The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Social Distance

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

Dov Davidoff

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the podcast of the comedy cellar on RUHDUG 99XM and on Rivecast Podcast Network. This is a special Corona edition. We're all doing this from home. This is Dan Natterman, of course. Our longtime listeners recognize my nasal tones. We're doing this, all of us, via Zoom, from our homes, in lockdown, in New York City. I'm here. Perrielle is here in her home. I'm not sure where that would be, but somewhere in New York City. Perrielle, where's your home?

I'm in downtown New York City. Yeah. Dove Davidoff is here, longtime regular guest and comedy-seller-comedian from his home out in the swamps of New Jersey. Welcome, Dove,

all the way from the darkest corner of New Jersey. It's hardly the darkest corner. I'm in a private park right now. It's corona-free where I'm at. So pristine, so sweet. It's like being in a natural spring. You city dwellers are rat-like people, and I only talk to you online. He had to, we're recording relatively late. This is 1040 right now at night. Noam had to, I guess, homeschool the kids. Yeah, we're all homeschooling our kids.

Well, what the hell is Noam homeschooling these kids? They're going to go to school talking about the Mueller report all day. And it's about Chinese kids not getting into Harvard. Yeah. Is every parent homeschooling their kid? I mean, define homeschooling. Well, are every parent homeschooling their kid? Perrie, you're a parent. define homeschooling. Well,

do you, are you officially homeschooling? Your kid is home from school, right, Perrie? This is as far as we got today. Pretty good. But are you officially

homeschooling the kid or is it just kind of He was supposed to fill out this worksheet and he wound up writing, I'm super mad. And if you can see how that's not everybody's going to have the video, Perry. I think we're just you know, everybody's going to have the video for the serious broadcast. Oh, right. Well, anyway, the point is, is that he's going to be illiterate if this continues much longer.

And it is going to continue. What what is the mandate from the Board of Ed? I mean, there is no mandate from the Board of Ed. I mean, there's nothing... I mean, what can they possibly mandate? I'm saying they could maybe mandate that every parent has to follow some sort of curriculum. I don't know. It would be hard. There's supposed to be some video conferential.

There is, but I think, you know, everybody's pulling this out of their ass. Yeah. Are the kids going to have to go to school in the summer? This might go through the summer. School's probably not going to reopen, like, for the entire academic year. Yeah, that's right. Initially, it was April 20, and it's not going to happen, most likely.

Is your kid, I'm not a parent, as you know. Dove is a parent, but his kid is below school. You'll never have a kid. Not likely, no. That's not true. I'm not proud of that. That's not true either. He's not want, we're all proud of it.

There's no judgment associated with it. It's not for him. It's not what he wants. He likes other people's kids and that's good. He's a good uncle. He's not going to procreate. It's not for him. He has nephews and nieces. The

Natterman name is so strong. Well, the Natterman name is gone because I have two sisters. So the Natterman name is The genetics are so sweet, so strong. And my one uncle, my father's brother, had a daughter so that Natterman name is finished. The Natterman name, but the genetic.

Not the Natterman spirit. The name is not gone, but the spirit and the hypochondria will live on. Hypochondriacal nature, the Yiddish cups running around. Nephews and nieces, the bankers of tomorrow. The Natterman genes are alive and well. So sweet. Perry Udall, is your kid excited about this? I would imagine if I were a kid, this is like an extra summer vacation.

I mean, he's not unhappy, you know? He's not. But, you know, it's kind of heartbreaking, too. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what's the heartbreaking part? You know. He won't learn stuff.

He'll forget it. No, no, no. Like, they should be having fun in school with their friends or playing in the park. You know, they can't do any of that. Well, they can still go to, you can still go do a limited play date. No. First of all, the rules in New York right now are we can go outside. A thousand percent no to any social contact.

You can be within six feet of each other. But they're in law. That's by your prudence as a mother has decided that. No, this is by all standard medical advice. Yeah, but I'm saying legally. Yes. Then go to the park or to a friend's house. Legally, yes.

But legally. Do I hear noam? I thought I heard a noam house. Legally, yes. Legally. Do you want to know him? I thought I heard a know him beep. No. I mean, it's psychotic to even consider having a play date right now. Well, I'm not a virologist

or an immunologist or an epidemiologist or a numismologist. I mean, I don't know what Dan's going to do on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. I mean, somebody coming to the house for a light to medium play date. I hear he traded two rolls of Scott tissue for the for the for the for the empathetic touch of a young lady down the hall. No, that's certainly not the case. I do have 36 rolls of toilet paper that I bought at the bodega last night.

So sweet. So I'm in good shape as far as that's concerned. Did you order that online then? Because I looked online and I didn't see anything in the next week and a half delivery. Did you order that online? No, I got it at the bodega next door. I went outside into the hot zone. So sweet. Did you take a walk today, Dan?

I did not take a walk. No. Didn't I tell you to take a walk? You told me to take a walk. I'll take a walk tomorrow. Nah, you're crazy. You don't take a walk. You gotta take a walk. I was thinking about trying to rent a house outside the city and was told that we really shouldn't go anywhere for 14 days. Yeah. Who said that?

My doctor. That is the respect for the medical community. Did he ask for a second opinion? And did he say you're ugly too? First of all, it's a she. And second of all, she's a respect for the medical community. Did he ask for a second opinion? And did he say you're ugly too? First of all, it's a she. And second of all, she's a lesbian. So I think that both of those things are a no. Well, she's a lesbian.

She doesn't mean she finds you attractive. Well, I would, I would, if I had to put my money on whether she thinks I'm ugly or attractive, I would bet the latter. I would too, because I think you are attractive, but I was trying to make a joke. I know. I would like to talk about the impact this is having on comedy, since Noam's not here and we don't have to discuss necessarily political stuff.

Yes, comedy, yes. Comedy. We as comedians are amongst those who are the most financially affected by this. We can't do our art form without people gathering. Right. Well, among others in the service business and in bars and restaurants and nightclubs and anything else that involves a gathering. But certainly comedians are a small part of that demographic.

