The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Nick Griffin

Episode Date: February 4, 2016

Nick Griffin

Okay, this is Comedy Cellar on Sirius XM 99. Now, you may have guessed Noam is not here, because when I do the introduction, that means one thing and one thing only. That means that Noam Dormant is not here, as he often is not here, for reasons valid and less valid. This week, he's in Vegas. Oh, is he? Yeah, he wants to, or he's thinking about opening up a comedy cellar in Las Vegas. That's something he's been working on for some time now. So he's out there in Vegas.

Whether he really wants to open up a comedy club or he's just looking for a reason to go to Vegas and get away from his wife, we don't know. We do know, however, that he is in Vegas and he's not here with us tonight. I'm here with Chris Montella, who wasn't here last week. I don't know where she was. Where were you? I was in Iceland. No, really? For workella who wasn't here last week. I don't know where she was. Where were you? I was in Iceland. No, really? For work? Yeah. No, for vacation. Oh. Yeah. Well, that's interesting.

By the way, that's the voice of Nick Griffin. Hello, Nick. Good to be here. Thanks for having me on. Nick Griffin. Well, thank you. By the way, Nick, did you play the $1.5 billion lottery jackpot? I've done nothing. No, I didn't. Well, yes, you did play it. I didn't want to. No, I mean, I did not even buy anything.

Well, you did play it because I'll tell you why. Tell me why. You don't even know it, but you played it. Because I was going to give you a million dollars if I won. Yes, I was putting a lot of thought into what I was going to do with that money when I won. And I was going to, among other things, among various artistic projects, vanity projects of all sorts, and hookers. I'm only kidding about the hookers. I was going to start a fund for what I call the comedy fund for the physically and spiritually tired.

I know which one I am, yeah, because I'm fine healthy was. And, no, I feel that Nick, of all the comedians... Oh, jeez, here comes a backhanded compliment. Yeah. Oh, well, never mind, then. No, give it to me. No, I feel that you are a well-deserving funny. You've been at it a long, long time.

You're my age, roughly. Yeah, probably a little bit older. A little bit older. I think I'm a couple years older. Your silver hairs betray you, although you certainly don't look it face-wise. Right. Well. But in any case, you know, I take into consideration I was going to have a fund where people like Bill Gates,

where people write in and write reasons why they need the money, but you wouldn't have to write in. I would give it to you anyway. Yeah, we see each other anyway, so I could probably just tell you. And also, because Nick does the road a lot, he does comedy clubs, which I know that I gave up doing comedy clubs. I do them now and then, but mostly I don't do them anymore. I just can't do them psychologically. How much was I allotted in this fund?

You get nothing. Oh, that's good. Now, why is that? Yeah, why is that? Well, this was a comedian fund, and you're not a comedian. Why does it have to be a comedian fund? Also, you're a married woman.

You have a husband to take care of. All the more reason I should get some money. You're certainly welcome to write in. Okay. And did I mention I did not win? I don't know if I mentioned that. Yeah, you did. You're certainly welcome to write in and request money.

How much did you play? I mean, how much did you... I just had about... I only had four tickets, and I think if you added it all up, I matched one number in four tickets. But I'll get them next time. Next time the jackpot is over a billion, I'll play.

But do you have any... But Nick, I know you're a big road doggy, and I feel for you because I know... I do a lot of road because I have bills. I mean, I have to. It's not because I want to. Well, I've been lucky to get... I'm hoping they open a cellar in Las Vegas.

Well, that'd be good. Because you're going to say like in Iowa, wherever the shitty road gigs are. No, no. Another home away from home would be nice. I'm doing more Corbett's nowadays, one-nighters. I just did one in Albany, for example, on Saturday night. How was it? Well, it went reasonably well.

They told me, because before I do a show, I always ask, you know, they tell you up front, my agency, the Gersh agency, tells me, well, be corporate clean, which I don't know what that means, but that's a term of art that has no exact definition. So I always ask before I go on, I ask the head dude in charge, means, but that's a term of art that has no exact definition. So I always ask before I go on, I ask the head dude in charge, you know, hey, can I be dirty? Can I be clean? PG-13?

And he said, no, no, just say what you want to say. Wow, that's wonderful. And 90% of the time, they tell me to say what I want to say. And 90% of the time, the audience likes it dirty. But I always ask. But, you know, there's always that, like like if they tell me I have to be squeaky clean then it's you know

it's hard for me to do 45 minutes of that level of clean but now when you do a corporate gig are you supposed to do your regular stuff or are you supposed

to tailor it somehow to the audience well good question like you're supposed to do banking jokes sometimes they ask yeah they do

well here's what it is I want to fill the time and I want to kill. Those are my two objectives. I mean, I want to get the check, but the other objectives are to do the time and to kill. And so they enjoy it when you're specific. Like, for example, this was Miracle Ear. You know the hearing aid company? Of course.

So I did a joke about how Miracle Ear, let's face it, it's a good product, but I wouldn't call it a miracle. It would be a miracle if you put it in and I could hear my dead grandfather. Oh, that's nice. Nice. Good work. I wonder if I know anybody that was at that conference why? are you involved in Miracle Ear? no but I work for Ear, Nose and Throat

and we have audiologists and people that deal with hearing aids I guess it's a good product I don't know I don't know that much about hearing aids you had to do a general

a 45 I did a 45 and I did't know that much about hearing aids. You had to do a 45? I did a 45. I did all the shit that I would hesitate to do had they told me to be clean. Because when they tell you to be clean, they usually also mean be politically correct and they mean don't do racial shit and drug shit. Right.

I did pretty much everything. Do you have the contempt for the road that Dan has? Well, no, because I've kind of had to make peace with it. I know I'm going to be out there forever. I mean, I don't enjoy it as much because I do so much of it that it is a little tiring. But no, I don't have as much contempt, I think, as Dan has. Well, you couldn't because if you did, you'd be in one of two places, a real job or a mental hospital. People say, oh, Dan, you choose not to do the road.

I don't choose not to do the road. The road chooses not to do me. I just physically, I mean, I have to Xanax my way through the week. I cannot do it. But the corporate sounds like such more of a personal hell. Like there's so many more limits, I mean, you're not even going into an audience that's really ready for comedy. I was talking to Ryan Hamilton about this,

and Ryan Hamilton says he would rather do, and many people have said they'd rather do a full weekend than do a corporate. Because at a regular club, you can do whatever you want. The audiences are usually quite good, in fact. And they're there for comedy. But you have to be there the whole weekend. Alright, and you're doing four, five, six shows the whole week.

