The Commercial Break - Baby Got Crack

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

Krissy is back in action after a bout of laryngitis, and Bryan has to catch her up on the chaos of the Green household. Bryan really messed up on Friday’s episode… He was wrong about the Chiefs (of course he was) Bryan, we know you are secretly obsessed with Taylor Swift Bryan and Krissy, the Ying Yang Twins As your producer…I cannot abide procrastination! A bloody bath time at the Greens’ Bryan does not know anatomy, but he does know he’s scared! Bryan’s youngest is a genius baby Baby straitjackets?! Baby crack The Atlanta weed scene Stabbing a man in a weed-haze TCB casino robbery? If you’ve left us a voicemail, Bryan mixed up our phone numbers so we’ll get there! LINKS: Send us show ideas, comments, questions or concerns by texting us   626.ASK.TCB3 text or leave us a voicemail Watch TCB on YouTube Creator: Bryan Green Co-Host: Bryan Green Co-Host: Krissy Hoadley Producer: Christina A.  Producer: Gustavo B.  To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I told my wife I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove past her. On this episode of The Commercial Break. If this isn't proof that sugar is cracked, I don't know what is. I've never seen a more clear and concise argument for sugar is terrible for you than my one year old child who absolutely went apeshit when I took her fucking box away hard to believe yeah she knows what she wants yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Wait, wait, wait. Crack! The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Yeah, boy!

Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the director of Deep Throat Services. Chris, enjoy. Holy, best to you, Chris. Wow, best to you, Brian. It's bringing you back with a bang. Right?

Oh, my infantilized sexual fantasies about deep-throating have made their way onto the show yet again. How you feeling? I'm feeling much better. Good, Chrissy back in studio after the fourth month off. I know. People are legitimately confused, by the way. Deaths and illnesses is all I'm gonna say right now,

but hopefully that's past, that's behind. I really hope so too. Especially the death part. I hope that, I know. I hope it's, well I mean, I hope at least for the next month we don't experience any more death in the PCB family. Jeez.

That's enough, that's enough already. So you're feeling good, you're feeling back together and your throat's all, sounds good. Yeah. I know I had full blown larynxitis for three days. That's crazy. So you're feeling good, you're feeling back together and your throat's all, sounds good. I know I had full blown larynxitis for three days. That's crazy. I couldn't speak. So what did Jeff do?

He put a little bit of honey, little chisel drizzle on a spoon. He got some, maybe some much needed silence because I didn't realize how much I was talking to him throughout the day. I think that if I had lost my voice, I think it would be chaotic in the house. I wouldn't be able to tell my children what to do. Or yell at blue. Yeah, oh, for sure. Anybody looking for like a Yorkie, eight years old,

doesn't shut up, shits all over the place, bites your children? Anybody looking for those kind of animals? Yeah, wouldn't have an advertisement. Yeah, thanks. That's why I could never give her away. It's because I feel too guilty about throwing her somewhere in somebody's house. I, one advertisement. Yeah, thanks. That's why I could never give her away. Because I feel too guilty about throwing her somewhere in somebody's house.

I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving her. I feel guilty about giving it to the other person. That's right. That's the damn dog. I gotta be mad at somebody. She rolls downhill and it rolls all the way to Blue's head. She's the shortest in that house. I know.

You wouldn't know it though. She's the shortest in the house and she makes the most conversation in the house And she's always trying to jump up to your level. It's a double whammy dogs that jump and dogs that bark It's like goddamn just she fucking sit down for two seconds. Will you dog? I know even after all these years. I still try and try different little tactics. Yeah, little tactics when I first come in. Oh, I noticed. I always try a little something new. Nice, mean, indifferent.

You cannot manipulate that dog. Nope, it's the same. I tried to bribe her with treats. I brought in specialists, psychologists, therapists, doggies, Annex, doggy, Valium, doggy, this. I gave you the CBD, the doggy CBD. You gave me the CBD and it made her worse. She was fine for like five minutes and and then she went nuts. So it was crazy

and now the thing that she's doing now is she my youngest Daughter sleeps in her own room in her crib But there's a nice inviting bed in there too for one of my other children should they ever decide to go sleep in there? For one of my other children and so blue has commandeered the bed but this has become a problem because the baby who sleeps in the crib is now at the age where she wakes up very easily with noise like when they're babies

babies you can drop a bowling ball on the floor most of them won't wake up but now she has commandeered this bed she thinks that it's hers and so it'll be three four five o'clock in the morning and you'll hear and I'm like what the fuck is that scratch scratch scratch it took me a couple nights to figure it out she is scratching the door until she can get it to pop open and when then she gets it to pop open the door swings wide open there's nightlights out in the hallway so now it's bright as shit in the room yeah and then blue will randomly bark in the

Middle of the night because why I don't fucking know Fuck I know I don't speak dog You'll be dead asleep What Maybe it's the little mouse well half the time what it what it is, Zastrad will walk the hallways, you know, as a mother does, sometimes she gets up to go to the bathroom and she walks the hallways to check on all the children.

And she'll close the door, cause there's no blues in there. So now blues on the other side of the door, because now she doesn't want to sleep in the bed anymore, she wants to come back with me. And so, ah! The baby's up, the dog's barking, my son's like, daddy, what's that?

And I'm like, that is the sound that a dog makes directly before it goes to the animal farm in the sky. Fucker. Those are shithead. Listen, I wanna know more about your time with Jeff at that house, cause I had some visions of what was going on over there. How you guys take care of each other when you're in ill health.

Little drizzle, drizzle, little honey. That's right. But first, I think it's important that I get to something because I spent almost the entire weekend with my hand on the delete button of Friday's episode. Okay. And I've never done this. We've only deleted three episodes in commercial break history and that was because they are terrible. On purpose. On purpose. They are terrible. We've deleted other ones. Yes. Oh yeah, we've

deleted other ones but they never actually left. They never went out onto the RSS feed. So they never were out in the world. I've never de-published an episode for any other reason except the first three were really terrible. Right. And really not the commercial break in general. They were good, they were nice, they were okay, but you wouldn't want to listen to them. Maybe someday you'll pay to listen to them via my new NFT collection, TCB Dick pics. But I highly, I was so close to deleting this episode, so close to deleting Friday's episode. I haven't listened to it yet so Wow Christina comes in and

Did a lovely job great Phil and co-host Yes, she is but as always Brian writes something down quickly in his iPhone and decides to make a whole segment out of it only I never checked the actual facts So I go off on a tangent and I never actually check my facts. Man, did I really screw the pooch this time. And I mean I screwed the fucking pooch this time. Maybe we need to put the disclaimer back in. Fact news or fiction? Well we've got it on some new banners we're throwing out there because I think that might be right. Never believe

anything you hear on this show. And I don't think anybody does because I've already had 17 fucking text messages about this. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just say that. God, what is this? I go, hey Christina, you a Taylor Swift fan, you watching that NFL, that, you know, NFL with Taylor Swift, and she goes, nope, don't care a thing about it, right?

I like Taylor Swift, but don't care a thing about NFL. And I go, yeah, you know, I watch it sometimes, just trying to keep up with my brothers. But did you hear that? They're making these terrible images of Taylor Swift but don't care a thing about NFL. And I go, yeah, you know, I watch it sometimes, just trying to keep up with my brothers. But did you hear that? They're making these terrible images of Taylor Swift and setting them around on this AI porn site. They're putting Taylor's head on these porn images. And they're pretty graphic and some of them

are really disturbing. But anyway, that's a different story. And what I thought that I read was that the Kansas City Chiefs fans are mad because they believe that Taylor has a curse on them and that when they lose football games, it's because of Taylor Swift. And so what I said was apparently their ultra pissed off because the Kansas City Chiefs just lost a playoff game. And I went on and on about this for like 10 minutes. And in fact, the Kansas City Chiefs did not lose a playoff game.

