The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Ray Ellin, Lori Palminteri & WSJ Relationship Columnist

Episode Date: February 7, 2017

Ray Ellin is a NYC-based stand-up comedian and a frequent performer at the Comedy Cellar.  Lori Palminteri is a NYC-based stand-up comedian and a frequent performer at the Comedy Cellar. Elizabeth Bernstein is a relationship columnist for the Wall Street Journal.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. All right, should we start? Yeah, go ahead. It's not the same without Kristen. I understand. Go ahead. What will the dress then? Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're here with Dan Natterman. Yeah.

My name is Noam Dwarman. I'm the owner of The Comedy Cellar. I'm afraid that maybe Kristen Gonzalez has quit the show. There's no maybe about it. She sent us an explicit email saying, I'm quitting the show. Well. Now, whether or not she'll change her mind, I don't know. But she has officially quit.

Yeah, I'm hoping. Her beloved meatball died and was an awesome dog, by the way. And I'm hoping that she's just in an emotional downward spiral and that she'll turn around

and she'll come back to us because it's not going to be the same without her. It's just not the same without her. Anyway. Yes. Well, we'll see. All Dan can think of is that it's more time to be the same without her. It's just not the same without her. Anyway. Yes. Well, we'll see. All Dan can think of is that it's more time for him to talk. So, and we're joined today by Laurie Palminteri. Thanks for having me.

By the way, I'm on medication called MedDraw, which is some sort of steroid because I have frozen shoulder. And it's zombifying me a little bit. So who knows? We'll play it by ear. But I may or may not pass out in the middle of the show. But I feel very fatigued. Anyway, Laurie, you're a comedian.

That's right. That works here at the Comedy Cellar. But you have not been on the schedule recently, as we discussed before the show. We did discuss this. So I don't know what that's due to. I was going to do one thing. Angelica, can I have some napkins? Dan said something funny

and I spilled my coffee all over myself. What did I say? I'm kidding. I've been very serious so far. I'm saying, go ahead. Let me say something about Dan. First of all, he does this all the time. He asks a question, supposedly innocent.

Right. And I think he full well knows the answer, or at least very much has a high degree of certainty what the answer is. And the question is really designed more to put me in an uncomfortable position than it is to glean any information he didn't have. He did it with Janine Garofalo. I remember, I forget what he asked her. And he did it with somebody else. And now, so Laurie's here, he goes, so Laurie, have you been on the schedule lately?

Now, Dan is here every night. He must have noticed. He must have known you were not on the schedule. I'm not here every night. Number one. Number two, if he's not sure, you'd think that you would ask it, you know. I did ask it privately.

You don't ask it. You didn't ask it privately. You asked it right in front of me. No, I asked it over at the table when we were all sitting over there five minutes ago. Yeah, but in other words, it puts me on the spot and it makes her uncomfortable. But we have to balance that against the interesting factor.

This is the Comedy Cellar radio show. We have here a comedian that works at the Comedy Cellar, but I haven't seen her on the schedule. And if we're going to talk to Laurie Palminteri on the Comedy Cellar, but I haven't seen her on the schedule. And if we're going to talk to Laurie Palminteri on the Comedy Cellar show, don't you think we need to ask about the Comedy Cellar? Yes, go ahead. We have her here to talk about sex.

Oh, okay. But we don't have the sex therapist here yet, so this is preliminary. Well, Laurie, I mean, I've never seen Laurie perform, to be honest. Dry as a bone and funny as you please. I know that Colin Quinn is a big fan of hers. That's correct, right?

Do you open for Colin sometimes? Yeah. So the last person I saw opening for Colin was Amy Schumer way back when. So that's a good pedigree. And then her Facebook posts always make me laugh. They're always very dry. Okay, so we're getting somewhere. So maybe it's time for you, because you've

said to me before the show that Esty, the booker, does not monitor the comics as closely as she used to. Neither of us are down there as much as we used to be. It's easier to slip through the cracks. Yes, I believe that's true. So what I'm going to do is, where else do you play?

I'm going to investigate. Lori says, I can tell my career is back on the up and up because I'm getting stalkers again. You know, I like that. It's true. We do need women. I know this is a pretty controversial thing to say, but I know a lot of straight white men who are really awesome. Nothing, Dan? Yeah, you know why I'm a hard nut to say, but I know a lot of straight white men who are really awesome. Nothing, Dan? Yeah, you know why I'm hard not to crack, especially on Medro.

The only legitimate not-for-profits that exist are the thousands of shows comics do for free. That's definitely true. That's a little Alexandra-ish, but I'll take it. By the way, something here about why are we boycotting Uber? Did I miss this? Well, you did miss it. It's a big story because apparently Uber, when all those protesters

were at JFK and at the airports protesting, Uber, and I believe the cabs were striking or something like that in solidarity

with the Muslims. So Uber dropped their surge pricing so as to get all the customers or something like that. Yeah, something like that. They dropped their surge pricing. I wasn't really sure. I'm not exactly

sure. I thought we were boycotting them because of their surge pricing, which was the problem with Uber. That would be a reason why I would boycott. We're boycotting them because they did something that was apparently not in solidarity arguably in solidarity with the protesters. It's a cousin of like crossing a picket line.

Is that what it is if I'm hearing it right? Yeah, I mean, I guess. Look, it's hard to tell nowadays what's going to get you into trouble. They're a company. They're providing a service. I'm not exactly clear on it, so I don't want to. They're providing a service which is so beloved by the people of New York City. No boycott

will last against Uber. Do you use Uber, Lori? Occasionally, yeah. It's great. When you're at your home and you're like, oh, but social justice. No, no, I think I'll walk. Not going to happen. Well, it has happened. A lot of people have deleted Uber, especially because there's a lot of competition.

Well, there's a lot of competition. Lyft, I use VIA. I barely use Uber. I'm a VIA guy. That's me. VIA is a little bit different. VIA is a shared ride. It's cheaper, but you have to share it with several people. But you do that to pick up women.

No, I don't. I do that to save money. But it so happens that most of the people I share a ride with happen to be attractive women. I've noticed that. Now, I've never gotten a phone number. But if you're going to share a ride, wouldn't you rather share one with an attractive lady? And the savings can't be beat. By the way, have you ever worked with Lori?

Yeah, we worked together. Not in a while. Here and there. She'd be a good companion. Do you have a boyfriend? I don't know. Here and there. Here and there. She'd be a good companion. Do you have a boyfriend? I don't know. Well, you're making it awkward.

You know, not more than five minutes ago, you said that I put you in an awkward position. That's true. I think it was revenge. And of course, you're putting me in an awkward position.

I think it was revenge. Lori's a very young girl. I'm an older fellow. So I don't know what her upper age limit is. Oh, an older fellow. So I don't know what her upper age limit is. Oh, the comedy seller. We'll try to get you back in as best we can.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Are you missing it? Oh, of course. Absolutely. Where are you working now mostly? I'm from Long Island, so I do the Long Island clubs quite a bit. Stand Up New York or Broadway, whatever. Do you do Creek in the Cave? Not usually, no.

