The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Pete Holmes, Andrew Schulz, Bill Schulz, and Phil Hanley

Episode Date: June 29, 2017

Pete Holmes is a standup comedian and currently the star of the HBO comedy series "Crashing." Andrew Schulz is a standup comedian who has appeared on the TV programs "Girl Code" and "Guy Code. He is the co-host of the podcast "The Brilliant Idiots" and may be seen regularly performing at the Comedy Cellar.  Bill Schulz is a former TV producer for the Fox program "Red Eye." Phil Hanley is a standup comedian and frequent performer at the Comedy Cellar. He is the co-host of the podcast "Keeping Joe."

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. This is The Comedy Cellar show on Sirius XM 99 Raw Dog. The voice you're hearing is Dan Natterman. That is because Noam is not here this week. He is, uh, it's his anniversary of marriage, and so he's celebrating that. And so he's left me with the show. And we have with us Phil Hanley. Hey, Dan.

Thanks for having me. Well, I didn't invite you. Oh, you really didn't? Are you serious? No, it was Calabria. Oh, right. But I didn't say no. Oh, okay.

Wow, that means a lot to me. Well, no, I didn't do the booking. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if people needed to know that, but yeah. Well, I think they'd like to know the inside story of what goes on here. We have a gentleman that I'm not familiar with personally, but the name I've heard, Bill Schultz.

Thank you for having me. What again? That wasn't my idea. I'm the one non-funny person here. I think we need to mix it up by not having a comedian. I'm bringing the journalism. Well, we often have journalists on the show. Oh, good.

Yes, it's not uncommon for us to have journalists. Well, I listen all the time. And your cousin, who is a comedian. And didn't even know I was coming, by the way. He didn't? It was a big surprise. Andrew Schultz, who's been on the show a few times, I think. I have, yeah.

And so here we are. Eating food like a three-year-old. I finished it. Punched over his plate. Now, Bill, you're a journalist. I know. No, not really. Well, you know, I guess legally I could call myself that.

You're here, by the way, with a young lady. Is that your boo, your boo thing? Well, I'll tell you something. I've known, when I first started being a journalist, and it was in Lab Mags, which doesn't really count. We were at Des Publishing, same company that made Maxim. We were at Stuff Magazine with a guy that

hosted Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld. He was our editor-in-chief. And he's still at Fox News. I'm not. Is Stuff Magazine still a thing? No. It failed as so many magazines have. But it was after Tosh and I left. That's why it failed.

So Tosh, what's her relationship with you? She's my sister. Can't you tell? Well, it's not obvious. She's a gorgeous, gorgeous woman of Indian descent. And we've known each other for about 20 years. We should start. More?

What's that? We should start the show. Come on, Phil. I don't like negative. You're bringing negative energy, too. I'm sorry, Dan. You're bringing negative energy. You didn't book me.

You're the most tan man I've seen in New York City. I work outside. Yeah, Andrew was just saying that. I'm a freelance writer, so I found a hotel right near me where I can work on the roof, take their Wi-Fi. I don't want to hesitate to mention it's the pod on 51st and in between 3rd and 2nd.

And that way I don't go stir crazy. So I can write articles outside, get a little vitamin D. Speaking of tan, we're at the tail end of Pride Month. Pride is a month or a week? I believe it's a month.

I thought it was a day. Tail end euphemism. Pride week. That was really inappropriate. Well, that was accidental. It's a week. Pride week. No, I believe Pride is the whole month of July.

Ramadan is a month. Pride is the week. Well, be that as it may, we're in the Pride season. Yeah, we are. And I don't know if they have that. Phil's from Canada. I don't know if they have Pride. Yeah, we have it. I don't know. they have that. Phil's from Canada. I don't know if they have pride. Yeah, we have it.

I don't know. I think it's different. I'm from Vancouver, and they have a big pride. It's like one of the biggest in the world, I think. Are Jews allowed to be prideful? Of course. In Canada? Not in Chicago.

Oh, is that true? Well, there was a march where, the Dyke March, I guess, in Chicago, where people were... They refer to it as that. He's not just saying that to be insensitive. Yeah, somebody was marching with the rainbow flag. Uh-huh. With the Star of David. With the Star of David

on the flag. Yeah. And people complain. Are you of a gay persuasion? I get it all the time. No, he's not. I get it all the time. Okay, because it's slightly

the lilt in his voice. It's offensive that you were offended that I might be gay. What if I was, Andrew? We're still related. You assumed that I was offended. Wow. I'm just fascinated that he went from asking

if you had a boo to being certain that you were gay within two and a half minutes. No, I wasn't certain of either. I was neither. All you said was, I like to write articles on a rooftop, and he was like,

no, this guy's a quitter. This guy's definitely a quitter. I don't blame you for thinking that. There's a certain, you know, the lilt in his voice, but I neither, it's a certain rhythm of his voice. I neither thought that he was necessarily gay nor that she was necessarily his boo.

I'm inquiring. You might have to hunt me out with this, Tosh. So talk about the dykes hating the Jews. Well, I'll get to that, but I, did you grow up in New York, Andrew? I did. Because I had a question. I grew up in the suburbs

and there was no gay awareness. Now I'm older than you are, but back in the York, Andrew? I did. I had a question. I grew up in the suburbs, and there was no gay awareness. Now, I'm older than you are. That's correct. Yes. I can tell. Back in the 80s, we were completely clueless that people might actually be gay. Yeah, I agree. So I grew up in the East Village.

I thought in New York is it different. Manhattan. Yeah. My parents owned a dance studio. They would teach partner dancing. So I was very aware of homosexuality. Sheltered from homosexuality. Completely sheltered.

None of it. I didn't see it. And this was in the 90s, I guess? Yes, this was in the 90s. But in all seriousness, there was gays everywhere. And to be honest, my downstairs neighbor was gay and died from AIDS. Wow. Wow, that's a fun fact. Well, it was just interesting. Not a lot of people

know anybody who's died from AIDS, but we hear about it as an epidemic, but I was actually familiar that it could kill people, so I was very in tune with the fact that there were gay people and there was a disease that was afflicting them. So when you had sex with them, you were rough? Obviously. Thank you. Obviously. Holy mouth. I just remember in the 80s when my, even my teachers would make

gay cracks, and we didn't think anything of it. What do you mean they would make gay cracks? Well, like, for example, like, Your gym teacher. No, my, Mr. DeFeo, uh, my... You climbed that rope like a real quid, Adam. He might have said that. He wouldn't have been wrong. But, I mean,

in the stereotypical sense. But my English teacher in ninth grade, he used to, like, say to the young girls, like, hey, you look good today. And they would go,

Mr. DeFeo, you're such a perv. And he'd go, that's not perverted. If I said Dan looked good, that'd be perverted. So, in other words, he's basically saying being gay is a perversion. Without a he'd go, that's not perverted. If I said Dan looked good, that'd be perverted. So in other words, he's basically saying

being gay is a perversion. Without a doubt. Yeah, that's a suburban thing. And maybe that's a suburban thing. And I had a music teacher that there was a, there was a,

there was a, there was a department store called Two Guys that's no longer in existence. So I remember my music teacher said to me, hey Dan, I hear there's a store

named after your parents. Two Guys. And again, that's so bad. I kind of like teacher said to me, Dan, I hear there's a store named after your parents. Two guys. That's not bad. I kind of like that. And again, I'm just wondering if it's because... I don't think that would happen today. No, well, I think that... I mean, I'm sure people still make homophobic comments.

Has the show started yet, Phil? I think this is actually... I was just kidding. I was trying to add a little humor. But I don't think people... I think people would still make a homophobic comic, but the difference would be it would be like a huge deal. Like your parents would come into the school, your dad, sorry,

would come into the school to protest that. My two dads would come in. But they wouldn't probably make it because now people just know better. You don't say that shit. Yeah. It would be considered wrong now. But people still say it, but it would be like a huge, it would be like an article in the paper.

But people, I think, say it less. Yeah, I'm sure that people say it less. But I'm wondering if in New York City, in those days, they probably were aware that, you know... That, like, making gay jokes was wrong? Right. No. Oh, okay. I think that which kind of makes it even worse.