They are now going to the Super Bowl. Yeah. Yes. I watched that game last night. When my brother told me, asked me, are you going to watch the playoff games this weekend? And I said, I don't ever get a chance to watch one of those games in full, but maybe I'll watch some of it. And he said, I go, who you rooting for?

You know, the Indianapolis Tigers. And he was like, dude, Kansas City Chiefs, Detroit Lions, San Francisco 49ers. I can't remember the other team that was in there. But he's like, you know, I really hope it's a 49ers Chiefs Super Bowl. It's gonna be great for everybody. And highly entertaining.

And I said, wait, didn't the Chiefs just lose last weekend? And he goes, what? No, they're playing great. And I go, they didn't lose? They're not out weekend? And he goes, what? No, they're playing great. And I go, they didn't lose? They're not out of the playoffs? Please tell me you're lying to me. And he goes, bro, they're playing great. They're gonna fucking win this game.

I just know it. And you know what? I turn on yesterday. There they are. And despite all of my hoping and wishing that the Kansas City Chiefs had been eliminated and my very astute sports, sports, you know, following brother was wrong.

Okay. He is not wrong. I was wrong. Of course I am. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the Kansas City Chiefs. I'm sorry to the Swifties. I'm sorry to everybody out there who listened to that episode, which isn't many, so it

doesn't really matter. But I just want to share with you that I am a dumb ass in all senses, in every sense. And I don't get on here and apologize very often because ignorance is bliss. And I like to just pretend I'm right no matter what. But this time it's hard to ignore because Taylor Swift and the Kansas City Chiefs are in fact going to the Super Bowl together as one, together as one. And, uh, I just can't believe that I said that. I don't know where I got it in my head that they lost.

You know what I think it was? I think I turned on one of the games and at that moment they were losing. And then I read about the Taylor Swift thing that Kansas City Chiefs fans were upset with Taylor Swift about whatever. And I put those two things together and in my head concluded that they in fact

had lost that game based on whatever, I don't know what my mind's eye is in fact me making shit up my fifth eye My peanut Brought from the mind of Brian's peanut It's peanut penny pasta from bryco Have Brian's dick for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. So I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. I'm saying this to all the people who texted and emailed. I'm really sorry. I just didn't know, because I don't know much about the NFL, if anything at all, apparently. And I just didn't understand that the Kansas City Chiefs had not in fact lost the game. And so I apologize and congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs.

To San Francisco 49ers. I looked that up. I wrote that down and make sure I got those names right. They're going to the Super Bowl. Uh, halftime show by who? Usher. Usher. Usher. Uh, uh Yeah. He's from Atlanta.

Yes he is. Yeah, I think he came up to scam coal FM one time actually. Usher did. I think I have a picture somewhere of me and him. That's exciting. And Taylor Swift is going. So another person asked me, what do you think about Taylor Swift

and being at the NFL? How much time the NFL spends on it? And I think we talked about this briefly. Listen, I gotta say this about Taylor Swift in general. And I don't know if you're gonna agree with me on this, but I'll say this. In a year where everything was so shitty, so terribly, terribly awful, and the world is coming apart at the seams, and there's war and famine and pestilence, basically it's the end of times. It's the end of days. Right. In a time at the end of times. It's the end of days. Right. In a time at the end of times, we had one good feel good story of the fucking year.

And that was Taylor Swift and how well she did in all facets of her business and maybe personal life because she got together with this guy, Kelce. Yes. Right? So I have to say, I ain't got no hate for Taylor Swift. No. I really don't. I say that it's not my favorite thing in the world, but it's a feel good story that if you just take it at face value It feels good and in a lot of other disturbing news you can always count on Taylor to give you a smile when it comes to

Whatever it is she does yes And that includes being at those NFL games As much as the chiefs fans might want to piss them off or they look like a cute couple the Kansas City chiefs have never been more popular and Who cares how you got there Taylor Swift? Travis Kelsey who cares how you got there you're having your moment in the sun And it's a feel-good story that everyone get behind and if they win the Super Bowl The world will go fucking bananas.

The world will go bananas, and you will no longer hate Taylor Swift. Until next season, when she breaks up with him, and then he's a big hot mess. Oh, I don't wanna see that. No, no, no, no, no. You hope that doesn't happen. Yes.

But there is a track record there. But I guess you know, there's always a track record. You have a track record of breaking, until you get married. That's right, until you find the one. Right. I got this friend, and's right. Until you find the one. Right. I got this friend and he was bitching about this other friend. So that dude goes to chicks like water

and I'm like, you go through chicks like water until you find the one. That's what happens. I mean, some go at a faster clip than others. Some are luckier than others. You know, I never, look at me. I think I went into very slow pace. I turn one every four years.

But this besides the point, you get it. I do. Yeah. You went through, I don't want to say you went through men like water, but you had your own... I did, yeah. ...fellows around? Yeah, exactly. I waited for the... You said no to Divergiacs?

I waited for the right one. You did? Mm-hmm. And along he came. He did. So now on the back of that, tell me about what it's like to be sick in a house with Giselle Dreyf. Oh, he's so sweet. What does he do?

What does he do? I got to learn some tips from him. What does he do? Yeah, well, he runs errands, you know, and he makes tea and does get the, you know, puts the honey in it and gets me medication. He got me all kinds of throat, laws and just, I mean, I was trying everything to try and get my voice back.

I'm like, I can't do the pot. I'm like, oh no, I was texting you about it. And I was like, just call me. I'm like, call me. Yeah, it was pretty bad. I'm like, I'm not gonna go through an hour and a half of that. There's just no way. I was telling Christina, I'm like,

I was like, we could do a whisper episode. Yeah. Here's one of Chrissy's bright ideas. She goes like ASMR, you know, yeah. We had to move back some of our like, we had a celebrity guest that was going to come in and on the show. We are both really excited about this particular person and they were supposed to be recorded last week, but for the first time ever, I had to cancel, I mean, for the first time ever, we've had like four guests, but okay, for the first time in four guests, we had to cancel because Chrissy was excited about this person too.

And I just didn't feel like I wanted to do it alone. I was even suggesting holding up signs. I know that's what I was saying. And I was like, exactly how are the people listening to the show going to know that it's a fucking vodka. I was trying to come at a positive angle of any of it, but in the end, yeah. I mean, this is the first time I've been out of the house

in like a week. Geez. Yeah. Yeah, that's correct. That's- That was sick. That'll make you loony toony. Yeah, we went through a period of that

when we all had COVID over the holidays. And it's no fun. Luckily, there were other people here besides the family to kind of like break up the monotony and play games and all That other stuff. I was telling Christina. I was like listen Chrissy went to go see her best friend in San Francisco, and I was sure when she called texting me on Monday I'm like, ah, she's hungover give her a day off and she'll be fine

And then I talked to you and I was like, oh no no way I'm making it through an hour and a half with that Fucking grand. Well, I was already sick. I mean, you know from the previous week, I was already feeling sick. And then flying out to California, I mean, it's a five and a half hour flight. I think that does it to you as a dry air. And that, well, the air was different, the pressure from the plane. I thought my ears were gonna explode when we landed.

