The Commercial Break - 12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Episode #658: On the day of TCB Christmas we bring to you…Santa erotica! And that's a sleigh, girl! Donate to St. Jude & The National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund Who can we get to talk about TCB? Our old Dr. Phil ads Influencer ads Our old business guy we used to review??? Big Ed’s influencer career Are we the old people in Dune? Santa erotica “Velvet canal” The old JC Penny catalogue The sperm bank guys SemenX Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult life skill to teach? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app for families. With Greenlight, you can send money to kids instantly, set up chores, automate allowance, and keep an eye on your kids' spending with real-time notifications. Kids get to earn, save, and spend wisely, and parents can rest easy, knowing their kids are learning about money with guardrails in place. Sign up for Greenlight today at greenlight.com slash odyssey. Hey Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us.

We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you, December 13th through the 25th brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, holy **** where's the tile and all? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break. That's why you're on the naughty list. I swear, trust me. Well that's why you're on the naughty list because you're being naughty right now. So you're going to're on the naughty list. I swear, trust me. Well that's why you're on the naughty list, because you're being naughty right now. So you're going to be on the naughty list if you keep talking like that. No, because five for Christmas is not being very nice to me.

Because you're being naughty, so you're on the naughty list. No I'm not, I'm on the good list actually. You're not, because you're not, because you ain't being good. I am on the good list. If you can't say that word again and again and again, I'm not on a naughty list. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Loads early.

Hi, I'm Brian Green, This is the Ellen and Mike Clark. Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. 12 days of TCB day number what the fuck ever. Who cares? Welcome back. We appreciate it. Happy holidays to you and yours. Whatever it is you choose to celebrate. We choose to celebrate financial stability. So you get 12 episodes of the commercial break and you get 12 episodes of the commercial break and you get 12 episodes of the commercial break. Thanks for joining us. We appreciate it.

Chrissy, the other day you surprised me with a fact about Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. As they call him, CR7, being the highest paid influencer in all the land. That's $3.23 million per post, per mention. And I thought to myself, you know, we could give ourselves the gift of followers this Christmas season if we could just get somebody like Cristiano Ronaldo to mention us on their Instagram. There you go. Fantastic idea.

Yes, we would have to do 12 days of TCB for another 120 years to get to $3.2 million by my math. So I thought there's got to be somebody out there, someone that would do this for us. Let me see. Maybe we can't get CR7, but maybe we could get someone in that neighborhood that would be willing and able to give us a mention on their Instagram. Right. Because you've got to imagine, if you pay Cristiano Ronaldo, here's the thing, I went to TikTok yesterday and I started looking at videos of CR7. I tried to find his actual TikTok account because I had heard via the internet, via the Google AI, that he had 423

million followers on TikTok. But it is unbelievably difficult to actually find his real page on TikTok. Because there's so many fan pages. There's so many fan pages. And a lot of them have nothing but a picture of Cristiano Ronaldo, like literally one post, Cristiano Ronaldo, 6.6 million followers. Jared So here's my, okay, so let's put, besides having a Finsta, what if we pay somebody to talk about us? Because if we pay Cristiano Ronaldo $3.23 million and his fake accounts are getting six or seven million followers, wouldn't it stand to reason that if we pay him to actually mention

us, we would get some flak, we would get some sloppy seconds? Tractions? Yes! How many followers do you think we would get if we paid him to do a mention for us? If he said like, one of my favorite comedy podcasts is the commercial break. Oh, lots. Yeah, millions? Millions. Probably millions.

Okay, but we can't afford him, so let's put him aside. What if we find someone a little less expensive? Okay, I'm into it. All right. Okay, here we go. I'm up for open Fridays. You seem we go. I'm up for open for ideas. You seem really excited. You're very, okay.

I'm open for ideas. Well, I guess my thinking is, didn't we pay people to talk about us? We did. Like the smartless guy. Yes. Dr. Phil. Yes. Conan. We did.

All of those people aforementioned is probably the reason why some people are listening to us today, actually. Without their help, we would be nowhere, Chrissy. So let's piggyback off of that thought and go 21st century. Get on social media and get them to get an influencer to mention. Not that Conan or Smartless guys aren't. I will say this.

They didn't do it with all their gusto. Conan did a good read. I can't say. And I love Smartless. I absolutely do. I think they're wonderful. And I'm just, I feel honored just to have had them say their name. Yes. Our money.

Dr. Phil, not so much. In hindsight, probably wouldn't repeat that. Here's the crazy part. Dr. Phil brought us a lot of listeners. And that's how I know a lot of our audience is not well. That's right. I was. And that's how I know a lot of our audience is not well. Is not well. I was going to say the mentally unstable. But Dr. Phil, we did like five commercials with him and the first four were just, you

know, hey, it's Dr. Phil. Do you enjoy ghost stories? People who date chickens? Listen to The Commercial Break, available everywhere you listen to your other podcast. The commercial break now available three days a week. Do you enjoy fucking your grandma and writing in about it? The commercial break will take your text message. That was the first four.

And then he got it. And then all of a sudden on the fifth one, he had some drinks or something. I actually, I know he doesn't drink, but something happened. He was huffing, you know had some drinks or something. I know he doesn't drink but something happened he was huffing you know paint cleaner or something because he goes you know those guys at the commercial break they're fantastic I love those fuckers. Do you like talking about ghost fuckers and mountain monsters and horse chickens? We did make him read that. I have that ad somewhere we should pull it out we'll pull it out on one of these episodes. Yeah. There's probably not, I probably can't, but I will. I'm probably not allowed to, but I

will. Actually, I paid for it. Yeah, I know. Exactly. Yeah, I paid for it. I will not be rerunning the Smartless ad. However, I'm not going to let our audience know just how disrespected we are by everybody else in the podcast community. Here's Smartless at the commercial break on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Thanks to the commercial break for advertising with us. It was supposed to be a minute. It was less than 10 seconds. Okay. So let's go through the top 20 paid influencers of 2024. And let's see if there's anybody that's gettable for us. Okay. Kevin Hart, the American standup comedian, actor, pitchman, extraordinaire, Kevin Hart. The American stand-up comedian, actor, pitchman,