Because people are that aware of homosexuality but still making the cracks. So in a lot of ways, I guess you could say, yeah, we were more offensive. At least in the suburbs, you just didn't have gay people. So you're making fun of a group of people that don't exist. They would have been probably closeted. Do you remember Zorro the Gay Blade? Sounds familiar.

Yeah, it was like, what's his name? He's like one of the KFC guys. He's the really tan one. George Hamilton. Yeah. he's like one of the KFC guys he's the really tan one George Hamilton Zorro the Gayblade it's one of my dad's favorite movies and I'm listening go on he played a Zorro it's such a weird movie

it's like late 70's and he plays Zorro and he also plays his gay brother and his gay brother has to take over for him when he's gay and I remember watching as a kid and being like oh his gay brother and his gay brother has to take over for him when he's gay and I remember watching as a kid and being like oh this guy's the funnier brother like I had no idea that like oh no this

guy sucks cock but like I just like oh this guy's a lot more fabulous than the other brother and you watch the movie now it's still kind of funny but it's just the worst gay stereotypes you've ever seen in your entire life. But George Hamilton's actually great at it.

But I remember being in the Burbs of Chicago, I had no idea what gay was. I didn't know that was a thing. And I was just like, George Hamilton wears the flamboyant zero outfits. I didn't know that gay was a thing. I knew that there was such a thing as gay, but I didn't know it was associated with, hey. Right.

I don't think it was to the extent. I think that's kind of the modern gay man. So you think gay guys have gotten gayer? No, I just think... No, but I think that that's the stereotype in Hollywood. If you're going to cast a gay guy in a movie, he's going to have a line in the movie that is, hey. Right, right.

I think that's like a stereotype. Right, right, right. I remember my sister told me, the first time I learned what homosexuality was, my sister told me, and I just thought it was like, come on, nobody does that. I mean, to me, it was like, it was the phenomenon, like saying like a guy with a cyclops, you know. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't actually exist.

Right. I just thought it was the craziest thing I'd ever heard. I remember when we were younger, our gay jokes really weren't about, like, two guys butt-fucking each other. They were more about this stereotype, which is, like, the effeminate guy. Yes.

And now there's this term that's kind of gained popularity called cuck. Have you heard of this term? Yes. It's short for cuckold. Right. Well, that's, like, women that are, wait, they're married. No, it's a guy whose wife, he likes to watch his wife get fucked by another guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what's interesting about this term is it's kind of getting popular with the real far right, maybe the alt right even. But it's a very interesting term, I feel like, because it kind of encapsulates what we wanted when we were making gay jokes, right? It's just like a super beta male guy who would allow another guy to fuck him. And the best thing about the term is, you know, if you say the word, you know, fag or whatever like that, it's very offensive because people identify as gay. Nobody identifies as a cuck. So you could use this word without offending anybody.

But people don't use it in that context. Now, you could start to introduce it that way. People have been using it in a more political context. Well, now it's just like, if you're a pussy, you're a cuck. Ah, you're a cuck. I've heard it more in the context where the... You voted for Bernie Sanders, you cuck. Where the alt-right uses it for white people.

I want another example. Another one? Okay. What do you like? Healthcare, you cuck? Okay. I'm not dropping this in my vernacular. I just haven't heard it Used in that way Yeah

Skim milk You cuck It's a harsh Because it sounds like cock So it's kind of harsh It's got the two K's in there Lots of C It's a little too harsh

For my taste Just give it a try Throw it out there Well I'll do it On my own good time That sounds like a Cuck thing to say It's marinating

I'm seeing it coming out Phil Are you doing the brunch show again Did you know we had a brunch show Yeah I did That sounds like a cuck thing to say. It's marinating. I'm seeing it coming out. Phil, are you doing the brunch show again? Did you know we had a brunch show? I did. How was it? So good. It was really fun, yeah.

We're bringing this around like stereotypical gay thing brunch. Okay, whatever. But we all love brunch. Yeah, I love a brunch. We all love air supply and brunch. I'm a cuck, though. Yeah, no, the brunch shows have been great. Are they eating a lot during the show? That would be my biggest concern

No, I think, I've been going on late We have brunch, the comics have brunch at the table Which is delightful, and people have a couple Mimosas And then, yeah, the crowds have been gangbusters They drink, I know they're certainly drinking during the day But are they eating eggs and like Elaborate

I have not noticed, I have not noticed So I would say that's not a problem. No. The one thing, I did a brunch show once and I must say, I didn't feel the audience was that great. In addition to which, it wasn't full. Liz, I don't know if we could get Liz, the manager, to see it. Let's get Liz on the mic.

Liz, now I've noticed the brunch shows have not been full. Is that because we're not accepting, we're not overbooking enough, do you think? We're not overbooking the brunch shows because people need room to eat. So they eat before. They come in, they eat before. I'm 100% supportive of this eating before thing. I thought you're eating this elaborate brunch thing. No, I mean, there is like an elaborate brunch meal.

During the show. Yeah, I mean, they can, but they've already been there for half an hour before the show starts, so they've eaten. This I'm okay with. And we have a DJ, and it's like, you know, it's like a party. They're loaded with eggs and burping mimosas. It's been great. And mimosas.

It's a party. I'm fine if the food is ingested before. Bagatelle brunch. Bagatelle brunch. Bagatelle comedy brunch. Do we know what bagatelle... I think it's fine. I don't know what it is.

Now, you know your cousin. Explain to them what bagatelle brunch is. It's a party. It's just like a party. No, it's a party. It's like a party brunch atmosphere. People are buying bottles. There's fucking champagne things going on.

Bill, you know your cousin better than I do. Is he a brunch act? Is he a brunch kind of a guy? Schultz? No. Yeah, you would be a brunch act. No. No.

No. No. There's some acts that I do. Oh, wait. What's a brunch act? You think. So what's a brunch act? You think Schultz is a brunch act? Well, like, what kind of comic would be a brunch act? I don't even understand this.

People that aren't going to upset 48% of the audience. Yeah. So basically, they offend more easily. No, I think Schultz offends more easily. You offend people, right? He offends me about looking at them, but... I've realized what this is about. What?

It's a way for me to trust the laugh. So it's like, I know what to say for you to laugh. I know the way. Men are so dumb. And then you laugh. But if I piss you off with the premise and still get you to laugh at it, then I can go, oh, you really thought that was funny. You're not laughing because you agree with this politically or because whatever.

So, yeah, it's just a way for me to trust humans. It's often my relationship with humans in a lot of ways. It's like I piss you off initially and then after, you're like, oh, I hated you at first, but I like you now. But it's a way to trust your emotions. I listen to a monkey talk about humans.

The thing about Schultz is in a lot of comics, this applies to a lot of comics, Schultz looks like a frat boy. Yeah. So he gets up on stage, and the girls are like, fuck him, you know,

because he's going to fuck me and not call the next day. Well, they've also seen him on, like, all the MTV shit and all of that, too. So they have that preconceived notion. Well, their kids saw them on MTV. Their teenage kids.

Yeah, maybe not a 40-year-old female. No, I think a lot of members of the audience know Schultz from his MTV stuff. Most of them grew up watching those shows. How well-known is Schultz? I'm in my bubble here. In the MTV generation. I don't know if Schultz is...

How long did you do those? I thought that was in the last few years. I did those. I haven't done them maybe in a few years, but Girl Code and Guy Code, I think I did those maybe starting about five years ago. Okay, that would make sense. I love them. I watch them because I am, but I liked them. Those shows.

I don't get it. It was interesting. Those shows were, this is like laundry, like do your laundry television, right? They're just on constantly rerunning. So people watch them But everybody watched them For whatever reason, guy quote unquote incredibly popular For these kids anywhere from 16 to like mid-20s And then these 16 to mid-20 kids

Became college kids And then became 30 year olds So it's just this thing that was very popular It's interesting, I've been on TV for the last 5 years There's a complete difference between being on a hit show And being on a show I was on Benders on IFC, nobody watched it It was like not being on TV at all

I was on Guy Codd on MTV too And it's just unbelievable The amount of people that watch it It's just crazy But here's a guy that got laid anyway And so the TV is just The TV is just Icing on the cake for him

I need TV I didn't do it to get laid. I've never done comedy to get laid. You didn't need it. Correct. I think in a way it's more honest that way because now I'm not doing jokes so that I can fuck a girl after the show. I'll do a joke that might make a girl not want to fuck me after the show. I do jokes so I can make love after the show.