It was painful. And then while we were out there, it was rainy and a little cold. And yeah, and I was just out there for you know 48 hours basically San Francisco was rainy and cold? We actually went to Sonoma, which is like an hour and a half. You went to Sonoma? Mm-hmm. You went to the wine country? I did. You guys take a tour of the wine facility?

No, we didn't we were just doing more of like it was more of a wellness, which didn't work out. What a great endorsement for Sonoma Now I specifically was like I've done wine vineyard tours before like I just end up getting too drunk and buying too many bottles of wine I agree with you. Yeah, let's skip that do some spa stuff I did go out and see the redwoods that are close to there. Gorgeous. Been there, done that. Gorgeous. Beautiful. So yeah, all of that was great. It's just when I got back, it was way worse. I had actually developed a sinus infection too, and it just was, it was...

It was pretty terrible. Like I talked to you on the phone and I knew within a second that we, there's no way we could do the show like that. So I quickly had to call in help and make sure that we got to come. You know, the crazy thing is like a little bit pulling the curtain back as we always do here on the show. There's nothing to hide here. Right. We don't have any listeners. So why would I hide anything from them? Our reality is when you do this many episodes, it is not only appropriate,

it is probably best to have multiple episodes in the can quote unquote So that you don't have to ride a rail all the time. You're not recording Wednesday for Thursday's episode So oftentimes what you're hearing is the product of something we did three days ago Or sometimes even a week ago if we're being really good and we have a lot of episodes in the can But for the last four months we have had to scramble so much that we have been riding the rail every single episode Sometimes what you're hearing is literally recorded less than 24 hours earlier, which is insane for a show like this Yeah, like this one tomorrow, maybe even today. I'm not sure what day it is. So just check your calendar So we had to scramble to find it, but what do you do when there's an emergency like this?

So I- I was human. I told Christina, I said, you better start cutting up best of, I know people hate that shit, but you better start cutting up best of, because everybody has had their turn having to take some time off the show, except for me. But you know that day is coming at some point.

At some point, I'm also gonna have to take some time off. I was so worried. I know, because remember I was texting you last night and you were like- I wasn't feeling good. Uh-uh, and I said, oh no, God. some time. I was so worried. I know, because remember I was texting you last night and you were like, I wasn't feeling good. Uh-uh. And I said, oh no, God. I just think I was worn out.

I just think, you know, you get to like the end of your rope. Yes. Like emotionally, spiritually, physically. I was just at the end of my rope. A lot of stuff going on. A lot of changes happening here at the show and off the show. A lot, the world is in kind of topsy-turvy right now.

And so I just think I got wore out. I think after like six of the last eight days being in the studio, I just felt... You needed a time out. Yeah, I needed a break. And I, you know, unfortunately, when I decided to put four episodes a week, I didn't think much about our vacation time,

much about our downtime. I know, I just got a flashback to when we first started the show, how we would ride the rail, as I was saying, and we were doing one. We were doing one episode. A week. And we were coming on a Monday to release on a Tuesday for whatever dumbass reason we were doing that. We could have recorded on Thursday for next Tuesday's release, but no, we came in on

Monday and did it on Tuesday. I think we're just better when we're procrastinating. You know what I'm saying? I think we produce better products. That can be true. There's a case for procrastination. Yeah, I was reading something about procrastinators or just people who feel deeply or something like that.

And I thought, oh yeah, that sounds like a good excuse for me. Exactly. I'm sorry, I can't come in today. I'm sorry to get that report to you. I'm feeling I can't come in today. I'm sorry to give that report to you. I'm feeling deeply today. Well, I'm glad you're feeling better. Me too, thank you. Okay, no, you can't have no more time off until 2026.

I know, I'm all out of PTO. Next time it's you and Christina doing the show. Do you hear what I'm saying? Yes. All right, okay, let's take a break and we'll come back. I got some more good stuff that I wanna share with you while you were gone. I got a couple of stories I should tell you. All right, Okay, hey, let's take a break and we'll come back. I got some more good stuff that I want to share with you while you were gone. I got a couple of stories I should tell you.

Nice. All right, we'll be back. Ugh, finally, I feel like I was waiting forever for my turn to talk. Now that I have you, go to tcbpodcast.com to find all of our audio and video content and follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCBpodcast.

Wanted to be your turn to talk? Call us and spill the tea at 626-ASK-TCB3, and you may hear your voice on the show. You can also text us your tea at 855-TCB-8383, and boy do we love to hear it. Anyway, take a listen to our sponsors and let's get back to the show. This episode is sponsored in part by Magic Spoon. Okay, if you've listened to any amount of the commercial break, then you know one of my disgusting food habits is to eat sugary cereals with cream late at night.

Well, the earth just turned one year older and I've decided to do away with the empty calories and added sugars. The good news for my bad cereal habit, I have Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon recreates all the flavors that we loved as children, without all the baggage that goes in our bellies. It has all the flavors you love, but it's high in protein and it has less sugar. Astrid and I just bought a variety pack that has four flavors, cocoa, fruity, frosted, and peanut butter. This pack has 0 grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and 4 to 5 grams of net carbs.

It's only 140 calories per serving. Its high protein has 0 grams of sugar, keto friendly, gluten free, grain free, and soy free. And I get the taste of my favorite cereal without all the guilt. Magic Spoon is returning to the commercial break as a sponsor, and we're so happy that they're offering you a discount. Go to magicspoon.com slash tcb to grab a variety pack and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code tcb at checkout to save $5 off your order.

And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it, for any reason, they'll refund your money. Absolutely no questions asked. Remember to start the near off right with a delicious bowl of high protein cereal at magicspoon.com slash tcb. Okay, so I have to the look forward to late night after I get out of the studio. Okay, so I have... We have a broken leg in the house, like children wise. So far we've had a broken leg. A broken leg? A broken leg right now, but way back when.

I didn't hear all that. I'm just sharing with you all of the emergency room stories that we have. When we have a few, right? They're mostly regarding sicknesses and not regarding broken bones, cut scrapes, bumps, bruises, stuff like that. But the other day, I was taking, Astrid was tired, end of the day. We do the whole routine, bath, food, bedtime. There's a routine around here. They're like dogs.

You gotta keep them in a routine. Unlike Blue, if you keep them in a routine, they seem to be calm and happy 60% of the time. Right, the other 40% you're running around. So Astrid is at the end of her rope. I've been in the studio all day. She just says to me, listen, I'm a little tired. Can I take a break for a second?

And that's kind of the language we have. She'll say, I'm at 20% and I'll say I'm at 80%. So I'll take it, I'll take them. And so she's like, listen. Teamwork. Yeah, teamwork. I'm at 30%, I need a break. Okay, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna throw all the kids in this giant shower

that we have, this ridiculously giant shower that we have for absolutely no reason that Brian demanded because he needed the world's biggest shower and now I don't use half of it. You know, I could have probably put two other bedrooms in this house If I would just want to cut down on the shower Fucking piece of shit. Anyway, so I say okay in our house The master bathroom has a door like every master bathroom should and you can look out of the shower

And you can see the bed, right? So Astrid's laying down in the bed and I grab all the chitlins and I say, okay, everybody disrobed, we're all going in the shower together and we're going to play, we're going to have a good time, we're going to give mommy a little break for about 30 minutes, right? Because that's about the average length of time. It takes me to shower myself, but that's also the average length of time that it takes me to wash 15 of my children spending two minutes a piece on the proper body parts Right, so I start you know plan playing we're all having fun listening to some music Okay, washing hair, you know washing bodies. All right

You just watch your this and when you wash your dad and everybody and the baby the smallest who's you know not very old She just turned a year old. She's learning how to crawl, walk, and stand up. And that shower has penny tile in it. And that penny tile, anytime it gets any substance on it, it's slippery. That's just the way that it is. So I keep telling the children, sit down. Make sure you sit down in the shower. I don't want you running around and playing and pushing and all that. Because if you fall, it's not gonna be pretty. You're gonna have damage to some part of your body. This is all very hard tiles.

