The Commercial Break - 5:30!!

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

EP#746: Bryan takes the kids over to Grandma Kiki's for Mother's Day and a stranger wants you to know dinner is a 5:30!! Plus, Bryan and Krissy are gearing up for their most ambitious idea yet: The 12 Hours of TCB! That’s right—twelve chaotic hours of podcasting, caffeine crashes, celebrity guests, and probably a few FCC violations. But before the madness begins, the dynamic duo checks in on their usual nonsense, which this week includes: disturbing dreams, Catholic guilt, and Krissy’s moral compass vs. Bryan’s Google search history. TCB Intro Clips: TCB Is terrible! Watch EP #745 on YouTube! Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB FOLLOW US: Instagram:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠@thecommercialbreak⁠⁠⁠⁠ Youtube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/thecommercialbreak⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠@tcbpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠ Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠www.tcbpodcast.com⁠⁠⁠⁠ CREDITS: Hosts: ⁠⁠⁠⁠Bryan Green⁠⁠⁠⁠ &⁠⁠⁠⁠ Krissy Hoadley⁠⁠⁠⁠ Executive Producer: Bryan Green Producer: Astrid B. Green Voice Over: Rachel McGrath TCBits Written, Voiced and Produced by Bryan Green To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What's better than a well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled ribeye you ordered without even leaving the kiddie pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart.

Groceries that over-deliver. Good morning, Brian. Yeah, good morning, Chatty Patty. Did you sleep well? No, no I did not. That is horrible. May I suggest a nap later on today? Your schedule is free after recording episode number 733,422 of The Commercial Break with Chrissy.

What day is it? The day is May 13th, 2031. It's another sunny day at the village's retirement resort and brothel. Yeah, I know. Alright, any messages? Yes, one message. Would you like me to read it? Is it from a bill collector?

No, it's from your wife, Astrid. Sure, why not? Let's start the morning off wrong. Your ex has said the following. Sorry, we will not be able to come see you this week. We are very busy with shopping and the fashion week. Please make sure to pay the cleaning bill for the yacht. I am traveling to Italy and the boat is dirty. I hope you do not mind that I asked Ricardo the pool guy to join me on the trip.

I know you don't want me to be lonely. Also, your daughter needs an iPhone 33. Call your mother and please grow up. Okay, thanks for that, Chatty. Is there any good news? Yes, Brian. The good news is today you are officially the oldest podcaster alive. Congrats on this accomplishment.

Wow, okay, well, that's just miserable. All right, come on, Chatty. You're an advanced AI model. There has to be something you can do to cheer me up. Sure, I could make a song to start your day off right. Love that, let's do that. Your wish is my command, Brian Green, creator and co-host of the least successful podcast

in all of podcasting. I have scanned the entire digital archives and all records related to TCB. I have created a song using only reviews from some of your most loyal and adoring fans. Would that cheer you up? You created a song using only real reviews and comments from our fans? I like that idea, Chatty. Alright, play that tune. People like this show, why are they on the charts? What's the fuck they're talking about? I should love a student's ass TCB is terrible

This show is fucking bad I'd like to punch Brian Mouth This podcast is kinda sad Is this what we think? It's funny now How do I turn it off? My ears are staying out Stop laughing at yourself

Are these two making sense? At least I didn't pay I am deaf in my defense TCB is terrible That is being kind Both the hosts are idiots, they left the funny behind What is this show about? It's offensive to my soul Brian is a hack, these two aren't funny and so old

Why all the hype? How did this get made? So many episodes, none of which are great TCB is terrible Worst show you could do TCB is terrible, worst to you. On this episode of the commercial break. I want chicken and dumplings. I'm like no, no, no, no.

We gotta go home. It's Mother's Day. We gotta have. But Grandma Kiki is my mother. Five thirty. I want chicken and dumplings. And my mom's like, Brian, can't you stay for just a little bit longer? Don't be like that.

Don't be like that. Let him stay. I'm like, oh my can't you stay for just a little bit longer? Don't be like that. Don't be like that. Let him stay. I'm like, oh my god. I gotta get out of here. Bye, 30. I like chicken and dumplings. Don't be like that, Brian. Let him have chicken and dumplings.

Jello. I love Jello. Daddy, Jello. One dinner's not gonna kill you, Brian. Table five. Table five's working. Table five's working. Table five's working.

Table five's working. Table five's working. Table five's working. Table five's working. Table five's working. Table five's working. Table five's working. Table five's working. Table five, Brian! Table 5! Table 5's where I sit! Bob's early! The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now! Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break.

I'm Brian Green, this is my dear friend and the co-host of the show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris and Best to you, Brian. The best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Do not attune your radios. It is a Tuesday, but we have no infomercial because we're going to do enough of those on the 12 Hours of TCB to satisfy a fat cow. So settle down, everybody.

We're good. There's gonna be plenty of celebrity guests coming for the 12 hours of TCB so we figured let's just, we'll ease our way into it. You know what I'm saying, Chrissy? Yes I do. But there's only so much time in the day and so many people that will agree to do an episode of The Commercial Break. It's a puzzle. Yes, so stay tuned. Lots of great guests coming up, including, I'll name two. Why not name two? Just give them a little Tasty Tina. A little Tasty Tina.

Returning guest, Reggie Watts, a three-peater, and a two-time All-Star Commercial Break interviewee, Tom Papa. I couldn't be more excited to have those two on board. Those just tickle the cockles of my heart, because Tom and Reggie, both wonderful guests on the commercial break, a lot of great feedback when they've been on. And so I'm very excited to have them, to have them with us. Excuse me, Chrissy, I have to look here in my, in my road caster to find something

very special for everybody. If you just give me a second, there's very exciting, very exciting news coming out of, um, I don't know if you've heard, actually we were on air when this happened, so I think everybody has heard. Oh, now just leave it to my road caster to now fall apart. No, there it is. Okay. If you don't mind, Chrissy, a moment of reverence. I'll be a spum-pum I'll be a spum-pum The poop is chosen I'll be a spum-pum Habeas Pum Pum everybody! Da Pope is Chosen! That's right!

That's right! Papa! Listen to that! A little flute! A little pan flute! Habeas Pum everybody, a pope is chosen and he is from the north side of Chicago, south side of Chicago, excuse me. He is from the south side of Chicago.

Couldn't be more, I mean, listen, as a guy from Chicago, as a Catholic, a reformed Catholic from Chicago, I do have to say that my grandparents are probably rolling in their graves right now. To think to the thought that an American pope would be from the South Side of Chicago is very exciting news for a lot of people. And even though I am far removed from the dogma of the Catholic religion, I do have to say there was a little tickle in my pickle when I heard... A little, a nice little salute flag. Yeah, a little scratch in my scritch. Yeah, I just thought to myself, how wonderful that the new pope would be from the same place

that I was born. The mean streets. The mean streets of suburban, suburbia Chicago. The mean streets of the south Side, Oak Forest, Illinois. Oak, OKC Forest! Yeah, that was the hand signs. Yeah, that's right. OAK, baby. OAK. I'm from the OAK.

What up? What up, Pope? What up, Leo? This sent everybody into a tizzy. Now, Chrissy and I were here recording What up? What up, Pope? What up, Leo? This sent everybody into a tizzy. Now, Christy and I were here recording when the white smoke puffed, when the pumpum was officially pumped out. They found out, hey, it's pumpum.

