The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Super Tewsday

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

Jim Tews and Mia Jackson

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on theick XM99 Sirius Satellite Radio. This is Dan Natterman. Noam is not here. He just simply has a lot on his plate. I don't know what that means. That's kind of like when Greg Brady told Marcia something suddenly came up. It's very ambiguous. He has a lot on his plate. What those things are, I do't know what that means. That's kind of like when Greg Brady told Marcia something suddenly came up. It's very ambiguous. He has a lot on his plate what those things are. I do not know, but he cannot be here.

So you'll be looking forward to a little less politics, a little more show business tonight, as is always the case when I'm hosting solo. And if that's your thing, then keep listening. If that's not your thing, then go do something else. We have with us Periel Ashton Brand. She always is. Her attendance is virtually perfect, 100%, I think. Hi.

Good evening. I got an enraged text message from you. From me? Yeah. I don't think you did. About why Noam's not going to be here? I don't want to air dirty laundry on the air. It's not dirty.

I just said I don't know what that means a lot in this place. But as though I were going to know. I was going to know. Doesn't matter. It's his prerogative. We have with us Mia Jackson. Hello. Mia Jackson is from Georgia, it says in the introduction.

I don't know how interesting that is. I mean, because if I tell people, because if I say where I'm actually from, no one knows where you're actually from. I'm actually from Columbus, Georgia. Well, that's still Georgia. It's a military town. Okay. You can hear her accent. She is indeed from the south.

This is true. And she's been on scene on Last Comic Standing, Epics, and Comedy Central, and can be seen regularly right here at the Comedy Cellar. And also Jim Tooze just sat his sweet ass down. Jim Tooze is a comedian, writer, animator, director who's been seen on NBC, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know that show. And author of a New York Times bestseller?

Yeah. It says here, what bestseller is that? Because it doesn't have the name of the bestseller on it. It was called Felines of New York. It was a parody of Humans of New York. Oh, I don't know Humans of New York. You don't know Humans of New York? No, I'm not familiar with that work.

So Felines of New York, available where books are sold. Yeah. Does that include the guy around the corner with the table in front of the Village Underground? We'll probably have copies of it at some point soon. So Felines of New York, we'll get to that. We'll also get to your new album Oatmeal, which just came out last week on Blonde

Medicine, which is a label, I guess. That is a label. How come nobody ever plugs my books? Because you're the producer and your status as an on-air personality is still being hotly contested. But I'm on air every week. Periel does have a couple of books, something about her vagina

and something about... The only bush I trust is my own and On My Knees, both published by fairly respectable publishing houses. Oh, nice. Penguin and HarperCollins. I feel like that's legit enough to mention. Who published your book, Jim Tews? respectable publishing houses. Oh, nice. Penguin and HarperCollins. I feel like that's legit enough to mention.

Who published your book, Jim Tews? It was... I'm totally blanking right now. Well, probably not Simon & Schuster. Was it Simon & Schuster? It was Simon & Schuster. Because that's like a big name to forget. I know.

Well, they don't send me checks, so... Okay. Well, this is why I'm writing a book, by the way, and this is why I'm writing one because I actually know people that have gotten books published. I don't know a soul who has ever sold a spec screenplay. Do not know one person.

What are you talking about? Of all the people I know who've written screenplays, I know people who've written screenplays that were contracted to write screenplays. I don't know one person that just wrote a screenplay and sold it on spec. I'm sure they exist. I've heard tell. I've never met one. I've read, I've heard tell.

I've never met one. Anyway, Mia and I want to get to, Mia and I just worked together for a week. We did. At the Las Vegas Comedy Cellar Las Vegas. How was that? We had a good ass time, I think. I think it was a good, it was a good week. The shows were good.

They were good, yeah. And it was, it seems to be, the club is more full than it was the last time I was there. So the trend seems to be upward. No, it were good. They were good, yeah. And it seems to be the club is more full than it was the last time I was there, so the trend seems to be upward. No, it was good. I can't think of one night that it was good. All the shows were good. Yeah, everything was pretty good. The truth be told, Mia and I spent very little time together.

We had one lunch with John Fish. Hot chicken. Chicken joint at the Cosmopolitan Hotel. The rest of the time, I don't know what Mia was doing. What were you doing? Well, let's talk about what was I doing. What was I doing? Some combination of the following.

Napping. I went to the spa. They have a spa for $10. For $10, a day pass to the spa. You can use the steam room, jacuzzi, and sauna. A lot of... I was watching Rome on Netflix, which I recommend. I enjoy it. I remember you making that suggestion. I was suggesting that.

And what did I do? I wish I could say I was doing a lot of writing. I was doing some writing. Okay. I was trying to write for the Comedy Central show, and I was able to get a couple of jokes for that, and we'll talk about the Comedy Central show. What was Mia doing? What was Mia doing? Let's see.

Well, the first part of the week, my boyfriend came. Oh, that's nice. Oh, yeah, that trip. Ransom. Ransom. You met Ransom? I did.

I thought he was like 25. He looks so young. Yeah. He looks very young, but he's 42. But he looks, I'll show you a picture. He looks super young.

So he was there for a few days. That's nice. Yeah, look, I'll show you a picture. He looks super young. So he was there for a few days. That's nice. Yeah, look, I'll show you. But yeah, he was there for a little bit. And then what else did I do? Like just different comics I knew came in town. So I, you know, was just kind of hanging out. I did Soul Cycle for the first time.

So that was, and I could not get in and out of the pedals without help from the instructor. The thing about the Vegas room is it's a full week. The Congress, we go for a full week. And you do the shows. The show is... First show at 7, second show at 9. And then the rest of the time, you have to figure out how to burn 20 hours of the day. Just not gambling.

And if you're not a gambler, as I am not, have you done the room, Jim? No, not yet. Okay, that's insane. He's looking at the picture of Ransom right now. That guy's 42? There's no way he's 42. He's lying to you.

Oh, he is. He is. How long have you guys been together? Maybe like five years. Oh, wow. Six, maybe. Yeah. Somewhere within that range.

We don't have a specific date. Well, he's a very impressive young man. Yeah. I say that as your father. Jim, are you scheduled to go out there? No, I am not. Oh, did you ask Esty? I have asked twice.

I mean, it seems like I'm getting into somewhat awkward territory. No, it's not awkward. I ask. If you work here, as you do, then there's no reason you shouldn't be working there. The standards are the same. I agree with you, Dan Aderman, but it is not up to me. I will put it out there that I would like to go to Vegas for a week. And you may not want to go to Vegas for a week.

No, I would like to. You'd have a good time. Who would you like to go with? Because the key to Las Vegas, the key to doing Comedy Cellar in Las Vegas, is who do you go there with? Now, I was there with Mia and John Fish. That's a good crew. They are, and I ignored them the whole time.

But theoretically... You're insane. But theoretically, they're nice people, but I didn't hang out with them that much. Theoretically, they're nice people. In practice, less so. Me and Mia and John went to lunch once, and that's about all we did together. I want to go with Mia and her boyfriend and get his secret. I want to stay out of the sun with Mia's boyfriend.

I know all the tricks. I know all the stuff he uses. Who is your wish list besides Ransom? Ransom, I forgot his last name. It's a weird name, Ransom, but whatever. Who is your wish list of people to go to Vegas with? You, number one. He won't talk to you the whole time.

No, that's why. You'll go to lunch once. No, I would go with anybody. You'll get one lunch. I would go with anybody. I'm easy to get along with. But who do you prefer? I'll tell you, I did a military tour in April with Nathan McIntosh and

Carmen Lynch and Aaron Foley, but she's in LA. That was a dream team. All four of us. None of us were late. Nobody was the drag behind. Nobody was dead weight. But dead weight, you mean on the show or just socially?

Socially and on the show. Everybody's funny there. But everybody was like, hey, do you want to go do this? Do you want to go out into the town? We went to the pyramids on a layover. Real adventurous spirit. Wow. Those two were definitely on my list because I know that during the day,

you're going to, you know, what the thing is. And part of the reason why I wasn't as regarious is believe it or not. I get anxious even. And it's a relatively easy gig. We're only doing 20 minutes spots, two shows.

And I'm not in the best frame of mind necessarily when I'm doing gigs I'm not I shouldn't be doing stand up is what we're getting at I'm very I thought

I've said this many times on the air I thought I would do stand up for a few years get my five minutes on Carson get a sitcom and that would be the end of it as far as stand up is concerned

and that didn't happen of course yet well it's not going to happen within five years or three years or whatever my initial projection was That'll be the end of it, as far as stand-up is concerned. And that didn't happen, of course. Yet. Well, it's not going to happen within five years or three years or whatever my initial projection was. And Carson is dead, so that's not going to happen. But I still get very, very anxious. Before you go on stage? That's correct.

