The Commercial Break - Best Of: Critter Crazy

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

While Bryan & Krissy take some time off, Producer Christina defends the possums and pet psychics of yore! Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Gambling problem? For free assistance, call the Connects Ontario Helpline at 1-866-531-2600. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain? Lord of the Rings.

Yeah. On this episode of The Commercial Break. Hi podcast universe, it's Christina. If you've never heard my voice before, I am the producer of The Commercial Break, and sometimes when Brian and Chrissy are slacking off, they ask me to jump in and guide you through the tumultuous days without them. So let's get to it. We need to talk about possums.

If you're new to TCB, you're probably thinking, what the hell? Why do we need to talk about possums? Is this a podcast about possums? What is this bitch on? But here's the thing. Possums have somehow become a deep part of our lore, so I thought I'd catch you up to speed on just exactly how we got here. So here's Brian and Chrissy talking about possums.

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Opossum to my Opossum. Kristin Joy Oldley. Best to you, Chrissy. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Yes, yes, yes, they're aliens. And we know there's been a long, deep divide amongst the commercial break listeners right

now about Opossum or Opossum. Or just possum. Yeah, or just possum. Or whether or not we even have possums on this earth. I wanna settle everybody down. I'm not looking to divide the country any more than it's already divided. We got enough troubles to worry about.

We're not gonna go ape shit over possums. But I do wanna thank one of our listeners, Caitlin is a great listener, been listening for a long time, communicates with us frequently. She found the episode where we are talking about possums. And I've got that tape to roll. And it wasn't too long ago either. No, it was less than a month ago. It was a month and a couple days ago. We talk so much on this show that we don't remember. I don't remember that just a month ago, we had had this whole conversation

about possums. I thought for sure it was years ago. I was like, oh, she must have gone deep in the catalog and found me saying something about possums that she wasn for sure it was years ago. I was like, Oh, she must've gone deep in the catalog and found me saying something about possums that she wasn't happy about. But no, it's like 10 episodes ago. Yeah. It was like seven days ago. It's crazy that we couldn't remember that. It's so insane. We are old Chrissy. We are old. Again, I think we just talk so much. We do.

That we can't remember. We do. It just flows. What are you gonna do? We're at that point in life where there's only so much information we can stuff in our brains. We're at the point in our life where

four days a week is even too much for us and we're the ones creating it. I'm sure a lot of listeners would agree. Shut Brian up is basically the sentiment on the Apple reviews right now. Okay, okay. Not everyone's gonna be happy. It's not for everyone. But those of you that don't know,

Joe Dombrovsky was our guest last week. Go take a listen to that episode, Joe was great. But Joe, at the end, he apparently did his homework on the commercial break. He did. Because at the end, he said, before I let you guys go, I have one more thing for you. I was reading your reviews and I found one

and I'd like to let you know. All right, just real quick, I'm gonna play that segment from Joe Dombrowski's episode. You guys, I found this comment on, this was a review that somebody left for y'all, and this is exactly what I'm talking about. This is exactly what I'm talking about. It's a one star.

I used to love your podcast until you talked bad about possums. They deserve to be on the earth more than humans. They have existed for more than 70 million years. Do your research before talking negative about the eating species. Took the fucking time. Someone took the time to write that.

Oh my God. We laugh about it all the time. We're like, you took the time to write that. Okay possum lover 44, just go back down your possum rabbit hole on YouTube and don't watch this podcast anymore. Yeah, we're like, oh. Yeah, thanks for watching. Thanks, appreciate it.

Like it's not for you, it's not for you. Keep watching. Like, ugh. And also, fuck you too. I'm calling the APC a possum suck. And Sarah McLaughlin, you mother fucking animal abusers. I love that you brought that up, that's hilarious. Did you, had you read that before? No, but we love reading those. We love that you brought that up. That's hilarious. Did you had you read that before?

No, we didn't. That's the thing. We love reading those. We love reading the comments. We love reading all of them. I love the haters too. We do. Yeah, because you know what?

The haters are probably listening to more hours of our show than the people who don't like that. Haters make me famous. That's a honey boo boo quote that I went tattooed to my asshole. But also our tagline for many, I mean there's, we're 550 episodes into this, almost 700 hours of this show. And you know what our tagline for about a hundred hours of this was?

It's not for everyone. It's not for everybody. And that came, that came for me talking to like a family member at Thanksgiving and they were like, we listened to your podcast. And that was it. And they said nothing else. I was like, well, it's not for everyone, but thanks for listening.

I tell that to people all the time. But I could not for the life of me, Chrissy or I. Now we were like, when did we talk about possums? I have no idea. I had no idea. Well, it turns out just a week ago is when we talked about possums. And so I actually have that tape.

