The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Noel Casler, Tom Thakkar and Pete Lee

Episode Date: February 8, 2019

Noel Casler, Tom Thakkar and Pete Lee

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to the Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're here at the back table, the famous back table of the Comedy Cellar with my good friend, Mr. Dan Natterman. Hello. We have as our guest today, Mr. Tom Thakkar. Yes, that's me. Is that how you pronounce it?

It's Thakkar, but it doesn't matter. It's technically Thakker. Wait, the H is silent? The H is silent, yeah. Why would you burden yourself with that? I screwed up, I don't know. Drop the H. Why doesn't it matter?

I feel like it matters. It's fine. It's fine. I don't know. Drop the H. Why doesn't it matter? I feel like it matters. It's fine. It's fine. I should have dropped it. I already changed my name. So it's like my name was Tom Brady, and then I took my father's name. So it's like it's a whole pain in the ass. It's a pain in the ass.

So, yeah, I just didn't drop the H at the time. Now I feel like it's too late. So blood is stuck harder than water? Anyway, so, yeah, well, I would, I know what you mean by saying it doesn't matter because no one can say my name properly. I'm just like, whatever. Tom Takar is a New York City-based stand-up comedian.

He may be seen before America. The Comedy Cellar is an upcoming special for the Comedy Central and hosts the podcast Stand By Your Band. That's right. Nailed it. Well, everybody got a podcast nowadays. Where's Pete Lee? He's not here.

He's not here yet. He'll be coming. And Noel Kassler is a New York City-based and a comedian. A clip of recent set went viral on peoplemagazine.com. He discussed working on Celebrity Apprentice. Yes, sir.

Now, this man has balls because he can get sued or something, get in trouble for what he said. Absolutely. Now, I watched this this thing I've done that for last 20 years. I work in TV production in the talent departments take care of all the performers I did six seasons of the celebrity apprentice finale He's a speed freak

He crushes up his Adderall and he sniffs it because he can't read so he gets really nervous when he has to read cue cards I'm not kidding. This is true. I had a 24 page NDA non-disclosure agreement. I didn't know that he was becoming president now It's no way dumbass. I'm telling you everything I know So he gets nervous and he crushes up these pills That's why he's sniffing when you see him in debates and when you see him reading. That's why he's tweeting You know, he's like he's out of Trump at the Celebrity Apprentice, and he says the following, that Trump is an amphetamine addict. Well, addict, I don't know if he used the word addict,

but he takes amphetamines regularly and that for the Miss Universe contest, he would put his fingers in the mouths to check the teeth of these young ladies. What? Like they're horses? That's correct. Or slaves, God forbid. He would check their teeth. He would line them up on the side of the stage like they were pieces of meat.

Wow. We do have to say that although Noel seems like an honest person, we do have to mention that this is uncorroborated assertion. Allegedly. But there's recording. We don't have to mention that. But there's recording of it, right? Is that what the thing is? There's a recording of Noel saying it.

Exactly. Tom, pay attention. We're going to drop you right now. I'm sharing experiences from my life for the pleasure of audiences and comedy clubs. I'm not trying to make the case in front of, you know. I'm just saying, I know it does sound credible. We don't necessarily know the veracity. Absolutely.

Okay, well, listen, let's take it step by step. So tell us, what was your position on Celebrity Apprentice? I was a talent coordinator. You were a talent coordinator. Starting in what year? The first year they did it, which was probably 2007 at Radio City Music, or at Rockefeller Center. And that was the year that who won?

That was the year that it was between Omarosa and the guy Piers Morgan. Omarosa, oh, she came back as a celebrity after being... Exactly. She was on the regular. I didn't do any of the regular ones. Now, interestingly, Piers Morgan is very pro-Trump these days. I believe so.

Yeah, yeah. Why not in your head? No. I'm just listening. He's written a lot of pro-Trump... I don't know if it's pro-Trump, not pro-Trump's policies necessarily, but it seems to be pro-Trump the man.

Anyway, so now tell us, what's the first time exactly that you saw Trump crushing Adderall? You explain what it was. Well, you know, I talk about this stuff. I have to be kind of careful. I'm doing this stuff for comedy. All right, right on.

The first time, I'll tell you about the first time I ever heard about it, I did a VMAs with Trump in probably 98, 99 at Radio City Music Hall, MTV Music Awards. This is before Adderall was kind of ubiquitous like this. Oh, yeah. Trump used to do blow in the back of limos with the models at VH1 shows in 2000. We couldn't get the limo to pull out of the lane because he'd be in the back with the models doing lines. It's common knowledge. He's been addicted to speed since the 80s.

He was addicted to diet pills in the 80s, meth, cocaine. He never met a stimulant he didn't like, allegedly. We didn't elect him for his health habits. We elected him to build that wall there. Exactly. So go ahead. So finish the story. First time I heard about it was a cop who was assigned to his duty, you know, a private bodyguard who would come out to clubs here downtown with him. And Trump walked by me. This is at the red carpet at the VMAs. And I grew up in New York. So Trump was always this fun kind of character

you'd see and laugh at. And that's why I did the show. I took the gig, just, I watched The Apprentice. So he's mid fifties at this time, mid fifties Trump. Probably. Yeah. Okay. And I took the gig just cause I laughed at the show. I was a fan of the show, you know what I mean? And when I do the comedy, I'm not trying to like take down anybody politically. I'm just talking about my life. I've worked with millions of other people, too. It just happened to be he's kind of the flavor of the moment, and I thought that was an interesting thing to talk about. Sure is.

But, yeah, I didn't imagine it was going to go viral. I did it for 50 people in the basement of Gotham. How many hits did it get? It got two million hits in about two days. Is there a specific definition of viral? Can you not get him off the tell me, he's telling us the story.

You want to know if your video is viral? It went viral overnight. You're like, my tweet got 50 faves. Is that viral? You need some Adderall. Get some diet pills. Well, because I think it's interesting. Yes, but he's about to... And we'll get

to it, but I just was wondering whether viral had any specific definition. I guess that's what it is. You know, I wasn't hip on this stuff either. I didn't even have a Twitter page. And a buddy of mine who's in a big comedy duo in Canada called the Trailer Park Boys saw a set I did in early December. And he was like, hey, this is really funny. You want me to tweet it out? And I was like, sure.

And I set up a Twitter page. See, I'm 48. I'm not down on this stuff. Wait, so finish the story. No, no. I want to discuss what viral means. There you go. I'll tell you what it means.

No one doesn't see that as interesting. I do. And I would add further that I have a pretty good handle on what is interesting. And now we will continue with the discussion of... By the way, this is a good time to write in. Podcast at ComedySolar.com. We love getting

email. You be the judge. Am I at the viral story or the Trump story? Oh, whatever you think is more interesting. The viral was an interesting experience because I was new to this whole thing. I set up a Twitter page. I woke up in the morning. You know, my buddy tweeted out, I woke up in the morning blown up. You know what I mean? I had zero followers when I went to sleep. I had 16,500 the next morning. Everybody was retweeting it, Judd Apto, all

these people in Hollywood. And then my phone started ringing. Because when I set the page up, I put my cell phone on there. So it's ringing off the hook. CNN, Time, everybody, New York Times. I've said before, I'm not trying to make the case. That's not my job. I didn't go on CNN talking about this stuff. I only talk about this stuff on a comedy podcast or a comedy stage, right? But reporters were literally breaking into my building. I live on the Upper East Side and knocking on my door.

Freaked out my old lady. Literally. Well, what do you know? It became, as I suspected, a pretty interesting anecdote. And something worth discussing. What do you know about that? We had to go hide up in Westchester. I have a place in northern Westchester.

We had to go hide out for a few days. North Salem. I live in Arsley. Let me tell you an interesting story about Arsley. I'm kidding. I didn't come back into town until the comedy seller came to a show downstairs after a few days. Did you know who went to Arsley. I'm kidding. I didn't come back into town until the comedy seller came to a show downstairs after a few days. Who's your train commute like? Did you know who went to Arsley schools?

Who's that? Mark Zuckerberg. See, there it is. Interesting. And who else? The guy who played, the smaller guy that played the lead in Animal House, Pete Riegert. Anyway, so what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Trump being a drug addict. So Trump's a speed freak. He's a speed freak. He would have... So the first time you had the VMA Awards.

Yep. And he just walked past me, and I was with a cop. And the cop was like, oh, you never seen him before? And I said, no. He said, I was on his private detail. We'd be out in clubs all night long. He's hanging out with the models. He's doing blow.