Even here? Except for here. This is the one exception. Even here, there's a tinge of it. Is it a good kind of anxious when you're on the road? It might be good insofar as it might be useful because anxiety can be useful to focus you, but

it's not good as far as me just enjoying the experience. I can't say I enjoyed being in Vegas. It was okay. Why don't you get anxious here though? Because this is home and we're doing 10 minute spots and it's home. And even

then there's a slight tinge of nervousness. When I do 20 minute spots, there's more nervousness. And then when I do a full headliner set, there's complete complete nervousness such that... And you're way out of your element. And you're out of your element

when you're in another place. No, I get that. Do you guys get nervous before you get on stage? How long have you guys been doing stand-up for? Ooh, you want the real answer or the full-time answer? The full-time answer, I've only been full-time for about six years full-time, but

overall about 15. Yeah. Wow. What were you doing at the same time when you were starting? I was a corporate trainer. I was a corporate trainer for a dot com. But what about the nervousness part? The nervousness part, it depends on what kind of show it is. Sometimes if I was doing shows that are super, super huge, I would get really, really nervous.

But yeah, every time I'm here, there's always that, you know, because it's that thing that comes with like, oh, you're at the cellar. So I'm always like, I don't want to panic before I get on stage here. I want to do a good job because I want to come back. So I always have a slight level of panic when I'm here. Other places, like if I was going to do a bar show, I'd be like, yeah, I'm fine. I feel pretty good about where I am. See, for me, it's the opposite because here is home and a bar is there's drunk

people that are going to throw bottles at me. I know I can fight them, though. I can't fight anybody. Fighting ability. Questionable. How about you, Tuzi? I've been doing it 16 years now. Wow. Yeah.

And it's full time off and on. But what about the anxiety? That still pops up once in a while. I've gotten better at it in the last couple years. But I'll tell you what kills me is then when you're there at a show and you don't know. You're headlining and you don't know if anybody's going to show up. Oh, yeah. And then you have that whole thing to deal with beforehand.

Oh, you see, I don't really much worry about the turnout. Yeah, I got to get invested. I'm assuming no one's coming. Because I'm not famous. I mean, if it's a club that gets, I know that whoever's in the audience is probably there because the club is good. Yeah.

Not because they know who I am. There might be five people that know who I am. I'm not a name and I, I know that. So that's, that's, that's, uh,

you know, I'm not as nervous. That's not a question. Yeah. You're not as nervous as I'm. No. I mean, it gets better every time.

And does the amount of time that you're doing on stage influence whether you're nervous or not yeah totally it still does but even that's gotten a little bit better because i've i've just learned to relax i was i had used to have pretty bad stage fright and zero stage presence i still have a little i have a little more than zero now but I was a very like by the book. I like writing stuff and saying it and then trying to say it the funniest way possible. But now I've in the last, you know, honestly, like three, four years, I've learned to just like get up there and relax because you know what you're doing. You're fine. Mia's taking notes. I don't know if those notes had to do with the show.

I have to go tape in a few minutes. Oh, you're taping the Comedy Central thing. I had to get my life together. Well, let's talk about that. Comedy Central. There's a whole lot happening. This week at the Comedy Cellar is back for a third season. Back. I mean, they call it a season. It's like five or six episodes.

Is it? Whatever it is, it's a relatively short season, quote unquote. And then it disappears for like seven months and then it comes back for another season. Is that true? Yeah, I don't know why they're doing it that way. Why they're piecemealing it like that. Because what was it? Why can't they just say we'll keep it on the air until such time as we don't want it on the air anymore.

But they're doing six episodes here, six episodes there. It's a topical show for those of you who don't know. Yeah, tell everybody what it is. We've discussed it before, but if you don't know, this week at the Comedy Cellar, Comedy Central, Friday nights at, I'm not sure what time. 11. 11pm. Topical jokes.

Comedians doing jokes about the week's events, and other jokes too, but the focus is on the week's events, so they tape a bunch of comics and they use the they use the ones they want to use for whatever reason it's pretty fucking hysterical have you seen it yeah i mean i've yeah i watched him yamanika had a bit about the coronavirus that i was crying i saw that watch it where she puts her foot up. Yeah. Somebody sneezed. I love it.

So, Mia, you're taping it tonight? Yeah. So what are the topics that they're preparing? I mean, I did it last night, so I know what the topics are, but I'm just asking for the audience. Let's see. The ones that I pulled out that I wanted to talk about. Let's see. I mean, there's a whole bunch of stuff on the list.

There's politics, because a whole lot of stuff has happened in, what, the past 24 hours, as always. So politics. There's some stuff about women being distressed about their sex lives. That's a good— That was like a study that came out? That was a study. Lots of times they'll have news that nobody actually would even know is actual news. Right. They'll say, oh, a study just came out.

Right. So nobody in the audience, I mean, we could do that theoretically any time. Right, right, right. And nobody would be at home saying, no study came out like that. Right. The talk shows do that, too. You just say the other day after you say that. Right.

Here's something I just read. Right, right, right. Nobody cares. Who cares, though was something I just read. Right. Right. Right. Nobody care. Who cares, though? None of it matters. You know, but one of there was a study from a few months ago that I thought was pretty cool because it was about it said women with bigger boobs have more respiratory issues. And I was like, oh, that might explain all of my life since 1992.

But that was that was not. But it was not on the show. Not on the show. It was just one of those studies where it was like, oh, that was a thing I didn't know. But I think one of the other topics for this week is, what is it? It's obesity. 40% of Americans. 40% of American adults are obese. Yeah.

I came up with a joke for that, but I didn't do it because it probably wasn't that good. I thought of maybe like, oh, 40% of Americans obese are going to a study, and 60% of Americans that sit next to me on a plane are obese. Yeah, whatever. I don't know. That's okay, I guess. Maybe I should have said it. And then I didn't do that topic last night.

I did a coronavirus joke. I did a joke about Women's History Month because March is Women's History Month. That is true. Which I don't do that topic last night. I did a coronavirus joke. I did a joke about Women's History Month, because March is Women's History Month. That is true. Which I don't think anyone knows, but it's not nearly as prominent as Black History Month. Right. Which I feel like is Women's History Month.

Is it fairly new? Because I feel like I only heard about it. No, because I Googled that. And it feels new. It feels new. What I do is, if I want to write, this will give you some insight into the joke writing process, audience, you know, listeners. When I get a topic for, say, this week at the Comedy Cellar, I research it a little bit so that I have more potential material.

So I Google. So the topic is March is Women's History Month. That's the topic. I say, well, I don't know if I can do much with that. Let's see what else I can find. So I Google Women's History Month, and it says started in 1987. And I say, well, I can't do much with that either. And so I read about it, and it ended up not coming up with anything. But the point is, I figure the more I know about Women's History Month, the more something

might click in. Like maybe Women's History Month was, maybe Harvey Weinstein invented it. I mean, maybe something. He didn't. I mean. That would be hilarious. But that would be funny. By the way, March is the month of Harvey Weinstein's birthday.

I found that out. Oh. Because I said, maybe I could do something. I wonder if any of these sex criminals had a birthday in March, and maybe there's a joke that could be done with that. So I Google Cosby. Now, his is, I think, in June. I Google Weinstein.

His is in March. And I say, maybe there's a joke there that Harvey Weinstein has a birthday in the month that's Women's History Month. I didn't come up with anything. But that's the process that I went through. To try to come up with an angle. You've got to connect the dots. Try to connect the dots.

Is there an association? Is there something that you can put together? And you want more dots. And the more dots you can find, the more possibility that something will hit you. So you have a woman. I'm not going to ask you what it is, but you have a that something will hit you. So you have a woman. I'm not going to ask you what it is, but you have a Woman's History Month joke. Do I have a? No, I don't.

Because I go through and pick out the things where I go, whatever piques my interest first. And I go, oh, okay, I like that one. You look at the list of possible topics. Yeah, I like that one. Then I'll go back through and then keep going down from there. Then I'll think about stuff I might already have that could work with it. Just, you know, because I'm like, oh, what if I come up with something? And then.

Right. So what you can do is. It falls apart. You can. Sometimes they'll give you a topic and you already have a joke in your act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That hits that top. Like there's last month was Black History Month.

