The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Russ Meneve & Carmen Lynch

Episode Date: January 12, 2017

Russ Meneve is a standup comedian and a regular performer at the Comedy Cellar. He has appeared previously on The Tonight Show and Last Call. Carmen Lynch is a standup comedian and a regular performer at the Comedy Cellar. She has appeared previously on The Late Show with David Letterman and on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're here, of course, as almost always, with the beautiful Miss Kristen Gonzalez. And that is your name now, right, Gonzalez? It's hyphenated. I don't think the lisp is necessary, Noam. I don't think she's... I'm trying to be authentic. I don't think it's...

What's that? Castellan or Castilian? No, he's Puerto Rican or something. Barcelona? Kristen Gonzalez. Carmen Lynch. Russ Meneve. Carmen is also an Hispanic.

Hola. A Latina. Well, she has that ancestry on her mother's side. A little goes a long way. And Dan Natterman. The French guy. French wannabe. A Francophile, if there ever was one.

Noam, I just wanted to bring up briefly the holiday party. We had talked about it briefly last week and I believe the week before. It's the last time I'll bring it up before I let it to fade into... Well, it's going to happen next week. Oh, is it? So the date is set? Oh. Oh.

Liz! Yeah, it was the 17th, Tuesday, next Tuesday. That's my birthday. Oh, it's going to be a combination holiday party, Carmen Lynch birthday party. I'd like to know if Russ Meneve will be coming, because Russ generally, we don't see that much of him. He lurks in the shadows, Russ Meneve.

But no, I'm going to come. It's next Tuesday? Russ, it's my birthday. Why the word is not He lurks in the shadows, Russ Boudie. But no, I'm going to come. It's next Tuesday. Next Tuesday. Russ, it's my birthday. I don't know why the word is not out. Well, you just said it was a secret. No, it's not a secret. No, he was kidding.

Hey, Mike. Oh. Mike. He's on the phone. When you finish, can you find Liz? We have a bone to pick. So anyway, so what were we talking about that I said I don't want to talk about? I want to talk about on the show.

What was it? Oh, was it something about women? Yeah. I think you were talking about an investment you didn't want to talk about. Was that? No, no. He didn't want to talk about on the show. What was it? Oh, was it? It was something about women. Yeah, I think it was about an investment you didn't want to talk about. Was that? No, no, he didn't want to talk about... You got to narrow down the clue there a little bit.

No, he was talking about looks meant... It's a subject we've talked about in the past. Dan thinks that if you're a woman and you're born beautiful, it's like getting $100 million. Excuse me. I didn't say that. I said I've noticed no difference in happiness between pretty women and not pretty women,

even though you would think that being a pretty woman would give you an additional boost of happiness. I have to jump in because what are you seeing? How are you measuring happiness? I mean, you see them on the exterior, out in public, but you don't know what kind of labors they're going through? No, I'm just saying I don't see a difference in happiness. You don't from afar?

From afar. That's correct. That's all I can say. No one wanted to discuss that further on the air. It's not my idea to do so. Well, guys are blowing their heads off, and you see them a day before, and they're as happy as can be. So you don't really know. No, I don't. But no one wanted to plumb those depths a little further.

I just said I had not noticed. There's been no obvious distinction. I think... You said that getting... You heard him. Yeah, I just don't think... Yes, I said being a pretty girl is like being given $100 million.

But people with $100 million aren't happy either, necessarily. But they have $100 million. Then what is it about getting $100 million? It's power. Being a pretty woman is power. Tremendous power. Outrageous power. But power has nothing to do with your emotional state. Only over people like you. I a pretty woman is power. Tremendous power. Outrageous power.

But power has nothing to do with your emotional state. Only over people like you. I didn't say it did. No, I think all things being equal, you'd rather be attractive. Let's just take weight, for instance, people that are overweight. It tortures them. It tortures them beyond what you can understand. And I've been fat before. Have you really been fat?

Yeah, I have been. Have you really? Yeah. How fat? Like five more pounds? 230. And I'm 182 now. Have you really been fat? Yeah, I have been. Have you really? Yeah. How fat? Like five more pounds? 230. And I'm 182 now. That's not fat fat.

Pretty fat. Well, we're not talking obese. He had a gut. A doctor told me to lose weight. It was that bad. Doctors all the way. Could be obese by BMI standards. Yeah, I was very heavy.

Or fat. Whatever. In childhood, I was. That was a doctor you were dating. Did people make fun of you? Yeah, I think I've suffered that. But I think that people that are heavy, and

there should be somebody heavy on it. I mean, somebody can really talk about it, but it tortures them. It's like Chinese water torture. It's always on your mind. You're always thinking about it. You wake up every day thinking about it. I've got to lose this weight. And it really is bothersome. Well, imagine how difficult it must be to lose weight because these people ain't doing it. Very difficult.

It's extremely hard. When you lose it, it comes back. It's very hard to defeat it over time. But, Russ, this is a good segue into what I wanted to get at with Russ. Russ has taken up this fight, and he has conquered. To get more money from the club owners? No, no, no. That was another fight that he very bravely fought.

But I'm talking about Russ and his weight. Now, Russ is obsessed somewhat. I don't think it's unfair to say with his physique. And he has the most insane diet. I don't think obsessed is the word. I think you just fall into a program that works. And I don't really think about it anymore. What is the program?

What do you do? You've got to hear this program. Well, I fast a lot. I found that fasting really works for me, you know, because I have a control problem. I like to eat as much as I want. Like, one slice of pizza would annoy me, so I'd rather have nothing or wait a few days and have as much as I want. And that doesn't mess with your stomach and everything?

No. But you don't understand. He's fasting for, like, three days straight. Yeah, I do that. But you drink alcohol. I'm not going to check three days straight. Yeah, I do that. But you drink alcohol. I'm not going to check out at life. Yeah, I'll have a drink. He has priority.

You probably save money on alcohol, too, because your stomach's empty all the time. Yeah, well, whatever, yeah. But it's something that just worked for me. And the thing that made me choose it was not really the weight loss so much as the health benefits that you get from it. So if you research intermittent fasting and the health benefits, it's like crazy. Yeah, but I don't think those fasts include like coffee and alcohol. Well, it's such a small amount.

It's more the calories and the deprivation that triggers these things in the body. When you're fasting, what do you drink? Like water? I'll get up and have coffee, water. I'll work out. Coffee, which suppresses your appetite. Yeah.'t know i'm pretty hungry but uh and i'll have a drink at night and that's it but it can't be good one drink it can't be good to work out without nutrition you know the body's a really an amazing thing like like you like your ancestors went for weeks probably without food

like you you slip into, your body adjusts so fast, so fast, like, I don't even notice it, you know? I remember when I first did it, I would keep,

like, candy in my bag when I went to play tennis because I hadn't eaten for like a day or two and I was hungry and once I started playing, it was gone.

Yeah, but I remember years ago, you, like, had a pretty good body, like, pretty good physique. It was fat. You can hide a lot of fat.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't think I ever remember seeing you fat. Russ was never so fat that people made fun of him, at least not in the comedy world. I'm just teasing about his body. And he had such a bright, cute smile that it compensated women didn't much mind. Russ gets a lot of tail, at least he used to.

We have to... Comedy is also one of those things where I don't see, I mean, I'm not in it, but I don't see that the physical appearance plays in as much as it does for actors and

stuff like that. I agree with that. That's the good thing about it. Yeah, you don't have to put makeup on. No,

that absolutely doesn't. One might argue that the opposite is true. The quirkier you are, I think, helps for your act. Right. But what about

if you want to make that jump or that leap into television? I think it helps to be quirkier about if you want to make that jump or that leap into television? I think it helps to be quirkier. Like, Patrice O'Neill was tremendous. You know, he had everything. The voice, the material, and then the physicality was, you know. I think it does help a lot.

But that's not your motivation, Russ. You simply want to look nice, feel good. It was more for health, to be honest. Fasting does help. It does help. And your body, after like 72 hours, you don't even notice it. You get over that hump, the three-day hump, and then you don't even want... I did the master cleanse

for two weeks. What does that mean? It's nothing but like sugar water, basically. For two weeks? Why would you do that? Your mother's a doctor. Didn't she tell you not to do that? Yeah, she advised against it. How much did you lose? I got to the point where I looked sick. Like, I started...

Like, I didn't look good, which is why I stopped. But I did it just to cleanse out my system. My other... My primary care physician actually recommended doing it for, like, two or three days for allergies. And it really helped. But then I just was like, oh, let me see how long I can do this.

