The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - The Art of Naming a Special with Carmen Lynch and Jeffrey Gurian

Episode Date: January 12, 2024

Carmen Lynch has appeared on a string of late night TV shows including The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, The Late Show with David Letterman and Conan. She has also appeared on Inside Amy Schumer, That Damn Michael Che, Life & Beth and the documentary Hysterical. Her latest special, Queef Week, is out now. Jeffrey Gurian is the host of Comedy Matters TV where he has over 500 interviews with celebrities. He has written eight books, five on comedy. The 2020 documentary, Who the F*ck is Jeffrey Gurian, is available on Vimeo.

This is Live from the Table, the official podcast of the world-famous comedy cellar, coming at you on SiriusXM 99 Raw Comedy, formerly Raw Dog, and wherever you get your podcasts. Dan Natterman here with Noam Dorman, the owner of the world-famous, ever-expanding comedy cellar. Noam, I'm still not seeing any construction around the corner, but I guess there's still permits and paperwork to do. We started already? Yeah, we started already.

That was so fast. Anyway. We're with Perrielle Ashenbrand, who's our producer. She was out sick, I guess, for a time. I think she had COVID again. She had COVID for the 20th time. I had COVID. Oh, I was sick too.

Did you have COVID? No, I haven't had COVID yet. At all? No, I just, I get these respiratory whatevers. I don't know what's happening, but. Well, perhaps because of your height, there's some issue with the. With the pollen in the trees. The air is very thin out there. That could be. I have a sm what's happening. Well, perhaps because of your height, there's some issue with the... With the pollen in the trees. The air is very thin out there.

That could be. I have a smoker's coffin I've never smoked in my life. That's from the chemtrails of the airplane that you're breathing in. Oh. That's the beautiful voice of Carmen Lynch who's with us. Carmen Lynch has not one, but two specials out. One in English, one in Spanish. Can you put the mic in front of you?

It isn't in front of me. It's to the side. Okay, sorry. We've had her on before. She's a bilingual comic, which is sort of a thing these days. Is it, though? Yeah. I mean, we have Rafi Bastos, a Brazilian man who's doing it in English.

We have Daniel Simonson from Norway who's doing it in English. We have Fabricio Capano, who's, I believe, Chilean, who's doing it in English. And you? I've done it in French. As a matter of fact, just three weeks ago, I did a show with Santi in French. Marcello. Marcello Hernandez. But I don't think he's done comedy in Spanish.

He's Hispanic. He may have. He may well have. I don't know. It's possible. But he's so busy with all his other endeavors. In any case, yeah, I did it in French, but the anxiety was so off the charts that

I remembered why I stopped doing it in the first place. Anyway, Carmelita. So what do you think about Israel, Carmen? Oh God, please no. We really don't talk about anything about Israel anymore. Well, then this show should be a needed break from that. We can certainly talk about that. Need my God. Well, then this show should be a needed break from that.

We can certainly talk about that. Needed break. Yeah, needed break. Genocide. Carmen, we can get to that when Gurian gets here. He probably has thoughts on it. But for now,

I'd like to inquire more about these two specials, one in English, one in Spanish. Do they show them in Israel? I hope. Not the Spanish one. The Spanish one is only limited to Spain right now.

Marielle, is your Hebrew up to the challenge of a comedy set in Hebrew? I've done it in Hebrew in Israel. Okay. Well, I guess that's all there is to say. Carmen. Yes. Two specials. What are they called?

Cuif Week. That's the one from... La Semana de Queefo? La Semana del Pedo Vaginal, which sounds so different. Does not have a ring to it. Is that Vaginal Fart? Vaginal Fart. The Week of the Vaginal Fart.

How do you say fart in Spanish? You named your special Queef Week? Yes. I knew Noam would have an issue with that, and I'm glad... He doesn't seem like you at all. I know, but I just felt at the moment maybe now I would not are your parents that they don't watch my comedy okay they would never they wouldn't even know how to find it on YouTube um what what well we were when I was trying to name my special which

is by the way nothing's happening with that in case you're interested uh we were spending a good deal of time wondering you know what's in a name what what what thoughts went through your head when you decided to name it queef week I mean honestly like looking back now i would name it something that would have no red flags on youtube it didn't have any flags but you want to just have something that's safe i think how about queef queen at least a little alliterative well i mean it their their line queef week is in the show oh it, it is. So it just made sense. And then it was actually perfect because it's on Mark Norman's YouTube channel. So when he was like, Queef Week, like he liked it, you know.

So, but yeah, I mean, I think now I would name it something just like regular words. I think that probably does better with the algorithm. Noam, what are your thoughts on Queef Week? I'm sure you have. I mean, either it's an attention grabber and it's good for business or it's

jarring and it's bad for business. I don't know. Just as a marketing thing. As an old man, I guess, I find it a little... you know inelegant it's yeah i i'm not you know i've just always been a little um prudy about stuff like that i guess i don't know i understand that now but i think initially i was like oh it's got a good

ring to it let me just do it but yeah if if if i was on the tonight show or something they're not going to be like watch her special queef week they're not going to be like, watch her special Queef Week. They're not going to say that. I don't think they would. No, I don't think they would. I mean, I would imagine. Are you scheduled to do The Tonight Show? No, but I'm saying, like, you want to name what they ate,

won't have a problem saying it. See, now, as a woman. So what if you get up? What if Michael Cox offers you The Tonight Show? I'm sorry, Perrielle, but we'll get to your query in a bit. As a woman, I'll just keep quiet. While men talk. Let men tell me when to talk.

What if Michael Cox... Now, I could name especially anything I want because there's very little danger that Michael Cox will invite me on the show. But what if he invites you? Then what would you say? How would you deal with it? I mean, I'm sure they would bleep it and it would be like bleep week you know or or he is it a medical term i don't i don't know but when they did an interesting question they did the initial

uh checks because i guess once you put it on youtube you can do like a a check-in of what the words are like you can't say the c word and stuff like that. And then YouTube will flag you. And queef was not a flaggable word. Right. So understand really like people are very squeamish about that, but I don't, it seems absurd. It's just,

it's yeah, it's, it's, it's an, it's not an absurd word for me, but for the industry, I feel like they'd be like, eh,

can we say that? It's a great word. I think it's a fun word. It's a fun word. It's a fun word. Why are you doing that? Go ahead. I have a daughter. That's it, though.

At some point, that will happen to her, and she shouldn't be embarrassed about it. Don't you dare. Stop queefing. She probably knows what it is. She for sure knows what it is. Please, let's just change the subject. You brought it up.

I didn't bring up that. Suffice to say, it's a natural part of having a vagina. See? Although awkward at times, there's no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed. If it happens to you, I'm getting this from health.com. Not that I couldn't have come up with that myself. But vaginal flatulence, I think, is the more scientific You can change it to vaginal flatulence

I mean, does that weak? There's certain things Of course, nothing should be embarrassing. Everything is part of the human condition, but there's certain things which are naturally just humans are shy about. An infant

like a 13-month-old baby, when he's pooping, very often will go hide behind the furniture because he's a little modest about it. Nobody told him to be that way. It's just a natural thing. You guys want to rewrite all the natural... I'm not saying anything wrong with it.

I'm just saying a little modesty. It's not the kind of thing you have to, I just, I don't care. What's going on with you? We're snappers. Is there any, is there anything in your act,

besides you have a joke about it, but is it an overarching theme? I'm assuming it's not in your act. No, it's the final joke. Have you ever said, it's talking to you, honey.

Have you said that? Oh, you don't know about that? No. Okay, go ahead. No, it's the last joke, and it is kind of like, oh, my God, did I just do that? It's not like I like to queef everyone. It's not like I'm open and excited about it.

It was an accident on an airplane. On an airplane? Yes. Oh, that's interesting now. I thought it was during sex. It doesn't have to be. Well, you do it on takeoff when the engine noise can mask it. Or, yeah, there's a lot of turbulence and things happened.

I don't know. You'll have to listen to the special. I queefed on a plane. That's right. I queefed on a plane. Now, some of you may not know what that is. I'm going to tell you. I said that on stage in London.

I said, I queefed on a plane, and this woman yelled out, What is a queef? And this itty-bitty, adorable, elderly British woman yells out, It's a fanny fart! It's when you fart in your fanny in the front. Oh, my God. I cannot believe this woman knew what a queef is.

That's when I realized everyone queefs, every woman queefs. Old, rich, everyone. And the biggest queefer of all, of course, is Queef Elizabeth. But does your special, very few do, but I mean, one notable example of a special

with an overriding theme is John Mulaney's recent special, Baby J, was it called? Yeah. Which is all about his experiences in rehab.

Is your special just a mixed grill of subjects? I have an idea. Mixed grill. I have an idea. Okay, but I was, I was, okay, but go ahead. Now you're upset about being interrupted?