I've pulled it. Do you want to hear it? Yes. Okay, this is from the episode, The Kids Are Not Alright. I don't particularly remember what we were talking about. I don't either. But I actually think I, since I listen to it, I do recall us having this conversation about me saving a seagull. Yes, a baby seagull or a young seagull at the beach because it had gotten some kind of cleaning solution for the submarine base that was down the street. It got some kind of cleaning solution on it

that was toxic to this poor bird. And we took a 40 minute drive to go drop it off in the middle of the swamp in Florida. And that bird got loose in the car and started flying everywhere. So that's where we're picking up on the conversation. Now, when I'm about to play to you- Somehow it's segwayed into possums.

Of course it did. Sounds exactly like the commercial break. Somehow we couldn't keep our train of thought. Sounds like us. That tracks. That math is mapping. I remember that. Yes, that math is mapping. If someone says, ADHD podcast and the commercial break in the same sentence, it resonates. It tickles me in my warm spot. You know what I'm saying? Okay, so here we go. I'm going to play this for you. So, it's not Chrissy and I talking live. No, that,

probably about the next minute. This is actually from that episode. The kids are not, all right, here you go. This is what I said. This is what got this person so upset. And by the way, this person, well, I'm not going to name because, you know, we don't need to start some big, you know, doxing war or anything, but I'm just going to share that if you want to come on air and talk to me about this, I'd be happy to have that conversation. I'm open-minded. I'm still not going to like possums at the end of it, but that doesn't, we don't have to hate each other because of it. Okay, ready? Here we go. Here's the, here's the bit of tape. So, you know, like I have this empathy for animals and when I see something that looks helpless says Brian right before he says possums shouldn't be on earth.

Pert, I want to help it. I nurtured a squirrel once back to health. Like I want to help it, but I can't take all of them in and then just leave them there. And definitely, it's insane to me. I have a friend who's got basically an animal hospital going on in their house. Any given time, there's snakes and reptiles and, and you know squirrels and possums and this is true I do have a friend in on the other day on Facebook when I looked at her Facebook page She had a bird of some sort like a brown bird like a regular bird

You know just a bird the brown bird you see outside and the brown the throng thrasher the bird was chasing a cat Okay back to the tape the throng thrasher and the bird was chasing a cat around the house, pecking it. It was so crazy. Oh, that's funny. Okay, back to the tape. Raccoons are all running around everywhere. Every time I see a Facebook page, there's another fucking weird animal in their hands. The other day, they're like petting a possum. I'm like, what are you doing?

I think it's full of disease and nastiness. Like, my goodwill stops at roaches and possums. You know what I'm saying? I don't feel bad for you. I'm sorry, I just don't. Because you're kind of weird. You're like little aliens crawling around this earth and I'm not sure you should be here.

So I don't know if my empathy extends that far. If you're a dog or a cat or a cute little bird, those things I wanna have. I mean, I'll swerve to miss it. Yeah, of course you swerve to miss it. It took me like five seconds to miss it. Yeah, you thought about that. I was like it. It took me like five seconds to miss it. Yeah, you thought about that.

I was like, yeah, yeah. Okay, first of all, you realize that I gotta do, Chrissy and I gotta do six hours of talking a week, right? So my opinion on possums is just based on my initial reaction. I'm trying to tell a story that turns out to be funny. We're improv. Yeah, we're improv. So I'm improving my opinion on possums, but I do agree with myself.

I do agree with myself. That's good. You stand firm on your position. I don't think I said all that. The weird, weird, weird part about all of this, and we probably need to put a pin in the whole possum situation. We've talked about it so much now. No, I'm keeping this going.

I'm going to roll this for weeks. But the weird, weird, weird part was that right after that, there's a baby possum in my yard. I know. That is kind of strange. I have never seen that before. And I had to take a picture of it and send it to Brian and Brian goes, see, it does look like an alien. It does look like an alien. It's got that long, weird tail. It's got those beady little eyes. But we agreed yesterday, or last week on the show that babies, baby possums, okay, we're gonna give a break to the baby possums. They didn't choose to be here.

They didn't choose to be possums. What if you're a possum in your next life now, so. Oh, I know I'm gonna be a possum in my next life. A possum or, I don't know, a possum or a, I'm not gonna say it. All right, so there's your- Thank you, Caitlin, for helping us jog our memory. That's right. Let's wrap this argument up with Brian's not a huge fan of possums, but I would serve to miss it if I saw it running across the street. I know it serves a purpose

here on earth, but my opinion doesn't change. I still think they look like aliens and they're a little bit strange and roaches and possums, I just not, I just don't care for them. So whoever made the comment, whatever your name is, whoever made that, that post, I welcome you onto the show. We can talk about this like adults or at least you can talk about it like an adult and I'll continue to be a child about it. And yeah, but possum haters unite. Here we are at the commercial break.

All right. There you go. So that is how TCB came to be known as the Possum Hating Podcast. But as for me, myself, and I, I need to set the record straight. That's right, I am a possum lover. I think they're cute. Sue me.

And also, they're honestly really cool. They're North America's only marsupial, which puts them in the same category as kangaroos. And yes, that means their babies are called joeys and they carry them in a pouch, which just kills me. It is so cute. And they're basically nature's pest control and trash management, which as we know is an essential job. So I'm just saying, keep an open mind when it comes to possums. Well now that that's all been said, we are going to take a quick break and then we will get back to Brian talking more shit about possums. Are you lonely?