I'm like, him? He's like, yep, totally, man. Dude's a poonhound from the first degree. Well, that we knew. Okay, now stop right there for a second. So, well, then, no. So I knew to look for it. Continue up to the Adderall. So I knew to look for it. now stop right there for a second. So, well then, no. So I knew to look for it. Continue up to the Adderall.

So I knew to look for it. I'm going to have a question. I'd already been heard about this. I'd done the fashion shows in 2000 where he wouldn't get out of the lane. So then we start doing the tapings. The first season we did one at the SNL studios. That's where we shot. The boardroom was in 8H right there where they film SNL.

So I saw. That's probably where I can get in trouble. This is where I became aware of his proclivity towards stimulants when he's forced with reading something off of a page,

like a cue card. He gets very nervous if any word has more than three syllables. And he'll be like, I can't read that fucking word. Get that off of there. And he storms off a set.

You saw this? Yes. Goes into the bathroom, comes back out, little white chunks fly out of his nose, makeup runs over. Oh my God. Common knowledge. He's probably dys his nose, makeup runs over. Oh, my gosh.

Common knowledge. He's probably dyslexic, I would imagine. He's definitely dyslexic. That's why the smocking and shocking, anything with a CK freaks out his brain. If you look at his Twitter. Oh, don't say CK on this show. I feel like it's going to go off the rails. No pun intended.

I love Louie. Okay, so let me play devil's advocate here for a second. I have a few questions. First of all, do you regard the fact that he was doing blow with models in the 90s as a knock on him in some way? Nope. And I don't even regard it even now. You know what I mean? That's someone's personal business.

As I said, I wasn't saying this stuff because I'm trying to take him down. People can make their own choices. No, I'm asking you. Would you be surprised to to take him down. People can make their own choices. No, but I'm asking you. Would you be surprised to find out that Barack Obama did coke in college or something? No, of course not. I'm sure he did. I wrote managed rock bands. You know what I mean?

Right. Coke is fine. I've been around plenty of coke. I put plenty of stuff up my nose. I feel it a personal thing. I'm not saying that even as a character defect. I'm saying this is why he's tweeting it four in the morning in case you're wondering. Let's get to the reading thing because this always

sticks in my craw. Now, of course, I can't... If you saw it, you saw it, but the man went to an Ivy League school. Wharton. Last night he did the State of the Union address and I paid close attention. He did well. And he read off the thing.

Now, you can't learn to read in your 70s. So, now, but it is, it can be, I've seen good readers not read cue cards well. And one thing I noticed yesterday with Trump was that he doesn't wear glasses. And when you, and a man of advanced age, like, maybe it's hard for him to see whatever. But I've always felt that this knock on him as being someone who can't read was really like a calumny. How could he possibly not be able to read? So go ahead. What's your reaction?

You're right. He can read. He can physically read. I say it as a joke. Can you stand up for yourself? He's bad at reading. You know what I mean? And the pressure of reading publicly, which is hard for a lot of people.

Yes, that's right. That's where he gets nervous, so we need something to make him feel a little stronger in that public thing. When you're reading with three TV cameras in your face and a bunch of people sitting in front of you, it's a lot harder to do. I think he's always had trouble reading. He did go to Wharton, but I'm sure he had some help with his term papers and daddy's money and stuff getting out of there.

I got a lot of friends that went to Wharton. He's not a brain surgeon. He's not a brain surgeon. He's not a mental health. I went to Wharton and I can tell you it's astounding how little you can do and still get through it. Now, I don't know what his GPA was, but I did nothing

for four years. Well, there you go. There you go. You're right. You still have to read. Nothing academically and nothing socially for four years. That I believe. And I squeaked by. We see the man. I've seen the man reading quite often. I've seen him reading.

As a matter of fact, on The Apprentice, he read the cue cards. And he can read. I think when a lot of times you hear people talk about he can't read, is he's a man who doesn't read. He's not interested in learning. It's not literature. You're right. We should make that distinction.

He can physically read. If you give him instructions,. It's not literature. You're right. We should make that distinction. He can physically read. If you give him instructions, read this, and you get out of this locked room, he's going to figure it out. But he doesn't sit around and read War and Peace, and he doesn't read the newspaper. He doesn't read his briefing book. Bingo. But you did say he had problems with certain syllables. He does. He's probably dyslexic in a time before it wasn't common, like it wasn't treated and acknowledged, as many people are.

I have a touch here, but I'm a good reader, which is ironic, but I do have a little reversal. Understood. Okay, so he can read. Right. So the next question is Adderall. Now, Adderall, have you tried Adderall? I have not. I've tried Adderall.

Have you ever tried Adderall? Yeah, I've tried Adderall. What was your experience on it? I had a good time. I got a lot done. It made me productive. Yeah. It did, like, it kept me up at night.

I've only done it a couple times. You ever tried it, Dan? Nothing bad. Try Adderall? Yeah. No. Okay, so I grew up with a father who was a very frenetic, hardworking guy. And he used to take speed, he told me, when he was in his 30s because he felt it allowed him to cheat time.

That he would get a 36-hour day. I used to do the same thing with diet pills. I did the same thing in college. I would stay up for 40 hours at a time to work and then go to school. That he would be able to get a 36-hour day and that he would get a lot done. And then at some point he stopped, maybe got older, and was taxing for his body, whatever it is.

So my inclination is not immediately to think that this is the sign of something bad in a businessman who's trying to keep himself awake like that. And we hear that Trump is this kind of, he's up in the morning, always working, always working. So what do you think about that? Well, it depends on how you define working. He's using it to stay up, but he's staying up all night tweeting in self-centered rages. He's watching Fox News.

My father did that. He's thinking and talking about himself. And the reason I pointed it out, if you know anything about addiction, people become very belligerent. They become very self-centered and everything's about them and these aggrievements and resentments they have. You see him stewing in resentment and tweeting at his enemies. That's a sign of addiction. When you're feeding that with more chemicals, it doesn't get better. It gets uglier. That may not necessarily be the trait we want in the person leading the free world. It's for someone else to decide, but that's why I'm pointing it out.

He's not working. He's not sitting there rewriting the tax code on Adderall. Are you saying he's addicted? He's totally addicted. So then he's not taking it to read the cue cards. He's taking it because he's a drug addict. Yeah, he is a drug addict. If you know anything about drug addiction, he's a taking it to read the cue cards. He's taking it because he's a drug addict. Yeah, he is a drug addict. If you know anything about drug addiction, he's a walking advertisement for it. Okay, but that's different to me than taking it for the cue cards.

That's where I would see him do it. When you use drugs to get through life, you do them in high-pressure moments. Sure, sure. And then they become you can't function without it. Anytime you see him giving a speech, he's sniffing. He's sniffing like crazy, and he's drinking water. Howard Dean accused him of that in the campaign. That's why he was doing that.

He was going after Hillary and sniffing. He got all jacked up in one of those things. He did a little too much. All this is very interesting, but I don't know. Why wouldn't he take a pill, Adderall? Why does he have to take it? Because you get a bigger rush when you snort it. You've been doing it forever.

Oh, so you think he's just snorting Adderall? You don't think he's doing coke? Not anymore. I think it snorting Adderall? You don't think he's doing coke? Not anymore. I think he's probably just Adderall. I think meth was his preferred drug, you know. Well, look, this is all very interesting, no doubt. But I don't think even if the American people were to get clear and convincing evidence that everything you said is true, I don't know that it would make much of a difference.

It would make no difference. I don't think so at all. What would make a difference, though? Well, truly. Like, I don't know. If he wasn't pro-Israel. It would make no difference. I don't think so at all. What would make a difference, though? Well, truly. I don't know what would make a difference. If he wasn't pro-Israel. Yeah, yeah. Well, if he caves on the wall, then that might make a difference.

People elected him for fairly specific reasons. I don't think it'll make a difference. I don't think it will. I think him caving on the wall will not make a difference. I think that the people who vote for him will still be like, well, he tried. Well, it depends who he's running against, but I suppose

that if the person he's running against is even weaker on the border than he is, you know, then maybe he'd win despite caving on the wall. But I think people voted for him knowing that he was a vulgar guy, knowing that he was a pervert, knowing that he, you knowgar guy, knowing that he was a pervert, knowing that he wasn't the most chivalrous person in the world,

but they hired him or they elected him to do a specific sort of a job. I'm just hoping a real left-wing person takes over so we can really nail the coffin on free speech in this country and really just double down so we can just cancel people left and right. That would be terrific. You know, this is what the problem is. Trump is a risky, crazy person.

But boy, the only threat you guys in comedy have is not Trump. And people all over the country who work in offices getting called into HR is this fascist political correctness, which is descending, ruining a new person every day. I think it goes both ways now, though.

