The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Ted Alexandro and Mike Boschetti

Episode Date: May 12, 2016

Ted Alexandro and Mike Boschetti

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show. We're here, of course, with the beautiful Kristen Montella and the very funny Mr. Dan Natterman. And we have some special guests. We're sitting at the table at The Comedy Cellar. Actually, it's a moved table because we're renovating the olive tree. There's a family sitting next to us that's very close to us.

Hi. I hope you guys don't mind us doing a radio show while you're at it. I think they're from Germany. Is that correct? From Holland. From Holland. Very similar. Right next door. By the way, Noam, can we just up front mention the email address for the comments and queries? It's podcast at comedyseller.com.

We have a bunch of addresses, but since we are now a podcast again and a radio show, it's podcast at comedyseller.com. And we do enjoy hearing your feedback, your queries, your commentaries, and even your criticisms as long as they're directed at Noam. That is something worth talking about. Dan doesn't understand the point of getting... Dan only wants feedback if it's positive, and I only like feedback if it's negative

because only from negative feedback can we learn anything. Dan has a different, Dan wants feedback in order to soothe his misery, and I want feedback to improve my show.

Anyway. Well, so any feedback you can give us would be, at least one of us will appreciate it. The few times I've sent, I've actually forwarded to Dan

the negative feedback we've gotten, he's had almost a breakdown. He's trying to quit the show. Oh, he does that every once a week anyway. Anyway. All right.

So, Dan, before we get into this, usually you fill us in on your week. Happy belated Mother's Day. I don't know when this is going to air, Noam, because... Thursday. Thursday. This Thursday to our radio audience and then our podcast audience, I guess, will be a week thereafter. So a much belated Mother's Day. Noam, I know that you must have done something interesting

for Mother's Day. This is what we're going to talk about? Well, very briefly. Because, Noam, what you don't seem to understand is I'm going somewhere with this. Oh, well, we had dinner with my wife and kids, and I tried to get flowers, but they

were all sold out, actually, so I didn't even get flowers. And usually Mother's Day is a day that I get in trouble and do something wrong, but I managed to not get in trouble this Mother's Day. Look at that. I don't know. But what of your own mother? My own? I don't speak to my own mother on Mother's Day.

That's what you're getting at? Yeah, is that where you're going? Is that where you're going? Jesus. Also, I wanted to make the point that everybody on Facebook was posting pictures with their mother. And I couldn't, and I almost did. I have a picture of me with my mother and grandmother at summer camp. They were coming for visiting day.

And I almost posted it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Because there's just something about those posts that it's just self-serving and look at me. I agree with you. I don't post pictures like that. I don't wish happy birthdays on, on Facebook. I, I mean,

I don't know like what it was like to be God prior to Facebook dealing with all the prayers coming in, but he, like he must be inundated with like, just with, with, with his feet. It must be crazy.

Yeah. God's feet is, I mean, this constant like prayers and everything. And it's all so, as you said, it's self-serving and a public exposing of feelings. It's horrible. Well, especially people that I know damn well don't really have a close relationship with their mother

and yet have the nerve to post, to the most beautiful, wonderful, best mother in the world. Motherfucker, I know you don't talk to your mother all year. Yeah, Facebook is an interesting thing all around's, uh, Facebook is an interesting, uh, is an interesting thing all around. Psychologically, Facebook is an interesting thing. Um, uh, so, can we get into this thing with, uh... With Deepak? With Deepak.

Deepu? Let's do it. I want to do this, and then we'll bring it to you. So, Deepu... About my mother's day? Is that what we want to talk about? So, this is, and you're in big trouble, by the way. Yeah, I know.

I figured. Okay, so, because we're bursting at the seams here, we want to start doing a lot of comedy shows in the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge. Now, this is big news. This is big news. The Fat Black Pussycat Lounge. Can we briefly explain to the listening public, not intimately familiar with the comedy cellar. It's the lounge right above the Village Underground.

The Village Underground. The comedy cellar, of course, the original club. Classic comedy cellar, classic on McDougal Street. Around the corner, there's a sister club called the Village Underground. Upstairs from the Village Underground is the Fat Black Pussycat. It is a bar.

Okay. Now, no one wants to do comedy in that bar. Yes, and we did one Robert Kelly podcast there, and it was very good. So, and Deepu is Robert's, like, tech guy. Live stream specialist, let's say. Live stream specialist, let's say. Live stream specialist. So I said, okay, well, we need...

Thanks, Safer. I appreciate that. What did Safer say? Safer, what did you say? I'm full of shit. Like a jerk-off hand motion. Like a jerk-off hand motion specialist. So we asked...

So somehow, I don't even know how it happened. So the question is, we need to get a computer there so they can do live stream podcasts. So now I have some experience buying computers. And you know what? A little bit, no. They're quite cheap these days. Even pretty powerful ones are quite cheap. So we asked Deepu to...

You want to make it into a podcast space or performance? Performance, but podcasting, live podcasting. We want it to be a live streaming podcast. That's Liz, by the way, our general manager. Let's get to it. Deep, will you make us a computer? He goes, sure, no problem. $6,000 he wants for this computer.

$6,000. Now, I just bought a... It's actually a robotic Robert Kelly. Okay, well then, in that case, let's do it. I just bought a... It's actually a robotic Robert Kelly. Okay, well, then, in that case, let's do it. I just bought a very, very high-end, like the most high-end Pro Tools computer, which is, you know, digital audio, but can handle a lot of plugins.

I mean, very, very CPU-intensive. See, I even know that word, CPU. That's a big term. Yeah. And it cost me like $2200 Something like that And this was like This motherfucker asked for

$6000 And felt okay about that And I'm ready to be disabused But what I see Is an attempt to rip me off Well I have three reasons What I see is an attempt to rip me off. Well, I have three reasons why. What I see is an Indian guy. Easy.

That clearly knows computers. Oh, okay. Well, I have three reasons why I came at that figure, if I can explain myself. Okay, so the first being, okay, so the. How did you calculate that figure? I'm about to get to that. Okay, hurry up. Okay, so what you're asking for this computer to do is to basically replicate what a TriCaster can do,

which is take numerous video inputs and then encode that and then live stream it and then record it locally. So I kind of found this crazy way to make a computer do that. Using that gaming software. I know about this because I googled live streaming gaming software. And what was the one I found? OBS. Yeah, OBS. I found a whole YouTube video on how to do multi-camera live streamings using OBS.

That's what you do, right? We do use OBS, but people don't really know how to take in a lot of video inputs to do that. And that's kind of like a skill I've kind of developed on my own, came up with, and just kind of maintained. I see video everywhere. Someone has figured out how to get video out onto the Internet. I see it. I have never seen other people doing it the way we're doing it. Oh, I don't know if it's exactly the way you're doing it. I have never seen other people doing it the way we're doing it. Oh, I don't know if it's exactly the way you're doing it. I'm just saying the idea of interfacing a camera to a computer is not beyond the capabilities of me or we have a guy, John Steiner.

But anyway, just tell me, how do you get to the $6,000? This was for hardware. You were charging for the hardware, $6,000. So it's around, just the computer alone, around $1,200 in parts, right? Yes, that sounds right. Yeah, and then, okay, so... So from that, I'd say

probably $900 in parts, but go ahead. I know you're laughing because I mean it, but go ahead. So the second way I came at that figure was, Liz and I had a discussion about, she was like, yeah, you know, we had SiriusXM. They said they'll do everything for $3,500.

I'm sorry, I didn't get the first reason. There's nothing about what you said that implied why you should be able to charge me seven times the cost on a computer. Well, I mean, it is still my belief that I am one of very few people that can do this particular or put this all together. That's software. That's software. The computer is a computer. That's the OBS software plus calibration of the computer to enable all of that to happen. That sounds like bullshit.

