The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Tom Papa and Dov Davidoff

Episode Date: June 2, 2016

Tom Papa and Dov Davidoff

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99, The Comedy Channel. We're here with Krista Montella, Dan Natterman, Sean Donnelly, and Tom Papa. Go ahead, Dan. You were saying? My microphone is too high. Mine's always low. You mean the volume or the... No, the actual physical height. I think you can...

Let me show you. Now you're acting like a gorilla doing that. Tom is only used to automatic things now. Things that drive themselves. I wanted to... Thank you. Mics that lower themselves. No, first of all, I have my shoulder.

I got a pinched nerve, and it's awful. But I pull through. I invited Sean Donovan. That's such a Jew. How does someone who doesn't ever exert themselves physically injure their shoulder? I wouldn't know because I go to the gym three times a week. Okay.

All right? Going to the gym and doing stuff while you're in the gym are two different things. Well, I happen to do stuff while I'm there. I push myself very hard. I go to the gym the doing stuff while you're in the gym are two different things. Well, I happen to do stuff while I'm there. I push myself very hard. I go to the gym the same way I do comedy. All right? I don't set up a second best.

You don't really go to the gym three times a week. The hell I don't. I will grant you a relatively new. You need to get your money back. Really? He's taking water aerobics. Is it called 16 handles? What do you do at the gym, Dan?

Well, I look a lot better than some people I know that I'm staring at. Oh, God. I don't think so, first of all. Snow has ridiculous upper body. Do you want to go push-up for push-up? No, I do not. But I'm just talking about physically. You've got a gut.

That would be the saddest thing ever, a push-up contest. Too skinny guy. A skinny guy push-up contest? I don't see a gut. I would call that a pouch. I wouldn't call that a gut. Yeah, he's got his, you know, a little, but not for 50 whatever. Paunch. Paunch.

Yeah. He's got very little body fat. Yeah. Well, in any case. But you go to the gym? Three times a week to get rid of this slight, this quarter inch of. First of all, going to the gym is less about losing weight and more about just overall fitness, cardiovascular health, feeling good. This is like a cage match with two Keebler elves.

I wanted to. He didn't like that. That was clever, I guess. That was great. I wanted to... The reason I invited... Sean was not initially scheduled to be here, but you know, everybody is talking. Keebler elves.

I got it. Sorry, Dave. Sorry. His gymbler elves. I got it. Sorry, Dave. Sorry. His gym is in a hollowed out tree. We are now the 31st. His trainer's name is Fudge Striker. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, go ahead, Dave.

Sorry. No, it's okay. Oh, God. So everybody's talking about it's now May 31, is it? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. So everybody's talking about it's now May 31, is it? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. And everybody's talking about Harambee the gorilla. Oh, yay, yay.

Yeah, you know, that was killed at the Cincinnati Zoo. So Sean Donnelly has a gorilla look to him. Well, I go to the gym three times a week. He's like what we call a bear in the gay world. I'm not in the gay world But if I were He'd be a bear I'm definitely a bear

But Simeon What is a bear? A bear is a gay In the gay community It's a big Hairy guy Yeah

Big hairy dude Or even bigger And even hairier It's like a type It's a type Jay Oakerson would be a bear Yes But I think that

Sean Donnelly is Are bears always on top? No, not if there's two together. They usually go together. Paws is good. You're not sure, all right? Jump in. Just take a breath.

Go ahead. He might have said, since he's small, he's sort of a cub. Okay, go ahead. But anyway, but he is... I looked at him and I said, well, he might have an interesting cub. Okay, go ahead. But anyway, he is... I looked

at him and I said, well, he might have an interesting perspective. He's our resident mammal. I'm part of the animal kingdom. He's from the wild. I have bears that hit on me online through my Instagram. Yeah, but do bears generally hit on bears? Yeah, I think so. Oh, I didn't know that.

I've seen bears together all the time. Bear on bear. It's a bear jamboree. I thought bear and twink. Sure, that think so. Oh, I didn't know that. I've seen bears together all the time. Bear on bear. Bear on bear. I didn't know the bear on bear. It's a bear jamboree. I thought bear and twink. Sure, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. A bear and daddy?

Why not? But bear and bear. That just doesn't add up. Every time I bring Dan up, he goes on stage and he goes, Sean's screen name on AOL would be Bear for Twink. No, I'm looking up the tweets because I read today some horrible, people are tweeting the most hateful tweets at these parents. About the gorilla?

Oh, yeah. Can you explain what happened? I'll explain it if I... Yeah, so this family's at the zoo and their kid falls into the cage with, I think it's Harambe or... Har think it's Harambe? Harambe. Harambe. Is that his name? Yeah.

It's his name. Like Edamame. Edamame. It's his name. I guess you've got to give a gorilla a name from Africa because he was from Africa, I guess. Although he was born in Texas. Uh-huh.

So they should have called him Earl. Texas, yeah, but African lineage. Well, you're of Italian lineage. Your name's not Luigi. Go ahead. Sure. It's Tomasio. So the kid falls into the gorilla cage.

Now, this gorilla starts dragging the kid around. How old's the kid? Like four-ish, maybe? Four. He can walk. And he was not dragging him around. He was. He's dragging the kid around.

I saw the video, too. I didn't see any dragging. He was dragging the kid around. It did look like he was really hurting the kid and necessarily... You're going to have to show me the dragging. He didn't know. He couldn't really tell whether he was going to attack the kid or not. How did he get in the cage?

He slipped through underneath. There was a hole. Slits? Yeah, there was. I don't know how. But kids will be kids. And parents will be parents and not fucking watching their kids. Oh, God.

We'll get to that. I just want to finish the story. Go ahead. So they had to make a decision what to do. And so they shot the gorilla. And the gorilla's dead. Why couldn't, did they try anything else? Did they try and get him without shooting or did they just shot?

Well, I think everybody's like, why didn't you use a tranquilizer? And their reasoning is because then it wouldn't have knocked him out right away. He would have been thrashing around and who knows. Might have pissed him off. Well, he might have taken the kid and threw the kid around while he was thrashing. He would have been thrashing around, and who knows? Might have pissed him off. Well, he might have taken the kid and threw the kid around while he was thrashing. He was already dragging the kid around, right? He was already pulling. I think he was gently pulling the kid with him.

They said he was trying to protect the kid. They said he was trying to protect the kid. The kid had some injuries from being dragged around. That's what I heard. The point is, is this gorilla, at a moment's notice, he could have smashed that kid against the rocks. I heard that the gorilla, I didn't see the video, but that kind of gorilla can smash a coconut with one hand.

Yeah, the strength is... Yeah, but you go to a zoo, and you're participating in the zoo culture, you don't kill the animal, right? I mean, if you go to a baseball game, you could get hit in the head with a bat. You're kidding, right? And the team's absolved from any harm. If Charlotte or Angelina found themselves in a gorilla pit. That was at Tom's daughters, by the way.

And what would you want them to shoot that gorilla? I would throw someone in there like a rodeo clown. A guy, a man with no dignity, dressed like a banana. And have him jump from barrel to barrel. Save my daughter. So go ahead, Dan. So they shot. They had to make a decision.

And they was like, well. There's no decision to be made. They had no choice. They shot the ape. And most people are not blaming the zookeepers. The major part of the fury is against the parents. I am confused by that. Because the parents weren't watching the kid

and so the kid was able to get into the enclosure. Yeah, that was my original question because as a parent I don't understand how your kid gets close to the gorilla thing and gets in there without... We went to the San Diego Zoo where we saw the gorillas. Beautiful gorillas. It's a plexiglass thing. You go did not miss. It's a plexiglass thing.

Like, you go down these stairs, and there's a plexiglass cage. Even that, even knowing there was all of this iron and plexiglass, and even there, you hold on to your kid because you see a giant gorilla. Right. I don't understand what happened where the kid got. They said there was four kids, and they lost track of this one kid. Apparently. I think they had four kids.