Makes me nervous. I also have a chair, like a stone chair in there. Anyway. Don't ask me. I demanded the stone chair. This is in the corner that I never sit in. A stone chair. A stone chair.

It's not actually a stone chair. It's a tile. It like juts out from the corner and you can sit there. And I thought, oh yeah, this is going to be like sexy time. Brian and Astrid or Brian just wants to take a long shower and sit and watch his favorite television show. I have never not once used that thing for anything except for holding a bottle of shampoo.

That's it. That's so funny. Cause I got one of those for our shower too. Never use it, do you? Never once. I did when I first got it. I was like, okay. And then I was like, okay.

I'm like, this is the most ridiculous thing in the world. Who fucking sits on a chair like this? Well, if we had like an actual steam shower, I guess in my head I was thinking, I'll just turn the water on really hot and have like a steamy. Like a sauna. Like a sauna, but it's not the same.

No. I got 30 foot Like a sauna, but it's not the same. No. I got 30 foot ceilings, another ridiculous, another ridiculous design choice by Brian. The steam escape. Yeah, the steam escapes, you got that fart fan that's just sucking it up through the top. Anyway, so I'm washing all the, so stupid. Why did I put that thing in there?

I was just thinking the other day, I'm like, damn it, all I use that for is to keep stuff. That's it, that's all I do. But it is the most attractive thing in the world to the children. The children want to stand on it, jump off it, the whole night. Of course.

So I say everyone sit down. And I got these buckets. They're like puke buckets, you know what I'm talking about? But they're big buckets, they're like big. Like sandpale type things? No, like a rectangle squared, like a hospital pan. Do you know what it's? A bed pan?

I don't know, I don't know what you called them. I call them puke buckets, but they're not actually buckets. They're like big square, they're like Lexa pans, Lexa pros, those things you would use at restaurants. Lexa pros, isn't that a, that's a medication. Oh it is? I should stop giving my children that. I thought it was something, you hold something in.

Give your kids, get your Lexa pros. Lexapayin is what it's called. Those big square things that you would put tons of like, I don't know, in chilies. Yeah, chilies, it was like awesome blossoms. Yeah, but now we put puke in it. So I turn around to wash one of the kids' hairs and the baby is behind me and she's sitting there

and she's playing like drawing things, you know, her hands on the steam windows on the glass. Oh yeah, that's fine. And so I was like, oh, that's cute. Let me turn around and wash her hair. So I wash her hair and like, I don't know, I'm two seconds into washing the hair and I hear a thud, like a thud with a smack.

And I know instantaneously the baby's at the ground and I turn around and she's face down, hands up, like literally face into the tile. And I was like, oh shit. And when I say, oh shit, like anybody, if you've been around them for long enough, certain inflections denote how serious the oh shit is. And it must have been serious

because in two seconds Astrid's up, right? She's up and she's right there at the glass. And I'm like, it's okay, it's okay, she just fell. It's okay. And so I pick the baby up and as I pick the baby up, blood comes gushing out of her. And when I say gushing, I mean gushing out of her. It's in her eye.

It's all over her body. It's all over my body. It's all over the shower floor. The kids are screaming bloody murder because they think bloody murder has just happened. Yeah. Everybody's panicked, right? And so I'm like, oh shit,

Astrid is freaking out because Astrid doesn't like blood. It's not her thing, right? Like a lot of people. It's not her thing So I go, you know quick tile paper tile something You know Astrid throws me a towel and I put it on the the baby's head for a second And I'm trying to wash some of the blood out of her eye. She's screaming bloody murder. She does not want me to put anything on that wound. And I take my hand off

and the fucking waterfall just starts again. It's not going anywhere. The cut is deep, it's long, but I can't really see it because there's so much blood coming out of her head. And the water probably is still going. The water's still going, but she's now out of the water. So then I run her out of the shower

and I run to the kitchen so that I can grab some paper towels that I can wet and hopefully stop the bleeding, right? Astrid's following behind me and she's like, call 911. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, don't call 911. Call the doctor's office and ask them, can we come in? Well, the doctor office just closed. It's like five minutes after they closed. And so Astrid's like, call 911, who's doctor?

And I'm like, your doctor, babe, call the doctor, the doctor that takes care of the children. And she's like 911. And I'm like, hey, babe, okay, just take a break. It's okay, I got it, right? And I'm dabbing the kid's head and I'm trying to get this. And as soon as I can get the bleeding to slow enough, I take my hand off of it, and I can see what I think, what I imagine to be.

Oh, no. That's what I imagine it to be. It's white. It's underneath the cut, and I can't imagine... It's our skull! I can't imagine... He's got penny tiles stuck in her head, right? Or maybe she does, I don't know.

Yeah, I know it's that leather layer of the skin. It's a very thin layer. It in her head, right? Or maybe she does, I don't know. Yeah, I know it's that leather layer of their skin. It's a very thin layer, it's right there, right? That's it, you cut it, there's skull right there. So I'm like, oh, shit. But it wasn't skull. It was skull. It was skull? I think it was skull, right here.

She got it cut right here, right on her head. Okay, because there's another that's like a white layer that's underneath your skin. There's a white layer? Yeah, I remember one time I fell when I was young and I saw the white layer scraped my hand going all the way down the dry road. Was that like tendon?

Yeah. It's like another part. It's deep layer. Okay. Like feel your head right here. Yeah. That's just skull right there. Right. I think it's skin and skull. Anyway. I don't know what I, could have been skull. I imagined it was. And that's all I needed to convince myself that emergency room visit was imminent here

So I'm running through the house. I'm naked. She's naked blood everywhere, right? So blood's just pouring all over the both of us and I'm like, oh shit so I am going to hand the baby to Astrid and I look at Astrid as I'm like going to hand her the baby so that I can get dressed to get to the emergency room and Astrid has zero coloring in her face zero Astrid has something called syncope

Syncope is a propensity to faint when I think when adrenaline hits the body or something along those lines, right? It's a propensity to faint and some nurse told me that sometimes syncope is brought on by adrenaline. In other words, instead of the blood rushing to your head, the blood rushes from your head. It goes in the opposite direction for whatever reason. So I'm like, okay, Astrid's like, I'm gonna throw up, I'm gonna throw up, I'm gonna throw up.

I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You go lay down. Someone bring the puke bucket. So now I've got 32 children in the shower, all screaming because they have no idea what just happened. I've got this one screaming in my arms, she's full of blood everywhere. There's blood everywhere.

And now poor Astrid is not feeling well. So I'm like, okay, you go lay down for a second. And she only needed to lay down for a second. And then she went, got the children out of the shower. But I had to get this kid dressed. I had to get her dressed while the blood was pouring out of her. But I had to get this kid dressed. I had to get her dressed while the blood was pouring out of her head. I had to get myself dressed while the blood

is pouring out of her head. And so finally what I did was I took a wet paper towel. I put a little bit of it under there and then I put a bandage as tight as I could get the bandage. I'm like, we'll deal with ripping it off later. Like an adult sticky, icky, sticky, sticky, double sticky kind of bandage. The kind is never gonna come off

unless you have some kind of special solution that takes those things off. You know what I'm saying? I've put those things on my, yeah, the kind that can be on your body for like 12 days. And then it leaves like some kind of skin rash under it. I wanted that skin rash. I just wanted it to stick because I knew one thing.

If I couldn't get it to stop bleeding, I couldn't then put her in a chair and drive her 20 minutes to the emergency room because then I'm just letting my child bleed out in the back of the car. Like, I can't do that. Right, God, this is crazy. So, then the whole family's gonna have to get in the car, and we're all gonna have to go, or the neighbor's gonna have to come over, or something.

Very chaotic. It's very chaotic. I can only imagine. But I'm like, okay, take a deep breath. There's two things to do here. First, make sure Astrid's okay. If she's okay, then the kids can stay here with her. Number two is get the baby to the emergency room with the blood stopped. So I managed to get the blood stopped long enough. Now you could tell

it's like instantaneously soaking through that thing, but it's not pouring into her eye. Poor girl had blood all in her eye, dry blood up in her, up in her eyelid, like just everywhere. It was just everywhere. Chrissy, it was a hot, bloody mess. So I get her into the car. By the time I get her into the car, she's starting to settle down a little bit. I also know that when a baby's screaming after they hit their head,

that means it's unlikely there's very bad neurological damage because they're screaming. They feel pain and they can use their lungs and their voice, right? So I'm like, okay, we got a couple things going first in this situation, but now I'm worried she has a concussion. I know at the very least she's gonna need stitches.

At the very least she needs it. So we're driving over there and I'm talking to her because I want her to talk to me, right? I'm like, okay, talk to me. I'm like, hey, how's that boo boo back there? Swear on all this holy, swear on all that holy. This is her response. Ow, ow, ow. She's trying to rip the band-aid off. She's like, Ow! Never

heard her say these words in my entire life. She's, she has four words in her vocabulary. Mama da da, pee pee poo poo. Right? And now, ow. And now, ow! So I'm like, wow, this kid's really smart. She's back there. She's, she heard us say, ow, when we heard ourselves and now she's saying, ow, because it hurts, she hurts herself. Yeah. Get her to the emergency room. Walk up to the counter. You know, oh, when we hurt ourselves, and now she's saying, Ow, because she hurts herself. Yeah. Get her to the emergency room. Walk up to the counter. You know, oh, how can I help you? Yeah, I got a kid.

She's got a big wound on her head, and I think she's going to need stitches. Okay, sir, are you in a safe home? And I'm like, oh, here we go. Yeah. Yep. They're going to, I'm child abuse charges. I'm going to jail. That's it.

I'm going to jail. They treat you like you're some kind of criminal. I know they to jail. That's it. I'm going to jail. They treat you like you're some kind of criminal. I know they have to, I get it. I totally understand. They have to check everything. They want to make sure that the children are safe. Good for them, good on them. But when you're on the opposite end of the question,

it doesn't feel very good. I just need my daughter to have some stitches. So we get back to the triage room. They ripped that band-aid off. Blood starts gushing out instantaneously again. And they're like, oh yeah, she's definitely going to need stitches. So here's what we're back to the triage room. They ripped that band-aid off, blood starts gushing out instantaneously again, and they're like, oh yeah, she's definitely gonna need stitches. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna put some goopy gop on there.

That goopy gop is gonna make her entire forehead not feel anything, right? But it takes 40 minutes for this to reach peak effect. To kick in. So unfortunately, we're gonna have to slather this all over her, put this loose bandaging on her, and then you're gonna have to go out and wait for 40 minutes. Oh! Oh! Chris! Oh, God.

It's past bed time. Like go back into the waiting room? I had to go back into the waiting room. Now luckily they have a well and a sick waiting room, and in the well room, there was no one, so it was just us. Okay. So, but now, you know, she's crawling all over the fucking hospital floor. How much more disgusting could you possibly get? Honestly.

So, I'm trying to keep her off the floor, so I'm holding her on playing games, we're flying, you know, Mickey's on the TV. Look, it's Mickey. After a while, she's having none of it because it's past her bedtime. She's got this big gaping wound on her head. Now her entire forehead is numb. And, and, and she needs to eat, right? Oh, God, I forgot about that. I know. So I'm like, oh, shit. So I leave her on the floor for a second so that I can start texting Astrid to see where the food is. Like I have this bag, like a Go Bag.

Go Bag just sits at the front door, right? It's just go with the baby and you take the bag and it has some things in it. That's good preparedness. I know, but I don't know if it has food in it or not. I'm sure it does, but I don't know. So I'm just texting Astrid, give her an update, and I look over and the baby has

Unzipped the front of the bag. She has found the bottle that has no formula in it. She's taking she takes it out and she goes dad Da-Baba She's handing it to me. She's like dad. Da-Baba. I'm like whoa. Holy shit This kid is gonna be trouble Trouble very smart Make her a bottle. Rocking her back and forth. Now she's starting to fall asleep and they call us back. I'm like, okay, here we go. This is gonna be a fucking nightmare upon nightmares. They're gonna have to take this one inch long, five millimeter in diameter needle, stick it through her head and start

stitching her up. She's never gonna sit still and I don't care how much numbing cream they put on you. It's right above her eye. She's going to see them putting this needle in her and she's going to feel this. There's no way that I'm gonna be able to hold this child down while this happens. No way. I know this child. It's not gonna happen. So I get back there. Another fucking 30 minutes passes by. Finally the doctor comes in. By the way, they're all wonderful. They're just busy, right? Yes. So doctor comes in and she goes, okay, I haven't seen this, but the girls told me about it, the nurses told me about it. I haven't seen this yet, but I'm gonna wait a second

to take that off. There's two ways we can do this. Number one is if I put one stitch in the head and you think you can hold her down, we have some like straight jacket straps. We'll wrap her in a warm blanket and then we'll put these straight jacket straps from the bed from underneath the bed and we'll tie her down essentially. But you're gonna have to hold her head still right while we

do this because you're her father she'll know you best I want you to hold her head still and I'm like oh okay. I barely know the child I'm in the studio 70 days a week I don't know the kid. Let me call the studio 70 days a week. I don't know the kid. Let me call the mom real quick. Let me call our preschool teacher. She sees her one time a week. I think she knows her better than I do. And she goes, but there's the other option.

If I have to put more than one stitch in there, we have something called Versed. And Versed, imagine it like a baby Xanax or a baby bottle of wine. It's gonna make her like drunk. And it's sedated, but in a drunkey kind of way, right? Like high, essentially. It's gonna make her high.

And I was like, okay, and what's the catch here? She goes, well, there really is no catch. Some parents like it, some parents don't. It's like, you know, some parents like, get a lot of kids to have sugar and some kids don't. And she goes, so it's really up to you. But if you don't think you can hold her still and we'll count how many stitches we need,

if you don't think you can hold her still, I would, you know, I would recommend it, but that's completely up to you. We'll monitor, but just know that this effect is gonna last for four to six hours. So you cannot let her go. She cannot crawl, she cannot walk, she cannot stand up on her own. She cannot crawl, she cannot walk, she cannot

stand up on her own. She's got to go right to bed essentially. And I'm like, well, that's no problem. It's fucking 10 o'clock at night. She's going to go right to bed anyway. So being the responsible father that I am, I say, listen, give her two doses of air said, one for her, one for me. Let's go for it. I don't care, of course. I'm going gonna Uber. Yeah, let the kid be comfortable. I don't care. Like, why would I torture my child if I don't have to?

