The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Pete Lee

Episode Date: January 21, 2016

Pete Lee

This is the Comedy Cellar Show on Sirius XM 99, and the voice you hear is that of Dan Natterman, not Noam Dorman, which can only mean one thing. Noam is busy doing something else. In this case, I believe he is in Moscow, Russia, performing with his band, which is his real love. Not this radio show, I hate to say it. His true love, his true passion is music. And this thing is something he does, time permitting. But no worries. We are here with, I am here with Kristen Montella.

Hello. And we're expecting Pete Lee. Kyle Dunnigan was supposed to be here. But I just got a text and he said he totally forgot all about it. So he won't be here. But Pete Lee is coming. And he's not feeling well, so we're not going to. He all about it. So he won't be here. But Pete Lee is coming. And he's not feeling well, so we're not going to... He's not feeling well.

We don't want him. Because you said you just had the flu. Yeah, and it was terrible. That's why you weren't here last week. That is correct. And I still feel... I really was traumatized by it. I still don't feel fully recovered mentally.

Mentally. But physically, you're recovered. Physically, I'm good. Mentally... I mean, you're not contagious. No, do not worry. I know you have a... Well, I am worried because you mentioned that one of your symptoms was nausea and vomiting. Those are two

symptoms, but... And as you know, that's something I don't abide. I am well aware. I can handle damn near anything but that. Because, you know, almost anything else can be dealt with. If, you know, almost anything else can be dealt with. If, you know, pretty much anything else, you take a tranquilizer, you go to sleep, nausea, there's no way around it.

I mean, there are some pills that can handle that, but their effectiveness is not tremendous. By the way, I saw something on an unrelated note I've never seen. I've lived in Manhattan for over 20 years, and in that whole time I've been taking the, I saw something I never saw before. I saw a bus driver stop the bus and leave to go to the bathroom. In the middle of a route? In the middle of a route.

Have you ever seen that? He must have had the flu that I had. Yeah, I'm from New Jersey. Hi, this is Lou, the producer. Lou, the producer. I'm a big bus lover, and I see it all the time. Well, in Jersey, they do that. But we're running a professional bus operation here in New York.

Anything goes in New Jersey. They take whatever route they want. I'm actually more impressed that he was able to find a bathroom that he could run into on such short notice. Well, he stopped right in front of my building, because I was getting off anyway,

and he ran into the pizzeria. And so I guess he just knows that that pizzeria is a place he can go. I think he must know that. And maybe he's done it before. I guess he's done it before. I don't know if he left the keys in the bus or not. I could swear the bus was still running when he walked out.

Oh, that could have been your moment, Dan. Could my moment have fulfilled my lifelong dream of stealing a bus? Keith Robinson just walked in, and one never knows whether he's going to. Oh, I haven't seen Keithy. He's wearing his Christmas special shirt. Let me join this. Stop looking at me like that, Dan.

I'm looking at you like what? You're questioning why I'm sitting here. I'm sitting where I want to sit. I'm sick of Dan taking over this podcast. Well, Noam is not here. He's in Moscow. So somebody had to step up to the plate. Good.

Keith is happy when Noam's not here. Noam shouldn't be here. It's a bad energy. He's got a very bad... Noam is a conservative that could. Like the little train. Yeah. He wants to be a conservative, but I don't believe him.

Yeah. He's going to end up on the but I don't believe him. Yeah. He's going to end up on the left. He has brown kids. Well, I think he just might stay on the right. No, no, no. Not with those brown kids. He's trying to force the Jew on his kids now. That's what they talked about last week.

He's trying to force them to light Hanukkah candles. It's not. It's not cool. You know, the kid's going to go with what's cool.kah candles It's not cool You know the kids gonna go with what's cool That hip hop is cool Christmas is cool Yeah Christmas is good he knows it They're gonna be hearing Temptation songs Silent Night

I agree with you You know where it's going at Ain't nobody going to the cornball stuff I agree with you that still doesn't mean he's going to the left He is going to the left Trust me he's gonna have you. That still doesn't mean he's going to the left. He is going to the left. Trust me. He's going to have to go because he got kids.

It's brown. Brown kids mean you go to the left sooner or later. Well, tell that to Dr. Ben Carson. Dr. Ben Carson don't know what it is.

He's nuts. He thinks he's on the right because he's a special doctor that he did. He did two twins. Got rid of some. Didn't he? Yeah, separated them. Yeah. Yeah. So he thinks he's like

I did this. I'm better than. He thinks he's better than black. I'm better than a regular black guy. I'm a doctor. Hey, Pete Lee just walked in. Oh, you're matching. You and Keith are matching. Look at your shirt. Really in the Christmas spirit. Both wearing black and white checkered shirts.

Red. Black and red. Hello, Peter. Hey, guys. How are you? Welcome to our, I think you're making the debut here at the Comedy Cellar Show, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah. And I specifically asked for you. Really?

Yes. So you're playing a part of people who, you booked this thing now. We book it in concert. Oh, for the love of God. You think he'll let him in. He was a Fleetwood Mac. Or Howard Stern now. When Dan calls, you gotta go. That's right.

You respond to the call, Keith, when it comes from Dan. This show could change your career. It does nothing for you. No, I certainly don't advertise it that way. I say, are you going to be here anyway? Do you want free food? Have a seat. You like hummus? How do I turn down my headphones? Are they too high? I'm not a technical guy, but I think you take this knob here.

You know what? Wait a minute. Hold on. Don't let him come in here and start making orders. Just take the loudness. It's number four. Enjoy it. Enjoy the loudness.

Welcome, Pete Lee, my old friend. By the way, Pete Lee, you wouldn't know it, Keith. We're just talking about blackness. And Pete Lee, although when you look at him, what do you think he is? He's a white boy, 100%. But he looks like this slight baby Italian, right?

No. You say a straight white boy? I see complete white in his eyes. Well, are you sitting down? What? Pete Lee has a black French woman as one of my four greats. Great, great, great, great grandmother.

That don't count. Dan said it's the one drop rule. I have a white great, great, great, great, great grandmother. Who doesn't? Come on, enough. I'm black. But, yeah, my mom's gotten really into that Ancestry.com. And so this was a French black woman, like from Haiti? From like Hispaniola or something?

No, from France. There were no black people in France in those days? Yeah, there were. There were black people everywhere. We're all over town. They're everywhere. I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about, but they were there because she was there.

What do you mean by they? Well, he is they. Well, the one drop rule in slave times, you would not have been qualified as a white man. Yeah, that's true. No, you've been in the house. You've been in the house. I've been in the house, yeah.

Or he would have escaped, and he would have just said that he was a white man and would have been believed. Yeah. And lived like that. I'm mostly American Indian, too. That's where I get my dark features. You're just waiting to get some things happening to you.

Yeah, exactly. The Jewish people come up to me on the street with the clipboards and they're like, are you Jewish? And I'm like, no, worse. Are you? This is way worse. Are you a casino-worthy Indian? I'm an eighth, at least.

Could you get in on that casino money? I could get in on the casino money, technically. How much? What percentage do you think that is? Keith is talking business opportunity. It depends what tribe. I think not every tribe has casinos, obviously. It's not an innocent question when Keith is just rubbing his hands together, like, thinking about money.

I don't know. I mean, right now I'm getting paid, like, really shitty money to play casinos. Pete, you're brand new at The Cellar. Yeah. How long have you been working here? Like, two months. If you count my audition... Well, what the hell took you so long? Because you've been on the scene a good while.

