The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Moe Amer & Elon Altman

Episode Date: October 6, 2016

Moe Amer & Elon Altman

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're here at the newly reconstituted table in the back of The Comedy Cellar. We're here, of course, with Dan Nannerman, and I just realized I've been doing this wrong, and Ms. Kristen Gonzalez. She got married like a year ago and we've been calling her by her name. That's okay. All my stuff is still Montella. No, I think Kristen Gonzalez

is actually good for your career in this day and age. Okay. Anything browner, I think actually, like my kids, you know, the browning of the Dwarvens. What's up, Dan? Well, apparently I missed something big on Saturday night here at the Comedy Cellar because I was not here.

But apparently, I learned from Instagram and the social media that there was on stage here at the Comedy Cellar on Saturday night, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, John Mayer, and Aziz Ansari all on stage at the same time on Saturday night. Is that right? That's right. But you know what? I didn't even fucking know about it. Nobody told me. Actually, where's Liz? Can somebody find Liz?

Because I'm actually angry about this, and I'm happy somebody reminded me. I woke up the next morning, and I was humiliated because friends of mine were like, oh, I heard about the night. I'm like, what are you talking about? Nobody even took the time to text me to let me know that a night of historic proportions with the biggest stars in the world, John Mayer playing the guitar with Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Aziz Ansari, and there was some other famous musician, too. I never even got the name. Well, nobody at that level, I don't think.

Somebody that might be famous if you're into, you know. This is how disregarded I have become. Well, you wanted to be hands-off. No, I don't want to be hands-off. Well, I think, Noam, if I had to proffer an explanation. You know sometimes somebody's having a heart attack in the middle of the street and nobody calls the EMS because they figure somebody else already called them? Voila, the answer to your question.

Hold on, Rose. What's that? She's coming. Everybody probably thought somebody else had texted you, therefore no need to text you. No, but there are like three people who should text him. Well, I would have to say I don't think anybody thought anybody had texted me. Well, if I were here, I would never think to text you because I figured

you must know you know so but I'm not of course management and it's not my job to send you a text but that's what I would have thought

I would have thought well he certainly has to know what's going on here it's his club so there's no need for it I went home early that night

of course and turns out we had this amazing night with Mayor and all the rest of them I don't know what were they doing on stage were they doing on stage?

Were they just talking? Was it like a round? Well, maybe Liz can enlighten us. Yeah, Liz will have to tell us. I mean, I think they were doing karaoke. Seriously? Yeah, that's what I heard. And there's a little clip I saw of a video where John Mayer was playing

Wanted Dead or Alive, the Bon Jovi song. Isn't it all videotaped, actually? I'm very bittersweet about running the comedy show these days. I'm ready to sell the whole place. All right, well, we'll get to that. Sit down, Liz. Noam has a question for you. No, because I forgot all about it.

He asked me about this thing with John Mayer and everybody coming down on Saturday night. And I was like, oh, that's right. I don't know anything about it because nobody even fucking bothered to tell me or text me. Esty told me that she texts you that everyone was here. No, no. But she certainly didn't do that.

Oh. I left here at quarter to nine. Yes. Saturday night, busy night. Uh-huh. Quarter to ten, I'm sorry. Uh-huh. At 1027, she texted me, I just heard from John Mayer he's coming down tonight.

Now, he comes down quite often, right? But I couldn't answer because I was driving. You didn't have your automatic reply on? Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. But I didn't answer. So I might have forgotten to put it on. So then I go home, go to sleep, wake up the next morning, I found out about this.

I'm like, Esty, why didn't you tell me about it? She goes, well, I texted you. I figured you were sleeping. I'm like, why would you figure I was sleeping? She goes, well, I texted you. You didn't answer. I'm like, you texted me while I was sleeping? She goes, well, I texted you. You didn't answer. I'm like, you texted me while I was obviously still in the car.

You texted me in less time than I could have gotten home. But people text me at all hours of the night for nothing. For nothing. Well, it sounds to me like your beef is with Esty, not Liz. Liz, too. Because Liz thought that Esty... Esty told me that she texts you. So I was under the understanding that you knew the situation. Has text become the past tense for text?

Yes. Okay. Texted? I think it's texted. I thought it was just text. No, I have a question for you. Now, how much in terms of publicity, how much do you think this is good for the seller

and how much would you be willing to pay for it to happen if it wouldn't have happened otherwise? That's a good question. But let me, what happened? Can you finish yelling at Liz? So tell us, can you explain what happened? So, um, Chappelle was here with Mayor,

John Mayer, John Mayer's brother, Aziz, Carl. Aziz was here with Padma Lakshmi of Top Chef fame. That's very good, Liz. They were all hanging out up here at a table, and for the 12.15 show, they decided that they wanted to, Chappelle decided he wanted to go on. So the show opened with, Will was hosting,

Jessica Kirsten did about 10 minutes, Michelle Wolfe did about 10 minutes. While Chappelle was waiting for, to go on, Chris Rock showed up. Coincidentally? No. He came to see Dave.

Okay. Dave texted him he was there? Yes. They do tend to cluster. Go ahead. We get celebrities usually in clusters or not at all, let's say. Yes, I guess so.

So Chappelle went on stage, did about 10 minutes, brought Chris on. Chris brought Aziz on. The three of them were on stage. Then John went on stage with Corey Henry, who was here as well, who was also at the Roots Picnic, piano player. Our Corey? Our Corey. My Corey?

Yes. With John Mayer? Is he working with John now? No, he was here. A piano player. Our Corey? Our Corey. My Corey? Yes. With John Mayer? Yeah. Is he working with John now? No, he was here. They were upstairs and Corey saw John and said, oh my God, John, I love you. You're amazing. You're such an inspiration.

I said, John, Corey is really an amazing musician. You think I might want to hear about this? One of my musicians? I totally didn't even, this is my fault. I didn't think about that. And so Corey was on the piano, and everyone wanted John to get a guitar, get a guitar. He went to get his guitar from his car, but his driver already took it back to the hotel.

So Colin Smith was here and offered his guitar, got his guitar, plugged it in, and it became a bit of a single. So Colin was interacting with Mayer, too? No, Colin just got his guitar. And then Mayer played Wanted Dead or Alive? He played... It was a whole evening of sing-along, yeah. It started with Jay-Z.

It started with some... Jay-Z was here? No, no. It started with Jay-Z's songs and moved into Dead or Alive, and there was a bit of everything. What were Aziz doing during this time when they were playing? There was some time that Aziz was

just standing on stage. He was also singing along. It was the whole audience was singing. Is Aziz friends with Chappelle and Chris Rock? I mean, they all seem very friendly. You know, it's like you get to a certain level of fame and all of a sudden it's like you're just friends. You're almost there in Adderman. No, I'm not almost there,

but that always intrigued me somewhat, that you just, after a certain level you get the keys to the executive lounge and you're all friends. We've seen that.

We've seen people who didn't even like each other when they both became friends all of a sudden they became pals. When they both became famous. Famous. When they became famous, yeah.

Yeah. I think that nobody understands, you have to be one to understand, yeah. Yeah. I think that nobody understands. You have to be one to understand it, you know? Well, also, I think that they're all in a good mood. Everyone was in a good mood. Whatever beef you had with somebody, you're like, all right. Now I'm making millions.

I'm okay. Who cares? I don't give a shit. You know, and we can all be famous together, and it'll be fun. But as much as famous people, I think, don't like to be, might move away from their non-famous friends, I think the non-famous friends move away from the famous people, too. It's awkward when somebody becomes really famous.