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Bet MGM and GameSense remind you to please play responsibly. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs, 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge that MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario My name is Jack Wagner host of other world a podcast featuring real people who experience something paranormal supernatural or unexplained I have no idea how I got there.

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at your fingertips with the same Vegas strip excitement MGM is famous for when you play the classics like MGM Grand Millions or popular games like Blackjack, Baccarat and Roulette with our ever-growing library of digital slot games, a large selection of online table games, and signature BetMGM service, there is no better way to bring the excitement and ambiance of Las Vegas home to you than with BetMGM Casino. Download the BetMGM Casino app today. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to please play responsibly. BetMGM.com for

T's and C's, 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Speaking of Joe Dombrowski, Joe was a great guest. We got a lot of feedback on the Joe Dombrowski interview. Lots and lots of people loved it. Especially his calling us out on the possum.

And then, and then, I sent you the picture. And then a possum showed up at Chrissy's house. I know. It's unbelievable. It was a baby. It was a baby. We were sitting outside enjoying a beverage in the evening and all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye, I see a little baby possum.

You know what? Running over and then it just stood there and it was scared. It's hard to dislike a baby anything. I know. Do you know what I'm saying? And I was like, first of all, this is weird because we just had a whole talk about possums

and I've never seen a possum at my house before out in the yard. And I think it had gotten lost maybe from its family, which I felt bad about, but what am I going to do? I just left it. Well, it's probably, it's dad is like sitting out in the middle of the road somewhere with a tire mark on it. I mean, those things, they just don't get out of the way. I think, are those one of the animals that get like deer in the headlight type thing? I think so.

I think so too. They can't see there, they're blind or something. But the possum drama continues here at the commercial break because we got someone that wrote in that said, you're saying it wrong, it's opossum. It's opossum, not possum. And so Astrid said, you're saying it wrong because we even say it opossum. Like, in the English translation of opossum is opossum, not possum. And so I said, no, that can't be true. I've been writing it possum my entire life. It's been possum my entire life. So when did it turn into opossum? Like, opossum! No, you don't sound like I'm calling it. I'm saying it's opossum. So, in fact, Astrid was correct and I was correct. It can be said either way, oh possum or possum.

Either way. Either way. Either way. I'm sticking with possum. Still don't like possums. Oh possums or possums, still don't like them. So my mind has not been changed. I like the baby.

I felt bad for the baby. Well, it's really hard to dislike a baby. Anything. A baby anything, let alone a baby possum. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. So the drama continues. Commercial let alone a baby possum. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. So, the drama continues.

Commercial break is in fact possum haters. And so, Joe united with us. Except for babies. Except for babies. Okay, baby possums get a... After they turn one, I hate them. But before one, they're fine. I'll leave them alone.

Small babies, good. Yeah, small babies, good. Big ones, no. That's right. Pee-pee-poo-poo in the diaper, good. It's just like kids or dogs. Puppies don't stay puppies forever, they eventually turn into dogs, you know what I'm saying?

Right. They're cute as a button until they start chewing your legs off your $10,000 furniture. Then you fucking hate them. Case in point blue. Case in point blue. I wish blue was chewing on the furniture. I would accept that as a good alternative

to what's actually going on in this house. Blue. Fucking blue, man. Oh, man. I'm not going to get into it. I'm not going to get into the 3000th story about blue, waking the baby up, shitting on my feet, whatever. Anyway, so, okay, under one years old, possum good.

Over one years old, possum bad. And I don't care if you call it opossum or possum. And I know that there's one particular person out there who really dislikes our stance on possums, but I'm sorry to say they are weird, strange animals who really skeeve me out. They're like roaches. Do you find roaches to be friendly? Are you a roach lover? No one is a roach lover. No one. You want to know why? Because they're weird, disgusting animals. They crawl really fast. No. No one. You want to know why? Because they're weird, disgusting animals. They crawl around your walls.

Yeah, really fast. They skeeve you out. They're like in the middle of the night, they're crawling against walls. It's the same thing that possums do. The same thing. They're in your trash. They're walking around walls. They crawl out at night.

They're under your porch. You never know where they are until they show up at Chrissy's house to have a drink with her and Jeff. Okay? Just, let's all agree, possums are, I'm not saying kill them, I'm just saying, you know, I don't know what I'm saying. What I'm saying is I don't like them. That's what I'm saying.

And that's okay. And that's okay. And neither does Joe, for the record. I think Joe's on our side about this one. He seemed to be. Or at the very least, he's on the side of shitty internet commenters. comments, leaving dumb reviews. But I think this person actually wrote a long email to us once, and Astrid was trying to

find it. I don't know if we've been successful, and that we haven't, because I would have it if we had, but she swears up and down, and I remember her telling me this, that someone had written in and given this long soliloquy on possums and why we should take a second look at our opinion on possums. Now, I put a call out to the audience earlier this week asking them to, if you can find that clip of us, I'd buy you coffee for a week. That still stands. I haven't had anybody... No one's taking you up on it. No, because no one's listening. So, I'm just talking to myself.