How old was the child? Four. Four-ish, I think, just looking at him. I think the article said it was four. How did a four-year-old climb up? I don't know. Somehow there was a hole or something. I heard he climbed over a fence. I don't know what the enclosure looks like there.

This was not a little Jewish boy, was it? No. African-American. Or is it one of of park where it's like outdoor. This was not a little Jewish boy, was it? No. African-American. Or is it one of those situations where it's down and he fell into it? Yeah, it was like that. Got through a gate and then fell down. Because if you watch the video, everyone's screaming like from above. Like these gorillas are down in some kind of way.

And people are also mad at the general idea of zoos in general. So that's where the anger is directed. Either at the idea of having a zoo or at the parents. There were some. I saw a lot at the zoo people as well. I saw far less at the zoo people. Tom, you tell me if I'm right or wrong. Every parent has had some close call with something terrible that almost happened to one of their kids because they were careless for a fraction of a second.

A car door that almost hit them in the face. It's very difficult to be judgmental of a parent, especially with four kids there, who loses track for one second and you don't think that they can get into the gorilla cage. You just assume that the zoo has made it

hard to get into the gorilla cage. Shouldn't there have been multiple steps to get into it? You, it shouldn't have just been, you fall into it, like you're in the jungle and you're in a pit. But that's what we don't

know. That's what I'm saying. It doesn't seem like a situation where the parent was negligent for one second. It was like a while. Like, in order for a kid

to do that, they would have had to really not been paying attention for a good amount of time. For like a long time, yeah. It's possible to lose track of a kid totally.

It happens. Yeah, it does happen in a split second. And there have been times when things have happened with us where in a split second something bad happened to the kid or they ended up in a spot

they shouldn't be in. And if I had a gun, I probably would have shot my wife. When I was a kid, I went with my friend John Engle. His father was a cover editor of Newsweek magazine. He was very responsible.

But John Engle and his little brother and another kid, we went to Riverside Park and his father used to do like these little pretend Olympics for us, whatever. And then we all went back home and we got all the way home

and I said, where's Jeremy? Jeremy was the littlest kid. And his mom says, holy shit. And ran back three blocks of Riverside Park and Jeremy was still there.

And this was not an irresponsible dad. He just kind of thought everybody had fallen in like ducklings behind him. It's a big group. It's a big group. I think it's a zoo's

responsibility to make it impossible for a little kid to get a gorilla kid. That's the point. I mean, I agree with that too. And also, zoos can be depressing because I've gone to the Bronx Zoo

and I saw the polar bears and they are so depressed. That one had like a cigarette. It was like really depressed. No, no, it wasn't that bad but it was like, they were like lying down not coming out of the,

they don't leave their little hut thing. It was like really bad. The zoos are a total bore now. They don't make the animals perform. Unless you happen to be there on an exciting day

when a child falls into the enclosure. No, that's true. Like it's not, they're not like zoos. Like you just go to the monkey house and the monkeys are, Yeah, they'd be in outfits doing tricks. No, they just true. Like, it's not, they're not like zoos. Like, you just go to the monkey house and the monkeys are, Yeah, they'd be in outfits

doing tricks. No, they'd be, now it's like, it's like all about them. Yeah. To bring this, to bring this around just to the world of comedy

as I try to do it possible, this was, this, See, I took that as like kind of a, a jab at me. Maybe I'm not, I'm being paranoid.

No, no, no, you're being absolutely paranoid. Okay, go ahead. Technically, it was the most comedic part of the podcast. You're being absolutely paranoid. Go ahead. Because there is a strong relationship with comedy because this incident...

The last incident that got this many jokes on social media was when they wanted to put Tubman on the... When they announced they were going to put Tubman on the 20. And then I think this has even more. What are the jokes about this? There's so many angles.

The lion was a big one, too. The lion didn't have as many jokes. Oh, as many jokes? No, I think it did. I don't remember that being... I remember a lot of outrage. That was huge. What kind of jokes are coming out about the gorilla?

There are a lot of jokes. We had a bunch just right now on the podcast until Dan started talking about the joke. I thought Noam was on a roll. I saw mostly outrage about the gorilla thing. There's outrage and then there's jokes. Like somebody posted

this albino ape and then a picture of the ape that got shot and the albino ape had And then a picture of the ape that got shot. And the albino ape, it said, it said like, it had a meme like, you know, blew up, you know, a convenience store, got probation. And then a picture of the black ape that was shot, you know, played around with a little kid, got shot. And the ape had a, they put a little like mortarboard, like a graduation cap on the ape that got shot.

So it looked like they were showing a picture of him graduating school. Ricky Gervais tweeted something. He says, it seems that some gorillas make better parents than some people. Yeah, see? That's pretty nasty. Because it looked like he was being gentle with the kid. And I posted. Ricky Gervais always has, I love Ricky Gervais, but he's always got some tweet.

He's a big animal guy. He's always got some tweet. He's a big animal guy. He's always got some tweet about how stupid everyone else is. That's really his basic punchline. It really is. Religious people, I mean, our parents are losing their kids.

I mean, that's always where it goes. In an English accent, which makes it that much worse. It disturbs me. I don't like that. He's hilarious. I posted, by the way,

and I don't know if it's that good, but I said, would they have shot the gorilla if it was Bill Cosby that had fallen in? Tom didn't even... Not a smile for Tom? Oh, no, I was waiting for the second part. No, that is the whole thing. I thought it was pretty good. That's pretty good.

Well, but it does... There is a real question there. What if it's just like, you know, say David Duke, for example, notorious white supremacist, fell into the monkey cage. That's a better one. That might have been a better one, but I don't know if people know who David Duke is. Trump had no idea. Everybody knows who David Duke is.

Trump had no idea. What if it was Trump that fell in? The problem is, when I originally posted that, like the association, anytime you put a black guy and a gorilla in the same sentence. I know. You know, people just,

they just make that association and they think you're saying something racist, which you weren't. Just like your story about Harriet Tubman immediately led you to the gorilla story.

No. You just did five minutes ago. It just so happens. Good point. Interesting point. I actually stepped into it by accident. I didn't know the kid was black. For some reason, I assumed he wasn't. No, the kid wasn't black. Oh, he by accident I didn't know the kid was black

I assumed he wasn't No the kid wasn't black Oh he's not black? No he is The kid was black He was? Yeah he was black Yes

The kid was black? He just said it Yes he was black And now because of that Now they're going after the parents They're like the dad Had a long criminal history Oh I didn't even realize that

Yeah like Daily Mail They had an article about the dad Oh I did not realize that So wait they originally Were going to put the gorilla On the 20? No Silly So confused On Daily Mail, they had an article about the dad. Oh, I did not realize that. So wait, they originally were going to put the gorilla on the 20? No. Silly.

So confused. I said he clearly wasn't a little Jewish boy. They were like, you have to be pretty athletic to climb a fence. Oh, God. And it turns out he was a little African American. So maybe they were only not paying attention for a second. Well, those kids will get out for money. That's for sure.

So they shot the gorilla. You've seen this story, right? That's too bad. That they shot the gorilla. You've seen this story, right, Tom? That's too bad. That's in the news. Google apologizes. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, I saw that.

Yeah, yeah, so this is part of it. There's no way we can go into that conversation without getting in trouble. And you have a career to worry about. Go ahead. Well, I can't see the story that was... It was about the Warriors last night. This just happened. You almost tweeted

that. That happens to me. Because I have to share. I literally... What do I do? Press the X, right? Yeah. Remember the comedy cellar?

That was a good place. One tweet took the whole thing down. Oh, my God. Even Louis C.K. turned on it. Did you see the next season of Louis, a shot at the stand? That was really close. Okay, unfortunately,

nobody knows what you're talking about. It was a news story about something that, you know... Racially... Racially sensitive? Racially insensitive news story. But it was a news story. It wasn't like I did it, and then I almost tweeted it by accident.