It just changes everything. It's just like, like I said, it's like a black hole. It shifts time and space. Well, yeah, I've never had that happen because I tend to pick my friends. People, I gravitate toward people. And you're not famous. I gravitate toward people. No, I'm saying nobody I'm friends with has become famous.

Because the people that I tend to gravitate toward are... Are the schlubs. No, they don't have what it takes to become famous. Oh. Wow. I hope they don't have what it takes to listen to this radio show. Really? Did you just say that about your friends?

Excuse me, would you let me finish? Go ahead. I'm not talking about talent. I'm talking about the drive and the single-mindedness and the mass appeal that it so often takes to become famous. I tend to gravitate more toward people who are a little off the beaten path. For example, like, let me think of an example.

Like a Dove? Like Dove Davidoff. Dove Davidoff is not, he may well become famous, but he's not fun for the whole family, and he's not broad-based in his appeal. As I see it. And he's now no longer your friend.

I'm just letting Dan go. What about Kevin Brennan? Where's Kevin Brennan going? Can I get a frangelical, please? Well, Kevin Brennan, we're not close. But can I get back to that question I posed to you? Would you pay for that to happen? Would you pay for that to happen? If so, how much? The age-old prostitute question.

You're lucky that it happens for free. I don't think you can orchestrate something like that. I'm saying it's just a theoretical question. How much does he think it's worth in terms of publicity for the club and in terms of his own pride? Well, we didn't really publicize it. Presuming that we were to really go gangbusters with social media, then it wouldn't be worth anything.

Padma posted it while she was in the room. She put it on Instagram. But a lot of people tweet. The people that were here in the audience must have tweeted and told their friends. It didn't get a big thing. It didn't get a huge traction. We definitely got a bump on social media,

but I don't think there was huge, huge traction. There's too much going on that weekend. It certainly makes up for some of the Yelp reviews that I read, the unfavorable's too much going on that weekend. Well, it certainly makes up for, you know, some of the Yelp reviews that I read, the unfavorable Yelp reviews that I have read. Well, there's some favorable ones there, too, Natham. Well, there's certainly more favorable. Are you answering the Yelp reviews like you're supposed to?

Yes, yes, I am. I think we need to do a master Yelp review answer to tell people, listen, the negative reviews are just a bunch of drunk people who couldn't get in. Please disregard them. Yeah, there's a disclaimer. Well, I assume they are disregarding them because we're full every night.

But there are some bad reviews. Most of them are good, of course. I think it's worth $10,000. I had that in my head for some odd reason. It's weird because it's not actually worth anything. I don't think a business is going to be different tomorrow than it was yesterday. Well, it keeps things going. It keeps the wave going

because, you know, there's a reason that we're sold out every night, you know, with multiple shows. These things are hard to put a price on. It's similar to the issue I have with light bulbs. Like, you know, if you have one light bulb out in a restaurant,

it cannot possibly affect business. It's one light bulb. If you've never had more transition. Well, if you have one light bulb out in a restaurant, it cannot possibly affect business. It's one light bulb. If you've never had more than one light, so how much has it cost you to, I mean, how bad is it to have the light bulb out? I don't know. But at some point, if you have enough light bulbs out, the place, it does begin to affect.

It looks bad, you know? So any one of these things is not worth anything. It's the opposite. But over time, if we had no one of these things is not worth anything it's the opposite but over time if we had no more of these things yes we they would we would see a fall off in business they do kind of keep us going in in a way but not any individual one so i don't know how to put a price on i think part of the whole appeal is that this stuff happens organically and that you don't do it and you don't market it and you don't set it up. And that's what keeps people coming, that they never know what they're going to see. You know, there are probably some people in that audience really wouldn't pay to see these

people sing karaoke. They might pay to see Chappelle do a stand up. But there was comedy, you know, there was bits interspersed and they finished with the song. I'm sure it wasn't real karaoke. We don't have the words. No, but I'm just saying like. It was a sing-along. Absolutely. If people knew that those four were going to be on stage,

people would want to come. People just love to see famous people. It was really entertaining. It was a great time. It was a great time for the 90 minutes. Maybe that's why nobody thought to tell me. They were just having such a good time. We were really having a good time.

I just feel like a lot of that good time is because it happened the way it happened. Yes. I love all those people, but if I saw a bill that said they were going to be singing, I don't think I would buy a ticket to that. You guys want to talk about the event, and I want to talk about me. Sorry. Sorry, Norm. Can we bring over Mo?

I was humiliated. Yeah, can we bring over Mo Amare? We have with us Mo Amir. Who opens for Dave Chappelle. Oh, he does? Yes, yes, he does. Do we want to let Liz, do you want to stay? Oh, wow, Dan.

There's like no rules. I never heard you invite anybody to stay before. That's what I couldn't believe. By the way, Dan, I want to tell you something. You know, it's come up before about you being on the spectrum, whatever it is. I think that's a canard and a calumny. By the way, Dan, I want to tell you something. You know, it's come up before about you being on the spectrum, whatever it is. I think that's a canard and a calumny. I do not believe in any way.

I want to tell this. He's talking about the Asperger's. You don't believe that he's an autistic. I hope you're not going to say what I think you're going to say. You don't believe in any way what? That Dan is on the autism spectrum. I don't think Dan's on the spectrum. I don't think he is. And it bothers me that people say that.

How can you not? Well, it doesn't bother me. I don't know why it bothers you. I don't think it's an insult. That it doesn't bother you is actually evidence that it might be true. If you know anything about autism,

shut up, Dan. Don't help me. Because it is a spectrum, and I think Bill Gates is on the spectrum. There's a lot of famous... So many great people are on the spectrum. If I were, I'd be in certainly wonderful company. We have with us Mo Amir.

Amor, Amor. Oh, sorry. No, it's okay. It's fine. It's like my entire existence of trying to get people to pronounce my last name properly. And it has to do with my parents when we first came here. They should have added definitely another A in front of my name, but they didn't do that. It wouldn't have helped.

It wouldn't have helped. You need an accent mark or something. No, you would need an accent. People don't know accent marks. You can barely read nowadays. You were born in America? Born in the USA or born? I was actually born in Kuwait.

So I left Kuwait after the first Gulf War. What are you, a Kuwaiti citizen? I'm not. This is, again, another thing of the bane of my existence. In Kuwait, it doesn't matter if you're born there. It matters where your parents come from. Well, that's why I asked. That's what Trump

wants to do here. Because if you're a Kuwaiti citizen, I'm told you just get money. Yeah, you do. You make, I think it's about a thousand dinars a month, last I checked, per person. How much is that? It's about 3,000 US dollars. And that's per person. So if you're a family of four... No, no, a family of 12 I checked. How much is that? Just about 3,000 U.S. dollars. And that's per person, so if you're a family of four... No, no, a family of 12, pal.

That's how they do it over there. They monetize their children. Right. Oh. Yeah, yeah. It's just like if you... First of all, they have a lot of kids to begin with. I always say that.

They think Mexicans have a lot of kids. No, Arabs have a lot of kids. You have all those wives. Yes, true. They can do that. They can do that. Potentially. Not me personally, just for the record, if my wife's listening.

But yeah, they definitely do that. They definitely monetize their children. If you have a family of 12, that's 36 Gs a month just for the kids. But you have to live in Kuwait to get the money? Yeah. I mean, why would you want to live anywhere else if you're getting paid that much? And you have to be a Kuwaiti citizen. Absolutely.

Which means I think you have to descend from the original tribe, whatever they were. And then they got that oil and they had to import everybody because nobody has to work. So they got to import everybody. Absolutely. Everybody's important. Same thing with the Emirates as well. How many Emirati citizens actually exist is probably like half a million. That's a really, really generous estimate.