extraordinaire Kevin Hart is everywhere. Four foot two and worth a billion dollars. Everybody loves Kevin. It's hard not to like Kevin Hart. I mean, he's just one of those guys. He's like Tom Cruise. I mean, not Tom Cruise. Who's the other Tom? Tom Hanks. It's like Tom Hanks, not Tom Cruise. Tom Hanks. It's like Tom Hanks, not Tom Cruise. I was about to say, well. If Tom Cruise would accept influencer money, I bet Tom Cruise would instantly be the highest paid influencer ever. Now, I know he does like, he won't do commercials here in the United States,

but he does lots of international commercials and apparently he gets paid like 10 million, 15 million dollars. I can only imagine. Yeah, to do one of those, you know, silly, I don't know, perfume ads, you know, or just standing there with his hair whipping back. Beth Dombkowski I'm picturing it now. Jared Sifton Rock by Vigil Vlageur. Rock. Beth Dombkowski Okay. Wind. Beth Dombkowski Sand.

Jared Sifton Wind by Saint Lawrence Evie. Those people must sell perfume, like celebrities must sell perfume because every perfume commercial has celebrities. And the only one I've actually ever enjoyed is the Miley Cyrus one, just because I like that song. Anyway, Kevin Hart, take a guess at how much Kevin, I'm going to have you guess at how much these people make increasingly until we get to Christian. Christiano, excuse me, not Christian, Christian, like we're buds, Christian. Hey, Chris, CR7.

Beth Dombkowski So we're going from Kevin Hart to top, okay, and it's top 20. Kevin Hart, I'm going to say, $500,000. Kevin Hart More. Beth Dombkowski Okay, a million. Kevin Hart A million dollars for a Kevin Hart mention. I think Kevin Hart, I'm going to say, um, 500,000 more. Okay. A million, a million dollars for a Kevin Hart mention. I think Kevin Hart, if we had a million dollars, which we don't, but if we had a million dollars, Kevin Hart might be a good fit for us because everyone likes

him and therefore gives us a shot. Getting there. Uh, yes. Neymar de Silva. Neymar da Silva. Neymar da Silva is a Brazilian football player who plays forward for the national team and the Saudi club. He was once a world phenomenon and quickly risen to fame. Some of the biggest names in the sport were once his equals, including legends like Messi

and Ronaldo. He's a good option for the sports and fitness brand that are looking for a celebrity to endorse their product. Take a guess how much he's got 227 million followers. 227. And how many did Kevin Hart have? He had... Uh... 178. Oh, okay.

God damn, we don't even have 200 followers on TikTok. Not 200. I mean to be fair, I never post on there until like last yesterday, but okay. All right. And you're not like a famous good-looking footballer. Well, I'm not famous, but good-looking is an art. That's subjective, Chrissy. If it wasn't gay, she would think I was good-looking. You're good-looking to me. Okay. Thank you. I'm going to say 1.2. 1.1 million, 1.41 million dollars. Katy Perry, Katy Perry!

1.41? 1.41. Okay. One, excuse me, 1.141. 1.1. Yes, 1.1. Pi. Yes, whatever, who cares?

It's a lot of money. Too much, we don't. Katy Perry comes in at number 18. She's got 205 million. So he's got 278, she's got 205. But I guess she probably has more of an international flavor to her, like everybody kind of knows who Katy Perry is. This has not been the greatest year for Katy Perry, I will say that. No. Well, she did have the baby, so that's good. Was that this year or last year? That was this year. I had the, I think so. Was that the, what'd she have that with?

Russell Brand? No, I'm kidding. No, God. That's her old husband. Russell Brand. This is the year Russell- Is it Orlando Bloom? Orlando Bloom, yes.

Okay. Russell Brand officially went off the deep end. Okay, Katy Perry, average price per post is what? Oh, 1.2? 1.2 million dollars 1.2 2 million dollars And she will give you a mention next at number 17 is the aforementioned Miley Cyrus Miley who's got 214 million Instagram followers Mentioned from her will cost you a cool

1.3. 1.276, so pretty close. What about Kourtney Kardashian? What do you think she costs? Oh gosh, she's up there. Of course she is. Wait, is Kourtney Kardashian hanging out with Machine Gun Kelly now? What is going on there? What happened there? I don't know, because she got married to Dude and had a baby. Who is Dude? Oh, God. It was all over the news. It's the guy from... Please, Christina, help us out. I'm trying. Hang on. I can't remember his

name. Is the guy with all the tattoos on his head? Yes. Yeah, he was in the band. Oh, Blink 182. Yeah, okay. Travis. Travis. That's right. Barker. Travis. Travis. Travis, that's right. Barker. Travis Barker. Travis Barker's wife gets $1.35 million per post. She has had, this year, a couple of months ago, she had one post that had three and a half million likes. Three and a half million. I got excited the other day when I posted on

TikTok for the first time. And you know how you can watch the little counter if you go on like the, if you go on your desktop version. I just figured this out. You can go into analytics and watch the little counter as you get your views. When it got to 50, I had to tell my wife, I was like, I think it's going viral. It's got 50. And then it, and then it ended at 50 cents. And then it went off to the close. Yes. Because TikTok said, ah, ah, ah, ah, no old white men here. Also, you're on a desktop.

Yeah, well, fuck you. I'm on desktop. I got seven desktops over there. I just bought Christina a new desktop. I've never had so many screens in my entire life. I feel very special. I love all of my screens. Take care of them.

Nicki Minaj plays in at number 15. Ooh, I like Nikki Minaj. Good old Nikki. 1.3. Yeah, you're just going up the ladder, aren't you? 1.35 for Nikki Minaj. Virat Kohli. Kohli is a current captain of the Indian cricket team. Many regard him as one of the best contemporary batsmen in the world. Never watched cricket in my entire,

actually, that's not true. I've watched like five minutes of it. I have not. But for the life of me, I cannot understand it. But it's huge. It's huge. And it goes on for months. There's like a games go on for months.