Let's put this show up on YouTube twice. One, call it Queef Week with Karma Lynch. Okay. And one, call it blah, blah, blah. Okay. And let's then... Really, let's do this. And let's see which gets more views.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Sure. That's an interesting experiment. I'm all for that. Yeah, let's do that. You think you can figure that out, Peril, on your own? I think you can try.

No, I was wondering, I'm asking. You look afraid. If it's a mixed grill, or if there's a theme, but I think you said it's a mixed grill. It's a mixed grill. I mean, think about it. I don't know. When you did your special, was that your first one ever? Well, I did one years ago for Comedy Central in the early 2Ks.

Like, I've done albums, but I've never done a special. So when you do a special, I think after this long, it just feels like you just do your greatest hits, you know? Right. So that's what this was. It was like my favorite jokes that would never make it on late night, religion, all this stuff and,

and queefs at the end. You know, it's just a, it's my favorite jokes, basically. I don't think there needs to be like a through line or anything.

Well, there doesn't, no, but, but, but sometimes there is like Gary Goldman's special about depression

or, or, or, or Mulaney's special about rehab or Chris Rock's special about, did he do a special about people special about people being oversensitive.

What was the name of that special? His most recent one about people. Noam, would you mind if we delve a bit into New Year's Eve? I want to hear Carmen's opinion as a comedian on the whole. Our New Year's Eve conflict? Oh, it's a little related to Israel. Go ahead, yeah. I didn't know you wanted to leap into Israel.

No, I did, because the owner of the new club is Israeli. So go ahead. Is he? Yeah. Mark Yosef is Israeli? We had him here. I don't think he's Israeli. Of which club?

He's an American Jew. I thought he was Israeli. Anyway, and Periel, you can give your thoughts as well. I had two spots here on new year's Eve. As long as you can find an opening. Go ahead. Um, and I also, you know, Mark Yosef, who owns a danger for the new danger fields called Rodney's wanted to have me on his show and he booked me at, at, uh, whatever it was 1105. And, and I, I didn't plan it right.

And I realized, holy shit, I fucked up. And I booked the, the, the seller. I didn't plan it right and i realized holy shit i fucked up and i booked the the seller i didn't tell esty that yeah whatever all right i'll blame it all on me it was my fault whatever i fucked up i ended up having a seller spot that conflicted that it was almost impossible to get from here to to um rodney's um and and you know i didn't have enough time so i wanted to move my seller spot to an earlier spot. So I said to Noam, hey, you know, this is the situation. Can I move it? I thought Noam would say. I really did.

I thought he'd say, Dan, of course. No big deal. We have tons of spots. No big deal. We'll move it. No problem. New Year's is intense, though. It's very intense. But Noam kind of rode me. But he said, well, I can't believe it. You can very intense. But Noam kind of wrote me. But he said, well, I can't believe it.

You can't be, you're going to fucking do the, he didn't say fucking, but you're going to do Rodney's instead of doing here. I said, no, I'd like to do both if possible. Of course I'd like to do both. By the way, if not, you know, I'll cancel here. Not because I have any, you know. Cancel the cellar instead of Rodney's?

Yes, let him finish. Let him finish. Let me finish. I promised Mark I would do it. Mark, you know, needed me far more than the cellar needs me. I could be easily replaced at the cellar. And I felt, you know, I felt like, rightly or wrongly, that it would be, you know, more unfair to mark than it would be to the seller if the seller could move me great if not i would cancel it with regret uh gnome said

that esty's not gonna like this and and i got very anxious and and uh and esty ultimately did switch me with jay mcbride um jay wasn't thrilled about it, but I gave her a $50 gift card. In any case. So, Bernie, your friend Bernie Fabricant, rode me about. Like, he fucking busted my balls. Said, what the fuck are you doing? You know, no, I'm your friend.

This is, you know, this is your bread and butter, whatever. So he was on your side. I didn't know he must have heard the podcast. Yeah, he heard the podcast. But I want to know, Carmen, what are your thoughts on the matter? I mean, immediately, I always, and I'm not saying that because you're here, but like the seller would be like is like even on a regular week. I'm like, I keep those spots and I move around the other. All right.

But what if you fucked up and there was no way to move the spot at Rodney's because they were only doing one show? I would say I don't have loyalty to Rodney's. It would be my first spot. And I would just be like, can't make it or if I ever feel bad about canceling, which I've done for other people,

I'll be like, here are five names. I'm sure that one of them is available here. You could have been in marketing for $50. What if he said, look, what if he said, look, Carmen, you know, I really was counting on you. I mean, obviously, you're going to do what you're going to do.

He didn't say this to me, by the way. Business is business. But, okay, but, okay. But what if it's the same money? It wasn't, but what if it were? It's not about the money. It's not about the money. So what is it about?

It's about the name, the loyalty. The seller's always been good to me. Right, the seller's been. There's more prestige. It's about the name, the loyalty. The seller's always been good to me. Right. I don't know this guy. There's more prestige. It's just the way it is. But do you feel that what I did was wrong in any way? It wouldn't be your choice. It's your choice.

I don't think it doesn't have to be wrong. Well, no, I'm sort of implied that it was, if not wrong, not exactly right. Well, I'm surprised. It was horrible. Well, I'm surprised. It was horrible. I'm very surprised too. But again, I can't believe it happened. You see, I'm shocked

that you're shocked because let me lay out my case again although I've laid it out previously. I felt that Mark needed me. I might be wrong in this regard, but I felt that he needed me. It's a in this regard but I felt that he needed me it's a new club you know I'm a relative big name

for what was going on that night at that club and but Mark and the seller could replace me so easily the seller could either switch me or replace me

either one would have been so easy to do that though of course I have loyalty to the seller uh the seller you know uh yes as a gesture of of loyalty toward me could have could have been a little bit and esty was easy about it by the way maybe because you greased the skids but um i i just i i i uh i was really shocked at your that you, this is what pangs of conscience said. I was really not.

There's a possibility that it's not about that. Like the way that the lens through which you're looking at this is one way to see it, but there's also another way to see it. I understand, but I don't think Noam's looking at it from the other lens either. But I don't, I mean with. Well, what do you have to say about it? I think that the onus is not on him to look at it through that lens.

I think that maybe their feelings were a little bit hurt, that you would have prioritized something else. It's hard to imagine their feelings were hurt. Well, apparently not. But also, why can't you picture... Noam didn't say his feelings were hurt. Well, I mean. But also, why can't you picture... Noam didn't say his feelings were hurt. Well, I mean, Noam's not going to say that. He's not, I mean, he's...

I mean, you really think Noam's feelings were hurt? I think that he was probably a little bit offended, especially on New Year's. It's also very just shocking. I think I laid my case out fairly well. I fucked up. I'll cop to it. I booked two spots that were in conflict.

Jeff, you can weigh in. We're here with Jeff Gurian who's Comedy Matters. Is that your? Comedy Matters. Yeah, okay. Jeff Gurian has been around the comedy scene

quite some time. I fucked up and I scheduled a comedy spot and a spot at Rodney's, the new club, in conflict with each other. Well, the Rodney spot,

I couldn't move because they were only doing one show and I was on last. So it couldn't be moved. Now, how exactly did that fuck up happen? Happen? I couldn't move because they were only doing one show and I was on last. So it couldn't be moved. How exactly did that fuck up happen? I told the Rodneys I was available.

I told Esty I was available. Then the spots came in. At the same time? At the exact same time? He couldn't make both. Put it all on me. I fucked up. Okay, I'm copping to it. That's fine.

I got two spots now that are in conflict with each other. My thought process was... I'll do Rodney's. I'll do Rodney's because Rodney's is a new club that were relying on me far more than the sellers relying on me. The seller could replace me with such ease, you know, with either cancel my spot or switch me. Either one isn't that complicated for the seller to do.

And that's how I felt. Now, you know, I don't think, and the seller, I mean, that's just how I felt. I was quite frankly shocked that Noam was shocked. But now Rodney's was already booked, right? Like, the show was happening with or without you. It wasn't like you were the only one performing. And you had plenty of time to tell them, too, right?

It's not like at 11.30 you're like, I can't make it. No, I mean, I had a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks? That's plenty of time! Oh, I thought this was all happening like the day of. I think it was a couple of weeks prior that I said, I've got to figure out a situation. I've got to figure out who to cancel. We all do other clubs.

I mean, I'm not the only one who does other clubs. That's not Dan. So, I mean, is it really like skin off the... I mean, if the seller said to me, look, we really don't want you working other clubs, then I guess we could have that discussion. No, by all means, work other clubs. Go to Rodney's all the time.

But how did it turn out? What happened? Esty graciously switched me. I don't know that she was thrilled about it, but she did. That'll never happen again, by the way, now that I know. But do you understand?

It's one thing that, do you understand? Like, does it make sense? Or are you still like, whatever, I can't do that anymore. I understand to an extent, but I don't feel like my position is being understood. Max, you can weigh in as well. Well, I thought you could have just taken a taxi

and gone to the other one. Yeah, Max thought I could make it, but the stress would have been just off the chain. This was OJ's defense, by the way. He didn't have time. He couldn't have killed them all and still made it back to the house in time. And the glove didn't fit.

