The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Veronica Mosey, Lynn Harris & Carsen Smith

Episode Date: June 15, 2017

Veronica Mosey is a standup comedian who may be seen performing regularly at the Comedy Cellar.   Lynn Harris is an author, former standup comedian, and Founder of Gold Comedy, a standup comedy workshop for girls and women.   Carsen Smith is an intern for Gold Comedy and an aspiring standup comedian.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table, on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're here at the back table of The Comedy Cellar. My name is Noam Dwarman. I'm the owner of The Comedy Cellar. I'm here with my co-host, Mr. Dan Natterman. I catch on that co-hosting, but anyway. Well, acceptance is the final phase. It's true. We have at our table Veronica Mosey,

who is a stand-up comedian who may be seen performing regularly at the Comedy Cellar, and she's also one of the professors at... Our comedy school. Comedy Cellar Comedy... No, it's not Comedy Cellar Comedy School. It's Rick Crumbs. Rick Crumbs. I can't say it's the Comedy Cellar Comedy School because I don't want to get any kind of...

No lawsuits. Yeah, my biggest fear about this Comedy Cellar thing is that you guys are going to teach somebody. Yeah. They're going to decide they're not funny. To just tell all and more stories. And they're going to sue me that you couldn't make them funny. Anyway, Lynn Harris is an author, former stand-up comedian, and founder of Gold Comedy, a stand-up comedy workshop for girls and women. Girls and women meaning girls or people under age 18.

And who's to your left? And we have a command performance by Carson Smith, who is joining Gold this summer as our rock star kick-ass summer intern. And she is a, well, she can tell you about herself. Yeah, I'm an intern, first and foremost. I was born an intern. But I am originally from Nashville, Tennessee. I go to school at Vanderbilt University,

and I'm coming up here to New York to not only work for Lynn, but also try my hand in comedy as well. So what warrants her being on this radio show with us today? Well, you invited her. No, but she's a student of yours? Actually, she did take a class that we taught last week. And we are here to honor the memory of Brianna, who is one of our superstar students from the past few months,

who was actually at a college orientation in the Bronx and got stuck there. How old is she? She's 17. Yeah, so this is what I heard. I heard this teenage comedy student is going to come on. She's going to take all my spots. Yes. One day. And then she

doesn't show up to the show. Stay in school, kids. And then she doesn't show up to the show. I know. Stay in school, kids. Stay in school. What you should learn is there are clubs where if you don't show up, they won't book you anymore. She'll be here in time, but there was something I did want to discuss with you. Please do. Can I get a drink while you do that? Yeah, go ahead.

Mike, can I get a Frangelico? Please go ahead. Ooh, that sounds nice. Well, my niece wanted to come see me this week, but I didn't know what show I was going to be on. So I said, well, I'll know on Tuesday. So yesterday I got my spot. And I only got one, by the way, this Friday.

That's another issue, but I feel like I'm being... Only one spot this Friday? Only one. And I put in for midnight or earlier. So for whatever reason, I only got one. But in any case, that's okay. I'm being phased out. No big deal.

But the point is... Does she only give you one spot? Only one. Go ahead. Does she know you're the co-host of the radio show, Dan? She knows it. I don't know that that has any influence. So, anyway, I wanted to make my niece a reservation for Friday, and you can't make a reservation.

It's sold out. So, what I'm saying is by the time the schedule is up, it's all sold out. So you cannot make a reservation and see somebody that you want to see because by the time you know what the schedule is, the thing's sold out so far in advance. Yeah. So is there anything that can be done about that? Now, I'm sure you've thought about this in many different ways and you've probably already eliminated all other possibilities, but what about taking money up front to eliminate all the people that make reservations and don't show up?

So that people that want to, you know... This is serious? This is a serious question. Well, so first of all, so Morris, to your right over there, Morris just came to me because he thinks our website is shite, as they say. That's what they say in Ireland, yeah. And what did you say?

Room for improvement. Room for improvement. And I think he has a very good eye for detail and aesthetics, and he pointed out some indisputable flaws and things, room for improvement in our website. No question about it. But I told him, I said, you know, but on the other hand, we're sold out a week in advance

and even before we announced the lineups, so it seems to be working. So I'm worried about, you know, fixing something that's not broken. But in any event, no, the reason I don't want to take money up front is because then I worry that once people have paid for their seat,

if they don't show up, they're going to expect us to hold it for them. You can always have a policy where you say if you don't show up within five minutes after the show starts, your seats will be resold. So what do we do with the money that we collected from them?

You say it with no refunds. So I'm going to alienate customers. No one's going to be happy about that. We've got 10 billion other ones right behind them. It doesn't matter. You know what? Don't ever go into business.

That is such, that is the most horrible attitude. That is how a business fails. Every customer is valuable. Or you can be like an airline and just oversell. Yeah, I want to be the United Airlines of comedy. Yes, and then you have

people being dragged out. Is this how you're running your comedy university, by the way? It is, it is, exactly. So that's the reason. And then I also don't want to deal with the refunds, and the fact is that, and the final reason is a trade secret that I'm afraid if I say it out loud that the

other comedy clubs would latch onto it, so I'll tell you off the air. I don't even want to tell you off the air because you have a big mouth. But there's a thought. I sound like Comey, you know, in private session. Can you give us like kind of a secret speak, like sort of a riddle in a way? No. It is literally the one insight that the other comedy clubs have failed to make.

And I'm just counting the days until they figure it out, but they haven't figured it out yet, and it would be the third answer to Dan's question. Okay, well, in any case, it is a slight inconvenience that one cannot really pick the show that one wants to pick. You're flying blind. Every customer that makes a reservation is basically making a blind reservation.

Yeah. Effectively. That's not the case every night, but you probably, Friday at 9.30 is probably sold out already. But I think there's special, you know, consideration for comics.

Like I've said, listen, I have a brother in town and I'd like to. No, but then it becomes a little bit annoying because now she's got to get here early and she's got to get on the standby list.

Oh, no, no. You want to get your niece in? Yeah. Yeah, no problem, Dan. We'll get your niece in? Yeah. Yeah, no problem, Dan. We'll get your niece in. All right. $75. That's what this is all about?

It's all about, it's not all about that. It's about the issue that that raises that people cannot come and see people that they want to see. if you can see your way

to getting my niece in. I don't give a, that's really not, it's just an issue that it raises about just, generally, oftentimes it happens that people want to see me and I'm like,

okay, I'll know on Tuesday and then it's sold out. These are our problems. There's no other way. But I just thought that maybe there's another way. So is that... Also, I won't be here. Please be advised that I won't be here

next week. I'll be doing a cruise. I don't know how much more of these I can do, quite frankly. You've been saying this for three years. You're not doing any more cruises. And one day it'll be true. With each one, it becomes, I get, my tolerance for it becomes, you know, they say whatever doesn't kill you makes you

stronger, but in fact, it just leaves you weakened and traumatized. It's Royal Caribbean. Royal Caribbean. So I have another one scheduled in September. I don't know if I'll honor it or not.

I may have to cancel it. Are you doing the Oasis? Are you doing the Oasis? I'm doing the Oasis. They make you do 17 shows. That's a lot. In how many days? In a week.

You do that here. Yeah, but they're longer and then you're on the cruise. Who's working with you? I don't know who's working with me. And I'm here. I'm with my friend. And it's just you, right? Well, no, no. There and then you're on the cruise. Who's working with you? I don't know who's working with me. And I'm here. I'm with my friend. And it's just you, right?

It's you and... Well, no, no. There's another comedian. No, no. That's what I'm saying. There's two comics, right? There's two comics. That's it.

Yeah. So you're each doing how much time? You do 25 minutes each. Oh, my. That's not that bad. I've only done... Can I pull the scab off this? There's none of what he's saying.

So often in life, by the way, what is the real reason behind something is what people will never utter. I've noticed this in business, in complaints, in relationships. It's everything but what they actually say. Okay. There's nothing about what Dan is saying is the reason. It is the being in an unfamiliar place. It's having to socialize with people he doesn't know. Having all the awkward social moments.

He doesn't care about doing 17 shows. I do care about that. He doesn't like going on in a new stage next door. He's got anxiety, and a cruise ship is anxiety for him. Yeah, but he'd be in the club. Yes, you are correct, but I do care about doing 17 shows.

So if it was one show, you'd be like, no problem, I'm going on a cruise ship? If it was one a night, it would be a lot less anxiety-provoking, and it would be easier. There's no real warm-up, though. You're just kind of thrown out there to these people. Look, everybody's got their own reason why they don't want to do a cruise ship. So, you know, cruise ships present different horrors to different people.