Because our producer, Steve Calabria, says that Creek in the Cave is like the future of comedy. No, I don't go to Creek in the Cave that much. I think the Creek in the Cave has its place, whether it's the future of comedy. The Cellar is the present and the future of comedy in New York. As far as I'm concerned, I don't see anybody replacing The Cellar. You probably think it's bad luck to say that. So do you want to talk about, should we bring the guest on? Or do you want to talk about this Trump thing, the travel ban?

You have thoughts on it, Dan? Well, do you want to? Sure. Or do you want to bring the sex person in and we'll get to Trump later? No, no, want to? Sure. Or do you want to bring the sex person in and we'll get to Trump later? No, no. Get to it now. It seems to be a burning thing, but Laurie must have thoughts on it. Well, my thoughts are that the ban seems probably ill-conceived and ineffective,

but I don't necessarily see it as racist, and I think people are getting a little nutty. But, you know, I don't dare post shit like that on Facebook. You just say it on the radio. I say it on the radio. Well, that's a good point. Because on Facebook, I'm going to get an immediate response. You did post something on Facebook. I did, but it was fairly benign.

No, it wasn't. What did you post? I posted as follows. There has been the argument that it's unconstitutional to ban Muslims from America. People have made the argument, this is against freedom of religion and the establishment of religion, whatever. I made the point that, well, if that's unconstitutional, then wouldn't it also be unconstitutional to vet people more rigorously from Muslim nations? Because in both cases, you're treating people differently based on their religion. So that was my statement.

And then I followed up by saying, quite frankly, I don't think either are unconstitutional. Whether they're moral, immoral, good policy, bad policy. And my answer was, Dan's obviously given up on having a career. That was as benign a statement as I could make. Can we talk about Facebook?

I'm tired of Facebook. Whoever thought that Facebook would descend into just a fucking hate book or vent book, whatever everybody just spouting out their uninformed, shallow politics in a obvious, you don't have to be Sigmund

Freud to see that people are just trying to show other people how good they are, how concerned they are. It's all lemmings and bandwagon and however you want to put it. There's scarcely an original thought on Facebook. And people who do have an original thought are afraid to post them.

I don't know. I'm tired of it. In particular because most of my, or many of my Facebook friends are very, very liberal. And, you know, for that, if I were just in a world of conservatives, then, you know, but then I would post, but then I would be afraid to post more liberal things, you know, so. The point is that people just, it's really, I mean, people love being angry.

People love being outraged. I said this one time, like, if you could, you know, there's those experiments with the rats. They get cocaine if they touch a bar, and they just keep touching the bar until they die rather than even eat anything. If you could allow people to touch a bar to get that delicious feeling of moral indignation, they would just press it all day long until

they drop dead. I'm convinced of it. This is what's going on in Facebook. They just love to show how good they are and how much they love. And it's bullshit because what I had said about this travel ban thing, and I'm against the travel ban, I think for the reasons you are

because it just seems not going to work and it's ham-handed as it would be an understatement the way they rolled it out, amateurish. But 450,000 Syrians died because Obama didn't want to, and I saw the numbers, like he let in 500 refugees one year and 1,300 the next year.

And nobody was on Facebook going crazy about it. Nobody was crying on Facebook. Everybody around Obama, Petraeus, Hillary Clinton, Robert Gates, his entire team was urging him, do something about Syria, don't pull out, arm the rebels, don't let Putin in, I mean, you name it.

So you have a mini-genocide of almost 500,000 people that doesn't get a rise out of anybody on Facebook. But a halt to this tiny trickle of refugees, you're talking about a few thousand people. People literally can't even get up and go to work anymore. It doesn't make sense.

It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. That's all I'd say. Am I wrong? Let's make something. The outrage is just so selective. And it's really for public consumption. Do you think any of these people, if not for Facebook,

do you think these people would be walking around their homes with this level of emotion about this thing? No. They work themselves up into a lather to express it to their friends on Facebook so their friends say, wow, he really cares, you know? That's what I think. I don't know. I agree with that.

I think Facebook is really perpetuating hysteria to an unnecessary degree. And I think really everything that has been said has been said already and way too much more. I think that people just need to just calm down a little bit. I don't think that it's as terrible as people are making out to be on Facebook all the time. You seem nervous, Laura. Are you nervous? No, I don't think so. You want a drink?

This is how I seem, always. You want a glass of wine? No, that's right. I'm good. Thank you. She took her glasses off, and I don't know what significance that has. Oh, just because it would go in the headphones. Ray, come sit down.

Let me call over Elizabeth. All right. Well, perfect timing, because we have a guest now that... Did you just knock over... Oh, Ray that this is Aruba Ray Allen who blew out his hair for the occasion. I got to keep talking and I got to fix Ray. Ray clumsily knocked over the microphone and now I got to fix it for him. But I did want to talk to Aruba Ray about some of the things you said last time. We'll get to that.

But first let's introduce our guest. Okay. Well, go ahead.'s introduce our guest. Okay. Well, go ahead. Introduce the guest. Okay. So, he can come sit here if he wants. Yeah, hit it. So, we have a guest.

You sit here. Let me plug in your microphone for you. A lot of hiss. All right. Okay. So we have with us Elizabeth Bernstein is a Wall Street Journal reporter who writes a relationship column called Bonds. B-O-N-D-S. I got to warn you right now.

Is that Elizabeth Bernstein? Yes. I got to warn you now. Noam has been known to be hostile to the press. And she wrote a little fake news here, how to rekindle sexual desire in a long-term relationship. No, she wrote a column, how to rekindle sexual desire in a long-term relationship, which I found interesting.

I'm in a long-term relationship. And she wrote a lot of interesting pointers. It is difficult to keep sexual desire. Are you in a long-term relationship? Not anymore. Thank you for coming. So speak into the mic. I'm an expert.

So tell us, I really want to get right into what the tips are, but just before that, what's your expertise to be telling? So I write a column about relationships of all kinds. This is what I do full-time, is look at the research, talk to shrinks, talk to people about... I'm the person who has to get people to go on the record for the Wall Street Journal about their sex life. That's an expertise.

Okay. So now, what is... I mean, Ray, you've never had a long-term relationship. That's not true. Six years. He's a real cockspin. Six years? Six years. Faith cockspin. He's like, you know, six years? Six years. Faithful? Sure. While we were together, yeah. No. Tell the truth. Yeah, while we were together, yeah.

He said, first of all, what qualifies as a long-term relationship? Well, it could be anything, really. It's past the honeymoon stage, so that's going to be two years, 18 months, so anything beyond that. But, you know, some relationships

go on for decades and decades. At peak sexual desire? No. No. Take it easy. No, no, this is what I'm writing about. Don't get ahead of yourself. So, if you had to give me advice, what are the three most important things I can do to keep my marriage

hot? What is the state of your marriage, the temperature, if you will? Let her answer. We need to know how's it going right now. My wife is pregnant. That's pretty good. So I did that. That speaks for itself. How long is your relationship?

We've been together on and off for 20-something years. Faithful? Well, on and off, Ray. We've been married forsomething years. Faithful? Faithful? Well, on and off, Ray. Yes. No, no, I haven't. I was not. I mean, we've been married for six years.