And this is in conjunction with colonics or not? No, no, no. But it causes you to basically have colonic-like symptoms or whatever you want to call it. What is with you people? Well, it cleanses out your system. But I had more energy. I was still working out. I was still doing Pilates every single day and running.

You had more energy until you collapsed for lack of energy? He's right. I'm sure if you continued like that, you would. But for a short stint, it really rejuvenates you. Yeah. It does. You do spring out of bed the next day, I'll tell you that. And you don't even want food anymore.

So that was... No, it's good. Russ is also a major investor in the stock market. Yeah. It's true. Which is, I find ironic because Rush is like an Occupy Wall Street hater of the stock market. Yeah, true. Which is, I find ironic because Rush is like an Occupy Wall Street hater of the stock market.

Well, you can be an investor and be pro that and then anti what Wall Street is doing, which is really essentially robbing people. Yeah, but you want corporations to do well because you're on stock in them. Yeah, but that's... And then you go and protest

against the big corporations. No, that's irrespective of what... To me, these money managers, what they're doing is... Russ has a beef with money managers, not Wall Street rich lards. Wait, but don't you have a money manager so that you know what to invest in? No, I do it, yeah.

The money managers, what they do is they charge a fee, which seems innocuous and small. That's what we do here for comedy. So people will turn their money over to them, and they'll charge a 2% fee on that. What people don't understand is... What, I mean 2% of each transaction? No, 2% of the overall assets gained.

The entire portfolio. So what that does, the way compounding math works, is that over the term of the investment, two-thirds of the gains will go to the money manager. Two-thirds of the gains. What? That much? Yes, that much. You know, the things they teach,

I don't mean to interrupt you, but I think you'll agree with me. The things they teach and the things they don't teach in school are ridiculous. This is a big one. That every kid doesn't learn how to calculate compounding interest. This is an essential way to not apply for a loan. I mean, like, people should not do this. They shouldn't make it illegal.

People should stop doing it because our education system should explain to them why it's... At least they want to do what they do, but they understand why it's not a good idea. They're taking advantage of, and what Wall Street does, they lobby the politicians and pay them enormous sums of money to allow the laws to make it so that it's legal. So even a fiduciary law.

But I think it should be legal. It should be legal for them to take the money from the people, you're saying. I think that is, I mean. You're talking about people like. You could persuade me. Educated people. These are teachers. These are firefighters with their money in pension funds.

Yeah. So they go in and then they gut it with fees and that's it. People aren't even aware of it. But there are people who get money from the stock market. There are people who've made money in millions from the stock market. You're saying that as a positive or negative? I'm asking.

Right? But that's not what Russ is saying. Russ is saying they'd make even more money if these money managers that Russ really doesn't like. Yeah, hedge fund managers, money managers. Money managers. He feels they take money to give you advice. That is no good.

That is no good. Correct. In fact, Goldman Sachs and he— But that could be managers all across the board, right? I mean, we could say— You mean in other fields? Yeah, you could talk about someone like a talent manager that does it. That's right.

You're right. Listen, unless you could demonstrate to me that what you're describing is something which no reasonable person would ever do, which I don't think it's that. I don't think it should be illegal. No reasonable person would ever do it. You mean somebody with a conscience? No, what I'm saying is that I believe there are sophisticated people who still choose

to give their money to a manager because they don't want to worry about it. That's where I disagree. Because it's amazing. I talk to these guys, the hedge fund guys people who still choose to give their money to a manager because they don't want to worry about it. That's where I disagree. I talk to these guys, hedge fund guys and guys at CNBC, and they can't believe these intelligent people. Doctors are notorious for this as well, being terrible with money.

They can't believe that these established people that have accomplished things in their fields are so unaware of what's going on. They can't believe it. They turn over and don't want to be bothered with it. Who has the time to figure out what the market's doing? How many times do you think about money a day and about your future? You can't spend two hours

a day? No, on a Saturday to investigate what I'm talking about? I just don't think that would be enough. It would be. Listen, in Israel, they don't have this problem. Why are you laughing? It's because you're aware of it. Because they know this is second nature. They don't want to waste their money there.

I'm kidding. People don't care. How much research does it require on your part daily just to manage your own portfolio? It's more like looking for an opportunity. It's reading, being aware of how to assess a company and a stock, and just looking for an

opportunity, really. To have understood, or when I did finally understand what was going on with the math, with managed funds and pensions and hedge funds, that was probably 45 minutes. Let me tell you what should be illegal. The lottery.

This is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. No sane person. They allow, and it's usually minorities and poor people go out and spend money they don't have on a ridiculous bet that they can. I mean, of course. Well, I'll take the other side of that, but go ahead. And the government is paying for itself. Talk about regressive tax. By suckering people into gambling on the worst, not even blackjack where they have a lease of shot, like the worst

possible odds possible. And the government thinks this is okay. Talk about it. Where's their fiduciary duty? The government should be discouraging any human being from buying a lottery ticket. That's what a good government would do. I'll take the other side of that. I think a lot of times people pay for the dream when you walk out with a

ticket, your fantasy for a couple hours or a day until the numbers are drawn. And lastly, the odds are clear. They make it very clear what the odds are. Now, to compare that to Wall Street, they lie to the people. They sell them toxic things and bet against them and make money. It's unbelievable what goes on. Now you're mixing other things.

But this is what – in other words, you're talking about doctors. Very honest, at least. You started by saying doctors and rich people. Why would they do this? I'm like, least. You started by saying doctors and rich people. Why would they do this? I'm like, you know, but they're doctors and rich people. So, you know, if they're unsophisticated, somebody takes some money. No, a lot of money. But these are poor people playing the lottery.

It's a few dollars. No, they spend hundreds of dollars, sometimes thousands of dollars. At some point, they know the odds. At least they know the odds. No, they don't know the odds. They don't even understand what odds are. I don't think they care. They publish it.

They make it clear. The odds are published, but it's hard to really get a, you know, you don't appreciate the odds. I mean, human beings are not good at assessing odds. But you're also failing to acknowledge that gambling is a sickness. I don't know. I would say lottery players in general do not have this gambling illness. Yes, they do. They do.

To the level of people in Las Vegas or sports bettors. I don't know. But to bring it back to our realm, think about young people going into comedy. How many times could you tell them the odds of making a living in this is going to be shit, but you know what? You're going to enjoy maybe getting on stage every day. You're going to survive.

Well, people are very bad at assessing odds. They obviously overestimate the chance that something good will happen andimate the chance that something good will happen and underestimate the chance that something bad will happen. Sometimes it's tragic. But spending $2 or $3 on a lottery ticket is not the same as taking two-thirds of someone's pension. I tried to make a joke about that that would never work, where a guy is in a cab looking at the lottery numbers to see if he won,

but he doesn't have a seatbelt on. So he thinks, oh, I might win the lottery, but ain't no way this cab wouldn't get into an accident. Yeah, there's something there. I thought there might be something there, but... There's something there. Well, I already made that joke, actually. I said, there was 17 out of a million chance

that my Note 7 was going to explode. And I said, and my mother-in-law was getting me all the time, you've got to get rid of that phone. I said, Yolanda, when you've had as much unprotected sex as I have, she's not sweating 17 out of a million. I've gone 50-50 on herpes. Anyway, go ahead. Well, the point is.

And it was my mother-in-law, so that gives me extra. It really was. The point is hope springs eternal. Now I'm just thinking about those few dollars I have invested. You should think about it. You definitely should. Well, you can call up for us. There are retirement funds that are no load, right?

There's no fees on retirement funds, right? There are fees on retirement funds. Speaking of no load. Speaking of no load, Noam's wife is pregnant again. Speaking of no load. No, but really, the answer to your joke is about unprotected sex. If you want to make an odds joke, it has to be unprotected sex. That's what everybody can identify with.

Well, I'm not so sure. Maybe not you, but most guys. Do you have unprotected sex, Dan? Not only do I not have unprotected sex, I use the Natterman method. What is that? Don't get laid at all. The Natterman method? The Natterman method is called your face.

Oh. What? You come on somebody's face? Boobs. Bud? Very kind. Have you seen porno? No, I'm not so shocked.

Fix your face because you're acting shocked. You've seen porno. You know what's going on. No, no, I've done these things, but I never used it. I never thought Dan would. It's more the transition from removing the condom and then doing that. That's a lot of work. What's that? No, like a lot of work.

No, you said he doesn't have unprotected sex. Oh, you know what? Sometimes I don't use a condom. Oh, well, there we go. I don't know if you know, but that's unprotected sex. Maybe it is, technically. But I'm very, very cautious about pulling out and even if I have a condom on, I will verify the condom is

still intact. That is not the risk of unprotected sex. Pregnancy is the most minor risk. The risk is STDs. No, I don't believe that. I believe pregnancy to me... And cum in your eyes. Pregnancy to me is life-ending for me if they decide to have that baby. They're not going to decide to have the baby. They don't decide to have the baby.