Oh, my God. Well, if you just would have tweeted the link, I don't think anybody would have... You would have deleted the tweet immediately, and no one would have said... I don't know how to delete it. No, it's right there. You know where the Jamba Juice is?

That used to be the comedy cell. I've accidentally shared shit. And then you delete it. That's all. Anyway, so you guys are on the side of... You side with the parents. The parents side with the parents. Well, I'm not inside of the parents.

The parents made a mistake, as we all do. The zoo should have made sure that you... It should be impossible for a four-year-old to get into anything in a zoo. I also think the zoo should have some, like, three plans of attack before bullet to gorilla. There should be a rattlesnake between it. Yeah, like something.

Then a condor, even a flamingo guarding it. And, you know, every day some parent gets in a car accident and kids are hurt through probably more clear negligence than this. And people are not tweeting about it. I mean, it's like, you know, it's so selective. If it's some sort of PC thing, like the gorilla getting shot, people have this outrage. And real tears. Real tears will come to their eyes. Well, I think it's because, like you said, I think people think zoos have their shit together.

People already don't like zoos anyway, a lot of people. Is there video of the kid getting in? Was the dad holding him on the railing or anything stupid like that? The dad was taking the video. Like Superman. Is that true? No. Also, this was a magnificent animal.

It was. And you look at an ape, and it's kind of like us. Also, this was a magnificent animal. And they do, you know, you look at an ape, and it's kind of like us. I mean, you know, they're our cousins. They are impressive. I saw they just take iceberg lettuce and just eat it like an apple. Scrub it. They just literally were sitting there. We're watching this thing.

Sean can do that. I don't eat lettuce. This is the ape with the boy. Let me see. That doesn't look like a black boy. I didn't even watch the video. Is that a different? Oh, he's hovering over it.

It's limp. It's laying on the ground. It looks like it's dead. Is this a different? No, this is like a montage of different videos. This is a different ape? Oh, this is not the first time apes? No, this is what I'm saying.

This is like kids. You idiot, that's Planet of the Apes That was Charles and Esther Get your hands Kids fall Get your hands off me All the time Damn dirty ape

Dirty ape That's a Statue of Liberty Buried in sand There you go that's it This is it Get me to the butterfly tent You dirty ape That's why I don't know

What video Dan's talking about But I didn't see one Where he was driving I kind of get why they shot him Because you don't Even though he was being gentle You don't know what video Dan's talking about but I didn't see one where he was joking. I kind of get why they shot him because even though he was being gentle you don't know

at what point he was going to do something. But the point is as long as they waited to shot him if they would have tranked him right in the beginning

it would have been the same thing. Anybody who's wasting their money advertising their product before videos is just getting shafted. Have you ever

even watched a single ad? Don't. This one you can't skip. Oh, it was the Koch brothers. The ones that you can skip are even more ridiculous. Is that it? Okay, this is it.

First of all, they don't know the whole thing. You can't really see it. They don't understand they're supposed to orient their phone the other way. This is somebody who didn't even know

it was a... There's a couple of videos. One, he's absolutely dragging that kid. I don't see the kid. Oh, really? He's sheltering him right now. The kid's like in between his legs. Watch.

Let me go forward a little bit. And the mother's saying mommy's here. It doesn't even allow me to go forward. Oh, there it is. Is that the kid? Yeah, that's the kid. Oh, you gotta shoot him. He's holding him underwater. No, he's not. The kid's just sitting there. Oh my God. Can you imagine a picture of Greystoke?

Oh, he's not there. Oh no, you have to shoot him right there. The gorilla runs and drags the kid behind him. Yeah, I didn't see that part. Oh, yeah. Come on,

you gotta do something. The gorilla could have killed him by accident. He stepped on him. No, that's what they were saying. That was their argument. What does the kid have to say about all this?

He's got brain damage. He's got brain damage. I hope you're not imitating the kid. I am. I'm kidding. It was the kid explaining it after the press conference. The kid gave this zoo a shitty Yelp review. Oh, my God.

That's like a big fall to begin with. How do you get in there? There are tragedies in life, and that's just the way it is. It's just unfortunate that human like for human entertainment an animal had to die that's all they were talking

about bringing the parents up on charges for negligence negligence yeah for some sort I don't think that's going to stick

I think the zoo is more accountable than the parents are yeah I think the parents yeah I'm wondering if it took them like you had so much

time this kid got his way into it must have been that he fell in. It was like you had to go to a certain level and then fall in. I bet you there was gates and then he got past the gates and then he fell in from whatever ledge. They said he was in there

for 10 to 15 minutes. Wow, that's a long time. Yeah. That's a really long time. I don't really get mad at them. I, yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't really get mad at them for, I feel bad. The ape died, but I don't get mad at them for shooting him.

I get it. It's also pandemonium at that point when that's happening, people are freaking out. There was probably like a gorilla guy who knew the gorillas and was a pretty expert and was like, yeah, if this gets to 16 minutes, that kid's going to be eating like iceberg lettuce.

By the way, um, is Liz around? Can you have somebody text her, come back? I do want to ask her one question on the air later on. She's very Simeon. Well, I wanted to. Go ahead. First of all, I guess, Tom, you're in town because you're doing another episode of Come to Papa, your fabulous radio show. No, actually, that's on the 21st.

I'm actually here to shoot a couple episodes of Red Oaks, the TV show on Amazon. This motherfucker is always working. Always fucking working. Did you set you up? I write for that show. I've written some scripts for them, and they asked me to come play a small role. All right. Tom got a successful career.

I know he does. He drives a Tesla. Yes, we talked about... We devoted about 20 minutes to the Tesla on a previous episode when no one wasn't here. Is it the one

that drives itself? Yeah. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, my God. Is it crazy? It's pretty remarkable. Oh, it's the greatest thing

in the world. Are you used to it now? Yeah. How long did it take you to get used to it? Five seconds. Get out of here. I swear to God.

You're way more trusting than I am. I was on the freeway, and we were going about 45, and you see the traffic ahead of you stopped, and you're like, is this car going to stop? Yeah. And it did. Does it slow down like we do? Yeah, it slows down better than we do. Well, you know, I think that very quickly you start to trust technology.

Like GPS now, I don't even bother. I don't think most people even bother even having any idea where they're going. They just put on the GPS and they trust that that's going to get them where they need to go. It doesn't switch lanes or do any of that kind of stuff, does it? If you hit the directional stick, if you hit left, it sees if it's safe enough to do it and will go. Really? And it'll accelerate to get around the car. But yeah, it'll do it.

All you have to do is hit the direction. Do you have like some kind of rotating sphere? Like how does it know where the camera is? This really exists. It's his car. Yeah, yeah. His car does it. The Tesla does that.

The Tesla drives itself. It's called autopilot. Now, at any moment, if you wanted to, at any moment, you grab the wheel, you're in control? Yeah, totally. As soon as you take the wheel or press the brake or the gas, it overrides it like cruise control. Another cool update. It updates like your phone. Keeps sending updates.

Oh, get out of here. There's a button on it called Summon where I come out in the morning, I press Summon, and it opens the garage door. The car turns on and backs out. It's the Batmobile. Yeah. You have the Batmobile. And the same thing, it'll park that way also. Oh my

God. By itself? Like I was at the improv in LA and someone parked right next to me in the lot where you had to like squeeze into the car. I was like, oh, wait a minute. I don't have to squeeze in. I pressed the button, the car turned on, backed out of the spot perfectly and then I got in.

Look at Noam's face right there. That's so crazy. How come they don't have commercials showing this? They do. They have videos when you're online. You always skip them, though. They don't advertise. All the money's going into the technology

and the making of the car. They don't have the... No, commercials are supposed to pay for themselves, but anyway, go ahead. But they don't have the budget. They're not like a big car company yet. But you can go online and look this stuff up. I have to get a new car. And a few people have the budget. They're not like a big car company yet. But you can go online and look this stuff up. I have to get a new car.