But really, it's like, you know, there's 7 million people living in the Emirates and like 500,000 of them, if that, are actual Emirati citizens. So your family's not from Kuwait. They came from somewhere else to work. It does. Yeah. It keeps getting interesting, guys. The plot thickens.

Where am I from, Noam? You know. I don't know. Come on. Take a guess. Egypt. No? You know. I don't know. Come on, take a guess. Egypt. No. Close by. It's close by.

Sudan. No, not Sudan. Morocco? Libya. Morocco. Eastern border of Egypt. Just tell him. Northeast.

He'll never get it. This is too much fun, though. North, eastern border. I don't know. What's the northeast? Where are you from, Noam? Israel. That's it.

Well, we know. You're Palestinian. Yes, exactly. I'm from a small village right outside of Nablus called Burin. That's where I come from, originally. But that's not where you were born. That's your ancestry. Yeah, that is my ancestry, correct.

So my parents, who couldn't live there as well, they moved to Kuwait. Well, my father was actually a telecommunications engineer, ended up landing a job in Kuwait. And he was instrumental in creating wireless communication between rigs and also helped build the first radio station in Kuwait, which I thought was really fascinating. The northeastern border, it would seem so ridiculous, I couldn't even process it.

Well, because I don't see them as bordering necessarily. Because you have the Red Sea there. I mean, there is like a little... But they do literally border on the Egyptian border. I don't want to get too into the geographical aspects of it. They share a small border. So tell the truth. How did you get passed here?

How did I get passed here? How did I get passed here? How did you get recognized? In other words, approved to work here. He knows what passed means. No, he does, but the audience might not. You throw out these terms of art that exist in the comedy world. You take it for granted. Like I told somebody once I had a spot downtown.

And that spot means that you're performing. And to me it's so obvious. But to somebody that's not a comic, I have a spot. How much is rent down there? Yeah. How did you get authorized to perform at the Comedy Cellar? How did I get authorized? Well, it was a big vetting process that actually took place.

It was actually through Dave Chappelle. He's the one who brought me here. I toured with Dave Chappelle. Chappelle recommended you to Estee? Well, actually, it went like Chappelle. Chappelle looked at Mustafa. Mustafa was like, hey, it went like Chappelle, Chappelle looked at Mustafa, Mustafa was like, hey, he can get you in here.

He was like, why don't y'all work this? Basically, talk to Mustafa. But nobody told Esty you were Palestinian, did they? No. No, no, no.

We still haven't. We had to, we had to, we had to, look. That's why I wanted to come watch my set because I have a closing joke about my particular, like, it took me 20 years

to get my U.S. citizenship. Before that, I had a refugee travel document, right? And it was very confusing to me, much less immigration officers, which you would think they would know

what this document means, but actually, no, they don't. And it would be a problem from the kiosk, you know? There's got to be some refugee groupie pussy out there.

Yeah, oh man, there's all kinds of groupie pussy out there for refugees. You don't even know about that refugee pussy. That's so terrible. It really is awful. But for 20 years, for 10 of those 20 years before I became a citizen, I traveled all over the world with a refugee travel document.

On the front it says Department of Homeland Security, and they think I'm a diplomat initially. Like, oh, what is this document? And on the inside, in all caps, it, this is not a U.S. passport. And they put you in cuffs. Yeah, exactly. Basically that. I mean, it varies.

I've had interrogations last 45 minutes, 10 minutes, to 13 hours, 15 hours. 13 hours? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where were you traveling? That was Bahrain. That's when that happened. Yeah, that was in Bahrain. And I was so stupid because I was so excited to go back to an arab country i haven't

been back to it in like 15 years at that point and it was my first like legit tour there in 2006 uh and i was like i'm gonna speak arabic these are my people blah blah blizzy blah it was the worst thing i ever did i showed up i was like hey how you doing brother you know speaking in arabic good to see you he's like yeah what the fuck is this and then he I showed up. I was like, hey, how you doing, brother? You know, speaking in Arabic, good to see you. He's like, yeah, what the fuck is this? And then he opens up my document. He was like, no, we don't accept these, which is true. They really don't accept travel documents in the Middle East. I already knew that before I got there.

But then I was held for, you know, about five hours. And they said, OK, you can go roam around the airport. So I was like Tom Hanks in the terminal. I was like getting to know everybody at the burger joints, the different places, different spots. And then I came back down at 7 a.m. and I was held again. I was asked a million questions. Is it scary? No, I didn't give a shit.

Like, what's the worst thing to do? They're going to send me back. I mean, I'm trying to get to the gig. That's really what it is. Is that the worst thing they will do if you say so? I don't know. I mean, it's not the worst thing they can do. I guess, you know, in some countries, they can just detain you without any cause at all. Or they have morality police.

I don't know the nature, but in some of those emirates, they have... Yeah, they have morality police. Yeah, of course. They have that there, but that's not what I was dealing with. I was dealing with immigration law at that point. Just immigration. Yeah, I was not in the actual territory for me to even get...

You haven't even been in the country yet. ...reprimanded yet. Yeah, exactly. Right now, I'm an international. Yeah, buted yet. Now Moe, I know this is, but I can still see someone being nervous like I'm a Muslim comic and maybe they've

Googled me and saw me saying something. Who the hell knows? You hear these ridiculous stories and things that happen in the world.

I've been through it. I've been through it. I've been through it. Moe, that's short for Muhammad, I gather. Yeah, exactly. Muhammad the most, people always for Muhammad, I gather. Yeah, exactly. Muhammad the most. People always say Muhammad.

They follow that up with something. Muhammad the prophet. May the blessed be upon him. Yeah, exactly. Peace be upon him. Peace be upon him. It's the translation, yeah. Now, Noam, by the way, when Noam made that remark about Esty knowing you're Palestinian,

here's the truth about the Comedy Cellar, which distincts. I was just saying this today to a friend of mine. The Comedy Cellar is unique among. Somebody's asking me, here's the truth about the Comedy Cellar, which distinct... I was just saying this today to a friend of mine. The Comedy Cellar is unique among... Somebody's asking me, what's the secret of the Comedy Cellar? And I said, well, one of the secrets are they always like to book the best people. And this person said, well, isn't that obvious?

And I said, you'd think it would be, but other clubs don't seem to do that. And also, would they go one step further? They will book you even if they don't like you. Yeah. Thank you. I didn't know I was not liked here in the South. Is that what you're insinuating?

Esty loves me. I'm saying even if you advocate. I am convinced I am a unique human being put on this earth for this particular time to do something extremely special, whether through stand-up or being my background. But I don't care if you are here for jihad. Yeah. That's exactly what I meant, though, Dan. That's exactly what I meant, though. That's exactly what I was saying. Oh, shit, they're on to me.

Can you hold this for a second? I'll be back in 30 seconds. If you do well on stage, Esty will use you, even if you were being serious. That's beautiful. Noam has said to me many, many times, he always separates personal feelings from booking decisions. Okay, but just for record,

to say the obvious, I have no personal feelings of any kind of negativity towards anybody out there in the group of Palestinians. I understand that. And I have none towards the latter.

I just want Mo to speak. I want Mo to be able to speak freely because I'm afraid that he may hide some of his sentiments for fear of not getting booked because... Oh, fuck that. All right.

So if you are... Specifically from Chappelle to me, he's like, bro, give him hell. Do what the fuck you want. Say what you need to say. See what you need to say. If I may quote the great John Mayer. That's what he told me, man.

Say what you need to say. John Mayer's a friend, man. I'll go one step further. I think, I think, and Noam won't say this, but I think the more Noam doesn't like you personally, the more he wants to use you to prove that he's not biased. That's what I think.