They don't need you. Let's just think of the demographic that Dan Adam is sleeping with that he feels that way. It would be life-ending if this animal got pregnant. That's correct. That's correct. Dad! Daddy! Dan!

Dan! Yeah, maybe so. Maybe in many cases that is correct. If there was a Harvard lawyer, it wouldn't be the end of the world. That's true. In your world. That's true. These animals.

Have you ever gotten a girl pregnant? Russ, have you ever gotten a girl pregnant? No. Never. No, I can't believe it. You seem very careful. Yeah. Russ is very meticulous.

He runs out of energy when he's starving. My sperm just is so tired. What if you loved her, though? Would that be okay if she wanted the baby, Dan? No, no, Dan. I don't want to get too deep into my sexual history, which we've really gone through. We've exhausted it.

It's not particularly interesting. It's very interesting. It's actually the most interesting thing you'll ever talk about. I'd rather talk more about what we can do as citizens to take on Wall Street. Oh. No, I'm kidding. But Cass, you guys are coming up. Because we have Russ here, and we have Carmen. We don't need to talk about me. I'm in a feud

with another comedy club right now. Well, this could be interesting. Maybe I should wait until next week, because we're doing the big comedy club roundup next week. No, but we should preface it with this. Well, preface it briefly, but I do have... I wanted... We have Russ here, which is a very rare treat to get Russ

at the... Hello! And Carmen. And Carmen is here, too, and Carmen will certainly have things to, no doubt, to share. But in that man's offense, I spent... Let's go back to Russ and his weight and his investments. I do spend three hours a day turning down podcasts. I gotta set aside three hours.

Dan has kind of like a man crush on Russ Maneve, though. I have a crush on Dan. But you guys used to live together, right? No, we never lived together, no. Russ is never here during the week. He's a weekend-only comedy cellar performer. Well, just recently you started to come during the week. So I wanted to know, what's up with that?

Well, I'm just busy in other endeavors, which I don't want to get into in depth. You have a ticker tape machine at home. But business, you know, I have other interests outside of comedy that I enjoy. Like what? Like what, Russ? Mainly business things. Martial arts films? Investments.

He's home with a crouching tiger. Things that I think of that I like to explore. Businesses. I mean, is it fair to say, Russ, that your enthusiasm for stand-up is not what it was? Can we say that? You know, it's funny. It is right now. It ebbs and flows.

And I'd say the last three or four months I was on stage, I loved it. I absolutely loved it. I had new jokes about topics that day, and I enjoyed it very much. That's what makes it fresh, right? I love it. Something new. Yeah. And the risk of it. You know, I find that if you do a joke

or a news issue that happened that day, the audience gives you extra points, and it really is behind that. They really do. Even if it doesn't work, they still... They know it's a new joke. They know it's brand new.

It just happened a few hours ago. I was talking about the four kids that kidnapped a special needs kid. Right away I tried to attack that night. And I felt as though the audience... That's a heavy subject, obviously. But Russ has never shied away from heavy subjects.

The audience also can sense that you're enthusiastic about it. I've noticed that both in watching comedians and musicians where a bit just stops working or a song just stops going over. I mean, I've noticed that both in watching comedians and musicians where, you know, a bit just stops working or a song just stops going over. Yeah.

And it's the same song in the same bit. And what is not the same, and it's hard to put your finger on it, is just somehow they're not putting it across the straight line. Yeah, they can sniff Dale Jones. It's like Groundhog Day. Remember like the fourth day in and he's trying to do the same things again? She's like... Sounds like marriage.

That's exactly it. It's like marriage. Shut up. Your marriage is not working out? We all said it would. No, but this sounds like, you know, when you talk about, oh, it's something new. And, you know, sounds like the conversations we've had about marriage. I told you not to talk about marriage.

Most difficult thing in the world is marriage. Marriage? For Russ, now, do you see comedy see comedy at this point in your career? Are you still waiting for the big score, or it's more just fun for you whilst you pursue other endeavors? I try not to let my mind go to a place where I think there is going to be

a big score, because as we've discussed, the odds and we've been at a time long enough where I'm sure the curve is dropping, and at some point you've got to respect math and accept that. Now, would I love to have a big score? Absolutely, I would love that. But can I focus on my love of writing new jokes and having a new joke working and loving that?

Yes, I can absolutely do that. And I do. Can you ask Carmen a question, please? Yeah, thank you. I will answer that as well. I think it's hard to stand up like the way Russ does it because I feel like you have that other thing that balances your life. And I feel like if I don't really give comedy 110%,

I'm not getting enough out of it. You have to respect the math, as Russ said, and you can't give comedy 110%. That's not what the math he meant. Oh, I see. He's talking 110%. Right, but I'm just saying I need to do it a lot because for myself,

it makes me happy to do it that way. Yeah, Michelle Wolfe always says that. If she's like, she's like obsessed. Like,

if she doesn't go on stage, she's like miserable. Well, Michelle Wolfe's also 10 years younger than we are. Than Carmen? Oh, I don't know about Carmen.

She's 10 years younger than me or 15 years younger than me. How old are you, Carmen? Can you talk about how old you are? No. Women don't talk about how old they are on radio shows? No, but Michelle, I mean, Michelle is,

she is slightly younger. When Rosmanee was Michelle Wolf's age, there was no more obsessed maniac. I used to make fun of the guy. What the fuck are you doing writing all day? It's true. Writing all day long, he's tapping away at his keyboard. Tappity tap tap. That's true. And there was long. He's tapping away at his keyboard. Tappity-tap-tap.

That's true. And there was no more obsessed, single-minded person determined to make it and thought he would make it. What was Dan like? Same Dan. Dan worked. Pictures like the little Archies, you know, those commercials. It's like cartoons. They see them as kids.

Dan had more raw talent, and that's it. It's sort of like McEnroe versus Lendl, you know, where Lendl worked harder, and McEnroe had just that natural talent. You think Dan has more raw talent than you do. Yeah, I do. That's quite a compliment, Dan. Well, I do appreciate that compliment. Thank you.

You're welcome. Russ certainly has more raw talent in many areas. You guys really are in love with each other. I won't speak to comedy, but I will say that Russ, when it comes to getting it in. Oh, God. I mean, his ab talent. He's talented with the ladies. See, God gave me all my talent in one area.

That's great in this world. Which is good. I can't do anything. I'm not athletic. I can't hit a golf ball. The dirt comes up. You're also a pilot. That doesn't require great talent.

How could that be? It doesn't. Any idiot can be a pilot. When you work out, you do your 40 to 70 hours. Has anybody ever kicked sand in your face at the beach? No, but that's a stereotypical thing. Nobody does that. And they never fucking stuffed me in a locker either.

You're talking about stereotype nerd shit. Have you ever been wedgied? You're talking about stereotype nerd shit. You've ever had a wedgie, Dan? Probably. I bet you Russ hasn't. Probably not. He you Russ hasn't. Probably not. He gave the way.

We had bullies in my school. Don't worry. But, yeah, I wasn't bullied horrifically because people liked me, you know, generally speaking. Yes, you are likable. Even though I wasn't the big man on campus, shall we say. But that adds to your character. I think that probably is why you're so funny. You've had these experiences.

Well, absolutely. Unfortunately, is it worth, you know, in other words, is my level of success worth the level of angst that I've had over the years? Your level of angst is with you no matter what you're doing, Dan. Your angst is organic to you. It's not created by your situation. I'm convinced of that. Yeah, you may be right.

Well, with comedians especially, it's not accepting this your situation. I'm convinced of that. Yeah, you may be right. Well, with comedians especially, it's not accepting this level of not being noticed. It's unacceptable to me. And I really think that that's a comedian's thing, whether it's from high school or college or whatever, or family. I have a three-year-old who has angst. There's nothing,

there's no reason he should have angst about any of these three years old, okay? It's clearly, you see it as, it's important. The world of a three-year's clearly, you see it as, it's important. The world of a three-year-old if memory serves and it was quite some time ago is horrifying.

It's horrifying. He's not being abused or whatever happened to you. Do you remember something called The Dark? How horrifying that was? There's fucking animals in there. There's creatures under your bed.

Your parents are going to die. Try that on your side. I don't think they think about that yet. Maybe not at three. This is what Dan was thinking about. No wonder. It's very common. Maybe not a three. At some point, does he know what death is, Manny?