We're just talking to each other. Yeah, but if you do know, if you remember, if you can find the clip of me talking about opossums or possums in my stance on them originally on the show, I'm not talking about when Joe told us about this review, then I'll buy you a coffee for a week. Whatever your favorite coffee shop is, I'll send you a gift card to it.

But I'm just, I- I'm not sure what their attributes are, and I'm sure they have some, but I'm not quite sure. Because, you know, like if you have a spider that can be good for the bugs or, you know, a cat running around outside can be good for the rodents. Jared... Let me tell you about spiders. I don't like spiders either. But I will deal with them under certain circumstances because I understand that they are eating the creatures that I really don't want. There are like house spiders that will eat roaches and flies and gnats and stuff that you don't actually want in your house. So, they're a necessary evil as far as I'm concerned. Beth Dombkowski Right.

Jared Sussman Now, there are- Beth Dombkowski Speaking of spiders, have you ever seen one of those that's the, it's got all the different colors on it? They're the Japanese Goro spiders. And they do those, I remember seeing this one that was in between two bushes at my grandfather's house and it had this elaborate web and it was beautiful. I didn't want to mess with it.

It looked like it was doing its work and it was gorgeous actually. Are you talking about this spider, the Joro spider? Maybe. I remember it being black and it had yellow, like bright yellow. This is it. It's called the Joro spider.

It's from Japan. It originally was found here in Georgia. They think because of the Port of Savannah, it got brought over on shipping containers. It's an invasive species and it's made its way up the East Coast and they are now flying. The Joro spider can be four to five inches in diameter. It's big.

It's huge. Like maybe the size of my hand. I have seen a number of them on corners on the outside of my house. And the pest control guy was like, invasive species, I'm going to kill it. Sometimes I leave spiders alone, but I'm going to kill these because they're invasive species and they'll eat all the other spiders or whatever they do. I don't know. They're poisonous and they can like, you know, they eat bugs and stuff like that, but they can also kill the spiders that you really need. So, piggybacking on the possum thing, spiders serve a purpose, except for the Joro spider. Except for the invasive one. Except for the invasive one.

They serve a purpose in Japan. They serve a purpose in Japan, but they are out of their own element when they're here in the United States. And so now New York is waiting for what they're calling spider-pocalypse because they do very well in cities, they breed fast, they lay hundreds of eggs at a time, and they can make parachutes. They actually like tall buildings and they have been known to make their own parachutes and fly from building to building.

Not even kidding. That is a nightmare come alive. Spider apocalypse. Spider apocalypse. I am not interested in spiders that build parachutes. Anything that is better at building things than I am, that is not a human being is pretty much on my shit list. Do you know what I'm saying? Right, we're just interested in watching Frankie B go down in a parachute. Not, not, not.

Oh, God, I'd love to see. Well, no, it's at the beginning of his new intro. He jumps out of the plane. He's doing parasailing and he just lands on the beach. He's so crazy. So I'll give you, remind me in the next segment to tell you about Frankie B and why I think our listeners may be poking the bear a little bit too much. I'm going to implore my, our listeners to calm down a little bit on Frankie B. But okay, so, let's talk about the opossum a little bit. The Virginia opossum is the only species found in the United States and Canada. It is often simply referred to as an opossum.

And in North America, it is commonly referred to as… There's no O on the spelling, is there? Opossum. Oh, okay. Okay. And you can spell it either way? Yes. It's simply referred to in North America mostly as a possum, not opossum. Okay. So, listen, they have definitely been, they are 20 million years old. They come from

their 20 million years old. Right, that's what the review said. They're very old. Got it. Check. They probably came from the Amazon region. Their diet consists of rodents, birds, eggs, frogs, plants, fruits, and grain. In other words, they eat anything that they see. They're like goats, right? Some species may eat the skeletal remains of rodents and roadkill. Oh, God! In captivity, they will also eat dog food, cat food, and human food waste. So, this is what they do. They are immune to the venom of rattlesnakes and pit vipers and regularly prey upon these snakes." Okay, all right, all right, okay, well, I guess you're doing something good out there. All right, all right. One point opossum, ten points prion. Okay, still beating you on this one.

