The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Wil Sylvince & Paul Mercurio

Episode Date: April 23, 2016

Wil Sylvince & Paul Mercurio

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar show here on Sirius XM Channel 99, The Comedy Channel. We're here at the world's famous Comedy Cellar. My name is Noam Dwarman. I'm here with the lovely Kristen Montella and our producer, Lou Witzke. And, of course, Dan Natterman. And we're going to be joined by Will Silvins. And hopefully some other people who were a part of this documentary will stop by. But as I said, as I was saying, I usually run afoul of Dan's better judgment right at this point in the show. Even Will sitting here

now before we invited him to sit, that sometimes irks Dan. And Dan has been threatening to quit the show and I'm worried about it because I don't want him to quit the show. If he does quit the show, I want him to be on the air. But I don't want him to quit the show. So I want Dan to say how he'd like

it to be. Well, you beat me into submission. So you'll find it's a new Dan Natterman. A Dan Natterman, a docile I want Dan to say how he'd like it to be. Well, you beat me into submission. You'll find it's a new Dan Natterman. A Dan Natterman, a docile... Laissez-faire? Because I can't fight... Laissez-faire? Laissez-faire? I can't fight you anymore.

Did you see the documentary? Last night, a documentary aired on TruTV, which I don't get at home, about the Comedy Cellar. Yeah, this is a big thing. The history of the Comedy Cellar. This is a big thing in Comedy Cellar history. And I did not see it because I don't have True TV, but I assume you saw it. Well, Dan, you're a big part of the documentary.

Wasn't I a big part of the documentary? Because I saw the previews. Yeah. And I noticed that I was a small part of the previews. And I must say that... Well, but I was smaller than, say, for example, Lenny Marcus, just to pick a name at random. I had

less of a role in the trailer. Well, they didn't want to give it all away. No, so you were a big part. So the documentary's on TruTV. It's airing all month, and it had the premiere on Monday night. The Cellar episode is not airing all month.

The series is airing all month. No, the Cellar episode is going to be airing all month. Oh, it's going to be airing. And it's on demand. And, you know, when they came in and wanted to do it, of course, as usual, everybody in my orbit told me not to do it. But it turned out to be a fantastic documentary. Although they made me look like a corpse. Like, oh my God, I don't know, they put makeup on me and I didn't look at it.

I looked like a pale white corpse. I didn't recognize myself. Will is really holding back right now from making a comment. No, I don't want to overstay my welcome. I understand that I'm not liked on this show. So I'm trying to keep it minimum and I'll talk when I'm needed.

Now, having said that, I thought you saw the documentary, Dan, so I thought we were going to talk about it. Well, because I said yesterday I emailed you, do you want to talk about the documentary? Should we invite the producers? I did invite the producers. You did not respond. Okay.

So I figured we weren't doing a show today. Okay. And so I didn't come down and watch the documentary. So listen, so the documentary, Dan features prominently in the documentary. It shows him on stage. It shows me arguing with Dove about almonds, which I was surprised at. That's all I saw in the preview

it shows you arguing and it also shows you talking pretty poignantly I would say about the life

of a stand-up comic and how this is where you guys make your living and how you spend your days and you were pretty good Dan

now Will on the other hand was maybe the star of the documentary, I have to say. Because all the biggest laughs came from Will. How's that feel, Will? I think the laughs came from

the staff and the inside. No, no. First of all, there's one scene with Will and Jay Oakerson. How's it going? Just watch the show. Will is telling Jay,

and Jay's like, what? He goes, and Jay goes, what? He goes, ask him. He goes, there you go, Will. It was so funny. I like working with Jay. Jay's amazing to work with. Very comedy heavy, I may say.

Very comedy heavy. So can you guys tell me about this? I was just talking to Paul Mercurial, the great Paul Mercurial. And he said that there's a law. I'm so into politics. There's a law now that people can't use the bathroom if they're transgender. Yeah, in North Carolina. What's the law?

You know about it, Dan? Well, transgenders feel like they should use the bathroom that they feel they should, the way they feel. So if I feel like a woman, I should use a female's bathroom, even though I have a penis. You sure do. The law says. There is no way Will's penis would be allowed in a woman's bathroom. Oh, my God. The law says. Will has a huge penis.

The law says you should use a bathroom that your birth certificate says you are. But I heard that Caitlyn Jenner was changing her birth certificate. She still has it, or he still have a penis. I'm not going to call her a she until

they cut the penis off. Is that fair to women who got vaginas walking around and doing vagina things and then he gets to call a she and she still got a penis. I'd like to know what are considered vagina things that we do.

Menstruating. Oh, okay. Well, that's not going to change even post-op. So you're against that? What do you think about that, Will? Well, this is what the lawyers say. What do they do in Haiti, first of all?

Outside, you just pee outside. No, no. Well, you got two sides. You got one side. It's not about they hating on transgenders, but they concerned about kids, children, who are using the bathroom. They see a grown man

coming there with a wig on and pull his penis out like, hey, hey, little girl, I just got to use the bathroom. I think that's what they're afraid of. I don't know how to respond to that. Dan, you have an opinion on this? I

need to reflect more on the matter. Hey, Paul, you want to chime in? Wait, politically, is North Carolina a... It's a red state. It is a red state? Oh, my God, Kristen. I don't know. I lose track.

Listen, on the one hand, we have to presume that these people with these various gradations of sexual preference mixed with gender identity, like all these, that these have existed throughout time. And that for the first time, people who have all these fine slices of gender issue are able to live out in the open. And that's a wonderful thing, right? We should all be happy about that. Even you agree with that, right, Will? Yes. But there may be no way to totally equalize the

bum hand that nature has dealt these people and the public accommodations thing. There is no right answer to that because you don't want to take your daughter in there with a guy who says he's a woman. They don't even have to wear a dress, right? I mean, like you say, I'm a woman.

I can use the bathroom. Right. Well, but wait a minute. I mean, you can't ask them to prove it. I mean, guys can go in there just to look at girls, right? That's what I was going to say. I think that's probably more of the concern is that it's hard to police.

It is hard. You're leaving it entirely up to... Where does the law stand on using... I didn't know that the law entered into... I thought it was just a custom that men use the men's bathroom. I've seen women go into the men's bathroom when the ladies' bathroom is full, for example. But there's someone standing at guard watching. I know, but legally speaking, I didn't know that the law got into...

Yes, as a matter of fact, in the underground, we used to have all unisex bathrooms and they made us divide it into two areas. Men's bathrooms, single stall, like each stall has its own door.

Yeah. It's not even still rooms. It's not like you can see the legs or anything. And they made us put a wall between them because men, we had to provide

separation for men and women. What part of the government regulation polices that? Is that the rest? Well, look, you got to provide separation for men and women. What part of the government regulation polices that? Is that the rest? Well, look, you got to think about the airports. Like, just a classic example, at the airport, there's all kinds of people, all age groups, going to the airport and using bathrooms. So you can't have men, forget transgender, but you can't have men just going to the women's bathroom. Because if there was no law, like, also just men could just go into the female's bathroom and check out women.. Also, men could just go into a female's bathroom

and check out women and like, hey, ladies, what's going on? Pick up some ladies and see what y'all doing. I think in New York, it's the Department of Health, though, isn't it? Isn't it the Department of Health? The building's department. The thing that really threw me was that

there was no conversation. The public conversation about this didn't defend this part of the argument. No one said, hey, wait a minute. We understand transgender people shouldn't be discriminated against, but I don't want my child in a bathroom who's a girl with a guy

with a penis who thinks he's a woman. Especially a penis like Will's. It feels so great. We've gotten so PC that you can't even have so great. We've gotten so PC that you can't even have the conversation. I've got to let horses use the bathroom.

My poor Mila walked in to make pee-pee and saw Will's horse cock. I don't even know. She's never going to farm again. Literally, I don't know

what she would do. I can't even imagine. That's not a democracy. So you're against it? With your horse cock, yes, I'm against it. You need one of those things outside, like, you must be this short to ride. Like the opposite. They're going in, a female bathroom does not have a urinal, so you'd be going in a stall.