He knows. I mean, he understands the concept. He knows there's such a thing as death. Pretty fucking scary for a three-year-old. You know what's scary now? The pressure that's on kids. The bullying that goes on today is I like the bully, like you think, there's, the bullying that goes on today is,

I hear stories at work from my coworkers, their kids, and it's, it's really scary. You mean like online bullying, like Facebook bullying? Online bullying,

just in school bullying. Well, we're talking about a three-year-old. But I'm saying, by the time he gets to school, the pressure's gonna be like unbelievable. But at three,

the world is pretty scary. It wasn't scary for my daughter, when she was three. Well, girl, we handle things better. Guys are a mess. You guys are a mess. I'm just saying my son is a mess. And I remember just like waking up in the middle of the night sometimes,

and there is no lonely, like middle of the night 70s lonely. There's no Facebook. There was nothing. You turn on the TV, it's a fucking pattern. You can't wake your parents up. I mean, they could theoretically. That's ten minutes of angst and then the rest of the day you're like eating and playing. First of all, my kids run into bed with us

when they wake up in the middle of the night. So they don't even have that. It's just a personality thing. My kid is high strung. I can tell. I'm worried about it. He's an old soul. I don't know what he is. But he's got an issue. Russ, do you want to talk a little bit about it? And we'll get to

Carmen on this as well. Both of you. We talked a lot also in this show. A common theme, something that recurs, like I say, a jock itch. Oh, yeah. Male on female, comedian sex. It's comedians and babies.

If you look at the statistics, and I'm looking at the list right now of comedians that I have on this list, that I'm looking at right now, I'm seeing a high proportion of 40-somethings and 50-somethings with no children. Let's Colin Quinn, no kids. Gary Goldman, no kids. Keith Robinson has a kid. Carmen Lynch. No kids. No kids.

Ray Allen. Thank God. No kids. Nick Griffin, No kids. No kids. Ray Allen? Thank God. No kids. Nick Griffin, no kids. Kevin Brennan, he does have kids. Yeah, but is that different from stand-up 20 years ago? I don't know if it is or it isn't, but there's obviously something going on here. We're obviously a group of people that is statistically less likely to have children.

Now, Russ Meneve, I know you've talked about wanting children. Yeah, I think one day I would like to. How old are you, Russ? 46. You need to get on it, I know you've talked about wanting children. Yeah, I think one day I would like to. How old are you, Russ? 46. You need to get on it. I know. Someone's got to take those investments. Take over your earnings portfolio.

No, but I give you credit for that because, I mean, I'm not great with numbers, but I'm fairly educated, and I tried to do the whole E-Trade thing. And like, I think I just lost money. Like, I don't know. I mean, to be honest, I didn't put that. I probably wasn't doing my full due diligence. Well, now there's a lot of online, like I was telling you, these apps where they don't even tell you where the money's going.

You just put something in and you put in your age, your risk assessment, everything. No, but that's where they take a couple of bucks. There's this one app where it takes a couple of bucks and it puts it in some account. Can I tell you about my feud

with the other comedy club? Yes. Yes, okay, okay. A preface to the... Do we want to quickly ask Carmen whether she wants to have children one day? No, I don't.

Go ahead. You don't want to have children? Of course you do. How are you going to keep a man? What am I going to... What do you mean? Keep a man? Oh my God. a man? What am I going to? What do you mean? I'm not a man. Oh, my God.

This is the old west 200 years ago. What do you mean, what do I mean? You don't have a kid to keep a man? I'm very comfortable not worrying about having a man. Oh, well, that's the answer. I don't want to keep a man. No, I mean, it's fine the way it is. You're not being serious.

No, you're joking. I'm only half joking, to be honest with you you're joking. I'm, I'm only half joking to be honest with you because I'll tell you why I'm only half joking because having children is a big part of most people's lives

and if you don't want to have children, you certainly are cutting yourself off from a large number of men who see a relationship as a vehicle to eventually having a family, that's all. But also, you're cutting yourself off to all the things you want to do

that don't work with children, like stand-up. Yeah, I get it. You think Chris's husband would have married her if he said, I never want to have children? Yes. Your Puerto Rican husband would have married you if you never wanted to have children. That's because he wouldn't even believe you

if he said it if he didn't you know screw that guy she'll find someone else yeah I should but we

he wouldn't we should say also he would have he would give up children yeah he would he loves you that much he would he would actually be fine

I think if we just had like Brayden and Simone those are the dogs no no no my niece and nephew. And yeah, no,

but of course a lot of men don't want to have kids either. I get it. Yeah. But, but I somehow think the guys who don't want to have kids are more likely a little damaged than the guys who do want to have kids. I think the people who come from happy homes and well, or more well adjusted,

that could be, they want to have families because they have a good feeling about family. And they want that again. Yeah, that could be. But that doesn't mean the person is bad. I would rather die alone, to be honest with you. I don't want somebody looking at me. Your Honor, I rest my case.

I don't want somebody looking at me. I just don't want one day my kids arguing, oh, you got to go visit dad, fuck. Because that's what's going to happen. I can look back at all the people I've known throughout high school and grammar school, whatever,

and their personality, and I could have told you in the sixth grade which ones would have grown up to want kids and which ones wouldn't. You know? You're absolutely

correct on that. And in fact, the four friends that I hung out with, from the best household to the most damaged, it went right in line with who finally got married.

The guy that had the best home life and a happy family, right away. Boom. Four kids on his way. And it went right down in order. Ultimately, to me, who's a comedian, my home life was horrible. So it all made sense in the end. And what you're saying, I think, is absolutely correct.

And how is that guy with four kids who got married really young, though? How is he now? Great. Great. He's a superintendent in my town. Yeah. And he loves it. And the kids. Yeah. And he loves it. And the kids are great.

And that's it. I don't want somebody obsessed with my demise. Does that make any sense to anybody? Yeah, but why do you think that's just kids? Your child will be obsessed with it. Well, yeah, of course. Children are always worried about their parents' deaths. And the parents get older.

And they're like, oh, dad, you know. I mean, if I'm going to fucking start shitting and peeing on myself, I want to do it in peace. I don't want commentary. That's the best case scenario, by the way. That's the best. Because at worst, they want your money, they want you dead. Right, okay. But then there's that, too. I'm the opposite.

I don't want to see my baby die. Oh my God. Nobody does. But that's obvious. But that risk, and I'm not saying that's why I didn't have kids, because I think I'd get over that, or I'd go to therapy if that was the thing, but I just... You'd get over the fear. Yeah. But I just never...

I used to want to have kids, but I think I was in that like la la Cinderella phase of my life where that's what you think you want, you know? And then you realize you're happy alone or with a guy and then you're fine. I'd be more worried about autism, which is like a record at record levels, you know?

And as you get older, I mean, the risk is higher. Shut up, Dan. Sorry. I'm going to be honest. Other than you, a lot of people with kids are not raving about it,

not really selling it at all. Yeah, that's true, too. At all. Noam loves it. Now, part of the reason is he's got how many people at that house

taking care of that kid? You got your mother-in-law, the nanny. Let's see, there's Mammy. There's Rosalyn. But I think it's easier for guys, too, don't you think, a little bit? First of all, there's nobody in my house taking care of kids. We have an au pair, but everyone else is gone.

Your mother-in-law and your nanny. Mother-in-law's gone. Nanny? We have an au pair, yeah. Who's there 40 hours a week, yeah. Does your wife work? No, she works Who's there 40 hours a week, yeah. Does your wife work? No, she works. She works one day a week.

I think Noam raises kids like he manages the cellar. He drops by. Has a friend, Jellico. That's not true. I spend all my time with my kids. Great. You can't even comprehend that, can you? Of course I can comprehend it.

No, I was kidding around. But you'll love it. So I think that... I played three games of Candyland yesterday. Do you know what that's like to play three games of Candyland? Yeah, I don't know how you're doing it. God bless you because... But also, a home's life is very secure in every other way.

Right. I think a lot of comedians feel there's a lot of darkness ahead. It's going to be very unstable. Also, what do you do with a baby when you're on the road, if that's how you live, you know? You know, that... No, no. It's not... The lifestyle.

It's not compatible, especially for a woman. Yeah. It's not compatible. The lifestyle you lead is not compatible with being the kind of mother you probably want to be. It can't be a middle-of-the-road, borderline failing comic and have children. I think that's off the table.

Yeah, I agree. You make it, and you can have them or not. think that's off the table. Yeah, I agree. You make it and you can have them or not. And that's just the way it is. And that's what you take on when you get into this. And then,

first of all, Robert Kelly is a really happy dad too, by the way. At least, as far as we know. As far as we know. No, no,

I think he really is. I mean, I spent a lot of time with him and his child. But do you think that men have it a little easier when it comes to having a child? As a comment?

