The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Sean Patton, Mark Normand, and Nate Andorsky

Episode Date: November 3, 2017

Sean Patton and Mark Normand are prominent standup comedians who may be seen performing regularly at the Comedy Cellar. Nate Andorsky is a co-founder Creative Science - a digital agency that leverages theories derived from behavioral economics to build websites, mobile apps and virtual/augmented experiences for nonprofits, foundations and mission driven companies. He was recently published in Forbes about his experience performing standup comedy with his article, "What Performing Stand-Up Comedy Can Teach You About Growing Your Business".

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. My name is Noam Dwarman. I'm the owner of The Comedy Cellar. We're at the back table. With me, as always, is my co-host, Mr. Dan Natterman. Hello, Dan. Howdy. We got our work cut out for us this week, Noam, because last week's show was Red Hot Baby. So we raised the bar, I think, last week. Last week was good. So we got our work cut out.

All right. Well, have no fear. Sean Patton is here. Have a lot of fear. One of the greatest comics, actually one of the greatest comics in the country. Jesus, thank you. What country? Exactly. What country, what year? One of the funniest off the top of his head people

I've ever seen in my life. And also Mr. Mark Normand is here, who is also a fantastic comedian, I guess. Also one of the greatest in the country. In the country. I'm big in Guam. And we have a guest with us, Mr. Nate Andorski.

Andorski, yep. I was saying to him before, he's the youngest Nate that I've encountered in my travels. Right, right, right. He's the greatest Nate in this country. One of the best Nates in this country. Thank you. Excuse me, fellas. He is a co-founder of Creative Science, a digital agency that leverages, whatever that means. I never. Excuse me, fellas. He is a co-founder of Creative Science, a digital agency that leverages,

whatever that means, I never knew what leverages mean, leverages theories derived from behavioral economics to build websites, mobile apps, and virtual,

have I told you about cutting this shorter? All right. Augmented experiences for not, he just cuts and pastes it for non-profit foundations and mission-driven companies.

He was recently, he was recently published in Forbes about his experience performing stand-up comedy with his article, What Performing Stand-Up Comedy Can Teach You About Growing Your Business. Mark even. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me read that one more time. So, first of all, Forbes magazine. Well, it was online. It wasn't the actual magazine, but it was good enough. So more people read it then? You mean? Yeah, yeah. Well, my mom read it, so that's a win.

Actually, that's a good point. Who has magazine subscriptions anymore? Jesus Christ, I can't even say it. I think older folks. Grandparents do, yeah. Older folks. Hot demographic. So, you know, we have a lot to talk about.

We have sexual harassment and terrorism Pedophilia Terrorist attack was just A few blocks from here But was something else happen? Oh god Trump tweeting Trump

But let's just pretend none of that happened Let's talk about your Forbes article from last month So what Go ahead I'm just saying's talk about your Forbes article from last month. Well, we'll give him the... Go ahead. No, I'm just saying, we'll give the Forbes article 15 minutes, see how it goes. No, I'm kidding. So you did stand-up comedy?

I did. As a way of learning about business? I actually just did it because I wanted to try it. It's something I always wanted to do, and I was like, I'm going to give this thing a shot. And I didn't go in with the intention of writing an article, but it was a nice thing that came out of it. So were you funny? How'd you do? I did. I kind of crushed it. I was a little surprised.

You remember any of your jokes? There's a few. It was about... My skit was basically... No, my sound is weird. What's the matter with you? It was fine before. It was only in one ear. I think you turned me off. It's just funny because in the same sentence, you were like, I did. I crushed it. And I was like, confidence funny because in the same sentence, you were like, I did. I crushed it. And I was like, confidence.

And then the next thing, you're like, you know, my skit was about. Now I'm conflicted. They don't call them skits. Well, that's why I kind of went out on top. So you did a couple, got to the top. Got to the top, and then I walked away. You don't have to keep going if you're confident. Yeah, that's what you got to do.

You got to bow out on top. Do you want to tell us your best joke? Or no? I would preface it by saying that jokes Out of context off stage Can be tricky Thank you This guy's on my side, I appreciate that

You're not obligated to tell us your best joke Alright, so if you don't want to tell your jokes Dan stepped on that, listen I just want to make sure that we set the stage you can say that after he tells the joke if it flops then you can make the excuse for the joke that's true I can certainly do that

so let's get on with it so I own a business and I've never done stand up now tell me why it is what I would get what would I learn from doing stand up I think the biggest thing that I learned is we got to the class it was a class I took for six weeks, then we had a showcase at the end of it, and the first class, right away, the first five

minutes, they made us just get up there and start doing our skit. I didn't have anything prepared. Why do you call it a skit? I don't know, because I'm in the industry. I don't know what you call it. That's what fucking comedy classes make you do. Yeah, it's called a skit. Who taught the class? Do you mind?

Eddie Brill. I can't remember his name. It's DC Improv in DC. Oh, yeah. I have a very big problem with stand-up comedy classes. Yeah. I mean, it's just,

I know one person, I only know one comedian who ever took classes that is now an actual comedian. Jim Gaffigan. Well, Jezelnik. Oh, he took them? But he said that's how he got started.

Well, a lot of people. The thing, very briefly, my thing about comedy classes is if you need to feel at ease by taking a class, and it helps you to feel at ease rather than just jumping right into it, then a class can be valuable. Anyway, so business. I agree. Joe Mackey as well. A lot of people have taken comedy classes. It's not a class where I thought they were going to teach you,

but he just basically put us in there and said start doing your routine. Then that's a good class. Yeah. Because you can't teach it, I don't think. You can't. No, you cannot teach it, no. It's trial by error. The worst comics are teachers. The teachers are always unfunny.

Yeah. But you can be funny and take the class. Yeah. He wasn't teaching. He told us the first five minutes. He said, listen, if you're not funny, I'm not going to make you funny. I can help you tweak your jokes and get better. Was there an audible sigh of people who thought they were going to actually get funny in the class?

Did you say if you were funny, you wouldn't be teaching this class? Yeah. But you just got Dormand. But there were people who dropped out because they were like, I'm not funny. I'm not going to make you funny. It's funny that you say that, because there is a class that's taught here at the comedies. You're right. Oh, there is?

There's a class here? Yeah, yeah. It was just a joke. Rick is funny. Of course he's funny. I'm sorry. Go ahead. What am I going to learn from business?

Well, the first thing is you get up there and you just start firing away. So the first thing, a lot of people start companies, they want to plan, plan, plan, plan. With stand-up comedy, you get up there right away and the only way to see if something works is to start telling jokes. Why is that good advice for business? Because a lot of people will just plan. You just got to execute right away. Whatever you have in your head, just go ahead and start doing it. It's the first thing you need to do.

Stop thinking about it. I see you looking at these two over here. I'm just wondering, does that sound like good business advice to you? I get it. Just do it. I'm not a business owner, but I do. It does seem like the most successful business owners are always... Doers? You know, doers. That's what I drink.

Yeah. Well, I will say that... Jesus. So go ahead. Coming in with the scotch jokes. I mean, what business and stand-up comedy have in common is that both kind of... A lot of people think of doing them and few people do. So it's the

gumption is the common factor between business, between entrepreneurs and comedians. But don't you think with comedians it's more of a need than ambition or a gumption? It's more of an only thing you can really do. You gotta get up there. It's an urge. Compulsion. You don't really have many other options.

It's also like being able to make people laugh is powerful no matter what industry or what you do. So if you can hone that skill, whether you're in business or whatever, I mean, that's powerful. But within reason because some professions you want to be taken seriously. I don't want my pilot, for example, when I get on a plane, you know, I don't want him killing. Yeah, but if you picked up the... Talking about your show, the Natterman show. Like your pilot, huh? Yeah.

Tell us about it, baby. Certain professions, like a doctor. I had a doctor try to be funny with me. I was like, dude, no. What about bedside manner? Bedside manner is fine, but serious. I don't want a doctor that's trying to be too funny. But you want him killing it at being a doctor.

Killing it at being a doctor. Killing it at being a doctor by deadly serious. I don't want him like, so how was your day? Working hard or hardly working? I would have none of that. I mean, that's what came to mind. But I'm just saying I want my doctor pretty serious. I want my airline pilot pretty serious.

It's not a fucking joke. Take it fucking seriously. It's the same way in bed. When a girl tries to be funny, it's like, this is serious business. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah, when you pull your pants down, they just start laughing. Hey, you heard it right. Play it, folks.