Are you charging $6,000 for your labor? Is that it? For his intellectual property. Well, okay. So here's what the arrangement was. The $6,000 or I divulge all my methods to you and we sign an NDA. That was the alternative I gave. No, no. No, no.

No, no, no. Yeah. That was the alternative you gave after I was outraged by the $6,000. No, I talked with Liz. No, first it was $6,000. All right. So I believe I have some very empowering information that you were asking me to just divulge.

Deepu, first of all, nobody asked you for any information. We asked you to get a computer. And if you charge $6,000 for a computer, it's absurd. I really can't imagine that this is sustained. Is this not interesting for people? I can't imagine. We're getting too bogged down and too technical.

I think you guys have a lot to talk about and we look forward to hearing. This is interesting. We'll see how the emails come in. This is what it is. When you're in a position like mine, everybody's trying to put their hand in your pocket, Dan.

Everybody. There's only one thing that went on here. He looked at me as a rich piñata and he tried to shake $6,000 out of me. That's definitely how it felt. Now he's backing into some sort of rationale. The point is that we've never, you look around here, everybody's been working here for 20 years. No one's ever been replaced or fired, or no one's ever been muscled out of their situation. What you should do is charge

a reasonable price for the computer and kind of say, listen, no, I'm concerned about this and I'll say, okay, well I understand. I promise you I won't do that. Based on what I've heard and I haven't heard everything, it does sound like he wasn't completely upfront about where the $6,000 figure

came from, which is to say how much of it was hardware and how much of it was his services. And he still wanted $200 per show even with the $6,000 computer. It's certainly entitled to ask for that. Now this has been going on, I just did 20 minutes we've been on this topic. I just think

it's probably... Well, we haven't even been on doing 20 minutes of show yet, but that's okay. It must feel like a half an hour. Well, I don't know exactly. I was hoping to reduce Deepu to tears, but it didn't work out that way. No, I kind of, like when I first sent the request for the egregious figures to Liz, I was scared to send that text. Yeah.

But I needed to make a statement. You made a statement. Yeah. But I needed to make a statement. It was a statement about my... You made a statement. Yeah. It was a statement about the exclusivity of my skill set, which I still believe in. That's not a statement you made. I still believe in it. You can go to these alternatives, but... But can we please the one thing, we've talked about $6,000, like Shark Tank, can you please tell us how you came up with that

estimation? I told you how I came up with it. No, you didn't. I'm getting to the second reason. Hurry up. You gotta move along. So I met with Liz months prior, and she was like, yeah, you know, these guys with SiriusXM, they gave us a budget of $3,500, and

in my mind, that was a bluff. I don't think SiriusXM even talked to you about that. In your mind, your plan was just talk to me and just... Oh my god, who do you think I am? What the fuck? You're accusing her of lying? Are you serious? Now it's getting interesting, Dan. Now it's interesting. do you think I am? What the fuck? You're accusing her of lying? Are you serious? Now it's getting interesting, Danny. Do you think I'm gonna lie to you?

Do you think I'm gonna lie to you so you'll build a computer? Are you serious, Deepu? Have I ever lied to you? I don't know. How could I know? Wow. Deepu, really? I cannot believe that.

I think either half of it or all of it was a bluff. You are... Wow. Okay, okay. I think we need to... Who accused my manager, Liz, of lying? Bluffing. Lying. You accused me of lying. Well, you said, I don't think that she ever did speak to anybody, so that's not a bluff, actually. Yeah. Why else would I tell you that, Deepu?

And they said a budget of $3,500. Number one, you don't know what my conversation was. Number two, I had a conversation with the vice president of programming at Sirius where it was like, yeah, I'd love to do podcasts and streaming from the lounge. Yeah, maybe we can get about $3,500 together, get equipment, leave it here. Why else would I have that conversation with you? Don't you ever. Actually, you just verified my thing.

You heard $3,500 and you were just, see, there was nothing about you. Don't do it ever. You just verified my thing. You heard $3,500 and you were just see, there was nothing about you. This is really despicable. There was nothing about you that was setting a price based on what you ought to charge for it. It was your analysis of what you thought you could get.

Shake us down. America the beautiful, baby. America the beautiful. Land of the fucking Ching Ching. I don't like that kind of business. That's what I do when somebody calls me up to perform. How much you got, motherfucker? But to do that kind of business and then

want to maintain your position as kind of part of the family of the organization is out of the question. You could have expressed any concerns that you had, but now it's like, we need people here who want to be here and have a good... who are

operating in a wholesome way with good intentions. I don't want to worry every time you bring a receipt in, did he tell the guy to put some other stuff on there so he could recover expenses? Deepu wants a pool too. What he could recover expenses? Deepu wants a pool too. What can I tell you?

Deepu wants a pool too. Anyway. I worked with an engineer once and his he told me once, say, take a number and double it. So I took a number and doubled it. I don't know where the fuck you think you are. I don't know who you think any of these people are, but come on. Listen, Deepu,

what you did was wrong. And, Daniel, like this, he's a comic. He wants to work here sometime. Yeah, not funny. Oh, Liz, take it easy. Liz is mad. I am. He wants to work here someday, and instead of, like, hooking me up

and maybe building a relationship where it would be hard for me, he instead, you know, violates me. All right. Well, I feel like, you know, building a setup, you know, just as a, you know, favor. I mean. I don't want a favor. I don't want a favor. If it costs you $900 in parts, charge us $2,000.

50% markup is more than what most computer stores would charge. And then that's it. No favors. That's what it gets. And then if you want to charge for your services, you say what you want to charge for your services. And if you don't want to do it, then you don't do it. But you don't try to sneak it in and charge or misdirect or whatever it is, and you don't get to take her number, decide it's a bluff, and double it.

Nobody does business that way. I rarely do business. Clearly. Listen, you know how you should do business? Try to treat people. This is going to blow your mind. Try to treat people the way you'd like to be treated yourself. Do they have that

in Eastern philosophy? Try to treat people the way you want to be treated yourself. Now we're getting into the man's heritage? You said it. It's that simple. It's that simple. I didn't mean to say Eastern philosophy, but I think

of that as the golden rule. I don't know if they have that in every culture. I feel like they do. I think they do, too. That's why it's the golden rule. I don't know if they have that in every culture. I feel like they do. I think they do, too. Yeah, that's why it's the golden rule. Deepu's American, by the way, I would underline. Born and raised, baby. You were the one who harped on the Indian thing, and now you're trying to...

Ah, yeah, but I was joking. You're being serious. In any event... My third read is going to make no sense, but yeah, let's just... No offense about these. But do you understand the idea of treating people the way you want to be treated yourself? Yes, I do understand. Do you feel like you did that?

I felt like I was being treated unfairly prior... Not by you guys. By Riotcast, I guess. Oh, that makes perfect sense. Someone else treated you unfairly, so treat me unfairly. I get it. That makes sense. I just thought everyone treats everyone unfairly. I thought that was the deal. Alright. Alright.

Alright, Deepu. Thank you for coming and dropping by. Well, this was great. I just thought everyone treats everyone unfairly. I thought that was the deal. All right. All right, Deepu. Thank you for coming and dropping by. Your Honor, I rest my case. I just thought everyone treats everyone unfairly. All right, listen, Deepu. I mean, if I were Judge Judy, I'd say something about your ping on my leg and tell me it's raining or something. This is where Judge Judy would lose her cool. Deepu, you need to reevaluate. I'm going to tell you this.

I know I do. We have no intention of cutting you out. That's very gracious of you. If you do a good job. Especially now. If you do a good job. Especially now. If you do a good job at a reasonable price. Thank you, Deepu. And where can we catch you this weekend?

Not here. At home. Robert Kelly's podcast. We'd like to thank Deepu. Yeah, thank you, sir. Thank you, Dan. I'm sorry about the Eastern religion comments. No, it's all in good fun.

And I'm sorry for accusing you of lying, Liz. You should be. Thank you, Deepu. Anyway, okay, thank you,. And I'm sorry for accusing you of lying, Liz. Okay. You should be. Thank you, Deepu. Anyway, okay, thank you, Deepu. We got the legend Mike Bichetti here. I don't know if everybody knows Mike. Mike is a legend. I think he is a legend. He is a legend.

He's a legend in the comedy community because he's, you won't meet a character like this in any other field of endeavor. Well, why is he a legend? Take the reins, Dan. Go ahead. And Mike called me up. He Facebooked me why is he a legend? Take the reins, Dan. Go ahead. Mike called me up. He Facebooked me and asked if he could be on the show, and I said to myself, Mike, why didn't I think of this sooner? If your friends need your stuff, they'll let you know.

I don't like to bother people. That's what we're doing. That is my philosophy, but I don't think it works in life. I actually think that if you annoy people, you do get somewhere. But I'm with you. I don't do it either. Well, you know what? There's different levels of annoying people. You know what I mean?

I don't really like bothering people unless I have something pitched to them that's good too. You know, I don't want to waste anybody's time or effort. Well, with you, I mean, I don't know. You're kind of off the radar around here, so it's not like you're bothering anybody. And I know that as soon as you were around and the idea of coming everybody was excited about it so

thank you I used to you don't know him I did Late Night here years ago when Mike Royce was running Late Night that's a long time ago

going back it was him Dan in fact I got a very funny story about Dan years ago keep it tight anyway

we were at the Boston it was an early show Boston Comedy Club. Years ago, right? We got booked for like a 7.30 show on a Wednesday. It was a ridiculous time, right? Some young kids were heckling Dan, right?

And like I said, I'd never seen Dan get angry, right? He turned into the Dice Man with him. It was so funny. You should have been in there tonight, right? This kid said something to me. Dan goes, hey, dick nose. I would watch it. You call somebody dick nose, Dan goes, hey, Dick Nose. I would watch it. You called somebody Dick Nose, Dan?

No, it was awesome. I'm like, I like Bucky Siegel. Wait, he called me Dick Nose or I called him Dick Nose? I think you called him Dick Nose. I called him Dick Nose. Yes, and it was awesome

because the thing is, it's like, that's the Bucky Siegel part of Dan I've never seen. The Jewish gangster? I can't picture that, Dan. I can't picture that. We all have a breaking point. Yeah, it's true. Well, you've seen me flip out here at the table, Dan. I can't picture that. Well, we all have a breaking point.

Yeah, it's true. Well, you've seen me flip out here at the table, so you know it's in there. No, but not on stage. I haven't seen you. Because it's been a long time since I've bombed sufficiently to provoke that kind of reaction. I see. Usually when you're bombing, then that happens, you know. But if you're not bombing, it's less likely to happen.

But do you think that your persona, too, kind of keeps... It's not the type that hecklers want to heckle? No, I think that my persona... Sometimes you get trapped in a persona, and it's harder for certain people to become... to engage the audience in a violent way. If your persona is... Like, for example, Stephen Wright.

It would be very hard for Stephen Wright to go from My School Colors Were Clear to, Hey, dude, go fuck yourself. To make that transition would be very difficult. No Wright to go from my school colors were clear to, hey, dude, go fuck yourself. Right. To make that transition would be very difficult. No, absolutely. And it would kill. And how do you go from that back into, so I was born with a cesarean section? You know, it would be very hard to do.

Yeah, but some people would be terrified to heckle. Like the late Joan Rivers, you know, she would eat you up to pieces if you heckled her. Like Stephen, Dennis Miller would really rip people up. Oh, my God, I can't even imagine. You'd have to get a dictionary to know what the hell he's talking. If you heckled Miller,

you'd be finished. Do you know him? I wish I did. I love him. I love him too. I feel like his career was tanked by the fact that he became conservative

politically. I feel bad for him. I know. I love his work. I think he's a brilliant comedian. He is. That's what I love Dan. I always tell him if there was any

justice in life in his business, Dan would have had a sitcom and I would have been living next door to him. You would have been living next door to me in the sitcom or in the real life? Both. This is why I like Mike Buscetti because he gets it. No, I do because you know why? Some people don't get it, but you know what?

You just stay with the people who do get it. Maybe you guys need to put something together. It's fun because I love how Dan is. He's always been good. When I first started comedy, my comedy was very good. Yeah, but the thing is, if you ever got successful, I might not be that nice anymore.

I don't give a shit. Let's have some cash and have some fun, you know what I mean? But seriously, though. I'm telling you, Dan, people just don't know a shit. Let's have some cash and have some fun. You know what I mean? But seriously, though. I'm telling you, Dan, people just, I don't know what it is. You know what? You just keep going and hope to God somebody wakes up sooner or later. Mike, you came all the way here. We're honored, by the way, to have you because I believe you live on Staten Island.

Is that right? It used to be a hassle to come in. I don't drive, right? No, I'm so. It used to be a train, a bus, a ferry. It's like, no, just take an express bus. I'm down in Broadway. I'm home in like an hour or less.

Why does anybody live on Staten Island? It's weird out there right now. It's like Donnie Broscoville. It is. My mother-in-law lives out there, but she's not living with us. And it's horrible. It's horrible. Even the way they drive out there, it's a different kind of aggression.

I had a roommate in Staten Island in college, and I'd never been to Staten Island before I went to visit him, and I felt like I was going to a time warp. It was like I go to the Staten Island mall, and I'm looking around like, oh my God, they all had mullets.

No, it was currently. Saturday night fever everywhere. It was crazy, and they all talk real New York-y. No, it's like they're still wearing brown leather jackets from Donnie Brosco. I swear to God they are in certain areas. That's why when they had

that show Mob Wives, but they all lived in Staten Island. I'm like, how mob wivy can they be if they're living in fucking Staten Island? It's like the Galapagos Islands

over there. They've evolved in isolation. No, but I lived up the block from one of the mob wives where I used to live. Her house was in a corner from me

and I just walked very quickly by her house. I just, her house was just right there. I'll tell you one thing about Staten Island. They got some smoking chicks out that way. Really? Oh, yeah, they do. Have you ever bagged a Staten Island chick down?

I never did, never did. No, that's not my, you know, they like a guy that's like a Joey, but a fugu type. No, not me. I do horrible out there with my own woman out there. Are you married? No. I don't want to be. I'd rather with my own woman out there. Are you married? No. I don't want to be. I'd rather have some cash and live happily.

Are you a working stand-up comic? I do as much as I can. Actually, what do you call it? I went to California twice in the past few months. I was out there. Had some meetings. I did some stuff at the UCB in LA. I love it out there. Oh, by the way, do you know that the New York Magazine came out with a list

of the top three comedy clubs in the city? And we were rated. You're not on it? No. Why? We're rated number three. Oh, God. Oh, I think.

Yeah, I think I read that. Was it Caroline? I feel the backlash has begun. No, it's just New York Magazine. Anything you read in New York Magazine, you know, it's just silly magazine. Years ago, they did like the funniest comedians you've never heard of. And I wasn't on the list, and I was pretty upset about that. Well, maybe they heard of you.

But no, no. The other people on the list were at my level of notoriety. This is what they ranked us. This is Union Hall was ranked number one. What the fuck is that? It's like a hipster place It looks like a bowling alley from the 70s In Park Slope

That's because hipsters write for New York Magazine And they live in Brooklyn To be the best comedy club in New York City Which is basically to be the best comedy club In the most important comedy city You have to have the best talent working there And I don't know anybody, except maybe Dan Sauter, I think, from time to time has done

some sets out there. Who works there? How can it be the best club when the best people don't work there? What's number two? Number two is Upright Citizens Brigade. Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. I mean, that's kind of apples and oranges. These aren't really comedy clubs. These are just places

where they have comedy shows and they have other kinds of shows, right? It's not fair to you guys because they're not comedy clubs traditionally. I mean, one's like a Brooklyn bar. The other's like been around forever and it's more improv and stand-up. Ted Alexandro's here just in time.