Now, look, that's an interesting topic. I'm not as mature as Bill. It's an interesting topic about comics trying to be cool versus trying to be funny. Now, I will always err on the side of funny, but it does enter my mind. I recently wrote a joke where my back hurts. And so when I get up, it's like, ah, you know, after I'm sitting down for a while. So that's not the joke, but that's the premise.

I'm already hard, by the way. But the point is, okay, the joke is funny. People are laughing. But obviously, it's the premise. I'm already hard, by the way. But the point is, okay, the joke is funny, people are laughing, but obviously it's not sexy. No, that is not sexy. Okay, to be an old fool with a bad back. But I err on the side of funny because that's what I do. But there are comics that err on the

side of cool. I err on the side of funny. I would hope we all err on the side of funny. I would really hope everybody is on the side of funny. I would hope everybody errs on the side of funny. Your shirt really hope everybody. I would hope everybody airs on the side of funny. Your shirt airs on the side of sexy, though. I got to say, that is one sexy fucking shirt. And that one button precariously off. Honestly, you're like a Jewish Enrique Iglesias.

In any case. A lot of it's going on there. I got Dan's back on this one. I don't think it's sexy. What's that? Fish just said that Jewish negates the compliment. Apparently, Fish is a self-hating Jew that doesn't feel Jews can be sexy.

Yeah, I disagree when I look at Fish. Hey, there's a march in Chicago for you, buddy. Apparently, there is a Jewish march. Are you guys first cousins? I don't see a tremendous resemblance. Our, Wait, our God, we had to describe this on serious Our

Our fathers are cousins So we're second cousins That would be second cousins Yep And that's how long it took me I didn't know him before I didn't know him before I think I met you the first time

We met one time when We met apparently at that Evanston reunion When you were like 10. Right in Chicago a long time ago. But then the first time was here. Even then he got checks. He had braces on. No braces.

Unfortunately, we were all related to the people he was having sex with. But it was a good reunion. You got to keep it in the family. It fits better. And then we didn't see each other after that for 20 years. Years, years, years. Well, second cousin. Most people don't really know that.

I mean, I know a couple of my second cousins. But by that time... I've learned the hardware a couple of times. But you're from a small town in Canada where maybe everybody's related. No, I don't know. I don't think I've ever met a second cousin. How small? Your town probably is named Hanley.

There is a Hanley, Saskatchewan. There is a Hanley. I did not live there. Where are you from in Canada? From Oshawa, which is like 300,000 people. That's not small. Which province is that? Ontario.

It's a suburb of Toronto. Oh, okay. But I started comedy in Vancouver. My family lives in Vancouver. I always thought you were West Coast. Yeah, well, I started comedy there. You elected. Now, they elected a prime minister that apparently all the girls want to suck this guy's cock.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah, there's a referendum about it. Now I am becoming gay, just thinking about Trudeau. There's a referendum about Justin Trudeau? No, I was kidding. I was tagging your oral sex joke. My bad.

My bad. Here's the thing. I'm juggling. I'm playing like I'm a one-man band here. I got three people. I got this soft-spoken Canadian-wise in my house. Am I soft-spoken? I got a one-man band here. I got three people. I got this soft-spoken Canadian-wise. Am I soft-spoken? I got a journalist. He's a shit.

He's trustworthy. He's a dad in Disney World. I got this frat boy who I always found really interesting. Grew up in a dance studio. That's a sitcom right there. It's so interesting. I'm the antithesis of a frat. I didn't join a frat in college.

I grew up in a dance studio, yet my physique, I guess, makes me a frat. Well, you got the best of both worlds because girls are like, well, he's hot, but he's really sensitive. No, Schultz is not sensitive. I don't know about that. Oh, but this Schultz is. Okay? And I'm single, ladies.

Throwing it out there. My point about Trudeau. I see them. I'm single ladies throwing it out there. My point about Trudeau... I see them. I'm present. And mindful. My point about Trudeau real quickly is he... I had a joke about

how nobody knows who the Prime Minister of Canada is. That was a great bit. It was a good bit. Oh, it's down the window? Wow. Now that joke's out the window

because they elected Mr. Handsome and now everybody knows who he is because apparently Ivanka Trump was like crushing on him at the White House.

So go do Prime Minister of England or something like that. The joke works better with Canada. Not anymore. No, I had to throw that joke out. Lucky for me. What a bummer. That was a good joke.

It was a good joke. Switch it to England. I got out of the jokes. Now my joke is, oh, Trudeau's the opposite of Trump. The girls are grabbing his crotch. It's not as good a joke, but it's okay. I like it. But Bill Schultz likes it.

What does Bill Schultz like?. But Bill Schultz likes it. What does Bill Schultz like? No, Bill Schultz like it. I like talking to a third person. Now, Bill, what are you doing now? You don't work for Stuff? You don't work for Red Eye because it's off the air? I'm awesome is what I'm doing. It's always impressive whenever I see Andrew because he's like, how are you doing, man? I'm like, still sleeping on my couch.

I have a roommate. Yeah, I'm freelance writing. I got an awesome column in the New York Times on museums, which means that no one reads my column in the New York Times. You do a weekly column on museums? No, it's monthly. I wish to be the weekly

on museums. Well, congrats. That's big. New York Times is good. No, it's pathetic. Well, as a video, I'm like, long story short, I'm killing it. Hell of a York Times is good. No, it's pathetic. Well, as an idiot. Long story short, I'm killing it. Hell of a 10. By the way, I need a borrowed grant. I got you, baby. I got you.

Anytime you need. Does the family brag about Andrew Schultz? Yes, they do. Absolutely. That's not true. My family's very conservative. Like, it's depressing. Is there a show called Parent Code?

Parent Code. Parent Code. Thank you. No, but Gantt Code is coming out. How about Gantt Cousin Code? I could do that.. No, but gate code is coming out. How about dead because of code? I can do that, yeah. Again, I need that grant. What about Bill Cosby?

Why don't we discuss him? What's going on with Bill? He was acquitted? I believe he was acquitted and he's planning some tour. Yeah, he's going to teach people how not to get... I read that that tour has been... He cancelled the tour. Oh, really? Seems like a bad idea. What about the fact

that Bill Cosby has been raping... It is a brilliant idea. Allegedly. It's how to teach people how to not get caught up in sexual assault accusations. Okay, and that's not a bad idea. So you're doubling down on your innocence.

It's kind of brilliant when you think about it from a PR perspective for him. No one believes his innocence. The 10 jurors did or the 12 jurors did. The most important people did. Well, it was... Wasn't it like a hung jury?

It was a hung, so the jury was split. So six people did. Enough. I actually think it was two. And the jury was only deciding on a particular incident, whereas he's had many accusations, but the statute of limitations has run out, so they couldn't, they weren't judging.

Why is there a statute of limitations on rape? That's the oddest thing. Well, there's a statute of limitations on everything. Yeah, I understand burglary. I understand. Does it vary, the crime? Well, I think the statute of limitations, what it is is the statute of limitations. So like a misdemeanor, the statute of limitations is everything. Yeah, I understand burglary. I understand... Does it vary, the crime? Well, I think the statute of limitations... What it is is...

So, like, a misdemeanor, the statute of limitations is very short. If murder, there's no statute of limitations. You murder someone in the 50s, they can still get you. I could do some time for some of these shows I've been doing down here. I think the statute...

Kill him! Kill him! Who was in that house? Oh! I think the reason for the statute of limitations... I have a law degree, but I was never a lawyer. But if memory serves from law school, it's to encourage people not to wait forever to pursue a legal action. Because the longer it goes, the more difficult it becomes evidentiary to get proof and all that.

I would assume part of that is also like you could do something if the person becomes successful and you feel like you could take some money from them. Exactly. I would assume that's part of it as well. Well, I mean, that might be. Although in Bill Cosby's case, he's been successful the whole time. But what about the fact that Bill Cosby's been raping now, allegedly, for 30, 40 years? He's 80 years old. He's blind.