How about saying... Some people just are claustrophobic and they don't want to be on a ship for that long. Yeah, I said, oh my God. Some people get seasick. I said, oh my God

during a show. Legit, like just saying, oh my God. You know, and I get that. The cruise director got a letter from a Christian group

that was there and they did not appreciate that one bit. They did not appreciate it and I did not work on the ships anymore. It's like that strict. Well, not this particular ship.

You can do what you want, because they have a comedy club on board, and it's pretty much whatever you want. This was welcome aboard, and then the headline show where you can't really curse. It's really hard. In that situation, you have to be, obviously, Disney clean. So anyway, the anxiety usually manifests itself approximately two weeks before the cruise starts. And so I'm in right now. You're sweating right now.

Right now, the anxiety is in full. Can't you take a pill for that? Well, yeah, I suppose I could, but I want to be alert and at my best for the podcast. Anyway. Is that the door guests now? We certainly can. But I'm sure they can comment on anything I have just said. Yeah, I have a podcast. Anyway. Is that the door guests now? We certainly can, but I'm sure they can comment

on anything I have just said if they feel like it. Yeah, I have a question. Where is the cruise going? It's going to the Caribbean.

Right, but do you get to get off the ship? Well, I certainly can get off the ship. I usually don't. That might be part of the problem. No, no.

Once the passengers are off the ship, that's when I can actually use the shit on the ship. I can go to the pool and go to the jacuzzi and not that's when I can actually use the shit on the ship. I can go to the pool and go to the jacuzzi and not have people. Have you made it with anybody on the cruise ship? You're using the word made it because we're with the presence of a younger person.

Have you stooped anybody on a cruise ship? Stooped? I did one time. You're not supposed to. You sign something that says you won't do that. Was it a passenger? Yeah, I don't want to get into it. Tell the story.

No, because technically I'm not supposed to be doing that sort of thing according to a signed agreement that I made with the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line Company. So I can tell you

off the air. And then you can tell me why you don't accept reservations at events. I think saying that you did it is a lot worse than nuts on the street.

Yeah, you're probably right. You're probably right. But also, I don't want to... No, no. It was the other cruise. It was the other one. That other one. Right? That's all you've got to say to cover your bases. Yeah, ituts on the Street. Yeah, you're probably right. You're probably right. But also, I don't want to... Yeah, but the other cruise. It was the other one. That other one. Right?

That's all you got to say to cover your bases. Yeah, it was the other one. Yeah. Are you still in touch with the girl you did it with? Facebook friends. Facebook friends. Can you show me a picture of her later? Sure.

Sure, I can. So, the three people sitting across the table from us, Dan, all... Are women. They're all women operating under the belief that comedy can be taught. No. Not necessarily.

I think there are people who have it or people who don't have it. There are people who have it more than others. Yeah, it's some and some. It's definitely some and some. I think people can... I think people can... I think people can... There are people who are funny naturally

without ever learning why they're funny, like what makes them funny. And then there are people who are less naturally funny, but if you actually literally give them a PowerPoint with joke structure, they can be funnier. But definitely, absolutely. And they can figure out, I think the difference is that a lot of times people don't actually notice

what makes them naturally funny. And often they try to suppress the thing in themselves that makes them naturally funny, because often the thing that makes you naturally funny is what makes you kind of weird. And so if you can actually just... Dan came to that realization right away. Yeah, it worked out great.

That's the hardest job in the world, being a parent, am I right? I'm an uncle, that's the easiest job in the world. We don't do anything. And I do more than most uncles. Like the other day, I was at my nephew's school play here in Manhattan. Now, unfortunately, I wasn't able to stay until the end of the play, though, because it sucked. So...

I had to get out of there. to stay till the end of the play, though, because it sucked. So, uh... I had to get out of there. Being an uncle is an easy job, and it's almost impossible to be a bad uncle unless you commit a sex crime. That's pretty much the only way to mess up unclehood. Like, if all you do is not molest

your niece or nephew, you're considered a reasonable uncle. You know, there's a lot of ways to be a bad father, right? Somebody says to you,'re considered a reasonable uncle. You know, there's a lot of ways to be a bad father, right? Somebody says he had a bad father, that could mean anything.

That could mean he wasn't there for you financially, emotionally, he didn't nurture you, he didn't care for you. But someone says he had a bad uncle, you know what that means.

Okay? There ain't no ambiguity there. You knew, right? You never had to ask, oh, why was he a bad uncle? You just ask, oh, how why was he a bad uncle You just ask Oh how often was he a bad uncle Where did he bad uncle you I was at my sister's the other day

She got two little boys of my nephew He's five years old He says to me Uncle Dan how come you're not married And then his six year old brother chimes in He says he just hasn't met the woman he has chemistry with yet. Isn't that cute? I said, you heard that from your mom, didn't you? He said, no, Mom thinks you're gay.

I said... If you actually can encourage people, young or old, to be like, that thing you think is weird that you're trying to hope that people don't notice, it's actually you're funny and if you double down on that you would be a million times funnier so I think that's the real key

it's more guidance I think you can guide someone toward how to formulate their simple thoughts into ideas by applying emotional pull to it or trying to figure out what their point of view is I think one good thing about a class, and I'm more or less of the mind that

it is very hard to teach. It's sort of an innate rhythm, I think, that you have. But I think that a class gives you a comfortable environment in which to practice. So I think that's its main advantage. Well, there's definitely a difference between

learning comedy... This is Carson Smith, everybody. Yes, advantage. Well, there's definitely a difference between learning comedy. This is Carson Smith, everybody. Yes, don't forget. There's definitely a difference between learning comedy and performing comedy. So you could definitely teach somebody about comedy and how to use comedy in their everyday life, how to be funnier, how to loosen up their sense of humor, how to notice the funnier things in life.

And that could be well and fine. They might never, ever step on a stage. There are different parts of comedy than just having a microphone in front of an audience. So Lynn, your class is not necessarily about teaching people to be professional stand-up comedians? It's both. I mean, I have,

I taught, we ran four classes. We had a pilot series for the last several months with teenage girls, and many of them do want to go into comedy. Some of them just want to be fun, and many of them do want to go into comedy. Some of them just want to be funnier. Some of them just want to know that being funnier will make their day better. And some of them want their speech for class president to be funnier, or to be able to deal with this guy Elijah at her school.

She wants to be able to sass Elijah back because he's lame. And things like that, just everyday life stuff. But some of them do really aspire to be comedians, and we like to open doors, you know, just give them a hand earlier. What is the,

give us the bullet points. What is the, what are the top three things, insights that someone could have to help them be funnier? What could you teach them? Personally, I think point of view is really important. Figure out who you are, what you're trying to say.

How do you view the world? If you're negative, if you're positive, if you're over-the-top confident, if you're completely insecure and neurotic. If you look at characters, different characters, like a classic female comic is Roseanne Barr. Roseanne Barr was one of the originals. You know, disgruntled housewife.

Simple, easy point of view. We know, disgruntled housewife. Simple. Easy point of view. We know where she's coming from. I think a lot of times people don't, they don't know where they're coming from so therefore their stand-up is not that strong.

Okay, point of view. Number two. Don't try to be funny. Ah. Don't try to be funny. You agree with that, Roy? You know what I mean. Yeah, yeah.

No, I get it. I get it. I just think you need to find out what, you need to ask yourself what is funny about it. Why is this funny? And you keep, I mean, for me, I tell my students, ad, no, I get it, I get it. I just think you need to find out what, you need to ask yourself what is funny about it. Why is this funny? And you keep, I mean, for me, I tell my students ad nauseum,

just keep asking yourself what's funny about this. Why is it funny? Well, because if they keep answering their own neuroses, they're going to figure out what makes the joke work. And number three? I think the third thing is the rule that applies to everything is practice. So if you are writing jokes, if you are working on jokes, it just has to do with not giving up and keep on working at whatever you're working on,

whether that's telling jokes in the workplace, telling jokes at school, or telling jokes on stage. I also think, but you have to recognize what works and what doesn't work. Like there are some people who get out, like there was a girl in one class that she, she just wanted to be weird, that was her thing. I just want to be weird. And I'm like, well, that's boring. There's nothing exciting about being weird. Why do you want to be weird. That was her thing. I just want to be weird. And I'm like, well, that's boring. There's nothing exciting about being weird. Why do you want to be weird?

And she just eventually was like, because I'm sick of getting made fun of for being weird. I just want to be myself. And I was like, great. So then be yourself and skew your jokes and your perspective so other people can understand how you feel. It's all about feelings. I mean, stand-up has a lot to do with whether you're frustrated or angry or

worried or nervous in general and then you can apply those feelings to whatever situation and make people relate. That's why I can watch Richard Pryor, who is a black male who talks a lot about prison and drug abuse, which I've never dealt with any of those things,

but I can laugh at everything he says because he can make me relate to how he feels about what he's talking about. What percentage of the time in these classes does the student spend performing? In class? In my class they don't get up until the showcase. We basically have like a...

I wouldn't go to your class. I think it's ridiculous. Listen, let me tell you the issue. For me, the microphone is simply an extension of your voice. Well, you have to figure out what you're talking about first and be comfortable with that, and then you get up on stage and perform. I couldn't disagree with you more.

Well, then you got to come see one of my showcases, which you never do. I've seen so much. My students do really well. This is what I think. My students do really well. You need to go on stage every day, and that's going to teach you,

if you have any insight as a person 95% of what you need to learn and then an instructor can help maybe guide you to correct what's not working but I think it's just like music the first lesson you need and I think you need it every day

you need to take that bashing you need to not get laughs you don't need somebody to tell you. Because I know, I can just imagine. Teacher tells you, you know, that's not really. And you're like, yeah, sure. The teacher doesn't know. They need to see it for themselves.

Get up on stage. Have the audience bomb. Bomb on day one. Yeah, but that's if somebody's just going right at stand-up and they're not taking a class. That's how you learn. Well, then they shouldn't take classes. It's like saying you should learn baseball, but don't take batting practice every day. You've got to take batting practice every day.

Right, but they're not going to get up and play a game if they've never batted before ever. But they need to bat. Batting is getting on the mic in front of the audience. But not when your entire team is relying. No, it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, someone still taught them the basics at some point. There are no basics. There are basics.

There are basics. There are totally basics. This is a sales pitch. still taught them the basics at some point. There are no basics. There are basics. There are totally basics. No, there are people like me who were naturally had strong stage presence. Since I was a kid, that's just how I've been. And there are other people who come take stand-up comedy classes

because they, like Lynn was saying, they're trying to either figure out something in their lives, how to become more confident or whatever. I'm going to give a creative writing course, but don't write anything until the last day. No, that's bullshit. You have to write every day. That's not a good comparison. Any skill you want to teach.

You don't do that skill once on the last day of the class. I'm sorry. That's what I think. But that's different because it's not because that's – you're saying your analogy would actually be you can write all you want but don't show it to anybody. That's a little different. But we have a... Veronica has...

I'm not saying Veronica... We have a different model just because we teach it in one day, which is a totally different thing. Yeah, I have a six-week workshop. Yeah. So we do this thing. They come in at 9.30, and at 5, they work all day, and at 5.30, the parents and friends show up,

the lights go down, and MC gets on stage and says, you guys ready for some show? But what we do is we don't leave the microphone to the last minute. We actually have them get on stage with the microphone the minute they walk in. I'm with her. But they haven't written anything yet. They're just getting used to the mic thing. Every comedian says, when people say, how do I become,

they say, you need to perform. Go to every open mic. Do five shows a night. This is what. You have to write jokes first, though, Noam. You have to write jokes first. You can't get up on stage and be like, oh, because I'll tell you right now, it's called a bullshit, shitty open mic. That was actually alt comedy in the 90s.

It's a horrible, horrible idea. Get up and go, oh, so my dad called. And like, it's so annoying. No, no, you got to write jokes. Do you have to write them first? so annoying. No, no. You've got to write jokes. You have to write them first. Every day. Write some jokes.

And then get up. Once a week and then get up. Write them up and you just blew your own theory. You don't just get up on stage and talk and tell nothing. Keith, come here. You've got to talk into the mic. But Keith, you have to talk into the mic. You have all week to write your jokes.

You come to class. Come on, Keith. He's going to talk into the mic. You have all week to write your jokes. You come to class. Come on, Keith. If not... He's going to talk into the mic. Go ahead. This is Keith Robinson. You can't teach comedy. Period. Comedy has to be done, not taught.

But why can't it be both? And you make mistakes. Yeah, but you have to write it. It's going to be both. You don't need nobody teaching you comedy. The stage teaches you comedy. What do you know about it? You're upsetting Carson.

But do you get up and you tell your jokes? I get up. No, sometimes I get up and talk, and then I have to learn to write the jokes. No, you write the jokes, then you get up and perform it. No, you don't. Not everybody does that. I don't want to get up and stink. Well, look.

So what? I want to get up and be good. You're upsetting Carson Smith. She's only seven. Here's the thing. How old are you, Carson Smith? I'm however old you guys need me to be today. Listen, here's the thing.

Every comedian that has ever made it has mentors. They talk about comedians who they watched for hours and hours and hours before they became comedians who inspired them. Those comedians taught those comedians in a way. That's how it happens. So what we're doing is we're just offering mentors. That's absolutely wrong. Who did you watch? Who did you watch? Did you watch

no comedy growing up? I got on stage. You learn by going on stage. You gotta do this. I don't believe that. With jokes you've written. It's been done. But with jokes you've written.

No, I didn't write a joke. I went on stage. You just went on stage and talked about nothing. That's true. That's what happens. So everybody has a different method. But when you go on stage, you only learn by the audience. You don't learn by a goofy teacher telling Now we don't have to be mean, Keith.

You don't learn nothing by goofy teachers teaching you. Well, there's goofy teachers, and then there are teachers who have been doing stand-up for 20 years. Exactly. They can fucking mop the floor with your bullshit that you get up with every night. Right along, ladies and gentlemen. Wait a minute. I'm back. You know, I would say that... Where was I?

Oh, yeah. Well, I wrote jokes for like a year before I even got on stage. I didn't have a teacher. I just wrote jokes at home. And every now and again, I call up a friend and say, hey, do you think this is funny?

No, you shouldn't have done that, according to Noam. You should have just gotten up on stage and just talked. Well, in any case... No, do not... No, that is what you said. That's what I heard too. Don't hash my words.

The point is I didn't have a teacher. I don't think I would have been helped by a teacher. A teacher is simply someone who's going... You can bounce shit off. I said just talk. You said get up on stage every single night. I said you need to... If I had a comedy class, every week,

everybody would have to get on stage and do some time. Their assignment for the week would be to write something, and you get on stage, so you practice every week. What is the heart of the matter? What do you think I do, you dope?

What's what I do? Well, I asked you... They don't get up and do a show. I mean, every fucking week. It's a class. But they do their jokes out loud with each other. They do their jokes out loud with each other they do their jokes

out loud yes of course they do but they don't perform in front of an audience they should perform in front of themselves and they should be

going to open mics every night well they're just beginning and I would say no I'm also a factor that you're not factoring for me

I didn't have a teacher and I don't think I would have benefited I don't think I would have benefited from a teacher but that's like no that's honestly...

But, but, but, but, but, I will say that there's something, that there's a lot of anxiety with regard to comedy, and I think if you can get into the pool, slowly dip your toes in and go in little by little, a class can help you,

in my opinion, might help you to enter the pool. This is a terrible analogy. Forget the pool. I think a class can just help you get into things in a less anxiety-provoking fashion. I agree. Rather than just going to an open mic. Ruined my whole day, by the way.

My whole week. But you know me. I'm an anxious guy. We discussed this. But my first time doing comedy, my whole week was shot. I was so nervous. And I was in law school at the time. Couldn't pay attention to the teacher talking about the rule against perpetuities because I was busy thinking about my comedy set.

I don't want to get too much into real estate law. Well, forget about the rule against perpetuities. So I do think that a class can benefit you in that way. In my opinion, can funny be taught? I don't know. I'll tell you what can be taught. I'll tell you what can be taught. The business can be taught.

You can teach the business. I could tell a young Carson here, I could say, look, here's how it's going to go. This is what's going to happen. How's it going to go down? You know what I mean? You wouldn't be the first. I'll tell you how it's going to happen. I is what's going to happen. How's it going to go down? You know what I mean? You wouldn't be the first. I'll tell you how it's going to happen. I'll say, look.

Carson's got attitude. She's annoyed with Keith. Well, look. Carson is very young. And, you know, she has the confidence of youth. You know, but don't worry. In a few years... I also have the confidence of doing hundreds of open mic nights.

Oh, good for you. Nobody said you weren't funny. She looks a bit like Blair from The Facts of Life. That's of no real relevance to this discussion. I'm a little too young to get that reference. You call me an old fool? No. It's on Nick at Night.

Do you want to be a professional stand-up, Carson? I do, yes. Do you want to be a professional stand-up? I can tell you in a few minutes how it's going to go. I'm going to tell you how it's going to go down. Generally speaking, if you're going to make it, you'll know within five years.

You'll have a... You'll have some gigs. You'll have a taste of... Within five years, you'll know. Go to the open mics and go to the regular shows and do all the comedy and be nice to everybody. And even be nice to Keith Robinson.

I know he was harsh. Really, his bark is worse than his bite. I know you don't like him. He seems lovely. I'll buy him a drink later. You'll get somebody else to buy him a drink. Everybody that's made it big, be it Louis, be it Amy Schumer, be it Aziz, within maybe seven years, they're already getting shit.

Which is it, five or seven? Five to seven. Five to seven. You'll be getting shit. If you're going to be getting, in 99% of cases, there are very few people 20 years get nothing, and then all of a sudden they get some shit. So you'll know.

At four years, don't worry about it. At five years, you turn over the hourglass. You have two years. That's it. In that thing, after seven years. That's the rule of At four years, don't worry about it. At five years, you turn over the hourglass. You have two years. That's it. Stop it. After seven years... That's the rule of perpetuities, I think. If after seven years, no industry is interested in you, nobody wants to work with you,

nobody's giving you shit, it's probably not going to happen. But she has an additional challenge. She's very attractive. That's not a hindrance. That's not a challenge. It's not a hindrance in a certain way. In another way, people She happens to be. I didn't want to say that. That's not a hindrance anymore. That's not a challenge. It's not a challenge. It's not a hindrance in a certain way. In another way,

people are going to be unscrupulous. People are going to be encouraging her just to be able to have contact with her and they might disillusion her. Is that something you did?

You know what? I think that Dan is Dan-splaining comedy to you, Carson. Dan-splaining. I like that. Dan-splaining. That's like saying, you know, Einstein is Einstein-splaining. I like that. Dan-splaining. That's like saying, you know,

Einstein is Einstein-splaining equals MC squared. Yeah, he's the guy to do it. I'm the guy to do it. I've been putting in 24 years in this game. Underappreciated, but nonetheless.

Now, do you teach your young ladies, and you have, I was going to open up a school for young girls, but nobody signed up. But seriously, though. No, do you teach your young ladies, and you have, I was going to open up a school for young girls but nobody signed up. But seriously though, no,

do you teach your young ladies about the, what Noam has just said, this is a real issue about the predators in this business. Listen, you have to make every man

think that you, they have a shot. That's it. Just a little bit. Just let them think it. It doesn't necessarily have to happen. But then once you're married

and pregnant and shit, it's all fucked. You're done. We're going to have Veronica teach that module. Yeah, that's fine. If a't necessarily have to happen. But then once you're married and pregnant and shit, it's all fucked. We're going to have Veronica teach that module. Yeah, that's fine. If a man asks you to open for him, you know, you have to, and he's not gay, you have to consider the possibility

that he's asking you that for those reasons. Depends upon where you're opening. If it's like a laundromat in Brooklyn, then I'd say more than likely he's trying to get some action. But if it's like Madison Square Garden, then... On the other hand, Brooklyn has some very funny laundromats. They do. If it's like, I want to take you on the road with me.

You know, I want to take you on the road. No, yeah. But I would hope that you as a comedy teacher are explaining this aspect of the game to these young ladies. That's why every man thinks they have a shot with you? I think that's a good rule in general. That's a good rule. It's to never be like nice to one man and not nice

to another man. You just always have to be nice and let them wonder like, hmm. Isn't that an anti-feminist point of view in a way? I don't give two shits. Just curious.

In all seriousness, Dan, I think part of what we want to do is we want to give girls and women more comedy and we want to give comedy more women and girls. Right? And so, yes,

we want to give girls and women more comedy and we want to also give comedy more women and girls. Right? And so, yes, we want to give girls and women more comedy and we want to also give comedy more women and girls. Why? And the reason why this is an answer to what you're asking is that part of, if we, and it won't just be us, it'll be everybody and definitely

like the tide is turning in this direction. If there are just more women in comedy, more and more and more, it won't be so interesting when there's a female comic who might be available. There'll just be like a shitload of women in comedy. And I think that it'll sort of naturally lead fewer dudes to be predators because it just won't be so interesting. Like, oh my God, a lady's here.

Wow. I don't know what's ever going to happen. I'm giving you a chance there. That's the dumbest thing you ever said on this radio show. Come on, I gave you a chance there. Let's be realistic. I mean, that's the one thing I always tell. In fact, I had two very, very female-heavy classes.

These last two classes were almost all women. Am I supposed to tell my daughter to always let a guy think that they have a chance with her? I can't tell my daughter that. No, your wife needs to tell her that. It's a good strategy. I don't want her to do that. I don't want her to have to live in the world. She doesn't have to do that.

Where she has to trade on her sex. She doesn't have to do that until she's like 12. Anyway, listen. I think the thing is that with females in comedy, the best you can do is be the funniest you can be. Sometimes I get frustrated with shows called Tits and Giggles. I'm always like, oh, come on. Can we just please just do a show that's funny?

I like being on a lineup. It's me and eight guys. This is comedy we're talking about. If that's the case, I love it when guys... The other one's called A Train. Go ahead. Don't say that in front of the girl. She's probably already seen it.

If somebody comes up to me and says, you know, I usually hate female comics, but you're really funny. I never take that as an insult. I never do. I always say, well, then you haven't seen the right females. And I think that's, unfortunately, that's the way it is. I mean, it is what it is. It's like you'll always be looked at differently. You'll always have to prove.

Like I always feel like when I get, that's why I always have a killer opener. I want to have a killer opener so I don't have to spend the first couple minutes of my set having to prove to people that I'm funny. It's immediate. It's up front. Are you guys all operating under the assumption that the reason that there are fewer female comics is something about sexist or society? Yeah. What do you think it is? I think women are less drawn to stand-up comedy in general. And I don't know beyond that. I do not ever assume that any disparity...

For instance, I don't believe that the reason the NBA is almost all black is because they're racist against white people. And I would take that analogy to any situation. I look at it something, and you'd have to explain to me why it is. Just don't make me assume that in a perfect world

everything would just break down exactly the way 50% would be this, 50% would be that, 10% would be Jewish, because we know that doesn't exist I mean does that is that the case in long-distance running I mean it's just not the case in right well you're exactly you're talking about talent so when you say the NBA is mostly black because black athletes are talented it's not because white athletes aren't getting out there but with female stand-ups it possibly is because female standards are being out there because let's think of the reasons

why women in society and especially in American society, we have all these ideas about femininity and about being gentle and soft and quiet. And when you think back to your high school, your middle school, your elementary school class clown superlative, it was probably a white Jewish dude. Probably. Whoa, whoa. Noam? Can we speak to that?

No, no, go ahead. I mean, that's just how it is. Girls aren't told to be funny. They're told to look for funny men to date. I said they're not drawn to it for whatever reason. But they're not encouraged is also the thing. Many people are drawn to it. I was drawn to it.

Some people are. Me too. Women are told to laugh. Women are told to laugh and giggle. I hate that word, giggle. And they're told to not tell jokes. You know what I mean? I think it's also more that women are very often encouraged.

Having a daughter, I see this a lot. People say, oh, she's so pretty. You're so pretty. You're so pretty. You're so pretty. I've never been a big feminist rah-rah person, but having a daughter does change your perspective on how women are viewed. And sometimes I kind of

want to say, can you just not, I mean, I always tell her, looks are not, it's not that important. It's not that important. So let me push back on this. More than 50% of law students are now women. There's plenty of women comic actresses. There's plenty of women in all sorts of things, but still stand-up comedy.

Many of them have to work twice as hard to get half as far. Yeah, but now stand-up comedy. I don't know if that's true. Let me tell you that. And they're paid less. Not in my law school class they didn't have four or twice as hard. But I will say this though, when a female comic if you have a lineup of eight men and one woman and the woman doesn't do well, everyone's going to say female comics suck. You could

have five of those guys that are horrible and no one will say, yeah, men. No one's going to say, what's happening to men in comedy? And that is a really, that's really frustrating. I agree with that statement. Yep. That goes back to what I was saying about numbers also. I mean, I still remember when I did stand up in the 90s

and I was the only woman in the lineup all the time and the emcee would almost invariably say, and now we got a lady coming to the stage. Oh yeah, all the time. And then I was dismayed to find that that still happens.

I've actually asked hosts to just say, can you please say this next comic just to hold off the whole girl thing for like just to have a second. I don't blame you.

My name's Carson. People have no idea that I'm a woman until I get on stage. You're at, what did you say? You're at Vanderbilt University? But you want to be

a professional stand-up comic? Right. Well, I hate to say it and your parents wouldn't like me saying this to you, but what the fuck are you wasting your time

in college for? Yeah, I agree. It sounds like the two of you went to law school. What are you talking about? She has something to fall back on. Fall back on it

and just ride or die, baby. Put everything on one number and let it roll? Let it roll. No. Let it roll. I think Robin Williams went to college, didn't he?