Right, even a straight jacket. So they have to give her verset up her nose. They give it up your nose and then they put this strawberry, like basically strawberry sugar in her mouth to get rid of the chlorine taste of the verset. Okay. So she says, listen, it's going to take about 10 minutes. Oh, so she rips the Band-Aid off.

She says, oh yeah, three or four stitches at least. We're going to have, I'm sorry, and these are big boy stitches. I can't put these butterfly straps on. I got to actually stitch her up, right? And I was like, oh, okay. She's like, that's a pretty good wound right there. I said, okay, definitely the Versailles. So they give her the Versailles.

It's going to take about 10 minutes to reach peak effect, and then we'll be back in sometime between 15 and 20 minutes to start the procedure we'll strap her down and hopefully she'll be okay. Chrissy, when I say this kid was drunk I mean this kid was drunk. One eye was rolling in the back of her head, the other eye was like swerving around the room and she thought everything, everything was funny. My face that's good. Everything was funny. My face was funny, Mickey on the TV was funny, the oxygen mask was funny, the doctors were funny, the nurses were funny, everybody was funny.

She was laughing the entire time I video of this. I swear to God, she was the cutest thing in the world. A little bit disturbing because I'm like, oh, she got to taste early. She got to taste early. I didn't get my first taste though, I was 15. She got another year old. I'm like, okay, she got to taste early. She got to taste early. I didn't get my first taste though, I was 15. She got into the year old. I'm like, okay, all right, well, listen. They got to start sometime, I guess.

This kid was wasted. So they strap her down. No problem. She's like... She's the cutest thing I swear to God. Hold on one second. At least she's laughing. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Okay now they're gonna take this one inch long, 30 feet in diameter needle and they're gonna stick it in your eyeball. Ha ha ha ha. Beep beep boop boop.

Ha ha ha. Doctor comes back in, they strap her in, no problem. And then the doctor starts stitching her up and the doctor's like, okay, this first one, she's gonna feel it, she's gonna feel a little bit. Like I know her head is numb, because I can see that, like it's weird because it causes this white splotch on her head.

Oh, okay. And that means that the blood is gone and the nerves are not as active or whatever. She's like, that's how we can tell it's working. So they start stitching her up, Chrissy. Ha ha ha ha, I like the beauties. I'm like, oh man, this is incredible. This is incredible.

Where's this wonder drug when I need it on an airplane or a long car ride or blue or something? Where is this magical drug? Ver said, someone sends him to the studio. So they stitch her up, everything's fine, she's great, she laughs at the entire thing and I'm like lovely. Doctor says great, she did great, you know they'll dissolve in two weeks or whatever, you know nice to meet you, blah, blah, blah. Nurse is gonna stay with you, take one last vital sign, then you're gonna go oh and I need her to

drink at least a little bit of juice before she goes. I want to make sure she can swallow without throwing it back up and I also want to make sure that the sugar will give her a little pep just to kind of bring her a little bit more too. So she's not so drunky, drunky, right? That's okay. She's never had juice before, but okay, bring her whatever, an apple juice. So they come in, they bring the crappy Sam's apple juice or whatever they have, right? And I poke the straw in there. You poke the little straw at the top and she sucks it. She's just learning how to suck on the straw. She sucks it figured managed to figure it out and she drinks this thing in 30 point two seconds flat It's like she it was like something came to her in a dream like she had a godlike experience

Not only was she drunk, but she speedballed it. You know what I'm saying? She's got the heroin and then she got the cocaine right after it. She was in heaven so she sucks it down and she's playing with the box and I'm like, okay. All right. Good job great Yeah, you know throwing up now. Did you swallow it? Just fine. Everything's good I take the box out of her hand and I throw it into the little trash container and She screams Bloody fucking murder fucking murder. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH one-year shots she fell she lost a bunch of blood she got four stitches in her head she's got very said she's drunk as a skunk and the one thing that bothered her the entire day the one thing that bothered her the entire day is I took

her sugary shitty juice away from her she wanted more if this isn't proof that sugar is crack I don't know what is I've never seen a more addictive I've never seen a more clear and concise argument for sugar is terrible for you than my one-year-old child Who absolutely went apeshit when I took her fucking box away? It was hard to believe Hard to believe. Well, yeah, she knows what she wants Yeah, yeah, yeah crack She wants to get high

But you already do this due to the other 30 kids that you have and the most recent Halloween. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Still. Candy. Candy. Candy. That's all they ask for is candy.

That's the only thing that they ask for. They want candy. Every time they pass a vending machine, candy, candy, candy. But this is like such a black and white example of that. She had never had a sugary juice in her life never had anything except for water I mean and food like actual, you know vegetables or whatever I'm not there for dinner time. I'm here in the studio recording my 30th episodes. I don't know but Chrissy

If you and Jeff decide to be like Madonna and a top a bunch of small children from around the world Just remember that once you give them that taste of sugar, they're never going back. No, I'm not going to have any more children because my jizzle drizzle has been cut off. Oh, Jeff's has too. Yes. If we ever decide to adopt small children from a, you know, a third world country, I'm going to tell you right now, we're not giving them sugar.

If I can go back and do it all over again. It's so hard to avoid though, you know, not having any at all. Well, no, this is true, you're right about that. But, you know, especially in the United States of America where everything is sugar. And every party has sugar and everything has cake. It's so crappy.

But then you go into a hospital, you know, a facility, emergency room facility, and you would think that they would know better than to give that crappy, shitty, sugary juice. But I guess that was kind of the point was to wake her up and man, did she wake up. She woke up and she got pissed. Just pissed the whole car right out.

The lady was like, oh, I can give her another juice. And I'm thinking to myself, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't give her another, yes, bring any other juice, please. But I didn't open it, I just let her hold it. And she was trying her, I took the straw out of that little plastic wrapper that's probably going straight into some fish's gullet that I'm gonna be fed next week

and fucking, you know, $30 a plate at some fine dining fish restaurant here in Atlanta. And she was trying her damnedest to poke that, to get into it, man. She wasn't, she hadn't been so drunk. I think she would have gotten it. She would have done it. Cause she's a smart one.

Oh my God, I'm glad she's okay. All right, we'll be back. Take our second break here and we'll be back. Ugh, finally, I feel like I was waiting forever for my turn to talk. Now that I have you, go to tcbpodcast.com to find all of our audio and video content and follow us on Instagram, at the commercial break, and on TikTok, at TCBpodcast. Wanted to be your turn to talk? Call us and spill the tea at 626-ASK-TCB3, and you may hear your voice on the show.

You can also text us your tea at 855-TCB-8383, and boy do we love to hear it. Anyway, take a listen to our sponsors and let's get back to the show. I'm gonna set this fucking studio on fire while you're here. How does this like a chain reaction? I know, I hit the pencil, the pencil went into the cup, the cup came falling. It came falling down. Oh my god.

I was, you know, my brother has also been dealing with some medical issues. Yes. And so he was over there and I took him, you know, around town doing all this other stuff. And he was saying to me, I was sharing with him that I was just a little bit stressed out over a lot of the stuff that's been going on. Sure. You listen to one of those nibble nabs, dude, the nibbity nabbities, the little gummity dibby. You know, take some THC basically. Right. He's telling me to get wasted speaking I got me hi

Yeah, I saw me take a gum he's like take a gummy before you go to bed It'll relax you you'll be able to sleep through the night You know blah blah blah and I share with him that you know At one point not in this state in the different state that I lived in at one time very recently I Had a gummy I remember that yes very recently. I had a gummy. I remember that. Yes. I had a gummy. I had gummies. I had two different kinds. I had the CBD gummies, right? And then I had the THC gummies. I had both of them somewhere locked away in this other state that I was living in where it's legal. And I

mixed them up one night. I accidentally mixed them up. And the one that I ate ended up being the THC one and it was very potent. It was like 50. Yeah, you never know. Your body metabolizes them differently. Everybody's a little different. And it can metabolize it different from day to day. And you don't know that that one drop of THC

that's 50 milligrams or micrograms, whatever it is, didn't go to this corner of the gummy and not that corner of the gummy. So you're like, you could, it's basically rolling the dice every time. I took a relatively small amount, but my body, I would say is THC naive very much now at this point in my life, right? And so I didn't think much of it until I woke up about three in the morning that I went right to sleep. I didn't feel high, none of it. Until I woke up in the middle of the night having an absolute terror panic attack. Like just like freaked out about everything.

And I did not know why, but it lasted for like four hours. I never got back to sleep that night. And I went into the day foggy and hazy and it was just a terrible experience. And it wasn't until I had realized what I had done that I realized what happened was I just got super fucking high. And it caused me to get very, I guess paranoid and anxious.

I was sleeping and I don't know, maybe I had a bad dream and it just kind of kicked off this chain event in my brain. But man, are these Dippity Debs, are they really fucking potent these days or what? Well, there's different strengths that you can get. But I mean, just like in general, the weed there's different strengths that you can get. But I mean just like in general the weed that can be. Yes. The weed that is available to the general public these days has got to be, and I'm sure there's studies on this, and this is again a fact that I'm making up in my head, but it's got to be more than 50 times stronger than what we used to smoke.

This dirt weed that we used to smoke. Oh yeah. I mean, when I say dirt weed I mean dirt weed go outside stems and seeds all of it didn't matter You try and not smoke the stems and seeds, but then when you got to the bottom of the bed I smoke the stems and seeds there's got to be some THC in there right cares throw in the bowl. Let's poke it up Because you'd be talking all night and all day and you'd never leave, you know I don't know the first floor, but now you'd get nib on the corner and for seven hours, I'm like a child in the fetal position in my own bed. My child taking care of me. It's, I'm like a mumbling, stumbling idiot.

Yeah. You need to get the ones that are the like the lowest strength. Um, those are good. Yeah. You wish you would have told me that. Bill from there. Five weeks ago. Well, plus somebody that gives them to you

may have higher tolerance. Well, that's what clearly I realized. Yeah, the person who gave it to me is not naive about anything having to do with THC. But I mean, when I say shitty shit weed, you could go outside and grab a handful of topsoil and it probably has more THC than the shit that we were smoking back when we were kids. It was nasty ass, but you could smoke it all day and all night. That was the great thing

about it and just give you a little bit of a buzz. Just a little buzz. They're like drinking two beers. A little bit of a buzz. Yeah. Now I go to California to visit. I go out to LA and wherever I'm going, where it's legal. Colorado. Colorado, these fucking kids, I say kids and adults, they're all whacked out of their fucking gourds because the THC levels are incredible in these. If we had to take a guess, we'd say that the THC levels

back when we were smoking was like 3% to 5% THC, right? Now, some of these companies are making these gummies and these edibles and growing marijuana that's got 25% THC in it, on average, which is an incredible amount of THC. It's crazy. That's why you gotta talk to your bud tinder. Oh man, I'm out of time.

I'm out of time. What's up brother, how you doing? We went out to Colorado, we went to one of those places and Jeff was like, I can't even believe that this is a doing? We went out to Colorado. We went to one of those places and Jeff was like, I can't even believe that this is a job. It's a job man. I would have never thought growing up that this would have been an option

for me to go down this path because I would have gone. Well, yeah, you go in and you fill out the application and seven days later, here I am. So what kind of weed are you looking for? Cause you know there's like lots of stuff that does some stuff to you. So just give me like what's your, give me your mental and emotional physical state.

Tell me, Chris, give me the rundown. Yeah, there's all kinds of different ones to make you sleep. You know I'm asking you what you're, what are you looking to cure? What is your, what ails you right now? Oh, let's say sleep. Oh yeah, we got the purples and herples

and the Smurphy burpees. And though both of those are an Indica-Kush hybrid where Indica and some other stuff is mixed in there. CBD 5% THC 48%. Now what you're gonna wanna do if you're like me is, you know, I can't tell you what to do with it, but I can suggest, you know, what you do with it is what you do is in the morning, when you wake up, you take three eyedroppers full and you just throw it down your gullet

And then you switch that down with some coffee You're gonna feel pretty bad for the first seven to twelve hours, but after that you're gonna mellow out right into a good night's sleep I'm telling you it's really good Don't try and have sex on it because you likely aren't gonna feel any appendages in your body But you know, and I understand you got a delicate flower down there. So if you do want some stuff to get your vagina high, I do have, uh, KYTHC jelly, which is just, it's just radical, man. It really enlightens, brightens up that whole flower down there.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And if you need some anal stuff, I've got that too. I've got this magic wand, you put it in your ass and it delivers a strong hit of 72% THC directly to your colon.

It really is everything. Yeah, I got these foot creams, man. They get me so high. I got these foot creams, you're awesome. They're 172% THC by volume and you put it on your foot and pretty soon you can't feel your eyes. It's kind of a weird feeling, but you'll get used to it. Now, what I do recommend is waiting 15 minutes to drive. It's kind of like swimming. You can't swim after 30 minutes of...

After you... After you ate? Yeah, that's right. You should wait 30 minutes to drive after you take this particular gummy. And it makes sure that you don't get any kind of car accident. Oh, and by the way, I gotta put this in the lock box on your way out the door. You're not allowed to show it to anybody until you get home.

No one gives a shit about marijuana anymore. No one gives a shit. I drive around these streets of Atlanta. Oh, and it's just permeates from every... The airport everywhere, everywhere. I'm at McDonald's. I always noticed if we get delivery, like a food delivery or something. Yeah, the fucking eggs smell like weed and you're like, what the fuck? Why do my eggs smell like weed? They come to the door.

I'm like, oh, okay. I know. It is, let me be clear. It is legal here. I think you get a ticket if you have anything less than an ounce for personal use. You just get a ticket in the city of Atlanta, not in all counties, but in the city of Atlanta proper, they decriminalized marijuana, it's to some degree. So you get basically a parking ticket, it's like $150 fine, you can pay it online, whatever.

It's not a big deal. But it would appear that we have legalized marijuana in this city because there is no place that you can go anywhere ever. And this is the one thing that I don't like about the kind of the decriminalization of marijuana, which I 1,000% agree with by the way. What I don't care for is clearly everybody on 285 on any given Sunday is smoking marijuana because I opened my window to get a little fresh air and all I get is second-hand Marijuana smoke while I'm driving down the road. It is everywhere. It's crazy

It's like wow I was at the Kroger yesterday, which is a shopping center. Yeah shopping You know grocery store here in the southeast and other places and I park and then a dude parks right next to me. Dude's driving a really nice BMW, gets out, it's Sunday, gets out, he's got a Sunday best on, right? But whatever it is, master's shirt, sunglasses, the whole nine yards. This dude came from the right side of the tracks, right?

So I go into the store, I come back out, dude is still sitting in his car. He had gotten out and then he had never made it to the store, I come back out, dude is still sitting in his car. He had gotten out and then he had never made it to the store that I know of because he was right in front of me and then he turned around and then he's gone. So I assumed he went back to his car. I go back to my car, he's still in his car. And he is vaping and he's blowing like smoke rings inside his tinted out windows. Like that.