Right. But we're also psychologically... Ill-equipped to be... Ill-equipped to handle these sorts of perturbations, shall we say, in our daily life. So I think that we are uniquely affected by this. But, Dov, what has happened in terms of your work? I assume you've had many cancellations.

20K in the next, between this month and next, I lose $20,000. And then we'll see how it stretches out from there. I mean, as a landlord, people are going to stop paying their rent. But Dov is also a landlord. We should specify that because not everybody is aware. Regardless of me, it's not about me as much as it is about anybody paying rent or a mortgage nobody will be foreclosed on or or or evicted in the context of the next several uh months because they would have a zombie apocalypse in the streets of um of new york city um you you can, I mean, so anyway, it's nobody knows where this ends. I mean, I was just reading about how the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I don't know,

it's got to plug into their endowment and their furloughing worker. Like it's, I mean, who's still at work. Healthcare workers. There's a few people driving the trains. You've got some, some finance people that are working from home and some attorneys. I'm supposed to close on my house. You know, I'm selling my house next month. We'll see how it goes. What do I know?

I'm not getting along with my wife. I like the medium shining here in Jersey. Everybody's talking. A lot of comics are talking about how all the work they're going to get done during this quarantine you're gonna write jokes talking to yourself in a hall i mean they don't have complete mental breakdowns and we'll end up writing 30 pages of all jack all work and no play make jack don't hold it's it's going to be a stiff overlook. The average comedian is going to end up with a tremendous new 35 minutes. I think that the idea that comedians and others are going to use this time creatively has some merit. But I don't think that I think that when you're stressed and worried and depressed, as many comedians are, it's not the best time to be creative.

We all want jokes out of it. Everybody's on the verge of mental illness. And if you look at, watch any interview with a rapper who goes to jail, every time they go in, they say, you know, they go in saying that they're going to write a song after, so it never happens. They come out, and anyway. Yeah, I mean, I don't feel like this is amazing.

I don't feel like this is amazing for my anxiety disorder. Yeah, yeah, no. Are you working on a new book, Perrielle? Because you have several books to your credit. For example, The Only Bush is My Own. The Only Bush I Trust is My Own. And also Get On on your knees and- On my knees?

Okay. Yes, get on your knees and bang away until the day is gone. Well, I have worked a bit on my novel. I got a couple, I have to sneeze, but- You're supposed to be sneezing into your elbow. What's that? You're supposed to be sneezing into your elbow. There's nobody here, Perrielle.

I live all by myself, as I have done for many, many years. Many, many years. I'm going to be doing it too soon. But for some reason, the sneeze made me feel as though I could possibly have it. I understand that digitally it doesn't get transferred, but I don't really know that. I can't really decide if my shortness of breath is because I have the coronavirus or if I'm just in the midst of like a panic attack. Well, that's the problem with coronavirus's symptoms is that they all are perfect for psychosomatic illness. Shortness of breath is the classic psychosomatic symptom. I mean, so, you know, anybody that is prone to hypochondria or anxiety is going to wind up having shortness of breath.

Every time I cough, I'm like, was that dry? Yes. And this is an aspect of the perfect storm of paranoia that we're all experiencing. In addition to which, the liability is very real very real I mean it just seems like from every angle you were 80 to 100 years old have do you would you be able to contextualize this at all I mean if you're a hundred you haven't even lived through the Spanish flu I mean so is this this is entirely unprecedented is it not you're 100, you haven't even lived through the Spanish flu. I mean, so is this this is entirely unprecedented, is it not? If you're 100, you've lived through the war and World War Two and lived through some pretty nasty stuff.

Yeah. Maybe you've gone to war. Well, no, if you were 100, you probably would have been. Yeah. World War Two. No, that's a good point. Yeah. No, that's certainly. I mean, there's a meme going around saying that your grandparents were called upon to go to war. You're being called upon to sit on your couch. Yes, yes.

And I think that meme is interesting because it's true. We're just not, we're soft. We're just not used to it. I mean, if they packed you up and told you to go to Vietnam, then you'd have a real problem on your hand. You'd have a story on your hands. Now you're sitting around talking about how you're fighting a virus. This is relatively easy, you know. I mean, financially it can be difficult for many people and can be anxiety provoking.

But, you know, it's not being packed up. It's not being marched into a railway car. Yeah. Or that either. I mean mean fair enough But it's right, but what we will we? Know I mean come on the entire world has shut down. Yeah, yeah Yeah, it certainly has I mean wait it way to kill the spirit I

May not you guys I have a question. I mean I consider both of you. I'm, me, not you guys. I have a question. I mean, I consider both of you. I'm a heterosexual, is the answer to that question. Well, Dara Godfrey just texted me. Okay, that's Gilbert Godfrey's wife. See what she said. You know, also in 1917, the Spanish flu. It was 18, yeah.

Was it 15? I think it was 1918. 18, 18., the Spanish flu. It was 1918, yeah. Was it 15? I think it was 1918. 1918, okay, my bad, 1918. Economies were more localized in 1918, and so the shockwave economically was very different. I mean, you knew the people often you bought milk from. I mean, now, if a factory in China China shuts down somebody here doesn't get toilet paper. It's an entirely different You know sort of situation on a global

financial and economic level What's that I'm asking Perry I would Darrow Dara wants. Yeah, yeah, what she wants. I was just checking in. You know, she said bat shit scary. Well, one thing we know about the Godfrey's is they have plenty of hotel soap and shampoo to get through this crisis. Right. She said she just did four loads of laundry. So clean, so folded. You know, Gilbert Godfrey is a hoarder.

Every time he goes on the road, he takes shampoo and soap from the hotel. I don't think it's because he's hoarding. I think because it's free. But whatever the reason, rest assured the Godfreys will have clean hair for as long as this crisis continues Here's my question. I consider both of you what yes your query is

Because I consider both of you, you know sort of advanced highly intelligent beings somebody to the Reese's monkey, yes And the perhaps even compared to the average comedian. Maybe not so much. A friend of mine who's actually a judge told me that it was ridiculous to think

that this wasn't germ warfare. I think it's ridiculous to think that it is germ warfare. What are were you saying the Chinese are attacking us well she said that I she said you know she's usually usually not a judge is your friend is she like a judge on a match game or no I mean she's actually that very intelligent level-headed person so it was really shocking coming from her because it sounds like something I would say with just like no basis for anything.