When the white smoke poured out, everybody was going crazy in the Vatican, and a lot of people on TV were also going crazy. Christy McHale Oh, yeah. I was watching a thing where there were people that traveled there especially just to see it, and they're not even Catholic. They're not even Catholic. They just always dreamed of being there when the Pope was announced. Not a dream of mine, but okay. It was to their own.

Yeah, I'd much rather watch it on TV. I went to the Vatican when the Pope wasn't even in the Vatican, and I gotta tell you, it was a crowded place. I can't imagine being there when there's half a million people. It was crazy. The Vatican, if you haven't been, is the smallest country on earth and it is tiny. I mean, five square city blocks. That's it. And so to pack all those people in there to see habeas pompum, and the guy looks like a tiny little, I mean, he's up like 16 stories in the air. Will he come out on the balcony? He comes out on the balcony and he waves and he's got his robes on and his little

pompum hat. Yeah, his little pompum hat. He looks very cute up there. He's very cute. That's a mile away. But everybody was very excited. I saw one couple had just gotten married at the Vatican with their Catholic pastor in tow. So they went to the Vatican to get married. I guess this is a thing you could do. Had I known that, still wouldn't have gotten married at the Vatican, but okay. Yeah, that seems pretty like you know people. Listen, they were in their 70s and they were from, I think they were from Chicago, maybe it was Indian App. I can't remember. There was like a number of people they were talking to on the news. But this old couple was so excited. I mean, this guy

hadn't had a boner in 30 years, and you could see it through the screen. They had such a boner that he was there when the pope was picked on his wedding weekend. It was so exciting for him. And I thought there is zero sex happening in that marriage, zero sex. They said they were on the camera and they were like, we extended our honeymoon an extra couple of days so we could figure, see if maybe the Pope would be picked and habeas pum pum. It's from Chicago. And I thought, oh God, no one's getting laid in that relationship. No one. Why? That might be their turn on.

Hey, listen. That might be their kink. Hey, listen, to each their own. Pope kink. Hey, listen, to each their own. Pope kink. There is a, the Pope kink. I don't see those two as the kind that watch the young pope, but hey, listen, maybe. The young pope was wild. I love that show.

You got to get to that show. It's so good. Well, what I did get to over the weekend of my week in recovery was... Crazy. You got to talk to Jeff and say, hey, we gotta rearrange the schedule. Yeah, and I'm getting ready to go back again for the big barbecue thing. That won't be as wild and crazy. So anyways...

Since the girl said that every time. Say that about every event. No, I mean, with all the music from this past time was a big thing. This is going to be the focus is going to be more on the barbecue, which I'm very excited to taste. Smoke Slam, second year. The Smoke Slam, second year in Memphis. What is that? It's next week. It's this weekend.

Give the dates, because, you know, in case people are listening. What is the date of this weekend? Oh, it's May 15th and 16th. No, May 17th. 16th and 17th, I think is what it would be. Okay. Okay. Let's see. Yes. 16th and 17th. I think is what it would be. Okay. Okay. Let's see. Yes. 16th and 17th. It's the 15th. Oh, 15th through the 17th. 15th through the 17th, Smoke Slam, Memphis, if you're there, buy tickets.

Yes. That's a good thing. But anyways, while I was recovering over the weekend, I thought, well, wait a minute, I've been really fascinated with all the Pope stuff. And you talked about a CNN Presents documentary that you listened to, and I found it on Max. And so I watched it. Oh, you did. Six episodes. It was fascinating. It's wild.

It tells the very beginning stories from St. Peter and how, you know, the whole thing started. Basically, like, just Christianity, the whole thing started basically like just Christianity, the whole thing. Matthew 10 Yeah. Yeah. Beth Dombkowski And then the split offs and the Eastern Orthodox and this, that Constantinople, all the popes through there. Matthew 10 Istanbul is Constantinople. Beth Dombkowski That made me think of that song. Matthew 10 It's Istanbul, the Constantinople.

Beth Dombkowski That made me think of that song. Matthew 10 I know that song. Beth Dombkowski But then there was the whole Renaissance period where they had mistresses and were having children and the whole thing was intertwined with the families of Italy. So later down their line, there had to be a big reformation. But anyway, it was very fascinating. The Pope was a king for all intents and purposes. The Pope acted like a king for a long time. The king of everybody.

The king of everybody, of everything, of anybody. And a lot of craziness happened. I'm not going to go through the whole Pope's history, but I will say this, is that the Reformation, when the Reformation happened, only then were priests and the Pope celibate for a long time. The Pope was not only not celibate, he had wives and mistresses and all kinds of crazy crap. And so, you know, I got a text message and I'll share this because it wasn't, I don't think it was combative. I think it was trying to be instructive about how priests should be celibate

because it's their, okay, listen, I understand the line of thinking and you know, I'm not that dense and I grew up Catholic. So I got the whole thing, But I just would love it if we would look at our priests and our popes and our cardinals a little bit more like humans and a little bit like vessels directly to God. Right. Because if we did that, then we could understand that they're fallible and we wouldn't follow

them into the fire. Some people wouldn't follow them into the fire. We would have a little bit, I think quite frankly, there'd be a little bit more empathy for them. I think quite frankly, we'd all feel a little bit better if our priests and our pastors and our pope had the ability to go out and get laid. That's all I'm saying. Hey, listen, I know that's like a hot take, but I don't really think it's a hot take because I heard a lot of people talking about it on the news. Like there were newscasters who were asking priests and cardinals and deans of schools and, you know, people, prominent Catholics. Is this the pope that could lead us into a time when we truly have some more, like, kind of open-minded thinking like the rest of the

fucking world? I mean, rabbis are married, right? There's lots of, I think, Presbyterians, priests and pastors get married. Baptists certainly have wives, some of the many wives. I mean, listen, I'm not for that, but here's what I'm sharing. I think the Catholic religion – They give an inch. Give an inch. You know? Just the tip.

Just the tip. What if we said, just the tip? Just the tip. Yeah, what if we said, just the tip? No shaft, just the tipped, just the tip. What if we said just the tip? Yeah, what if we said just the tip? No shaft, just the tipped, just the tipped. Wouldn't that make everybody feel better? I think it would make the priests feel better, I'll tell you that right now. Let them blow off a little steam. Let them get an EPM in once in a while. I think this makes everybody a little bit more connected to humanity because in my opinion, and it's my humble opinion, the streets to God, or whatever you want to call it, whatever your version of God is,

the streets to God are paved inside your spirit, not outside your spirit. We're all human, we're all fallible, we all make mistakes. And if we're asking our priests to be celibate, that's a big ask. It's a big ask. It's like one of the human conditions. And wouldn we're asking our priests to be celibate, that's a big ask. It's a big ask. It's like one of the human conditions. And wouldn't it be cool if your priest had like kids? Like, you know what I'm saying? I'd feel a lot more connected maybe to a church anywhere if my priest had kids and then I could, you know, pawn mine off on or something like that. I don't know. Right now, you know, single dude, never had sex before,

ever in his life, babysitting my kids, uh-uh, not gonna happen, it's not gonna happen, I'm sorry. It's just not. Anyway, new pope, from Chicago. Very exciting. One thing that we gotta knock him for is he's not a Cubs fan. Yeah, he's White Sox.