And that was one of the topics. So I have a joke already about a woman at a bar that's saying she doesn't like black people and me pretending to agree with her just to get topic. So I have a joke already about a woman at a bar that's saying she doesn't like black people and me pretending to agree with her just to get laid. Is that true? But that's a joke

and it never happened. It's an old joke of mine, but I figured, okay, that fits in with Black History Month. And so I did that joke. They didn't use it on the air. It didn't get a big laugh

and it usually does, but that night it didn't get a big laugh. I thought it was really funny because you did it in Vegas. It's a good joke. It usually gets laughed. It didn't that night in Comedy Central. My feeling is, and I think I'm right, if it doesn't get a big laugh

in the room, they're not going to use it. They're just going to assume it's not a funny joke. They're not going to independently say, the audience didn't laugh, but we love it. Comedy Central's not going to do that, I don't think. And conversely, if the joke is not that good but gets roars, they're going to say that's a good joke. What do they know?

Let's face it. People don't know anything. They're going by the audience. Is it short and can we put captions on it? I think that's their... That's another thing. I mean, there's different factors. How much time do you guys do?

Can it fit into the time? Can it fit into if like, if they have, if they've already, say, edited 25 minutes of the show. How long's the show? And they need one more, whatever it is, say it's 26 minutes, whatever it happens to be. And they got 24 minutes. Now they need two minutes of jokes, and you have a three minute

killer bit, they can't use it. So that's another factor. They also want women, they want men, they want gay, they want different. They want inclusion. They want inclusion, so that's another factor. They also want women. They want men. They want gay. They want different. They want inclusion. They want inclusion. So that's another factor. So all these things go into the mix, and then you're left with the show every Friday.

So how much time do you guys do on stage? Just like a regular cellar set. Yeah, like 10 minutes. We do 10 minutes, and they use what they want to use. Jim, have you done it? I don't want to. I mean, again, I don't want to go, here we go again. You are striking out, Dan. I did it last year.

I hosted one show because Sypha missed a flight, and then they put me in a pinch. But you got the money? You got the TV money? I got the money. I didn't make the cut, though. Well, makes you feel any better? I didn't make the cut all last season. Yeah, I hear that a lot.

Me either. I didn't either. I'd like some tap cut all last season. Yeah, I hear that a lot. Me either. I didn't either. I'd like some taping money, though. Yeah, it's good money. They float you some decent money for what amounts to 10 minutes on stage and however long you spent writing the shit, you know, whatever that would be. You're really angling to get on again, huh? Really making a good impression. It's nice to get a little clip out there.

No, I worked hard this way. In fact, all Vegas, I was trying to work out that Corona joke and a couple other jokes. I had a joke about the White House. It didn't get good laughs. It got a good laugh in Vegas. I had a joke about all the candidates are old. They shouldn't call it the White House. They should call it the White Home.

I remember that joke. It didn't do that that well so they probably won't use it but how how dare and i i put it on twitter and i i didn't get that many uh likes so i should have but that doesn't necessarily mean it's not a good joke because my coronavirus joke didn't get that many likes either and it killed last night when i did it you want to tell us what no because they might they might use it i hope they might use what it is? No, because they might use it. I hope they use it. They might use it. Because that's one they might use. I'm rooting for you. I'm rooting for you, too.

In other Natterman career news, and then we'll get to Jim's special. I taped Pete Davidson's got a movie coming out called King of Staten Island. And Judd Apatow was nice enough to invite me to do a small scene in it wherein I played a, I don't even know what the word would be, but during a minor league baseball game,

I go out and I announce the ground ball challenge. If you can field a certain number of ground balls, you get free tickets to the next game.

Oh, like the MC for the... Like a guy, go out there, okay everybody! And I went out in front in a real minor league game in Staten Island and I was nervous as shit

because they were like, oh, we're taping a movie but I was in front of a real minor league fans and I just said, hey, everybody, are you ready for the ground ball challenge

and whatever. So I got an email from, I think his name is Barry Mend. He's one of the producers, not Judd, but there's another producer, saying that it was cut out, but thank you.

You did a great job. I don't know how typical that is. I thought it was. He said. It's very typical. Is it typical that they would send you an email saying you've been cut out? No, that's not typical. I think that was a very courteous thing.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't think that's typical. You usually don't find out until you show up at one event. And then you're like, oh, yes. At the round the red carpet. Yeah, you show up to go see yourself in the movie. Well, I would know better than that. I would know not to go. I wouldn't go anyway because I don't watch myself.

But if I was new, I would make sure I wasn't cut out before I even told anybody I was in a movie. Oh, I wouldn't. I've heard of people that, you know, they don't get invited to the big thing. They'll be like, everybody in my town, we can go watch the movie. And then they watch it and they're like, oh, oh, no, I'm not in this at all. So, yikes. And what he did, the email said, sad news.

And my heart sank. It's like, sad news. That sad news is how you, when somebody dies, you say sad news. He said sad news. Your scene didn't make it in the movie. This is what the producer was. Sad news. Sad news.

I could, like sad, oh my God, somebody just died. Who the hell would say sad news to introduce that news? It's a bit intense. It's a bit intense. For that kind of news, you would say,

hey, you would say unfortunately. What was the subject of the email? What was that? I don't remember. Was that sad news? Because that feels a lot. I don't think it was sad news. I don't think it was sad news. I can look that up.

Tragic news. I wonder if that means that he wanted it to be in and then he was disappointed. So he's like, I got to let you know. Well, I think that, I mean, Judd's got a real affinity for Dan. Subject, Judd. Subject, Judd movie. Okay.

Subject, Judd movie. Dan, sad news. The Grounders Challenge didn't end up making the final cut. Okay, that's okay. That's not like. Now that we know it's not the subject. But it wasn't the subject, which was a bummer

because you were funny and totally credible. Anyway... Oh, that's nice. What a nice email. Right. I thought I lost my very first TV appearance because I thought I got... Louie was my first TV appearance.

Louie. The Louie FX show. FX show. And he'd seen me at a show, and then we corresponded a bit, and then he emailed me and was like, hey, can you come tape this little part downstairs? I tape it. I look at my call sheet, right, and I think I'm going to be in this one episode. So I watch it with my girlfriend.

I don't tell too many people. And then it gets to the end of the episode, nothing. So I'm devastated because i'm like well there goes my first tv appearance and then i as i'm piecing together what my scene was i'm like there was nowhere for it in that in that storyline in that storyline so i get home i look at the the sides and i look at the call sheet and i was listed in the wrong episode on the call sheet so i was theoretically going the wrong episode on the call sheet. So I was theoretically going to be in the following weekend. So now I had this whole week

to not tell anybody. And then luckily towards the end of the episode, the following week, I ended up in the episode, but for, for, I had that high and low and I told a close group, group of friends. And then when I wasn't in by the end of the episode, I started getting texts. Sorry, man. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, that's so brutal.

Yeah. It was rough. I was like, well, that's it. There was my shot. It's over now. Well, again, you know. No email, though. No email.

Yeah. Well, it was a very nice email that he sent me. And again, that's because I have a personal relationship with Judd, I suppose. Anyway. Show biz. Well, that's what I wrote back. I wrote back, that's show biz. You did?

That's what I wrote back. I mean, I probably should have written back, thank you for the opportunity anyway. Yeah, probably. I just wrote back. Did that show biz show up as one of the auto replies on your Google thing? No, no, no. It sounds good, that showbiz. That's really what you wrote back?

Not even like, hi, thank you? No, and looking back, I probably should have written a little bit. I should have written more, but whatever. That's done. Barry, if you're listening. Did I say Barry? That's what you said. Barry Mendel, I think. He's a big producer. He, if you're listening. Is it Barry? Did I say Barry? That's what you said. Barry Mendel, I think.

He's a big producer. He's like a big name. Well, maybe you should fucking address it then. That's showbiz. Barry Mendel, yeah. He's like a big deal. This guy's like a big producer. Dan writes back, that's showbiz.

It's outrageous. Well, that's just, look, a 30-year-old Dan Aderman would have written this. You are who you are, Dan. Thank you for the opportunity. People respect that. I'm a beaten 50-year-old Dan Aderman. Right, you get that showbiz. The coronavirus.

Let's move on to the coronavirus, which everybody's talking about. It's one of the topics on, do you have a joke for it? You know what? I was trying to think of something, but this is going to sound really awful, but I'll just say it because I don't think I'm going to do it. But it's not that it's a joke. It's just more that around this time of year, I usually am coughing all the time, like nonstop, so it's been really nice to see just like other people get judged,

and I've been going around like, ha. That's funny. Who's feeling really good about themselves? Perrielle says do it. That's funny. I think it needs a stronger punch, but Perrielle says do it. No, but one of my friends, as she said today, she was like, yeah, I noticed. She's like, have you done something different?

Because you're not coughing as much. And so I've just been feeling. But now I've become really harsh towards other people. On stage, do you ever have like a coughing attack where you cannot finish your set? I one time had somewhat of an asthma attack on stage one time. That happened in a very smoky bar. And there was an EMT in the audience. Shut up.