No, where they don't have to stay home. I mean, Robert Kelly has a kid, but he's not at home. I'm sure his wife is helping. Yeah, yeah, absolutely men have it easier. Nature is quite sexist. I mean, nature has just made it difficult for women in a lot of ways. They try to blame men, but it's really not men's fault. Or just like sometimes it's whoever has the career kind of is, you know.

You know, even that, I said, you know, people can just turn this radio show off, but I suspect, I told you this before, I suspect that even if the woman is the major breadwinner in a family, quite often that causes a problem too. Both for the woman and for the man. Yeah, I see that. That was how I grew up, and it was like,

I, you know, my dad did everything at home. What's your relationship? It must be a great relationship with your mom. Yeah, I have a really good relationship. I mean, I have a really good relationship with my whole family. My wife would say,

honey, do you think we can get a new car in the spring? Yeah, or yes or no. If I had to say, honey, do you think we could get a new car? I'd be like, I'm a failure as a man. Yeah. I know that's wrong. I know that. I'm just saying, I would feel that way. I had to say, honey, do you think we could get a new car? I'd be like, I'm a failure as a man. I know that's wrong.

I know that. I'm just saying I would feel that way. I'd feel like I was impotent. A lot of people don't like that. But let me be boss in bed. No. If I have to come to you for an allowance, I'm just not going to. We joke about this all the time. My dad does that. My dad's like, give me a credit card to my mom. Give me a credit card. And he goes and

does them. Your dad's a better man than I am, that's for sure. But, you know, when we think back to, like, games and stuff, like, my dad was at our basketball games. My dad, I mean, my mom, it's not like my mom wasn't there, but when you're working, you know, overnight. Why do you hate your mom, Kristen? I love my mom. But your mother's a doctor.

What does your father do? He's a hairdresser. He vacuums? Oh, he's a hairdresser? He's probably cool. He did vacuum. He had his own salon at the time, and then he sold it when my youngest sister was born.

This sounds like a sitcom. And so then he just kind of went in. To this day, he works two days a week. He's basically waiting for his clients to die. He has a woman that he goes to her house. She's blind and deaf. He takes her from her house to the shop, does her hair. Why doesn't he just do it right

In her house? Because she wants She wants to be in the shop Shop experience She wants to have her thing And have the tea Does she get that old helmet? Oh yeah

She gets the curler The curl And they're gossiping Yeah it's a whole thing What kind of doctor is your mom? Emergency medicine Oh that's Wow

Can we preface next week's comedy Yeah go Oh you got your feud With another club Yeah this could be good Go ahead Yes I don't know if I should Talk about it now

But it's really Fucking bothering me I mean really You don't have to mention The club But give us hints A little bit I want to hear the club

Give us the nature of it We'll probably guess the club Yeah okay We got it Yeah yeah yeah Did I spell it After the first one Yeah

Okay Okay So We're doing this show Next week I said Yeah, okay, we got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I spell it backwards? Yeah. After the first one, yeah. Okay, okay. So we're doing this show next week. I said, it would be fun. Let's invite the owners of a bunch of other comedy clubs. This is next Wednesday. Next Wednesday. And I even said, and let's get another comedian even to host it

so it's not like I'm presenting myself in a superior position to them. And maybe let's have a panel with the various clubs in New York. It would be interesting. I think it would be interesting for listeners. It might even be interesting for the club owners. And it would just sound like a good show for a Comedy Cellar show, right? Yeah. So, Creak and the Crave said yes.

And who else? Chris Mazzilli is coming from Gotham. Al Martin. And Al Martin is coming from Gotham. Al Martin. And Al Martin is coming. But one club answered very nasty. Oh. And it stemmed from the following. And you can tell me what you think.

This club. I don't know. You're done. You're done. You're turning back now. Didn't we have them on, though? What's that? Didn't we have them on already? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know there You're done. You're done. You're turning back now. Didn't we have them on, though? What's that? Didn't we have them on already?

Yeah, yeah. I didn't know there was a problem. This is what happened. They've been on the show already. Apparently, they were booking a major TV show. I know what show it is. The owners of the clubs were also booking a television show. They were booking a major TV show.

Now, they claim not to agree, but I think we all compete with each other. When somebody says, I want to go out to a comedy club, they look, you know, and they choose which club they want to go to. And often what I think people do is they'll try this club once, try that club,

and then they'll kind of settle on the one they thought was best and that's the one they'll continue to go to. So when I heard, and a lot of it has to do with the talent that we're able to present, the quality of the talent. So when I heard that they had this TV show, I said, well, that could be not a great development for us because people really want to get on the TV show. But I was kind of jealous in a way. I wish I had that. So then they contacted me,

and they wanted me to give a five-minute spot to a pretty well-known comedian who works here anyway. So he could prepare for the TV show. And I answered the text. I can read exactly. Hold on. Dan, tell a story about something.

I want to get the exact text. Well, you can paraphrase. No, no, because the exact phrasing is quite important. In exchange for these people to come on the show, they wanted you to give a five-minute spot? No, and I, so they said, well, you put this guy on for five minutes. They wanted the comedian to be able to work out his set to practice his set

here at the comedy set. And they were going to be the go-between for a guy who already works here. To prepare for a spot on a certain TV show. And I immediately thought to myself, well, first of all,

I think that kind of, it elevates them. And if this is going to be a long-term thing, I don't want to become a cog in the wheel of another club's kind of routine of getting people on this TV show. That's how I felt. Well, anyway, so what was the test? Really no impact negatively on this club or that positively on theirs? You don't know that, but I will tell you this before I read it, that the, as you know as an investor, people always, big companies always crash because they underestimate

these threats. Before you know it, the other club becomes the happening place, and then something else falls in line, and some big star, and then all of a sudden, we don't go out of business, but all of a sudden, the luster is off the road. But also, why didn't this person just ask you directly?

We already work here. Why did they have to ask? So this is what I answered them back. I said, we should meet in person to discuss this. I'm extremely reluctant to become involved in your enterprise with the show. I'll be in tonight if you want to talk. That's what I wrote. So apparently this really set them off, my answer.

And they've been bitter with me ever since. So they didn't respond to that text? They did respond. I don't remember where they responded. So this time when I said, do you want to come on the radio show? They're like, we don't want to help you with your enterprise. And I didn't understand what they were talking about. Well, I have a comment about that. Anything in text for whatever reason

is taken five levels worse than how you meant it. I don't know why that's a phenomenon but you've got to be very aware of that. I am. That's why I said, would you like to meet in person? I know. What was the beginning again? The beginning of it was, I'm just telling you,

I don't know why that is. No, no, no. You want to be in your enterprise. The beginning was. You notice that in text? The beginning? It's always taking ten levels worse than how you really meant it. Like an email?

Yeah, I don't know what that is. Yeah, that's why we always have to put stupid emojis in everything. Yeah, and exclamation points. It's the reality of it, and that's life. I agree with you. Wait, can you read it again? I emojis in everything. An exclamation point. It's the reality of it. And that's life. I agree with you. Can you read it again? I wrote, and there's no exclamation points.

I wrote, we should meet in person to discuss. Before that. That's how it starts. Go ahead. We should meet in person to discuss. I'm reluctant to become involved in your enterprise with the name of the show. That's the reason. I'll be in tonight if you want to talk.

Although everything was great and fine what you said, I'm just letting you know that middle part was taken five levels worse than how you meant it. So you got to go from there. Everything was great and fine what you said. I'm just letting you know that middle part was taken five levels worse than how you meant it. So you got to go from there. So when did that text exchange happen? Like a year ago. So then, so then this time,

so this time they answer you back like, we don't want to help you. Tell him I don't want to help with his enterprise. So you know how they took it. Right. The way I described.

So I wrote back an email. I said, are you guys mad at me? I don't even know where it is. And they alerted me. No, that's what wrote back an email. I said, are you guys mad at me? I didn't even know we had an issue. And he alerted me. No, that's what you answered us. Right.

And I said, no, that's not what I answered. You're paraphrasing. He goes, no, we are not paraphrasing. Let's get on the phone and talk it out. Actually, I did talk it out. Okay. So they just, and then I had to give them their original, and then they said, you're not nice, and you're, just like piling on me, you know, we're not going to, I'm like,

dudes, I was inviting you on this radio show to have we're not going to, I'm like, dudes, I was inviting you on this radio show to have a good time. I've always been nice to you guys, you know, and it's like. Yeah, yeah. And I'll show you the emails. So they're not coming. The outcome is, now the relationship is done. Wow. Done.