I've been faithful so long as we've been married. I was unfaithful at times during the time we were dating. Now, no one admitted to being unfaithful. Ray, can you admit to that? I was on and off for six years, so while we were together, I was faithful. We have a writer from the Wall Street Journal here,

for Christ's sake. Can you let her answer? Come on. I know we do. We also a writer from the Wall Street Journal here, for Christ's sake. Can you let her answer? Come on. I know we do. We also have the world's greatest coxswain. What are the three things that... Well, the craziest and number one people don't want to hear is be nice. You know, be nice.

I tell my wife that all the time. Can you please be nice to me? No, I'm serious. It really matters. You have to listen. People don't want to listen to the other person. You can say, how's your day? But you really have to listen.

That's like the number one thing. That's number one. By the way, you're absolutely right. This is research-based. I'm actually telling you what the actual experts will tell you. Is this how to keep a marriage together or how to keep the sex hot? How to keep the sex hot. If my wife

makes me a sandwich, I just want to jump her bones. Just one little nice thing for me. I just, and I felt for a long time, I know you're not supposed to say this, but I felt for a long time that it's almost, that it's almost primal.

Like, when my wife will make dinner, I just feel something that, you know, I don't know if it's sexist or whatever it is, but I really feel it. Like, you know, it just feels great

when she makes me dinner. Yeah, it's a big thing. And if she listens, if any of her spouse listens to you, you just feel like, oh, they've heard. Okay, never mind. And yet she's pregnant. She really doesn't. She really doesn't listen, and she interrupts.

These are her things. She tries to control sometimes, but that's just the way she is. Okay, but be nice. But she is nice. Yeah. She is nice. So. So she is nice. So you want to know the number two? Yes. It's new sexual positions.

So trying something new. So this latest baby was conceived... I didn't read that. That was in the article? New sexual positions? No, I'm giving you all my expertise. Oh, but that wasn't in the article. Okay, well, new sexual positions. Okay. Okay, well, new sexual positions. Okay.

I mean, there are only so many, though, really. Well, there's hundreds. Well, there's hundreds, but 97 of those are not comfortable out of 100. Well, you know, you've got to do yoga and weight lift and go to the gym, maybe. They'll be more comfortable. I'm going to take issue with the new sexual positions one because you have to actually be horny and hot to actually even get to the point where you're trying a new sexual position.

It's just saying to rev it up. So the other one is, so there's listen, there's caring, but also you want to validate. So if your partner is telling you something and you want to agree, you want to validate them. Okay, but what if they're doing something wrong? Do you want to chastise them? No.

You never want to chastise them. Easy with the teeth? Yeah. Try to talk right in the mic. How do you politely tell a woman, and this is necessarily not necessarily in a long-term context, but how do you tell a woman that she doesn't know what she's doing, that she's an incompetent?

Are we talking in the bedroom? Sexually? He means sexually, yeah. I'm talking about a blowjob. Oh, Dan. She's from the Wall Street Journal. Wall Street Journal people clearly make fun of. She's not from the Times.

Are you trying to get me fired? Well, she's writing about sex, and that's an important part of sex. She's writing about how to keep long-term relations. This is a problem in marriages. Marriages break up all the time because they lose their intensity. I have an answer.

Oh, he has an answer. Of course, he studied this. Go ahead, go ahead. I do have an answer. He studied it. You do not chastise, but what you do do is say what you like. You bring up what you like.

Don't you think a lot of relationships do start to suffer because, you know, the stereotype that women, once they get married, they don't want to, you know, perform on their husbands down the road. I mean, I hear that all the time. For my married friends. Well, I just think that's across the board.

Yeah. I think it's across the board for everybody. That's a huge problem. Yeah. So, as Dan was saying, I mean, if someone isn't really good at it or doesn't want to do it, what do you do if they just don't want to do the thing you want? Well, that's a little, he's saying, can you tell them I didn't like how it was done? Okay.

So, you sort of say, this is how I like how it's done. If they, well, that's a little he's saying, can you tell him I didn't like how it was done? So you sort of say, this is how I like how it's done. Well, it's two things. If they don't want to do, you're kind of I hate to say it, screwed. But there is also research that shows that happier couples, couples are happier when

someone, when you do things that you maybe don't get jazzed up about yourself. So there is a reason for that couple you do things that you maybe don't get jazzed up about yourself. So there is a reason for that couple to do things. I know exactly what you're referring to. Anal. And it hurts. Oh, guys.

You know, I really thought you wouldn't descend into an infantile high school. You thought that did you? You're bringing in a sex therapist. You're not a sex therapist. I'm not a sex therapist. A journalist covering sex. I thought it was interesting in your article you talk about in the beginning of a relationship. You read the article?

Yes, I even have it here. Go ahead, Laurie. But you said that the neurotransmitters such as dopamine in the beginning of a relationship light up a brain as if they were on drugs, which is something that I did not know, which also makes sense for like after you're together for some time. If I could just interject that, just very briefly, and we'll get right to our guest, but I've lately been masturbating

and it helps my frozen shoulder. Okay, Dan, shut up, please. Come on. Lori was making a good point, Dan. No, because the endorphins. I think you have a problem. The endorphins. Go ahead.

No, I think you got a problem. I'm going to show you. I'm going to settle your problem. So go ahead, ahead. No, I think you got a problem. I'm going to show you. I'm going to settle your problem. So go ahead, Lori. No, I just think that I never knew that. They actually have scanned brains, and brains in that early part of love look like brains on heroin. Early part of love. It's a very similar thing, yeah, because you're getting an actual fix of all these hormones, oxytocin, vasopressin.

So this actually ties into what you were saying a little earlier. When you said, when your wife does something like make you a meal, you just want to jump her, do you think that you associate that kind gesture to love and maybe that goes back to something deep into your past? I mean, maybe, right? Have you studied at all

whether or not the term, listen, I mean, there is a word for the, you have children? No. Well, there's a word, we have parents. There's a word. She's a great coach, not a great player.

Those who can't teach. There's a word for the feeling that one has towards their child. And that word is love. And that is a, that's a particular feeling that never wanes, it never wears off,

it doesn't extinguish with long-term contact. And we use that same word to describe the relationship between a man and a woman. And I believe the brain scan would show two totally different parts of the brain

lighting up with those feelings. Whatever it is that lights up when I'm in love with a woman does not light up when I look at my daughter. No, because it's sexual attraction that's going to light up, hopefully, not with your daughter. Yeah, so you're using the word love, but I really think you're just talking about sexual attraction.

Well, we're talking about an actual chemical dependency. You know what love is? When the same part that you love that lights up for your children lights up for your wife. That's love. But go ahead. Well, there's a name for it. That's like long-term love or romantic loves.

But what was in the article, what we're talking about, those hormones that only last. Those hormones that are firing like heroin sort of in your brain, that oxytocin, that's not the same as this long-term love. So why can't we take these hormones? Well, there's a lot of things well you can actually you can sniff them they're trying to like get it but it's not widely used why not what are we toying around for but here's the thing touch

sex orgasms they all promote them that's what they fire in your brain like that so you can when you say we sniff them you mean are you talking about pheromones are you talking about illegal drugs no there's like hormones in your brain oxytoc So you can't get it out of the way. When you say we sniff them, you mean, are you talking about pheromones? Are you talking about illegal drugs? No, there's like hormones in your brain, oxytocin, vasopressin. You can get oxytocin sprays.