Uh, some authors have suggested this adaptation, oh wait, hold on one second. Similar adaptations are seen in other small predatory animals such as mongooses and hedgehogs. Opossums, viper, have been suggested as an evolutionary arms race. Some authors have suggested this adaptation originally rose as a defense mechanism to allowing a rare reversal of evolutionary arms race where the former prey has become the predator. In other words, they have defended themselves. prey has become the predator. In other words, they have defended themselves. The phaerthalance, one of the most venomous snakes, oh, that has nothing to do with opossums, that's what can kill them. So, they're found everywhere, north, central, south America, as far north as Canada, and, you know, they eat trash, that's what they do. Look, Miranda's messing with an opossum right

now. My daughter's just losing it right now. She's got an earache. Poor thing's miserable. I just don't, I'm just not, I don't see my mind getting changed on opossums or opossums anytime soon. No matter how you say it, I just don't know what purpose they serve in my trash can. Do you know what I'm saying? Now, I'm not going to kill them. I wanna be clear. If I haven't yet put Blue down, I'm not gonna go out of my way for opossums. They bother me a lot less than Blue does. But I'm telling you right now,

they're ugly little alien creatures and I'm not a fan. If you wanna be a fan, be a fan. But what drives me crazy about this one review, what really drives me crazy is seriously, are you gonna choose possums over the commercial break? Are we that bad? Are we that terrible? I mean, I realize we are not like

the cream of the crop comedy podcast. I realize we are not like best in class comedy podcast. But possums, we can't be better than possums. We hit a nerve. Oh, Chrissy, we are so fucked. I don't even know. Why are we bothering? Why do we bother?

Why do we put so much effort into this thing? And then I say one thing about possums and everybody's running. Imagine I was talking about politics. Oh, we're not going there. No, thank you. All right, let's take a break. I'm going to diagnose my daughter and find out what's going on. Sounds good.

And then we'll be back. Call me, beat me, if you want to reach me at 212-433-3TCB. If you have any comments, questions, compliments, or content ideas, that's 212-433-3822. You can also find us on the interweb at tcbpodcast.com, which is where all of our audio and video lives. So check it out. And then while you're at it, you can follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at tcbpodcast. That's all for now. So let's have a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show. What does possible sound like for your business? It's the ability to reach further with access

to over 1,400 lounges worldwide. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit mx.ca slash business platinum. Okay, I promise you that concludes our possum hating segment for today. And I will take this opportunity to present you

with a couple more fun facts about possums. I just can't help myself. Sorry, Brian. First, they have a very low body temperature, which lends to them having a natural resistance to viruses like rabies, because their body temperature literally can't support it. So every time you come across a possum and you're like,

don't touch it, that thing has rabies. Guess what? It's actually only pretending to have rabies. It literally drools and growls and blows snot bubbles to pretend to be sick so that you don't touch them. Who's the real problem? Hmm? That's right, it's us. And you know what? Drooling, growling, and pretending to be sick so that you don't touch them is a normal thing to do when you're out of the bars. It's fine. I'm fine. Also, some species of possum are naturally resistant to snake venom and many

poisons, which is just really cool and also could be super beneficial for humans in the future if we cared to study our possums. So that's all I'm saying. That's all I got to say about possums, but since we're on a critter type beat today, I think we should dive deep back into the archives to listen to this lovely little segment I found where Brian and Chrissy review a pet psychic video featuring birds. I love it.

Sleigh queen, sleigh boots down, tweet tweet. Chrissy, I was trolling on the internet. As you do. As I like to do. As I'm bound to do. You are bound. Strolling in the metaverse trolling on the internet. As you do. As I like to do, as I'm bound to do. You are bound. Strolling in the metaverse. In the metaverse.

Here's what made me think of this. I was, when I was in the metaverse, they had, like some people had animals. They had little doggies. Like your little dog too. And I thought it to be very interesting, but a little bit, a little off putting, I don't know. I don't know why I just thought,

it's not creepy enough that we're all pretending to be something and we're not. But then you got a dog to play along to. And it made me remember that a long time ago, God, it's been so many episodes now, I don't even know how many episodes have we done in this stupid show, I don't know. So many episodes ago, we highlighted a pet psychic.

Do you remember this? Oh God, yes I do. I went, it just made me think of the pet psychic and I wanted to go back and I wanted to take a little run at the pet psychic. I really wanted to take a look and see if we could find another pet psychic that was interesting. So who I found was Sonia Fitzpatrick.

Okay. Apparently one of the early hosts or hostesses on Animal Planet. Oh yeah. And she had a show about her being able to talk to animals. I think I kinda remember this. Who's that guy who used to talk to animals?

Dr. Do-Little? Yeah. She's like the Dr. Do-Little of Animal Planet. Let's take a listen. Just lost in the streets next to a really really... Yeah, let's see what happened to him before she found him and how he got lost. Just having an English accent just lends authority to anything. Anytime someone with an English accent...

That's why I'm always watching these stupid shows. Anytime someone with an English accent says something, they're trustworthy. They are. They're reliable sources of information. You don't figure the British are prone to fits of fancy. You know what I'm saying? I agree. Like, I don't know.

Teresa Caputo with her South Jersey accent, I disbelieve anything she says from the moment her mouth is open. This lady, takes me a while to disbelieve her. Speaking of, well hold up real quick, speaking of English people and sex, going back to our topic previously, there's a show on Netflix called How to Build a Sex Room. It's fantastic. It's this English woman that narrates or is the designer of these and it's so good. I have heard of this. We've been to it this weekend. It was so fun.