Yeah. And a few people have suggested Tesla. You should. But the thing is that how many, it's electric, right? It's got like 200 miles. How many miles? 250. 250.

It's as far. Your house is probably. My house is 25 miles. Yeah. You'll never. And then you plug it in your house? You'll never exceed it. Yeah, in your garage. Yeah, you have a charger in your garage. You come in at night, just plug it in. And they're adding like millions,

hundreds of thousands of charging stations. Now, what if I want to drive to Maine? Then you can't take that car. You know you can. You can. You press, I'm going to Maine on the GPS, and it shows you the route, which will go up 95 and then stop about two and a half hours in to a supercharger that probably is next... Oh, that's all I do. Just stop two and a half hours. No, no. stop about two and a half hours in to a supercharger.

Oh, that's all I do, just stop two and a half hours. No, no, stop in two and a half hours. For how long? Or it's really like you would drive for probably four hours. You stop for an hour in a supercharger, it'll charge it. But if you're driving to Maine, you're going to stop and eat. You're going to stop and do stuff. So all you have to do is stop once, plug it in, and you're back on the road.

It's amazing. Yeah, but I think for a drive to Maine, most people want the convenience of being able to fill up where they want and fill up quickly. That's so ignorant. Well, it's not ignorant. It is because you're going to stop in an eight-hour ride. You're going to make a stop. So just stop when the car is ready. So let's say I'm staying in Waterville, Maine.

What are the odds that there will be someplace to charge nearby there if I want to stay there for a week? I don't know. Right now, but Tesla over the next two years is putting thousands of charging stations across the West. Yeah. Like the West Coast is pretty inundated with some of them. Am I buying this car because it's good for the environment or because it's an awesome

car? Both. Because I don't really care about the environment. I mean, I care about the environment, but as soon as DiCaprio doesn't fly around on private jets complaining about global warming, I will worry about my slight carbon footprint. It is the coolest thing I've ever owned. Take the environment out.

Take that I haven't spent $1 on gas in over a year. Take all that out. Take the rebates from the government out. Take all of that out. How much is the car? It is the fastest, coolest, most comfortable car Take all of that out. How much is the car? It is the fastest, coolest, most comfortable car I've ever been in. How much is it?

Well, Tom doesn't want to talk about money. About $100,000. Oh, I guess he does. That's cheaper than an Audi. Yeah. Cheaper than the Audi A8. Well, I say you get one. If only because I want to ride in it.

It's so fast. It's so fast. But is it a family car, Tom? in it. It's so fast. It's so fast. But is it a family car, Tom? It is. It's a big sedan. There's no transmission in it, so it doesn't have that lump in the middle. It's just flat bottom. That's where the battery is. It's just a total flat bottom, so it's much more spacious.

It's the coolest technology ever. Robert Kelly. You know, Robert Kelly is technology. Harambe Kelly. Yeah. When he's auditioning, he will is technology. Harambe Kelly. Who's auditioning. He will now be working at the Chicago Zoo. You know, he loves technology.

He's always battling. He has to have the first phone. He has to have the first Apple, whatever. And he's always battling with me about who's got the coolest tech stuff. I gave him a ride the other night when he was out in L.A. I drove him back to his hotel. And he said, this is you dropping the mic. He goes, I can't compete with this.

You just blew me out of the water. He told me last night. I was at his pen, and he has a shed now in his backyard. You know about this? No. Anyway, and he told me to get a Tesla. Yeah. And I was like, that's ridiculous. I'm not getting a Tesla.

Did he tell you he was in mine? Maybe he did. I don't remember. I bet he didn't. He's so jealous. And so angry. Well, I knew you had one already, though. It's the most amazing thing.

It really is. We've gone a long way toward convincing Noam. Ask Lisa Trigger about his Tesla. What the hell was Lisa Trigger doing in your Tesla? Not on the mic, Liz. He carpooled. What the hell's the matter with you? Have you learned nothing?

It's amazing. Go ahead. Well, you had a question. She was never in my car. Because I'm skeptical. I know that it's electric, but I also know that the electricity is produced by a coal-burning power plant somewhere. So I'm very skeptical of how much it does for the environment. We went through all those articles. You've got very skeptical of the, you know, how much it does for the environment. We went through this.

We went through all those. You gotta just watch the Tesla video. They do a whole thing on the development and everything. But let's, let's take that out because you're a cold hearted person. This is just purely about the joy of you owning something that is, feels like the most futuristic thing you've ever been in. So when one of the cooks wants a dollar an hour raise that I don't want to give him,

should I talk to him in my Tesla? You want to know something funny? That is the one thing that I have to kind of get over because I've never had a fancy car before. And I did this game show and I had the money at the time when I was looking at it and I just did it. And so now I have this car and

everybody knows how much this costs. It's like driving around in like a big BMW or something, which I never would buy one of those cars because this is so all about technology. I was like, I want this thing. But now I'm in a car. Everybody knows how much it costs. So I'm a little self-conscious about it. So anyway, I had this guy over my house and he was painting. He was painting the side of my house.

We had all this wood and he's painting, shellacking, and he's working in the hot sun. He's doing it forever and it's taking a real long time. And he was having a real bad day. He dropped his cell phone in a bucket of paint and had to leave for a whole day to go get another cell phone. And he comes back, and I come driving in with the Tesla one day. Were you driving or just walking side by side with it? He had it on a leash. I was parking it myself, and I pressed the button. The old-fashioned way.

I pressed the button, the garage door went up, and I saw him kind of look, and my daughter said, I think he wants to talk to you, and I pull into the driveway, I ran over his phone with my Tesla. Oh my gosh. I thought you were going to say you ruined all the paint that was up the garage.

It felt so... I am very self-conscious about the appearance of having that money. Not only is Noam self-conscious about displaying wealth, he lies like a rug about the money that he makes here, which, of course, is his... That's my prerogative. It's your prerogative. But Noam, I think he said last year

he made $25,000 a year. I really do believe that the technology overrides that, though. Because it's a purely electric car, it's an engineering marvel, that stuff supersedes this as a status symbol. It's not like a Mercedes or a BMW. The only thing is you might want to wait

until all the kinks are worked out with this stuff. It's not like a Mercedes or a BMW. The only thing is you might want to wait until all the kinks are worked out with the stuff. It's worked. That happened a long time ago. Is there currently a model better than the one that you have? Yes. That's tempting. Really? They're also making the cheaper model

that I put my name on the list for. Good for you. No, everybody knows you got... That's great. A $30,000 model. Yeah. The new one is the 90 DP, the performance, like the top, top one, has a new button on it that's not in my car.

What does it do? What does it do? It's called the ludicrous button. You press it and it goes faster than any car on the planet. Zero to 60. Is that true? That is true. You should go on YouTube and watch people pressing this button.

The people in the car freak out. Because it's not like accelerating in any other car because it's... There's a ludicrous button? There's no torque. You press a ludicrous button, this thing goes zero to 60 in like 3.9 seconds. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I want that so bad.

You have to get it. It's like Christopher Lloyd now. You got to. No have to get it. It's like Christopher Lloyd now. You got to. Noam, you got to. I go zero. Noam, everybody knows you got money. Just do it. My car doesn't have that button, and it's not as fast as that model without the button.

And I'm telling you, going just zero to 40 at a stoplight is a sensation that you've never felt before. It's so fast. It's just going to make me regret being married even more than ever. I was just going to say, why are we having this conversation as if you make the decision as to what car you get? No, that's not what I meant.

That's a whole different thing. He has his own car. That is a car, which is a game. Like any girl that you get in your car and press the ludicrous button, it's done. It's done.

Yeah, Liz Trager was in my car and I didn't even have the ludicrous button and it's done. It's done. Yeah, Liz Trager was in my car and I didn't even have the ludicrous button and her pants were off in about 30 seconds. I don't know. I don't know. I don't believe it was 30 seconds.