And nobody would see. Still, you're buttoning your pants. There's the opportunity to see something. And look, I... Or just farting. There's just the fact that that side of the conversation didn't happen speaks to, like, how PC we are, that people won't even entertain something

that goes against the transgender community, which seems weird to me. You should at least be able to say, hey, I got a kid and I don't want my kid around those people. But to answer Dan's question or statement or whatever that was, some guys, they pull their penis out when they get to the door. So, like, they got to pee so bad, I witnessed they had their penis out. They open the door, their penis is out, and then they go to the stall

or they go to the urinal to pee. So even if you do have a little stall. I've never seen it. Having said that, I've never seen it either. I know you must be talking about yourself. Sometimes. I have to be. I've seen it.

Sometimes. Thank you. I've seen it. Well, sometimes and often after I've eaten a meal high in lactose and then I'm running home,

I might start to unbuckle my pants in the elevator so that I'm ready to go when I get to my toilet. Are you lactose intolerant? I have issues with lactose. So why do you eat it?

Because sometimes you just do. Sometimes you want some ice cream and no one's going to tell you otherwise. Sometimes you've got to live dangerously. But it's not just necessarily lactose. That's an affliction. I think there's a hummus here for some reason. Let me just say that when I eat the hummus

here, a Subway is not an option. Let me ask you this. They put milk in it. I don't know what goes on with the hummus here. There's no milk in there. No, there's not. It's just ground chickpeas, really. There's almost no other ingredient. It's ground chickpeas mixed with tahini, which is ground tahini. I don't know, but I've

had experiences where after eating the hummus, I have to get home as fast as I can. I even have to, even if it means taking the FDR drive, which I don't like to do. Why don't you like the FDR drive? Well, it always costs a lot of money because you've got to go all the way to the east. Oh, the taxi costs more. The taxi costs more. But think about the money that you spend in, you know, soiling.

Well, absolutely. Now, so far, and I keep, I say knock on wood, I've always managed to make it to my toilet bowl in time. You know, God has blessed me. Why don't you just wear it?

I don't have these issues. Why don't you just wear it? Well, you're talking about you've never had, like, you're running into the house and you're like, and you tell your wife, get the hell out of there,

I'm coming. No, I've never done that. You're insisting on having ice cream in your lactose and why don't you just say this is the day I'm going to have ice cream and just wear, like,

an adult diaper? Yeah, seriously. Well, I don't do that, but what I will do is, typically when I have ice cream in your lactose, then why don't you just say this is the day I'm going to have ice cream and just wear an adult diaper? Yeah, seriously. Well, I don't do that, but what I will do is typically when I have ice cream, I try to do it within a half mile radius of my apartment. Can we get back to, I can't. You can and you will. I don't see how. I want to ask a question. Were you actually born in Haiti, Will?

I was born in Brooklyn. He's born in Brooklyn. No one knows why he talks like that. Talk like what? His parents have an accent. I told you I talk like that. I grew up with my parents and my grandma. They had strong accents, and I was around them most of the time.

Yeah, but I knew a lot of Asian kids, for example, growing up that lived in Asian homes, and their English was, they spoke English with perfect clarity. Because their parents beat them to speak clearly. No, but they studied. No, not studied. When you grow up in an English-speaking environment, even if your parents have an accent, Beat them to speak clearer. No, but they studied. No, not studied. When you grow up in an English-speaking environment, even if your parents have an accent,

you go to school, unless you were homeschooled, that would explain it if you were homeschooled. No, but you got to say, I spend most of my time at home. And black people don't homeschool. And I spend whatever hours during the school. Do they? I never heard it. Huh? I spend a lot of time at home. Okay.

So I'm around my parents, my grandmother, my family a lot of time at home Okay So I'm around my parents My grandmother My family a lot And then in school This amount of time So Well But that said Don't change a thing

We love the way you speak We don't understand it necessarily But please All this time I thought you grew up in Haiti That's why I make the jokes I did too If you came to my house

You'd think you was in Haiti. What's there? Like a voodoo doll and stuff like that? No, just people talking. Why you do these all the time? I'm actually white. This is a birthmark. You should whisper that to him?

He says it's a birthmark. Can you believe it? I was joking. I was joking, baby girl. I tell the cops that every time I get pulled over. And they be like, are you serious? All right, go ahead. Just drive slow. Can you believe that guy? I feel sorry for him. I'm about to beat him and shit. I'm actually from Haiti.

When my dad first came to America, he used to think the solution from getting deported was just pretending you're not Haitian. That was my dad's solution. If immigration ever come up to you, just act like you're not. You Haitian? No, you Kwezi, I'm not Haitian. Uh-oh. I've been in America five years all my life.

Why you say this? Who tell you that? Who tell you that? Your voice told us that. Your voice says you don't belong here, sir. Well, it's delightful whatever. Do you believe in voodoo? No.

Voodoo is just like, do you believe in magic? Do you believe in, do you believe? So it's a dumb stereotype. It's not true, do you believe? So it's a dumb stereotype. It's not true that Haitians. Yeah, it's a dumb stereotype, and they just put it on everybody. But a lot of Haitians, the majority, it's like a small percentage of Haitians that do voodoo or believe in voodoo. But the majority of them do not believe. No joke.

All joking aside, and I don't know a lot about Haitians. What is a couple of the common traits that are true about Haitian people different from other race? Oh, we know one. A horse cock. Well, you seem like you've really seen it. I've really seen it. Will showed up. None of your business. All right. Why wasn't I invited

to that party? This segs nicely, if I may. Talking about Will's horse cock. Well, he didn't answer the question. I'm curious. No, let him say it. Go ahead. When last we spoke with Will, he had taken a vow of celibacy.

Now, this was purposeful. And do you mind discussing this, Will? Oh, yeah. I don't mind. Yeah. It was a change of life. I just wanted to have more control over things that control me.

Like example, you're saying you like milk. Milk disturbs your body, but you can't help but eat ice cream. So it's the same thing. I didn't want these things, these outside things controlling me, like whether it's sex, whether it's foods, procrastinating, playing video games. So I wanted to grab control of these things that took a hold of my life. That make sense? And was it hard to kind of move away from some of that?

Especially the sex. I mean, you're a good-looking guy. Sex was easier, more or less, because I was not held. Contrary to what y'all believe, I'm not that lucky with the women. So it was not that, a bigger, a big jump. How long did you go without having sex?

Oh, March 2007. March 5th? Was the last, March 5th, 2007, I believe. And still?

Wait, wait, wait. Till now? Now? Yeah. What? You haven't had sex?

Everybody calm down. Everybody calm down. You haven't had sex since March 5th, 2007? You had your nine year anniversary. Yeah. You masturbate then, right? You said your nine-year anniversary. Yeah. You masturbate then, right? Yeah, I masturbate.

That looks cool. Why don't you give that up too, Will? Come on. You really want to be uncontrolled. Well... Are you fucking insane? What's today? What's today?

Let me tell you something. April 19th, Will gave up masturbating. Can I say something? It's 19th, by the way. April 19th. That's what I said. You said 18th. Whatever.'s 19th, by the way. April 19th. That's what I said. You said 18th. Whatever.

April 19th, 2016. Let me tell you how I was able to control these things in my life. Example like you. When you want to give up something, you have to replace it with something else. Sean, Will's giving up masturbating starting today. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Make some flyers so you have to replace that hole because it becomes part of our life literally whether it's sex whether it's eating ice cream it's a basic bodily

it's a basic human instinct it seems a little extreme to go nine years whether you're dating someone there's some people they cannot stop dating like when they quit a relationship

they gotta get to another one cereal can I just ask you was it that it was like all consuming you and it was not stop dating. Like, when they quit a relationship, they got to get to a new one. Cereal. Cereal. They want to fill it up. Can I just ask you, was it that it was, like, all consuming you and it was taken away from, like, your work

and focus and stuff? It was just a habit, something you do. Yeah, but, like, it seems extreme to go nine years. I thought you were going to say a couple

of months or something. All right, can I say this also? I'm not mocking you. You think you still know how to do it? Another thing. It's like, it's like,

if I message you, like you just for some sex. He's talking to Kristen. Go ahead. I don't have no, I have no, I don't even want to marry you. I just want some vagina. Right. Then it's like, it's pointless. It's like, all right, I guess I'm going to watch.

What do you think she wants? No, I'm saying what I want. It boils down to what you want first. I'm saying she doesn't want anything more from you. No, no, no. But hold on. Let me, let me, let me. I'm saying what I want. It boils down to what you want first. I'm saying she doesn't want anything more from you. No, no, no. But hold on. Let me, let me, let me. I'm sorry.

So even if you want the same thing, but still, I don't know, you might have some diseases or you might, you might, I might hit you with the good stuff and you might change your mind. Like, you know what? I want it. I want more. And then, so it's a bunch of headaches. And then, and so I just, I just. You're saying, you're saying you're, it's not worth getting laid for one more. And then, so it's a bunch of headaches. And so I just, it's easy to masturbate. You're saying it's not worth getting laid for one night, then you suck her into it. She wants more, and then you suck her into it.

Oh, whatever. There's so many other things that- But do you think that now, because I noticed this, I mean, I don't want to compare the two, but for example, I've done fast before, and you get over that hump, and then it's like, you could do it forever. You don't miss it. Yes. Yeah.

So are you nervous now that you'll just never want to have sex again? No. If you see porn, when you see porn, does that trigger anything? Hold on, I'm not perfect. There's things like porn, I still watch porn, I still masturbate, I still eat carbs,

certain carbs that I had rid of but I went back to them. But how would you break a sex fast? still eat carbs, certain carbs that I had rid of, but I went back to them. So I still have these- But how would you break a sex fast, so to speak? Like, how do you- Just get into it. No, how do you stop? Like, at one time you say, okay, from now on, I'm just going to look for a relationship, and then, like, how do you ease, you know, you ease back into eating by starting to eat,

you know, salad. It's not even about looking for a relationship. It's about finding someone. Because one thing, when you're looking for something, like in a relationship, you always find the wrong one. That's my question. So you won't break your fast, so to speak, until someone, you meet someone that makes you want to.

Yeah, I'll make it happen. But in nine years, you haven't met somebody like that? I've been meeting so many losers. I meet either they're losers, they're married. A lot of women, I went on to like five different dates with girls that are married. And like on the third or fourth date, they'll tell me, oh, I have to tell you. Why do you keep meeting married women? At that point in time, I was just meeting married women.

By the way, I think it's really hard for comics to date. Because we have a completely different... We're working when people are socializing. I think it is. And then the people that are working with us, you probably don't want to date them. Mentally unstable. Yeah.

It is not hard for comics to date. Yes, it is. One last thing, we're not on a date. Well, but don't look at me. I mean, yeah, obviously. He shits his pants. He can't get anybody to date him. I don't shit my pants.

No, I haven't. But I acknowledge it. I don't shit my pants. No, I haven't. But I acknowledge it. I don't date either. But I acknowledge that I'm a mental case. I don't try to shroud it in this zen-like thing where I'm giving it up to take control. I just have real problems. Well, everybody had their own reason. It might not necessarily be her.

And I do have sex from time to time. But I'll tell you what, boy. Everybody got quiet. Do you pay for it? I'm not joking. Seriously. I mean, I from time to time. But I'll tell you what, boy, this is... Everybody got quiet. Do you pay for it? I'm not joking. I mean, I'm not... No, I mean, I have, but no. Yeah.

But I don't understand why you would pose that question. Well, because you said you're having... Because men have been known in the history of mankind to pay for sex. Let me answer your question. Because you just said you have a lot of struggles in your mental case with women, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you said you had sex. I'm not saying you have to. You're a good-looking guy and you're smart.

You can get women. That's why I asked. But first of all, there's nothing wrong with paying for it. Yeah, exactly. It's illegal. I didn't mean it as an insult. Oh. Fair enough.

No, but, Noam, you said it's easy for comics to date, but it's probably not easy to be in, to have fine, healthy relationships. There you go. There you go. You can date. I've dated. I went out. And then you meet these people. How hard can it be for a guy who works 20 minutes a night to find time to date?

You can find time to date, but you're not going to find a person that you want to spend a lot of time with. First of all, I have to jump in when you say we work 20 minutes a night. Because we do spend a lot of time thinking of ideas. But you can do that at any schedule. No, there's a lot of other things to what we do. Listen, I was being purposely exaggerating by saying 20 minutes a night.

I'm saying you have a very flexible schedule. Time is not the issue, though. It's easy to find time to date. Who said that was a problem? Yeah, time's not the problem. So I don't know what the other reason is that it's hard. Well, the other reasons are, according to Paul, is that, and I think he's not wrong,

is that we tend to be working at night when other people are free, and on the weekends we're working when other people are free. So our schedules are often in conflict with other people, but I certainly think it's possible. That's why you bang waitresses. Right, and there you go.

Why are you shaking your head? Because they're not talking about... Every comedian dates waitresses. But they're not talking about having access. They're talking about

having relationships. I'm saying, I married a waitress. It happens that way. It's not about access to vagina. He wants more than that. He wants something that's going to be lasting.

Well, hold on. In retrospect to what you're saying, you tend to date... Did you say in retrospect? Oh, okay. My bad. What's the right word? I don't know.

I didn't hear quite the word exactly. I thought you said in retrospect to what you were saying. That's what he said. Go ahead. Okay. Well, that's not quite the right word. In relation to.

So, in regard to what Norm was saying, we tend to date people that we're around. Like, you're not going to date a construction worker if you're not in the construction working facilities. You know what I'm saying? You're not going to date a construction worker if you're not in the construction working facilities. You're not going to date someone who built video games.

So we tend to date people around. We don't go out of our area. If he meets a lawyer who works a day job and she wants to do something on the weekend. Also, when he said that we date waitresses, we tend to date people that's right here.

Let's just, we got off this a little too quickly. Grand genders. No, no. So is this what you're saying that it's been nine years, but you are looking for a relationship, and when you find Ms. Right you will then throw down. Give her all this penis.

Then you're going to give her every inch of that 80. When you have sex do you only give her like half the penis and say you're not Mrs. Right so you just give her part of the penis?

He doesn't give any of his penis. Maybe just a little bit. So you are that's what you want like you kind of like like romantic like you want to have sex on your wedding night.

I am a hopeless romance. I do, I, when I do date or have a girl, I care a lot. I do, I go above and beyond

for them. So I, you know, like, so I do want that. When you start having sex again, how long do you think you'll be back,

like, up to speed? Like, where, you know, like, where you can actually do it for more than five seconds. He's releasing the crack in now.

So he's going to be fine. It's not something I don't think you lose. It's like riding a bicycle. Plus the fact that Will is in tip-top. Do you know how quickly he's going to bust? No, because he's not abstaining entirely. He's busting a nut. That's not the same thing. No.

Come on. Yeah, but it's like you practice. You know about it, Kristen. Shut up. I'm just saying. Put it this way, Norm. It's like you train to box for a fight as opposed to someone who never trains and then that night of the fight. You know what I'm saying?

Does that make sense? So you're like a champion and then you're retired? I'm training every night. I will say that also Will's in tip-top shape. We used to go to the gym together. I gave up. But Will's in tremendous shape. His cardiovascular fitness

and his muscle fitness is both very superior. So I think that the woman is in for a good time. I think it's too big in for a good time. I mean, you know, I think... I think it's too big. I've seen it. It's too big.

I wouldn't want you anywhere near my daughter. That's for sure. That's like... It's too big for any man. For a woman, it's not too big at all. Right, exactly. Let Kristen decide that, not you. Well, it's pretty fucking big.

Well, how many inches? I remember seeing it... It's like 10 inches. In a photo, though. And seeing it in a photo is not quite the same. It was very impressive. But what was it? many inches? I remember seeing it. It's like 10 inches. In a photo, though. And I think in a photo it's not quite the same. It was very impressive. But what was it, 10 inches or so? The family.

11. Did you get that from your dad? Your uncle? The point is that I don't know. I mean, this is so stupid, but you can only fit so much. You never know. And then the rest is in the way. It seems to me the ideal length penis

would be a penis which fits exactly exactly maybe he's waiting for that woman vagina talking about length

he's waiting for the woman whose penis who will fit exactly his penis will fit exactly and beyond that becomes like oh she can hurt herself you know

I've hurt a woman from time to time everyone's looking at Christian as as Noam saying that yeah exactly everyone's looking at Christian as he was saying that. Yeah, exactly. Everyone's looking at Christian as he was saying that.

Well, yeah, you're a short girl. What do you think? It has nothing to do with being short. People have different depths, vaginal depths and whatever. Yeah. It has nothing to do with height. I assume that yours and Judy Gold's

are not the same. Right. Well, hers is angrier. I don't think there's a correlation between height and... I don't know. There's got to be. By the way, speaking of Judy Gold, she was amazing on the show.

Oh, yeah, Judy Gold was fantastic in the documentary. She was fantastic. Oh, my gosh. She's so funny. The whole documentary was really, really, and Esty was fantastic. Yes. Esty was. Did you see her? It's not surprising.

Esty was poised. I haven't DVR'd, but I wasn't able to watch it last night. Can I say something? Well, what did I do besides? They were buzzing around, Esty. What's that? What did I say besides arguing with Dove about almonds? I do remember they were trying to get me to talk about what a wonderful place

and how I'm so blessed and happy and can't believe my good fortune to work here. And I got the impression that I was a little too honest with them. No, it was great. Because they kept telling me, well, tell us why it's the greatest thing in the world to work at the Comedy Center. And I'd be like, I want to kill myself every day when I wake up. You didn't come across as honest. You didn't come across as like gilding a lily. Is that the expression?

I don't know. So it was pretty good. They showed an extensive clip of your material about the text messaging and it was a good bit. What about my uncle molesting bit? It might be a little too strong for

true TV. It's truth, but not too true can you stream this so Dan can watch it I have a link I'll send you the link wait by the way let me just say

Dan you gave a lot of insight information I can't remember exactly because there was so much information about the comedy cell I did not know

it was amazing to watch it was very interesting to watch it was entertaining to watch and it was like and then to see all those names and like they had Louis C.K. but Louis C. And it was like, and then to see all those names. And like, they had Louis C.K., but Louis C.K. was not on there.

But Ray Romano. Ray Romano. They had you. The information that you guys was pouring out about the cellar, I was just taking it all in. I'm like, oh, wow. So to work at this great place and then to hear all the amazing things and how it came about and how it's still growing and it's evolved to what it is now

and it's still evolving because comedy is still evolving. Comedy sports is still evolving. Sports? Did you say sports? Yeah, it's like a sportsman because, you know, it's very competitive. Now, the regular listeners will know that a few weeks ago there was an article written in Vanity Affair magazine about the comedy seller and Noam couldn't have been

less thrilled with that article. I think that it's fair to say that you feel that this is exactly met and exceeded your expectations and you're not disappointed whatsoever. No. There were things

about this that I thought could have been different or whatever, but I'd be splitting hairs. But there was nothing about this that upset me. Nothing.

And they spoke of your father and went into that history as well? A little bit, yeah. They had some video of him on stage. They chose a really corny

piece of him playing on stage. I didn't like that, but I understood why they chose that piece. But, yeah, everything was fine with this one. It was an accurate view of the cellar, right? Yeah, it was very accurate. Only one they left out was Ava. Yeah, they didn't talk about Ava. Ava is Noam's stepmother.

That's Noam's father's wife. Yeah, she was my father's wife. I mean, yeah, she's my... But the thing is, what you got away, one of the things you got out the show was the cellar was not by any one person, place, or thing. It was a team of people that came together to make it happen.

Ray Romano was terrific. He was amazing. What's his name? Doris? Roberts? Yes, she just died, right? 90 years old. He must be really upset about that.

They were very close. Colin Quinn was good, too. Colin was great. Yeah, I was happy I got to talk about Colin. Did he bite his fist? He must have. That's what he does. He does that.

The knuckle bite? The knuckle bite. That's what he does. He does that. The knuckle bite? The knuckle bite. That's his stock and that's his trademark. Yeah. And, like, listen, as I... When Essie or Liz or Bo,

somebody didn't want to do it, I said, look, we got to do it because otherwise they're going to do it about Gotham or something, right? So I had to... The people who... New York Comedy Club.

They did mention... By the way, on related notes, I just got word that the improv in Vegas is officially closing. I didn't hear that. I just got word from the great Avi Lieberman told me that.

He's a regular performer there. I heard a buzz about that. They implied that to me. By the way, that's what I heard. I don't know if it's true. What about that spot you were looking at? Is it going to happen there? I don't know. I sent them a spreadsheet of expenses. What about that spot you were looking at? Is it going to happen there? I don't know. I don't know. I sent them a spreadsheet of expenses.

I'm waiting to hear back. I don't think so. I don't think it's going to happen. I don't think there's going to be a Comedy Cellar Vegas. Why? Because I have too much integrity, Paul. What do they want you to do? No, because the only way I was willing to do it

is to make it really like the comedy cellar, meaning four or five acts a night and build it to look like the cellar, the whole thing, you know? Right. And that didn't fit into the kind of money deal that they offered me at first. Now, they may... Meaning they wanted it to look more like a traditional Vegas room? No, the amount of money and the amount of rent they wanted and all that kind of stuff was so high that would have precluded a good show.

Just don't pay the comics. Well, that's our business model here, but I don't think I'm going to work in Vegas. You have to fly them out. Well, I must confess to being somewhat disappointed. I was looking forward to at least spending a couple of weeks out there. Me too. Oh, well. I'll tell you what. The budget I gave them

was on average $2,500 a week for the comics. Each? Each, yes. Plus room and board and flights. Four comics and an MC. Who the hell says $2,500? I said...

Instead of saying 2,500. Instead of saying 2,500, nobody says two and a half thousand. I didn't say that. I wrote it down. Do you say ten past seven or seven ten? So I say quarter past. Six or one and a half thousand. Nobody has ever... Two and a half thousand.

This may be the first time anybody's ever said that. I want the world to understand it. I thought that was a good number. I think they might do it for two. I tried to figure out how to break even on the... I don't know if this is interesting to the

listeners, but this is what I did. I budgeted, let's say we're only 50% full. What kind of expenses can we carry to not lose money at 50% full? I worked backwards. If it's 50% full on average and I have to pay the comics this,

this is what's going to be left over for rent and all that stuff. If you guys can allow me to pay this rent or whatever it is, it was very open book, then I can do it. I also have to amortize the cost of building a place it was very open book, then I can do it. I also have to amortize the cost of building a place. And if they can't, then I can't do it because I can't take the risk. I think it'll be more than 50% full,

but I can't take the chance. I suggested to you that I, at least, I can't speak for everybody, would be willing to work. I don't think this is going to change the game, but I'd be willing to work on a sliding scale. You give me a minimum, 1,500 if the place minimum. $1,500 if the place is empty. $2,500 if the place is half full. And $3,500 or whatever it would be.

But some comics still want to work at door to door. That kind of averages $2,500 too. But at least I'm sharing some of the risk with you. Yeah. Hi. Do we know her? Some woman just kissed Will Silva. Who is she, Will? On the cheek.

Who is she? That's a friend. She just come out. She's Natasha. Natasha? Come here, Natasha. Take a guess where she's from. Sit down, Natasha.

Oh, I think I've met her. Yeah, I met her. Natasha, where are you from? She's like, oh, no, I met her. She's like Albanian. Do we have any, what do you call that stuff that kills germs? Sanitizer? Take a chance, Natasha.

No, she's Moroccan. We only use those every week, by the way. You've never asked us to sanitize them. She's Moroccan. Now I remember. I met her the other night. Or Algeria. Is it Morocco or Algeria?

I'm Moroccan. And Irish. I have met you before. I did. Well, we danced on the street. I danced with you on the street? Well, we were coming at each other, and you were trying to move out of the way, and I was trying to move out of the way, and we did this little dance.

We both laughed. And then you carried on. Was I charming? I guess so. I laughed. I don't like the way that table over there is looking at us. Mind your fucking business. Why is Marina and Norton looking at us?

So, Natasha, I want to... Will, I can talk to her about what we were talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know that Will has taken a vow of celibacy for nine years? I know, yeah, I do know that. What is that? First of all, I didn't go and take a vow. I don't just, hey, you know, I vow.

No, I thought you made a ceremony like Quinto Quinte. I didn't take my penis to the edge of a cliff. What is that? The only thing greater than yourself. My horse cock. No, it's just because of lifestyle. Look, I tell fat people diets don't work because you go back to the foods that made you fat. It has to be a lifestyle.

You just practice it. Not practice it, but just let it become part of you. See how people wake up to go to work because otherwise they can't pay the bills? Same thing. So I just do it because otherwise I... And this is so American. Here's a Haitian man with a vow. There's no vows of celibacy in Haiti.

Here's a Haitian man... You didn't take a vow of celibacy. Whatever. It's a Haitian man who's... I mean, it's less than a vow, but it's more than a... All right, well, whatever. He's decided he's not going to have sex.

He's not from Haiti, by the way. He's American as apple pie. Talking to a... Was she Algerian? No, a Moroccan. Moroccan Muslim. Yeah. Uh oh. About not having sex. Like this is just, I don't know, it's only in America. That's what I... But you know what? I recently became celibate as well. I would assume you always were celibate. You're not married and you're Muslim. You must be celibate. She got her hard bug. That's why she became celibate. No. Why did you become celibate You're not married and you're Muslim You must be celibate She got her heart broke That's why she became celibate

No Why did you become celibate, Natasha? I just did it because I just felt like That's a very, you know, special, intimate experience And I want to share that with someone that's deserving And not cast my pearls before swine Is that from the Korans? Cast my pearls before swine Well, no I mean, it should be Cast My Pearls Before Swine. Is that from the Koran? Cast My Pearls Before Swine.

Well, no. I mean, it should be. She's half Irish, Noam. I don't know how Muslim she really is. I mean, I grew up in New York. Are you Muslim? I am Muslim. Okay.

But you're half Irish, which is not Muslim. Muslim is not an ethnicity. I understand that, but people use it that way. You know, like, do you practice the religion? Yeah, you were practicing Muslim. Right, well, I kind of I started practicing it a few years ago, so I was

wasn't really brought up Muslim, kind of, but not really. Were you baptized? No, I wasn't. Alright. Did I be? My dad's Catholic. No, you shouldn't be. I don't believe in it. Do you believe it? I didn't want to have my children baptized. I can't believe why need to let you get away with that, actually.

Because I, why? Did somebody say why? Because, you know, as I understand it, if you're not baptized, you can't go to heaven, correct? Yeah. If you're Catholic. The whole thing is, my wife's half Indian, and I was I was like well you can take her to the Hindu temple and do whatever you want but I don't want any of that that Christian it's like visceral I don't know

it bothers me like I wouldn't care if my wife were Muslim and they want to do some Muslim thing I'd be like go ahead I really would I don't know what they do but you know it feels a little conspiratorial I think you're overthinking it I really do maybe it's

good for your kids to be baptized. Why are you taking that right away from them? They can do it when they get older. Dan, when you get baptized? What do you think about Christians, Dan? I don't care. I am performing. Speaking of Christians, I'm looking for any segue.

I will be in Montreal next week. And the reason that's related is because the French Canadians are very Catholic, or at least they were. And I'll be performing for these people in French. Oh!

Opening for this guy, Rashid Badouri, who is, I think he's Moroccan too, actually. He's of that extraction. But he's a famous guy in Quebec. So I'm going, I'm very nervous already.

I won't be here next week, by the way, next Tuesday. If you want to do the show Monday, I can do it. Do you'm going, I'm going, I'm very nervous already. I won't be here next week, by the way, next Tuesday. If you want to do the show Monday, I can do it. Do you speak French, Natasha? Oui, je parle un petit peu. Ah.

Okay. Damn. Well, she said she speaks a little bit. I generally don't speak French with people that are not native speakers. Ouch. Well, I just, there's no point.

Otherwise, it just becomes like a circus act. Can I tell you, you're an American who speaks French and you're a snob about it? That's hilarious. Otherwise, it just becomes like a circus act. Can I tell you, you're an American who speaks French, and you're a snob about it? That's hilarious. No, it's just like people... I don't know her level, number one.

Number two, it just becomes... Now we're putting on a show for you. Please. I'm sorry. Natasha, I think you are... I speak Spanish really well, and Arabic. But I don't speak Spanish. I don't speak a word of Spanish.

His famous Moroccan birthday you know you know you know each other already we do I saw him at Joe's pop he was amazing amazing. I saw him at Joe's Pub, too. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. I was a little skeptical because he performs in French. No, he was fantastic. We're renovating the kitchen. Three, four weeks and it'll be done.

We'll be in the kitchen. Would you go out with Dan? That's really what I was getting at. Well, now you're making it awkward for everybody. I'm just asking. You don't have a boyfriend. For coffee? Yeah, yeah, for coffee. For coffee. Nobody gets laid after coffee.

But I'm celibate, so that's... Dan, this is what you don't understand. This is what you don't understand is you're making it weird. If I wanted to ask the young lady out, I would do it on my own terms, probably with some perverted Facebook message. In French, I hope.

You should do it in French. Well, maybe so. I'd probably send an emoji and say, what's up, and how you did. Or I'd say, sup, apostrophe sup, because I'm young and hip. And we'd do it that way. But now you're just making everything weird. Yeah, he's never hit on me before. I've never had.

But I don't see you that much. I probably just looked at you and said, nah, too fine, too fine. I would have hit on her in a heartbeat 15, 20 years ago. Well, all right. I wouldn't. And also, she's friends with all these comics. So it's like I got to stand in line. Clearly, there's a line to go out with you among the comics.

There's got to be. Not that I know of. Natasha, don't got to be. Not that I know of. Natasha, don't mess around with comedians that I know of. This is where we just hit on Dan's problem. Dan suffers from a chronic lack of confidence, and it kills me. Is that true? There's no such thing as a line. No, I don't believe so.

You can get any girl you want. It's not hard to get a girl. It's not because she's gorgeous. Hear what she just said? Being funny. She just said it's true. It's like one of the main things that pulls girls. I would date a funny guy, any funny guy.

Right? I just feel she's too entrenched in the comedy seller world and that there's a bunch of guys jockeying for position. I don't want to... I feel like he's making an excuse and that's not the real reason and you're not dealing with the real issue at hand. You're right, I'm a fag. Okay, good. Why not?

This is how you get a girl, Dan. You got it out of me. First of all, funny is great, right? You have to be nice. Now, Chris and I disagree. You have to act like you do want to sleep with them, but right up to the line of being creepy. Well, that's a line I have a difficult time skirting.

In other words, they have to feel that you're attracted to them. It doesn't work if they really think that you don't care. But in other words, it has to be a little... It's like a little spark.

You have to show a little spark, which, you know, translate, but you can't be creepy and you can't be like trying to get it ever. You have to be ready

to wait for it and just take your time and be nice and it's that easy. It's that easy. And you put in your 10,000 hours, whatever it is, and they will sleep with you. It's true. Can I say something?

Go ahead. I can't tell you how many times. Go ahead. First of all, what I have done in the past is I've given out butt naked hugs. And it drives women crazy sometimes. Butt naked hugs? What's that? Yeah, I'll just hug you.

We get butt naked, we hug each other, and that's as far as it'll go. Oh, that's teasing. Well, do you know what women be doing to us? You do that now? I haven't done it in a while. How do you get naked and give a hug? I'm going to tell you a story.

Oh, good. I have tons of stories. This is a good one. Go ahead. One story. This girl at the show in Virginia, she came up to me and said, oh, you was very funny, blah, blah, blah. Oh, where are you staying now?

I'm staying at this hotel. Okay, I might come by and tell you, you know, I might come over and tell you how the show was. I said, okay, but you just did. Okay, but I might just want to talk to you more about the show. But don't get no ideas because it's not like that. I'm like, okay, but you just did. Okay, but I might just want to talk to you more about the show. But don't get no ideas because it's not like that. I'm like, okay, fine. She comes over at 1 o'clock, and she says, hey, I'm downstairs.

You want to come down and get me? I said, yeah, and before I hung up and shit, but don't think I'm coming up there. It's not that type of party. I'm like, fine. Go down there and get her. And she goes, yeah, you had a good show, blah, blah, blah. Can we go upstairs later? Let's go upstairs.

She comes upstairs. She says, by the way good show, blah, blah, blah. Can we go upstairs later? Let's go upstairs. She comes upstairs. She says, it's hot. I keep my room hot like Haiti. Anywhere I'm at in the world, my room stays hot all the time. So she's like, oh, my God, it's so hot. I need to take off my jacket. She takes off her jacket. And she goes, don't get no freaky ideas.

Next thing you know, she got her top off with her bar on. She just did it on her own. Right? She just kept taking stuff off. And then she said, you should give me a hug while I got my bar on. I said, okay, I'll give you a hug. And she said, you can't give me a hug with your shirt on. So I take my shirt off.

And she goes, well, now you got your shirt off. I should take my bar off. She took her bar off. now you got your shirt off. I should take my ball off. She take her ball off. So we start hugging each other. We start hugging each other. And then we start kissing. Next thing we start kissing. Our bottoms are off.

And she goes, look what you did to me. Look what you did. You see what you did? Now you're going to make me want to have sex with you. I said, no, no, no, no. We don't have to. I'm good like this. And she goes, no, but I want that big dick in my, I want to have sex with you. I said, no, no, no, no. We don't have to. I'm good like this. And she goes, no, but I want that big dick in my, I want that big dick, please.

She's Muslim. I go, I want that big penis. I want that big penis. I go, no. I said, listen, it's fine. We don't have to. And she goes, please. I said, I don't have no condoms.

By the way, I don't carry condoms just for this reason. I said, I don't have no condoms. She said way, I don't carry condoms just for this reason. I said, I don't have no condoms. She said, oh. And she goes, I'll tell you what. If I suck your pee pee, would you give me some? I go, no, no, no. That's not necessary. She proceeds to go down on me without my permission.

After I told her no. So she goes down, put her lips on her head, and starts playing with that. And I grab her. I said, what are you doing? She said, please. I said, no. She took her two fists and bit my chest. I want it now.

I had to grab her and hold her and stroke her head. This is like the plot of a porn movie. I stroke her. I said, listen, it's okay. Listen, tomorrow I'm here to. It was Sunday. I said, listen, I'm here to Wednesday, tomorrow I'm here to, it was Sunday. I said, listen, I'm here to Wednesday, Thursday. I'll go get some condos.

So that way, you know, in case something happens, we don't have to have kids, blah, blah, blah. She says, you sure? I said, yeah. So I said, let's get dressed so we don't have to, you know, tease each other and, you know, things can happen. All right, and I walk into her car. I got her dress, got downstairs, walk into her car, ran upstairs, ran into my apartment, I mean my hotel, packed my clothes, because my flight was at 6 o'clock.

If I would have told her I was out that morning, she was like, oh, no, no, no, I got to get some of this D before you leave. So I ghost, text me, text me, hey, what's up for today? I did not respond to a text at all.

Not until like Thursday. Hey, I had to leave town early. Oh, my God. But women want it just as bad as men. But I think that there's something to it. The more you reject somebody, the more they want you. And I know you weren't doing that by design. But I think it... And look, I'm sure you want to say it because you're a good-looking guy and a nice guy and you're funny, but

God, I've got to try that tactic. You know what's hard is trying to play it cool. You're married, Paul. You ever try to play it cool with a girl who's not into you anyway? She's not answering your text and then you send her another text. Yeah, well, I really don't care anyway. Do you do that? No, I haven't, but I'm saying it would be difficult.

I've thought about it. I'm like, how do I turn this around? They've got to ignore her, but she's ignoring me first. Just to put a fine point on it. By the way, Noam is underestimating. Noam thinks anybody can get any girl. I do. But I just want to say, and you're my witness, Chris,

because you heard it. He once said he could get Beyonce. Well, all right. Did you not say that? That was just a little, you know. First of all, I think you have to take into context like someone's position as well. get Beyonce. Did you not say that? That was just a little, you know, bravado. I think you have to take into context, like, someone's position as well. You as the owner of a bus, like, you already have an upper hand that, like, if you were

selling fucking newspapers, half the people would not look at you. No offense. Well, offense. No, no, I get that. Forget about me. But that said, you could still not get Beyonce. Obviously, obviously, I can I get that. Forget about me. But that said, you could still not get Beyonce. Obviously, obviously I can't get Beyonce. I think you meant it at the time.

At the time, I was like feeling it. But she wasn't quite as big a star as she is now. But in any event, what I'm saying, what Will is describing is basically a one night stand. That's another set of rules and things that go on. I can't, I'm not going to say that you can have a one-night stand with any woman. She's got a, those stars need to be in alignment. What I'm saying is that if you meet a girl that you like and you can socialize with her in a non- Creepy.

No, what's the word? Platonic? In a platonic way? No, when you create an artificial thing, what do you call that? Organic? No, there's a common word for it. But you can socialize with her in a natural way. And you can just be nice to her. In short order, I believe you can date

almost any woman you want if she's not already taken, you know? Ladies, do you want to respond to that? I mean, I just think there has to be some attraction there. You're just not going to be attracted to some people. And you know what you're talking about? You can say if you disagree, but what you're talking about is what happens when we try to convince ourselves that we should like this person because everything else is good and then you wind up kind of dating them but you know it's not going to

I never cracked Montella You didn't really try I kind of agree because if you spend enough time with someone they'll grow on you and you'll start to fall in love with their personality Maybe I'm just shallow Or and if you lose interest in her

it'll probably be mutual. Like, if it doesn't work out for the most part, except, I don't know, Paul probably doesn't. But for most people, like, you feel it. It's just not working out. There are some guys who just don't understand that there's no chemistry. And they're creepy. Yeah. There is such a thing as creepy.

If you're creepy, you cannot get girls. Well, hold on. Women could date anybody, ugly or not ugly. Because women would find other things in a guy that they like. Oh, why are you dating that guy? Oh, there's something special about him. What that special could be anything. They're funny.

They're smart. They got money. They good listeners. I cannot date a girl with something special about her, and she's horrible in the face, because my penis don't wake up. Is that true? My penis don't wake up. Is that true? My penis don't get up. Have you ever actually been in a situation where you couldn't get it up?

You're talking about with a girl I was attracted to? Ever. Oh, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. I was super nervous. I had a girl I was super nervous with, and she was like, what's wrong? I said, oh, man.

I was just super nervous. I was just nervous about coming too quick or just nervous. I get anxiety. What is it? Anxiety? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I don't agree with Will on that. I think, like, if someone, people always say, it doesn't matter what the person looks like

as long as they have a nice personality. But you rarely see a hot person with an ugly person. What? I rarely see hot man or woman with an ugly man. No, I see it all the time. No, I see it all the time. A hot woman with an ugly guy? I mean, no, but that's because of... My wife is not ugly, Will.

Is it because of the money the person has? I don't believe a sense of humor is enough to get someone to like you. No, no, I've seen it. I've seen it here in the comedy world. If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything, eventually. You say that like it's easy for Paul to make a girl laugh. I've seen, with all due respect to Mitch Fatale, over the years. Mitch Fatale's not ugly.

Well, I mean, he's not classically good looking. Who's ugly then? He's got some hot women. You have to define ugly. Mitch Fatale may not be like a leading man handsome, but he's not. The girls that he pulled, though. Were far better looking than his level. And he's not famous, and he makes a few bucks, but this was even long ago when he wasn't.

Girls are different. That's what we're saying. That's what we're just saying. Well, Paul doesn't understand it. Girls are different. Yeah, I'm just saying. What's a girl? You said you've never seen.

I rarely. Look, I'm just saying. What's a girl? You said you've never seen... I rarely... Look, I didn't say never. There's no absolute, but if you're telling me that there's an ugly guy with a super hot woman, I don't believe it's the guy's sense of humor

that got her interested. I think it's probably, and I'm going to get booed for this or whatever, you know, security, money. Boo! There you go. No, he's right. He or whatever. You know, security, money. There you go.

No, he's right. And the other way, too. I'm not a misogynist. I go the other way, too. For Will's sake, we tell him what a misogynist is. That's a person that's sort of... Go ahead. So, I mean, there are plenty of these sort of rich women, divorced, older, running companies.

They got this hot guy. She's okay. Oh, yeah, he's with her because she's got a great sense of humor as a CFO of a company. We never said that men like women with senses of humor. Well, that's what you're saying. We're saying women like men with senses of humor. Okay, if the person's not great looking, what are generally the two or three reasons somebody's with the person? Their sense of humor, their compassion. I've seen Eddie Brill.

Their sense of humor, their compassion, and their money. It's none of those things. Let me tell you exactly what it is. Go ahead. You saw Eddie Brill. Let him finish. I've seen Eddie Brill with hot chicks back, you know. Very hot chicks. I didn't want him to... I was trying to... That's a good point. I just wanted to try to stop him from insulting Eddie Brill, but I guess when now he does the Letterman Show, it doesn't matter anymore. Eddie Brill

got blessed. Is that the guy from John and Kate? He's just not classically handsome. And he would probably say the same thing about me. Who cares? We're men. We can make up for it in other ways. Okay.

It is not the sense of humor. It's none of those things. You can't, I believe, there's an attraction there and then people work backwards and say, they feel some way about somebody

and say, oh, it must be because they're funny. It's not that. You can't explain what it is. It's just you spend time with somebody. And if they're nice and if you get along and you're compatible in some way, you find yourself attracted to each other. Nature, would you Google ugly guys and hot girls? Nature knew that she shouldn't make it too rare for men and women to hook up.

I don't disagree with that, but I think that's the exception. If there's only a few people around, they need to hook up. So it's got to happen. What you're referring to as chemistry is if you analyze it, those elements will be in there. The elements of confidence or sense of humor or good looks, you can break it down, and sense of humor is in there somewhere. I don't think it's a coincidence that women all say when they're answering surveys that a sense of humor is important.

I don't think they're all lying or deluded or don't know what they're saying. Contrived. Contrived is the word I'm using. The caveat is it's got to be their sense of humor. Okay, so Woody Allen is not going to get every woman excited because they don't have... That's somebody famous. That's Salman Rushdie who's a very famous, very rich... Very rich...

No, that's Padma Lakhna. You can't use him as an example. He's a very rich author. No, but you said ugly guys with hot girls. That was his initial statement. Then he retracted that and said, if you're rich, you can do it. Salman Rushdie's not an ugly guy. He's an older guy, number one.

No, really. He's not an ugly guy. No, Will's right to pull that. Who is ugly? It doesn't seem to me like anybody's ugly by your standards. I don't know. Second of all, I don't know. But he's questioning. What about Boss Hogg? Was Boss Hogg ugly? Boss Hogg is ugly. ugly by your standards? I don't know. Second of all, I don't know. Ask these questions.

What about Boss Hogg? Was Boss Hogg ugly? Boss Hogg is ugly. And I would actually think that being obese is worse than being... I see girls with fat guys. Boss Hogg was obese.

But he controlled the town. Listen, I don't deny your point about this. He controlled Hazard County. I don't deny Noam's point about like, you know, for some people there's just this innate sort of this thing, this chemistry and a click. But I think that's still the exception.

I think generally sort of people are resurfaced. Oh, he's good looking. Okay. Okay. Not good looking. Then you start going, well, maybe there's money. Maybe a little bit of sense of humor sprinkled in there. So let's examine what you're saying.

So are you saying that the woman actually is not attracted to the guy. She's just secretly saying to herself, well, he's got money, so I'm just going to do this? Oh my God. You really think that there is nobody in the place of the planet that thinks like that? I'm not going to say there's nobody of anything, but do you think that's common? Do you think like, when you see a guy that

with a prettier girl than he is. I do not think Melania would be with Donald Trump if he weren't Donald Trump. But I think she does love Donald Trump. Well, you don't know that. I don't know that, but I think so. She has to be with him year after day after day. You don't know what their relationship is.

You don't know if they're having sex. You don't know what the arrangement is. I think women, she's in love with his. How much money does Melania, listen, Melania Trump is super smoking hot. Right. She didn't have to latch on to Donald Trump to find an affluent guy to marry. She had a million different affluent guys who would be happy to marry her.

Good looking. And give her a life... Really hot, good looking guys. Any guy she wants would give her a lifestyle equivalent to Donald Trump. I don't think there are a lot of super hot billionaires. I really don't. And first of all, Donald Trump is a handsome guy. I mean, he's 70 years old now, but he was...

He was a handsome guy. Elon Musk, by the way. You want a handsome billionaire, Elon Musk is a handsome billionaire. Okay, there you go. But we're not talking about him. He doesn't have like a hot, young... I don't know who he's banging. I have no idea.

Hold on. He's busy working on his electric car all day. The point is... Hold on. Let's ask these two ladies. Some people are just... Christian, Natasha, have you dated ugly guys before, but there was something about them, but you ignored that face? I have, and I will, and I have no problem doing it.

Will, you're in. Yeah, you fall in love with their personality or the way they make you feel or they make you happy or they do kind things for you. It's just, I don't know. You're not shallow. I can understand why a woman would want to be with a man that has money because clearly she's going to live a better life. He's going to be a lot nicer to her. He's going to shower her with gifts.

And, you know, that makes a woman happy. I don't know. No one's got money. He ain't showering Juanita with shit. Yeah, right. He ain't showering going on air. They have their house and everything else. What I can say is that I have dated hot guys that I didn't like and

ended up not wanting to see. Yeah, that's true too. Because they suck. Their personality is awful. They're not intelligent. How important is it a guy that's willing to go downtown and stay there until the job is done? Two months. I don't know. Not for me. Alright. That was my

only trump card. See, creepy Dan. Christian, you date ugly guys before? I've dated guys that weren't. Christian is actually among the most shallow women I've ever known. No, that is so not true. It is true. So many times a guy's been hot?

No. She puts a bigger premium on... Obviously, no one knows so he can answer for me. But she puts a bigger premium on... Let her answer. Okay, go ahead. Obviously, no one knows, so he can answer for me. We've talked about it. I've tried to hook her up with some guy, and I'm like, what's the matter with you? You know who the shallowest was our friend, remember or not?

Yeah, she's crazy shallow. Oh, my God. I'd hook her up with a doctor, a nice Jewish doctor who wasn't ugly. He was like, you know, a little goofy looking. Let's just go out. No, no, no. I don't think it's... That woman has integrity in all seriousness. I think...

No, she was insecure. It's not for me that I just know what I'm attracted to and I just know what's not going to be... I threw everything I had at Montella. Come out. You did not. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I like to play that. I'm very big on first impressions.

I have never in my life had someone grow on me. Never. I can say that with utmost certainty. I know within five minutes of meeting someone if there's somebody that I want to continue to have a conversation with or not. I've always been like that. My friends, I've never made no new friends. I haven't made new friends. I just know if you're my type of person or not. I don't know. You can call

that what you want, but it's just true for me. Yeah, because she looked at the car you're driving. You pulled up in. Oh, please. Kristen is a little shallow, but My husband's not wealthy. But she didn't marry well. I didn't marry money. Yeah, but he pulls up in a nice car. No, we have a fucking Volkswagen. A Volkswagen. Yeah, exactly.

I'm just saying we're not driving a Porsche or something. I don't think there's anything wrong with being shallow. I think what's wrong is pretending like some people aren't shallow. That's the... I mean, I just... I mean, Kristen's the most honest one here

about this, I think. It's like, you know, there are times when people are with people and it's just because of shallow surface reasons. Listen, I can tell you, I watch The Sopranos. I had such a crush on Tony Soprano. He's a fucking disgusting fat beast in the show.

Yeah, but you're an Italian. You're like that. Right, but I'm saying, so there is... Thatrano. He's a fucking disgusting fat beast in the show. But you're an Italian. You like that. That's a type. You like that type. There is something to what you're saying, but he's not an attractive man. He's powerful. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. There's that.

Exactly, and I think that that's why a lot of women are also attracted to men who have money because along with that comes confidence and comes just that power that they have. That's what the money symbolizes. Noam had brought up, I think, last week. The money symbolizes, generally speaking, a certain level of ambition, intelligence, and hard work. Accomplishment. I would definitely say that when it comes to being shallow,

that's the one thing I'm attracted to most. Money? No. Someone being driven. I don't care how much money you have. But that's not shallow. If you sit on your ass all day, I will lose. That's not shallow at all.

Those are important. I've heard that from a lot of women. But that's what drives me more than anything. The guy's a shithead. He doesn't have his shit together. It's not worth it. That's what drives me more than anything. But I look like that in a woman.

If you're home not doing nothing and you're waiting for me to come home. Some men don't care about that. Yeah. Some women don't care about men not having aspirations you know as long as they have money or as long as they're hot and that's I'm not like that

like I would never date a hot guy that didn't do shit or a rich guy that didn't do shit that I would lose interest right away it happened to me I left my boyfriend

many years because of that the Jewish one yeah was he hot yeah he's very good looking and he has tons of money but he didn't fucking do anything he was an orthodox Jew so he has tons of money, but he didn't fucking do anything. He was an Orthodox Jew.

He wasn't Orthodox. He had tons of money. Well, he wanted you to convert to Judaism. Yes. And she was thinking about doing it. I almost talked her into it. Yeah, and then I was like, what am I doing? This guy doesn't do anything.

Hold on. I'm sorry. So he had tons of money, but he didn't do nothing? But he had tons of money, so what did he need to do? That's what I'm saying. I was not... It got old. It was inherited wealth.

I need somebody who's in the fight with me, not someone who's just fucking sitting around. But if he has all that money, why do you need to be in the fight? She wants to be happy. I want somebody who's driven. How do you get that money? Is it inherited wealth?

Yeah, family money. Chris, I mean, you guys are all out to lunch. Explain Hillary Clinton and why she stays with Bill Clinton. I mean, you're are all out to lunch. Explain Hillary Clinton and why she stays with Bill Clinton. I mean, you're going to tell me people aren't shallow? Hillary Clinton is a conversation in and of itself, and there's plenty of people like that. I'm not telling you people are not shallow. I'm saying that the average run-of-the-mill girl who's with a guy, I believe, is not with him for a shallow reason. I think it is very, very hard for anybody to

marry somebody and agree to spend the rest of their life with somebody they do not like and not attracted to simply because they're going to have a nicer house. I do not see a woman doing that so often. That's true. No, I agree with that. But at the same... Unless he's really old and she

knows he's not going to be around much longer. But the other side of the coin is I think there are some people who are just dead in the water. You can't say everybody can just be nice and do this and you'll get a girl. There are some people that it's just, they're hopeless. I think there's somebody for everyone. And that's what it is. Like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What you might find attractive, I might not.

Yeah, exactly. She just read three fortune cookies. Saying Dan can get any girl is, that's an asinine statement. Dan can get way more girls than Dan realizes he can get. I agree with you.

And that's plenty. He's smart, he's funny, he's good looking. I'm not complaining. Girls tell me they like him all the time. I don't complain that I don't get girls. I used to, maybe ten good looking. I'm not complaining. Girls tell me they like him all the time. I don't complain that I don't get girls. I used to, maybe 10 years ago. Lynn Copless has this hot friend who comes down here. And she met that, and she was like, I don't know.

And everybody was hitting on her. Dove was hitting on her. Everybody was hitting on her. And she says to me, she goes, I really like Dan. Like, what's up with Dan? Like, she was dying for Dan. He doesn't want to associate with someone that's friends with Lynn Copless. What Dan said. I don't know. I don't know how it panned out with Dan. Like, what's up with Dan? Like, she was dying for Dan. Dan doesn't want to associate with someone that's friends with one guy. What Dan said.

I don't know how it panned out with Dan. But I... You know who I'm talking about. Yeah, I know who you're talking about. But that's an attractive... And she's a hot chick. That is an attractive quality

to women, I think. It's if a guy doesn't try to. But you're trying to convince me of something that I don't necessarily disagree with. Okay. You know, my issues with women are not necessarily that I don't think I can. Okay. My issues with women are not necessarily

that I don't think I can get them so much as other issues. Why wouldn't you want her? She was awesome. Well, I don't want to talk about that on the air. I don't know that that's done necessarily, but I don't want to get into her because... Maybe he is.

He's looking into it. Are you stooping her? No, I'm not stooping her. He's looking into it. Are you stooping her? No, I'm not stooping her. He's looking into it. He's sending her emojis. Are you pre-boning her? I don't know what you mean by pre-boning. Are you giving her butt-naked hugs like I am? No one does that but you.

Actually, I've done that. But that doesn't lead to more. That's a Will specialty. All right. And Will, we got to go. Whenever they say, I'm not going to sleep with you, that always means they're going to sleep with you. Yeah.

Everybody knows that. It took me 100 girls later to find out what that really means. It's because it's like, you know how little kids... Why do girls say that? I'll tell you why. Little kids always say what's...

I have two young kids. They always say what they're thinking. Somehow, no matter what they're thinking, it comes out their mouth. And like Donald Trump is like that too. He was campaigning in Pennsylvania. He started talking about Joe Paterno. Like he can't. He said like 7-Eleven.

You heard about the 7-Eleven? No, I didn't hear about the 7-Eleven. He called 9-Eleven 7-Eleven. All right, that can happen. That's it. But I do think that there are some people. And I think that's why women, they're thinking about sleeping with you. I'm not going to sleep with you. I think women they're thinking about sleeping with you so I'm not going to

sleep with you it just means they're thinking about sleeping with you no but I think that that's a matter of like a woman or a guy

who doesn't want to kind of feel slutty so they kind of convince themselves well I tried I put up a fight in my mind for two hours

it wasn't like I really think that is a component of it for some people no I agree with that I think that's exactly what it is they don't want

to seem easy they don't want to seem easy. They don't want to seem slutty, so they'll just say that. Because they're thinking about it. Well, they're thinking... And they can't say, I want to sleep with you. Right, exactly. So you have said it before? What?

I plead the fifth. Let's not use a woman who ended the night pounding your chest and begging for your large cock as the representative of the women who used that phrase, though. By the way, I was scared that night because it was basically a stranger. I don't know this girl from Alameda. She's pounding my chest. She wants some penis. I'm picturing Will in that outfit he wore in the Chris Rock movie.

That Haitian king outfit with the grass skirt. Is that what you wore in that movie? Wait, Will, when are you going to stop being celibate? I don't know. When he finds the right... Are you waiting until marriage? No, definitely not marriage. Okay.

I think it's wrong. I think you should live with someone before you actually marry them. We should plug, if you like Afrocentric people of color podcasts, what's the name of the podcast? Friends Like Us. Friends Like Us, Marina Franklin. You can find it on iTunes. I want to thank Paul Mercurio.

Natasha? Natasha. Natasha, what's your last name? Padgett Will Silvins Kristen Montella and the great Dan Natterman Can I, if you mind, just plug where I'm going to be this weekend? Of course you can

I'm going to be at the Auburn Theater in Auburn, New York Saturday night Oh, I did that gig, they're very nice there That guy, I forgot his name Carrie So it's up in upstate New York, Saturday night. Oh, I did that gig. That's why. They're very nice there. Yeah, yeah. That guy, I forgot his name. Cary. Cary, yeah. So it's up in upstate New York, not too far up. Oh, yeah, they love you there.

He was telling me you're always there. I'm going to be in Des Moines, Iowa with Sean Wayans, and then I'll be back at the Comedy Cellar Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Any girls want to come down, beat on his chest? Anybody want to come down? I'm not going to explain to Will, but what just happened now just shows how much we love you. Right, because nobody corrected that. You didn't say Des Moines.

Oh. Well, I want to protect him going forward. Wait, what? Des Moines. That's what I said. You said Des Moines. I said Des Moines. And none of us corrected you, even though we love to correct.

No, but we all went like this. Maybe there's a second city that sounds like that. There's a place called Des Moines. There is? Yeah. Okay, well, it's not in Des Moines. He's in Des Moines. All right, and Dan? You live in Quebec. I'll be at the Lionel Gros Theatre in St. Therese.

A first part with Rashid Badouri. I don't know when exactly, but I think it's next Monday and next Tuesday. The accent, you lost the accent on the word Rashid, by the way. You didn't... Yeah, I'm not... My accent is terrible. All right. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night. Good night.