Over nothing. Yeah, you're right. And, and by the way. They're very, they're emotional, those guys. Oh, if you read these, if you read these, I mean, over nothing. Yeah, you're right. And, by the way... They're emotional, those guys. If you read these, I mean, over nothing. Yeah. I never got nasty,

and I said, went on and on, and I said, you're paraphrasing. No, you're not. So when I started, I said, this is verbatim. It's nothing like what you said.

You should acknowledge it. It doesn't matter what you said. But you claimed it was, you're quoting me. You don't quote somebody verbatim, especially if it's negative. And then when you turn that, it's not true, say it doesn't matter what you said. But you claimed it was, you're quoting me. You don't quote somebody verbatim, especially if it's negative. And then when you turn it out, it's not true, say it doesn't matter. That's not the way professional people deal with each other. And then he says, we don't compete.

I'm like, of course we compete. Whatever, you know. I'm really, really, you have to read some of the things I was saying. I'm really aggravated about it. Well, you know, part of the reason is also your success relative to the other clubs is so overwhelming, so absurd. It really is. Yeah, that's another reason to speak nicely to the person if they text you, though. Here, this is what they said.

It's not about instincts, Dom. It's about common courtesy. What Louie and Chris possess and you haven't. Common courtesy. It's like, courtesy. What Louie and Chris possess and you haven't. Common courtesy. It's like, it just gets. Who wrote that? Can you say? One of the people.

I don't want to say it. Oh, I bet it's. We shouldn't have to meet you to ask you for a favor. Yes. You know, does it. Well, we can talk about it after. Yeah, you can say. Just don't say the names or anything.

Is it the booker of the club and not the owner? I don't know who's who. No, it's one of the owners. They're all on the email chain. Forgive me. I regard it as one, three, four hitter. What you said is crazy, I think. What Carmen said?

What? What did Carmen say that's crazy? Well, now we've lost audio. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, where is it? This one. Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Nobody wants to say the name of the person, so they're trying to mouth. But I'm just explaining to people listening, everybody's mouthing the names of who this could be. I picture like three people writing it together, and they're like, yeah, put that in. But this is what really bothers me. I'll give you a really far-out example. You know how everybody loves Uber? Do you like Uber, Russ?

Yeah, I love the whole... Do you like Uber? If Uber was not in New York, but was happening in Arkansas somewhere, and liberals, like New York liberals, that you guys saw on the news. Like you guys.

About how these cab drivers are protesting because they're losing their money. This fucking Uber. Because you don't see what the benefit. People are always so quick to not understand someone else's point of view and to just dismiss it. And it's the same thing with a guy in my position

having a successful club. Anytime I say, like, I don't want competition, I'm worried, oh, what if he makes money? What is it? Like, what is he worth? No. I have to worry about it. And I don't need to give a foothold to any... Nobody gave us a foothold. No, you don't have to worry. I'll tell you why. Because for whatever reason,

God wants you to win. Listen, listen. I don't know why it is. And the truth... Hold on, hold on. And nobody should... I was about to get on a roll there. Nobody should arrogantly expect a guy to want to give a foothold to a competitor. Now, the truth is, if they had met me, because I know I wouldn't bring them in for a meeting to waste their time. I would have agreed to it.

Hey, Gary, I would have agreed to what they wanted. That was my intention. But at the same time, I would have spoke my mind. This is what I'm worried about. This is what I don't want to see happen. If it's a one-off, of course, but in general,

you know, if the comedian wants to perform here, the comedian needs to call us. Right. We're not going to say no because it's for your show, but I don't want a middleman. We don't deal with middlemen.

We never have. We don't deal with managers. Chris Rock's manager doesn't come in here. Louis, nobody's middleman. So why am I going to start dealing with this middleman? I don't get why thatmen. We never have. We don't deal with managers. Chris Rock's manager doesn't come in here. Louis, nobody's middleman. So why am I going to start dealing with this middleman? I don't get why that guy didn't just say it.

If I could just quote from Charlie Sheen in the movie Wall Street, times are good and they're going to stay good. All right, Dan. Noam Dorman cannot fail. Don't put that out into the universe. Yeah, yeah. The universe, I didn't put it out into the universe. The universe put it out to me

Just let my next child be born Healthy and autism-less Obviously And God forbid And obviously But Noam Dorman Has nothing to fear From a business point of view

That is how I feel That is my position That is my stated position I understand that he is worried I get it He's worried I'm worried about I get it. He's worried. You understand, Dan. I'm worried about, you know, I get worried about tumors.

But it's usually those tumors are not tumors at all. Can I tell you what you guys are wrong? You're wrong about this, though, Dan. You know what I'm going to tell you? Do you understand? I taught myself PHP programming to program a reservation system for my website to gather my data in order to keep track of my customers. I did it all myself. That's not luck.

Now, I mostly see you drinking Frangelico, but I will take your word for it. No, no. Kristen knows this. I know, yeah. While the other clubs are charging $5 fees or whatever ridiculous thing they do to keep people out of their clubs for people who are already paying higher covers than they charge here. I was doing this myself on a computer so that I wouldn't have to, so I keep my prices low and all that stuff.

That's what I'm saying. So it's not God being. God is working through you in the PHP system. God is PHP. God is PHP. Yeah. And in a million other ways. I taught myself sound.

I taught myself lighting. All the things that these other clubs farm out to so-called professionals. Russ taught himself a dynamite Ray Romano impression, I remember, years ago. Yeah, it really catapulted me. Well, there was a brief period of time where Russ wanted to be, I mean like a week, Russ decided I'm going to be an impression comic. First of all, look who's talking, by the way. Yeah, but no, I know that. I was going to get to that. I'm going to be an impression comic. First of all, look who's talking. I know that. I was going to get to that.

I could turn on you too with this. Turn on me? I'm saying it out of love. I was saying, well, you know what? Maybe I should try to work on my Pacino. Can you do Pacino? I'll tell you. Can you do your Ray Romano? I can't even.

That was it. I heard it. I got to try to think. What was it? Ah, come on. I got twin boys here. Come on here. I got two twin boys here. I can't.

Come on. That's really good. That's really, really good. Thanks, but it's not my thing, unfortunately. Can you do anybody else? That's it. Hey, now. There you go.

Dan can do Chris Rock. Hey, now. And Maya Angelou. Maya Angelou. That's it. Hey, now. There you go. Dan can do Chris Rock. Hey, now. And Maya Angelou. Maya Angelou. That is impressive. The thing is, is if you're going to do impressions, if you're not at the level of fucking... Yeah, forget it. Of... Godfrey or Daryl Hammond?

Of Daryl Hammond. Those guys. Who was the first one? Come on, dude. Godfrey's not... You've got to be at, like, who's the guy on Fox? Who's the big impression cop? That Italian dude? Italian dude. Yeahfrey's the nut. You've got to be at, like, who's the guy on Fox? Who's the big impression cop? That Italian dude?

Italian dude. Yeah, Castigliano. Who does John Madden? Copper, Pino. This guy is insane. Frank Caliendo. That's an impressionist. That's a fucking impressionist.

You don't understand. Godfrey is maybe the most gifted impressionist anyone has ever seen. And it can't be somebody. He can do anybody. It's got to be unique. He can do you. He can do Esty. And he can do it like that without even do anybody. It's got to be unique. He can do you. He can do Esty. And he can do it like that

without even developing... Unfortunately, to make money, you've got to do celebrities. No, he doesn't want to be an impersonator. He can't do his parking lot. No, what I'm saying is he is a gifted, gifted impersonator.

Keith, am I lying? You're right. I'm right. What celebrities can he do that he can make money off? Who? Talk on the mic. Who can he do?

You name it. he can do it. Can he do, let's see, Steve Buscemi? Yes. He could literally do it anyway. Whether or not Garvey's a great impressionist or not is not the point. The point we're making is that if you do impressions okay, there's really no point doing them.

But your impressions are funny, and that's really the only point in doing them. It doesn't matter whether they sound like the guy. Your impressions are funny. They gotta be both. Alright, we're out of time, Dan. You gonna do Maya Angelou? You wanna sign off? No, I don't do a good Maya Angelou. You keep pushing. Oh, it's the best. All I do is Maya Angelou saying,

does my assassin is upset you? No, offend you, offend you. No, I think it's upset in the poem. It is? Upset? Did you see Obama's speech last night? Yeah, it was good. I didn't see it because as you may or may not know, I think it's upset in the poem. It is? Upset? Did you see Obama's speech last night? Yeah, it was good. I didn't see it because as you may or may not know, I don't have telly. Well, there's other ways. You have a computer.