Yeah, that's right. Where can I get this? On the internet. It's perfectly legal. I'm the king of oxytocin. Is that like a Mickey? Can you spray it on somebody else? Like Catwoman did to Batman?

Well, you'd have to do it really close, but they do say that you can make somebody like you more. But you have to do it right up their nose. You didn't see as I walked by you and sat down, Laurie, my hand reached right by your face. That's amazing. You can do it, but also, like I said, you can do it with touch. You can do it looking into each other's eyes. Don't look at me. But there's actually

even research that people and dogs, when dogs, they're getting the same hormonal fix when they're staring into your eyes. You should come by the Fat Black Closet between 4 and 5 in the morning. You'll see oxytocin flying all over the place. You need a black light to see it. You also said in your article that, and this is a beef I have with my wife,

like I don't want to walk in when I'm in the bathroom. I don't want to go in when she's in the bathroom. I don't, like I just, I don't, I don't. And she freaks out. I'm like, I don't think it's good. I don't want to see you peeing. I just don't, I don't.

Well, peeing is very erotic for many people. Not for me. Okay. So is the other thing for some people too, Dan.

Well, far fewer, yes, but you're quite right. But I'm just saying, she says in her article, It's a buzz killer for sexual desire.

And I think Jewish law or the Kabbalah says the same thing. to Hamacha. The Talmud also says something about how women should keep their bodies... If anybody doesn't know... Dan, shut up! Women should keep their bodies as a treat for a man.

Well, it kills sort of desire. That kills the mystery, too. You're too intimate, and it's not an emotional intimacy. It's like a boring intimacy. There's a woman I dated a few months ago, and she said to me, she said, you know, I never want to get so comfortable with someone, because she had been married before, where like you're doing your bathroom stuff in front of each other. She's like, it's a total buzzkill.

And I was kind of like, good, it's nice of you to hear that, because I dated other people who said the exact opposite. And I'm like, you're out of your, no, your husband does want to hear you burp and fart and whatever else. Typically, they don't want to. No, it's a buzzkill. And vice versa. It's a buzzkill.

I fear that there's a difference between men and women on this because I think that sometimes women feel maternal in a relationship with a man. And those things are part of the maternal thing. They might be more tolerant than men. Where men do not want to be bothered. They don't want that in their... They don't want to see it. And I think the research shows it's just the wrong kind of intimacy.

It's like that we're too familiar. There's not that mystery. And it's just gross. But don't you find that we are... That the golden shower has never been more popular. It's never been more talked about. And I know more and more people that tell me they're into it. That's a follow-up article by Elizabeth.

I know plenty of people that have... Besides Jim Norton, who's told you they're into it? I don't want to say necessarily, but people that admit it to me that they enjoy this. Really? Are you into this now?

Doing it or receiving it? I've never done either, but I do enjoy watching a girl go tinkle. Oh, God. You're so naughty. Now, let me ask you, anything else you want to ask about the article? Because the article's great. This was not in the article, but it's something that I just write on my own.

So one of the things that psychology talks about is, like, after seven years, a lot of marriages fall apart. And one of the theories is that it takes, like, seven years to raise a kid to get him to basically take care of himself. And then like evolution is like, oh, you don't really need this other person to raise this child anymore necessarily. And I don't know if that's true or not. It's true from an evolutionary standpoint, but it's about two years in the evolutionary standpoint. It takes like a human baby like two years to sort of be a little bit viable and anybody could take care of them. And so that's why that chemical fix is you're so basically addicted of these hormones in your brain to the person you're in love with for that amount of time. What you're basically saying here is, well, you know, you have techniques, kindness, different sexual positions, and these are band-aidsids but there's nothing like new pussy.

Oh, Dan. I'm sorry. I mean, but am I right? I mean, like at the end of the day, you can do what you can and God bless you and we're all rooting for you, Noam. But at the end of the day,

it's not going to be like a new... It just can't be. Even with all your little fixes and tricks of the trade. Well, guess what? The same person all the time. And that's what I'm saying. And I just said, and tricks and tricks of the trade. Well, Giselle is the same person all the time. And that's what I'm saying. And I just said, and Norm just dives me.

And yes, you didn't use the word that I used. I just, when you have a new guest, you don't know what their sense is. Listen, we're living in a dangerous world right now. I do know what her sense is. I read her article. Because I felt it immediately. Yeah, he felt the pheromones and the oxytocin. Not pheromones.

Come on, Ray. I felt it immediately. Like, I know this girl. This could be my sister, I know this girl. This could be my sister. I know this girl. I read an article yesterday that said that when you see a pregnant woman, you should not call her an expectant mother because you don't know that she's going to be a mother. She could be a father.

A fatso. Oh. Because gender is fluid. Oh, God. And women are upset, or they are upset about this, that if you shouldn't be, and it's actually not even generally

the expectant human, it's the person who hears you call them expectant. Wait, wait, wait. So the pregnant woman is upset about this, or is not? You said women are getting upset about this? No, I think that it's really just people. Apparently there was a lot of backlash.

Where's Steven? You want to tell a story about your text message thing with your transgender? It sounds like it's the PC police that are getting upset about this. Well, he needs a microphone. There was a lot of backlash. This is amazing. There was a lot of backlash during the Women's March

because they had a lot of signs with pussy this and pussy that. And transgender women were offended because you don't need to have a vagina to be a woman. It's kind of like superior. So he had a big Facebook fight with who? With my transgender cousin, female to male. And she reposted a meme that someone posted talking about to all the transgender women who marched,

I identify with the fact that you're upset because genitalia does not equal womanhood. So women marching in the women's march with pictures of genitalia does not equal womanhood. So women marching in the women's march with pictures of genitalia or making puns about vaginas or whatever, this was not representative of all women because you don't have to have a vagina to be a woman. And just because you have a woman

doesn't mean you have a vagina. So she was offended? Yeah, he was very offended. My transgender cousin, who is now a male, was offended. He was offended. Yes. And they got into a big argument about it, and some of the arguments were just... Well, you know...

Here, let me pull it up. Pull it up. I mean, it's... I don't know... And while you're looking it up... The Ministry Journal is kind of like a... Hasn't succumbed to this yet. But he's getting...

He, she is getting upset over this. It's a he. It's a he. Okay, he, I'm not trying to be funny there. He is getting upset, but look at the intent of all the people marching. They weren't marching

to be assholes. They were marching to defend women. So you shouldn't be that offended by the signs. People, they don't look at the fucking intent

and it's infuriating with everything these days. Well, oddly enough, I have to say, Ray Allen is right. Doesn't happen every day. It happens almost never. I think that, I don't know, have you thought about this trend? I have not thought about this trend.

I'm stuck on another idea. You should just never tell a woman, or anybody, you should never assume anybody's pregnant. What if they're just not? Because I'm back to that. I mean, I can't, I've tripped on that. Sometimes it's clear. Yeah, I don't know. I've been down that road.