Dan Adaman's the only funny guy in the room. No, I will. Not in a sexual context, no. It's serious business, and I take it seriously. Now, Nate. Yes. Can I read his bullet points? Double down on who you are are and your audience will follow.

Yeah. What does that mean? I agree with that. I can't call it a skit because apparently that's what it's called. But my skit was about me. Keep it up to date. Call it a routine. Routine.

Okay, got it. Noted. My routine was about I was chasing down this really, really hot girl that I thought I had a chance with. I completely fucked it up. And my instructor told me, like, you are vulnerable and you're going to screw this up. You need to lean into that. Don't try to be someone you're not. And that was the best piece of advice he gave me.

He's like, listen, your personality is your personality. Don't try to be somebody you're not. If you lean into that, the audience knows it's authentic and they'll pick up on it. You guys agree with that? I agree. Thoroughly. Triple down. Yeah, I think so. Expect an exponential ratio. I don't know what that means, an exponential ratio. How do you own

a business? I feel like it's a lot of jargon. What is an exponential ratio? I know what exponential means. Expect an exponential ratio of preparation time to completion. Yes. A five minute skit took me like ten hours to prepare. Oh yeah, absolutely.

And people don't realize that when they see you. Some of the best bits take years. Years. Dan, you want to? What do I want to do what? How you say something matters more than you think. Body language is huge. Your cadence, how you deliver your lines.

Delivery, baby. It's huge. I mean, there was a few lines that if I had said them a different way, they wouldn't have landed. Yeah, this is more public speaking than running a business. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe. Shit, I'm busted.

I mean, is it a public speaking business? Being a good people person can certainly help you in business. Sure. Carnegie, Dale. Dale Carnegie, winning friends. Yeah, but I think in the context of pitching a product or trying to get investors or trying to sell something, those types of tips definitely come into play. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, yeah. Sometimes people laugh solely because of someone's delivery. I imagine it's the same way in business. Sometimes you buy fucking, I'm going to buy 10,000 units from that guy because I like it. I like his moxie. It's like Tommy Boy. In business, you can't just say motherfucker and get a free ride, which sometimes you can do in stand-up comedy. I bet you do.

I bet in the right, if you're in the fucking dildo business or the cocaine business, you could probably drop a motherfucker. Yeah, maybe. You kind of have to In those businesses But sometimes comedians You can just Get a lot of mileage Out of a well played Oh you're saying

Yeah You're saying a well I see what you're saying Yeah yeah yeah Good point good point You're saying motherfucker Right I thought you were saying

I like my comedy And my business men clean Oh I know Family friendly business men only Yeah just for the record I cannot find exponential ratio As a used term anywhere. I made up that word.

I Googled it, and your article came up. So you're going to be... I had to sound smart. So did you Google Abe Lincoln when he said the better angels of our nature? Nobody else ever said that. No, I was... The guy's a genius. Yeah, so am I.

Fair enough. Fair enough, Dan. You know what? He's absolutely right. You're allowed to coin a phrase. There you go. I. Fair enough. Fair enough, Dan. You know what? He's absolutely right. You're allowed to coin a phrase. There you go. I just did it. That's a higher order ability than using shop one, right?

Just use cliches all day long? I don't know that exponential ratio is necessarily a phrase, though. It's a term. And Nate Avernofsky? Dan's very protective of you, Nate. I'm not going to kill you. You know, the thing is, is noam will often invite guests on and pounce. I prefer to make them feel like good cop, bad cop.

Noam does this. He says, we'd love to have you on the show. I read your article. Yeah. I love how the comedian wants to protect and the owner of the club wants to pounce. I came all the way up from D.C. for this. Did you really? Yeah.

Can you believe that? Oh, my God. He rode a bus for three hours. That's a thing. That's an exponentially long trip. I know, right? We'll give you some lentil soup. I traveled from the same time zone all the way here.

On a train, though. On a train. So two hours. That's right. Forbes. Got that Forbes money. I do have a question. So I actually, all kidding aside, there is something to what you say about people do

overthink things and overplan things. So, I actually, you know, all kidding aside, there is something to what you say about, you know, people do overthink things and overplan things. Yes, oh my God, yeah. So, but I am curious about one thing and then we'll move on. How do you get something published in Forbes magazine? I am part of the entrepreneurial group called YEC and they have connections with Forbes and Entrepreneur, a couple other magazines. So, you can submit stuff through them. And what does your business do now? We create websites, mobile apps for non-profits, foundations.

Would you work for a profit? I work for a for-profit company. Would you? Would I work for a for-profit company? Yeah. I run one right now, yeah. Oh, you said you created them for... We create them for non-profits.

Would you create one for a profit? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Yeah? Yeah. Because I think we should get some mobile apps. Yeah, we should have an app. A comedy seller mobile app.

Yeah? Buy tickets, line up. I can hook it up. Yeah? Yeah. All right. Yeah, all right. I take it all back.

There you go. Now you guys are being nice to me. For an arithmetic price? You saw the exponential ratio of that business deal? It was less time, You guys are getting good. You guys are getting good.

Yeah, I get this now. I mean, people... Business terms. People look to comedians for almost everything. And not just entertainment. In business, in marketing, even like therapy. It's good for us,

but in therapeutic ways of like, consult you on these issues? Yes. I've been reached out to from like, I've been reached out to by liquor reps. Yeah, me too. And not like marketing. Like, would you want to come in and speak to my team?

I'm like, no! Really? What the fuck do I know about this? They think they want comedy, but they don't. And I'm not a motivational, I don't want to sit down and be like, guys, here's how you push, you know, fucking that Seagram's 7 and 7 spinoff. Right. And I'm like, I don't want, not that there was one, there wasn't, I'm not saying Seagram's was the one, it was just what I used to cover up the actual one. My buddy asked me to punch up his wedding speech, and I was like, ah, you don't want that.

It's not him, you know, that's the, and at my best friend's wedding, when I was going to give the fucking speech. And I was like, ah, you don't want that. It's not him. And at my best friend's wedding when I was going to give the fucking speech, he was like, hey, can you do like a roasting chunk? Yes, yes. And I did, but it was like, alright, you want me to roast? And I fucking got mean. It was awkward. You wanted this. You wanted me to point out

how many people your sister slept with. You wanted me to say that. You didn't do slept with. Right. You wanted me to say that. You didn't do that. I absolutely did. You got to do it. Here's what I did. His dad. These people ask the wrong comedians.

His dad is a urologist, okay, and his sister. And so I did the joke of give it up for his dad, spends every day on his knees in front of a different penis. Oh, wait, that's sister. Oh, that's okay. That's a fun joke. And, you know, clap, ha, ha, ha. But it was like, but her friends and her boyfriend was like, dude, that was inappropriate.

And I'm like, her parents fucking laughed. The groom laughed. She laughed. But now, you know, then these people weren't in on the, you know. It was just kind of weird. Well, you know, you're springing a roast on people that weren't coming for a roast. Exactly. You know, comedy cannot be sprung on, but you can spring music on people.

You can spring true. Noam does it every Friday. Yeah, yeah. Why is that the biggest laugh of the... I mean, it is interesting when you walk up here on a Friday and you hear Hotel California playing play live. You can't spring comedy, and people do this. Sometimes you do a corporate gig, and they'll say, what we want you to do is we're going to introduce you as though you're like some

guest speaker about marketing. And they won't know you're a comedian. And then you go up there and you start doing jokes. And I'd say, well, I'll do it if you want, but that's just not the way this works best. The way it works best is

you tell everybody there's going to be a comedy show. If you want to see the comedy show Stay If you don't want to see a comedy show Leave now That's the move Get the fuck out Because we don't want people here

That didn't come for a comedy show That are being comedy That are being forced to watch a comedy show I did a gig in Norway earlier this year And they actually Kind of quickly interview Every audience member that comes in To make sure they're not too fucked up and they know what they're getting. Oh, that's nice. What they're coming in to sit down.

Like, they'll ask them, where are you coming from? How many drinks have you had? That's interesting. Do you know what's going on? Wow. And they turn some people, like every eight hours. We do that. We kind of do that.

Well, you guys, this is one of the best police rooms in the country. Yeah, I know. You guys definitely. You do extreme betting, and. But we kind of really do do that. If you go on Yelp. Yeah. Comedy Cell Yelp, of course, no, that's good. You guys definitely... You do extreme betting and... But we kind of really do do that. If you go on Yelp... Yeah. Comedy seller Yelp,

of course, most of the reviews are... Yeah, Dan, you know, just really, let's just publicize this, Dan. In case anybody has to come to it on their own, let's just... Most of...