I have heard of this and I'm going to get on it to report back to the listeners on my thoughts on that. Remind me, later on this week, we'll get into the morning show, which I started watching. The morning show, I've watched that. With my favorite, Jen Aniston. You know, she's your girl. She looks so good. She does. She looks so good.

How old is she, 70? She looks great. I say 70, she's like my age. She's like, she's in her fifties. She looks so good for 50. Just a, anyway. Let's listen to this. Tons of money and good doctors.

Yeah. Well, there's definitely some work being done. And like now that it's in 4K and 3D and whatever the hell, you know, the Apple TV. But she looks good. She's got good doctors. She looks great. Yeah.

And this is a good show. It is a good show. I remember it. Mm-hmm. You too. Hi, Izzy. Hi Izzy. Hi Izzy. Hi Izzy.

Hi Izzy. Hi Izzy. So here we find ourselves with Susan Fitzpatrick showing up at what is clearly, Sonia Fitzpatrick, what is clearly a very expensive home. Yes. And I want to know, why is it all the women with a lot of money that find that they want to talk to their animals? Isn't this a trope that's probably true?

Yeah, I think so. Like, I don't know. I don't know. Do you ever want to talk to your animal in this manner? No. No. He's upstairs. Hi. He's reading.

Happy to come to see you. Hello, Holly. His name's Holly because Courtney and Heather. Holly is a parakeet. I just want you to know. Yeah, it's a bird. As if it does, as if you don't hear enough from this fucking bird. If he was a girl or a boy...

Then nobody knows. You get so many people that have birds... And then... And you don't even know what they are. And then... Okay. So many people that have birds that refuse to stick to the pinky and the little asshole to figure out what has a little bird penis in that. It's a crime against humanity.

You'd be surprised. Do you want to meet Holly? What's that, he said. What's that? It's a little tiny dog. Is it a cat? No, it's not a cat, Holly. It's a little dog.

Is she talking to the parrot like the parrot's asking questions? She's having little dog. Is she talking to the parrot, like the parrot's asking questions? She's having a conversation. With the bird. I'm sure that's what the bird is thinking. Is that a cat? No, that's not a cat.

Is that a dolphin? Is that one of those bird eating dolphins I keep reading about in the newspaper? I was thinking, no, it's a cat and a dog. It's so stupid. That's crazy. He's pretty? He says he's pretty.

Oh, he loves it Aunt Helen because we're in here. I know. Listen, Sonia, it's me, Petey the parakeet. Do me a favor. it's been a long time since I've gotten any action. I'm stuck here in this cage, and this crazy woman thinks it's okay to just open up the blinds

and everything's gonna be fine. I want some action. Is that a dog or a cat or a dolphin? It's pretty hot. It's really pretty. It's really pretty. That's not what I said. I said she's on fucking smoke show, tell her that!

Loves it because we're in here. Well he used to have, he had a friend and then we didn't know who was who, boy or girl, and they started having, they had eggs and then for years the eggs never hatched. And then one day my daughters, years they came, the egg hatched, so they had a baby. What? That's not the way it works. Hey, girl, it's me, Carl. That's not the way science works. I just wanted you to know. You actually can't have a baby stuck in indefinite osmosis.

Whatever you call it. I just thought I'd call you over and let you know. You sound like a real dumb dumb right now, lady. We had these eggs for years. We had these eggs for decades. And then all of a sudden they turned into dinosaurs. Little velociraptors we had a t-rex running around the back and I thought to myself shit I thought they were parakeets I

thought it was a female oh I guess the men do the boys lay the eggs in the in the parakeet world because she said he had the eggs. He laid the eggs. I don't know. I don't think so. I don't know if I care parakeets. And then that little family lived for probably 10 years, and then one day the baby died and the mama died. Yeah, he's still grieving from it.

And he wants to know when you're getting him another birth. That is wild. That is a wild story. I thought the most interesting thing about this video was Susie Fitzwhatser name. Sonya the bird whisperer. Yeah and no the the moms are the ones with the eggs. I've seen enough Planet Earth. Okay, and they can't just like have eggs and then years later they hatch, right? That's not a thing.

No, no, I mean the bird, you had eggs up on your door. I had eggs. They hatched. They hatched, but maybe that's because the snake was coming after them. Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's strange. Ugh. Like his mate. Aw, look, I think he likes the...

He loves it because he's so happy we're here. He gets very lonely, he said. You were right. He gets very lonely, he said. You were right. He said he just wants a companion. He says he does not like looking at your face daily. He likes to take a walk every once in a while

He wonders why you treat that dog better than he treat him. I'm just asking for him So they have a TV he's a TV and movies and when we when his little family was alive They would all sit up on that little stroller and they'd get real excited. His little family was still... Before the Great Bird Murder of 1998, everything was swimming. We'd sit around, eat popcorn, watch Michael Bay Transformer movies. Everybody was happy. We would literally Netflix and chill.

But then the birdlings that hatched after 10 years of sitting in an egg, they just fell over one day dead. Maybe they were never alive. Maybe they were. Yeah, maybe they were. Maybe somehow the egg cracked open. Cracked open. And it was just the little corpse. There was like a bird. I don't egg cracked open. Cracked open. And it was just,

there was like a bird. I don't wanna get into all the details. I don't wanna scare away the children. I always get weirded out by people who put TVs, like there's this pet place, pet palace or whatever it's called, that we used to take the dogs to. And for $25 you get them a run, which is just basically a, a play,

a box where they, not a box, but a, like a cornered off area. Yes, they can run whatever 10 by 10 and they can, they can run and then they get let out and they have playtime with other dogs. But for $175,000 a night, you can get them, uh, they have a bed and they get a ice cream treat at the end of the night. Yeah. It's a whole little hotel playing 24 hours a day. I don't understand.

I've never once seen my dog watch TV. I know there are cats that watch TV, but they're just tripping balls. Yeah, my mom used to turn on the animal planet when she would leave the dogs at the house. I can understand the noise. I think it makes the human feel better. Makes the human feel better, that's it. My grandma used would leave the dogs at the house. I can understand the noise. It makes the human feel better. Makes the human feel better. That's it.

My grandma used to leave the radio on every time she would leave the house. And she said that's because if anyone ever tried to break into the house, they'd think somebody was home. Yeah. I think it made her feel better. Exactly. Like Madagascar and Lion King and things like that. I'm so thrilled. He knows what's going on, Helen. He knows he's very important, he's telling me. Helen, Helen, Helen, he knows exactly what's going on. He knows he's being filmed for Animal Planet.

He wants to know if we're going to sign a waiver or a collaboration agreement. Helen, Helen. It looks no different than when they first walked in there. Of course, you have a great way with animals, Helen. Helen Helen Then when they first walked in there, it's no clue Of course you you have a great way with animals Helen, but he really would like to mate And he would like more people coming in to visit him. He would really like to mate. I told you you did I told you Petey the parrot Is is over it? Yeah, like dude in the wild I was getting laid three, four times a season. Exactly.

And now I'm just looking at these stupid, you keep putting Madagascar on. The Lion King. Yeah, I know how it ends. And the Lion King, everybody dies. Can we take that miserable movie off? And he likes it when the music's playing. He's feeling so much better.

He's just asking, how long will it be probably not much longer now you're suffering will end soon dear how long will it be until he gets a mate is that the question? I don't know, Chrissy, this lady doesn't know either I know she's made an entire living ripping off rich white ladies of their money because they think she's Mrs. FitzDoolittle or whatever, that she could come in

and start talking to the parakeet. The reality is no one can talk to a parakeet like that. The parakeet has a human brain. How is that possible? You know, they crucified Disney for this. They said stop making the animals. Stop humanizing the animals. Because you know, a deer doesn't talk, a deer doesn't have friendships like, you know, humans have friendships, right? But apparently it's okay for Susie Midsdicks little here to say anything she wants

about the parrot. This poor parrot's just like, get me out of the cage! I know, give me some fresh air. Well, like, if you're really serious that he needs a friend, I'll go to PetSmart today and get him. Go right now. Oh yeah, go right to the world's most fantastic breeding place, PetSmart, and go get him a three dollar parakeet that's gonna die tomorrow. You get something that either looks close to him and his his mate. Um, his mate was yellow.

Yes. I think I found a yellow cockatiel. Is he excited about that? Oh he's a cockatiel? He's preening. He's preening. He's, he's, he's, he's acting fit. Look he's looking at the camera. He's looking, he knows yet. Look, look, he's looking at the camera. Both eyeballs are wide open. As they have

been. He can see. Little Beanie can see. Was he blind before? No? Well he can see! What a wonderful thing we're witnessing. Yes. Oh Helen, that's making him feel better. Okay, well, I'm off to PetSmart. We go there all the time anyway. Why do I feel like this is all well-placed product placement? Well, we're off to PetSmart, we go there all the time. For $3.99, it's a buy one get one free on Birdseed this week. You know, and while I'm there, I'll get a brand new dog leash for Bonesy here. Did you know that PetSmart has the world's largest pet... Leash selection?

Yes, that's a good advertisement. Oh my god, this is a horrible, horrible show. Yeah. But he likes this room, he likes the quiet. He's asking where's the cat. There was one cat he didn't like. There was one cat he didn't like. There was one cat he didn't like at all. It was his?

Yeah. That's what I said! I'm asking you to free me into the wild. Take me back to Costa Rica where I belong. Yes. You dumb women. Don't go to PetSmart and put another one of my brothers in a cage like this. Call us all back to Costa Rica. And he said that sometimes when the girls come home, they come and see him.

And who sleeps in here? Courtney. He loves that when she's here. Because he said she comes home and she talk to him and he loves that. The shot of the bird. Close up shot of the bird looking proud. Finally, someone to speak on my V.F. I've been saying this all along.