I'll tell you, who didn't go to college? I don't think Sarah Silverman went. Louis C.K. didn't go. But you know what? Louis C.K. dropped. I don't want to speak for Carson, but you know what Carson is doing in college right now?

A shit ton of comedy. That is where she works in the club in Nashville. She does improv. Yeah, she does improv. She is doing comedy now. I know she's having fun. Look, college is fun. I mean, it wasn't for me.

I had a terrible time. I never made it with a woman. But college, I'm sure she's having a good time. I suspect that in 50 years, that 50 years from now, women will not be half of the stand-up comics.

I agree, I agree. I think there's something more going on. There may be something innate about comedy that is innately masculine. No, no, no. It could well be

the stand-up comedy. Well, now, hold on now, Carson. Now, hold on now. It could well be the case. Hold on now, Carson. Hold on now. It could well be the case. Do you mean stand-up comedy or do you mean humor? I mean, stand-up comedy, comedy is an aggressive, you know, you're provoking an aggressive reaction.

You're up there. It may be that there may be gender differences now. I don't know this for sure, and I haven't made a study of it. And you have no stake in it. And I haven't... I don't care. Yeah, I have no stake in it.

People say, oh, you're sexy, you don't want it. No, I'd be happy if women were the majority. As a club owner, I don't care who makes the audience laugh. It could be that there might be... As long as they're white. You say it's ridiculous, but what are you basing that on? And maybe you're right.

I think it's just that there are... You're never going to change men's opinions like majority male opinions. I don't think that's going to happen. Let me give you an example. I did a club. I was headlining. I walked in. There were about four guys that were going to go on before me. I was paid zero attention to

and I walked up to the owner and I said, Hey, I'm Veronica Mosey. I'm here to headline tonight. And he goes, Nice boots. And I was like, Nice boots? With a T. With a T. Nice boots. And I was like, Alright, fucker. I swear to God in my head, I was like, I cannot wait.

And these guys that went on before me were all horrible and did the hackiest, crummiest material ever. And then I got up and I killed, and I'm not trying to be a bitch. I've been doing this for 20 years. I was just like, I know what I'm doing. I have the skills. Then I get off the stage and the owner goes, you did pretty well for a broad. And I was like, wow, it just doesn't end.

What a jackass. We all are in agreement this is noass. Well, the whole point is even after you... We all are in agreement this is no gentleman. No, but I'm saying that this is... He said broad as well.

Yeah, that was really sweet. That was really sweet. But it's one of those situations where you... I think the biggest thing I would love women to know if you're going to go into comedy is

don't expect to change the world's attitude. You just keep being yourself. You do you. Don't go... I wouldn't go in with a big rah-rah like the bitches bitches are here, like that type of attitude. Just be as funny.

Because Oprah Winfrey said the fight against racism, which I think can also include sexism, is excellence. Right? So the better you are and the more powerful you are and the more jokes and laughs per minute you have, if you're undeniably funny, you're going to get booked. Do you agree with that? Of course. Agreed. Well, I'm not so sure that we're getting off topic that the antidote to racism is excellence. I mean, the Jews have been doing it for thousands of years.

They hate us worse than ever. The more Nobel Prizes we get, the more they throw us out of their country. Carson. He has a good point there. So I don't know if that formula is universal but Carson do you want to be

usually you want to be a professional stand are you talking about like going from town to town from improv to funny bone what's your goal what's your goal do you want to be on TV

doing like Tina Fey I'm definitely ready to work the clubs I know that's how how it happens it's all about connections and yeah I think that's the path

to eventually getting booked eventually You don't need any connections to work here. All you need to do is send me a video clip that makes me laugh and you can work here. You should not have said that on air. You're going to have 3,000 submissions. That's okay. I'll watch it when I get around to it.

The truth is that you don't need... It used to be... You have to be referred. Used to be. It wasn't that it was political. It's just that there was no way other than seeing somebody in person to audition somebody. So there was a bottleneck there. But now, anybody says to me, can I?

I say, sure, send me a videotape. I mean, you don't need to have, it could be your first day in comedy. I don't care. You definitely don't need to have any connections. I think you're a very unique club owner in that regard. I don't think so. Oh, yeah. I think he is, and I agree with Carson.

You'd have to be an idiot as a club owner to not be ready to play. There are a lot of idiot club owners out there. Fair enough. Yeah. But you still prefer if someone's referred by someone who works? No. You can't watch all the videos is the point. No, I can't watch...

So you need someone to refer you so you know which videos to watch. Right. I don't get that many videos, to be honest with you, and it takes me around 30 seconds to watch them because you know right away they're not funny. And... What was the other part you asked me? I don't know.

Anyway, so... Referrals, referrals. me? I don't know. Referrals, referrals. No, I don't prefer the referrals because usually the referrals are some comedian trying to... It's not like they're referring them to me because they're trying to hook me up. They're referring their friends. This is what happens.

Somebody works at the comedy show and their friend says, can you tell SD? Yeah, no, but none of us are going to refer. You think you can tell SD? It happens every week. Somebody refers somebody and we audition them

and they bomb all the time. Really? I don't refer people simply because I'm saying I don't really want my name attached to. I say to Estee this. I say, Estee, you want to be my friend? He's a brilliant comic. He comes over. I say, you've got to be my friend, Fred.

He's a brilliant comic. Then when Fred leaves, I say, he stinks. But I don't want to tell. With one comic, I don't want to tell one comic. With one comic, I don't want to say, it was Sherrod. But, uh, he referred somebody one time, and literally I haven't forgiven him. I'm so

upset about it, because it was just an outrage. Did you let the guy do a live audition? Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, boy. And it was such a violation of trust. Where the hell's Brianna? You tell me Brianna's not coming at all? Oh, well, she texted an hour ago saying that she was still at her college orientation in the Bronx, and it was going to take her at least an hour to get there.

She's never going to make it. Is that Fordham? No. Begins with an L. Lehman? A Lehman College. Is that an accredited university? Yeah.

Whatever. It's not Vanderbilt. No, if that's what you're asking. I've never heard of Lehman College. You have now. Did Dave Chappelle go to college? Probably not. Yes.

Did he go to college? I believe he went to college. But Chappelle truly wasn't a prodigy. Eddie Murphy, no way he went to college. No. I don't think Chappelle is a college graduate, but he might have gone to college. Chappelle was performing when he was like 19.

I think he went to a really good high school. I think his parents are teachers. Morgan Murphy, I'm pretty sure, didn't go to college. You know Morgan Murphy? Now this is a girl you need to know. That's one thing I want to ask you guys. I'm sorry, Dan. I didn't interrupt, but that's how women operate. That's what the guy at Uber said, and he got fired

just this week in the news. Really? Oh, I didn't hear that story. Yeah, the board member, yeah. So, do you expose these young women to our foremothers, like, you know, Phyllis Diller, et cetera, et cetera? Because I can't tell you how sad it is in my class when I will show a DVD of a whole bunch of clips

of great comics, and people will say, now who's the lady with the gray hair? I'm like, Phyllis Diller? Who's the redhead who's married to the Cuban guy? Yeah, but she wasn't a stand-up though. She's not a stand-up. But like, or Rita Rudner,

or you're just like, you don't know any of these people? They only know the last couple of years. That's it. They don't know anybody from the olden days. Except I think you're making the mistake that you don't want people to make

which is Phyllis Diller was a great female comic but she's not one of the great comics. Oh my God, yes she was. Phyllis Diller?

She was on par with Dangerfield. A hundred percent. She has not stood the test of time. If I show somebody a five minute highlight of Dangerfield, 100%. She has not stood the test of time. If I show somebody a five-minute highlight of Dangerfield's career and show them a five-minute highlight of Phyllis Diller's career, I do not think they're going to consider them on par.

We should do that. My male students will say I've never seen that stuff, and I really liked her a lot. You think Phyllis Diller is on par with Rodney Dangerfield? Sure, same style, one-liner style. She had the same amount of laughs per minute. You're going to have to send me a Phyllis Diller is on par with Rodney Dangerfield? Sure, same style, one-liner style She had the same amount of laughs per minute You're going to have to send me a Phyllis Diller Well, Carson, who are your female idols?

I mean, besides Veronica Mosey and Lynn Harris Of course Besides you guys Go ahead, hit it I feel like we're Silverman, obviously I was basically raised on her stuff She's great

Lynn and I actually had to go see Jenna Friedman tonight, I think She's a new face But here's the thing I was raised on male comedians She's great. Linda and I actually had to go see Jenna Friedman tonight, I think. She's a new face. But here's the thing. I was raised on male comedians. My dad would bring home comedy records and they would be Steve Martin, George Carlin. They'd be Richard...