Well, do you not want me to continue the thought? That's too late. Go ahead, you said Yelp. I think that most of the reviews, of course, are absolutely stellar. The comedy seller is beloved. Best club.

But of the bad reviews, it's usually people absolutely stellar. The Comedy Cellar is beloved. Best club. But of the bad reviews, it's usually people that were thrown out. They feel without justification that they were told that they were drunk. One person claimed that they were told they were drunk and were actually physically ill.

For example, they had some sort of neurological problem. I think a lot of people don't realize that laughter is a literal thing. A lot of people think of it in a metaphorical sense because the common thing you hear is, I was just laughing. And it's like, what do you think laughter entails? Does that entail talking? Does that entail shouting at your waiter?

Taking photos. Exactly. Pulling your phone out. I was just laughing while shouting and a bright light was shining from my phone. And I was telling my waiter that they brought the wrong drink loudly, and I was talking to the table next to me. That was all just laughing. Yes, when I was marching in Charlottesville, I was just laughing.

That was hilarious. But I did a gig upstate. Some guy saw me here, hedge fund guy, and he goes, you've got to roast my company. And he showed me the money. I was like, you got it. And he gives me all the dirt. He gave me a spreadsheet of all his employees, and he goes, you gotta roast my company. And he showed me the money. I was like, you got it. And he gives me all the dirt. He gave me a spreadsheet of all his employees,

and the dirt was me. And he goes, be vicious. And I went up there, and I called everybody out, and I bombed so bad. They almost ran me out of the place with torches and forks. And the guy was like, what happened? And I was like, you don't want this shit. Especially from someone they don't know.

Yeah, that's weird. Oftentimes, the person planning the show doesn't know really what the audience wants. Frequently, they'll tell you, oh, you can be dirty. Yes. And they don't want dirty. Totally. I got fired.

I did a gig at AOL. They hired me. They were like, be edgy. We like your edgy style. And I was judging a costume contest. And there was an African warrior came off and a cat woman came on. I said, hey, watch that whip around the African.

And the cameras wilted and the lights went doo. And the guy just said, you're fired. And I had a whole week left. I remember that. I did a J, Janine Garofalo and I. You can't say that in a corporate setting. They said, be edgy. That's a loss you're waiting to have.

They fired me. I got paid though. But that's what they tell you they want. They're like, get in here. And it's like, you don't want this. I've had my friends, a high school teacher in New Orleans, reach out to me like, would you come and do a set and then talk to the kids?

And I was like, absolutely not. I don't know what the fuck you want and then talk to the kids? And I was like, absolutely not. I don't know what the fuck you want me to say to the kids. Because the level of darkness that exists in my life that facilitates this, I don't want kids aspiring to have. It's like when a girl says, do whatever you want to be. And you're like, all right. And then they call the police. It's not fair.

What's the worst when somebody comes up to you and they're like, be funny? I mean, you can't just be funny when What's the worst when somebody comes up to you and they're like, be funny? I mean, you can't just be funny when on demand. Why would they call up to you? I mean, you did just kind of right there. Yeah. These guys, they can. They are funny.

They're trained professionals. Yeah. They're naturals. They're naturals. Hey, I came up from D.C. for this. Noam, do you have more to talk about with regard to comedy and business and the intersection they're in? Mark and I came up from Louisiana to do this. That's true. No, go ahead, Dan. Take it wherever you want.

Well, I would like to talk about, if I could... Oh, God. Not France. Not France. I was in France at the same time with Mark Norman. Damn it. And he didn't reach out. I reached out, but he didn't respond. Text me.

Email me. You wrote in Instagram's comment. Anyway, be that as it may, we've talked about that. There was a terrorist attack today,

or yesterday? Yesterday. Here in New York. Well, by the time this is aired, it will be a couple of days ago. And I got a lot

of the usual. Now, six people died? Eight people died? Eight. Eight people died. We live in a lot of the usual. Now, six people died, eight people died? Eight. Eight people died. We live in a city of, say, six million, eight million residents, maybe another eight million

tourists in the city on a daily basis. Eight people died, obviously a terrible tragedy, but statistically speaking, to write me and say, are you okay? Seems odd. That's a good point. And it happened a few times.

I appreciate that you're wondering about it, but statistically speaking, shouldn't you just I was thinking this, maybe this could be a joke, maybe not. Shouldn't you just write to everybody over 50 every day, are you okay? More likely that they would. More likely they'll be dead than a random New Yorker after a terrorist attack.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, if you live your day by statistics. Yeah. Well, I don't live everything statistically, but it did seem odd to me, people saying, Dan, are you okay? And marking themselves safe. And marking themselves safe. There was a lot of that. But I think that's more of like a give me an excuse to tell you about how I feel about the tragedy.

That's a lot of people. That's another one. Just to get attention. Well, everything on Facebook is about getting attention. It's all about it. The existence is about attention. And Facebook sent me a message saying, some of your friends want to know if you're safe. I don't know how that works.

I got my mom texted me saying. And I said, I will not mark myself safe. I'm not jumping on the moment. I will do it either. I didn't do it. If I was dead. I'm not jumping on the mountain. I will do it either. I didn't get asked. Ouch. Everybody knows you're okay now.

No. Nobody cares. Maybe they know you don't bike. You don't care when there's no music on Friday night. You stopped texting me back like a year ago, so I didn't text you anymore. What are you talking about? I don't care. I'm just fucking with you.

My parents didn't text. I just realized that. Generally speaking, if I were dead, you'd probably know. Not really. It would take a couple weeks, I I were dead, you'd probably know. Not really. It would take a couple weeks, I think, for people to figure it out. Yeah, you're not on the lineup that often. I'm not a huge name that it would be immediate news. It depends how you died.

It might be news. That's true. It depends how you might die. My mom texted me, I assume you're okay, and then in parentheses, because it happened on a bike path. But are you okay? That's a fun mom. Your mother's a comedian. And then later that night, because my mom

likes to, she's gotten crazier in her old age. She has some wine. She likes to talk. She smoked a shitload of weed with Ari once. Shafir. Ari Shafir. She texted me to remind me that Or to let me know for the first time in my life

That I am the product of birthday sex with my dad Wow She never told you that before It's just never something you'd ever think about Your dad's birthday? My dad's birthday She just wanted me to know By the way, in case you were wondering

I wasn't, but thanks Yeah, your mom's got a good skit Yeah, it's a good skit Apropos of the terrorist attack Noam got his hit. Noam vowed, by the way, a few weeks back, I'll never get into Facebook arguments again. I'm just going to post pictures of my kids.

There you go. And, you know, that could lead to an argument, too. Like, no, your kid is not adorable. But, anyway. Noam posted something related to the terrorist attack that I thought was interesting. What was it, then? Well, he said that... Do tell. After the terrorist attack that I thought was interesting. What was it then? Well, he said that after the last attack in Vegas,

there were millions of people yelling and screaming about gun control and how horrible it was and everything. And he felt that there was a relative lack of posts after this recent terrorist event because he feels that if the villain isn't the appropriate villain, in other words, if it's a white male with a gun, everybody's on it. I didn't say any of this, but you're spinning out the argument. I wrote two lines, but go ahead.

And because this one happened to fit the right-wing narrative, i.e. a Muslim person, and not a gun, that the gnome's friends on the left were dead silent. Just for a minute. I woke up in the morning, and I went to look at my wall,

or whatever you call it. That was longer than Nate's credentials. And I expected to see, like, and I said, like, literally a lot of people get their news from Facebook. I would not have known there was a terrorist attack. Twitter. That's the way I get most of my news from. So all I wrote, I wrote,

the lack of comments on the terrorist attack is stunning. No politically correct bad guys, I guess. Oh. That's all I wrote. So from that, Dan interpreted all that. Wait, was that not

exactly what I said? Yeah. That's asking for trouble. You made it sound like it was wordy. But obviously it's true, right? I mean, it's hard to, like Michael Che

answered me just now. He's like, well, what do you want to say, Down with ISIS? I'm like, no, usually, first of all, everybody expresses anger and remorse about these things. And then they start demanding and talking about how we can prevent this from happening again in the future. Yeah. I've never seen a tragedy where we just pretend it didn't happen.

If it's a brown person, I think people are more skeptical at jumping in and making blame. Well, you said that. I didn't say that. I'm saying that. No, I'm not. What about... Yeah, go ahead. It's not that it's a brown person.

It's that the two-word, I think, headline for everything left of center these days is Whitey sucks. Sure. Any issue that somehow comports with Whitey sucks, whether it's statues, down with Western civilization, guns, whatever it is. Not that it's always unfounded. Sometimes whitey does suck, right? Yeah, of course. But that is the unifying kind.

That's what you can get attention to. I'll say this about whitey. If it's something Muslim, and I'm not bashing Muslims, it's like they look away. We're just not interested in that. If you can't accept white people at their worst, you don't deserve them at their best. That's an old Marilyn Monroe attributed quote that I...

But then, interestingly, this is what was disturbing, out of the woodwork, like, some real anti-Muslim shit started getting posted on my thing. Exactly, that's why they're scared to post, because of that shit. And I'm like, no, I think you're missing my point. I'm not trying to bash Muslims here.

That's where it goes. We just point the finger immediately, we can't have a dialogue. But Noam, what about, you said that there was silence after this last attack. What about the French attacks in Nice, Charlie Hebdo, and the Bataclan, where everybody was posting,

on left and the right, everybody was posting, pray for France, this is horrible, and they had French flags. And that was a right-wing narrative attack because it was a Muslim and no guns. Yeah, actually, but there wasn't that much from France, but I'd have to go back and check. But I remember being a little disturbed about this

even back when it was France. Everybody had the French flags. Yeah, I remember that. I wrote a post at the time saying, I don't understand why people aren't reacting to this as if it happened in New York, because to me, France, Germany, New York, it's all the same thing.

Remember me saying that? I do remember you saying that. So I had the same feeling then. But I also remember a pretty big reaction. It wasn't silent. It was 150 people. Everyone's scared to be called racist. That's what it is.

Maybe because that attack was so large and spectacular, at least the Bataclan was. Charlie Hebdo was a little smaller. Maybe just the scope of it was so horrifying. Bataclan, just so I'm clear, that was... That was in a theater with guns. That was the... So I got into it with Nimesh Patel.

The Eagles of Death Metal. And Nimesh is like, well, you know, that's not really Islam. And I'm like, well. Is Nimesh Muslim or Hindu? He's Hindu. And I said, well, I don't know what's Islam or not. He says, no, they're not interpreting Islam the right way. I'm like, well, I don't know if that really matters.

I said, you know, the Muslims were upset about the crusades. And we can tell, well, no, actually, they weren't interpreting Christianity the right way, so, you know. Or a lot of Jews suffered anti-Semitism because they're accused of killing Christ, but they weren't interpreting Christianity the right way, so, you know, my bad. The Constitution

was misinterpreted prior to segregation being ended. So it's not an excuse. So we went back and forth, and I said, all I'm saying is that there are violent people organizing themselves around the world in the name of Islam.

Interpreting incorrectly or incorrectly, that's for them to work out. Yeah, people are still dying. Let's assume they're interpreting it incorrectly. They're organizing themselves in the name of Islam

and their target is me and mine. And I want to figure out how to protect myself from it, and I can't protect myself from it if I can't talk about that problem. That's it. No, no, no, no. I have tons of, you know, more

than anybody. No, but I have more Arabic friends than anybody I know. There's no agenda about Islam, but let's not pretend that the world isn't as the world is. That's all. You know, Nate, he came up here. He got thrown out of the quiet car.

I know Nate agrees. I mean, we work right for Forbes. So I want to understand. Go ahead. I want to hear his opinion. I mean, first of all, posting on Facebook. I mean, you're just asking for trouble. No, no, no.

Answer the question. What do you think about Islam? What? I love Islam. See? People are scared to talk. That's what I'm saying. You can't get anywhere. So, I hate all organized religion. I think it's all

fucking terrible. I think it's all the downfall. No, I'm hating downfall of society. Any religion, you've got right-wing radicals, right? Whether it's Islam, any religion, you can find that. Orthodox. Yeah, so I don't think it's specific to Islam. Not any religion has right-wing radicals who are trying to blow up buildings, but Well, but not today, but I mean if you go back through history. I don't think it's specific to Islam. Not any religion has right-wing radicals who are off trying to blow up buildings.

Well, but not today. But, I mean, if you go back through history. I don't give a... What happened in history can't hurt me. I live right near here. My children are going to be playing around here. I'm worried about this. They've got to stop saying that someone who's worried about this is a bigot.

Or someone who says, I'm worried about this, and I have no idea. You know what? Next time it could be Japanese immigrants. I mean, why not? Right. No, what? Next time it could be Japanese immigrants. I mean, why not? Right. No, it's probably not going to be Japanese immigrants. And I don't prefer Japanese. I'm saying let's just, we can't.

Yeah. So the Cato Institute came out with a study yesterday. Uh-huh. 75% of all Americans say they have views they can't say out loud. Of course. 75%. That's why comedy is so popular, I think. Yeah, because, yeah, people want to live through popular, I think. Yeah, because people want to live

through your opinions on stage. Yeah, some honesty for a second. Everything in the news is bullshit. Everything on the internet is bullshit. It's something real for a moment. And podcasting is huge because you can finally hear some shit. Oh, that's good stuff that I have to hide. And let me tell the listeners that Nate's mouth is saying no, but his eyes are saying yes.

I know he doesn't totally disagree with me. As far as views, I'm afraid to share, yeah, Bailey J. turns me on. You know, what can I say? Also, and I hate to think this, but I do, I also start to wonder if something like what happened yesterday, America's becoming so desensitized, this sort of thing,

this just is within the threshold of what we're willing to put up with forever. Is that it? Like a guy in a van killing eight people, okay, not so bad. A guy raining down bullets from a hotel balcony, taking out 60 people, maybe too much. If he had gotten out of the car and started shooting people in the street, that would have been back to guns.

That would have been back to guns. Absolutely. If it had been guns, it would have been something. If it had been a black neighborhood, it would have been something. Let's just be honest about this. Of course. It wasn't like there were a few not, of course, all my friends are liberals. There was not a single person.

It was as if it didn't happen. Right. It's weird. Eight people were shot and a school bus was mowed down. Nobody was shot. I mean, eight people were killed and a school bus was... He ran into a school bus. He ran into a school bus, and that's how it stopped. He ran into a school bus. In lower Manhattan.

And it's nothing. It's a blip. It's no one cares. This is just what you saw on Facebook, right, is what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. And Twitter. So, I mean, you live in New York. There's, I mean, a lot of liberals here.

I'm sure if you were on a different Facebook feed. I mean, it's curated, right? That's what he's saying. He's saying his liberal friends. But I'm saying that people are talking about it, just in your sort of sphere. No, but if it's another thing, it's all over the feed. You know, it's just shit like this.

I don't know. I'm just saying it should be very hard to get a van. You should have to... Background checks on a van. Yes. Crazy people shouldn't have vans. They can convert a large car into a van. They have a bumper van. But, I mean, I know it's a joke, but seriously, just across the board, I mean, like, a fucking vehicle is a goddamn weapon. It's a weapon.

Right. Unfortunately, unfortunately, we need vehicles. There's no, we can't outlaw vehicles. I'm not saying outlaw vehicles. Guns, on the other hand hand are meant to kill people. Maybe reasonable restrictions are necessary. We can probably do without guns unless the government becomes tyrannical and comes after us, which is really the reason for the Second Amendment.

But then I wonder, if the government became tyrannical and came after us, do you think they have something that a fucking 12-gauge could defeat? We don't have to beat the government. We just have to get to Canada. We just have to make their job hard enough. We didn't beat the British in the American Revolution. We just made them say, ah, fuck it. Right.

It's time to cross in the goddamn ocean. You just got to make it say, fuck it. You don't have to really beat them in the classical military sense. If Jews had guns in the Holocaust, they couldn't have beaten the Nazis. But they might have made the Nazis say, fuck it. For now, at least. And then we'll win the war

and then we'll deal with the Jews. The Jews should have just kept complaining. Or just get to Switzerland. You know, get to Switzerland. Beautiful over there. Anyway, so I do see how an armed population could be quite effective in my estimation. But don't you agree with the quiet thing? They don't speak up when it's a POC. Yeah, well, everybody, people on both sides have their favorite villains.

And I believe that after every tragedy, my belief is after every tragedy, if not everybody, 90% of people are hoping that it's either a white guy with a gun or a Muslim without a gun. I'm hoping white guy gets shot at this point just so I don't get yelled at. Well, I'm at the point where every new sexual molester, sexual harasser that comes out,

I'm hoping is not Jewish. Of course. Well, unfortunately, unfortunately, Jews are prominent in Hollywood. So if we're talking about Hollywood molesters, then we're going to get Jews. Now, if we're talking about molestation in the Catholic Church, we're all going to get a lot of Jews in that dragnet. What about the more interesting if you're starting to get some Jews in that?

I agree with you that there's certainly more than a few creepy Jews in Hollywood that have been accused of molestation. Thankfully, Kevin Spacey is a beautiful Gentile. Very talented. With good features. What about those Moyles, though? They're a little dicey. You and the Moyles. What's a Moyle?

They're the ones that do the circumcisions. Yeah, they suck the blood out. Very few do that. They're misinterpreting it. Those aren't Jews. That's the wrong interpretation of Judaism no one's defending or at least no one at this table

is defending that but we'll get to that at another podcast no and my point is I want to talk about Kevin Spacey and I don't even I don't even really need

to hear people railing against terrorism whatever it is just be honest people they just but they shouldn't they should just

stay out of it altogether. Like, I had no urge to write about, to show, people are always trying to show empathy on Facebook. It's just me, me, me.

That's all it is. Empathy is always bullshit. Everyone just wants to be the first to be right. No one wants to actually converse. No one wants to actually do the right thing.

Everyone just, the whole fucking thing is at war, man. Yeah. It's all fucked and it's all going to crumble real soon. Hopefully I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

I think people are genuinely happy to an extent when the narrative fits their political agenda. So that there's, you know, when they read the paper and discover it was a Muslim yesterday, there's got to be a certain amount of, I don't know what the word, not shade and fruit, but, you know, there's a certain amount of, I don't know what the word, not shade and fruit, but, you know, there's a certain amount of, ah, see, I told you so. And that's satisfying to people. Of course, you're right. I mean, just like I felt when I saw the fucking shooter in Vegas

with a white dude, with a gun. I mean, I wasn't like, yay! I was like, fuck that! But it was also like, okay, this fucking this just goes to show you that it's not, you can't attribute it all just to one type of human being. You can. A man.

Well, nothing. I'm sure it is. Well, that's true. There is one flaw in that argument that I hear that argument a lot, and I can't ever get past it, which is we spend, I think just in this country, like $100 billion or $50 dollars a year there to fight against radical on a worldwide basis it's hundreds of billions of dollars a year so i'd like it is like

comparing the common call to polio the common cold is more probably kills more people in brazil right now but we have a whole bureaucracy and system that inoculate against polio now so some of the way no polio is not as serious as a cold. No, polio is way more serious. What we're seeing in terms of terrorism is whatever sneaks through the cracks from a worldwide effort to keep it to a minimum. They infiltrate, they foil plots all the time. If you want to compare it to white mass shootings, you have to do the thought experiment. How much terrorism would be,

how much terrorism would there be if we didn't spend any money against terrorism? No TSA, no surveillance, no nothing. Then let's compare the numbers and then we can see which threat is more serious. This is the problem? You follow me. I do, but why compare?

We attack them all. I mean, like, yes. No, no, absolutely. We should attack them all. With this, like, yes. No, no, absolutely. We should attack them all. And with this dude's case, whatever his case is, because there's some shady shit about a guy who just opens fires with a goddamn armada of weapons and then puts a bullet through his head alone. There's some fucking, I don't know what's going on behind the doors there, but there's something. But it's still an issue. It's still a mental illness.

People should not have access to weapons as fucking easily as they do. Absolutely. I think we can tackle that while also tackling. I totally agree with you, of course. But I think a lot of people, no, I see what you're saying, though. A lot of people want to be like, no, well, then if you're focusing on that, what about this? It's like, why do we have to choose a side on everything? Why can't the side just be right or wrong?

Why can't you cherry pick? It's how you get good shit. Yeah, I agree. Why can't you look at what needs to be done in each individual thing and do those things? It's because there's stigmas with certain things. Well, there's going to be stigmas. Let's fucking deal with them. I know, but we can't get over them.

Guys, let's all say our favorite racial slur on the count of three. There is another problem. Well, let's all say our favorite racial slur on the count of three. There is another problem. They're varying together. It used to be, until very recently, that one big difference was that these mass shooters, there was really no way to catch them because they're not organized. Nobody knows about them. The only time they would catch them is if their girlfriend or their mother would turn them in. Right.

And terrorism used to almost always be organized so there was a way through surveillance. But we're getting to the point now where the terrorist now is radicalized alone

on his computer and he can be just as impossible to stop as the occasional mass shooter and that's very scary. You know ISIS has a magazine too, right?

Do they? Yeah, ISIS has a magazine. Is it like Forbes or no? I mean, in their world, yeah. Are they looking for content? I'm serious. They put out a stand-up comedy. They can't get guns.

Don't over plan. Just do it. Just do it. Double down on your personality. Yeah, that could be interesting news. Expect an exponential ratio. Be vulnerable. It took that guy way longer to kill.

Oh, Jay just tries. I bombed last week. I almost lost my head. But, I mean, if they can't get guns, they'll use cars. And if we start restricting cars, they'll go to something else. I mean. Sure, look at Tim McVay. Yeah.

Blew up a building. Two, right? Maybe two No no I'm not familiar With his skits But yeah Who knows what the answer is I just

You know I'm sure We're all worried About terrorism right? Of course Well TSA they say Is all bullshit It's just a way

To make you feel better They don't actually Like detect metal Or anything like that When you go through them? Well I just Want to pat you down. Yeah, it's all silly. What pisses me off about TSA

is how they act, different airports act like there's a unified, like sometimes you don't have to take a fucking, like I have a CPAP because I snore like an asshole and I would die without it, but sometimes they want it out, sometimes they don't, and what I fucking hate is when they act

like I'm the asshole. Like, no, you always take it out. I'm like, do you? Do you? Because I could give you a list of fucking airports I frequent that have never made me take it out. And overseas, sometimes the rules are even... Well, other countries don't necessarily make you take your shoes off. Yeah, yeah. Do you ask if you're over 80, you don't have to take off your shoes?

What's that rule? 75. I think that would be the easiest age to get a suicide bomber would be 75. You're on your way out. That's true. It's a pacemaker. But I just want to say the news, I think, is really bad because they just go with what's sexy. Like you were talking about this group.

You can't say that. People of color. Sell ads. Yeah. And it's kind of like if a white guy gets shot, they don't really put it out there. If a black kid gets shot, it's very exciting by the cops. It's almost like swimming pools kill more people than guns every year. But nobody's worried about swimming pools.

People just put them in their backyard. Or cows kill more people than sharks. But a shark is sexy. A cow kills more people than sharks? Yeah. Really? Yeah. But it's not sexy.

Well, what, because the red meat clogs up more arteries? No, they just ram you while you're up there. I think that much of empathy is like a way... is a Trojan horse for hate and resentment. So that... Of course, we have empathy

I guess we have empathy for someone shot by the cops. Yes. But it's really about voicing hatred of the cops. Because if it was just about empathy, we would see more empathy for the, as Trump said, I hate to say it, the carnage of these young kids being shot in Chicago. Of course. And nobody really speaks for them. Again.

Nobody seems to care about them. They're being killed by the thousands. There's 17, I think 17 black people have been killed by the cops in a year. Right, right. Yeah, it's crazy. In a sense, going with your heart and what's visceral in terms of expressing empathy, you need to stop and think

because sometimes a rational look at things will steer you towards what you should really be feeling empathy towards rather than just what you feel. That's also the cops, too, because I don't know if you know that. I'm not a cop hater, but I also don't like... The cop exam is one of the few exams you can test out of. Did you know that?

What does that mean? You can score too high. You can be too intelligent to be a fucking cop. That right there is a problem. Well, I saw that in that movie where they were like, was it DiCaprio? Departed. He's going too high, and they say, you're a scientist. You're an astronaut, kid.

You're not a fucking cop. You're not a fucking statey. Something like that. But, yeah, no, it's true. Look it up. They don't want cops who are too smart. How smart? They want you at a I will serve the fucking, I will take the command level.

Like a wife. That's like a soldier. You've got to go and battle. Nothing, Mark, nothing. You're not married. Oh, so I'm not married. I love women. Is that stated policy that you'll find somewhere in a book?

Or is that just... It's a joke. No, no, you can look that up. You can look that up online. Is there an upper limit? They say if you score any, but they go over a 90, whatever the thing is. I can't remember the numbers, but yeah, they don't want the police force to be two because then that leads to too much like thought.

Second guess. Breaking away. Second guess. Not just following orders, which I just don't agree with that. You're giving these people weapons. Please do. I will check because it does sound a little fishy. I mean, sometimes if you're too smart, they might say, why do you want this job?

It's a little fishy. Why do you want to be a cop when you could go to med school or something else? But that's the problem. It's like because I want to fucking help people and I'm a smart person. They should be able to do that. They should be, but you have to ask the question why. It's very unusual for somebody with a 140 IQ, say, for example, to want to be a cop. It would be almost unheard of.

You'd have to question why they would want to be a cop. Not one. Obviously, yeah, but someone who's, I don't know, if there's a guy who's on. Even somebody at Nome's level, you'd have to question. I don't know. But I think sometimes there are those people out there who want to put their intelligence level to good use. And they don't care about making money. They don't care about tactics.

They care about, hey, I'm fucking smart and I can make a change. There might be some people out there, but you'd have to be obviously skeptical. And you'd at least want to ask them, hey, dude. Columbo was a genius. Because a lot of cops you have now don't want to protect or serve. They just want the gun. They just want the gun. They just want the authority. They're people who were picked on, bullied, never.

My cousin vets. My cousin works for the NOPD. She vets police applications. It's a new position. Most police, they just fucking created this to vet applications. And she says 90% of the police applications she gets at the NOPD, she turns down. She says no. And the NOPD is sort of a bad reputation.

Horribly corrupt. We need to, as a society, come to terms with something that is really common sense. That whatever you're afraid of, that profession will attract us. So if you are a sadist, you will look to become a cop.

If you are attracted to young children, you will look to become a kindergarten teacher. So I believe that whatever the population of people who are attracted to young children, whatever the percentage of the population is, it's double that in schools. What does that say about us? What? Is that right? I believe that. Whatever the number of sadists there are in the population,

it's double that among cops. It's just human nature. If you have that urge inside of you, and it's forbidden, what do I want to do for a living? Of course you're going to want to get... Listen, I wanted to get laid. I wanted to play music. That was my profession that I chose.

That's not an option for a pedophile. Playing music is not going to get... If you're a pedophile, you want to have access to children. You play children's songs. Well, you could. Ralphie. Birthday parties. You become...

I mean, does it make sense to you? You become a kindergarten teacher. That's why I only want female kindergarten teachers. Well, I think a female kindergarten teacher... I think certain jobs, you'd be suspicious if a man wanted to do it. That brings us... Nicely segs us into... Big Spacey.

Mr. Kevin Spacey. K-Pax. Oh, I like that movie. I like that movie. The other one. Wait, was that the movie? There was a movie. He was an alien.

He ate the produce. He ate the banana without peeling it. Yep. Well, he did that with the kid, too. Boom. All right. That didn't make any sense. Well, you know, it got me wondering.

People say, well, we knew Kevin Spacey was gay. I knew. Well, I knew that everybody said he was gay. I didn't know that he was gay, well, we knew Kevin Spacey was gay. I knew. Well, I knew that everybody said he was gay. I didn't know that he was gay. I just knew that everybody said he's gay. He went to the Oscars with his mom. What's gayer than that? I didn't know that.

What a homo. But it just makes me wonder whether Travolta and Cruise are gay. Well, why do you keep throwing Cruise in? Because everybody's been saying he's gay for 50, 40 years. Oh, okay. That's the big rumor. I don't know if Cruise is gay. I Because everybody's been saying he's gay for 50, 40 years. Oh, okay. That's the big rumor. I don't know if Cruz is gay. I only know that everybody says he's gay.

His ex went to a black guy, which is a real tell. Is that a tell? Oh, yeah. She needs a real pounding. I just assume everyone's bisexual and don't give a shit. That's an easy out. What's the point? What does it matter?

He said he was bisexual, I think, earlier on. That's a transition into gay. And then he said, now I'm just a gay man. Right. It doesn't matter. It's gossip. But we like gossip. I love it.

What struck me about Spacey is his non-denial. You know, he said, yeah, well, you know, yeah, try to sexually assault a 14-year-old. Yeah, could have happened. That's interesting. He could have denied it. He said it. Well, he... I think it's safer just to say you don't remember because then there's nothing to fight about anymore.

Well, that's what he did. If you say I don't remember, you're saying it happened. But that's what he did. He said it was 30 years ago. He still got fired, though. The fact is, if you try to fuck a 14 year old, 14. 14 year old, and you're in your late 20s, I believe, at the time. Yeah, he said 26.

The correct answer is not, well, I don't recall. I guess you're right. Are you kidding me? I won't dignify that. I won't even dignify it. So clearly, if he didn't do it, if he didn't try to fuck Anthony Rapp at 14, he'd try to fuck somebody at 14. Sure.

Because the fact that he could say, well, maybe, means that this was kind of the thing that he was doing. I guess so. I'm just saying it's not a clear cut. If you told me that something 30 years ago, you know, you didn't have sex with a, you know, a billy goat or Pete Davidson, I'd say, yes, it was 30 years ago, but no. No. Of course. Well, that guy Milo, he got in trouble because he said essentially that in the gay community it's very common for young boys,

post-pubescent, not pedophilia, but to hook up with older gay guys. And he got blasted from that. Right to the face. But I think there is something to that because I've heard a lot of stories like that from gay friends of mine that have stories like that. Well, I think in the heterosexual community you probably have a lot of underage girls as well. Charlie Chaplin. You know, David Bowie, God bless him, and we love him. Jerry Lee Lewis.

Speaking of huge dicks, David Bowie apparently had a huge thing. I can see it. You've got to have a big dick to be like that, you know? Apparently, there was a group of, I forgot what they called them. It was like a nickname, like the schoolgirl groupies or something like that. But there was a group of, I forgot what they called them, it was like a nickname, like the schoolgirl groupies or something like that. But they were underage groupies that apparently, according to rumors. Zeppelin as well.

They would just have them file in the room. Come on in. A hotel room. Now we give Bowie a pass because we love Bowie. Talent goes a long way. Woody Allen, Michael Jackson. You kind of go, yeah, go nuts. Gary Glitter. You just throw him right under the bus. Who? Gary Glitter. I don't know.

He had like one hit. And it wasn't even that good. You got to churn them out. You know, but it's like Chris Rock had a joke about Michael Jackson. He said, we love Mike so much, we let the first one slide. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. And Noah made the point, so also on Facebook.

Noah's been very busy on Facebook today. Very busy indeed. He made the point that people are hypocritical because they don't condemn Polanski, but they condemn Weinstein. Well, he left the country. They gave him a standing ovation. Whatever. There's no rhyme or reason to it.

The ultimate case is Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton's record is at least as bad as Mark Halperin's. Much worse, actually. Sure, but he's so damn likable. But they're not going to go after Bill Clinton. Well, human nature dictates that we give people we like a pass. Yes. I mean, I have many friends that are sketchy as fuck, but they're my boys.

You know? So what are you going to do? I hear you. And Bowie gave us fucking Major Tom. You got it. Ground control. Ground control. Major Tom. I like that. That control. Ground control. Major Tom.

I like that. That's the one that you went to. Yeah, Major Tom. I was like, that's the one. Why is that? Is that telling in any way? No, no, no. Young Americans is better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And speaking of Young Americans, that was in his hotel room with Young Americans. There you go. Ziggy Stardust, baby. I mean, but what was Bowie's... I'm not familiar with his... I wasn't aware of that either. The allegations? Yeah. That he had sex with underage women?