He can barely move. As far as I'm concerned, he won. He got away with it. He's the greatest rapist of all time. Even if he goes to jail for a year. That would mean a lot to him. Absolutely. If you're a rapist, you identify.

But if he goes to jail, let's say it's a life sentence, he's going to serve two years of that, tops. Right? So he raped 50 girls and got two years in jail. He'll die within two years, guaranteed. If they send him to jail. If they even send him to jail. But let's say they do. Let's say he does get sent away.

Any rapist would take that deal. Yes, absolutely. 50 girls become multi-multi-millionaire, live the life that you want raping, and then just spend two years when you're blind in jail? He got away with it. Fuck him. By the way, if Bill Cosby ever did

some sort of new bullshit fatherhood type book, I want one of the reviews from Andrew Schultz to be, you know what? He's the greatest rapist of all time. Listen. Andrew Schultz. Well, no, the greatest rapist of all time is someone we've never even heard of.

Actually, that's a, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ryan Hamilton is the greatest rapist of all time. Whoa. Whoa, easy. I'm just saying. Retract that, please. Can you retract that? Retract.

I'm retracting it, but I'm saying if he were... Are we all cucks here at this table, or comedians? Ryan Hamilton. Acting statement? Of course Ryan didn't do it. Obviously Ryan didn't do it, but if he did do it, it would be like, oh my God, this guy... That's why the joke's funny. That's why it's funny.

I don't have to explain it. But anyway. You're explaining humor now. You know, I don't know... At the back table of the cellar. I don't know if it hits, but... It's funnier... Hillary won, I guess.

It's funnier if you know who Ryan Hamilton is, which not all of our listeners do, but Google him and you will know what I mean. He's the cleanest comic working today. And a complete gentleman. And he has a lawsuit against Dan Natterman.

Ryan can kill in any environment without changing his act at all. There's very few comics that can do that. True. I've seen him hood show, murder. Preppy show, murder. Corporate, murder. It doesn't matter where it is,

the act doesn't change. He murders in every single place. The thing about Ryan is not only is he clean, but it's real. He lives that way. So genuine. It's not just like I'm making a decision to be clean because I think I can get more work that way.

That's what I do. I think he's so brilliant. He's genuine. It's not just like I'm making a decision to be clean because I think I can get more work that way. Uh-huh. That's what I do. I think he's so brilliant. He's one of my favorites. Unbelievable. Well, he's great. He's very good. Great.

I'm from Idaho, which New Yorkers are the worst. What's that? You can't even tell a New Yorker where you're from. Where are you from? Ugh, you're from another place? How do you live? How do you live in another place? This is my favorite.

New Yorkers say this kind of thing. I could never live anywhere else. Oh, I could never. Do you hear New Yorkers say that? The burden of living in another place. Oh. How? How do you do it? I could never live anywhere else.

I think you could. I really think you could. I think if you used all your faculties and skills and really focused, you know, you might survive in a condo in Denver. You know? I can never This is the only place I have an identity

The only place you feel comfy Is every other street corner There's a shattered man and nobody cares That's where I feel most at home I could never live anywhere else. But Ryan, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. If you can make it here,

you can make it anywhere. I'm sorry, that's not true. I mean, what kind of assumptions are you jumping to? The audacity of that statement. I'm from a town of a thousand people in Idaho. Do you think New Yorkers could make it there? I don't. They couldn't make it there.

What happened? I don't know. He wandered off looking for gluten-free cupcakes. Where are they? They're supposed to be right here. They're not right here. They're always right here. They need my cupcakes.

Three days later, we found a body. Turns out he couldn't make it here. Have you actually had gigs where you've had to really censor yourself? Oh, yeah. And how's it go? I mean, it depends how filthy... If you're a dirty comic, then you're going to really censor yourself? Oh, yeah. And how does it go? I mean, it depends how filthy... If you're a dirty comic, then you're going to really struggle. I mean, I don't really swear. I'm fairly clean myself, so it's not a big deal.

But you talk to a comic that's like a club comic that swears and stuff like that, a corporate gig is going to be nerve-wracking. What about your subject material isn't completely clean? No, I talk about sex and stuff like that. I just wouldn't drop an F-bomb for no reason. So they care more about language than they do about topics. Yeah, what I say if I'm going into a corporate,

I would say, can I say anything that they would air on TV? I don't think I really have a joke on my act that they wouldn't put on TV, like late night. And they're always like, well, I don't do a ton of corporates. Sometimes they don't know what they want. They'll just say, do your thing, but your thing might be too much for them. And I've switched it up on the fly, too. Like, if you do one joke that's, like, about

sex, and it doesn't hit, then I'm like, I'm going to do a chunk. You don't start with the Bukkake humor. You start, right? So you start with... Old rule of show business. Bukkake humor. You start with, I did a raw dog. And if they love that,

then maybe. Then maybe. And I say maybe, Bill Schultz. Then maybe you hit him with a Bukkake joke. Only if they like the raw dog joke. And even then. I feel like there's a space between raw dog and Bukkake. Colleges are corporates. What's more profitable?

Well, I don't really do colleges. Corporates, I think. I don't think anyone does colleges. Oh, yeah. Corporates for sure. I've done some colleges, but you think corporates? Yeah. I mean, if you are like a huge name and you do a college, I'm sure you get lots of money.

So, yeah. But you also get lots of money at corporates if you're a huge name. The worse the environment, the more money you make in the corporate. Like, if it's kind of the higher stakes, you get more dough. I feel like with corporates, usually $10,000 is pretty normal, right? No. Are you kidding me? Are you saying that just to piss me off?

Because that's not what I get. I honestly can't tell if you're kidding. Look, for a college, I would say... Well, this is obviously what Schultz is getting. No, for a college, I would say between $5,000 and $7,500 would be normal for me. But for a corporate, I mean, I don't want to talk about Hamilton's money, but he's told me he's gotten some exorbitant amounts, much more than I'm making at colleges.

And Hamilton is not like a household name. I hate everything. No, he's not. No, he's not. When he does become one, I'm sure that will even rise much higher. So I assume corporates make a lot of money. Well, I have gotten $7,500 at the most once in your home country in Saskatchewan. Oh, you told me about that gig.

I got a $7,500 gig. But my normal would be less, about $5,000. Yeah. Right. I don't get often, but if I do, it's usually in that range. That's still pretty great. But I don't get it all the time, Bill. What about the Jewish gigs?. What about the Jewish gigs?

Do you do the Jewish gigs? The amount of research I do per a stupid $500 article. That's true. And I hate all of you, is what it comes down to. And I hate myself. Do you think it's your attitude that's holding you back? That and the alcoholism. Well, but Bill, I don't do it very often.

And last week I was on a cruise ship, which is a gig that nobody wants to do. But I had nothing else on my schedule. So I did the cruise ship. Have you done a cruise ship, Andrew? Never done a cruise ship. That sounds like hell to me. Would you ever do a cruise ship or would you do one of those like theme cruise ships? Like impractical Joker type things?

Yeah, I'm not against it. My issue with the cruise is similar to like what it is with doing a casino. Is that I'm not big enough for these people to come out to see me. So they're just going to see me to take a break from gambling, from losing money, essentially. Nobody's going to be making money and then stop, right? And I like to challenge an audience, right? So it's like like these people don't

want to be challenged you're on vacation you're on a fucking crew like i don't want you to make me think differently about the world in any single way just make me laugh for a little bit so i just feel like it's a bad environment for me whenever i'm in those gigs so i think i would just do horribly see i disagree with you every time i go to foxwoods i look at people i'm just like they're waiting for their minds to be changed. When they are by when they're playing roulette and they're hooked up to their empathy machines, they're just waiting to have their mind blown.

Ooh, this is a perfect segue, by the way. I do a lot of rough segues on this show. Yeah, so far you might have noticed. But here's a segue that's smooth as silk. This is a real... Can I ask real quick? You might ruin the segue. I just want to ask one question.

Is there a reason you decided not to do the cruises? It's just... Like, I do corporates sometimes. I do colleges sometimes. Corporates are just really unappealing. I mean, maybe... Cruises, you're saying. Cruises, sorry.