Look, I love you, but you're wrong here. Now, okay. So let me say, Dan. I don't know how to approach this without your feeling. It's like the ice cream in Maine. Okay. Yeah. Well, the ice cream in Maine, you know, we can argue about the ice cream in Maine.

There are. I'm not saying I'm right about that, but this one I'm with. The ice cream in Maine. All right, wait. What are you want to say? There are extra non-economic, non-pure business things going on in this story. And they're especially poignant on a holiday, which to normal people has some sentimentality attached to it, which is New Year's Eve. There's just something about New Year's Eve. So if you

spend your whole year co-hosting the Comedy Cellar podcast, as well as working at the club all the time, you know, and then it's New Year's Eve, which is a nice, you know, it's just a very sentimental night for me. For Noah. And for most people., it's a very sentimental night for me. For Noah. And for most people.

And it's a family. It feels like family. You want to be around the people. Happy New Year. You know, like that you would take the spot at that club, which provides you with work and happiness, you know, and, you know, friendliness and family in a way all year round rather than go and work at the club that hasn't even opened yet. Like to take a gig at a club

they literally have not even opened their door yet. And you say, okay, it's now, I don't, I mean, I shouldn's now I don't I mean I shouldn't say I don't care I do care because I told you his feelings because it's it was you know

it's like why would he do that but it's not like I would like I wasn't I'm not walking around angry at you and it's not like I told SD you know like in

Sacha Baron Cohen and the Dictator he was like no problem then yeah now and SD did seem to no problem Dan and Esty did seem to it did roll off her back

pretty easily which if I was in your shoes and maybe a little paranoid I'd be like boy Esty really didn't seem to mind look I know where I she didn't break down in tears. Yeah, as he was almost like,

oh, no problem, Dan. I mean, objectively, it's easy to see, like, what you did. I switched. I switched. Jay McBride filled in. Jay McBride, nice way.

Well, we switched. He slaps with her. So it was fine. It didn't hurt the show, or, I mean, I don't know that it hurt the show or not, but it's just, it shows those kind of total, a disconnect, an emotional disconnect, which I, with all due respect, you know, I love you, is probably part of your personality. And that's all.

I'm not mad at it, you know. Well, but first of all, those considerations, it's not like I wasn't – those things weren't – And we are Jewish, right? In my calculus, but I just didn't want to – I don't like to cancel in general. But if I had to cancel, I felt that the cancellation or the switching for the party that it would affect the least was... Had I... You're correct about that. Were I able to snap my fingers and

Mark would call up and say, you know, we're canceling New Year's Day, I would have felt a lot better. Because, you know... I would have thought when they contacted you that you would have said to him, let me just find out what's going on at the cellar and then I'll let you know. That's what I would have thought you would have you that you would have said to them, let me just find out what my seller, what's going on at the seller, and then I'll let you know. That's what I would have thought you would have just said. I don't know if the money was the same, more or less, if it mattered money.

I mean, you know, if they're offering you twice as much money, of course, I would understand. Well, no, it wasn't. It wasn't even. I didn't even know how much they were going to pay me until I got there. All right. Let's text it. It's just that I. I just made it work.

No, no, that's better. I said that I would do it, and maybe I have a thing about canceling that, you know, my hatred of cancellation is very deep. So if I had to cancel, I wanted to do

so with the club that it would affect the Leafs. But you had two E's. Jeff Gurian, you say what? Let me just say, hold on a second. Jeff, the only thing I want to add, and then I'll turn it over to Jeff. The thing that I most remember about it was that you were going to approach a comedian on your own about switching. And that's why I was like, don't do that. That's what I said Essie will freak out about. Because she doesn't want to be in a situation to say to a comic, well,

no, you're not right for this spot. So that would have been unfair to her. But as long as you put through it back to her and Esty got to reconfigure the board, that's not the end of the world for her. The question is, have you had spots since New Year's? I don't have anything booked. So Jeffrey, go ahead. It's just such an awkward situation.

And I totally agree. It's so hard to cancel. I get a stomach ache if i have to cancel but i i wouldn't put two two shows too close together especially on new year's eve when you know it's hard to travel it's very hard to travel loyalty is very important to me i don't think dan has a nasty bone in his body so i don't think i don't think no i i don't think that i think that you're very loyal to the seller anybody who works at the seller but i just came back from vermont with colin quinn we performed together at this vermont comedy festival and he went on raving about the comedy seller about what it always meant to him and what it means to him and how important it is to him to be in this location this spot he said is. And he went on and on about that.

It was very, very important to him. And all the comics that I know feel the same way about De Sella. There's something very special about it. You know, I knew your dad. I go back a long way with this place and there's truly something magical about it. Thank you.

So I don't think... I wish Dan agreed. I'm sure he does, but it's an awkward situation. Look, that club, Rodney was the first big star I ever wrote for. I had a real connection to that club. I used to spend a lot of time there. I didn't get there on New Year's. I was curious to see what they were going to do with that unhinged.

And I saw that you were there, and I really wanted to stop by. How did the show turn out, by the way? Was it crowded? Yeah, it was crowded, and there was a good audience. It was. That's all I really have to say about it. I'm sure it was just... And they had a buffet.

I went there last Friday. I went to see a show there. Oh, you did? How was it? It was actually alright. It was pretty good. It was their official opening night. They didn't take my advice on anything. Did they redo the place? Because for 50 years, it was the same.

So he came in here. What's his name? Mark Yosef. Mark Yosef. So he came in and I told him that I always liked that room and I always thought

it was cool that it looked like a Vegas lounge, you know. And I said, you should leave it the way it is, you know,

enhance that vibe. Right, exactly. That's a magical vibe. Because it had the energy of Rodney. Yeah, it was just so cool to me. I was the only club I was going to. Because it had the energy of Rodney. Yeah, it was just so cool to me. I was the only club I was going to.

I was kind of jealous of this atmosphere. I think this is a really cool atmosphere. Now we could do it. But anyway. And no, they just gutted it. They gutted it. They changed it. I called Tony.

His old partner. I read about it on page six. I thought that Tony would be involved. That was Rodney's partner since 69. And he said he couldn't comment on it. And that's when I thought something Tony would be involved. That was Rodney's partner since 69. And he said he couldn't comment on it. And that's when I thought something weird was happening. And is that guy Greg also involved in Unhinged Comedy? Greg?

Greg Alperin? No, he may be. I don't know Greg Alperin. They opened a club in Scarsdale, and I performed on the opening night. And unfortunately, it didn't last long. It was him and Joe Matariz were partners. They opened this club in Scarsdale on Goff Road,, it didn't last long. It was him and Joe Matariz were partners. They opened this club

in Scarsdale on Guarth Road. And it didn't last too long. And I thought that that was the same people that were opening Rodney's. I don't think so. He took your advice on the name though,

didn't he? Because he was going to call it something else and you told him not to. I didn't say to call it Rodney's. No, you didn't say to call it Rodney's. Oh, he asked your advice.

Well, that was at least nice. We didn't take it. But that's fine. So the show was pretty good. Matt Broussard was very funny. He had a really good set. That was, I thought, was the highlight of the show.

And, you know, it's opening night, so I don't think it'd be fair to comment on kinks that are there. But, you know, I've been through opening nights, and this was a much smoother opening night than any opening night I ever had by far in terms of having their shit

together. Um, but the only thing I would say is that, uh, well, you should, I should, I say it's just two interesting things.

Okay. If they're interested, I dish, um, no, um, now you have to, well, it's up to you. I can't tell you what to do. No, I will Now you have to.

Well, it's up to you. I can't tell you what to do. No, the second thing I won't say, I'll tell you guys off the air. But I think if you're going to call it Rodney's to make a reference to the fact that this is a historic location, then it doesn't make that much sense to me to wipe the entire memory of Rodney out of the club,

which seems what they did. It doesn't mean anything to be called Rodney's anymore. They took the pictures off the wall, all the celebrity pictures with Rodney and everybody? There may be a few pictures, but you would have no idea you were in the same place whatsoever. There's nothing about it. How do you feel when someone opens a club? Are you like, oh boy, good luck to that? Like, it's so hard?

Or are you like the business part of it? Well, it's in a totally different part of town, so it wouldn't be any competition for you. But not even competition, just like... You'll lead the business to me, all right? Not the competition, but just the work and the, like, you know. Are you like, good for you? Or are you like, good luck with are you like good for you or are you like good luck with that? Yeah, he was pretty much like good luck with that.

Yeah, it sounds like it would be really hard. I have mixed feelings whenever I have these situations because, yes, of course, they are competition. And I want to strangle them in the crib, of course. That's not personal at all. If you were to go back to the 80s, when there was Catch Rising Star, the improv, and the comic strip, when we opened, they would have told those, oh, it's too worried about it. It's on the other side of town. Not competition to you. It's a little dinky basement, right?