Both ways? To be honest, as a comedian, I feel if you say something anti-Republican on stage, anti-gun, anti-Trump, it's the same backlash you get. It feels that way. It's from an audience perspective. Audiences can react however they want. But you're saying getting fired. But I'm saying, your tweets, I mean everything.

The rights begin to do a little bit too now. They do it to SNL people. They dig too. But they're doing it to strike back. I don't know. I think that gets hairy. I think that they do it just the same way. I think that they're like, I think they want the same thing.

There's no company that's calling somebody into the boardroom and firing them for tweeting something liberal. You know, there's no liberal speakers who are getting protests on campuses. Didn't somebody lose a job for saying something about Barron Trump? Wasn't that a thing a while ago? I don't know, but that's not liberal or conservative. If somebody attacks somebody's kid, they might have lost a job. They can certainly be vicious on Twitter.

I was watching a documentary. I forgot the name of the woman, but she said something. It's an Indian woman that did a documentary on hate groups, and she had mentioned that America's a multicultural place and that it's too Indian woman that did a documentary on hate groups, and she had mentioned that America is a multicultural place and that it's too late to restore the white majority or to guarantee

a white majority. And she got so much hatred on Twitter, people saying she should die, she should be raped, heard that she was a shitskin. I mean, they're pretty brutal too. You know, many of the people on the right. I feel like it's the polar people, like the people on the polar opposite sides are going to come in no matter what. I think the difference is that there's more, the people that do it

on the left have the veneer of respectability, perhaps. There's no comparison. If you read that book, The Coddling of the American Mind, I suggest everybody read it by John High right now. It portrays, and Greg Lukianoff, it portrays a snapshot of what's going on in America, which scares the shit out of anybody who reads it in terms of, I mean, the total shutdown on college campuses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's something that just happened this week, which was astounding.

A Christian university canceled a speech by Ben Shapiro. Now, Ben Shapiro is like this pretty straightforward conservative Orthodox Jewish guy who supports everything that a Christian university ought to support. And they canceled his speech because they were just too intimidated to have him, even though they agree with his points of view because of how people... It's nuts. Go ahead. But specifically in the stand-up comedy context, just to

focus the discussion just a wee bit, I do agree with Tom Thacker that I feel just as sort of limited in terms of the stuff I can say on stage. We're walking a tightrope right now. Now, in terms of whether I got fired from a sitcom, well, I don't have that problem right now.

But in terms of the work that I do, which is club work, especially if I'm doing a corporate gig in some place other than New York. Yeah, yeah. I'm from Indiana, and when I go back, it's like that. You guys are missing the point. We're not missing the point. You're changing the point.

Well, we're focusing on the stand-up comedy content in terms of how we are limited or rather in terms of the reaction that we get on stage, which is what we do. I think it's too easy on the repubs. I don't know. There's never been a time where you could go into a corporate gig

and say pussy, pussy. I mean, corporate gigs are always... And you could lose that gig. The point is that if you have some joke in your repertoire from 20 years ago, that uses the word, the F word for homosexual. Or make some joke about that alludes to some kind of

rape or pedophilia or any kind of absurdist joke, whatever it is. And then you get a part in a hit show next week. That threat hanging over your head is not from anybody right wing. It is from the left. And that is the only threat to your career.

I'm not talking about the threat of an audience that might not like your jokes. I'm talking about the culture of canceling people. Well, what would you say about the Kathy Griffin experience, though? About the Trump thing? Yeah, yeah. And she lost everything. No, she got fired. She was a hero.

She got fired from CNN because it's a news network. I guess if that was... She was untouchable in the business, though, for a long time. But now she's killing it. She's killing it.

Kind of. Is she? Yeah, she is. Just talking to her, she didn't see what she was doing. She also, by the way, really stuck up for, you know, she said you're...

Yeah, she said... We've known each other a long time. She said it. You know, unfortunately, Kathy Griffin, I'm glad that you and her are close But I can't get behind Kathy Griffin

Specifically after the Covington Catholic School Situation Where she ranted and raved about how these kids Should be doxxed, how they should be outed How their names should be Screamed from the highest rooftop And I don't know that she's apologized for that.

I suppose if she's apologized, one could reassess that. But as long as she has not apologized for it, I cannot get behind Kathy Griffin. By the way, I'm not getting behind one way or another. I'm just bringing up. Don't be a pussy. See, you're afraid. I'm not afraid. Get behind.

It's not that I'm getting behind, like, that doxing thing. I didn't know about that. I don't think anybody should be doxed. That's not something I believe in. I don't think anybody should be doxed. What she did with Trump's head, though, what did you think about that? That was... Me?

No. I could give a fuck. That didn't bother me. Yeah, I thought that was fine. I didn't understand. There's two things. First of all, I didn't think there was anything wrong. Yeah, I don't understand.

Why was that such a big deal? Listen, I'm older, and there is something disturbing to me about that level of disrespect towards any president. I've told this story before. When I was a kid, my father just hated Nixon. Nixon was the enemy. But one time there was a press conference, and Dan Rather was a little bit disrespectful to Nixon. And my father was like, no, that's not acceptable. You don't talk to the president that way. And he hated Nixon as much as anybody hates Trump today.

So I still have a little bit of that in me. But other than that, as a comedian, do whatever she wants. But she's working for a news network. No, no, no. That part I understand. But she lost her job and she got tremendous backlash. And then she went, so a lot of people are not sensitive to what that really means to be the object of derision throughout the country. She got a taste of it, and then thought nothing of turning this same experience onto some 16-year-old kids. And that says something about what it says about her to me is that

being in the public eye and getting attention is more important than anything else by triple in her life. I mean, that's what it says. My whole point was this is an example of someone doing a leftist thing and getting shit for it

and getting fired. That's not a statement about pro-Kathy Griffin. So what did you guys think? Dan wants to talk about the stadium. Well, I just wanted... Also, Tom has to go soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just wanted to briefly get to know Tom a little bit

because he's a new guy here. But can I say this about getting to know Tom? Just briefly. I believe that people listening to this show like it just better when we talk about things and hearing some dopey stuff about it. Well, it's not dopey. I'm fine with that, too.

It's not dopey. I'm not going to ask him, oh, how was your gig in Indiana? We did that last week with somebody. What tweet did you pull up that I said? Eagle Whip. We got some great stuff out of Eagle Whip. Yeah.

Because Tom Thacker. It was Remy that was asking about his show. It's a little dull. We don't have to do that. I'm okay with that. No, it wasn't a little dull because we talked about him being Islamic and having an anti-Semitic character

and that was a very interesting stuff. Don't say Remy. Remy. Remy. Remy, that's what I said. Remy. Tom Thacker has a very interesting background. The man was abandoned at birth by his father.

Am I correct in saying so? He's an Indian man. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I'm one of the rare deadbeat Indian dad kids. I was a mixed race kid in Indiana, so it's a very looked down upon thing 30 years ago in Indiana. You're half Indian and half... I'm half Indian and half white.

Just like my kids. And he makes... Is that right? Yeah. It's a rare... It's truly a rare type of person. I've only ran into a few. The great Arch Barker is in that category as well.

It's not... Yeah, you don't meet a lot, especially people whose dads weren't in the picture. And my own... Well, that may be true. My own... My first biracial relative that I know of is half Indian, half Jewish in this case. But we'll consider that Caucasian.

Yeah, yeah. My second cousin, my first cousin twice removed Avi. He's half Indian. Yeah. And we accept him. I actually only met him once. But you make a lot of hay In your act about that

I guess that you talk about I just think it's a funny thing to talk about I don't know Most of my act is meant to be funny This is what you did We're about to get into the story about his father abandoning him Your father dropped you like a hot potato Let's hear about your father, your Indian father.

He's born in India. Yes, born in India. He's born in Bombay. And then moved here, doctor in Indiana. Yeah, he bailed out. Were you a difficult child? Why did he leave? That was the biggest part of it.

I was hungry. child? Why did he leave? That was the biggest part of it. Your brothers and sisters? I had one relative through him. He died a few years ago and I found out that I had a brother and in the same... I was figuring out the inheritance shit. No, no. My mom just hooked up with him for a little while and then they had me and then...

He wasn't a touring comic, was he? So how old were you when he left? About one and a half, too. You have no recollection of him? Zero. Zero. Yeah. I have pictures now, but I never met him.

I didn't have a real relationship with him. That's probably the best way to not have a parent in your life. I think so, too. But a lot of people... I had an opportunity to meet him as a kid, and I was kind of like, fuck him. Like, I don't really want to have a relationship with this dude who doesn't know me at all. Do you get along with your mother?