I'm not sure I can prove it. I want to sit down and talk for hours with Noam, honestly. I would love to do that too. No, not with Essie. Essie, I just want to let you know I'm not the one who said that. It's fine. She doesn't listen to the show. Don't worry.

She doesn't listen. That's hilarious. I mean, there's never been any particular... I don't see much animosity between Arabs and Jews... It's super annoying to me. ...in this country. Not just unique here. I mean, people work together.

They don't... For me, it's a political play. I mean, I heard stories from my Nazi's grandfather of just him going to hang out with Christians during Christmas and his Jewish friends during their holidays, which coincidentally happened to be around the same time as Muslim holidays.

It's not really coincidental because we both go by the lunar calendar. This year, I think both New Year's were on the same day. Listen, my father was extremely... I would say he was right-wing Israeli. Listen, my father was extremely I would say he was Right wing Israeli And

It was the most important thing to him My whole life was Israel And the issues in Israel And nevertheless, I never heard him say one bad word about Arabs to me I mean, growing up He always distinguished between The policies Which you would probably disagree

Which he found abhorrent. But he never, it never extended to Arabic people ever, ever, ever, which is, you know, I can't say all Israelis are like that. But a lot of Israelis, a lot of Israelis. And he hired a ton of them. I don't know what the percentage is, but every time I go there, I tour there or go there personally after I became a citizen. I have had nothing but pleasant experiences. Even with those that I know that hate me with no reason

or cause, that right out of the gate, I'm able to break through them at some point and crack them at some point. The only ones that I haven't is the Mossad guys. I know who they are because they sit and watch while I'm being asked questions. They stand and watch and they have zero sense of humor.

They were just trained that way. But the Mossad guys actually probably don't hate you. They're a little more sophisticated. They're business. They're there on business. And they're there. They hold a particular poker face, and that's what their job is. But there certainly is bigotry on both sides.

Oh, certainly. Yeah, exactly. Well, what country doesn't have that? Name one that doesn't have that. Sweden. I don't know. No, you're right't have that? Name one that doesn't have that. Sweden? No, you're right. Switzerland? Switzerland.

Andorra? It's a basic aspect of human nature. It certainly is, and every country has it. And when you have families dying on both sides, it really makes it easy for those feelings to well up in you. Right, of course. No, I've seen the situation. I've seen the condition on both sides.

You lift the walls, you take everything down, you work together, and I'm not saying it's going to be all fucking fine and dandy, everybody's going to be holding hands and skipping down the streets, but eventually you will learn how to work together again and all those hearts will melt, and then after so many years that generation will start, you know, when people, I'm real,

when they'll start passing away and start dying off, and then you have the new breed coming up, and everybody will start eventually working together even more so than you've ever seen. And it will be fine. It will be fine. I'm personally like a one-state solution guy. Well, you're not a one-state. We can get to that later. How long have you been working here, by the way, Mo?

Yeah, you're not? He's been working here about two weeks. He's been working here three weeks. So Mo doesn't even realize. We used to have a kitchen here. He has no idea. I've seen. It's been so long that it's like parents tell their children about it.

You know, these long lost days when there used to be food here. I'm thinking about this one-state solution. Yeah, I know you are. I know you are. Why? What is it? I want to know. I know, he's sitting there like he needs a stress ball.

Because I think. You hit the trigger. You hit the trigger word. To have a one state made up of different nationalities, a mosaic, as it were, to use the cliche, you have to have peoples who want to put the patriotism of that one state above their tribe. Sure. And I don't see that, even in the Jewish people, and I see it even less, actually, in the Arab people today. Yeah. I don't see that even in the Jewish people and I see it even less actually in the Arab people today

I don't disagree with that either whoever would have political leverage I think would not be nice listen, it didn't even work in Lebanon you know, among Christians and Muslims it doesn't work in Yugoslavia it barely works in Canada where they're rich, where every so often the French want us to see

I think one state solutions are difficult, especially in nations that are very religious. Would I object to it in a kind of utopian sense? Yeah, that would be wonderful. Yeah, yeah. No, I agree. I agree with those arguments, actually. And for those reasons, it probably will never happen. But I think that's what's going to eventually happen, whether you like it or not.

But what will happen first, peace between Arabs and Jews or the kitchen opening here at the coffee shop? I mean, I will say this. It's a really important question, though, seriously. Do you do Trump material in your act? Recently, yeah. I've had a couple of stuff that I kind of threw away, and I've been enjoying doing it. I've been enjoying doing it, but then other people started doing something similar to it, so I just dumped it and wrote a whole new thing about it.

What's your take on Trump and his attitude about Muslims? He's not real, first of all. If I have any opinion about Donald Trump, I mean, I accept that he's real. He's nothing more than an illusion to me. So that's what he is. He's just a really, really master publicist. He's doing exactly what he is He's just a really really Master publicist He's doing exactly what he wants to do

And he's killing the game In that I have zero opinion of him I give a shit what he says Because to me the whole The whole thing I don't think I don't think anything really changes Whether you put Clinton or Trump in office I don't think it really really changes

You're not worried as a Muslim of any change if Trump were president? I've been a refugee, man. I came here on a school bus through Iraq with my mom smuggling or hiding whatever money we have left in certain suitcases and briefcases in our purse and making custom money belts. I think I give a shit about what fucking that orange puppet's saying. I mean, I don't really care. He makes a good point. I really am completely don't give a shit.

What's the worst thing? Are you going to kick me out? That's the worst thing, yeah. You can't kick me out. Number one, I'm a U.S. citizen. I know the laws are on my side. You can't. You just can't just send somebody away without any kind of cause or some kind of... You can take away their citizenship. To just send somebody away without any kind of cause or some kind of... You can take away their citizenship.

To be clear, he wants to kick out the Mexicans. He wants to keep the Muslims from coming in. Let's really talk about that, though. Seriously, let's all talk... Well, he wants to... Let's talk about the real problem. He wants to enforce immigration law so anybody that's not legally here would go.

And he doesn't want to let any new Muslims in. Well, he's just saying all that, too. What's going to happen to your doctor population is going to go down significantly and your freaking Arabs and Muslims in general, like, they're killing the game. Dude, let me ask you this. Honestly, because Mustafa, actually

interesting, and then some other Arabic people that I know, but Mustafa, who I speak to a lot. Hatem's here too, by the way. And Hatem also, are actually to the right of most white, as Hillary said, basement living liberals on this Muslim thing. They're actually a little bit more respectful of not Trump's solution, but of him identifying a problem which they actually seem to agree is real.

They see the problem within their own families, within Arabic countries, this whole... And then you see this whole spate of terrorism, and either they're recent immigrants or the first generation of Muslim immigrants. What is the answer? If you had a magic wand and you wanted to keep America safe,

what would you do that would... You thought you were going to come talk about comedy I made a ridiculous point because somebody was saying it was racism, I'm like well I don't know if it's racism because I have a note 7 and 17 out of a million blow up

so what did the government do we're taking all these million back because 17 of them we're recalling a million of them in other words because 17 are dangerous so it's not bigotry that they want all this like you know if there's no worry about being called a bigot you say okay what's what's the risk population and that's too risky so but on the other hand these are human lives so you can't just be as dismissive it's not a phone. Right.

But what is the answer? These phones might become self-aware at some point. Do you want to be safe again? That's your question? How can you make... In other words, would you... America's very safe. Do we worry about... We know that if we take in a million Muslims, there is going to be a certain percentage

of those that are going to be radicalized, and based on previous experience and what's going on in Europe, people are going to die. I think it starts with foreign policy though. We don't have the best foreign policy in the world. First of all, just own the shit you're doing across the planet. Maybe that's one to take responsibility for your actions. Maybe that'll start...