Little do they know we're baby Hitler. We're going to take over. They would be right to want to see us fail. Because you don't know where anything's going to go. That's a very objective way. Personally,

I'm exactly the opposite. I have no bad feelings towards anybody who's competing with me. I think I actually look down my nose at other club owners who, you know, are antagonistic towards people who own other clubs because everybody has a fucking right to, it's America, open another club. And as long as your business practices are ethical, then if you kick my ass, you kick my ass. I don't, I don't have that gene that, that, that most business owners seem to have where they, where they personalize it. So, so I want to see them fail,

but I also have no bad feelings towards the owners. And when they come in, when I speak to them, I'm very a hundred percent honest in what I say because of the story that I told on that show. Well, I'll tell it very quickly. When, uh, years ago, when Ava, when my father was alive, Ava, who is his wife and general manager, who, who, she wrote two beautiful manuals, one for the managers and one for the waitresses here for the service.

Those days we call them waitresses and servers. And, uh, they had illustrations and cross references and, and like waitresses here, for the servers. Those days we called them waitresses and servers. And they had illustrations and cross-references and, like, I mean, everything that Harvard Business School would put these in display cases, they were so good. She worked so hard on them. And Bob Englehart, who owned Panchitos at the time, came in, and he saw the manuals, and he says, Mandy, those are pretty good.

And my father said, take them. And I started crying. How could you give him those manuals? And my father said, it won't help him anyway. Because my father's insight was, you really think it's about having a manual? That's not what makes people succeed.

It's what's between their ears that makes them succeed. So I am completely open in what my advisor would advise me when I meet new club owners because I do know in my gut it really doesn't matter if I give them the perfect advice. If they've got it, if they have the right stuff,

as it were, they're going to succeed. And if they don't, they don't. It's not going to be because of something I told them. So that's why I feel, if I thought that it would really help them, I would be totally like disinformation, tell them the opposite of everything.

But I don't do that. Or I just wouldn't say anything. I don't like to be a liar. So that's how I feel about it. But, you know, I do wish that every club were busier. I noticed lately, I'm hearing a lot of reports that a lot of clubs are not full. And that I don't like because if every club were overflowing, that would mean that our business long term is healthier. I mean, I haven't seen any that empty.

This month is different. I feel like January doesn't count, though, because everyone is... But we're full. I mean, you guys are in your own category, though. I feel like... Yeah, there's always lines here. I remember after COVID,

when everything reopened, about how exciting that was. I actually came down and interviewed you that night, and all the club owners, the club started filling up again because people needed to laugh so bad after the trauma that we all went through. Yeah. But I don't see clubs being empty either.

I see them being pretty full. Well, I would say that— It depends on the night, though, of course. You know, the other clubs, you can go—for instance, on New Year's Eve, you can go to the websites of the other clubs and get a pretty accurate picture of how many tickets they've sold. How do you do that? Well, some of them actually have seating charts. You can actually see the seats. And others, you know, they have menus, drop-down menus of how many.

There's ways. Or they're still trying to sell at the last minute. Or they'll send you an email on Sunday the 31st. Buy tickets for tonight. Okay. So the clubs were selling, as far as I know, all of them were selling tickets to the very last minute on New Year's Eve. And that kind of worried me.

That was weird to me. Do you think that the seller is just gobbling up so much business that that's the reason that these other clubs aren't necessarily full? me. Well, do you think that the seller is just gobbling up so much business that, you know, that that's the reason that these other clubs aren't necessarily full? It's part of it, but, you know, and then I want to, you know, focus on Jeffrey a little bit. As opposed to like a restaurant that has a chef that makes magical food or what I used to have in the Cafe Wild where I had music, which was very unique. In the end, we're still presenting the same stand-up comics that the other clubs present.

We don't have a moat, as they say in businesses. There's no comical works here, except for maybe a very few of them who the other clubs can't also book. But it's the name. This name carries all over the world. It's iconic. It's such a rare thing.

But it wasn't always that way. opened that had their shit together in terms of customer service and atmosphere and sound and lights and all these things that we do well. And I know that you walk into the cell, there is an atmosphere. If somebody could do that stuff, they can book the comics. You know what I'm saying? Like, I can't, I don't, my key product, as it were, I don't want to mean to say that in a bad way, like, the thing that we sell, which is you guys, is not unique to us. But even when I go to Spain to do shows in Spanish and I was just there, they're like, pero tu estas en el comedicelar?

Like, it's the name. It's not like, you know. But given that, most comics would work other clubs, he's saying. Dan Aderman. We know that very well. They'll work other clubs. Side of the scene,

never having worked there before on New Year's Eve. They don't even know the money. That's how much they work other clubs. It's a buffet. It's a buffet. I mean, it was a buffet. I didn't partake.

And by the way, all right, okay. Because Noam was gracious enough to get, was there El Molino here on New Year's? Yes. You didn't have any of that, did you? Yeah. Wait, before we,

you know that he has an insane obsession with New Year's Eve. I didn't know that. You shut up too. I'm surrounded by idiots. You didn't know. Oh, you shut up, too. I'm surrounded by idiots. So let me tell you what she's referring to. Cut her, Mike. Let me tell you what she's referring to.

I have lately, the last three years, what I've been doing is I've been closing or semi-closing the Altria on New Year's Eve, catering it from Il Molinos and inviting friends to a New Year's Eve party. And I really, this has been a nice tradition for it. And, you know, there's not that many seats in the Altria, and

Periel and her husband Guy, they get two invites to a pretty exclusive party. And... I want to go back for a second. It was before, it was even when we were doing it at your house. Okay, and what's even worse, and she comes to the New Year's at your house. Okay, and, well, it's even worse. And she comes to the New Year's Eve party.

She says, at 11.50, she's like, okay, we're going to be going now. And I'm like, it's a fucking New Year's Eve party. Yeah, but I know, but it's late. I'm like, this is a New Year's Eve party. You don't leave a New Year's Eve party before midnight. That's what a New Year's Eve party before midnight. That's what a New Year's Eve party is. Wait, did you do this the same, this year, the same time Dan was doing? Well, Mark Yosef had invited

me to go around. So I'm like, don't fucking come to my party if you're not staying till midnight. That is insane. It's like, I'll come to your birthday party. Well, we haven't done the cake. You know, cake shmake. It's just, you know, you might want to leave. You wait until the cake is cut.

That's what you do at a birthday party. But do you acknowledge that this has nothing to do with the fact that I had two exclusive invites or whatever you want to call them? This goes back to. I'm saying this has nothing to do with my hang-up about New Year's Eve. This is you and you and your total lack of social IQ. Larry David would love this. These are scenarios for Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Let me tell you something. Okay, Jeffrey. Yes. What is new with you? We've talked about how you almost died, how you had a widow... A widow make a heart attack. And COVID, he was hospitalized.

Single pneumonia wasn't good enough. I had to have double pneumonia. And I wound up in the hospital next to a guy from Wuhan, China. That can't even happen to a person. I'm in bed next to a guy. It's probably the most likely place in the world to wake up.

I'm laying there next to patient zero. Anyway, yeah, it gave me jokes for my act um a lot of stuff is happening i shot a pilot recently an independent pilot am i allowed to mention another club's name yeah of course we shot it at gotham comedy club chris mazzilli came on board and it's called the raw side of comedy and it's a competition slash reality show so we we started with 30 comics narrowed it down to 10 put them in an airbnb they didn't know it was going to be an airbnb and and it's a really fun show it's in the editing stages right now tomorrow i'm leaving to perform in the sunshine comedy festival in tampa florida and i'm also the official interviewer there. I do, you know, the red carpet stuff that I do.

And, excuse me, as I said, I just got back a couple of weeks ago from Vermont with Colin Quinn. We spent five hours in the car and had the best time. He's so great. He's fantastic. Yeah, he's such a great guy. And he and I, we're friends for like 30 years. So after they asked me to come, they said,

could you help us get a big star? And I said, who would you like? And they said, by any chance, you know Colin Quinn? So I was able to make that happen. And we had the best time. And I starred in Joe DeRosa's music video. Do you know Joe? I know Joe. The guy who owns the sandwich shop. Yeah, he's got a band called Salsa Windfall. He's got a band. I didn't know he was a musician. Yeah, most people don't know that.

And he just did a thing at Arlene's Grocery. Like you, he's a musician. He's also, most people don't realize, he's Arabic. Well, he's part Egyptian, but he was adopted by Italian. Because DeRosa's an Italian. But he does the Arab comedy. Oh, does he? I didn't know that. That's how I found out, yeah. So he opens for the comedy show. Oh, does he? Oh, does he?

I didn't know that. That's how I found out, yeah. So he opens for the impractical jokes. I'm just trying to get back to Israel in some way. I know. Yeah, we could do that. I love Israel. Well, you know, if you want to tie it in, there's numerous comedy shows that are being done

to raise money for Israel. I know Stand Up New York is doing a whole tour. Yeah. And he's old, and he's got a 27-city tour with Modi. You know, if you want to talk about that. Well, let me finish. Okay. And I write books on happiness.

So I have eight books now, five on comedy, one with Chris Rock. Chris wrote the introduction to it, and three on happiness that became bestsellers on Amazon. And just today, I got the most heartwarming thing. A 93-year-old man wrote to me from Arkansas, and he wrote to me how much my book, my most recent book is called Facing Adversity, Stories of Courage and Inspiration. And it's people who are burdened with terrible obstacles in their lives. A man born with no arms and legs,

who tried to commit suicide when he was 10 years old, and now he's married to a beautiful Asian woman, has four children, and is a worldwide speaker. He's a motivational speaker, speaks all over the world. So I started collecting these stories 20 years ago of people who had terrible disabilities but managed to lead happy, meaningful lives. Can we get him on this show?

Yeah, I think we can. His name is Nick Vujicic, and he's a public guy. I assume that because he has no arms and legs, he has a little bit of a thick skin, and he knows it because things pop into your head. But when you said he tried to commit suicide, the first question in all of my life. How, right?

He was in the bathtub and he wanted to sink under because he was being bullied so badly by other kids because kids are so mean. And he decided not to kill himself and he went on to lead this life. I mean, it must have been a horrendous thing. I saw him on Oprah. Now, does he have any prosthetics or anything?

He has one thing. It's like a foot and he hops. It's crazy. It sounds funny, but it's amazing when you see somebody like that who has a good attitude because people complain all the time. Look, I write these things

because I stuttered very badly. I don't know if you know that. I stuttered through my 20s and beyond. I couldn't even say my name. I could never say Gurian. And I realized one day I didn't stutter when I was alone. I only stuttered when I was trying to talk to somebody else. And I consider it grace.

It gave me the knowledge that there was really nothing wrong with me. I created a false disability for myself. And I worked on myself for years and I developed a cure for stuttering. And now I work with stutterers all over the world on Skype and I teach them how not to stutter. And it's a matter of controlling.

That's amazing. It is amazing. So I'm actually interested in what you're talking about and I used to drive people crazy when I'm about to say, but I used to say it because I was impressed by it. Rush Limbaugh. Yeah. Who everybody hates.

Perry Old hates him. She doesn't even know why, but I know she does. He went deaf virtually overnight. Oh, I remember that. Yeah, I remember hearing that. He was taking painkillers and he went deaf. And unbeknownst to his audience, he had a stenographer who was dictating, whatever you call it, stenographing the callers and stuff,

and he was answering very, very quickly. And I was astonished at how he kept a positive disposition. Then he got cochlear implants, and they didn't really work, and whatever it is, and he would from time to time, he was stingy about it he would do a couple of interviews where he'd actually talk frankly and openly about the disability

but I was astonished at the strength of character well that's nothing to become deaf when you're a talk radio host you're a talk radio host let me finish a talk radio host and you're deaf? Let me finish. I'm not saying it's nothing.

I'm saying it's nothing next to Keith Robinson. Right, and I love stories like that because most people have a stroke. You can either be crushed by your obstacles or you can draw on some inner strength that sometimes you don't even know you had and you can overcome them. And that fascinates me.

There's a story in there. I'll tell it quick. A little three-year-old boy playing hide and seek. He hides behind a tractor. The tractor's running, puts his hands in, and it cuts off his hands. The father's a surgeon, but not that kind of surgeon. He takes his son to the hospital,

and it's a holiday, and there's no transplant surgeon. So the father assembles a team, and he does the surgery himself, and he reattaches his son's hands, puts him in cast. Six months later, they take off the cast. The hands are alive, but they're not functional. The grandfather's a martial artist and trains this little boy every day growing up. And today that little boy is a famous spinal surgeon.

And he runs a spinal surgery clinic in Colorado. That's the kind of stories that I write about. Because he learned to reuse his hands. Now, I've done surgery. You know my other field. I know how- Dental surgery. Yeah, and I was a cosmetic specialist,

and I know how steady a hand you have to be to do surgery. He wanted to be a hand surgeon, but he switched it to spinal surgery. It's a true story. And he's the head of spinal surgery at a hospital in Colorado. That to me is so amazing that somebody could overcome that.

Could you assemble some of these guys and we do a show with them? Have you done a show with them? No, I just write about them. This is the book, Facing Adversity. Okay, but this is 2024. Nobody reads anymore.

You need this on YouTube. Well, it's an e-book as well. You never know who your words touch. That's the point. This man writes to me from Arkansas, a 93-year-old man. So let me just say, I was being kind of sort of kidding about the book thing, but if there's ever any situation where you'd want to actually see the people themselves, hear it out of their mouths, like this is it.

Words are not ever going to substitute. I see them on YouTube. I look their names up. Right. Can we interview them? Can you interview them? Or I would be happy to do it with you, but why would you need me? But do a YouTube where you interview a few of these people.

This is amazing stuff. It's amazing stuff. And I started collecting them 20 years ago. In 1999, I cut out articles i read stuff that fascinates me i've always since i conquered stuttering i've always been fascinated by people who have the courage i mean my problem was small compared to what i write in the book it's unbelievable there are people who have this strength and that always fascinated me that they don't let it get the best of them they take a negative and they turn it into a positive in some way.

The singles bars are filled with tall, handsome guys who don't have a date and this guy has no arms and legs and he's got a beautiful wife and four kids. He's got a huge dick, Jeffrey. That must be it. Maybe that's what he hops around on. It looked like a foot to me.

Maybe it's just a foot long. Maybe that's what it is. It's a foot long. But I'm fascinated by stuff like that. To me. Maybe it's just a foot long. Maybe that's what it is. It's a foot long. But I'm fascinated by stuff like that. To me, it's totally amazing. Getting back briefly to Keith Robinson, if you had told me, Keith Robinson is not a surprise.

It's not like one of these guys that I'm like, how did he find the strength that I never would have thought he had? I would have guessed that his reaction to having two strokes would have been exactly what it is. That is to say, to continue doing doing standup comedy. And quite frankly, I don't think he's ever been funnier. I certainly never been more unique.

He told me that he drove home the night he had a stroke. He was in such a panic that he got in the car and he drove home cause he didn't know what was happening to him. Uh, I'll never forget. I'm like, you drove. I couldn't believe that he did that yeah he's amazing he's amazing that he goes out and holds his arm and still goes out and makes other people laugh and he still drives right still drives yeah does he yeah he still drives but that's the crazy thing about comedy when i had the heart attack i was back on stage five days later i'm at new york comedy club and emio says to me, what are you, crazy? You just had a widow make a heart attack. And I'm like, yeah, but it's hard to get a spot here.

I don't want to lose my spot. And that's how sick comedians are. Yeah, well, not Dan. He would have been. I'd have probably been. Yeah, I, you know, my strategy is to try to, you know, it would be call defensive driving. You know, monitor my blood pressure, go to the doctor, you know, in a timely fashion. Because I know that if I ever have any serious health problem, I'm out of the game.

What do you mean? I'm killing myself. Well, I had never been sick before I had the heart attack. I had no problems at all. I was out partying the night before with the SiriusXM people. I was dancing. We were at Sammy's Romanian having bowls of cholesterol. And the next day, all of a sudden, I get this weird feeling in my chest.

You know, if you ever had a cramp in your calf, you know how that feels? I didn't have any of the normal symptoms that they usually tell you, like an elephant on your chest and you're nauseous and you're sweating. None of that. I just had this cramp and I was rubbing it and it felt better. And I'm like, well, you can't rub away a heart attack, you know? And so I had an appointment with a chiropractor and it was pouring rain. And as sick as it sounds, I don't like to go out in the rain because of my hair. I know it sounds fucked up, but it's the truth. And so I was going to cancel, but I didn't. And I'm on the subway and the pain's getting worse and I'm rubbing and I'm rubbing. I get off the subway and for some reason, I had about six blocks

to walk. I turned down 50th street towards Radio City and I see four cops in a van. And I go up to the van and I knock on the window. And in my best Jewish way, I say, I'm sorry to bother you, but I think I'm having a heart attack. And the cop says to me, well, I think you should go to the hospital. And I'm like, well, that's why I'm telling you. I'm not just telling everyone. I thought they would say to me, jump in. And they'd put the siren on and drive me to the hospital. Right. But that didn't happen. The cop says to me, well, I'm sorry, we're stuck in traffic. It'll probably be faster if you walk. So I said, well, where's the nearest hospital? He didn't know. So he takes out his phone and he starts looking for hospitals. And he says to me,

do you have Google Maps? Now you have to picture it. It's pouring rain. I'm standing with the fucking umbrella and a pain in my chest. Do I have Google Maps? No, I don't. He says, well, I think you should download Google Maps. At that point, I walked away. I said, you know what? I have a doctor's appointment. Thank you anyway. And I walked away, but I could only get another half a block because the pain was getting really intense. Another cop's on the corner with a walkie-talkie. I said the same thing. Sorry to bother you.

