking. What kind of asshole? Not you. No, this happens a lot. Like, I think taxes should be raised. Well, why don't you just write a check for more taxes?

Well, no. I mean, I'm not going to personally, that's a meaningless gesture. I'm not saying you should move out of your apartment. You can, but I'm saying... Good, I'm not. No, you shouldn't. But you can at the same time recognize, like, yeah, this is awesome for me, but why are we doing this?

I don't know. Why are you... Well, I think the initial argument was to just have a more diverse, interesting city with not just rich Wall Street people, but teachers. Artists. And artists and so forth. I think that may or may not have been the initial reason for it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you have to continue to show that you're working on your kind of craft or whatever.

Oh, stand-up comedy qualifies you for this? I think you have to go play. If you play acoustic guitar, you have to go. Yes. No. You have to prove that you make less than a certain amount no that's it initially get it initially get it like yeah you can after you get it you can make you know whatever they can't kick you out this stuff is I think it

tell was in one of those apartments I'm bad that's what I heard every when they were giving everybody cell phones and it was it was a whole debacle with that that's like it's like they're trying to do good. This is the problem with governments. They get into office and they got to do something. And they got a lot of money coming in. If they don't spend it, then they can't rationalize keeping. So what can we do? Hey, let's have apartments for people playing kuzik guitar.

We need more musicians. And then after they do that, they will still, then that's it. They don't sit down and say, okay, we've accomplished all. We're good here. let's all go home. No, there'll be some other new cause, even more ridiculous. Yeah, but I feel apartment rent

prices in the city are insane, though. That's called free market. No, I know, and I get you. Everybody has a right to live on Madison Avenue. No, but what I'm saying is, but what are you going to be left with? It is pretty ridiculous. The past six months I've been looking.

I finally got a new place, and I moved to a store. Especially a place like New York City, I thought. It was sickening. I had realtors say, if there's no bathroom sink, is that a deal breaker? And it was like $2,000 a month for a studio. I live in an apartment with no bathroom sink. You do? No, I don't now, but I did live in an apartment with no bathroom sink.

And we were two of us in the apartment. And it was two bedrooms, but there were no doors. It was just like a curtain. It was horrifying. You could hear everything. I mean, like sex included. Every grind. Every bump.

Thankfully, neither of us got laid a whole lot. So what, you had one night of your roommate had a... But I remember just like hearing... Your roommate woke up for four minutes. Traumatic. I remember hearing sex sounds. Oh, God. Very, very vividly.

New neighborhoods like Williamsburg sprout up. In reaction to these, Harlem... I mean, it's funny because Harlem has become all gentrified. Gentrification is exactly the result of this kind of thing. People are decrying that, but you can't, you have a few people elected

and they know nothing about anything. I mean, I've met so many politicians and journalists in Alaska, but they don't know anything about anything and they are going to decree how to organize society and how much people should spend.

It's such hubris and so arrogant. Capitalism is a little bit harsh, and things take a while to work themselves out and to wash, but it's nothing compared to the harshness of when some dumb politicians start having that kind of control over the future. They get it wrong.

Look at even the bike lanes in New York now. I don't know. That's not quite the same thing. But I am so nervous about hitting somebody by making a left-hand turn. I hate cyclists in the city. I can't stand them with their arrogance. I'm a city bike member, so you'll watch what you say. But it's just this pompous...

Look, I'm in a two-ton steel machine. You still got to pay a little bit of attention. Don't ring your stupid fucking bell at me. I'll hit you. Well, the truth is, the city bike program, I believe, has had so far, and I want to knock on wood, in the three or so years, have had zero fatalities, at least as far as I know. I'm blown away because you see these people visit New York that haven't ridden a bike in their stupid New Hampshire town for a year, and they get on and they're fucking riding around like dipshits.