Well, you do have to be exceedingly careful if you don't really know for sure. Yeah, but sometimes it's truly, or they'll say, wait, I'm pregnant. You know, I had a big fight in another podcast. Like, are you not a parent? Like, if my daughter runs track in high school and some

transgender male to female you know, a boy realizes he'd rather be a woman and becomes a woman and just like zooms past her on the track and I'm going to be like, this is not fair. It's not fair to expect my daughter to compete.

I mean, I just know the Soviets or the Russians are just going to have all, this is not fair. It's not fair to expect my daughter to compete. I just know the Soviets or the Russians are just going to have all their weightlifters in wigs in 2020 and they're all going to be winning all the female weightlifting. Of course they would do that, right? They started growing their hair long now. So at some point, nature

just can't be bent to give us the world that we'd like it to be, which is that everybody can decide if they're a man or a woman, and it doesn't matter. It just doesn't work that way. With regard to athletics, I can't speak for the future high school that Mila's going to go to,

but I believe in Olympic competition, they do have rules about genetic men competing as women. Right, but the transgender community is furious about this. Go ahead, Steven, you got it? Are they furious about it? Yes, yes. It's a very hot issue, and I think they may win. I don't know.

Go ahead. All right, so my cousin reposted a meme that says, to all the trans women out marching amidst signs that center feminism around having a vagina, I see you, you matter, thank you. And my cousin commented, saw lots of this from cis allies, in quotation marks, recently. So implying that people who, quote, center their femininity around having a vagina are therefore not allies of the transgender community

because they are not, at the very least least paying lip service to the transgender cause and i commented on that and i had something of a problem with that because well the way i put it was so you're saying it's impossible for them to have marched with signs cheekily discussing their vaginas and still have been allies in your cause, those women arguing for their own inclusion are not thereby arguing for the exclusion of others. Does that make sense? Yes. My cousin got very offended. The point is that he's like a flaming liberal.

At the point where... Stephen Calabrian. Yeah, where they've lost him, they're fighting a losing battle. And I got called a racist by the end because I said, number one, it is possible for transgender people to be discriminatory against cisgender people.

And my cousin had a huge problem with that because the argument being you have to have power in order to be discriminatory and oppressive. That's a classic argument. Yeah, people have said that. Early 20s, mid-20s? Well, there's a classic argument that black people can't be racist because...

Well, that was the next argument, that there's no such thing as reverse racism. And I made an example of a black shopkeeper who kicked me out of his shop because I was white. And he told me that. He told me that you are not welcome here because you're white. What about the guy today on Facebook? He was Indian, and he posted a thing about how, you and I were on that thread, Dan, where he posted how he doesn't feel bad for white homeless people. He tries

to, but he doesn't, because if they're able-bodied and white, and he doesn't feel bad for them, he tries. And I wrote, I go, A, a lot of these people might be veterans. Why don't you have some sympathy until you've served? And B, even if they're not veterans, how about just saying to yourself, maybe they got a raw deal. Maybe they're on drugs. Maybe they got beat up by their parents.

I mean, who are you to judge and why should we feel bad for you if you're sitting there going, well, he's white and he's able-bodied. I mean, people are out of their fucking minds. It's terrible. I mean, I think we can agree on that part. That people are out of their minds?

No, I will say one more thing about this. I felt that when I was, I told Steve, when I was growing growing up, which was I'm old enough to remember Martin Luther King and when he died. And we were taught very much misconduct of your character, not the color of your skin. Meaning the goal was clearly that someday the world will be, well, no one will care what color. And diversity wasn't the goal. Diversity was something you looked at in other words if it was all white people somewhere you'd say wait a second

something may be amiss here because if people were being fair there would be some diversity so it was kind of something you looked to as a evidence of bigotry going on in this day and age it's not that at all we are nobody's talking about a colorless world.

It's all about clinging for dear life on every progressively smaller difference we can find between us, counting it all up, doing the math, making sure that we include every— and I think this is a formula for a society which will never be, have a social fabric again. You can't, when you can openly say, I don't, this homeless person matters because he's black, and this one matters more, and this one, white, it's like they're homeless people. They each have their own biography. Some of them may be mentally ill. I mean, what difference

does it make, right? I agree. And, but the real, and this goes to, you know, the whole Trump movement, it's like people don't call people out on this. This is socially acceptable to be openly, you know, you couldn't, if you said this in the 70s, liberals, the McGovern types, would have been repulsed by it. Yeah, correct. That's my, that's my. Outrageous times.

That's my sermon. Can I talk about the Wall Street Journal? I think the Wall Street Journal is the only good newspaper in the country today. Awesome to hear. You're saying that because I'm sitting here? No. I read the Wall Street Journal. I read the Times.

I sometimes read the Washington Post. I notice all the time that if I read an article in the Wall Street Journal and then I read the same story or the Times. The choice of words in the Wall Street Journal is always more objective, always has fewer hidden assumptions in the way they write it. There's always a better attempt to bring out the other side in a way which is fair to the other side rather than just in a way to kind of make them look ridiculous. And I was a huge fan of James Taranto, but he's not writing anymore. What's the backstory? I don't know.

I don't know that story. I really want to know that story. Did you write for the Wall Street Journal? I did. Are you a freelance writer that has articles in the Wall Street Journal? No, I'm a columnist on staff at the journal. I write this column about relationships. I got you.

That's why I write about sex all the time. Oh, very cool. Do you know Dorothy Rabinowitz? Yeah. I haven't seen her in many, many years. Well, she wrote a book about old age homes with my aunt years and years and years ago. Just a coincidence. Were they friends?

Obviously. I don't think their relationship ended well. But they were co-authors. They were co-authors. The book was called Home Life. And my aunt was horrible. I'm sure they couldn't have ended well because my aunt had no relationship that ended nicely.

But it's not easy to write a book together either. No, it's not easy. I remember seeing it. That'll break up a marriage. Back to sex. I met the woman yesterday who invented the home pregnancy test. She's my friend's neighbor. She's probably in her 60s, I guess. I don't know her name. It's fascinating, though. Really cool lady.

Did she say how? Was it an accident? We didn't get enough in depth, so I probably never even should have brought this up. I really want to find out about how do we get a hold of these, what are they called, the chemicals that you spray? The oxytocin or something?

Oxycontin? I think we should get a hold of this and spray it around before a radio show. Bars and bars. Straight up. The subway. I mean.

It's like Spanish fly, the mythical Spanish fly that people used to talk about. Like Bill Cosby had that whole bit about Spanish fly. Yeah, he wasn't so mythical. Well, you know. I feel more. But the idea of a real aphrodisiac. Well, let's talk about that. Is there real aphrodisiac. Well, let's talk about that. Is there an aphrodisiac?

Alcohol. Is alcohol an aphrodisiac? Yeah, but I'm already telling you, be nice. I've already told you. It's being nice. Nobody wants to hear it. A lot of women, I think, would disagree with you, though. When they're at the club getting their groove on,

they're not looking for a guy who's going to be kind to them. No. That's a different context. But remember, I'm talking about relationships. We're just talking long term. Yeah, you're right. But, you know... Is there a natural difference between men and women in how well they deal with monogamy?