Could you see Manly Hanley on a cruise? Honestly, I could... Literally. Like, knowing him as a human being. I think you could do well. I don't think that you would do poorly. I think I could get through it. I think I could pick the right material.

But just the idea of being so away on a boat for a week is really unappealing. Is it stigma, too? There's a stigma in comedy with cruises that it's like you've given up or you've lost. Yes, there is. There is a stigma. I feel, and I may be delusional in this regard, I feel that my reputation is solid enough to withstand a cruise. I would agree with that. I can say I did a cruise.

It is for me. Just like you, Andrew Schultz, you could say that you enjoy Taylor Swift, and no one's going to say, oh, the guy's gay, because your manly reputation is so great. It is a little cockish of me, but I do enjoy Taylor Swift. Oh, wow. We're all moving up. If I admitted, no. It is a little cockish of me, but I do enjoy Taylor Swift. Oh, wow. It came from a dance background.

I have a soft side to me. But again, Taylor Swift is not a dancer. I mean, she's a talented treasure, but I don't think she's a dancer. Well, I'd like to lick her asshole. Anybody else? Okay, moving on. This segue is perfect.

Although, doesn't Taylor Swift kind of look like the girl you have right before you come out? Like, I remember a lot of guys. I went to Emerson College. No, it's not. But, like, I went to Emerson College. And all the guys, like, it's like poor man's NYU. Right. And all of the musical theater majors that were straight in freshman year,

they dated girls that looked like Taylor Swift, that were kind of boyish, kind of cute, and in sophomore year they came out as gay. Oh, really? Yeah, and that's kind of how I look at Taylor Swift. Well, I never thought of that. Is there anything you want to tell us? No, not at all.

I think Taylor Swift is absolutely terrible. I never dated Taylor Swift. I'm just saying I enjoy... You never go out of style. We never... I like that song. I used to. And we were talking about gambling

at the casino shows, and that brings up the topic, and this was going to be a great segue. This was the segue. Is the Vegas room, the comedy cellar and regular listeners of the show know that there's a, we may be, I say we, but the comedy cellar may be opening a room in Las Vegas. And it seems like I saw, you didn't know?

No, which one? Yeah, man. Which one? Brunch shows. Just brunch shows. So you're not going to get a lot of buzz. Which casino? The Rio.

The Rio. The Rio. The Rio. Why the one off the strip? Now, when I saw George. You guys need to be in the cosmopolitan. We'll work that deal out, Schultz. But anyway, I know. Let me talk to some people.

Liz, true or false, you are directly involved in this enterprise. What is she not directly involved in? I think she's. This is the aorta. I think Liz is like a partner or something. Well, you know, we'll see what happens. But is it? Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. Get them checks, Liz. Get them checks, Liz. Okay. Got your master's degree for a reason. Thank you. Thank you. So where are we now?

Like, Noam, the last time I spoke to Noam said, ah, 80% chance it's going to happen. I think it's still 80% chance. I think that George, you know, we just, if it's 80% chance, you still need to be prepared if it's 100%. Yeah. Let's put it this way. George seems to think it's a go. 80% chance you bring an umbrella. Right?

Exactly. Thank you. Thank you, Phil Hanley. Well, thanks for the meteorological way of looking at things. I'm just trying to give it a different angle to the podcast. I got to go. Okay. Bye, Liz.

Love you. Yeah, bye. Where are you going? Are you going to Vegas? Yeah different angle to the podcast. I gotta go. Are you serious? I love you. Yeah, bye. Where are you going? I gotta go around the corner. Are you going to Vegas? Yeah, right now. Well, it's just as well you're leaving because we're going to talk about money now.

And I want to know what would it take to get Andrew Schultz to Las Vegas for a comedy seller show, say a week show, a full week, say two shows a night, 15, 20 minutes. So the shows are easy. Oh, 15, 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah, obviously.

It's going to be just like the seller. They're going to fly three or four or five of us out there. So the shows are easy. Oh, 15, 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah, obviously. It's going to be just like The Cellar. They're going to fly three or four or five of us out there. So it'll be like a Cellar show, a showcase show. And you'll be out there hopefully with some friends of yours. I'll be honest with you, I would... I shouldn't bargain this down, but the experience could be just so much fun.

I enjoy Vegas. I think it's fun, especially if you have some good guys with you. You don't like Vegas? I hate Vegas. Oh, you said ugh. I would go out for a very reasonable fee, I think it's fun, especially if you have some good guys with you. You don't like Vegas. I hate Vegas. Oh, you said ugh. I would go out for a very reasonable fee, I think. I mean, I'd go out there for a reasonable fee. I mean, you need to fly me out. You need to put me up in a hotel. And say we give you $1,200 for the week.

I mean, you could do more than $1,200. Yeah, you could afford more than $1,200, dude. I'm just saying, would you do it for 12? I just think it's a weird business model to send five guys out. It just doesn't seem viable. Or four guys. Well, four girls. Four guys or girls.

Come on, guys. That's true. The number I heard from Noam was higher than that. I don't want to get into exact numbers. It was well higher. If you want to do that, I'm not saying don't do it. Is it cost effective? That's the question.

Well, they'll find out. I mean, they've crunched the numbers. Noam's crunched the numbers. He seems to think it could work if they fill the room up. I could see it being really popular. I mean, people stop now to get the picture of the sign. It's like a tourist attraction. Yeah, I mean, the question is how...

It should be in New York, New York. And the thing... Ideally, it should be in New York, New York. It's a tourist attraction, but it's also an attraction. Yeah, I mean, the question is, is how... It should be in New York, New York. And the thing... Ideally, it should be in New York, New York. It's a tourist attraction, but it's also an attraction for people, like true comedy fans.

Of course. Can you think of another tourist attraction that's also for like the connoisseur? And you're getting the real New York comics to go. Yeah, totally.

You know, it could be like, you know how the Japanese go to Hawaii to get an experience of America, but it's close. But it's close. Right?

Or I'm sure they do the same thing in Vancouver. Yeah, yeah. Maybe this is what we could do for people on the West Coast. Instead of flying all the way over to New York to go to the cellar, boom, Vegas for the weekend. Create the exact same environment, same tables. The question is also how big is the Comedy Cellar name outside of our little world? I think it's big.

That's why people come from like, you see people now are at the shows during the week from of our little world. I think it's big. That's why people come from like, you see people now are at the shows during the week from all over the world. Yeah. And then people stop constantly all night and take pictures of the sign. And they're not even coming to the show. It's like a monument now.

You actually like Vegas? Because I don't love Vegas. I don't love Vegas. I was going there with some people I liked. I like it with friends. I think it's a lot of fun with friends. I got to run to a basketball game. Okay.

He's got to go. That's why we booked two Schultzes in case one left. We have a spare. Now we've got the lesser Schultz. I apologize. Killing it, Natterman. Killing it. Thank you, Andrew.

I'm always intimidated when Andrew's around because he's a real alpha male. I'm a real cuck. Okay. If there's one thing we learned. Well, I didn't know that beforehand He's looking very cuckled While he's leaving right now For the people who can't get the visual

I don't feel bad about Well Hanley what do you think of Vegas I'm not a huge Vegas fan Because I find it to be a pain in the ass Like if you forget something in your room And then it's like a 25 minute walk Back to your room Like I hate that everything you do You have to go through the casino I just I don't know And you get lost in it And and then it's like a 25 minute walk back to your room. Like I hate that everything you do

you have to go through the casino. I just, I don't know. And you get lost in it and it's set up that way. It's awful. And also I don't gamble.

Like it's not. Pete Holmes, do you, anyway, Pete Holmes just walked in. I was wondering if he wanted to say a few words.

But to Pete Holmes. Well, never mind. You want to sit down? This is Bill's girlfriend. This is Natasha Delano. She's a high-powered executive at iHeart Media. At iHeart Media.

iHeart Radio, yes. iHeart. I'm familiar with radio. I think they play me on iHeart Radio. Steve, could you see if maybe Pete Holmes... Steve? Calabria? Could you see if maybe Pete Holmes... Steve? Calabria? Could you see if maybe...