It's a good speech. I do have a computer. The only thing you can see online is that. God damn. What a dumb answer. What a cheap way to try to fit in the fact that you don't have a television. Well, now there is. Now you say that this speech is available.

Is it available on the... It's online. On the interweb? On the video sharing site, youtube.com. I believe it is. Wait, Dan, you type in HTTP. All right, let's go right to... Backslash.

Backslash. Call in backslash. I thought the speech was really good. I didn't see the speech. I know everybody's talking about it on Facebook. Can you give us the key points and everything? Well, the key points was that he loves his wife and he loves his kids. No, but the end I thought was good.

How he said, you know, he focused on the fact that people talk a lot of shit about millennials kind of and how they are. But if anything, during this election circuit, they've shown that they can enact change and they have a voice and whatever. Now that it's up to them. Did he quote Rocky and say, if we could change, then I could change. You know, Rocky IV. Anyhow. I wanted to say certain things, but Keith Robinson is here, so I can't speak freely about it.

You know what? You spoke freely about Trump, and you actually compliment Trump every time you speak freely. I complimented about Obama, too. And that's horrible. Trump is a moron. Wow. He is a moron. One of the dumbest guys I've ever seen. I don't know about too. And that's horrible. Trump is a moron. Wow. He is a moron.

I don't know if he's dumb. I don't know about dumb. Watch your airspeed, Keith. Take another angle. He's not dumb. He's not dumb at all. Trump don't know shit about politics. About government. You just need to get older already so you can fit

No, I'm telling you. So you can fit this persona. Keith, I know this argument worked over the flaming garbage can on the corner, but it's not going to work here. Let Keith talk. Let Keith talk. Let Keith talk. Listen to what Trump says.

He's a complete moron. Which part exactly? Which part? Yeah. Don't repeat the question. It's stolen from time. Don't repeat the question. Don't bully him.

Go ahead. And they always say he's smart behind closed doors. Yeah. Yeah, I sing good behind the question. Don't bully him. Go ahead. And they always say he's smart behind closed doors. Yeah. Yeah, I sing good behind the showers. When I'm in the shower, I sing real good. Let's get more into this. They say that Hillary's really nice behind closed doors, too. I'll tell you what, Keith.

Let's explore that shower topic you just brought up. What do you sing behind the shower curtains? No, no, no. Do you guys have animosity between you? No, I love Keith. Oh, my curtains? No, no, no. Do you guys have animosity between you? No, I love Keith. Oh, my God. I like Russ. You know the saying, insults are the intimate language of males.

And me and Keith. No, no, no. It's called playing the dozens. If Trump would just apologize for all the stuff that he's done. He's lied. He's done everything. And he has a nerve to say fake news. He's a master of fake news.

Obama's born, he's not in his country. He wasn't born in his country. That's fake news. Absolutely. It's worse than fake news. It's actually disloyal to his country. Right. Bringing down a sitting president on a lie.

Not the act of a patriot. He talked about Ted Cruz's father. You mean the guy who tried to kill Kennedy? Yeah. How do you know he didn't? Keith was there. He was on the grass. I'll tell you one thing we can't agree on, though.

Keith Robinson has beautiful skin. That is beautiful, flawless skin. That is gorgeous. Look at that. That's what I'm talking about. Look at that. What are you eating? Trump's not that bad.

Keith, what are you eating? Damn, look at that. Shiny, beautiful, smooth. Go with it. You know what I'm telling you. I don't disagree with anything you said. I think Trump is a, what I said was, anybody who thinks he's all good or all bad is wrong. He is a buffoon, he's vulgar, and he does lie, and he did some, he did, and maybe his lowest point was that birther thing.

And, you know, I always felt that way. On the other hand, to pretend that he hasn't accomplished things or he has no skill set, or that when he criticizes our negotiating tactics, where we, for instance, take military action off the table and then beg Iran to give us a deal is dumb. He's right about that stuff too. And, you know, you can

look around New York City and there really is that big hotel and there really is the rink and there really is the waterfront and the Javits Center and other people really did spin their wheels and fail trying to do these things. He doesn't own it, by the way. No, but he made them happen. He licensed his name.

Now, not then. I believe then. No, no, not the hotel, not Trump Tower. Most of his businesses went to bankruptcy. And he vampired. Well, we can get into that. It is true. There's also some of the issues with Trump Tower and how

that got done. Listen, Russ, if I give you $15 million or whatever he started with, if you can turn it into $3 or $4 billion for me, I will not criticize the things that didn't work. Well, is that his worth? Or what it is? There has been some evidence that just putting it in the market

for those years would have yielded the same result. No, not billions. There's an estimate that, you know, one million in 1977. You know what

that would be worth now? In an index? No, but even if putting it with compounding interest, is it really that much? I swear to God, yes, it is.

It's like 60-some million dollars. Yeah, but not billions. But even if putting it in the market would raise the same amount of money, that still doesn't take away the fact that he made that amount of money in a much harder way. I'm not impressed with real estate people, to be honest with you. To me, a real business is like jobs, is like, you know, those guys. Bill Gates, some dude that puts up a building. It's nice.

It's a nice building, but it's like No, no. It's not a very impressive product. It's like it's been done. We've already discussed Dan's not impressed with infrastructure. I'm not impressed with infrastructure, but a building. People put up buildings all the time. It's like, where's the innovation? Where's the innovation in a building? It's a building. I've seen

a billion buildings. Did you see how long it took to get this kitchen done? Did you see how long it took to get the kitchen renovated? No, I'm not saying the man has no skills, but to me, a businessman that I admire is a guy like a job. He's a guy like the people that let me tell you what,

what, what I kept reminding myself about when I saw Obama's speech. And I like Obama. I mean, this is a good man. He's a dignified man. Was he a great president in your estimation? But I said to myself, you know what?

This is the same guy who loves his kids, who did not lift a finger to help any of those poor Syrian kids that are just getting bombed to shit. And when the Russians stepped in after he drew a red line, and he glibly, and frankly, talking about hack, and says, oh, they'll get stuck in a quagmire. But they didn't get stuck in a quagmire. They bombed the shit out of Syria.

They won. There's 400,000, 400,000 dead Syrians while the United States just stood there and watched. That's not the United States that I grew up in. We have a strong presence there now. What do you mean it's not the United States you grew up in? We've been watching people die all over the world for decades. Caproni's been doing it for years.

Look at that reference. Do you think Donald Trump would have done anything? Bitches cream. I don't know if he would have. I know that the people around Obama, Gates, Hillary Clinton, Panetta, the people closest to him, not Republicans, were telling him, you're making a big mistake. Don't do this.

He discounted the threat of ISIS. He famously discounted the threat of the Soviet Union in that debate with Romney. He discounted the threat of the Soviet Union into Syria. He discounted what would happen there. I mean, this is one big miscalculation after another. I must confess, Noam's getting into territory where I'm a little bit out of my depth. And that's why, again, just like I was saying about Trump, we have to be able to say, yes, he's a wonderful man.

He is a wonderful man, but let's not... You're talking about Obama. Yeah, well up in tears when we see how much he loves and what a good dad he is and all that and see how beautiful his children are and then make that... Now we have to forget what happened, you know? This really happened.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't change it because he's a good dad. Well, most people think... Many people think he was also a great president. Obviously, you are not in accord with that sentiment. And foreign policy? There's very few people who think that. What does he have to show for it?

Osama bin Laden. Ugh, that's not foreign policy, David's very few people who think that. What does he have to show for it? Osama bin Laden. Ugh, that's not foreign policy to me. Well, I think it just depends on what you want in a president. Do you want someone like Donald? I don't know. I mean, I don't know what he's going to accomplish. Hillary would have been the best president for foreign policy by far. I think it's impressive that there hasn't been a terrorist attack in this country in the last eight years.

That's impressive, I think. You think about it, honestly, Noam. I agree. Not even a suicide bomb. I mean, very small. Not even any of it. I mean, that's amazing. That's amazing.

Yeah. I give him credit. Huge credit for that. I guess. I mean, I'm... The way, as exposed as these subways are, and the way this city is, that nothing has happened of real. That's why I'm having trouble giving him credit for it because I feel like, and it's not a knock on him,

that if somebody wanted to blow themselves up on the subway, the best president, Abraham Lincoln, couldn't prevent that. If they're not doing it for whatever reason, they decided not to do it. But the real animals he's managed to prevent, the guys who really want to take out mass casualties. Yeah, I'm going to give you the credit, the big credit to Obama is that he came in there criticizing all President Bush's policies. And when he got behind the office, he was like, behind the desk, he's like, uh-oh, well, maybe not so fast. They didn't close Guantanamo. They kept the surveillance up.