I think I'm having a heart attack. He says, stand on the side. Stand on the side a couple of minutes. Are they coming? He says, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't call them yet. Nobody seemed too upset. And I think it was because I was very calm because of all the spiritual work I do.

I was telling myself, if I'm having a heart attack, then for whatever reason, this is my path and I can't change it. And it's really weird, but I'm just going to try and deal with it. So I stayed calm. So finally, a fire engine comes along because they're all EMTs.

And very often when someone's having a heart attack, firemen come first. Five guys get off the truck. The guy says to me, who's the patient? I said, me. He says, climb up on the truck. I said, you serious? He goes, nah, we're just fucking with you. Everybody was joking.

Finally, the ambulance comes and they take me in. Two guys named Mike get off who think it's hilarious. Their names are Mike. And they take me in and they start asking me a medical history. And I said, can't you take me in. Two guys named Mike get off who think it's hilarious. Their name's a Mike. And they take me in and they start asking me a medical history and I said, can't you take me to the hospital? No, we have to ask you these questions first. And they're asking stupid questions.

Can you tell me how to fix my computer? They're asking stupid questions. Like, have you ever had an uncle that felt nauseous? I'm like, what does that have to do with anything? They finally take me there and the door won't open. I said, my life is a do with anything? They finally take me there and the door won't open. I said, my life is a Woody Allen movie. They finally get me in.

Nine hours I laid in the emergency room until some genius gave me blood thinners and they put a stent in the next day and they saved me. But that's the crazy story. Everything to kill you. Everything they could do to keep me out of there. And I had to laugh. I mean, there were times when it was very serious do they just get this so much they're so desensitized like i don't know it was the weirdest

thing i didn't embellish that at all they really said to me it'll be faster if you walk well when you got to the er did they did they take care of you right away no they wheeled me and i laid in the er for nine hours but luckily without anybody seeing No, they wheeled me against the wall. Somebody saw me and started me on blood thinners, and that's what saved my life. But then they wheeled me against the wall. They didn't have a room in the cardiac unit for nine hours. That was at Lenox Hill Hospital.

My daughters were there with me. Like, when are they going to do something? And like, I don't know. Theoretically, if you need a stent, they're supposed to do it within 90 minutes. They didn't get to me until the next day. So in the morning, I called my doctor. I said, when are they going to do something for me? A nice guy in Ayamaka came to me, and he prayed over my bed. I guess he worked there. And he said

to me, I think you have a blockage. It turned out I was 95% blocked in the LAD artery, which is the main artery to your heart, which is why they call it a widow-maker heart attack. So thank God I wasn't married anymore. There was no widow. So I was just lucky that I survived. What changes in your life have you made in terms of diet, nutrition, exercise since this heart attack? Really not much.

I always had a good diet. I've been exercising since I'm 13. I work out my whole life. I didn't do anything different. They said to me that we start collecting plaque from the time we're children. You collect plaque in your arteries and something must have happened. And a piece just snapped off and blocked my artery. They had no idea where it came from.

It was like a stroke in your heart. And yeah, kind of. Yeah. And I've been on medication ever since. I never stopped taking blood thinners, which I think helped me survive COVID. Because when I had COVID in March of 2020, they didn't know that one of the effects was blood clots. A lot of people died from getting blood clots. And for some reason, I had the feeling never to stop taking the blood thinners. I take a baby estrin and clopidogrel every day.

You should be in the medical record books. I'm just lucky, man. I got a tiny breast. I got cancer to prick. I just feel lucky that there are things that I haven't done yet that I need to do.

God is watching over me. You don't believe that, do you? I do in some way. Yeah, I do. I don't believe that. Well, I believe that there's some higher force. Nah.

You know why? If you believe that you're controlling your life, then you blame yourself when things don't go the way you'd like them to. There's something comforting about thinking that there's another force involved.

It's comforting, but is it true? Nobody knows. It's arrogant to say that you don't know. I think it's the opposite. I think if you think there's a force, oh, the force is out to get me. No, no. You don't think of yourself as a victim.

You can't think of yourself as a victim. If I don't get something that I'm trying to get, you know, a lot of people say, oh, nothing works out for me. Everything works out for other people. You have to say to yourself, the positive approach is I'm supposed to have something better than that.

And if I got what I thought I wanted, I wouldn't be available for the really good thing that's coming to me. Like I had a flat tire that saved my life once and I was cursing my luck for getting a flat tire. And when I went into the shop, the guy who was fixing it said to me, come over here. I got to show you something. He said, you see this rod? This rod was about to slip out. And if that rod controls your steering, you would have lost control of your car. You're

so lucky that you got the flat tire. And was cursing my luck saying just because i'm going away i have to get a flat tire and maybe he was just trying to sell you a new rock it could have been it could have been but i keep that piece of metal as a reminder that the things you think are bad in your life sometimes it turns out to be something good that stuff can if it's exaggerated if you think it too much it can stop you from doing things like i grew up really catholic and i grew up with the idea of like if it's meant to be it'll happen and that kind of made me lazy because i was like oh i just don't do that if it's meant to be it'll happen and then one day you're like no you make it happen no you you have to take the action but you have to turn over the results or else you drive yourself crazy if you think you're supposed to have something you're supposed

to do everything in your power to try to make it happen, but not obsess over it. Because I don't know what's in your mind. I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know what any of you did this morning. You know, I can't tell. If I come to a meeting with you,

I hope it's going to go well, but I don't know what's on your mind. So if it doesn't go well, I can't blame myself. It's like I'm supposed to have something else than that. That's all. It's not the end of the world. It feels disappointing. But if you don't believe in something,

whether you can call it nature or the universe or God, anything you want, you don't have to believe in God. You could call it anything you want, as long as you realize that you're not ruling your own life. Because if you do, then you blame yourself. People live with this. I should have done this. I could have done that.

I'm congratulating myself. Are you? Good. You're assuming that things are bad. No, I'm not assuming. Things are good, so I'm like, oh, I must be, like, no, I'm kidding. You don't have to blame yourself unless things are bad. No, everybody has things that happen in their lives that they wish didn't happen.

I blame myself. Every single person i blame to be i blame myself for a million things because i know they're i can trace back bad decisions i've made and they're my fault right because you have free will you can make bad decisions right but look i always use the example i got divorced. So divorce is very painful. I have two amazing children. My ex-wife... Don't bang that. Oh, sorry. My ex-wife remarried. She adopted two other children and had another child of her own.

Now, I couldn't see that when I was there. Those little children needed to be adopted, and that other girl needed to be born, and that couldn't have happened had I stayed. And she shouldn't blame herself for marrying you. And she doesn't. I think she does, but you never know. But look, it's a bigger

concept. It's just like, for many years... Sounds like a bunch of malarkey to me. Really? Well, it's a spiritual concept. Yeah, I'm not spiritual. I find it comforting. I'm surprised that you're not, because you have such good thoughts. He comes from a long line of... Atheists? Yeah, on your father's deathbed.

Didn't he say uh didn't he didn't he mention that you know my as my father saw death coming he did not budge from his atheism atheism you know which is did he survive the holocaust no uh yes was he european in manhattan no no because a lot of, because that's a very valid thing, that why did God allow certain things to happen if there is such a thing as a God? But the concept is that it's arrogant to say that you know that something is true or not true. We're just people. Our knowledge, our comprehension is very limited. So I open my mind, I try to open my mind to all positive things. That's why I wrote this book, Healing Your Heart by Changing

Your Mind, A Spiritual and Humorous Approach to Achieving Happiness. And it's about learning to change negative thinking to positive thinking, letting go of the pains of childhood. You know, we all have pains that we carry inside of us, and I call them heart wounds, and they affect your self-esteem and your self-confidence. Do you have any heart wounds, Peril? No, I'm good. None? So I'm the only one who has them. Just my heart murmur. You have heart wounds from childhood?

Do you have a heart murmur? I mean, just old stuff that I'd go through with therapy, but nothing. It's still stuff that you feel that you need to work out with therapy. Not necessarily. No, not necessarily, but I will find triggers, but then I'll be fine with it. Like, I'll be like, I recognize it, but I'm okay. Right. We're almost out of time, Dan.

You must have some. New Year's. Heart. You must have a few. Heart wounds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. So when you go to therapy, do you go to therapy, Pearl?

Do you talk about stuff from your childhood? No. I think when you start working with a new therapist, they like, you know, if they're good, they try to understand like what things you went through because I do think that if you have unhealed trauma or whatever experiences you have, they inform who you are as an adult if you don't deal with them.

But once you've been, I don't know, through like a significant or, you know, reasonable amount of therapy, you're probably I mean, unless like, you know, you're seriously traumatized or you've been through horrendous things, you're probably not dealing with childhood trauma on like a regular basis. Again, unless you're somebody who went through like horrific childhood trauma. Well, in stuttering, I always work with people about their childhood because that's when stuttering starts. Nobody starts stuttering when they're an adult. They all start around five, six, seven years old. And I spent 20 years on the board of a very interesting group called the Association for Spirituality and Psychotherapy. And I got to lecture at energy psychology conferences, even though that was not my trained field. But they accepted my work.