Of course. I love my mom. Yeah, she's great. Do you feel, now, but you are half Indian ethnically, but do you feel any attachment to that culture? Only in that I don't feel a super close attachment to that culture, but also I don't feel a super close attachment to being white either because as a kid in Indiana, it's like people treat you differently. They thought I was Mexican more than Indian, so I just got treated like Mexican more than Indian. What does that mean? How did they treat you?

Just like I had a job at a grocery store. They made me do like lifting work, like kind of grunt work more than the stuff that – If you were Indian, if they knew you were indie, they would have you do accounting. Okay, so they have you be the doctor at the store. I just want to say what's interesting about that.

So, and you could be right. So my best friend growing up, he listens to this show sometimes. I don't want to say his name, but he's a medical doctor now. Like I said. And his father was a surgeon and was the richest guy in our town.

And what did he do summer jobs? He was working at the town park going, I think they used to call it cherry picking or something, which they would have to clean up used tampons out of the septic system or something. This is what he was doing As his job And he was White as white can be So I always worry There's always this temptation to put two and two together

So are you sure they were treating you like They literally told me they thought I was Mexican It wasn't like a thing I made up Were they going to put you in the front office If they thought you were white Inside the store There were shifts that we had that it's like, you're doing bags,

you're doing cards or whatever. It was like a thing that was spoken to me. It wasn't just like made up. And also, I wasn't rich growing up either. So then, I believe that. So then, what insight, so that means you've gotten a little insight into,

I hate to use this phrase, into white privilege. Sure. So what can you tell us about that? About white privilege? What's your take on white privilege, being able to see it kind of like from behind that veil? From both sides. It's little things.

Like, it's very subtle. I don't think it's as big as people make it to be all the time, but I think there are things that white people don't quite see that I have gotten to see from both sides. Because in New York, I get treated like white, I think, and in Indiana I didn't. Well, now that you're white, you're going to get fewer spots at the cellar.

We'll talk about that later. Pete Lee just joined us. We're just discussing how Tom Thacker is ethnically ambiguous, and Tom Thacker is ethnically ambiguous, and people actually think that he's Spanish. So, you know, that's quieting. But, like, in the dating world, like, a lot of people in Indiana couldn't fathom dating a non-white person. Like, it's just an odd thing.

Well, it's not natural. I mean, it is evil. I mean, that's why I get why my dad left. It's like, yeah, you got this mixed race left. Pete Lee is also a Midwesterner. Yeah, I'm a Midwesterner. So I understand that. My best friend in first grade was Bianca Miller, and she was black. And my friends were like, what's going on?

And my other best friend was Joe Monjarz. But we lived in the poor side of town. And they were my, and not to stereotype, but that's just the truth. But they were like, I had friends but that's just the truth yeah but like all my like they were like i had friends that would be like why do you hang out with them i'm like because they live two doors down than me then they have nicer houses and like they're really cool and then i got everybody all the other white kids to like be friends with bianca and joe yeah and um you know so i get that like it and people always say racism isn't born, it's learned.

But it's learned pretty after birth in a lot of places. I don't ever remember not being racist. I don't remember learning it. This, by the way, is Noel Kasler. He's a comedian. He's also done a lot of work on the production side of the business. And he worked on The Apprentice. And he had some interesting stories

about Trump that we were discussing earlier. Oh, wow. Now we've got to get to the Ms. Universe story, too. Yes.

Okay, so while we're on race, did everybody hear the Liam Neeson story this week? Yeah. I thought that was bullshit.

Did you hear it? Yeah. I'm familiar with the story. Who wants to write it down for the people who haven't heard

Well, apparently Liam Neeson had a female friend that was raped by a black man, and then he used to go to black neighborhoods. He was so incensed and angry at the black community, I guess, that he would go to black neighborhoods armed with some sort of club or something,

hoping that somebody would pick a fight with him and that he could, quote-unquote, beat that black bastard. I thought that he said that he went looking for the guy because he got a general description. No, he was looking for anybody black. Anybody black to start a fight with him. Well, then can I retract my that's bullshit?

Because I thought that he was looking for the guy. No, he wasn't looking for the guy. Well, anyway, he expressed shame that he had these thoughts, and I don't believe he ever actually had a violent encounter, but that's what he said. 35 years ago. Wait, this was 35 years? I thought this was yesterday.

I didn't know that this was like a past thing. You don't read good, Tom. I don't read well. It's the Indian part of my brain. I don't know that... And Trump. Perhaps if the article was in Farsi. That's not it. Is that not even the language?

That is the language. That's like Afghanistan. That's what you're both wrong. No, it's Persian. No, my buddy's from Afghanistan. He speaks Farsi. No, that's not Farsi. That's Urdu're both wrong. No, it's Persian. No, my buddy's from Afghanistan. He speaks Farsi. No, that's not Farsi. That's Urdu, isn't it?

Oh, that's true. No, it's not Urdu. What if I just do a Mexican accent? Like, hey, man, that's because you're Indian. But I speak Afghanistan. But I don't know if people are calling for his head or for him to be drummed out of show business, but obviously it's provoked a certain amount of controversy.

I didn't know it was 35 years ago. That's odd. But I thought he just said it in an interview. He just said it, but the incident happened. Oh, so that's the thing. That's it.

Pashto. Pashto. Oh, okay. Yeah, so he just said it in an interview, though. Yeah. He just said it, but it happened a long time ago.

Why even say it? What an odd move. I agree with that. That's stupid to do that. But then it also talked about... Or it was Pakistan, which is right... They're probably speaking in Afghanistan too. Look, Liam Neeson has always frightened me.

I don't know if he's a bad guy or not. Because you're always taking young women, right? They're taking films. Oh, yeah. I like that. I just find him frightening in a general sense. If I had to do a multiple choice about who went to black neighborhoods

looking to beat up black people and you gave me a multiple choice, say A, Gilbert Godfrey. Forgive me. Go ahead. B, Jimmy Kimmel. C, Liam Neeson. I would certainly choose C.

I think we're all missing the point here. I wasn't makingeson, I would certainly choose C. Okay. Yeah, I think we're all missing the point here. Well, I wasn't making any point, so I'm not missing a point. No, but I think the point is not being made.

Well, then make it, make it, make it. Which is that, when a man confesses, Neeson is scary, that's all. Oh yeah,

when a man confesses, something that he knows, he's ashamed of, Yeah. that he felt 35 years ago, and that he knows he's ashamed of, that he felt 35 years ago and that he did, what's become of us when we turn that against him and don't accept that somebody can ever confess something that they felt or did that they're now ashamed of? He didn't actually hit anybody, whatever.

He's unburdening himself of this thing that he's carried with him, that he knows is wrong, he can't believe it was him, he sought help for it, all of it, you know? But at some point, we're all a product of the marination of our upbringing. You mean Mark Maron? And at some point, if we're lucky, we are able to rise above that. A certain number of inches we're able to break out of. Never entirely.

Never entirely. You're not going to take somebody who grew up in a, you know, as a fundamentalist Muslim in Afghanistan and bring him here and all of a sudden he's going to be, you know, like some kid who was raised here. But, you know, you get some enlightenment. And we don't know Liam Neeson's background, but at some point, this is who he was,

and now he's confessing that that's not who I am anymore, and I'm ashamed of who I was, and yet they're calling him to task. And I find it disgusting. Number one, we do have to give him an A for his defense of women, I suppose, on some level, that there's something admirable, perhaps, about the anger that he had.

So if we want to... you know, that's worthy of some admiration. But, yes, of course I agree with Noam that, you know, we shouldn't be upset or angry at him. I agree with you 100% that there should be more realistic. Tom Fager just left to do his spot. And look at the double standards. Like somebody like Jesse Jackson confessed that when he was younger, he spit in white people's drinks.

You know, very similar kind of thing. This is fine. He calls Jews hymies. This is fine. Well, that wasn't totally fine. You have to apologize. But I have to say, I think it is fine that if Jesse Jackson said, as an example of his past that he was embarrassed about,

what are you going to do? Who the fuck thinks that they're so good? That's what kills me. We'll also have to see what happens with this, because I don't think Liam's going to suffer terrible career consequences, though I could be wrong. He already had an appearance canceled. Yeah, they canceled the screening of his movie,

which it just seemed very unusual because i'd like you said uh... i think that in our current society every so bipolar they're either like i believe this or i believe that like either it wasn't bad that he did it all or it's the worst in his whole career should be shut down but i think that there's an adult point of view in the middle that is reasonable the word reasonable comes up a lot, and if we're being reasonable, I think we all have to...