I was scared. I was, like, I don't know. I'm probably not supposed to admit that but i was scared to audition here everybody told me that it's scary and then i came here who told you that was scary people who don't work here no longer yeah people that failed exactly scary if you say it's scary you don't even belong here enough just get on stage perform like you've been performing yeah And that's that. Yeah, it was the exact opposite of the experience. I came down here. Estee was so nice to me. I went downstairs.

I killed. She was really nice to me. Estee's trying to make it into heaven now. Oh, God. That's really funny. Keith, you never had, even starting out, you never had a moment of like, every time you thought you were going to just drop the mic. I'm the wolf of Wall Street.

I'm the wolf of Wall Street. I'm the wolf of Wall Street. Never. I go at it. Absolutely not. You can't be that way. I go at it. I fail, of course, but I go at it like, you know, go hard or go home. Yeah.

You know, and that was it. If I didn't go hard, then it's like, eh. This is what you need. You need Keith to be your hype man before you need like a. I lost track of Pete Lee because we did Last Comic Standing together, what, 2008? 2008. Something like that. I think you and I both were eliminated in Vegas, I believe. We took that long flight

home together. We were sitting right next to each other. I was in the middle seat and you were in the window. I don't remember the seat. I do. If you're in the middle seat, you remember that shit. Pete remembers the oddest details. I do because, and I don't know if I should say this or not, but whatever. Do you remember the row?

We lost, you and I both lost to Esther Koo, who is a fine comic and a fine person. But at that point, she had been doing comedy like two years. And they pretty much picked her because she was a hot Asian girl that wore short skirts. Damn it. Why do we want to hear the loser's tale? Because Dan was so... Here's how we lost. I'll never forget it.

I want to hear more about the seating on the plane, which he seems to remember in detail. But that's the thing. Was it a 737-8? Yeah, it was something like that. But she was seated like three rows ahead of us in the plane. And she should have been. She was a winner.

Yeah, and Dan was like... You two losers belong behind her. Yeah, he was like, damn it. She even is three rows ahead of us. And you were incensed by the whole thing. And just her being ahead of us and you being able to see her happy head bobbing back and forth while she laughed. That winner bob. Yeah.

Yes. I don't remember those details. That sounds like a Dan Natterman. But that sounds like Dan Natterman. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Here's why I remember.

If you had said I was saying, you know what? God closes one door and opens up another, I would say you were lying. Because that's not what I do. But you're saying that I was furious and ranting. I'll say you probably remembered correctly. Whether or not you were in the middle seat, I don't know. I just remember it all because you

mean a lot to me, Dan. Oh, thank you. Well, you're a sweet boy. Well, this story is very interesting. Jesus, this story is very interesting. Jesus, this story stinks. Yeah. Remember Last Comic Standard eight years ago? No! Well, you know,

it's relevant to today because that's how I met Pete Lee. Then I lost him for about eight years. Yeah, I mean, I've been working around town. I don't know what the hell

he's been doing. I've been at other clubs and stuff, but I just, I don't know. I've been to a lot of colleges. I know that. A lot of colleges, yeah. I never got into that racket. and stuff, but I just, I don't know. I've been to a lot of colleges. I know that. A lot of colleges, yeah. I never got into that racket.

Even when I was in college, I couldn't relate to them people. I mean, as a college student, you know? I don't know if you know that about me. I had no friends. You had no friends. Do we know that about you? Well, in college. Absolutely, Dan.

We know you. You have two friends out of college. Now? Right now, as we speak. Well, how many do you really need? Are you a New York piece now? Yeah, I've lived in New York for 10 years. But yeah, let me ask you guys that about friends and comedy.

Because I've been talking to comics about that. And a lot of comics just see their friends at night when they're out at the clubs. Do you guys make plans with other comics during the day? Yes. You do? Absolutely. Oh, God. My therapist is like, you're too much of a lone wolf. You need to actually make plans with people. You seem like a sweet man. I guess I

am, yeah. Dan wants a brunch date. I don't know. Maybe we could hang out together. Where do you live? I live in Sunnyside, Queens. Too far. What if I came to you? Oh, that's fine. If you're willing to come to me. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Look, here's the thing. Just get out and meet. Comedy, make some plans. Make plans with Dan now to meet him here somewhere for a little brunch. Yeah. Go boxing. That's big in the comedy. Keith enjoys.

Keith has like a movie night once a week. I go to the movies. I do a lot of stuff. All right. I don't join circles. I make them. Keith's a nice comedy community. Keith has like a movie night once a week with some of the comedians. I go to the movies. I do a lot of stuff. All right. I don't join circles. I make them. Keith has a full life. He has a full life outside of comedy.

Yes. He forms circles. I form circles. I never join them. But, Pete, do you mind if we delve just a bit into some of the things that have happened to you?

It's been a rough year for you. It's been a crazy year, yeah. And I don't know if you want to go there. No, I go there. Yeah, we can talk about it. Well, Pete was a happily married man. Yeah.

I mean, one of the few people, in fact, that actually promoted marriage is a good thing. Yeah. Well, most of the people that you'll talk to was once happily married. Yeah. And then it all ends and goes, you know, to where Pete is. It's like the soldiers say in war, like, everything's okay until nothing's okay. Right. And then, yeah,'s okay until nothing's okay. Right. And then, yeah, I mean, I can't,

I actually signed an agreement saying that I wouldn't say exactly like what she did or whatever, but you can guess. We know what she did, Brian. You gotta sign some shit. What do you think? I know. What do you think?

But so, yeah, so it ended and it sucked and I was like, I was like devastated because like she was, she was like my whole world. You were in love. I was so in love with her and then everything kind of crashed down and then we went through couples therapy forever. Once you do couples therapy, it's over.

You should know that. That's a trail to nowhere. Yes, I should. Couple therapy means goodnight. I should have never spent that money. Couple therapy, I think, is like experimental chemo. It might work, but... It never works.

You know, it's... I would like to get the statistics on that. It's very rare. Because it's almost like, all right, we just give each other some time. It's almost like that. We're going to give each other time. That never works. I think it depends.

It might depend on the reason you go to couples therapy. If you go to couples therapy because,'re having issues communicating or something like that. Nobody ever does that. But if you're going because one person cheated or one person... I mean, that's an issue. Couples therapy is... You're either going to get over it or you're not. Couples therapy is a big step.

Once you go to couples therapy is a big step you know once you go to couples therapy it's almost like oh boy that's almost the time before you you're about to break up but you need a couple more things to make sure you know and then it's over with somebody already made up their mind anyway yeah i mean that is true yeah i just was like i was like i'm a good guy good guys don't leave their wives no matter what you know like had this weird... Yeah, you do. Your good guy attitude bugs me, to be honest with you. It bugs me. Imagine living in this.

It bugs me. He probably, next to Ryan Hamilton, or maybe even equal to Ryan Hamilton, is the nicest guy in comedy. Yeah. It's like this. When you're with your woman, you can't have that baby face energy. Like Babyface is a singer. He has all those love songs floating in his dumb head.

Yeah. And it makes his wife go, I'm going to go do something else. Yeah. You have an idea of what marriage should be like and they'll look at you and go, yuck.

And that's what I think happened to Pete. And by that, he means Keith. So it was you. I'm looking at you and going, yuck. I feel good that Keith doesn't want to date me, though. It was your decision.