He's visibly ignoring you. If Pete Holmes maybe wants to sit down for a second or two... Get Keith. Or Keith? Or... Okay, Pete Holmes, everybody, from Crashing. The HBO television show Crashing is... It's great.

He's wandering over here slowly. I hate to put him in a weird position and ask him to be on the show because he probably feels obligated. No, Pete, over here. Over here. You know what's funny, Natterman? Yeah, go ahead.

I've written so many scenes for Crashing that you're in that you'll never see. I mean, you will see some of them, but things that get cut and stuff. And it's just like burns on you. I love writing a good Natterman burn. Well, you mean, by burn, you mean you're insulting me. No, not insulting, just kind of like you're a fun guy to razz with.

You just wrote some roast jokes for us, late night jokes for us. Obviously, we love you on the show. Do you need more of those jokes, by the way? I think so. Okay, because I sent these jokes over, but they need jokes for crashing, and I sent a few over, and I didn't get a response. Like, oh, we need more.

These suck. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know this was a networking podcast. I got nothing to offer. That's the kind of wit we could use on the show. I just do crappy articles for Latinx. For what now? Anyway, no, they've been very nice to me.

They've been very nice to me. No, I opened on the wrong foot. I didn't mean I'm always making fun of you. for Latinx. For what now? Anyway, no, they've been very nice to me. They've been very nice to me. No, I opened on the wrong foot. I didn't mean I'm always making fun of you. I imagine that I'm hanging out with you more than I actually hang out with you.

That's what I meant. No, that's fine. I wouldn't insult you anyway because they're being very nice to me on Crash. You're great on the show. Greer's been great on the show. That Greer scene was...

Get an Emmy. He's amazing. Yeah. He's got that... I couldn't insult Judd Apatow even if I wanted to right now. I wouldn't want to. Not around me you can't do.

I hate your success. Say Judd Apatow did something I didn't like. I couldn't say shit. Pete, it's by the way nice to finally meet you. Nice to meet you. I'm a buddy with Joe DeRosa. Oh, okay. So it is a networking podcast.

He's on a date right now. I know. I invited him to come hang out like the old days. We'd get a shithouse here and wish we could perform. And who are you? Have we met? Is this going to be one of those? She's from iHeartRadio.

iHeartRadio. I've known this fella, the better of the Schultzes. Thank you for calling me a fella. Well, I think all Schultzes have their own quality. Caliber of awesomeness? Yeah, I think this one's like really beyond. I'm the failure, Andrew is the success. That's the quality.

That was a dynamic. But you're a failure in journalism, which means that's an honorable sort of a failure. Thanks, thanks. I wish I was a plumber. You're in the Times? Picasso didn't make money. I'm working on a hard-hitting one.

Everything you say makes me laugh. Are you in the Times? He does a monthly article on museums. I mean museums. Is that right? I hate to do this, but I had a bit about I hate pretending that I like museums. I'm not going to do it.

I'm just saying you should Google it. I had a bit about I hate pretending that I like museums. I'm not going to do it. No, no. I'm just saying you should Google it. I'm a video fan. You know what? I went to a museum once with a young lady. It was a date. It came time. Well, it wasn't a date, but it came time to. I like museums.

For the, you know, at the museums in New York, the entry fee is whatever you want. Yeah. So it's $20 suggested, but you don't have to give $20. But if you're trying to get laid, you kind of got to give $20. Yeah, yeah. How much money did you get? Don't skimp on the plastic clear box. Or you won't get any fleshy opaque box.

Unless she's like looking in another direction. Well, brown's opaque. It just means not, you're right to think that I was leaning towards a white woman, but not always. Well, brown's opaque. It just means not... You're right to think that I was leaning towards a white woman, but not always. I like it when we can expose Holmes as a racist. That would be a skit. Holmes, can we talk briefly about

how, if at all... What's that? Yeah, women's vaginas. What's going on? I sometimes make fun of them on stage and I'm like, ladies, don't back away. You know better than us. They're weird. That's a strange appendage.

I said, like, we used to watch scrambled porn when I was a kid, like, on a cable channel you didn't have. I was like, I've never seen a vagina that doesn't look scrambled. Like, they always look like somebody just messed it up. I've never seen a hot tube vagina. Some are certainly nicer than others.

Some are quite lovely. Yeah, but dicks can take more wacky turns than vaginas. Did you... Is that true? Do you agree with that? You're saying dicks can... I'm saying there's more audibles to be called with a penis. If only we had a woman here to ask. Yeah, no, I totally agree with that.

Imagine if vaginas had balls. I mean, they could. See, I started talking like Dan. Imagine if vaginas had balls. I mean, they could. See, I started talking like Dan. Imagine if vaginas had balls. What happened with the gallery girl? Oh, you know what? Well, we were going up at the... Oh, it's a suggested $20 or whatever it was, and maybe I could have

asked her to look in another direction, like, hey, what's that over there? And then slip a 10 and say, okay, it's good. What'd you do? I paid the full freight. Nice. I still didn't get any, though. Which museum? Turns out we were just friends.

And just friends means I should have given $5. Welcome to my world. This was the Metropolitan Museum, I believe, which bored the shit out of me. It's not that great. I'm sitting there

looking at these paintings. I'm sitting there looking at these paintings like, oh, hmm. Too much Egypt. I'm sitting there looking at these paintings like, oh. Too much Egypt. I really. Too much Egypt. Is that all of Egypt?

It's like a yard sale. You can leave with. It shows how much we raped them. And I like it. That's like when we're like. That's when we're an empire. I like the arms and armor. Just like armor.

Oh, I like that. Yep. That's why you can get laid right there. Did you say that? Arms and armor. I tried to pretend that I like the arms and armor, just like armor. Oh, I like that. Yep. That's why you can get laid right there. Did you say that? Arms and armor. No, I tried to pretend that I like the fine art, but let's be honest about it, I don't. Pete Holmes, has your life changed at all since crashing got on the air? You know, again, we live in our bubble here. I don't know how popular it is and whether you're being noticed on the street and so on.

My dad sometimes asks what the ratings are and stuff, and I don't know. I don't know. I do know, but I don't remember. It's doing good. It's doing very well. And you're being recognized on the street? Yes, I was walking with Birbiglia. We did spots here, and I walked, and he got so mad that I would get recognized a lot.

Was he really mad? It was a particularly, like, heavy day. On this street? Yeah, on this street, and then we walked up to 14th. It's, like, heavy NYU. You street? Yeah, on this street and then we walked up to 14th. It's like heavy NYU. You know, it's a certain it's neighborhoods will spot you, not people. Neighborhoods notice you. Okay, but you're in New York City. What if you say we're in

Ottumwa, Iowa, home of Radar O'Reilly? I would be surprised. I think a Sikh noticed me. I looked at you, Brown. I think a Sikh noticed me on the way over. And I gave him I know. No, but I'm also like bragging that I know what a Sikh is. That's kind of cool. I'm a Sikh noticed me on the way over. Again, exposing racism. And I gave him, I know. No, but I'm also bragging that I know what a Sikh is. That's kind of cool. I'm also bragging about how brown he is.

Wait, you're Hindu, right? She's not Sikh. I am. Yes. But around your neck, you're wearing what looks to be a Palestinian. Yeah, but everybody wears those. I mean, I'm not a terrorist, if that's what you're getting at. Everybody wears those now.

And I actually gave that to her. Okay. It was one night, one night only, but... But I was... It was mine. The Sikh smiled at me real broad, and I wanted to say, please tell me I have a Sikh fan.

But he had earphones in. But it made me really happy. Yeah. If I can get an old person, a black woman, an old Sikh, these are the ones I want. Young white males. You've got a little age in you.

I'm just kidding. You're finishing up this summer. You're finishing up season two, taping season two. Yeah. Do we know yet if there's going to be a season three? No. I mean, we just found out that there's season two, basically.

But I mean, sure hope, sure planning on it. Writing season two as if there'll be a season three. So touch wood. In other words, cliffhangers at the end of every show. Will Dan Natterman, whatever. Yes. Well, I mean, you're in it. I'm excited.

I don't know if you've seen... I haven't seen the script. Pages. I haven't seen the script. Use the industry term, pages. Oh, I never heard that term. I haven't seen the script. I look forward to it.