Well, you know the answer to that question. Oh, never mind then. I think we know the answer to that. But although there's a lot of research that show women cheat a lot as well. Why do they cheat? Well, they cheat when they feel like they're not being heard. Both sexes cheat when they feel like they're not getting what they want in the relationship, whatever that is. It's usually emotional.

I was going to say, do you think women cheat more for emotional reasons? It's tied to money, too. It's tied to who's the breadwinner. I'm so happy you're saying this. Men, where they make less, cheat. And women, it's the one who makes less Who cheats often Really

But you think the women Generally cheat more Out of a lack In something emotional It's true for men too That's why men cheat Really Men cheat for that

And other reasons Yeah but they're cheap But if they They really feel loved at home And heard And these things we're talking about Like in a long term relationship They tend not to cheat as much

Lori do you ever You ever cheat on boyfriends I about, like in a long-term relationship, they tend not to cheat as much. Lori, do you ever cheat on boyfriends? I've never been in a long-term relationship. Gotcha. Well, Lori is a comedian. And if you're not familiar with this world that we inhabit, and I suppose you're not because you're a writer for the Wall Street Journal, we are a special group

in terms of our sexual histories. Ray, whom you've met. Hi. Ray is the most normal. Tell your sex life. Yours is the most interesting. I don't believe so. No, I have great issues

with long-term intimacy. The women that I want are the ones that I can't get, which is the same old story. And I'm 47 years old, and I've never really been in a long-term relationship as that is. Now, Lori's much younger than me.

Lori's a sweet, sweet young, what is it, 26? I'm 27. So young. Lori's hot. She's very cute very pretty very attractive young lady let's all fawn over Laurie and she doesn't know it

which is even even more erotic do you like a guy who's nice to you? yeah but I I like smart asses I mean

I'm a comic Laurie is a comic I like smart asses I've been actually very cold towards guys they've been really nice to me comics at the end of the day I'm a comic. Laurie is a comic. I like smart asses. I've been actually very cold towards guys. They've been really nice to me. Comics, at the end of the day. I'm really attracted to smart asses. Female comics, I said it before, they love male comics.

That's it. That's all there is to it. That's that. Right? Am I right? I never dated a comic. I kind of had it as a rule. Yeah, but that's a rule that's made to be broken.

No, seriously. Well, Ali Wong married a non-comic, right? I believe. Yeah, but that's a rule that's made to be broken. Seriously. Well, Ali Wong married a non-comic, right? I believe. Yeah, but he went to Harvard Business School. Ah, there you go. But you've had many crushes on male comics.

Oh, yeah, sure. That's what I'm getting at. Well, listen, I think the guy who I know who got the most women was Dave Attell. Well, you say that

with no proof. I witnessed it. What did you witness exactly? I lived it, huh? What did you witness? Penetration? There used to be women lined up down here crying to get Dave's attention. I mean, he had girls adoring him.

I've been coming here for 20 years. I've never seen him. Because he was such a comic genius. He's super funny. He's not just funny. He literally is considered to be like a genius. So it's fame, too, though. It's his reputation.

Talent. Talent. Talent. But are the women into him because they think he's a genius or just because they think he's funny? Well, I think that... And famous. No, this is interesting.

I don't know anything intimate about David Tell, but after they would have a relationship with him, they wouldn't be like, okay, I'm done with this guy. Whatever it is about him, he's actually very, very sweet in person. He's a sweet guy. And apparently he's not bad in the sex. I mean, whatever it is, he kept them around for years. Well, you know, I'll have

to take your word for it, but... It bugs Dan to hear that. It doesn't bug me at all. I've just never seen it. The people that I've seen that are truly, truly... Dove Davidoff was one of the greats. Now, he's married now, and he's turned over a new leaf, and God bless him. But he was, now that, that, that was, yes. No, but I'm talking about with female comics.

Oh, with female comics. Oh. No, not just, but, and other females. Well, comedy nerds probably would like David Talbot. Oh, yeah. But there's only so many comedy, I'm talking about women in general. Ray Allen is one of the greats. Oh, you're sweet.

He's one of the fucking greats. I mean, you know. You make me blush. Who knew? And when you look at Ray Allen, as somebody who's been immersed in the world of sexuality, when you look at Ray Allen, do you sense anything? My oxytocin's going crazy. No, forget your oxytocin.

I mean, when you look at him, do you see a guy that's a player? I can see a good-looking guy who is also looks both, who is funny, but also looks nice, actually. Oh, thank you. Very sweet, Elizabeth. He's got you fooled, too, huh? I was just about to say, with Ray, it's all a scheme. That's ridiculous. That's not a scheme.

Dan Aderman always likes to say, Ray Allen, I don't know how you do it. You're not that good-looking. You're not rich. You're Ray Allen, I don't know how you do it. You're not that good looking. You're not rich. You're not famous. I don't know how you do it, Ray Allen. That's what Dan likes to always tell me. That's a great compliment. I appreciate it.

Because clearly you have some skill that must be off the charts. You shake enough trees and out whatever. I don't know what the cliche is. But Ray, Attell never tried. They come to Attell. Ray tries. Ray literally will talk like 15, 20 girls. Dad, you're exaggerating. No, I'm not. That's ridiculous. I speak to a tell. Ray tries. Ray literally will talk like 15, 20 girls. Dad, you're exaggerating. No, I'm not.

That's ridiculous. I speak to men too. I'm hetero, but I don't speak to anybody. And then one of those will... Do you know, getting back to the differences in the sexes, because you follow the studies, Craigslist or Backpage.com, it's

like pages and pages of ads. It's basically all for a male audience, right? There's not a huge female market for prostitution or massages or any of that. Is there or is it all a deal? No, I think it's a safety thing. It's a safety issue. Women are not into that because you wouldn't be safe. Is that the reason?

Well, I have not studied this, but I can tell you as a woman, that's a big reason. Yeah. Well, that may be a reason, but I think the major reason is just women aren't as into that kind of meaningless, completely emotionless sex.

Well, I wouldn't know about the emotionless, but women have as strong a sex drive. Like, across the board, women's sex drive is pretty strong. Oh, come on.

You expect me to believe that. No, really? Yeah. It's a different sex drive. Like, across the board, women's sex drive is pretty strong. Oh, come on. You expect me to believe that. No, really? Yeah. It's a different sex drive. Well, I want to ask Lori about that because she's in her prime sexual year. Well, that's not true. The prime sexual years for a woman are mid-30s. Yeah, I think that's right.

I think that's right. But you're certainly a vibrant young lady. What do you think about her statement that women are just as horny as men? Yeah, I think that's true. I think women are horny in the context of a relationship, but women are not horny like... Laurie Palminteri's never said, I guess I'm a dick tonight.

She might have. She's never said that. She's never thought that. Yes, she has. I've never said that to you, Dan, no. You don't have to say it to me, but have you ever thought it? Yeah, she says it a lot.

I just need to get fucked, and I don't care who it is. Anybody reasonable? Maybe. I don't know if I would and I don't care who it is. Anybody reasonable. Maybe, I don't know if I would say I don't care who it is. I would fuck Ray Allen. What's you and what? I'm saying that's what she said. I'd be flattered.

No, I mean, like, men will get in a situation where, you know, you'd have sex with any number of women. And women, they'll have a couple guys that they're into that they might consider, I think. I would say, I'm a hypochondriac, so I'm like super paranoid about diseases. So there's diseases, but there's also, you're forgetting, like the main

evolutionary reason is women can get pregnant. So the risk for them is so high to have meaningless sex. And that's not true of men. Well, Noam's getting a vasectomy, so. Oh, good... Good move. I promised I would. I'm really looking for a way out.

I don't want to do it. I'm scared. You don't want to get a vasectomy? What are you scared about? I'm scared of a procedure. They do millions of these a year. I'm not scared of dying. No, I know, but I've never heard of anybody,

their equipment being ruined because of this. I do not know, but I've never heard of anybody being, their equipment being you know, ruined because of this. I do not believe I'm going to get ruined. I'm just scared of needles and medical procedures. I have like a phobia of that stuff. I just don't. And then, I don't know. I just don't like the idea. Speaking of phobias, I went to a

new dermatologist today just to get a skin check. This is an interesting story. Then I have to go to the Village Underground around the corner. We have to talk about why you... Go story. This is, and I have to, then I have to go to the Village Underground around the corner. We have to talk about why you, go ahead. Oh yeah,

this is unbelievable. I'm actually still a little like freaked out by it. So I go to see this guy who's a physician's assistant. The regular dermatologist couldn't see me and I go to get a skin check

because I spend a lot of time in Aruba. Show's February, March, arubacomedy.com. So I go to the dermatologist and I go to get this checked, everything get checked and he says,

oh, you have a dry patch there kind of on your crotch. I'm like, oh, okay. And I'm a little nervous now. I'm enough of a hypochondriac. And he said, oh, it might be just dry skin, whatever. And then he proceeds to take this stuff. And he was gay. He was obviously gay.

And he's rubbing this stuff all over my genitals. This is this afternoon. Did you pay extra for that? Is that covered by Obamacare? He removed the copay. But I called in after. This is this afternoon. Did you pay extra for that? Is that covered by Obamacare? He removed the copay. But I called in after. I'm not kidding. I understand.

I have far more empathy about what Cosby did to these women. I kind of want to go to the doctor there and be like, your physician's assistant absolutely touched me inappropriately. It was so fucking disturbing what he did. He didn't need to touch me like that. And I kind of lay there. I didn't get turned on because I'm more paranoid. Oh, yes, you did.

No, I really didn't. I really didn't. I was more paranoid about what. But you didn't say anything. Because I knew I was going to be out of there in about two minutes. And you couldn't believe it was happening, right? I couldn't believe it was happening. And I had nothing.

I said to Dan, I understand why these women won't come forward. I don't want it was happening. And I said to Dan after, I go, I understand why these women won't come forward. I don't want to go forward. He's a zero physician's assistant here in Manhattan. And then he added me on Facebook after. I texted Dan. I go, this motherfucker. I texted Dan. I said, this motherfucker added me on Facebook.

And Dan wrote back, yikes. But I can't believe it. I mean, it's really crazy. It's unreal. When Ray first told me when Ray first told me I'm like well maybe that's legitimate you should probably

talk to somebody but adding him on Facebook is the kicker that's never happened in my life isn't that horrifying to add him on Facebook is the kicker

and he made a joke after he said it he goes it's kind of like I'm giving you a pap smear here right I'm like I didn't laugh

is there a way that you can make some money off this Ray I don't know. Maybe. But it was really, and of course, there's nothing. It's dry skin. But it was unnerving.

What did he put on it? Like Basset Tracin or something. But he rubbed it all over. He rubbed it everywhere. Everywhere. Ugh. Like if it was Laura here or anyone, it's hot.

I'm finding the story hard to believe. It's a thousand percent true. And I'll show you this Facebook thing. So last week, we apparently said something that insulted Ray. We got to wrap it up. He prefaced it

by giving me an amazing compliment. Noam lumps me in with Dave Chappelle and Ted Alexandro. And John Glenn, the astronaut. And John Glenn. Oh, is that right? I love John Glenn.

And Chappelle's one of the best ever, and I love Ted Alexandro. And he said something about being fearless on stage, having great confidence, and that sort of thing. Which is very complimentary. That was not what I said. What was it? I think the record was fearless. What I said was some people they for whatever reason

their pulse doesn't increase they don't get nervous no matter what situation they're in they are just naturally calm.

And the example was John Glenn apparently when the three astronauts were going up and their vital signs were all being seen on the screens at NASA

the other astronauts during liftoff showed excitement, where John Glenn barely or didn't show any reaction whatsoever. And I believe that this is an inborn trait. And I said that Dave Chappelle has that. That's why Dave Chappelle can just sit there and talk about anything. He doesn't care if he gets a laugh.

And that confidence and calmness actually entrances the audience, and they'll sit and listen to him for a long time. I believe the direct quote was comfortable on stage. Nerves of steel doesn't get phased. Dave Chappelle, Alexandra. And I hate to admit it. Ray Allen. Yes.

And I say Ray seems to have that, too. Very nice. And then Dan chimed in. But he shouldn't. No, Dan did not. I did not. No, no. You said he shouldn't.

You said he should. No, Dan did not actually. Unless it was edited out. They You said he should have. No, Dan did not actually. Unless it was edited out. They might have cut it out. They might have cut it out. No, it was not. It was Dan. It was no John Lasseter.

You said it's on the tape. You said it. It's on the show that you said it. In any case, the point is that. Which I'm like, what a great comment. I felt great hearing it. And then next thing, boom, right in the fucking face. He molested me like that dermatologist did.

You're the one that said it. That's why he was mad at you. Yes. The fact is that I needed a way out of that thing. Way out, just saying. It was a joke. Oh, no, no, no. I took it away.

And John Lasseter's like, yeah, yeah, you should run. Take it up with John Lasseter. Nah, it was you. John Lasseter's a six-foot-five strapping black guy. But it was Noam who precipitated the whole thing. He started it. It was a great compliment. Lumped in with Dave Chappelle. But this is the funny part. So he writes me an angry text message. You and Dan. And he said, and by the way,

they actually did hook me up to a meter one time. Dateline did, yeah. And I actually called it right on the nose. They saw that I'm on stage. My blood pressure drops when I'm on stage. So I was actually an amazing You were correct. amazingly perceptive of me.

It was an amazing perception and a great comment, and then a big fuck you at the end of it. NASA hooks you up to... EKGs. Medical, yeah, all your vital signs are monitored. And apparently the other two astronauts, their pulse rate elevator, everything they're measuring,

and John Glenn showed almost no signs of anything even during liftoff. And they attributed it just to his way he is. Things just didn't affect him in the same way. He was just naturally calm. Yeah. I mean, and we see that in personality types. I see it in my kids. And looking calm in your EKG sitting there like that is two different things.

That means that guy was like, let's do this. Actually calm. Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do this. I think Ted Alexandro and Dave Chappelle's EKG. Calm. Yeah. And you know who else is EKG?

I hate to admit it. Ray Allen. Ray Allen. Yes, probably so. Some people don't get phased. He does not get, and don't get phased. He does not get... And he should be phased. He should be more concerned.

He should be phased. Well, listen. Sometimes a little blood pressure might not be a bad idea to move the show along. Oh, please. I host the shows here better than anyone. I don't care what anyone else says. Well, you know, I will say Ray does kill.

Thank you, Dan. I see him quite frequently because, you know, he hosts a lot of shows that I'm on. I don't know that he kills harder than every other emcee. I don't know. I haven't done a study. But he's up there. Thank you, Dan. Do you want to say anything about the travel ban before we go?

No. No, you're good. Thank you, though. I didn't get it. Do you want to say anything about the travel ban before we go? No. Thank you, though. I didn't get it. I just want to say, we're done. I just want to add one thing about that. We can do a little action. That travel ban, which I... I'm going to run around the corner, but thank you for having me on.

I have to go do the show at the Underground. Do you want to say something about the travel ban? I just think the way it's being executed is outrageous. I think the people on Facebook are... There's overreaction on both sides. The whole thing sucks. And that's really all I can say. I have one.

Thank you, guys. I have to run after. I won't see you, Ray. I have one recurring, inconvenient thought. See you, Ray. Thanks for coming. And I can't. Aruba Ray Allen, everybody.

It's the nature of my mind. At Ray Allen. Dan, it's the nature of my mind that even though I know I'm not supposed to say these things or think these things, I can't help it. It's just the way I'm built. New Year's Eve, Mayor de Blasio spent millions of dollars barricading Times Square because they were worried about a similar Berlin type attack in that Christmas market in Berlin where the guy

drove the truck. And that guy was a refugee in Berlin and he drove and they killed 50 people, whatever it is. So throughout all this and clearly it was badly handled. And the mayor's up in arms about the travel ban.

I'm saying, okay, but clearly the mayor was afraid to the tune of millions of dollars and an enormous amount of stress. He was actually very much afraid and taking precautions against exactly the people and the threat that out of the other side of his mouth he's telling us we shouldn't be worried about. This is racism. Well, if this is racism, then why are you barricading Times Square? Right? I mean,

this needs to be grappled with. He's not barricading Times Square out of racism. We should accuse him of being racist. I mean, if you're taking steps to protect yourself against Muslims, then maybe that's racist too. Clearly. And that was a repugnante. So that's all I want to say about it.

I'm not defending the travel ban because, I don't know, it doesn't seem like it made us any safer, but the notion that there is no threat out in the world, that seems ridiculous to me. There is a real threat, and the mayor's actions prove it. Anyway, I don't know. She's a reporter. She doesn't want to say.

She just does sex stuff. Anyway, we want to— It's hard to argue with that point, Noam. It is hard to argue with it, right? I mean, it's like, well, what are we doing here? Nothing? Yeah, I can't argue with you. I have nothing to

add. And then there was an article in Psychology Today. Actually, I'll send it to you. I just saw it. Someone else posted it on Facebook. That was Gad Saad. That was the person who wrote that article. Oh, was that? What did the article say? He's some Canadian dude. He said somewhere between hysteria and xenophobia

is the right solution, but I forgot the details of the article. He was making the point. Okay, this is, he says. Somewhere between, no, somewhere, yeah, but somewhere between complete open borders and complete xenophobia is the right solution. No, I don't know if it's the same article. The article I'm talking about is where he was talking about what does it mean to be taking in millions or hundreds of thousands of people from cultures that are

rampantly homophobic, sexist, and they prosecute homosexuality, they throw them off buildings, they have honor killings. Is it racism to react against that ideology? And that

struck a chord with me because I had said many times, and I worry about that, we say that's racism, but then we still, 150 years after the Emancipation Proclamation, we are still suspicious of anybody white and Southern. And we think that's totally appropriate.

So we think that racism is very stubborn in white Southerners. It'll probably be there forever. We need a V southerners. It'll probably be there forever. We need a Voting Rights Act. It'll probably be there forever. But we expect people from other parts of the world, it'll just disappear in a generation. They'll be fine with homosexuality. Are they really? I don't know.

I hope so. Well, the point that he brought up was just because something is a religion, does that insulate it from any critique of the ideology that goes along with it? No, of course it doesn't. Well, people seem to think that it does. Listen, I've said many times, if they wanted to take in a million Hasidic Jews, I'd be like, hell no.

This is a bad idea. They don't want to become a part of our community. They don't want to become a part of our community. They don't think like us. There's nothing. It's like you need whoever we take in. I'm for anybody coming in. They have to want to be part of us. Hasidic Jews don't want to become part of the thing. And we can tolerate a certain number. We can't tolerate 40% Hasidic Jews in America.

Is that anti-Semitism? Of course it's not anti-Semitism. Anyway. It would certainly be disquieting if a non-Jew said it. Not to me it wouldn't. But I can't say out of hand. Could you imagine how America would change if it was 40% Hasidic Jewish? Nobody wants that. And I got news for you. Nobody wants 40% Muslim America either. Nobody wants it.

But as soon as you acknowledge that, then you admit that, okay, the conversation can be had. What's a proper number? It doesn't have to be unlimited. There can be concerns about it. Reasonable people can think about all this stuff without having to be labeled as a racist.

Anyway. And the questions are hard. And the harder the questions, the least, it doesn't serve unraveling those questions very well by making them radioactive for people to think out loud or to toss things around or even to say something that doesn't come out quite right. Well, you were key, reasonable people. People have to dial it back and be reasonable. Start

thinking, I think, right now. That's right, just like they do with the Wall Street Journal. That's why we're the best. It really is. I know. The Wall Street Journal is truly the best. Do you know Paul Gigo? Is that how you pronounce his name?

Yeah, I don't know him personally, but... I mean, that guy... Paul Gigo? He's the editorial page director or whatever it is, editor of the Wall Street Journal. I mean, they do such a good job at the Wall Street Journal. We work hard.

Thank you. And I mean, just the column, and they have quite a view, quite a diversity of views on that page. But the Times is all like hysterical views

and like, it's like, I don't even, anyway, so thank you very much for coming here. I hope you had a good time. I did.

Maybe if you have another controversial column or something, will you come on again? I'll send it. Thank you. If you want to come to the Comedy Cellar anytime tonight or anytime thereafter,

be my guest. Thanks. Super fun. Lori, thank you. Thanks for having me. Dan, you want to sign off? Well,

I don't know if nobody wants 40%, but that's going to get me in trouble just when I said that. But certainly 90%, I don't know if nobody wants 40%. That's going to get me in trouble when I said that. But certainly 90% I don't think anybody wants. Anyway, thank you, Laura, for coming down. I hope to see more of you. And certainly I encourage Noam to take another look. Thank you.

Elizabeth Bernstein, was it? Elizabeth Bernstein. Okay. It's always Jews in the sex writing business. Have you noticed that? It's true. Dr. Ruth comes here a lot. Dr. Okay. It's always Jews in the sex writing business. Have you noticed that? It's true. Dr. Ruth comes here a lot. Dr. Ruth.

It's that woman with her name. Well, anyway, it just does seem to be a pattern in any case. And also in pornography, too. What's the guy

at Screw Magazine? Abe? Well, that's Al Goldstein. We're sexually liberated people if nothing else. And of course, Gnome Dwarven. We'll see you next time here in the comments.

Good night.