Games go on for months? No, they go on for days. But they go, I understand. Days? Days. Games go on for days. Really? Yes, they will go on for days and days. And I don't know telling you. Days? Days, games go on for days. Really? Yes, they will go on for days and days.

And I don't know why. Why can't it be wrapped up in a single sitting? I mean, that's- Or one day. One day, or five hours. I mean, take a page out of the American baseball book and just get them to hustle up a little bit more. Exactly.

Get it done in one day. Anyway, he's got many followers, doesn't say here how many he has, but he makes about $26 million a year earning $1.385 per post. That's crazy. $1.3 million to make a post. And when you're that famous, and I don't know that anybody this famous, like I don't know anybody on this list is listening to the commercial break, but if you are, write in and tell us, do you accept like two or three of these a month

or do you just be, are you really choosing and only do three or four a year? Because if I'm one of these people, I am literally sitting in this studio all day long doing posts for sponsors. Do you know what I'm saying? I know, well, it must get the return on investment if people are paying that. Oh, for sure. And no one's spending $1.4 million. It's like a Super Bowl commercial.

Yes, that's true. Jennifer Lopez gets $1.5 million per post and doesn't say here how many she's got. Let's see here. How many followers does she have? JLo. Oh, she does like coach and stuff like that. God damn, Chrissy, why can't we just do one of these? I mean, why can't we just do, why can't we have 250 million? Why can't we have one sponsor just, we have over 300 Instagram followers.

We're taking $20 per post. Chrissy will sit in the studio for the rest of the day and do nothing but Instagram posts. Taylor Swift is number 12. This is surprising to me. I would have thought she would have been much higher on the list. But T. Swift, with over 285 million Instagram followers, you can get her to mention your shit for $1.6 million. There's another one. I know it's not Christina's favorite musician in the world, but there's another one where I think we would, the rubber would meet the road. Because unbelievably, most of our audience is female, or maybe not believe, maybe totally believably,

most of our audience is female. Kendall Jenner is number 11 with $1.75 million to make a post. I can understand that. Kendall's very beautiful and popular. 290 million followers. Justin Bieber. The Biebs? The Biebs, even though you don't hear a lot about the Biebs anymore.

Yeah, the Biebs. The Biebs has had a baby. He just had a baby? Yeah, Ian Haley. What do you think about the Biebs and Diddy? Do you think Biebs is like a victim of Diddy? I don't know. There's so much speculation. Yeah, there is the talk, the chatter, but I would guess, yeah. But I feel bad talking about it, you know?

I'm not going to like talk about that. No, I know. But I'm just curious. I'm so curious to see how this all plays out. Obviously, that's his private business. If he chooses never to share anything about Diddy, that's on him, right? But it seems if you go back and watch a lot of those interactions that are public, like the ones that were videotaped, him on Ellen and stuff like that, it seems highly suspicious

the way that Diddy is acting toward Justin Bieber. But Justin, lick your wounds with $1.75 million every time you post on behalf of somebody else. Khloe Kardashian. Ooh, Khloe being the highest paid of the... Or maybe not the highest paid, but one of the highest paid. What about Kim? We're gonna get there, I'm sure.

305 million Instagram followers, 1.85 million dollars for a mention from her. Beyonce comes in at 1.9 million dollars at number eight. Number seven is Kim, $2.1 million. The queen will always be the queen. 359 million Instagram followers. If that doesn't tell the aliens all they need to know about life on earth in 2024, then I don't know what will.

Ariana Grande comes in at $2.25 million. 377 million followers. That's probably gonna go up after that turn in Wicked. Dwayne Johnson, guys! The Rock! Are we really gonna pay The Rock this much money for a fucking advertisement? 2.3 million dollars. People are paying it, yeah. Here's a Vosswater mention that he did. Vosswater has been a staple in my life for over a decade. For 1999 plus 1999 shipping and handling, I'll send you Vosswater straight from my own refrigerator. So much after, oh, he acquired a stake in the company. That's how you do it. You do it, I'm telling you this,

you do it the Shaquille O'Neal way. You know what Shaquille O'Neal did when he started getting famous and people were like, I want you to pitch my product, I want you to pitch my product. I'll pay you money to pitch my product. He said, no, I'll tell you what, you know what you can do?

You give me a piece of the company. A steak in the company. You give me a steak of the company. And now he owns like a steak and foot locker. Everything. Crispy cream. Yep. That fucking car insurance commercial

that I can't stand, the General. The pizza, I think he's involved in there. Domino's or some shit like that. Isn't he the new CEO of Domino's or something? Ain't that bonehead go away? Kylie Jenner. Oh, Kylie Jenner gets paid more than Kim. Kim, that makes sense. Kylie Jenner. Oh, Kylie Jenner gets paid more than Kim. Kim, that makes sense.

Kylie Jenner comes in at $2.4 million. She's got $423 million. Okay, here's the top three, you ready? Selena Gomez, $2.6 million. Good for her. With 423 million followers. I like Selena. Leo Messi comes in at number two.

Messi and Ronaldo at the top. That's it, $2.6 million. He's doing a, what commercial is this? Oh, he did a Lay's potato chip commercial. Nothing like selling your soul to Lay's. Cristiano Ronaldo. You'd sell your soul for 2.5 or whatever he's gonna pay. 2.5.

You would hawk some Lays. Yes, with one zero behind it. $2.50 and I would be doing Lays commercials all day long. I am not too proud. I like the Lays, like a crisp chip. Here's my thing about, like I was talking to one of our network representatives the other day. That sounds important. It does sound important, doesn't it? One of our network representatives the other day. He's like, can you... That sounds important. It does sound important, doesn't it?

One of our network representatives. One of our network representatives, which means Brian is incessantly emailing the sales team wondering when the next dollar is going to come in the door. Hey, when's that check coming? Hey, it's been an hour. Is that check here yet? So I was talking with this guy and he said, can you do me a favor for one of our sponsors? Of course I can.