We also, if you're like, oh my god, I can't believe that he went to that neighborhood looking for somebody to beat up, let's be realistic. If a white guy goes to a black neighborhood alone, that physically isn't going to be the result. That's like me being like, I'm going to race NASCAR and win, and I'm not

going to do it if I've never done it. First of all, I don't know that that's necessarily true. Number one, this is England, so I don't know if their neighborhoods are quite as rough as ours. He was armed, and he's a big fucking guy. He is a big fucking guy, but he's also— I think if he was looking to kick somebody's ass, he might well have been able to do it. He's a big fucking actor. That's like being a big ballet guy.

He plays a big guy. We don't really know what he's like. I'm a pretty big guy. I am also a black belt in Taekwondo. If I went to fucking Harlem right now with a stick, I'd get my ass beat. But you wouldn't go to Harlem. That's the point. Liam Neeson did it, which means he is a badass on some level. It means he had the

balls to do it. It probably just means... It probably means he's bipolar. to do it. It probably just means that... I don't know if it's about balls, is it? It probably means he's bipolar. That's probably what it means. I mean, those factors are. I don't know. Noah, you say what?

You know, I've met Liam. He's a nice guy. I took a leak next to him at Radio City one time at the Tonys. He's huge. He's hung like a fucking donkey. I had to peek. I had to. It's Liam Neeson.

Best stories. It's Liam Neeson. And he's a nice guy. He'd just done the Stephen Collins film, I believe. And I'm to peek. I had to. It's Liam Neeson. Best stories. It's Liam Neeson. And he's a nice guy. He'd just done the Stephen Collins film, I believe. And I'm from County. My grandparents are from County Cork, Ireland, where Stephen Collins is from and where he filmed that. And he was actually a very nice guy, you know. To a guy who was staring at his cock.

Well, yeah. No, I mean, I wasn't like, wow. But I was just like, damn, dude. The Irish cliche doesn't hold with you. You do have a special set of skills. Exactly. You like what you see, lad. I agree with what Noam said.

You know, like, we have to change as a society. You know, we're all, you know, I grew up in the 70s and 80s, man. It was a lot more racist. You know, we've all harbored views that we may not be proud of now. And we're only going to change if we do have a dialogue. And if people say, you know what, I did that and it's wrong, I don't

feel the same way now, but I'm admitting what I've done. Nobody is like Scott free in life. When I was a kid in the 80s here in New York, the media would talk about the wolf packs and all these young black kids that would walk up and down the subways. That's what Trump wrote his- Right, and everybody would get scared and you know, and you had Bernie Getz, and you had all this stuff, and you were sort of like bred to be fear black guys, you know, and you don't do that anymore because we've changed as a society, you know? Well, no.

Of course. You know what I'm saying, you know. Late at night, we always breathe that sigh of relief when we see an Asian coming at us. That we can agree on. But it used to be terrifying. So let me say two things. So first of all, CNN this week, it was in regard to the Governor Northam story. Great example.

But there was a long story about this person saying that, it was an opinion piece, how this is nothing America's always, the big shame of America is that it's racist and everybody's passed. And it alluded to the story of Hugo Black. Now, Hugo Black was a Supreme Court justice, and he famously, when he was younger, had been an active member of the KKK. Jesus.

And then he later, much later in his life, he became a justice on the Supreme Court, repudiated, completely repudiated his past and became one of the votes to desegregate the schools. He became a reliable, committed civil rights justice. told by liberal people as this wonderful tale of redemption. That a man could be, again, a product of who he was in the South growing up, probably in the teens and the 20s. Like, you know, what do you expect from him? And then getting a little bit older, seeing the world differently,

rejecting that, and devoting his life actually to the noble cause of civil rights in some way. But this article now is using Hugo Black as a knock against America. And you see, they're redefining all these stories

now as not as nice stories of triumphs of good over evil and American stories, but as evidence of how bad America is. And this is a bottomless pit. This is a bottomless pit where you don't even care if somebody's a good person as an adult. We just care about what they once were.

And it's, again, you know, the left-right thing. This is not coming, in my opinion, from the right. But I reject it if it came from the right or the left. But it scares the shit out of me. It's disgusting. And, you know, well, anyway. So the other thing I wanted to say is that there was this Jimmy Breslin documentary now. I alluded to it to Perrielle last week.

And it's about Jimmy Breslin and Pete Hamill on HBO. Everybody should watch it. It's fantastic. And in it, Pete Hamill says something that was apparently the position of a Spanish philosopher. He says, everybody has three lives. You probably all heard this. I'd never heard it before. The public, the private, and the secret. The public is

public, the private is by invitation only, and the secret is none of anybody's fucking business. That's how he puts it. And everybody, and I thought that was right. Everybody has the secret. Everybody. And the people are walking around pretending,

no, no, I don't have a secret. I just found out about yours, and I want your life over. And it's bullshit, and it's hypocritical. And we're intimidated to stand up against it. That's the bottom line. You're right. I mean, you're absolutely right. I just saw Chappelle on stage at the store two nights ago. That's the comedy store for the uninitiated. Remember, not everybody's a comic.

The comedy store in Los Angeles, in Hollywood, in West Hollywood, on the Sunset Strip. Although it seems like everybody's a comic. It does kind of, but he was talking about, you know, he's like, my career's over because he goes, I'm not perfect. He's like, I know that I have things that will happen or whatever. People will frown upon or it will be like a minor infraction that will be blown up. And he's like, I'm sailing off into the sunset. I'm realizing now that somebody's going to take me down. And it's weird because the general sense of the room was like, yeah, wow, you have to be perfect.

Well, I'm going to say it right now before it comes out. And come what may, I stole a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera from a bookstore. And I've mentioned this before. In the late 80s or early 90s, I'm not sure which. Yeah, my best friend, Bianca Miller,

I didn't call her back once. So maybe I can be taken down. Yeah, you probably don't even have, you have a very secret life, but it's not the one I'm alluding to. You know what? We know your secret life is not very much of a secret to life but it's not the one I'm alluding to. You know what? Your secret life is not very much

of a secret to me. By the way, I didn't love the book. I don't know if anybody's ever, I didn't love Love in the Time of the Fist. Perrielle, you say what? Is Perrielle officially,

by the way, a co-host or just? No, she just, she just boggled her way onto a microphone. Go ahead. I can leave. It'll be much less interesting.

Well, we could have a, it's good to have a female voice. I'm super happy to be your token female voice. The thing about Liam Neeson is I actually agree with you, Noam. Like, I do think that that's a really dangerous thing to say. And I think it was a little bit tone deaf and not that smart of a thing for him to say?

Tone deaf or not smart? It was not smart. Both, because the climate that we live in is one that like his premiere or whatever it was just got canceled. Like it was kind of a stupid thing to admit. Stupid, but tone deaf to me means something different. Okay, well, not to argue semantics. Well, somebody called him a hero, I think.

But I do think it's important to note that part of, you know, what you always talk about is how important context is. And one of the articles that I read about Liam Neeson is that he said that this movie that he's doing is about revenge. And so he was trying to tell a story about an experience that he had where he felt like getting revenge. I think that what he did was, I think everybody including

him thinks that what he did was horrible. I don't think anybody's trying to excuse... Of course, you're looking for an innocent person because of the same color as the person who just left. It was psychotic. Not completely innocent. He was saying he was hoping somebody would start shit with him. So he wasn't looking for...

It's a slight distinction, but a distinction that... That's the George Zimmerman distinction. But go ahead. He's the guy who found Trayvon Martin. He was hoping somebody would start shit with him. And it turns out it was Trayvon Martin. Trayvon Martin just turned 24. If he was truly looking just to beat up anybody,

he could have certainly done so. So, I mean, I'm not saying that excuses it. I'm saying it is a distinction worth mentioning. There's nothing that excuses it, but that's not the point. And this is also the same week that the New York Times ran an article saying that Mary Poppins was racist because they had soot on their face while they were singing Chim Chimory. Oh, my God. Look, that's the opinion of one guy that wrote an article.

No, yes, it's the opinion of one guy, but when the New York Times runs it, it has a stamp of credibility to it, at least, that the New York Times is not an unedited open forum. You're right. I mean, did you see the article last week where millennials were watching Seinfeld because they had never really seen it? And then they're like, oh, this is problematic. Everything is problematic.

