The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Mike Yard, Krystyna Hutchinson, Khadeeja Safdar, and Paul Mecurio

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

Mike Yard is a standup comedian and regular performer at the Comedy Cellar. Krystyna Hutchinson is a standup comedian and co-host of the podcast "Guys We Fucked." Khadeeja Safdar is a reporter for the Wall Street Journal. Paul Mecurio is a standup comedian and regular performer at the Comedy Cellar.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. My name is Noam Dorman. I'm the owner of The Comedy Cellar, and I'm here with Mike Yard. Christina, what's your name? Christina Hutchinson. Hutchinson? Hutchinson. Hutchinson. Christina Hutchinson.

Honor to be here. Half of the Guys We Fuck podcast. Wait a minute. I just get Mike Yard? No. Who is Mike Yard? Well, Mike Yard is one of the leading comedians working now. He was a key member of the now defunct Nightly Show.

You didn't have to say defunct. You could have just said the Nightly Show. Not responsible from what I hear. I'm not responsible for it at all. I tried my best. Your segments were awesome. I loved you on that show. I had a lot of fun. Not responsible, but not enough.

Wasn't good enough to carry it. I guess not. I mean, if Eddie Murphy had been on that cast, the nightly show might have still been on. Jesus, man. I'm just saying. But anyway, Mike is very... Eddie Murphy will keep a lot of shows on. Let's be real.

Mike was clicking his heels when he walked in tonight, and I think I know why. Why? OJ's getting out. Oh, you're damn right. Nine years of hard work fulfilled. He's 70. OJ's free. Run, OJ's getting out. Oh, you're damn right. Nine years of hard work fulfilled. He's 70. OJ's free. Run, OJ, run.

Tell me the truth, Mike. Tell me the truth. Because Mike and I, we don't talk racial stuff much because he gets too mad. Rightfully so. Yeah, I was going to say. That makes sense. Noam says some hurtful shit. Really?

Sometimes. Are you racist? Not by my standards. I was going to say. That makes sense. Noam says some hurtful shit. Really? Sometimes. Are you racist? Not by my standards. He's racist adjacent. Not by your standards. No one's racist by their own standards. He's racist adjacent. Like, he's close to it.

He doesn't yell at his friends that are racist. Listen, you know what? You know what? This is an interesting question. You want to know if I'm happy if OJ is free? First of all, no. I want to know. Hold on.

What I want to know is, first of all, was it 20 years ago? When was the OJ trial? It was 1997, right? Yeah. Did you, 95, so 22 years ago, did you think that OJ was innocent or guilty at the time? Tell the truth. I'll tell you the truth. The absolute truth is this.

We have some recording we're going to play in a minute. The absolute truth is this. I thought he might have done it. However, I wasn't mad that he beat the system because we normally get beat up by the system. So it was good to see a brother win one. And I'm not sure he did it. I can't say definitively like a lot of people that have been on the radio today. Oh, brother.

I wasn't there, bro. I can't say definitively. The glove did not fit. We knew he did it before the trial even started. We knew he did it when he wrote a suicide note,

got into the Bronco with a gun, and tried to leave the country. Who does that when their wife gets killed? He's really sad that his wife died.

Exactly. You don't know. Before any of the evidence came in, the guy takes a gun, leaves a suicide note, apologizes, and tries to leave the country. Maybe he was temporarily insane because his wife was brutally

murdered. That could have been it. Maybe he really didn't care about her. You've been lying to girlfriends for too long. Real people don't believe that kind of story. You have to pay $35 million the next case. The civil suit. When they actually caught him with the shoes. Yeah.

He said, I would never wear those ugly-ass shoes. But then they actually found the shoes, so then he was done. Of course, there was blood everywhere. Yeah. He didn't know how he had cut his knuckles. The limousine driver. He was stressed out. Ringing the doorbell.

He's not home. Then he sees a guy, a dark figure in a sweatsuit, coming up the back of the house. Then he sees a light in the bedroom going on. Then OJ comes. I mean, the evidence was overwhelming. I hear what you're saying, but I also watched Rodney King get beat by cops on video and none of them went to jail for that. This is your mistake. And this is

why it's interesting what's racist and what's not. Because really, that opinion is actually racist. Don't interrupt me and I'll tell you why. Because really, that opinion is actually racist. Don't interrupt me and I'll tell you why. Because he believes that someone who happens to be the same color

as somebody else should somehow be held, his destiny should be held in the balance. In other words, if somebody white does something terrible to somebody,

then another white person should pay for it. If he is going to pay for it, and that's somehow justice. But he's the only... And that's somehow justice. He's one of the few black men that got found. And the point is,

that's racism. So black men are treated badly by the cops. If a black guy kills his wife, that's somehow justice. That's not. Because humans... Nobody's born justice. That's not because humans, nobody's born guilty. You're only responsible. I am not any more responsible for slavery

than you are, my brother. Do you know that? I am not. I don't feel responsible for slavery. The United States of America is responsible for slavery. My DNA, your DNA, what difference does it make? We're responsible for the lives that we lead now. Can I respond to your accusation that you just made? I'm going to filibuster until... I see you keep talking like you don't want me to say something. I do want to talk, Can I respond to your accusation that you just made?

I'm going to filibuster. I see you keep talking like you don't want me to say something. No, I do want to talk, but I want to make sure I make my point. I think that it's absolutely wrong to ever say that it's okay

for anybody to suffer anything that he didn't deserve because he happened to be the same color as somebody who did something or you happened to be the same color as somebody who was innocent. Go ahead. Well uh you were completely wrong as to my reasoning for me for bringing up

rodney king because the reason i brought up rodney king is because you're talking about a case with purely circumstantial evidence and i'm looking at a case with visual evidence i'm watching this guy get beat and he they didn't get convicted but you want a dude on purely circumstantial evidence to get convicted. That is my point. It ain't got nothing to do with being black or white. It has everything to do with the evidence. You did say at the top of this that you were happy about it because we've been getting something.

Yeah, but that's not the reason I brought up Rodney King. Yeah, I was happy that a brother beat the system. Of course I was. We get beat by the system all the time. And if that's racism, then I'll accept that. I'll accept that because we get beat too much. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I mean, listen, I understand on a human level

why you feel that way. You know, I totally get that. I don't mean to minimize that. Viscerally, I get that. Fuck them. They do it to us all the time. But a lot of bigotry comes from that place. Like, fuck them.

I've been mugged six times by black guys. My mother, fuck. That's kind of the same place that it comes from. And it's wrong. It's wrong. And we should check ourselves when we find ourselves feeling that way. I agree with you 100%. But we are all humans after all.

And, you knowotions are strong. Our community definitely reacted emotionally. We didn't give a damn about OJ. I didn't care about OJ. I wasn't a fan. But just to watch the system get beat by a brother in some

small way. That was like a first. It was a good feeling for the black community. We're not going to run from it. It was real. I get it. It was a good feeling for the black community. And we're not going to run from it. It was real. I get it. So it's interesting. But my opinion is the one that's more likely to be called racist in this ridiculous climate that we live in.

But anyway. We're almost going to introduce the guys. So last week, Christine and I, we had a big fight a couple weeks ago about male sexuality versus female sexuality. It was fun. In what context? Raising his daughter versus raising his son in different ways, different attitudes towards their sexual activity.

But then the next week, we had a woman on, and she was writing an article about how to teach girls to masturbate, blah, blah, blah. And she was really good. But then we got into into it and she accused me of normalizing rape. I'll tell you just why very quickly because I brought up, and this is,

who is it, Andrew Schultz who does the whole routine about this? Does the whole routine about the teacher, your mic's not plugged in. Oh yeah,

the kids, yes, Andrew. So I said that if I had slept with my English teacher, Ms. Olson, I had a hot English teacher, Ms. Olson, in the 10th grade, I think I'd be fine about it today.

But I know girls who were seduced by their teachers in high school and they're furious and kind of traumatized by it afterwards. And this is one example, and it harkens back to the conversation that you and I had, Christina, about that there are some differences between sexuality in every male and female of every species on the planet, including humans. And it's absurd to think that they are not. So when I said this example about how, she says, well, they're both rape.

And I'm like, I said, yes, of course they're both rape. Legally, yes. I'm not talking about legal. I'm talking about a psychological question. And she told me I was normalizing rape, but she walked off the show. When I was in seventh grade, I tried to seduce my English teacher. My male English teacher from seventh to ninth grade. Why does that not surprise me?

I thought he was so hot. All I wanted to do was just be in a room with him and touch him. And he was creeped out. This was seventh grade? Seventh through ninth grade. Okay, but did you want to bang him? Yeah. Well, I've never. Seventh but did you want to bang him? Yeah. Well, I've never...

Seventh grade, you wanted to bang a teacher? I hadn't had sex yet until high school. But not that, but I wanted to just be physical with him. I was in love with him. Yeah. And I was creepy to him. That's normal. But seventh grade is a little too early.

But the fact is that the age of consent in Puerto Rico is what? Fifteen, I think. Fifteen or 14. So in different places in the world, when you start getting to be like 16 and 17 years old, you are really on the, you can fall over the line. However, just saying that your English teacher looked at you in seventh grade and said, I was 15. My boyfriend was 19 when I said.

You try that as a senior in high school, and a lot of English teachers may- Take the bait? Yeah, they would definitely take the bait. And I'd be like, thank you. And then they'll go to jail. And rightfully so. That's something that she couldn't get. I'm not saying it's okay.

I'm just trying to analyze. I have a son. I don't want him banging the English teacher. But if my daughter has sex with an English teacher, I'm going to feel that somehow was different. That she was violated in a different way. Right, but that assumption

of, well, women get taken advantage of or they get tricked or they get manipulated, she might have wanted it. I wanted it when I was in seventh grade and the teacher

was a responsible person. Anyway, so after that, she walked off the show. So I said, do you think there's any differences between male sexuality and female sexuality? She goes, there the show. So I said, do you think there's any differences between male sexuality and female sexuality?

She goes, there are not. I said, how do you know that? She goes, studies show that. And I said, no. No study shows that. Every study shows that there are differences. And then I began to Google

and study after study after study. Yeah, I mean, there are differences for sure. Yeah, okay. So that might all lead us now very nicely to Khadija. Khadija Savdar is a New York-based corporate reporter covering the retail industry, including apparel, beauty, and future. He does wordy introductions.

This is her introduction on the Wall Street Journal website. So therefore it's appropriate for the radio show. Exactly. She joined the Wall Street Journal in 2013 and graduated from Columbia University, where she also earned a master's degree in journalism. Now, and here's the key part. She authored the recent article, Who Pays on the First Date? No One Knows Anymore. It's Really Awkward.

So I want you to tell us a little bit about that. But before that, I want to know, are you married or single? I'm married. You're married. And how long has it been since you've had a first date? It has been five years. Five years. Okay, just for context.

Now, go ahead. Just give us a little overview of your research and what you concluded. So I think I'm a bit of an outsider to the Tinder dating phenomenon. And so I have a lot of friends who are single, and I'm usually really interested and fascinated by their stories. And so I originally got the idea from there. I had a bunch of friends who were complaining that they get asked out on these dates and the other person isn't willing to pick up the check. And it's really awkward when you get to the time to who pays the check.

One friend, she described an incident where she went to a date at a bar and the guy, he went to the bar and brought two drinks back and she assumed one was for her, but they were both for him. And she sat there with nothing. And so I just thought, I don't know, maybe I'll start interviewing people and find out maybe there is some confusion around who pays the check. and as i talk to guys and girls i realize that people are generally confused they have very diverging opinions and people are very they were very had very strong views and what their opinions are so and what's the spectrum of opinions so um so for the most Or what opinions seem to go with which populations? Okay, so for the most part, women tend to think that a guy should pick up the check on a date.

Oh, that's so feminist of them, yeah. And the guy's opinions were across the spectrum. A lot of them were pushing the idea that we should split the check. Some of them said because we're fighting stereotypes, gender equality, and some of them were of the opinion that a lot of women are out there trying to get free meals. They do

try to get free drinks. There are a lot of them trying to get free meals. Some of them said that we don't really want a second date, so we don't want to pay for it. There were some women who said that we want to split it because we feel like there's no expectations there but that was pretty much as far as the sample set that i took in the minority opinion and i do have like a study in the story where it is shown that this is a large survey that for the most part women think

that the guy should pay the check of course the guy should pay the check. Of course the guy should pay the check. All this feminist movement and all this, and you still want dudes to pay the check. You don't want to pay the check? I mean, listen, I don't care to pay the check, but I don't want that to be the expectation. Really? I firmly believe in equality. I have asked women out. I have asked women to buy me a drink just to see if they would. And you know, nine times out of ten, they don't.

You know? And it might be because I'm not hot. But, you know, I'm thinking it's because they just want to buy drinks. You know what I mean? So you can't tell me about equality, equality, equality. But then in this little subsection of our relationship, you don't want equality. You want it to all be on me. There's something wrong with that to me. I agree.

I think you should split it. Unless the guy's like, hey, I would like to take you to this restaurant. It'll be fun. I don't know. If he outwardly sets it up and sets up the place and it's really fancy or something. Alright, but I would still try to split it at all times because I'm going through a thing in my relationship where

now I make more money and it's weird. And it's only weird because of that societal shit of what the man paid for the check all the damn time. Oh, really? You think that's the reason it's weird? I think that's one of the things that contributes to men feeling emasculated if the woman in the relationship makes more. Yeah.

I've only dated women that made more than me, so I don't understand that. That's awesome. I mean, if you don't care, that's wonderful. I don't care. I mean, I still pay. I just don't's wonderful I don't care I mean I still pay I just don't expect I don't like the expectation that I have to pay

that annoys me so I was reading some of the comment section on the story and it was just funny because there was like women who were weighing in and they were citing

the fact that they have to do like facials and manicures and pedicures and a bunch of things to prepare for this that's their choice they got overhead

being a woman is a lot of maintenance if you don't want for them. That's their choice. They got overhead? Being a woman is a lot of maintenance if you don't want to look like a troll, I got to say. They got overhead. That's hilarious. What's your overhead, Mike? I don't know that I have a lot. Magnum condoms. Clothes.

Magnums are 12. Glasses. Or 14 now. I don't have overhead. It don't matter, though. I mean, we choose to do this shit. Like get facials and massages and get our nails done. You understand that you're adopting views here,

which don't come naturally. They come from a kind of progression of modern PC thought. And logically, you're right. If we believe in equality, then it should obliterate everything in its path. But the fact is that, and we talk about this, it comes right. If we believe in equality, then it should obliterate everything in its path. But the fact is that, and we talk about this, it comes back to my son and my daughter. Girls are different than boys.

The dynamic between men and women is different. Men want to pick up the check. They want that role, and women are comfortable in that role for reasons, I said to him the other day day that the difference between the way God made humans and the way liberal people think humans ought to be is what we call PC. That's that's that's. So we cut that off. You're not allowed to talk about that.

So like if if men really are kind of want to be dominant and you can't discuss it. But the fact is that you look at my daughter and you look at my son at four years old and five years old. And you know who's going to be picking up the check and who wants to have the check picked up. It's just different. Listen, I agree. She bats her eyes. She's like all coquettish, you know. I agree.

I believe. I mean, I don't have a problem with the man picking up the check. My problem is the cherry picking of equality. The cherry picking is like, I want equality everywhere else except here. Still spend money on me. What he's saying is that equality is bullshit. It's bullshit. It really is.

But I want equality. I want to split it. He's weaponizing equality and using it right now. You're damn right. You're damn right I am. Don't use it against me, Mike. Because I don't want to hear that shit. And then the next thing you know, you're looking at me when the check comes like, uh, no.

You was just talking all that equality shit. Put some money on this bill. But I know a lot of women, young women, who expect the guy to get her an Uber home, who expect the guy to pay for half or pay for all of the bill. Have we ended? But they don't want us to be a gentleman anymore. But those are not the same women that are like, equality, equality, equality. The ones that I know, my friends, my girlfriends, who I know who are not screaming equality, equality,

are the ones that expect the guy to pay for an Uber ride home. And that's weird to me. Just get your own damn ride home. You can get a home. But don't you think there's probably an element of confusion here? Because there's girls. Talk into the mic. So I was speaking with a bunch of women

and they say there's something called the reach where they pretend to like reach for the check and they assume that the guy... That's what Jewish people do that too, but go ahead. And they assume that the guy... That's where they got the move from. Yeah, exactly.

And then they assume... Hey! Go ahead. And then they assume that the guy will end up picking the check, but that doesn't... They're just noticing that's not happening. And I think that when I was interviewing some of the guys, they were just confused. They're like, well, she reached for it, so I thought she wants to pay it.

And it might be rude if I try to insist on paying the bill. No, it's not rude, and they're full of it. I mean, the fact is, you never go wrong. It's not just male and female. You never go wrong picking up the check. It's always a nice thing to do. It's a courtesy. It's always being a gentleman.

It's always a nice gesture. It's generosity in one way or another. And generosity is not something to be ashamed of. And people are not offended by generosity. A woman, the only time I could see a woman not wanting it, if she feels like, uh-oh, I don't like the vibe of this guy. All I need now is for him to think. Oh, yeah, that's my out. Split the bill.

Yeah, so that I understand. So actually, if I was on a date and a girl, can I say girl? I don't know. You could say girl. You never know. Not that much of a mom. And a cis woman wanted to split the bill. You don't have to say that either.

A human being. A human being wanted to split the bill. I don't have to say that either. A human being. A human being wanted to split the bill. I would say, oh, she doesn't like me. That would be my first thing. But you're really old school. If I picked the restaurant, I would try and pay for the bill. I would pay for the bill. Listen, I've had women offer to pay for the bill.

And what did you say? And I said, absolutely not. And I appreciated the gesture. But do you say and i said absolutely not but i and i and i appreciated the gesture uh but do you think that that is feeding it those man those are like manners those are gentlemen old school manners that that women a lot of women like but do you not think that's feeding into the fact that let's treat the woman like she oh you want to go outside in the world and eat and i'll pay for it you're sad but i mean if you deep, deep. It's supposed to be that the person who asks is the one who pays,

right? That's like the traditional rule. Well, it also does matter. I think she hit on something like especially in this period of my life, if I were to go out with a young girl, I make way more money than she does and I would feel like a total fucking clod letting

her pay. I could not picture you out on a date with a 22-year-old. Oh, I can picture does. And I would feel like a total fucking clod letting her pay the... I cannot picture you out on a date with a 22-year-old. Oh, I can picture it. And not... I can imagine it. Matter of fact, I prefer... But you're not going to be 22.

Let's say she's 32. Even so. Dude, what are you doing? I'd say 42, though. No, no, let's say 32. I couldn't date a 32-year-old? No, you could do whatever you want.

I just can't picture that, like, you connecting with a younger, like, 22-year-old. 32, yeah. I can picture that. You're too smart for that, man. Yeah. She would frustrate you. Or you would love calling her out on her bullshit that you would keep her around. I can't tell which one.

Can I tell you what I find about, because I socialize with a lot of young girls, waitresses. They don't talk this game. You're in the movement. You're talking this stuff. All these girls, they're going out on dates. The guys are buying them drinks. The guys are paying for their dates. But that's fine.

They're just like the girls were in the 70s. I speak to them. I don't let guys pay for me. They have not internalized the movement the way the people speaking think that they have. I'm not internalizing, but I do wonder, like, those little things in a woman's life, like we were saying, like a father's attitude difference between his son having sex and his daughter having sex, that's not the biggest deal in the world, but that's one of the many little things that add up. Or a guy's always holding the door.

And it's nice if you hold the door for me, cool. But also, like, always holding the door. And it's nice if you hold the door for me, cool. But also, I can do it. I'm not angry if you hold the door for me. It's nice. But I don't expect that at all. I expect that I'll do everything for myself. What if a guy sent you a Venmo bill post-date? A what?

Somebody did that? Somebody did that? I've heard of that happening. I didn't say that. So you go on a date. Say the check is $60. So someone sends me a Venmo bill that I owe him $30.

I would respond back, LOL. A girl, she went on a date and she said that he asked her out, he picked the place, so she let him pay, she went home and she looked at her phone and she had a bill for her portion of the meal. I would have paid for the whole thing just to

say, fuck you. That's ridiculous. Okay. It is ridiculous. But to be devil's, it is ridiculous. I'm going to invoice you for this time. Don't get me wrong. But if you're out with a guy, right? You're not sure if this is going anywhere.

He's not sure if this is going anywhere. And he does ask you to cover half. Would you think he's an asshole? No. If he kindly asks, hey, could you get half, would you think he's an asshole? No. If he kindly asks, like, hey, could you get half of this? Sure. Let me tell you something. We're not really.

You would be wrong. If you're looking for shortcuts to determine whether a guy is a good life choice, that is his good. I mean, I wouldn't determine it off of that, though. No, but I'm saying, if you're like, I mean, a short list of ten things to look for, that would be one thing to look for. A guy who asks you to split the bill with him, that is not a good guy for your future. What if he doesn't have a lot of money? If there's mitigating circumstances, maybe.

But in general, he should want to pay the bill. That's what I think. I know you're not allowed to ask this, but my wife's Indian, so I think I can ask you. Are you Persian or something? I was born in Pakistan. Pakistan. Yeah. So do you think the fact that you come from a more traditional culture affects the way,

have you been able to wring that out of your system or is that? It probably in some form affects it. I mean, my family, they would fight bill, like when we were out with family friends. So I was kind of, I think that's what kind of sparked my interest in the story. Cause it was a little, like the concept was a little foreign to me. So I noticed it immediately. Of a man paying.

I mean, of a woman paying. No, of like, if there being confusion around who pays. I thought in my opinion, it was pretty clear. Like the person who asks you out to the day is usually the one who pays. I thought, in my opinion, it was pretty clear. Like the person who asks you out to the date is usually the one who pays. So just the fact that everyone was confused and debating it, I noticed it pretty quickly.

I think so. And as far as the man making more than the woman, again, in general, I think it's very uncomfortable for a man to be making... Less? To feel... Now, in Mike's case, it's different because he's a comedian.

He's got a career where he can get self-esteem from other aspects of what he's doing. But if you're just like a schmo working in an office 9 to 5, and your girl's making twice as much as you... I can see that. That's tough. That's tough. That's tough, I think. Why is it never tough for the woman then

if the guy makes more? But you know what? I got to disagree because when I dated my first wife, she was making way more. She was a television producer and I was just working

at the Museum of Modern Art. And I started dating her. She was making way more than me. And it never bothered me. I still paid when we went out. You know, she would always offer, which is, you know, kind of why I kept the relationship going. Because I'm telling you, if you don't offer, I have a problem with that. We can't go anywhere.

That's real talk. Yeah, it's courtesy. Not the expectation that you're going to take care of me always. Yeah, yeah. I've had women, like, come up to me and ask me to buy them drinks. Really? Yeah, man. I had a girl ask me at a club to me and ask me to buy them drinks. Really? Yeah, man. I had a girl ask me at a club, right?

Asked me to buy her a drink. And then when I said fine, I was feeling especially generous that night. I said fine. And then she ordered a mini bottle of Moet. What? She just went deep in my pocket. That's fucked up. Like a mini Moet.

And I was like, really? Really? I don't even know who you are. And you just went that deep in my pocket? Yeah, that's not cool. That kind of stuff. So she had to bang you. You know what I did?

I took that top and put it right back on that moment and gave it back to the bartender. I said, if she won't pay for it, she can have it. I'm not paying that, dude. I don't mince words, man. I keep it real. Another reason why women might really insist on splitting the bill is that they don't want the guy to think that he expects something because he paid for it. And that happens a lot.

Not all the time, but a lot. Less and less. I just feel, you know, I really am. I guess I'm just an old man. I don't know. But I just feel like a lot of this is just bull. You think I should have bought that drink? Because you did this when I said I'm just an old man. I don't know, but I just feel like a lot of this is just bull. You think I should have bought that drink? Because you did this when I said

I put the top back on. Do you think I should have paid for it? From the restaurant's point of view, they can't serve that again. It's not fair to them. Right, you just ruined a bottle. No, I'm saying that's your, well, it's your problem between, you ordered it. She didn't assume she was going to order that. I didn't order it.

Well, but you told her, okay. Between you guys, it's not the restaurant's problem. Now they got to eat it because you can't assume she was going to order that. I didn't order it. But you told her, okay. Between you guys, it's not the restaurant's problem. Now they got to eat it because you can't get your shit together? She got to pay for that shit. She started this. But let me ask you this question. Do you think, why do you think, like,

first of all, I cry. I'm not saying I don't cry. But like, I've seen a lot of employees get stressed and get in trouble and all sorts of things over the years. Maybe I've seen a guy cry once or twice. But I've seen hundreds of women cry. I cry all the time. Do you think that is inherited? Is that an inherent trait?

Are women born more... We have more hormones. To cry more... Ah! We are physically different. Men are physically stronger than women. Not every man is stronger than every woman, but that's a fact.

You don't mean you have more hormones. You have different hormones. Yes, different hormones, but we have... Who just included it on their special? It was Ari Shaffir was saying, and then I looked it up and I was like, oh shit, he's right.

Women have 40% more hormones in their body than men do. Oh, so more and different. Really? So, okay. That explains a lot. Yeah, it does explain a lot. And if you start following that trail, you're going to come to a lot of conclusions

that you're not going to be happy about. I mean, I'm a woman that's very emotional, but someone like Corinne, she's not. So not all women get moody before their periods and all that stuff. Not all anything is anything, yeah. Can I ask you a question? Because you were saying that the holding of the door and all that can get annoying when you're a woman because you're like, oh, you feel like I can't hold on. Sometimes guys do it weird and it's uncomfortable.

So what is it that you want? Do you want guys to, is there such a thing as treating your woman like a woman anymore? No, I think there's something of being respectful and being a gentleman,

but I've had it where guys, and I've seen my girlfriends, it's happened to my girlfriends, where a guy will run in front of a woman to be like, I'll hold the door for you. I'm like, all right,

you don't need to fucking do that. I got the door. Like, it's weird. Like, they try to, that's, their chivalry is too forced and it's uncomfortable. If someone's like, I'll hold the door for you,

whatever, I'm like, thanks. You remember that cat call? Come on, sit down, Paul. That cat call video. That cat call video. There was so many, did you see that? We had her on the show.

Oh, you did? I think I saw it. Talking to Mike, the girl who was walking down and all the guys were catcalling her and it went viral. It was like three years ago. I remember that. I mean, I was glad other people saw what happened sometimes. But one of the interesting things that I thought about at the time is women just are not,

like from time to time a woman will kind of like catcall, but she's kind of like being silly. I catcall firefighters. Yeah, but she's kind of being silly. I cackle firefighters. But in general, there's just something different. There's an aggressiveness about men that just is different. Well, it's more of a hunt. Yeah, maybe the hunt.

And part of that would be paying. You can see how that, being the guy who's taking care of everything. I'm taking care of everything. But then I don't want to feel like, I want to, I, as a woman,

for me individually, I'd rather take care of myself. Well, that's you. And clearly, women for most of human existence needed men to protect them from the world. And to think that

that never got into our genetics in any way is just wishful thinking. Anyway, this is Paul Mercurio. Do you know Christina? Hi, Paul. Hi, how are you? This is Khadija.

She's a writer for the Wall Street Journal. A lot of big words in that paper. And this is Mike Yard. Yeah, I know Paul. Now, Paul, we haven't seen you around in a while. Yeah, I've been away. I've been to L.A. and traveling. We'll just bring you up to speed here.

We're discussing whether or not in today's day and age, a man should be presumed to pay the check on a date. No. And I had an incident on the subway that I could talk about that relates to this. Please do. And I also had something that just happened an hour ago on stage.

I asked an older woman how old she was and she'd go, oh, you shouldn't ask a woman that. And my answer to that is if you can ask a guy, you can ask a woman.

So I feel like, and I'm not saying you women want that, want this, but in general, you women. No, no, the two of you I meant. You people.

I'm 29, I don't care. If you want equality, which you should have, it should be equality across the board. And you should be treated no differently than men and not make exceptions. So I was on the subway. I get on the subway. It was crowded. I sit down. The woman across from me goes, you're an asshole.

What? On the subway. You're an asshole. She saw your act? Yeah. There you go. What? On the subway. You're an asshole. She saw your act? There you go. There we go. Nice.

I go, what's your problem? Four or five times. I go, what's your problem? She goes, there was a woman standing over there, and you should have given her your seat. Unless she was pregnant. No, hang on. So let me just get this out. So the woman was middle-aged. She didn't seem to want the seat.

I have a personal rule. If you're pregnant, you're in a wheelchair, you're carrying a baby, a lot of bags, you get my chair. If you're my age or below, go fuck yourself. That's my attitude, man or woman, right? So I said, why should I give her my seat? She goes, because you're a man and that's what a man should do. And I said, well, I need a scorecard. She goes, what do you mean?

Because I said, I'm not sure what day I'm supposed to treat you as equal and what day I'm supposed to hold the door and sit down for me. So why don't you tell me what day I'm on I go why don't you give her your seat she goes I know I go why not she goes because I don't want to I said well first of all you're a shitty debater and secondly you're being a hypocrite you you I'm sure she was 25 26 you want you want women to be treated as equal why am I carving out this exception now to give a woman who didn't ask for the seat and is perfectly able to stand? So we got into a big fight and

everybody on the train was entertained because it was like, you're a hypocrite. You're an asshole. You're a hypocrite. You're an asshole. And so I kind of come across that a lot and I really meant that. If you want it this certain way, it's got to be consistent across the board. No, it doesn't. I agree

with you though, Paul. I agree. So you don't believe in this movement towards equality for women. Of course I believe in equality for women. But why do you say that? I don't think equality means that

everybody's the same. Does equality mean that we should be only one football league for men and women? Is that equality? I mean, and women just don't get to play in it? I think that, like I have a daughter. Nobody can accuse me of being a sexist. I want everything that's best for my daughter.

I want her to be able to do any job she wants. I don't want anybody fucking not hiring her or paying less or anything like that because she's a woman. But I want men to treat her like a princess. I do. I do. But don't you think women get spoiled by getting treated like a princess? I think getting treated like a princess is going to spoil me. And you know what? And you know what?

I think she should make breakfast for the kids. It's not the end of the world either. But Mike's right. You're sending her mixed messages. That's the problem. It's just a barrel of mixed messages. You can't say, I want my daughter to be treated equally in everything else except when

she's dealing with a man. He needs to treat her special. And then she's going to develop these expectations of if a guy doesn't hold the door for her, doesn't pay a check, she's going to be like, what the fuck is this? Like that girl on the subway with Paul. I think when there's a basic outline of feminine and masculine roles

that we don't totally abandon and... But why not totally abandon? And reject aggressively, almost spitefully, that actually, it's easier to have relationships, and it's nicer and more pleasant. I think it's easier to have relationships, and it's nicer and more pleasant.

I think it rolls off the tongue more easily. It's more harmonious with the way we feel good. I think it's nice. A man feels good when he takes care of a woman. He buys dinner for a woman. I think the woman likes to be taken care of in a certain way. That doesn't mean he thinks that she's less than he is. It doesn't mean that.

But I think a woman could have a good quality of life being independent. My mother's 89. In the 60s, she was pregnant. She started a small, in a tenement house selling little, like, glassware.

When an Italian mother didn't work, let alone start their own business, okay? And she has got a set of balls on her. She doesn't take

any shit from men. She doesn't want a door held from her. She's still running her business. She likes the way her life is. And I've seen it firsthand. And maybe it's an influence on my opinion.

But she, my father loved her. He didn't have to tell her a bunch of times. Did he hold the door? Yeah, but he didn't have to do those displays of affection for her to know that he loved her. And then my mother loves her life. She loves her business. She can compete with any man. She doesn't like to be told what to do. And she my mother loves her life. She loves her business. She can compete with any man. She doesn't like to be told what to do,

and she doesn't want to be treated any differently. And so I've seen it firsthand that if you want to live that way, you can have a great life. It's not like she's lacking for anything. Also, all those women who live to be like 103, and every time they ask them, what's your secret? And they always say, I'm single. All of them.

So, Paul, have you seen an old lady? Do you give her your secret? And they always say, I'm single. All of them. So, Paul, if you see an old lady, do you give her your seat? Oh, yeah. If it's an old lady. How old? I don't think above 60 is old, but 60 or above.

Old man? If I see an old man, I would. Absolutely. So, I'm going to be 60 soon. You're going to start standing up. No, you're an asshole. I wouldn't be you. Yeah, no one would give you their seat.

But I'm saying, when I'm 60. You don't look 60. When you're 60? When I'm 60. No one will give you their seat. But I'm saying when I'm 60. You don't look 60. When you're 60? When I'm 60, you will not give me the seat, but you would give a woman my age the seat. First of all, you ain't going to be on the subway. Yeah, exactly. I would give an elderly person my seat regardless of man or woman. No, I think it's equal across the board.

I don't mind this world. I don't mind the old school way of doing things. I actually like taking care of my woman that makes me feel good however i don't like doing that if the expectation is that you're getting different treatment than i'm getting right you know what i mean that's the expectation i'll do it because i want to do it but a lot of women expect that and also want you to treat them and everything else on an equal. And that's my issue. I don't mind being that guy. I think I've never seen these problems.

But isn't it enough for the woman? Like, my wife knows I love her. It's out there, bro. How does your wife know that you think your wife knows that you love her? Yeah, look at me. Who wouldn't love me? No, you said your wife knows that you love her. My wife.

What are you saying, Paul? We all know you, Paul. I opened myself up for that. You're not talking'm just saying, Paul. We all know you, Paul. I opened myself up for that. You're not talking to strangers here, Paul. Serve that one. First of all, if your wife loves you, she doesn't really know you, which is totally possible. My wife is very, and she's low maintenance in terms of neediness.

She keeps showing me how much you love me, buy me. Never been like that. We've been together for a long time. She knows I love her. Do I hold the door for her a lot? No. I will occasionally. I don't.

I don't hold the chair for her. I don't do it for my wife either, but I should. I feel like if the woman wants it because she needs reinforcement that you love her through these physical actions. Then they're insecure in that relationship. Then there's something else going on. I don't think it's necessary. Let's try a psychological experiment. I'm totally serious.

All right. For the next two weeks, do all those things. For my wife? Yeah, do all those things. She's going to look at me and go, is something wrong? Are you cheating on me, Paul?

Exactly. I predict you will see a ticking up of your sex life. Well, we don't have sex that often. You do it too. I'm serious. You do it too. Maybe it's because

you don't hold the chair. Dora's just kidding. I'm serious. You do it too. Maybe it's because you don't hold the chair. The door is just getting... No, I'm saying you hold the door for her, take care of her in a certain way. Like really old school. Should I not yell at her? I can still yell at her. Let her speak when she's not spoken to.

Come on, you're Italian. Try not beating her. Give her an allowance. Oh, really? I just got new brass knuckles control yourself for two weeks

that's all I really and I think partly it's my mother it's like I don't I can't do two way situations

you're either pregnant or you're not meaning metaphorically if you want equal treatment you want the glass ceiling shattered

God bless you I do too but then don't start throwing these exception, the rules, the woman calling me an asshole, you got to pay here. I just can't. Isn't it a manners issue to some extent? Yes.

Because, like, I mean, I spoke to an etiquette expert in this story, and she said that the person who asks is the one who pays. And it just happens to be that in most dating situations, the guy is the one that's asking. So when some of these women are like complaining and they're saying that he asked me and then the expectations are not according to what our understanding was. I do think there are expectations solidified in society because whenever I'm with my wife or a woman, the server or bartender will always hand the check to me. And I don't think that person's a bad person for doing that. I think it's just condition in our society for years that a man pays. I don't think, for me, it's not an issue of manners. I don't think it's rude.

I just think, I think, look, if I invite you out, man or woman, I should pay. Generally, I would pay if I were dating you because that's just what I would do. But an expectation that I have to do it, I don't feel is appropriate. Yeah, do it because you want to. It feels better. And it feels better for the other person too. We may have exhausted this topic.

I think you guys are all nuts. Anyway, and actually I think that she and I kind of see the closest eye to eye. I'm surprised though because you're very progressive in a lot of ways, but you have this sort of old school mentality I think this is your inability to

think deeply that you think that what I'm describing is somehow at odds with progressive thought, it's not it's not it's not impossible to imagine a world where women can do whatever they want but still there are male roles and female roles in relationships.

For senior managers in your business, women, you have so many women that you work with and hire. You work with women, you treat them well, you treat them as equal. That's right. So then why- Not equal. Yeah, yeah. I don't pay the reason.

Definitely 60-70. So then why suddenly is that in your brain, in your thought process, is there one little sort of exception carved out for this social etiquette thing? It just is inconsistent with the way you live your life. But if a woman asks the guy on a date, she should pay. I can't believe I agree with Paul. It's really bothering me. I'm really 100% in Paul's corner and that's troubling me.

I'm sorry, you were saying you would go to college. I said that if the girl asks, she should pay, right? Ask me out on a date. Yeah, if a girl asks you out on a date, she should pay. If she picked the place, she... I would still pay. I wouldn't let you. No, I mean, but are you paying because you want to get in her pants?

No. No, I just wouldn't. I would feel weird. You said yourself that you'd pay on dates. So you're contradicting yourself, right? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. No, I said if it were an early on in the day,

if I asked a woman out, I would pay. But otherwise, I wouldn't feel like I had an expectation that I had to pay because I'm a man. So have you ever not paid on a date? Have you ever? Well, I haven't dated in a long time. My wife and I have been together since high school. Let's talk about that miserable thing.

You've only had sex with one woman since high school? I didn't say that. I hope your wife don't listen to this podcast. Do you let her listen to podcasts? Yeah, you really can't start treating her like a princess.

She's going to suspect. When I unchain her from the furnace, she's allowed to eat. You married your childhood sweetheart? Yeah, I was a senior. She was a junior. Would you? Okay, let me find a way to ask this. If your son came to you and wanted to marry his high school sweetheart,

would you say great idea? You're a fucking idiot. Yeah, that's insane to me, dude. Well, his girlfriend's pretty hot, so I'd say yeah. I'd say not early. I mean, we didn't get married. I mean, it wasn't like we, so I'd say yeah. I'd say not early. I mean, we didn't get married. I mean, it wasn't like we got married at 19 or something. First of all, at your age, every high school girl looks hot, all right?

T is big. But anyway, go ahead. Oh, man, those short, short jeans. Oh, no, no. Oh, he has pictures of her. Show me pictures. Now who's the creep? Are you really saying we're talking about your son's girlfriend?

Let's move on, Paul. I will say that is the kind of porn I watch, but whatever. That's the kind of porn you watch? Yeah, the dad fucking his son's girlfriend. That's so hot, Paul. I will say that is the kind of porn I watch, but whatever. That's the kind of porn you watch? Yeah, the dad fucking the son's girlfriend. That's so hot. That's really the kind of porn? Yeah. They pop up sometimes.

Sometimes they pop up and I can't bring myself to watch it. It's just so wrong. It's so fun. If a woman is a businesswoman, shows up in a business suit and looks business versus a woman that, I don't know, might be a salesperson at Hermes or whatever and doesn't look as businessy. Do you think, I don't know, I'm going to be honest, psychologically I might feel like, well, the woman in the business suit should pay more often than that woman because she

can. I don't know if that's... That's just your judgment on how she's dressed, assuming she has a lucrative career. I mean, I don't know. I mean... She could be just coming from an interview who makes dinner at your house

you could just be trying really hard to project a version of herself that she isn't and you want her to pay so you don't even got a job

who makes dinner at your house almost always my wife and by make dinner she's the one that pulls out the file of menus and makes the phone calls

she doesn't fucking cook she makes dinner usually she doesn't cook for you and it bothers you that she doesn't cook no no it doesn't I don't do dishes. And it bothers you that she doesn't cook. No, no, it doesn't. I don't do dishes and I don't even

load the dishwasher. A little bit. No, no. Sometimes in that it's a lot of money to build up and it's not a lot of time. Well, you cook.

You cook? Because I'm too busy and I'm working. What do you think about that? Are you kidding? He works 20 minutes a night telling jokes. You think he has time to cook?

You cook for your man like every night? Yeah, because he microwaves everything. No, not every night. I usually seamless it. But every once in a while, I'll cook. But I also buy the groceries. But do you agree that when a woman cooks, actually, this could go either way.

But as a man, when a woman cooks you breakfast, it awakens something inside you. It's like bonding, right? It hits you in a way. Well, that Bill Burr bit of the sandwich when he was in the garage. Oh, I love that bit. Yeah, and I get that. It's like bonding, right? It hits you in a way. Well, that Bill Burr bit of the sandwich when he was in the garage. Oh, I love that bit. Yeah, and I get that. It's really true. But it also awakens something in a woman if you're in bed and then the guy comes down with like eggs benedict and he's like, here, I'm like, oh my god.

I said it can go either way. But food is one of those things which you can't explain it but it does something. As part of humans, it affects us. Do you do that? And I think when a man opens the door for a woman, I think she feels something.

I think she does. She feels that little tingle. I think she does. She feels, ew, I could have did that myself. Yeah, I'm just, like, annoyed. And when a man doesn't get up for the seat for a woman and doesn't open the door, after a while, he rots inside. Listen, I had a perfectly fine

I had a perfectly fine subway ride. A bitter man like Paul McCurry. I agree with Paul. I agree with Paul. Arguing, getting nasty, arguing with women on the subway. She started it. She did. It sucks that she was young. She wasn't homeless and crazy.

We were going from 42nd Street to 14th Street. The whole ride, it was like, you're a hypocrite. You're an asshole. You're a hypocrite. Oh my God.

If I was there, I would have been like, shut the fuck up. Everybody on the train was like, this is awesome. It was like they were watching a tennis match.

And then the woman who was at the center of it, who was supposed to give the woman a seat to, she goes, you know what? You're both assholes. And she walked out of the car

in the voice of reason. But you know, for your wife, Juanita, do you do these things? Do you cook for her sometimes? Do you serve her breakfast in bed? Not like I should.

Because over time. But part of it is over time, as you're married, those things go away. I think. I was having sex way more often with my wife when we were younger. That's a natural evolution of a relationship. You're not on your toes anymore. See, that's a problem. But you've got to remind yourself

to do those things every once in a while because then it reignites the spark. I can't load a dishwasher. Why not? Yes, you can. It's easy, man.

I don't want to. It's too tedious. That's what it is. Don't say you can't. That's true. You probably shoot yourself in the face if you can't load a dishwasher.

Yeah, that's not good. Do you think women seem to have a lot of problems? You should be out in the world if you can't. Do you think women have more patience for that sort of thing? No.

Careful. No, I... Yeah, I don't know how to answer that. It's like a set-up question. Just say what's on your mind, Paul. I think their brain is better suited for that. Oh, shit! Did you really say that?

That was like the worst place you could have went. If you tried to clean it up. In the words of the lady, you could have went. If you tried to clean it up. In the words of the lady, you're a fucking hypocrite. No, my deal is she doesn't work full time anymore. She works with me. But I'm the one that's working and bringing home money. This is going to sound like a 1950s guy.

So she's home. So those things should be on her plate. And this other stuff is on my plate. If I were home and were working i should do the dishes do the laundry make sure my kids lunch is made and all of us she does the laundry i don't do laundry i don't know i don't know what the truth is i really don't know and unfortunately in today's age you're not even allowed to say everyone thinks something different and everyone's yelling at each other when i when i see my wife take care of our baby and i see the patience that she has. It's beautiful.

To do it over. I say to myself, I think there's something female in that patience because I'm a very, very loving father. It's maternal patience. Yeah, and I don't have that patience. But that patience can then express itself in taking care of other things. And it could even be, because I'm with Paul, having to sit there and do this, I fucking go out of my mind. But there's a lot of guys who are really patient and a lot of women who are extremely impatient.

Very true. Me and my girlfriend, I never cook. She won't allow me to. She has to cook and she works all day and she'll come home and cook. Even I've been home all day. Are you a good cook? Really? Or do you suck at it? I can follow a recipe. I get what you home and cook. Even I've been home all day. Are you a good cook? Or do you suck at it?

Well, I mean, I can follow a recipe. All right. So, yeah, that's why I get why she wants to cook. I want to make an important point. This is a point which gets lost in a lot of conversations. Everything exists on a curve. Yeah, definitely. So, yes, there are going to be guys who are very, you're going to have all that.

If I say that men are stronger than women, yes, of course. Physically, yes. But there are some women who are stronger than some men. That's not – Like Ronda Rousey could beat the shit out of you. That doesn't upend the basic truth in the aggregate. And we're talking about aggregates here. And it seems to me that women really have a certain patience about this stuff

that most men can't seem to muster. My mother-in-law, she cannot stop cleaning the house, which goes to our house. I can't either. I clean my house all the time. I mean, like scrubbing. It's a mental disorder. She's avoiding you.

She's avoiding her problems. She might be avoiding her problems. She's awkward around you. Is there a grandfather out there, a father-in-law who would come over and do that? No. It's a rare thing. So why is that? I love cleaning, though.

I love it. I fucking love it. Is it just your nature? Is it therapeutic? It's in your genes, man. I wouldn't say that. Your brain is perfect for that. Are you open to the idea that in some way that could somehow be a higher frequency because of the fact that you're female?

Is there any chance that that's true? For me specifically, no. I think it has to do with me being a little kid and having a bipolar mother and I would clean and that would make her happy. And so I was like, if I clean, mom won't cry. So that's different. But I do love cleaning. Let the expert talk. Yes.

Oh, I'm not an expert. I'll turn the question. Do you think those roles will change going forward? No. Because you don't? I don't. But I mean, they're already changing to some extent. Like more women have applied to college. I think it's a function of economics.

I'm not that old. When I went to law school, half the girls were, half the students were women. Nevertheless, when we would date, they would still fall into very traditional female roles. They would.

They would cook breakfast or whatever. I don't think it's going to change. I think that a lot of times when it does change is because people feel they're embarrassed to do it. But it actually comes, certain things come.

Well, listen, forget about, I don't want to say cleaning comes naturally to a woman. I don't know that. But definitely picking up the check, opening the door, being chivalrous, that does come naturally to a man. It feels good to do that. But it feels good for me to hold the door for a guy. I get a satisfaction out of that. I do. I don't know that it comes naturally. I think all of this is just conditioning.

It's what you've been taught, right? Yep. So once you stop teaching kids these differences, then I believe that things will change. I think it's possible that it will change. Have children. I do. Have one boy.

Have one girl. I do. And you don't see any difference between them? Well, definitely, because we taught them what we were taught. We didn't teach my kids that. No, I mean, I'm talking about me and my kid's mother. We taught them what we were taught, so definitely there's a difference.

What color is your daughter's bedroom? I thought it was going to say skin. Pink. What color is your son's bedroom? It's green, I think. Who picked those colors? They picked them them They did? Absolutely Your four year old daughter

Picked the pink? Yeah yeah she loves pink She just painted it pink? She painted whatever color She wanted She picked it though? I'm saying I think Parents make decisions

On behalf of their kids Because they have to Because the kid's young Pink is an interesting thing I'm not going to say That pink What if your son was like Dad I want a pink room

I don't know that pink Is intrinsically That's more prevalent because of transgender issues in all seriousness. Yeah. You get these four-year-old boys and they don't want to play with trucks and have a blue room. And that's what some people have to struggle with now, right? Like, do you let that kid or do you try to condition him to be a boy? No, you have to let them be who they are. I would let...

I think that they see pink... I'm not going to say though it's possible. That's like a silly example but it is an example. I don't think that the color pink is actually programmed in us as a feminine thing.

So I think that she does, she sees feminine things being pink and then she wants her room pink because she wants to be feminine and that we didn't teach her. Right. She's all... That might be a natural inclination

for us. My daughter is, I have the best daughter ever. Mila, somebody listen to this. She is the best because she is so generous to her brother. She sits through

superhero movies and stories every day because my son likes them. Aw, that's sweet. And every day, yet she still doesn't like them.

She doesn't? How do you know that? She says... She's a real boring dad. Because she will never ask to see a superhero movie. She is clear that she's sitting through it patiently. I mean, not that she hates it. She might like

Wonder Woman. But my son actually will like the Barbie cartoons. He will. Does that trouble you? No, it doesn't trouble me. But they're pretty funny. Yeah, he likes it. So what I'm saying is that you would think that

if it was just the way I was teaching them at some point she would like the superhero movies she doesn't like them and he does not like like the really

girly princess stuff and you can't get him to like it yeah and as a parent I want him to like it there's different lessons that you're teaching them

that makes your daughter able to be that patient with the it's a you know that's from different lessons I really're teaching them that makes your daughter able to be that patient. I really think I treat them the same. I hug them and kiss them the same way. They sleep with me in bed the same way. I agree with you. I don't ever tell them what toys to play with.

I really think I treat them the same way. I really do. Now, maybe I can't see it, but that's the way I try to. Well, I know we didn't raise them the same way. I know some dads are like, they shake their son's hands, but I kiss my son on the lips. Good. I treat them exactly the same way, but they're so different. They're so clearly programmed differently.

No, I was just saying, I think, I mean, Mike's saying they were conditioned. Like my wife, there are certain things that my son goes to my wife for. Love. Love. Understanding. A hug. Eye contact. Human. I beat myself.

Human interaction. Not feeling shitty about oneself. Someone with a soul. Are you a good dad, Paul? Come on, be honest. Am I a good dad? I'm a really good dad. I worry about my son constantly. I tell him I love him every day because my parents never said

that to me, although I know they did. I hug him and kiss him wherever we are. Then why do you yell at him in the Little League? No, I don't yell at him. Because he sucks at baseball. No, I just get – I'm teaching him. That's not what the coach – that's not what the coach – No, no, that's what I – you're teaching the kid a lesson.

This is – okay? When I'm spending extra money on lessons with a private baseball coach and you don't focus and do what I asked you to do, if I let that go, you're going to fucking do that when you're 30 at a job where you go,

I don't really have to focus, whatever. Well, your boss just said, I swear to God that's why I do it. I swear to God. Now, my son, you know,

knows that I'll do anything for him and he goes to my wife and my wife is extremely maternal. Like, if son knows that I'll do anything for him, and he goes to my wife, and my wife is extremely maternal. If something's bothering him, he's more apt to tell her first, then I'll talk to him. She goes and buys sneakers with him. He'll go right to her,

I've grown out of my gym shorts. That's their thing, and then I have things with my son that I do. And it works really well. And one of them is yelling at him. Well, you know what? I had a similar relationship with my parents.

He's going to fucking remember. I swear to God. You have to. Do you hit him? You ever hit him? No. Be honest. No, no, no.

Never. I never hit him. I got hit. I get it. My brother used to hit me with a shoe. You never hit him? No, I never hit him. I don't believe it. I tripped him. I got hit. I got hit. My mother used to hit me with a shoe. You never hit him? No, I never hit him. I don't believe it.

I tripped him a couple of times. He went down the stairs. Before we go, we'll wrap it up. Khadijah. My parents hit me. I think the Wall Street Journal is the greatest newspaper in the country and has been for a long time now. Thank you. It is the best edited.

It's the most objective. It is the clearest difference between the opinion section and the news section. Whereas in the Times, you really know where the reporter is coming from. You don't need to... But in the Wall Street Journal, you read their news reports and you realize, I don't know, is this guy pro-Trump? I can't really tell.

So I think it's great, the Wall Street Journal. What else are you writing about? What's coming up in the Wall Street Journal that you're going to write about? Well, I don't think it's very interesting for the purposes of this show because I'm mostly a corporate reporter. I write about companies. Like Uber? Uber has a whole sexism issue.

I know, but I actually don't write about Uber. I cover Target. I cover the retail industry. Retail's finished, right? Retail's done. Well, that's the narrative that brick and mortar is shifting to e-commerce. I can't remember the last time I bought something in a store. You don't believe it? I only

buy shit in stores. I don't buy anything online. Why? I like going to the store. You can get this Amazon Prime. I like getting up and going to the store yeah I don't see anything

wrong with that I refuse I won't let my wife buy anything in the store really just you won't let her no because it's

first of all come on what did we just talk about for the past hour if I catch you in a store good one good one

first of all she has Amazon you guys first of all my wife has Amazon OneClick. I don't even see the money in the house. I have no idea how much money I make. I don't know what she spends.

I don't look at the credit card bills. My wife has it great. She just sits there, OneClick, OneClick, OneClick, OneClick. So part of me says, go to the store. But the truth is that it's so much easier to buy online just for returning it. I don't like it. They come and pick it up. It's like, why would you

want to go to a store? It's out of stock. How many times do you call them? Do you have this in stock? Yes, we do. But I agree with Mike. There are some things you've got to try on. There are some things you've got to try on. Like what? Like clothes. You can't do shoes online. What about Z things you've got to try on. Like what? Yeah, like clothes. You can't do shoes online.

What about Zappos? The entire business is running on shoes. You know about Zappos? They'll return it, no question asked, for a year. Right? They'll take it back. Zappos will take it back for a year. They made it so easy to return it. So the pain points are just not there anymore.

But listen, without having to make the argument that no one will ever walk into a store, certainly times are different now. They're not going to be able, unless they're going to- Just Amazon Prime where they will literally, my wife's like, what do you want to eat? I don't know, let's have some steak. But we didn't have any steak. And all of a sudden the bell rings. It's a drone.

And an hour and a half later, there was all the fresh food to cook a steak from Amazon Prime. They are now getting into that business. It's fucking insane. If you want something within an hour, they have it delivered to your door like fresh direct. That doesn't feel right. I don't want to be spoiled like that, even though I would love it. It takes a long for a comedian to get a

burger at the comedian table. I agree with Noam. I think it's better for commerce because I'm more apt to just, oh, I'm on Amazon. I don't really,

I kind of need to click, click as opposed to I'm going to get up, go to the store, look, whatever. I think people are more apt.

Here's my question. Do you have to leave? No, no, no. I was just looking if there was somebody behind me. But this is my

question about the retail thing. It's not just enough that retail is going out. Is that going to bring real estate values down eventually? I don't know. about the retail thing. It's not just enough that retail is going out. Is that going to bring real estate values down eventually?

I don't know. Do people predict that? I would think so. Because when you can't get rent, what are you going to do? I mean, how many restaurants can you have? I have heard from companies

that they're doing like short-term leases, like pop-up stores, and it's much easier to rent out something for three months and then pick up and do another location

somewhere else when it's a good time of year. So I would assume it's easier. But a lot of the malls are transforming into like movie theaters and like more experience. So many abandoned malls. Like, listen, real estate is in the end the value. There's two kinds of values, I guess, is what you pay for your home.

And then there's property that has an income. And the value of a building in Manhattan is based on what it can for your home. And then there's property that has an income. And the value of a building in Manhattan is based on what it can get in rent. And what it can get in rent is a hell of a lot less when there is no more retail and you're a landlord competing for a tenant. But Amazon just bought Whole Foods. Amazon just bought Whole Foods.

So what, are they going to shut down the stores and ship all the Whole Foods inventory? To your door. Directly to your house? I don't know what they're planning to do with it, but I think they're interested in the food business, too. I think they bought Whole Foods because of the grocery. Jeff Bezos is amazing. The government's going to shut him down, I know.

Mark my words, the next Democratic administration, they're going to come after Jeff Bezos. That's the way they are. I mean, they're good on some things, but on stuff like that. So, Paul, I did Nick DiPaolo's radio show the other day. And all I want to tell you is this. People were calling up that radio show asking me questions about the great Paul Mercurio event. Oh, with what's his name? With Dan Aderman.

Yeah, yeah. What's his name? I was a little nervous coming in today. Yeah, no, I'm not talking about it. I wasn't. I told Stephen I'm not talking about it. I heard you would not talk about it. You could talk about it, but I'm going to be serious. I didn't see that I wasn't allowed to talk about it.

Huh? But I didn't see anywhere that you wrote that we're not allowed to talk about it. You can talk about it. I'm going to go ahead. I'm going to have something to eat. No, no, you're going to sit here and take it. Come on, Paul. Hey, we both are fighters. Paul, come on, Paul. I got two words for you. Paul. Now listen to it. I'm going to go ahead and have something to eat. No, no, you're sitting here and take it. Come on, Paul. Hey, we both are fighters.

Paul, come on, Paul. I got two words for you. Paul. Now listen to me. I got three words for you. I got three words for you. Opie and Anthony, I've been through this in spades

with another big event that was much bigger than this. I'm not doing it again. No offense. You just dissed your event. All of it does exist. I advise you guys to, we're available on podcast too.

Go back and find the Paul Mercurio episode where Paul has a huge fight with Dan Aderman, storms off the show. I stand by everything I said and if it happened today, I'd do it exactly the same. We want to know what you said. I thought you were right. I stood by everything you said too. I listened and I was like, yeah, goddamn right, Paul.

I'm going to let Khadija go because she probably has a deadline. You're on deadline? I'm not on deadline right now, but I do have two or three stories I've been working on. She's got to do it. You were fantastic. Thank you so much for having me. Anytime you have a good news story in the Wall Street Journal, just tell Steven and we'd love you to come on and talk about it. That story was an A-head and I'm not sure if you're familiar with the paper, but it runs under the flap on the front page. And every day we publish a funny feature on the front page called an A-head. No, I only see it online now.

Okay, so every day one reporter at the journal will be writing a quirky or funny feature. Because I saw your story. I was the one who sent it to him to ask you to come on the show. Yeah, I've written some other ones too, but I'll send you along if I write anything else. Yeah, please do. Please do.

You're terrific. Thank you so much. Thank you. Nice to meet you. Nice meeting all of you. And if you want to come to the You're terrific. Thank you so much. Thank you. Nice to meet you. Nice meeting all of you. Nice meeting you. And if you want to come to the Comedy Cellar, just let us know.

Thank you. Anything else from you? Just check out my podcast, man. Yard Talk Podcast. I'm on iTunes. What's it called? Yard what? Yard Talk.

Yard Talk. Y-A-R-D-T-A-L-K. Guys, we fucked. Guys, we fucked. I got a book coming out October 24th called Fucked. I love Talk. Y-A-R-D-T-A-L-K. Guys, we fucked. I got a book coming out October 24th called Fucked. I love that book. By the way, do you know Paul McCartney? Well, he had Paul McCartney on his podcast. What?

Did you really? That is so fucking cool. How did you sweat that? No, not that Paul McCartney. Oh. No, yes, yes, yes. I was like, oh, fuck you. Yeah, yeah.

Be Paul McCartney. Damn. Do you know him? How did you get that? fuck you. Yeah, yeah. He's pretty awesome. Damn. Do you know him? How did you get that? We met. We started talking. It's kind of a long story. But this is what bugs me about it.

You didn't come to me. I could have given you the greatest questions for this guy. No, I would have. Literally, this happened. I met him at like 4 o'clock, and he said, if we're going to do it, when I call you, we have to do it because I'm on tour, and I have little windows. So he calls me at 5.30 on my way from the Colbert Report walking down 11th Avenue and says, I'm ready now.

I had to call my producers in L.A., get a recording line, run into the Daily Show, close the phone booth door, pray to God that they weren't going to page me to fucking do the studio thing and then do it. This is believable. First of all, that you have producers in LA for your podcast is not believable. That you found a phone booth in 2017. No, no, no. We have a private phone booth in

the Daily Show offices. Offices have those. You wouldn't pay for that. You're too cheap. But some people would do that. Because I spent all my money taking out your wife. Ah, okay, okay, okay. You wouldn't pay for that. You're too cheap. But some people would do that. Well, it's because I spent all my money taking out your wife. Oh, shit. Somebody had to pay for her. Yeah, she's like, no one will pay for me.

And by the way, the only thing I'll say about Dan is he still hasn't apologized. Dan's not going to apologize. Well, he should. Well, he should. You're right. And actually, Dan and I had a big fight about it. But the truth is it was awesome radio

so like anytime you want to come up and fight with Dan it's fantastic where is Dan? can I just say one other thing because this ties into

something I thought if you don't mind going back to the gender thing I've been trying to get my wife to be more at times aggressive with people

and stand her ground especially in consumer situations. She gets pushed around a lot. It's mainly because she's a very sweet person. Maybe because she's a woman. Do you think women or men are more apt to kind of

hold people's feet to the fire than women? Nah, I hold people's feet to the fire maybe a little too much. Yeah, I don't think so. My wife is the overly aggressive one. My wife is. And I am literally...

Some women, if they walk into a retail store, they will get the return. So you think it's not a gender thing? Nah. Nah, because I know too many women that are almost opposite of that. Like, just like, you will give me my money back, sir. I will have to tell my girlfriend to calm down. Yeah, yeah.

So many times I thought, they're not going to let us on this plane. My boyfriend's always like, you're going to get me punched in the face. They're not going to let us on display. My boyfriend's always like, you're going to get me punched in the face. They're not going to let us on display. Your wife told me about the time when she stabbed the tires at the mall because the dude took the parking spot from her. Dude, really? What? I didn't say which mall. I didn't say which mall. Do you know what's meant to dance?

I kind of like that. I didn't say which mall. Yes, my wife let the air out of somebody's tires. Let the air out. I was impressed. I respect that. I didn't expect that from her. I wish wife let the air out of somebody's tires. Let the air out. I was impressed. I respect that. I didn't expect that from her. I wish my wife had one-tenth of that.

Tell the story. I don't remember the story. He cut her off in a parking spot. And she's like, really? You're going to cut? I think she might have been pregnant. You're really going to do that? And he's like, fuck you, I'm leaving.

And she just waited. And she let the air out of his tires. I feel sad about that. Out of all his tires. But what is she doing with a knife? I love her. You don't need a knife to let the air out of somebody's tires I feel sad about that. Out of all his tires. But what is she doing with a knife that narrow? You don't need a knife to let the air out of somebody's tires. I don't think she gave him flat tires. She just went psst, psst, psst, psst, you know, on the valve.

That's awesome. Or maybe she did stab the tires. She said she cut those tires. But my wife gets mad. Yeah. I was impressed. I'm not going to lie. That's pretty badass.

You find that impressive, but it's not a good thing. When my wife gets mad, she cannot control herself. It's crazy. I get like that. My son's mother was like that. It's so cute that you think you get like that. Well, I mean, rarely, but I have gotten scary. I get like that.

My wife is more just cool. But yeah, it's been a big thing. I try to get her to like, you've got to. I said, look, if I die tomorrow, you gotta fucking stand up for yourself. You wanna make sure she gets returns? She's gonna say, you know what, Paul? I want a divorce. Yeah, and then you're gonna really regret

encouraging her to stand up for herself. That's gonna be the first fucking thing that she's gonna say is to stand up for herself. Well, never mind, I don't really mean it. You want me to be more assertive for yourself. Well, never mind. I really mean it. A teacher has become the master. A student has become the master. I didn't mean it like that. You want me to be more assertive? Guess what? I'm out.

I married my childhood sweetheart. I see the end of the tunnel, Paul. I really just want to go bang somebody before I die. A real man. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, can I plug my podcast? Yes, please. It's called The Paul Mercurio Show on iTunes. Right now I have Ernie Johnson, the host of TNT, NBA on TNT,

with Charles Barkley and Kenny the Jet Smith and Shaq. And Don Scardino, a really cool director. But Bryan Cranston's on there and McCartney and John Apatow. Don't you just name drop a little bit more? Well, I'm trying to get people to go listen to it. That's awesome. Now I want to. So it's free.

It's on iTunes. I just had the editor-in-chief of Fish and Grits magazine on my podcast. Damn. We had Judd Apatow yesterday. I have him on my podcast. Fish and Grits is a little bigger.

Fish and Grits. I got to go. I'm playing a gig tonight. I got to go. Good night, everybody.