Robert's pants were off. I don't know. All right, Robert's pants were off. No, I've read a lot of articles about what women want. You can debate them with a sense of humor, confidence.

I've never heard acceleration as a major turn-on. Liz? Just the way you said it, Natterman. No, not like that. The reason I want to talk to Liz is because Estee came over to the lineups today, and apparently there was an incident, and I want everybody's feedback about this.

Ray Allen apparently plugged the Aruba show at the Underground. On stage. Yeah, on stage, which I thought was, so what? Who's going to go out and buy a ticket to Aruba to see this guy's at Aruba? Yeah. But apparently.

Esty is pissed. Esty and Liz apparently were very, very disturbed by this. It's low class. And wanted to end his association with the comedy seller over it. I told Ray that he can't do that. If he was working at a club uptown and he said, oh, July 1st, I'll be at this club uptown, would that be okay? No.

If he was in New Jersey, if he was in a casino upstate, that wouldn't be okay. No. I don't know. It wouldn't be cool. It's not cool. I don't care about that stuff, really. I just thought it was very low class of Ray Allen. I appreciate that you guys are so protective. It was Ray Allen.

Yeah, it was Ray Allen being Ray Allen. You don't have to say low class. You don't have to say what he did. Just Ray Allen. In my gut reaction to it, unless somebody's plugging a show, which realistically some customer who was here who might come back would end up going there and we would lose the customer,

then it's meaningless to me. But you say that it just kind of changes the... The vibe. The show, the vibe of the show. All of a sudden, why is this man selling us a show at the end of our show? Why are we paying $25 to see a guy who's performing in Aruba?

What do you say? Do you say, if you're in Aruba, you can see me? I mean, it wasn't just, if you're in Aruba, you can see me. It was like, oh, do you like Aruba? Are you going to Aruba? Have you ever been to Aruba? Where do you stay? I would do this hotel.

Don't stay at that hotel. July 1st, come see me and Robert Kelly. I mean, that's a little... I mean, it was... You don't want a sales pitch at the end of a nice show. On Aruba. You don't even get Come see me and Robert Kelly. I mean, that's a little... I mean, it was... You don't want a sales pitch at the end of a nice show. Yeah, a minute on Aruba. Well, if...

You don't even get to see a nice condo. So is Ray Allen finished? Is he done? I think it's, at best, a minor transgression. You should just tell him we prefer you don't do that.

And he, why? It sets up a joke. I'm like, Ray, just stop telling jokes. Just bring people on stage. That's like the guys on the road that would... There was always guys

on the road that, when I was always guys on the road that, when I was starting, who would do this joke just because it tied into the T-shirt that they were selling at the end of the night. And then sometimes they would get drunk. These guys normally would get drunk in between shows and then forget to do the joke and wonder why their shirts weren't selling

after the second show. It's low rent. Listen, when I was in Vegas, I told you Bob Zaney handed out a tip jar at the improv. That's insane. That's right, baby. Yeah, that's next. Ray Allen didn't try to hand out a tip jar, did he?

No, he handed out drink tickets for the girls for upstairs. I've seen comics. No, he didn't. I'm kidding. Relax. I have seen comics. You know, they hand out flyers after the show when the customers walk out. But none of the comedians here

do that. That's okay. I have seen... Well, I'm not so sure about that. Well, I'm not going to say on the air. I've seen Tony Woods sell his DVDs that I've seen. And what did you say to him? Tony, really? Why don't you make it to the corner instead of right outside? Who tried to sell the DVDs? Tony Woods. But it sounds to me like you're more mad at Ray Allen

than you're mad at Tony. He was on stage. Tony Woods didn't stand on stage and say, please come outside. I'm selling my DVD. That's who you want working for you. I think selling a DVD after the show is far worse. Far more low rent. It's low rent. You're walking to the show.

You've got some comics selling DVDs. That's bad, but it's not on stage in the showroom. It makes the whole place look low rent. selling DVDs. That's bad, but it's not on stage in the showroom. It just looks, it makes the whole place look low rent if you're selling, if the comics are hustling their DVDs after the show.

Dan can't speak to this because he has an affinity for Ray Allen. I guess. I was going to say he doesn't have a CD. Well, I'll tell you what. I thought so.

I thought that's what you did. I did. I feel like you're... Please don't say it. Please don't say it. I feel like that people gang up on Ray Allen because they have a prejudice against Ray Allen.

Why are you defending him again? Two weeks in a row. You know what happened last week, Tom? Ray Allen had said many times that he doesn't understand why Amy Schumer doesn't like him. She brings a bottle of wine to the table. She gives everybody a glass of wine, not Ray Allen. And he says, the only reason I can think of

is that I never tried to bang her. Oh, my God. So, of course, I ran and told Amy. You did. Of course. But he said I could. And then Amy confronted him. She did. Yeah, yeah. Well, he

confronted Amy. First of all, he says it was a joke when he said that. You claim it was not a joke. It was not a joke. And you know it wasn't a joke. You know he was serious. We talked about it at length and ad nauseum. Well, I don't remember that. I like that.

Now, Dove Davidoff is here. But Dan has always been very close with Ray. Marina is here. Marina is here? Yeah, I just saw Marina. Well, we invited Dove, so we have to. So Liz is dismissed. We invited Marina.

Liz is dismissed because Dan gets very upset about it. Someone has to protect Ray. Tom has something he wants to say. I think you should thank Liz before she leaves because I think she did the right thing. Thank you. About with Ray Allen? Yeah. Yelling at Ray anytime.

I don't think he should ban from the club. But I yelled at him. I caught him in the hall. Can I tell you one thing I'm worried about? Is I'm worried about exposing a pecking order. For instance, if Michelle Wolf said,

I'll be performing at blah, blah, blah next week. She'd never do it. But if she did, you would never rip her a new asshole. You'd be like, listen, Michelle, how should we handle this? Liz would tell her. I'd tell Michelle. I have no problem telling Michelle.

No, no. I don't want you to tell her without speaking to me first. But she wouldn't do it. Michelle wouldn't do it. She knows better. If one of the Jewish comics did it. Matterman, don't do that. I don't think Lenny Marcus would do it.

Yeah. I don't think so. I don't know Lenny Marcus. If Modi plugs the next part... No. If Modi... I can pretty much say with confidence there will never be another comedian

to plug a gig in Aruba. Well, we can't say with confidence. But in any case, I'm Team Ray Allen on this, actually. I gotta tell you. Liz is right. He's out. Alright, thank you, Liz. And if nothing,

I'll tell you what. At a minimum, you cannot deny Liz's ferocious loyalty to the comedy seller. I don't know if Liz's ferocious loyalty to the comedy seller or she just likes

to make people... No! Or both. Or both. This segment of the show is brought to you by my upcoming appearances at Stand Up New York

on July 4th weekend. I regularly have to quote the godfatherth weekend. I regularly have to quote the Godfather to Liz. I literally have to remind her it's business, not personal. Don't hate your enemies. It clouds your judgment. I literally go through this

with her on a regular basis. I don't think that was cloudy judgment. I think that was business. All right. Anyway. Dub David off. Dub David off.

Tom, you'll like this. Tom had a two or three year run with the Seinfeld created show The Marriage Ref. Tom Popp is a great guy. He's just a great guy. Was it three years? I don't remember. Three years. Two seasons. And Tom also performed The Marriage at my wedding. And did you know that Dov Davidoff

got married last week, Tom? Congratulations, Dov. Thank you, Tom. I knew it was coming. I didn't know when. Neither did he. How'd it go? Where'd you do it, I'm just kidding. How did it go? Where'd you do it? It went really well. We did it at City Hall, which is more romantic than you'd think.

We went down there and signed the papers. It was pretty cool. No, that wasn't City Hall. Yeah. I think it's romantic in its simplicity. I remember motor vehicles. We had to sign all the books and all that stuff. Well, it actually was.