Well, you're barely in the industry. I just wanted to burn you. I wanted to burn you. This is my first real role, by the way, because I've done, you know, over the years, I've done a few things here and there, but I'm always like one-line Charlie. Well, you do your... A lot of great comics and actors get stuck in one-line Charlies.

We're trying to fix that. Will you please tell these people – you never do it, the bit about how your life is like a basketball game? What bit is that? I don't even know that bit. See, you don't even do it. This is my secret power. I remember – I go up to, like, Doug, David, I'm like, remember that? Part of me thinks it's...

I'll do it. I'll do it. Football. It's basketball. No, football halftime. I'm sure it's basketball. You think halftime? I'm pretty sure it's basketball.

No, halftime. And it goes bad in the second half. That's football. You couldn't... What's the bit? Can you do the bit? The bit is... Okay, at least you remember it.

That life is like a football game. And it all goes bad in the second half. And in the second half, you're going to lose. Because that's when life puts in its best players and life is like chicken box. Get on the bench. Heart attack. Get out there. Let's have some hustle. This is when the Hindu should chime in and go, is death really a failure or is it part of life?

What's that? We make sure that we can take care of all of you guys. Speak into the mic, please. I heart speaking into the mic much? Hello? I held on to that one. I had that in my background.

Since you said I'm an I heart, I was like, I'm going to hold on to it. Racism in America, now that we have you here. Yes. As a person that might be confused with a Muslim, given your complexion. Correct. Have you felt Islamophobia? Absolutely. Absolutely.

And how so? Well, so I was born and raised here. American is apple pie. Yes, completely, because it's mixed with curry. Or the Hindu equivalent, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I like a little heat. A lot of spice.

A little heat on the apple pie. After 9-11, my father, actually, who was part of the whole thing and took care of some people during the whole whatever, wound up being attacked and being called racial slurs and religious slurs. And we're Hindu and born and raised here. And we're full on American. But because of the color of my skin, we were judged. And what is the color of your skin? I am colorblind.

I don't see race. Yes. I am talking to a human. It is a caramel, a delightful. It is a delightful caramel. It's more of a toffee. You say caramel? I like toffee.

It is toffee. Very nice. That's so sad. I hate that. A good friend of mine is black, and she just told me that Airbnb, I got to admit it. It's my assistant. My assistant is black. But here's why.

I go, can you book us this thing? Just use the card. And she goes, you know, you don't want me to do that because they'll see my photo and they won't. And I was like, shit. Wow, is that common? I've never. Absolutely not. Believe me, I, you know, I'm a white male, but I read.

But I'm still, that was like so close to the bone. That's crazy. That's like a common thing. They can shut up on a lot of Airbnb once they see the profile. Yeah. That's absolutely insane. Super sad. Super fucked up. I'm sorry for your dad. That's crazy that that's a common thing. They can shut up on a lot of Airbnb once they see the profile. Yeah, it's absolutely insane. Super sad. Super fucked up. I'm sorry for your dad.

That's very sad. Isn't it cool that we're white, though? I mean, we still look great. I don't want to hurt us. No, I can't do that. It's terrible. You're really tan. You're actually darker than me right now.

It's true. Yeah, that's so sad. It's okay. And Pete is as white as it gets. He's from the Midwest. No, I'm not from the Midwest. I look like I'm from the Midwest. Where are you from? It's funny., I'm not from the Midwest. I look like I'm from the Midwest. Where are you from?

It's funny. I was just writing a joke about how I look like I'm corn-fed. Where are you from? I look like I was squatted out in a field of dreams. I'm from Boston. You wouldn't have guessed it. Yeah, I'm sorry. Hanley is the...

I'm sorry for my people. Hanley's from the Midwest equivalent in Canada, I guess. Oshawa, Ontario sounds like... Yeah, Ontario, I guess that's similar to the Midwest, yeah. Canadians aren't white, though. They're Canadians. It's like another thing. It's true.

It's a whole other thing. It is. It's a whole other thing. When you say a white guy, you mean a kid in Iowa City. You don't mean Ottawa. Yeah, you don't mean... You guys are up there... Some bilingual kid in Iowa.

Or Iowa. You know what I mean? You certainly don't mean bilingual kid, no. White people, in that sense, there's a certain image that we have, and it's not bilingualness. No. Are you bilingual? You speak French? No, I'm not.

I wish I was. The truth about Canadians is most of them don't speak any French at all outside of Quebec. And even within Quebec, a lot of their French is very poor. But you know what? There's more little pockets of French communities throughout the country. Like there's one outside of Winnipeg and stuff like that that you don't on the Maritimes people speak French. Yes, there are Franco

Ontarians, Franco Manitobans. This is an area of panic for me. When a Canadian starts to tell me where they're from, I'm like, leave me alone. If it's not like north of Seattle, I can't help you. Please. If it's not north of Seattle, I can't help you. Please stop.

It's not Calgary. Your country looks like someone spilled a country. You know what I mean? It's all these little islands. Americans are often criticized for that, but Canadians don't know. If you said you're from, I don't know, someplace in the Midwest, some guy from Saskatchewan is not going to know exactly where that is. I love that.

Thank you for that honesty. Will they know where Des Moines, Iowa is? They will have heard of Des Moines. If they live near there, if they live near the border, then that's where they go shopping or whatever. But if you said somewhere, some town in Oregon, someone

in Quebec is not going to know where that is. Were Canadians insulted when nobody moved there after Trump was elected? That's a very good question. Do you think they were waiting for us with balloons and candles? I don't know that they were waiting, but they must have been a little insulted when we said, you know what? We watch American news, so no. I ain't going there.

The Canadians watch American news, and they weren't really excited for people to come. They weren't excited for us to come, but it's still insulting. Look, if a girl that I'm not into doesn't like me, I'm still insulted. So you may not be into us coming there, but you're still a little insulted that we said, you know, we'll ride it out with Trump. No one was insulted. I would think it would be. No.

But again, we just Americans, all these people that said they're moving to Canada, decided that they would rather stay here than have to be in Canada. Well, the alternative is Mexico. And they still have club meds. You don't get beheaded there. No one ever says Mexico. They have really bad drinking water, though. Yeah, that's racist.

Somebody in Texas going all the way across the country to go to Canada. Mexico's like 20-minute drive. Mexico's 20-minute drive. And there's no Trump there. Yeah. And they have better weather. Then again, what do they do? The Americans, once they get there, there's something to think about.

They don't speak Spanish. I don't think we're great in Mexico right now. I had an experience. They don't speak Spanish. Our Q rating is not good in Mexico. I had a guy, one of the border guys, I was crossing the border, and he said if Hillary got elected, he was going to move to Canada. So both sides were making that threat

Who said that? Some guy at the border He's still at the border No, he works for the border patrol or whatever You know what's fucked up about Canada I've known people that went all the way up to the border To go to the festival To do a comedy club

And they were told when they got to the border You can't come in because you have some record. It's the same thing. It's the same when Canadians cross. Well, but that's not my concern. My concern is... I like how self-sufficient you are. Here's the difference.

Most Canadians live near the American border. So it's like, alright, I'll go back. It's an hour drive back to Toronto. People drive all the way to the border. Well, if you live in northern Maine, that's true. Yeah. If you live in Seattle, that's true. All right.

But what about if you live down here? The border goes both ways, Dan. It does, Dan. What if you live down in New York City? You go all the way up to New York. You are just making this about you. Yeah, this is about you. What if you live on 3rd Street?

What if you do live on 3rd Street? What if your name is Dan, Adam? What happened to you? I'd like to talk about this on season three,. What if you do live on 3rd Street? What if your name's Dan Adam? What I don't understand is what happened to you? I'd like to talk about this on season 3, Holmes, if you'll have me. Why can't we...

I feel like that's where it's coming from. Why can't we call them up ahead of time and say, look, I'm coming to the border. Let me know. Now, you're going to let me in or not?

Yeah. You're going to be a cocksucker? Well, if you have a DUI, they might not let you in. That happens a lot But they can't tell you ahead of time.