That's hysterical. He was like, are you okay? And I was like, no, I'm fine. And I'm just coughing. And then I had to get somebody from the back of the room to go into my bag and get my inhaler. And they passed it. All these people passed it up. And then people started sending water to the stage.

Mia, that is hilarious. You ever have to blow your nose on stage? Starts running? No. You got 35 minutes left in the set? No, I never had to do that. What do you do? I used to keep a bag of

cough-related items with me and someone thought I was a prop comic because I would just take it. With a Robitussin? You have to be you know, you have to have full control of your voice up there. And if it's at all compromised

you have to blow your nose I've never had that particular problem I had that happen this winter I would probably suck it back I would suck it back as gross as that is or you know look like

I mean because we perform when we are sick because we don't get sick pay. You need to perform or you don't get paid. I was on stage. I realized... I mean, I've been on stage like, you know, half dead, but you got to get paid. I've done it. I realized I had Tic Tacs in my mouth the other day when I was on stage and I was like, fuck. I was so uncomfortable.

Well, that's easy enough to rectify. You just chew them and swallow them. Not really. What do you got really? You can't chew them. You can chew tic-tac. Of course you can chew tic-tac. And if you had them in, and then they're not there,

somebody in the audience is going to go, she just swallowed. It was a disaster. So what do we think about coronavirus? I know Perrielle has her, she's wearing a glove. Well, I think that this is more prudent than those masks because they're saying... She's wearing a blue glove on one hand like Michael Jackson.

Is that your hand shaking hand? Well, I'm not shaking anybody's hand. But just like opening doors and subway things. The masks don't work. That's what I've heard. Yeah. Like the masks are for surgeons. So as not to infect like a sterile site.

Yeah. It doesn't work. So it's ridiculous. It's like mass fucking panic. I read that it protects. If you have something, it will prevent you from passing it around. But who cares about that? Yeah.

I want to protect me. I don't care about other people. Get some gloves. We know. Yeah, but that's what I heard. So I came across this, you know, just like a proctology glove or like a doctor glove. And it seems like... You get boxes of those. Yeah.

This might have... I'm going to predict something just so I get credit if it comes true. And if it doesn't, no one will remember anyway. Coronavirus is going to end up saving lives because we're going to start switching to a fist bump society. As opposed to a handshake society. This will be a catalyst for change. I don't mind a fist bump. Because I think we need to get rid of the handshake anyway.

When you think about it, a handshake is gross I think we need to get rid of the handshake anyway. When you think about it, the handshake is gross. And we do it because that's the tradition. The Japanese, weird as them people are, are on to something. I'm kidding around. With the bow. It looks odd, but they're on to something. And it feels more formal anyway.

I want to start bowing. Very formal. Yeah, there's no, you should be a bit... You should be touching people. What about the Roman handshake where you grab the other person's forearm? Forearm, hand to forearm. I think you just don't want to touch anything. I don't know. Is that better?

I just... Is that better to touch their forearm? I guess it would be. No, you don't. You're talking about limiting bodily contact. Because the forearm... They don't touch everything with their forearm. Right.

So, like, in other words, I just got into the subway. I'm holding the bar. Right. And then I shake your hand. So now you've got subway bar hand. Yep. Yeah, that's a breeding ground, that shit. You would think so.

Doorknob, subway thing. So maybe this will finally push us in the direction of fist bumping, which I guess started out in the African-American community. Did it? I'm just assuming. Did it not? I don't know. Why is she supposed to know?

And also, by the way, these microphones are filthy. Like, you want to talk about not catching shit? The microphones are filled. I mean, now we've got to do some research. Mia is talking about fist bumping. It seems like it because I could swear that's where I first started seeing it.

It makes sense. Typically, it's more often black people that will give. Our trendsetters. But when I get a fist, it's typically a black person that extends his fist for a bump more often than a white man. All right. But I've seen white... Well, we do it because we also say, use black terminology, like... I mean, Baseball Hall of Famer Stan Musial...

Is that who... No, get out. Baseball Hall of Famer Stan Musial used the fist bump during the 1950s, 60s as an alternative to shaking hands. Musial was convinced that he was catching too many colds by picking up germs while shaking thousands of hands each year, so he adopted the

fist bump as a friendly alternative. Is this a black guy? I don't know. He adopted it, but that doesn't mean he invented it. Mia, do you have to go? I do have to go. Okay, we wish Mia luck getting on the show. I'm going to look up. I don't know if he was black or white.

Mia, thank you. He's white. Thank you. Oh, he's a white man. But he said he adopted it. He didn't say he gave birth to it. So that is a white man. No question about it.

But again, we don't know who invented it. Right. Well. Now, you might want to look that up. His name was Clark Dapp. Clark Dapp. Inventor of the Dapp. Oh, it's Dapp, yes.

I haven't heard that word in a long time. Dapp. Super Tuesday, and I don't mean T-U-E-S-D-A-Y, I mean T-E-W-S-D-A-Y. That's how you spell my last name. Jim Tues. In case anybody was not familiar. And maybe we'll get to Super Tuesday, but the actual Super Tuesday.

But Jim has wanted to talk about, and we'd love to hear about, Oatmeal. Not just for breakfast anymore. It is his latest album on the label Blonde Medicine. Oatmeal, ladies and gentlemen. Available, I assume, on iTunes and all of that. Correct. Satellite radio. Pandora.

Where did you tape this thing? San Francisco. At what club? This thing. Yeah. It's a place called The Setup. It's a little room in the basement of a beer bar kind of place. And they have just a good, solid audience.

It's like a 45 seats maybe. And how many minutes is this album? It's like a 45 minute, yeah. Oh, I got the time. Do comedians buy the album on iTunes or Pandora? Listen to it on Pandora. You can hear it on Sirius. Now, comics at the end of shows will often sell what we call in the business, merch.

Now, in the old days, comics would sell mostly CDs. They'd say, did you like the show? Well, here's a CD. And, you know, some percentage of it you didn't hear. Or maybe you didn't hear any of it. So buy the CD if you enjoyed me. Now it's time to take home. But I'm not seeing that anymore.

I'm not seeing comedians selling CDs after shows. I'm seeing them selling T-shirts, bumper stickers, and so on. Beer koozies. Whatever it is. Are you selling Oatmeal or your other albums after shows, or do you have other merch? Now the thing is, Drop Cards, they're called. It's a company that sells digital audio, like albums, but there's a website you go to, and

then they print up X amount of cards, and the cards each have a code, and you send them the graphics for the card, and then that's what the audience... It's great. And then what I do is... So it's a code to download your CD. Right. And then I have little buttons made up, like little one-inch buttons

that you put on a jacket or whatever. And yeah, there you go. Mine are little ones. Mine went small, but I sell a bag of three different ones of those that I did the artwork for. And then I do like pay what you want. You get the buttons.

You get the card. It's a dream. Just a button that you put on. It's a pit. Yeah, I'll give you one. I've been told by people that I'm not a merch guy because I hate standing out there and standing there and selling. You hate everything about the road stuff. I don't love the road, yes.

That is not a secret, and I've never claimed to. But I'm told by people that do merch that the CDs are not the big sellers now, that you're better off with this. Yeah, because you don't listen to CDs anymore. Or that even an album is not. That you're better off with a T-shirt. It's something from your act. You have a joke, and the punchline to your joke

is go figure and your t-shirt will say go figure or whatever it would be. Like we could make you a great Cousin Sheila like baseball cap. Yeah, I fuck Cousin Sheila.

Well, maybe not with the I fuck. Maybe not that, but Yeah, something like Cousin Sheila. That's a great idea. I hard Cousin Sheila. Whatever it would be.

And then you then I'm told that these are bigger sellers Yeah. than a CD would be. So I don't know. You might want to consider a T-shirt. Buttons are cheap to make and easy to carry.

And my last album was called I Was In Band. I Was In What? I Was In Band. B-A-N-D Band. Okay, so was I, by the way. Well, I've got a button for you. But only for freshman year. They say I Was In Band. And people. But only for one, for freshman year. They say, I was in band.

And people would buy those. Yeah, that's good. Because it's kind of like, it's maybe a conversation thing. It doesn't say your name on it, which is probably bad marketing. Yeah, that's bad marketing. So is there any particular topics that you tackle on Oatmeal that we haven't heard before? Obviously, comedians often will hit similar topics. We all live on the same planet and experience the same craziness.

Do you know anyone else with an Oatmeal joke, Dan? No. I feel like Oatmeal is so good. You could actually sell Oatmeal branded as Oatmeal. I looked into it. It's so good. I looked into getting getting for the release event that we did last week in Cleveland.