In the room that you finally go into, it's a bit like the DMV before you're getting to the wedding chamber. But other than that, it's really nice like the DMV before you're getting to the wedding chamber. But other than that, it's really nice. But people are excited. They're kind of dressed up. Oh, yeah. Taking pictures in front of this sort of kitschy city hall mural. Yeah, yeah.

It's fun. It's great. Good for you. I can't believe it. That's exciting news. I'm out of the game, Tom. Wow. I'll tell you what.

Out of the tail game. Wow. I've known Dove for a long time, maybe 15 years or so. Long time. 17 years. Long time. And nobody is, you know, the old expression, a leopard doesn't change his spot. Well. I've known Dove for a long time, maybe 15 years or so. Longer, 17 years. Long time. And nobody is, you know, the old expression, a leopard doesn't change his spot. Well, I'll be damned if this leopard hasn't changed his spot.

If its teeth doesn't fall out. Dove was the biggest booty hound. I was a hound. And there was nobody like him in the game. It's true. There were legendary stories. And now he's a fag. And that's very sad, actually.

It's very sad. But it's impressive. Can you tell the greatest story ever? The story about the time in the hotel with the girl and the... In the apartment with Natterman? No, and he goes into the other room and... Oh, that would be relevant, but everybody's heard it, I think. No, not everybody.

I don't think I've heard it. I guarantee you 0.1% of the people listening have heard it. Mom's heard it. You haven't heard it? When Dan kept saying to me... Because I can never heard it. No, not everybody. I don't think I've heard it. I guarantee you 0.1% of the people listening have heard it. Mom's heard it. You haven't heard it? When Dan kept saying to me. Because I can never remember it. There was one month over the summer, probably eight years ago, ten years ago, Dan kept saying, I've got to get a tail.

I've got to get a tail. No, no. We're talking about the one with the hotel. We're talking about the hotel with the hooker. Are you talking about what I did with April? Is that April? I don't know. I don't know.

Oh, right. Well, she said it on Stern. Can you tell that story? I think her story was a bit different. Oh, yes. Oh, right. Well, she said it on Stern. Can you tell that story? I think her story was a bit different. Oh, yes. Oh, right. Sure. See, there's so many stories.

To illustrate what a booty hound you were. Go ahead. That's what illustrated the point. So many stories. I mean, there was some real shame involved. I was doing a gig over the weekend. I was headlining and she was middling. And it was some gig in like, I don't know, one of the big hotels in Vegas.

I wasn't in the big theater, but in a nice room and somebody was promoting it. And so April was in Middling. And I still feel really bad for this. I'm not bragging. It's April who? What's her last name? Macy. Oh, you're Macy.

And so, I don't know. So the gig's over. It went well. We're up in the top floor. Penthouse thing. Like a bottle service penthouse thing. Yeah, in the gig's over. It went well. We're up in the top floor. Penthouse thing. You know, like a bottle service penthouse thing. Yeah, and the Playboy Club at the Poms. And so then these Canadians had some ecstasy.

And I said to April, they got some ecstasy. They were offering it to us. I said, if you're interested, you know, that's the only way I'd be interested. I'm not going to do it alone and jump around. And so, you know, we take some ecstasy. And I also, they had some blow. So I was in the bathroom with those guys. And then I was like, well, you know, now that I'm here.

And so finally, long story short, I don't know, we hit the dance floor for a few seconds. And then we hightailed it over to my room. And so we get into my place. We start shaking up butt good. I mean, it was a scene. Every which way but loose. And I tore in, Tom. And so,

two hours into the session, it was quite a session. Two hours in. That's a session. Oh, it was a scene. And so, I put it in deep, nice,

long, hard. And then she gets tired. You understand. Sure. You know the way I used to do it. She gets tired, and so she wants to fall asleep. There's a problem with the sound. Right?

She wants to fall asleep. I'll talk right into the microphone. She wants to fall asleep. And then I... So I'm wide awake here, and I'm high. And so I go, okay. And so I go down to the bar and I see this whore.

Nice, sweet girl. Mid-forties. A worker. Yeah, but not dressed like some hooker. You know, this broad had class. And so I go to the circle bar and we start talking and then, so she we agree on a price.

300 bucks. And she goes, we go across the street to a hotel. Long story short, they're booked. Nobody, and you know that it's off the strip. The Palms is off the strip. So there's no short walk anywhere. I go back to the Palms, finally. With the girl? With the girl.

Right. And I said, you know, fuck it. I mean, I got such a heat. So I said, do you guys have a room? So now they don't have a room. So now I go, what do I do? I take her name was Sizzle. Sizzle.

So me and Sizzle, me and Sizzle, don't ruin this for me, Tom. Me and Sizzle walk back up to my room where Macy's sleeping. Sure. And I knock on the door, and I got nowhere to go, and I got such a heat that I'm not going to not shake it up with Sizzle. And so I go into the room, and I'm still ashamed of this. I said, April, I shook her awake. I said, could I have the key to your room?

I met up with the Canadians downstairs. And, you know, we're all going to hang out somewhere. So she was absolutely, long story short, I get her thing. But on the way down, I like to lube it up because the piece wasn't going to work. Unblow my piece isn't good. And so I wanted a lube. By piece, he means penis. Yeah, of course. I don't know that lube. By piece, he means penis. Yeah, of course.

I don't know that everybody speaks dove. Anyway, anyway, yeah. So I got... You can use Google Translate. Yeah, so I go... We go back down the elevator banks to the other. Jeez, this is so much work. April's Hotel Room, which is on the other side.

It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. You really were in a heat. Yeah, you think being a... You think being a sex addict is a walk in the park? You're out of your mind. It's a lot of work. It always sounded so easy.

No, no, I wasn't an addict. But that night I was high. It was a wild scene. And so I stop and get lube. Stop where and get lube? In the 24-hour store in the hotel. What is the lube for? In the lobby.

Don't the hookers have condoms? To wrap my piece with. Don't the hookers have condoms? The hookers sometimes have, they're sometimes too gelatinous. I like a thin water-based lube. What am I, an animal? I try a proper lube. And so, and I didn't have.

He charged it to April's room. No, no, I didn't do that. Whenever I go in the shops, I'm just looking for Cheez-Its. You fag. So I get a lube, and then I go to the desk. I didn't, I go to the,

so we go back to her room. Long story short, sizzle. I walk in, I go to the, so we go back to her room. Long story short, sizzle. I walk in, I get into Macy's room and I'm horrified. I said to sizzle, I turned around,

I said, let me be the first to apologize for this mess. Well, we don't need to get into, you're saying the room was a mess.

It was a mess. Well, we don't need to get into that. No, the room was messy. It's a funny part of the story. I apologize for I have 45-year-old because the room was messy. No, the room was messy. It's a funny part of the story. I apologize for having 45-year-old Pussies

because the room was messy. No, I'm just saying. For Christ's sake, how long have you been in common? It feels like you're going to insult April. I'm not insulting April. Oh, this is the part that gets to the... Well, I don't know that she died in the boat. Did you have to follow her around?

Forget the taking her every way but sideways. But the fact that she has socks on the bed, we've got to draw the line. She already talked about having sex with Daba on the air. I don't think she acknowledged sex. She never mentioned she was a slob. She never mentioned she was messy. First of all, if by the time we get to the end of the story,

you still think that she cared about whether or not I mentioned it was messy, you're out of your mind. Go ahead, go ahead. Long story short, Sizzle gets on the bed. You keep saying that, but I don't see it happening. I'm sorry. Sizzle gets on the bed. I didn't know Dan was going to put it on.

I didn't know Dan was going to put it on. I had to defend sorry. Sizzle gets on the bed. He didn't know Dan was going to put him in. I didn't know Dan was going to put him in. I had to defend something. Sizzle gets on the bed, and she takes her clothes. She starts taking her clothes. And I can't get a piece, so I just said, if you could, just go on your knees. You can't get an erection, is what he said. I can't get a... And play with it, you know?