Oftentimes, those people are the safest because it's the experienced bicyclists that are weaving in and out of traffic. Yeah, they suck. And delivery guys. That are quite skilled, but yet they take more risks. Oftentimes, it's the, you know, in aviation, the most dangerous pilots are not the new pilots who don't take risks and have very little confidence. They're pilots that have, say, 200, whatever the number is, they have a little bit of confidence and a little bit of swagger and start taking more risks. I'm kind of grossed out by city bikes.

I think that the first fatality was June 12, 2017. So it's relatively new. And there's only one. I bet it was a drunk brunch, too many mimosas. I hate it. But all the city, maybe... I'm always tempering because I don't really know.

Maybe the bikes will be a good thing. What's wrong with bikes? But Bloomberg, no, but the way they've, they snarl traffic now and they close. No, I've actually read that traffic moves more fluidly with the bike lanes. I'm not sure why, but there is, there is. I would never ride a bike. I've been reading that traffic is much less fluid. I don't know if it's because of the bikes.

I just know, even if it's a good... Mayor Bloomberg takes on... He was a good mayor. And he looks out over his dominion and says, what can I do? I have an idea. I think we need bike lanes. Oh, maybe we should have a pedestrian... Like, it's just because you gotta do something, right? He put too many meters up. But those are good things.

He also put up a lot of car meters, though, too. Bloomberg. Well, that's good. No, it's not. Because I drive a car. Me too. No, but there was no parking in a lot. What they did was they converted a lot of car meters, though, too. Bloomberg. Well, that's good. No, it's not. Because I drive a car. Me too. No, but there was no parking in a lot. What they did was they converted a lot of places

that you couldn't park ever to these muni meters where it actually opened up parking, I think. Maybe I'm wrong. Seemed to me. Parking sucks. Like right here on Thursday,

you never used to be able to... Or somewhere around here, you never used to be able to park and now you're able to park, but... I'm just going to check the time. There's just 700 signs on every post, too, which is...

I parked in a commercial zone outside SiriusXM, and I didn't realize... I looked at the sign, six-hour parking from 6 to 12, and then underneath it was like a little asterisk thing, like, oh, commercial zone on this day, this day, from this to that, $115 ticket. I was there for about a half hour. They also change the rates depending on where you are, you know, for the meter itself. If you're Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, you know, upper Manhattan.

Well, I like the idea that Bloomberg had proposed we're charging during the day money to get into the city. Why do you like that idea? I like that idea because if you're going to use a resource, as you as a capitalist, I would think would be down with this, streets are a valuable resource. If you're going to use a valuable resource,

you should pay for a valuable resource. What do you mean? So if you get off the train at Grand Central from, you take Metro North in, you have to pay a visitor's fee? No, no, if you drive in, Bloomberg wanted to have it such that if you drove in Manhattan below, I think it was 125th Street, during the day

you'd have to, it would be a certain fee. I'm dead set against that. That way people that really, really, really need to use the streets, it would be a certain fee. I'm dead set against that. That way, people that really, really, really need to use the streets can use the streets for money, and everybody else can take public transportation. Yeah. And this way, it's just like when the airlines started charging for exit rows. Those of us who really want an exit row will pay for it

and get the damn exit row. Yeah, but if you can't get a free exit row, you don't deserve it. The truth is, we don't have the product. There's a product that we don't have in this city, and that product is being able to drive fluidly. That product does not exist. I want that product. You hit on a much better example than my bike lanes thing.

This is what it is. This was typical Bloomberg. He never worked a day in his life. He doesn't know what it's like to be a plumber. Bloomberg's never worked a day in his life? The way middle class people work, the people who work for me or a plumber or an air conditioner, the people who drive whatever it is. He gets driven everywhere.

He's going to decree now that I couldn't give a shit what the tolls are. I make enough money. I don't even go three minutes out of my way to save the toll. But people making middle class wages, every dollar matters to them. So now you're going to say, okay, we're going to charge you to come to work now and charge you. And that's no problem because if no problem, then you can take public transportation. But maybe you don't want to fucking take public transportation.