Is that the problem? I think that's a major issue. Then why do they blow up so many people in the Arab countries? That's what I don't get at. Like in Syria, Iraq. I think the question is like why is America blowing up? We are blowing up a shit ton of towns and cities and creating chaos throughout the planet. We did. We did and still currently do.

I mean the bombers that were sold to the Saudi Arabian government, now they're blowing up Yemen. The weapons race itself. Like, what we contribute on the planet itself. We have over 800 military bases worldwide. I've done over 100 military bases all over this planet. Don't be afraid to name the Jew. Yeah. No, I'm serious.

Don't be afraid. No, I'm not afraid of anything, man. No, no, you're making sense. Go ahead, go ahead. I'm like, you know, we got to just take responsibility how we're treating the planet. We go to Brazil and steal a lot of the resources out of the Amazon, make amazing medicine and pills out of it,

and sell that shit back to Brazil. That's the most gangster shit I've ever heard of in my life. How do we steal stuff in the Amazon? Why don't they stop us? How are you going to stop us? When I was in Okinawa, I was hanging out. Have you been to Brazil? Yeah,? Why don't they stop us? How are you going to stop us? When I was in Okinawa, I was hanging out. Have you been to Brazil? Yeah, exactly. When did they stop you?

When I was in Okinawa, for instance, I was hanging out with these guys after the show. They happened to be Air Force pilots, officers. And they took me around and they gave me a little tour, which I thought to be hysterical, by the way, that Mohammed was getting a very, very personal tour of the spy jets, by the way, that they fly.

Just fucking hysterical. I wrote a whole film about how Al-Qaeda could be more relevant if they raised the stand-up comedian and then for the goal to blow up a strategic base. I thought it would be hysterical. Anyway, I'm not really doing that. Just whoever is listening. Yeah, be careful. No, so, I mean, when I went to that base and the guy was telling me, he's like, yeah, I fly the spy jet. I'm like, you that, just whoever's listening. Yeah, be careful. No, so I mean, when I went to that base,

and the guy was telling me, he's like, yeah, I fly the spy jet. I'm like, you fly a fucking spy jet? Where? He goes, wherever, usually into Russia. I'm like, you fly a spy jet into Russia? He says, yeah, they have translators on board, and they go up there, and they go into Russian border, and they listen to conversations. I'm like, bro, what the fuck do the Russians have to say about that?

Because they just send their F-16s and they watch us. I mean, who the fuck else on the planet is doing that? You think a Chinese spy plane flies into United States soil anywhere near it, it's going to fucking make it and give them time to roam around

and listen to conversations? Impossible. It's because we are just a monster power. We spend more than the top, there's top 11 militaries exist on the planet. We spend more than the other top 10 combined. I'm all for that.

The US is like the biggest. Of course, because we have to because we have to maintain that order. We're the biggest nosy neighborhood lady. Yeah, I know. In people's curtains. And what are you doing in there, George? Huh?

You guys have an eggplant tonight? Why did I get a call about that? You know I love the eggplant, Georgie. You're making a point, and although I don't agree with it, I try to keep an open mind to it. There's nothing to agree to. It's just exactly what's going on. No, which essentially seems to be that America and its behavior bears the responsibility and sole responsibility such that if only America had behaved itself, there would be no Arab fundamentalism. There'd be no Arab terrorism.

There'd be no. He didn't say it's a sole. He said it's a start. I'm saying it's a contributing. It's a major contributing factor to the situation. There's no doubt. Like going into Iraq and bombing Iraq and doing what you did to Iraq. Saddam Hussein was placed in power by Donald Rumsfeld and all these guys.

They all knew what they were doing. It's all part of a system to gain power. And I'm not mad at you. I'm an American. I'm an American. I'm winning off of these things. I'm still paying, you know, $2.50 a gallon. Amazing.

I was just in London three days ago. About $8 a gallon. Oh, shit. I'm glad to be American. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm still going to have to follow your answer in the non-answer. In the non-answer?

In other words, I mean, you're American. It just helps. It would help. I think it's impossible to stop everything. It's just the world has, in Arabic, they call it khair and shahr. You know, there's blessings and there's evil. You know, one guy might lose his job. That's evil for him.

But the next guy that gets that job, it's a blessing for him. It's just the way the world works. Yeah. I'm scared of, I'm truly scared of a dirty bomb in Times Square and this kind of thing. Of course, I'm scared too. A little bit. And if it does happen,

we're going to all be like, we couldn't do anything because we don't want to be called biggest. But at some point you say, well, we kind of saw this coming, didn't we? And we were paralyzed to do anything. I didn't want to be called biggest. But at some point you say, well, we kind of saw this coming, didn't we? And we were paralyzed to do anything. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know. I think that's like living in a – I don't want to live that way.

I know that it could happen. A lot of things exist. Every time I get in an airplane, which is often, and I can be thinking like, yep, I could die today. And I do think that sometimes I say a little something to myself and I go to sleep. I know. I'm aware of the risks. but the world is what it is.

All right, Dan, I'm convinced. I'm a leftist. You're a leftist? How you doing, Dan? Well, I don't know if we're going to solve this problem right now. Another issue that's important in the world today is, did you know that the TD Bank no longer has their coin machines? So if you have a bunch of coins that you need to...

It's been a while now. I was infuriated. They won't take coins anymore? They don't take your coins. I had all these summer coins. Wait, no, but I think they will... You know, in the summer you don't have zip-up pockets, so I put them in my cup.

I got probably $80 worth of coins. I thought they still had it, but you had to be a TD Bank member. No, if you're a TD Bank member, you can roll your coins up. Oh, Jesus. And they give you coins. Who does that anymore? So I go over there with a sack of coins. I'm feeling like Naterman is back, right?

Right. I'm $80. You just broke your back. And I go in there with my bag of coins. We don't do that no more. Maybe you ain't heard. Bring your coins here, Dan. Can I bring my coins here? You gotta go to a coin star.

But they charge you. I don't care if they charge me. You can take half or all I care. I don't want these damn coins. Just Google coin star. What am I gonna do with these stupid coins? I basically pretend that coins don't exist or matter. Me too. I give them away. I just stopped even like, if I get a coffee and it's 2.30, I'm like, thank you very much.

Have a great day. I just leave. I'm doing that more and more. Fuck this change. And pennies? Why the hell do pennies still exist? Ask the Joe. He'll tell you.

Tell me. Why? Why? Well, that's a good question. I think Canada has gotten rid of their pennies. The rest of the world has. I'm not so sure. But we are going into the cooler months, which means change will go in my pocket for later use.

It's the summer where I accumulate a lot of points. There is, like, a really good feeling when you got that exact change, though. I don't know. I hoard quarters because I need them for parking meters sometimes. But anyway, okay. Sticker, we've been joined by Elon Altman, a stand-up comic who recently won New York's

Got Talent and was awarded his own Off-Broadway show. Alright. Those credits can either be the greatest thing you've ever heard or meaningless. Do you know... We've never heard of New York's Got Talent. And off-Broadway, how off is it?

Do you know Mo? So we have to delve a little bit more into this. Yeah, I just met Mo outside. Okay. Go ahead. He sold me drugs. He sold you drugs? Yeah.

He looks suspicious. Mo. Mo. What's up? Tell me one Jewish stereotype you believe is true. What? Jewish? Why you got to put me in these situations?