Go on your knees and play with yourself. And then I take the light from behind me in the chair and shine it at her so she can't see me. Like Howard Hughes. And then I twist away at my piece, but it won't work. He's masturbating. The head is numb, you understand. Like an eraser tip. Numb.

And I'm twisting it like an old rag. And then there's a knock at the door. And I said, this is not good. This is not good. It ain't room service. So I go, sizzle, hold on. And she goes, what the hell's going on? I said, I is not good. This is not good. It ain't room service. So I go, sizzle, hold on. And she goes, what the hell's going on? I said, I got to get the door.

And then I tried to be quiet for a moment. And she goes, let me in. And I realize it's April at the door. It's four in the morning. I got a greased hand and a red forehead. And sizzle. I'm naked. Sizzle in the bed.

She jumps up. Sizzling away. She straps on her whatever the hell she was wearing in those heels. I walk up to the door. Sizzle's behind me. We're huddled up and I go to open the door and my hand slides off the knob because the knob

had a friction to it and I got a lubed hand. I open the door. I mean, I don't know. The expression on somebody, if you could imagine right before something happened. Like if you see your kids in a gorilla cage? Yeah. Yes, like that.

That kind of horror? Yeah. Or the staff in the White House walking in when Clinton was getting ahead in the office. And so she sees me. She looked at me. She couldn't speak. The hooker runs down the hallway. She's gone.

Long story short, I feel terrible. I slugged my way back to the elevator. April ran away? No, April went back to her room. The hooker ran down the hall and left me, if you could imagine that. And then I alone just sort of was questioning, you know, my life. And then I went back to the elevator just looking at my reflection in the mirror of the elevator on the way down. Just horrified at myself.

But by the time I got back to the lobby, I had a heat. I didn't return. And I got another hooker and I went back to my room. Is that true? It's very true. I didn't know that part of the story. I never heard that part either. You didn't hear that part of the story?

The second hooker. You're saying there were two hookers. There were two hookers, yeah. Oh, my God. And from that, he seems to be, as best as I can tell, a reformed man, I think. You don't come back from that. He's not a reformed man. I love how this started with a wedding announcement.

Anyway, long story short, that's why I got married two weeks ago. And I couldn't have been happier. This is what I always say, and I think Dan understands it, but he forgets it. Somebody's an alcoholic or has anger issues, whatever it is, they don't change. They somehow manage some strategy to keep it in check. Yeah. And it's like I told you the story about Alan Havy. He was telling me, I mean, to really condense, he was telling me this whole long story about how he doesn't let anything bother him anymore. And he goes, I distinctly asked for chopsticks.

Yes, I was there. I was there. And he didn't even realize how funny it was. Really, Alan? I thought he was kidding. I mean, you should have seen how offended he was. Furious. Guy who wears a low mane, he takes it seriously.

So you can't really. Right. So Dove, he's still the demon. He's still, you know, but maybe. I don't know. He goes to meetings or whatever it is he needs to do. Or maybe he just leads two lives, you know. It could be that he's doing things we don't know about.

But Dove. Maybe there's an agreement in his marriage that we don't know about. No, no, no agreement. No, it's traditional. But I meditate a bit now in the morning and then I focus during the day on how much I have at stake. And then when I get a heat,

I'll tug it. It's also, some years have gone by, so there is some biological diminution of the sex drive. How old are you? Such a diminution. It's like 42. Not enough.

Yeah, not enough, but it's a diminution, yeah. It's a diminution. I got half the wad I was dealing with. There's such a diminution. Not enough. Yeah, not enough, but it's a diminution, yeah. It's a diminution. I got half the wad I was dealing with. There's such a diminution by 50%. And he's actually started to play words with friends. I play words with friends, Todd Barry. Really?

Yes, I've been. I've gone from double hookers to the palms to a words with friends and Todd Barry like that. It's a double word score. It's a double word score. Going from no words with sizzle to multiple words with Todd Barry. It is. There is a sadness in my own heart for what I feel is a loss of a friend.

Trouble, though, he was. It was a lot of fun. And now I'm left with this boring. Yeah, the shell of what he was. Let me ask you a question, though he was. It was a lot of fun. And now I'm left with this boring... Yeah, the shell of what he was. Let me ask you a question, though. I won't even bother asking Tom, because he would never even be honest about this. But if you were going to, you know,

dip back into your old church style, would you trust Dan with that information? I actually asked him the same question I asked him. Would you trust your brother? Is there anybody that you would trust? Yeah. I mean, I don't think that anyone

would say anything, although inadvertently I feel that there is some liability associated with letting it out. If I commit a murder, I don't want anybody to know and I'm not going to tell

anybody about it. Because who knows? You know, somebody's talking in conversation with somebody else, they slip, something happens.

I don't know. Also, you know, we had this very discussion last night, actually. I said, Dove, maybe if you ever stray, or maybe, you know, maybe you have already. I don't think so. But if you ever do, I think maybe best not to tell me, because then I have to face his wife, who I'm friendly with. Yes. You know, because now they have a relationship that's been going on for five years, and

I can't look her in the eye. Because I know something that she doesn't know. I can't imagine Dan keeping a secret. Boy, I could send you up the river for years when I know what you've been up to. Are you kidding me? I can't see the secret. I know what you've been up to.

Half the comics in this place. And I don't say a word. Okay, sure. But the truth is, I keep a hell comics in this place and I don't say a word. Okay, sure. But, no, the truth is I keep a hell of a secret. I keep a whale of a secret. But you say things that you should never... Someone would have to

specifically say to you, this is a secret, don't say anything. Every now and then, Dan will assume something is harmless. The problem with a secret like that is...

Yeah, sometimes I don't know if it's a secret or not, but if you tell me it's a secret... It's never malicious, right? If you tell me it's a secret It's never malicious, right? If you tell me it's a secret you have no idea what I got in this cabasa.

I can take this whole place down. 15 years later when you're out of this life you might let it slip to somebody and then You don't even remember. And you don't even realize

that they actually are one degree of separation and bang! And you're dead. That's the thing. Right. So you just you dove

keep it to yourself. Dan, if you saw It's like a murder. You gotta look at it's the thing. Right. So you just, you dove, keep it to yourself. Dan, if you saw somebody, you gotta look at it like a murder, yeah. If you saw Dove's wife with somebody, would you tell Dove? Oh, that's a fine question.

Well, you're gonna have to tell me. I guess I have to, yeah, I think so, yeah. I mean, my first loyalty is to Dove. I know Jessica, that's his wife,

through Dove. Jessica is a corollary to Dove and I'm very fond of Jessica, but my first loyalty is to Dove. Jessica's great. Youary to Dub. And I'm very fond of Jessica, but my first loyalty is to Dub. Jessica's great. You would spill on Jessica. I have to, yeah. Or no?

Yeah, well, I understand, but maybe that's not, I don't know. I don't know the right answer. You know what I would do? I'd say, Jessica, look, I saw what you did. Now suck it. Suck it hard. Get on your knees. That's right.

Apparently, now you're the I say now I'm the boss now this is going one of two ways a divorce or you can suck it by the way

the last thing we're at risk of that time that last week Ray Romano was on the show and I don't think he meant to talk

about politics but he did bring up inadvertently or obliquely this hot topic now of automation in the world. You know, McDonald's can replace a fry bagger for $35,000 for an arm. For the arm. In Tokyo, they just replaced 40,000 workers. work. Ray Romano asked this question that if you had a robot that would

press a button that would give you an orgasm. What was the question? If you could get an orgasm if a girl pressed the button is that cheating? My wife would say yes. You're there

having an orgasm in front of a girl? No, you're not in front of the girl. Where's the button? Are you in front of the girl? Is the button in the room with you? I don't remember precisely. Or from a remote, like in India. Yeah, I was thinking India.