Maybe you want to be able to have a nice lifestyle. We're in your car, comfortable, go to work, be able to make a few stops, not have to go out in the cold to the train station, wait for the train like this is kind of like he doesn't care. No, no. And this is what I'm saying where they just get so fucking arrogant about it. There's too many people. That's the problem.

No, but it works itself out in the end. I think you write that off in your taxes though. Although tolls if you drive in. What's that? I think you write that off in your taxes. Can't you? No, if you drive in. What's that? I think you'd write that off in your taxes, though, can't you? No, I can't write it off. Those people that really, really, really want to leave? Yeah.

I do. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, if it's for work. Train tickets, subway tickets, you name it. Anything that you can... You can't write off your... You can't write off your...

No, you can't write off commuting. You can't write off commuting. It depends what you do. Of course, you can write off when you have to get to a gig, but you can't write off commuting. You can't write off commuting. And it's just... We just need a vacant and non-vacant sign on the RFK. Of course, you can write off when you have to get to a gig, but you can't write off commuting. Can't write off commuting. We just need a vacant and non-vacant sign on this. I just want to make sure we get Mikey's plug in because we're getting toward the end of the hour.

And I know Mikey wanted to plug something. I'm going to be headlining Comedy Works in Denver, the downtown club, September 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. I was just in Denver opening for Howie Mandel, as I mentioned. A listener of this show. A beautiful city. Love it. I used to live there. And I'm excited to go back. Beautiful club. I don't do clubs anymore, generally speaking, because I just can't take it anymore. I've hit the wall. And luckily

I've been getting one-night corporate gigs so that, like the opening for Howie gig. Cool. Thanks for pissing on my fireworks. But I do clubs, and I'm going to be at the Comedy Works in Denver. So you can go to comedyworks.com and buy tickets. You're lucky that you can do clubs. Dan Niderman, that's what he does.

You're lucky that you can do clubs. Pissing on you, I'm admiring you. I'm joking. I'm joking. You're lucky that you can do them. I thought this was a comedy show. Relax. We're kidding.

Everything was a joke. I literally can no longer do them psychologically anymore. I just can't. You have PTSD. I have PTSD. I don't know what it is. You know what else irked me? The seatbelt law.

Wait a minute. Now, how do we go from... You irked me more babies. Get rid of them. I like the seatbelt law. Why do you like the seatbelt law? It's just another excuse for a cop to look at you and find a way to pull you over. I don't like the seatbelt beeper in the car.

Because I do think it saves lives. So what if it saves lives? I have an idea. Let's outlaw motorcycles. It's a cost benefit. Let's reduce the highway speed limit to 45 miles an hour. There's so many things we can do to save lives. I've never driven one

block without wearing my seatbelt. Ever. It's a cost benefit. Putting on a seatbelt, making motorcycles illegal, it would be a tremendous, tremendous negative for those who love to ride motorcycles. But putting on a seatbelt is very, very easy, and I think if you look on balance at the cost benefit, you'd probably, the benefit would be greater. It gives the cops another excuse to pull over black people

and give them a hard time. I'm actually serious. I'm actually serious. I'll tell you what pisses me off is pants. Enough with the pants. Enough! Are you talking about black people pants? No!

Just straight up pants. Honestly, I bet you that black people would be against the seatbelt. I fucking got me on that. Well, yeah. Well, African Americans suffer from traffic accident fatalities. I bet you that black people would be against the seatbelt. I fucking got me on that. It's like, well, yeah, I mean. Well, African-Americans suffer from traffic accident fatalities. Look, if you want to pull you over.

I would think that this is actually probably helping that community. It doesn't matter if they want to pull you over. They're going to find a reason to pull you over. Anyway, whether it's comedy works in Denver. I just want to reiterate that because we were accused of not sufficiently Ryan Hamilton was here and we were accused of not sufficiently plugging his hour special

so I just want to make sure we don't make the same watch Ryan Hamilton's fantastic hours right after you go to Comedy Works downtown, they have two clubs go to comedyworks.com Ryan Hamilton will be in Paris also, I read online. Yeah, with, I guess, Gad's... And I have to say...

What the fuck? You don't do continents anymore, I heard. No, no, no. You just do one-nighters. Why was I not invited to Paris? I hate to... I mean, it just seemed weird to me. That I wouldn't be the obvious person.

Because maybe Paris is looking at clubs. Maybe that's where they're scouting. I think Paris has people. I think you're high maintenance. I think people just love Ryan Hamilton, and rightly so. He is delightful. And I have to face facts, he's a better human being than I am and more likable. That's your own ego getting into your head.

You're a pretty great person. I have to face facts that people love Ryan Hamilton in a way they'll never love me. Hey, we had dinner that time. That's right, and how delightful was Ryan? He was a very nice guy. And if I dropped dead at that dinner, you wouldn't have cared. Hey, I drove you home. Semperfi to you, my friend.

I don't know if I'm authorized to say that. Can I as a civilian or a denier? Before we end, can I please ask the whole thank you for your service thing? Do we have to keep saying that shit? No. Okay, good. I want to hear about the firefight that you were in. The firefight? Which one? Well, whatever, whatever, whatever. Quit? No. Okay, good. I want to hear about the firefight that you were in. The firefight?

Which one? Well, whatever, whatever, whatever. Quit bragging. Yeah, I know. Okay, let's be honest here. I don't want to activate his post-traumatic disorder. Certainly if he's willing to talk about it. That's why I waited to the end.

But here's my question. First of all, let's be honest. What are the racist terms that you guys use to describe the enemy when shit was going down? Come on now. Don't was going down. Come on now. Come on. Was there like goat fucker I think was one? Nice. Take it easy. I was kidding.

Get him. What's the matter with you? Where should I start? Goat fucker. So let me ask you a question. Let's say later on in your career you're a congressman, and it comes out, somebody reports, he called these actors.

No, I didn't call it. Well, let's say you did. I heard it. Let's say your friend did. Yeah. Would you think it was reasonable to judge that person for saying goat fucker if they had said that in combat? Nobody would say that in combat.

I'm asking him what he thinks. Nobody would say that in combat. I'm asking him what he thinks. Nobody would judge that. You don't think if he was using the N-word in combat that somebody would hold that over? And I'm not saying they shouldn't. I'm asking what you think about that. In other words, is it ever excusable? Like, because, for instance, people used to call them...

Like, in the heat of the moment? They used to call them Japs. They used to call them Japs. My father, they would say Japs. used to call them Japs people my father they would say Japs at that time and then we look back on it and I'm like

how could they call them Japs you know what I'm saying no we don't look at it like that nobody looks at it like that yes they do Dan we look at it as they were in combat we look at it as they were in combat nobody

can you let an answer do you really have to intercept is it possible to let the fucking guy answer do you have to answer for him you know I'm answering for the civilians that you say are judging. And I'm a civilian. And no civilian judges a soldier for using disparaging remarks about the enemy.

What do you think? When you heard them saying goat fucker, did it bother you? And who's to say goat fucker is pejorative necessarily? If it's consensual. If you don't like goat fucker is pejorative necessarily? If it's consensual. If you don't like it, why do they get so wet? I'm sure they have names for us, too. That's a tell-all joke.

Fat chick fuckers. White privilege? Is that their name for Americans? We got a bunch of targets. I want to hear some of the names. Goat fuckers, what else? Goat fuckers. I heard this one, Dune Coon.