Yeah, you know, there's an old saying, you're from Chicago, the bears, the bulls, the cubs and the blackhawks. And if you like the white socks, you're from Indiana. I'm gonna forgive them for this one sin, but I will say that there is a little bit of Chicago pride. Of course. You know, there's a line from the West Wing

and I think it's probably my favorite line in the West Wing. As well as your favorite show. As well as one of my favorite shows. Certainly, certainly in the top five. I don't think I'm alone there, by the way. No, it was a great show. Yeah, the West Wing is like a fever dream for what could have been.

Like a fever dream for what we are all missing right now. For what we could have had. That's right. I didn't see President Bartlett accepting a $75 billion plane from the Qatar. It's insane. It's crazy. It's insane. I just, I mean, I shouldn't be surprised, but I-

Not surprised. There's nothing surprising. I will say this. If you don't know what we're talking about, President Trump has agreed to take a billion dollar gift in the form of a 747-8i, which is the largest private plane ever constructed. And you can only imagine the opulence of this plane. It's called a palace.

It is a flying palace. Yeah, a flying palace. Yeah, flying palace. I will say this in President Trump's favor and to give him a little bit, like just give him a little bit of credit, not credit, but like put myself in his shoes for a minute, it's one fucking badass plane. It's one badass plane.

Right. I mean, honestly, it's hard to turn that shit down. It really is. I gotta say, I mean, he, it's hard to turn that shit down. It really is. I gotta say, I mean, he is at his core, nothing else if driven by ego and money. And we all know this, whether we like him or don't like him, we can all agree on this thing. He don't give a shit about nothing except for himself and his money. And this is the epitome of luxury. And it is a beautiful plane, beautiful.

And if someone offered me that. You'd be trying to find a way. I'd find the loophole also. I'd figure it out. I'd say, get it done. I don't know. You're the lawyers. You figure it out.

Say, I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I need the plane. I want that plane. Because I want that plane. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I need the plane. I want that plane. Yeah, I need the plane. Because I want that plane. I need the plane right now. I could just hear him and I could just hear him in the Oval Office. I don't care. That plane. I get it. I do. I understand. It's really one very just dripping in awesomeness with airplanes.

Yeah, when you dream, Chrissy and I have a dream that we have an airplane once, but the furthest that I've dreamed is like, you've seen those videos of people flying in to go climb Mount Everest, where they're flying in on like a six seater airplane that's plowed together with duct tape and the guy is yelling in some foreign language,

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and they have to land on a half inch runway and the plane, the wing falls off when they land. That's my vision of a private airplane for Chrissy and I. Well, we were also saying we would like maybe like the old Rolling Stones. Yes, yeah, I'll take that. Refurbished. The Iron Maiden plane that's still flying around. Take that. Refurbished. The Iron Maiden plane that's still flying around. Even they had a 727 or something.

Iron fucking Maiden. They're like, that's pretty revolutionary that Iron fucking Maiden had this little 727 there. Chrissy and I are going to get the Leonard Skinner version, the kind that doesn't fly. Sorry, Leonard Skinner fans. Anyway, I forgot totally what I was saying about the phone. Me too. I totally forgot where we were going with this. Welcome to another ADHD episode.

We started talking about Trump and the plane and then that kind of thing. Yeah, but I was sidetracked on that plane for some reason. We started thinking about how opulent it was. I started, yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't, my mind could not get off that plane when I saw it. At first I was like, Motherfucker! It's gonna take an airplane from a foreign government? One that we probably shouldn't be all that

friendly with for a million different reasons? It's like when Phil Mickelson took a billion dollars to go play golf for, it was like, God damn it, Phil. And then I started thinking about all that money and how much Phil gambles. Right. And how his wife hates him.

And I was like, well, I guess I can understand. You can understand. But listen, here's my thing, Trumpy Trump, just do it when you get out of office. Then you got all, then whatever. To make a deal with them, whatever the deal, whatever they're paying you for to do, you're gonna do it anyway. Just do it and then take the plane afterwards.

We need an Air Force One that is going to be flying after you are president. I know you're looking at your fifth and sixth term already, but after you're done, we're gonna need an airplane. So we really need to press on Boeing to get those airplanes. Of course, the Boeing's track record. Yeah, the plane will have a self-destruct button right next to the start and right next to the engine start.

It's unbelievable, unbelievable. Anyway, so anyway, back to the Pope. Listen, like I was saying, Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Anyway, so Trump, so anyway, back to the Pope. Back to the Pope. Listen, like I was saying, you know, I really do think that the, we should, I'm hoping that Pope Leo takes the flag from the last Pope and he continues to open the minds and the hearts of the people that follow Him. I really do. I do too. In a direction that's more modern, that's less cavemanish, that can root out some of the, you know, not so great things that the Catholic Church has been involved in over the years.

I hope that He continues to go in that direction. Some people think that He, that him being picked is a sign that the Catholic Church wants to continue to move in that direction. And so that's good. And I know that there's a lot of people out there, some of our listeners included that are really excited about the new Catholic priest, Pope from Chicago. Priest Pope. The priest Pope, you know, that, from Chicago. Priest-pope. The priest-pope. You know, that priest-pope guy. Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute.

Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you wanna help Astrid too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show too. Just call and say something, anything,

or text us and we'll text you right back, promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker and we must abide. You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at The Commercial Break and watch all the episodes on video at youtube.com slash The Commercial Break.

Best to you and Astrid, especially Astrid. slash the commercial break. Best to you, and Astrid, especially Astrid. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. Happy Belated Mother's Day, and a happy mother's day to you. Happy stepmother's day to you. And to my beautiful wife Astrid, and my own mom, and all the other mothers that are out there. We got a lot of happy day,

happy Mother's Day messages from our fans. And I thought that was a very sweet thing to think of. Very sweet. Yeah, like honestly, like 12 or 13, you know, different messages about happy Mother's Day and some of them naming Astrid specifically. And I think some of them know that you had some stepchildren. And so what did you do for Mother's Day? Was there any celebration? We did. We celebrated. We went over to Jeff's mom's. And how was that? It was amazing.

Yeah? What did you guys do? We had a little wine and a little cheese and crackers and everybody gathered around the TV so Jeff could show the river beat. Oh, so... Everybody gathered around the TV so Jeff could show the the river beat What was it like pictures yeah pictures and video okay video that was like professionally taken okay, when do we get to see that? It's on it's on social media right now. Oh, it's on social media. Okay. I don't think that's popped up on my social media Yeah, of course my algorithm Fucking dude. Yes, it is crazy, wacka fucking dude. Yeah, it is crazy fucking wackadoo.

It really is. And we'll get to it later on this week. What's popping up in my feed a lot, or remember we talked about light language girl, we busted her chops for a while. We thought it was kind of nutty that this girl was speaking like this made up language, pretend she was communicating with the Polidians or whatever, you know, and she had dog shit in the background. It was really kind of strange, the whole thing.

Very pretty girl, dressed with like, you know, glitter and stickers on her forehead. Now there are thousands, and I have to say thousands, because I think it's in the thousands of copycat women who are doing this, who are talking in this weird, clearly made up, and I say this because I'm not necessarily a linguistics expert, but there are linguistics experts on social media, and some of them have chimed in, that they believe that this is all bullshit

too. They're like, this is not the way you would talk if you were just babbling, speaking in tongues. And one of the linguistics said in one of the comments, I have done a lot of research on people speaking in tongues and there are certain instances where people go into trances and they speak in tongues and it sounds nothing like this. This is someone trying to make up a language that sounds like Spanish and Chinese put together, right? It's some Spanish word, some Spanish dialect, some Chinese dialect, it's all kind of coming together.

Anyway, so Jeff's mom, and we'll review that later on in the week, just a little tasty Tina, I'm just priming your pump there, kids. Oh, for the light language girls. For the light language girls. We're gonna review about 12 of them if we can get through it without throwing up. Um, it's ridiculous.

So Jeff's mom, so you went there, 12 of them if we can get through it without throwing up. It's ridiculous. So, Jeff's mom, so you went there. And now do the girls, Jeff's children, do they say happy Mother's Day to you? They do. That's very sweet. I know, very, very sweet. Very, very sweet.

I have a great relationship with them. I love them very much. They're very sweet girls. They're very nice. We had one of them with us. She's home from college for the summer. And so went to, she was with us. So it was fun.

So, it takes a little getting used to having the girls home from summer. Now you've had, you've been used to having an empty nest over there, huh? Yeah, no more naked cooking. I just tell her you can't come down on Tuesday nights. That's what I'd say. I'd say you don't want't come down on Tuesday nights. That's what I'd say. I'd say you don't want to come down on Tuesday nights. Yeah, stay upstairs. That's right. Turn the music up. Volume at 50.

Yeah. But no, we love having her home, but it is a little adjustment. I do. I get it. I understand. I was talking to you yesterday. We do this three times a year. The in-laws come or Gustavo or somebody comes in. Oh, speaking of Gustavo, check this out. Ready? I love it. It's got a little Spanish flavor to it. Casio 3000.

Yay! It's almost like mariachi. It is. Well, I asked it to do flamenco, but I think it went a little left. So in case you don't know, I'm having fun with my new AI music recorder. Yeah, I put in some lyrics and I give it some direction and it goes wildly out of control and makes up these crazy shit. Well you know, I said to the kids,

I said, okay, listen, kids. Yeah, what did you do? Is this what you did? This is really, really difficult because when you have younger kids that have minds of their own that can now speak full sentences and have no idea what a secret is,

this is really difficult to do because they are desperate to say anything that comes to their mind. It's to the point where like, I told Astrid the other day, I said, I would love to finish a sentence. I would just love to finish a sentence. That's what I would love to do. I'm trying to teach the kids, like you have to say, excuse me, wait until the conversation is over.

There's a break in the conversation and then you can jump in. But they are, they are Venezuelan and I don't know what to tell you. They're Venezuelans. So they just talk over us. That's what they do because that's what Venezuelans do. So I say to them, okay, so one of my kids, one of my daughters, is desperate to decorate the entire household with 700 balloons, streamers, and pictures that she's going to draw on every wall. She wants to put, and I said, well, how many of them do you think you want to do?

And she said, maybe 100. And I said, 100? Yeah, on this wall. And I go, and what about that wall? And she goes, maybe 100. And so she's going down the hallway, going 100 here and 100 there and 100 here. And I said, well, you better get drawn because this is going to take a long time. We got like eight days, right?

So she's so, you know, there's like, she draws and then the picture goes in the basket and then she draws the picture goes in the basket and then the other kids, and the picture goes in the basket, and then the other kids jump in. It's so sweet. It is so sweet. But I know Astrid. I know her. And this is what Astrid is going to say to me. If I go to the store and I buy decorations,

streamers, and flowers. I love the flowers, but I would much rather have my hair done. Right. Right? She's gonna say to me- Where the money could have been spent. Oh, I love the flowers, but I would much rather have my hair done. Right. Right? Yes. She's going to say to me-

Where the money could have been spent. Yeah, where the money could have been spent. We do not have anybody from Dubai offering us a $700 million plane, either on the podcast or off the podcast, right? We get free five-hour energy. That's- And an air freshener. And an air freshener. And an air freshener.

That's where we're at, okay? We got plug, really fancy plug-in air fresheners and shitloads of five-hour energy for the 12 hours of TCB. And a good Harry's razor. Yeah, and a good Harry's razor. I like a good Harry's razor. That's all you need. Yeah, and every time like Bowlin Branch or one of those mattress places sends us an email,

would you advertise? We get so excited. But then they do the kind where they, we don't have to read it so they don't have to send it to us because that's not the type of podcast we are. No, you're not like a mattress kind of podcast. Not that kind of podcast. You're like $25 in credits to my online jewelry store kind of podcast. So anyway, so I say, all right, kids, listen, I know your mother and I know exactly what

she wants. She wants a day away from you. That's what she wants. She wants a day away from you and me if we're being real honest about it. She wants us all to just leave her alone because that's what mothers can really enjoy. They want to be around their children, but at this age, they really don't want to be, like they want a break from the kids. Right? Because the kids have a break. Of course it is. And I know that I'm not an idiot. So I say to all the kids, I say, okay, listen, now here, it's just a little insight into how it works at

the green household. I am just a little bit longer in the tooth than my wife. I am older than my wife. I am not the youngest father that has ever lived. Not the oldest, but I'm getting pretty close. I mean, I'm getting pretty close. It might feel like it on certain days. It does feel like it on certain days. And I also do a lot for the podcast. And a lot of those hours are night hours because it's really difficult to get anything done. Spent making the AI. because it's really difficult to get anything done. Yes.

The AI. Yes, spent making it. Long, tired, tireless hours. Yes. By the way, people went crazy. They loved it. It was in my head. Yeah, it was. It was in my head also. I'm with you guys. It also caught on to me too. I actually was playing it in here the other night. It was late. I was sitting here watching a television show and I was like, Ryan got it wrong. Let me put that in. Just listen to that jam. Thanks AI. AI made me an ear worm.

So I stay to the kids. Oh, so how it works here is I stay up late, Astrid gets up early. Yes, we got a good system. We got a good system. And then we swap during the day. Like if I'm not recording, I'll try and help out with the kids

and pick them up from school. I do bath times. I usually put people to bed. That's kind of my thing, right?'ll try and help out with the kids and pick them up from school. I do bath times, I usually put people to bed. That's kind of my thing, right? So, and I play with them so she can get some work done during the evening hours. So we have this like little good backing system and it fits the natural rhythm of our natural clocks.

I tend to be up, I just tend to be a person who stays up a little bit later. And when I say later, I mean like 1130. It's not like I'm partying hard. So 95% of the time, 90% of the time Astrid's up before I am. I often get up to take kids to school, but she's still up a little bit before I am. So I know that a good present for Astrid, like any good father does, is the obligatory, I'll get up with the kids this time so you can sleep in. One day a year, you get to sleep in.

Look at me, I'm such a gentleman. One day a year, go for it, girl. I mean, unless you're sick, if you're sick, then maybe there's two days a year. So, I said to all the kids, wake me up first. Don't wake your mama, wake me up. Wake me up first. So now just the way that it happens to be, I was sleeping in one room with one of the kids who were like trying to separate from our house and she was in the other room with a couple of the other kids. And so 550, I set my alarm, 550. 550 alarm goes off. I know that's fucking early, isn't it? Whoa, my eyes. Oh, I know, your eyes.

You just went to sleep. Chrissy just went to sleep. Right. Chrissy went back to sleep. For a river beat, I just went to sleep. I know. 550, alarm goes off, but I notice there's no commotion. And the kid I'm sleeping with, he's not up yet.

So I'm like, OK, all right, I'm going to get a couple extra minutes here. Hit the snooze button, go back to bed, and then all of a sudden, a couple of the girls run in the room, like 10 minutes later. So I do this trick where I'm like, hi girls, and they're like so excited. They're like, it's mommy's day. It's mommy's day. We got to get the decorations. And I'm like, we are definitely going to do that. But the stores don't open for another couple of hours. So why don't you come in bed and let's do a cuddle bugle. So now it's like me and 13 children in this queen size bed and I'm just like holding them as tight as I can, sleeping, hoping that none of them move. So if anybody's ever had children, then you know this. If the kids

are moving, then they're up. But if they're not moving, then they're asleep. And sometimes if you hug them tightly, it's as if you're suffocating them and they can't move so that they continue to stay asleep. Just hug them tighter, right? So here's me. I literally have two piled on top of me, one over here, one over here. We're all like this. And everything's fine until Blue starts barking. Blue starts growling. Growling? Yeah, she's growling because she wants food, bitch. She's like, outside the door scratching.

Just like she's barking now. Yes, she can hear me. She's mad at me because I'm making fun of her. So we get up, 615, we get up, and these kids are begging me, begging me to go to the store and to buy stuff. And I'm like, guys, listen to me. If we're gonna spend money on mom, and we are,

the best thing that we can do is allow her to spend it in the way that she sees fit. Let her go have a day. Let's not spend money. I know that the streamers sound nice, but that stuff Mommy then's gonna feel like she needs to clean up. Right, that's true too.

Yeah, and they are getting so upset. They wanna go to the store, and I know why they wanna go to the store. Because they want the streamers. They want the balloons. They wanna- And some candy at the checkout. And some candy, that's right.

So I said, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna go get the art cart, which is a cart full of art stuff. the balloons. They want it. And some candy. And some candy. That's right. So I said, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to go get the art cart, which is a cart full of art stuff. I'm going to get the art cart. Everyone make a card. I had bought cards for them to sign and stuff. We're going to sign cards. And then when mommy wakes up, we're going to surprise her with that.

And then me and some other people in the family, we all went in together, hair, nails, massage, facial, down, right? Now, we're not gonna do that on Mother's Day. Why aren't we gonna do that on Mother's Day, gentlemen? Because Mother's Day is the worst possible day to do any of that shit. They're gonna be waiting in line, aggravated and tired by the end of the day

because everything is crazy crowded. Because mothers go on strike on Mother's Day and as they should. So, you know, so it's me at 6.15 in the morning till almost about 10 with these children. And I got to tell you, Chrissy, like every other father who can resonate with the following statement I'm about to make, a new found respect for everything that goes on before I usually even open up my eyes.

The constant need for feeding, and I don't know what the fuck to make. I'm literally making Eggos with like melted Nestle Crunch bars on there. You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm doing. I'm like, I burn myself three times, just trying to make an egg-o. I'm just trying to make an egg-o. It's not that hard to put it in the toaster. I don't know. I'm sticking my finger in there. I'm all kind of, one of my daughters doesn't like it. She wants something else. So I said, what do you want? She goes, I don't know. Eggs and eggs. Can you make me eggs? I said, eggies? Yeah, I can scramble up some eggs. No eggs.

And here's the crazy thing. The night before, Astrid's doing some online shopping, like, you know, the Walmart delivery, Kroger delivery, whatever it is. She looks at me and she goes, hon, I'm doing some shopping. Do you need anything? And I go, no, I'm good. That's my, that's always my answer.

No, I'm good. And I always need something, but I'm like, no, I'm good. And I end up... Can't think of anything. Hey hon, I need some cream. I asked you. I don't know. Uh, so I said, no, I'm good. And I end up- Can't think of anything. Hey, Helen, I need some cream. I asked you. I said, no, I'm good.

And she goes, you sure? I go, yeah. You don't want anything for tomorrow. And I go, no, I don't. I didn't understand what she meant. And then when I'm looking for the eggs, I understand what she meant. She meant, you dumb dumb,

you're gonna need to feed these kids something besides Nestle Crunch bars in the morning. So, I don't have anything. So what do I do? I take like some Hawaiian rolls, slather it with butter, throw some Mexican cheese on it, and make myself like a grilled cheese. Cheese toast! Cheese toast.

Cheese toast was a staple in my house growing up. I burned it. I burned it. I burned it. And my daughter, who's so young, she's like, grossy. I'm like, well, fuck you. What do you want me to do? Mom will be up in like three hours. Right. Just hold.

Yeah. Here's some milk. You want some milk? I'm feeding them milk, juice boxes, fish crackers. Grapes, fit, yeah, anything. Goldfish, I don't care. I'm stuffing anything in their mouth. But man, it was hard. That three hours, three, four hours. Yeah, it is. It wasn't hard, hard, but it was like, I was,

I'm feeling it, I'm tired. The only common sense that I had in my head was to get to bed with enough, like early. I didn't, I wasn't up to it. Oh good, you had a little gas in the early. I didn't- Oh good. You had a little gap in the tank. I know if I go past midnight, no matter what the situation, I'm going to be tired. But if I can get to bed, if I can be in the bed by 10 o'clock, then I feel like I'll be

okay if I wake up at six in the morning. So Astor gets up and the kids are on the, I let the kids have the iPad while I was cooking. Of course you did. Of course I did. Because I don't know what to do. We're not like an iPod family. This is like a Mr. Mom back from the Mr. Mom movie.

It so is, I'm just so bad at all this stuff. And so the kids are all crowded around this one iPad playing whatever game, you know, SpongeBob SquarePants, whatever the fuck they're playing, SpongeBob SquarePants. I'm in the pantry, Astrid walks into the kitchen, and I can hear her go, hey guys, like, you know, hey, good morning. And I'm doing something in the pantry and I don't hear anything in response. And then I hear it again, hi guys, nothing in response. So I throw the thing down in the pantry and I pop my head out and I go, hey, hey, your mother. And the kids look

at me and they're like, and then they go back to the iPad and I go, your mother is up. It's Mother's Day. And one of the kids goes, Hey, mom. And I'm like, Oh my God, get the fucking iPad out of your hand and go say hello to your mother. The same woman. Oh, let me tell you, when we were talking about the whole, like, you know, having this big argument and conversation about streamers and balloons and all this other stuff, I said, guys, this is just not what mommy would want us

to spend the money on for, I promise you. And one of my kids, so fucking cute, looked at me and he goes, we could open up my piggy bank and use my money. And I go, oh, that's very sweet, brother. But that's because you want the streamers, not me. Exactly. But it's not about that. But if you do have a 20 in there, I could use it to buy eggs.

What do you got there, by the way? So anyway, you know, Astrid gets up and then I handled the kids for a while, then I put one of them down for a nap, and then we went to Grandma Kiki's house. I was wondering if you went to Kiki's. My mom's house. We went to Kiki's retirement village. I figured you were going to go there. And man, let me tell you something.

I bet it was a scene. Grandma Kiki's retirement village is a scene on any day of the week, but on Mother's Day with small children in tow, it is like, I don't know how to say this. It's like an adventure race. You have to get around people you know are probably going to try and touch your children. You have to ignore people who you know are a little bit loony. Like a Pac-Man? Yes, like Pac-Man. You have to eat all the things and get away from all the ghosts. Right. Because...

The ghosts. Which honestly, some of them are. All right, let's do this. Let's take a break and I'll tell you about Fran the Kiki's house. Okay? All right, we'll be back. You make this rather snappy, won't you? I have some really heavy thinking to do before 10 o'clock. Hi, cats and kittens. Rachel here. Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void, like Brian?

Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian I need a race. Compliment Chrissy's innate ability 1-2-433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian I need a race. Compliment Chrissy's innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans. Or tell us a little story.

The juicier the better, by the way. We love to hear your voice, because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves. Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials. At the commercial break on Insta, TCB Podcast on TikTok. And for those of you who like to watch, oh, that came out wrong, we put all the episodes out on video, youtube.com slash the commercial break and tcbpodcast.com for all the info on the show,

your free sticker or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I gotta go now. I've got a date with my dog. No, seriously, Axel needs food. Today is pork chop day. So yeah, so we went to, um, Grandma Kiki's house. So I told Astrid, I said, listen, let me take, let me take the kids over to my mom's house,

over to my mom's place. Because listen, Astrid loves my mom. Of course. And my mom is like, honestly honestly one of the sweetest, nicest people that you will ever meet in your life. And sometimes that works in her favor and sometimes that grates on you a little bit, right? You understand what I'm saying?

Yeah. You bet. I know you have this. And listen, and there's real, and sometimes there's real challenges with dealing with my mom and that's complicated and I'm not going to explain it here on the commercial break, but if you're a therapist and want to do a free therapy session with me. Yeah, when do we get free therapy?

When is that coming? Five hour energy? I love it. When am I going to get free therapy? Hey, better help. Come on, come on. So I pack all the kids in the car, or excuse me, I'm about to pack all the kids in the car, and then one of them gets the idea that Grandma Kiki needs a present. Like we got her something

and a card, but they need that I need to give her a present. And I said, okay, what are you gonna give her? Well, how about a Mickey Mouse? And I'm like, Mickey Mouse, like a toy you put in the bathtub, like a Mickey Mouse toy you put in the bathtub? Eh? Okay, I'm not sure Grandma Kiki's into Mickey Mouse. Do you have a Judge Judy or a Dr. Phil? Maybe that'd be more appropriate.

Yeah. Okay, all right. Or one of those Real Housewives or somewhere. That'd be cool. Okay, all right, you know, cool. You want to put a Mickey Mouse in there? Let's put a Mickey Mouse in there. Yeah. I like the recycling, you know, the upcycling. Yeah. God knows we can get rid of the toys. Like, if you want to give her 12 Mickey Mouses, we'd still have 12 to go. So, they pick a Mickey Mouse. Then the other kids, I want to bring

something to Grandma Kiki. Okay, you know, Paw Patrol. You know, I wanna bring something to Grandma Kiki. You know, Taylor Swift book. Okay, all right. Then before I know it, and anybody with kids will absolutely understand this struggle, each of them has a backpack full of toys. And these backpacks are like, weigh 20 pounds a piece.

And I know exactly what that means. I'm going to be carrying the backpack into the fucking house, into my mother's, I'm gonna be lugging those things around the retirement village for three hours. And guess what? I lugged those things around the retirement village for three hours.

Because as soon as we got out of the car, it's like, oh,'m so tired I don't want to carry it anymore. And okay can we just leave it in the car? No, I want to show Grandma Kiki. No can you just leave it in the car because I don't think Grandma Kiki wants it Mickey Mouse, but I showed Grandma Kiki why Mickey Mouse. Okay then carry it.

I'm so tired. I've been carrying it the whole time. You didn't carry it at all. I put it in the car. It was on the floor. I'm so tired. I've been carrying it the whole time. You didn't carry it at all. I put it in the car. It was on the floor. I drove here. The car did all the hard work. I don't want to carry it anymore.

Before anyone has a seven alarm meltdown, I'm like, fuck. Now I've got all the backpacks. I've got diaper bags. I've got backpacks. I've got water bottles. I don't know what I'm carrying. I might be carrying a child. I'm not sure.

I don't know. Who knows? I'm going into Gram and Kiki's house. And before, this is a retirement home, guys. It's one big apartment building, you know, gracious living retirement home or whatever the fuck. And there's a pergola in front, like a parking pergola in front, like every one of those has. Everybody gets dropped off right. Well, and you can't find a sparky space near a parlor. But luckily, I have smartly decided to go in between the hours of lunch and dinner, because as soon as you walk into the place, there's the huge dining room. Yes.

You know, like the cruise ship dining room, you know what I'm saying? Where every night, every single meal, the cruise director, the retirement home director gives a speech, talks about the wonderful food. We have carrots with butt paste and pork chops from three weeks ago and some mango salad. It's going to be delicious. You're going to love it. And make sure to join us for bingo. At seven, we're going to have retirement bucks. Collect 12 retirement bucks. Get a Hershey's Kessels. And everyone gets excited. Oh, Hershey's Kessels. I love Hershey's Kessels. We're in for it, Chrissy. I'm telling you, it's coming soon. I'm making fun of it now, but I'm not going to be making fun of it when I'm the cruise ship director, but I'm the one doing that.

Yeah, you and I could do it. Chair aerobics at 7 with Brandy. We're showing movies at 9 o'clock. 9. Oh, that's way better. AM, Chrissy. Oh, AM. Before dinner at 1 PM. We're showing movies in the theater room. Guess what we're showing tonight? We're showing a classic movie, Pulp Fiction. Ooh, I love Pulp Fiction. Ooh, I love Pulp Fiction.

So I smartly go avoiding those hours. I know exactly what I'm doing. Yes. Because if I go, first of all, my mom hates everybody in there until the kids show up, and then she loves everybody in there and they all got to meet the kids. You know what I'm saying? When she's on the phone, she hates everybody. When we're there, everybody's her best friend and she has to introduce, I told her I was going to introduce the kids to the friends, the kids to the friends, Brian, don't be like that.

Brian, don't be like that. Brian, don't be like that. I have spent years in therapy getting over a few things in my life. One of them is my mother. But more specifically, under the umbrella of my mother is the fact that I am a twin. And because I am a twin and because in 19, when I was born, twins were not necessarily a thing. Like here, now, everybody's a twin. Well, right.

Because of all that fertility. Yes, because of all the fertility and because just as the lineage goes on, twin multiples are not that uncommon. You have to be like, you have to be a quintuplet now to get any kind of attention. You know what I'm saying? Twins, not that big of a deal. But when my brother and I were young, it was a big deal. There were very few twins. It wasn't a thing. And so guess what? I was like that Mickey Mouse doll. I got carted around in the back of a bag 24 hours a day to be shown off to anybody and everybody. My mom would put us in like local

Kiwanis Club pageants where we would walk up and down in our cute little suits and ties dressed exactly alike. And anytime we went to my, anytime we were with my mother or with one of my grandmothers, we would be shown off. I swear to God, as if we were the Mona fucking Lisa. Yeah, but when you're six, everybody's identical. Do you know what I'm saying? Everybody looks alike at six. And Kevin and I have never really looked alike, but at a

young age we were. I hate this. I hate being shown off. And I don't want my kids to feel that same way. I really don't want them to feel like they're little things that get paraded around. It's just a thing. I don't know. It's a thing. I hate it. It's a trigger for me. So I don't want to subject my children to this. And I know that this retirement village is the place where this thing is going to happen. So I try and shield my children a little bit from it. We don't even get to the fucking pergola and there's 12 cars pulling up. You know, everyone's pulling up to drop their mom off. Yeah. They're all dropping their mom and they're all getting out with their walkers You have the prettiest hair I've ever seen!