They were groupies. You should say alleged. Can we get legal trouble? Alleged. Alleged. What about R. Kelly? You know, he's out walking the streets. But then there's also like, you know, I want another context. I don't know if the gay thing is what I was getting at with all that, you know, because no one said that maybe in the gay community, the young boys, smooth young boys, oh boy. No, I'm going to tell you, you know, I'm just going to say, you know, I'm like Mark Norman

except that I shouldn't be told because, you know, I own a business. But I always think to myself, well, when I was 15 years old, if like a 22 or 23-year-old woman wanted to sleep with me, I'd be like, what the fuck? Who the fuck would say no to that? That's right. So then I imagine, well, then in a gay analogy to that, like a 15-year-old boy and a 23-year-old man, I'm not sure. I hear you. I understand that we can't say it's legal, but I don't know how to judge it. I don't know how to judge it in real life in terms of the actual psychology

of the two people there at the time. There's also a point where someone has to just fucking accept the consequences of their actions. And if you're a 15 year old in this situation, if you're a 15 year old, 14 year old, what? I'm talking about your hypothetical situation. I'm not talking about Spacey. I'm talking about

just like... I lost my virginity to a 45 year old when I was 16 Okay, good. Yeah, there you go, and it was great, and I felt a little weird about it And I was like I had a weird hasn't even happened, but it's a long story, but a lunch lady She was a prostitute. I think but she didn't charge me Yeah, I had sex once with a prostitute That was I was not trying to, it was comped. So you're not the only badass. You're not the only badass. So anyway, so I'm not saying it should be illegal.

Society has to, I have children. Society has to protect ourselves from that sort of thing. Well, men are different. You know, it's like when a teacher fucks a student. These like 25-year-old, 30-year-old teachers fucks a 14-year-old student. I don't think she should be that harshly punished because the boy was into it, probably. He might have been coaxed a little bit,

but, you know, it's like Zach Galifianakis' old joke. Yeah, that kid died from high-fiving. You know what I mean? He's the cock of the walk. He's the coolest kid in school. But legally, how do you craft a law that accounts for that? It's just very tricky. And here's the other part that complicates it.

The age of consent in Puerto Rico, as Donald Trump calls it, is 14. Oh, I believe it. So in an American territory, the age of consent can be 14. But in another territory, not only is it below again, below the age of consent, but you're

supposed to be outraged that no civilized human being would ever do such a thing. Yeah. Well, then why do we turn away to all... The PRs are very passionate. Yeah. I'm saying, you know, if you really look at it and you look for consistency in the world... That's a good point. That's a great point.

It's hard to find it. That's my only... You know, I don't know. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. And isn't it different in Europe and whatnot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I thought it was a thing, too,

if the age of consent was higher in, like, Mississippi than it is in New York State. And Jersey is very low. Isn't it state by state? Isn't it, like, Mississippi 17 and Jersey? I don't know if there's a federal law. But you don't want to be the guy who knows all the ages in every state. Not bad.

At this point, yes, you do. You know, you know. I have that. At this point, yes, you do. You know, you'll miss me in New York. At this point, yes, you do. Because there's also a point of, like, if you're Kevin Spacey at 26, just don't fucking. He was drunk. It was a party. I don't know. But when you know, you know the kid's 14.

Well, let me ask you this. Just get out. You're right. You're right. What if it was a lesbian on lesbian or girl on girl situation? Would it be as harshly punished? It depends on who the... That's a case by case.

If it was like a 26-year-old and Ellen. Who's the hottest chick you can think of? A 26-year-old. Angelina. J-Law. A 26-year-old J-Law. J-Law. No, J-Law.

Oh, Lawrence. J-Law. Oh, Lawrence. And say a 14-year-old, whoever it was, would people be outraged at J-Law's behavior? That's what I'm saying. To the extent that they are outraged at Kevin Spade. It depends. They would go through the motions.

If J-Law came out and said, again, this was not something I wanted, then yeah, probably so, I think. No, no, J-Law's the molester in my scenario. Oh, who was the young one? Dakota Banning. I hadn so, I think. No, no, J-Law's the molester in my scenario. Oh, who was the young one? Dakota Fanning. I hadn't specified. If the young thing was like J-Law. Well, I think Dakota Fanning is J-Law's age, but we could make it so that it's Dakota Fanning, you know, when she was 14, and J-Law

at 26. I think the male strength has something to do with this patriarchy. There's something to do with that in there, I think. But what if Anthony Rapp came forward and was like, yeah, I boned Kevin Spacey when I was 14. I was into it. Yeah, that's another thing.

That's a good hypothetical. What if he did? I think it just depends on the person throwing the accusations around. What would we say? I would be fucking like, hey, do your thing, dude. That's what I would say. I agree. You made it a choice.

You were 14, but you're old enough to do it. But that can't be the standard because at the moment that Kevin Spacey goes in for the kiss, that's when he's committed whatever it is we have to judge. We don't know how the other guy's going to react. I mean, that's delicate. What if he just puts his hand on the knee first? Yeah. And they got their hand like you do with a woman.

You don't just kiss a woman, do you, you animal? No, I do. You put your hand on his shoulder. You say, hey, I really I mean, I don't do this all the time, but I really feel a connection. And, you know, I saw you on stage and I

you didn't mean why you weren't even paying attention. But you say, I saw you on stage and I just so talented. You know. Yeah, absolutely. A little mesmerizing. And then she kind of giggles. Then, you know, you can safely kiss her.

Sure. Well, I said before that so much of the problem that these guys get themselves into, all of them, is just that they don't know how to be a mensch. Like, you know, like, just don't be a creep. Take it slow. Be a human being. But I actually also believe that some people are not capable of that. Some people don't pick up on other people's emotions well.

Some people don't read other people well. Some people read it very easily. It's a weird thing. I don't think Weinstein could have gotten Gwyneth Paltrow even if he played it well. Don't be so sure, Dan. I can't believe that. You never know. People like Weinstein, they're just sick in the head.

They know better and they just can't help themselves. He's a bully. You also just have to make a choice as an adult to fucking avoid children. To just avoid... When I was 30, I was in Austin doing shows and I had a one-night hookup and the next day the girl told me she was 19, and it fucking terrified me.

Oh, that's fine. But still, I thought she was like 25, 26. So I, since then, have made an active choice. If a girl ever came up to me after a show, and I look at her and immediately sense any inkling of she's too young, I'm just like, stay away from it. I'm an adult, and I know what I'm into. That sounds weird. I know. I'm from it. I'm an adult and I know what I'm into. That sounds weird. I know. I'm sorry. But I'm an adult. I know I can make these choices. I don't know you

and I want to be sure of who you... Aren't you glad you found out after? It was pretty hot lay, huh? But it's a thing of like, I just feel like you're saying sick in the head. Some of these people, there's a predatory thing of they want to go for children.

Yeah, they're weirdos. I think what you're saying in another way is that some of the people that do certain things, we regard the attraction itself as sick. But you're saying something different. You're saying sometimes the attraction is not sick. Sometimes she can be a fully developed woman at 15. You just need to know to steer clear of that. Stay away from it. And to be proactive about finding out how old she is.

Yes, absolutely. Yeah, but you couldn't tell. You had no idea. I couldn't tell in that situation. But I mean, luckily it wasn't a fucking turn out to be a bad one. But I mean, look, we're all human beings at this table. We've all seen the fully developed 16-year-old. Sure.

All of us. I mean, my daughter. And we've all seen the fully developed 16-year-old. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sure. All of us. I mean, my daughter. And we've all, hopefully, made the same decision of like, I'm not even going to look again. Alright, let me ask you this. I'm going to just avoid. What if you're hooking up with a girl and you go, whoa, whoa, how old are you? And she goes, 21. You go, alright, alright. And then later she says, I'm actually 14. If I was, at this point in my life, if I was hooking up with a girl

and said she was 21, I would stop hooking up with her. 21? Yeah, I would. Oh, come on. To me, that's like, I don't, that's. I also, I might be the one person at this table. Like, I'm more on the asexual fucking, it doesn't mean that much to me anymore. I just don't care. Voluntarily tell you her age afterwards, or did you ask her?

She brought it up the next morning. Because she said she had to get to class. And I was like, class? Now she's in college. But it was like, oh, you're still in school? And she was like, I'm a freshman. And I was like, holy, please tell me college freshman. You were hoping it was a comedy class.

Well, I wouldn't beat yourself up about 19. Oh, I mean, I don't now. But at the time, it put a fucking, I'm 30. I'm over a decade older than that person. I don't like the way that, I don't know. Noam's over a decade older than his dad. If she didn't, if she didn't. No, I mean, my girlfriend now, I have a four-year girlfriend.

She's 11 years younger than me now, and so she's in, you know, late 20s. But, like. Well, plus that 19-year-old now is probably, like, 45. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But that's the thing. Like, it's just, I feel like we don't put enough emphasis on, like, obtain the knowledge. Know what you're getting into. It's just hard in the moment to be like, so, give me that data B.

That's the thing. I disagree. I feel like in the moment, like, just think. Just, like, if it seems shady, pull yourself out of it. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know. I'm just saying it doesn't always seem shady. Exactly.

That happens as well. There's some times where it seems total sun. And you imagine in Hollywood, there's parties and drugs and liquor and music going on. And it's like, who knows what the hell they do. Look, I... You think I'm music? I've lived a pretty wholesome life, actually. But the older I get, the less inclined I am to judge other people too harshly.

I hear you. I hear you. That's their moral lapse, but maybe I have my own. Like, everybody, you know. I will throw this out. I have a theory that the people who judge the harshest and come down to the harshest are the most fucked up people. They're the angriest. They're the scariest.

They got their own issues. Often that's the case, right? Yeah. The people who jump on the like, oh my God, you fucking male pigs. It's like, oh, it's because

you're a warthog, aren't you? Exactly. That's because you're a fucking monster. Well, Harvey Weinstein was his bleeding heart, liberal, blah, blah, blah. Was he?

Oh, yeah. He tried to deflect by saying, I'm going to turn my anger into gun control. Remember? Yeah, yeah, right. Who advised him to say that? I mean saying, I'm going to turn my anger into gun control. Remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Who advised him to say that?

I mean, it's like the guy who hates gays and rails against gays is actually gay. I mean, it happens all the time. All the time. The person who calls you out when you're like, hey, the black guy over there. Like, that's racist. It's like, what have you done? Exactly. How many crosses have you lit on fire in your past?

Why are you so quick to call someone racist for pointing out a race? If you can be that way with gay, you can be that way with progressive. You're super progressive, you've actually got some fucked up thoughts. I agree with all that. Anything else? Yeah, sorry. So anyway, did you cover all this? In that five minutes?

I was DC this time of year. It's alright. Is it tense down there? Honestly, you don't really notice much that's going on down there anymore. You kind of just ignore it at this point. Yeah, I know you're thinking. Every three days. I know you're thinking. I came all the way from D.C. I didn't get enough air time.

Don't worry, we're going to make it up to you. We have a complimentary dinner for you. With all the fixings. This side of the menu. Get the borscht. But not the steak.

You got to pay half price. You can have whatever you want. You have whatever you want and drinks. That was worth the trip. And if you have a girl in town, you want to invite her over, she can get comp too.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Boom. I think. But no one has to verify that. But you have to ask her age first. Okay. Always does that to me.

I don't care. Whatever you want. Are you upset you didn't get enough air time? No, this is great. Thanks for having me. You held your own. I'm a big fan of Forbes magazine. You'll get in there one day. I would like to. Richest comedy club owners on McDougal?

Boom. McDougal and Westworth at the same time? If they did such a list of richest comedy club owners, no one would probably be on it. You think? Yeah, I would imagine so. I don't know. I can't imagine there's a more lucrative comedy club

than the Comedy Cellar. There could be, but it doesn't. What about the store? The store is pretty fucking lucrative, yeah. Yeah, they're doing great. They'd be both on the list. But now you've got the Underground, you've got the Fat Blood.

I mean, you guys are raking in. There's the Vegas room coming in. There's nothing pleasant about people thinking you have money. No, you're an evil person. I know, like, Trump, one of the things that always turns me off about the guys, they seem to love to say, I'm rich, I'm rich. Like, it's so vulgar, you know? You are a humble man, in my experience. And you dress like a peasant.

Thank you. God forbid anybody think no. When I met you in Montreal, I think we talked for an hour before you even mentioned that you own this place. You were very just like, I like what you did.

Let's talk comedy. Are you having a good time? You were very personable and then Steve wouldn't shut the fuck up about being involved Steve he likes young girls but you're definitely the most normal

down to earth comedy club most comedy club owners are nut jobs one of the reasons is it was never Noam's intention to be a comedy club owner

he wanted to be well first he went to law school thought he would be a lawyer and he's also an artist he's a wonderful musician. Well, he tells me that, but I can't judge music because I'm not a musician. Other people tell you that, too.

He seems very good. I know you've asked. He seems to hit the right notes when I listen to him. All right. Certainly seems good. Seems like he can play anything, you know, when you ask him to play. And, you know, the comedy club, he was the owner of the Cafe Wah. And then he took over the comedy club, you know, when his father passed.

And without any prior experience, it tripled, I would say, the business. I agree. Just without breaking a sweat. And Lord knows he don't break a sweat. No, I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I've never seen him lift a finger. A lot of that was probably just luck. Well, yeah. Not all it. I've never seen it. I've never seen him lift a finger. A lot of that was probably just luck.

Well, not all of it. I could definitely make a case that things that weren't luck, but some of it was, I mean, You got a big hand, you're playing it well. Who knew that things would take off like they have in comedy in general? I mean, you have comedians selling out Madison Square Garden.

That's unheard of. That wasn't the case 15 years ago, and I think that's an indicator of. That wasn't the case 15 years ago. And I think that's an indicator of the bigger... And what'd you say? And bad ones too. Did you open for A&B in Madison Square Garden? Twice. Okay, so ladies and gentlemen, we need to wrap it up. We did.

We didn't get to a couple things. Gilbert Godfrey has a movie that I saw the other night. I thought it was very good. Looks great. You can see it at the IFC Theater, and the theater is near you if you live in a major city. Can we plug shows? Absolutely.

They're going to go around the table, Mark. When's this come out? Tomorrow. It'll be on Thursday, but it'll be available as a podcast also. All right. Well, hey, I'm in Sacramento. I'm in San Francisco. I'm in Providence, Edmonton.

Come out and see me. MarkNormanComedy.com is the website. Listen to my podcast, Tuesdays with Stories, on iTunes. Praise Allah. Jesus Christ. He's fearless. Isn't it Allah Akbar?

I read Allah Akbar. I don't know if it's true. It does not actually mean praise Allah. It means Allah is greater. Yeah, God is greater. No, not God is greater. Allah is greater.

That is to say, greater than your God. That's what I heard. I don't know if it's true. I heard that. Can I say one more thing about this? Just so you know, because I speak to a lot of, you know, I like to say Muslims because like Indonesia's Muslims, I don't know that branch of Islam.

I speak to a lot of Arab Muslims. And to a man, they're all much more concerned and much more ready to talk about this as a real problem than the typical white liberal that you meet who's only trying to prove that they're not bigoted. Because tens of thousands of Muslims are killed every year by radical Islamic terrorists. Tens of thousands. And they're worried about their children being radicalized. I mean, they're worried about it. So it's interesting that the kind of stuff that we're talking about, it's really people have no idea about the issue.

They get all offended. I've yet to hear, and you've been there, and I've had on my other podcast, I've yet to hear any Muslim be offended by a frank discussion about what are we going to do about this. They totally get it. They don't take you as being hateful of Arabs or something. That's the same white guy thing where they go, I'm offended. I'm offended on behalf of them. Well, let them talk, you condescending prick.

Let them get their word in. White guilt, white guy, it's a power. If we could only weaponize or use it for energy. Yes. If we could turn white guilt into a renewable energy. Well, that's how Prius runs. Exactly. The Prius C, actually. The C stands for

cunt. Oh, God, that word! And then that's how it runs. Right. Go ahead, Sean. My website is me, seanpatton.com. I do not know who the... There's a website called imseanpatton.com. That is not me.

I fucking reached out to the guy to take it down. It's someone giving stand-up comedy advice. I don't know who you are. Fucking stop it. Wow. Change the name of this shit. I don't know who you are. Your name's not Sean Patton.

Is his name not... I mean, if his name is Sean Patton... He gives no indication that he's a comedian or his name's even Sean Patton. I don't know who the fuck he is. Did he take your name or is that... I don't know. I don't know. He won't respond to any of my... I don Patton. I don't know who the fuck he is. No, did he take your name or is that coincidence? I don't know. I don't know. He won't respond to any of my...

I don't know. I don't know who they are. But my site is meSeanPatton.com and the show... New York Comedy Fest, November 12th. Unfortunately,

I have to plug it at a different venue. It's okay. Union Hall, doing an hour show that I just did in Edinburgh. Come to that. It's next week.

And it's going to be great. We'll cut it out anyway. Go ahead. If anyone needs apps, websites, creativesciencelabs.com. Creativesciencelabs.com. Have you got any important apps we might have seen or used? Grindr. We did Grindr.

Tinder. All the dating apps. No. All right. Yeah. Sorry, guys. I'm just doing private shows that you can't come to,

but I once again made this offer before. What's the latest? Two million dollars. You buy my whole act. I'll throw in a set of steak knives. All right.

Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.