But theoretically, if it were, wouldn't it have originated here in that whatever germ would have been released into Times Square as opposed to the Wuhan province and then hopefully butterfly its way over and begin killing Americans after knocking out a bunch of Chinese? It just seems indirect. province and then hopefully butterfly its way over and begin killing Americans after knocking out a bunch of Chinese.

It just seems indirect. And also getting the French and the Italians along the way. Well, they're all white. So this is an anti-white thing? Anti-white, you know. What about, well, on a related note, that gets us into Trump's insistence on his in his tweets. Every tweet is the Chinese flu, the Chinese flu. Crazy.

Instead of just COVID-19 or at least the Wuhan flu. Kung flu, as some people are calling it. I think Kung flu is pretty bad. But Perry, what is Trump's objective in flavoring the language in this xenophobic, inflammatory, what is the objective in calling it that? I think he's trying to distance himself from any responsibility. Right. Well, I think he doesn't like China. Well, he should, because Jack Ma is about to send 500,000 masks and a million COVID-19 tests.

You know that, right? Jack Ma is the wealthiest guy in Asia. Excuse me. He's the CEO or the founder of Alibaba. Will he be sending duck sauce? Stupid. They never send you enough duck sauce, I'll tell you that. They never do.

Jack Ma is the owner of the Beijing Improv and also the Wuhan Go Bananas. Well, Ma is not a Chinese name. Is that true, Doug? No. Has he straight up blown us off? I mean, he has three children at home. If this were Fred Kaplan on Zoom, you rest assured he would be

present and accounted for. Or not Fred Kaplan, but I don't know if this were... You know. Okay. This just... The famous intellectual. Bernie was about to argue before the Supreme Court.

We get it. We get it. If Dershowitz were on this, he'd be here. He'd be here. All of a sudden, his kids wouldn't be so important. Yes, that's right. According to the governor's experts, the peak will come in approximately 45 days, and we will need anywhere between 55, 55 to 110,000 hospital beds and 18,000 to 37,000 ICU beds.

Who said that? My doctor's office. And New York only has 53 hospital beds and 3,000 ICU beds. But given what your judge is saying, I don't know if I trust your doctor. No, my doctor is saying. I don't know if I trust your doctor. No, my doctor's amazing. My doctor is actually also Jim and Jeannie Gaffigan's doctor and she saved Jeannie Gaffigan's life and she writes extensively about her in her

book. So she's solid. She's an epidemiologist. She may be very competent in her field. She's not an epidemiologist. She's not an epidemiologist but she is she's the an epidemiologist. She's not an epidemiologist, but she is. She's she's the one to fucking listen to our cookie.

But I've heard other, you know, and that may be true, assuming no, no measures are taken, but measures are being taken. That's a measure. I mean, look at you got Dove cooped up in his house. I got such a light to medium shining. I got another few days before the walls begin closing in and little twins are at the end of a hallway. You know who's going to make a killing on all this? Divorce lawyers. Oh yeah, yes, you're right. You know, that's funny. That's what they call an externality, an unintended consequence of an issue of policy. Yes, divorce lawyers are going to be a bonanza.

There are millions of couples right now that have never spent more than a week together in the same place. I mean, outside of a vacation context, you're talking about apartments in cities with two people gnawing at one another. They usually spend eight hours a day at work. It is a debacle i mean dove i don't know if you want to discuss the state of your relationship i know you know nothing now because but it's not it's not great so so sweet such a but you're in a relatively large space together, at least. I am very fortunate with regard to the size of the house and the location of the house. But I still got this woman that I live with.

And so that could shrink a 4,500-foot house pretty quickly. But no, it's a big place. Yeah. I mean, we're in like 1,000 square feet at best. Listen, that's twice the size of my mother's old apartment. But yes, of course. I mean, it's in New York City. And can hardly stand each other on a good day.

Yes. No, no, you're right. Divorce lawyers, it's going to be a bonanza. Their phones are not going to stop ringing. I mean, however long this thing lasts, you're going to have another year and a half. Divorce lawyers are going to be they're going to be sipping champagne at noon. Those guys think about how many people are finding out that the person they're with is in the middle of having an affair.

Oh, my God. Could you? I mean, we're finding out, you know, what the person they're with is like when when they don't have anything to do with their hands. And all of that anxiety begins to manifest itself in the person they always were, as opposed to the person you thought they were with the briefcase. Son of a bitch. It's going to be a wild scene out there. Thank God. What have you been doing with your days? Have you been watching a lot of Netflix or? I've been looking at the stock market. I'm researching a little bit.

I just bought one of Warren Buffett's favorite books, The Intelligent Investor. I want to know where the bottom is at. You know, I mean, if I'm not dead by the end of this thing, I'd like to make a couple of bucks. But also, you know, you work out a little bit. I took a drive. I'm thinking about selling one of my cars. I don't need to. I'm not going anywhere. I'm under a quarantine. My wife doesn't like me. I can't talk yet, he's 16 months old. He thought he was in a boxcar today because I, anyway, yeah, everything's perfect.

It's all great. It's going. He won't remember it, that's what's good. I know, it won't scar him because he's having a great time. Yeah. The irony of the fact that you're gallivanting around in a t-shirt that says hubby. Yeah.

Look at that. Look at that. Well, it was a workout shirt. It's not something I would normally wear out of the house, but here we are in the house. I have not been working out at home. Normally I go to the gym. The reason, generally speaking, I don't work out if there's no steam room at the end of the workout. The steam room is my motivation.

Yeah. Really? My true love and my one place that I am relatively relaxed at. But since I don't have that, I'm less prone to work out in the house. Dove is shadowboxing now. How long do you spend in the steam room? Well, as long as I can stand it. Typically, well, what I do is I go in, and then I walk out and cool off,

maybe take a cool shower, go back in, 45 minutes or so. Wow. Of, you know, going in and 45 minutes or so. Wow. Of, you know, going in and out. Yeah, so sweet. Such a steam. They call him the steam master. He goes in there, he steams, he walks out, he goes back in, he takes another steam.

I mean, you're talking about you can knock off half a day like that. No jokes for 15 minutes and the next day he looks forward to another steam. Why don't you get outside? You do some exercise, do a couple of pushups, whether or not you have the steam to look forward to.

I think that's good advice, but, but, but I do love a steam. I don't know if we can conclude anything Freudian, you know, with regard to getting back to the womb and the, I don't know,

but certainly there's probably some psychological grist for the mill. Well, yeah, no, no. I mean, yeah, you could go somewhere Freudian with that. Although a lot of people like esteem, you just happen to have a bit more of an affinity for it than many. Yes. A lot of people like esteem but i you know a lot a lot of people like uh but you know like um then there is you know and then there's the addicts yeah then you got you then you got your ocd got your tiger woods you know you ever run into an aggressive homosexual in this team

yes but years ago uh at the other location i go to Equinox, but at this location, it's been fine. At the other location, I had a couple of masturbating incidents. Yes, I did. And and I walked out of the steam room annoyed that I my steam was interrupted. What do you mean interrupted? They were already jerking off when you walked in there. No, I walked in. Dan was the one jerking off. He started jerking off. Other people got angry, and he walked out with a piece of his hand. I should have said, hey, beat it. But instead, I was sheepish, and I just walked out of the steam room.

Wait, you were in there, and somebody walked in and started jerking off? I was in there, and somebody else was in in there and then he started jerking off. Well, listen, it's slippery in there. We don't know that he was actually masturbating. It's just, you know, when you reach for something every now and then. I had an incident at Crunch Fitness on Lafayette. I saw some guy's towel popping around.

I turned to my right and he was really waxing the old rod. And I said, what the fuck are you doing? And then he tucked it back under the towel. And, you know, it was a Mexican standoff, you know. I wasn't going to attack the guy, but at the same time, and he kept, yeah, no, you know. I shouldn't have didn't leave.

But then he didn't leave and we just sat. It was very awkward, so awkward. In the locker room? No, steam room. No, no, It was very awkward. So awkward. In the locker room? No, steam room. No, no. It was actually a sauna. It wasn't a steam room because you could see well. There was no mist. There was no mist in the room. It was a classic

Me Too moment. You never hear stories about women doing this shit. Only fucking men. I have never walked into a room and then a woman walks in and just starts masturbating. No one's arguing that women in many ways

are the superior sex in certain ways. If you want a bridge built with ironworking done, I think men probably are the people you want to turn to in that situation. a bridge built. Was ironworking done? Ironwork, yes. I think men probably are the people you want to turn to in that situation.

The guy was working his iron in the sauna when Dan walked out. He was working an iron all right. There was an ironwork. Such a steam fitting. I just sent Noam a text. I find this disturbing. At least he could send a text saying, I can't make it tonight.

Listen, there'll be another night. We'll talk steam. We'll talk Corona. I did want Noam's opinion on, you know, whether he thinks that would affect this will have on Trump in terms of whether this will favor his reelection or not. Well, we will get it. This is our first one. And, you know, I think that it's a really nice thing that we're able to do this.

Yes, it is nice. I mean, I was thrilled to see both of your faces. Listen, it really reduces, you know, the experience of not only things closing in, but the unnatural kind of context in which we're all just not coming into contact with people. I mean, video form of contact, which reduces the anxiety brought about by, you know, we're, we're social animals. I mean, what's it like by you though?

Are people out? Well, it's because it's, it's this park setting and so there's a guard and then they can walk around. There's a lot of social space and there's a little playground, but no one's there. So it's the oldest. It's actually an interesting place. It's strange. It's the oldest planned community in America. And so there are houses from the 1800s. It's 12 miles from the city. It's in West Orange.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Listen, if you've got to be quarantined, I mean. And then, like, can you go, when you go to the store, is there, like, stuff there? Is it empty? There's a Whole Foods by me. I mean, they're running low on frozen goods and dry goods,

you know, dry stuff. I'm saying goods, like I'm riding into town on a horse. Goods. I don't think I've ever even called it that. They've got fresh stuff so far, but we'll see what goes on next week. I went to Costco and there were cops in front and then a guy on a speaker saying that they're out of, you know, paper goods and water. I was at Gristiti's a couple of days ago and I almost never go shopping for food because I do most of my eating out. But they were well stocked and pretty much everything. Now, my stove doesn't work because it was like a gas leak and they disconnected it and I never bothered getting a new stove. So

I'm limited to that, which doesn't need a stove. So I got cereal, sandwiches, sandwich meat, dried apricots and such. I'm finding myself very hungry the whole day. I don't know if that's because when there's nothing else to do, you get hungry. But a lot of people are saying they've just been eating through all of their, they've bought. Yeah. It was like you bought food for a month and then you ate it all on the second day. Yeah. So I assume people are going to become fat at the end of all this.

We're all going to know. No one's going to be able to recognize each other when we all see each other get at the comedy cellar. Yeah. Listen, divorce rates are going to shoot up. You know, everybody's going to be able to recognize each other when we all see each other get at the comedy cellar yeah listen divorce rates are going to shoot up you know everybody's going to be you know not fit i mean it's good it's it'll be a funny looking place when everybody wanders out of their apartments for the first time five months from now we'll see uh periel um i'm talking to noam oh okay what, okay. What does Nellum have to say? He said, I fell asleep.

Too much going on for me today. I'm sorry. Well, he tell him he can join us for just 10 minutes. I did. I just did. I just did. I said, why don't you join for a little? Yes. And his response to that i mean i'm not holding on i mean i'm not holding out on you let's see what he says um so have you been finding yourself periel uh gorging on your provisions your provisions have you i'm trying not to although I don't usually have stuff like this laying around

ah so good nothing like a good take I mean it's I mean we're not going to see the peak for this for 45 days no one will be joining us next week oh come on man

look 45 days. Noam will be joining us next week. Oh, come on, man. What's also funny about all of this is that, you know, 48 hours into the really heavy, you know, quarantine stuff, people are already talking as though, as though, you know, they've gone through some sort of intense experience. I mean, it's going to get, I don't know, but exponentially tougher psychologically. But I mean, we haven't seen anything yet. We haven't seen anything yet.

Anything. No, no. Well, maybe, you know, maybe it won't be what we think. Maybe somebody will come. I read that in Australia, you know, you read a lot of things. There's a lot of different information coming at you. But I read in Australia that they're experimenting with these medications, this combination therapy that seems to be effective against coronavirus or the Chinese virus, if you will.

Stop calling it that. You know what else is going on? I'm saying somebody could come to the rescue. Look at this. I got a text. I don't know if you can see it says it says i miss you um and it's from a number that i don't know which is an indicator that the the the likely the nigerian scammers are opening up and preying on people's psychological vulnerability somebody's sitting in an apartment right now that isn't me getting that and writing back.

And then before you know it, there's a relationship. Well, it could be, Dove, that you've had a history. This is no secret. I'm not telling tales out of school. But prior to your being married, there were, oh, I would say, five or six thousand... No, that you've had a history. That it could be any one of the young ladies. Thousand? Five or six thousand. No, that you've had a history that there could be any one of the young ladies.

Thousand? Five or six thousand? I'm exaggerating. No, it's under, it's under, it's under, likely under a thousand. No, no, they wouldn't send a text like this. And I miss you is, it's a, it's a random, it's cryptic. It's meant to grab you because if they had actual personal knowledge of who you are,

there would be some context to that. Nobody from five years ago just says, I miss you. They would say, hey, it's so-and-so or they would place something. They would say, do you still like, if they knew you, they might say something like,

do you still like to get fucked with a strap on? Or you still enjoy good pegging is what they'd say. And then you'd know that it was somebody that actually, although I suppose if you sent out a hundred random texts, do you still enjoy pegging? A few people would be like, wow, so this is obviously someone that knows me.

Yeah, you get a couple of pegs. I don't know what kind of scam that would be. I mean, what's the end game of such a scam? Well, you're going to scam that would be. I mean, what's the end game of such a scam? Well, you're asking for money. I mean, there are a number of scenarios where people will end up getting personal information and then using that to scam somebody. I mean, I saw some mini documentary with some older cat fell in love with a it was a Nigerian guy on the other end of it.

But he thought it was a delightfuligerian guy on the other end of it but he thought it was a delightful young lady and they were sending pics it happens to me on um that girl from russia or someplace and eat yeah that was so fucked up he was american though he lived here yes yes here don't underestimate what that kind of isolation could do to somebody or a sense of loneliness. I mean, any kind of connection could build one into believing that, which, you know, you know, is,

is unlikely or shouldn't. You're correct. When you say that, that reminds me of a time at a strip club in Vegas. Yes. Very young. And I was feeling lonely. I was on the road so it's not quite the

uh confident man that you that you uh that you know today that we all know and love and and the stripper said come to me to the champagne this was vegas she said come with me to the champagne room 300 bucks i said well what goes on in the champagne room? She just, don't worry about it. You won't regret it. You won't regret it. Well, $300 later, I regretted it. You regretted it. All that happened was three, she implied, like, I thought this is Vegas. And I thought, all right, it's Vegas. Anything goes.

That, you know, for $300, you would get some sort of sexual satisfaction. But it was three lame lap dances. No blowjob? Nothing. And what am I going to do at that point? Am I going to complain to the manager that she didn't do something illegal? Because in fact, it is illegal in Las Vegas. It's not illegal in the Reno area, but it is.

Right. No, no, no. It's still illegal in a strip club in Reno. They just have places that if you want to have sex for money, but they're designated. But the point is, I fell prey to that sort of thing. My desperation

at the time got the better of me. That's exactly right. And I was out $300, and a gig that I probably was only making a thousand for the week at the time, if not probably less, in fact. You got suckered, baby. But that was a lesson well learned. I don't tolerate strippers anymore. I tell them to beat it. I see they come my way. I'm here for the buffet. If you want to pay for sex, you go, you pay for it like a gentleman. You don't walk around a

club where the conceit is I'm going to dance for you and then maybe something happens in the champagne room. Don't be a sucker. Are you against prostitutes also for that reason or is that okay? Prostitution is honest. Prostitutes say

you pay me X, I give you Y. Strippers, yes, theoretically, you're supposed to understand that this is just a fantasy, but they take advantage of lonely people, men that might think they have a chance with this stripper.

By the way, I'm saying that's a segment of the economy right now that must have just been obliterated. That's what I was just going to say. Do you think prostitutes are still working? No way, right? I don't know. Listen, one, who would still do that? I guess if you're a drug addict, sure. I guess you'd put yourself in some sort of awful in terrible situations but you gotta think it's diminished one the the demand um and unless you're a heroin addict i would imagine it's diminished the supply as well now if both parties were to wear a mask and glad um yeah i mean and not there's no kissing i don't

know can if you can get corona via intercourse. Well, there's already apparently a whole section of corona porn. I heard about that, yeah. Are you sure? What is corona porn? People fucking with masks and gloves on. Well, okay. I mean, I don't see why that would be interesting to people. But, okay. I mean, I guess everyone... Yeah,'t see why that would be interesting to people, but okay. I mean, I guess everyone.

There's no accounting for what's interesting to people. I've never gotten, you know, I don't understand why you jerk off on somebody's foot, but some people, somebody like, I don't know why people do it. I knew somebody who was. Foot person. Yeah. Foot fetish. They love it. They can't get enough of this stuff. He was gay guy, but like hardcore foot fetish. They love it. They can't get enough of the stuff. He was gay guy, but like hardcore foot fetish.

Like would like to like go into like a filthy bathroom and like hump your boot. Motorcycle boots, ideally. Such a boot. So just sweet, sweet humping of a boot. I mean, listen, there's no accounting for what people are into, for God's sake. So let me ask you guys this. If the peak for this is in 45 days, the peak, that means that we've got at least 90 days

ahead of us of this. Well, again, I don't know where your information comes from. I keep telling you. If you're interpreting it correctly. I know that China has already, as I understand it, managed to reverse the curve. That's because they weren't allowed to leave the house for two months, honey.

Yes, and they're able to mobilize that type of, I don't know, those parameters that much more readily and piecemeal. And they were able to do it en masse. I mean, the article I read was that they did it so much more effectively that we've already missed the boat in terms of being able to match that level of reduction in terms of flattening the curve. I mean, people, there were thousands of people on the beach in Florida. Yes. Like yesterday. Not Wuhan.

There were no thousands of people on a beach in Wuhan, Dan. But they're all young people. Flatten the curve. It doesn't matter. They're spreading it. You can be asymptomatic. What if we just isolated the at-risk people and let all the, hear me out,

you isolate all the at-risk people, let all the, hear me out. You isolate all the at-risk people. You let the young people all get it and they develop a herd immunity. You know what a herd immunity means? That's when someone says, Hey, I heard you was immune. So sweet. He's already got it, baby. He's got it. You think the Corona was going to diminish those punchlines? Not going to happen. No, like if enough people are immune, then it kind of stops it.

And so maybe if we let all the young folk get it. That's not how this thing works. But don't tell me how this works. I've been in this for a long time. Well, I think maybe. It's going to be three months. But again, if we just isolate the at-risk people, logically speaking, I'm not sure why that would be a bad policy. Because it's it's not feasible.

Number one. I mean, which you could just end there, technically. It's not feasible. That's it's not going to happen. Well, I don't know if it's feasible. If you know that you're in an at-risk group, then you can, you know... Well, I guess it presents other types of liabilities, certainly for older people. I mean, if young people all got it

and older people stayed really quarantined, but that would take some very specific martial level of kind of society. It's a crazy idea, too. Well, you're dealing with a man who's on the edge, Perrielle. You talk to him in 40 days from now. You're suggesting that the alternative is I've got to

stay here for another two months and I'm telling you that ain't going to happen. I'm getting out of here, one or another yeah but where are you going i don't know but look the people that have like huge estates i mean you know if i had a big big big house on an island somewhere that'd be one thing but i i'm dealing with a studio apartment you know i you but you can walk outside as long as you keep okay you can go to central park right you can't you don't want to touch anything and if you're going in anywhere in close quarters the mask the glove you know i mean but but it lives on plastic for up to three

days right i'm optimistic i think i don't know how but i think that it's going to, I don't see that we're going to be quarantined for 90 days or 45 days. I am optimistic, but perhaps I'm optimistic. But I also thought I would have a big career by now. So when one wants something, one convinces oneself. Well, I think you made a good point about us, you know, a generation from now not being able to look back and talk about how we fought the big one because we were sitting and we were fighting by, by, by gnawing away at a Tate's cookie. That's how I fought the war. The whole economy went flat while I sucked down a double Tate's.

And then, you know, listen, the one great thing it's done is it put, there is no politically correct. I haven't seen one printed word using with the term microaggression. And this thing began, not one person is worried about what, you know, whether it's a transvestite or a Zay or is it, I mean, it's all gone out. Nobody cares. Well, I wonder if there's going to be any permanent effects to all this. If it is what, what Perry L suggesting a 45 day, a 90 day effect,

will this instill in us some sense of perspective when it's all over such that I hope so. I'm not as small and petty when this is all over and perhaps we see the world differently. Yeah. For two weeks. Any human animals, these people can't remember a lesson. Every time there is that. Yes. Our kids are going to be not that bright. Judy gold wrote on Instagram.

Well, you know, talk about like, let's look on the bright side. At least we don't have to worry about school shootings that's funny you gotta worry about them getting the edge you know yeah i mean i don't know that is a positive the truth is there probably will be a lot well but there'll be a lot less drunk driving deaths i'd imagine there'll be a lot less. Nobody's drinking at bars and driving home. There'll probably be a lot less, I guess, robberies and street crime. I'd imagine a lot of... You think that's the case? Why would there be so much less?

You think all the robberies that otherwise would have been taking place, you think they were being... They're exercising extreme cautions, the robbers. You're right. They were jumping through windows and stealing TVs to buy heroin. You think they're going to be going, maybe I should think the better of. Who the hell do you think they are? Maybe I should self-quarantine.

Yes, I should self-quarantine. Okay, but I stand firm on less drunk driving accidents. Yes. That I stand firm on. That's reasonable. Less drunk driving accidents. Yes. That I stand firm on. That's reasonable. Less drunk driving. So, you know, I guess less people, yeah, less traffic accidents in general. Yes.

I stand firm on that. No, no, no, that's a good one. In terms of, you know, the bright side, you know, to add to Judy Gold's sound and cheek but perfectly logical

statement that there'll be less school shootings. Yeah, well, there's no school, so yes, that's true. I do wonder also if when this is all said and done, can we finally and I know, Dov, you've mentioned this, can we finally jettison the handshake?

Oh, I hope to God we can. I've been trying to get out of this for a decade now. Really? Oh, I can't stand it. Shaking somebody's hand? I don't believe in any, you know, all that stuff. But I just don't like, yeah, the hand thing is not good. Not good.

You see what goes on with these hands. They're everywhere. It's not good. Because people are filthy. Yeah, people are, it's not good. It's not good. Fist bump, you know, a good bow, a nice Wuhan-style bow is the way I like to think. I don't think they bow in China.

That's a Japanese thing. Do they bow in China? Don't worry about what goes on in China. There's plenty of bowing. Plenty of bowing. Is that true? They don't bow in China? I don't about what goes on in China. There's plenty of bowing. Plenty of bowing. Is that true? They don't bow in China? Maybe. They may. I don't know. But I

associate bowing with Japanese people. Now, I don't lump all East Asians together, because I'm a little more sophisticated than that. Some people would just say, Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference? But I don't do more sophisticated than that. Some people would just say Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference? But I don't do that.

I distinguish. There are enormous differences. I did associate most Asian cultures with a bow, with regard to the Koreans, the Japanese, and the Chinese. I could be wrong, but that's a good point you're making. Well, I don't know. I could google that i suppose but i'm gonna google it right now you google it um there we go right here do the chinese

bow we're gonna get an answer to this right right now do the chinese bow here let's see traditional greeting in japan k, China, and Vietnam. Bows are the traditional greeting in East Asia, particularly in Japan, Korea, and China. They all bow, baby. Such a bow. Hi-ya! I think that they bow at the different, you know,

some people go for a full, then some people go, hi-ya! Isn't how deep you bow indicative of like When I say then I go I go very deep I'll sometimes I go deep with about you know You see somebody you see some of these comedians. I give them They're lucky to get a head nod out of me. I don't think that bowing is something as Americans. I Don't think that bowing is something as Americans, I don't see that taking root here, but the fist bump, I think is an option. I agree.

I'll get behind. I agree. The fist bump. It's a little, perhaps we associate it with urban culture. And for that reason. R&B slash hip hop hurdle to be overcome. But I think. For that reason, it's hard.

It will be hard, perhaps, for the more traditionally-minded folks, the older folks and the more conservative folks, to perhaps adopt the fist bump. But I do think it is a better alternative to the handshake. I just think it's going to be a while before we see an older white politician.

I mean, we're still involved with this handshake. I think it comes going to be a while before we see, you know, an older white politician, you know, where, you know, I mean, we're still we're still involved with this handshake. I think it comes from a time when still involved. What's that? Yeah. Still involved with his handshake. Handshake. This very involved. But the the Biden thing is is interesting. I mean, you know, since this has a political lean, you know It looks like he's gonna be the guy to run against Trump right now

I mean if anything can weaken Trump I mean you gotta think it's it could be it could be a Wuhan flu that flattens the world economy And then his team doesn't seem to mobilize even conservatives are being critical in terms of the degree of mobilization and smoothness with which, or lack thereof. I just read something in the National Review about them. There are people that say that Trump's anti-immigrant stance will be reinforced by this, so that people will say,

oh, see, Trump is right. We need to enforce the borders. I don't know if the borders wouldn't prevent this. Well, that may be true. But I think the general notion of border control, xenophobia, you know, that kind of thing. Yes, I think so. I think that might find resonance. Right. You know, and I think that this this as long as you have an airport that accepts flights from other parts of the world, you're going to get, you know, another hopefully much less egregious Wuhan flu. You know, well, you know, they do say that the last several outbreaks are that it's several that China seems to be a source of many new. Well, but some come from other places. Wouldn't Ebola come out of Africa, right? But I know that China seems to, as I've read from reliable sources, that China does see, because of their handling of meat. Yeah, yeah, they give some wild dietary stuff. But also, they're one billion people, right?

So if you just, as a percentage of the population on planet Earth, more are gonna come out of there than Iceland for God's more Rhode Island more than Rhode Island You've got more people in one apartment building in Hong Kong than all of my Karen Island Oh That's that's where the mutiny on the bounty people with you on the bounty on pit can sure i know it very well um but you know so uh bill gates did a ted talk years ago i i you know i was i was watching it i had to stop because we were doing our show but he did a ted talk i think in 2015 where he was talking about how we're not ready if you google ted, yeah, yeah. It's everywhere. Did you send that to me, Perrielle? I saw that somewhere.

Somebody sent it to me that Bill Gates predicted that we are not ready for the next big outbreak. And I'll watch it when we get done here. But did you see it, Perrielle? Well. I didn't see it. Ready, ready, ready in what context? Well, I don't know. I haven't seen the Ted Talk.

Okay. I wonder how ready one can be for this type of thing. And I read, and again, this is in a conservative paper in the National Review. The author talked about how the types of governments that are very good at mobilizing extremely quickly and creating a martial law-like atmosphere are more, not austere, What's the word? Well, he used China as an example of government. Autocratic, I think. Autocratic.

Societies that are less free are much better at mobilizing very quickly. And they're saying that the price you pay for being in a society where there are lots of freedoms is that you are not going to flatten the curve as quickly and being in a society where there are lots of freedoms is that you are not going to flatten the curve as quickly and efficiently as they did over there. But next time, perhaps, we'll react more quickly. Perhaps we're a little more spring-loaded the next time when we hear something like

this, we'll react, say, a week earlier than we reacted this time, which, by the way, in a situation like this could be this time. And, and which by the way, in a situation like this could be a very significant, very big, although human nature is suggestive about the idea that that won't be the case. It'll be a few years from now to be a different administration. We'll get lax again. Look at all of these, the financial debacles every 10, 20 years, it keeps happening. We never, people are still walking around outside like nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they'll walk around. It's mental illness. Like, it really is mental illness. I don't think it's mental illness. They have a different perception of it than you do. They have

a different risk aversion than you do. They're probably younger people that rightly don't think that they are in mortal danger. And that's statistically true. But why is that the only mitigating factor is whether it affects you personally? Like what about everybody else? It's a factor that motivates younger people to be less concerned. Well, you know what I think think I think that everybody who's not doing this should need to go volunteer in an Emergency room for one week. Yeah That'll solve it. I really do think that because the risk that are the health care professionals and the doctors and nurses in the emergency room doctors are taking is

Insane and have some self-entitled fucking 23-year-old going out to the bars because he's not going to get sick is just psychotic. Well, the bars are closed, but there are people in the park. What are you saying? Look,

they'll stop when they're legally obligated to stop. Well, and, you know, I mean, it's coming. I mean, if people can't stop, you know, can't use discretion on their own, they're going to create some form of martial law. I mean, I guess Cuomo said that they don't want to do it right. But on a federal level, it can override. Yeah. Well, the city's already shut down.

They shut it down such that you can't even go outside. Like in, in Italy, I think, or in France, you have to have a piece of paper and I think it's kind of the honor system, but you have to sign a piece of paper saying I'm going out for an urgent need. I have to go shopping or buy something, medication or whatever. And you have to sign a piece of paper attesting to that. It's in both. It's in France and in Italy. Yeah, so they're doing that.

So you can't even go outside without a good reason, or even to walk your dog I think is an acceptable reason. Isn't the language shelter inside already being used, something along the lines of it? That's what that means. Shelter inside basically means you're not going outside without a damn good reason. Right, which is a soft form of martial law, isn't it? Yeah. Well, they, yeah. Well, in order for that to work, you have to have it to enforce it,

which means you have to have some police presence. There is, I mean, and there is. And I guess there's also public shaming. I mean, you know, if they did that, most people would obey it. But I don't know if that's true without. The problem with with with with allowing people to behave and hoping that their discretion gets the better of them is that it's like hecklers in an audience. It's the kinds of people who lack the self-awareness necessary to crow out there's no winning in that scenario and yet they they're compulsed to behave

like that anyway it's the same people running around outside without any self-awareness there is no discretion so that that's why we need so many fucking you know rules and attorneys that's why you need a martial law with these animals well you can't like you can't have police everywhere i mean you could at enormous cost you know you you you know you could have i mean like speeding i mean most people speed and don't get caught but if the punishment is severe enough for the ones that do get caught, it can dissuade everybody from taking the chance. Well, not quite everybody. I don't know if you've heard anything about the prison system in America, but there are a couple of million people that weren't dissuaded. But I hear you. That's the other thing is the prisons.

Prisons. The prisons. I don't know much about it. No, I've been reading that that's an issue, but I don't know much about that. Go ahead, Perry. No, go ahead. Well, no, I heard something that part of the issue was the law and order component is they actually are looking to avoid arrests because they don't want to introduce any carriers into the prison population right now.

They're into jails and that being a liability. And then also someone was arguing for the, you know, sort of, I don't know what it's called when they release you from prison. The early release of the elderly prisoners. Yeah, yeah, something like that, which is a different scenario than not arresting new people that may be carrying it. Well, in Italy, the guards just abandoned the prisons and the prisoners took over and went into the infirmary and started overdosing on all sorts of drugs in there.

Everybody rife with coronavirus. Can you imagine? Nothing like a... I mean, can you imagine if that happened at like Rikers? God, what a mess. This whole thing is such a mess. I hope it doesn't spin out of control. I mean, right now...

I'm optimistic. I think we'll have, in a week's time, there'll be some good news. I think in a week's time, it will be better than Perrielle's prediction that we will see that it will come back here next week and we'll be a little bit more relieved periel I would I had asked of about it entertain what he's doing. What have you been up to? Have you been watching Netflix?

I've been watching office the office Hello Perrier office. What's that? I've been watching The Office. Wasn't that an old show? I never got into that. Yeah, it's great. I mean, I've watched it before. And, you know, I'm playing with my six-year-old.

Yeah. And trying not to commit homicide or become a victim of domestic violence. Yeah. Well, we certainly wish you luck. It won't be easy. Today I watched Jerry Maguire. Remember Jerry Maguire? Yeah.

Tom Cruise. It was kind of dumb, I thought. As many movies are years later. You sound surprised by that. Pardon? You sound surprised by that. I remember it was a big deal at the time. It got such good reviews.

It was a big deal at the time and a well-beloved movie at the time. But it was watching it now. I mean, you know, this guy's this great athlete, Cuba Gooding Jr., but he wasn't making any money because he, I mean, he wasn't getting a good contract because he didn't, he didn't, he wasn't like friendly to the press or whatever. I don't know. That didn't seem realistic to me, but again, I don't know. Sounds riveting. It's a fun movie. It's got Renee Zellweger in it.

Who's adorable. And Tom Cruise is charming. But the plot seemed a little kind of stupid to me. But then again, I don't know the world of sports agenting. I find Tom Cruise absolutely revolting on every level. On every level? The connection's going out. Oh we go we're you're back i mean he's insane he's in like a full-blown cult well we'll be that as a man we're not talking about that we're talking about the man's well you said he was charming you said

he was charming i think he is charming in his in his roles in real life i never met the guy but never met hitler. Never met Hitler either. I mean, not that I'm comparing the two, but what is that actually? You are comparing the two, and that's an absurd comparison. I just said I'm not. If Hitler were a good actor, I would acknowledge it.

My point was not that I was comparing them, but that you can draw conclusions about people whom you've never met. Without having spent 20 minutes in a sauna with the person. You don't need to shake. I never broke my arm, but it looks like it's painful. Thank you, Dov. In his roles, I find him...

In his roles. Speaking of roles, that's another thing i bought at the super you know anything ready to eat is what i'm getting at no steaks no chicken no bats were you able to get paper towels as well dan or and toilet paper no well i don't i have paper towels i don't use paper towels that much oh right you don't cook that much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have what I need. Do you have disinfectant spray and stuff? Because like the doorknobs and all of that,

you're supposed to be spraying down. I'm not getting quite that obsessive compulsive. I'm washing my hands. It's not obsessive compulsive. I'm washing my hands. That should suffice. When I come into the apartment, I've touched

various things that I have touched in the outside world, I wash my hands. So I think that should suffice. I don't know why that wouldn't be adequate. Just want to, you know, just want to make sure that you're not exposing

yourself. Worrying about you. Very exposed, psychologically. There's only so much I'm willing to, and I'm an obsessive person, but there's only so much I'm willing to just completely be obsessed by this. I hear you. I'm washing my hands. I think that should suffice. I'm not disinfecting every surface I touch.

Yeah, no, no, I know. Me too. Me too. I might if I read that this virus just is more deadly than I'm told that it is, but I'm not at this point moved to carry around disinfectant with me everywhere I go. Oh, that's what I'm doing. Well, that's certainly your right to do it. I'm not going that far.

I think we've got about an hour. We've got about an hour. Or more. Okay. Well, I guess next week I assume we'll still be, absent a miracle we'll still be doing this from our apartment Dove is shadowboxing

quite impressively, I dare say I know, that's not bad Yeah, Dove's got some moves, no question about it He's the only one who's going to be in shape at the end of all this But, you know hopefully next week Noam will join us yeah it sounds like it

and I wish you I'll be speaking to you I guess during the week yeah good to hear from you guys peace love you let me know when we do it again and all the best Per Perrielle.

And stay warm and safe.