They, you know, he's been pretty, he's been droning people. Right. But even the droning people, you know, it's all on the cheap rather than risk any American lives. But you can't create or... The only thing worse than being the world's policeman is a world without a policeman. Well, a lot of it's a secret, too. Delta Force just took out a big... You see that in the Wall Street Journal, I think it was.

Delta Force, that's a real thing? But I'm not saying everything he's done is bad. I'm not saying everything he's done is bad. That sounds like something beyond Special Forces. Saturday morning cartoon. He's been tough. It's's a real thing. But I'm not saying everything he's done is bad. I'm not saying everything he's done is bad. That sounds like something beyond Special Forces. Saturday morning cartoon. He's been tough. It's like a video game. He's been tough.

He's been tough. But no, on this notion that we have to save people overseas, that's very nice. But a case can be made that one American life is worth a million foreign lives. I mean, it's a calculus that you want to... It depends on your calculus, depending on where you value our lives versus foreign lives. I mean, it's a calculus that you want to... It depends on your calculus, depending on where you value our lives versus their lives. It is a blight on the world for the world's hyperpower, the superpower that was stronger

than all the other countries combined, to sit by and... Syria is nothing. But how many American lives is it worth to you? Maybe it might be zero American lives. You create a no-fly zone. But there is a number of American lives that you would say is unacceptable. Listen, you want to save American lives?

Lower the speed limit to 20 miles an hour. I mean, you can always find a way to save lives. But, you know, it's ridiculous. I mean, if America is not ready to even risk machinery and have a no-fly zone in a piddling country like Syria, what does it tell all the bad actors in the world? There's people who want to commit atrocities and genocide in every corner of the globe. James Woods out of this for a second. What he's telling them is, don't worry about America.

America is done. You're free to do what you want. And we've seen that. We saw that in World War I. We saw that in World War II. It's ridiculous to go back to that. Ridiculous. A ridiculous overreaction to other things that didn't work.

We're listening to CNN. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Lou will cut this all out because it's not funny. Well, it doesn't matter if it's funny. You can make a Syrian baby joke, Dan. Well, it may or may not be funny. It may be engaging. It may be fascinating. I don't know.

It doesn't have to be funny every single second. No. And obviously, Noam, you agree with that because you like to get us into these topics. I like to make it not funny.

Well, you like to get us into topics that are very hard to get humor out of. All right. Anyway, so... Get out of in general. I mean... But in any case, Well, they're interesting. I mean. But in any case,

we can end with this, I suppose. Well, we're over time, but go ahead, Dan. One more imitation, Dan, to end it? No, I don't need to do another imitation. We have to bring Carmen back for an actual, like,

stint at this point. But not when Russ is here because Russ gets all the attention. Well, I can't believe I'm saying that. I'm going to say that I lost 50 pounds. I actually think Dan was sexist. And I've never said that about anybody before. I actually think there was some sexism going on.

Do you agree with that, Kristen? Tonight? I don't know if there was sexism. No, I just had a few things I wanted to talk to Russ about. And I had said to Calabria, let's get Russ on. And then Calabria wrote back, oh, well, Carmen's coming too. And I wasn't prepared. You can't spring it.

It was a last minute addition. Well, I'm on next. So you have like three minutes probably. You were a last minute addition. I didn't have time to prepare for you. Okay. I'm always thrilled to see you. You know how I look at you, creepy.

Yeah, you do. I think Carmen is a ray of sunshine around this place. I'm happy to see you, obviously. You know how I look at you creepy. Yeah, you do. I think Carmen's a way of sunshine in and around this place. I'm happy to see you, obviously. You can tell. But I wasn't prepared for you coming in today because we knew we had Russ coming on and I wasn't aware until

the last minute that Carmen was coming on. If you'd like to get a drink after, have a drink and discuss this further, we certainly can. Would you mind? I didn't mean to put you into that spot. Maybe a love boat nightcap? That's not what I meant by another skin.

He doesn't want to have kids. The Regal Beagle? Right. He'll put it wherever you want. He's very, very funny. But wear a mask. Because it's going on your face. Oh!

I'm glad you saved it at the end because I was like, oh, that's a hard slam on Carmen. Oh my God, no. I was taking it on him. I thought a blindfold, I guess, is a better thing to wear. So would you? Oh, come on. I am a taken woman.

It's so inappropriate. Yeah, I think Dan is a great guy, but we'll see each other. Who are you? Oh, come on. I am a taken woman. It's so inappropriate. Yeah, I think Dan is a great guy, but we'll see each other at a so inappropriate gnome dorm. What's that look? Why can't I ask?

I don't discuss that stuff. No, you don't know him. Oh. He's not a comic. But comics don't date comics. Exactly. Carmen does, by the way. Carmen does.

I believe you lived with a gentleman. Never lived together. Oh, so. We dated. I just you lived with a gentleman. Never lived together. Oh, so... We dated. I just... That was like 10 years ago. Oh.

But comics, in general, they don't date comics. They certainly do. Absolutely. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen. Who? That's a yes.

It happens all the time. Who are you dating? Who are people that perform here? Who's dated? You can't name... Of course I can, but I don't want to...

No, I'm talking about something that's public. I'm not saying if something happened behind closed doors or whatever, you don't want to disclose it, but besides Keith and Marina, who has dated that performs here? Anthony Jeselnik and Amy Schumer. David Tell and Sarah Silverman.

That was public, right? Something that happened in the last 10 years. Gary Goleman and April Macy. Also not in the past 10 years. And Sade, she's a comedian. No, she's not.

In the past 10 years. I'm not talking about what happened in the 80s and then like everybody was fucking everybody. I'm talking about legitimate like dating relationships.

Rick Croman, Dan Aderman. Rick Croman, Dan Aderman. There's got to be some. There are, and I'm telling you, I work too far out. I don't know if you're like

dating like everybody knows, but they are doing it. Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel. People are, comics are having sex with each other. No way.

Who? Leonard Utes and Nikki Glaser. Oh, that's cute. No, it just doesn't seem to. It happens all the time. You're completely wrong. How did doesn't seem to... It happens all the time. You're completely wrong.

How did it happen with you? It happens all the time, but I don't think it sticks. Oh, maybe that's why. How did it happen in your case? So long ago. It was over 10 years ago. Oh, so it's out of the statute of limitations. Now we know he just liked you because you were tall.

Jeannie Asheray and Aziz Ansari and Je because you were tall. Jeannie Asheray and Aziz Ansari and Jeannie Asheray. Jeannie Asheray. I remember Norton was dating... Norton was dating Chelsea Perrette.

Right, but that was before she was up and coming. She was a comic. You said comics don't take comics. I rattled off seven couples.

Oh, that was too many years ago. That was also almost ten years ago now. Marina and her guy. And Keith Robinson, right? Marina was just dating that guy too many years ago. That was also like almost 10 years ago now. Marina and her guy. And Keith Robinson, right? Marina was just dating that guy, Veezy. The blonde.

Vessi. Didn't Rachel go out with Keith? Yeah, that was also a thing. Oh, yeah. Yes. And Jessel Nick and Amy Schumer wasn't 10 years ago. It was almost. No.

No, it was not almost. Five or six years ago. Less than five. Is it upsetting to be a type? Like, if you break up with a girl, Dan, or she breaks up with you, and then she goes out with, like, another, you know, nerdy Jewish guy. Whoa, hey, whoa, hey. No, are these yours?

Can you see? Or, like, you know, now that he goes out with another tall girl. Right. Does he feel like that cheapens what you had in a way? Like, oh. No. Oh, God. Just kidding.

I'm just joking. No, I mean, it almost makes it like, yeah, it's fun to be tall. You're going out with a shorter guy now, right? Shorter than you? No, we're the same. But tall is not necessarily a fetish. Tall is universally sexy. That's not a fetish. No, I can't be too tall to be. I will

climb Mount Kilimanjaro. I'll have a night with a girl, but I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary.

I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary.

I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary.

I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary.

I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary.

I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. I'm like Sir Edmund Hillary. girl, but... Well, he likes the really hot, tall bartender in the pussycat. Well, not because she's tall, but because she's got all the right junk in all the right places.

Whoa. On that note, okay. Sign off, Dan. You've been listening to comedy stuff. What do we call ourselves? Live from the table? How are we? On the Sirius XM Channel 99. And I'll just conclude by saying hoo-ah!

Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you.