You're giving too much weight to anything written in stupid New York magazine. First of all, we were rated number three in New York Magazine, Ted. Number three. Comedy Club. In the world or in where? In New York City.

I disagree with. You guys are number one everywhere. Well, thank you, Ted. What a guy. I love this guy. Sincerely, I mean, like what's. Number one is Union Hall in Brooklyn, Park Slope. I disagree.

Okay. Do you know Mike? Oh, yeah. I disagree. Okay. Do you know Mike? Oh, yeah. Of course. Dude, we all know Mike. We did Teachers' Lounge. I did an episode of Michelle. And number two is UCB on 26th Street.

No, this isn't like in a hipster publication. Exactly. That's what I said. It's hipsters write and read and that's why. And then I'll read you the Comedy Cellar. It says, That's it. A holdover from the boom.

The Comedy Cellar has become a force over the last decade or so. Thanks in no small part to Louis C.K. There are many frustrating things about the Comedy Cellar, namely the cost with weekend tickets running $20, not including a two-night minimum. What is that? It's hipster. It's hipster. Everything's free and PBR and dollar beers. And that's why.

Roll and rock. People expect things to be free. I mean, it's free, and PBR, and dollar beers, and that's why. Roll and rock. People expect things to be free. I mean, it's crazy. And during the week, we're like, $12, right? Pretty cheaper than a movie. And an audience made up, I don't think it's largely made up of tourists. Well, it is largely made up of tourists, I think. No, it's not. There's a significant

number of tourists, but it's not largely made up of tourists. Well, you think most of the audience is New York City people? Local, not... Well, depending on how you define tourists. Well, you think most of the audience is New York City people? Local, not... Well, depending on how you define tourists. I mean, if you define tourists as anybody that's not from New York City or anybody that's not from... When you go on, I think that... Well, I'm not going on tonight, but... I think most of the...

I'd say at least 50%. Well, we have at least... Usually there's at least two people from Finland in the audience. You've got two people from Finland. Lord knows how many people from Maryland. Well, audience aside, I mean, like, let's talk about the comedy. Like, UCB is not even a comedy club. No, it's more improv. Yeah, it's improv.

Why is that at the top of the list of a comedy club? And then number four is Littlefield. What's that? Yeah, it's another hipster club in Brooklyn. These are all alternative rooms. They're good, but they're not in the same class as the cellar or most comedy clubs. And number five is Annoyance Theater. So actually, having you telling me that.

I've played all of them, by the way. I actually think that they actually really like us. Because if this is all like hardcore alternative, like kumbaya type stuff, then the fact that they went outside that for us is actually kind of a tip of the hat. So I take it back and I appreciate it. They couldn't ignore it. I think they were dying to not put the comedy seller in it. You're right.

It is a good thing in a way because they're very weird with people. They're very uppity-tooted with what their comedy is. You know what I mean? If they put you in, they like you a lot then. But I do. I agree with you because I think that one of the things

that people would say about the Comedy Cellar is that despite all its fame, it somehow manages to feel like a homegrown, grassroots kind of place still. I'll tell you what they say about the Comedy Cellar.

It doesn't feel like touristy. My God, how much does Noah make? That's what you said. Ted says that about everybody though. I've never said that, as a matter of fact.

Dan actually has done the math. Well, According to figures he's come up with in his sleep I've calculated the revenue What I can't calculate of course is the net profit but I certainly have my idea and I say

God bless you Noah God bless you, you know you created this great place You didn't create it but you didn't kill it. No. You know, which is worth something, I guess. I've grown it. I've grown it.

No, but you had something great and kept it great. That's harder than anything when you think about it. Yeah, I thank you. And the truth is, we're the highest paying club, right? That's right. And so, you know, and I think we're significantly the highest paying club. But not higher than those other three mentioned in the article. Really?

No, I'm kidding. Oh, no. Stop. They pay $900 a bottle. That's right. And, you know, we do everything we can. Well, it's going to be even a better place for the comics when the new kitchen opens up, which, judging by the way it looks now, which is like Dresden in 1944,

I don't know if it's going to be ready anytime soon. Can I pay Ted Alexandro a huge compliment? No, please. Oh, I mean, yeah, please. Now, I've been a Ted Alexandro fan for a long time. The first time he really came on my radar was at that benefit for Geraldo's family at Radio City, where he just kind of dominated.

And it's always interesting when you see a comedian who you know from the comedy cellar in a very confined thing on a big stage, because it's a totally different thing. And I just remember Ted kind of expanded to take up the whole big stage. I remember I texted Linda. I said, Ted was masterful. That was the word that I used. Thank you.

But that's not the comment. So the comment I want to get, Ted is extremely politically active. Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, yes. If you were to do a diagram of his brain, I think the politic thinking probably takes up more space than the comedy thinking. I would agree with you there. It must be excruciatingly tempting for him to go on stage and spout those half-baked liberal ideas

that anime. No, but honestly, do you notice that Ted Alexander is never preachy on stage? Well, is that a compliment or is that just an observation? Well, it's a compliment because I know he must be tempting and it has to be a conscious decision not to do that. But I don't think it's good or bad. I think it

just is. I think if he went and talked about what he believes, that would be fine, too. If I had started by, I have a criticism of Ted Alexandro, Dan would have said, no, that's a compliment. No, I wouldn't have. No, I wouldn't have. I give credit when it's due. I think, didn't I just say? And it's not due here.

Didn't I just say two minutes ago that you didn't destroy the comedy cellar? Yes, thank you. Go ahead. Go ahead, Ted. Well, thank you for both of those compliments. I would say that I don't like comedians who are preachy on stage. I don't like watching that. And I don't consider myself a preachy person.

I have my thoughts about politics and society and social justice. Well, you're a little preachy on Facebook. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit? Well, everyone's preachy on Facebook. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit? Well, everyone's preachy. Facebook is the place to share your opinions. Is it preachy to say what you believe?

I mean, you don't agree with much of what Ted says. I don't agree with a lot of what Ted says either. I've written some of these long, what do you call them? I mean, would you have thought Harriet Beecher Stowe was preachy in her day? My point is this, to answer your question, as far as the stage goes. For me, I don't think the stage is for, I don't like to use the stage for that. If I can find something that makes a point that is funny, to me, the comedy is always paramount.

If it also makes a point, then that's great. But if it kind of veers into that preachiness, I don't like watching that, and I don't like feeling like that on stage. Yeah, that's what I assumed is what's going on with you, and that's what I was complimenting,

because every other comedian I know who feels as strongly about things like that, and you know what, especially if it's social justice who feels as strongly about things like that, and you know what, especially if it's social justice that they feel strongly about, that's almost impossible to hold inside. They all spout it out, and most of them haven't even thought as deeply about these things

as you have, and Ted was camped out during Occupy Wall Street. I mean, Ted actually lives it, you know? Well, what's interesting is that you can kind of find a niche like that. And, you know, if I chose to go that route, I could probably have that following or whatever. But I don't like it. Like, someone tried to hire me for this gig where they're like, you're a political comedian. And I'm like, I'm really not.

You know, I'm, I guess politically, I don't even like politics. You know, like, it's more about social justice, you know? So, yeah, so I don't, I don't even like politics. It's more about social justice. Yeah, so I don't define myself that way. I mean, I think about these things, but I don't define myself that way. I love it because you're fearless, which is good. I love people with guts. Well, thanks, Colin. You know what I mean? Most people are like, I hate American history.