I looked for packets that I could get that were blank that I could rubber stamp. But you could probably just get them printed. You do have an oatmeal joke in the album. I do. Why is it the title of the album?

Is that joke so prominent or is it just one of the jokes and you decided that that would be a good title? It's one of the jokes. I like a one-word title. It's also, I get a little mushy on this album. I talk about my feelings quite a bit. So it's mushy. It's also good for you. Not only is it a joke about oatmeal, but it's about mush.

Mush. And the sentimentality. A little bit bland. Of Jim Tooze. And not that exciting. Not real edgy. Okay, well, I've only done one album. I should do another.

Yeah, you should. Because another thing you do with those albums is you send it to Sirius Radio, and they play the tracks, and you get residual money. Yes. And you can actually make decent money with that. You do make decent money. That's what's been keeping me out of a cubicle. All right. Yeah, a lot of comics are making good money. Yes. And you can actually make decent money with that. You do make decent money. That's what's been keeping me out of a cubicle

for some time. All right. Yeah, a lot of comics are making good money and I make okay money just being played on Sirius, but if I had another album, then that would be helpful.

And the people want it, Dan. Yeah, I'm sure it would do great. Well, it wouldn't do great. It would do fine. It would do okay. It wouldn't do great. I'm not famous.

It's not going to do great. It's not going to take the world by storm. How do you know? Because I get it. I'm not famous. It's not going to do great. It's not going to take the world by storm. How do you know? Because I get it. I get it. I finally get it after all these years. You don't have to take it by storm.

You just have to relentlessly. But if it puts another grand in my pocket a month or whatever would be, that would be a very nice thing. Yeah. Super Tuesday, the other Super Tuesday. T-U-E-S-D-E-R. Well, Noam's not here, but we don't need Noam to talk about politics. We can talk about politics without Noam. I did all this homework because I thought Noam was going to be here.

And I'm like, I got to keep up. Yeah, Noam has a lot on his plate. I got to keep up. That's all I know. He's got a lot on his plate. That's all I know. But we don't know what it is. I don't know.

I hope it's nothing horrible or serious. I hope it's good things. I wish Noam nothing but good things. I hope a lot on his plate. Oh, that's sweet. He got a threesome. His wife finally relented and said we can have a threesome. I hope that's what he meant by a lot in his plate. Oh, that's sweet. He got a threesome. His wife finally relented and said we could have a threesome. I hope that's what he meant by a lot in his plate.

I doubt it. By the way, we did our first ad last week. Oh, yeah. I heard something about that. It was like a boner ad. Don't say that. What's wrong with the boner ad? I don't know.

There are very specific things we're not supposed to say. But it was exciting. We did our first ad. It was an erectile dysfunction related? It's called Blue Chew. All right. And I believe it's for erectile. It's for enhancing erection.

I can't tell you how many people have hit me up, being like, are you guys getting samples of those? Well, they should give us samples. Do you want some? I don't know what you had. You didn't tell me what we had to say I didn't have to say. You weren't here. Where were you last week?

Well, I was in Vegas, as we had discussed at the top of the show, because I have to make a living. Could have used some blue chew in Vegas. This podcast is unfortunately not bringing in all that many dollars at this time. Super Tuesday. Any thoughts? Biden makes a huge comeback. Nobody saw it coming, or at least I didn't see it coming.

I didn't. And I don't think many people did. Bloomberg and Warren, the big losers on Super Tuesday. Sanders still crazy Bernie, still hanging on, I guess. He won California, so that's a big deal. Yeah. It's insane, isn't it? Yeah, he's still in the game.

I guess he's still in the game. I'm not holding out as much hope as I used to be. Are you a Bernie bro? I would lean towards Bernie. I would go Bernie or Warren, but I feel like I'd have to go Bernie. So you're a real, so, you know, if Noam were here, he would probably, this would be the time where he reprimanded you. I would lean towards Bernie. I would go Bernie or Warren, but I feel like I'd have to go Bernie. So, you know, if Noam were here, he would probably, this would be the time where he reprimanded you. Yep.

And in a not-so-subtle way, called you a fool. Yep. For your views. But what is it about Bernie in particular that excites you? He's not the same thing. I like the Medicare for All. I'm a big proponent of that.

I'm crawling out of college debt, even after having the GI Bill pay for a good portion. Danielle, you want to sit down for a brief second? Danielle, the wages I thought might be interesting to hear from one of our new wagers, our new hires. You were in the military?

He was in the Coast Guard. Whoa. He was. He was protecting our coast, and that's a noble thing. I mean, I was in Cleveland for a good portion of my tour. Was it Lake Erie? Yeah. No, because Lake Erie has Coast Guard people, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also saving fishermen that are like, I can go. It's not too rough out there. Yep. Do people in Cleveland have that accent? No. Well, they do if they're calling up Jim to rescue them. Yeah.

They're like, ah. You were in the Coast Guard for four years. Yeah. Right out of college? Right out of high school. Right out of high school, Right out of high school. Yeah, 99 to 03.

So you, even despite that, you still have student debt. So you want Bernie to make it all go away. I don't, I'll take care of the rest of what I got.

I don't, I don't think that should be a problem that so many people have. I agree with you. I'm, just like with medical debt and I'd be fine

with going back to some version of Obamacare that we had, but the way things currently are, I think with you. Just like with medical debt. And I'd be fine with going back to some version of Obamacare that we had, but the way things currently are, I think they suck. What did you study in college? Film. See, this is the problem. Well, that was my choice. I'm paying for people that study certain, like, you know, science.

But film is borderline. Borderline what? The arts don't count? The arts aren't important? If you want to pay for it, do it. But I don't know that the taxpayers should be paying to study that. To study something that's going to be difficult for you to make a living at after. Well, that's one of the reasons I said I don't mind paying for what I've got left.

But right now, and I wouldn't even, like, I would be like, well, that sucks. But right now, you'd have to go into the same amount of debt to become a nurse or something way more useful. But you'd pay it back. I mean, like certain professions, you'll pay back. But that's still debatable. It's so much. It's so much. It's psychotic that you have to go into that much debt to cover your education. Again, I would say my position is to study certain things.

I'd be against it. I don't think everybody, you know, you want to study classical Greek poetry. I don't know that the taxpayer, that we should impose upon the taxpayer. Sure. I will even give you that. But right now. And I think we emphasize college too much. I think the bigger problem

is telling everybody they have to go to college to go to college and study to learn shit that you're likely not going to use. Now, I'm not saying that knowledge is not a good thing, but the question is who should have to pay for that knowledge? And should the average taxpayer have to pay for me to study

classical Greek or whatever? Well, look at you. You went to law school and then you didn't even use that degree. That is correct. So isn't that a bigger waste of money? Yes, it was, but the taxpayers didn't pay for that money. Right, but I'm saying, though, like,

Jim's actually using it. And had he not paid for it, I wouldn't have gone. But I never would have taken out loans for that, for goodness sakes, because I didn't want to be a lawyer. Well, right. I mean, I went to grad school for creative writing, and I got a fellowship for it. I mean, can you imagine if I went into, like, hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt to be a fucking writer? I have a friend who is a scientist, a senior scientist at GlaxoSmithKline, and he just

paid his student loans off. Jesus Christ. Well, look, I'm not against it, but I do think there should be some limitations on what somebody should be able to study and have the taxpayers pay for it. I'd be fine with that. As far as Medicare for All, I'm in favor of that. I think

we already kind of do that. I mean, the emergency room by law cannot throw you out if you show up there. Yeah, we already kind of do that. I mean, the emergency room, by law, cannot throw you out if you show up there. Yeah, but that's an extreme example. But the point is that we, as a society, kind of feel intrinsically like nobody should just be denied medical care. That's kind of...

We've already decided that. We've decided that. By having laws that say the emergency room has to take you, we have Medicaid. I don't think most Americans would agree to somebody dying of an illness because they

can't pay for a doctor. Why? That happens all the time. I mean, yeah, it is possible. In this country, there are... I don't know what the statistics are. People don't go to the doctor because they can't afford it, but they can go to the emergency room, which is a shitty way of handling things,

and that's why it would be cheaper, probably, to just have Medicare for all. No, but if you have a kid who, God forbid, has cancer... You can go on Medicaid. No, if your insurance doesn't cover certain treatments... I don't think... Look, I don't know. I'm telling you, I know. I don't think I don't know. I'm telling you. I know. I don't think that's the case.

I think if you, especially if you're a kid, you have cancer, you're going to get treated. I know people that have gotten Medicaid. They've had cancer. They've got, they treated them. There are so many stories about, GoFundMe, that's not like a fucking plan. They had GoFundMes because they needed to pay back their treatment, but they got the treatment. No. But they got the treatment.

They might have gone bankrupt. Okay, so maybe. No, no, I'm not saying that's a good thing. I don't know how many people are dying in this. I don't know. I think. That's a rarity, but that's still, you're going like, well, at least they're not dying. No, no, that's why I'm agreeing with you.

I'm saying we're already doing it in a shitty, awful, haphazard way. I mean, GoFundMe is not a fucking medical plan. I'm saying we're already doing it. In a shitty, awful, haphazard way. I mean, GoFundMe is not a fucking medical plan. I understand that. My point was is that they got the treatment and they had to use GoFundMe to pay the debt that they owed from the treatment. Right, but what I... They didn't use GoFundMe because they wouldn't have gotten the treatment. Right, I understand what you're saying.

I agree, GoFundMe is not a good medical plan, but the point is, is we've already as a society, it seems to me, decided that people shouldn't die because they can't afford medical care. Now, the question is, what's the best way then to affect that? The best way to do it, is it single payer? I don't know. Is it some other kind of a thing?

I'm not sure. But I think everybody should be covered. So I agree with you with that. Why is that considered like a left-wing sort of idea that everybody should have medical care? I don't understand that. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. Well, I mean, if you want to define it as left or a centrist, I don't know. A lot of people are against it because it seems socialist-y to them. I think that's what the big thing is.

They feel like it's socialism, communism. But we already kind of half have it. I mean, yeah, there's Medicare, Medicaid or whatever. Medicaid, I think, for the poor. Yeah, and that's the other thing. If you make over a certain amount of money, you're just kind of fucked. Yeah, well, then you'll just have to go bankrupt. Yeah, so there's that, you know, just like, I mean, when I was in college,

I realized I got fewer grants if I'd made slightly more money, so I kept working under the table to keep my income up. Now, Noam seems to think that there'll be less innovation if the government is in charge of... Medicine? They won't be in charge of medicine. They'd be in charge of paying for medicine. There'd still be competition amongst private firms that want to develop products. And I think the evidence for Noam's point that he's made on this podcast is not good.

I don't know if innovation would go down at all. I see that point. But that's one of the things people worry about, is if all of a sudden now the government is basically deciding what treatments are going to be paid for and what treatments are not going to be paid for, and somehow that will affect the the innovation in the medical world well i think there will always be a premium paid for innovation that saves somebody's lives and

rich people aren't going away so if you know what i mean if somebody's willing if steve jobs was here and got cancer and it was some medic well i don't know i think in some systems the rich can't they they got to go through the system they can't just buy it on their own i don't know. I think in some systems, the rich can't. They got to go through the system. They can't just buy it on their own. I don't know that in certain systems like Canada. I think I think of Canada. I don't I don't know how it works. And no one would be better informed on all this. And this is where no one comes in handy. I think if you have money, there will always be a way to get better. Even if we're all provided care, there will always be a way for you to get something better.

And in fact, Steve Jobs did get cancer. And didn't he not get treated? He was like drinking like spinach juice or something? Yes, that was his own decision. I was just using him as an example. No, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a bad example, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, I... That worked out well for him. As far as Bernie is concerned, I, you, I half agree with the education, agree with the health care, but I think Bernie's an idiot. Why do you think Bernie's an idiot? The way he rants about the 1%. Yeah, he feels a little loose sometimes, but so does the guy we have in the office. Billionaires not paying their fair share, which is imbecilic. They pay more than everybody else.

Can you do that impression, though, for more than a second? I'm not an impressionist. If I happen to get an impression right, I don't want to do it again and ruin it. The 1%. I mean, I guess I'm already halfway Bernie anyway, because I'm a Jew from the New York area. Danielle, did you want to sit down? I don't know if you have time. I guess she doesn't have time.

She's actually working. The way he goes on about billionaires and rich people not paying their fair share is stupid. And the way he demonizes billionaires is stupid.

Billionaires, if we need them to pay more because that's the only way we can raise the money, fine. But we shouldn't treat them as the enemy. We should be grateful that they're a potential source of revenue. And if we have to utilize them and soak them, then we should do it with a little humility and say, we're going to soak you, but thank you. After they've been soaking everyone else for so long.

But they haven't. But that's where you and I part ways. I don't view billionaires as the enemy that's been soaking everybody else for so long. But they haven't. That's where you and I part ways. I don't view billionaires as the enemy that's been soaking everybody else. I view them, I mean, maybe if you inherited the money and you didn't do anything for it, but if you built a company, I mean, if you built Amazon, if you built Apple,

if you built all these great companies and revolutionized our society, then you made the money. You know, and what am I going to do? all these great companies and revolutionized our society, then you made the money. You know, and what am I going to do? Yeah, there's a lot of those cases. You didn't soak anybody. You didn't cheat anybody.

You did it within the law. Have you watched that Frontline special on Amazon? No. It's really interesting. But basically, Amazon makes the money it makes because of how competitive it is and aggressively competitive and how many corners they cut and the money they put into finding ways to cut corners. And the cost is generally somebody else's comfort or income. Right, and how little they pay people. Well, they pay what the market will bear.

And if you had a bunch of little companies instead of one big Amazon, they'd pay shit too. So it's not like... Is that true? Why wouldn't they? I don't know, because then it suddenly becomes more competitive, right? Yeah, because if you want good workers, then there's 12 little companies instead of one Amazon. Like, is it ethical to do that? Well, then you're talking about monopoly.

Yeah, which is what Amazon is. Well, then there might be an issue there with monopoly. But Amazon also saves people a great deal of money because they're charging less for their products. And as far as what you're saying, is it ethical? I believe companies should pay what they pay. And if the people can't make it, then society should offer a safety net. So Amazon should pay no more than it's legally obligated to pay. And if its employees are starving, then we as a society can jump in.

What does that mean? That means that we offer welfare to those who can't make a living or not making a living. Then it's taxpayers paying to make sure that Amazon can stay in business. Because Amazon doesn't want to pay its employees. Amazon pays what? Amazon can't operate without people working for it if those people die because they starve then let's

perhaps put forward a minimum wage I don't say Amazon is the enemy, Amazon is doing what everybody is doing, Amazon is doing what you're doing when you get offered a gig, you're trying to get the most money and then when you book your flight, you're trying to get the cheapest money and then when you book your flight you're trying to get the cheapest ticket. And when you go to a candy store

you buy a chocolate bar. You don't say, you know, this isn't enough. I want to pay more for this chocolate bar because it's not fair that I'm only paying a dollar for this chocolate. You're paying the... You can get away with paying. You're doing...

Amazon is doing what you're doing every day. You're buying a pair of cheap sneakers that might have been made in China. Yeah. And you're not giving it much... Not anymore. You're not giving it much thought. So I'm not looking to demonize Amazon.

I can't demonize it because we've all participated for so long. You know, Amazon is doing what it has to do to stay in business and to satisfy its shareholders. And if society doesn't think that the wages are sufficient, we can employ a minimum wage. Or we can offer for people that are falling through the cracks. Well, why don't we just make it have to be a livable wage? Well, then you're talking about a minimum wage. Okay, then we can enact a minimum wage law.

But the minimum wages, you know. What do you mean the minimum wages, you know? The minimum wage. Okay, then we can enact a minimum wage law. But the minimum... What do you mean the minimum wage is low? You know. The minimum wage... I mean, people can't afford to live in this fucking country. People also have to understand that maybe if they're not making a lot of money, that maybe their lifestyle... No, maybe their lifestyle should be...

Maybe they don't need to have a family at this time. Or ever. Well, if they can't afford it, maybe ever. I don't know that society... That is an insane thing to say. A lot of comedians don't have families for that very reason. That is not why comedians don't have families. You're right.

Comedians don't have families because they're all mentally ill. Because they're still featuring. No, I'm kidding. But some people, family planning has to enter into it. Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, people in third world countries have like 17 children. I'm not talking about the third world countries. I'm talking about the United States of America.

And our system is fucked up. And I don't know that everybody has an absolute right to have a family. I mean, that's a separate question and a separate issue. What? If they can't afford it. Oh, they have a right. But I don't know that we need to pay for it. In other words, should we give everybody a minimum

wage such that they can afford to have kids? Or should the minimum wage reflect what? Enough for a single person to get by. And if you want more, and if you want a family, then you have to do what you have to do. Get another job.

Another job. I guess I'm on the fence. I just know I'm on the fence. I get what you're saying. But, like, there are too many other countries where they do that and it works. And they're not crumbling. My sister lives in Germany. She married a German guy.