And he said, oh, it's so nice and refreshing to have that kind of attitude. And I said, well, what else? I mean, what, is it going to be a dick about you bringing money in the door? And here's my opinion about sponsorship. Well, I know somebody, most people don't like to listen to ads or watch ads. I'm one of those people too. The truth is, is that's the reason why we can do 12 days of TTC is because they're sponsors who pay us to do it. I mean, they pay us to support our creation of that content. And since we don't take sponsors

who we don't, you know, use or would use, then what's, honestly, that's the way people communicate their products, right? That's how they get the word out there. That's been way people communicate their products, right? That's how they get the word out there. That's been around for forever. And that's why, okay, and now let's look at the least paid influencers of 2020. That's just everyone sitting in this room. Yeah, I was going to say, it's a picture of us. Okay, so let's see here. They're called nano-influencers. Let's see how much Big ed gets paid per post.

Oh yeah. Big ed paid per post. I've seen some stuff on TikTok about micro influencers with like under a thousand followers on Instagram and they do pretty well. Like they make a good salary. Listen, the, we used to say this on Clubhouse when we were incessantly babbling on that stupid fucking app forever during the pandemic.

We used to say there's riches and niches bitches because there is riches and niches. Here, here's how I liken it to, if you want to advertise on the commercial break, you can probably advertise anything. I mean, most things, right? There's some things I don't think you'd want to advertise like kids products or Disney toys or whatever, but you can advertise insurance, beer, you know, the online sports betting. You can advertise anything because our listeners are listening to a very broad topics when there's topics at all. When there's content at all, Brian's doing. But let's say

you have a model train podcast or a model train Instagram. When you do that, there might be a model train store out there that sells, you know, expensive model trains to people that one customer could spend five, six, $10,000 on those model trains. So for you, paying $1,000 to get at those 10 or 15 people that watch those, the Instagram feed or listen to the posts might be well worth it. Where if you're advertising on the commercial break, paying $5 to be here for six months on our show might not be worth it. It's just, you just have to, it's a math game. You got to figure it all out. Big Ed gets paid. Are

you ready for this? Yes. Well, I'm very curious. Business videos. So business videos. Business videos. He's doing business videos. He's doing business videos. Like the guy that we used to talk about that would do the sales. Oh, yes, this reminds me. That sales guy.

Yes, the sales guy. Who was that? That guy was great. What was his name? He was fantastic. We had him on for a while. We're going to find him. Maybe we'll put him on.

Maybe we'll check in with him. We do. Okay, business videos where you can do business with Ed. What kind of business? $ one thousand dollars per post. I don't know. He's on that cameo like everybody else. The business of getting on reality shows? Yeah, that's what he does.

Listen, Big Ed last year made two hundred and fifty thousand dollars on cameo alone. Really? Two hundred and fifty grand on Cameo. I'm surprised you didn't do one of those Cameos. You love Big Ed. Listen, I love Big Ed and if I could play it here on the commercial break, I would pay for it all day long. But as I mentioned the other day, I can't.

Angela's on there. Angela made 100 grand. Of course, Angela. Soulja Boy. Angela. Soulja Boy. Angela. Soulja Boy coming at you live from Nigeria, man.

$5.25 per postman. Do business with Soja Boy. What are you guys talking about? TLC. TLC. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, 90 Day Fiancé. Nothing anyone under 60s can understand. We got our own language too, Christina. Christina Smedley Instead of saying what the kids say these days, you can start saying what are the olds saying these days? Jared Smedley What are the old... Are we like those people in Dune?

Christina Smedley We're the mids. Jared Smedley Like the old ladies in Dune who run around controlling everything and speaking their own language. So, just a little note here, since we did the top and we're doing this, this is really what's gettable for us. Soulja Boy will do a read for us, $50. And in 2024, he's done 1200 of these. Soldier Boy, he has not been on TLC in at least three years. And Soldier Boy is doing, that's $56,000 he made this year alone, telling people happy birthday for being on 98th Fiance! Fuck you. Fuck it all.

We're giving up. 12 days of TCB, my ass. We're cutting it short. Three days of TCB. I just had an idea. You do love TLC so much and those reality shows. I mean, you've got one right here. You've got a gold mine between all of the kids and the podcast. And you and Astrid have that international flair too.

We do. There's got to be some kind of 90-day have that international flair too. We do. There's gotta be some kind of 90-day niche that you could get into. That in the right producer's hands. Ninety days, ten years later. Yes, 90 days. Astrid, after times ten. Nine thousand days after, that's right. Ninety days, nine thousand days after.

I think in the right producer's hands, this could be a gold mine of reality trash. Exactly. For sure. Number one, number two, I think I've blown my chances to be on TLC after I told the girl who brought pimple popper to the TLC networks, her show was shit. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I pissed off the TLC executives.

Well, that makes, that's one of many. All right, let's take a break and we get back Santa porn. We'll be back. Oh God. What do you mean? You don't know our phone number. I only tell it to you twice a day, four times a week. Fine. If you insist, I will tell it to you again. It's two one two four three three three TCB. That's two one two four three three three eight two two. And don't you forget it. Now, in case you can't remember, our Instagram handle is at the commercial break. A tough one, I know.

And our TikTok handle is at TCB Podcast. And that one is the same as our website, tcbpodcast.com. And one last thing, go to youtube.com slash the commercial break for all of our video episodes. Got it? Good.

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Hey friends, I'm Sharon McMahon, host of Here's Where It Gets Interesting. Each week I speak with authors, experts and thought leaders on everything from American history and democracy to how to be a better person on the internet. And don't miss my extremely popular Dacu series, which educate you on things you never learned in history class. Follow and listen to Here's Where It Gets Interesting on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, Chrissy, what do you want for Christmas? What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?

Let's see, a new coat. How about a long, hard cock? Well, I mean, you know, depends on who's dressed up like Santa, right? I guess, at the end of the day. Jeff, is that you? Ho, ho, ho your ass up on that bed. I did write that on my list. Oh, okay.

All right. Well, to you, mine, but all right. Sometimes she shares nothing, and sometimes she shares everything, folks. Depends on what kind of mood she comes in the door. All right. So, I don't know, don't ask me how I got on this, but somehow through the magic of my social algorithm, somebody was reading Santa erotica. I was like, is this a thing? And oh yes, it is. Oh yes, I'm sure that it's a thing. Santa Claus erotica.

Now, I gotta imagine that that white beard and that big belly just turned a lot of people on. I'm assuming that the thought of bringing you a special package under the tree just gets you racing. Well, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus as an old song. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's true. I didn't think of it.

So, it's been a fantasy for a while. But I think the joke is Santa Claus was dad, right? You know what I'm saying? Oh. Like, from the child's perspective, I saw Mommy Chrissy goes, oh, really? Now I'm thinking about that song in a whole different way. I think that song might be the reason why I started suspecting that Santa Claus was not in fact real, is that I was like, wait, hold on one

second. Santa Claus erotica is real. It is alive and well. It is in the dark corners of the internet. And yes, I have found it. And it's the lyrics to a Sabrina Carpenter song. And what is her Sabrina Carpenter? Oh, don't you remember last year? I had you read the lyrics to A Nonsense Christmas. Oh, yeah, that's right. I was listening to it on the way here. Oh you were?

And one of the first lines is like, when you sliding down my chimney, ooh it feels so good. Yeah. Sabrina Carpenter. She loves Sluddy Christmas, which as you know is my favorite genre. Well listen, if for a cool $2.6 million we can get Sabrina to mention our show along with her Christmas polling. Okay, here we go. You ready? A little sample of Christmas erotica from out there.

This is by a person, I don't want to steal their content, so I want to make sure that I'm shouting out that this is on Lit Erotica, and this is by the author R. Beamer. R. Beamer. Probably their real name, probably not. Okay, here we go. You wake up with a start, a startle, I'm assuming is what they meant to write. Was that a sound you heard? You roll over to look at the clock. 1103, Christmas Eve. Not a creature was stirring. You look out the, where, what are we, what are we going for? There's a lot of flavors going on in this first paragraph. You look out of the bedroom door and notice a light was left on. Must have missed it when

we went to bed. You get up, silent and slow as not to wake your partner, and pad softly into the living room to turn out the light. You are surprised to see a man in the living room. He has his back to you and is placing his presence under your tree. Santa? You ask slowly. He straightens up quickly and turns with a jerk, his fingers held to his lips. Well, hello, dear, he says quietly. Shouldn't you be in bed with your pasty nipples? No, I'm kidding. His blue eyes look over you and suddenly you're conscious of what you are, he's conscious of what you are wearing. And it's not much. A pink satin buttoned up pajama shirt that just barely hides your red panties.

It's a chill as your… Pink satin? Can't do a red satin? Yes. What? Pink satin. Pink? Yes.

Okay. Pink satin, red panties, button-up pajama shirt. It's a little chilly and your perky nipples are pressing through your shiny top. Wait, you're wearing flannel. Okay, I don't get it, but all right, I'm just gonna roll with it. He wrote it, I didn't. He doesn't look at all like the traditional Santa Claus you see everywhere this time of year. He's wearing a red velvet coat and a hat, of course, but he's also wearing black leather pants, heavy black boots, and a red satin shirt. He looks to be in his 50s and he's not fat at all. He seems to be fairly good shape for his age. You figure this makes sense considering all he has to do on this evening.

His hair is silver gray, his beard short and a little wild, his eyes sparkle with delight. He's just the sexiest Santa you've ever seen. I heard a sound, so I arose from my bed to see what was the matter. Are you really Santa Claus? Of course, my dear. He laughs a little in spite of himself. Have you been a good girl this year? I've tried to be, but I might end up being on the naughty list.

That's okay, my dear. Some people move from the nice to the naughty list and back all the time. It's not hard to be naughty once in a while. That makes you smile. Well, I'm just finishing up here and I need to go. Lots to do tonight. He bends up to pick up his sack.

You glance at the clock. 1103. Strange. It looks like the clock is a little slow. But Santa, I never had a chance to tell you what I wanted for Christmas. This is not entirely true. You've had, you tried to visit at least one mall Santa every year. You like to flirt with the Santa and make him a little uncomfortable as your husband takes pictures. He likes it too. Oh, it's a cuck holding Santa fantasy. I love it. Yeah. Well then, what would you like Santa to bring you this year. Another eye twinkle, this man is starting to turn on you. Should I be sitting in your lap from this?

As you give him a wicked smile. Of course, my dear. Santa makes his way to the couch, sits down and pats his knee. You slink over knowing that he is watching your body move under your silky top. You sit down on his legs and feel this smooth, cool leather on your hot cheeks. You put your knees together in your hands and your lap. You start to list all the things you would like Santa to bring you, but it's pretty clear they are things for other people to get.

Your friends, your family, all the people you love. I can see you're a giving person and you care for others more than yourself. That's a great way to stay on the night's list. But what can I do for you, young lady?" Santa's blue eyes stare deeply into your green eyes. He holds your gaze for several heartbeats. You feel your private parts start to tingle and warm. Your pussy is getting excited and wet.

Very excited indeed. You think to yourself, I'm gonna give Santa Claus a huge present. You reach up, gently slide his stocking cap from your head and run your fingers through his long, thick, gray hair. You scratch his beard lightly with your long fingernails. You reach down and take his hand. He's wearing a soft leather glove. You pull at all the fingers, removing the glove from his right hand. You place his fingers on your lips, never breaking eye contact. You start to kiss his fingertips and then you lick them slowly like the disgusting human that you are. You slowly insert

fingers into your mouth and then suck on them gently, rolling your tongue around and getting them soaked with your saliva. I'm already grossed out. I know. His cheeks start to flush, his breathing getting shallow, and he moves his pelvis underneath you, obviously becoming uncomfortable. But he doesn't break the stare. You spread your legs a bit, fit the bottom of your night shirt and guide your wet fingers into your panties.