I think half of it's bullshit, actually. Right. We were fed in school about Columbus being a big hero. You know what I mean? Most people are like, I hate American history. I think half of it's bullshit, actually. We were fed in school about Columbus being a big hero. You know what I mean? You find out what a bloody pirate that he was years later. You know what I mean, right? I said it on stage one day. You don't say that on Staten Island, do you?

Oh, yeah. I don't care. That's risky. Everybody understands. I'm like, Chris, he's cool. I'm like, no, he's a bloody, filthy pirate. They're, like, devastated. You're not going to get any argument from Ted on that. I don't know much about Comets.

I'll tell you this. He was a hell of a mariner, I would imagine. I don't know. He landed, I think, in Haiti. The fact that he landed anywhere is pretty impressive. In those tubs with no navigation, no GPS. But without getting into too much of that, I disagree with you, Noam, in so far as I don't consider it...

Well, I'm entitled to disagree with you. Of course. I think I probably agree with you more than I disagree with you. Go ahead, what do you disagree with? But you remember the disagreements. Get to it. I disagree that it's necessarily...

If Ted... If a comic really feels something, I don't mind. I don't think it's a bad thing that they say it on stage. Now, a lot of comics are misinformed imbeciles, I don't mind. I don't think it's a bad thing that they say it on stage. Now, a lot of comics are misinformed imbeciles, and that I mind. I mind being an idiot. Yes.

If you're an idiot, I mind that. Well, I don't mind if it's funny, though. Well, if it's completely ill-informed, it's going to be hard to make it funny. I don't think that ill-informed nonsense, it's hard to make that funny if it has no grain of truth to it. I don't know. If you're spouting it as truth. If you're kind of making fun of yourself in the process, that's funny. You're winking at it a bit, yeah.

There's that, and also there's kind of like some things, it's like when the comedians are making their jokes about gay marriage, which is designed to get everybody to applaud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of like empty calories to me, too. Yeah, pandering. What genius, you know? Now you're talking about pandering.

But if something is a belief that's held, sincerely held, and you want to talk about it on stage, I don't see that that's necessarily wrong. So why don't you talk about Occupy Palestine a little bit on stage, Dan? Occupy Palestine? I'm saying like, you don't talk about your beliefs

that you hold strongly about. You know my act, Norman. My act is what it is. My act is just about fun and keeping it light. We had this discussion last week. You're not wrong that I could maybe try

to be a little more sincere and real, but for now, my act is what it is. It's about, you know, go to the end of the block and turn gay, you know. I actually think you're agreeing with me about Ted. I failed to see the disagreement.

Well, the disagreement is you consider it a compliment that he is not political on stage. I consider it a neutral observation that he's not political on stage. Okay. Well, here's the thing. I would disagree that I'm not political. I think I am, but I'm very selectively political. I've done stuff about Occupy.

I've done stuff about police brutality. I've done stuff about gay marriage. I've done stuff about all these things, but it's not even the majority of what I do, but if I hit on something that I think is funny and makes a point in an interesting way, then I'll explore it,

but I wouldn't define myself as a political comic. I certainly wouldn't either. Let me put it another way. For a guy who's out there, and then we'll move on. For a guy who's out there in Occupy Wall Street and feeling the burn and going on all the things.

Nobody's feeling the burn like Ted, I'll tell you. Spending a lot of his time on these issues. Then he goes to work and he has a soapbox. He has a fucking soapbox with a captive audience, you know, a big crowd. And it's got to be time. And he resists it unless he has something really tight and funny.

He's resisting it. I don't know that he's resisting it. He's doing what he thinks the audience will respond to and what he wants to do. Yeah, no, just I wouldn't say, I would say that I'm doing what feels authentic to me, you know, like to do anything otherwise would if I was trying to be political, that wouldn't feel authentic to me. Or if I was leaving it out altogether, that wouldn't feel authentic. So I don't think you're struggling with this. Well, I really want to.

But no, I'm not. What I'm struggling with is when I'm sitting writing, sometimes, how do I make it funny? How do I take this to the stage in a way that feels authentic and not preachy and not heavy-handed? You know, it has to be funny. So that's what I struggle with. The only thing I've ever seen Ted go awry of good judgment

was when he encouraged all the comedians to strike for higher spot pay. Right. But that was a long time ago, Ted. I was a boy who was a bridge. I seldom use the word hero, but that was,

that we all are grateful for Ted. And I probably won't use the word hero now either. Using the word all very carelessly. But we are all grateful in the comedy world

for what Ted did some 10 years ago now. Has it been 10 years already? Yeah. Well, 10 the second time with Russ and the other guys, but probably 14 years the first time. Ted has been manning that barricade for a long time. Well, you know what I would say as far as comedy clubs? If I played those other clubs on the list that you mentioned,

that kind of comedy would be more than welcome there of just like the preachy, one note, you know, playing to the, like a home game. Right. You know what I mean?

That's what I like about comedy clubs is it's not a home game. You don't know who's gonna, it's not a homogeneous crowd. It's not all students, all this, all that. It's,

it's like, you, in a way, your comedy has to find more of the, the Venn diagram of overlap of different perspectives. You know what I mean? Mikey, I haven't seen your, your stand up in a way, your comedy has to find more of the Venn diagram of overlap of different perspectives. Mikey, I haven't seen your stand-up in a while, but it's sort of a set-up, punchline kind of a stand-up.

You're not politically minded. No, I'm very to the punch. I wanted to talk about Ted one second. What I love about him is you truly believe in what you're doing. That's what I love about you because it's not like you're going out there. Mikey, speak a little bit more. I'm sorry. Going out there like Ken flies out to your shows just to capitalize on something.

You know what I mean? Thanks, pal. Some people, other people take advantage. Are you kidding me? Well, yeah. I mean, I just look at it as. Some people know they're on the list of 20,000. They're assholes.

Sorry, I don't know if I can curse. No, you can curse. No, no, no. Jim Norton is giving me. He's looking at me, and I must say it puts me ill at ease. There he is. Jim has an aura of intimidation. Jim intimidates people. It's nothing you're doing.

It's just that you do. It's just that you intimidate people. Enjoying the chat. I know. That's the scene. It was just the emphasis he put on chat. The emphasis? Was that a joke?

Oh, okay. Let me ask you, Ted. How scared are you that President Trump is going to be around soon? Well, I mean, let's face it. How many people are really scared of a nominee? Like, what do I have to be scared of? You know, it's like a lot of what i do is really advocating for people who will suffer or are suffering more than i am you know right if we're talking about america being inclusive and being a place where everyone has a shot at the american dream and is it a democratic society

uh you know the things that occupy was about the things that bernie sanders campaign is about is about a democratic society where things are not rigged, like elections. At the very broadest sense. Am I hearing that there's certain things that Trump is saying that you actually reverberate a little bit to? I have a friend,

I don't know if I ever introduced you to him, he's my roommate in law school, and he's far left, almost exactly like you. And we're very good friends. And I see him not totally rejecting Trump. When he hears Trump talking about the trade deals and the working class and the outsourcing of jobs and all that stuff, he feels that Trump champions, feels those issues more than he thinks Hillary actually does. He just doesn't, he's cautious about Trump's temperament, I think, as we all are. Yeah, well, like, let's put it this way.

In no way do I think Donald Trump is qualified to be president of the United States of America. But that said, sure, he does speak some of the populist things that maybe there's overlap of Bernie in terms of he will say that things are rigged. The economy is rigged that, you know, he donated to both Republicans and Democrats. He plays the game. So as a guy who's been in business for a long time, he's uniquely qualified to talk about that environment and how it is rigged. But yeah, that said, no, I don't see him as qualified at all. And I do think there is a lot to be afraid of for- Mostly personality issues with him, right? his finger on the button is kind of scary. Well, I mean, that's kind of almost like a caricature, right? Finger on the button.