They had a kid. They get paid for the kid. And he's got a good job. She's got a good job. They both get parental. They get paid for the kid. And he's got a good job. She's got a good job. They both get parental leave. Don't bring that crap here. I know. But Germany's not falling apart. I don't know. We don't do that in this country.

Part of the reason is I don't think Americans have a great sense of solidarity with each other. And so we don't feel like we're all one big family and we're all in it together. Because we all think that we're, so many people think that they'll be on, shit sucks right now, but I'm on my way up. Well, that's what I keep thinking.

That's part of it. Same. That's part of it. And that's part of perhaps what makes us great in many ways. There's, you know, not the Germany. Look, Germany is certainly an innovative country, but America is pretty badass in terms of the innovations that we've contributed to the world and

to what extent our system is, you know, promotes that, I don't know. I mean, if you want to talk about innovation, what about a communist country of China and every other country that develops the technologies that we're not developing? They're not anywhere near, they don't come close to what the United States has developed technologically.

I mean, they have some of their military stuff, I guess, is decent. The Chinese, you can't compare them to us. Creatively, or, and they're as communist as they used to be. But anyway, I do think a lot of it is to do with the fact that Americans, we just don't feel like we're one big happy family. We don't feel like let's take care of each other. And, you know, what counts for that? I think we started off kind of as a bunch of rebels.

And I think racial diversity might contribute to that. There have been studies demonstrating a lack of trust in diverse communities. And that might contribute to our lack of desire to help each other. I don't know. But that's kind of who we are. We're kind of more independent-minded than the Germans. So next is going to be Biden or Bernie? That's what's happening?

Well, yeah, that's what's happening. That's what it looks like. Biden or Bernie? What do you think? I think Biden, I guess. I don't know. I'm not holding out a ton of hope for Bernie. I mean, I want it, but I feel like Biden's the more familiar,

comfortable shit. Hasn't he kind of gone like a little bit bananas? I mean, he's getting overexcited. I don't know. I mean, people say that he misspeaks a lot. Anyhow, we do have to wrap this up. Well, we do have to discuss the last item on the agenda. We don't have to.

Well, we should. Weinstein verdict. such a march. Now you want to discuss everything on the list? When Noam is here, we don't get to half the list. That's not true. We've already given a full show. And the Weinstein verdict will be here next week. All right, fine.

I mean, I do feel like we would be remiss. I mean, it's kind of a big deal. All right, okay, the Weinstein verdict. Nobody cares. I'm the only girl here of a big deal. All right, okay. The Weinstein verdict. Nobody cares. I'm the only girl here, right? What do you give a shit? I give a shit, but... I mean, it's like a pretty...

Entering women's month. It's a pretty big deal. Well, you want to save it for women's month? It is women's month. It is women's month. All right, so he was found guilty, I guess, of some... Not a first-degree rape, but a third-degree rape. Third-degree rape.

I don't know what that is, necessarily. Here you go. Well, I don't know what that is necessarily. Here you go. Well, I don't know what it is, but it's, I don't know. Has he been sentenced yet? He's going to Rikers. He has not been sentenced yet, but then he hobbled out of the

courtroom. He got taken out in an ambulance because he said he was having palpitations. Well, that might well be. You know, he's not a young man. I mean, I have palpitations all the time. I don't ride around in fucking ambulances. Well, I don't know what his physical health is. As soon as they get to the courtroom, that's when they start feeling everything.

I mean, he was fine when he was, like, raping hundreds of women. First of all, I don't know that he was raping hundreds of women. I was not. Look, my feeling is this. My feeling is

I'm in favor of due process. So I can't say I was excited that he was found guilty because I wasn't in the courtroom. I didn't hear all the evidence. I didn't hear the cross-examination.

I didn't hear the testimony. I'm hopeful the decision was a right one. And if he was guilty of those things, then I'm glad that he was convicted. I'm not going to say I'm glad he was convicted in the abstract because that would mean that I'm assuming

that he was guilty beforehand. People that say, I'm glad somebody was guilty, means that they've already thought that he was guilty. I'm glad somebody was convicted. If you say, I'm glad so-and-so was convicted... Can I please finish my statement? I thought you did.

If you're saying, I'm glad someone was convicted, that implies you feel he was guilty. But of course, how do you know he was guilty without due process? So since I wasn't in the courtroom, and with OJ, we saw the whole thing. So that

might have been an exception to the general rule that if I'm not in the courtroom, I will trust the jury to do the right thing. And from what I know, it does seem like he was guilty, but again I wasn't in the courtroom. But why do you have to be in the courtroom?

Because that's why we have courts! But hundreds of women came forward. But why do you have to be in the courtroom? Because that's why we have courts. But hundreds of women came forward. Then why do we even have a trial? Then we should just throw him in jail right away. Do you agree that we should have a trial? Yes. If you agree that we should have a trial, that means that you agree that he has to be proven guilty in a court of law. And he was.

And I'm happy that he was because he's a fucking rapist. But there again, you assume that he's a rapist. Well, I don't assume anything. He was found guilty of fucking rape. That means he was a rapist, right? By definition. But if he was found not guilty, you wouldn't be saying, I guess he wasn't a rapist. You'd be outraged.

Correct. Okay. So, in other words, you're making a decision based on what you know without having been in the courtroom. So, you're saying the only way. You're allowed to feel a certain way before. You're allowed to feel a certain way. on what you know without having been in the courtroom. So you're saying the only way... You're allowed to feel a certain way before. You're allowed to feel a certain way. I mean, the only way is to know this is if you're in the courtroom.

That's why we have courts. Otherwise, we would say, let's talk to Perrielle and have her decide. Well, we are talking to Perrielle. Or let's take a vote on Twitter. And the reason we don't do that is because even if somebody looks completely guilty, they may not be. But he was found guilty. He was.

But my question to you is if he was found not guilty, you'd be screaming bloody murder. Yes. Okay. So you're not allowed to think that somebody's guilty based on evidence? You're allowed to think it, but you also have to say to yourself, I want to know everything there is to know about this case. I want to hear what I read on Twitter and what I read in the paper. I also would like to hear anything else that might be relevant, which would come out in a court of law and which would not come out necessarily on Twitter.

Well, I don't have, like, I don't read Twitter, but I think there's a preponderance of evidence. Did you not have a thought one way or the other before? My thought is he seems like he's likely guilty. Okay, so how come you can think that, but I can't? I can think it, but at the end of the day, I could say I think he's likely guilty, but I will, even though the jury is a highly flawed system, I will trust them to make the right decision. Highly flawed, by the way.

It is highly flawed, no question about it, but in other words, I'm not going to say, I'm glad he was convicted because to say, I'm glad he was convicted means that I've already in my mind decided he was guilty. Do you follow that logic? I do follow that logic, but we all... So, I haven't decided I didn't decide he was guilty.

I only decided that given what I know, he seems guilty. That's like saying, like watching a football game and picking a team. And then that team, like before you go into something where it's two parties, one versus the other, you have some thought. I have the following thought. He's probably guilty. I have another thought.

I don't know if he's guilty. I have a third thought. The people in the jury room are best qualified to make that decision. So if he was found not guilty, I would have to reassess my initial... I would... If he was found not guilty, a lot of people would be outraged and screaming and yelling, correct? Yeah.

I would not be one of those people. I would say, maybe I didn't hear something, maybe I didn't see something that came out at trial. I want to know what that is. And I didn't see something that came out at trial. I want to know what that is. And I would investigate it. And I would then make a decision based on that.

But I wouldn't immediately yell and scream that justice was not done. I'd say, wait a minute, the jury said he was not guilty. Maybe they saw something. Maybe they heard something that I didn't see or hear. Because I wasn't in the courtroom. And I would then seek to, more than likely I wouldn't do anything, but if I would, before making

a decision as to whether justice was done, I would try to find out what the jury saw or heard that made them think that. We're joined briefly, because we are almost done, by Steve. He's the guy that when you come to the Comedy Cellar and want to get into the show... I'm inside now. He is inside.

Hoo-ah! When you come to the Comedy Cellar and you want to get into the show, he's the guy standing at the door saying, Name. And you give him your name. How many? Two people. And he says,

You're at the wrong location. It's around the corner. You're an idiot. Or whatever you might say. That's about right. Welcome to Steve's been on the show before. We're talking about the Weinstein verdict. I don't know if you have anything that you're dying to talk about.

I mean, what you just said to me is so crazy. No, what I was saying to you is perfectly logical. Hyperlogical. You're not celebrating one way or the other. No, I'm saying people are. There are people. Yeah, they're allowed to. They're allowed to. And I think it's illogical. You're not celebrating one way or the other. I'm saying people are... Yeah, they're allowed to. They're allowed to, and I think it's illogical. It's not illogical.