But anything can be problematic if you add a layer of inference to it. If you go, well, if they meant this by it, then that's bad. But if they were kidding, which is a comedy show, then it's not. And I think that that's... It's impossible. I don't mean to interrupt show, then it's not. It's impossible. I don't mean to interrupt you, but go ahead. To speak to your point about the three different lives that we lead, I think that Liam Neeson needs to know that Robin Roberts on Good Morning America isn't his therapist. There are certain things of the secret variety that you admit to your therapist

and then you talk to your PR person and then your PR person goes, hey, not a great idea. I don't agree with you guys. What you're doing is saying what you would say to him in terms of explaining to him how he didn't do what was in his own best interest.

Yeah, of course. But I'm not going to criticize. I might even admire a guy for not caring about what's in his own best interest and saying what he thought was helpful for people to hear. So, no, I can't criticize him for that in terms of as a member of the public. I can tell him privately, you know, Liam, that was a dumb thing to say, but I wouldn't criticize him for it. But was it, well, it was dumb, as you said, in terms of his own self-interest.

One might argue that it was something that should be said and provokes a discussion. I think it is something that should be said because it shows how people are human. Yeah. You know, I mean, I raise kids. I would want my kids to hear these stories. I would want them to understand.

I don't want them to become a bunch of self-righteous, you know, pricks who are just judging everybody, think that they're so good, you know? Let them understand what it means to be human. I mean, if you turn on the news and see all the sadistic bloodshed going on all over the world, don't you know our nature is the same as these people in other parts of the world? Who do we think we are? We're the same species. We have a system which controls us

and brings out better angels of our nature, whatever it is, and keeps us in line. But we think we're not them? When you see them chopping off each other's hands in Africa, oh, well, we wouldn't. Of course we would. You're just lucky enough to not be born there.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's not only that we would, it's that we do in various forms, right? All right, all right. We do. We have that here, too. Look at what's going on in the prison in Brooklyn right now where there's no heat.

That's torture, right? Yes. I don't even know what you're talking about, but I know you're always going to want to bring it back to bashing America somehow, and that's fine. But I was making a point about the human race, which is that we all carry the same nature and that we should not be shocked

and force somebody to self-censor when they want to admit that they're human, that they have the same bad urges that we all try to suppress. I have a really great reality show idea, and it would be that you take the wokest of the woke people and then you make them do that psych experiment. You remember like the guards versus the...

Milgram. No, that's not Milgram. Which one? Yeah, I forget what it was called, but it was basically like... Were they shocking people? No, it was like Nazi guards versus concentration camp people.

And they made people... You know which side I'm on. Uh-huh. Wait, what? You know which side I'm on. Uh-huh. Wait, what? You know which side I take. Go ahead. But, like, they basically made people, like, they just put them in a room and they were like,

you're the guards, you're the prisoners. And people started to carry on those roles. And it's like they've done this experiment over and over and over again. And they found that when they put people in a position of power, they always abuse it. So it would be kind of funny to see people that are holier than thou and so woke and so righteous. I think we saw that with the Covington Catholic. On some level with the Covington Catholic kids where people were tweeting the most horrible things about them. I mean, Kathy Griffiths was relatively mild compared to it. People were saying he had a punchable face.

This is a 16-year-old. That's Reza Aslan, who's been what people are saying. He had a punchable face. This is a 16-year-old. That's Reza Aslan, who's been on this show, said he had a punchable face. This guy presents himself, I'd describe him as human 2.0. Like, you know, just above it all. Just spiritual and so thoughtful. And immediately sees a 16-year-old, yeah, punchable face. Like, dude. Yeah.

What the fuck? You're carrying all that hate. You're carrying all that hate. And this is the thing. We all carry meanness and hate and whatever it is in our gut. But the most dangerous thing to do is to tell somebody, now you have a righteous reason to use it.

Yeah. So, we hate bullies, but it's not a bully if you're doing it in a good cause. And that's how we have murder in communist countries. That's how all these great revolutions turn into bloodbaths. Because all that true humanity comes out when you can

pretend that it's in a good cause. You just touched on a really great thing. I had a show at the University of Iowa, or not university, it was a university in Iowa, and these two girls came up to me and they confronted me after the show, and they go, we didn't like your joke about domestic violence. And I was like, what?

Like, did you see a different show? And the girl said to me, she goes, yeah, you had a joke about choking women. And I go, no, I had a joke where I say, I'm such a wuss. Like, even if I was strangling one of you, you'd be like, oh, your hands are so soft. Like, death tickles. It's a joke that I've done on The Tonight Show. it's a joke that i've done on the tonight show it's a joke that i've done on t b in other places it's there's no gender pronoun i'm not joking women

and i also record all my sets of college shows and then i also keep my recorder going some recording every interaction with the student smart so i woke up the next day and on twitter they've gotten several feminist blogs that were like hate women are saying this. We believe women. I think that that's the right thing for them to do. But in this case, they were lying, and they created multiple Twitter accounts that said that they were giving accounts of this thing happening.

That's so fucked up. What was I saying about the left and Threat to Comedians? Exactly what I was just saying before you came. It was so fucked. And I, you know, so I reached out to a few of my friends that are a little bit more famous. And I was like, can you put out this audio recording? And I cut it out. Artie Fuqua?

It was Artie Fuqua. It was an Artie. A little more famous. Yeah, he was wearing a suit in the morning when he sent it out. But anyway, so they tweeted at these blogs to get their attention and whatnot. And I got responses back saying, oh, my God, this is totally crazy. And then I also did a little bit of research and I contacted Twitter. Twitter reached out to me and they're like, yeah, all these accounts are umbrella accounts for them.

That's insane. And so we got to the bottom of it within three hours. They were caught and then they were banned from Twitter. But in a lot of cases... You dodged a bullet. I dodged a bullet. Within like three hours. Like they were caught. And then they were banned from Twitter. And you know. And like. But in a lot of cases. You dodged a bullet. I dodged a bullet.

But in a lot of cases. People don't have that. Where they don't have the recording. They don't have the proof. They don't have the immediate thing. And when I was talking to them after the show. I was like. I was like. You're a bully for a just cause.

My mom was very involved in the feminist movement. When I was a little kid. And she even warned me. She's like. Watch out for people that are bullies for just cause. My mom was very involved in the feminist movement when I was a little kid and she even warned me, she's like, watch out for people that are bullies for just causes. Yeah, yeah.

They are, they have so much anger but they're like, I'm on the right side of this and if I unleash my anger on you right now, like it's, I'm good.

I'm good. I'm a good person for punching you in the nose and that's dangerous. Well, the extreme, the extreme I saw, I talked about it too many times but the extreme I had

is that when Louis made the Parkland joke, I talked about it too many times, but the extreme I had is that when Louis made the Parkland joke, I got a kind of threat against my kids. That's insane. Yeah, like I saw your kids on Facebook, they're really beautiful.

How about those Parkland kids? They're beautiful too or something. Like, whoa, I'm a stranger. And this guy thinks he's good. Yeah. Like Louis C.K. made a joke, not even in my club. And this is, you know,

in his mind, now this guy is obviously a joke, not even in my club. And this is, you know, in his mind, now this guy is obviously a mean, nasty fuck, right? But now he's able to let it out because it's goodness. Yeah, he probably hit send on that and was like, I'm good. I did something good today, and this evil man that owns the comedy cellar, I sent him some vitriol. Okay, we're going to end with this Trump stigma.

Jesse Smollett. Jesse Smollett. You know this guy? Jesse. Jesse Smollett. Have you seen his penis? I've worked with him. We did a tribute to Lady Gaga a couple years ago

for Billboard magazine. Very nice guy. Very sweet guy. Did you pee next to him? I didn't see. I'm not going to pee next to him. I already know the answer. You know what I mean? Of course we know the answer. He's half Jewish, though.

Oh, that's true. That's true. This is really true. Hopefully the bottom half is... Wait, there were all these headlines. Black gay man attacked by a Jerusalem Post says half Jewish black gay man attacked... This is really true. Look it up.

They're claiming him. They're claiming him. It's like that Chappelle sketch. It was almost like the onion. The Jerusalem Bows are Jewish. But listen, I think, I don't, I don't, does anybody want to call it hoax, not hoax? Well, it looks, it looks to be that way. But I never want to definitively say, because I don't want to be proven wrong. Put a percentage on it.

Give odds. 90%. 90-10. Hoax. I don't think it's a hoax. What percentage? I don't know, but I don't think it's a hoax. No, no, no.

You don't know. 50-50, 60-40. How sure are you? I don't think it's a hoax. I understand that. I don't have a number. Oh. Come on.