I don't think anyone... I don't think anyone... Like, you know, maybe Bush going to war the first time in Iraq after 9-11. That's the closest that you could say, like, finger on the button. No, I'm thinking Cuban Missile Crisis, except instead of Kennedy, it's Donald Trump.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, because... Yeah, Crisis, except instead of Kennedy, it's Donald Trump. Yeah, yeah. I don't think that could happen now. Different history. Go ahead, Mike. I know you've got to get scared shitless. With other countries, when somebody starts making speeches in a suit, it's cool, but once they put on a military uniform, you've got to fucking run for the hills.

Did Trump put on a military uniform? Not yet. He's saying in other countries where the dictator's in a suit, you're like, okay, but... He's wearing an Amani suit now, but if he starts wearing General Patton's fucking belt... You know, I think the whole Trump is...

I texted Dan. Dan didn't even dignify it with an answer. But I made a whole Trump parody. I was bored on my... Oh, I don't think I saw that text. Because I was thinking that... I'll text. Because I was thinking that... I'll find it. I was thinking that this whole thing about Trump being a fascist

and comparing him to Hitler is so overblown, you know? And there was that tweet where Trump's eating a taco bowl and he says, you know, the best taco bowl that Trump has ever eaten. I love Hispanics, which is ridiculous and tone deaf. So I made this one of Hitler saying, Happy Passover. The best hummus is at the

I love the Jews. I just can't picture the real McCoy fascist. I just can't picture Hitler saying, I love the Jews. He's not Hitler. He's just not. He's goofy and he's more Colonel Klink than he is Hitler. That's what I think he is.

It's like, when he has speech, I feel like getting cotton candy and going to the circus. Yeah, exactly. And I think that if he had a magic wand to, it's pretty good. I did a pretty good job at Facebook, photoshopping. If he had a magic wand

and he could do what he wanted in the country, you know, it would not be concentration camps or anything remotely like that. Would we control the border? Yeah. Would we take steps, maybe overzealous steps, to make sure that people who are Islamic are not sympathetic to terrorists or dangerous? Yeah, he might go too far in that direction, but it's motivated out of trying to keep us safe, not out of any kind of, I think, organic hatred that he has for any religion.

I think because he is goofy on the surface, I think it's almost like putting a benign face on really, like, white supremacy or, like, the, you know,

between the things that he said about Mexicans and immigrants. That was terrible, right? And what was the other thing about... He said all kinds of shit about people.

It's horrible. Black, yeah. They didn't really say anything about blacks. Did he say something about black people? Not really, no. And about... Let's face it. I'm sure he said something. Yeah, but so basically... You see, the super predator thing didn't bother me

either. Well, because it's code language to appeal to a certain population, right? To get people to vote for you. It appeals to me. Right, exactly. Sure. Dude, you know what? This is where you're not saying, now, Dan, listen.

I lived in New York City in the 90s. I think you did, too. Yeah, sure. When it was really, really dangerous. Everybody I know had been mugged. And the racial profile of those people who were doing the muggings, we know what that racial profile was.

But don't you think that that's just overblown kind of hyperbole? Like, black people, you'd be scared of black people or be scared of immigrants. Come on. They're not controlling the economy. It is what it is. But whatever color they were, they were super predators, was not a horrible description of what it is that we were worried about when we were walking home or driving home. I used to stop in the Willis Avenue Bridge when I was driving home alone, and the car would be descended by these scary-looking guys.

Yeah, they were black, but scary-looking guys, you know, hitting me up for money all alone in the middle of the night. And these were the milder end of what was going on. And what I feel that liberals do often is that they make the terms, like some term, you know, illegal alien or super predator. They put a wall around that word. So you can't say that and make it impossible to discuss the issue. I think you guys should tell us, okay, don't call them illegal aliens. Call them this.

Don't call them super predators. But you know what we're talking about. Call them this. And we'll use those terms just so we can talk about the issue hillary's like it was really bad crime it was bad but the issue is really a shell game right because they use the terms like that to sign a crime bill that then kind of ushers in a phase of mass incarceration where millions of black and brown people are put into the prisons right because of it's it's a for-profit prison system so that you have to fill those jail cells.

So a simple phrase like super predator, yeah, like, okay, if you want to get into the language of not all black people are this or that, obviously. But what it did was it got people to vote for her and to vote for the crime bill and ushered in this phase of mass

incarceration. What do you think, Dan? What do I think? What particular aspect of what do I think? I know you don't like to talk about politics. Well, no, I agree with you on, you know, I'm more in your camp on this issue. And then when Ted starts getting into the incarceration, he kind of loses me a little bit.

I want to tell you guys a story that I heard on the radio today. Yeah, go ahead. This is a reverberate. Did you know this? You might have known it already. Calamari is caught. They're the squid. Yes.

You knew that already? No, no. Calamari is caught on the coast of California, apparently. It is frozen into ice blocks on the ship. And years ago, it was then taken to Cannery Row, I think they call it, which is, you know, like... Sure, yeah, John Steinbeck wrote a... No more.

They take the ice blocks, they ship them to China. In China, they are defrosted, cleaned and processed, everything in China, because the labor is cheap. Then it's refrozen, brought back to America, defrosted again, and then, I guess, put in whatever and sold to market. That is how much the difference in labor has come, that it's cheaper to actually ship it to China. For all the work. So I don't know if this is more liberal than you

or less liberal than you, but I think under that circumstance and with all the automation which is coming online, it's insanity to raise the minimum wage. They ought to leave the minimum wage right where it is and the government should write a check to people who can't get by. Like my kid with Juanito, you know,

he doesn't need to be making $15 an hour living at home canning, I mean, bagging groceries. Canning calamari. Canning weed in his bedroom. Bagging groceries. He can't compete with China. No, he's bagging groceries. You're paying $15 an hour.

They're going to get a robot to bag the groceries. Right. But a family man who's making $11 an hour can't make it? Write him a check from the Treasury. I would say both. I'd say do both. Make it $15 an hour and write a check. But if you make it $15 an hour, the jobs are just going to keep going overseas. But that's not true.

That's not true. They've done it in, I think, Seattle. Yeah, Seattle has the highest. And their economy is booming. So it kind of refutes a lot of these the sky is falling people that say you can't. It depends on what type of economy they have I'm talking about

an economy where they're calamari based well yeah calamari based economy Seattle must have like a fishing whatever a manual labor

based economy I have no idea what Seattle I think Seattle's a high tech tech place yeah you know I don't know if Seattle's

listen I'm not minimum wage is not just so you know minimum wage is not going to affect me they can raise the minimum wage and it's a marginal, I don't know if Seattle's... Listen, I'm not... Minimum wage is not... Just so you know, minimum wage is not going to affect me. They can raise the minimum wage, and it's a marginal effect. I don't think... Marginal.

It's really not that. But just like there's a lot... There was always all that oil and shale, and we always knew that once the price went to a certain level, they would figure out how to get out. There is now all this labor in automation. And at some point, it becomes so expensive to hire people that all that automation is going to come online.

And that is going to be devastating to working people. I think it's better to let the market take care of wages. And like I'm saying, help people. Create a safety net of good. Right. Just give them, compensate to make money, make up what they don't have. Based on need, to each according to his ability, from each according to his ability.

If we're going to have a minimum wage, why should it be a poverty wage, right? I mean, that's a basic, why should anyone working full-time be living in poverty? I think if you follow what Noam's saying to its logical conclusion, there should not be a minimum wage. And anybody who can't make it should be helped out by the collective. That is to say, the government in this case. It's like socialism is what you're responsible for. Well, that's what I was going to say. I don't know if it's more liberal. Listen, we're doing very well here, right?

There's a guy across the street. I can see they almost never have any people there. Very slow. If they're holding on, they're just getting by. If you go in there and raise his labor costs by 30%, he's going to go under for sure. It doesn't help anybody. What you say is right, except that it presupposes that every business owner can afford it and they can't. You're pointing at a guy who's struggling already. Part of business is you're entering a marketplace and you're trying to succeed in a marketplace as it exists.

Then the jobs disappear. But if you know that part of your costs are a workforce that it's going to be paid whether it's $10 an hour, $12, $15, whatever that is, you factor that in to your business plan. But how much better is it to keep everybody working, examine people who have families?

But I don't think it's an either-or proposition. The only wrinkle in that, and I agree with you wholeheartedly, the slight nuance to your argument, Noam, which I agree with essentially, is that people taking money from the government is more psychologically devastating

than just getting a minimum wage that was established by the government. I think that ship has sailed. I think we've already crossed that line. But that would be the only reason, I would say, that there is something slightly more dignified about earning a nice wage than there is about getting a welfare check. Tax credit or something. Go ahead, Mike.

With the minimum wage, guys, right, some people can live better than others in different parts of the country. Think about it for a second, right? $15 an hour in Alabama, you're like a king. You're fine. $15 an hour in Nantucket, you'll be like, forget about it. But again, it is the word minimum, so it can be higher than that. Some people argue that if the minimum wage had kept pace with inflation from the 60s,

it would be like a $22 minimum wage right now. Easily, right? I don't know. I honestly don't know, but I think the mistake is that in those days, in the 60s, labor couldn't go overseas. Those jobs had to get done here. So if you had a shirt factory

and they raised your $20,000, you just passed the cost along to the customer and it kind of came out. Now it's not that closed system anymore. Now it's like, fuck it. I'm going to go build these. I'm going to go manufacture these shirts in Mexico or in Vietnam. Well, I mean, why can't we find corporations who do that?

Like if you're truly going to be an American company and they wrap themselves in the flag, a lot of these companies do, Walmart, et cetera, et cetera, then there has to be some transparency. Right, but then they can't compete with the foreign companies that sell their shirts here. So then you want tariffs. I mean, you get into this whole universe without free trade. No company is going to voluntarily make less money because they think it's a patriotic thing to do. No. No American does that. If I walk into a store and I see a shirt for $10,

I don't say, yeah, but that was made with foreign labor. I'm going to buy a $30 shirt. I do that. Some people do, yeah. Do they? No. No, okay. I believe what I'm saying.

You know what they say? They say you'll never guess the deal that I got. I got the shirt. That's Modi. Most people, when they get a good deal somewhere on a shirt or whatever, they brag about what a great deal they got. But then they'll complain that these companies are paying less money. We're all looking for good deals.

But you're also then giving, the government's going to make this assessment as to who deserves what and who gets what money. Well, they do that now for welfare and all those things. I have to go around the block and try out some liberal political humor. You need nutrition? Thank you, Ted. Thank you, guys. Always a good time.

What a guy. What a guy. As always, Ted is a sincere guy. And when Ted posts shit on Facebook, I don't question it. If Ted posts a picture of his mother on Facebook and says, this is the greatest mother of all time, you know what? It's the fucking greatest mother of all time. And most people are just looking for attention.

This guy is sincere. And if he's not sincere, he does a hell of a whale of a job faking it. He's sincere in the sense of any true fanatic, but he's sincere. I don't like when people tell me that their baby is flirting with me. You know what I mean? Like a baby will smile with me. You know what I mean? Like a baby will smile at me. Parents are like, oh, she's such a flirt.

I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't want to fuck your baby. I feel like it's inappropriate of them to even suggest that Because what if I was to be like You know, I'm so glad you said that Because I thought your baby was flirting with me And I was like, am I crazy?

Is this baby into me? So thank you for the green light With your baby I think what they're actually saying is I hope my baby is heterosexual Because if a boy baby was smiling at me I don't think they'd be like Well, looks like we got a gay baby

Can't stop flirting You sure he's not just smiling? No, he's gay Do you have a problem with our gay baby? No Just seems a little early to make the call with our gay baby? No. Just seems a little early to make the call. Michael Sam just came out as the first openly gay NFL player. I saw him on ESPN during his press conference.

He was very composed. Did a great job. I thought, uh, his choice of words was a little weird. He said, how does it feel to be the first openly gay NFL player? And he said, it's like a load off my chest. Now, do you have to go zero to 60 on us right out of the gate? Does the image of a hot load on your chest have to be the very first thing that you greet America with? And isn't the expression, it's a load off my back?

Why is he moving loads around? Just keep them where they belong. But he has my full support. Most of my loads wind up on my chest. Kevin Durant won the MVP of the NBA. And he had a very emotional press conference. He got very teary. He thanked his teammates. He got very teary. He thanked

his teammates. He thanked Oklahoma City, the management, et cetera, et cetera. And then the big thing at the end was that he thanked his mother. He started crying and he said, my mother is

really the MVP. And I thought, no, she's not. You really the MVP. And I thought, no, she's not. You're the MVP. She probably can't even play basketball because they have a WNBA and she's not in it. So you're the MVP.

But it made me realize how much black athletes love their moms. I think more than any other demographic, black athletes just effusively praise their mothers to the point that I'm like, do I even fucking love my mother?

I don't know, because if I won the MVP, I would probably thank my mother somewhere in the speech, if I remembered. But immediately after, I'd be like, but back to me, I'm the MVP, not my mother. Go ahead. I think you want Trump to be president because it proves that you can maybe one day

as a businessman enter politics I am opposing Trump I do not support Donald Trump for president but having said that I do not have to sign up to double to second

every dumb criticism of Trump that I hear I don't think he's Hitler. I don't think a lot of those things. I think they're overblown and hysterical. But I don't support him for president. Right. I just want to know,

and Noam keeps making the point that he's against Trump, but I'm not so sure. You're not feeling it. I'm not so sure when he goes into that voting booth. I get that, but I'll tell you why I'm against him. That's what I said before. Because the guy is a buffoon. It's not his policies that I have a huge problem with.

The things he says. I mean, if one of my managers were to tweet, we love Hispanics, I'd be, you're fired! What the hell were you thinking? You know, it's stupid. You can't have a stupid president. What if he had said on St. Paddy's Day, God bless the Irish, I love Irish.

That would be different. That's different. But the thing is, just to go for president right away, come on, get some kind of political thing under your belt. He's 69 years old, he ain't got that kind of time. Run for city council, mayor. It's Trump, he ain't running for no city council. PTA, something. Mayor, I mean...

Because he's rich, he's able to jump all those steps. Although, ironically, he didn't spend any money. Oh, wow, he didn't. He barely spent any money in this campaign. All right, but his notoriety, you can't expect him to run for city council. That's like expecting, you know, a big Hollywood actor to do open mic nights. You've got to jump a few steps. Didn't Clint Eastwood start as mayor of that town?

Well, because he loves that town. Yeah, but look at what Mayor Bloomberg did. He was a billionaire. He had more money than Trump. He was mayor. He didn't go for the presidency. Although the mayor of New York is actually considered a mayor. It's a huge thing.

No, I know. But I'm saying he could have, you know what I mean? I think he miscalculated. I think he could have been president. No, absolutely. I think fortune favors the brave. He shouldn't have been so fucking technocratic about it in polling. He should have just jumped in.

What does he care? He's got the money. He should have just done it. I think he blew it. I think he feels he blew it. Assuming he wanted to be president that bad. Well, he did. He spent a lot of money in testing the water. If you read the papers, you'd know that thing. I'm sorry.

No, he did. That's almost as embarrassing as the time I interviewed for a job as a journalist at some newsletter. And I brought in my resume that I worked for the Daily Pennsylvania, the UPenn newspaper. And the guy said, oh, do you know so-and-so, Ed Schwartz, let's call him. I go, no, it doesn't ring a bell. And the dude's like, yeah, he was the editor-in-chief. I think we're finished. Should I call my wife over for anything?