But he's got the window cracked just a little bit. Chrissy, it smelled like I was standing next to a bud tender. I was like, holy shit, dude, you are just smoking and smoking and smoking away, not two fucks in the world. When I started smoking marijuana, and I know that the good old days is the lowest form of conversation,

but I'm just sharing this with you. When I started smoking marijuana, and I'm sure that Chrissy started smoking sometime around there too, or had her experiences sometime around there. Smoking in a car was the most dangerous thing that you could possibly do, because surely the police had a helicopter and they were looking for you. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you were so paranoid about ever being out in public, even if you were just high out in public,

you would think that everybody knew you were high and they were gonna call the police and you were gonna get busted for the fucking gram of shitty dirtweed you had in your little Ziploc bag or whatever. We were all so highly and keenly aware of our surroundings and what we were doing and when we were doing it, how we were doing it,

because we didn't want to get busted. That was the last thing that anybody wanted. And it was so illegal. We felt so guilty about it. We would not smoke it anywhere except for a basement, maybe out in the woods, three o'clock in the morning next to a house, you know. Your friend's older brother's apartment.

That's right, something like that. That guy who wants to sleep with you, that older guy that wants to sleep with you, that older guy that wants to sleep with you, that works at the restaurant, and he says come watch some UFC videos with me. Yes, that's when you would go smoke weed. You wouldn't smoke weed out in the Kroger parking lot on a Sunday afternoon with the windows rolled down. That would be a dumbass thing to do. Now, it hasn't gotten much more legal here, and in this where I live, in this county,

it is still 100% illegal to do any of that. But this guy don't give two shits. You want to know why? Because no one else gives two shits. No one's gonna take that guy to jail. They don't care. He needed to build up his appetite too, to go in and get his grocery.

Man, I had an appetite. I didn't make it home. The croaker's five minutes away to make it home without eating two fucking donuts that I had just bought because I was high because the THC level in his weed is so high that everyone else around him gets high. Here's why I bring this all up. I bring this all up because I read

an interesting story this morning. I wanna share it with you. Girlfriend who stabbed a boyfriend 108 times in marijuana induced episode smoked a strain that had more than 30% THC in it. 30%?! Oh wow. Lawyers for a California woman who avoided prison time after fatally stabbing her boyfriend 108 times in a marijuana inducedinduced psychotic episode have revealed that she consumed a strain of the drug with a level of THC more than 30% significantly

higher than the average dose. She got off with this murder, by the way. The defense of cannabis-induced psychosis was based primarily on the testimony of both renowned psychiatrist William Wershing and prosecution expert Chris Mohadine. The strain had a warning label indicating it was for high tolerance users only since its THC content was above the average of between 18 and 24 percent, which in and of itself is a lot of fucking TCC. The defense presented in court was not a con job as some had described. In a state of unconsciousness, this woman also stabbed her dog and then herself repeatedly after deputies were called to her apartment.

Wershing and Mohaddin were among four experts whose work was cited in the trial who said that this woman's violence was unpredictable and unforeseeable. She had only smoked weed less than half T.H.T. in it. So, Chris, I present to you the idea of the century. We are going to rob a Las Vegas casino Oceans 11 style high on some dibbity dabs that I've got in my house somewhere in the other state I don't think we get past the buffet bar. I don't think you Look at the lights

Lobster tails with butter. Ice cream sundaes. We can smoke cigarettes in here. It's like a Parisian street. Right in America. I know, we'd be on the gondolas taking a ride. The getaway driver would be like, walkie talking, guys, guys, are you there?

Cool, man, cool We're gonna be like a couple more minutes. Okay Yeah, I don't think we did anything yet. So We're just talking it over We're reviewing the plan one more time. Listen, we're gonna stop by the steakhouse and get ourselves some meals. I'm being arrested. Oh man, that sucks. Do me a favor, don't tell them you're with us, okay? We're enjoying ourselves in here.

After consideration, we were gonna take money, now we're just gonna give it back to them. Is that cool with you? Yeah, we wouldn't be able to get through that. No! Two of us. Two of us, Nudnicks. What would we do? Sober as a goat, we couldn't get away with that.

No. I was good in the movies though. Man does it. What was that? Ocean's 9, Ocean's 10, Ocean's 11. 12 and a half. Yeah, 12 and a half, 13. I don't know how many of them there were.

It seemed like there were seven of them, but I think there were three. But that first one was pretty brilliantly done. It was. Pretty brilliantly done. And that Brad Pitt, he's also a THC user. Yeah. That Brad Pitt. Mm-hmm. Most of them are. Yeah. He had a drinking problem for a while. I think he sobered up. I guess they're, you know, you're always hearing stuff. Well, they owned like this whole vineyard out in France. Yeah, that's bad for an alcoholic to own a vineyard. Yeah, I think so. But aren't him and Angelina are now divorced? Yeah, it's a bad nasty divorce. Well, I think the word was is that he was like drunk on a plane one time and hit one of the kids or got violent with one of the kids and then I read an article where he said like, you know, alcohol was a demon and he had to like purge it from his life.

But if you own a vineyard, I mean, yeah,'d be like yeah, that'd be like me owning a cow Or I could just get cream and cereal right from it You know what I'm saying? It's not gonna take me further away from the problem. It's just gonna bring me closer to it. That's right We'll call it what? Ocean's 21. Ocean's 33. Yeah. Ocean's 33 paid. Ocean's 420.

That's right. Look into my peanut. Look into my twirly, swirly peanut. Oh my gosh. All right. Hey, it's so good to have you back, my friend. It's so good to be you back, my friend. It's so good to be back and to be here.

I miss you. Yeah, I miss you too. Yeah. I did. I missed you. I just, I love how Tina and Christina and Astrid, everybody, how they all step in and help. But it's, you know, it's never quite the same. No.

It's never quite the same. Well, I do appreciate their help. Yeah. And hey, I want to thank everybody who's been calling and writing in. Everybody's been so nice. They've all been very supportive, wondering what's going on with Chrissy. I think they legitimately think you're leaving the show and you're just doing it slowly. Yeah, they're like, well, if it's just Brian, I'm out. Yeah. But thank you for calling and writing in. We love you. We love you. We love you If you've left a voicemail over the last six months, I promise I will get to it

I was explaining that the phone system that we use had multiple different inboxes and I didn't realize that I was checking One of the four inboxes that we had What was the newsletter thing that we had? Oh You were checking the wrong what was it, the newsletter thing that we had? Oh, the. That you were checking the wrong email. Oh yeah, the break room. Break room. Yeah, but back then there were only like one person responded to us.

Now we have 11 people that left a voicemail. No, there's like 72 voicemails. Really? I swear to God they're rich. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I started to go through them last night and I was like, you know what?

I'll get to it tomorrow. I get it in chunks. Yeah, I do. I do have to take it in chunks. Some people think they're really funny and some people are, by the way. Okay. I'd like you to do me a favor. Go to TCBpodcast.com.

That's where you find out more information about the show. You can listen to all the audio, watch all the video right there from one location, TCBpodcast.com. If you want your free one inch by one inch piggy fronting sticker, stamp size piggy fronting sticker, do us a favor, go to the drop down menu on the contact us button, give us your physical address, we'll send it off. 626, ask TCB the number three,

626, ask TCB the number three, questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, youtube.com slash the commercial brand. All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so. I love you. And I love you. And best to you, my friend.

Best to you. We're saying goodbye. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say. Good bye. Good bye. Music EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE