The Commercial Break - 12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)

Episode Date: December 18, 2024

Episode #659: We’re going through holiday favorites and least favorite…and also birds. Donate to the ASPCA The 12 (13) days of TCB continues The French Hen A pervert wrote the 12 fays of Christmas song Traditional Christmas songs Bryan’s rendition of Last Christmas The worst present you’ve ever received  A pasta pizza hut Christmas We’re all just doing our best The worst Christmas presents…according to whale.ca? The dollar store Rehab for Christmas Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This message is sponsored by Greenlight. We all know the old saying about teaching Amanda fish, and as parents, we want our kids to learn the things that will set them up for success. So this holiday season, give kids money skills that will last well beyond 2024 with Greenlight. Greenlight is a debit card and money app made for families where kids learn how to save, invest, and spend wisely with parental controls built in. Sign up today at Greenlight.com slash odyssey. Greenlight.com slash odyssey. Hey Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian.

Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're Gluttons for Punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you, December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day, and live fresh episodes

during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy s***, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break. I'll be home for Christmas The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Load early. Ah yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB.

I'm Brian Grah Brian grain this is the uncle Eddie to my Ross Kristen joy only best to you Chris that's you Brian best to you out there in the podcast universe here we are yet again in the studio helping you through the holiday season I don't know how but there's in some way shape or form I'm sure we're helping you know that we're helping yeah well I mean if people donate to our causes then we're definitely you through the holiday season. What a thing that we're helping. Yeah. Well, I mean, if people donate to our causes, then we're definitely helping. That's for sure. How else are we helping?

I don't know. We're just putting more downloads into the universe for people to absorb. There you go. Thanks for joining us. Chrissy, do you know the origins of the 12 days? By the way, we just figured out that the 12 days of TCB is actually 13 days of TCB, since we don't know how to count on a calendar So you're getting an extra episode. We'll actually be doing 13 days halfway through the 12 days of Christmas

We realize that it's 13 days of TCB. Do you know the origins of the song 12 days of Christmas? No, I don't think that I do. I don't think I do either. Let's learn together Let's get learning. The best-known English version was printed in the Mirth Without Mischief, a children's book published in London in the 1780s. Something about the northern castle of Newcastle and the Tyne and the Partridge and the pear tree and all that other stuff. But here's the more important question. Can you name the 12 days of Christmas? Oh gosh. Come on, I know you can do it. Well, Partridge in a Pear Tree. Okay, that's an easy one.

Okay. I mean, I'd have to kind of sing it. Okay. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me me Partridge in a pear tree On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me Two doves Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree Okay, the third one is French horn French hens

French hens On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me Three French hens Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... A diamond ring?

Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me What is it? Five diamond rings I knew there were rings in there Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree On the sixth day of Christmas, which would be today on the TCB There's no 13 days of- we're gonna make up the 13th day On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

Six flying nuns. Oh, flying nuns. Six geese allaying. By the way, what? Six geese allaying? Only in Old English. Is geese allaying geese allaying an egg? Well, I was thinking that's a two for one deal.

Yeah. Six geese and allaying. Oh, six geese and allaying geese allaying an egg? Well, I was thinking that's a two for one deal. Yeah! Six geese and a laying. Oh, six geese and a laying. There you go. Six geese allaying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge and a pear tree. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Mmm, I don't know. Seven swans are swimming, six geese are laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Who, what murderous motherfucker decided to write this goddamn torturous song? And now why am I singing it? Because I really don't know the lyrics and I'm so interested to hear them. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Eight rocks. I think this is some pervert that made this up. Listen to this one. Eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, seven semen exes swimming, six geese allaying, five golden rings, showers,

four calling birds, as in birds, women, three French hens, we all know what that is. I mean, if you haven't tried a French hen in bed, then you don't even know. I've been French hen, I've been French hen in Astrid for years, that's how this gringo got Astrid. She was like, what is that? And I was like, that is the French hen.

I hide on you like a little squatting bird. I twaddle my wings as I bounce on top of you. And I give myself a blowjob. It's a French horn, a French hen. Okay, so that's it. So we've got eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, this guy's definitely a pervert. Listen to this one.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Nine strippers dancing, nine ladies dancing, nine ladies dancing, this is a porno song. Nine ladies dancing, eight maids of milk and six swans a-swimmin', six geese getting laid, four golden rings, four calling birds, three French horns, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, now here we round the corner, and for sure without any doubt this is perverted.

On the 11th day of Christmas, on the 10th day of Christmas, oh, my true love gave to me. Ha ha ha. What, what? Well, I didn't know the 1780s were quite so liberal, but here we go. 10 lords a leaping. Oh, yep. Lords a leaping.

Oh, yep. Lords a leaping. Oh, if you try a French horn with a lord leaping, if you're a leaping lord that tries a French horn, you're a bottom and you know all about it. All right. Ten lords a leaping. Nine ladies dancing. Eight maids a milking.

Seven swans a swimming. Six geese a laying. Five golden rings. Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge and a pear tree. But on the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me more porno things. Eleven pipers piping. Oh, laying pipe? Ha ha!

Eleven pipers laying pipe. Eleven pipers piping, ten lords are leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids are milking, seven swans are swimming, six geese are laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Alright, well I guess they have to end- Finale. They can't end it in porn, so they go back to something more Christmasy on the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 12 drummers drumming

11 pipers piping 10 lords a leaping 9 ladies dancing 8 maids of milking 7 swans of swimming 6 geese a laying 5 golden rings 4 calling birds 3 French ends to turtle, and a partridge and a pear tree. Dun dun dun. All right. I think that's the first time I've ever sung that song. Ever. Ever. That's the first time I've ever known what's in it. And now I'm realizing half of it is porn. That's what it is. What's the 13th? Well, okay. And the 13th day of Christmas my true love gave to me a break from TCB. That's the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, 12 drummers drumming, 11 people laying pipe, 10 lords leaping over each other, 9

naked ladies. All right. Okay. That's it. There's the 12 days of Christmas for you. I'm glad you reminded me. I remember learning it when I was small, but I did not remember everything. Yeah, I remember doing the Christmas recital, you know?

And I remember Little Drummer Boy became a favorite song of mine because I learned how to play it on the, what do they call that? The- The drum? No, the accordion, but it's not an accordion. It's like a- Keyboard? Is it a harpoon or a harpen or? Oh, a recorder, a recorder. Oh, the accordion, but it's not an accordion. It's like a... Keyboard? Is it a harpoon or a harpen or...

Oh, a recorder. A recorder. Oh, the recorder. Where you press the button and you strum and then it... No, the recorder was the little flute thing. No, okay, that's a different thing. It's a little like... A harpsichord? Maybe it's a harpsichord,

but you would just press the button and it would make a key. Okay. But it had the names of the keys on it. So it was made for little children to play. It wasn't like some complicated thing. It was like you press this button or that button and then you strum it and it made a certain noise. And so we learned how to play Little Drummer Boy,

which really has one note in it the entire time. I mean, it's not that hard to play, but Little Drummer Boy, what's the best Christmas song, traditional Christmas song? Oh, my favorite's Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. I don't know if that's a best Christmas song, traditional Christmas song? Oh, I like, my favorite's Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. I don't know if that's a traditional Christmas, think of like a Judeo-Christian Christmas song. Good King Wins His Loss. That's a good one. Good King's a good one. I like that one. I think Little Drummer Boy

is my favorite, but then of course there's, is Ave Maria, would that be considered a Christmas song maybe? Probably, we should ask Jeff's mom. Jeff's mom? Mm-hmm. Why does she? Her name's Ave Maria. Her name's Ave Maria?

Yeah. Her name is Ave Maria. Yes. Really? Mm-hmm. So you call her Ave or you call her Maria? They're very Catholic. You call her Ave.

You call her Ave. Wow, that's really, that's really intense. They're a very Catholic family. Have you guys heard the rendition of Ave Maria? Sort of a different style by David Beesbol? I don't think so. David Beesbol? Beesbol.

Beesbol? Yeah. He's a Latin American artist and it's very party forward. It's Ave, Ave Maria. Nice. And I love his music videos. I love the dancing. There's some good versions. David Beesball. David Beesball, Cuban professional baseball player.

Guess I'm not talking about the same one. It's not the same one. The other one. Hold on one second. B-I-S-B-A-L. Okay, give me one second. Christmas song list. Okay, let me give you a list of songs. You

tell me which one you like the best. You tell me which ones you're partial to. You ready? Sure. Okay, here we go. The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole. Feliz Navidad, Jose Feliciano, which is a favorite around my household. Yes, I love that one. White Christmas by Bing Crosby. Deck the Halls, Frank Sinatra. Do You Hear What I Hear, Bing Crosby, which is a great one. Jingle Bells by Frank Sinatra. Although I don't really think of Frank as like a Christmas kind of guy.

I think more of him is like breaking my legs in a dark alley kind of guy. But okay, here comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry, but Santa Claus is coming to town by Bruce Springsteen. In my opinion is Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. If we're really at a Bruce Springsteen show, that goes on for three hours. Hey, sing it again.

Clarence, another saxophone. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. New Jersey, yeah, yeah, yeah. Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt. That's a real classic. Do They Know It's Christmas, Wham.

That one from Wham. Well, I mean, there's the other one by Wham too. Last Christmas. The Last Christmas, which one of my kids is incessantly singing. I love that song. And so the other day he was incessantly singing it. And you have to, if you know me,

then you know that if you know me, and that means you listen to more than three seconds of the commercial break, then you know I'm a bit of an oddball, a little bit of a goofball. And when I sing songs or I hear them repeatedly, I start making up my own lyrics. Usually those turn into comedy

and usually Pooper P is the first thing I go to because I'm a three-year-old in my mind. So he's like, so he gets, my kid, one of my kids goes to the bathroom, he uses the restroom, he comes out of the restroom and I go, oh, number one or number two. And he's like, oh, it's, you know, number two. I go, oh, okay. So I was like, so then you start singing Last Christmas. I go, last Christmas I made a big poo, but the very next day you flushed it away. This year when it comes out my rear, I'll give it to someone special.

Ha ha ha ha. Okay, and what did he think? Well, it's the best thing that has happened ever. Like dad made up the best song ever, and now he's singing it, can we make a video? Of course we can. And this is all happening around bath time, right? I have very young children, so everyone,

I need to help them with bath time. I can't really do all of it. And it's fun and we're having fun. So this is going on for like 30 minutes. I am embedding this song into his head, into a kid who remembers everything. He's an elephant, he remembers everything. So he runs down to go have dinner,

dinner's on the table, and I'm getting changed, whatever, and all of a sudden I hear, Brian Green! And I'm like, uh-oh, she found my Instagram search page. I'm like, uh-oh. And I'm like, what? And she's like, don't, don't you go, you cannot be telling these kids these songs are gonna go to school and then they're gonna get in trouble. Everyone's gonna get in trouble. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's just fun. And I go, so I'm like, listen, kid, this song is for this house and this house only.

You cannot repeat this. So let's just get it out of our head. Let's sing the regular version, which is also a little weird too, but okay, wh we're gonna sing Wham. Okay, the Wham version he says, okay, so Last night As we're going to bed One of my daughters started singing the exact same song As through the test. It's like I told you they're all gonna get kicked out of school And i'm like a little pee and little poos never hurt anybody.

I mean, listen, my son will be the hero of his very young age classroom if he sings that song and he does it well. Do you know what I'm saying? For sure. All right. Despite all that we bitch about blue here around the green household, we really are animal lovers. I saved a fucking squirrel for God sakes, a baby squirrel, which carries hepatitis or

something like that. I went to great lengths to save that squirrel. I drove in the rain 20 miles in my air conditioned car to get that squirrel to safety. Now, listen to me. The ASPCA does a great deal of good. And while they have those terrible commercials that everyone hates, there's a good reason why. They tug at your heartstrings so that they can save animals and make sure that these

animals, even when they're left abandoned by shitheads who do not understand the responsibility of having an animal, they try and make sure that they get to good homes and do the best they can to do that in a no-kill way. The ASPCA is today's charity. Now, some of you have written in and talked about this also, so we are going to give it a little love. If you would like to donate to the ASPCA and help cats, dogs, and other animals find loving homes and stay out of the kill shelters, and I'm not saying they never get put down because that is just not a reality of life, but help them find a good

home. Give them some cash so that they can do well and make sure that these animals get saved, especially after disasters. This is the one thing that really sucks is that if you're in a disaster and you're choosing, you want to keep your animal with you, but life circumstances, it's either you or your animal. There are tough choices that need to be made. The ASPCA can come in and help in those situations.

They do do a lot of good. Please help us by donating to them. Link in the show notes. And if you donate to any of our causes, send a screenshot. We will send you some schwag with love from Chrissy, Christina, Astrid, and I. We'll take a break, and we'll be back. ["The New York Times"]

Holidays getting you down? Family acting out of pocket? and we'll be back. and on TikTok at TCB Podcast if you need a laugh or an escape. You can always escape for a full hour and watch our YouTube videos at youtube.com slash the commercial break while you simultaneously peruse our website, tcbpodcast.com to find out all there is to know about Brian and Chrissy. Now let's hear from our sponsors so we can afford the holidays this year.

This episode is sponsored by Free AlcoholAlcohol from Zbiotics. I am not one to imbibe a whole bunch anymore. I've got 13 to 15 children, checklists to get done, and jobs to do. But even with moderation, I don't bounce back like I used to from a night of drinking. I find myself having to make that choice. Can I have a great night or a great, responsible day tomorrow? A tough choice to make, indeed, that is until I found a pre-alcohol.

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left in the tank to watch bad television, I know that pre-alcohol has done its job. And with the holiday season upon us, I know I'm going to be consuming just a little bit more alcohol than usual, but with pre-alcohol I can stay on track and not let the holiday season throw me off course. Go to zbiotics.com slash commercial to learn more and get 15% off your first order when you use the code commercial at checkout. Zbiotics is backed by a 100% money-back guarantee, so if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked.

Remember to head to zbiotics.com slash commercial and use the code commercial at checkout for 15% off. Thank you to Zbiotics for being a sponsor of the commercial break and for making my mornings after drinking just a little bit easier. I'm Anna Garcia with True Crime News, the podcast. Every crime tells a story, every story demands justice. True Crime News, the podcast covers breaking crimes,

investigating high profile and under the radar cases. Every week we dive beyond the headlines, exploring the effects of violent crimes on victims and search for justice. We hope you join us as your weekly source for true crime news. Listen to and follow True Crime News, the podcast on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, and we're back. Okay, tell me the worst Christmas gift you have ever received. The worst Christmas gift. Be honest, you gotta let them know. I think a mirror. You got a mirror for Christmas? I did one time, yeah. From a guy? Yes.

Oh no, oh no. Like take a look at yourself before you leave? No, it was like a fancy mirror. Okay, well the fancy mirror. And he was working at a furniture store at the time and I was in high school, so. But it was kind of, you know. That is easy.

Maybe not the best present. And what did you interpret that mirror to mean? What was the symbolism? Like take a look at yourself before you leave the house? No, I mean I think. Take a look in the mirror? I mean it was like symbolism? Like, take a look at yourself before you leave the house? Take a look in the mirror? I mean, it was like I said, it was a nice mirror, but that just popped in my head when you asked me. Okay. I mean, my least favorite one.

That's your least favorite? I didn't think it had any kind of crazy meaning behind it, but I think he just happened to work in a furniture store and get it discounted. Yeah, I wonder what's going through his head. Like, a nice chair or a nice couch, a love seat. Everybody needs a good end table, right? Don't we all need a good end table? I do, I don't know. And then you pick the mirror. That is kind of a weird choice, but it's certainly a man choice.

Like, it's a choice from a guy who probably doesn't, you know, I don't know, doesn't have much anything else. Was he the kind of guy who would spend most of the afternoon on Sunday watching football? Yes. Okay, there you go. Just checking. Christina, worst gift you've ever received. Well, let's see. Every single year, I get band-aids from my family. Oh, band-aids.

Band-aids? My mom gives me a pack of band-aids. Like the stocking stuffer? Every single year. Yeah, but it's like- I mean, you can always use band-aids. I mean, they're very handy, but like every year I'm like, what kind of Band-Aids am I gonna get? That was the thing.

Yeah, like, I mean, last year I think they were unicorns. Oh, you got, oh, she gets you like play Band-Aids. No, I mean, no, they're real Band-Aids and I really use them. Yeah. But they're like for kids. So last year I was in charge of my mother's stocking and I gave her Band-Aids. Well then there you go. She got her come up and I, Band-Aids have. Well then there you go. She got her comeuppance.

I, band-aids have become quite the commodity in this household. For sure in your house. We have 10 boxes of different charactered band-aids. And if one kid gets a boo-boo, and I mean the smallest of boo-boos, one that does not even, I keep on explaining to them, band-aids are for blood. Band-aids are for blood. If there's no blood, there's no need for a band-aid. That doesn't fix a bruise, that doesn't fix a bruised ego, it doesn't fix that

your brother kicked you in the ribs, it doesn't fix that kind of stuff. But it doesn't matter to their little minds. Because all they care about is having, you know, Hello Kitty or whatever it is on their, on their body. It doesn't last but five seconds because they always rip it off right away and then they play with it and eat it and stick it in their hair and all this shit. How many hundreds of boxes of character related band-aids have we gone through in this house? Because when one kid gets a boo-boo, all of them have a boo-boo. They're all, you know, someone who comes to me, they got a boo-boo. I mean, it's me.

You know, have extra band-aids. Give them to our house. This is a good house for them. That's right. Well, funnily enough, it started because as a kid, I used to use so many band-aids for our house. This is a good house for them. We'll take them, that's right. Well, funnily enough, it started because as a kid, I used to use so many band-aids. Why? I just used to always get cuts on my fingers.

And so you were known for being the band-aid girl. Yeah, I was known for having band-aid hands. Okay, all right. So your mom's getting back at you for years. Just never forgotten. That's right. I would say the worst gift that I have gotten, and I think we may have had this question like back in season number one, when we were doing like a fish, that fish bowl thing, or

pulling questions out of there. I think the worst gift, I know the worst gift I have ever gotten was from my former brother-in-law, former brother-in-law, who was one of my favorite humans on Earth. His name was Charles, and he was gay man, and he was a very fashionable gay man. French aristocrat, high society, gay man, always dressing nice, always looking nice, always smelling wonderful. And he gave me no shit, like a subscription to Hair Club for Men when I was like 26 years old, as well as some like peroxide shit that you put on your head. Monoxidil. He got that for me as a gift and he took, he had no idea how badly this hurt my feelings.

No idea. He was like, what? You know, I know you want to look good, so I'm just, you know, I'm helping you. And I'm like, helping me what? I know you want to look good, so I'm just, you know, I'm helping you. And I'm like, helping me what? Grow back my receding hairline? And he's like, well, it's no secret, Brian. And I was like, thanks, Charles. I appreciate it. Worst Christmas gift ever, for sure. And I think probably in a couple of days we'll get her on the phone, but my mom is certainly the, is she's an equal opportunity destroyer of hopes and dreams around Christmas gifts. Because my mother has got to be the worst gift giver consistent.

Really? On a consistent basis. Yes, let me give you an example. I am 25, 26 years old. Remember, I have a twin brother. I'm 25, 26 years old. So, I have a twin brother. I'm 25, 26 years old. So that would have been sometime in the 2000s, right? Sometime in the 2000s, long after 1982 has gone. But my mom was still pandering under the delusion that I was like a four-year-old boy, because when I opened up her gift,

her big gift to me was a full head-to-toe jean outfit, jean jacket, jean shirt, pair of jeans, you know, white socks, bright crew socks, and she was like, you can pinch roll them. Like, they were acid washing, she's like, you can pinch roll them. And I'm like, pinch roll them? Mom, no one pinch rolls anymore. What are you talking about? That jean jacket, Chrissy, was the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. But what was made worse was when Kevin opened up his gift to realize that he got the exact same outfit. Oh, matching. Yes. So Kevin and I had matching jean outfits. Now, we humor, we use it a lot to defuse emotional situations in my family.

And Kevin and I were running a little hot that my mom had decided to get us jeans. So we kept a lot, you know, we made a big joke out about it. You know, jean jackets, mom, don't get jean jackets. You don't get jean jackets. That's not what happens. next year, my mom decided to go to Kohl's and get Kevin and I flannel jackets, flannel jackets like the kind you wear to chop wood, you know what I'm saying? Not the stylish kind, but the kind you use to chop wood with thick corduroy pants. So now we look like true woodsmen. And it wasn't just me who got it, it was Kevin who got pants. So now we look like true woodsmen.

And it wasn't just me who got it, it was Kevin who got it. So the year number two, my mom fails. Year number- Clothing gifts are tricky. Yes. You know, they are. Year number three, I think we each got a carton of cigarettes with a brand new ashtray, you know,

because your mom's helping you die. Well, you used that. I got a six pack of Bud Light one year, I think that's what I got for my mom. And then eventually my mom wised up that, you know, she was trying to pick us fashion choices. Listen, when you're a mother, you'll always be a mother. When you're a father, you'll always be a father.

You're always gonna wanna dress your babies. I'm sure that that's true. I'll know that when I, you know, when I'm 72 and my kids are nine. I'll realize that. But what my mom wised up to was, why don't I just give the boys gift certificates so that they can go and do their own thing? Great call, unless mom gets us gift certificates to like, you know, what was the store? Woolworth? Do you remember that store? Woolworth? Woolworth? They don't even exist anymore.

Yeah. Yes, there was like one in the greater Chicagoland area. And I don't know how she got these gifts. I think she asked my grandma to send them to us. Woolworth? Where am I gonna get? And then one time it was the Burlington Coat Factory. The Burlington Coat Factory, mom?

I remember that place. Is that where all the kids are getting cool clothing? Is the Burlington Coat Factory? The Burlington Coat Factory, Mom? I remember that place. Is that where all the kids are getting cool clothing? Is the Burlington Coat Factory? Of course, my mom was always known to make like super special. Listen, Christmas was such a special time when we were very young children. Then our parents divorced, like a lot of parents do divorce for a lot of different reasons. And when they divorced, my mom went to live in an apartment and my dad stayed in the house. And you know, so my dad did his best to make the Christmases special and my mom did her best to make the Christmases special. But I think when they weren't together teaming up to make the Christmases special, it just, something got lost. So my mom would

decorate her apartment. She had this fake tree that would bend at an angle, and like tinsel and stuff like that. So it lost its luster just a little bit. And I'll tell you when I think it really kind of, like it hit me that it's lost its luster, was one year, I think this is the same year that we got the cigarettes in the ashtray. We come in, it's Christmas Eve,

and my mom has got the oven on, and it smells good in the house. And that was different. That was different, yes, because my mom, it never smelled good when my mom was cooking, God bless her soul. But it smelled good and so I was like, I wonder what we're having.

It smells, doesn't smell like traditional Christmas food. And my mom says, it's a surprise, I know you're gonna love it. I know you kids are gonna love this I've been thinking about this for weeks. I made a decision. I'm gonna go with it I know you don't always love my cooking. It's that you're gonna love it We all sit down for dinner and my mom pulls out trays from the oven that had been warm two of them Separately and on the and she puts them on the table and they have these tins with the

Cardboard top. Uh-huh and the both the cardboard tops say Pizza Hut pasta My mom got Pizza Hut pasta bowls for Christmas and I'm telling you what is it was all it was cracked up to me It was fucking terrible. It was like the Pizza Hut cooking pasta bowls I mean you would think how hard is pasta to fuck up if you're making the pizza you can make the pasta No, but I didn't see any pots of boiling water over at Pizza Hut when I went there I mean, I don't think those were coming in the door fresh. It was terrible and it was just like that To me it was a bit of a sad moment, funny, but a bit of a sad moment.

It is, she was trying. Because I was like, my mom's trying so hard to make Christmas special, and she just can't win for losing. I mean, it's like absolutely has destroyed any notion that Christmas is special anyway, by freaking. And I go, mom, and she goes, you don't like it? And I'm like, it's Pizza Hut for Christmas. And I go, I, and she goes, you don't like it? And I'm like, it's Pizza Hut for

Christmas. And I go, I know, like, you know, okay, I appreciate the effort, Mom, but how did you even think of this idea? And she's like, well, I called them and I asked them if they were open on Christmas Eve. And they said yes. And I thought, great, let's do pasta from pizza. I saw a commercial. It looked great. They do make it look good on the commercials. Listen, they do make it look great on the commercials. Listen, they do make it look great on the commercials because that's what the people who make the commercials are paid to do. Exactly. They're not getting their pasta from Pizza Hut. They have professional chefs that do that

shit. There is no pasta chef at Pizza Hut, I can guarantee. No, and that's probably why they do not have those pasta bowls anymore. But now Domino's does. Oh,, I think it's just makes its way around the pizza universe. I think there's a person. That's right. I think there's a company who makes pasta bowls for pizza places and they win the big contract and realize that it's a loser. And then they move on to the next big pizza brand. It's like, you know, one moment pizza hut has it.

The next minute Domino's has it. Little Caesar's is next. Little Caesar's pizza bowls. That's why I can appreciate a little Caesar. Listen, if I'm going to have pizza on the holidays, which is not the worst idea in the world, I'll be real honest with you. We've already determined that Brian is not a big fan of the traditional clucking and chucking dinner with ham and, and Turkey that gives you salmonella. I'm okay doing a taco Christmas. I'm okay doing a pizza Christmas. And one year we did our own pizzas

and we cooked them in a pizza oven at my dad's house. That was fantastic. I'm okay with that. But let's not go to Pizza Hut for Christmas Eve. If I'm gonna have a pizza on Christmas Eve, I'm gonna have a pizza from one of the, like the boutique pizza places around here. But- If I'm gonna have a pizza on Christmas Eve, I'm gonna have a pizza from one of the, like, the boutique pizza places around here.

Well, there's tons of them now, but maybe back then there weren't that many. No, there was like, you know, everybody in every city around the world has a Antonio's Pizza, Tony Romo's Pizza, Bob's Pizza. You know those pizza places that have been in your neighborhood for years, but you don't know anybody who's ever gone there, but on Friday nights there's a lot of cars out front? Everybody has one of those pizza places and has forever and ever. But it isn't until very recently, and I think Atlanta might have been one of the places that started this trend, to have these very boutique pizza places that have wood-fired

ovens I had flown in in a helicopter from Italy for 700, yeah, from Sicily, that is not old, we just flew it in from Sicily. And those are the kind of places where if you're going to get pizza for Christmas Eve, let's do a pizza from that kind of place. Now, I do have to say, Pizza Hut, when I was a kid, was the better of all the options, in my opinion. That was my personal opinion. Like, I would rather do Pizza Hut than the other guys.

So but in the worst part about that particular dinner, that particular feast, was not that my mom had decided to get Pizza Hut. It's that there was no pizza from Pizza Hut that could have come along with it. Right, yeah, that you could have stood with like at least a box of pizza. But here's the good news, we got lots of cigarettes to smoke, so at the end of the day- And beer to drink. Beer to drink, so at the end of the day, it wasn't that drunk. Yeah, you make the most of it. That's what you have to do. And you have to, you know,

when you get older too, you look back at stuff that happened when you were younger with your parents and you're like, they were doing the best they could. Well here's my belief generally in life. Most people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time that is given to them. I just think that's true of most human beings. We're just doing the best we can with the information we have in the moment that we have it. And that's it. And there's no knock on my mom. My mom was a single mother, and yes, a single mother of mainly adult children, but that's

still a feat. Like you still have to, she held down a job. She, I mean, my mom is a rock star in a lot of ways. Look, she made me and I'm doing 12 days of TCB, which actually is 13 days of TCB. Okay, maybe we weren't all that great at math, but I'm telling you what, Pizza Hut or no Pizza Hut, my mom was trying. And for that, I give her credit. And now with the grandkids, she just loves to get them toys.

And with the grandkids, she's doing so much. I've noticed that my parents are doing so much better with the grandkids than they ever did with me. Yeah. I guess that's how therapists stay in business, huh? Yeah, it's just, I think, easier when they're not your own kids. Oh, yes, for sure. All right, let's do this.

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Okay. You know the home- And I want pizza now. Oh man. Well, I love some pizza. It sounds really good. I know, but we have pizza so much around this house because the kids, you know, they're kids, they love pizza.

And so we have pizza at least once every 10 days. There's pizza of some brand or variety, whether that be frozen pizza, we go out for pizza. So I do want pizza, but then part of me is like, I already have a lot of pizza in my diet. I'm not sure my cardiologist is going to appreciate that. Here's the reason why I ask you about the worst Christmas gift ever, because they've put out the traditional annual list of worst gifts for 2024 to get something.

Is this from town and country? This is not from town and country. This is from Whale House. Oh! Whale House! Good old Whale House! This is not from town or country. This is from whale house. Oh! Oh, whale house! Good old whale house! That was good. You saw that one right on the corner. You were like, I like that one.

All right, ready? Yes. I think this is the worst, yeah, the 17 worst Christmas gifts as per whalehouse.ca. Here we go. Yeah, don't ask me. I just found it. I thought it was interesting. I was reading through it.

Okay. Number one, a coffee cup. I can agree with this wholeheartedly. Don't get me. There's too many coffee cups out there. Listen, I drink tea. Every night I drink tea. It's easy on my throat, my belly.

I like it. There's no caffeine. It calms me down, because I need calming down a lot. And through the years, people have gotten me coffee cups, tea cups, right? Throughout the years. It's wonderful.

But now I have a hundred of them. I don't need another one. I honestly don't. And that's just- The last time we moved, I purged a bunch of them. Even if they were kind of special. Yeah. It's like, there's too many.

Let's be real. Has anybody ever really said, I want a coffee cup for Christmas? I mean, unless it's a fancy one. Now, one of my family members this year for Christmas wants one of those fancy ones that heat themselves up. Like you put them on the little thing and they heat themselves up and stay out for days. I'll take a Yeti any day. Oh, yeah.

Well, get me one of those other ones. What are those, those ones everyone's killing each other for? That have a bunch of lead in them? Stanleys? Stanley cups. I guess we're over the Stanleys now? Are we over the Stanleys now that there's lead in them? Okay, just checking. Number two, Walmart gift card, mom.

Oh, well. Walmart gift card. Actually, I don't think this is the worst gift ever. I was gonna say, you really got attached to those pants you got. Those pants, I was wearing those yesterday. Those pants are the best fucking cozy house pants I've ever had.

There you go. From Walmart, not from Lululemon, which also makes a great, of course they do, they're $600 a piece, but also makes a great sweat pant, whatever you want to call it, lounge pant, whatever you want to call it. Jogger. Jogger.

I'm telling you what, those random ass pants I found in a Walmart in bum shit South Carolina were some of the best pants. And I had to work for those because they didn't have many of my size. You did. I remember the story. Yes. All right. Number three, socks. And this is something that was always in my stocking, always, always, always was socks. Now, if you would have asked me 10 years ago, I would have said,

please stop giving me fucking socks. If you ask me now, please give me more socks. I am in love with a cozy pair of socks. Me too. I'm wearing some special ones today, in fact. Ones that do not get holes in them. I'm wearing socks from a company called Clover, which is why they have the Clover on the bottom of them.

Yeah, I like that. And they are incredible and they don't ruin. You know, I've bought them from like sock companies that are supposed to be reputable. And then three months later, they have holes in the bottom. Really? And I don't wear socks like. Bombas, bombas are great. Personal hygiene products comes in at number four. Yeah, I guess, you know,

I don't need tampons this Christmas. Yeah. That's what you're saying. I like shampoo, but I mean, you could go with an expensive shampoo and conditioner. Okay, I think there's a difference between getting like bath bombs and, you know, scented stuff, you can like, it's thawed out. Like you know, here, like one time I got Astrid, we had one of those standalone tubs, and I

got her a thing, like one of those- Oh yeah, the tray. A tray, and some bath bombs and some other stuff that went on there. And I said, hey, you could go ahead and take your bath. Now, little did I know that Astrid hasn't taken a bath in her entire life, like she doesn't take baths. Oh really? Yeah, no, she doesn't.

I think she took like three baths when we had that stand and that standalone tub was beautiful. We've got one and I love it. Oh, but she was, she's just not a bath person. Yeah, some people aren't. But I thought, I tried. That was thoughtful. Yeah, but after six years of knowing her,

I probably should have guessed, having never seen her take a bath before. I was going to say it's not that thoughtful. A picture frame comes in at number five. Now, yes, an empty picture frame, yes, totally worthless. Don't get someone an empty picture frame. That's a highly subjective thing to put in someone's house, right? But a picture in a picture frame.

Okay, I can go with that. Special picture. I can roll with that. I guess it's given, I guess it's the context also. I'll tell you what we got my mom for Christmas last year, Kevin got it for her and we've been adding to it, is one of those digital frames. The digital ones.

Where you hook it up to the internet, it's got an address and then you send pictures to it. Yeah. So even though my mom, so even though my mom, you know, is not mobile, so we can't get her out of the house a lot. She can stay up to date with pictures. Yes, when we have an event here at the house, or we're over at the gym, and there's a recital, or whatever it is, we can take pictures, and then we send it to her. So we can say,

hey, mom, look on your frame, we've got some new photos. I love it. So I think that was a good present. But an empty frame? Yeah, I don't want that. Ugly Christmas sweater, the very out, I think it's overdone. The ugly Christmas sweater thing is overdone. And I don't own ugly Christmas sweaters because anytime I have gotten them as a gift,

that I just don't wear them. Oh, you give them to Goodwill the next year. Yeah, that's it. Or that same year. Or I regift them. Yeah guilty of regifting or not regifting. No never really gifted I mean, I don't know that I've well, no, I've never gifted Regifted as if it was my own gift like I had picked it out for them and I really hadn't okay So you never I would give somebody something but I say, I got this and don't want it. Would you like it?

Oh, okay. Ever regifted? I think I might have done it once or twice. But not like a mean way. Normally it's like, it's a nice thing, but like, I just already have it or have... Yeah. And like, I don't want to tell someone if I already have something that they got me because they feel like they did put thought into it.

It is something I would like. I do have it. Yes. I do have it. Yeah. I agree. I've gotten like golf balls that then I regift to my brothers or something like that. Well, I guess I'm telling him now. Sorry, guys. I got the golf balls from someone else. I gave them to you. I've regifted a few things, but I do it with intention and love. It's like, oh, I know you would like this much better than I would. So I'm going to pretend as if I got this for you, even though someone else got it for me. And a pinch.

Candles from the dollar store. No! This is very specific, but anything from the dollar store. Can we talk about the dollar store? You can't get a gift from anything from the dollar store. Can we talk about the neighborhood ruining dollar stores for a second? I mean, these places are absolutely terrible, and despite being a dollar, it saves you no money.

They are simply... Think about all the extra packaging, think about all the extra things that have to be done to break stuff down into smaller sizes to charge you more money for less product. Think about this. You go to Walmart, you buy an Orange Costco, you buy a giant jug of detergent, right? It costs you $25 or whatever. Then you go to the dollar store, and it's like $1.99 for the tiniest little thing of detergent, or a couple of packets of detergent.

It is so much more expensive per item, like per gallon, per fluid ounce, per M&M, whatever it is, to buy that stuff at the dollar store than it is at Walmart. Now, if you only have two bucks on you, I can understand, but they don't pay those people a living wage. Well, that's the sad part. Yeah. I read the whole thing about how they pop up in food desserts too, which are places that don't have fresh food and produce. And then, you know, they have everything canned and it's...

You know, you know what makes me feel good about society right now? They're closing dollar stores by the minute right now, like the dollar generals and the dollar stores, because they just are terrible. Stop the dollar stores. Don't give me anything from the dollar store. Don't want. Thank you anyway. But a candle from the dollar store?

No, those candles are bad. They're bad? They're really bad. Are they scented? I'm a big candle person. I go for a nice, expensive candle because it just lasts longer and smells better. I agree. I mean, anything I've ever bought, anytime I've ever bought a cheap candle, it's disappointing.

It's disappointing. It smells terrible. They're bad for you. They don't burn correctly. Like all the chemicals they put in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all, ugh. A keychain comes in at number eight.

Oh, yeah. No. Please don't get me a fucking keychain. Let me get my own keychains. I don't want your keychain. I want my keychain. And I don me a fucking keychain. Let me get my own keychains. I don't want them. I don't want your keychain I want my keychain. Yeah, and I don't wear a keychain Who wears keychains anymore? Who does this? What's a keychain for when you're seven and you have a backpack a keychain makes sense because you collect them on your backpack, right?

It's a it's some little indication of your individuality when you're a young person But when you get over the age of 15, do we need keychains anymore? Really? I don't think people have keys anymore. I turn my car on with my phone. Fuck you. Okay, Rich Guy. I know. I am. I'm rich. I'm rich. That Honda sitting outside doesn't turn itself on. I press a button, ladies. Number nine, and I couldn't agree with this more, please never do this, we're just talking about this on today's show, a pet for Christmas. Do never get anybody a pet for Christmas unless you have talked about it with them specifically.

Because Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, none of it. Don't do it. You do not get someone a pet when they do not expect you to get them a pet. That is a terrible fucking idea. They will feel obligated to keep that animal. They probably didn't want it in the first place. You want to know why? They didn't have a pet in the first place.

If you want a pet, you go get a pet. You don't do it. That's not something someone does for you. You do it yourself. Yeah, that's tricky. That's a lot of responsibility you're putting on someone. Unless it would be like a pet for the family, you know, in a family house. Where you and your husband or your wife or your whatever

have spoken about it at length. You're gonna surprise the kids with a dog. You know they're not gonna take care of it, so it's your fucking responsibility. Okay, got it. Yes, 10-4. 10, a T-shirt, a brand new T-shirt. No, don't get a T-shirt for Christmas.

Unless it's like a really good T-shirt. Yeah, unless it's a really funny T-shirt. A funny one or a good quality one. A good quality one, but don't try and get someone a T-shirt that you think is fashionable, right? No, that's a really funny t-shirt. A funny one or a good quality one. A good quality one, but don't try and get someone a t-shirt that you think is fashionable, right? No, that's a bad idea. You're my mom all of a sudden. Again, clothing is, I go against getting clothing.

I agree with you, 100%. Number 11, weight loss programs. No. Weight loss programs. No. Who's getting weight loss? That's like your hair loss program. I know, I think it's worse, actually.

Yes, it is. I think I could, you know, listen, my hair is going regardless, right? A weight loss program might indicate that someone else feels you're lazy. Oh my God, that's an awful gift. Can't take care of your own self. Yeah. Right. That's a terrible gift.

That's like getting someone rehabbed for Christmas. You're an asshole. Go to rehab. Which one time I was in rehab for Christmas, I just... Well, if I look at it, I'm like, I'm going to go to rehab. Which one time I was in rehab for Christmas, I just... Well, if only you'd had a gift certificate. Do you remember, I know, if only... Do you remember the time I told you that I was homeless, like I was living under somebody's porch because my dad kicked me out because I kept bringing strippers home?

And so I lived under the porch of the stripper's mom's house while she was cheating on me because really, honestly, who's dating the guy under my porch? It's pretty much a lose lose situation. So the next step for me, even though at the time I was certainly drinking and drugging, it wasn't like I was a full blood, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't like, I had to snort cocaine 24 hours a day or was drinking myself into oblivion every single afternoon. I just was casually doing drugs most of the time. Yeah. But my big out was I had a guy that met me at a coffee house,

like an old high school friend met me at a waffle house, I think it was, and was like, hey dude, I heard you're not, you know, like you're having a bit of a problem. And I was like, yeah. And he's like, I'd like to call some of my friends and have them meet us here and I they they can help you I think and I was like, oh, okay great. The people who showed up were people from Rehab program quote unquote and where they asked me if I was in danger. Did I only drug dealers money?

Oh, wow, how much alcohol did I drink? I got all of a sudden got roped into like a little cult and they sent me to a halfway house in on Buford Highway, Atlanta. What? Not even kidding. Twelve guys living in a three-bedroom apartment, four of us per room. We all had to pay rent by going and working day labor jobs. And I was there during Christmas.

There was no TVs allowed. You could have a CD Walkman. If you had one of those, you could have a CD Walkman or a radio. No televisions allowed. None of that shit. So on Christmas Eve, they rolled in the TV and they played it's a wonderful life to basically 16 hardened criminals and Brian. in criminals and Brian. It was the most disturbing Christmas of my life, Chrissy, of my life. Yes. And so, rehab for Christmas, not a bad thing. Exercise bike falls right behind weight

loss management. Calendars or office supplies, agree with this 100%. You don't need to get that for somebody. Let them do that on their own. That's a highly personal thing. My wife loves calendars. Loves calendars. Loves them. Has them all over the place. She uses them. I love a good calendar. Yes. But you know what? She doesn't want anybody else picking that out for her. No. You do it yourself. Number 14 is a paperweight. Well, I didn't even know those existed anymore. Do we even use paper anymore? I mean, who's getting a paperweight? Do you have a paperweight? You look at me like you

might have a paperweight. There's some beautiful paperweights out there. You know, I've seen before they're like the blown glass and they're really pretty. That's a piece of art that you use as a paperweight. But a paperweight is like a rock. You know what I'm saying? Like a rock with a place for envelopes that no one gets anymore. I don't know. Cash is number 15. Why not cash?

Hey, listen, I'm saying this moves up to the best gifts you could possibly give. This summer and this spring and this fall and this Christmas for the commercial break is cash. We should start a Patreon just so people can tip us. You know what I'm saying? Number 16 is self-help books. Agree with that 100%.

Don't give us. No. Yeah, that's personal. Yeah. You make people feel like they're being an asshole. You know what I'm saying? If you give them a self-help book, like- Like how not to be an asshole?

Yeah, like maturity 101. Yeah. Relationships for children. The five love languages for assholes. Yeah, that kind of stuff. And number 17, coming in at the worst gift to give someone, I just forgot it, cleaning tools. Don't get someone a vacuum for Christmas.

Unless they really want it. Hey, listen. There's some great vacuums out there. There are some Dyson's out there that I would die for. Yes, exactly. Yeah, honestly. We received one one year from Jeff's mom and loved it. It was good? Yeah. Okay. All right, go for the Dyson. Listen, the Dyson's are like, that's a different story though. A Dyson is like getting an iPad. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Really, and they're more expensive than an iPad. We a Dyson and and that thing has like a screen on it

That tells you how much shit it's picking up at any given time and is it max eco maximum filtering? Yeah, Dyson really changed the game. They made it sexy to have a back. Yes Dyson Dyson is the Apple of vacuums. That is for sure. It's its own ecosystem. You need their chargers. You need whatever. Anyway, I like a good dose. I'll take it. But don't get me Clorox or, you know, well, I'm applying supplies. Yeah, no, that's bad. No cleaning supplies. Merry Christmas. All right. TCB podcast.com. That's where you go. More information about the show, all the audio, all the video right there from one location. You can also get your free TCB sticker

or if you need a replacement for your 21 EPM sticker, that's biodegrading right in front of your eyes, let us know, go to the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address and we'll send you that sticker. No must, no fuss. Also, if you donate to one of the charities we've been talking about in the 12 days of TCB, the National Breast Cancer Coalition, St. Jude's Hospital, and the ASPCA, take a screenshot, let us know and we'll send you some free swag. I'll send you some of that deep swag, some of that B-side swag. Menfo stickers picked up off the ground from Menfo touched by Brian's hands. Don't you want that? That's going to be worth money. My fingerprints are on that bitch. Picked up off the ground and mailed back to us by Jeff's partners.

I'm not paying to throw these in the dumpster. 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas, we will take them all. Also, that's where you can send the aforementioned pictures. You can also leave a voicemail there. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok, and youtube.com slash the commercial break. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so.

I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say, we must say, and we do say goodbye. I gotta get some cocaine! Time to be creative! Have no family to celebrate Christmas with this year?

The commercial break is live the entire holiday season to make you even more miserable than you currently are. So put your Christmas pajamas on, gather around the Christmas tree and listen to brand new episodes of the commercial break.