Yeah, because I was saying to Dan before, that, you know, I've been a nightclub owner for a long, long time. And in that time, I've had various, various nights, both music and comedy. And I've had nights that were all Brazilian, all Korean, all Jewish, all Israeli,

all black, you name it. And only a fucking liar is going to try to pretend, oh, no, there's no difference between those crowds. If you were blind, you'd have no way of knowing any possible difference in human behavior because everybody's the same. I mean, there's no – a black room is totally the same as a Korean room. There's nothing to distinguish them. So my point being, of course, that nobody, nobody truly believes that there are not some truth to some patterns that they recognize in peoples. The moral challenge for every human is to be able to understand that, yet not allow yourself to treat people other than as individuals and not allow yourself to treat people in a bigoted way.

But to pretend that the Koreans didn't all show up 15 minutes early and the entire room was full for an 8 o'clock show. And the girls over drank. And they didn full for an 8 o'clock show. And they didn't make a peep during the show. That would just be ridiculous. Global media domination. So I've gone first now.

I've said one stereotype. The Asian people truly do come early and are very well behaved. Now you said something about the Jews. Thank you. Surrounded by Jews. Well, that's easy. Thank you. Surrounded by Jews. That's easy to say because that's a good stereotype. Yeah, thank you.

I appreciate you continuing to put my career at risk at every step of the way. Oh, it is a stereotype. Touché. The Jews control Hollywood. Okay. Is it really a stereotype, though? Oh, yes, it is. It is.

That's not a stereotype. I'm teasing. You guys love food. You talk about lunch when you're having breakfast, and at lunch you talk about dinner. To say the Jews control Hollywood to the extent that's true is not a stereotype. That's like saying it's a stereotype that most Chinese restaurants

are owned by Chinese people. It's a verifiable fact. In any case, let's move on to Elon. No, it is, though. Our guest today. I don't know. That's not a bad thing. I think it's just, like, touche. Sorry about that, Elon. You know, Noam gets these ideas and he's determined to talk about them.

No problem at all. Rather than waiting for... How do you feel about the Nazis? Tell me one thing about homosexuals. I think they're a basket of deplorables. There you go. We were saying that Noam won New York's Got Talent.

Noam did not win that. Noam just won America's Got Talent. Now, New York's Got Talent, the little brother, I guess, to America's Got Talent. Unaffiliated, but the same type of thing, a multi-week talent competition with all sorts of weird acts. Under the aegis of who?

Producers in the Times Square area that run this at the theater, the Electro Theater. I'm curious about what aegis, right? Is that what you said? No, no, no, aegis. Like, under, who is in charge? A-E-G-U-S. I got you. U-S? I-S? Whatever, yeah. You know, who's producing it, you mean?

Cooper Jordan Entertainment. Is it like a, do they try to trade on the Got Talent name, but they don't? Well, I don't want him to get in trouble, but they certainly use that in a way that people who come to it know that it's going to be that style of show. And they might think it's associated with the America. He's looking at his watch.

I'm just waiting. No, no, no. Does that turn on when you look at it? Yeah, it does. And they might think it's associated with the America... He's looking at his watch. Does that turn on when you look at it? Yeah, it does. That's cool. It's certainly a similar show. You've got judges, you've got audience votes. It's not on TV, though. It's not on TV. Who are the judges?

They're like Broadway producers. His mother. I'm just kidding. Entertainment. So you're a comedian? Yeah, I'm a stand-up. And have you submitted your tape to Esty? I have not.

I didn't know that was a way to get in here. Well, we talked about this last week with Julia Rossi. You have the inside track with a name like Elon. I mean, you're probably way easier than Mahan. I'm not Israeli, but it is an Israeli name. Well, we've been through this. Esty will give you little Esty.

Esty gives you no extra credit for being Jewish and no Do you speak Hebrew by the way? Stop pushing these stereotypes, Noam. It's not true. It doesn't matter if he's Jewish or not. It matters if he's

hilarious. Esty will throw anybody out of here unceremoniously. Of course she tends to appreciate Jewish humor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's why I learned how to do this voice. Do you speak any Hebrew? Do you speak Hebrew? I don't speak Hebrew.

Okay. My brothers do. Yeah, usually Boston. I don't know if that matters. No. Well, so go ahead. I mean, go ahead. Go ahead, Elon.

Oh, okay. So, yeah, I'm a stand-up. So they awarded you your own off-Broadway show? Yeah, so that's the prize is at this theater. It's like a 250-seat theater. It's a six-week run of a 90-minute show, which I could do whatever I want with it. I'm going to do stand-up.

I'm going to have openers. I'll do an hour at the end. You don't have to put any of your own money in? Nothing. Not a dime. They fully produce and promote it. They get the crowds. They do everything.

What was the audition process for this show, Just Show Up? I sent in a submission tape. There's a lot of first round shows and then they basically pass two people through each round. It goes on for about five weeks. How much money did you get? What was the first prize?

Was it just the off-Broadway show? It was a four-figure cash prize. Four figures? That's not bad. In the low four figures. I will say that I was on America's Got Talent, and I made it to the semifinals, and I got zero dollars.

Yeah, look at that. But you got... I benefited from the publicity of it, obviously. Well, I've heard you say you've made maybe six figures in the publicity. I listen to this show. Yeah, I've made money off of the publicity. But there was no actual, it was

either first prize or you got no money. And they didn't even pay us, even though it was on TV. And I don't know how they get away with this with the Screen Actors Guild or whatever, but for some reason there's some loopholes where they don't have to pay anybody. Because it's a game show. I guess because it's a game show. And so whatever it is. So anyway, we didn't get paid.

Well, this one too. Second place was nothing. That is Stegna. See, I would say this is quite Jewish what Dan's doing right now. No, I would not say that. He's bitter and resentful. I'm not bitter.

I'm having a conversation. Well, I'm saying if I owned America's Got Talent, I'd be like, this unappreciative fuck made $100,000 and bitching that he didn't get union scale

on my show. No. What I'm doing is stating a fact that here you have a very high budget production, and they don't pay their acts, and I think that's interesting. I think our listeners think it's interesting, and I think that Noam is just trying to get back by any means necessary to the conversation that he wants to have anyway. It is interesting.

Which is a conversation about stereotypes. I just want to watch you two argue for three hours. It is interesting. Which is a conversation about stereotypes. I just want to watch you two argue for three hours. It is interesting, however it's also interesting. I want to ask the questions. I wish you would. What also is interesting is that it seems to bother you. They're both interesting. It doesn't bother me particularly.

I thought it was interesting that you know, just as a academic discussion. That's all. I'm not bothered by it at all. You've got talent. Is this the first?

How many years has this been? This is the third season of it. They don't do it once a year. It's been like probably in the last nine months they've had three. Do you know who won previously? The first season is a magician who won, and he's actually, after his six-week run

in this Off-Broadway Theater, they've actually had him back for like three more runs because it's been selling out and doing really well. The second season winner, I don't know. I think they've had some,

it kind of hasn't materialized just yet. And what happens if you don't sell any, I mean, I hope this doesn't happen to you, but like what happens if you don't sell any tickets for your show? You just do it,

do they cut it? Is there some kind of? You get the six weeks. I guess they would just be really, they would just be really sad with me and I would be sad with myself. Are you going to send us a tape or something so we can see your act?

Yeah, yeah. I've done it on TV before. I'll send you a good clip. Yeah, yeah. What TV have you done? Can I name other? AXIS TV? Oh, that's the...

No, no, no, no, no, no. Of course you can. I did Gotham Comedy live. You just ruined your chances at ever getting booked here. Damn it. That's worse than being Palestinian, trust me. They go to the internet.

Hold on, what's wrong with being Palestinian? Just kidding. You have to understand, Elon, that Essie couldn't give a shit about Muslim Jewel, but she bleeds Comedy Cellar blue. Let me tell you.