He's cheating. Come on now. That's wimping out. Is it? Yeah, because the next one you can say, well, I just suspect that it probably wasn't short. No, I mean, I don't feel like I have enough information. Given the information you have, and there's a gun to your head saying you need to give us the percent. I'm not going to get bullied into giving you guys a number.

When you bet on a football game with Oz, do you have enough information? Do I fucking bet on football games? All right, next. You know what? Turn over, Mike. Go ahead. What do you think? I mean, I read one article about it, but the language within the article, I don't know.

I'm going to go 50-50 on it, and it might be more than that, but if it is real, whoever spun it did it in a way where they added details in that felt like they weren't realistic. So you're saying partial hoax. Well, I mean, the thing that they said to him when they were beating like, they were

wearing... They weren't MAGA caps, but they said this is MAGA country. Yeah, but then they also said, like, you're that blank from the show Empire. And it's like, any Trump supporter isn't, like, familiar with Empire. I watch it. Oh, really? That's a good point. I don't know.

It could be that they know him because he was on Twitter talking about Trump, and they specifically targeted him. But there's problems with that also. Well, they do film the show in Chicago, and he did end up in a hospital bed, you know, and the cops investigated. Right, he was in the hospital. He was in the hospital, but it turns out in the end he only had a bruised rib

and he didn't stay in the hospital. Well, go ahead. I don't want to... Racism is real. We know that. I'm not asking for odds on racism. Is this a hoax? It smelled fishy to me, to be honest, when I heard about it. But you want to put a number on it? Oh, fuck.

60-40? 60-40 hoax. 60-40 hoax. Can I say one more thing, though? Sure. I think it's awesome that we're having this conversation, you know, and it's like we said, the secret lives. Everybody's got the browser history they don't want you to see.

You know, and I think Liam saying... Not my wife, but go ahead. Liam saying what he said is sort of having the courage to have this dialogue now when we're polarized more than ever. We need to be talking about this stuff. And like you talk about woke, you know, the biggest spiritual hymn we have in this country is Amazing Grace. You know, that's sung in every church, and it's about redemption. It's about changing

and finding a spiritual way to live. That was written by a slave ship captain. He had a cargo of human beings underneath him as he's steering the ship across the ocean. That I did not know. That's a true story. The words were written by... I think the melody is just some old

traditional spiritual... But the lyrics. I once was lost and now I'm found. He was talking about, like, shit, I'm living the wrong way. You know what I mean? This is the way that everyone's lived before me. This is the job I inherited. I'm running these slaves across the ocean, and maybe this isn't the way to go. That guy changed.

You know, that song represents change, and we only get changed by dialogue. If he hadn't written that song and people didn't start singing it, they wouldn't start making their own changes. It's a magnificent melody. It's a magnificent song. It's a great song. And Noam, you haven't given your percentage. Let me preface by saying that I think

Pete is right. That if what I'm about to say turns out to be false, it will be because the information I'm basing on it turned out to be false. Yeah. As they say, garbage in, garbage out. But the facts that we have, I would say 95-5 hoax.

Maybe even 98-2. Because these are the facts that we have. That this man was mugged for 60 seconds or less in the only blind spot on his whole route between the cameras that he didn't know were there while on a telephone call with his manager

that neither side will document while holding a Subway sandwich which he continued to hold 60 seconds later after defending, in his words, the fuck out of himself. Now, that is not a true story.

I will go 100 to nothing. That is not a true story. Now, maybe there's... We've seen too many times already that the media can get it wrong. So maybe the facts are not... And the police have yet to... The police are kind of acting like they don't believe it, it seems to been, and the police have yet to the police are kind of acting

like they don't believe it. Seems to me between the lines. But having said that, if those are the facts, I will say 98 to 2 it didn't happen. I will be wrong if those actually are the facts and it did happen. But if the facts are totally different, then I think we're all off the hook because

we're only basing our guess on what we know. If what we know is not true, then can't blame anybody for getting it wrong. You're right. And if those facts are true, how good are Subway sandwiches? It's like, I don't know. They're worth dying for. Yeah. But, I mean, come on.

You know, they tracked him down the entire, they have him on video the entire route. Yeah. Except for 60 seconds. And that's the 60 seconds apparently that he had to be mugged in. He also has to travel from point A to point B in that 60 seconds while being mugged,

while defending himself, while on the phone. If I told my wife, no, no, no, I was with Pete, we were talking and she said, let me see your phone. I'm like, no, I can't show you my phone. She's like, forget it, I'm sleeping in a hotel. It's going to be 100-0 if she doesn't believe me. I have a follow'm like, no, I can't show you my phone. She's like, forget it. I'm sleeping in a hotel. It's going to be 100-0. She doesn't believe me. I have a follow-up question that you might find interesting,

and you probably don't want to answer it. All right, we know what everybody thinks about it, whether it's a hoax. What would you want it to be? Do you want it to be a hoax, or do you want it to be real? And I suspect most people in America have a desire one way or the other. So I don't know if anybody actually wants to answer that. But I do suspect everybody wants their narrative confirmed.

Well, you know, because I stake my reputation 98 to 2 on it, then of course I want it to be a hoax. Because I don't want to be wrong. And I do like to see... I like every time, in either direction, that the press gets upended for their... I said there's a crisis of

credulousness. Every story's evaporating in 24 hours. They just jump on things because of this toxic pay-per-view pay-per-click culture that we have. That's a good title for your autobiography.

A Crisis of Credulousness? But, Noam, do you also feel that because this story paints America as racist, and indeed racism exists, you'd rather it not be true? Because you don't want to see America once again in a racist light or portrayed that way or presented that way. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, when I heard the JCC bombing scare that was going on, I said on this show I thought it was a hoax, and that was against Jews. So it's not a racial thing that I wanted.

I mean, I just call it like I see it, really. But I like to see phonies upended and the people who are going around pretending that, no, no, there's no reason to suspect that this is a hoax. It's like, come on, you deserve it. You deserve that it should be a hoax because no reasonable person could look at this and not say, wait a second, there's something fishy here. How often do you smell a stench of fish and it turns out, no, there's no fish here. Usually there's fish.

Yeah, your bullshit meter goes off. The media is so reactionary. And I think that it's because Twitter really is, I heard this somewhere else in my mind, but Twitter really is every journalist supervising editor at this point, where they see stuff blow up on Twitter and they're like, well, we have to write on this. And that job used to be the job of a rational human being that went, what do you think? I think this is what we should report on that's important.

And yeah, that's why everything goes out. It goes out fast. It goes out wrong. And then it blows up. But the problem is that only half of the people hear the reality of it afterwards. And the rest of the people just assume that the thing happened. And nobody cares, right?

Nobody's sitting around to figure out what actually happened. They've moved on to the next thing to be scandalized about. I think that's not... I mean, that gets said a lot, but I think it's not quite true. I think everybody actually really does care that things are becoming so unreliable, but the fact is they make all their money from the headline and quite often the headline it doesn't even reflect the story I don't know if you've noticed that you know they'll use adjectives and headline chilling details and there's nothing there but the fact is whether it's right or it's wrong they make all the money in

the headline and I suppose in the old old days, if a newspaper lost its credibility, they would see a dollar and cents. Would people stop buying it, maybe, on the counter in some way? But I don't believe there... I'm not clicking on it. You'll still click on it. It doesn't cost you anything to click on it. And the click is the money.

I don't know. I think a lot of people get their news from very questionable sources. You do. No, I don't know. I think a lot of people get their news from very questionable sources. You do? No, I don't. People are getting their news from Facebook and thinking that they're actually getting news. Okay, Noel's going to tell us a story about Donald Trump. Yes, and the teeth. We're going back to that?

He already alluded to it, but I don't think there's any more to it. The beauty pageants, right? Yes, the beauty pageants. In the 90s. Okay, so Miss Teen Universe. That's a good idea, right? Miss Teen Universe. Miss Teen Universe. That's a great idea. Giving Donald Trump a beauty pageant, right?

Damn. It's like giving Jeffrey Dahmer a cooking show. So he'd line up these girls on the side of the stage. And we literally, he started doing it kind of ad hoc. It was an improv. How old are these girls? Miss Teen Universe. 17, 18,

19, you know? I don't remember that specifically, but they're girls. Because the Miss Universe, they're like 19 and 20. So these are younger girls. And he would just do this inspection of them to the point that we had to put a stop down in the production schedule. You know, a live shoot, you have a

production schedule. 9 a.m. ESU, 10 a.m. cameras, all this stuff. It's very expensive, so the day's regimented. He literally took so much time that they put an hour block in the production schedule. Trump inspects the contestants, and everybody would stand around. The women would stand around, the script supervisors, and he would line them up and march up and down, and he'd look at their teeth like they were horses. He'd stick those little doll fingers in his mouth, their mouths. He'd look at them. He'd look at their teeth like they were horses. He'd stick those little doll fingers in his mouth, their mouths. He'd look at them.