Oh, that. Now, there's a better example, because that's Coon has a double meaning. So, that's not all right. Not a fan of that. But were there not. And Dune was a pretty good movie. Were there not people from desert climates in the Army on the American

side that might... Or somebody maybe from the Hamptons where they have Dunes. Did you have any Muslims fighting with you? Oh, go ahead. If you, right now, you're in high school. Okay, it's 2017. You're from Suffolk County. They got the Dunes there. If you're in high school and that, would you join

the Marines right now? Trump's president, you got to pay for college, blah, blah, blah. Would you do it? Yeah, because I didn't enlist solely because Barack Obama was president at the time. I'm not saying that, but I'm also not going to get on a bus with a guy with no eyes driving. You know what I mean? Not that that's true. The bus with a guy with no eyes driving. You know what I mean? Not that that's true. Are you saying our president is a guy with no eyes?

I'm not a fan, but I want to know what your thoughts are on. Would you join if you weren't too, let's say you were totally against. I don't know what you're, you know. No, I mean, I would have. It wouldn't have, you know, discouraged me to. I still would have. Because, you know, I had to look out for my own, you know. For the other country's army? Yeah.. Because I had to look out for my own... For the other country's army?

Oh, I had to look out for my own interests. Yeah. And you got it, right? Yeah. You got your college money. I'm in my senior year. So can you tell us about... Or is it too painful to talk about? Oh, no. I mean... What, college? Well, yeah. I mean, Chloe is right.

Is it something where you're sleeping in your barracks and all of a sudden you have to get out of it and go fight? Or is it something where it's scheduled to kind of work your way up to it and you know you're going to go fight? Well, I mean, you know, the base I was on, you know, we got attacked a couple times, you know, just being on the base. But then most of it's when you go out on patrol. Oh, God. You go out on patrol, you're, just being on the base. But then most of it's when you go out on patrol. Oh, God.

You go out on patrol, you're talking to people. Because you go out, you talk to people, see what they need. You know, what's going on in their area, how they're doing. And then usually what happens is someone will see that you're patrolling, so they'll go run and tell whoever, like, hey, Americans are out. You know, and then they'll get their weapons, whatever. They'll go in a tree line or whatever and just start shooting. It's unbelievable.

No wonder. I mean, how do you not have PTSD from that? You were ever hit with a bullet? Not a bullet, no. What were you hit with? Trapnol. Well, my first firefight, because we also, at the time, we had Afghan soldiers patrolling with us. You know, they called them partnered patrols.

Benedict Arnold's. Yeah. They called them dune friends. Yeah. Dune dudes. The one guy had an RPG, which is a rocket-propelled grenade. And we start, you know, we get in a firefight. It was my first one.

You know, I'm on a berm. I'm just, you know, we get in a firefight. It was my first one. You know, I'm on a berm. I'm just, you know, shooting with my rifle, and this Afghan soldier has the rocket-propelled grenade. He comes up next to me. I didn't see him. He shoots the rocket off, and there's a backblast area on the rocket because it's this huge projectile, so all this smoke and stuff comes out, and fire comes out of the back.

And he shot it next to my head. I got hit with what they call the backblast. You know, it was about six inches. It was friendly fire. Yeah, more or less. Friendly backblast. I mean, it was... Yeah, I mean, it was an incident. He wasn't careful enough. No, yeah, exactly. And I, you know, got knocked out.

Knocked out? I had a concussion. Did you get up again? No, yeah, exactly. And I, you know, got knocked out. Knocked out? I had a concussion. Did you get up again? Yeah, yeah. You know, eventually. Do you know if you have any confirmed kills? I doubt it. Sensitive question. Very sensitive question. Well, what the hell? We're here. Well, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. We're pals, right? You shot like stuff and maybe

it hit somebody. Yeah, I mean yeah, I don't think I did. But, you know. They put blanks in your gun. Yeah. They gave me a rape whistle. That's what I had out there. Well, anyway, listen, I cannot admire anybody who

takes his education so seriously. He's getting a creative writing degree with it. What an idiot. That's great. We Jews think we take education seriously. No.