Anything about Gotham. I'm not sure when... No, for real, this place for me is like super... I started coming here 16 years ago when I would sneak in here

underage to go to the shows downstairs. I'm from New York. This is my whole life, this place. This is really cool to be here right now. Elon, just for your edification,

first of all, I didn't know when the Comedy Cellar's official color became blue, but that's interesting. Okay. Or why that was. That's why I'm wearing blue. I assumed that's why you won. I always thought of the Comedy Cellar more as green.

Hello, Ari. How do you feel about that? Green like money? No, green like the Olive Tree Cafe. Yeah, there you go. Speaking of money, can I ask a question? What's wrong with green? No, what's wrong with green? No, what's wrong with green, no.

It's because it's in the Palestinian flag. Is that what it is? What's wrong with green? I didn't realize that, but probably deep within me, I did know that. Green, red, and black. No, the point I wanted to make, though, was that he questioned whether he can bring up the name of another club. And Noam doesn't care. And the reason Noam doesn't care is because the Comedy Cellar is

bitch slapping so badly. I've never seen... It's such a bloodbath what's going on between the Comedy Cellar and the other clubs. Now, Gotham is doing reasonably well, but the Comedy Cellar is beating senseless. Well, it's an institution.

When I started doing comedy, every club was... The Comedy Cellar was beating senseless. Well, it's an institution. When I started doing comedy, every club was... The Comedy Cellar was not special when I started. There's the Comedy Cellar, there's the Strip, there's the Stand Up New York. It was all about equal. But now what's happening is the Comedy Cellar, it's like a black hole. It's sucked.

It's a vortex. It's a black hole. And the more massive it becomes, the more the gravitational attraction becomes. And it just is becoming ridiculous. And Nome has nothing to fear from these other clubs. It's all going according to plan.

Well, I have to say, it's actually true. You keep perpetuating these stereotypes. No, because as it says in The Elders of Zion. I didn't say that.

I just wanted to make sure that I did not say The Elders of Zion. You heard Mo say that. We heard it. He said the G word and the E word. I was telling Estee today,

I don't know if it's interesting or not, but you can stop me if it's not, that, or maybe you were sitting at the table, I don't know,

that when I first, when we first started expanding to the underground and all that stuff, I did tell Estee that what I first when we first started expanding to the underground and all that stuff, I did tell SD that what is now happening is a possibility. I said we'll be able to give more and more acts.

The acts will start appearing only here because they don't want to travel around town. We're going to pay more. That'll make the other clubs weaker. And then the internet word will get out and people will just start appearing here more and it'll build on itself, which will allow us to pay the comedians even more money and make it. You're sounding like Pablo Escobar the more and more you speak.

And I said it really just trying to sell Esty on the idea because she was so against the underground. But that's actually what's happened. It's actually it's actually it is like it is feeding on itself. I don't know when it's going to end. This is the killer instinct that I never had, and one of the reasons. It wasn't a killer instinct. It just happened that way. So you're saying it wasn't the plan.

It was a natural progression. It was not motivated out of the killer instinct. I'd be very happy if all the clubs were just as busy as we are. I'm just saying when I opened the underground, I realized that that was what is happening was a possibility because there are only 25

A-list comedians in the city. There really are. And not all of them are in town every weekend. And then we fill in with the rest, actually, who are B-plus comedians, I'd say. And when we're giving everybody in the, like the A and the A, you know, all the top acts in the city three, four spots a night,

they don't work anywhere else. And then it makes it very, very tough for the other clubs. And they have to, you know, have to try to peel people off. Why would you? It's very hard to do that, actually, even just Just timing-wise. And plus, rhythm-wise. Just thinking about it, just logically, just having time to go from one spot to the other. It was four spots the other night.

It's like, by the time you're done, take a few breaths and you hop on to the next one. Wait until the kitchen's back, Dan. Oh my god. It's going to be a real world war. A key ingredient, and it can't be emphasized enough, is that the internet and social media has changed everything in the sense that word gets out. People know exactly what the reality is before they step foot in a comedy club.

It used to be it didn't matter what was going on. There were still 100,000 tourists every summer who would come in here. And they thought one club was, and it was really impossible. They would, they would buy like folders or, or go to some paid tourist guide where every club is described as fantastic. And so you, you, they would especially roll the dice. Now it's very, very clear to anybody who spends 20 minutes trying to research where they're going to go, what the best club is. So it feeds on itself that way.

Well, thanks for making the shows that I get on worse. Hilarious. Well, now you've got to send your tape in. Or tape. We keep saying tape. I have a VHS. I have a VHS. I'll come film you.

I'll bring it over. We're about to wrap up, but I do want to table one thing because it's in the news and it's bugging me. And I do not support Trump, just for the record, although people might listen to me

and think otherwise. I am furious that anybody thinks that anybody would ever pay more taxes than their accountant tells them they legally owe. Not $1 more. What am I missing? Well, we still don't know, though. That's the spin they're giving it right now, but we still haven't seen it. We don't know that that's the simple case of it.

There could be all sorts of other weird things in those returns. Well, no, there probably couldn't be, because the accusation in the Times is that he lost like a billion dollars, which would be enough to—he has to go? Which would be enough for him to offset earnings for 15 years. He's been audited at least more than a few times in those 15 years. So we have to presume that whatever's in those returns is all legal. Right?

There's been no accusation of him doing anything illegal. No, but there could be lots of, I don't know. What could there be? I use TurboTax. I don't know much about TurboTax. But my only point being that if you hire an accountant and he doesn't fucking, and if he comes back to you and tells you $1,000 more than you actually owe, you're going to be furious with that accountant.

And if you lose a billion dollars, you have a right to take the losses. That's the system. Everybody does it. Right, but that's still just the story from the 1995 returns. We still haven't seen all these other years when, like Hillary said, That's the system. Everybody does it. Right, but that's still just the story from the 1995 returns. We still haven't seen all these other years when, like Hillary said, who knows what he's, you know, has he been given a charity? Has he been, you know?

No, he should. Probably not. I don't think he's a charitable guy. That year's tax return. I just feel that way. I feel that way. He's not a charitable guy. I don't know the guy, obviously, but I just feel like. If he hasn't been given the charity, that's certainly something to judge in his character.

I totally agree with that. But I'm talking about the accusation. They answered your question, Noam. You're correct. A bunch of hypocrites. The people don't like the fact that he said it makes me smart. I guess they thought it was smug. But the bottom line is that liberals, as much as conservatives,

pick their horse and they just stay with it and will not look at the other side. Me being a Libra, I tell you, that's what we do. And so therefore, and that's one of the reasons I think, I think it's one of the reasons why I'm not a bigger star, because I see... There we go.

The stars learn a line. It comes down to astrology. I see both sides of the argument, so I'm not a rabble rouser. Comics that go on stage and go, God damn it! You know, like that really not a rabble-rouser. Comics that go on stage and go, God damn it! You know, like, that really pick a side and push it all the way. You know, you can get a following that way. You can get a following by being a rabble-rousing loudmouth,

which I am a very reasoned individual, although I will be voting for Hillary come November. I do agree that the accusations against Trump in this case are unfair. I think they're ridiculous. I don't know. Listen, if you want... I mean, the system is really fucked up. When somebody makes billions and billions of dollars or has that much money

and is not contributing in any kind of way, especially if he's not contributing to charities as well on top of it. I agree with you about the charities. I think you're just like a fucking dick at that point. You've got to put into the system. You can't be that wealthy and just step over homeless motherfuckers in the streets. You just can't do that. I agree with you.

You're saying the same thing because you're saying it's a systemic problem. It is a systemic problem. What you're saying I agree with, but you're not saying what I'm saying. What you're saying is that if you made billions of dollars and you don't give to charity, that doesn't speak well about you. You've got to do that, yeah. But what you're not saying is that if you're – I mean, they tell – I'm all about strategy, and if you can pull it off within the system, yeah. If I lose $10 million this year –

Yeah, yeah. Listen, this is the key point. Well, it is also – you can't deny the fact that some accounts will be like like, hey, you made a lot of money and you're going to probably make a lot more next year. It would probably be good to start opening up a new business venture that would probably create a lot of losses for you. But he does that. No, no, they don't do that. When you lose money, you lose money.

There's no benefit to losing money. You may defray your taxes, but you lost that money. That's it, but the thing is that two things. First of all, his businesses, even though he lost money, they're paying payroll taxes. They're paying sales taxes.

All his taxes come. There's a lot of, there's a tremendous amount of revenue that comes from Trump's undertaking, even if he loses money. But more importantly, the government does not share your risk. When people, big entrepreneurs, people start at Amazon or Uber or any of, or you name it, comedy seller.

When they take their millions and they risk that money. Sure. The government does not share their risk. When they lose that money, they lose it all. Yep. All they have is the ability to say, okay, well, I lost $10 million.

So next year, if I only make a million, I'm not going to have to pay income because they're not going to treat the artificial 365 day period as the actual cycle of my earning income. So I'm allowed to consider a bigger period of time to determine how much money I made or didn't make. And if you take that away, entrepreneurial investing is going to slow down enormously. If you tell entrepreneurs, put in your millions, and if you lose it, it's lost, and you can't even write. If you lose it on December 31st, on January 1st, we're going to tax every dollar at 50%

because you lost it the day before in the previous year. Nobody is going to risk their money. And the huge problem we have in this country today is that nobody understands how our system works, how capitalism works, and what kind of playing field you need to get people to take big risks. And part of that is when you have big losses, you get to offset it against your income because you have a right to say, listen, I lost a billion dollars. You can't make me pay on the next 10,000 I made. I just lost a billion in 2015.

2016 is a clean slate. Every dollar I got to pay tax on. Now, if you feel, but I'm still rich and I love this country and I didn't have to pay any taxes, so I want to give. The last charity you're going to give to is the Treasury of the United States, which can print its own money. Absolutely. Give to cancer, give to Israel, give to whatever.

Sure. Whatever your cause may be. Come on, Mo. Give to Israel. And someone who doesn't do that... I was there this summer. I spent a lot of money there. And someone who doesn't do that, I would judge harshly just like you. But the fact that he offset his, this is the most vanilla tax thing in the world, is offsetting your losses.

No, I do have to run around the corner. I think I bored everybody to tears. No, no, no. All right. He just bounced. I mean, I don't know what to say. He has a spot. He has a spot.

I don't know if anyone's told you a spot he has a spot I don't know if everyone's told you this but if you had gray hair you would almost look a little like Mike Pence I don't mean anything

about what you said he's way more masculine looking he's like a G.I. Joe kind of guy but I kind of see something I take that as a

compliment he's a good looking guy he looks like a like a Terminator type guy he was running his VPs. Me too.

I couldn't remember Kane's name. I turned on the TV and was like, who's these two white guys? There has never been a less important vice presidential ticket. They're so generic. Completely. Well, it's important because... They're old.

Yeah, no one really likes the two front guys, so people have to think, well, if something happened to Hillary for health, it was a little weird. At least we got this guy. I like the two front guys. I literally like Hillary and Trump better than either of those vice presidents.

I turned it off. And I'm a junkie for politics. I couldn't watch the vice president. I can't. I'm not really a big junkie into politics myself. I mean, I know a lot about it and try to keep up with it. And I just get turned off for it. Because I think it's just a big circus. I agree with you.

It's a big circus. And it's part of the attraction why people like to tune in because it is one of the most entertaining things you can actually watch, especially this election. It's been utterly captivating. My mom, the cutest thing, you know what, Trump? I like what...

I like, you know... He says it and he doesn't care. That's what Trump says, though. He says that when he talks to Muslims, they always say that they like his ideas. I don't know. Listen, it's a discredit to Trump that we finally have a candidate who's not afraid to just say what he feels and shoot from the hip. And what he's saying is so fucked up, right? It would be wonderful to have a candidate who was, you know, with some class

and some wisdom. Just a little bit. Who was not afraid to say what he thought. 5% class. Yeah. Biden was kind of like that. Vulgar, huh? Biden was kind of like that. He kind of set his mind. Biden was definitely like that. I think Biden would have taken this thing easy.

Oh, he must be kicking himself. Yeah. Oh, did he screw up? Well, it was his son that, when his son passed away, that's why he kind of took off. You think the Clintons killed his son? Oh, yeah, inside job, for sure. He said, I'm thinking about his son. That's like the real scandal.

Did he ever have a son? His son had asked him to run. I mean, it's possible. Listen, I have children. I would not second- the grief because I can't even imagine how I would go on at losing a child. But it seemed to me that his decision was more political than

it was about his son. I wouldn't fault him in either scenario. Too bad, he probably would have walked into it. You're absolutely right, though. He's definitely a shoot from the hip type of guy, too. Joe Biden is definitely like that. And it would have been really interesting to see Biden and Trump go against each other.

Oh, yeah. But I think what you said earlier is interesting. And what might be one of the saddest things if Trump becomes president is that it might show everybody that it really does not fucking matter. No, it might just show everybody that thinks that it makes a difference who is president in terms of what comes to fruition, and it might show that you could put literally a puppet monkey in there, and it doesn't matter. I think Bill Hicks' joke encapsulates everything to me.

You remember this? He did this joke. He goes, who are you going to vote for, puppet on the left or the puppet on the right? It really doesn't matter, guys, who you vote for. Once that person is elected, they take him into a special room and they show him an angle of the JFK assassination that you've never seen before. And then they look at him and go, any questions? And the newly elected president looks back and goes, just what my agenda is.

He was wonderful, huh? He was. He was really wonderful. My hometown, Houston. But that's like an interest. I mean, I think it's one way to look at it that nobody's really talked about that much. No, but I really truly feel that way. Which is that it probably does not matter.

But of course it matters. Checks and balances. It doesn't really matter. I don't know. Well, there are people out there, whether you like it or not, who have health insurance now, who didn't and wouldn't have had it, if not for who the president had been. Yeah, but I don't...

I'm one of those... I don't believe that that was... I mean, Obama had a perfect storm is the reason why Obamacare passed. It could have been someone else in that role. If McCain had been president, I don't think we would have pulled out of Iraq. No, for sure, no.

So whether you think that was a good thing to pull out or not, it doesn't matter. Well, I don't know how much we would have pulled out of Iraq. No, for sure, no. So whether you think that was a good thing to pull out or not, it doesn't matter. Well, I don't know how much we've actually pulled out of Iraq either. I'm not sure that was the best thing. Obama certainly wanted to get out, and McCain certainly wanted to stay, and reality intruded. Alright, goodnight everybody. You want your Twitter

or anything, Mo? Yes, my Twitter is RealMoAmer. R-E-A-L-M-O-A-M-E-R. And my Twitter is ElanYouSoCrazy. That's E-L-O-N-Y-O-U SoCrazy. And what about your show? Where can I get tickets to your show?

They're not available yet. They'll be online. You can find my website, ElanAltman.com. We'll have a link to it. Show starts December 1st, every Thursday night. By the way, you look like a young, smaller Richard Benjamin. I'm sure you've gotten that before. All right, good night, everybody. Good night.