And a lot of trauma, especially with stuttering, starts as a child. It's a reaction to the stress that's going on in your life at the time. Because most stutterers don't stutter when they're alone. They can speak much better when they're by themselves. Oh, so when you sing, you don't stutter. Yeah, and when they talk to a baby or to an animal, they don't stutter. If you talk to a pet, because there's no judgment. So it's very interesting about the effects that childhood has had on people.

What about bilingualism and stuttering? Any research there? Not that I've done, but some people can speak better in another language. They don't stutter in the second language, and they'll stutter worse in one of their other languages. Stuttering is a very fascinating thing. Joe Biden used to stutter.

Supposedly, yeah. I work with a guy in Las Vegas. His fiancee is a speech therapist who cannot help him. She told him that they learn about stuttering for one day in school. And I developed this technique. It's a body-mind-spirit. It involves thought. It's a cognitive technique, learning that you control your mind. Your mind is the greatest computer. There's no computer that can stand up to thought. And we don't use that much of our mind. Your mind is the greatest computer. There's no computer that can stand up to thought. And we don't use that much of our mind. But if you can, you can learn to control, which is what I do. And I learned it. I use it to fight fear. You know, it took me many years to get up on stage because I was writing comedy for many years before I had the courage to perform.

And I had to do all these mental things in order to lead the life that I lead. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to do anything. What are your thoughts on psychedelics? You seem like a guy that might have gone down that road. Actually, I did. I tripped once on the high holidays of when I was in college. Yeah, that was the one time that I ever did that. But- Carmen doesn't even know what the high holidays are. I think that's why they call it the high holidays. I was focusing on which, what did you trip on, like which drug?

Osley acid. In those days, that was the big thing. I was listening to Timothy Leary, tune in, turn on, and drop out. How old are you? Nobody knows. I don't own an age. I'm ageless.

Have you done psychedelics? No, I never did. No, but there are people who use psychedelics to try to cure stuttering, but you can't trick your subconscious mind. It's a gradual change. You have to convince your subconscious mind that you no longer need to stutter.

There's a real need, and a lot of people have that with different habits. I do a lot of work with 12-step people too, drugs and alcohol, and there's this, you're fighting with your subconscious mind. That saying that you're your own worst enemy, very true. Our minds play tricks on us and they self-sabotage us.

Your mind very often tells you the things that are not good for you to do. And what I teach them is to learn to ignore your subconscious mind. These negative messages, it tells you that you're not enough, that you'll never be successful, that you'll never achieve your goals. And it's all bullshit. So you have to say fuck you to your subconscious mind, which is not an easy thing to do, to ignore those messages.

But it's very important. All right. Well, I find this self-help stuff. I know it works for people. I know people, even like Bill Clinton, was an acolyte of Tony Robbins and things like that. So, non-flaky

people, I have to admit, feel that these things help them. So, who would I be to question it? It hasn't been my thing. Have you ever gone to therapy? Oh, boy. He went I, um, I, it hasn't been my thing. But have you ever gone to therapy? Oh boy.

He went to couples therapy, right? Yeah. That's my two experiences in therapy. One time as a little boy, I went, I'm not even sure why. My parents are divorcing.

Maybe he was just like, they won't take any chances. Um, but the, the therapist asked me to draw a picture. And I was like five or six years old. I'm like, I'm not drawing a picture for you.

You're a fuse. No, I was very precocious. I mean, I can remember. And I knew that whatever I – She's like, draw whatever you want. I'm like, oh, who do you think I am? You're not kidding me. I knew whatever I drew was going to be interpreted by the therapist,

so I just wouldn't draw anything. So we played Chinese checkers. And then like four or five weeks this went by, I wouldn't draw anything at all. We were just playing checkers. My father and my father said, this is it. You're fucking out of here. So that therapy went nowhere.

And then I went to couples therapy with my wife, and that ended badly too because it was a therapist and she was also studying reflexology and at some point she says to me take off your shoes you seem very stressed and she started giving me a foot massage

and Juanita freaked out wow and the therapist says to me you must have been treated with a lot of tenderness as a and the therapist says to me you must have had a lot of been treated with a lot of tenderness as a child she says like the therapist totally took my side and of course juanita chalks this off to me to me being a master manipulator a lot of therapists are very crazy they're very weird they're all in therapy themselves they have to be in order to be a therapist yeah and you know But all those things are what

I call heart wounds. When your parents got divorced, whether you're over it or not, it's still lodged inside of us. All those things that happen, those uncomfortable things, you never know how they trigger you and how you react in certain situations because of things that happened in the past. It's just interesting to me. That's all. I find that happens a lot. I point out things to people and they understand it and then it helps them not to stutter when they realize that when they're stuttering, a trigger has caused them to feel like a child again. Because when they're stuttering, they're not stuttering as an adult. They're stuttering as the child that started stuttering. I would go to therapy.

I'm stuttering now. You made me stutter. I'll give you my number. I would go to therapy if I felt the need. You would do well there. It would do you well. Shut up. Because you're so anti-therapy,

you always say that it's bullshit and that anybody can be a therapist. That's true. Anybody can be a therapist. I do say that. It's true. anybody can be a therapist. That's true. Anybody can be a therapist. I do say that. It's true. I think there was a study that showed that. They say that chat GPT gives better therapy than therapists. Ridiculous.

I mean, the fact that there are so many bad therapists makes me think, yes, anyone can be one. Okay, but not anybody can be a good therapist. What I've said about therapy is the following. You've all heard me say a million times Yes If I showed up to your house To fix your toilet You would know in five seconds I'm not a plumber

Like I could not fake that If I showed up as an auto mechanic You know what the fuck is going on If I put on the right clothing And invited you into my office And told you I was a therapist You would see me for 20 years You would never know And and told you I was a therapist, you would see me for 20 years. You would never know.

And you would swear I was a great therapist. But no, if I, well, but just because you can. And you might be better than many out there. Because I believe there is something to therapy, but I don't believe it's something that is taught on a blackboard. I think it's like if you have a kind of personality. Analysis. That has some wisdom and can listen to somebody and is a good listener

then you can actually, because it's therapeutic to talk about your problems. You're also working with your friends forever. It's the essence of the 12-step program. You share personal things about yourself to strangers and everybody identifies and they nod their heads it's because that helps

them to get better because there's only me only so many know them yeah no i'll give you an analogy yeah uh okay i get an analogy pearls like a comparison you know um just because uh me as a patient might not know you're not a real therapist doesn't mean that there's nothing to therapy the analogy i would make is to a conductor you put somebody up there in front of the New York Philharmonic and he can make any hand motions he wants and I'll think he's conducting, he's doing a good job. But that doesn't mean he's a real conductor.

It only means that I don't know shit about conducting. But the musicians would know. The musicians would know. And another therapist would know that this therapist, that you're a fraud. But a patient that's not trained in therapy would not know that you're a fraud, but fraud you would be. I don't think you could fake conducting and create a great orchestra.

What I'm saying is that you could actually just... Well, I turned the... Do you think if... The analogy is not a perfect one. They never are. The point is... The point is, yes, you might be able to fool me into thinking... But for how long?

Like, how long could you fool somebody for? Forever. No, I don't know. What do you think? Okay, have we learned it? First of all... I mean, do you not believe in psychology and that there are things... And, like, cognitive behavioral therapy and that there are things that you can actually be taught how to break patterns?

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a method. Okay. That apparently works. And I do believe you have to learn how to do that. Okay. Not talk therapy. And apparently of all the therapies that have been compared with studies, cognitive behavioral therapy has the best results. So I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the basic, like you come to me and you tell me about your problems type therapy.

And a lot of those therapists don't speak. They just listen to you. They don't give you feedback. They don't even remember which is not helpful. Yeah. Which is not helpful. Time's up. How do you feel about it?

What do you think? What do you think? Well, no, I was actually asking because I was kind of impressed that you don't believe in these like positive resources and have never had therapy and you still seem like you have your shit together. You don't seem like you're going to lose it. Well. So that.

I think you're born with a disposition, and that's, you know. But yeah, there's different kinds of therapy. I had a therapist for a very long time who talked a lot, and that helped me. Yes. A lot. But she, over time, got to know me too well

and became almost like a chummy mother. And I was like, this isn't working anymore. I can get chummy and awws from my friends. I need you to stay neutral. And she couldn't do it. She was too invested. She was too invested. Yeah, that happens. Yeah, and that's really weird, too, because she was really good. And she knew me, and I was like, this is not helping me.

Do you make a differentiation between a psychologist and a talk therapist? Well, a psychiatrist is an MD. Not a psychiatrist. A psychologist. No, no. I know. I thought you were going to say the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. No.

A psychologist and just like a therapist. You mean like just somebody with a master's in social work? Yeah. Somebody who, like a talk therapist is not necessarily a psychologist. A master's in social work? Yeah, somebody who, like a talk therapist is not necessarily a psychologist. Look, a master's in social work? Yeah, a therapist. I'm not an expert, but I think I can say the following. But if you put on like glasses and a suit.

Whatever the current state of the art, whatever the current state of the art beliefs are in the discipline of psychology may or may not be accurate. I don't know. But I can tell you with a lot of confidence that at virtually any point in history, when we could have been having this conversation, 1940, 1950, 1960, 1970, 1980, 1990, everything that you would swear they knew is now considered bullshit. All right?

Everything which they thought they knew about how the mind works, what therapists were taught in school, the science that they were imposing on their patients, and everybody swore by, we know now, none of it is still in circulation. Everything has been rejected.

It's all bullshit. So maybe, maybe now at some point maybe they've backed into something and they really have some insight now that I can't say. I'm not sure that what you've just said is true. Oh, it's true. But it's also true for dieting and food and all that stuff. Things progress.

You can't eat eggs. Yeah, that's confusing. Everything changes. But Freudian, the idea that everything is about your mother. I mean, I have some experience with this, not personally, but with having people with mental illness in my family. And I saw the fucking nonsense that the doctors put them through. Every doctor has his own.

And it's every school of thought. There's 20 different schools of thought. And they, you know, 20 different opinions. Right. It's not a science. And they put people on too much medication, too. A lot of times they put them on many pills at once. I know people are taking many too many pills that don't go together well. Nobody's that smart that they can figure out exactly

to the milligram how many you should take and what you should take. And the one thing I remember from taking courses in psychology in college, the one thing that stayed with me more than anything else was that they told us that the people who get the most benefit from therapy are the people who are the most mentally healthy. That's, that's what, that's what they did. If you start out being healthy,

right? Because when you're very mentally healthy, then you're able to actually decide, Oh, you know, I feel a little better. I worked, I kind of worked that out. Right. You can process the information. But when you're, but when you're fucked up, you're able actually to say, oh, I feel a little better. I kind of worked that out.

Right. You can process the information. But when you're fucked up, you're opaque. You can't get through to them. But the best. They revert to their natural problems because they have issues that can't be overcome by just saying magic words. But I think some of the best therapists are really fucked up because they went through

it themselves. Mm-hmm. You know? so they know. There's a documentary on Netflix that Jonah Hill did called Stutz. Have you guys heard of this? What's the word? Stutz.

He's a very famous, I think, psychiatrist. S-T-U-T-S-T. Not the guy who killed Buckwheat. By the way, Max, I've been telling you this you I watch one of our shows When you bring something like this up It doesn't You know people don't see it

So it's not really Like you might have to Figure out a way to I can switch it to the Show that's on the TV I have it up Yeah you might have to Switch it to the camera

That shows it or something It's up on screen right now This is very It's very interesting He had STU Teasy Yeah Look I'm willing to concede

That Noam might be right About therapy But I'm not willing to concede That he is right about it I'm willing to concede that Noam might be right about therapy, but I'm not willing to concede that he is right about it. Are you willing to concede that he might be right about New Year's Eve? Well, I'm willing to concede that he has a point, and I have a point. And I think— I conceded you had a point. That I understand his point of view.

I think and hope he understands mine. Your position is much more defensible than thinking you can show up to a New Year's Eve party and don't wait till midnight. I think and hope he understands mine. Your position is much more defensible than thinking you can show up to a New Year's Eve party and don't wait till midnight. I actually believe that. That is absurd. That's strange to leave just a few minutes before midnight. It's not a few minutes before midnight. It's like, this has been going on for years.

It is a New Year's Eve party. I think maybe four New Years now we spend with the Dwarven. Who doesn't stay I thought's now we spend with the doorman. Who doesn't stay? No, I thought he said you left at 11.50. No, no, no. So close to midnight.

No, no, no. At 11.30. That was an exaggeration. No, no, that's not true. I mean, going back. She would. No, I would like to leave at like 10. Oh, okay.

So if you had other places to go. No, I would go home. I have no place else to go. Oh, I thought you said you had other events that you were invited to. No, no, no. You need therapy. Dan said that. You're a young Oh, I thought you said you had other events that you were invited to. No, no, no. You need therapy. Dan said that. You're a young woman. What are you going home at 10? Were you molested on New Year's Eve night

by your father? No, I wasn't. What is it about New Year's Eve? You don't go home at 10 on a normal night. The whole hullabaloo I'm not into on New Year's Eve. I think that whole performance is just like, you know.

That doesn't sound personal, though. That's good. Like it sounds like she has an issue. Yeah. And I also don't like fireworks. Okay. But this way you don't understand. And this is why because you're a selfish person.

No, I'm absolutely serious here. Am I a selfish person? Yes, you are. Because when you're invited to a party, when you leave the party, you take away from the host of the party the guests.

You know, Kant, Immanuel Kant, the categorical imperative that whatever you think is okay to do, you should think is okay for everybody to do. Right? This is what they do. If everybody left their tent. I don't need to stay until midnight for his

New Year's Eve party. It's selfish. I can do it. Of course, everybody can't do that because it would be ridiculous to have this guy throw a New Year's Eve party and everybody goes home. But I will do it because I can get away with it. It's not right.

You go to a fucking New Year's Eve party, you stay till midnight. That's the way it goes. Or say, no, I'm not coming. Or say it in advance. I tried that. It's selfish and self-centered to leave a New Year's Eve party. And what if you know beforehand? And if you think you're an interesting person,

it's even more selfish to take that interesting person away from the party. Well, you know. That's a good reason for therapy. My thoughts on the Perrielle New Year's Eve situation is, first of all, most people don't want to leave the party before midnight. So the problem is not going to arise. If you have a party where everybody's staying out of obligation, you probably shouldn't have the party. I want my guest to want to be there. So if Peril doesn't want to be there,

we're sad to see her go. But if she really doesn't want to be there... I want to be there in the beginning. Until 10. Nobody comes till 10. I want my guest to want to be there. What time did it start, Noah? Like 9.30.

No, but I'm not even talking about this year. This goes back several years. It's almost as if she just wanted to come for the Omelino and leave. That's ridiculous. I don't even eat meat. But, well,

there was pasta as well. But as I said, most people want to stay because if they didn't, there'd be no point in having a New Year's party. Well, some people do want to stay, but if people start leaving,

they're like, I thought this would be a fun party. I'll go somewhere else next year. We have to go. Okay. We thank Jeffrey Gurian, his new book. Jeff, they're like, I thought this would be a fun party. I'll go somewhere else next year. We have to go. Okay. We thank Jeffrey Gurian, his new book. Jeff, you can give us the name of your book.

Thank you. By the way, before I go, did you ever see the documentary that was shot at the Comedy Cellar? Did you ever watch that? You gave me permission to shoot a scene at the Comedy... They did a documentary about me. I don't think I saw it. Well, it was years ago, right?

2020. It's called Who the Fuck is Jeffrey Gurian? And we shot it with Jessica Kirsten at the Cellar. I did not see it. I will saw it. Well, it was years ago, right? 2020. It's called Who the Fuck is Jeffrey Gurian? And we shot it with Jessica Kirsten at the Cellar. I did not see it. I will watch it. Oh, there it is. Who the Fuck? Yeah, there it is.

It's very good. Thank you. It's available. It's on Vimeo. And it won some awards. It's a short film, like 17 minutes long. But there's a scene in there at the Comedy Cellar. Oh, nice.

Okay, so Who the Fuck is Jeffrey Gurion on Vimeo? Various books are available on Amazon. Healing Your Heart by Changing Your Mind. A Spiritual and Humorous Approach to Achieving Happiness. And what about that book with all those crazy stories about the guy with no arms and legs that married an Asian woman? I don't know why you had to bring up she was Asian.

But she was gorgeous. She was so beautiful. Facing Adversity, stories of courage and inspiration. And the other one is called, is there a camera here? Am I holding it? Yes, yes. Fight the fear. Fight the fear.

Overcoming obstacles that stand in your way. I mean, you have like a library with you. And we have Carmen Lynch, of course, her specials. Quee-fweak on Mark Norman's YouTube channel. Please watch it. The numbers are going up. Thank you so much. And La Semana.

No, in Spanish it's just called Carmen en Español. Okay. Oh, really? That's so great. Yeah, they don't know. I'm not putting Queef Week in Spanish. They don't have a word for Queef in the NISO languages. That joke didn't make it in the Spanish set.

It's lost in translation. Of course they have a word for Queef in Spanish. It's a phrase. It's not Spanish set. It's lost in translation. Of course they have a word for cuif in Spanish. It's a phrase. It's not a word. It's not a word, but it's the flatulence del vaginal. Whatever. Just focus on cuif. Oh.

And pedo vaginal. Vaginal. Durante el, how do you say it? Pedo vaginal. What does it say? Durante la semana? I can't read that. I don't have the glasses.

Es la lengua lo más bonita en el mundo. Durante el... Pedo sounds like pedophile, but what have you. Anyway, thank you, everybody. Thank you for having me. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. So fun.

So fun. Thank you.