We have online classes now. It's Red State America. Community college you made doing wonders. Oh, man. Anything else? Well, it is always humbling to be in the presence of a soldier reminding us that we are less than real men. But we thank you for coming. Thank you.

Yeah, dude. Glad you're safe. I'll tell you, you know, like in this war, like in World War II, you just had to go because you would have felt like such a piece of shit if you didn't go. Like this war, the Gulf War and and Gulf War II, and Desert Storm. What was the name of this operation in Afghanistan? Operation Enduring Freedom. That you could get away with.

I love the name. Yeah, really. Seriously, it's turning into like a show on the Learning Channel. That you could get away with not going.

I don't meet a lot of veterans, so I don't feel too horrible about myself. But I can see how like in World War II, you just had no choice. Because if everybody, like, Charles is just one dude, and he's the only one I know. If everybody

around me was a combat veteran, and I wasn't, I couldn't handle that. You'd go. I'd have no choice, because otherwise you're a fucking pussy. Let me tell you something. It's something else for a guy, and Dan knows this is true. We also kind of know that they're not going to put me on the front. Like, I'm too fucking wimpy and

I'm going to be, you know... Well, in World War II, they might have. I had LASIK done, so I can't go. I'm out. I fold. I'm done. In World War II, they might have. Get it now. It wore off. I had good eyes for 11

years, and now they're worse than they were before. You can go in with LASIK. No, I'm sticking to my story. Operation Laysa. Unfortunately, you can't use homosexuality as an excuse anymore. So Dan's out. Because that's the easiest one. You go to the recruiter and say,

Hey! Bruce Springsteen, I read his biography. He got out because he just... Him and his friends all knew for some reason that the Newark recruiting office... He got drafted, Bruce Springsteen. And this is in his autobiography. And for some reason, they knew that the Newark office

was very... They rejected a lot of people. They had that reputation. So they stayed up all night for three days and they were smelly. And they weren't taken for that. Would you, on the whole, prefer that the President of the United States served in the military?

I mean, I don't really care, but I think it helps. You don't really care. No. I do. Commander-in-Chief is his title, and that's something that you've got to have a little bit of knowledge about. Well, that's why they have the Secretary of Defense. What if you served in Sherrod's Twitter Army?

And if you're not familiar with that, Sherrod's Twitter army. You have to imagine that somebody like John F. Kennedy, having been in combat or whatever he was in, just he understands there is something about being in something that allows you to understand things in a way. Can I give an example? And that will be the last thing I'll say. I had a thought.

It was actually about race relations, but it started somewhere else, where I was listening. Did I tell you this already? The child that died in that country in the hurricane that I never heard. It's like a little island country. It's not Bermuda.

Barbuda? Barbados? Barbuda? Is that Tegan Barbuda? Barbuda. I'd never heard of it. Anyway, they had, on the news, a mom lost her child in the hurricane surge. And she's talking about it.

And now I have three kids. And I was stricken. I could barely listen to this. It was affecting me so viscerally. And I thought, before I had children, of course the story would have upset me. I'm human. But not the way it does. I didn't really understand.

I could never understand it the way I do now. I can really imagine what she's going through in a way I never could. Maybe that's the way it is about being another color as well. Both ways. No matter what, I can understand it's wrong racism.

I kind of understand that. But I can't really, really, really understand it. And I think, what does it mean to be in war? All these things. It's always best to have somebody making these decisions whenever possible, I think, who really, really does understand. It's not just theory to them or mental exercise in trying to put themselves in someone else's shoes. They've actually been in someone else's shoes.

Yeah, but just because you went to war doesn't mean you were effective, though. That's the point that I would argue, is just because you served doesn't mean you know what the hell you're doing. Take that. Take that, you pipe of smoke. Okay. But I'm not voting for you when you run.

I agree. I think that it's more because you're not going to do that, you're not going to make that knee-jerk reaction. You're going to maybe think about it and say, because you can learn from your mistakes as well. Maybe being a bad soldier makes you good. John McCain, who has been through the worst of it, is still kind of a hawk. I guess Thomas Jefferson should never have been president as he was never in the military. What about even John Kerry? Would he have been a good president?

You know, I don't know. You know, in 2004 when he was. No, I don't think it's enough. I would prefer it if they did. No, I would not vote for John Kerry under any circumstances. That's why Bill Murray would make a great president because he played. He played him in a movie. That's right.

Also, there's just a credibility. Like when Trump didn't serve and the Bones, and Bill Clinton, too, also was a draft dodger, essentially. And now they're sending kids to die. It is troubling. Well, we're only, and this conversation is going to be null and void in a couple years anyway, because it's not like in the past there was drafts and there was whatever. And there was kind of like you either went to work for your parents shop

or you got a trade or you were a doctor or you went to the war. Or you inherited a comedy club. Or you inherited a comedy club. I do have to make a correction. You'll forgive me but I mentioned that African Americans had higher rates of traffic fatalities. It turns out not to be true according to my research.

Black, white, rather white, African and Hispanic American populations were very similar. Asians had a much lower fatality rate, contrary to the stereotype, but Native Americans

were more than twice the national average. So in any case, I did want to make that correction. Not that anybody gives a fuck. But I do like to set the record clear. But you know those things can always be deceiving because it would not shock me.

It could be because Asians drive safer cars or live in safer neighborhoods. You're just believing the internet, which is another thing that I think is just... It's very hard to believe Asians. That's so not true. My cursory research, I will... Yes, that is true.

And I will research it more when I get home. It's at Asianopedia.com. We're not going to Bruce Springsteen. I know we talked about it, but the prices of these tickets are. I'm getting tickets. Do you see how much these tickets are? How much? I mean, they're on the aftermarket now for like $3,000 to $4,000 a ticket.

Oh, no, no, no. That's what I'm saying. No, there's no. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself. If you said, here, let's go, I would not be able to... For the front row... I'll spend $500 a ticket.

I would spend $500 for a front row ticket. No, I'll spend $500 for a good perimeter ticket. Well, look. I would like to be in the front row for $500. I don't know if I was invited or not. Did you have troops come entertain you when you were out? Yeah, we had a couple comedians come.

Anybody funny? Who do we have? Sarah Tiana. Oh, yeah, I know Sarah. Jodie Miller. I think there was another one, but I forget her name. I didn't do Afghanistan.

I was told that was more interesting. I did Iraq. I was told Afghanistan was more interesting amongst those who did V8, what's it called? The USO. The USO tours and those sorts of shows, that it was a little more rugged to be in Afghanistan. We're out of time, by the way. So many questions.

We can go a few minutes a little bit beyond. But so, you know, that might have been more interesting. Yeah, sometimes. Were you able to, you know, partake of the dark side of the Internet? You know, like go hit a dune and relieve yourself? No, no. Because all the government computers had, you know, they were all. So you're all just backed up, pent up.

You decided to use your imagination. No, no. Because usually people bring their laptops and they have like that. You know people masturbated for thousands of years before they had porn. Have you tried without it recently? It's impossible. I have my wife. I don't need porn. External hard drives. They would put the

porn on the external hard drives. The truth is, I've read that soldiers don't masturbate as much as you would think. They're under tremendous amounts of stress and fatigue, and this is not conducive to masturbation. What kind of privacy? It is kind of like marriage.

I was there for a week and only did it once, once we got back to Arafjan, the base in Kuwait. Well, then, Dan, let me say thank you for your service. On that note. No thanks necessary. It was an honor and a privilege. All right. Is that the case?

Just one quick question. Is that the case if masturbation goes down in a military, in theater? I don't, I mean. And not in a porn theater. Did it for you? The first month, I didn't. The first, you made it a month. Yeah.