I do want to date you. I want to toughen you up a little bit. I want to toughen Pete up a little bit. It was your decision, Pete. Pete, it was your decision at the end to break it up. Yeah, and then just getting out of it, it cost me, because she didn't want to sign, so it cost me tens of thousands of dollars,

and I had to pay her rent for a year. Oh, God. But I got out of it, and finally, yeah, and then it drug out through the court system until September. But you don't have kids, and there's not millions of dollars at stake. Yeah. So why so much legal shit? It's just, I mean, basically the other person, if they don't want to sign,

they can hold you hostage in a way. And so you got to strike a deal. And we struck a deal and it just was. They don't want to sign the divorce papers. Yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. So because I was like, I want this done now.

Like, because once all that stuff happens, like, you just want the fuck out of there. Like, you want out. But like, she was like, all right, you want out? I need some money. And so I. Why don't you go, all right, I don't want out that bad. That's what it is. She got you. You know, that's the thing. You need some money. Why didn't you go, all right, I don't want out that bad. That's what it is. She got you. That's the thing. You're too nice. You're nice enough to give her

out. I'm like, nah, we're good. We'll be roommates. I'll just go do what I'm going to do. You'd be bringing chicks home. Absolutely. Bingo. Nice guy. Yes, he would. But then once you do that and bring chicks home and you're married,

then she could probably get you on something infidelity shit and take more. She was probably fumbling. Now, if she was already fumbling, then we don't know the details. Of course she was fumbling. Because he signed that agreement. But listen to me. Nice guy, girl, go ahead and do it. See what she did?

All right, if you want out, pay me. Of course she was fumbling on them. Yeah, I mean, she also works at a law firm, so she had better people advising her than... She had better agents. Better than us? He had, like, comedians drinking, telling him what to do. Better than Big Jay Ogerson?

Oh, my gosh. He had Keith telling him to bring chicks to the house. Bring some chicks to the house. Better teach her a lesson. But all's well that ends well, because now you're in a relationship with a very nice, lovely young lady. Yeah, my new girlfriend is Emily Tarver, and she's, like, awesome. You hear that? What?

Here's one of his basic problems. I'm going to tell you what happened. Right now, he had to name her name. That means something. Y'all don't even understand what that means. Well, she's... Stop it. She's, like, famous.

She's in the business and stuff. I'm right, but we don't care. Okay, but I don't know. For people listening that might be a fan of hers, they go, okay, you guys are together. Well, who? I don't know her, you know, but who is she? Her name's Emily Tarver.

She's on the TV show Donnie. She's on stand-ups with Kurt. She plays Karen. She's also in Orange is the New Black. And then she's in the TV show Donnie she's on stand-ups with Kurt she plays Karen she's also in Orange is the New Black and then she's in the new Sisters movie so I don't know who is she in Orange is the New Black? she plays McCullough she just came in on season 4

oh I know who that is and which Kurt show are you talking about? stand-ups he's got a new show coming out on Comedy Central that's like his sitcom and then she plays Karen, of all people, which is fucking hilarious. And so we've

gotten to spend a lot of time with Karen to see what's in her mind so that she could play her. It was really kind of funny. But you're back into it already. These guys meant to be in relationships. Some guys are like that. I talked about that today in therapy. I keep talking about therapy.

This is not making me sound tough. Well, you can certainly talk about therapy. No judges here. Yeah, but my therapist was like, your system. The black people don't do therapy. Absolutely not. Are there black therapists? Yes, there are.

Okay. I've seen a black therapist, and the black therapist was talking to black people, and she was trying to recruit for whoever they were. She was like, I'm a black therapist, and the black therapist was talking to black people, and she was trying to recruit for whoever they were. She was like, I'm a black therapist. You going to a white therapist? So she played the race card with other therapists. Being a black therapist, she didn't think that black people should go to white therapists

when she was there. Well, I'll be honest with you. First question I asked my therapist, I said, I asked him, are you Jewish, and are you gay? And he said no, because I would have walked the fuck out of there. If he was Jewish or gay? I'm sorry. I asked if he was Jewish. I asked if he was gay.

He is Jewish and he's not gay. So it was okay. Because I figure I want somebody that thinks like me. Okay. That knows as much as possible what it is to be me. But not crazy. No, but like I want a dude that's not crazy. I don't want a dude to be thinking to himself as I'm complaining,

this fucking Jew. And I don't want to. Oh, my God. If he's a professional, he's not Jewish. I don't trust anybody. What is wrong with you? Anti-Semites are everywhere. Oh, my God.

And Keith knows what I'm talking about. That's ridiculous. You don't want to say deep shit to a white dude that's going to be like, this motherfucker. What are you talking about? Keith, you agree with me, right, Keith? Go to some white therapist. No, I understand you, but I don't agree with you.

All right. I understand what you're saying. That is absolutely, I don't even have any words. And I don't want a gay dude that he might risk sexual... You know, because that can happen between a patient and a doctor. Wait a minute. Oh, my God. You're homophobic?

Not homophobic at all. What is that? The same reason that I... I'm not homophobic any more than Kristen doesn't like men because she won't have a sleepover with me. All right? What? He just doesn't want gay people talking to him.

No, no, no. No, you understand the relationship between a therapist and a patient. Can the feelings develop? Sexual attraction. I don't want even the possibility. Wait a minute. Even the possibility that he's masturbating to anybody. There's a couch right there.

I know what you're talking about. Even if it's a one in a hundred shot, I don't want that. What do you feel? Do you feel like you can be attracted to that guy? No, because I'm not a homosexual, but I had a female therapist once, and yeah, you're damn right, I jerked off to her. Yeah, but that's the way it happens. The doctors don't fall in love with the patients.

The patients fall for the doctors because they're like the people that have it all figured out. So unless you have your questioning. You don't get it, man. I'm charming as a motherfucker in therapy. Oh, Jesus, Dan. You got to get more than, like, I wouldn't go there like, I don't want somebody to fall in love. You short, fat bastard. If the therapist thought that I was, they would probably get cursed out.

At least let me get in shape. Let me get a six-pack before I say it first. You know what I mean? Let me build something that they could go, yeah. If I take my shirt off. I don't think you haven't been listening to me. I'm hearing you. I'm just saying.

I lay down such a charm because I'm funny. I tell funny stories. Dan, listen to me. I've seen your charm. Yes, sir. All right. And he's not falling for you. Well, anyway, I do think there's something to be said,

all half-kidding aside, about a therapist that can get into your head the best way possible, and I think that's somebody that's as much like you as possible. I just like the idea that most people go to therapy to talk about what's wrong with them, and you go there to be impressive. Yeah. I don't go there to be impressive.

I'm impressive where I go. You understand the difference? Okay, I get it. Alright. I get it. No, Dan. Because I am that motherfucker. I think this sounds like a plan, Dan. This sounds like Dan has a plan. Hank's therapy has not worked for him very well. I'm going to show this therapist something special. First of all, don't you want to go to a therapist that can present alternative ways of perceiving things?

I mean, why do you want to go to someone that's just like you? Because he's got to get into you? If you have issues, that person doesn't make any sense. He's going to get into my head, you see. But that's what lets you know that issues aren't race related. It's life related. So what you do, everybody does.

It's not like only a Jewish guy would do it like this. No, no, not that only a Jewish guy would do it like this. But, you know, like I said, whatever. We've been down to anyway. I'm serious. I would rather pay the money that I pay my therapist. Your therapist is American Indian.

No, my therapist is a sweet Jewish woman, and she's great. I mean, she's really great. But I think I should just pay Keith to be my therapist. Damn right. You should. You'll be fine. After I get through with you, you'll be on your money. You understand that?