You know, Richard Pryor was the diversity pick for us. So it was just... I grew up thinking that women weren't funny because I literally was not exposed to women comedians until I finally... What I'm saying is, why can't you look at Carlin and Steve Martin and want to be funny like them

without bringing into the fact that you're a woman and they're men? When I hear a musician... You don't have to. I was the same way. A female guitar player, male... You're playing guitar. You're telling jokes. Like, why do you have to listen to Phyllis Diller?

It's whether you think they're funny. There's a difference between thinking they're funny and seeing yourself doing it. I guess. I mean, I memorize Carl and all that stuff, but I, you know, go ahead. I know people who will, women, I've heard actually, my mother-in-law, get on a plane and then be like, and she was a female pilot. I'm like, right. I would have been right off that plane.

As a percentage, female pilots are rare, less rare than they used to be, but they are. That's my point, though. There's an instance where women have foresight. Women don't generally hand a beard to someone and say, here, watch this. We don't do that stuff. Actually, I bet female drivers actually have lower insurance rates. They're probably safer, actually. So my point is that in comedy, a woman is always going to be looked at as a woman first and a comedian second. I'm going to ask you a question.

Is Trump funny? No. No. To laugh at? You don't think when he called Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas that was first-rate comedy? Come on now. No. I say that's hack.

He was pretty hacky. That's the most obvious hacky joke in the world. I hadn't heard anyone else say it. Yeah, that's right. It was funny, right? You can't give the devil his due. Trump is funny. People have always said that he has a good sense of humor in private.

In private. Trump is funny, no? Trump is funny. He's funny, right? Yeah. Yeah, I think he's funny. That doesn't mean you have to support his politics. You can't bear to say one thing about him.

No, I'm trying to think of anything he said that I've been like, wow, that was really great. He had some good jokes written for him at the, what was that? The dinner where he bombed. The correspondence dinner? Yeah, the first few. No, no, no. He had some good jokes written for him at the dinner where he bombed. No, no, no. The one with the Catholic organization. I can't think of it. He had a bunch of great jokes at the beginning.

Yeah, they were written for him. Clearly written for him. But he owned them pretty well. And I was like, oh, wow. And then it all went straight to hell when he went off script. So, no, I don't think he's funny. Because when he went off script, he blew it. When he goes off script, trying, no, I don't think he's funny. Because when he went off script, he blew it. No, when he goes off script, trying to be funny, but I find that when he was in the debates, he made me laugh more than once.

I like to say that he said very, very a lot. You guys, I knew exactly the answer I was going to get, but I just wanted to see it for myself anyway. This has nothing to do with politics. This has nothing to do with politics. Of course it does. I think conservatively, though. Obama was very funny, right? I didn't think he was funny at all.

You didn't think Obama was funny? I don't lead. I'm a libertarian. I don't think he was funny at all. You didn't think Obama was funny? I'm a libertarian. I don't lead towards either party. But you don't think Obama was funny? I thought he had a lot of jokes written for him. Oh my god, Obama's like a natural, I thought. No? No, I didn't think Obama

was funny. He wasn't a joker. I think people gave him a lot of credit for jokes that he didn't write. Andrew Schultz, can I ask you a question on the air? Get a microphone and speak into it. Is Donald Trump funny? Yeah. They think he's a hack.

I think he's hacky. What is hacky about it? He just kind of does old school saying people are stupid and stuff. He doesn't have anything intelligent to say. It works. We're old. We like old humor, I guess. What's his best line? What's Trump's best line? What's his best line? Is it the Pocahont old humor. What's his best line? What's his best line?

Not everybody has great lines. Some people are just funny. That's another line you come up with. I think it's really funny. He's funny in a blue collar way, actually, which is kind of ironic because of how wealthy he is. But like, do you ever hang out with like, I don't know, union guys and you see them bust balls and like they'll just say

something that's maybe antiquated, maybe it is kind of hack, but it's so funny. I need a specific joke. Pocahontas, goofy. Calling a senator goofy is hilarious. Even calling Jeb Bush low energy is hilarious to me. What about calling ISIS evil

losers? That's funny, but I don't think he's trying to be funny. Pocahontas great And to double down on it People are like That's racist He's got the self confidence And the brazenness

Of someone who's funny I don't think he would Work at the cellar Say again I don't think he'd work At the cellar He may not have an act He's a billionaire

Nobody is a billionaire That works here We've got some close to it Seinfeld Seinfeld's close Seinfeld We've got 100 million to it. Seinfeld. Seinfeld's close. Seinfeld. We've got 100 millionaires that work here

on a fairly regular basis. He doesn't need to do it, right? Ray Romano. That's true. I don't think he's a professional comedian. Hi, how are you? Hi.

Everything good? Good, good, good. Is this the political podcast? No, no. Let's let our... No, I don't do it, though. Let's let our guest back on the mic.

Thank you, Andrew. What's that? I lean more conservatively. You're assuming it's politics. I just don't think he's very entertaining. I'm just asking two comedy professors what they think about if he was a guy in your class,

you wouldn't think, oh, this guy's got some talent. No, because he also would be kind of a dick in class, clearly. What does a dick have to do with talent? It would just make me... Do you know how many dicks work here? No, yeah, a lot of dicks. No, that's true.

That would make him not funny, necessarily. I don't think you would understand punchlines and stuff. The dickier ones are funnier, to be honest. He would just want to get up and say shit. He wouldn't have any idea how to deliver a joke. And he wouldn't be wanting... He would just be like, right? Yeah, he wouldn't want to listen. He wouldn't want to idea how to deliver a joke. And he wouldn't be wanting... He would just be like, right? Yeah, he wouldn't want to listen.

He wouldn't want to give other people feedback. He would just be like, blah, blah, blah. And I just... It would just... No. Well, I think he's funny. Anyway, go ahead, Dan. That's okay.

Trump, send your tape in. Because no one said he would look at it. Bill Cosby looks like he might get acquitted. No. Yeah, it looks like he might get acquitted. He rested at, what, six minutes was the... What was the statement? They presented six minutes? Did he rest for six minutes? He's 80 years old. Isitted. He rested at, what, six minutes? What was the statement they presented?

Did he rest for six minutes? He's 80 years old. Is that what happened? No, no, no. They didn't prove it. Well, he certainly, whether he's acquitted or not, he's at least been punished in a sense that his reputation has been completely, his legacy has been stripped from him. So at least he has gotten some punishment for what he's done.

I just think that why wasn't the prosecution's case or their thing just like, look at him? That's what should have been the whole. Don't you think instead of wondering why these women, if they actually got drugged, that every woman should have just been like, look at him. And then he just would have been guilty because that's true. Like why would I bang him? Yes, he's disgusting. He's so ugly. Don't make that argument to my wife.

Listen, I want to ask you a question. Juanita would have had sex with Bill Cosby? No, that was like self-deprecating humor. It didn't work. Bill Cosby was a wealthy, successful, funny man. So he would have had a lot of women would have wanted to have sex. Yeah, I guess. I don't know.

He's rich and powerful and famous. And he's handsome, actually. He always was. I mean, he's really... He's deteriorated in the last few years, but this happened years ago. And he's charming. Carson, before we go,

clearly you're perturbed by this whole hour. I see it in your face. I'm very sensitive to people. You're not... You didn't... The bubble over your head is not complimentary to Dan. You're not. You didn't. The bubble over your head is not complimentary to Dan. Wait a minute.

To Dan? Or to me. What's going on in your head? Spill it. Nothing. Don't be honest. Don't hold back. Let me tell you something.

You can say anything you want, and if you're funny, you will still work here. I promise. So help me God. I'll tell you what I think you're reading. I look pissed off all the time. I know it. Oh, resting bitch face. Dan and I, we know.

We know it. And that's, I think you're just forgetting that I'm a comedian and that we all look like this. We all look stupid. I don't believe somebody looks pissed off all the time without having something pissed off inside them. Oh, you don't know my past? No, you really don't. You do have something pissed off inside you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay. But nothing to do with that. Maybe nothing to do with that. Nothing to do with what's happening at the stadium. Nothing to do with that. But you are pissed off. What about your past? We have time for your past.

Go ahead. I mean, I'm not going to get into this on serious, but I had tragedy in my family when I was younger. Well, maybe then you're in the right business. That's true. Most of us are damaged in some way, whether it be from personal tragedy or any other psychological problems that we might have or fear of cruise ships. Do you talk about this on stage, though, your tragic past, whatever that might be?

Not quite there yet. Still working on how to work the material in. Well, just get up on stage and talk about it. Just talk about it, yeah. Well, look, I will say this. I don't know if that's a final word or is it. You know, the fact is that being a woman in comedy has some disadvantages. It has many advantages.

Number one, you're relatively rare, as we've discussed. The novelty advantage. Then there's applying to men. There's less of you. I will say this to you, that if you are legitimately funny, I think the future looks bright for you as a comedian because you are attractive, you are a female, and you are young. I think that's a trifecta. And she's very funny.

I said at the beginning, I said if you are legitimately funny. I'm just reminding. I'm just bringing it back. Just bringing it back. Bringing it back. I do think it is a significant advantage to be female. Given the same level of

talent, a male and a female having the same level of killing on stage, I do believe that it is easier for the female to go further. No fucking way. Nope. Nope. No way. If you could have a test tube baby designed to have the best shot at being a successful stand-up comic,

sex, race, everything, what would it be? Right now? Right now. It would be black male. I believe it would be. I'd say black male. Black male? Well, it's the diversity thing.

So the diversity you're saying works when you're black but not when you're a woman? Correct. And why do you? It's not the same thing. I'd have to be a lesbian. Or a Latino lesbian with one leg. That would just make me the most diverse thing ever and then it'd be...

But Indian comics now are very, very hot. Yeah, that's right. You're right. Also Arabic comics. Muslim comics. You're right. Indian is a big... And what's last on the list? White guy. White male?

No. People say that. No, that's still the default setting. People say that. That's just the default. And that's not true. There are still more white males in comedy. I understand. But you're saying it has two baby.

Oh, it has two baby? Oh, yeah. You make him a white male. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I will say again, given an equal level of talent, I do believe the woman will go further. Why? Because they're rarer in this business.

Now, maybe that won't be the case in 10 years. But for now, it is the case. And they're actively, people actively looking for women, not just... I think that to work a comedy club, it might be like some idiot at the Funny Bone might not want to book a woman. But in terms of television opportunities and writing opportunities, absolutely the woman has the advantage.

And she will be paid 30% less. No, she won't. No female writer I know, and I know a few, are paid a cent less than their male counterparts. Not if there's a union. Yeah, it's union protection. I'm saying in length.

By the way, it's not 30%. We had the woman who wrote the feminist Fight Club book and what did she say? It was 7% less? That is changing.

In the business, it's always the same. It's 7% less on a national basis. But I think the demand is less. The demand is less for sure. It's fascinating what you said

that white males have the least shot. No, I would... Given a level of talent. Now, if that white male is superlatively talented... No, no. All things being equal. Then he might be able to overcome... I thought we were talking about what's trending.

What's trending in comedy now. Well, it's another way of asking the same thing. There was a recent list on Rolling Stone. We're getting that guy in here, right? The Rolling Stone? He made a list of the top ten comics to watch. Now, Ray Allen alerted me. Aruba Ray Allen.

You may or may not ever meet him. But he alerted me to this list. Who's on it? And nobody on this list. There's only one white male on the list, and he's gay. So everybody on this list. Now, you may say this list is of no significance. But to show you where people's mindset is, this list was all non-male.

There was only one white male on the list and he was gay. So we'll leave it at that. Now you might say it's because all the best new comics

are non-white males. But I don't think so. I think that diversity is very much in people's minds and it is an advantage to have that diversity factor. I think you're right

that people are welcoming like new, different, whatever you want to call them, perspectives. I think you're right that people are welcoming new, different, whatever you want to call them, perspectives. I think that's right. But they're also picking stereotypes. That's the big thing. Now it's like you have to pick somebody that really lives that stereotype out. You know what I mean?

It's like when you watch American Idol and there's a really fat girl who sings well and they're like, you look so comfortable up there. What they're saying is you sing pretty good for a fat girl. We're not expecting a fat girl who sings well. And they're like, you look so comfortable up there. What they're saying is you sing pretty good for a fat girl. Because we're not expecting a fat girl to sing well. What are you talking about? The opera's not over until the fat lady sings.

But what I'm saying is in rock, in that business, in the pop business, we don't really have any heavy people. Adele, obviously, has changed a little bit of this. Yeah, but between Aretha and Adele, there's been nobody. And what I'm saying is I think it's like that with this whole

diversity thing. It's like, as long as you can either shock audiences, that's all casting shit. That's what I think. That's my point. And also to go back

to the payment thing, you guys are totally right about the union sameness, but there's only been one woman on the Forbes top paid comedians list, and that was last year.

Schumer, right? Last year, and it was Amy Schumer. So, in the big picture, it's still not even. Well, people get paid as comedians because of who they can put in the seat, not because of any anti-woman conspiracy. That's not a salary. That's because Amy fills a theater, she gets paid. Sure.

I can't fill a theater, so I don't get paid. Regrettably, alas. It's still the numbers, though. There's one woman in history on that list. Well, it may be. We haven't had enough women in comedy. It may be. What about Ellen DeGeneres?

No. Not Topless? Not Forbes? Hmm. Just saying. Well, it's a sad day, folks. On that note I don't know if that's sad

Or women just haven't been in the business In large enough numbers It may be that the public responds to men I don't know Can I make an analogy In the days where black people Couldn't play in the major leagues You could easily make the argument

Look Look at these players. This guy could hit home and give real examples of people who, if not for bigotry, would be rich and famous. Right. You're only doing half that. You're saying there's only been one woman in the Forbes list.

Okay. Tell me the actual name of the female comedian that you think is just as funny as Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, who is not getting, is not being treated fairly. Otherwise, I'm saying, you know, there just haven't been any women.

It's possible, you know. Tell me why there's no white guys on the championship NBA team. I don't know what the reason is. But you have to give me the name of the people who you think are not getting a fair shake. If you can't do that, this is a matter of faith on your part.

This is not factual. I think there are less women I do believe that there are less women that pursue it. Maybe if there are more. I mean, for me personally, I can't stand when I see I don't like seeing a female comic who sucks. I think every female comic needs to be amazing.

Amazing. But I think every comic needs to be amazing. I can't stand when anybody has stage time and they stink. It drives me crazy. So, I mean, the fact that women who aren't very good get up and get, like, you know, there's like a... I don't want to pick that. We have Comedy Central. Fuck you, Comedy Central. You never used me anyway. So,

Comedy Central will give specials to fucking a bazillion people who have like zero experience and can never do even more than 20 minutes. And it's because that's what they're looking for that year. So I think that's the problem too is when it gets to be that when it's when women are trending rather than being appreciated for being funny, that's my issues. I just want to be looked at as somebody who's funny. So I'm hoping that with your school, especially because it's all geared

towards women, that it is really about be as funny as you can be and be a unique individual. Yes. Wasn't SNL reputed to be sexist for a long time? They're always being accused of the cast not having this or that.

And now Kate McKinnon just dominates the cast of SNL because she's the funniest one, right? I mean, it's just, it all melts away once the actual person comes along who's really, really funny. And then all of a sudden,

lo and behold, they rise to the top. There's a difference between acting also and writing comedy, right? So Kate McKinnon, she's on the cast. I'm sure she does some writing.

But for the most part, she's reading jokes that were probably written by men. I don't know that. Well, SNL, there's a lot of... You could be totally right. I'm sure she does some writing, but for the most part, she's reading jokes that were probably written by men. I don't know that. Well, SNL, there's a lot of... You could be totally right. I still know.

Yeah, I don't know that. I just know SNL, there is a lot of, a lot of the cast members also are involved in the writing. But I don't know. And a lot of what she does, it doesn't seem

will be easily written for her. Some of it just seems like her own character. Oh, she's so funny. I know. All right. Well, I, you know. I thought this was a very good episode.

Noam, what advice do you have for young female comics that are starting out in comedy? What do you think? I gave my advice. Well. As an owner of probably the most successful club in the country. We're at a time when anybody who answers a question like that, frankly, risks saying something which could be interpreted in some crazy way to be hung over his head for as long as the internet exists. You've said much worse stuff than whatever you're about to say.

I've also said that the biggest threat to the comedy seller right now is my big mouth. I'm just really worried that one day I'm going to say something that I believe. Everybody in life now just has to go on saying things that they don't really believe. Everybody. Everybody just saying stuff like

I said to Dan last week and he said if you're a bunch of white guys and somebody says something racist about blacks, people will really get offended. Even a close friend will get offended. Another close friend will say, dude, what's with that? But if you say something which is considered publicly to be sexist about women, these fucking bitches are nuts.

Not once will a guy ever say, please don't talk that way about women. No, they don't say that. They say, whoa, dude, no. No, they won't say no, dude. No, they're telling you they won't. I've heard the most ultra-liberal guys I know say stuff which, if they said it out loud, it would be the end of their career.