I do a corporate gig. I go in. And get out. The worst that can happen is I bomb, I stink the joint up. I get the check and I leave. Right. I don't want to bomb. I don't want to stink up the joint.

But I'm gone. Yeah. I just get so freaked out because you get such conflicting messages. When you initially book it, it's corporate clean. And then you get there and they say, hey, just do what you want and make sure you make fun of the boss, but don't be too mean. And it puts me on my heels. Like too many parameters.

Yeah, I freak out. I overthink it. And then a lot of times they've looked at a bunch of the TV sets that I've done on Letterman. They said, we saw your stuff on Letterman. And I'm like, well, most of that I don't do anymore. So then I got to go back and look that up and put it into a normal. I know.

So it really makes me crazy. And I always try to discourage them down from 45. Oh, I never thought about discouraging down from 45. But there's an idea. But no, everything you're saying is true. It's just for me, the whole entire weekend at some hotel on the side of Highway 51. You know, oftentimes I put you up at a hotel

that's kind of in the middle of nowhere and you're just kind of there the whole weekend. Don't you have people with you, though? Or no? Well, what people are you referring to? Don't you have like openers or something? Well, the openers are usually somebody at a comedy club, but they're usually somebody local. I see.

Yeah. If, you know, because they hire somebody local because it's cheaper for them to, because they don't have to pay for a hotel room for that person. And no one's going to, for the money they pay an opener, no one's going to come out there and spend money on an airplane. It's so bad. It's like $25 a set. Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding. That is a normal, a normal amount. Well, that's for the MC of the middle. It's like $25 a set. Are you kidding? No, I'm not kidding. That is a normal amount. Well, that's for the MC of the middle. That's what I mean, yeah. But the middle still doesn't usually make enough to justify coming out to a comedy club. So if you're a big headliner, you can sometimes insist on

bringing your own middle and they'll pay for the airfare and the hotel, I guess. Or you'll pay for it at your end if your end is big enough. My end is never big enough to do that. And so the opener is somebody local. And it's two or three days. You've never tried in the past to get a middle that you're friendly with so you can just hang out with somebody?

Well, if possible. But again, if you're doing a club that's far afield, that could be difficult. By the way, just getting back to the lottery, Well, if possible. But again, if you're doing a club that's far afield. Yeah, I understand. You know, that could be difficult. By the way, just getting back to the lottery, did you play? I did play. I had a couple of, like, I was in a couple of pools. And also, my husband was in Michigan for work, so I made him get a ticket there.

Because I feel like that's where people win. Like, you never win in New York. The Upper East Side never is represented. Exactly. So I had to get one in Detroit. But they didn't win either. That ticket didn't win either. You know, it just dawned on me, like, the psychology.

Because I find this interesting, the psychology of the Powerball. Because I actually, in my head, when they're doing the draw, I'm excited. I think I might win. I think I've won every single time I play Lotto. What's weird is if somebody tells me, like, Dan, you want to write a screenplay, I'll just say, I'll never sell that thing. No chance. Incidentally, how's my

voice? You know, I do have a slight cold. I don't know if that's coming across. Not at all. I'm burning up right now. Sounds the normal nasal tone. Well, yeah, I do have that advantage. I always sound like I have a cold. But I decided that the show

was important enough. Do you have health insurance? Yeah, I do. I pay $500 a month. What? I said I pay $500 a month for health insurance. Is that a lot? That's through like the Obamacare or whatever. Does that sound cheap to you? No, that sounds like a lot of money to me. But I don't pay a lot, so I don't know.

Mine's $350. What are you through?. But I don't pay a lot, so I don't know. Mine's $350. What are you through? Oscar. I don't know what that is. Oh, yeah, that's that one. Yeah. Subway? Someone's running it off their basement.

The ads were on the subway. That's how I decided to go with Oscar. And it was animated, so I don't know. For some reason, it seemed pleasant. Does it work? Have you seen Doctors? Yeah, no, it's fine. But animated. So I don't know. For some reason, it seemed pleasant. Does it work? Like, have you used, seen doctors? Yeah, no, it's fine. But it's still a tremendous amount of money to be paying.

Oh, God. I don't. Speaking of health, this has been a bloodbath of a month for celebrities. And I don't know if it's because of social media. You know, like, if people die like this all the time, we just didn't see it before. But, for example, the drummer from Mott the Hoople died. And had Facebook not existed, I probably would never know it. And I would go for years thinking that whoever it is that played drums for Mott the Hoople is still with us.

Now, do you know three Mott the Hoople songs? I don't even know who they are. Well, no, I only know all Bang the Drum? I only know all the young dudes Oh But we also lost, which was written by David Bowie But anyway, their drummer died We also, someone very near and dear to my heart, Celine Dion, her husband

Yeah And her brother died Your brother died Oh, he did die? Yeah, like two days later Wow That poor woman Her brother died two days later. Oh, he did die? Yeah. Like two days later. Wow. That poor woman.

Renee Angelil, and I don't know the brother's name. He was significantly older than her. Am I right? Oh, yeah. You don't know that? No. I just take it for granted that everybody knows. I don't know the story. No.

I take it for granted that everybody knows the history of Celine Dion and Renee Angelil. Yeah. But I guess there are people out there that don't know this great love story. And somewhat creepy at the same time. I don't think it's creepy. Well, Rene Angélil met Celine when he was about 45. You know this, Chris? Yeah, he's not that much.

I mean, he's older, but he's not like 90. It's not like Anna Nicole Smith and that Crypt Keeper. No, it's not like that. I mean, he's older. He was about 45 when she was about 12. Something like that. Oh, that is old. That's not when they started their relationship. You're not letting me finish. No, I'm saying he was really

30 years her senior or whatever. Approximately yes. Okay, I didn't think it was that much. A little bit less. But he was in his 40s. She was about 12. She came into his office with her mother and they gave him a tape. He said, I love it. They started working together as client and manager. Right.

And then when she was about 18, they both realized that their relationship had grown into something deeper, something richer, something fuller, something more meaningful. Well put. And they were together ever since. And their, by all accounts, was a real great partnership and love affair, and although some people think it's somewhat creepy.

But they only married and had children fairly recently. No, well, they married, I think, about 25 years ago. I thought it was like 2000. And they have one 15-year-old boy named Rene Charles and two twins. From what I've ever seen, which is not that much, he seems like a very nice man. I agree with you. I'm a big fan.

Tell me why, and this is not an attack on you, but tell me why you're a big fan. You just like her voice? I like her music. Does she write the songs? No, she doesn't write her songs. I like her music, and just like her voice? I like her music. Does she write the songs? No, she doesn't write her songs. I like her music and I like her.

Whenever I hear her interview, she seems like a very genuine person. Down to earth person. A real down to earth, nice person. And she's French. And she's French speaking. Is she from Quebec? She's from Quebec. She's from Charlemagne, Quebec, which is outside of Montreal.

Anyway, we lost Renee. We lost David Bowie. Of course, we talked about that last week. You weren't here. We had Colin Smith on. Okay. Colin Smith is a musician that no one knows. He's a big fan of Bowie.

And then more recently, another musician, Mr. Glenn Frey. Glenn Frey. Glenn Frey. Of the Eagles. That just passed last night, I believe. Yeah. So many people have different opinions about the Eagles. You hear so many people kind of, I imagine, a little bit younger than Glenn Frey thought the Eagles were kind of dolesville and were bad for music for many, many, many years. Well, I love the Eagles.

I've seen articles. People say the Eagles stink. Yeah. Because they say it's soft rock. Well, it is soft rock. Right. And what if that's soft rock? Then count me in as a soft rock lover.

I want to hear more soft rock. I'll listen to it all day. Desperado, Lion Eyes. I mean, whether you like them or not, you can't deny that those songs are some of the most memorable. I mean, you hear one line, you know the song. They're catchy. You would have to put them, I'm going to say this just for rock and roll, in the top five all-time American rock and roll bands, I would think. Not necessarily rock and roll like you can't really,

Springsteen is on his own, but I mean, in terms of a band, the Eagles have to be in the top five, I would think. I suppose. I haven't analyzed it, but I would assume they probably have more hits anyway. I heard it was like

$175 million or something. I know that that greatest hits alone sold sold 40 million. Which, they had two Greatest Hits. Oh, I think it was the first. The one with the blue one, with that skull thing on the cover, and then the other one. Oh, right.

I had both of them going into college. Both those albums helped me to get through college. You know, it was a lonely time for me, but the Eagles helped somewhat. Of course, they couldn't make up for me, but the Eagles helped somewhat. Of course, they couldn't make up for the complete lack of feminine attention. There must have been some air supply in there, too. In terms of my college years?

Yeah. There was some, sure. Really? I'm not going to deny that. That's like Christopher Cross? I'm not going to look you in the eye and tell you I don't have air supply. I like air supply. As far as Christopher Cross is concerned, I don't have any Christopher Cross.

None. Now, Glenn Frey, here's my point about Glenn Frey and David Bowie. Other than dying in the same month, could these people be any more different? No. You know, you had Bowie, who was Mr. the Starman, the mystical, androgynous creature. And then Frey, who was Fry, who was just your regular American rock and roll. Flannel shirt, jeans, guitar. They caught Bowie in bed

with Mick Jagger. Or at least Angie Bowie says they caught Bowie in bed with Mick Jagger. And everybody believes it. But if you could see, if you saw Fry in bed with Mick Jagger, you know what you'd say to yourself? You'd say, that can't be Fry. What's going on here? That guy looks exactly like Glenn Fry. You know what you say to yourself? You say, that can't be Fry. What's going on here? That guy looks exactly like Glenn Fry.

That's what they say. If I didn't know better, I'd say Fry is in bed with Mick Jagger. I mean, I know it's not, but that's what it looks like. Even if the guitar was at the edge of the bed, you'd still say, and he's also a guitarist. With the red album right down below, yeah.

What if there was a flannel shirt tossed over the side of him? No way, that's Fry. No, Fry... Big pile shirt tossed over the side. No way, that's Fry. No, Fry. Fry? Big pile of money by the bed. Fry. There's no ambiguity about Fry's sexuality.

We can debate Bowie's sexuality from here until the end of time. But Fry, ironically. He was the founding member. I guess he was the original guy. That's what the newspapers say. He's also big friends with Jackson Browne, who wrote, I believe, Take It Easy. I think he

co-wrote Take It Easy. I think he wrote half of it. Which may be my favorite song of the Eagles. Although I like the Jackson Browne version as well. Anyhow, he died of ulcerative colitis or something. Part pneumonia. Well, it was something to do with his intestines, I believe.

I'm not exactly clear on it. It wasn't cancer. Right. There were a lot of cancer deaths of late. Yeah. That is true. I was just talking to someone about that. You know that guy Lemmy?

Yes, I was a Lemmy fan. I never heard of Lemmy until Lemmy died. Right. Well, they weren't gigantic, but they were around forever, and he did nothing but drink and smoke and I'm sure other things. He was a big heavy metal rock and roll guy, so I don't imagine he was jogging in the morning. I've seen a lot of fuck cancer on social media. Have you seen this? I have not. Kristen? I haven't. he was jogging in the morning. I've seen a lot of fuck cancer on the social media.

Have you seen this? I have not. Kristen? I haven't. Oh, never mind. No, just like people have been saying fuck cancer because cancer has taken so many people. So many people.

But if somebody dies, like if Bowie dies at 69, that's not old, but it's not super young either. Can't say he didn't have a good life. And he got to be David Bowie for 69 years. Right. Which is a lot better than being, say, I don't know,

pick a name at a random Dan Natterman for 90 years. Sure. If I had to choose, you could say, well, you could go back and be Bowie.

If you would ask Bowie on his deathbed, well, we can give you 20 more years, but you've got to do cruise ships. So you've got to listen to Bowie, Glenn Frey,

or Celine for the rest of your life. Bowie, Frey, or Celine? Frey. Well, Frey with the Eagles, not just solo Frey. I'm not going to listen to Heat Is On for the next 30 years. On repeat. Kristen, give me one. I'd have to go with the Eagles, too, I think.

Heat Is On. I feel like Celine and Bowie are, they're very situation specific. I don't know that Bowie has enough hits to keep me interested. That I like. I mean, I know like if you're a huge Bowie fan, you know, there are people that are fans of bands that they like every fucking song. I got a friend like that in college with Rush, like every stinking Rush song. You'd be like, oh dude, you gotta listen to this.

No, I mean, I like a few Rush songs, but you're trying to sell me Bruins Bane. I'm not buying. I don't know a lot of Bowie deep cuts, I must admit. So the Bowie, I know the classics. Changes, Young American, Suffrage of City, Space Oddity, and Modern Love, and China Girl, and Heroes. Let's Dance. Let's Dance, which is a good selection. But now you're saying how long I got to listen to these songs?

This is forever. This is your go-to. Forever? I need the Eagles. Only the Eagles had the... I mean, the Beatles have a bigger catalog, but you didn't give me that choice. No, I didn't. You can't put the Beatles in that category.

So the Eagles, I could listen to Desperado, Lion Eyes, Take It Easy, Peaceful Easy Feeling, Hotel California. Then the heat is on because I can get Solo Fry in there. Already gone. Already gone. Take It to the Limit. Oh, that's a good one. Seven Bridges Road.

But anyhow, Glenn Eustachius Fry. I don't know what his middle name is. I don't know that. Glenn Jimenachius Frye. I don't know what his middle name is. I don't know that. Glenn Jimen Bentley Frye. Should I look up his full name? I guess it doesn't matter. No, nobody cares. I was more upset when Bowie died than when Glenn Frye died,

and I'll tell you why. Even though I just said I would take Glenn Frye as my go-to eternal music is because Bowie came at it. Bowie was an 80s guy, and the 80s has a special resonance for me in terms of it just reminds me of better times. You enjoyed the 80s. I enjoyed them more than the 70s, yes.

Well, I should say that at least the first part of the 80s and it got pretty rough toward the end when, you know... 87 to 90 was no... No picnic for you personally? No picnic for me, no. Why? Because of law school? No, no. Why, because of law school? No, no, I was in college at that time. And I think we already discussed that,

but that was a difficult time of my life. As I said, the Eagles were there for me. And Bowie and others. But there was no pussy within 100 miles. I was a big Who fan growing up. I was crazy into The Who. And I was so into them that I would read the back of the album, and I saw somewhere on the back of the solo album of Pete Townsend

that he had a business office. And I would get drunk when I was young, and I would call the business office in London. It was called Eel Pie Studios. Eel Pie Studios. And I would say, is Pete Townsend in? And they would say, no, he's not. And I'd say, well, you tell him Nick Griffin called.

And then I'd hang up, all right. Thank you, you sound great, you feel good? Oh, that's nice, that's nice. I was a little depressed today. Yeah. I told my friend I was depressed. He said, Nick, remember, no matter how bad it gets, there's always someone worse off than you. So now I'm depressed and worried about this other poor guy.

If he dies, I'm screwed. It's my own fault. Don't tell people you're depressed. You put too much pressure on them. This guy also said, you should work out more. You should exercise. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. I hate my life. Now let's extend it. Wow, look at the tight ass on that sad guy. I work out anyway. I do work out. I work out a little. I don't go crazy with it. I try to be in decent shape. I don't need to be in great shape. I'm in my 40s. I don't need to be great. When I have white hair, When I have white hair and six pack abs. I look like I'm from the future.

I don't even know if I'm depressed, you know. I think, you know what I am? I'm an adult. Yeah, I think the base energy goes down, you know. It's hard to get excited about stuff when you're an adult, you know? Credit card debt and heart disease, yippee! I mean, what do you get excited about as an adult? A real adult, 30 and above, not counting kids,

what do you get excited about? Sex, money, booze, dessert. Those are the biggies, sex, money, booze, and dessert. Yeah. And sex and money are complicated. So most of us end up drunk and chubby. That's right. Just beer and cake. Fill the hole!

It's just getting older, you know? You think you're young, you're young, it's nice, you know? You think, oh, it's going to be awesome when I get older. I'm going to meet the right person and have a lot of money and travel. Dessert. It's dessert. You're going to be like me. Walking the grocery store aisles at midnight like it's last call at a singles bar.

Well, who do we have here? Double stuff indeed. Let's go. Shh. It's true. But, you know, the thing is, I think, you have to, you can't compare yourself to other people.

That's another big trap for not feeling good, you know, because you see other people, their lives, and you go, why? LeBron James, why does he get to... Don't think about that, you know. Brad Pitt, think about Brad Pitt, imagine that. Brad Pitt, great looking, rich, famous, Oscar, sleeping with Angelina Jolie.

Holy moly. What did this guy do? Pull a thorn out of God's paw? Are his parents leprechauns? It's ridiculous. I did that joke the other night. Some woman said, you're just jealous. Gee, you think? Yes, of course I'm jealous. What other reaction is there to Brad Pitt? Gratitude?

Hey, good for him. Finally, that guy got a break. Now I can focus on my own problems. Amazing life, though, Brad Pitt. That's got to be, I don't know, one in a billion to have that kind of resume, life, wow. Do you think Brad Pitt prays? No, I'm good.

Is this John Ryman? Hello, John Ryman. Hello, Dan. How are you? Thanks for having me. And a nice cardigan. Thanks. Well, you know... Yeah. Do we know...

No, go ahead. I wasn't going to wear it, but I have a rip in the sleeve of my shirt, so I'm forced to dress a little out of character. I'm usually not this well put together tonight. Well, you know, that reminds me of a time when I had sweat stains and had to wear my leather jacket on stage.

I know. Very similar. You have to be much nicer. That happened just the other night. I would have loved to have seen a Dan Nannerman set in a leather jacket. That would have been nice. Well, you would have seen it had you been here on,

I believe it was Friday night. I would imagine you do your regular set, but I would go, why? It's more edgy tonight. Yeah. I don't know why. There's something more edgy about it. There were more panties thrown at me than usual.

No, I looked on the schedule, you know, because we always do. The way we book this show is we say, well, who can we get? You know, who's on our wish list? And we never get any of those. Yeah. And then I look at the schedule, and I say, well, who's going to be here anyway? And I saw John Reinman,

and I said, well, geez, you know, here's a cat that I don't really know. It might be interesting to get to know him. I think we met back in about 2010, you and I. We went to Morgan Murphy's to watch a basketball game. Yes.

Was it the basketball game game or was it MTV? Both. Aziz was. Dan was not there for the basketball game. Well, I was just there because I had to get out of my house probably. Yeah. But I remember that evening. I remember.

Did it seem obvious? Did you walk away saying that's an odd guy, that Dan Aderman? I do remember I'm feeling in a pissy mood that night. Well, no, because when I watch a Celtics game, I always walk away being like,

well, I just ruined a friendship with somebody, probably. I'm that weird, crazy fan. Okay, well, anyway, so good to see you again. Good to see you again.

You're from L.A. originally? No, I'm from New Hampshire originally. I'm from New Hampshire and started doing out, started out doing comedy in Boston back about 10 plus years ago. And then I moved here to New York about six and a half years ago to start writing for Fallon.

You've been writing for Fallon? He's been on the air for six and a half years? He's been on for seven years now. I came in six months in. And yeah, so I've been there. It just goes so fast. I know. What a joke. I was thinking about that

today. It's crazy. Wow. Well, anyway, and you work at the Comedy Cellar. How long have you been working here for? I've been here since about June, I think. Yeah, that's when I started out. And I was far more nervous for that audition

than I was the interview at Fallon even. It was probably the interview with Fallon, even. Like, it was probably the most nervous. Actually, it was going well, but it was like I actually could feel my knees shaking like two minutes into the set. It's never happened to me before. So it really kind of came out of nowhere, the chance to try out and did it and had a really good time. And it's been really, really cool being here so far. Well, we're glad to have you, I guess.

I don't know. I'm happy to be here. I say we. I don't represent the comedy we're glad to have you. I guess. I don't know. I'm happy to be here. I say we. I don't represent the comedy cellar. How long have you been at the cellar? I just do the radio show. I don't really represent the comedy cellar. Okay. Gotcha.

Do you remember your first time at the cellar? And also, I'm half out of my head right now. I got a cold. And I'm like, you know. But whatever. I forge on. He's a little broken up about Glenn Frey still. Yeah.

Oh, you are? I'm not broken up. But, you know, it's sad. It is sad, yeah. How long have you been here? I've been coming here 20 years. But when I started coming here, it was like a late night thing. Right, yeah. And then they canceled that, and then I got in here normally.

But where are you from, New Hampshire? It seems like all these comics from, like, Adam Sandler and Sarah Silver where are you from? New Hampshire? It seems like, what are all these comics from? Like, Adam Sandler and Sarah Silverman are also from New Hampshire. Yeah, those guys are from, like, Manchester, that area. I'm from the ocean, like the seacoast part, New Hampshire, which sounds fancy, but it's not. It's really just we couldn't quite make it into Massachusetts. Like, it's that kind of place. Like, if you drive into New Hampshire, the seacoast, you know right away.

It's nothing but firework stores and a nuclear power plant. That's what it is. We literally have a nuclear power plant. So you're from a shitty town? I'm from, it's an interesting area. It's nice, but if you go, like, you know, eight steps in the wrong direction, all of a sudden, you know, you're at a Trump rally. That's pretty much, it's that kind of place. It's like Florida North in a way.

It really is. So you're a real New Hampshireite. I'm a real New Hampshireite. In other words, I don't consider Sarah Silverman and Adam Sandler real New Hampshire people.

Yeah, because New York, that was Adam's ties, I think. And then even Seth, I think, was from like, lived in Michigan, I think,

for a while. Since I was about three, I lived in Massachusetts for three years and then New Hampshire all the way. And then it's funny, when you move to New York,

you gradually go, because we had a pool, so we thought we were fancy, but it's a pool, like an above-ground pool with a deck built around it, that kind of fancy pool. Like, oh, look what we did, and we were the coolest things in town. And then being in New York, I think I was here about a year or two,

and I was like, oh, I'm one of those. Take one trip out to New Hampton. Like, oh, I'm living in a trailer. But you out to New Hampshire. Like, I'm living in a trailer. But you're a big success. They probably talk about you back in that town and say, well, you know, John is riding there

in New York City for that dear Fallon fellow. Yeah, that's exactly what they say. How does one come to write for Fallon? What's your... Well, I started out

when I was... I went to college in Boston and... Emerson? Yes. Yeah, that's like... For some reason, Emerson seems to be That's like Emerson for some reason. That's its golden ticket.

It's a pipeline. Yeah, and you didn't have to do math. So right away I was like, boom, that's it. So I went there and we had a family friend who knew Jay Leno. I grew up with him in Andover. And when I got out of college, I kind of just said, hey, I think I'm serious about this comedy thing, writing some jokes. And so he put in a word with Jay, sent him a resume.

And I thought I was just going to get like a form letter back, like, you know, if we get anything. And well, two days later, the phone rings at my parents' house where I'm living. And my dad says, it's Jay Leno on the phone. And so I'm like, what? And I'm thinking it's just a joke. And I get on it. I'm like, hello.

He's like, hey, is this John? I'm like, hey, this is Jay Leno. I got your letter from my friend Barry. So we talked. And he let me start sending him jokes, and I did that for a couple years. And then when he was wrapping up The Tonight Show the first time around, I didn't really have anything to do, and so I reached out to Wayne Fetterman, who's a really cool guy.

Nice guy. I just said, hey, can I send you some jokes for Jimmy? So I did it for about a month and a half as a freelancer. We don't have that anymore, but that was like a program when the show was first starting, just to see if they could get anybody from the outside. And a month and a half in, I got hired. Now, but Fetterman is gone now. Yeah, Fetterman's been gone for a while.

I mean, Fetterman's the guy that got you in, and now he's out. Yeah. So I'm not going to go there. No, we still love Wayne. He was just on a couple months ago doing stand-ups. Did you submit, by the way, Nick, to be a writer at the Fallon show? I don't know. I don't think so.

I know I did some of the other shows, but I don't think I did Fallon. I used to submit to these shows. I kind of, you know. I submitted to about three of them last year. And how does it, just for people listening, how does the submission process work? Or, like, do they give you topics? Like, even for you guys, how do you find out about, you know? people listening how does the submission process work or like do they give you topics like even

for you guys who just how do you find out about you know well i had a manager and they said hey they're looking for writers and you need 20 monologue jokes and three desk pieces and and then something you can do out of the studio or something oftentimes yeah for us i think it's uh it depends we have sketch and we have monologue, and I'm on the monologue side. Monologue seems like an easy, cool gig to do. It's steady. Yeah, it's steady.

It's very demanding. It's a lot of pressure every day. I mean, I think my first two or three years of that job, if I didn't score that day, if I, you know, which, by the way, is hard. Like, it's a lot like baseball in a sense that you can come in with really good stuff, really funny jokes, but there's other people who are also writing really funny jokes. There's going to be stories that Jimmy wants to hit, some that he doesn't.

And Fallon makes the final cut. He looks at it and says, It's also got to be in Jimmy's voice, and it's got to be something that he thinks is funny. Right. And so sometimes you can write the funniest joke of your life, but if it's a story that he's like, I don't care about this, it won't get on.

And then at the same time, you could write what you think is the dumbest joke, and it could just tickle him a certain way that he's like, oh, this is great. And so you never know. I'm trying to prepare

a new five minutes for television. I haven't been on a late night talk show in a while. The last one I did, I mean, I did America's Got Talent, but that wasn't a talk show. But the last one I did Letterman, I think, two years ago.

Yeah. So I'm just, I have enough. If I want to do Conan, I have enough. Because Conan, you can say anything. I can talk about my uncle,

fuck him in the ass. I mean, not in those words. Right. But Conan, you know, he's a masturbating bear and you got the insult, comic dog getting a blowjob

from a Bichon Frise. I mean, anything goes on Conan. Right. So I could probably do Conan with the material I have now, but I would rather do Fallon because I believe Fallon has a bigger audience, I assume. Yeah, it's more people. I think Conan has more stand-ups on,

so they have that program. Conan's a good guy. A lot of people, they'll look at the surface and they'll be like, Conan's cable you know, it's cable, whatever. It's like, yeah, but they have a really good job as far as YouTube and social media. And so they've built a good stand-up program. So either one's a really good win. Here's my thing, John.

I've done Conan. Not on TBS, but I've done Conan on NBC as well as when he had his Tonight Show. And I can tell you from experience that it did nothing for me. So I know that Conan has done nothing for me. I suspect that Fallon will do nothing for me either. But I don't know that for sure. And so therefore, I'd rather at least take that chance. I think it's just that it's changed so much.

Because now it's like you've got Last Comic standing. You have Comedy Central's got so much. Everyone has podcasts. It's big. And it's like I did Fallon. I did the. It's big. And it's like, I did Fallon. I did the Tonight Show in August. And it went really, really well. And the first thing, Chris Murphy.

I think you know Chris. The red-headed dude? Yeah. Yeah, I know Chris. He's a really cool guy. And he came to the taping. Nice guy. The first thing he said to me, just as a comedian would, was like, that was great.

He was like, you know, 20 years ago, you'd have a sitcom out of that. And now, maybe you'll get some more club spots. Right. But you know what? more club spots. It's true. But it's good to do it. But Nate Bargatze, he fell in love with and did give a sitcom deal, too. I don't believe the sitcom went anywhere. That's the thing, is that that's tough, too.

But give me the deal, I'm saying. Now, Conan has already made it quite clear that he's not giving me anything. Well, have you asked him? Oh, but he would ask. In other words, you know, he's seen me. I've been on that show five or six times. He didn't fall in love. He likes what I do. He didn't fall in love.

Well, he had you on five or six times. Maybe he's waiting for you to make the move. Maybe he's sitting somewhere on a podcast right now being like, that's Dan Aderman. I don't understand. Does he produce sitcoms? He may not produce it, but Fallon... He never asked me for a sitcom. Fallon is younger and hungrier. Maybe Fallon's looking to do sitcoms? He may not produce it, but Fallon... He never asked me for a sitcom. Fallon is younger and hungrier.

Maybe Fallon's looking to do sitcoms. He might be, yeah. Now, my guess is Fallon won't like me. That's not true. He loves Santa. He'll like me,

but he won't love me. You know, like, like, Bargatze is Fallon. They're both kind of small-town guys. You know, I'm this New York-y... Well, I thought Fallon

was a New Yorker. Well, he's from upstate, though. Oh, he's from upstate. His family's from New York. But, I mean, I think that it's interesting New Yorker. Well, he's from upstate, though. Oh, he's from upstate. His family's from New York. But I mean, I think that it's interesting with our show in that, you know. If Gilbert Godfrey had a show. Or somebody like, I'm saying. Chewie?

Chewie, I guess that's the word I was looking for. I mean, get to the point. It's interesting because on our show, there's always so much in that last, that third act. There's so much competition for what can go there. You could have a band that usually wins out. You can have a chef. You know, he's friends with Mario and all those guys. And, you know, you could have, like, the tech guys always come on.

So you have, like, most shows, it's like, oh, it's the last act. We'll put a band or a comedian. But it's such a big variety show now that it's so much competition. So there's not as many stand-up spots. A little bit about me. I'm a married person. That's the first thing. Coming up on my fourth wedding anniversary, actually. It's coming up. Thank you.

And, um... I got married in my 20s, though. Okay? So there was a lot I didn't know. A lot of stuff. Like, for instance, did you know, as a guy, when you buy an engagement ring for your girlfriend, it's supposed to cost you the equivalent of three months' salary.

Do you know that? It's supposed to cost you three months of what you make at work to buy one ring. So I quit my job. And, uh... Whoo! Problem solved. We're four years in, and we decided we want to have kids.

That's right, we're trying for children, because I finally reached a point where I realized the only way I'm ever going to make new friends is to literally make new friends. That's really my only hope. You got to do what you got to do. People give you a lot of advice if you're trying to have kids, too.

Like, the one thing I keep hearing from people is, hey, you know what's good practice for having a kid? Getting a pet. That's what they say. Having a pet is good practice for having a child. Yeah, that's totally the same thing, right? Because you're gonna have to bail that rabbit out of jail when it's 16 years old.

You're gonna have to send that hamster to college three times until it finds itself. when it's 16 years old. You're gonna have to send that hamster to college three times until it finds itself. Like, yeah, he thought he wanted to run on the wheel, and then he switched to philosophy. Now he's back home working at Best Buy. Hamsters, what are you gonna do? Mixed bag.

Here's how bad it is. I went to someone's apartment recently, right? And they had a cat there that I'd never seen before. And I say, is that a new cat? And they go, yeah, he's adopted. To which I said, oh, you mean you didn't have that cat yourself? Yeah, guess what, idiot? They're all adopted, all right? All the cats are adopted. That's how it always works. You didn't have that cat yourself? Yeah, guess what, idiot? They're all adopted, all right? All the cats are adopted.

That's how it always works with cats and people. I wanted to be a real jerk and be like, oh, was it an open or closed adoption? Is the mom cat still in the picture? She come by on the weekends, visit them on the holidays? Is she defensive about it? Is she like, look, I had a lot going on back then, all right? I was messed up on nip. I was hopped up on doorbells. I was in no condition to be a mother.

But now I'm three years sober. I'm taking some classes from DeVry. I got eight more lives. I'm gonna make every. I'm taking some classes from DeVry. I got eight more lives. I'm going to make every single one of them count. I haven't chased a laser in two weeks. Did you play the lottery? I did.

Well, that just shows you how much you love your job, right? Well, everyone does. A man that loves his job that much wouldn't even think about playing the lottery. Let me tell you something. You want out. Let me tell you something. I went out. Let me tell you something. I went in there, and I was buying the ticket, and I was buying it at the same time a bunch of day laborers were, and I felt terrible. And I was actually, this will sound like I'm full of crap, but I was so happy I didn't win.

I said to my wife, I was like, I don't think we do this. She's like, I had the same thing happen. I was like, no, I don't think we, I think we're good. You know, I think we're fine. Just, you know, keep working. You know, I think we're fine. Just, you know, keep working. You know, it would be weird

if a comedian won the Powerball, It would be tremendous. Would they do? Because here's what, If Dan were said comedian. Here's what would happen. Not only would you win

a cool two, three, four hundred million depending on how many people won. Right. You would be instantly famous. The idea of a comedian

winning Powerball would be so absurd. You're a funny millionaire. You would be instantly, and people would of a comedian winning Powerball would be so absurd. You're a funny millionaire. You would be instantly. That's true. Who is this guy? Now all of a sudden all your YouTube videos are getting millions of hits. That's true.

You're probably being invited on talk shows. Not to do comedy necessarily, but just to talk about winning the Powerball. Yeah. And all of a sudden you would be probably a big shot comedian. A famous comedian. You'd have to rewrite your whole act, though, because so much of my act is about not succeeding. Yes, that is true.

You can keep that money now. You're never going to buy a yacht, and the guy gives you a funny look. Right, exactly. Yes, that's true, but if I'm thinking about my act right now, what jokes would have to go, some would have to go, I suppose.

But I think you could manage. Yeah, you could figure it out. You know, any joke that implies that I don't get laid would probably have to go because I think if you have that kind of money,

nobody would believe you don't get laid. Right. But most of my jokes could stay and some of them would have to go and it's assuming

I'm even going to get on stage again. Sure. Would you? Would you keep doing it? I would come here to the Comedy Cellar. Got it.

And continue to do this. What I would not do is step foot outside this city and do comedy in other places unless I go to other places for vacation, but I wouldn't do comedy in other places. You could be like an activist, though. You could find a cause. You could do fundraisers. You could get politically involved. I think I would have an absolute ball, though.

Really? How would your life change? I would give money away to you, among others. Yes. And I made that point. Ryman gets nothing. I get nothing, too. And Kristen gets nothing.

I've made that clear. But you can certainly ask, and maybe I'll consider it. Which is upsetting, because I would give Dan money if I won the lotto. I'd probably give Dan money. I'd probably be one of those idiots who gives away all the money. I can write in. I'll get my proposal together.

I would probably make a movie for a few million dollars. Just one movie. I don't want to blow all my money on stupid shit, but I'd make one movie of a script that I really like that I wrote. And, you know, if it worked, it worked. If it didn't, it didn't. And I think I would go on talk shows as the comedian that won the lottery.

I'd come here and do comedy. I'd probably go to France and indulge that, you know, because John maybe doesn't know, but I've been studying French now for many years and I've done comedy in French. Oh, wow. It's huge, right? And you haven't done France yet, though. I've been to France and I've done comedy in French. Oh, wow. It's huge, right? And you haven't done France yet, though.

I've been to France and I've done comedy. You can Google my name and the word Montreal and you'll see I said I did Montreal in French at the comedy festival in July, I guess it was. I would probably do that more. That's great. Yeah, you know,

now, of course, I don't know how I'd react. It might be, people say that it can ruin your life sudden wealth like that but well I think the one thing about being a comedian is you know

people will be coming out of the woodwork like everyone always says well you know if you're a comedian that's without a doubt but we have many friends that are comedians

that got sudden wealth from comedy right or sudden or not so sudden wealth from comedy and yeah that's part of the game. I mean, we know a lot of people that are very well...

Look, Ray Romano, I mean, is worth more than those stupid lottery winners are worth. And I don't know. I mean, I guess people come out of the woodwork for him, but he seems to be living with it.

Yeah. He's not okay. You know, I mean, people... No, but I think it's different when you come into money because of personal success. But if you just win money because of personal success. But if you just win money, people feel like they have a much more willing to ask you.

Like Ray, too. But his story, though, is such a cool story. The fact that he had a wife and a family and a day job and was thinking of getting out, then made the money. So you're like, okay. I don't know. If you were to just win it. You could take the annuity, which means you get paid every year $20 million.

That's a lot of money, obviously, or whatever the number is. But at least you could tell your relatives that I only got $20 million. It's somewhat of a protection. Oh, you're talking about $20 million total? No, no. You can get a yearly payment. You can get the yearly payment. Or you can take it all at once.

Okay? Most people take it all at once. But if you take it all at once, A, you might blow it because you're an idiot, which you probably are because most people aren't good with money, especially people that play the lottery. Or you can get every year, say, $25 million, whatever, for like 30 years, which at least that way you can't give it all away. You know, you can't blow it like that.

So you take the annuity. Might be better for that reason. Gotcha. But you also can't buy a Gulfstream with $20 million. You need the whole... If you want certain things that you want to buy, you need the whole wad. Now, I don't necessarily want a Gulfstream.

I would charter on occasion. I would have to look it up. I don't know. I imagine that's a plane. Well, yeah, Gulfstream is an aircraft company. They make several planes. Dan is also a pilot, by the way, just to let you know how accomplished he is. Are you really?

Yeah. I have a pilot's license. Oh, my dad's a pilot. I haven't used it. Is it a commercial pilot? He was. He flew for Delta. Oh, he was a captain? Captain Reimann? Now that's a captain name. Captain Reimann. Yeah, that's a good name. You're just figuring out my voice now. People are like,

oh yeah, I can tell because I sound like my dad, so I totally have that captain voice. I got no fears. No fears whatsoever. What if you hear Reisenberg? That sounds fine too. What are you trying to say? Look, Sullenberger,

you know. Yeah, look what happened. That's true. No one ever points that out. Look what happened. They're like, oh, look what he did after. He has kind of a Lassie hero thing where it's like, I mean, he did an amazing thing. Yeah, but a pretty big disaster preceded it, though. Exactly.

Well, I suppose. I don't know. I like him. I like Sully. He seems like a nice guy. I didn't know your father is a Delta. That's interesting. Yeah.

Retired. And then became a bus driver, school bus driver. Did he really? Yeah. He got bored being retired. When he's on the bus, does he do the whole shtick? That's what I said to him before. We're out of school now.

Yeah. If you look out your window, you'll see a mailbox. All the kids' bags end up at the wrong school when they get there. I have a whole thing out of it. Yeah, I guess you must. I thought I was going to add something new to the studio. No, you got it. But it seemed like an obvious one, and obviously you went there anyway. That's what I am, man.

I'm a monologue writer. I go for the obvious. Well, sometimes the obvious will, the obvious is, it'll get you through, you know, in tough times. I do want to talk about, we don't have a, I do hesitate to bring up issues that involve the African American community

without a representative of said community among us. But I do want to, if we can find somebody. Well, I'll keep an eye out. William Stevenson's around here somewhere. Right there. William. He's going to be so angry. Should I give him a step in? Huh? Well, I'll keep an eye out. William Stevenson's around here somewhere. Right there. William.

He's going to be so angry. Should I give him a step in? Huh? We have an extra microphone. I don't know if you want to ask. I want to talk about the Oscar controversy. I don't think William wants to talk about it. Probably not.

We'll wait for someone. Because for the second year in a row, apparently there's no major nominees that are African American or African English or African anything else. Or any other ethnicity. Black people. Can we just say black people for God's sake? But it's not even just black people.

There's no Hispanic people. Yeah, but Hispanic people aren't complaining about it, as far as I know. And the Asian people never complain. God bless them. Mostly because their Q rating is higher. For two reasons they don't complain. Number one is they're quiet people

that don't complain to begin with. Number two is they have contempt for show business. They realize it's, you know, they're busy trying to get it into real jobs. And they consider show business frivolous. You know, you try to tell your Asian parent you're going into show business, you'll see what they say.

They're not going to be happy. You have to do like Ken Jeong did or whatever and be a doctor first and then go into show business. But anyway, apparently, so Spike Lee says that they should boycott and Will Smith's wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, is all agitated about it. Yeah, it did seem odd to me that Will Smith and Michael B. Jordan to me, that was two that I would have, without even thinking of this controversy,

I would have been like, oh, these guys, you know, they would have been in my pool. So I was pretty surprised. I was surprised that Idris Elba wasn't nominated for Beasts of No Nation. Anytime, even if he's not in something, he should always be nominated. He's as good as anybody. Well, I'll tell you, Noam is not here today, but he did post this on Facebook,

and I don't think it would be appropriate of me to read it. He loves to rant on Facebook. With regard to the current Oscar controversy, there is a basic concept in statistics that you need to consider sample size. If a coin comes out head three times in a row, it doesn't mean the odds are not still 50-50. I don't think a snapshot of one or two years is enough to base any strong opinion on. Maybe enough to keep an eye on but not draw a conclusion.

Pacino didn't win an Oscar for any Godfather, Serpico, Dog Day, etc., and nobody suspected anything unseemly. He was at least as deserving as anyone passed over this year. Hollywood has been far ahead of the country in racial matters, giving an Oscar to a black woman in 1939. Numerous black actors have won in recent years. I say we should all keep calm unless you want people just to vote for the black guy because they feel pressured. And what about Asians and Hispanics who are also

quite a large population? So that, from Noam Dorman. I was thinking of that too, that, like, so if you're a black actor and you get nominated next year, then there's that. And you're like, oh, is this because... And that's the thing that like so if you're if you're a black actor and you get nominated next year, then there's that. And you're like, oh, yeah, because that's the thing. And even if you're the best, which I'm sure they would be and, you know, like totally deserving. And I don't I don't think if you look at the Oscar nominations, there's no one in those categories that you say that person should not be there.

In my opinion, I don't think there's anybody that kind of... And so when you compare it to the Golden Globes, like the Hollywood Fine Press, they tend to pick kind of a little more variety, I guess. Maybe this is a conspiracy by the white man to distract attention from the real issues facing the black community. Certainly possible.

We have blacks underrepresented in Silicon Valley, Wall Street, oil and gas. TV. The baked goods industry where the brothers at Entenmann's. The baked goods industry.

Finally, somebody's talking about this. And to be focused on show business, which really is a very small segment of the economy, I think there's a lot of bigger fish to fry.

Yeah, I agree. Out of time, I would like to congratulate me for doing, I think, a very good job without Noam. Very good job. That was great. I think we tend to do a good job where Noam's not here. Well, I think Noam adds a lot because Noam, it's always fun busting his balls. And furthermore, Noam tries to make this into like Bill Maher's show or Daily Show.

He loves politics. Right. And if he were here today, we would have discussed the Democratic invention. Oh, I wish he was here. Not just tangentially, but he would have discussed it in such a deep way that you really have to know your shit politically, which I don't. You know, I mean, which I don't. It's fine, but I say to Noam, I say, you know what? Bill Maher, that job is taken by Bill Maher.

So let's do what it is we do, which is kind of a snapshot of the comedy seller world. So we add that constant feud, and that I think in and of itself is interesting. Yeah, exactly. Agreed. I felt today's show was good stuff and I would like Mr. Nick Griffin, if you have anything to plug, certainly do so at this time. Oh, I don't have anything to plug.

I don't know. The Nick Griffin on Twitter is about it. At the Nick Griffin. John Reitman, you can see his work anytime you, if you're howling at a monologue joke, it's probably not Reitman's joke. But if you say to yourself, oh, indeed, clever. That's a Reitman joke right there.

But seriously, folks, he's one of the best. And I don't really know your work, to be honest with you, that well. I have to come down and see you perform. Well, yeah. Well, I'm a fan of your work. Oh, thank you. All right. Well, yeah. Well, I'm a fan of your work. Oh, thank you. All right.

Well, that's awkward, isn't it? And we'll see you next time. Thank you for listening to The Comedy Cellar Show on Raw Dog. See you next time. Thank you so much. Thank you.