You've got to go all the way up there. If you don't remember you have a DUI, not getting into let you in. That happens a lot with Camille. But they can't tell you ahead of time. You've got to go all the way up there. If you don't remember you have a DUI, not getting into Canada is only one of your problems. Exactly. But you can't call them up ahead of time and say, I've got a DUI. Here's the deal. I've got a DUI. Are you being a tight ass today?

Your own discretion. Is there going to be a fucking problem with you people? Do you have a DUI? What do you mean, you people? You know what I mean by you people. Canadians. This is the reverse phrases I keep telling you about. Yeah, I feel it.

Is this live? No, it's not live. Do you know that Bill Hanley is an American? He has a green card. I have a green card. Do you still have your Canadian citizenship? At the moment, yeah. I don't have American citizenship.

I'm going to apply in like a year and a half. Oh, you don't have American citizenship. You have Canadian citizenship and a green card. Yeah, but I will apply for American citizenship. You will be denied. The beard is making you look vaguely Mexican. Yeah.

So you're not going to get it. Is that right? Let me give you a heads up. Denied. Phil is so proud to be American now. It was a big moment. Even my dad said

it was one of the proudest moments of his life when I got my green card. Really? This is how bad... Let's be clear. This is how badass America is, is that even the Canadians want to come. Canada's a great country.

Yeah, but it's because I'm in show business. If I did anything else, I'm sure I would stay in Canada. But you said you were proud. And proud means more than just you're here for the show business. Oh, no. Oh, absolutely. No, no, no. But that's...

Yeah, but I guess I shouldn't say that. I wanted to live in the States since I was a kid. I don't know. I just had this thing. My family came to the States a lot and stuff. But that's not normal. No, I don't think it's abnormal. I know a lot of Canadians want to be here.

And we all know French, but Gad Elmala, who's French, who lives here now. I wanted to live in Canada until I turned 21. And then you need it. 18 bars there. I wanted to live in Canada until I turned 21. And then you need it. 18 bars there. We go to Canada. Nobody goes there to live unless there's a draft. That is true. That is true.

Unfortunately. You're a hiding place. We are. Yeah. America, warts and all, people still dream of coming here. Yeah. In a way that I do. And what is it really?

What is it really? I think we're just cool. We're just plain cool. I don't know. I think we've lost the cool card. I really think we have. I think. I mean, what don't they have in Canada? Opportunities for showbiz. Yeah, that's the big one. And it's got to be, the American

Dream, according to Shark Tank, is still doing very well. You can have a chapstick that tastes different when you kiss someone else with a different chapstick. We don't have a New Yorkstick. We don't have a New York City. We don't have a New York City. We don't have... You don't have a Southern California. Yeah.

Yeah. San Francisco. You don't have a Frisco. And also, America's still kicking ass technologically. You know, GPS was a pretty much

American invention. Yeah, we're doing surprisingly well with technology. We got Google. We got Apple. We still got a lot of badass shit going down here. Yep.

You guys have Rush. You know, the band Rush. I think what you have, though, correct me if I'm wrong, is you have kids leaving their bikes on the lawn. I'm not just quoting Michael Moore. I'm like, Zach Galifianak has a place up there, and the stories he tells are very idyllic. But no one dreams of that as a kid.

No one dreams of having a bike that they can leave unlocked. But their kids are free to dream. I still dream about that. They don't have to worry about crime. I don't know why it's JFK. I thought that was Mayor Quimby. Mayor Quimby was based on JFK. How dare you?

He's been Canadian. It can be two days. He's Canadian. It doesn't inspire passion that you can leave your door unlocked. I don't know anyone that leaves their door unlocked, by the way. I didn't even say that. I just wanted you to know that that's not my source material.

I'm talking about a time with lakes and families that have people over for supper. Canada's amazing. I mean, yeah, I mean yeah I mean you know pot is like legal there

basically now we all love Montreal the comedy festival every year in Montreal we all love it great city yeah yeah but

that's not Montreal that's a hotel in expectations we all act like Montreal experts I know one Chinese restaurant in 17 venues yeah that's true

I don't know I know Montreal fairly extensively, though. It's a great town. It is a great town. Your strip clubs, instead of scamping your hand, they just put a human vagina

on your hand. It's a little moist. A human vagina. One thing about Canada is the strip clubs are very good. Yeah. You can be all nude

and lifted. Don't talk about that, Dan. I don't want to think about you with your little boy legs getting a lap dance. That little guy. Don't talk about that, Dan. I don't want to think about you with your little boy legs getting a lap dance. Well, look, I... I don't want to think about anybody doing it, but not you. When you go to JFL, do you go to strip bars?

No, typically not. But I've been to... In Toronto, I was at For Your Eyes Only. It was wonderful. What's that? It's a strip club, and the girls are gorgeous. Other than that, no. I don't love strip clubs in general, but if It's a strip club and the girls are gorgeous. Other than that, no. I don't love strip clubs in general, but if you're a

strip club guy, Canada is great. Here's a thing. Here's a little strip club trivia. In the song Girls, Girls, Girls, Motley Crue, they list all the strip bars in Vancouver. Really? Yep. Because they recorded... There's got to be a faster way to find them. You've got to listen to two minutes of Girls, Girls, Girls.

You forget what album it's on. You have to listen to the whole Motley Crue catalog. Oh, there it is. Before Google, all we had was Motley Crue. It's not on Shed of the Devil. Motley Cruegle. Before Google, yeah, it was Motley Cruegle. I'm the creep, though.

I don't know what to do. I've been to the Super Sex and all that. I try to be normal, but I'm the weirdo that goes, what's your real name? That's the creep. That's a good one. And then I just want to, I've literally said this. I don't, I wouldn't do this now.

I just wouldn't go. But when I did go and I was like ambiguous about how I felt about it, I'd be like, they'd be like, you want to dance? And I'd go, I'll give you the money. Just don't, I don't want the dance. Just here's the money. You're trying to save them. I'm trying to save them.

It's called the pretty in pink. No, the pretty woman. It's a creepy Richard Gere syndrome. But you know what? It's only creepy if you're broke. Yeah, they didn't mind. If you got $100 million, it's not creepy at all. They're happy to talk to you.

It's called a talk job is what it is. I learned that from Taxi Driver. It's a talk job. It's weird men like me with sexual baggage from faith that would rather talk to them and have them be like, my name's Nicole, and that's a talk job. It's weird men like me with sexual baggage from faith that would rather talk to them and have them be like, my name's Nicole and that's your good time. I would go to a bar like they have in Japan where girls

just hang out and they're paid just to talk to you and be interested. There's no sex. Yeah, it's like the geisha thing. But it's also been kind of modernized where you just go and there are pretty girls there. Nothing happens. They just hang out with you. You should just go to an open mic here in New York. You have a TV show.

They'll be lining up to talk to you. I'm going down. That was Pete Holmes. That was Pete Holmes. You're going to perform. We have to actually 8.05, which means... Let's not forget my Canada joke. And watch Crash on HBO.

Yes, please watch it. It's on HBO Go. It'll be on iTunes in a couple weeks. Thank you, Dan. Good to see you. Good to see you as well. Yes, please watch it. It's on HBO Go. It'll be on iTunes in a couple weeks. Thank you, Dan. Good to see you. Good to see you as well. And thanks for the role. I don't know whose idea that was, if it was you or Judd, but somebody decided to put me in the show.

Anyway, we're all done here. But thank you, Phil. We're done? Well, yeah, we're done. We do an hour. Okay. Thank you, Bill Schultz. Sorry, I'm the lesser Schultz.

Well, I don't perceive it that way. Believe me, my family does. And your beautiful friend doesn't perceive it that way. No, not at all. Thank you. I mean, sometimes I do. I feel like you're just going to color my shopping party right now. You're outing me.

We're friend-zoned. We're totally friend-zoned. Is that a mutual friend-zone? You're just making me look gayer. Is that forever? Is that definite? I do like to ask him who tickled his

balls during the day, and it's usually a man. So I think it could be of a gay tendency. Feels like you guys are flirting. Yeah. It's bad flirting. Phil Hanley, this is, I believe, your second time on our show, and we thank you. Yeah, thanks, man. Okay, brother.

That's it for us. we'll see you next time on the comedy seller show live from the table thank you