What you're saying is illogical. You obviously form an opinion. If you're celebrating, that means you've assumed he was guilty. He did assume he was guilty. A lot of people did. You're allowed to do that. You're not the judge. Fine. We're spectators. You're allowed to assume he was guilty. A lot of people did. You're allowed to do that. You're allowed to do that. You're not the judge. Fine.

We're spectators. But you're allowed to assume he's guilty, but you should say, I assume he's guilty, but I want to know more. I assume for now, given what I know, that he's guilty, but I'm going to see what the jury has to say. And then the jury said he's guilty, and then you go, yay. Well, no, then the jury, you might go, yay. I'm going, okay, a guilty man, he's guilty. And you'd have done the same thing if he had not guilty. Declared not guilty.

You'd have done the same thing? If he was declared not guilty, I would have said, that's a little strange. Let me see what I might have missed. Let me see what I might not have seen. Yeah, so you're being objective, but I don't understand. Are you upset that people are celebrating, or just saying you're upset at them being illogical? By celebrating, they're implying that they already knew he was

guilty. That's why they're celebrating. They wanted him. They assumed and wanted him. That's okay. But it's not... It might be okay. It's not logical. Logical is... No, it might not be logical. Logical is let's see what... Maybe he's not guilty. He seems guilty. Maybe he's not guilty. I think it's logical to hear like a hundred women say.

Let's see what the jury says because if those same people say. I celebrate justice. And if he was found not guilty, I would celebrate that if I felt upon investigating and researching that that was the right decision. Steve Fabricant, you say what? Well, I didn't really follow the trial, but I thought it was strange that he had that walker when it was appropriate. All of a sudden, he has a prop on him. Yeah. And that's suspicious.

But, like, you know, when they're smoked as fire, like with Bill Cosby, when all those women started coming out, you assume that they're guilty. But, of course, you wait until the trial's over. But you form an opinion, right? You form an opinion. We all do. You form an opinion, but in the back of your mind, you should be saying, but there's a reason we have a trial. Sure.

And there's a reason we don't call up Perry L. and say, what should we do with this guy? Due process. I believe in that. Or Jim Tooze, for that matter. And that's why we have a trial. Fair enough. And so I, before forming an opinion, I form a preliminary opinion, but I also say, but I don't know everything. But let me ask you a question.

Everybody thought Alfred Dreyfus was guilty. Wait, who's that? Going back a few years. Okay. It's a French guy that got sentenced to Devil's Island in 1901 or something like that. Another rapist? No, no. He was found guilty.

Alleged. He was found guilty of treason. And he was sent to Devil's Island. And then it turned out it wasn't him. Right. And that happens. I'm not disputing that. And I think that it's good that we have trials, too.

Stephen, you say what? Are you saying bias can sometimes lead to a false conviction if it's overwhelming? That so many people want this kind of a guilty matter? I'm saying just because everybody thinks somebody's guilty and because it seems like they're guilty doesn't mean they're guilty. Stephen, you say what? It's better to let a thousand guilty men free than to convict one innocent man. Now, who said that? Was it Cicero or David Till? I thought I just made that up.

Oh, you didn't. Any other thoughts, Stephen? We're about to close out the show. No, I just was walking by. You waved me down. I don't recall waving you down. Maybe that was a perio. But we do enjoy having you on.

Unfortunately, you came late. We wanted you to come on earlier. Well, we're busy. We have a sold-out show, and we're shooting the Comedy Central. So you're saying coronavirus has not affected the Comedy Cellar as of now? Well, you know, sales for corona have gone down because of the virus. I read that was actually not true. No, no, it is true.

It is true. First, I read that they went down. Then I read that they didn't go down. And now Perrielle is saying... I read that they went down. I said we should have a special on Corona tonight. It would be hard to believe it wouldn't go down. It would be hard to believe it was completely unaffected.

But I still eat Ebola. Cereal. Okay. It would be hard to believe it was completely unaffected. But I still eat Ebola. Cereal. Okay. It would be hard to believe. Thank you. I set you up for that and Dan just fucking went on. I can't believe. It would be hard to believe that it had no effect at all. That'd be hard to believe.

They're sold out. No, coronavirus. Oh. I lost a gig because of it. I had a gig at a country club in like a week and a half, and they canceled it. Where? In Pennsylvania. And I think they're afraid of me, a New Yorker. Are you Jewish?

No. You should tell them that because the Jewish community is starting to get targeted. You remind me of... I mean, they might think I'm Jewish. You look a little like Jeremy Piven. I've heard that before. It's working out better for him. Jim is a Sanders supporter.

Oh. I gather, and I know that Stephen is not. There goes my spot. Stephen is not a... I'm not a Marxist. You know that Noam does not mix politics with booking. Yeah, I know, I know. And in fact, as I've said often, the opposite is true.

I think. My theory is the more he disagrees with you, the more he's going to book you to prove that he's not biased. Yeah. And he likes friction. And this way he can have you come here and he can lambaste you, which is his greatest pleasure in life. It's fun to talk to, even when you don't agree with him. Yeah, and he can give you a shellacking, which is something he enjoys.

So he'd prefer to have you around or to have Dino Badala. Dino Badala was a Palestinian activist, if you will, that Noam's father enjoyed hollering at. But it never affected his spots because Noam's father liked Dean comingering at. But it never affected his spots because Noam's father liked Dean coming down so he could holler at him. He's very objective.

And possibly turn him around one day. Possibly, but very unlikely. Not likely. Where is Noam? Noam has a lot on his plate. Blue chew. What the hell does that mean? It means he has a lot on his plate.

I don't know what it means. He's probably away. No, he would say he's away. A lot on his plate. I don't know what it means. He's probably away. No, he would say he's away. A lot in his plate is... If he's away, he would say I'm away. But he has a lot in his plate. Super Tuesday. I don't know what it is.

I'm hoping it's nothing. He's listening to my new album. I hope it's nothing. Well, that might be it. He's listening to Oatmeal. I hope it's nothing. I hope it's all good things that he has on his plate. I hope it's Filet I hope it's all good things that he has on his plate. I hope it's filet mignon and king crab.

I hope he has... I'm being metaphorical, that is to say. I hope whatever's on his plate is a wonderful thing. It sounds a little more sarcastic than metaphorical. It can be metacastical. Metatastical. I think that this is a low priority for him this podcast

but that's I'm sure the listeners appreciate that we're cutting that out I've said that before but you can cut it out I think it's obvious I paid close attention to the news for three days thinking Noam was going to be here what have you learned?

I learned a lot I'm going to act like Noam is going to be everywhere now. Well, when Noam comes in, you can talk to him about Bernie Sanders. He'll be happy to. Noam thinks Bernie is a buffoon. I'm of a similar mind. I agree, as I said to you, with a couple

of his points. But basically, I think he's an idiot. That's an idiot. All right. That's not true. But it looks like it's going to be Biden anyway, I guess, the way the momentum is going. But who knows? I mean, Biden, we thought Biden was out.

Now he's in. And it could turn around again, I guess. It's going to get exciting. We've only got, what, six more months of this? Yeah, I guess so. Jim 2's album, Oatmeal. It's a ride. Oatmeal is out and available on iTunes

and wherever CDs are sold. You can also, he also wrote a New York Times bestseller called Feline. Felines of New York. Felines of New York. It's a parody of Humans of New York. Parody of Humans a New York Times bestseller called Feline. Felines of New York. Felines of New York. It's a parody of Humans of New York. Parody of Humans of New York.

A bestseller, I guess, in the category of? Animals. Animals. Wow. It was, for real. That's a pretty big deal. That's no joke. They have a category for everything on the New York Times bestsellers.

Mia Jackson, I guess, you know, find her on YouTube and enjoy her Georgia stylings. And you can catch me outside. And catch me outside. How about that, Steve? Catch me outside. And, of course, Periel has two books out, both dealing with sex, I guess. The fact that you haven't read them is just appalling, really. You don't need to read it.

Just look at the cover. The only bush I trust is my own and on my knees or something of that nature. She's naked on the cover. You can follow us on Instagram at livefromthetable. Live from the table. You can also send us your questions, comments, and suggestions at podcastatcomedyseller.com. We love your feedback, particularly if it's good. Name in town, name in town, please be pithy.

Thank you, we'll see you next time. Hopefully we'll have the full complement of Comedy Seller Podcast hosts the next time. I'm sorry for my absences, but again, I have to make money. Noam, I don't know where he is, but hopefully he'll be back next week. Thank you so much, we'll be back next week. Thank you so much.

We'll see you next time.