Because the fact is, you can hook up a guy to an electric chair, he doesn't view, he does still believe that women are different, and he's going to stereotype women and feel it's okay to comment on the difference between men and women.

You can't do that about races and for good reason because that really is racism. But to utter almost anything which says there's some real difference

like we had the guys we fucked girls on was it two weeks ago? And they said to me I asked them why is it that Craigslist is filled with sex workers for men? There's a massage parlor on every corner. What were the other examples?

I mean, just like... All for men, all for men and nothing for women. Porn, like everything, everything about sex for money is geared to men. Because a woman's happy ending would take like two and a half hours. And she's like, well, women, it's because there's a stigma. I'm like, no, I think there's something different between male and female. What's that? And a safety issue.

Do you think that women also just don't have to pay for sex? Yeah, that's true. I think there's a difference between male sexuality and female sexuality. I think Carson makes a great point. You disagree with that? No, I was just going to second Carson's point. There was a big article about that on Wall Street.

There were two articles actually in the last two weeks saying that. But anyway. But anyway, they were outraged. All right, but what does this have to do with your advice to young women in drama? Go into porn instead. No, so my advice would be don't think about being a woman. Don't assume that anybody who says something is because you're a woman. Just put it out of your mind because it will... It could be that somebody is treating you with some sexism.

However, that kind of heroin of the excuse, once you consider that it could be because you're a woman, you will resort to that excuse all the time to your own detriment and fail to see where you're falling short on the merit system. That's a great piece of advice. I also think that make your comedy. I just want to talk to you because

you're a young female comic. Well, I hope that... You're the future of comedy, Carson. Shush, I'm talking. Jesus, Dan, stop it. Well, you interrupted me earlier, but go ahead. I did. Just know your place. Veronica, right here. No, make your comedy as broad,

pun intended, as broad as possible, where you can entertain a group full, like if you had to do a room full of guys who are like between the ages of 35 and 60. If you can make those guys laugh, you can make anybody laugh, that's your whole goal.

That's what I really, I think is so important. Can I tell you something else as a guy? And this is, it bothers me when, this is, maybe this is sexist, but I'm just telling you how I feel.

I recoil when women are extremely vulgar in their comedy. It always bothers me. It bothers a lot of people. Taking a shit. Why is that? What do you think of this? I actually don't like it when guys do it either.

Yeah, I think men too. It turns people off. But it bothers me more when women doing it. Often because I, first of all, because I do feel it defeminizes them

in a way which, for whatever reason, I react viscerally to it. I don't really enjoy it. Totally. And B, and maybe even more importantly, quite often I feel they're doing it them in a way which for whatever reason i react viscerally to it i don't really enjoy it and b and maybe even more importantly quite often i feel they're doing it uh uh to make a point or because they feel like they have to prove themselves or whatever it is shock value shock whatever it is yeah and i i don't think that's a that's a good path to go down but yet but

yet we see amyumer, we see Sarah. These women are hardly prudish on stage. Yeah, but it's different. They're doing fancy, thoughtful, advanced versions of that, which is different. I never found Sarah Volger on stage. I mean, her best joke's definitely not. And Amy, no. No, it's like they're provocative,

but it's not cheap. What about Lisa Lampanelli? She was, I don't know, is she vulgar? No, she's more racist than anything. Lisa's edgy and does a lot of generalizations about race. Margaret Cho, too. Yeah.

Ali Wong can get dirty. Can she not? Listen, some of the comedians who do this, they are very, very funny. It's the dirt, when they're dirty and vulgar,

it's the part of their act I don't enjoy. I'm not trying to say that. I think it has to be purposeful. If you have a really, really good joke about anything, then do it.

But if it's kind of just like, I just want to mention how I had diarrhea yesterday and isn't it hilarious to picture me? It's gross. It just makes people... My advice would be to you to do this. If you want to go to Vanderbilt and finish up because you're having a good time, fine.

I think it's a waste of money. What's your major? I'm on full scholarship so it's no problem. What kind of scholarship? What do you have? Play music? No, no, no no I actually major in Russian and film production and

are you Russian no no Niant Niant right Niant my advice to you

my advice to you is this I think you're going to do it I sense a purpose I sense a I don't necessarily think you're going

to be Amy Schumer but if you're telling me you want to make a living in the humor world, I think there's a 90% chance that that can happen. I think you can do it as long as you just... It may not be on stage. It may be as a writer.

Believe me when I tell you I know people with marginal talent that are pulling this off. I won't mention names. Oh, you can say that again. I want to state for the record that this thing about the vulgarity thing, I'm telling you, I'm totally open

and this may just be my age and my sexism. No, I don't think you're wrong. I'm not saying I'm right about it. No, no, no. Well, I just want to say that what Noam just did, he does every week.

It's called the Noam Back Pedal and it's a feature of our show. No, I said it at the beginning of what I said. I mean it. I'm saying that could just be a generational thing. No, I said it at the beginning of what I said. I mean it. I'm saying that could just be a generational thing. No, I don't think so.

He always says something that he regrets as part of the show. Aside from yourself, Gnome, one could argue that the three most important people involved in the business aspect of the Comedy Cellar

are all women. I'm curious to know, is that a coincidence? You're talking about Esty the Booker, Liz Ferriati the manager. Right. And Juanita.

And Juanita his wife. Juanita has nothing to do with the comedy. She has nothing to do with the comedy. Is she not an important figure here? No. All right. Then the two most important people. It's like Melania Trump is the most important figure in the United States of America.

What's the question? Is that a coincidence? Yes, it's a coincidence. Don't you think it's a coincidence I mean we before Liz we had Michael wasn't

that was at any point did you ever think that you might get with any of those women did they ever give you that hint all the time

oh Esty oh yeah no not with those two particular women but but had they they'd be running

the club right yeah yeah they'd be owning the club, right? Yeah, yeah. They'd be owning the club. No, they do run the club. Noam has had some experience with some of the waitstaff over the years. But whatever, that's neither here nor there. Every organization has intramural. You didn't have to sign anything like you did.

Look, Carson, I wish you luck. Thank you. I think you've shown me today, you've demonstrated, I think, a willfulness and a... She's done one thing wrong, Dan. What's that? She's given absolutely no, even daylight to any possibility that you might be able to get with her. This is true. She did not take Brian's advice.

No, you can't see looks. You can't see looks. Come on. I saw a wink there. I saw a wink. Still trapped, Dan. Still trapped. Don't be stupid.

Come on. Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself's still trap, Dan. Don't be stupid. Come on. Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself. The wink was for Andrew. Oh, okay. Look, it's a shame that Brianna couldn't make it. I know. I know.

Shout out to Brianna. She's focused on school tonight. That's important. I don't believe her. I think that's a bullshit excuse. But anyway, Lehman College, the whole thing doesn't pass the smell test. All right, we have to go. You ready to sign off?

I just want to say, because I often do this as a wrap, a good episode, Noam, I thought. I don't know. I don't know. We'll see. No, I thought it was a good episode. What did you think, Calabria? Thumb up or thumb down? Thumb up, yeah.

I thought we brought up a lot of good issues. I hope you ladies had fun. Oh, yeah. Obviously, that's not our top priority. Top priority is good radio. But if you ladies had fun, yeah Obviously that's not our top priority Top priority is good radio But if you ladies had fun That's icing on the cake I want to tell everybody out there

That if you want to pay money So somebody teaches something Only do it if you already have a lot of talent At that thing already In which case a teacher can really help you It could be fun I took tennis lessons for years It was fun

I knew I was never going to be Andre Agassi Yeah okay fair enough I didn't realize how bad I actually was But I knew I wasn't great I mean guitar lessons for years. It was fun. I knew I was never going to be Andre Agassi. Yeah, okay, fair enough. I didn't realize how bad I actually was, but I knew I wasn't great. I mean, guitar lessons are great if you have musical talent. You are both entitled to a free meal here at the Comedy Cellar.

That includes drinks. I don't know, Carson. There's three people here. Carson, are you 21? Yes. You are entitled to a beverage of your choice. I don't think she's 21. That didn't sound like it.

That wasn't an honest yes. There was a moment. There was a moment there. That's the first time I... I'm not sure you're allowed to order the steak or the pork chops or the lamb chops,

but anything else is free. All right, can we go? Can I get the steak or the lamb chops? Yes. Okay. You get whatever you want. Thank you.

Next week, I won't be here, but I'm sure it'll be an okay show. Yeah, enjoy the cruise. Thank you so much. Yeah, enjoy the cruise. We'll try to get a female in just a few. Goodbye.