On your money. No more announcing girlfriends. I am down with blah, blah, blah. What are you doing? Making announcements. It's a night. Raise your glasses do you find it I know you're not dating her because she's

a successful performer but do you find that exciting to be in that mix yeah it's really fun I've never dated a comic before and I've never really dated anyone in entertainment and it's kind of fun it's nice that we hang out late at night. We write jokes together. It's fun.

So she does stand-up. That's her main bag. Wait a minute. Now you're writing jokes together? Pete, you are making me sick. Kristen, you better come on in on this. You come on in, Kristen, and give me something because you know Pete is annoying me right now.

I know. He's really... The button's about to pop right off his shirt. That's because of my fat gut. But other than that – No, he's boiling. He's boiling. I'll lend you one for mine. It's the same shirt. It's fine.

No, but I will say that I think one of the – I'm recently married. I got married in October. Congratulations. Much to Keith's dismay. Thank you. Congratulations. Much to Keith's dismay. Thank you. Keith. But I think, and I feel that I have a really good relationship, whatever, but I think one of the keys is you have to have

your own shit. Like, you have to be you know, like the Venn diagram with like the two circles and the thing in the middle. And if you get too, this is my opinion, but, you're right. Too, like, writing jokes and everything is like this, two, this is my opinion, but two writing jokes and everything is like this, this, this, I mean, that's going to get suffocating after a while.

For me, it would. I think for you it would, and maybe for Keith it would, but there are couples that work together. Stiller and Mira work together, and they were a tremendous couple that went the distance. When you're in a relationship, here's the thing you got to do. You got to make sure you're not a creature of your own bad habits. In other words, what you did in the other relationship, you got to watch for this relationship

to make sure you're not doing the same thing over and over and over again. And from what I, just the name announcement, what bugged me so much about it is I know that's what you do. Oh, yeah. It has something to do with a trail, but it's a bad trail that you're going on. And I think you just, like she said, find what you do and let your woman worship you and what you do. Have confidence in you and Pete Lee and what Pete Lee does. And they should be, I guarantee you, whoever the girl's in,

I am now with Pete Lee. I guarantee that's not happening. I'm going to bring her on the show and see if she announces you. Yeah. Honey, please announce me. But you're right. You're right about the suffocation thing because like I'm,

I mean, one of the things that I'm really working on is like, like I have to take like active steps in my day to be like, don't text her right now. Or don't call her. Or don't whatever.

Because she's the one. You can't suffocate me. If you try to suffocate me, I'll be like, there's still air in the bag. This feels good. I love this. I love to be suffocated. You needy son of a bitch. Oh, my God, yeah.

That's so me and so like, I have to actively do conscious things during a day because every part of my soul is like, ah, text her right now and like. But how,

how long with your wife, with your ex-wife, were you together before you proposed to her? Uh, we were together for six years.

Oh, okay. So it was a while. Yeah. If Emily asked you to marry her tonight, what would your response be? Ah, yes! Oh my god, yes! I can't wait! Let's call people right now.

Just he asked me if I wanted to marry her and I want to call my mom. Oh my god. I tell you, the guy... They could not be like two more opposite people sitting next to each other but wearing the same shirt. It's so insane to me.

I love this. Keith's shirt is actually way cooler than mine. What kind of shirt is that? Do you know? I don't know. Because I want to go get that shirt because I like that one better. Pete, I haven't seen your act in a while. Are you squeaky clean on stage?

I mean, I'm pretty clean. Yeah, I mean, because my whole persona is like, my point of view is like, it sucks to be nice. It's great for everybody else around you, but it sucks for that person. And so if I am dirty... Oh my God, we got another dude with red and black Monroe Mudd. Oh my God, this is really just the theme today. Check his...

Red and black plan. Check a board. But yeah, I just think... So you're a friend of Ryan Hamilton's, are you? Yeah. I've got to set you two up, if not. No, one time we lived together for like two weeks in Indianapolis. That's like a nice explosion.

I know, I know. Like Indianapolis used to have that condo. The neighbors were complaining that it was so polite. Oh my God, it's just compliments. All day after you. No, after you. No, I insist. No, you.

Remember those two chipmunks? Oh, indubitably. No, no I couldn't, no please. Well I never wanted anyone to feel bad. My best friend today, he said to me, he goes, dude, you're annoyingly nice. And I was like, mm, high five. But he's right, like I'm your friend that I'd be like, I'm gonna get your sister pregnant.

And then you know, just, be there for her. But I think that I'm this way because I, um, I got picked on constantly growing up because I had horrible hand-me-down clothing. It was the worst, like, seventh grade when I was the same size as my mom. That's a true story. My best friend had a leather jacket. Do you know how cool it is? I had a sweatshirt with a kitten yawning that said, I don't do mornings. Right? My

mom was like, do you know what would go great with that? I'm like, yeah, karate lessons. Because right now I'm dressed in drag, but as a lady approaching menopause. Who doesn't do mornings. In eighth grade my mom signed me up for that Big Brothers Big Sisters of America program because I had no strong male role model in my life. And who that ticked off was my dad. Who is an interior decorator. Yeah, my dad gave me my Y chromosome, it's just mine was in cursive. But I do have a wife who exists and everything.

Yeah, but her name is Jamie and that's like a dude's name. Like I have to be in bed with her like, oh, Jamie, right? That's like being like, oh, Rick, right? So we started giving each other cute little nicknames. Like, she nicknamed me Pumpkin Butterbutt. Yeah, so I nicknamed her Sarah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. And I love my wife, but she's a New Yorker, so she likes to bust my chops, you know? She talked me into

taking Pilates class with her just so she could make fun of me in front of a new group of people. We get there, she's like, yeah, my husband's here. I wear the pants in this relationship. I was like, yeah, but I wash them. And just for that little jab,

I'm gonna shrink your jeans a little and make you feel fat. I was like, either that or I'll sew your pockets shut. Because I'm a man that can sew, and that is sexy, ladies. Oh, my God. Oh, I could tear your clothes off and then mend them. And there's a female bodybuilder in our class, and she makes fun of me, too. You know, I wouldn't make fun of her, but she's just, she terrorizes me. She'll be like, what's up, girly man? And I'll be like, what's up, man?

Yeah, her name's Tiffany, but I nicknamed her Greg, right? But I'm pretty sure she's stronger than me because her weights are 30 pounds, and my weights are purple. That's not manly at all. Like, dude, what do you bench? Oh, violet. But I max out at magenta.

And I love being married, but I'm so sick of the people in my life that have been married for way too long and they're unhappy telling me about how scary marriage is going to get. My grandfather's like, you know, Pete, marriage is not a sprint. It's a marathon. I'm like, well, I've run a marathon and I was only happy when it was done. Right? Yeah. At least when you finish a marathon, they give you bagels, right?

And a sweet T-shirt. Why don't they have that for divorcees? Like, marriage finisher. Right? Because then when all your friends are like, oh, sweetie, what happened to your marriage? You're going to be like, uh, I completed it. And if I could give some advice to the new people, you're dating someone newly,

don't ever tell your new person your horror stories about your ex-person. When my wife and I first got together, she was like, oh, I hate Brad. You know, like, Brad cheated on me and he broke up with me on my birthday. And like, one time Brad took me to the middle of Nebraska and he just left me there. I was like, oh, like, Brad cheated on me, and he broke up with me on my birthday. And, like, one time, Brad took me to the middle of Nebraska, and he just left me there.

I was like, ooh, I hate Brad. If I ever see this guy, knuckle sandwich, right? Thank you. But now that we've been together for like seven long years and I realize what a miserable like she can be, I'm like, God, I love Brad. I have so many questions for this guy. Like why Nebraska?

And not Alaska. And how'd you get out, Brad? And when's her birthday? Get Robert Kelly over here. So he can life coach me? Yeah. You need life coaching from Robert. I spent a week in Tampa with Robert.

I think he's on the right track. He's not on the right track. Sit down, Bob. Keith needs some support, Robert. Hey. Sit down, Bob. They're life coaching me right now, and I need you. This nice son of a bitch is infuriating me.

Let me tell you something about this guy. He's a triathlete. Oh, he is? Yes, he swam in the Hudson River. I ain't asking you to be the guy from SportsCenter, stupid. I said help me life coach this idiot. Well, okay. Well, I don't know if he's an idiot.

I think he's a really sweet guy. I was in a hot tub with him. What? He's not going the way Keith wanted him to go. We were. We were in a hot tub. We were in a hot tub together in Ybor City. They were looking for a murderer. Helicopters were going over our heads.

Cops were racing by. And me and Pete had a nice little conversation about life in a hot tub. Oh, sweet. Bat girl Kelly was with us. There Had a nice little conversation About life in a hot tub Oh sweet And Batgirl Kelly Was with us Oh yeah There was a girl with us She was a vegan

And she rescued animals Yeah And her and Pete Really hit it off Keith We hit it off Pete is with somebody now And you're telling us It was ten years ago

This was a long long time ago But I was with My now ex-wife You're not married anymore? Not married anymore. You piece of shit. Fuck him. I'm out of here.

What a hunk of garbage you are. I thought you were a nice guy. You couldn't hold it together, you fuck. I'm married with kids. I'm better than you now. You're better than me. Bob is nicer than you, Pete. Hi, Pete.

How are you? Wonderful. You got divorced, huh? I got divorced, yeah. She was sick of your hellos and goodbyes and good mornings? Yeah, it was like that Garth Brooks song where the trucker's wife got lonely. She was sick of you making breakfast every day with a peppy, hey, hon. This is what Keith is getting at.

This is what Keith is getting at. How to rough him up a little. Yeah, you got to give him the goon hand every once in a while and drag him out of a mall by their elbow. You see what I'm saying? Out of the outlets? That's right. There you go, elbow. You see what I'm saying? Out of the outlets? That's right. There you go, Bobby. This is what I wanted.

That's what I'm talking about. You fucking grind your teeth and have a nice fucking teeth argument in a fucking nail salon. You said fucking 20 minutes, fucking 30 minutes ago. Get it done. Get Ming Lao and get it done. See, I would do that, but I'd be like, did I just give you enough disapproval that you love me? Yeah, you need to fucking grab her hair like a handle

in the bedroom. You understand what I'm saying? Bend her over a fucking nice armoire. I knew you were going to say armoire. I don't know why. Or credenza. How's that? You like that? I upped the game for Natamance here, who's a highly intelligent guy,

and armoire is not fucking funny enough for him. Credenza would have been his joke. Okay? So I upped it for him. And what did you do after that? What I do, I grab her hair, twist it around my fist like a handle. Oh, beautiful. And then I pick up.

I don't even take the panties off. I take my finger, open it up like a six-pack. Okay? And I push it in. A little hard even take the panties off. I take my finger, open it up like a six-pack, okay? And I push it in, a little hard, hard, softer, hard, ooh, warm cake. And then we hear the kid crying. I go, let him cry. Let him cry. I say that's one point of view.

I don't know that that would work for Pete Lee. I do wrap her hair around my fist and pull it because she asks, she makes me. Really? I think Pete has to go with his strengths and what you're describing is just not what he does. What's he going to do? Do pottery with her? He has to eat. Is he going to juice? It's just like stand-up.

They're going to wake up with a Nutri-Bullet. He has to go with his strengths and his strength is the attentive nice guy. No, you've you gotta work on your weakness, Dan In a relationship And make your weakness a little stronger I agree with Keith And not just because I'm only comfortable agreeing with people

Listen to me, Pete You gotta be a little more rougher You gotta hang out with us for a week Hang out with me and Keith for a week We're gonna screw you That's our sitcom. You guys realize that, right? Look at Kristen right now. Look at her in the eyes.

Look at Kristen. Look at her. I don't like that Kristen is not the evil Kristen that I know. I can't get a word out of you guys. What has this radio made you? I want you to look at Kristen right now. I want you to repeat after me. Yo, what's up, bitch? Yo, what's up, bitch? Hey, now she's looked away. Look at me. I said look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Holy shit. Yo, what's up, bitch? Yo, what's up, bitch? Hey, now she's looked away.

Look at me. I said look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. I said look at me. Say it again. Look at me.

Even though she's looking at you, say it again. No, look at me. Look at me. Now say listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.

Not like, don't say it like the solid gold puppet. Don't. Listen. Listen. Growl at the end. Listen. Listen. Grr.

Listen. No, no. Physically growl. Fucking. Listen. Yeah, that's it. Right there Listen. Grr. Listen. No, no. Physically growl. Fucking. Listen. Yeah, that's it right there. That was a good one. You like that?

Look at that. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. It works. Oh, my God. Can we high five?

Yeah. Don't high five him. I almost did it, Keith. He's got you. He's a nice guy. I almost gave him a hand hug. Pete, are you a religious guy? Like, Hamilton is a religious guy.

I mean, I was raised Catholic and stuff, and my dad's really religious, but my mom's an atheist, so I'm an atheist. You're not church-going folk. No, I'm not. I don't know. Where does this niceness come from? I would say it's close to religion because it's like Midwestern superstition. Maybe he's. Scientologist.

It's more like I almost feel like it's bad luck to be mean. I want to know this. Have you ever jerked off in the shower? Yeah. Did you clean it up or did you leave it? Oh my god, I jerk it off into my hand and then I carefully dump it into the drain. Oh, he does not. I do.

I know he does. You have to leave it. Let it mix with her hair. And then it goes in the drain. And a month later, you pull out a sock and give it to her for Christmas. Oh, my God. Let Kristen talk. Kristen, what do you like in a man?

And what don't you like in a man? But Kristen. No, but I'm not. First of all, I'm not a good person to. She's evil. Yeah, I'm evil. You can just stop at that. I'm not a good person.

I am a good person. No, you're not. Not in the Lord's eyes. No, but that's just what I said to him. For me, it would be suffocating. For me, I need like that. She needs to be choked. I need that little, you know, that distance that, you know.

Yeah. Because that's attractive to me is when someone like, I don't want to be someone's everything. Like, I don't, like, I don't. Like, I don't, I want them to be with me because they want to be with me, not because it's like they have this need or, you know, like they can't survive without me. Like, I need them to be able to hold their shit together. Well, what do you like sexually, though? You like a little aggression, right? It depends.

Sometimes. Sometimes I don't. Well, don't presuppose that Pete in the bedroom is not aggressive just because he's a nice guy. Well, are you aggressive? I'm not aggressive. He's whatever she wants him to be. Well, I mean, she likes it more sweet, but then, like, if she's been drinking, she likes it really aggressive. And what do you do?

What's aggressive to you? I mean, she, like, I don't know if I'm telling too much. She might get mad at me. She'll probably get mad at me if I talk about it. Oh, my goodness. If you didn't mention her name, she wouldn't have been mad. Let me tell you something. I've been married to my chick for nine years.

I've known her for 20. You know what she likes? A nice doggy position. She doesn't want to look at me. She doesn't want to look at you. She wants to close her eyes and pretend it's somebody else. Channing Tatum. That's what she's doing.

Well, not Channing. Let's not get carried away. Brad Pitt. Maybe Ryan Goslett of the other Ryan. The other Ryan. Deadpool Ryan. Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds.

No, she likes to pretend it's Artie Lange in front. And he does the voice Yeah listen Hey Don Yeah listen Hey Fatso's out for the night So What do you say me

You and Dan Nauterman Get it on I got this kid Pete Lee Come over too He'll fucking make us some soup He'll clean up all my jizz That's a great impression That's a good Artie

Thank you I didn't know you did impressions I don't It's the only one I do And I did it by mistake one day Okay I smoke too many cigars Because I've never heard an Artie before

At least not Well now everybody's going to do it You know Because he I was on a Howard And the guy was crazy Because my father loved Jersey boys. Wow, that's a tremendous.

Are you from Jersey yourself? No, I'm from Boston. Oh, that's right. I mean, he's from Jersey. I think Jersey, there's a Jersey. I want to know if Kristen could date Pete. Could you date Pete? She's married.

No, I'm just saying. I know she's married, but if you. I could, but eventually I would, I mean. Would you cheat on Pete? Yes. No, I wouldn't cheat. I would, I mean... Would you cheat on Pete? Yes. No, I wouldn't cheat. I would just end the relationship. On Pete, not your husband.

No, no. I wouldn't cheat. I don't cheat. You don't cheat? No. There's no need to cheat. You just get out of whatever you're in. No, nobody just gets out.

Yeah, why not? I've never cheated in my whole life. Well, you might cheat if you're satisfied emotionally, but not sexually. Then you might cheat. I have never cheated in my whole life. You never made up with another man while with a man? No. Look at me.

Look me in the eyes and say it. I've never cheated in my whole life. Have you thought about it? Yes. Yeah, of course. With me. Have you thought about Bob? You have?

You have? What? Before I was married. You have, right? Did you really? Yeah. Is this with Bobby When it was

You know Hey can you not She might be a chubby chaser Why are you gonna go Old Bobby new Bobby Bob I wasn't gonna go She would have definitely

Old Bob Yeah you would have got it Bob You would have got Old Bob would have got Kristen I would have got it in the wall In the hallway to the wall Just before I went up I would have got old Kristen

I'm wondering And I say in jest A fair amount That I With Kristen and I would have gone old Kristen. I'm wondering, and I say in jest a fair amount with Kristen and I, but I'm just wondering if I played my cards right. Forget it. Wow. No. How about old Dan?

What's that? Well, old Dan, new Dan. Is there a difference? I think that was Dante Nero peacocking again with all his jewelry. Oh, yeah. The fucking bone earring wasn't enough. What we're getting at is, I don't know, Emily. I don't know what type of...

She might just be a sweet girl that likes a sweet guy. I mean, for me... There are such women. I know myself and I would walk... I would just by nature become the man in the relationship. Now, you've heard Bobby and Keith's analysis. Yeah, but that's what I like. That's the energy I like.

But do you think that this is universal for women, as they seem to think? No, it's not. It's not universal. Well, you're saying Pete Lee should behave this way, and he may have a woman that this wouldn't be effective with. I think what is universal is, I think a woman likes to feel protected with her man. I think what is universal is I think a woman likes to feel

protected with her man. I think that's universal. Yeah. I mean, she definitely wants a lot of what you guys are talking about and like I'm working on it.

She bought me a book called The Way of the Superior Man and it's all about all this stuff. Bingo. And I read it. I gotta go. I literally have to go.

Pete, I love Pete. He's making me physically ill. He made me ill when he sat down. There you go. I feel like I need to be like your life coach. I feel like I need to be like your woman spirit whisperer.

We need to get him a hooker. No. I don't need a hooker. I just... He needs a good tranny. We need to get him a hooker. No, no, no. I don't need a hooker. I just... No. You need a nice tranny. Some women... He needs a good tranny with some brass knuckles. A nice tranny with a whip.

Some women like to be, you know, sort of in the power position. They like a man, a softer guy. I mean, she's definitely a very strong woman, but, like, that being said, it doesn't... Even if you're a strong woman, you need your man to be strong. Correct. But the problem is that like I'll get strong and I'll back off for a while and then she'll come at me and she'll be like well why didn't you text me or call me for that

day or that whatever and I'm like cause that's what you like and I'm trying to do that. You don't tell him that. You just say I was busy? You say I was busy. You don't fucking tell him that you were being cool. But you think that this is the reason that your marriage didn't work is because you didn't behave in the way that Keith and Robert are suggesting? It could be.

I think it was more because I was gone all the time. I love you. You're a sweet guy. But you're going to die alone. Well, you know what, Pete? If you die alone, you won't be the only one. Half the people that work here will be dying alone as well. We can all die alone together.

And that's the beauty of it. I just want to say that this upsets me, this conversation, because you are a really seemingly... Keith and Bobby just left, and now we're going to have some intelligent adult conversation. That was very funny and interesting. They're amusing characters. But now let's get down to it with some real analysis here.

But that does upset me because Pete is seen, I've just met him, but it seems like a very nice, good... Never met a sweeter man, except for Ryan Hamilton. And it's going to be your undoing. And Hamilton may not be on the level. One thing about Pete is the difference between Pete and Ryan. Ryan might be snap at any moment. And Pete, I don't think, I think

is more legitimately less in danger of snapping. No, I mean, at least I'm dealing with my issues and I'm letting some of that steam out with therapy and whatever. I don't feel like, there's got to be some steam in Ryan. I don't feel he's letting it out. Yeah. I feel like I might be

a little bit more, well, Ryan is very self-knowing, but, you know, I mean, he's, I don't feel he's letting it out. Yeah. I feel like I might be a little bit more... Well, Ryan is very self-knowing, but, you know, I mean, he's... I don't know. I'm trying to change, is what I'm saying. But you also have to come to a point where you think about what you are not going to change. Like, you just are that way.

You gotta play with your strengths, as I had said. And your wife, I mean, again, do you think that this has anything to do with, you know, she might not have just been the woman for you. Yeah, I mean, I think that in the end we were very different and we shouldn't have been together. And I can't believe that it lasted. The therapist said that if I wasn't on the road so much,

that it would have never lasted that long. but it was, it was because we had so much distance. So, I mean, a lot of the things like, you know, in this case helped your marriage. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, like Kristen, you know how you were saying that you need space in a relationship. Well, like my, like I'm very, very sweet and loving. And then my space is like, I leave, you know, like I physically leave the state to go tour. So that's one of the things that, like, has balanced that out a little bit for me. But I've been, since I met my new girl, I've gotten an agent, and I've been auditioning, so I've been home in New York more.

So, like, I guess this is almost the first time in my life that I've had to, like, address this in a relationship because it's the only time that I've actually been around enough for a girl to go home. She's also in New York. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, it's funny.

I don't see all these guys with all their answers and all their machismo, you know, having necessarily in most cases relationships that are working. Well, Bobby has a good marriage. Bobby has a good marriage. Keith Robinson, I don't know when the last time he was in any kind of a relationship. He's just going to be Keith.

We've got the ultimate alpha male over here, Dante Nero. I don't know if he wants to sit down and say hello. You want to talk about alpha male? Yeah. This is the ultimate alpha male right here who knows how to keep a bitch in line. Yeah. And gives lessons on it. Would you mind sitting and giving

Pete a little... A little therapy? But again, I don't know that Pete needs therapy. I'm just saying these are different points of view. He's just getting different... This is a man. This is Dante. Do you know Dante? I know Dante. How are you? This is a man. Pete Lee. Dante is a man that is opposed to everything you stand

for. Really? Yes. He treats women like queens. Is he opposed to it you stand for. Really? Yes. He treats women like queens. Is he opposed to it, or that's just how he was raised? He's just a nice guy. He's just a nice guy. He treats women like a princess. Yeah, I mean. How's that work out for you, though?

Oh, it's terrible for me. Exactly. You know, and probably terrible for them, because that's not actually what they want. But you're in a loving relationship right now. Yeah, I mean, her and I, and I, we're very much in love. But she's been telling me and my therapist has been telling me and friends have been telling me, dude, you've got to man up a little bit and back off and have more boundaries.

Oh, wow. Here's what's interesting. Okay, so I was a male stripper for 11 years. I was a pimp for seven years. Wow, this is really interesting. That I didn't know about. Yeah, male stripper for 11 years. I was a pimp for seven years. Wow, this is really interesting. That I didn't know about. Yeah, I did that for seven years. I didn't really have the stomach for it.

I thought all pimps knew each other, but I never heard of you. But it was something that I wasn't really, I didn't really have the stomach for it at the time. So I worked at a blue-collar job, and I noticed there was a lot of guys who... But you work in the sewer, right? Well, I worked for the phone company, but I I worked at a blue collar job and I noticed there was a lot of guys who. You work in a sewer right? Well I worked for the phone company but I worked in the manholes and you know all the

splice. I was a splicer. Underground splicer. And it was a lot of dudes who made a lot of money because it's a good job it's a good blue collar job who got married and then had no control over their marriages. So they were asking for permission for for sex and they couldn't go out and they couldn't go out drinking and and it was insane because it

just seemed to me like the women were just as unhappy as they were because i think um i think what i've learned with time is that um the attraction of women um there's two things. I think there's an instinctual drive where women viscerally find a man attractive. And then there's what I call a social contract, which is marriage, monogamy, all of those things, those constructs that we create on a social level. And we feel, I think as human beings, we feel as though we have kind of evolved past those instinctual drives. But the way human beings have been on this earth for 200,000 years, any species only survives when the woman chooses the right mate. If the female aspect of any species chooses the wrong mate, the proper DNA is not pushed forward

into the next generation and they go extinct. So those visceral things that women find attractive about alpha males and stuff is built into, it's actually built into the DNA. And I think with the whole feminist movement where the feminist has gone

like batshit is that they're not taken into consideration that these, these sex, these gender roles are built. It's built into our DNA. 200,000 years of this. This is how women find men.

So, so you'll find a woman who will find a guy who's rides a motorcycle, who's got a scruffy beard, kind of the bad boy thing. And viscerally she finds him attractive because he makes her feel safe. And so safety is an issue because when a woman becomes pregnant, even if she's not, even in the construct of their relationship, the construct is that she's trying to be pregnant, but it's just in the back of her head,

this guy makes me feel safe at any point in time when I'm vulnerable, which the most vulnerable. Which is what Keith and Robert were saying before, that there's that safety thing. When they're most vulnerable is when they're with child. They need to know that the mate is a viable mate that can keep them safe. And when you're overly sensitive and you're overly sensitive even to their feelings, you're overly sensitive and you're overly sensitive even to their feelings, you're not decisive. Your

indecisiveness reads as beta male weakness and it makes them feel unsafe. So you have to make these, you have to be decisive and define what your masculinity is. Otherwise she's just not going to feel safe. And even if you have a loving

relationship and it feels good because you're a great guy, eventually she will feel unsafe because you're not decisive and you're too nice. And then she either screws some other dude or she leaves you. Wow. And I want to pull out, that was a very, that was amazing. That was a great

argument. Professor. I was not expecting that when Dante sat down. I thought he was, I mean, that was a reason, not enough of a reason analysis. I thought he was just going to talk about, you got to smack these bitches. But I think what's really important, of course, that was a subtext to pull out one piece of what you just said, which is kind of what I was getting at before, but you put it much better is defining your masculinity. And that's what I think. You have to decide what makes you masculine and you have to really stick to that. And you can't look to the female for how am I going to show you that.

She doesn't want you to do that. You kind of have to establish yourself in that way. That makes her feel ultimately the most uncomfortable thing. Right. And when you go out and a girl says, you go, hey, you hungry? She wants you to go, get in the car, let's go. Right. Well, where are we going?

Just be quiet, I got this. We got it. And she's like, oh, okay. Right. And so even in the context of maybe she might consider herself a feminist, it touched something visceral in her that this guy is in control. One of the things that I tell, my podcast is a beige Philip podcast.

I used to do it with Patrice O'Neill. It was the black Philip. We did it on serious with on ONA. And then I picked it up and started, but I, I wanted to be able to escalate the, the discussion further than where we had taken it. And one of the things that I say is that a man,

you as a man, you must put your happiness first because your happiness includes her happiness. So as a man, as we define ourselves as men, being a man means our ability to provide for our family, to provide for our children, to provide for our mates, and the things that we like to do. If you put her happiness, her happiness is based on what emotionally she thinks her desires and her needs are right now. Your happiness, because your ability to provide is directly connected to your manhood. A man who's unable to provide and take care of his family is not a man. That's how we, societally, that's how we.

Looks at it. So if you put your happiness first, your happiness includes hers. Because you can't just be happy knowing that your woman is unhappy and that your kids are hungry. It doesn't exist for us. As men, we want to be able to take care of it. So just by putting your happiness first, everybody gets. Now, when you were pimping, I had no idea that you used to. Dante's a comic.

For those listening, I don't know if we had made that clear. Of course, comics come from all walks of life. I have a law degree. Pete Lee, I don't know what you used to do. Advertising. Advertisements. We've had comics. Wally's an engineer.

Wally who? Wally Collins is an engineer. Well, and this is the first pimp that I've met that has gone into comedy. Where were you pimping? I was all up in New York, up and down the East Coast. And what do you think of this Dennis Hoff guy that runs the Bunny Ranch in Nevada?

I mean, all he did was he just took what guys have been doing for thousands of years, took it to a place that was legal. Yeah, but my point is that the real pimps are doing it illegally. That's where the fun is. But a white guy can do that. A white guy can find a way. A kind of respectable pimp is obeying the law.

Well, a white guy can find a way to make it legal. So he just went to a state where it was legal. You could have gone there, you know. Well, I was a male stri stripper and I knew the female. The way I became... Because a pimp doesn't... You don't decide that you're a pimp. A woman...

That's what I've always said. Pimps are born, not made. Women change you. A woman turns you out. She goes, why don't you... You should... Because they want that protection and that safety and the whatever. Even in the context of that. Even in that context, yeah.

And even as a pimp, you have to be decisive. And your decisiveness is what makes you a good pimp. Like, for instance, I never, when I was pimping, I never just had random sex. Like, I wouldn't go to a party and just pick up a girl and have sex with her because I thought she was cute. Because there's rules. If I'm telling these women

you are to have sex for money only, right? To gain money in the context of the game, then I can't do it either. Right. Which means I just can't.

You're cute and we have sex. I can have sex with you if I'm trying to get you in the stable, but I just can't have random sex with any girl because I think she's cute. What service did you provide to these women in exchange for your commission? Well, there's no commission. You get all the money.

But, I mean, the escort service is different. But what they lived in a house with me. I was their confidant, their friend, their lover, all of those things. And then you paid the bills so they didn't have to worry about paying bills. What about client acquisition? Finding the clients? Well, I mean, there was a lot of ways to do that. What I used to do when I brought her, I would have a girl,

she would go to like a convention center and just like as I was kind of, you know, so in a way interviewing her, I would say, I want to see how you handle a social situation. And so she would go to a convention or something or a bar and flirt with men. And then once the guy, she got the guy interested, she would go, I'm going to the bathroom. And then I would have another girl just give him a card and say,

if you're interested in seeing her, contact this number. And so she actually was creating clientele while I was interviewing her. At the same time. So it was like simultaneously, it was both going on. Well, Dan is considering

a career change potentially so this is why he gets a lot of questions it's exhausting the business paradigm I thought that would be a funny sitcom

or movie that I'm a pimp but I don't think I would do it in real life the other thing is it's exhausting because you literally are the emotional

bridge for all of them for everything that they need. Because the minute you're not, they leave. Wait a minute. I thought you weren't allowed to leave the pimp. Yeah. Nobody can make a prostitute stay with their pimp. They stay.

It's sort of like... But a good pimp that knows what he's doing, that's worth his salt, knows how to manipulate a woman psychologically. I always say it's just, it's sort of like. But a good pimp that knows what he's doing, that's worth his salt, knows how to manipulate a woman psychologically. I always say it's like pigeons. Like in New York, we fly pigeons, right? So people fly pigeons, but you have a coop. It's warm. There's food.

But you let them fly. And then they come back. So even though the cage is open, they come back to the cage and they stay in the cage. So it's understanding what a woman needs to be fulfilled. And you constantly have to be open to that. What could we get? Wait, can I ask you one question before I forgot? Because this is always, I've always been curious about.

Are the women like were there any quote unquote normal women they're all normal they're not people that are like damaged or with daddy issues it just depends the real measure of the pimp is to understand what this woman

what she needs what she needs in her life what she's missing. And I mean, we're all missing things as men, as women, whatever. But it's understanding those cues and understanding what those things that you need. And each one wants something, is looking for something totally different. So it's funny, even when you, you know, it's so counterintuitive because, you know, people are like, okay, this is is but they don't understand that the

gravity of to do that to me at my best I had 12 women at one time so to do that is so you have to know each woman intimately on so many levels emotionally and all kinds of so what's interesting is that you see people with you know know, who have regular square, what I call square relationships, and the guy knows nothing about his woman. He has no idea what turns her on, what doesn't turn her on. And then you have this whole thing about this whole feminist movement about we don't, this, that, that, that. But then Fifty Shades of Grey comes out and millions of women run out to watch this guy

fake rape this girl for two and a half hours. So there's something deeper going on that somebody's not tapping into. No, it's true because with your relationship, people I think just assume like all these girls are, something's wrong with them. But they could be just someone

that you might date or someone might date. You know, I mean, there's a... Here's a... Can we have to go in just a second? What I explain pimping is this was after

I stopped pimping. I had a girl I was dating and I had one of those standing lamps and the little plastic thing on the standing lamp broke. So every time I wanted to turn the light on I had to get a pliers to turn it. So one day I go home

one day I go home and she came to my one day I go home, one day I go home, and she came to my house, and I go to turn the light on because I just have to pull the plug out. I came to put the light on, and there was a little plastic. It was fixed.

And I go, where did the, the light was broken. What happened? She goes, oh, I went to the store. She went to a store. She went to Macy's, found the light, stole the thing off.

Oh, my God. That's pimping. Because she doesn't want me to hurt my fingers in the context of turning the light on. So, I mean, you don't really think of it in that, but that's the kind of dedication that her pleasing me is the most important thing. She couldn't replace the light because you had all the money. Right. Right. Wow.

Well, this was actually afterwards. So she could have. But it was just it's that kind of it's the mentality. Oh, I'm going to go. I know we got to go. But do I have time to ask Dante one more question? Sure you do. So here's the thing.

Like you're talking about like you find out what the woman needs, and I feel like with my woman, I'm calling her my woman. It's already changing. I found out a lot of what she needs, and I try to give her what she needs, but then I'll go over that line. My question is, what she needs or what she wants?

Oh, that's a good question. Yeah, it's probably a lot of what she wants. And that's not, see, like this is. We don't know what we want. That's number one. Right. Sometimes we need people to tell us. It's, you know, what do you want to eat? It needs to be a multiple choice.

Or if you make the decision in front of them, it's even better. But what's really interesting is that I have all these little sayings so you can remember all the rules that I do on my podcast, which is one of the things I say is a woman gives you shit to make sure that you are the shit, meaning she chooses you as this viable mate, but she gives you shit so that you can put her in a place and say, are you out your fucking mind?

But when you create those boundaries, she finds you more attractive because she goes, you're going, this is what my value is. You don't decide what my value is and you'll treat me as according. If you fail the test and you give, then every time you do that, she finds you a little less attractive. Fuck. He's talking about my life. Oh my God. Surreal, Pete. You know what I mean?

It's going to be surreal. But this is, I mean, this is happening because I, this was supposed to happen. Right. Like, it's not like a religious thing,

but like the universe is like, Pete, you need to sit down with people that have wisdom and you need to hear it. And it's because it would be, like I was saying before, it would be a shame for your persona to not have happiness because you are a good person.

And it is a shame that nice guys finish last minute. And it's because they don't, you need that little how to stand your ground. I was doing my podcast with guys listening. It's the Beige Phillips Show. It's on iTunes. You can check it out. But I was getting so many emails and questions and so on and so forth.

I started doing a one-on-one consultation. A very reasonable fee, Pete. Yeah, absolutely. How much do you charge for your consultation? I might take you up on that. How much do you charge, motherfucker? I do $150 an hour. And you hit me at savemedante at gmail.com.

You hit me, tell me what the problem is. I call you back, and I fix it. All right. I think you need a Save Me Dante. I think I actually need one of those. That's pretty great. You know what? You and Dante can decide whether you wish to go forward with that.

We do have to go. And I want to thank Pete Lee. This is a very interesting show. Pete Lee, if you have anything to plug, plug. Go on my Twitter, Pete Lee Tweets. At Pete Lee Sucker. At Pete Lee Twe if you have anything to plug, plug. Go on my Twitter, Pete Lee tweets. At Pete Lee sucker. At Pete Lee tweets. My Instagram is Pete Lee sorry.

Of course. You can see me at the Village Underground on Friday. Well, you're getting a lot more trim than I am these days. Dante Nero. Yeah, well, you know, I have the base. He's got his base Philip show And also if you want

One on one consulting Save me Dante At gmail.com Or you can hit me On at Dante Nero All the information is there The alpha male in you Bringing out the alpha male

In you Since 2005 One more thing to plug Go see my girlfriend's Movie Sisters On December 18th I want to see that anyway I don't think

Really good And our The inimitable You should not be plugging your girl's movie. That's what I wanted. That's the last free advice you're going to get from Dante. We're now on 150 an hour. That's right.

Chris Montella. Yeah. Always a pleasure. You too, Dan. It was a good show. It was a fine show and thank you everybody and we'll see you next time.

Good night. Good night.