You made up for it the next month, or? Yeah, you know, then I started doing it. I mean, you gotta, you know. Any confirmed kills? How did you do it? Well, I got, then I started doing it. I mean, you gotta, you know. Any confirmed kills? How'd you do it? Well, I got walked on in on a few times. Oh,

boy. Yeah. I mean, eventually I just got desensitized to that, though. I didn't really care. Were there just, it was just happening willy nilly around you?

No, I mean, it didn't happen every day, but you know, there were a couple times it happened. I was like, whatever, I don't care.

I mean, is it seeing somebody masturbate? Yeah. Like walking in or, you know? It's like summer camp. What kind of summer camp did you go to? Boot camp I didn't at all. No.

They say there's higher testosterone in the military. Well, but again, you're in a very stressful situation. I mean, this is not like conducive necessarily. I feel like that's when you should. I do it as a stress reliever. Well, there's stress and then there's stress. And I don't know combat

stress. Well, I can't speak to it, but I know that when I'm in very stressed out situations, not just normal stress, but exceeding stress, that masturbation goes out the window. Yeah, I mean, it didn't always enter my mind. Especially, and if you're in combat, obviously, you're not going to stop, put the gun down

in order to pick up the other gun. Yeah. The love gun, as Kiss called it. I guess, Dan. In MASH, they were banging each other left and right. I know that. They weren't in combat. All right.

But in any case, once again, I say Semper Fi to you. Oh, thank you, Mr. Miller. What does that mean? It's Semper Fidelis. It's always faithful. That's the Marie Kormato. No, I knew that. I never knew what it meant. Me neither. And once again, very humbling,

always humbling to have Charles Wojcik. You know what bugs me about the military? We'll tell you this. I get emails all the time by somebody who me about the military? I will tell you this. What's that? I get emails all the time by somebody who was in the military who uses it as an excuse to ask for no cover. Yeah, man. And then you've got to say, sorry, but thank you for your service. No, and sometimes I'll even, I should have the radio.

Like if they have a good story, I'll be like, all right. But they can't get it. But it's just like, what, really? Is that really? Wouldn't the military disapprove of that? Yeah, I mean, I never really. Do you get any, like, coupons? I don't look for it.

I mean, getting pussy with it, I understand. Yeah. I mean, I would do that, too. But you shouldn't be asking for something. No, I never really look for the discounts or whatever. I was like, whatever. I used to talk about my military experience all the time. It works. It works. All right., whatever. I used to talk about my military experience all the time. It works.

It works. All right. Anything else? I think that's about it. Who do we have next week, Stephen Calvert? I think there should be a draft, by the way, but that's a whole other show. Well, of course, we could talk all day long about military.

That's the answer to our social fabric problem and our immigration problem and all the problems we have in America is to draft everybody, give them two years of national service, throw them all in there together, let them get to know each other, let them spend some time working for the United States of America,

loving their country. I think that would do the country a world of good. Next week we have Rebecca Traister. I'm not sure who that is. And she wrote the book All the Single Ladies, Unmarried Women, and the Rise of my eyesight is not what it used to be. The rise of the independent nation.

Of an independent nation. And Jenna Friedman will be joining her. Oh, no. I can't say anything with Jenna here. She gets mad at anything. Anything I say, she's going to get mad at. She does tend to do that, yes. She's quite the feminist.

We will see her next week. Charles Wilczek, thank you. Oh, thank you for having me on. For coming, and feel free to stop by any time to hang out. I'm not saying no one's going to put you on stage.

I can't speak for no one. But certainly to hang out and have some hummus. All right. At full price, but... Don't scare him. Hummus! Some dude snacks.

All right. And Mike Fennoya, once again, Denver Comedy Works in the downtown room,ia, once again, Denver Comedy Works. In the downtown room, you said? Yes. Denver Comedy Works. September 21st, 23rd.

Okay. That is all. We'll see you next week. Good night. Thank you.