He'd look at their asses. Look them up and down. Well, what was the purpose of this inspection? Because he's looking for the ones that look like Ivanka. That's what he wants. So he'd be like, you, you, and you. If you want to win, come into the penthouse suite. Now, you allege that Ivanka was a little girl then.

Have you seen pictures of Ivanka as a little girl and how he dressed her up? Because I got one on my cell phone right now that'll make you fucking... You made that allegation in your stand-up set where you said he said to the girls, if you want to win... He's obsessed. You said he said, if you want to win, come to my room. Yep. Now, you said it in your stand-up set.

Is that a true... Is that what you heard to the best of your knowledge and belief? It's funny, right? Yeah. But it wasn't just a joke. That's what you claimed to have heard him say. Yeah, but that what you heard to the best of your knowledge and belief? It's funny, right? Yeah. But it wasn't just a joke. That's what you claim to have heard him say. Yeah, that's how he picked the winners. That's how he picked the winners. Well, is there anybody, by the way, that can corroborate your story?

Probably. There was a lot of people who saw this. There was a lot of people who didn't speak out on this because they had NDAs. Obviously, the girls could corroborate it. Girls were pissed about this. He'd come into the TVb truck during the same shoot and he'd be like get a close-up on her tits no not that one the one with the big tits well alright now now you know what haha you hear that's fine right now i thought well i don't know if i will hold on

hold on let's be honest everything else you described is just disgusting terrible but at the point where you're televising a beauty contest and you have girls in bathing suits to say, but you should never order

the cameraman's look. I don't know. That may be a little bit wishful thinking. You're right, but what I'm saying is the corroborating evidence is these other women that were script supervisors and ADs for years that were disgusted by this stuff. They talked about it on Facebook all the time up until the election, but nobody spoke out during it.

But, yeah, that behavior was common knowledge. Everyone saw it. Everybody. It's just disgusting. That would have been much more damaging to him, I think, than the pussy tape. Well, they did, I think. I do remember an allegation during the election where he would walk into their dressing room. Oh, yeah, he bragged about it on Star.

He said, they let you do it. That wasn't the teens. Right. That's different. The teens is different. Were they tweens? No. No.

It was not Miss Twins. No, that would be like, you know, it wasn't like JonBenet. You know what I mean? They were like. Yeah. So, polls. Yeah, they were hot. You know?

Whoa. I don't blame them for. Like 18 or like 14? No, like 18, 17. You know, like old enough to be there. Like R. Kelly teen? No, it wasn't like that. It was a TV show.

You know what I mean? It was a legit situation. Well, legit. I don't know about legit. It was a real TV show. It was a real TV show. He owned the franchise on that aired all the time. The only thing that's abnormal about

his behavior was putting an hour into the production schedule so he could inspect these girls. His role as owner of the pageant had nothing to do with the girls. Just buy a strip club. He wasn't the guy who picked the winner like technically. You know what I mean? His name was plastered on it. He did

it as a benefit. To be like, yo, I own these bitches. Let me go check out what I paid for. But did you know that when you own... That one's good. That one's good. No, that one's... No, I'm sorry.

Steve, you said, did you know that when you own a strip club, you don't get to sleep with the strippers? What? That's a joke. Of course you do. But you still get free cocaine, right? No, we just... And Adderall. And Adderall.

It's so funny to me that there are people listening to this and hearing what you're saying and going, those are harsh words about a great man. People freaked out when it went viral, and I'd get thousands of comments. And the most common one was, oh, thanks for telling us now. I wish we'd known this then. It was like, first of all, you didn't know who the fuck I was. And second of all, he told you he liked to grab women by the pussy because he's famous. He was pretty much saying, I'm the biggest douchebag in the world when it comes to that stuff.

So you signed an NDA? Yes, I did. And you violated it? Well, it's comedy. It's satire. You know what I mean? I didn't talk to the press. I didn't answer any of those press requests.

I'm not on CNN. I didn't talk to the New York Times. I did this on a comedy stage at another club in town. I'm talking about it here. This is a comedy show. Like we were discussing free speech. You know,

it's satire. It's my job. It's my life. It's interesting to me. I'm not even making judgments like, hey, you're an idiot if you voted for him.

I get why people are conservative. I get why they're liberal. I'm saying, this is my experience with this guy. The NDA said you can't discuss anything

that happened on the show. I mean, what exactly does the NDA say? I mean, I know we did last time, I didn't read a damn thing in that contract. Nobody does. There probably was an NDA in there, too. I don't know. Mark Burnett had everybody on NDAs, and that's why

you don't get the tapes and stuff coming out. The NDA says anything that took place on the set Yeah, yeah. That's what an NDA says. I'm sure the ACLU would defend you if you got in trouble. I had lots of people offering to defend me. I don't think it's good. He's got bigger fish to fry. None of this stuff is impeachable.

That's his biggest problem right now. Right, he's got bigger fucking things than me. Do you have any assets that can be taken? No. All right. No. Don't get audited. All right, well, this was a good show.

You can put them all in your sister's name if you have one. There's ways to, you know. I think we got through all your topics. Well, no, we didn't, but we don't have time. I also had State of the Union written down, and the Cub Calf kids are suing a bunch of people, and I wanted to... Actually, I thought if we had...

If you know any lawyers that might be able to tell us if those kids even have a case, I thought that might be interesting, but in any case. They don't have a case against most of them, for sure. Most people are just saying their opinion about things. But the few journalists that... The few journalists that... I don't remember this exactly,

but the few journalists who represented facts that turned out to be untrue, I believe they don't meet the actual malice standard because these guys are not public figures. So it's not exactly the same standard as if they get it wrong about a public figure. And I don't remember what the standard is. Well, they have to get it wrong, and they have to cause damages. Yes.

But I think damages will be relatively easy to show here. And they have to get it wrong, and they have to be negligent. But I don't think they have to be reckless. I don't know. I don't think, no, to get punitive damages, I read, they have to have deliberately lied. That's punitive damages. Right.

But that's not, we're not talking about punitive damages. They don't have to have deliberately lied. It just has to be, I think, negligence is a sufficient standard, I believe. So I think they might have a case. It certainly might be uncertain enough that people might start writing checks to settle it, which is usually nobody hopes to go to trial. They hope to just get one of these big institutions to give. If these kids could walk away with a quarter million dollars, I think everybody would be high-fiving.

The one kid in particular that's, I think, at the center of the storm, has by far the most to gain in this litigation is the Sandman. Sandman. Mr. Sandman. Which is an odd name, but there you have it. With two Ns. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we have to end. Please send your complaints and your comments to podcast at comedyseller.com.

Also, we want to know, should we keep Perry on the mic or not? Send your emails, podcast at ComedyCellar.com. Do you want to plug yourself or your shows or anything? Yeah, I've got a show tomorrow night at Broadway Comedy Club. At the 15th, I'll be at Gotham. And on the 25th, I'll be at Caroline's, all here in New York City. Now, when you're not talking about Trump,

what kinds of stuff, very briefly? I talk about millennials. I talk about ex-girlfriends. You know, I talk about myself. I talk about my mom robbing banks. When I was a kid, she robbed a bunch of banks. Did she really? Why didn't you tell us about that? I buried the lead. Oh, my God.

Well, I was going to say meat and potatoes until you got to your mother being a bank robber. I got to have you on again. Come on. Well, we might want to. Maybe with your mother if she's available. Yeah, she's out of prison now. I got two moms when she got out of prison, if you know what I mean. Oh, my God.

You guys got to all come on as a family. That'd be awesome. Go ahead. Be like a Donahue show. If you're offended by anything I said on the podcast today, you can follow me at Mark Norman on Twitter and Instagram. If you liked

what I said, follow me at Peteley Tweets or on Instagram at Peteley, Peteley, Peteley. I'm at the West Hampton Performing Arts Center tomorrow night on February 7th. It's out in the Hamptons in february which sucks uh... next week i'm at the pittsburgh improv so get your tickets uh... more go to be lead at net uh... look at any might hurt it as well we

played good material without very elegant as a lot of it you have a tweet you twitter in now i'm an instagram okay carryout action for the usual spelling yet again at the end of the okay goodnight everybody Just Perrielle Ashenbrun. Okay. Ashenbrun, the usual spelling. You got to figure it out. At Dan Aderman. Okay, good night, everybody.