It's my dick, the button. That's what I was getting to. It's outsourced to India. If it's outsourced to India, then you don't... Oh, you're definitely not cheating. The way you're describing it is like the woman's there in the room and presses the button. Isn't that how he described it? How did he describe it? I really don't... I remember

vaguely, but why don't you come up with your own scenario? No, but these are endlessly fascinating because if she's right in the room, like Chris is there pressing the button, looking you in the eye, that's kind of cheating. But what if she sets the timer and leaves it... Like, where is the... I don't think that's... What if it's a guy that sets the timer?

Are you homosexual? This transgender thing, which I'm pretty sympathetic and leaves it. Like, where is the... I don't think that's... What if it's a guy that sets the timer? Then you're homosexual. This transgender thing, which I'm pretty sympathetic to the whole transgender... Of course. How can you not be? They're not playing... This is not fun for them.

They felt the need to be a woman. You understand? All right, all right, all right. How many are there? So they're crying. In some school district now, they've decided

that the transgender people can be in the locker room of the sex that they feel like they are. So, like, my daughter could be in a locker room with some chicks with dicks. Yeah, but... And then, wait, and then they can compete in the sports. How many are there? For the gender. I don't know. Well, that you can't necessarily do because a man is genetically different from a woman.

Put up different track times. Can you imagine how unfair it would be to have my daughter have to compete against a guy in a 100-yard deck? As I saw that, I don't even think it's fair she has to compete against the black kids. Well, no, that's funny. When you see Serena, when you watch Serena Williams play tennis, you know, I mean, she's twice the size of those little broads. Really. Wasn't there someone in the Olympics or something who? No, there was a tennis player.

What was the tennis player, Dan? No, not. It's a runner. His wife just walked in. Oh, good. Jess, I'm talking about transgender, Jess. The transgender kids. Congratulations.

Yeah. We're out of time. Jess is very shy. I guess she doesn't want to talk. But congratulations, Jess. We talked about... Can we ask her about that? Yeah, sure.

You can on anything. Here, Jess, come here. Are you transgender? No one wants to know. No, no. Speak into the mic. If you walk in... And let's try to find...

Help me out. Let's get it step by step. If you walk in and find Dove masturbating to porn, is that cheating? No. If he has a device which masturbates him, he pushes a button and it brings him to orgasm, is that cheating? And he presses the button himself? No.

If the device communicates over the internet and he has a woman in India who he's never met activate that button while she's talking to him? Is that cheating? No. Ah. Well, what about the final? Now, what if he has a woman in the room with him? A woman in the room with him

who he's paying to press the button. Is that cheating? She sees him orgasm. No. No. This is why he's married. We're on our way to a first meet.

I'm getting a heat. All right. Don't heat it up. With you, Jess, and a hand mixer. You guys are going to go to town. What if Kristen Montella. She never touches him, right? Kristen Montella is.

She never touches him. Kristen Montella, who is sitting right here with us, is sucking his penis. Oh, God. But through a condom. She never touches him. No, there's no penis in God. But through a condom. She never touches it. No, there's no penis. That's a good fit. But she looks like a robot.

And she's dressed as a robot. As a robot. Is that cheating? I don't know why you guys are so shocked that women are not that, like, we're not psycho. My wife is psycho.

If there was another woman in the room and I was having an orgasm, my wife would consider that cheating. It's still so mechanical and, like and it's not intimate at all that somebody's

pushing a button. What about an oriental massage parlor? I guess I should say the word Asian massage parlor. Even that I wouldn't really consider that cheating either. Kristen, your husband would be okay with you going into the room and pressing the button? I don't know if my husband would be okay

but I don't really care. But you'd be okay. And I don't care about massage parlors either. You don't care about massage parlors? No. Can you ask Juanita if she might care? I don't need to ask her. You know she cares. Nobody ever left their wife for one of those women who don't speak English in a massage parlor. Exactly. It's like, come on.

Oh my God. I would just, I would feel more like disgusted at my husband for doing that. Why is the person... We'd have to talk about it, but it wouldn't be a deal killer for me. It wouldn't be a deal killer. It wouldn't be bad for your self-esteem

that he went to an Asian girl rather than get it from you? No, it would have nothing to do with my self-esteem. I would just think more like, like, really? But I wouldn't consider it cheating. We got to wrap it up. By the way, it is cheating. Oh, you can be sorry.

For the record, Noam says. It's only cheating if the other person doesn't know and they don't want you to do it. Otherwise, it's not cheating. Right. That's true. Cheating, you know. It's only cheating if you're doing it undercover. So, actually, if I hadn't brought this up at the podcast or the radio show,

it would have been cheating. But now that you've authorized it, yeah. Yeah, where do you think I was headed to when I took the mic off just now, when I pulled the earphones off? Where is the machine? Where is the said machine? Anyway, the future is going to bring us a lot of philosophical dilemmas about cheating I'm telling you

you're going to have lots and lots well yes we had a philosophical dilemma last night we went out for food and we were sitting in front of the pop bar

over on Bleecker Street so if you walk in and there's a man holding a vibrator to your woman that's not cheating either I guess since it's a machine

and he's not touching her anyway ladies and gentlemen no. That's not cheating either, I guess, since it's a machine and he's not touching her. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen. No, no, that's not allowed. That's a liability for other reasons. One, it doesn't exist. And two, she wouldn't be into that. No, I mean, like, I don't, if somebody can really explain their experience to the degree that I don't feel like it's a liability for our relationship, I don't know.

By the way, one last thing. That's a liability. Are you going to that, is she invited to the thing? This is exactly a point that I'm talking about. Are you an idiot? No, I know you are because you're family. No, I just wanted to, this I thought was something interesting. I don't think she got invited. No, I am invited. I have a baby. No, I just wanted to... This, I thought, was something interesting. Gnome's... I don't think she got invited.

No, I am invited. I have a baby shower. Gnome's kid's having a birthday. And I don't want to be the only comic there. So I think you have something to say to them. Don is invited. Are you coming? I, you know...

You were there last year. Oh, yeah. Don't put him on the spot. I think we're going to have to move it to Saturday, though, because the weather is... The weather is shitty Thursday through Sunday. No, right now on the Weather Channel app, it says 90% chance of rain on Sunday,

10% chance on Saturday. It's fluid. It changes all the time. Which Saturday? This coming Saturday. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I go to a soup kitchen for my brother's girlfriend's birthday. Oh, you're so wonderful. Yeah, we're going to volunteer for a birthday present on Sunday.

You really do that, huh? Yeah. That is commendable, I have to admit. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Can I just sum up everything? Yes. Okay. No one's going to buy a Tesla.

I might. Dove is a changed man, but not really. Tom Papa. With an awesome wife. Is always working, and no one can figure it out. Jessica DeBecker. Almost as big a mystery as Dan going to the gym. Dan is now an athlete.

And Chris Montella. Still married. Is actually invited to know him. Is okay with the robot, you know, filleting her husband. Dan, just for the record, just don't ever ask anybody

that question again. In front of my person. Are you invited to his party this week? Just don't do that. Do you see why I thought the secret keeping was not so good? I certainly do. Do you understand now?

Fair enough. Thanks for having me on the show, guys enough. Fair enough. Thanks for having me on the show, guys. This was fun. Thanks for coming. Tom, Papa, where will you be? Thank you, Thomas.

Don't plug Aruba. Plug your underground show. June 21st. Come to Papa Live at the Village Underground with Dove Davidoff and Michelle Wolfe and Nick Griffin.

No, I'm not on the show. And Dan, are you on that show? No, I'm not on this show. And Dan, are you on that show? No, you're not on the podcast. Dan, are you doing that show with you? It doesn't bother me. If you ever want me on, I'm available. If not, that's fine too. And Dan Aderman.

Right. Okay, good night everybody. Good night. Good night.