Now some crazy lady with too much lipstick comes in the door and all of a sudden you listen to her. I thought we were friends. Why do I think Mrs. Fitzpatrick found this talent as a lonely teenager? You know what I'm saying? Like she just started having conversations with the animals.

Either that or she watched too many Disney movies. And she felt like, well, I could do that just as good. Yeah, well, or maybe animals liked her, like animals like me too. It's very strange, dogs and cats and everybody likes me, but I'm not talking to them. No. At least not all loud. I pretend to know what they're saying to me. I just, I don't get it.

I don't get it. I know. And I don't think this is more of like a, even though she calls herself a psychic, she's less of a psychic and more of like a translator. Interpreter. Interpreter, yeah. Communicator. Yeah, which I think is probably in high demand,

if you think about it. Yes. There's probably a lot of rich white ladies who'd like to know what their putas are saying. Saying, yeah. if you think about it. There's probably a lot of rich white ladies who'd like to know what their Poodles are saying. In the past, I've talked to him. He likes you. He says you look after him. And he says you talk to him. And he says you talk to him all the time. And sometimes you make a little song. He loves you. What was that? I had no idea. I didn't do that. song yeah that was little peedy

That was early Animal Planet going, sorry guys, we're on a limited budget. And he says, tell her, thank you, thank you for being so kind and sometimes you sit on the bed and talk to him. And he said, I love that. And he said, keep coming to see him. But he said, he really wanted to see him. And he said, when's that evil woman going to pay you more money? Right. She's like the housekeeper. Yeah, this is like, I don't know that that's true. But this appears to be a lady that works

at the property, maybe a Filipino lady or some Asian descent. And she takes care of the bird. She takes care of the bird. Uh huh. I'd like to have another mate and he'd love a baby. And he loves it because you put the TV on for him And don't go out without putting it on he just told me Make sure she turns on that goddamn TV. What does he think I am? Who likes to sit in a dark room all night? What is this? It's torture He said you look after him room all night what is this it's torture he wants to bite your little face off he wants to pick your eyeball out for not putting the TV. Oh, I can still feel his sadness.

I know, I buried his wife and the baby. I buried his wife and the baby? This whole fucking town is cuckoo. What's going on? I buried his wife and the baby? Did they have a ceremony? Is there a certificate? Who's got a ring on whose finger? What the fuck? This is strange. He's sad level I can still feel the sadness came over and then when you said it telepathically you were putting our images and that made him sad so I you see his little bird tears? Oh my God.

This is bordering on foolishness. Yes, it really is. I'm going to tell him that he can feel and sense them around him, but he doesn't understand why he can't see them. So I'm going to tell him that when we get out of our physical body, we are in energy and we don't have the physical body. But when he feels and senses his wife and his baby, she's there in a different way and they're always around him. Did you get that Petey? I just told you, what happened?

What in the good fuck are you talking about? I know what death is. I'm an animal, not a moron. I've seen death in the jungle I saw. Pet smart people came and wiped us all out. This lady's given a philosophy class. and he'll be with them. He'd like that, he said. He'd like that. I just feel so much like sadness. But you helped him a lot, darling, and he wants me to say thank you to him. And he loves it when you come up. My pleasure.

And you say, mmm. She keeps making a humming sound. when you come out she keeps making a humming sound crazy white ladies talking to the animals time to go back home he wants you to put his name in it and can you sing okay I'm going to sing a little song is Julie going to sing you a beautiful song. What song do I need to sing for him? Here you go. No pressure, you're on camera. No pressure.

Animal Planet's ratings basically live and die with this song right here. We've got three more weeks where they're running with the cash. If you don't sing this song well, it's all going down the tube, lady. Oh From these moments He did nothing staring at this crazy lady talking to him oh Man, oh, Christy. I could do this. I could do this. This could be mine. Yeah. I think we should start it. Blue's saying she wants to take another shit on my floor. Blue's saying she likes watching me run around like a chicken with my head cut off every time she barks. Nico's saying, please put me out of my misery, man, whoever you are.

Nico's saying, am I dead yet? I can't tell. Please tell me. That's your pretty voice, Julie. Oh, thank you. He loves music. Yeah, he does. I bet he does like music.

Everybody does. Everybody likes music. Yeah, who doesn't like music? You know those people that say that they don't like music? You know, I'm not a music person. How are you not a music person? Yeah, I don't get it. And how are you not an animal person? People are not animal people scare me. If you say you're not an animal person, you scare the shit out of me.

Yeah. All right, that is everything I have for you today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you didn't, well, just keep that to yourself. And if you did, you should text us and tell us about it at 212-433-3TCB. You can also call and leave us a voicemail. Ask us a little Ask TCB, and maybe we'll answer it on the show in four months.

You just never know. Could be great. Also, you can go to our website, tcvpodcast.com. That's where all of our audio and video lives. And you can just have yourself a time scrolling through there. I know I do. Aside from that, you can follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. And that is basically everything I have for you. So I'll talk to you next week. but we also have some other special exciting Exciting fantastic episodes in the can for you, so I'll talk to you then bye