Well, yeah, sure. Why not? Juanita. Juanita. This is Juanita. Because we did do a lot up front with Doreep. What's his name again? Dupre?

Dupre. Dupre. What's his name? Deepak. Deepu. Deepu. This is Juanita Dorman. So this is my lovely... What's her maiden name, by the way? I don't think I ever knew. Deepu. Deepu. This is Juanita Dwarman. So this is my lovely...

What's her maiden name, by the way? I don't think I ever knew. Bihari. Oh, that's right. Bihari. And by the way, I think that I'm inoculated against my jokes about Deepu and his Eastern because my wife is also Indian. So I am allowed...

Well, it gives you some leeway. How about this? It does not give you full leeway. My children are Indian. Gives you a little bit more leeway. They're quarter Indian, yeah. Gives you a little bit more leeway, but it doesn't give you free reign. You can't use, for example, the N-word.

At least not, you know, when people are listening. You said the N-word? No. No, but I mean, I'm just saying that the fact that he has brown children gives him some leeway. Whoa, whoa, watch your mouth. I'm kidding. He's got a brown wife. I got a brown wife.

My wife is brown, baby. Your children certainly are not proper white people. What? Well, I'm just saying. My daughter's a little bit painted. What's not proper about them? Well, I'm saying proper white people. By the word proper, I mean in the England sense of the term proper.

I don't, they're not. Who is, besides the people sitting at this table? They don't consider Italian people white people. Well, we can get to Italian. We're not talking

about Italian. We're talking about gnomes, half-breed children. Our daughter's going to kindergarten next year and we had to fill out an application what nationality they are.

Yeah. I said, why don't you put Hispanic? There's all kinds of good shit. Their whole lives have been Hispanic. I was like, yeah, don't you put Hispanic? There's all kinds of good shit come to their whole lives. And I did. I was like, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. They're going to Harvard, right?

This is the decision. We don't want any of that Elizabeth Warren thing, like trying to change their nationality. You'll look back on that day. You checked that box. I'm Hispanic. I've been Hispanic since kindergarten. That's right. That's right.

But the last name kind of screws it up. Bahari. It doesn't matter. It's certainly. Dwarman. They're Dwarmen. Wait, wait. Now, is there something specific you want to discuss with one of you?

No, I just thought maybe you want to talk to my wife because... Well, how's everything going? Good. In the marriage, I mean. Oh, not so great. Not so terrific? No. Well, what's the matter with the marriage?

I don't know. You, like, didn't even get me anything for Mother's Day. Oh, he just said... You're not my mother. But what's the matter with the marriage? I don't know You like didn't even get me anything for Mother's Day Oh he just said You're not my mother He just said this was the first Mother's Day He didn't get in trouble Dude You behave like I'm your mother

I tried to order flowers It was literally all sold out Who does things the day before the holiday? That makes no sense Every guy. The worst. It's like, oh, my God. You can't get anything on a Sunday, but you decide on a Saturday to try to figure it out.

Every year I get you flowers. Yes, I was very disappointed this year. Every year I get them, and I get the biggest bouquet they sell. It's because the only one left that's $800 when everyone's bought their flowers. And I do it every year for the last 10 I do it the day before online. And it didn't work.

And this year it was no flowers. But she isn't my mother. I mean it's not like it's not like her birthday. I'm kidding right now. So the Father's Day I should say

you are not my father so I should just like not acknowledge you. She makes a valid point. The baby's daddy is supposed to make a big deal about Mother's Day. First of all, she doesn't get me anything for Father's Day. Are you serious right now?

Not every Father's Day. Yes, I do. I make the kids get gifts for you. But the kids got you gifts. No, our au pair made things for the kids to give to me. Can you not say we have an au pair? You didn't.

Au pair sounds better than nanny. No, au pairs actually are pretty cheap, aren't they? Because they're like exchange students. It's just wrong. You're just wrong. I'm sorry, sweetheart. You're not sorry. You didn't even apologize.

You didn't plan anything. I had to make my own dinner reservations that didn't even work out. I was so stressed on Mother's Day. I was working like my ass off to make a good Mother's Day for I don't even know who. Because obviously I'm not his mother. You know on Mother's Day. I was working like my ass off to make a good Mother's Day. I don't even know who because obviously I'm not his mother. You know, it's like. Noam. This is not the paint, the picture he painted at the beginning of the show.

No, it is not so good. All right. And then he was like. Good idea, Noam. Good idea. We're in the car. And I was like, all right. I didn't get anything.

Okay. It's not a big deal. He was like, oh, maybe I have a big surprise for you when you get home. I was like, yeah, you can keep that in your pants. No, no, no, no. No flowers, but you really? Well, you know, that used to work. We're in the shop.

We're in the shop. No, it didn't work. And my daughter said the best thing when she found out that my husband didn't get anything. She said, Daddy, why didn't you go pick flowers? And I was like, that's right. He should have went out and picked flowers. That's right. She's right.

You got to listen to Mila. Yeah. She knows what's up. Well, other than that, how are things going? I asked you this on a date. Anyway, you know, it's not easy being married, Dan. It's not. We don't even sleep together anymore.

My kids sleep with us. Oh, you sleep together. I kids sleep with us Oh you sleep together I hear that happens What? Like we run to each other's Like the kids bed at night We don't even like see each other barely Alright

I want to thank Alright I want to plug my wife's blog It's called Mygirljenny.com. And she blogs about motherhood and wifehood. Makeup stuff. Makeup stuff. Tips for traveling.

Tips for traveling. It's a very good blog. And she gets a lot of attention for it now. I do? Yeah. Don't you tell you got other bloggers contacting you? Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. So go to MyGirlJenny.com and you can read the story about how our daughter tried to take pictures of her own vagina. Oh. Yeah. I missed that one.

Well, I heard that one. It's a good story. MyGirlJenny.com. All right. So, Dan, are you ready to wrap it up now? I think so. Thank you, Michael Bichette. Thank you, Norman.

Thank you. And Michael, by the way, participating in the Year of the Godfather. He plays Fredo Corleone. And the late Luca Brasi. But Luca's already dead. He's sleeping with the fishes. Yeah, he's dead, though. But you're playing Fredo as well, aren't you?

Yeah. Fredo Corleone. He should be dying again soon, I, he's dead, though, but you're playing Fredo as well, aren't you? Yeah. Fredo Cordell. He should be dying again soon, I think. I'm smart. I can do things. I'm smart. Doesn't Fredo live to the end of the second Godfather? Yeah. Is that why you were watching Godfather

last night? No, I just like to watch the Godfather. They have the Godfather epic now, which has a lot of deleted scenes. It's pretty good. I'm not a humongous lover of the Godfather. It's a fine movie. I prefer Goodfellas.

I know that that's not an opinion that's particularly common. Goodfellas, it probably isn't the cinematic masterpiece that Godfather is, but boy, it's a whole lot of fun. Yeah, I don't really see Goodfellas and Godfather as similar movies.

I think it's like, you know, when people always want to compare Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle, and I was like, why are you comparing those two?

Just because they're both black, like, I get it, but they're not similar comics, and Godfather and Goodfellas,

you know, two different types of movies. I've never met a guy who didn't like the Godfather, who didn't know like every word in the different types of movies. I've never met a guy who didn't like The Godfather. Who didn't know, like, every word in the movie. You're the first. I didn't say I didn't like The Godfather.

I'm just not a Godfather nut. But what you are a nut of is Gone with the Wind. Well, yes, I certainly am. And The Strangeness of Dan continues. I couldn't even make it through that whole movie. Gone with the Wind? You couldn't make it through The Godfather? The only long movie one of you can watch is Blood In, Blood Out.

You know, this is like... I guess that's it. Want to sign off? Signing off. And remember to send us your reactions. And please be honest. It's the only way we can help us to help you. Okay.

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