You press them against you and hot and slowly rub them into your slot. His strong fingers take over and you grind your ass on his legs. His fingers part your lips and enter your velvet canal. They find your button, pinch it and tease it. You arch your back with pleasure and suddenly you're moaning his strong fingers probe deeper. Suddenly you orgasm, it's gentle, easy, but very intense visions of sugar plums dance in your head. You relax after waves of pleasure have passed and lay your head on Santa's chest still quivering and shivering with delight. Santa Petson strokes your silky hair as you recover from this passionate experience. But you know it isn't over.

Okay, I'm gonna skip over this one. Oh, that's what you're gonna skip? Yes, that's what I'm gonna skip over. You, you, let's fast forward. You remove your mouth from his throbbing hard-on, stand slowly and drop your sopping panties to the floor I would like to go for a ride on your sleigh this Christmas You say and then lick his earlobes and gently massage his head. Of course, my dear you've earned it

You are suddenly concerned with the amount of time Santa has spent with you, and you're worried about all the others he'll need to visit tonight. But you look at the clock, and it's still 1103. The magic of Christmas. That's how he does it, you say to yourself. I love you, Santa Claus. I love you too. Ho, ho, ho. You people are disgusting. You disgust me with your filth. Defeal. You've defiled Santa Claus.

Santa and Christmas Eve. Kris Kringle has been torn apart by your throbbing slot. Also 1103. Also, 1103. Velvet canal. That was my favorite, the velvet canal, as you shiver and quiver. This is amazing. People will literally get horny over anything. This is proof. Santa Claus, never in my wildest dreams, I imagine.

Has any, I mean, honestly, Santa Claus, he's kind of like, like the epitome of goodness and richness and wholeness, and we've just made it impossible for anybody to think about Santa in the same way again. How sick do you need to be to sit around imagining that Santa Claus is gonna, you're gonna ride Santa Claus's sleigh on Christmas Eve? I mean, that said, we did read one time that people had dolphin fantasies. I know, and dragons and… Dragons and aliens are pretty… that's a pretty common theme. Vanilla?

Yeah. Watch any hentai. That's pretty vanilla. Hentai is all dragon tentacles and octopus and going in and out of every orifice and ripping people apart. That shit's intense, by the way, hentai is. But I just thought I wanted to give you a taste of how unwell some of our fellow human beings really are. Oh, I believe it. It's crazy. I believe it. I think I've even heard of like Easter bunny porn too. So. Easter bunny porn.

Yeah, it's all out there. Well, we'll get to that in Easter. Leprechaun. I mean, name each holiday. Yeah, no, I know. You know, like erotica is a huge literature category. Erotica. It's been forever and ever and ever. There's like, I think those books sell very well. The ones that have intensely detailed descriptions of lovemaking, they still sell like hotcakes. And they're as evidenced by entire websites where people can write their own, you know, romantic porn, essentially.

Not all that well, but Grant, you know, you- I don't know if I call it romantic, but- You don't think that? I think that she was, he or she was trying to add a little romance in there, and it wasn't as graphic. Listen, there were some choices that I made leading up to this, and I'm telling you right now, I went the route of safe. Okay.

All right? Good. I went the route of safe. Good. And I'm sorry if I ruined anyone's Christmas, but if I'm going to know the world is so fucked up, I want to share that with the rest of you, especially during the 12 days of Christmas. Of course. Let it be known

far and wide. Santa Claus, North Pole is not the only pole Santa Claus is, it's rubbing this here, you know what I'm saying? Yes. To be fair, I do remember when I was a kid and they still had magazines, you know, girly magazines. What's that? We used to look at women on pieces of paper with nipple pasties. I used to read the J.C. Penney catalog. That was your favorite. The brassiere section. I mean, listen, you're impressionable when you're young and the J.C. Penney catalog comes in the door at 12 years old and there's girls in bras?

Oh my God. Forget long before Victoria's Secret started sending out that stuff. But I will tell you this, when there were girly magazines around, I'm sure they still exist somewhere, but when there were girly magazines around, inevitably, every year during the holidays behind that shitty little, you know, mini-mart, you know, cashier that you were getting your gas at, there would be Mrs. Claus in some kind of negligee. You know what I'm saying? Like Santa, maybe Santa is not the most popular version of erotica, but Mrs. Claus has certainly been bastardized by every man out there. Oh yeah, there's definitely sexy Christmas outfits.

Yeah. And that's a good time to remind everybody 21 EPMs. Make sure you get all of your ejaculations in. And we have an update on the 21 EPM sticker. Oh yeah, again, listen, a little housecleaning. Astrid heard our siren song about the browning of the 21 APM stickers. The controversy currently gripping the web that our 21 APM stickers are cheap and they don't last and they're turning brown. Well, they turn brown in the sun because they are environmentally friendly. They are eco-friendly.

They are biodegradable. So, we are, and we actually found this on their website that we found that because they're biodegradable They're only gonna last for a couple days Outside yeah, if you put them in the Sun which we have suggested that you do if you put them in the Sun Then they are going to degrade and 21 that's right sticker. It says 21. That's right. I was like, it's perfect for us.

Ruining your bumper sticker just like we're ruining your Christmas here on that commercial break. Happy holidays. Happy holidays to you and yours. All right. This Christmas, Chrissy and I are asking you to donate. We're going to talk about this charity one more time, then we're going to bring in some you've suggested. We're going to talk about two charities that we would love for you to send some, you know, some payola their way, because they do good works out there in the world, and it's that time of year. And these charities, most of them really depend

on this, the giving this time of year to make them go all year round. It's like everything else. Everybody spends that money here in the holiday times for tax benefits or just because they're feeling good or because they're thinking about others. The St. Jude Foundation, the St. Jude series of hospitals provide treatment to terminally ill or long-term cancer patients, children who typically have serious and complicated types of cancer. they provide that treatment at no cost to anybody for anything. And they do that because of the donations from people like us. So please, we'll put a link in the show notes. We have nothing to do with this. You go directly to their website, you pay what you want to pay. But if you do decide to donate to one of those,

send us a screenshot to 212-433-3TCB, and we'll be happy to send you some additional swag just as a thank you for even listening to the show quite frankly, for paying attention to what we say. Also, Chrissy would like the National Breast Cancer... Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, they do a lot of good, within that, research of all things to do with breast cancer. In fact, they're coming up with a, they're in trials right now for a vaccine that went out.

That would be amazeballs. I know. And they do a lot of good research and advocating for breast cancer research. Yeah. If you could avoid getting breast cancer or you could, any kind of cancer, right? If you had, if it was a vaccine for cancer that did not include mutilating part of your body, then that would be like one of the most amazing breakthroughs ever. So please donate to one or both of those great causes, the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund

or the St. Jude Hospital Fund. Okay, we'll take a break and we'll be back. Hi, you know what time it is, so let's get to it. Pull that phone out of your pocket and follow us on Instagram at The Commercial Break and on TikTok for now, I guess, at TCB Podcast. You can also find all of our video content that we're filming in our brand new studio at youtube.com slash the commercial break.

So check it out and throw us a follow, a like, a comment, whatever you can spare. If you want to get in touch with us, you can always text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3TCB. Now I have one last request. During the 12 or 263 days of TCB, check out our featured charities and donate to them if you can this holiday season. All right, let's take a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show. Oh ho ho, Merry Christmas with my fog machine. Okay, hey, do you remember earlier this year, I wanted to, since we're kind of reviewing

the year during the 12 days of TCB, I wanted to bring it back to a story that we talked about way at the beginning of the year, maybe like, maybe spring. We had both watched a documentary about guys that were going around... everything okay? I was just really excited. Oh, you're really excited to talk about this one? Yeah. Do you remember this? Well, is this the Russian one? The... Oh, maybe I'm wrong. I thought this was gonna be the documentary you guys watched about the like Russian brides. Oh, okay, we can talk about that too, but let me get to this one first. So the documentary we watched on Netflix,

I think a lot of people watched it, about the guys who were going around trying to repopulate the earth with their own genes. So, it was like a triangle, a triad angle, I don't know, six guys that were going to sperm banks and then convincing people to get private donations that included handing semen out car windows, meeting at malls, grocery stores. They were basically, they were in it for sex, I think, a lot of times. But most of the time, what they were really in it for is repopulating the earth or populating the earth with their genes. It's like this weird fantasy that they had, this weird like domination fantasy that they had, and they went around

doing this. Now- So terrible. Terrible. They were found out, and there was a small town in Denmark, I think it was- I think it was Denmark, yeah. In Denmark or Sweden, that had realized that like, 120 of the children in that town were all related-

Related. Because the women who wanted to conceive either by themselves or they couldn't conceive with their husband took semen from the same person, but they did not know this until like the cat got out of the bag, everybody started doing DNA tests to realize that if they had gotten a private donation, it had likely come from this one particular person, that then they discovered was not even one particular person, it was multiple particular people. In other words, guy would, you would call the dude or meet him on a website. Yeah, there was a website dedicated to it. He would say, I've only done this once or twice,

but I'm really dedicated to giving women children when they want them, regardless of their circumstances, so I'm happy to provide you my semen. I'm college educated, I'm good looking. He would provide, you know, pictures. He looked like, you know, I don't know, like a blonde Jesus. Yeah. And... Yeah, he had kind of flowing hair. Yeah, he was just like a handsome guy. And then they would meet him and inevitably get the donation one of two ways. Either he would give them the semen that was just made, either in their house,

like in their bathroom. Yeah, he went to their bathroom. Yeah, he'd to their bathroom. He'd pump and dump essentially, or he'd provide a live donation, which means you have sex with the person and then they conceive that way, which is also apparently a way that you can do this too, which really surprised me. Okay, so listen. So, loosely, in this documentary, a gentleman as part of this quad of guys that were doing

this was mentioned, and at the exact same time, this guy was on 90 Day Fiancé before the 90 days. He was dating a woman, and his job that he made clear from the beginning of him being on this show was to provide live sperm donations. It was only one way that he did it and that was to have sex with the woman and he'd get paid to do this. They'd like pay for his travel and give him a couple thousand dollars each time he donated sperm and sometimes he'd have to do it multiple times. And when the girl that he was dating that he intended to marry asked for him to wear a condom, he refused.

When she then got nervous that she was pregnant, asked for the morning after pill, he refused to buy it for her. She went out and got it perfect, got it herself, because he really wanted her to have this baby. It was like a sick, weird fantasy. This guy at that time, one of the things that they showed in that show was that he was taking a cadre of vitamins to increase his chances of getting a woman pregnant, like supplements to make his semen stronger and more virile and all this other stuff. There is now a actual supplement on the market called semen X, semen X that you can take to make your

semen strong for, you know, the clearly, I mean listen. The supplement market is very loose, it's not regulated. There is zero regulation about the supplement market. That's why Y Brian 5000. Y Brian 3000 now available everywhere! You have sex. Why Brian 3000, I'll personally give it to you right now! 30-day free trial of my penis! How SemenX works, you ready? From their website.

The only thing better than sex is amazing sex. But what if you could make the sex last even longer with intense orgasms and great semen? Order your Semen-X today! Seminal vessel fluids constitute 70% of your load increase. The prostate gland fluid comes that forms 25% of your load increases. Your seminal plasma percent of your load increases, your seminal plasma load increases. I mean, this is something Alex Jones should be selling immediately, if not sooner. Because, oh wait, there's a commercial. I don't know if I want to play the commercial because then I'm just giving him a free commercial. But the funniest thing is the testimonials that are on this website. I want you to take a look at the picture

of one of the guys that's giving the testimonial, Neil W. Okay. Do you see that guy? Yeah. Does it look like Neil W will ever be called upon to load increase? No. No, he's 70 years old.

What does Neil need his load increased for? What is he looking for, Neil? My orgasms are way more intense. I've been taking semen x for a little over 60 days now. Saw your ads and decided it's exactly what I needed. You will not be prepared for what comes next, my dick. I mean, this is amazing. I have to tell you, the stuff works like a

char. My orgasms are way more intense and my semen volume is more than, my semen volume is more than double. Who cares? Did they ask to advertise with us? Well, they might now. Let me talk to the network executives and I'll see what happens. Our network liaison. Who care? Unless you're actually trying to get someone pregnant, which I guarantee Neil is not, who cares what the load volume is? Is that really a problem?

Or do we care about the load volume? Have you ever cared about the load volume? No. No. Never tried to get pregnant, so maybe it's a whole other situation. I don't think Neil's trying to get it. Yeah, dropping loads. I mean't think Neil's trying to get it, yeah, dropping loads. I mean, this is just unbelievable to me.

This is one of the vitamins that that guy was taking, was this Semen X. Semen X? It really was? It really was one of the ones that he was taking. I'm surprised this picture's not on the website. I know. Because if there's ever been someone that should be,

look at these guys, Chrissy, look at these men on the front of this website. If these are not guys that you want to make sure that their load increases. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Do you want to see them have more intense orgasms? No. Do you want to see any of these guys have more intense orgasms, Chrissy? Those look like the guys from the 21 convention.

Oh my God. Look at this guy. He's right up your alley. I know. Oh my God. It's so funny. They couldn't have paid for stock photography. Steven X, you couldn't have sprung for a couple extra dollars to make it look like anybody decent would want your product. Yeah. Pan in on that, Chris. Give us a shot of that. Look at that guy. Look at that guy. Decent, would want your product. Pan in on that, Chris. Give us a shot of that.

Look at that guy. Look at that guy. No, no, no, it's okay. We'll have our guys zoom in on that. That's unbelievable. What about the Russian documentary? What was going on with the Russian documentary? The mail order of brides.

The mail order of brides. Or did you just want to talk about it? Yeah, I just really liked it. It was really good. The one that we did for like three days? Yes, I loved those episodes. I was like, give me more commercial break watches, documentaries. It was pretty interesting. Well, stay tuned because there's two more documentaries of equal shenanigans that I have found that I would like to do. This is actually one of the things in season number six that I would like to do more,

is that we do a multi-day themed breakdown of longer, like a longer episodic documentaries, videos. And I've found two already that are just amazeballs and you're going to love them. And one of them is very much in the same vein as mail order brides, but this has to do with the paid dating coaches. So the paid, the peep, but not the men.

The women who take rich guys and they put them together with a gaggle of geese and then they try and hook them up. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that Lady Patty, whatever her name was? Stanger? Remember her? Yeah. Do you remember how she did that show?

Whatever happened to her? I mean, that show went on for so long, so I think she just went away for a little while, but she's still around. I mean, she's still got a little celebrity cachet. Oh, she does? Oh, okay. I always thought that would look like a scam from the beginning to me. It was like, she just put a bunch of really hot young girls in front of a bunch of really

old white rich guys. I mean, she was operating out of LA, so. Yeah, that's true. Nothing unusual going on there. Yeah, exactly. No, not going to LA. I mean she was operating out of LA. So yeah, that's true. Nothing unusual going on there. No, not going to lay. I actually love LA, but it's just a different world out there. Things just happen different. Kylie Jenner gets paid $2.6 million to mention you on her social media out there.

Yeah. Here in Atlanta, we do things different. We mentioned Semenek in the hopes that they'll pay us money some day down the line. That's how it works here in Atlanta. We for real. We mentioned Semenex in the hopes that they'll pay us money someday down the line. That's how it works here in Atlanta. We for real! We for real, no, no, no, do your thing. We're all still getting used to each other in the same space, and that's okay.

Christina was so lost in the moment talking about- She was the mail order bride. Well, she was ordering semen ex over there. She was hoping it would increase her load. Where is it? I don't know, where did you put it? Did you replace it? No.

No? Okay, it's usually in a green- Da da da da da da. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. There we go. It's usually in a green... Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh- I was loading my load. You were loading your load. I was loading my load. Loading, now loading. Semenex. Give them a shout out. We just did a free commercial for them, by the way. We really did.

Yeah, there's probably half the audience is running the Semenex.com right now. To either check out the pictures or order it themselves. Place an order. Use sick fucks with your Santa Claus porn and your Semenex. This has been a rowdy episode of the Commercial Break for 12 days of TCB. Well, when I saw the Santa erotic,

I just couldn't pass it up. I was like, oh no, no, no, no, that's Commercial Break material. That absolutely is. All right. Let's get Dr. Phil to talk about it. Oh yeah, Dr. Phil, I'm gonna get that commercial. We'll see if we can play it for you.

All right, do us a favor. Go to the St. Jude website or the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund website, donate for Christmas, give a few bucks. You know that every dollar really does matter when you're talking about life-threatening illnesses. And let's be honest about it. The healthcare system in America is really fucked, as we're seeing.

Yeah, and everything really stops when something's wrong with your health. As you know, you just went through this year. Yes, it stops. And when you're really sick, there's nothing else that matters. It's just, that's all, that's it. And sometimes you can't even function.

And I know that for a fact. And Chrissy knows that, and Christina knows that. We all know that. Get old enough and you're gonna know that if you get sick, you need healthcare, you need it now, and you may not have the money to pay for it. So these people are doing good work out there. You may need them someday.

Hopefully you don't, but you may need them. Pay it forward. All right. Tzvpodcast.com. That's where you find all the show notes, all the information about the show, audio and video, every single episode of the commercial Break now available on youtube.com slash the commercial break at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on Tik TOK and two one two four three three three TCB.

That's two one two four three three three eight two two questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. If you donate to one of those causes send us a screenshot We'll send you free swag if you need another 21 a.m. Sticker. Let us know we'll send it off to you No, most no fuss no problem. All right, Chrissy. That's all I can do for now I think so I'll tell you that I love you I love you I'll say best to you best best to you and your jingle jangles out there in the podcast universe until next time

Chrissy and I do say we will will say, and we must say, goodbye. Oh my God!