Meanwhile this woman has wild pink hair that you can see through. It's like transparent hair. Right in the sun. Yes! It's insane. It's white and it's vintage pink. But this is pink! It's like pink, it's not a natural color.

And she's like, oh my god, look it's you! How color and she's like oh my god look it's you how old are you 17 i'm like she's five and 17 five i know your mom my your mom and me are friends Teeth rattling, falling out. You're not an I have friends. My kids are like, and I'm like, okay, come on, I gotta go. Kiki's waiting on us. We walk in the sliding glass doors and there's Kiki right there, sitting in her wheelchair right there. Hi guys, did you meet Barbara? Hi!

I knew it! It's your kids! Come here! That's the prettiest dress I've ever seen! I used to have a dress like that when I was your age. Oh yeah? Oh really? Okay, all right. Oh, the old when I was your age. Yeah, the old when I was your age. So I'm like, and by the way, to be clear, there are a few

people that my mom is actually like friendly with. One of them is named Barbara, and she's a lovely woman. She's like, completely normal, actually. She's like, you know, just very nice. She comes in, she says hi, she doesn't like, you know, overdo it. She's like, hi. She talks to the kids like they're human beings. I think part of the challenge with, sometimes with the older folks is they're in such amazement that somebody could be that young. Yeah, it's such a long time ago. It's such a long time ago. And I understand. I do get it. I absolutely understand. And actually, I'm being kind of a dick about it.

But I do like the fact that youth brings youth. Like, youth brings energy. Youth brings smiles. Youth brings... It's fun to see kids in this age. Listen, I'm pretty old too. And I get a lot of enjoyment out of the youth of my children. Right? It's just sometimes-

They are really cute. Sometimes the way people come about it is a little, it's like I can see why my children get a little nervous, because I remember being like that. I remember like, oh, I don't know. So I go, okay, Kiki, all right. So my mom, she's like, I gotta ask you something. And I'm like, oh, okay. Can you give it to her? Of course, mom, I'll give it to her.

What is it? And she hands me this plant. It's a silk plant in fake water. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes, yes, I've seen those. Like the fake water, you water, it's like glue that's supposed to be water or whatever. And she's like, I got this from someone else

and it's brought me such joy. I thought Astrid would love it. And I'm like, oh mom. You shouldn't have. You shouldn't have. Regifted the silk flower. And I go, okay, I'll give it to her. Yeah, pass it along.

I think I left it at the place, by the way, now that I'm thinking about it. Whoops. Okay. So I say, Mom, can we go in somewhere? Can we go into like a place or something? You know, yeah. A room, yeah. Do you want to bring the kids up to my room? And I'm room, yeah. Do you wanna bring the kids up to my room?

And I'm like, I do not wanna bring the kids up to your room because a room is just a room with a TV that is always blaring and I just don't want the kids to go up there and get into things. It's a lot. Yeah, my mom takes a lot of medicines. The medicines, yeah, and the things. Some of them are on the floor.

I don't know, there's like a whole scene going on up there, yeah. If some of them are on the floor. Sharp objects. I don't know, there's like a whole scene going on out there. Yeah. If she, like, you know, if one of the medicines drops, she, it's just on the floor. Right. And then some lady comes picks it up two weeks later, right? Okay. Takes it, I'm not sure what's going on.

So we go to the activities room. And in the activities room, there are some things at least for the children to do. But you know, it's also someone else's house, essentially. So you don't want the kids like going ham wild, but they have like a Plinko board, you know, Plinko? Oh, I love Plinko. Dun, dun, dun, dun, prices right?

Yeah, where you drop it from the top and it, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, it was all, I was excited about that. I'm like, oh shit, that's cool. So I'm over there playing it. They have a piano. Now, one of my kids all of a sudden is Chai fucking Kowski. He's over there just banging on the piano. And they have an ice cream machine. Oh. Now, God bless the ice cream machine.

Wow. I know this is the coolest thing and I know this is part of the reason why the kids want to go over there because it would be for me too. They have an ice cream machine. Half the time it works, half the time it doesn't. Like the McDonald's. Like the McDonald's. And by the way, it is a McDonald's ice cream machine. That's what it is.

I think it's the same company because I worked at McDonald's and I know it's the exact same thing. I also know they're difficult to clean, they're difficult to maintain and what's coming out of there is probably half mold, half ice cream. Like, I don't know. I have no idea. But the kids love it. And they have the, you know, so okay. So let's have some ice cream. All right. It's chocolate ice cream today or whatever mix they're putting in there. Okay, great. They're, it's going everywhere. One of my daughter's white dresses is just full of chocolate. I'm just, but I'm just like, whatever, just let them have it.

It's great, wonderful. Yeah, you have to let go at some point. Yeah, you do have to let go. Whatever. Yes. My mom starts playing with a couple of the girls and she's like, one of the girls brought like a comb and these like rainbow hair extensions

that you can put in like the little girls hairs, right? And so she brings it over and so my mom's putting it on her and then all of a sudden I noticed that the younger one is combing my mom's hair. And I'm thinking to myself, that's a wig. That's a wig. That's a wig. That's a wig. And the more that she's combing it, the more I can see it's... Oh my God. It's moving. It's moving. It's moving.

And I'm like, oh, and I don't think my mom notices. And then the older daughter is putting the rainbow purple thing in her hair. My mom looks like a crazy person. This entire thing is going on. And as I'm sitting there in this activities room, I've noticed there is a man who's not that old, who's probably in his like early sixties, who's sitting over there and he's watching this whole thing. He's the only other person in the room,

kind of strangely just- In the activity room? In the activity room, kind of strangely just sitting there, right? Yeah, that's kind of weird. Yeah, kind of weird. And so, okay, so I- And he's just sitting there?

He's sitting there watching. Just watching? Just weird. And so, okay, so I saw- And he's just sitting there? He's sitting there watching. Just watching? Just watching. And I thought, hmm, okay. Well, you know, I guess, what can you do? It's an activities room. I mean, you know, what am I going to do? Can you leave?

I mean, it's not my house. It's his house. Yeah. Or I think it's his house. I don't know. Meanwhile, you know, people are coming in and out. Every time someone comes in, hey, hey, Judy, did you make my grandchildren come over here

and meet the grandchildren? And they're like, hi, I'm Judy. I live on the first floor. Did you know I was in the war? That's right. I mean, this is the exact same thing that used to happen when I would go pop a jar. I know, it's crazy. It's the same everywhere.

I bombed those bastards. And I'm like, oh yeah, which war was that? I don't remember. People are coming in and out, but still the guy, the guy. And I'm like, okay, he's just over there and And he's like, he's got a mouth agape. He's staring and I think to myself, that's just, I don't like this. Like it's a little weird.

Yeah. So we suffer through about, I don't know, hour and a half of this. And I say, okay, kids, come on, wrap it up. I told your mom we'd be home at 5.30 because it's dinner time. Or I said, I told your mom we'd be home at30 because it's dinner time. Or I said, I told your mom we'd be home at five because it's dinner time.

Dinner's at 530! This is the guy. This is the guy. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You said dinner's at five. Dinner's at 530! Oh, okay. I think you're right about that.

It's always at five-thirty! Okay, got it. Thanks for that. Chicken and dumplings! Five-thirty! Okay, all right. Kids eat free. Okay, all right.

Now, this is my kids. I want chicken and dumplings. I'm like, no, no, no, no, we gotta go home. It's Mother's Day. We gotta have it. But Grandma Kiki's my mother. 530. I want chicken and dumplings! And my mom's like, Brian, can't you stay for just a little bit longer?

Don't be like that. Don't be like that! Let him stay! I'm like, oh my god. I gotta get out of here. Five-thirty! I like chicken and dumplings! Don't be like that, Brian. Let him have chicken and dumplings. Jello. I love Jello. Daddy, Jello. One dinner's not going to kill you, Brian. Table fives.

Table fives, we're all set. 530. Come on, kids. Ah. It's mass chaos. I'm like no no no no no no. Stop! You! Thank you! Five thirty!

Got it! Ten four! Mom! Shut up! No dinner! Kids! Get in the car now! Let's go!

Pack up all your thirty five backpacks and let's get the fuck out of here. I'm now trapped in a hellhole. Meanwhile, this ice cream machine all of a sudden at the end went on the blitz and it started making like this unholy racket. And one of my daughters is like, loud, loud, loud. I'm 30. Oh, loud. Fire 30. Oh, it's all fake. Oh, God, it was, Chrissy, it was chaos for three minutes. I didn't know what to do.

It was one of those moments as a father when you're like, oh, shit, have kids, they said. It'll be fun, they said. Fire 30. It was so weird. He kept yelling and he like moved backwards when he said it. Okay. Don't. Okay.

Table five. Table five is where I sit. Okay. Kids eat free. Kids eat free. What is this, Bojangles where I sit. Okay, kids eat free. Kids eat free. What is this, Bojangles? Kids eat free. It's Old Country Buffet. Yeah, that's right.

Kids eat free. Okay, roll my mom. Roll, okay, okay, mom, all right. Roll them up. Roll them up, let's go. So I start rolling my mom. My mom does one thing that I fucking hate. When I, like, the baby, the youngest of them up, let's go. So I start rolling my mom. My mom does one thing that I fucking hate. When I, like, the baby, the youngest of them,

is like, now she's like, I think she's a little scared at all that's going on. You know, guy yelling, racket going on, loud noises. And so she's trying to like get up on me, but I'm pushing my mom. And so she runs to go get up to Grandma Kiki. And I said, babe, don't get up there because I don't know how secure that is, right?

I don't want anybody falling. I don't want my mom hurting or anything like that. And my mom just grabs her and puts her on. Like my mom completely ignores my request as a parent. She just does not, she never, if I say something, she does the opposite. My mom is like a little child herself in that way. And it's like, mom, you gotta respect the fact that I'm a parent and you got to respect

what I, my wishes with my children. But I let it slide, it's Mother's Day. Okay, whatever. So, so we go, we push her, we get to the elevator. Are you ready for this? I don't know. We're rolling to the elevator. And when we're rolling to the elevator, I see down this long hallway, someone is coming

in like a side entrance, a man and a woman. And all of a sudden, my mom does this like crazy like, ah, ah, Joan! Joan, my grandkids! And I'm like, oh god. She's got her hands waving in the air. She's waving them like, come. Joan. Joan.

And I'm like, oh god. I thought we were almost out of here. And there's like people. They're so close. Yeah, there's people gathering for dinner. 10 seconds earlier, you would have made the elevator. That's it. And I go, mom, we really got to go.

Oh, just one. Just don't be like that. Just one. They really wanted to meet the kids. They, Joan, Joan! They really wanted to meet them, Joan! And I'm like, they can't move any faster, Mom. I think they're traveling at the speed

they're comfortable with. So eventually, Joan and her husband, Owen, I think his name was, very, very nice people. Very nice people. And then let me tell you why they're nice people. So you know, it's chaos, you know, oh my God, aren't you so cute? Look at you, oh, that handsome young man. Turned out to be. And then he looks at me and he goes,

you look entirely, you look entirely too old to be her grandkid. Ha ha, okay, that's a good one, thanks. And Joan, and then this lady Joan goes, well, I know this face. And I go, oh, I don't think we've met before. And she goes, we haven't met before, but I know your podcast.

And I go, oh. And now I had explained to my mother that it's probably a bad idea to be spreading around the podcast because it's a bit on the racy side sometimes. So my mom pipes right in the middle of this conversation and she goes, well, Brian told me the podcast can be kind of racy. And Joan goes, well, that's one way to put it.

Here I am, Mother's Day at a retirement village, and I'm not even safe. I'm not even safe in the retirement village. Not at Starbucks, not at Kroger. I didn't even tell you the story that I walked around a corner in Kroger, and one of the stock guys, or whoever he was, is listening to our fucking show on break. He's sitting outside smoking a cigarette. I hear my voice. I don't even think I told Astrid this.

And he's listening to the commercial break. And I know that he is because I saw his phone and I saw our cover. He was listening to it. You think I said something? Fuck no, I didn't say anything. I walked right by. But it was kind of cool.

I got to say, kind of cool. I was like, all right, cool. I don't know who he was. I don't know who the guy was or what he did at Kroger, but he had one of those like, you know, like stock boy frocks on. He was a little bit older in age, but he was listening to one of our episodes from last week.

And I was like, holy shit, really? Now that certainly is the first time that's ever happened. I've never heard our show out in the wild. But anyway, so Joan goes, well, that's one way to put it. It's like what I said, Kelly's mother-in-law, I listened to the podcast and I was like, yeah. Yeah. And then that was it.

That's it. That's the only conversation. So I said, well, kids, we gotta go. And Joan... That's one way to put it. And Joan said, well, I'm not a listener of the show, but I'm sure it's great. And that's when I said, it's not for everybody.

It's not for everybody. It's not for everybody. That's when I said, it's not for everybody. It's not for everybody. It's not for everybody. Fly, birdie. Oh my god, when you start talking like that. What's that? I know.

Fly, birdie. Brian, what time are we recording tomorrow? Fly, birdie. recording tomorrow. The adventures and retirement home continue. The very least. I know that every time I go to that retirement home, I'm coming away with something to talk about. Yeah, that's it. I should go there more often. Astrid said somebody wrote on our YouTube and I gotta give you credit whoever you are I love this podcast but only only Brian I think it was I think he said only Brian or only we or whatever only Brian would think of a

name of a thing we all hate listening and watching They all hate listening and watching. Fair enough. Fair enough. That is fair. That is fair. It's fair. No one likes the commercial break. Good observation.

The commercial break. No one likes it. That's our new tagline. The commercial break. No one likes it. All right. Everyone settle down. We got more work to do.

All right. So save it. Save it for the next one. All right. 12 days. 12 hours. 12 hours of TCB. 12 hours of TCB. 12 hours of TCB. 12 hours. 12 hours. 12 hours. We got more work to do. All right, so save it save it for the next one. All right

12 day 12 12 hours of TCB 12 hours of TCB May 31st Starting at 9 or 10 a.m. Just pay attention. You'll figure it out I'll explain why on the during the 12 hours of TCB 12 back at least 12 back-to-back episodes of the 12 back, at least 12 back to back episodes of The Commercial Break. Raise awareness for your mental health, everyone's mental health. Also to celebrate 5 years of doing this show, 6 seasons, we'll be reviewing it all. We'll be reviewing it all on May 31st. If you want to call in and participate, 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3TCB, text us and we'll let you know

how you can participate. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok, youtube.com slash the commercial break. For all the episodes on videos, same day they air here on audio and tcbpodcast.com. Keep up with all the comings and goings, get your free sticker.

Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. I'll say best to you. Until next time, we must say, we will say, we do say, goodbye. I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning!